By Charlie Lovett

© Copyright 2005, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

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UNWRAPPEDBy Charlie Lovett

CAST OF CHARACTERS# of lines

FROM HOLLYWOODHEDDA GOBBLER .................... gossip columnist 58DAVID O. DIMWIT ..................... powerful Hollywood 85

producerYES-MEN #1 & #2 ..................... lackeys to David O. Dimwit 11DANIELLE DICKENS ................ screenwriter (the brains 35

of the duo)SARAH SHAKESPEARE .......... screenwriter (not the brains) 36OTTO VON STRONGMAN ....... overbearing German 57

film directorMAXINE ..................................... assistant director 57NORMA DESMOND .................. production assistant 59

ACTORSELLIOT ...................................... timid 12BILLY BOB WALTON................. hillbilly 18JACK QUINCY .......................... film hero 60LACY DONAHUE ...................... beautiful (in her own mind) 40JAMES HUNTINGTON .............. egotistical over-actor 47

THE LOCALSIVAN HOO ................................. director of tourism for 80

VansyltraniaDR. FRANKENSTEIN ................ mad female scientist 32MONSTER ................................. her creation 67EEGOR...................................... Dr. Frankenstein’s assistant 56INSPECTOR IDIOT ................... police investigator 49

(think Clouseau)MARCUS VON WELBY ............. veterinarian 41ERNST ...................................... dim-witted man on the street 6

EXTRASPATRONS #1-#4 ....................... moviegoers 7

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SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

PROLOGUE: The world premiere of “Three Strikes and You’re Dead.” One fine day in Hollywood.

ACT ONEScene One: The office of David O. Dimwit. Some days or weeks

later.Scene Two: Auditions at Dimwit Studios. Shortly thereafter.Scene Three: On the set of the movie in Vansyltrania. A long cattle

boat ride later.Scene Four: Café Vansyltrania. Shortly thereafter.Scene Five: Vansyltrania’s graveyard. Later that day.Scene Six: The mummy’s tomb. A couple of days later.Scene Seven: On the set of the movie in Vansyltrania. Shortly

thereafter.Scene Eight: Vansyltrania’s graveyard. Midnight, by the light of the

full moon.

ACT TWOScene One: On the set of the movie in Vansyltrania. The next

morning.Scene Two: Café Vansyltrania. Shortly thereafter.Scene Three: On the streets of Vansyltrania. Later that day.Scene Four: On the streets of Vansyltrania. Immediately afterwards.Scene Five: Vansyltrania’s graveyard. Midnight, by the light of the

waning moon.Scene Six: At the premiere back in Hollywood. A long cattle boat ride

later.

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SETTING

TIME: 1930s Hollywood, winking at the present.PLACE: Hollywood, land of the stars, and Vansyltrania, developing

tourist nation.The set has the general feel of a movie set. This may be accomplished with old lighting cables and instruments, flats with their backs to the AUDIENCE and a couple of director’s chairs, which stay ONSTAGE throughout the play. The action begins in Hollywood, moves on to Vansyltrania for the filming of the new blockbuster and finally returns to Hollywood for the premiere. Area staging establishes the minimally defined sets. Most action takes place CENTER, except for the graveyard scenes, which take place UPSTAGE. David O. Dimwit’s office is indicated by a desk and two chairs CENTER, which are removed after the first full scene. Dimwit Studios is played CENTER with no set pieces. Likewise for the Vansyltranian movie set and the streets of Vansyltrania, as well as the Hollywood movie premieres. A café table and chairs are brought on and off as indicated in the script for the Café Vansyltrania. UPSTAGE is the graveyard area, which may be suggested with cut-out trees and gravestones and/or a backdrop. The sarcophagus unit may roll onto stage. This should consist of a platform holding a standing coffin with hinged cover. The coffin, platform and backing flats may be painted like stonework with Egyptian hieroglyphics.

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UNWRAPPED

PROLOGUEThis may be played ONSTAGE, or, if the technology is available, shown on screen as a black and white video in the style of an old newsreel. If it is played ONSTAGE, any available actors may play the roles of the cinema patrons. If on screen, anyone may play these roles, but if the play is being produced in a school, using teachers works well. In either case, the actors playing the roles of ELLIOT and HEDDA GOBBLER are the same in the prologue as in the rest of the play.GOBBLER: (revealed when LIGHts rIse. speaks into an old-

fashioned hand-held radio microphone.) Hello, America, this is Hedda Gobbler, talking turkey with you from the world premiere of “Three Strikes and You’re Dead,” the latest film from producer David O. Dimwit. Let’s see what the public has to say about Mr. Dimwit’s latest effort. (pAtroNs #1 and #2 eNter.) Tell us, sir, how did you like tonight’s film?

PATRON #1: Well, I thought it was supposed to be a comedy, but there was nothing funny about it.

GOBBLER: And you, ma’am. Did you think the film was funny?PATRON #2: Funny? They told me it was a horror movie, but it sure

didn’t scare me. (pAtroNs #1 and #2 eXIt. eLLIot rushes across stAGe, trying to escape GoBBLer.)

GOBBLER: You, sir, before you rush off, can you tell us your thoughts?

ELLIOT: (With fear and trembling.) I… I… I can’t do this. (runs oFF.)GOBBLER: Well he was obviously impressed by “Three Strikes and

You’re Dead.” (pAtroNs #3 and #4 eNter.) Tell us, ma’am, were you equally impressed?

PATRON #3: I heard it was supposed to be a musical, but there were no songs and no dances. What kind of musical has no songs or dances? (eXIts.)

PATRON #4: Excuse me, excuse me. May I make a comment?GOBBLER: Certainly, sir.PATRON #4: Is this live?GOBBLER: Live coast to coast.PATRON #4: This was the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life.

(eXIts.)GOBBLER: Well, it looks like another flop for David O. Dimwit, the

dimmest producer in Hollywood. This is Hedda Gobbler, talking turkey. Good night! (BLAcKout.)

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ACT ONE, Scene OneLIGHTS UP: The office of David O. Dimwit. The screen rises and/or lights come up to reveal the film producer DAVID O. DIMWIT behind his desk, CENTER, flanked by his two YES-MEN. Two chairs sit in front of the desk.DIMWIT: (Waves a newspaper.) Have you seen these reviews? It’s

horrible, I tell you! Horrible. Don’t you think so?YES-MEN: Yes, sir!DIMWIT: What this studio needs is new actors, I tell you. What do

you think?YES-MEN: We agree, sir.DIMWIT: No, no. Maybe it’s not the actors. Maybe we need new

directors.YES-MAN #2: You’re absolutely right, sir.DIMWIT: What’s the matter with you two? Do you think I pay you just

to agree with everything I say?YES-MEN: Yes, sir.YES-MAN #1: Isn’t that why you call us “yes-men,” sir?DIMWIT: You’re darn right it is. But from now on I want you to be

honest with me.YES-MEN: Yes, sir.DIMWIT: Now, you know as well as I do that what this studio really

needs is new writers. Send in the next pair that has a script to pitch.

YES-MEN: Yes, sir.YES-MAN #2: (yes-MAN #1 ushers IN DANIeLLe DIcKeNs, who

carries a script, and sArAH sHAKespeAre.) Presenting Miss Dickens and Miss Sarah Shakespeare.

DIMWIT: (stands, shakes hands with DIcKeNs.) Dickens, eh. Say, you’re not related to Charles Dickens, are you?

DICKENS: Actually, he was my great-great-uncle twice removed.DIMWIT: (shakes hands with sHAKespeAre.) But I’m almost

certain you can’t be related to the Shakespeare.SHAKESPEARE: No, sir, but he was my…YES-MAN #1: Your great-great-uncle twice removed?SHAKESPEARE: No, my gym teacher.YES-MEN: (resume their spots behind DIMWIt; in a cynical tone.)

Right.

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DIMWIT: (sits, followed by DIcKeNs and sHAKespeAre.) So, tell me about your movie.

DICKENS: (Hands DIMWIt a script.) Okay, here’s the pitch.SHAKESPEARE: It’s like a Dracula movie.DICKENS: Only without Dracula.SHAKESPEARE: Right. A Dracula movie without an actual Dracula.DIMWIT: So what does it have?SHAKESPEARE: Well, it has other vampires.DICKENS: No, we cut the vampires.SHAKESPEARE: We cut the vampires?DICKENS: It has a mummy.SHAKESPEARE: Right, a mummy. I mean, not like a “Mummy, give

me a teddy bear” sort of mummy, but a wrapped-in-cloth mummy.DICKENS: Toilet paper, actually.DIMWIT: A mummy?DICKENS: A mummy, the wolfman and Frankenstein’s monster. The

trifecta of horror.DIMWIT: (Looks at the script.) And it’s a musical?SHAKESPEARE: All singing, all dancing!DICKENS: Except for the fact that there are no actual songs or

dances.SHAKESPEARE: And no music.DICKENS: It’s sort of a non-musical musical horror film.SHAKESPEARE: But it’s not actually scary. It’s more of a comedy.DIMWIT: Is it funny?DICKENS/SHAKESPEARE: Not really.DIMWIT: So let me get this straight—this script that you want me

to produce is for a musical with no music of a non-scary horror comedy that’s not funny?

DICKENS/SHAKESPEARE: Bingo!DICKENS: Couldn’t have put it better myself.DIMWIT: I like it. I can hear the critics now—”I laughed, I cried, I bled

profusely from the neck.”DICKENS: Remember, no vampires.SHAKESPEARE: But there’s the wolfman! “I laughed, I cried, I was

torn limb from limb.”DICKENS: And Frankenstein’s monster! “I laughed, I cried, I ran

screaming into the night.”

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DIMWIT: I can smell the Oscars already.SHAKESPEARE: What do they smell like, exactly? I’ve always

wondered.DICKENS: (smacks sHAKespeAre in the head as they stand to

leave. Holds out her hand to DIMWIt.) Thank you so much for this opportunity, Mr. Dimwit. We’re very excited.

DIMWIT: (Ignores her hand.) Yeah, yeah, that’s great, ladies. You can go on home. I’ll take it from here. (they eXIt. picks up the phone.) Miss Leighton? Get me Otto von Strongman. We’re going to make a movie! (to the yes-MeN.) What do you boys think—doesn’t this sound like a great idea?

YES-MEN: No, sir!DIMWIT: No, sir? No, sir? Are you out of your minds? You’re yes-men,

you can’t say, “No, sir.”YES-MAN #1: But you told us to be honest, sir.DIMWIT: I know I told you to be honest, but you didn’t actually think I

was being honest, did you?YES-MEN: (tentative.) No, sir.DIMWIT: (to AuDIeNce.) They said it again!YES-MAN #2: What we meant to say, sir, is, yes, we think it’s a great

idea for a movie.DIMWIT: No, you don’t! You just said you didn’t. What do you take

me for, an idiot?YES-MEN: No, sir!DIMWIT: Stop saying that! (Into phone.) Hello, Otto von Strongman?

David O. Dimwit here… The film producer… You know, “Three Strikes and You’re Dead”… “Last Down and Ten”… “Free Throw of Death”… Well, trust me, I’m a film producer, and I want you to direct my next blockbuster. I need you to find me a hero… (Flips through the script as he talks.) Well, he’s an archeologist, but he’s also an adventurer. Sometimes we see him in the classroom teaching, and sometimes he’s out in the field fighting bad guys and chasing down relics… He carries a whip and he hates snakes… His name? His name is North Dakota Smith. (BLAcKout.)

End of Scene One

ACT ONE, Scene TwoLIGHTS UP: Dimwit Studios. The desk and chairs have been removed, and there are only two director’s chairs ONSTAGE. ELLIOT, JACK, JAMES and BILLY BOB are waiting to audition, each holding a large piece of paper with a number on it. OTTO VON STRONGMAN,

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an overbearing film director with a German accent, ENTERS. He wears jodhpurs and carries a riding crop, which he uses to punctuate his speech. He is followed by his assistant, MAXINE, who carries a clipboard.STRONGMAN: Velcome, everyone. Velcome. I am Otto von

Strongman, zee famous feelm director. (sits in a director’s chair.)JACK: What have you directed?STRONGMAN: (sarcastic.) Vat haf you acted in?JACK: Gee, sorry I asked.STRONGMAN: Now, zees is audition for me to find star of beeg

movie produced by… vat vas his name?MAXINE: David O. Dimwit.STRONGMAN: David O. Dimwit? Vat is he, some sort of idiot?MAXINE: Quite possibly.STRONGMAN: Vell, anyvay… zees film is zee… how do you say

English vord? Horror! Zee scary, yes. Very scary, spooky horror movie. So, I am needing for actors to be scary! (pause.) Scary. Yes? Is right vord? (MAXINe nods.) Make me to be afraid. Now, zees is scene vere zee famous hero, North Dakota Smeeth, is being scared of zee beeg scary mummy, yes? So, let me hear you vit zee scary.

MAXINE: (Hands pages to the Actors.) Okay, here are your sides.ELLIOT: Sides?MAXINE: Your lines and cues. Have you ever had any contact with

the film industry before?ELLIOT: Oh, uh, sure, I was just kidding.JAMES: Imagine, not knowing what sides are. Why, I’ve been reading

from sides since I was knee-high to a grasshopper.MAXINE: Fabulous, it’s nice to know I’m among such illustrious

company. I’ll be reading the part of the mummy. So, number three-seven-zero step to the middle please. (pause.) Number three-seven-zero. (sits in the second director’s chair.)

JAMES: (Nudges eLLIot.) Three-seven-zero, that’s you.ELLIOT: I’m not three-seven-zero, I’m olé! (Holds up a card with

“370” written on it in block numbers, but since it is upside down, it reads “OLE.” JAMES takes the card and turns it right side up and hands it back to him.) Oh, sorry.

MAXINE: (reads in a dull monotone.) “I place a curse on you, North Dakota Smith. The undead shall hunt you down and haunt you forever.”

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ELLIOT: (Looks at his sides, pauses, then, with a frozen look on his face.) I… I can’t do this! (runs oFF.)

STRONGMAN: I like him. He vas very natural. He seems like a hero, no?

MAXINE: No, actually, he doesn’t. Number three seventy-one!JAMES: (steps forward.) I, the great James Huntington, am number

three hundred and seventy-one. (Makes an elaborate bow to stroNGMAN.)

MAXINE: (reads.) “I place a curse on you, North Dakota Smith. The undead shall hunt you down and haunt you forever.”

JAMES: Might I ask something, Mr. von Strongman? What do you see as my motivation here?

STRONGMAN: Your motivation? To get beeg part in movie is your motivation. Now, please, to get on vit audition.

JAMES: Ah, to get a big part in a movie. What a brilliant director. I never had anyone communicate a character to me so quickly. (Looks at his script and then hugely overacts in a stylized dramatic fashion.) You have no power over me, monster! For I am protected by a magic older… (A dramatic pause.) …than even the mummy’s curse.

STRONGMAN: Not bad, not bad. But it needs to be… beegger, more dramatic, yes?

MAXINE: No, it doesn’t! Number three-seven-two!BILLY BOB: (steps forward. He is dressed in overalls and acts and

talks in typical hillbilly fashion.) I ain’t too good with numbers, but I reckon that must be me.

MAXINE: (reads.) “I place a curse on you, North Dakota Smith. The undead shall hunt you down and haunt you forever.”

BILLY BOB: There ain’t nothin’ you can do to me, Mr. Monster. I reckon I got a powerful strong piece of magic lookin’ after me.

STRONGMAN: I hate zese method actors! Everything internalized. Next!

MAXINE: Three-seven-three! (JAcK steps forward. reads.) “I place a curse on you, North Dakota Smith. The undead shall hunt you down and haunt you forever.”

JACK: (Acts reasonably well—clearly he is the right man for the part.) You have no power over me, monster! For I am protected by a magic older than even the mummy’s curse.

STRONGMAN: Geev us a moment, please, vhile vee decide who vee vill make a star. (Goes into a huddle with MAXINe. the following lines are spoken in the rhythm of “I Hope I Get It” from “A Chorus Line.”)

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BILLY BOB: Man, I hope I get it. I hope I get it.JAMES: How many people does he need?ELLIOT: (peeps out at AuDIeNce from oFFstAGe.) Look at

all the people. At all the people! (With terror in his eyes, he DIsAppeArs.)

JACK: I really need this job.MAXINE: Right, number three-seven-three, follow me to the business

office. The rest, thank you very much.JAMES: You mean you’re not going to use us?STRONGMAN: Oh, vee’re going to use you.MAXINE: We’re just not going to pay you.ELLIOT: (comes out from behind the curtain.) You mean I have to be

in a movie?MAXINE: Pack your bags, everybody. We leave for Vansyltrania in

the morning. (BLAcKout.)End of Scene Two

ACT ONE, Scene ThreeLIGHTS UP: On the set of the movie in Vansyltrania.GOBBLER: (Dressed to the nines and holding a radio microphone,

speaks in a cheerful broadcaster voice.) Hello, Hollywood and radio listeners across America, and greetings from the tiny European country of Vansyltrania. This is Hedda Gobbler, talking turkey from the set of the new David O. Dimwit thriller. In a stroke of creative genius, Mr. Dimwit has chosen to title his thriller “Thriller.” The entire movie will be filmed here in Vansyltrania, where vampires, monsters and wolf men are more than just legends. Now, I don’t want to say that this is a low-budget film, but the cast and crew traveled from Hollywood to Vansyltrania in a cattle boat and… well, let’s just say that the cattle had the good accommodations. Stay tuned for updates and all the gossip from the set. And now, back to our Hollywood studios. (Lowers the microphone and takes off her hat, fanning herself with it. Looks around, drops her radio voice and is now highly irritated.) For the love of Louis B. Mayer, why do I always have to cover the lunatics? Just once could they give me Cary Grant?! Jimmy Stewart?! I need coffee. Is there a drop of coffee in this country?!

IVAN: (eNters rIGHt followed by DIMWIt, stroNGMAN, MAXINe with her clipboard, JAcK and BILLy BoB.) Welcome, everyone, welcome to our beautiful country of Vansyltrania.

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JACK: (sniffs his arm.) I’ve bathed sixteen times in the past twelve hours, and I still smell like cow.

BILLY BOB: Yeah, it’s nice isn’t it? Reminds me of my cousin. Or was he my brother?

IVAN: I am Ivan Hoo, director of the Vansyltranian Authority for Tourism. We call it VAT for short.

DIMWIT: You are who?IVAN: That’s right.STRONGMAN: And you are in charge of vat?IVAN: Exactly.STRONGMAN: Exactly vat?IVAN: That’s right.MAXINE: What’s right?IVAN: That’s what I keep telling you.STRONGMAN: You keep telling us vat?IVAN: Yes.GOBBLER: Look, whoever you are. Can you possibly get me some

coffee?IVAN: Yes, I shall get you whatever you require. You like decaf?GOBBLER: No, I don’t like decaf. I’ve been in the bottom of a cattle

boat for 74 days. Do you think I like decaf?IVAN: I’m afraid all we have in Vansyltrania is decaf. We’re very

health conscious here. I do have hot chocolate, though.STRONGMAN: Excellent! I love hot chocolate.GOBBLER: (storms oFF LeFt with her microphone.) This better be

a quick shoot.MAXINE: (Looks at her clipboard.) With this sort of budget, it shouldn’t

take more than a few hours. (eXIts LeFt followed by DIMWIt and stroNGMAN.)

LACY: (eNters rIGHt with NorMA and they cross LeFt as NorMA checks things off on a clipboard.) I need a manicure and a pedicure and Perrier in my trailer.

NORMA: We don’t have trailers, Miss Donahue.LACY: I don’t care if we don’t have trailers, I want Perrier in mine.

(she and NorMA eXIt LeFt.)IVAN: Oh, my goodness! Is that who I think it is?JACK: That depends. Do you think it’s Clark Gable?IVAN: No.JACK: Well, then, it might be who you think it is.

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IVAN: I think it’s the famous, glamorous, talented movie star, Lacy Donahue.

JACK: Well, you’re wrong, then.IVAN: You mean it isn’t Lacy Donahue?JACK: Oh, it’s Lacy Donahue. It’s just that she’s not famous,

glamorous or talented.IVAN: Hey, be careful what you say! I am head of the Vansyltranian

branch of the Lacy Donahue fan club.JACK: I’ll bet that’s the only branch of the Lacy Donahue fan club.IVAN: I’ve been working to broaden Miss Donahue’s fan base here

in Vansyltrania.JACK: Oh, really? How many fans does she have here?IVAN: Counting me? One. But I’m spending all my time trying to

interest other Vansyltranians in the fan club.JACK: But I thought you spent all your time being in charge of tourism

for Vansyltrania.IVAN: Well, I do that, too.JACK: So, is director of tourism a hard job?IVAN: I don’t know, we never had any tourists before. (BLAcKout.)

End of Scene Three

ACT ONE, Scene FourLIGHTS UP: Café Vansyltrania. A café table and chairs have been brought on, and seated are DR. FRANKENSTEIN, MONSTER and EEGOR, hidden behind newspapers.MONSTER: (puts down paper.) Master. Says here Hollywood director

come Vansyltrania. Maybe me get job in movie.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: (Lowers the paper to reveal that she is a she.)

How many times do I have to tell you not to call me “Master” in public? Do you want to draw attention to yourself?

MONSTER: Sorry, master.EEGOR: (Lowers paper.) What sort of job could you get on a movie?MONSTER: Me always want work key grip.EEGOR: Do you have any idea what a key grip does?MONSTER: No. But me good at gripping. (Grips eeGor around

throat.)EEGOR: I see what you mean.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: All right, stop it, you two. (MoNster releases

eeGor.) The monster here has a point.

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MONSTER: (In a stage whisper to Dr. FrANKeNsteIN.) If call me “the monster” in public, call attention.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Right, right. Theodore here has a point. The Vansyltranian economy is rotten.

EEGOR: It’s Vlad the Impaler outsourcing all those jobs.MONSTER: Also Vansyltranian ducat been in decline since launch of

the euro.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Right. So if we are ever going to raise enough

money to build him (Indicates MoNster.) a bride, we’re going to have to take any jobs we can get.

EEGOR: I always fancied I’d make a good “special assistant to Clark Gable.”

MONSTER: Me also make good foley artist. How about master? Oh, sorry, me mean doctor.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Well, creating life is fun as a hobby, but I’ve always wanted to work in payroll.

BILLY BOB: (eNters LeFt with JAMes and sHAKespeAre. points at MoNster and speaks in the style of Gomer pyle.) Gollee, it’s Frankenstein!

MONSTER: Me not Frankenstein, me monster. I mean me Theodore.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I am Dr. Frankenstein.JAMES: But I thought Dr. Frankenstein was a man.BILLY BOB: Yeah, it was a man in the movie.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Naturally, since you are from Hollywood, you

believe everything you see in the movies.SHAKESPEARE: But wasn’t it also a man in the book?JAMES: And in the radio show?BILLY BOB: And in the cartoon?SHAKESPEARE: And in the film strip?JAMES: And on the cereal box?DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes. But books, radio shows, cartoons and

film strips don’t get everything right, you know.EEGOR: What about the cereal box?DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes, I grant that you can usually depend on

the historical accuracy of cereal boxes, but not this time!MAXINE: (eNters LeFt with a clipboard.) Say, any of you folks

interested in working on a movie?DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Why, it’s almost as if you can read our minds.

That’s just what we were thinking.

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MAXINE: Trust me, lady, I’ve been on hundreds of location shoots, and that’s what the locals are always thinking.

MONSTER: Me thinking assistant director make tasty appetizer. That what locals always think?

MAXINE: (Notices MONSTER.) Say, that’s some get-up you got there. Hey, Norma, you got the extras list?

NORMA: (ENTERS LEFT.) Yeah, I got it. We need two hundred angry villagers, a mad scientist’s assistant, a monster and a baseball team.

MAXINE: A baseball team?NORMA: Oh, sorry, that’s from “Three Strikes and You’re Dead.”MONSTER: Me love that movie. Me always secretly want to be Babe

Ruth.MAXINE: Well, I can’t make you the Babe, but how would you like to

play the role of Frankenstein’s monster in our movie?MONSTER: Me tired of being typecast. Me really prefer to work as

key grip.MAXINE: No dice, buddy. That’s a union job, and you know how the

Vansyltranian local is.MONSTER: Do I ever.MAXINE: If you play the monster, we’ll give you twenty ducats a day

and all the electricity you can use.MONSTER: What about Perrier in trailer?NORMA: Don’t push your luck, pal.MONSTER: Okay, me do it.EEGOR: (Stands to reveal he is a hunchback.) What about me? I

could play the role of the mad scientist’s assistant. I have some experience in the vein.

NORMA: He does have his own hump.MAXINE: Fantastic. Come with me, gentlemen. We have a few

waivers for you to sign.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: What about me? Don’t you need someone to

play the role of the great Dr. Frankenstein?MAXINE: Oh, we have a real actor for that. James Huntington.

Perhaps you’ve heard of him. He played dead soldier number four thousand eight in “Gone with the Wind.”

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: (Rises.) Well, perhaps you have heard of me. I am Dr. Francis Frankenstein, graduate of the Sorbonne, Professor of the University of Vansyltrania, creator of life and inventor of the Happy Meal.

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NORMA: But you’re a woman.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Are you saying that a woman couldn’t invent

the Happy Meal?MAXINE: No, it’s just that everyone knows Dr. Frankenstein is a man.

Just look at the—DR. FRANKENSTEIN: If you say cereal box, I shall set my monster

on you!MAXINE: Look, doctor, if you just come with us, I’m sure we can find

you a part in the movie.NORMA: (As they all begin to eXIt rIGHt.) She sure looks like an

angry villager to me. (ALL eXIt rIGHt. BLAcKout.)End of Scene Four

ACT ONE, Scene FiveLIGHTS UP: The graveyard. Café table and chairs have been removed. Lighting UPSTAGE reveals graveyard set or backdrop. IVAN ENTERS LEFT with DIMWIT and STRONGMAN.IVAN: So, gentlemen, you can see that we have many wonderful

locations for you to film here in Vansyltrania.DIMWIT: Have any movies been filmed here before?IVAN: Oh, yes—”The Wizard of Vansyltrania,” “The Vansyltranian

Falcon,” “The Grapes of Vansyltrania”…STRONGMAN: I haf never heard of any of zese movies.IVAN: Well, none of them was actually finished.DIMWIT: Why not?IVAN: Oh, you know, all the usual problems people have on film

sets—vampires, monsters… (Whispers.) …wolf men.STRONGMAN: Volf men?!IVAN: Shh! Don’t tell anyone I told you.DIMWIT: So have any of the previous film crews made it out of

Vansyltrania alive?IVAN: Usually they run screaming into the night, so it’s hard to tell.

(points to the graveyard set or backdrop upstAGe.) So what do you think of our lovely graveyard? It should be perfect for your midnight scenes.

STRONGMAN: Vee shall need to shoot by the light of a full moon. Zee script says there is a full moon, zo I insist on a full moon.

IVAN: I’m not sure you want to be in our graveyard during a full moon. It’s not the safest time.

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STRONGMAN: Nonsense. Vee must to have a full moon. Ven is next full moon?

DIMWIT: Two nights from now, Otto. I already checked it out in this book I bought at Vansyltrania News and Garlic.

STRONGMAN: Vat book is zat?DIMWIT: (Holds up book.) “Calendar of Nights You Should Absolutely,

Positively Stay out of the Vansyltranian Graveyard.”MAXINE: (eNters rIGHt with NorMA.) Good news, Mr. Dimwit.

We found locals to play all the extras.NORMA: We even found the perfect person to play the role of

Frankenstein’s monster.IVAN: You mean Theodore?MAXINE: How did you know?IVAN: A lucky guess.NORMA: And we found a fabulous person to play the mad scientist’s

assistant.IVAN: Ah, that must be Eegor.MAXINE: How did you guess?IVAN: Just a hunch.NORMA: Precisely! That’s why we cast him.DIMWIT: Excellent work, ladies. Now all we need to do is find a

mummy’s tomb, and we can begin filming.IVAN: That is no problem, Mr. Dimwit. We have a mummy’s tomb right

here in the graveyard.STRONGMAN: You haf mummy’s tomb in Vansyltrania? How is zees

possible? Mummies live in Egypt.IVAN: Actually my mummy lived in Düsseldorf.DIMWIT: This is a real mummy’s tomb you’re talking about? With

hieroglyphs and tourists and everything?IVAN: Yes, except for the tourists. You see, many years ago, our local

count, a certain Dracula, was shopping for bedding through an Egyptian mail order company.

NORMA: Well, it’s true that Egyptian cotton makes the best sheets.IVAN: Yes, but Count Dracula’s needs were slightly more complicated

than that. You see, he ordered a lovely sarcophagus to sleep in.MAXINE: That’s a creepy place to spend the night.IVAN: Oh, he didn’t want to spend the night there. He sleeps during

the day. Anyway, when the sarcophagus arrived, the count was very upset because it was already occupied by the mummy of

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an ancient Egyptian king. So he donated it to the Vansyltranian graveyard and ordered a coffin from a company in Nebraska.

STRONGMAN: Zees is perfect. Vee take old mummy out, put actor een und make movie. Please to show us zees tomb.

IVAN: It’s right over there, gentlemen. (points oFF rIGHt. stroNGMAN and DIMWIt eXIt rIGHt.)

NORMA: I’m sure glad I’m not playing the mummy.MAXINE: You and me both.IVAN: Tell me, ladies, do you work with Miss Lacy Donahue?NORMA: You bet we do.IVAN: Please, tell me what she’s like.MAXINE: Well, let’s just say I don’t think she’ll have too much trouble

with vampires.IVAN: Why’s that?MAXINE: Because she has ice water in her veins. (BLAcKout.)

End of Scene Five

ACT ONE, Scene SixLIGHTS UP: The mummy’s tomb. The sarcophagus has been wheeled ON LEFT. Optional flats behind it may be painted like stonework with Egyptian hieroglyphics. STRONGMAN, MAXINE, NORMA, JACK and LACY ENTER RIGHT. NORMA carries a slate. Close on their heels is IVAN. During the BLACKOUT, ELLIOT, the actor playing the MUMMY, has placed himself in the sarcophagus.LACY: Ugh! I had a vampire in my room again last night.IVAN: I’m so sorry, Miss Donahue. Have you tried garlic?LACY: Of course I’ve tried garlic. Don’t you think I would have tried

garlic? My whole room smells like a Caesar salad.JACK: Well, you never heard of Caesar being attacked by vampires

now, did you?IVAN: I’m so sorry, Miss Donahue. I’ll put some more mirrors in your

room right away.LACY: Well, yes, it would be nice to see myself from more angles,

but I’d really rather you do something about the vampires! (IVAN eXIts rIGHt.)

STRONGMAN: (calls after IVAN.) Und just bring me back some hot chocolate ven you return.

NORMA: (to MAXINe.) I’ve never seen a human being consume hot chocolate like that man.

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MAXINE: Tell me about it. I heard Ivan Hoo had to import a wagonload of marshmallows from Fredonia.

STRONGMAN: People, people. Zees is zee creetical scene, ya? Lunch break is over, now is back to vork. (takes LAcy aside.) Now, Lacy, I must to hear zee scream zees time, ya? It must be loud. It is scream of terror, ya? You understand?

LACY: I think you should know, Otto, there was no Perrier in my trailer again today.

STRONGMAN: You haf a trailer? You don’t by chance haf any hot chocolate, do you?

LACY: I wonder if vampires could have stolen my Perrier? Do they drink cold water?

NORMA: (Aside.) She should know.MAXINE: Okay, we’re ready.STRONGMAN: Okay, places everybody. Remember. Beeg vit zee

emotions!NORMA: (Holds up the slate.) Thriller, scene six, take forty-seven.

(claps the slate. Dramatic underscoring MusIc begins as the LIGHts DIM slightly. JAcK and LAcy cross LeFt towards the sarcophagus.)

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA SMITH: My entire career as an archeologist, I’ve waited for this moment. I’m glad I have you by my side, Blondie.

LACY AS BLONDIE: Did you have Perrier in your trailer today, North Dakota?

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: (Looks confused but stroNGMAN, MAXINe and NorMA all motion him to go on.) We know each other pretty well now, Blondie. You can call me by my initials, N.D. Now, if this map is correct, we are only steps from the lost tomb of King Ramalama Dingdong, ruler of ancient Egypt, offspring of Isis and inventor of the refrigerator magnet.

LACY AS BLONDIE: Gosh, N.D., I sure am… (Looks to MAXINe, drops character and calls.) Line.

MAXINE: Scared.STRONGMAN: Keep rolling. Vee can edit.LACY AS BLONDIE: Gosh, N.D., I sure am scared.JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Don’t worry, Blondie. Just because

the king was buried alive by his enemies, and just because his one true love, Princess Doo Wa Diddy, was murdered, and just because he vowed to return in three thousand years to be

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reunited with her reincarnation, and just because you look exactly like her, that’s no reason to be scared.

LACY AS BLONDIE: No, I’m scared I might catch a heel in the floor of this ancient tomb.

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: (Now stands before the sarcophagus.) Here it is. I can barely read the ancient hieroglyphics.

LACY AS BLONDIE: What do they say?JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: (reads.) “Archeologists of the future:

Within this sarcophagus lies the mummy of King Ramalama Dingdong and all his treasures. Please forward all proceeds from museum exhibits, postcards and t-shirt sales to the following numbered Swiss bank account.”

LACY AS BLONDIE: Treasures? Let’s see what’s in there. (Begins to open the sarcophagus.)

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: No, we mustn’t open the sarcophagus until we perform the ancient ceremony to prevent— (Looks to NorMA.) What’s the line?

NORMA: Until we perform the ancient ceremony to prevent the resurrection of the mummy. (During this line, LAcy has removed the cover of the sarcophagus, and the MuMMy has emerged.)

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Until we perform the ancient ceremony to prevent the resurrection of the mummy.

ELLIOT AS MUMMY: Too late.STRONGMAN: Now. Zee scream! Zee scream. (LAcy gives a

quiet and halfhearted scream.) Cut, cut, cut! Zat is no scream. I am vanting real scream! Imagine if, if… (turns to MAXINe.) Vat vould make her afraid? (MAXINe whispers into his ear.) Imagine if Perrier vent out of business. Zat is zee kind of horror vee must feel.

ELLIOT: Listen, Otto, I am not going back in there. That mummy is giving me the creeps.

NORMA: Yeah, sorry about that. The Vansyltranian Preservation Society says we can’t take the old mummy out.

ELLIOT: Besides, I can’t breathe in there. One more take and I will need resurrecting.

STRONGMAN: Fine, Fine. Vee take it from vere mummy comes out of box, ya. Und Lacy, please for me—be afraid. Zee screaming, ya?

LACY: We cannot run into lunch hour because I have a manicure at twelve thirty.

NORMA: Scene six-b take forty-eight. (claps the slate.)

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ELLIOT AS MUMMY: (With arms outstretched, steps towards LAcy, who shows no real signs of fear.) Princess Doo Wa Diddy. You are as beautiful as ever. I come to reclaim you for my queen. (suddenly eLLIot goes rigid and falls into JAcK’s arms. JAcK lays him on the ground and pulls off his mask.)

STRONGMAN: Vat is wrong, Vat is wrong? Zees is not in script!JACK: Sorry, Otto, I’m afraid— (Feels eLLIot’s neck.) I’m afraid he’s

dead. (LAcy lets out a bloodcurdling scream.)STRONGMAN: Perfect! Zat vas vat I call a scream. Please tell me

sound vas still rolling.MAXINE: Absolutely, Otto. We got the whole thing.STRONGMAN: Fantastic, fantastic. Now vee stop for lunch. (eXIts

rIGHt.)JACK: (calls after him.) Um, excuse me, Otto, but what do we do

about the actor you smothered to death by making him stand in a coffin for forty-eight takes?

NORMA: Forty-seven, actually. We started the last take with him outside…

JACK: What difference does that make? This man is dead.LACY: This is too traumatic for me. I need my manicure. Now! (eXIts

rIGHt.)MAXINE: We’d better get a medic in here. Medic!NORMA: That would be me.MAXINE: I thought you were the clappy girl.NORMA: My title is production assistant, and I also happen to be the

medic. (Bends down to examine eLLIot.)MAXINE: Have you had any actual medical training?NORMA: No, not really. (Holds his hand up and lets go. It falls limp to

the ground.) If he were alive, I couldn’t do much for him.MAXINE: Well, I guess it’s lucky that he’s dead, then. Come on, help

me get him off the set. (she and JAcK make as if to drag eLLIot oFF but are interrupted by INspector IDIot, who eNters rIGHt with JAMes and BILLy BoB.)

INSPECTOR: Just a moment! That is valuable evidence you are disturbing, and I order you to cease.

NORMA: Who are you?INSPECTOR: I am Chief Inspector Idiot of the Vansyltranian police

force.MAXINE: You are an idiot?

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INSPECTOR: Yes, I come from a long line of Idiots. My father was an Idiot. My grandfather was an Idiot. My great-uncle was one of the great Idiots of history.

BILLY BOB: What did he do?INSPECTOR: He was Donald Trump’s hairstylist. Now, you will please

allow me to proceed with my work. (takes out a large magnifying glass and begins to inspect the body.)

JACK: What are you looking for?INSPECTOR: Clues, you fool. I am trying to discover how this man

was murdered.JAMES/BILLY BOB/NORMA/MAXINE/JACK: Murdered?MAXINE: He wasn’t murdered. It was an accident. He suffocated.NORMA: If you want to blame someone, blame the Vansyltranian

Preservation Society.INSPECTOR: I am the police inspector here, and I shall decide whether

or not this man… (Nudges eLLIot with his foot.) …has been murdered. (continues to examine the corpse with his magnifying glass.) Aha! After careful inspection, I have discovered that this man has been tied up in strips of cloth—definitely a sign of foul play.

JAMES: He’s supposed to be a mummy.INSPECTOR: Don’t be ridiculous. A man can’t be a mommy. What do

you take me for, an idiot?NORMA: But you are an idiot. You said so yourself.INSPECTOR: Not that kind of idiot, the Idiot kind of Idiot.BILLY BOB: He really is an idiot.JAMES: Look, the reason he’s wrapped in strips of cloth is because

he was playing the role of the ancient mummy of King Ramalama Dingdong. He’s a film actor.

INSPECTOR: (Has raised eLLIot’s hand during this last speech and now lets it fall to the ground.) Not any more. You four—take this man away. Lucky for him that the great Chief Inspector Idiot is on the job.

JACK: Yeah, he must be thrilled. (eXIts rIGHt with JAMes, BILLy BoB and MAXINe, carrying eLLIot. NorMA follows. GoBBLer eNters LeFt with her microphone.)

GOBBLER: Stop the presses, Hollywood. There’s murder on the set of David O. Dimwit’s new thriller, and this is Hedda Gobbler, talking turkey with you from the crime-ridden streets of Vansyltrania. (turns to INspector, who has been examining the sarcophagus.) Excuse me, sir, are you the police inspector?

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INSPECTOR: I am Chief Inspector Idiot, and I am in charge of the investigation of this murder.

GOBBLER: So you believe there has, in fact, been a murder?INSPECTOR: Madam, I have discovered a body that is quite dead. By

the careful looking at the fibers here (taps on the sarcophagus.), I can tell you that the victim was tied up and locked in this box. I have not seen such a clear-cut case of murder in all my time on the force.

GOBBLER: And how long have you been on the force?INSPECTOR: Two weeks next Tuesday.GOBBLER: But today is Tuesday.INSPECTOR: Yes.GOBBLER: So, really one week.INSPECTOR: If you choose to express it that way.GOBBLER: And how many murders have you seen in that time?INSPECTOR: You are missing the point, madam. I am the Chief

Inspector of the Vansyltranian police force, we have had a murder, and I shall not rest until the crime is solved. (eXIts LeFt.)

GOBBLER: Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Stern words from Inspector Idiot…

INSPECTOR’S VOICE: (From oFF LeFt.) Chief Inspector!GOBBLER: Yes, stern words from Chief Inspector Idiot as murder

returns to the deadly country of Vansyltrania. (During this line, IVAN ENTERS RIGHT in a fluster.)

IVAN: It’s not a deadly country, I tell you. We have many beautiful lakes and fjords.

GOBBLER: How can you have fjords? This is a landlocked country.IVAN: Well, we do have lakes. And Wiener schnitzel is two-for-one

every Wednesday night.GOBBLER: Who are you?IVAN: Yes, I am.GOBBLER: You are who?IVAN: That’s right, Ivan Hoo, head of the Vansyltranian Authority for

Tourism.GOBBLER: Well, Mr. Hoo, what about Vansyltrania’s reputation for

vampires and wolf men and monsters created by mad scientists?IVAN: Well, first of all, we prefer the term “wolf people” and instead of

monsters, we refer to them as “differently created.”GOBBLER: And the vampires?

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IVAN: Well, yes, we do have a little problem with vampires. But on alternate Thursdays, we offer free admission to the Museum of Sheep Farming.

GOBBLER: (Now speaking into her microphone and ignoring IVAN.) Well, there it is, America—the cover-up begins. This is Hedda Gobbler, talking turkey from the streets of Vansyltrania, where even a famous movie star can be murdered in cold blood. (Lowers her microphone.)

IVAN: But he wasn’t famous!GOBBLER: He will be now. (eXIts LeFt with microphone.)IVAN: Wait! Don’t you want to tell your listeners about our annual goat

festival! (eXIts after her. BLAcKout.)End of Scene Six

ACT ONE, Scene SevenLIGHTS UP: On the movie set. The sarcophagus has been removed. DIMWIT ENTERS RIGHT, followed by SHAKESPEARE and DICKENS, who carries the script and a pen.DIMWIT: This is a disaster, I tell you, a disaster. How can I make a

mummy movie with no mummy?SHAKESPEARE: I don’t see what the big deal is. You’re making a

musical with no music and a comedy that’s not funny.DICKENS: (smacks sHAKespeAre.) It’s not a problem, Mr. Dimwit,

I promise you. We’ll just do a rewrite.SHAKESPEARE: Yeah, after all, it’s not like the script could be any

worse.DICKENS: (Whispers to sHAKespeAre.) You’re not helping!DIMWIT: (Now starts to rant.) A rewrite? A rewrite! I don’t have time

for a rewrite. I’ve already booked the theatre for the premiere. I’ve already bribed the critics to come and see this thing. I’ve already bought a truckload of Tums for when I read the reviews!

DICKENS: Look, when do you want to start filming the next scene?DIMWIT: (Looks at his watch.) In five minutes.SHAKESPEARE: Five minutes? We can’t do a rewrite in five

minutes!DICKENS: Oh, hush. You couldn’t do a rewrite in five years. I’ll do it.SHAKESPEARE: Hey, that script is as much mine as it is yours.DICKENS: Why? Because you wrote four lines of dialogue and I

wrote all the rest?SHAKESPEARE: I wrote more than four lines!

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DICKENS: Did not!SHAKESPEARE: Did, too!DICKENS: Did not!SHAKESPEARE: Did, too!DIMWIT: Well, I’ll just leave you to it. I expect the new script in…

(Looks at his watch.) …four minutes and eighteen seconds. (eXIts LeFt.)

SHAKESPEARE: So now what do we do?DICKENS: (opens the script and takes out a pen.) Look, he needs to

film the next scene with no mummy, right?SHAKESPEARE: Right.DICKENS: (Marks in the script with her pen.) So, we do this… and

this… and this. Voilà! No mummy.SHAKESPEARE: And what about the scene after that?DICKENS: They don’t film that until Tuesday. Let’s wait to see who’s

alive then before we do too much work. (BLAcKout.)End of Scene Seven

ACT ONE, Scene EightLIGHTS UP DIM: Midnight in the graveyard. STRONGMAN, NORMA, JACK and BILLY BOB ENTER RIGHT, and EEGOR, MONSTER and DR. FRANKENSTEIN, who carries a cut-out tree, ENTER LEFT. NORMA hands out papers to the actors.STRONGMAN: Very good, velcome everyone. Tonight, by zee light of

zee full moon, vee shall film scene eight.NORMA: (Looks at one of the papers.) I though this was scene nine.STRONGMAN: Nein. Eight.BILLY BOB: Nine eight? What’s he talking about?STRONGMAN: I mean nein, it is not nine, it is eight.BILLY BOB: Huh?NORMA: (continues to hand out pages to the Actors.) We’ve

made some changes to this scene since we don’t have a mummy, so please look over the new pages.

MONSTER: (Looks at pages.) Me no like the sound of this.STRONGMAN: Now vee just vant to meet our new extras, so please

to introduce yourselves, everyone.BILLY BOB: Well, howdy, everybody, I’m Billy Bob Walton, and I’m

shore glad to be here.NORMA: And your part?

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BILLY BOB: Oh, right. I’m playing the part of the wolfman. (Howls impressively. otHers applaud.)

JACK: Name’s Jack Quincy. Citizen of the world, and I’m playing the role of North Dakota Smith.

MONSTER: (raises his hand.) Me next, me next!NORMA: Fine.MONSTER: Me name Theodore K. Monster. Me typecast as usual in

role of monster. And me not too pleased with these rewrites.EEGOR: My name is Eegor, and I shall be playing the part of…

(Looks at his script.) …Eegor.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I am Dr. Francis Frankenstein. I hold the key

to life itself, but in this film I shall be playing the role of… (Holds the cut-out tree in front of herself.) …tree number six.

STRONGMAN: (Looks at his script.) Tree number six? Nein! Eight.BILLY BOB: I am so confused.EEGOR: So if she plays a tree, who plays Dr. Frankenstein?JAMES: (eNters rIGHt.) I am James Worthington St. John

Huntington the third. I trained at Julliard, the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts and Mr. Bouncy Clown’s Preschool for Gifted Toddlers. I shall perform the role of the brilliant scientist and creator of life, Baron von… (A dramatic pause while he whips his cape over his shoulder.) …Frankenstein! (LIGHts FLAsH momentarily.)

EEGOR: (Aside.) And the role of his ego is played by the state of Montana.

STRONGMAN: Fine, enough vit zee cheet chat. Is time to make movie, ya? Now, zees is scene vere mummy is missing.

BILLY BOB: He ain’t missin’, he’s dead.STRONGMAN: Not movie-actor mummy, real mummy.JACK: (Looks at his script.) So who plays the real mummy?STRONGMAN: No one plays mummy. Mummy is missing!LACY: (sticks her head oN rIGHt.) I’ll tell you what’s missing. My

Perrier is missing! (Disappears again.)BILLY BOB: I’m confused. If this is a mummy movie, how come we

ain’t got no mummy?STRONGMAN: Look. Zees is scene vere North Dakota Smeeth gets

help from great Dr. Frankenstein in catching mummy. Vee haf no mummy? Is no problem. Vee edit in mummy after vee get home.

BILLY BOB: (sotto voce.) If we get home.STRONGMAN: Right. Now, places everybody. (sits in his director’s

chair. JAMes, BILLy BoB, eeGor and MoNster eXIt LeFt.

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Dr. FrANKeNsteIN assumes her place up LeFt as a tree. JAcK hides behind her.)

NORMA: Scene eight, take one. (claps the slate.) Sound. (underscoring MusIc BeGINs.)

STRONGMAN: Action. (JAMes eNters LeFt.)JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: (peeks out from BeHIND Dr.

FrANKeNsteIN [the tree].) Dr. Frankenstein. Over here.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Where are you?JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Behind this tree.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Which tree?JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Tree number six.STRONGMAN: Nein. Eight.JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: (emerges from behind Dr.

FrANKeNsteIN.) Is the plan in place for capturing the mummy?JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes. I, master of all science, have

created a perfect duplicate of the murdered Princess Doo Wa Diddy. Once the mummy sees her under the light of the full moon, he will be completely fooled, and we will be able to lead him back to his tomb.

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: And you thought of that all by yourself?

EEGOR: (eNters LeFt.) On the contrary, Mr. Smith. He can’t even keep his own laboratory clean. I hatched the diabolical plan to capture the mummy.

JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Did not.EEGOR: Did too.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Did not, not, not.EEGOR: Did too, times infinity.JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. Where

is this creature made in the image of the beautiful Princess Doo Wa Diddy?

MONSTER: (eNters LeFt with a disheveled blonde wig on his head.) Here.

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Very impressive work.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: You don’t think the boots will give

it away?EEGOR: It’s a known fact that mummies have extremely poor night

vision.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Shh. I hear someone coming.

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EEGOR: The plan is working. It must be the mummy. Quick, hide behind these trees.

JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Which trees?EEGOR: Trees number… (Looks towards stroNGMAN.) …six and

eight?STRONGMAN: Ya! (JAMes, eeGor and JAcK hide behind the

trees. MoNster stands ceNter stAGe.)BILLY BOB AS WOLFMAN: (eNters LeFt.) Well, hi there, honey.

You shouldn’t be out on a night like this all by yourself.MONSTER: Me can look after self, thank you very much.BILLY BOB AS WOLFMAN: A pretty little thing like you in the

Vansyltranian graveyard under a full moon? Why don’t you let me walk you home?

MONSTER: You really think me pretty? (JAMes, eeGor and JAcK emerge from hiding. BILLy BoB begins to scratch himself like a dog, twitch and show signs of turning into a wolf.)

JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: What are you doing here?EEGOR: We’re trying to trap the mummy.BILLY BOB AS WOLFMAN: Sorry, I didn’t know. I was just out for a

arghh rargh… (His speech deteriorates into growling and guttural animal noises.)

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: I don’t understand what he is saying. (By now BILLy BoB is on all fours and continues to make noises as if trying to communicate.)

EEGOR: Maybe he’s playing charades. How many syllables?JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Don’t you see what’s happening

to him, you idiots?INSPECTOR: (sticks his head oN LeFt.) They are not Idiots— I am

the Idiot. (retreats.)MONSTER: Is he having allergic reaction?EEGOR: Muscle spasm?JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: No, you fools, look at the moon!

(points up.)MONSTER: It very lovely.EEGOR: We’re proud of our beautiful Vansyltranian nights.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: It’s full!JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: (Looks at his watch.) Let’s see, this is

the eighteenth. I think you’re right. It is full.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: A full moon means he… (points

at BILLy BoB.) …is turning into a werewolf! (A DrAMAtIc

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cHorD oF MusIc. During this conversation, BILLy BoB has surreptitiously put on a werewolf mask.)

EEGOR/JACK/MONSTER: A werewolf! (BILLy BoB, now thoroughly transformed, lets out a long, menacing howl. the other FILM Actors, except JAMes, respond with screams of terror. A moment of chaos ensues in which the eNtIre cAst, even those previously oFFstAGe, run pell mell around the stage screaming, while BILLy BoB as the WereWoLF continues to howl.)

STRONGMAN: (Addresses the AuDIeNce.) Vat’s zee matter vit you people? Scream, I tell you! Scream! Come on. Louder. I need to hear terror in your voices! Zees is for zee soundtrack! (BILLy BoB runs oFF rIGHt as do ALL cAst MeMBers eXcept JAMes, eeGor, JAcK, MoNster and Dr. FrANKeNsteIN. stroNGMAN returns to his director’s chair.)

JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: (to AuDIeNce.) You must calm yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. I have made a lifelong study of the Vansyltranian werewolf, and I assure you he is totally harmless.

EEGOR: Unless he gets a-hold of one of your limbs.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Well, yes, I’ll grant you, it can be painful to

have a limb torn from your body, but you can’t blame the werewolf. It’s instinct, you know.

MONSTER: (points oFF rIGHt.) He coming, he coming! (He and ALL others except JAMes As Dr. FrANKeNsteIN cower across stAGe from where BILLy BoB as the WoLFMAN now eNters. From his mouth and in his hands hang strips of cloth.)

JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Remain calm. We don’t want to alarm him. Just let me talk with him.

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: He’s all yours.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: As it happens I understand

werewolf. Now tell me, young lycanthrope, where did you get those strips of cloth? (BILLy BoB makes animal noises as if to respond.) He says he caught the mummy in the forest.

EEGOR: Fantastic. Now we can lock him back in his tomb.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: And what did you do with him?

(More noises from BILLy BoB.) That’s werewolf for, “I tore his cloth off, but he got away.”

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Great! How are we going to recognize him if he’s unwrapped? (BILLy BoB suddenly goes rigid.)

EEGOR: Maybe we can tell him by his Egyptian accent.JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: What’s he saying now?

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JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: His body’s gone rigid. That’s werewolf for “I am cold.”

MONSTER: But it eighty degrees. Unusually warm for Vansyltranian night. (BILLy BoB keels over into JAMes’s arms. JAMes lays him on the ground.)

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Now what’s he saying?JAMES: (Holds up one of BILLy BoB’s hands and lets it drop limply

to the ground.) Well, I’m not completely familiar with the body language of werewolves, but I’m pretty sure this means, “I am dead.”

JACK: That’s not the line. Is that the line?NORMA: (Looks at her script.) No, the werewolf is supposed to say

“Arrrgghh.”JACK: (Looks at BILLy BoB.) He’s not saying it.JAMES: Perhaps you didn’t understand me because of my brilliant

acting. It was not as Dr. Frankenstein that I delivered the line, but as myself, the great James Huntington. What I was trying to convey to you was that this man… (Indicates BILLy BoB.) …is dead!

JACK/EEGOR/MONSTER: Dead!STRONGMAN: Not again! Cut, cut, cut! Medic!MONSTER: Me not know about you guys, but me no waiting for

Inspector Idiot to show up. (eXIts rIGHt in a hurry just as INspector eNters LeFt.)

INSPECTOR: Chief Inspector Idiot!JACK: Um, I have to go pick up my dry cleaning.JAMES: I need to go register my ego with Vansyltranian customs.EEGOR: I have an appointment to get my hump waxed. (He, JAMes

and JAcK quickly eXIt rIGHt.)INSPECTOR: (stoops to examine the body.) So, another murder

on the set of your movie, Mr. Strongman. This looks most auspicious.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: (sets down her tree and steps forward.) Don’t you mean suspicious?

INSPECTOR: That, too.MARCUS VON WELBY: (eNters rIGHt with MAXINe.) Make way,

make way. I need to examine the body.INSPECTOR: What do you mean “make way”? Nobody’s in your

way.MAXINE: He just likes to sound officious.

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DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Don’t you mean official?MAXINE: That, too.STRONGMAN: Who are you, anyvay?MARCUS: (Now examining the expired BILLy BoB.) I am Marcus von

Welby, the new medic. After the mummy was murdered, Mr. Dimwit thought there should be someone on the set with medical training.

INSPECTOR: (takes out his steno pad.) And what sort of medical training do you have?

MARCUS: I’m a veterinarian.INSPECTOR: Well, doctor, what is your opinion?MARCUS: Well, I need to take him back to the clinic for a more careful

examination, but I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities.STRONGMAN: Ya?MARCUS: Either this man is a werewolf… or…MAXINE: Or what?MARCUS: Or he is an actor dressed in a werewolf mask. But either

way, he definitely has fleas.INSPECTOR: But is he alive?MARCUS: Oh, no. He’s not alive. Look. (Lifts up BILLy BoB’s hand

and drops it; it falls to the ground.)INSPECTOR: So what was the cause of death?MARCUS: Well, in my business it’s usually either running out in the

street or choking on a bone.INSPECTOR: And which do you think it was in this case?MARCUS: I’ll have to do a more thorough examination to find out.

Come on, help me to carry him back to the clinic, and we can solve this mystery.

INSPECTOR: If there is any solving of mysteries to be done, it will be done by me.

MARCUS: (starts, with the help of the otHers, to lift BILLy BoB.) Whatever you say, Inspector.

INSPECTOR: Chief Inspector! (BLAcKout.)End of ACT ONE

ACT TWO, Scene OneLIGHTS UP: On the set of the movie. GOBBLER ENTERS LEFT with her microphone.GOBBLER: Stop the presses, Hollywood! You want scandal, you’ve

got scandal. This is Hedda Gobbler with a special edition of

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“Talking Turkey” from Vansyltrania. One murder on a film set is a story—but two murders? That’s unprecedented, folks! But it’s happened here on the set of David O. Dimwit’s soon-to-be blockbuster thriller. Yes, folks, nothing sells like controversy, and what could be more controversial than actors dropping like flies, keeling over like… like keels? And here comes the producer, David O. Dimwit, now. (DIMWIt eNters LeFt.) Mr. Dimwit, do you have any comment on this latest tragedy?

DIMWIT: Well, Hedda, all of us at Dimwit Productions are extremely saddened by recent events. But you can rest assured that if there are any more murders, you’ll be the first to know.

GOBBLER: Do you expect more murders?DIMWIT: Well, no, of course I don’t expect them. But when you’re

making a film of this importance, this majesty, this scope and grandeur, there are risks. (sHAKespeAre and DIcKeNs eNter LeFt.)

GOBBLER: So Mr. Dimwit, will this magnificent picture be completed on schedule?

DIMWIT: We hope so, Hedda. We just have two more scenes to film, and then it’s back to Hollywood for the world premiere.

GOBBLER: Well, America, you heard it here first. David O. Dimwit’s epic masterpiece will wrap on time, despite a string of tragic murders. This is Hedda Gobbler, talking turkey. Good night. (eXIts rIGHt with microphone.)

SHAKESPEARE: Epic masterpiece?DICKENS: Magnificent picture?SHAKESPEARE: I thought you said this was the lowest budget film

you’ve ever made.DIMWIT: It’s not about the budget, ladies, it’s about marketing. And

nothing adds luster to a film like a little mystery and intrigue on the set.

DICKENS: It almost sounds like you’re glad those actors got murdered.

DIMWIT: Of course I’m not glad. We corporate executives would never be so callous as to revel in other people’s misfortune. We just take advantage of it, that’s all.

SHAKESPEARE: Well, here are the new rewrites, sir. We had to make some changes since the wolfman died. (Hands pages to DIMWIt.)

DIMWIT: I thought you were going to cut this scene. We’re running out of actors, remember?

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DICKENS: No, we figured out a way to make it work.DIMWIT: So who plays Angus, the Egyptologist?DICKENS: (Holds out a photograph of the monster.) This guy.DIMWIT: And who plays the waiter?SHAKESPEARE: You do. (DIMWIt looks stunned. BLAcKout.)

End of Scene One

ACT TWO, Scene TwoLIGHTS UP: At the café. IVAN and MARCUS ENTER LEFT. If desired, they can set up the café table and two chairs as they chat.IVAN: You know, it’s not much help to the tourism industry in

Vansyltrania to have all these murders.MARCUS: Is there a tourism industry in Vansyltrania?IVAN: Well, we have our beautiful forests and meadows, and last

year’s cheese tasting contest attracted over seven people.MARCUS: Over seven people?IVAN: It attracted eight people, okay. And all eight of them work at the

cheese factory here in Vansyltrania.MARCUS: So we have no actual tourists?IVAN: No.MARCUS: Well, look on the bright side. If we have no tourists, then all

these murders shouldn’t have any effect on our tourism industry.IVAN: Look, all I’m suggesting is, since you’re the veterinarian in

charge, maybe you could call the deaths accidental instead of murder. It wouldn’t look so bad.

MARCUS: Hey, I’m under a lot of pressure here. You want the murders to be accidents, David O. Dimwit wants to use them for publicity, and I’m not even mentioning the hassle I’m getting from Inspector Idiot.

INSPECTOR IDIOT’S VOICE: (From oFF LeFt.) Chief Inspector Idiot!

MARCUS: He keeps asking to examine the bodies himself.IVAN: So why don’t you let him?MARCUS: I can’t find them.IVAN: You can’t find them?MARCUS: Yeah. I thought I left them by the door with my keys, but

they’re not there.IVAN: Did you look in your car?

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MARCUS: In the car, under the bed, behind the couch. I can’t find them anywhere.

IVAN: Well, I wouldn’t let Chief Inspector Idiot know that if I were you. Do you know the penalty for losing evidence in a murder case in Vansyltrania?

MARCUS: No.IVAN: Neither do I. But I’m sure the chief inspector does.NORMA: (eNters rIGHt with a megaphone.) Okay, I need all

locals to clear the shot please. We’re setting up for scene 21. Actors, to your places, please. (MAXINe eNters rIGHt. IVAN and MArcus stand motionless. NorMA crosses to them and points the megaphone directly at them.) All tourist authority directors and veterinarians, please clear the set now.

IVAN: Do you think she’s talking to us?MARCUS: I’m not a tourist authority director.IVAN: And I am not a veterinarian.NORMA: (With increasing frustration.) Ivan Hoo and Marcus von

Welby, clear the set!IVAN: I will clear the set as soon as Mr. Strongman arrives. I only take

my orders from the director.NORMA: Well, I’m the director now, pal, and I’m ordering you to clear

off.MARCUS: What happened to Mr. Strongman?NORMA: He’s suffering from work related stress anxiety.MAXINE: He’s scared to come to the set because he thinks he might

be next.IVAN: I’d better go be sure he’s comfortable. Do you think he’d like

some Perrier?MARCUS: Maybe he needs medical attention. Patients under stress

are twice as likely to choke on bones, you know. (eXIts rIGHt with IVAN.)

MAXINE: Everything look okay, Norma?NORMA: I’m the director now. Call me Miss Desmond.MAXINE: Fine. Everything look okay, Miss Desmond?NORMA: (Steps back and frames the café table in her fingers as if

sighting for a camera shot.) A little to the left. (MAXINe moves the table to stAGe LeFt.) No, my left. (MAXINe moves the table back to its original position.) Stop. Perfect. Now, where are my actors?

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DIMWIT: (eNters rIGHt dressed as a waiter, carrying a tray.) Sorry, I was practicing carrying the tray. (promptly drops the tray, then goes to pick it up.)

MAXINE: Nice work.MONSTER: (eNters rIGHt.) Leading lady still in makeup. (sits at

the table.)NORMA: (through megaphone.) Lacy Donahue, report to the set

immediately, or I’ll have the Perrier removed from your trailer. (LAcy immediately eNters rIGHt.)

DIMWIT: She’s good.NORMA: Okay, now remember, Mr. Dimwit is now playing the role of

the waiter.MONSTER: Me no understand. How can you be producer of movie

and also play big part like waiter?DIMWIT: The waiter isn’t a big part. He’s only got one line.MONSTER: Me always say, no small parts, only small actors.DIMWIT: Look, if Robert De Niro can produce and act, I can produce

and act.MONSTER: Me know Robert De Niro. Me work with Robert De Niro.

You no Robert De Niro.DIMWIT: I miss my yes-men. (eXIts rIGHt.)NORMA: Places for scene 21, people. This is the scene where

Blondie gets help from the famous Egyptologist.LACY: I’m not sure I can pronounce Egyptologist.MAXINE: You just did.LACY: Yes, but I’m pretty sure I’ll mispronounce it unless someone

puts the Perrier back in my trailer.IVAN: (sticks his head oN rIGHt.) I’ll take care of that for you, Miss

Donahue. Perrier and roses, coming right up.LACY: I’m allergic to roses.IVAN: Stinging nettles, then. They’re the national flower of

Vansyltrania. (Disappears.)NORMA: Can we please get on with it? We’re doing this in one

take, people, so get it right! (LAcy sits at the café table with MoNster.)

MAXINE: (claps the slate.) Scene 21, take one.NORMA: Action!LACY AS BLONDIE: Is it true that you are Angus MacPherson, the

great Egyptologist?

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MONSTER: You pronounce that word very well.LACY: It’s the Perrier.MONSTER AS ANGUS: Yes, me Angus MacPherson from Egypt.LACY AS BLONDIE: Isn’t MacPherson sort of an… unusual name

for an Egyptian?MONSTER AS ANGUS: Family half Egyptian, half Scottish.LACY AS BLONDIE: Which half are you?MONSTER AS ANGUS: Me half man, half scientific experiment.LACY: (Looks to NorMA.) That’s not supposed to be the line.NORMA: Just go with it. We’re still rolling.LACY AS BLONDIE: Well, Angus… may I call you Angus?MONSTER AS ANGUS: So long as you no call me late for dinner.LACY AS BLONDIE: (still a bit confused, but bearing with it.) Angus,

is it true that you are the world’s foremost expert on mummies?MONSTER AS ANGUS: Yes, me study mummies since me child

living with mummy.LACY AS BLONDIE: You lived with a mummy?MONSTER AS ANGUS: Of course. You no lived with your mummy?LACY AS BLONDIE: Well, Angus, I have this tiny little problem. You

see, apparently I look like the ancient Princess Doo Wa Diddy.MONSTER AS ANGUS: Princess Doo Wa Diddy very beautiful.LACY AS BLONDIE: Why, thank you.MONSTER AS ANGUS: Not look much like you.LACY AS BLONDIE: Right, well, anyway… the mummy seems to

think I look like this ancient princess, and he wants to take me back to the grave with him.

MONSTER AS ANGUS: That problem.LACY AS BLONDIE: Yes. And not only that, but the werewolf tore

off all the mummy’s… well, all his wrapping… so now we can’t recognize him.

MONSTER AS ANGUS: That problem, too.LACY AS BLONDIE: Yeah, Angus dear, I know it’s a problem.MONSTER AS ANGUS: At least you no have vampires in your room.LACY AS BLONDIE: As a matter of fact, I do have vampires in my

room. Two or three a night. But right now, I want to know what I should do about the mummy.

MONSTER AS ANGUS: Well, first problem solve easy. Mummy think you look like princess, so you wear disguise. (Hands her a pair of Groucho glasses with nose and mustache.)

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LACY: (to NorMA.) You don’t really expect me to wear these, do you? I’ve got my reputation to worry about.

MAXINE: From what I’ve heard, wearing those would improve her reputation.

NORMA: (Ignores LAcy’s objection.) We’re still rolling!LACY AS BLONDIE: (puts on the Groucho glasses.) So what do I do

about the second problem?MONSTER AS ANGUS: You mean vampires?LACY AS BLONDIE: No, the vampires are the third problem. I mean,

how am I going to recognize the mummy when he’s unwrapped?MONSTER AS ANGUS: Chances good mummy still have on some

wrapping.LACY AS BLONDIE: What makes you say that?MONSTER AS ANGUS: Werewolf no have opposable thumbs. Make

it hard to unwrap mummy.LACY AS BLONDIE: So you think I should look out for someone

who’s not quite unwrapped?MONSTER AS ANGUS: That what me think.LACY AS BLONDIE: And what should I do if I see him? (DIMWIt

eNters rIGHt with napkins.)MONSTER AS ANGUS: Good idea to run away screaming.DIMWIT AS WAITER: Your napkin, madam.LACY AS BLONDIE: (takes the napkin from him and starts to pull,

as she does, a long strip of cloth comes out of his sleeve.) This certainly is a large napkin.

MONSTER AS ANGUS: That no napkin. That mummy wrapping. Good time to run away screaming. (LAcy runs oFF rIGHt screaming. MoNster addresses DIMWIt.) Check, please.

NORMA: Cut and print. Beautiful, folks. Very nice work. Take five, everybody. (DIMWIt and MoNster shake hands, then eXIt LeFt, taking café table with them. MAXINe crosses to take the café chairs oFFstAGe.) And you see, Maxine, nobody got murdered. (MAXINe eXIts LeFt with chairs.)

INSPECTOR: (eNters LeFt.) Did someone say murder?NORMA: Sorry, Chief Inspector, but there’s been no murder this time.INSPECTOR: (to AuDIeNce.) You see, “Chief Inspector,” it’s not so

hard to remember.NORMA: While I am in charge, no one will be murdered on my set.INSPECTOR: I’m afraid, madam, that I am not so quick to believe you

after what has been happening on your little film.

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NORMA: But I’m telling you there hasn’t been another murder.INSPECTOR: You’re sure?NORMA: Quite sure.SHAKESPEARE: (Screams from OFF RIGHT.) Murder!INSPECTOR: Ah, you see, you are wrong, madam. (EEGOR and DR.

FRANKENSTEIN rush ON RIGHT.)NORMA: I just said no one would be murdered on my set.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m afraid Miss Donahue has been murdered.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC.)EEGOR: It’s horrible! One moment she was sipping her Perrier and

chatting with the producer in her trailer…NORMA: She has a trailer?EEGOR: No, but she doesn’t know that. Anyway, the next moment

she was on the floor… dead!DR. FRANKENSTEIN: And the next moment, there was dramatic

music playing like this. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS again.)INSPECTOR: Aha! Dramatic music. It must be another murder.EEGOR: I suppose she might have just fainted.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Or decided very suddenly to take a nap.INSPECTOR: Nonsense. I’ve been a police inspector for over a week

now, and if there is one thing I’ve learned in all that time, it’s that dramatic music equals murder. (More DRAMATIC MUSIC.) I think I’ll get out of here while I’m still alive. (Rushes OFF LEFT.)

MARCUS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Fear not, everyone. I have arrived.NORMA: Who sent for you?MARCUS: David O. Dimwit called me. He told me that Lacy Donahue

needs her distemper shot.EEGOR: I’m afraid it’s a bit late for a distemper shot.MARCUS: Why? Did she bite somebody? I have to say, I’m not

surprised, judging from the way she’s been acting.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: She didn’t bite anybody.MARCUS: Well, that’s good.NORMA: She died.MARCUS: Oh. That’s not so good.EEGOR: It was horrible. We found her in her trailer in a pool of

Perrier.NORMA: Do you think you could examine the body for us?MARCUS: As long as she’s had her rabies shots, I don’t see why not.

But where is Inspector Idiot?

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INSPECTOR’S VOICE: (From oFF LeFt.) I am Chief Inspector Idiot, and I am avoiding the dramatic music. (DrAMAtIc MusIc pLAys again.)

MARCUS: Oh, I see what you mean. You’d better take me to the body before that music hurts somebody.

NORMA: Right this way. (eXIts rIGHt with eeGor and Dr. FrANKeNsteIN, followed by MArcus.)

End of Scene Two

ACT TWO, Scene ThreeLIGHTS UP: On the Streets of Vansyltrania. GOBBLER ENTERS RIGHT with her microphone.GOBBLER: (In a slightly more serious tone than usual.) Good

evening, America, this is Hedda Gobbler, talking turkey. The whole world has turned its attention to the tiny country of Vansyltrania where David O. Dimwit’s eagerly awaited new masterpiece will wrap filming tomorrow… that is, if enough of the cast survives to film the final scene. Tensions are running high here in the quiet streets of Vansyltrania. Let’s talk to the man in the street about the murders that have shaken this peaceful country. (erNst eNters LeFt.) Excuse me, sir?

ERNST: Yes?GOBBLER: What is your reaction to the recent events here in your

country?ERNST: My reaction? Well, I liked the cheese tasting competition very

much, although the Gorgonzola was not so good as last year.GOBBLER: I meant the terrible events that have shaken this nation

to its core.ERNST: Oh, you mean when Rudolph’s goats got loose and ate all

the flowers on the town square? Well, it wasn’t really his fault, you know. It was Ivan who didn’t install the gate properly.

GOBBLER: Ivan who?ERNST: That’s right. Since we have no tourists, he also works for the

Fence Authority.GOBBLER: What I’m trying to ask you is what you think of the

murders on the set of the movie filming in Vansyltrania.ERNST: Oh, I did not know about that. Well, I don’t think the goats

would murder anybody. They just like the taste of the flowers.GOBBLER: Well, there you have it, America. This peaceful country,

where inhabitants just like the flowers, shattered by murder and

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a scandal as big as any back home in Hollywood. This is Hedda Gobbler, talking turkey. (erNst eXIts rIGHt as DIMWIt eNters rIGHt.)

DIMWIT: Ah, Miss Gobbler, just the person I was looking for.GOBBLER: Sorry, Mr. Dimwit, but you’ve already given me 17

exclusive interviews. I don’t think I can stand one more.DIMWIT: Oh, I don’t want you to interview me, Miss Gobbler, I want

to give you a job.GOBBLER: A job? I have a job. I report on all the most famous and

glamorous movie stars.DIMWIT: You mean like Humphrey Bogart?GOBBLER: Well, no. Not him.DIMWIT: Jimmy Stewart?GOBBLER: He’s on hiatus, I think.DIMWIT: Claudette Colbert? Bette Davis? Vivien Leigh? Katherine

Hepburn?GOBBLER: What is your point, Mr. Dimwit?DIMWIT: My point? I’ll tell you what my point is. My point is that you’re

stuck here in Vansyltrania reporting on the pathetic careers of people like Lacy Donahue and Billy Bob Walton.

GOBBLER: May they rest in peace.DIMWIT: Yeah, whatever. But I can change all that. I can take you out

from behind the camera and make you a star. Hedda, how would you like to be in my movie?

GOBBLER: Oh, Mr. Dimwit. Why, whatever would make you want to turn me into a movie star?

DIMWIT: Well, the fact that my leading lady is dead and that there are few other women in Vansyltrania who speak English have something to do with it… but mostly it was your stunning beauty and radiant personality.

GOBBLER: You won’t regret this, Mr. Dimwit.DIMWIT: (Hands a script to GoBBLer.) You’ll be playing the role of

Blondie, the cosmic twin of the beautiful Princess Doo Wa Diddy.GOBBLER: Will I get Perrier and everything?DIMWIT: Don’t push your luck.GOBBLER: (Looks at her script.) And who plays the mummy of the

great king Ramalama Dingdong?DIMWIT: Only the most handsome and charming man in all of

Hollywood.GOBBLER: You mean Cary Grant?

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DIMWIT: No. I mean me! (eXIts LeFt with GoBBLer.)End of Scene Three

ACT TWO, Scene FourIVAN and MARCUS ENTER RIGHT.IVAN: This is tragic. I can’t believe Lacy Donahue has passed on. And

to think that I just ordered her twelve dozen stinging nettles.MARCUS: Gross.IVAN: That’s what I said, twelve dozen.MARCUS: So what will become of the Lacy Donahue fan club?IVAN: I’ll have to send notices to all the members and refund their

dues.MARCUS: That sounds like a pain.IVAN: Well, since I’m the only member, it won’t take too long.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: (eNters rIGHt with eeGor.) Ivan!

We’ve been looking for you everywhere. Have you heard? It’s a success!

EEGOR: I’ve never seen anything like it.IVAN: What’s a success?DR. FRANKENSTEIN: That’s right, VAT is a success.MARCUS: What?EEGOR: Yes, VAT—the Vansyltranian Authority for Tourism.MARCUS: But I thought you said there were no tourists in

Vansyltrania.IVAN: Not a single one in all the years I’ve been tourist director.MARCUS: Well, at least you’re consistent.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: But Ivan, what we’re trying to tell you is that

tourists are pouring into Vansyltrania.IVAN: They are?EEGOR: Apparently they’ve all heard about the murders, and they’re

coming because they’re curious.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: They’re coming because they’re morbid, but

who cares, they’re coming.EEGOR: There’s hope for the Vansyltranian economy at last.MONSTER: (eNters LeFt.) Master. Me go to café to get chocolate

croissant for breakfast like everyday, and me no can get croissant. Croissants all gone and café crawling with tourists.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes, isn’t it wonderful?MONSTER: Not if you want croissant, it isn’t.

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EEGOR: The hotels are booked solid for the next full moon.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: And the vampires are all working overtime.MARCUS: What you need now is a motto.MONSTER: A motto?MARCUS: Yes, every great tourist destination has a motto. New York

is the Big Apple, Paris is the City of Lights.EEGOR: Los Angeles is Smog Capital of the Earthquake Zone.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: How about Vansyltrania—Our Vampires

Aren’t All That Bad.MONSTER: I have better one. Vansyltrania—Visit Before You Die.IVAN: That’s close, but it’s not quite right.MONSTER: Me think it sound good.IVAN: I’ve got it: Vansyltrania—Visit and You Might Die. (Dr.

FrANKeNsteIN, eeGor and MArcus eXIt rIGHt.) Perfect! (BLAcKout.)

End of Scene Four

ACT TWO, Scene FiveLIGHTS UP: On the graveyard. The sarcophagus is UP LEFT. EEGOR, DICKENS and SHAKESPEARE ENTER RIGHT. DICKENS carries papers and the megaphone.EEGOR: What do you mean, I have to direct? I’m a mad scientist’s

assistant. I don’t know anything about movie directing.DICKENS: Look, Strongman has had a nervous breakdown, Norma

Desmond has been put on bed rest by Marcus von Welby the veterinarian, Maxine the assistant director has placed herself in Inspector Idiot’s protective custody—there’s nobody left.

EEGOR: But I’m in the film. How can I direct and be in the film?DICKENS: If Laurence Olivier and Orson Welles can do it, so can you.EEGOR: Okay, if you really want me to, I guess I will.DICKENS: Excellent.SHAKESPEARE: Mel Gibson did it.DICKENS: Yeah, we’re past that part of the conversation,

Shakespeare.SHAKESPEARE: And Kevin Costner.EEGOR: I don’t know, then. I don’t want my career to end up like

Kevin Costner’s.DICKENS: Look, don’t pay any attention to her. Think Hamlet, think

Citizen Kane. This is your moment.

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EEGOR: My moment.DICKENS: Right. Here are the new pages. (Hands him the papers.)

We’ll see you at the premiere.EEGOR: But where are you going?SHAKESPEARE: We’re getting out of here while we’re still alive.

(DIcKeNs hands eeGor the megaphone, and she and sHAKespeAre eXIt LeFt.)

EEGOR: (picks up the megaphone and looks at it. tentatively holds it to his mouth.) Testing… testing… is this thing working? (clears his throat.) Attention, all actors… that is… attention, all actors who are still alive. Please report to the set for the final scene! (Amid general hubbub, JAcK, JAMes and the MoNster eNter LeFt and rIGHt.) Wow, this really works. Where’s Dr. Frankenstein?

MONSTER: Packing for mad scientists’ convention in Miami Beach.JAMES: The tree doesn’t have any lines in this scene anyway.EEGOR: Props! We need the Lacy Donahue stand-in, please.DIMWIT: (ENTERS LEFT with an effigy of LACY made of stuffed

clothes but with no head. In his other hand, he carries a blonde wig.) Sorry. I had a hard time getting the head right.

EEGOR: But there is no head.DIMWIT: So you see the problem.JAMES: Other than that, it looks just like her.EEGOR: Okay, let’s take our places, everybody! Now, this scene

is in the graveyard at midnight. North Dakota Smith is about to reveal his final desperate plan to recapture the mummy of King Ramalama Dingdong. So make it creepy! (LIGHts cHANGe and DIMWIT hands the Lacy “doll” to JACK, then EXITS LEFT.) Do we need that clappy thing?

JAMES: Just say “action” and let’s get on with it.EEGOR: Right, action! (underscoring MusIc begins.)JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: I guess you’re wondering why I’ve

called you out here at midnight under the full moon.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Wasn’t the moon full last night?JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Fine, I guess you’re wondering why I

called you out here at midnight under the waning moon.MONSTER AS ANGUS: Me assume you need expert on

Egyptology.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: And I assumed you needed a

brilliant scientific mind such as my own. A mind that reached into the void and brought forth life and also invented gummy worms.

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JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Actually I just need two people to hold this mannequin while I hide in the shadows.

MONSTER AS ANGUS: This look like famous Egyptian princess Doo Wa Diddy.

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: That’s the idea. We hold up the princess under the moonlight, the mummy sees her, comes after her…

MONSTER AS ANGUS: And place curse on us. No, thank you. (throws the doll at Jack.)

JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: He has a point, my good man. This seems a risky endeavor.

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: You have a better idea?MONSTER AS ANGUS: (points to the sarcophagus.) Put doll in box.

Mummy follow her. We close top.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I was going to suggest a highly

sophisticated mechanism that uses the power of lightning to rob the mummy of his strength, but his idea sounds good as well.

MONSTER AS ANGUS: (points at the moon.) Also, clear night. No lightning.

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Good point. Right, help me get her into the sarcophagus. (During the following exchange, JAcK, with help from JAMES and the MONSTER, places the effigy in the sarcophagus and closes the top.)

JAMES: You don’t think the mummy will have trouble recognizing her without a head?

MONSTER: Mummy still have head.JAMES: No, I mean the doll doesn’t have a head.MONSTER: No worry. Doll dressed just like average ancient Egyptian

princess on Saturday night.JACK: There. She’s hidden in the sarcophagus.MONSTER AS ANGUS: No good. Mummy no see her with top shut.JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: He is a clever chap. Come on, lets

get this back open. (As they are opening the sarcophagus, they hear groaning sounds from oFF LeFt).

JACK AS NORTH DAKOTA: Hurry, he’s coming. Come on, hide behind these trees.

JAMES AS DR. FRANKENSTEIN: We’re missing a tree.MONSTER AS ANGUS: Blame cheap airfares to Miami Beach.

(MoNster and JAcK hide behind the tree. JAcK hands a branch to JAMes, who holds it in front of himself. DIMWIt, draped in strips of mummy wrapping, eNters LeFt walking arm in arm

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with GoBBLer, who has changed her costume and now plays the role of Blondie. He is making mummy groaning noises.)

GOBBLER AS BLONDIE: Oh, Ramalama, you’re so droll. I just don’t know where you come up with all those delightful stories.

DIMWIT AS MUMMY: Well, Blondie my sweet, lying in a sarcophagus for three thousand years gives you time to think.

GOBBLER AS BLONDIE: And you’re sure you don’t just like me for my looks? After all, I do look just like your ancient Egyptian princess.

DIMWIT AS MUMMY: You should have listened to Angus MacPherson, the Egyptologist. You don’t look like Doo Wa Diddy. You don’t even walk sideways.

GOBBLER AS BLONDIE: But North Dakota Smith said I was practically her twin.

DIMWIT AS MUMMY: You’re going to trust an archeology professor who’s afraid of snakes?

GOBBLER AS BLONDIE: Well, if I don’t look like an ancient Egyptian, why are you being so nice to me? I thought the only thing you thought about was Doo Wa Diddy.

DIMWIT AS MUMMY: Oh, I’m tired of chasing after Doo Wa Diddy. She’s such a princess, anyway. I’m ready to settle down with a nice career girl like you, Blondie.

GOBBLER: Why, Ramalama, was that a proposal?EEGOR: Cut, cut, cut. Where is this dialogue coming from? I don’t

have this in my script.DIMWIT: You didn’t get the final rewrites?EEGOR: Sure, I got them. Shakespeare and Dickens gave them to

me. North Dakota Smith traps the mummy in the sarcophagus, Dr. Frankenstein reverses the curse that woke him and King Ramalama Dingdong goes back to sleep.

DIMWIT: I didn’t like that ending. I thought it would be nice if Ramalama found a nice modern girl and settled down.

EEGOR: Settle down? How can there be a sequel if he settles down?

DIMWIT: Look, who knows more about movie producing, you or me?

JAMES: I’d say that question is very much open to debate.JACK: Yeah, with Eegor in charge, we all got Perrier in our trailers.DIMWIT: Maybe you didn’t understand me. I’m the one who writes

your paychecks, and I say the mummy settles down!

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EEGOR: Sorry, sir. If you say he settles down, I guess he settles down. (picks up the megaphone.) Okay, let’s pick up where we left off, please. And action.

DIMWIT AS MUMMY: So, Blondie, what do you say—a nice little home in the Hollywood hills, you go to work, and I’ll be a stay-at-home mummy.

GOBBLER AS BLONDIE: Sounds divine. (souND oF cHurcH BeLLs cHIMING.) Oh, listen, Ramalama. The church bells are ringing. I once heard that every time a bell rings, a mummy gets unwrapped.

DIMWIT AS MUMMY: That’s right, Blondie, that’s right.EEGOR: And cut! That’s a wrap, everybody. Nice work. (JAMes,

JAcK and MoNster eMerGe from hiding and step forward.)JACK: Well, I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m glad I made it

through this film alive.JAMES: Me, too.MONSTER: Me, three. (He, JAcK and JAMes all let out a sigh of

relief. After a short pause, they keel over in unison.)DIMWIT: Three more murders!EEGOR: Well, at least the film was wrapped.INSPECTOR: (eNters LeFt.) Ladies and gentlemen, I am not a

bit surprised that these innocent actors have been murdered, but I am now prepared to solve the crime. Assemble your cast and crew.

DIMWIT: Most of the cast is dead.EEGOR: And most of the crew left town.MARCUS: (rushes IN rIGHt.) I found them, I found them.GOBBLER: You found what?MARCUS: The missing bodies. There were in the refrigerator at the

sheep museum.DIMWIT: Why is there a refrigerator at the sheep museum?MARCUS: So how else should we keep the sheep fresh?INSPECTOR: Bring the missing bodies here. I shall require them

for a little demonstration. (MArcus eXIts rIGHt.) And in the meantime, assemble anyone you can find, for I shall now announce the identity of the murderer, and I must have an audience for this part.

EEGOR: (through the megaphone.) Okay, everybody on set, please. Bring on the bodies, please. Come, everyone, let’s go, let’s go. (eNtIre cAst [except for erNst, yes-MeN and pAtroNs]

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eNters, some bringing the bodies of the previous victims, which they lay next to the bodies already on stage. At the same time GoBBLer eXIts to change back to her original costume.)

STRONGMAN: Vat is zees all about? I vas enjoying my nervous breakdown. Did you know zat Vansyltranian Health Care vill give you all zee hot chocolate you can drink?

MAXINE: I don’t see why we all have to drag ourselves out here just so Inspector Idiot can pretend to be Hercule Poirot.

INSPECTOR: I am not Hercule Poirot! Hercule Poirot was Belgian and I am Vansyltranian.

NORMA: Yeah, and Hercule Poirot wasn’t an idiot.INSPECTOR: Now, is everyone here?DIMWIT: Everyone we could find, dead or alive.INSPECTOR: Good, then I am pleased to announce that I know who

dunnit!IVAN: I did not! I am not responsible.STRONGMAN: You are not responsible for vat?IVAN: No, I am responsible for VAT. I’m just not the killer.DICKENS: Who is the killer?IVAN: No, I’m not.STRONGMAN: You’re not vat?IVAN: No, I am VAT!DIMWIT: You’re an idiot.INSPECTOR: No, I’m an Idiot.DICKENS: Well, at least there’s something we can all agree on.INSPECTOR: (takes a piece of paper from his pocket.) Ladies and

gentlemen, I can now tell you that the murder was committed by Professor Plum in the conservatory with a lead pipe.

MAXINE: But there is no conservatory.NORMA: And Professor Plum wasn’t in this movie.INSPECTOR: Oh, I beg your pardon, that was the solution to a

different crime.DIMWIT: So what’s the solution to this crime? We’re waiting.STRONGMAN: Yes, I have a pot of hot chocolate getting cold. And

cold chocolate just isn’t zee same as hot chocolate.INSPECTOR: Patience, please, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I myself

have made a careful postmortem examination of the victims, and I discovered that they all had one thing in common.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: What’s that?

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INSPECTOR: They were all brething.STRONGMAN: Brething?SHAKESPEARE: What’s brething?INSPECTOR: You know, brething. With the air and the in and the out

and the Hoo and the Ah. (Makes exaggerated breathing noises.)EEGOR: They were all breathing?INSPECTOR: That is what I have been saying all along, you fool.STRONGMAN: But if zey vere all breathing, doesn’t zat mean zey’re

all alive?INSPECTOR: Precisely. So, the solution to the murders is that there

have been no murders.DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Nor much medical expertise, by the looks of

it.IVAN: But if no one was murdered, where did all these dead bodies

come from?MARCUS: From the sheep museum, I told you.DIMWIT: Friends, since our esteemed inspector—INSPECTOR: Chief Inspector!DIMWIT: My apologies. Since our esteemed Chief Inspector cannot

enlighten you as to the strange happenings on the set, perhaps I can. As you know, we came to Vansyltrania with a tiny budget and little hope that anyone back in America would ever go to see the movie we planned to make. We leave at the center of an international media blitz and take with us the most highly anticipated movie of the year. Why? Because our actors kept dropping dead. It was, in fact, the most effective—and cheapest—publicity campaign my office has ever run.

STRONGMAN: But zee inspector said zey veren’t dead.DIMWIT: Of course they’re not dead. I wouldn’t murder my own

actors. I’m an executive in the entertainment industry. What other group has such a high moral code?

MAXINE: But if they’re not dead, then what…DIMWIT: Observe. (Snaps his fingers and the six “dead” Actors

sit up and rub their eyes as if after a pleasant nap. A gasp goes up from the crowd.) Few people know that in addition to being a famous movie producer, I also happen to be an expert hypnotist.

IVAN: Brilliant. You had me fooled.INSPECTOR: I knew all along.DIMWIT: For instance, if I wanted to, I would only have to snap

my fingers once… (Snaps his fingers and the eNtIre cAst

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immediately goes limp, though they remain standing.) …and you would all go into a deep trance. A trance so deep that you could safely be stored in a refrigerator for up to four days and still stay fresh. If I snapped my fingers again… (Snaps his fingers again, and the eNtIre cAst begins to act like chickens.) …you would all believe that you were chickens. Of course, I would never do such a thing. (turns to see the mayhem behind him.) Oh, dear. (Snaps his fingers again, and all is returned to normal.) So, friends, I invite all of you to join me on a private plane for our triumphant return to Hollywood and the world premiere of “Thriller”! (cheers. BLAcKout.)

End of Scene Five

ACT TWO, Scene SixLIGHTS UP: At the premiere back in Hollywood. As this scene progresses, CAST MEMBERS “arrive” ONSTAGE as if for the premiere.GOBBLER: (With her microphone.) It’s a star-studded night here

in Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen, for the premiere of the much anticipated film, “Thriller.” And here comes David O. Dimwit, producer of the film. (DIMWIt eNters.) Mr. Dimwit, America is waiting to hear why you hypnotized all those people in Vansyltrania.

DIMWIT: Hedda, since I was a young boy I’ve lived by one motto. Publicity, always publicity.

GOBBLER: And tell us, Mr. Dimwit, millions of people around the world want to know, did your publicity stunt work?

DIMWIT: Well, Hedda, those millions will just have to go see my movie if they want the answer to that question.

GOBBLER: I’m sure they will, David, I’m sure they will. And now, ladies and gentlemen, here at Grumman’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, we present the cast and crew of the movie “Thriller”! This is Hedda Gobbler, talking turkey. And now I’m going to the movies. Good night, America! (the eNtIre cAst is now oNstAGe, and they take their curtain call as MusIc sWeLLs in the background.)

END OF PLAY

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESONSTAGE: Old lighting cables and instruments, flats with their backs

to the AUDIENCE, a couple of director’s chairsONSTAGE, PROLOGUE: Movie screen (optional)BROUGHT ON, PROLOGUE:

Old-fashioned hand-held radio microphone (GOBBLER)ACT ONE

ONSTAGE, Scene One: Desk with telephone on it, three chairsBROUGHT ON, Scene One:

Newspaper (DIMWIT)Script (DICKENS)

ONSTAGE, Scene Two: Two directors chairsBROUGHT ON, Scene Two:

8½ x 11” cards reading 370, 371, 372, 373 (ELLIOT, JACK, JAMES, BILLY BOB)

Riding crop (STRONGMAN)Clipboard, five sets of actors’ sides [half-sheets of paper with lines

typed on] (MAXINE)BROUGHT ON, Scene Three:

Microphone (GOBBLER)Clipboards (MAXINE, NORMA)

ONSTAGE, Scene Four: Café table, three chairsBROUGHT ON, Scene Four:

Newspapers (DR. FRANKENSTEIN, MONSTER, EEGOR)Clipboard (MAXINE)

ONSTAGE, Scene Five: Graveyard set or backdropBROUGHT ON, Scene Five:

Book (DIMWIT)ONSTAGE, Scene Six: Graveyard set, sarcophagus unit, optional

flats behind it painted like stonework with Egyptian hieroglyphsBROUGHT ON, Scene Six:

Movie slate (NORMA)Magnifying glass (INSPECTOR)Microphone (GOBBLER)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Seven:Script, pen (DICKENS)

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ONSTAGE, Scene Eight: Graveyard set with treesBROUGHT ON, Scene Eight:

Cut-out tree (DR. FRANKENSTEIN)Papers, script (NORMA)Disheveled blonde wig (MONSTER)Werewolf mask, strips of cloth (BILLY BOB)Steno pad (INSPECTOR)

ACT TWOBROUGHT ON, Scene One:

Microphone (GOBBLER)Pages (SHAKESPEARE)Photograph of monster (DICKENS)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Two:Café table, two chairs [if not already ON] (IVAN, MARCUS)Megaphone (NORMA)Tray, two cloth napkins, one with long strip of mummy cloth sewn

on, (DIMWIT)Movie slate (MAXINE)Groucho glasses with nose and mustache (MONSTER)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Three:Microphone (GOBBLER)Script (DIMWIT)

ONSTAGE, Scene Five: graveyard set, sarcophagus unit, tree branch [small enough to hold; can use a fake plant]

BROUGHT ON, Scene Five:Papers, megaphone (DICKENS)Effigy of Lacy Donahue w/ no head, blonde wig [can be the same

the Monster used] (DIMWIT)Piece of paper (INSPECTOR)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Six:Microphone (GOBBLER)

SOUND EFFECTSUnderscoring (background) music, dramatic music, church bells chiming.

COSTUMESDAVID O. DIMWIT: Old-fashioned three-piece suit with shirt and tie;

round glasses, wristwatch. Think David O. Selznick or Louis B. Mayer. In ACT TWO, Scene Five he is draped in strips of mummy wrapping.

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HEDDA GOBBLER: Fancy colorful dress of the 1930s with matching outrageous hat. She may wear a different dress in the Vansyltrania scenes.

YES-MEN: Dark business suits.DANIELLE DICKENS and SARAH SHAKESPEARE: Smart 1930s

skirts with blouses and jackets. Think the Andrews Sisters.MAXINE and NORMA: Slacks and shirts with plaid vests and caps.OTTO VON STRONGMAN: Riding boots, jodhpurs, matching shirt.JACK QUINCY: Brown leather bomber jacket, blue jeans, boots, work

shirt, wristwatch.LACY DONOHUE: Flouncy dress of the 1930s.BILLY BOB: Denim overalls, flannel shirt, work boots.JAMES HUNTINGTON: dress shoes, fine slacks, shirt, tie and blazer.

A cape in ACT ONE, Scene Eight.ELLIOT: Slacks and a dress shirt with no tie. Later he wears a full

mummy costume with mask.MONSTER: Ragged black pants and torn black t-shirt, huge black

boots, too-small black sports coat with torn sleeves, green face makeup.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Dark slacks and lab coat. Black rimmed glasses.

EEGOR: Boots, black pants, shredded shirt, hump back.MARCUS VON WELBY: Medical scrubs.IVAN: Lederhosen and solid color shirt, cap with feather.INSPECTOR IDIOT: French policeman’s outfit (gendarme).ERNST: Similar to IVAN.ALL ACTORS may wear fancy coats and hats for the movie premiere

in ACT TWO, Scene Six.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGMost of the characters could be played by either a male or female actor with simply a change of name and a few pronouns. The major exceptions to this are: DR. FRANKENSTEIN (F), LACY DONOHUE (F), and JACK QUINCY (M). The easiest to change would be MAXINE, NORMA, DICKENS, SHAKESPEARE (F to M), and INSPECTOR IDIOT, IVAN, EEGOR, ERNST, BILLY BOB, ELLIOT (M to F).ELLIOT or BILLY BOB can double as ERNST. The YES-MEN and PATRONS #1-4 can double as any of the Vansyltrania locals.

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