Dating eBook v10

7/27/2019 Dating eBook v10

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Choosing a real honey

Instead of gettingstuck with a lemon

b y K E L L I E W A L K E R


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T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S

INTRODUCTION 3

STEP 1 5

List features - Must Haves, Wouldnt Be Caught Dead In and It Depends

STEP 2 7

What do you mean my station wagon isnt sporty?

STEP 3 9

Organizing Your Garage

STEP 4 11

A Good Visor Mirror (aka Honesty & Self-Awareness)

STEP 5 13

The Road Less-Traveled


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Introduction: In many ways, dating is like car shopping. For those who know whatthey want, how much they are willing to invest (before and after acquisition) and what value

they expect to get for their investment, it can be a lot of fun. For those who have not

thought through their requirements, it can be exhausting and discouraging.

If you fall into the second category and are tired of dating lemons, lets increase the oddsthat you can get behind the wheel of a real honey.

2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G

My mom rocks at car shopping. Before she even sets foot into a dealership

she knows exactly what shes looking for: make and model, safety rating,

feature, and exactly how much shes willing to spend. I pity the fool who

thinks they can take her for a ride. Salesmen have literally chased her as

she walked out of a dealership. By educating herself on the options and

figuring out what she wanted BEFORE she goes shopping, she has a lot of

control over the outcome. She knows that. With knowledge comes

confidence. Her confidence makes the experience more enjoyable. And,

shes always very happy with her car of choice. Theyre reliable,

dependable, inexpensive to maintain, rugged and durable.


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Step 1: List features - Must Haves, Wouldnt Be Caught Dead In, and It Depends

Step 2: What do you mean my station wagon isnt sporty?

Step 3: Organizing your garage

Step 4: A good visor mirror (aka Honesty & Self-Awareness)

Step 5: The road less-traveled


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Step 1: List features - Must Haves, Wouldnt Be Caught DeadIn, and It Depends

If youre old enough to be looking for

a life partner, youre old enough to

have developed a sense of what kindof car you prefer to drive.

Thought Experiment #1a:

Following the thought experiment

outlined on this page, think about the

features your ideal car would or would

not have. Use the first index card on the

next page to capture your thoughts.

Refer to the list of features on Page 16 if you

get stuck for ideas and need help getting

started.

Thought Experiment #1b:Apply a similar thought experiment to

your ideal dating partner. Think about thetraits your ideal partner would or would

not have. Use the second index card on

the next page to capture your thoughts.

Refer to the list of dating partner traits on

Pages 17-20 if you get stuck for ideas and

need a bit of help getting started.

Thought ExperimentYou have unexpectedly inherited$40,000 with the condition that youuse the money to buy a car. Beforeheading out to the dealership or theirwebsite, make a list of features yourideal car would or would not have.

?

Ideal features:

Good safety rating

Reliable

Silver with gray interior

Less than 50,000 miles

Clean CarFax report

Not interested in:

Convertible

Mercedes

Brand new car

Anything larger than a Honda Accord

Hatchback


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Your ideal partner traits:

Your ideal car features:


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Step 2: What do you mean my station wagon isnt sporty?

People can use the same word and mean wildly diferent things. For example, continuing

with our automobile metaphor, a sports car can mean anything from a cute convertible to

a sleek Italian exotic to a classic muscle car.

Thought Experiment #2:Following the thought experiment

outlined on this page, take a look at the

traits you listed for your ideal partner. For

each feature you listed, ask yourself,

What did I mean by that? If the feature is

self-explanatory, you are done with it. If,

like the term romantic, the trait could

use a bit more clarity, write out specific

examples of behavior that would help you

clearly illustrate what you are looking for.

Thought ExperimentFor each trait on your IDeal DatingPartner list, ask yourself, What doesthat mean to me?

?

Years ago, a friend complained that her boyfriend wasnt romantic. He

never bought her flowers, never surprised her with gifts, never got her

romantic cards, etc. In that same conversation she said hed taken her car

in for an oil change, checked the tires, put air in the tires, and changed her

windshield wipers. Then, she told me that he bought her a pair of boots

that she admired. He not only remembered the name of the store, he

remembered which boots she wanted, AND knew her shoe size. I dont

know about you, but I considered all of that EXTREMELY romantic. She

didnt. She wanted the flowers, the candy and the cards. Theres nothing

wrong with what she wanted. In fact, it was perfectly fine. My point is, she

had a specific notion in mind when she said, romantic.


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Use the trait diagrams on Page 22 to capture your thoughts regarding each trait. You

may want to photo copy Page 22 so you have enough diagrams.


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Step 3: Organize your garage

For many of us, what we like and dont

like is measurable in a matter of

degrees. Even positive traits can be

taken to extremes. For example, youmay want a partner who is generous,

but not so generous that they are always

living paycheck to paycheck.

Thought Experiment #3:Following the thought experiment

outlined on this page, take a look at the

traits you listed for your ideal partner. Listeach trait in the table on Page 10. Use the following rating scale to help describe how

often you would want to see/experience each trait.


F R E Q U E N C Y S C O R E

In Private Only 1 - 2

Daily 3 - 4

In Public 5 - 6

Special Occasions 7 - 8

Very Rarely, If Ever 9 - 10

Thought ExperimentReview your list of traits. Askyourself how often you want to see /experience each trait - Daily? Onspecial occasions only? etc.

?


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T r a i t S C O R E F r e q u e n c y


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Step 4: A good visor mirror (aka Honesty & Self-Awareness)

If you take nothing else from this workbook, I hope you take this piece of advice. Be honest

- completely honest. I am not talking about the Kitty-Kelley-Tell-All kind of honesty. I am

talking about being honest with yourself- about what you want in a partner and about

what you do not want in a partner.

This entire process is about what you want.

What were talking about in this workbook is a

matter of taste. Your friends and family do not

get to decide if you prefer pick up trucks over

SUVs. Similarly, they dont get to decide if you

prefer blondes over brunettes. Since this

process is about defining what you want, no

one else need ever see your list of traits. This

is all about you, all for you.

Dont worry about whether

or not it sounds shallow

that you want a partner

who makes more money

than you do. If thats a truerequirement for you, be honest

about it. Dont date people who

make half of what you make

just to prove to yourself that

youre not shallow.

1 2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G

I worked with a woman who unabashedly

noted that if she had to do it all over again,

she would only date really wealthy men.

When chastised by colleagues who told her

she was being shallow, she responded that

she was merely being honest. Her favorite

comeback line was, Rich men need love,

too!


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The more self aware you are and the more honest you are, the better and more successful

your dating experiences will be. And, youll be much less likely to fall in love with someone

whom you could never bring yourself to marry.

Thought Experiment #4:With that in mind, revisit the first thought experiment and see if there is anything you

would move from one category to another. Did you list any Must Haves that are really It

Depends or Would Not Be Caught Dead In? Or, vice versa? Did you leave anything ofany

of your lists?


Thought ExperimentReview your list of traits.?


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Step 5: The road less traveled

Thought Experiment #5a:

Following the thought experiment outlined on this page, review the latest version of your

list of traits. Ask yourself it there are traits youd be willing to live with or without if theperson was perfect in every other way. The point of this exercise is to determine under

what circumstances you would be willing to go beyond your normal boundaries while still

staying true to yourself.


Thought ExperimentReview the latest version of your list

of traits. As yourself, Why? Whyyou do or do not want each particulartrait.

?

When I go car shopping, I avoid white cars. I dont look at the features, the

price or the mileage. I dont take them for test drives. I never thought my

behavior was odd in any way until a salesperson asked me, Why? Without

hesitating, I explained that I did not get along with my ex-mother-in-law

and she exclusively drove white cars. In hindsight, I recognize that I have

probably overlooked some really great cars simply because I did not want

to be reminded of or associated with my ex-mother-in-law.


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Thought Experiment #5b:

What would you have to do diferently to put yourself in the path of potential dating

partners who do not, on the surface, appear to be your type?

Following the thought experiment outlined on this page, review the latest versionof your list of traits. Make a list of

activities and locations that would likely

put you in the path of people you would

like to meet.

Get a copy of Time Out or your citys

equivalent. Look through event listings.

Choose a category you dont normally

attend. Select one event per month and

go.

The list below may give you some inspiration for possible activities.


Thought ExperimentReview your list of traits and thinkabout activities / topics you areinterested in. Ask yourself, Where amI likely to meet someone with the

traits I want?

?

Comedy show

Dog park

Art show

Museum

Book signing

Library

Cofee shop

Poetry reading

Race - cycling, running, etc.

Church, synagog, mosque

Charity ball/auction

Pottery class

Painting class

Photography class

Dance class

Political campaign


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Dating/activity websites:

If you cant find a club or group in your city that interests you, start one! Websites like

www.meetup.com make it easier than ever to find people with similar interests.

2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C

1D A T I N G

www.timeout.com

www.top10bestdatingsites.com

www.active.com

www.meetup.com

www.itsjustlunch.com

www.8at8.com

Google in

cycling

running

writing

theater

singing

tennis

softball

hiking

dancing

pottery

Volunteer work
http://www.itsjustlunch.com/http://www.itsjustlunch.com/http://www.top10bestdatingsites.co/http://www.top10bestdatingsites.co/http://www.timeout.com/http://www.timeout.com/http://www.meetup.com/http://www.meetup.com/


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Vehicle Traits:


1

Make

Model

Mileage

Body style

New / Used

Color - Interior / Exterior

Engine size

Suspension package

Wheel package

Safety rating

Year

Reliability rating

Interior

Automatic vs. manual

Anti-theft protection

Airbags

Audio system

Power steering

Power windows

Keyless entry

Lumbar support

Leather seats

Heated seats

Cup holders

Built-in GPS

Rearview camera

Bluetooth functions

iPod compatibility

etc.

etc.


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Dating Partner Traits:

2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C

1D A T I N G

Habits:

Smoker? Frequency?

Drinker? Frequency?

Physical:

Age range

Height range

Body type

Exercise:

Type

gym

triathlons

running

cycling

hiking

Culture:

Ethnicity

Religion

Languages

Family:

Marital status

Have/want kids

Parents still married?

Both parents still living?

Siblings

Number

Relationship with

Birth order

Nature of relationship with family

Have/want pets

Geography:

Location

Willing to/interested in moving?

Able to/interested in travel?


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Dating Partner Traits (contd):


Personality:

Respectful

Reliable

Consistent

Attentive

Protective

I like who I am when with

Gregarious

Outspoken

Introvert/extrovert

Perceptive

Judgmental

Good with kids

Good with animals

Financial behavior:

Job Status

self-employed

unemployed

Income range

Spending style

Saving style

Food:

Vegan

Vegetarian

Meant n potatoes

Mostly eat out

Can cook

Junk food

Eating habits/mannerisms

Willing to/interested in moving?

Education:

G.E.D.

High school

Bachelors

Masters

PhD


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Interests/Hobbies:

Indoor

Outdoor

Work:

Schedule

Workaholic

8 to 5

Flexible

Attitude toward:

Company

Industry

Boss

Co-workers

Clients

Appearance:

Style & type of clothes

Style & type of hair

Living Arrangements:

Roommate(s)

With parents/family?

Near parents/family?

Intelligence:

Academic

Scientific

Emotional

Common sense

Kinetic/physical

Artistic

Current events

Humor:

Witty

Physical

Sarcastic

Goofy

Slap stick

Intelligent


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Social Circle:

Number of friends

Type of friends

Many acquaintances

A few close

Lifelong

All new

Sources for other traits:

www.gurusoftware.com/

gurunet/personal/factors.htm

www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htm

Attachment Style:

Secure

Avoidant

Anxious

For more info, see the book

Attached
http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htmhttp://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htmhttp://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htmhttp://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htmhttp://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htmhttp://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htm


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Feature:

Feature:


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Romantic

Romantic

Documents

Dating eBook v10