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Ed Stone is Dead Episode 2: Clubbed to Death Script

ED Yup... Still dead. Still... … absolutely … no … feeling … whatsoever. Aaaah! Ouch! Is what I should be saying.

ED Come on, look on the bright side. Be positive. It's a talking point. 'Hi, I'm Ed, I'm dead, what do you do? Oh, a civil engineer. Very impressive - but can you do this?'

ED I... see... dead... people... Hmm, there must something cool about being dead. Maybe I can relate to other dead things...

ED I feel your pain chicken brother... Yeah, stuffing would scare me too.

ADAM Ed... what are you doing?

ED Oh, hi Adam. Just checking - yeah, needs another few minutes in the oven.

ADAM Scotty... Why are we watching this?

SCOTTY Because it's colourful, it's ever-changing but somehow eternal; it's a bold use of text in a visual medium...

ADAM It's Ceefax.

SCOTTY I know. I love Ceefax.

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ADAM I want a word, Scotty.

SCOTTY You can have three: telly, back, on.

ADAM No, this is serious. Have you noticed anything odd about Ed recently?

SCOTTY Oh, good question let me think. No, I haven't, telly back on.

ADAM Come on, Scotty - he's doing weird things.

SCOTTY Such as?

ADAM He quit his job.

SCOTTY He worked in tele-marketing, Adam. That's not quitting a job, that's saying 'no thanks, no more torture for me please.'

ADAM Well, there's lots of other stuff. Like he's started cleaning.

SCOTTY Oh my god, call the weird police! Code three-eleven, man seen cleaning, shoot on sight.

ADAM And his bed's not been slept in again.

SCOTTY He probably just pulled last night, stayed somewhere else.

ADAM I think Ed's on drugs.

SCOTTY What?

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ADAM It fits.

SCOTTY Sorry, how, in what way, in any sense at all, does it 'fit' that Ed is on drugs?

ADAM Well all the weird stuff.

SCOTTY The weird stuff. Of course. Because hardened drug users are always breaking into my flat in the middle of the night to do a bit of cleaning.

ADAM Well this morning I caught him talking to a chicken.

SCOTTY We all need company at times.

ADAM The chicken was dead. Tell me that's not drugs.

SCOTTY That's not drugs.

ADAM Come on - cold turkey. That phrase has got to come from somewhere.

SCOTTY You said he was talking to a chicken.

ADAM It's all poultry. I'm going to search Ed's room for drugs. You'll warn me if he comes back won't you?

SCOTTY I might.

ADAM Come on - I don't want to incur the wrath of a drug-crazed psychopath.

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SCOTTY Yeah, you're right, he might clean you to within an inch of your life and then not sleep on you.

ADAM Please.

SCOTTY Alright, I'll give you a sign.

SCOTTY Adam, get out of Ed's room, he's back.

ED What?

ADAM Oh, hi Ed.

ED What were you doing in my room, Adam?

ADAM Oh... nothing. Looking for a sock.

ED Which?

ADAM Er... Looking for a sock which turned out to be nothing. Um... I've got to go now.

SCOTTY Hey amigo, how are you?

ED Alright. Bit bored, actually.

SCOTTY Do you want to watch a film? I've just got Voodoo Karate 2.

ED They got the money to make a second one?

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SCOTTY Ah, well no, that's where they were clever, they never made the first, they just went straight to the sequel.

ED No thanks. Think I'll go out.

ADAM Quick word before you go, Ed?

ED Sure.

ADAM Have a seat... If you can find somewhere to sit in all this mess.

ADAM (CONT'D) Now, the thing is, Ed... Are you alright, mate?

ED What? Yeah, I'm fine.

ADAM No, because we care you know.

ED What are you doing?

ADAM Why did you quit your job, Ed?

ED Number of reasons...

ADAM You can talk to me. Tell me anything, you know.

ED Yeah...

ADAM Oooh, what's that horrible smell? Where is it coming from?

ED Adam...

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ADAM It's... It's something down there... Maybe a dead mouse under the floor boards.

ED Adam - how deep is your room?

ADAM What?

ED How low is the floor here?

ADAM Well, it's sort of semi-basement... About seven feet. Why, do you think it might be damp?

ED Maybe...

ADAM What are you doing?

ED Um... I've always been scared of damp. Very bad for... My athlete's foot.

ADAM Right.

ED Open the door would you?

ED Thanks.

ADAM He is so on drugs.

NIGEL Fred!

ED It's Ed.

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NIGEL Ed! Go away! Busy!

ED I want a word.

NIGEL We'll have to walk and talk, on my way to an appointment.

ED You know you said I shouldn't go more than six feet underground?

NIGEL Or you'll start to decay. Yes...

ED Well, I didn't realise you were serious. My feet started to rot. It was almost very awkward with one of my flatmates.

NIGEL Why didn't you believe me?

ED Well, you just kind of threw it away... Oh, by the way, don't do that, don't do this, blah blah blah.

NIGEL Next time don't ask me important questions while Buffy's on. How should I have told you?

ED It might have made a difference if you'd... I don't know, done it in a scarier voice.

NIGEL Dear me no, it's such a terrible cliche. Tell you what, what if I did it like this.

(Somerset accent) Ooo-ar Ed, don't be going under six feet, it baint be good for you.

ED I'm serious.

NIGEL OK. How about...

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NIGEL Do not go deeper than six feet under the ground or your puny human matter will decay to nothing.

ED No, you're right, it is a cliche.

NIGEL Told you. Any other problems?

ED Well since you made me quit my job and I don't sleep any more, I've started to realise quite how dull my life is.

NIGEL So do something interesting. Fulfil a long-held ambition.

ED Yeah, well, I used to have several long-held ambitions. All between five foot six and five foot ten, a range of blondes and brunettes all with great legs and big breasts. But thanks to you, they're off the menu.

NIGEL Why? You don't have to sleep with them. Get to know them as people.

ED Yeah, right.

NIGEL Anything else?

ED Do I... Have any special powers now I'm dead?

NIGEL Yes, yes you do actually. Since dying you have developed the amazing ability...

ED Yes?

NIGEL To really, really annoy me. Right, this is me, go away Ted.

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ED Ed.

NIGEL Whatever.

NIGEL Three, two, one...

FALLING PERSON Oh, thank god! You saved me!

NIGEL Afraid not, old chap.

FALLING PERSON Ah. I see, so I'm...

NIGEL Dead, yes, I'm afraid so.

FALLING PERSON Oh. But there's so much I haven't done...

NIGEL Yeah, I know, the love thing, watching the children grow up, blah blah blah.

FALLING PERSON No, I haven't paid my gas bill this month.

NIGEL God the dead are annoying...

ADAM Kate...

KATE Adam.

ADAM People on drugs - their feet stink don't they?

KATE What?

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ADAM I've smelt them. Those people on the streets, drug addicts, they stink.

KATE They're homeless. They haven't got anywhere to wash.

ADAM Oh. So... drugs and smelly feet, no connection?

KATE Not that I'm aware of. Why would you think that?

ADAM No reason.

BETH Scotty's feet stink: do you think he's on drugs?

ALL Bad example.

ED I've decided, Scotty, now I've quit my job I'm going to fulfil a long-held ambition.

SCOTTY Oh wow, you've finally plucked up the courage to ask out Suzanne and her mother.

ED No. Although...

ED Suzanne...

SCOTTY Suzanne's mother...

ED Scotty, you have got to get your own fantasies.

SCOTTY I'm just borrowing it.

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ED Well don't, everything you borrow from me comes back soiled.

SCOTTY Not the calendar again. It was just a calendar.

ED Scotty, I'm going to do what we always wanted to do ever since we were kids.

SCOTTY If I remember rightly I always wanted to play computer games for a living and you wanted to be a ballerina.

ED You remember that do you?

SCOTTY Yes.

ED Have you told anyone else?

SCOTTY No.

ED Good. Don't. No, I'm talking about being a DJ.

SCOTTY DJ? What makes you think you can DJ?

ED Of course I can DJ. I'm young, I'm hip, I'm black...

SCOTTY ...and the last CD you bought was The Corrs.

ED I'm telling you, it's gonna be DJ Ed Stone on the wheels of steel, laying down some banging choons, let's kick flava one time!

SCOTTY You wanted to be a ballerina.

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ED Don't mock me, bro. Coz you're going to help me.

SCOTTY But I don't want to. I want my sofa.

ED And more beer, pizza and Voodoo Karate? What kind of existence is that? Don't you feel pointless and empty?

SCOTTY No, I feel happy and full.

ED Beth might be impressed...

SCOTTY You think so?

ED A guy... helping another guy to do... a thing. That's very attractive to a woman.

SCOTTY Really? Count me in. I'll just go and say goodbye to the sofa.

BETH Hey, Ed, hear you quit your job. Let me get you a cup of tea to celebrate.

BETH So, what are you going to do now?

ADAM Oh I should think Ed'll be alright, won't you, Ed? You know, it's no big deal. No big... deal. Eh? Deal. Yeah? Ed?

KATE Are you alright?

ADAM Er. No. Sorry. One too many refills at the coffee shop.

KATE So, what are you going to do, Ed? Hang out in the sitting room all day in World of Scotty?

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ED As a matter of fact, no, I'm going to be a DJ.

BETH Right. Forgive me for saying this Ed, but to be a DJ, don't you have to - how do I put this? - be able to DJ?

ADAM Er, Beth, you did boil the kettle properly, didn't you?

BETH Yeah-huh...

ADAM Right. Good.

ED I can DJ! It's in my bones! I grew up the Ghettoes of LA you know!

KATE Ed, how many times, LA is not a recognised abbreviation for Lambeth.

ED Get off my case, alright! I can DJ!

KATE Ed, that's not DJ-ing, that's just really bad drying-up.

ED I'm going to a few clubs tonight; get myself a couple of slots lined up.

BETH Hey, that sounds great. Let's all go.

KATE Yeah, we haven't had a night out clubbing in ages.

BETH Excellent! House outing. This is going to be wicked!

KATE So, Ed, what kind of DJ do you see yourself as? Judge Jules, Tall Paul, Dave Lee Travis?

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ED Well you know, I'm gonna be my own man. Mix up a bit of house, bit of garage -

KATE I hope you've applied for planning permission?

ED Funny.

ADAM Scotty! You're right! It's not drugs!

SCOTTY You see, I told you.

ADAM He's got a prosthetic hand!

SCOTTY Oh yeah, that fits. Seek help, Adam, seek help.

ADAM I'll prove it to you.

ED Adam? What the hell are you doing?

BETH & KATE Get off him, Adam!

ADAM Come off, damn you!

ADAM Okay. So it's not a prosthetic hand. Which means... He's a spy.

SCOTTY Oh God...

ADAM No, look, it makes perfect sense. He burnt his hand and didn't react because he's been trained by the KGB to be impervious to pain.

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SCOTTY What, in the same way you're impervious to reason?

ADAM And why else would he want a job in a club?

SCOTTY Shut up.

ADAM Ready access to drugs, that's why.

SCOTTY I thought you said he was a spy.

ADAM Er... It's the perfect place to meet his contacts. All the noise. Good cover. Just you wait. You'll see. You'll all see!

BETH Is this alright? You don't think it's a bit...

KATE Short, yeah.

BETH No, I was thinking a bit too long. I don't want to come across as some dowdy old spinster.

KATE You haven't quite grasped the subtle differences between American English and proper English. You've confused the phrase 'dowdy old spinster' with 'tart'.

BETH Do you want a slap?

KATE Who better to give me one than you, you slapper.

BETH Well done! Your bitching is really coming on.

KATE Thanks. You're a great coach.

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ED Come on, Beth, we're leaving now - go and put your skirt on.

BETH Oh, English humour. It's almost as sexy as the accent.

ED I didn't know you found the English accent sexy.

BETH I don't.

ADAM Hi guys. Sorry about earlier.

ED As long as you don't want to shake hands to make up.

ED Oh my god - there's been an explosion in the paint factory.

SCOTTY I couldn't decide whether to wear my red shirt, the green one, the yellow one, the blue one or the pink one, so in the end I just compromised.

BETH Why does he have to come with us?

ED Because Scotty is my manager.

KATE Your manager? I knew you weren't taking this DJ thing seriously.

ED Oh, I'm taking it very seriously. Tonight is going to be amazing - look out world: DJ Stone is going to tear it up!

ED I can't believe every club in London turned me down.

KATE Well, you shouldn't have warned the world you were coming. It heard you and it had time to duck.

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ED Some of them laughed in my face.

BETH All of them laughed in your face.

SCOTTY That one guy... I never thought I'd see a man laugh so much he had to go to hospital.

ED Could you actually not go on about it?

SCOTTY I could, but that wouldn't be anywhere near as much fun.

BETH Oh, those three guys all laughing at once.

SCOTTY Yeah, one with a high laugh, one really low, the other in the middle...laughing in harmony. It was almost as if they'd rehearsed.

ED Oh stop it.

ADAM It was quite hot in those clubs, wasn't it Ed?

ED Was it? Didn't really notice.

ADAM Oh, they've trained you well. Comrade.

BETH Well I had a good night. Got a few guys' numbers...

KATE Slowing down a little Beth?

BETH As if.

KATE Hang on - isn't that your mobile number Scotty?

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SCOTTY Might be...

SCOTTY Damn, true love foiled by a damp napkin.

ED I'll never be a DJ.

KATE You're not going to give up are you?

ED Well I thought I might.

KATE Come on - if other people won't let you do it, do it yourself.

SCOTTY That's my life in a nutshell.

KATE Run your own club.

BETH You could call it Club Bad.

ED Yeah. Great. Where can we do it?

KATE I've got the perfect place. It's friendly, great atmosphere, we're always welcome.

SCOTTY Little Chef?

KATE No. Here.

SCOTTY Oh, right. We can still go to Little Chef though, can't we?

KATE Yes.

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SCOTTY Lucky escape.

ED Hey, Curtis: how about it?

CURTIS No.

KATE There'll be loads of women and you can really overcharge everyone for drinks.

CURTIS Good point. Alright, you can do it here. And if you want some advice on how to set everything up, I'm your man. I used to run Studio 54.

SCOTTY Wow - isn't that where they keep that alien?

CURTIS No, that's Area 51. Although funnily enough I used to work there as well. I tell you something my friends: you haven't known the meaning of passion until you've experienced alien love.

ED Is next Friday good?

SCOTTY Hang on - I think you'll find that as manager that's my area of expertise. Is next Friday good?

CURTIS It's good for me if it's good for you.

ED Great. Friday it is.

ED Hey, our own club. What we always wanted. Like the summer of love all over again.

ADAM Have you guys ever been to Ibiza?

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ED Ever been to Ibiza? When we were younger it was like a second home. I remember one time we were up all night, mad, mad, mad - Big fish, little fish, big fish, little fish.

YOUNG ED Wow! Big fish!

YOUNG SCOTTY Oh. Little fish.

SCOTTY & ED Wicked.

KATE Nervous?

ED No. I'm going to kick serious hardcore rocking ass tonight.

ED Do you know Suzanne?

KATE No, no I don't.

SUZANNE This is Kate.

KATE Do you have a problem with that?

ED She's OK really. You have to get to know her. She's got hidden depths!

KATE They're not that hidden. Couple of drinks and she'll let anyone see them.

SUZANNE So that's 'Kate'.

ED Yeah, yeah, she's great, just gets a bit uptight sometimes.

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SUZANNE I've got something that could help her loosen up...

ED No! No drugs in my club.

SUZANNE Drugs? I mean this book on yoga.

ED Oh, right.

SUZANNE Yoga is.....let's just say; Ed I can scratch more itches in more different positions than I ever thought possible. Catch my meaning?

ED Yoga's really helped you with your eczema? Oh, oh! I get it. Nice. (BEAT). Glad you could come tonight, Suzanne. Sorry to hear about your mother by the way.

SUZANNE Yeah well, that sort of thing happens to silicone at altitude.

SCOTTY I feel my whole future career hangs on tonight. Can I get a glass of water Curtis?

CURTIS Sure.

KATE Nine o'clock - let's do it.

CURTIS Ladies and gentleman, club Bad...

CURTIS With two 'A's is now open.

KATE Well, obviously no-one was going to come exactly on time.

SCOTTY Not a good start. Can I get some more water, please Curtis?

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CURTIS Of course.

CURTIS That'll be four pounds fifty, please.

SCOTTY What?

CURTIS It's Club Night now isn't it? So we're charging Club prices.

ADAM Suzanne: is she one of your sleeper agents?

ED I wish.

ADAM Why did they recruit you, Ed?

ED I don't know... why did they recruit you Adam?

ADAM Why did who recruit me?

ED The little people who've clearly taken over your head and made you go slightly odd.

ADAM I see what you're doing. You're trying to discredit me. But I'm on to you. What does the 'B' stand for, Ed?

ED What 'B'?

ADAM In KGB... I've always wondered. And the 'K' and the 'G' for that matter.

ED How should I know? Adam - go and help Beth on the door. I've got to spin some discs.

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SUZANNE Is that the twelve inch version?

ED Er, yeah - but it's been remixed. It doesn't get them going like it used to.

ED Sorry about that... but let's keep it going out there.

SCOTTY This is not good. I need a drink. Rum and coke, please Curtis.

CURTIS Seven pounds, please.

SCOTTY Club prices?

CURTIS Club prices.

SCOTTY Perhaps I can live without that drink.

KATE It's early yet. Only ten-thirty. We'll give it another hour, and if no-one's here - then we'll panic.

KATE OK, that's an hour.

ED Kickin'...

SCOTTY I don't care how much it costs, I really need a drink now. Rum and coke, please.

CURTIS Certainly. That'll be eighteen pounds fifty, please.

SCOTTY What? It was only seven pounds an hour ago - and that was still a rip-off.

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CURTIS It's economics, isn't it? The less people we get in, the more money I have to make out of the existing customer base.

SCOTTY That's outrageous.

CURTIS No, it's supply and demand. You want me to supply you with a rum and coke, I demand you pay me eighteen pounds fifty. I learnt that when I was a visiting professor of economics at Harvard.

SCOTTY I've got two pounds seventy-eight... what'll that get me?

CURTIS Hmmm, let's see... I'd say about a tenth of a pint of lager.

SCOTTY I'll take it.

ED Hold up everybody - end of track approaching.

SUZANNE Wow. If you're that good at putting your needle into grooves, you're always welcome round my place.

ED Great...needle....groove.

NIGEL You don't have to sleep with them. Get to know them as people.

ED Okay. Okay. Yeah, I can do that. So Suzanne - tell me about your dreams, your thoughts, your aspirations...

SUZANNE Silly me...

ED This is going to be hard...

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BETH Sorry - no trainers.

MAN I'm not wearing trainers.

BETH I know, but those shoes are awful and I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

BETH You - right shoes, right shirt, wrong haircut. That just looks appalling, madam, and you sir, seem to be under the illusion that it's nineteen ninety eight. No, no, no, you have got to be joking but if so it isn't funny, that has to be the lamest top I've ever seen and if that's your own hair by god I hope you've kept the receipt.

KATE Beth: have you turned everyone away like that?

BETH This is an exclusive place. We've got to have standards.

KATE We've got to have customers! Inside, now! And you'd better put your apology hat on.

BETH Kate, apology hats are so last year...

KATE Where the hell is Ed?

CURTIS This dead?

SCOTTY Hey - I hadn't finished that. In fact, I hadn't even started it.

SUZANNE Come on, Ed. You get my pulse pounding.

SUZANNE Do I make you beat faster?

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ED No, let's chat. I want to know a bit more about you.

SUZANNE Everything you need to know about me's written on my body. In Braille. Braille you have to read with your tongue.

ED I'm not a big reader, actually. Come on, let's talk.

SUZANNE OK; what do you want to know?

ED Right, er....

ED Er.....what's...your favourite colour?

SUZANNE What's my favourite colour?

SUZANNE Blue. Yours?

ED Red.

SUZANNE This is a great conversation Ed.

ED No! It'll get better.

ED Have you ever seen Jurassic Park?

SUZANNE Ed: don't talk, don't think, just kiss me.

ED No, I really want to get to know you.

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SUZANNE Well Ed, the thing is, I don't really want to know you... Except biblically. If you don't want to do anything I'd better go. I'm due in court first thing in the morning.

ED God, what have you done?

SUZANNE A law degree. I'm a barrister.

ED What?

SUZANNE The whole bimbo thing's just a laugh. Look, we're two adults looking for some fun... or at least I thought we were. It's not that I don't like you Ed: you're cute, you're keen, you're always on for it. You're like a puppy who's found a viagra jar... Puppies are fun to play with but who wants to talk to one?

ED Woof?

SUZANNE You're sweet. But that's not enough for me to actually want to get involved with you. We could have kept it simple, Ed, we could have had a good time. But if you want more... I'm not your girl.

SUZANNE Bye Kate.

KATE Oh,bye.I wasn't listening! Good luck in court tomorrow! Damn.

ED Hey, Curtis, what's this? It was a total disaster last night.

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CURTIS But that's where you're wrong, my pessimistic young friend. Because no-one was allowed in, everyone thought this place must be extremely cool and very, very exclusive. I've had people coming in all day asking about it.

ED Wow, you mean Beth's fascist door policy has made this the trendiest club in London?

CURTIS That and a combination of my good looks and extraordinary charisma.

ED But that's brilliant. Next week my DJ career really kicks off.

CURTIS Why, where are you DJ-ing?

ED Well, here.

CURTIS Sorry, no chance. This is an exclusive club. We need people on the decks who are any good at all.

ED Meaning...

CURTIS You're fired.

ADAM Everyone - I've got an announcement. You know Ed's been acting oddly recently...

SCOTTY Oh no, here we go...

ADAM Well, I had a few thoughts, and they were mostly wrong, but I've got it now.

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KATE Got what?

ADAM An explanation. Ed is an android.

SCOTTY Adam: even in my bad video-film crazed head that is not a possibility.

KATE If you want to talk to someone, Adam, I know some good psychiatrists at the hospital.

BETH Are you on drugs or something?

ADAM No, you have to believe me...

ADAM OK... So maybe he's not an android. He could be an alien. Or maybe some kind of orc or demon...

Words Telly TV Poultry fjäderfä, höns Sequel fortsättning, uppföljare Decay här: multna, ruttna Banging choons hög musik Abbreviation förkortning Lambeth Lambeth walk är en dans som var popular på 30-talet Get off my case! Sluta tjata! Wicked här: cool, häftig Prosthetic hand handprotes Impervious ogenomtränglig Old spinster gammal ungmö Tart fnask Slapper slampa Bitching här: klaga, gnälla Braille punktskrift, blindskrift Barrister advokat Extraordinary något utöver det vanliga Android människoliknande robot

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