David!...! 1! David!! Design,(running,andinterpretation(ofsecondtest(! My#BigAssumption# Says:# So#I#will#(Change#my# Behavior#ThisWay)…# Andcollectthe followingdata

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David Design, running, and interpretation of second test

My Big Assumption Says:

So I will (Change my Behavior This Way)…

And collect the following data …

In Order to Find Out Whether …

I assume I always need to be managing the situation, affecting the situation in order to have it go the way I want it to. I assume I can’t just let things be or I will be anxious because I can’t manage it.

For the next two weeks... I will notice that I am getting distracted (especially during a 1:1 or more intimate 2 or 3 person conversation). I will turn on my self-‐awareness and start tracking my mental and physical behavior. (I will sense my physical pace, my facial expression, my physical responses like nodding, my pose/ posture.) I will pay attention to when I feel like am holding a “character” -‐-‐ the person I have felt like I need to be in that conversation. I will deliberately let go of those postures/ behavior. That allows me to feel more relaxed, physically and mentally. I will make a conscious choice to be really present with the person/people.

How am I feeling at each point along the way? When I get distracted, what might be causing that? What is my schedule like? Relaxed or rushed? Is there anyone to whom you’d like to give a “heads-‐up” or ask to serve as an observer who can give you feedback after the fact? Not sure.

What kinds of things seem to affect my insecurity, distraction, energy, ability to be present? How does the larger context (e.g., my schedule, what I still have to do in the day) affect these issues? When I have my agenda set (managed what I can), can I let the situation just unfold? When there are things I can’t control, can I let go of them and not worry? Just be present?

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Review your test on these criteria: Yes Not Sure

Is it safe? (If the worst case were to happen, you could live with the results). XX

Is the data relevant to your Big Assumption? (see question 2 above) X

Does it have face-‐validity? (The test actually tests your Big Assumption) X

Are the data sources valid? (No one is either out to get you or wants to protect or save you).

X

Might it “re-‐true” your Big Assumption? (Is it designed so that it surely will lead to bad consequences, just as your BA tells you? Are you setting yourself up to fail? Is there any data you could collect that could disconfirm your BA?)

X

Is it actionable in the near-‐term? (e.g., the people or situation you need in order to enact the test are available, you are reasonably certain you know how to do what you plan, and you can run the test within the next week or so).

x

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This test (with my wife) didn’t go the way I thought it would. I didn’t fully change my behavior the way I had planned, but when I couldn’t, I recognized that. And I decided to talk about what was happening so that I could learn why it was so hard for me in this situation. Even though it didn’t turn out the way I had planned, I still learned something very important.

Interpreting Your 2nd Test Results


I assume I always need to be managing the situation, affecting the situation in order to have it go the way I want it to. I assume I can’t just let things be or I will be anxious because I can’t manage it. I assume I must manage even if I am overtaxed by the energy required to manage it. This is also anxiety-‐provoking.

So in Order to Test it I Changed my Behavior This Way:

My wife and I were having a conversation, and she was telling me about a situation she was facing. She was giving me lots of information about the situation, and I was trying to respond to what she was saying. I was trying to address each thing she was saying, and that wasn’t really helpful to her. I was trying to be present, but it was really difficult because I felt like I couldn’t process everything she was saying, and that was really uncomfortable for me. This sort of thing has happened with us in the past, and the conversation would end with us both feeling frustrated, feeling that things hadn’t gone well but not sure why. During the conversation, I noticed this was happening again, and she did too. We started to talk about what we wanted to have happen in that conversations, what are our conversational styles. We haven’t had those types of conversations before.

This is What I Observed Happening:

During the conversation, I had an insight. I think I speak well but don’t listen well. When she was giving me lots of information, it felt overwhelming. Felt like wood was coming in and I needed to chop it up as it came in. I was trying to address each thing she was saying. It is difficult to stay present and try to track everything she is saying. Hard for me to stay with her without actively tracking the points and processing them. So then we talked about that, and she said that what she wanted me to do was just listen to everything she was saying and then figure out what to do with it. She wanted me to hear the whole

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thing first, not respond until she was done. She tends to give me A-‐Z when really all I need is J-‐M. When she gives A-‐Z, that causes anxiety for me. She feels like I am asking her to give me a board presentation, with all my clear bullet points. She is processing all her ideas externally. I would process them by myself and then talk about what I had concluded. It was really helpful for me to be able to communicate my experience of that conversation to her and to understand that what she wants in a conversation like that. And the feedback we gave each other was really helpful. We have two different styles of communication. Being able to hear the whole thing and take it all in and then respond is alien to me. That feels weird. But it also makes sense -‐-‐ it is why I cut people off, answer the wrong question. My fear is that I won’t remember all the components of what they are talking about. My fear that I won’t remember everything that is important happens to me in professional settings as well. If she needs to give me A-‐Z, I think I should just let her do it. Then maybe I’ll ask her for the J-‐M version. But I need to really listen to the A-‐Z version without worrying about how I’ll respond. Can I just be present with the emotion behind what she is saying? Just be listening for that? My conversation with her really helped me make sense with what I am learning about myself through this process. Now I feel clearer about my communication style and hers, and so we can have a conversation about that to work through those issues.

And This is What the data Tells me about my Big Assumption:

Now it is clear to me that I can make a decision about what I’m paying attention to and how I am listening. I’m aware that many of my fears and anxieties about needing to manage a conversation aren’t real threats. They are just distractions that work against me. I just need to stay conscious of when those fears and anxieties are distracting me and preventing me from being present. I can let go of them. I can decide, “I’m going to put that out of my mind and not doing anything about that now.” Before, it just automatically came into my head and was distracting me.

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First test results My Big Assumption Says:


So in Order to Test it I Changed my Behavior This Way:

I did seek out small group conversations and 1:1 conversations, and this was surprisingly easy to do.

This is What I Observed Happening:

I was able to have smaller group conversation. People were pretty spread out, so I could easily choose to join or leave a conversation. I made a conscious decision to locate myself on the outside edges of the gathering, so I could feel freer to move about. And it didn’t feel forced or anxiety-‐provoking. I didn’t feel like I was using lots of energy to keep conversations lively and interesting. There were people I definitely wanted to catch up with and because we were speaking 1:1, we could have a more in-‐depth conversation that didn’t just capture the headlines. Because it was a wedding, I didn’t find myself trying to grab attention, and maybe that’s why others didn’t really seem to expect me to either. It was Helena’s wedding, so we could easily focus on her.

And This is What the data Tells me about my Big Assumption:

(My visual of what it is was going to be was not what it was. I spend too much time and energy imagining how it is going to go.) None of the things I was concerned about ended up happening. Again, I see that I need to be less concerned with managing things than I think I do. Worrying/anxiety makes no sense. When I worry about how something is going to go, I tend to over-‐prepare for it. I want to have all the tools I need to avoid an awkward situation. But the preparing just makes me more anxious because I feel like I have to remember all those things. Now I have some data points that show me letting things flow work just fine. The worry/ anxiety/ preparation/ control does not make for a better outcome. I also notice that I tend to do everything very fast-‐paced. When I am physically hurrying, I start to mentally hurry too. I start getting

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ahead of myself in my thinking. I start focusing on what is coming next rather than what is happening right now. When I relax, I slow down. As soon as I physically slow down, I notice that I mentally slow down too. My physical reaction leads to that mental reaction. I feel much more fully present. I want to grow more comfortable with the pauses in conversations, with letting something settle in, take things at a slower pace. I want to be more mindful of that.

Post-‐test reflection After running this test, I am really curious to try a similar test in different types of situations. I know some situations are much more challenging to me than others. Some types of conversations and relationships are much more important to me than others. The more I can observe myself trying this test in different situations, the better I will understand what leads me to respond in the old ways when I try to take control and manage things more than I should.

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Design of the First Test of the Big Assumption


So I will (Change my Behavior This Way)…

And collect the following data …

In Order to Find Out Whether …


I will be clear with myself that my goal is to have interesting conversations, to enjoy myself, to be fully present. Although many people I run into there will probably expect me to try to command attention and tell stories, I be aware of what I want to have. I will seek out 1:1 conversations rather than joining a big group. I will focus on talking with one or two key individuals and spend my time engaged with them.

How do I respond to others? What am I thinking and feeling? (For example: What conversations do I enjoy? Do I enjoy the wedding? Are there times when I feel drawn into conversations that feel more like networking, performing? Do I get distracted from conversations I am enjoying?) q Is there anyone to whom you’d like to give a “heads-‐up” or ask to serve as an observer who can give you feedback after the fact? I will check in with my wife before and after the wedding. She often notices things about how I behave that help me reflect.

Do the 1:1 conversations come closer to the types of conversations and relationships that I value? Do I feel like I need to manage or control them? Do I feel anxious about needing to have an impact or make an impression? If I don’t, how do I feel about the conversation? If I reframe a situation to do things more on my terms, can I participate in a way that feels enjoyable to me?

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Review your test on these criteria: Yes Not Sure

Is it safe? (If the worst case were to happen, you could live with the results). Xx

Is the data relevant to your Big Assumption? (see question 2 above) X

Does it have face-‐validity? (The test actually tests your Big Assumption) X

Are the data sources valid? (No one is either out to get you or wants to protect or save you).

X

Might it “re-‐true” your Big Assumption? (Is it designed so that it surely will lead to bad consequences, just as your BA tells you? Are you setting yourself up to fail? Is there any data you could collect that could disconfirm your BA?)

X

Is it actionable in the near-‐term? (e.g., the people or situation you need in order to enact the test are available, you are reasonably certain you know how to do what you plan, and you can run the test within the next week or so).

x

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Biography David did a narrative approach to the Biography (rather than the headline approach featured in the Change Diary). BA: I need to always be in control, prepared, aware of everything or else I will be vulnerable. Feeling out of control or vulnerable is always bad. When I was in high school, I wasn’t really that focused. I was a B-‐/C student. But all of that changed when I went away to college. I didn’t really like being away from home and living in New Orleans. It was a big adjustment for me, and New Orleans seemed old and dirty. There was so much for me to adjust to. I had a roommate for the first time, which was a little stressful for me because I was an only child. I was also feeling the pressure to do well. I had plans to get to medical school, so I knew I had to focus on my work. The more I focused and the harder I worked the better I did. I got all As the first semester, and then I felt like I needed to keep that up. I felt pressured but I also enjoyed doing well and achieving. I liked having the reputation of someone who does well in school. I liked having clear path to be marching on toward my goals. My work kind of consumed me. I would get up early in the morning and just get right to work. I worked on the weekends. It is really clear to me now that focusing so tightly on doing well was a way to deal with my discomfort about being away from home. Keeping that focus and keeping everything in control meant I could feel less unsure of myself and my situation. I could feel less anxious. I wasn’t that happy in New Orleans, so I told myself, “In order to get quickly out of here and get to something better, I need to make a direct path to my goal. I need to get to the next thing in my life, to make the life I want to have happen.” So I can really see that my Big Assumption about the benefits of having and keeping control over everything probably started there. And then my career has kind of continued that way. I haven’t exactly followed a direct path – I made many course corrections along the way. But I have always been able to leverage what I have done to move to a next step, a next phase. Maybe because my career path hasn’t been so direct, I have kept this same approach of feeling that I should be super-‐focused, always running, always making good time. I think I felt some anxiety each time I switched gears, changed fields. I have felt like I need to make up time, prove myself, stay focused in order to succeed. I noticed that people who are successful tend to have been really focused in one domain. But I was doing a lot of zig-‐zagging. Making big leaps from one things to another. The more you do that, the more difficult it gets to make progress in moving ahead. You are always starting out without getting to the next levels. And so I feel like whenever I have switched fields, I have needed to stay very focused on catching up to the others who have been doing that thing for a long time.

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The problem is, I didn’t always lift my head up to see if what I was doing was really meaningful to me. I was too focused on achieving things – like salary, title, seniority. I feel like I have moved beyond that now. Those things are moderately interesting to me, but I’m so much more interested in other things in my life – my family, comfort and enjoyment in my own life. And I think all that has changed the way I approach relationships. I used to think about talking with people as “networking opportunities.” But that doesn’t interest me anymore. And now when I’m in a situation where the social interaction seems more like networking, I just don’t feel like there is much purpose for me in doing that. I don’t appreciate those situations as much, and I feel more uncomfortable, more forced. It feels like I am just faking it in some conversations. Now I am becoming very conscious of how I want to be communicating, and what kinds of conversations I am interested in. I want to be much more mindful of that so that my conversations are meaningful to me, and it doesn’t matter if others think I am impressive and effective. The more I can be mindful and in the present, the more I can let go to feeling like I need to control things and have them go my way, the more meaningful I think my conversations will be.

Reflection Question Your Response

In what ways does the biography (or biographic moment) explain your Big Assumption?

I can see that I learned to focus and keep everything in control was a way to help me feel less anxious, less unsure of myself and my situation.

Does your biography (or biographic moment) illuminate any additional Big Assumptions you might be making? Do you notice any definitive, i.e., this-‐ always-‐happens, quality?

That assumption made sense when I had different goals for myself – when it felt really important for me to be always working to “get ahead” and “prove myself.” I am getting clearer about what my Big Assumption is: I assume I always need to be managing the situation, affecting the situation in order to have it go the way I want it to. I assume I can’t just let things be or I will be anxious because I can’t manage it. But what I’m learning is that the energy required to manage the situation and have it go the way I wanted to is actually overtaxing me and making me more anxious.

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To what extent do you believe and feel the situation or events from your biography (or biographic moment) apply to your current life? If you think they do, how so?

I have different goals now – I see my relationships differently, and I have no interest in looking at people or social situations as a means for me to get ahead. So I don’t need to control everything. I need to let go of that assumption.

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Continuum of Progress For my Continuum of Progress, I was just imagining being more mindful of paying attention and not letting myself get distracted, being able to compartmentalize other issues in my mind so that they don’t interfere. While I imagined that success would mean I would feel less tired and be using less energy, I am not sure I really believed that. It seemed like it might take MORE energy to keep things compartmentalized. I think at this point in the process I felt good to be working on this issue, good to be feeling like I wasn’t just letting things continue to go on as before. But I also felt very cautious because I didn’t feel like I had gotten a clear focus yet on what needed to change and how. I couldn’t see how the change was going to happen, and that felt a bit confusing. Since I got my survey feedback from my wife, I have been much more aware of this issue of eye contact. I try to be very conscious of making eye contact and focusing. By being aware of it, I am doing better. It is going well so far, but it does really take a lot of energy and effort. I don't feel anxious per se, but I do feel "ON." It makes me not want to be in those situations for very long. It does become anxiety producing if the stakes are higher, if there is someone I really feel like I need to impress. Up until now, people who don't know me have said I seem very relaxed and natural in these situations. They don't experience my anxiety. But I think as I have gotten older, I have been less willing to spend my energy in ways that aren’t really important to me. And so having to feel like I am “on” all the time has become more of a burden or a chore to me. That is what makes me want to do this work. I'm starting to feel like that is getting harder to do, and I don't want it to be showing up to others more than it has. I think I might be more of an introvert than I thought I was (or than I used to be). I started reading the book Quiet because I was interested in the ways that introverts can succeed at doing things that require more extroverted types of behaviors, when those things are particularly important to them. The thing that I am finding most helpful about this book is that it is validating that there is nothing wrong with being an introvert, that you can function well and adapt without having to undergo some kind of transformation to extroversion.

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Column 1 Goal and Big Assumption(s)

1st Steps Forward Significant Progress Success

I am committed to getting better at and being relaxed, being truly in the moment, present, listening more completely. I assume that I need to always be in control, prepared, aware of everything or else I will be vulnerable (e.g., I have to focus all energy on tracking the things I’m saying in the conversation so that I don’t forget the thing I want to say next ). Feeling out of control or vulnerable is always bad.

I practice focusing, being mindful of eye contact. I am aware of when I feel uncomfortable. I figure out when I need to be compartmentalizing1 and how to do it. I practice deliberately compartmentalizing things. I develop strategies that allow me to compartmentalize (e.g., taking a deep breath and telling myself I can let go of that). I watch myself to see when I can stay focused and when I get distracted. I notice what is distracting me (make notes about the types of things that distract me). I look to see if I can make a choice about whether that should distract me or not. It feels good to be taking a serious look

I make more direct eye contact. I feel more connected to people. It feels a little close and uncomfortable in social situations with people I care less about. I do it because I know I don’t want the habit of disconnecting to stay. I see the benefits of being more connected to my wife. That definitely feels great. At work, I gather more about what is happening in a conversation. I give the impression to others that I am mindful, attentive. It does not feel uncomfortable in those situations. These are the situations that are easiest for me because the context keeps the conversations from being too intimate. I continue to practice compartmentalizing and mindfulness.

I am focused on what is going on right now, in real time with the individual. I am not distracted by or anxious about anything other than what is happening in the conversation. I make eye contact rather than looking at someone’s mouth. The intimacy of eye contact feels comfortable. I feel comfortable feeling connected to and invested in whomever I’m talking to. I consciously choose when to be fully present and when to stay more on the surface and allow myself to be distracted or less focused. I can choose when I need to be fully invested and let go of my commitments to being in control and prepared. I do this effortlessly in

1 Compartmentalizing means I can separate the issues I am thinking about that are not relevant to a conversation and then isolate/ignore them while I focus on what is relevant and important).

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at these issues and that I’m doing something about it. I feel optimistic. I’m “up for” making a change. I like being very self-aware and knowing myself better.

I am less anxious. I have more energy.

situations that are important for this: communication with my wife, my kids, at work (not always but in key 1:1 engagements, and in my work-related meetings). Because I am selective about when to be fully focused, I use less energy. I feel more energy because I feel less anxiety. I feel very secure in how things are going – how I feel about my life, work, kids. If I know, internally, that things are great (nothing causing me major angst), I am not worried about the impressions others are forming. When everything is not great, I can fully compartmentalize the things that aren’t great and put them aside while I need to focus. I can separate my feelings about where I need to be right now and the other things that are happening. I don’t care what others think. Even when I have other things on the agenda or on my to-do

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list, I can compartmentalize them, put them aside and fully focus on what I’m doing in the moment.

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Self Observations Observing the Big Assumption in Action Some of the instances where I could observe Big Assumption in action were pretty familiar to me and didn’t necessarily lead me to any new insights. Big Assumption: I assume that I need to always be in control, prepared, aware of everything or else I will be vulnerable. Feeling out of control or vulnerable is always bad. Describe situation where Big Assumption got in your way

Describe costs to you (“what did it block, prevent or impair?”)

Situation #1: For example, I was meeting with a client last week and was very aware of wanting to focus on him and make eye contact. I was aware, though, that toward the end of our meeting, my mind was starting to focus on what was next on my schedule. I was starting to calculate when I would need to wrap up our conversation in order to get to my next meeting on time. Sometimes it is really important that I make sure I am on schedule. I might have very little time between meetings, or maybe my parking meter is running out of time. But I think it is easy for me to get into the habit of being overly conscious of time and my schedule, even when I don’t have something urgent to do next.

Situation #1: In this situation, I think that getting distracted by my calculations about the time meant that I probably didn’t hear a couple of things the client said. This is where all my column 2 behaviors are relevant. My response may not have appropriately addressed everything the client wants to know about. I wonder if he could possibly tell that my mind had wandered for a few moments? These are also the times when I think I start to rush the person a bit, not letting them finish all they have to say.

Situation #2: From time to time, my wife will comment to me that she notices I seem anxious. Once she said, “Be in the moment. This is an example where you need to be here.”

Situation #2: When she says something like this, I really try and stop and notice what I’m feeling and why. I notice how I’ve stopped being present with her and hearing what she is saying because I’m tuning into my own thoughts, worries, or confusion. I’m trying to think about how I

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should respond. Reflection Question Your Response

What stands out to you? What do you notice most of all?

I am aware that I am often wasting my energy trying to control something I can’t or shouldn’t.

What does your B.A. do to you? What thoughts, feelings, perspectives, actions, & choices do you experience as a consequence of your B.A.?

It makes me feel tired, stressed, anxious.

Do you see patterns i.e., are there particular types of people, content areas, circumstances (inside yourself or in the environment) that activate your Big Assumption?

When I have a full schedule, lots to do, I get more anxious and worried about missing something. That actually distracts me from being able to focus on the thing I’m doing.

Any “ah ha”? One "Aha" revelation I had -‐-‐ a lot of my distraction is about trying to manage time, feeling like I am always on a schedule, trying to get through a list of things to do, check things off. So if I am having a conversation, it can feel like I am losing time, not being efficient with time. I think that leads me to finish other people’s sentences, thinking I know where something is going.

Do you notice any additional Big Assumptions you are making? If so, add these to your 4-‐col map.

What are your key take-‐aways? I don’t have control over some things. So if I don’t, I can let go of things, compartmentalize and have that lessen the cost of the distraction.

I have been working on trying to be more aware of when these things are happening

so that I can consciously choose to ignore some of the things that distract me. I feel really good that I can recognize when it is happening and see why I am doing it. Then I can pretty quickly recognize what is going on and see why I’m doing it. It is starting to make me wonder…

• Is everything that I feel like I have to keep track of mentally as urgent and critical as it feels?

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• If something isn’t urgent and critical, can I recognize it and let go of it?

• What would help me to let go of some of the things I am feeling like I need to keep

track of?

The more I observed, the more the costs of my Big Assumptions became clear to me. Sometimes I am wasting my energy focusing on things I don’t have any control over. So, they may feel important to me, but focusing on them and allowing them to distract me from other things makes no sense.

It is getting very clear to me that I am wasting my energy focusing on things I don’t have any control over. I have been allowing them to distract me from other things makes no sense. As this realization was beginning to dawn on me, I also became very interested in a couple of situations where I saw naturally occurring counters to my Big Assumption too.

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Observing Naturally Occurring Counters to the Big Assumption Big Assumption: I assume that I need to always be in control, prepared, aware of everything or else I will be vulnerable. Feeling out of control or vulnerable is always bad. Describe situation that casts doubt on your Big Assumption (including your thoughts & feelings)

How does what happened cast doubt on the absolute truth of your Big Assumption?

Counter Observation #1: I needed to book a flight for work, but I didn’t have enough time in advance of the flight to make sure I got a good seat. By the time I knew I needed to book the flight, all that were left were middle seats. So, I was dreading the flight and kept finding that dread was intruding into my thoughts and general mood. But then as I was driving to the airport, I realized that it was a useless distraction. There was nothing I could do to change things, as far as I knew, and allowing thoughts about the flight and feelings of annoyance to distract me just kept me from being fully present and focused on other things. I decided there was no point in focusing on this issue any longer. Ironically, when I got to the airport to check in, I asked if I could change my seat, and there were much better seats available. I got the one I wanted in the first place.

Counter Observation #1: That really showed me how useless it is to get so distracted by something that ended up being a non-‐issue. I could have easily allowed the whole thing to bother me much more. I could have been in a crappy mood, allowing this issue to intrude on the ways I needed to deal with all the issues I needed to address that day. I am more and more aware that I can make a conscious decision about how I want to handle these situations.

Counter Observation #2: I drove into work and parked my car in our lot. A bit later in the morning, I was walking through the parking lot on my way to another building and noticed there was a big tarry scrape on the front bumper. I couldn’t figure out where that had happened. Anyone who knows me well knows that this is the kind of thing that drives me CRAZY. I take really good care of my car – I’m like that with all of my stuff actually. Usually, something like this could easily bother me

Counter Observation #2: Letting go was a major change from what I usually do, and I realized that there was nothing I could have gained from thinking about it except that I would have stayed angry. When I saw that mark again and realized that I hadn’t been thinking about it (and realized that thinking about it would have just caused me more problems because I would have been angry and distracted), I almost laughed out loud. It felt like someone played a joke on me, set me up just

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all day. But here’s what happened. When I saw it, I was pissed off. It bothered me that there was this ugly mark. It bothered me that I had no idea where it had come from. But I had a really busy morning lined up, and so there wasn’t anything I could do about it until later in the day. I said to myself, “This sucks, but I’m going to see if I can forget about it until I can actually do something about it.” And I did. I just let go of it, and decided to immerse myself in the work I had to do that morning. And I did. I actually forgot completely about it until I was leaving work that evening. When I saw the mark on my car again, I was pissed off all over again. But I also realized I hadn’t been thinking about it at all since I decided to let go of it. Ordinarily, that would stay in my head all day.

to learn this very thing. Like, “See!? See what you’ve been doing?!”

Reflection Question Your Response

What stands out to you? What do you notice most of all?

What thoughts, feelings, perspectives, actions, and choices did you experience in these instances?

I am feeling more aware of what it feels like to be in the moment, to let go of my anxiety. That feels good.

Do you see any patterns? Is the same doubt about your Big Assumption raised across the different instances? Is there anything in common across the examples that might account for the counter-‐data? (e.g., particular types of people, content areas, circumstances, inside yourself or in the environment).

I can see that I often try to control things that I either have no control over or that don’t really make sense for me to try to address right at that moment. And if I can’t address them, I should let go of them until I can. I’m trying to control all the time rather than consciously choosing when that makes sense and when that doesn’t.

Did you act differently than your Big Assumption would have you act? If so, what

Observing myself made me more aware of what I am thinking and feeling. And

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did you do? What are your hunches about why you acted differently? Was it because of something “out there,” or something you said to yourself, or some combination of the two, or anything else?

because I was more aware, I could see I had a choice in those situations.

What does the counter-‐data suggest to you about your Big Assumption?

The question I was asking before was, “how can I keep these other thoughts from intruding too much on my focus?” I was assuming these thoughts were all important and useful. Now I am starting to see that they aren’t. Can I let them go if they aren’t? Can I pick them up again if I need to?

What are your key take-‐aways? I will look to see if I can make choices about whether I have control, whether I should try to control something, and whether I should let something distract me or not.

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Immunity Map Creating an immunity to change map was a powerful experience for me. For a long time now, I have been working on being a better communicator. It is a big part of my job and I work hard at it. I’m very conscientious, very oriented toward success. I get a lot of feedback at work and from friends that I am a really good communicator. But my wife disagrees. She feels like I am not really present. And I think she is right. Also, I’m exhausted. Not enjoying myself as much. Feeling too much anxiety in interactions. I am committed to getting better at and being relaxed, being truly in the moment, present, listening more completely. This is really important in the key relationships in my life – with my wife, in particular. But I also experience this at work. Much of what I do is focused on people. I experience it a little bit socially as well.

1. Commitment (Improvement Goal)

2. Doing/Not Doing (Instead of #1)

3. Hidden Competing Commitment

4. Big Assumption(s)

I am committed to getting better at and being relaxed, being truly in the moment, present, listening more completely.

I get distracted and start noticing what is going on around me, or thinking about what is next on my agenda, or thinking about where I’d rather be. I listen to portions of what someone is saying and then anticipate how they’ll finish. I might respond in a way that doesn’t accurately address what was asked.

Worries: that I will feel anxiety, that others will get the wrong impression of me -‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐ I am also committed… To not letting people see what I don’t want them to see. To not having my social and professional interactions be not on my terms. To not feeling out of control. To not having things go some way I don’t want them to.

I assume… I must focus all energy on tracking the things I’m saying in the conversation so that I don’t forget the thing I want to say next… Others are constantly evaluating me, forming impressions (as I am of them…). I must manage the impression others have of me or I will feel out of control, depressed. I must feel and come across to others as successful, charming, put-‐together, smart, and witty. I assume that silence/white space in conversations is

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I “fast forward” the conversation (in my mind), to move things along. (…impatience) I’m constantly nodding to show I understand and am with you, and hopefully to move things along more quickly (Inpatient). I fidget. I constantly think about how others who are watching the conversation might be perceiving me.

To not having others form impressions of me that I don’t want them to have.

awkward/unexpected and anxiety provoking

I can see my immune system. I can see that I am putting lots of effort and energy into having things go my way, controlling every aspect of the situation, focusing so much on what I need to achieve. That keeps me out of some anxiety – that I will be unable to shape the ways others see me, that I will feel like things are unpredictable or out of my control. So I’m doing lots of work in the conversation – trying to pay attention to so many things and be very conscious about how I want to respond, what I should say. Ironically, that also causes me some anxiety and is exhausting. It also keeps me from being able to be really present in the conversation, really listening openly to what someone else is saying. It seems like all my hard work ends up actually having the opposite effect on me – it interferes ultimately with my ability to relate to others in a way that is more relaxed, confident, and present. I think my hard work does mean that I perform pretty well at work and inmost social situations. I can be entertaining, witty, intelligent, on my game. But, it doesn’t work for my wife. She wants a different kind of relationship and communication with me. I can see she is right. She was the one who pointed out lots of the column 2 behaviors. At work, and in my social life, I get lots of feedback about how I handle these situations well. I think all my hard work has helped me do well in jobs that require me to think on my feet, to develop

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relationships with clients quickly. But I also feel like the hard work has negative effects there too – maybe mostly on how I feel (exhausted), but it could be that I’m not as good at responding to what others are saying as I’d like to be. I can’t quite name how these parts of my life (work, social life, relationship with my wife and kids) are related, but I am following my hunch to focus on all of them. I think she is right that some of my behaviors are probably holding me back in other domains of my life as well. So getting better in key conversations has implications for other areas of my life.

Feedback I decided that the best person to ask for feedback on my improvement goal would be my wife. I think I already know what people I work with would say because my performance reviews and 360 feedback have always indicated I’m pretty skilled in this area. Because most of my interactions with clients are short and… My wife knows me the best. She is the only person who has brought up this issue with me – seeing it not only in my interactions with her but with others as well. For that reason, I think I’m interested in turning to her for a kind of expert opinion and for a reliable sense of baseline data. And she didn’t disappoint! Not only was her survey feedback very useful, she also managed to make it clear to me how meaningful it is to her that I am committed to working on this issue since she knows it affects our relationship more than it does any other aspect of my life. I feel very grateful that she is supporting me so much and helping understand this aspect of myself. What was most helpful about her feedback what that she was very specific, thorough, and quite clear. She let me know the things I am doing that undermine my goal in my conversations with her. For example, she noted that I don’t rephrase or summarize what she has said to indicate that I understand. Sometimes when she asks a question, I don’t even respond because I’m focused on something else. Often, we are trying to hold conversations while we are in separate rooms, while I’m also trying to get work done or listen to music. When we are face to face talking, I don’t maintain good eye contact, and I’m often trying to move the conversation along too quickly. My tone will sound impatient or too casual. I might even make a joke that feels to her like I don’t regard the matter we’re discussing as important. I’ll be too quick to jump in with an answer or response as opposed to listening fully to the whole situation. She noticed that I do some of these same things when I’m talking with other people too – especially that I’m not maintaining good eye contact and interjecting comments or other responses without waiting and listening carefully. She worries that others may be feeling

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that I am not really interested in what they are saying and may feel a bit slighted or frustrated. So, you can see, she was pretty specific and thorough! When I read through her comments, I realized that her comment about eye contact is right on! I don’t make good eye contact – or if I start out looking at someone’s eyes, I end up shifting away pretty quickly and looking at someone’s mouth instead. I don’t know why I do that (look at the mouth), except that I think it helps me feel less anxious I guess. The conversation feels less intense, less intimate. It is easier for me to stay focused on my own thoughts – about how I want to respond or about the other things that are on my mind that I don’t want to forget. I realized I should add that behavior to those in Column 2 of my map because it is something I do that really undermines my goal of being present and relaxed! So, I added that and then started thinking about what that means I should add to my map in columns 3 and 4. I realized that if I’m really engaged in the conversation in an intense and intimate way, I can feel very anxious that there are other things I should be aware of, other things I need to get done that I’m not getting done. I worry that I’m forgetting, letting something else fall through the cracks. Sometimes there ARE really important things that I need to stay aware of – like that I have another meeting coming up or something big I have to get done that afternoon. But sometimes I just react that way (feeling anxious and unable to be fully present) almost out of habit… or maybe because I haven’t really thought about how important the other stuff is. I just feel this general sense that I’m not prepared, that there is something to be done. As long as there are loose ends somewhere, I tend to worry about them and not focus completely. Only if I know that I have checked off everything on my “to do” list can I relax and be fully present. I ended up adding two new Big Assumptions to my map:

• I assume that I need to be prepared and on my game to feel like I am meeting my standard, and to feel comfortable.

• I assume I can only relax when all the ends are tied up.

These feel pretty powerful to me. I think they were important to realize, and I’m pretty interested in learning more about how they work.

1. Commitment (Improvement Goal)

2. Doing/Not Doing (Instead of #1)

3. Hidden Competing Commitment

4. Big Assumption(s)

I am committed to getting better at and being

I get distracted and start noticing what is going on around me, or

Worries: that I will feel anxiety, that others will get the wrong impression of me. I

I assume… I must focus all energy on tracking the things I’m

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relaxed, being truly in the moment, present, listening more completely.

thinking about what is next on my agenda, or thinking about where I’d rather be. I listen to portions of what someone is saying and then anticipate how they’ll finish. I might respond in a way that doesn’t accurately address what was asked. I “fast forward” the conversation (in my mind), to move things along. (…impatience) I’m constantly nodding to show I understand and am with you, and hopefully to move things along more quickly (Inpatient). I fidget. I constantly think about how others who are watching the conversation

would not be aware of, prepared for some of the other things that are happening. Not being on my game. -‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐-‐ I am also committed… To people only seeing what I want them to see. To having my social and professional interactions be on my terms. To being in control. To have things go my way To having others form a positive impression of me that is the one I want them to have. To always feeling prepared and on my game.

saying in the conversation so that I don’t forget the thing I want to say next… Others are constantly evaluating me, forming impressions (as I am of them…). I must manage the impression others have of me or I will feel out of control, depressed. I must feel and come across to others as successful, charming, put-‐together, smart, and witty. I assume that silence/white space in conversations is awkward/unexpected and anxiety provoking I assume that I need to be prepared and on my game to feel like I am meeting my standard, and to feel comfortable. I assume I can only relax when all the ends are tied up.

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might be perceiving me. I don’t make eye contact with people enough. I look at people’s mouths instead. As long as there is something on the agenda or on my to do list, a portion of whatever else I am doing is always focused on what is next on the agenda and what I need to do for that.

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