Common Sense Parenting Handbook · Common Sense Parenting Handbook Available at DarlaOtto.com 2 T he A dvent G roup This handbook is the companion guide to the “Common Sense Parenting

Darla Ottowww.TheAdventGroup.org

Common Sense Parenting HandbookA Guide to Preventing

and CorrectingFundamental Family

Problems

Biblical parenting principles in a no-nonsense,

to-the-point format for parents who want to make changes in their

family dynamics.

Common Sense Parenting

Handbook

A Guide to Preventing and Correcting

Fundamental Family Problems

Biblical parenting principles in a no-nonsense, to-the-point format for parents who want to

make changes in their family dynamics.

by Darla Otto

The Advent Group

Common Sense Parenting Handbook Available at DarlaOtto.com

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This handbook is the companion guide to the “Common Sense Parenting Seminar”, which is a 4-hour parenting seminar presented

by Darla Otto.

The “Common Sense Parenting Seminar” can also be conducted as a workshop with the addition of working sessions for participants to take

action steps and complete worksheets specific to their own family. When delivered as a workshop, this presentation becomes an 8-hour

event.

To schedule a seminar, contact [email protected].

Copyright © 2007 Darla Otto, The Advent Group All Rights Reserved

The Common Sense Parenting Handbook is available electronically

as a free document courtesy of TheAdventGroup.com and DarlaOtto.com. Printed copies are available for a nominal fee to

cover printing and shipping costs.

Permission is granted for duplication, electronic forwarding, or hardcopy reproduction of this document, providing the identity of the author and the address of the source website are included with each

copy.


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Table of Contents Section 1. Your Worldview Affects Everything ..........4

1.1 Biblical View of Family ........................................ 5 1.2 Understand Love, Authority and Obedience........ 7 1.3 Keep a Vision of the Future in Mind Now .......... 10 1.4 Empower Yourself ............................................ 12 1.5 Worldview – Summary ...................................... 14

Section 2. Behaviors of Empowered Families.........15

2.1 Focus on What is Important .............................. 15 2.2 Have a Decision-Making Framework ................ 18 2.3 Planning and Good Habits Prevent Problems ... 21 2.4 Deal with Mistakes and Move On...................... 23 2.5 Have Fun – It Is Part of Life’s Balance .............. 26 2.6 Behaviors of Empowered Families – Summary. 29

Section 3 – Tools for Daily Living .............................30

3.1 Schedules – How to Manage Time ................... 30 3.2 Organization – Conquer the Clutter .................. 32 3.3 Chores – Everyone is Responsible ................... 34 3.4 Tools for Daily Living - Summary ...................... 37


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Section 1. Your Worldview Affects

Everything Each person has a belief system that gives a framework

to how they view and understand “big life issues” such as “what

about God” “why are we here” “are people basically good or

bad” “what are the responsibilities of people, government,

church” and “what are my responsibilities in these areas” and

many other things.

Even if you have never spent time pondering or writing

down these thoughts, you have some type of assumptions that

have been created throughout your lifetime by people and life

events that have influenced you. These assumptions and

underlying beliefs create the foundation from which you make

decisions and make value judgments about good and bad, right

and wrong in the world. This package of assumptions

constitutes your worldview. From a Christian parenting

standpoint, this is the critical starting point for making decisions

and establishing your household. All else depends upon it.

Once you understand and determine your worldview

and align it with the Biblical perspective, the actions and

decisions required as a parent become much easier to make

and much easier to carry out in daily life. With a clearly defined

worldview, decisions that used to appear hard become easy,

even obvious.


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1.1 Biblical View of Family

There are some basic components of a Christian

worldview that are critical to understanding the family.

There are 3 institutions ordained in the Bible 1) Family

2) Church (universal church) 3) Civil Government. God is good

and these institutions were established for our good. Satan

uses the secular forces within the world to “steal, kill, and

destroy” that which God has ordained for good.

The basic family unit was designed to start with a man

and a woman coming together in marriage. From this stable

foundation, children are raised to become followers of God and

valuable members of society. Unfortunately, many forces at

work in the world today have the effect of damaging or

destroying the family unit as designed by God. Family

structures other than the Biblical “traditional” family can

successfully raise children if they stick to Biblical guidelines.

However, you, as the parent, should make every effort to align

your life with the concepts of Biblical family.

Stable families create the basis for stable societies,

which are necessary for us as individuals to survive in the

world. Our society determines and affects our ability to get

food to eat, have jobs to perform, and conduct recreational

activities.


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Societies are ruled by civil governments who have great

influence in our daily lives, the freedoms we have, the social

obligations we perform, and our ability to live at peace or at

war.

This handbook will focus on the institution of the family,

with the understanding that we also have responsibilities to the

church and the civil government. Our priorities and decision

making will take these responsibilities into account.

Agreement between the parents is an important feature

of successful families. Therefore, you and your spouse should

discuss your worldview and the environment you desire to

create in your family before you start to set rules or talk to the

children about behaviors. Don’t just assume you know what

the other spouse thinks, and don’t assume they believe what

you do as this lack of communication breeds confusion and

tension in the family. The act of discussing these issues and

saying them out loud helps clarify your thinking and reinforce

your beliefs.


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1.2 Understand Love, Authority and Obedience

Love is a feeling that is much talked about in society

today. However, love is also a commandment in the Bible. We

are to love each other as Jesus Christ loved the church, as part

of which He made plans and took action to ensure the future

success of the church. We should and do love our families,

especially our children. This love drives us to desire the best

for our children, but often these desires are hopes, without any

clear ideas of how to make them come to pass. Biblical love

motivates us to proactively take action and make the best

decisions possible in our lives today that can ensure the best

possible outcomes for our children tomorrow.

Love should be the motivation for rules, training,

opportunities, and correction we give to our children. We

misunderstand love if we use it as an excuse to avoid these

things. As the parent, it is your responsibility to be the primary

teacher of behaviors, morals, and ethics to your children. Your

church, school, and other organizations should be

supplemental and supportive teachings to that conducted in the

home.

Foundational concepts to teach your children relate to

authority and obedience. Parental authority is derived from

God, and the family structure that He created and ordained.


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There is authority in every aspect of life, and successful people

know how to live and work in obedience to authority.

Children must be taught from a very young age to

respect and live under authority. This starts with the authority

of the parents within a family setting. Parents represent the

first authority that a child can understand, so setting the

expected behavior of obedience to that authority and

compliance with rules will lay the foundation for the child’s

obedience to authorities outside the home such as school,

societal/legal authorities, and ultimately the authority of God

Himself.

Here are some key points about the interaction of Love,

Authority, and Obedience in a family setting:

• The parent has the right and obligation to set and

impose rules whether or not the child/children fully

understand or agree. The explanation of the rules

should be communicated to the family members

periodically. The explanation will depend upon the age

and cognitive ability of the child to understand.

However, it must be understood that the child’s

understanding of the rule is NOT a prerequisite for

obedience.

• The parent is NOT required to explain every rule at

every incident where obedience is required. Feeling

obligated to explain everything when challenged by the


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child puts the parent in the position of reasoning with

the child and trying to convince them to follow the rule.

This situation puts the child in control of the interaction

and ultimately in charge of deciding if they will obey.

The standard rule should be to obey first, and, if

needed, explain later.

• Love and correction are both necessary and are

complementary. Love does not mean there will be no

confrontations, but that the confrontations will be

conducted within the framework of respecting each

individual and a set of pre-defined actions. When

confrontations are conducted in the heat of emotional

reactions with no agreed framework of behavior, then

the outcomes are often hurtful and negative.

• Exercising loving authority means consistent

enforcement of rules, consistent support of decisions,

and consistent application of corrections. Being

inconsistent implies the rules are arbitrary. This

situation undermines the parent’s authority and creates

offense and resentment at the correction which is then

perceived as illegitimate or a personal attack. Love at

all times, even when you don’t feel like it. Enforce rules

at all times, even when it is not convenient.


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1.3 Keep a Vision of the Future in Mind Now

It is easier to make correct and consistent decisions

when you periodically step away from the day-to-day activities

of life and keep the future-view or long-term desired outcomes

in mind. For a family, these outcomes include the attributes

and results you want in your children when they reach

adulthood. Develop a written list of outcomes and put them

someplace you can review annually. A good time to review

these would be New Year’s or each child’s birthday.

When considering goals, behaviors, and traits you

would desire your children to demonstrate when they are

grown, start with foundational character traits. From a Christian

perspective, the goals should include:

• raising children who love the Lord and are obedient to

His call on their lives

• raising children who are law-abiding citizens of the

society where they live

• raising children who are hardworking, contributing

members of society

• raising children who have the ability to make good

decisions in all areas of their lives.


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Goals such as these are desirable for children of every

personality type, interest area, future career, or future marital

status.

Don’t take any of these goals or outcomes for granted

or assume that you have no influence over whether they come

to pass. As the parent, you have the primary influence on your

children and can take actions that greatly increase the odds of

your children having successful outcomes in life.


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1.4 Empower Yourself

Running a family takes confidence. For many parents,

even within strongly Christian families, believing that you have

the permission and authority you need to make decisions and

take action necessary to develop the family environment you

want, and to attain the family outcomes you desire, is a first,

hard, often missing step.

Too often, when conflict occurs or problems arise,

people do just the opposite. They forfeit their authority.

Nobody takes it away from them. They simply give it up

voluntarily or abdicate it by not exercising it. They listen to

influences from secular society, or from persons without the

authority in this area (such as their own children), and simply

lay down their right to make decisions and enforce rules of

behavior within their families. Often outside influences are

blamed for it, but in reality this is a self-inflicted wound that

need not occur.

Regardless of your personal background, presence or

absence of good role models, or personal experiences, you

CAN decide today to have the life and family outcomes you

want. Actively think about your attitudes and behaviors before

you let your assumptions choose for you. There is no such

thing as “I have not yet made a decision”. As time passes and


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you deal with life’s situations, you are making decisions and

choices that affect the life of your children.

As the parent, you have the responsibility to make

decisions for the family that may seem to negatively impact one

individual in one area. The family unit is an organization that

has needs, such as time when everyone is together, planning

and strategy sessions, leadership and coordination. A key to

successful families is to balance the needs of individuals

against the needs of the family unit itself. Several studies have

proven that everyone gains by having a healthy family

including:

• better lifelong relationships

• living longer

• reduced bad lifestyle choices such as drinking,

smoking, drugs, teenage pregnancy

• reduced school drop out rates

• improved health through less stressful living

• creating memories and traditions that transcend

generations and make children feel stable and a part of

something larger than themselves.

The benefits of strong families are well worth the efforts. Start

today. Empowerment may take some courage, but society and

your family are expecting you to use the parental power and

authority you have, so DO IT.


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1.5 Worldview – Summary • The traditional family and traditional values as described in

the Bible provide the best way to achieve success for all

individuals.

• Non-traditional families can also have success by following

Biblical principles.

• Love is the basis from which we make all decisions for the

family.

• Parental authority is a positive force in building stable and

strong families.

• Obedience to authority is necessary to success in life.

• Thinking about how you want your children to be when they

are adults will provide clarity and guidance to the daily

decisions you make with your family.

• As the parent, you have the power and the authority to set

rules, make decisions, and provide correction for your

family.


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Section 2. Behaviors of Empowered Families

2.1 Focus on What is Important

Effective families have a lot in common with effective

teams, whether they are sports teams or teams in the business

world. Teams know they are more than a collection of

individuals; they are a group gathered together around

common goals and objectives. A team would never approach a

game without planning, guidelines, and communication, simply

hoping or assuming each member would know their role.

Effective families are the same way.

Set family goals for individuals and for the family unit.

Look beyond the day to day activities of life and determine what

you want the future to look like and what steps you can take to

get there. Goals should be set within the framework of the

family’s worldview and the desired outcomes at adulthood for

the children. A good timeframe for goal setting would be the

next 1-3 years. Goals should include achievements requiring

diligence and hard work, such as attaining a certain skill, or

finishing a difficult project, or reaching a certain milestone.

Goals should be reviewed every few months to ensure

progress is being made toward the required results.


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Governance, which is the guidelines of working

together, are very important for teams and families. Families

should have a contract, either written or at least well

communicated, so each member of the family understands and

agrees to basic rules of behavior within the group that will

govern interpersonal interactions and acceptable conduct

within the household. These should include respect for

individuals, expected compliance with behavioral rules, timely

and cooperative completion of assigned chores (specifically

listed), as well as goals for fun and family time such as

vacations. Defined punishment for rules infractions are best

clarified here, so everyone knows what will happen when

infractions occur.

The family contract or guidelines should be written

down and in an available location so everyone can see and be

reminded of the expectations for their behavior. Set aside a

specific time annually to review goals and the family contract.

Some good times to do this would be as a New Years tradition

or as part of celebrating a child’s birthday.

Don’t just assume that goals and expected behavior are

automatically understood by everyone in the same way. It is

very important to talk about ideas such as respecting

individuals and what that looks like within your family.


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Examples of respecting individuals may include:

• No Name Calling or Insults

• Don’t take another person’s personal belongings

• Don’t open a closed door without knocking

Many of these behaviors could be learned the hard way

by trial and error, however, that involves doing an action

innocently and being corrected unexpectedly. A better way to

teach these behaviors is to explain and review the rules

periodically and then correct the occasional mistakes. At that

point, the child has a context or reference for the guideline

broken and correction is not unexpected.


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2.2 Have a Decision-Making Framework

Many parents feel overwhelmed with the amount and

number of decisions they face in raising a family. You can

tame that seemingly unmanageable amount of decisions by

having a framework for making decisions, which will cause

many choices to be self-evident (or at least from a limited

number of acceptable alternatives).

The goal is to make decisions one time and not to keep

revisiting the basic moral and ethical underpinnings of the

decision. What many people refer to as “daily decisions” are

simply choices to have the implementation discipline to stick

with a decision that you have already made. When you have

made a decision, don’t revisit it every day the situation arises

and approach it is a new decision or you will become

overwhelmed unnecessarily. When you view daily situations

from this perspective, it gives you guidance on how to

approach your actions.

Decisions fall into categories (see attached table). An

example of a list of categories would be:

• Laws, Regulations, and Mandated Behaviors

• Behaviors with both a right and wrong time and place

(NOT situational ethics)

• Personal choices within moral/safety guidelines.


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Once you have decided basic behaviors within these

categories, have guidelines for various infractions of the rules

(see section 2.1 Focus on what is important – goals and family

contracts). Now when an incident occurs, there is no deciding

involved, just doing the actions previously identified according

to the decision making framework.

As parents, you reserve the right to show mercy in

mitigating or waiving the corrective actions, but don’t let mercy

become a cover or an excuse for inconsistent application of the

rules. If you make as many exceptions as you have rules, then

in reality you have no rules.

Having your own decision-making framework is the

foundation from which to teach your children to make good

decisions in their own lives. The key to teaching children to

make good decisions is to control the range of options from

which the child can choose. Very young children can be given

choices and decisions to make, for example, selecting which

book to read before bedtime. However, it would be improper to

let the young child choose what time to go to bed. As children

get older, they can be allowed and expected to make more

important decisions, however, it is important for the parent to

control their choices within acceptable guidelines.


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Decision Making Framework

Category Examples Action Laws/ regulations/ mandated

• Moral absolutes • Civil Laws such

as speed limits • Certain house

rules such as obedience, treating people with respect etc.

Don’t debate. Don’t convince. Be unemotional. Have corrections for infractions. Don’t reward compliance – expect it.

Behaviors that have a correct time and location (This is NOT situational ethics)

• Loud play-yes outside, no inside

• Driving-yes when trained and of age, no otherwise

• Sexual relations yes when married, no otherwise

Explain context or setting in which these behaviors are right and wrong. Reward good behavior. Correct wrong behaviors.

Personal preference within moral/safety guidelines

• Type/quantity of food within guidelines of health.

• Clothing styles within guidelines of modesty.

• Music style within guideline of morally acceptable content.

Discuss frequently and often the moral/safety guidelines, and have child make choices within guidelines, or explain choices within guidelines.


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2.3 Planning and Good Habits Prevent Problems

Some structure is required to successfully run a family.

Good planning and good habits can prevent many problems

that families face. It is a waste of time to have to spend time

and effort correcting problems that did not need to happen in

the first place.

Routines for daily life activities are a key to establishing

regularity and ensuring everyone understands their role in the

activity. Routines to start with are bedtime, morning, and

mealtime. Routines are not rigid and inflexible, but they do

provide guidance so you do not have to make it up as you go.

Other important plans to have in place involve location

and management of important daily items such as keys, cell

phones, and homework. If your family has trouble locating

these items, set up a planned routine. Make sure there are one

or two defined locations for these items and be sure to create

habits to put them there all the time. Examples include:

• Car keys go on the hook in the kitchen

• The cell phone is always in Mom’s purse or on the cell

phone charger


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• Homework is always completed the night before and

returned to the backpack which is setting by the back

door ready to go to school.

Once these habits are established, there will be a reduction in

the frantic, time consuming, tension creating searches and

emergencies that create friction and reduce the joy of family

life.


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2.4 Deal with Mistakes and Move On

Effective families have pre-established guidelines for

dealing with rules violations and bad behaviors. All family

members will do unacceptable things from time to time, so plan

for it. The general guidelines should be well communicated

within the family, or posted within the family contract, so

everyone knows what will happen.

Remember, the purpose of dealing with rules violations

and unacceptable behavior is to keep the behavior from

repeating and restore the person IN LOVE. This is called

admonishment. Avoid pure punishment, which is focused on

venting anger and causing the offender pain. Punishment is

often not in love and it leaves out key steps involved with full

closure of the issue and restoration of the individual.

Complaining, fussing, or nagging about a unacceptable

behavior is not correction for the behavior. In fact, complaining,

fussing, and nagging do not show respect to the person to

whom they are directed and should be listed in the family

contract is unacceptable behaviors. A better way to address

unacceptable behavior is to start factually, discussing the

behavior and not making general comments about the nature of

the person doing the behavior.


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There is a 7-step Biblically-based process for

admonishment. If any of these steps is not accomplished, then

the process is not complete.

1. Accountability. Yes, I did it.

2. Responsibility. Yes, my actions caused harm.

3. A change of heart. I am sorry.

4. Seeking forgiveness. Please forgive me.

5. Consequences. There are consequences and

penalties even if the repentance is sincere. These

can include restitution, revocation of certain

privileges, performing required activities, or other

consequences appropriate for the situation.

6. Forgiveness is granted.

7. Restoration is complete.

Once the restoration is complete, the family should

move on and as much as possible, stop referring to the

incident. Repeatedly bringing up the incident indicates that the

child is still being penalized and has not been restored to a fully

forgiven status. Holding grudges is not Biblical and greatly

damages family relationships and the child being penalized.

It is expected that parents will notice patterns of

behavior, including repeated violations of specific rules.

Parents are expected to take steps to address the repeated


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rules violations IN LOVE, while not repeatedly or publicly

referring to the incident.

The parents or adults in the family need to be

accountable to the rules for their own violations and bad

behaviors. This includes apologizing and making restitution if

appropriate. Do not misuse apologies to cover “parent guilt”

about enforcing the rules with your children. You should NOT

apologize to your children about enforcing the rules; since this

implies that you really don’t agree with the rules and that the

rules are somehow inappropriate or harsh. Remember, you

need to model the behavior you expect from them.


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2.5 Have Fun – It Is Part of Life’s Balance

Families should not be so concerned about doing

activities that they forget one of the key components to any

successful team is to have fun together. Laughter and

relaxation and pleasant memories are all a part of God’s plan

for families. Some people have the personality to more easily

find fun in their daily lives. Whether or not this describes you,

as the parent, you can decide to have fun and set your mind to

make it happen.

Get rid of any attitudes or behaviors that detract from

the fun of life. Attitudes such as bitterness, anger, and

complaining do not add anything positive to the family and

need to be put aside so you can focus on things that will move

you toward the Biblical family goals you have set. As a parent,

you have enough responsibilities and do not need to waste

time and energy with bad attitudes that just hurt yourself and

those around you. Don’t indulge in bad attitudes and don’t

allow your kids to waste time with bad attitudes that will prevent

their success in life.

Successful families know that “quality family time” must

not become an excuse or cover for lack of “quantity” or length

of time together. Young children equate “love” to “spending

time” and will reflexively love the person or people with whom


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they spend the most time. With older children, time spent

watching the child participate in an activity or event is important

in that it shows support and interest, but should not be the only

time spent together. This is because the parent being a

spectator is not the same thing as the family interacting

together. Thinking that only special events are family “quality

time” is a trap that discounts the relationship building and role

modeling of just spending time together.

Having “quality, quantity” time is best, but will not

happen without deciding to do it and planning. Be sure

vacations and family trips are planned far in advance so

everyone can adjust their schedules to attend. Schedule some

“unscheduled” time for just being together such as relaxing in

the backyard or taking a “road trip” by driving across town just

to get a snack.

Sometimes the best fun times together are not

structured activities or trips/vacations. Studies show that adults

remember and value childhood memories and traditions more

than gifts or specific activities. Set up fun traditions, especially

around birthdays and holidays. Find humor in small things as

well as large planned events. Remember to have fun without

making fun of people.


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Some guidelines for having fun:

DO Have special traditions around the birthday

celebrations, such as each child picking their

own flavor of birthday cake.

DO Think of activities you enjoyed as a child

DO Try board games, charades, guessing games

DO Consider physical activity such as riding bikes,

playing outside, dancing

DO Let the children suggest ideas for a fun time –

your may be surprised how simple it is

DO Make sure everyone is involved, not some doing

and some watching

DO Make everyday activities and chores fun

DON’T Make fun of people’s mistakes

DON’T Make fun of people’s race, religion,

language/accent, appearance, or other personal

attributes

DON’T Make fun time complicated or expensive


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2.6 Behaviors of Empowered Families – Summary

• Set family and individual goals for accomplishments and

fun and write them down.

• Set family rules of behavior and write them down along with

corrections that will happen for infractions.

• Control decisions by putting them into categories and have

guidelines for how to act in each category. Then when the

situation arises, the decision is already made.

• Families need to spend time together - quality and quantity

time.

• Plan ahead and create good habits for daily routines to

prevent problems before they start.

• Require sincere apologies and have a path to full

restoration of the relationship.

• God wants us to enjoy our everyday life, so we should look

for fun and plan for fun.


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Section 3 – Tools for Daily Living

3.1 Schedules – How to Manage Time

Effective families manage their schedules, and don’t let

the schedules manage them. Be diligent to evaluate

commitments before family members make them. Since your

goal is to raise responsible adults, it is important that

commitments are kept once they are made.

Families are much more than a collection of individuals,

and each commitment affects the family unit. Evaluate each

commitment (especially the reoccurring ones) against 2 criteria:

1) Does the commitment support a life outcome or

developmental goal for the individual?

2) What is the impact of the commitment on the

family unit?

Exercise your parental right to set limits on the number

and nature of outside commitments family members make. For

example, limit extracurricular activities to 1 or 2 at a time.

Balance, priorities, and focus are important behaviors to

establish in your children. Require family time to balance

outside activities. Explain that limits on outside activities are

due to constraints such as time and money. When they are

adults, your children will have to face these constraints in their


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own lives, so teach them now how to handle them

appropriately. Encourage focus by assisting them to select

activities based upon goals, interests, or abilities.

Have a central family calendar to post appointments

where all family members can see or access it. Keep it up to

date. Be sure to plan ahead and schedule family events, such

as vacations or family outings, as early as possible.

Require time for family togetherness and schedule it on

the calendar. Review the schedule with the family members

frequently, at least once a week, to ensure everyone

understands the schedule and plans are made for appropriate

transportation.

The most important thing about family scheduling is to

DO IT. Without central planning and limitations, the family can

become frantic with activities and commitments. This creates

stress in everyone’s lives, damaging relationships and the

health of family members. “Over commitment” means “under

performance and limited enjoyment” for each of the activities

you attempt.

When the family is over committed, you as the parent

give away your right and responsibility to raise and educate

your own children as other influences take your place in their

lives. So use your schedule as a communication tool as well

as a control tool to maintain family stability.


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3.2 Organization – Conquer the Clutter

Some family members have natural tendencies to be

more organized than others. Be aware that too much clutter

and disorganization is a great waster of time, energy, and

money. Excessive levels of disorganization also create

unnecessary levels of tension. Effective families set minimum

standards for organization and clutter management.

Exercise your parental rights to set minimum standards

for cleanliness for the entire house, including the children’s

bedrooms. Basic rules may include:

• No clothes on the floor (clean or dirty)

• Floor walkways must be kept clear

• All dishes not in use belong in the kitchen

Basic rules can be set and enforced with a quick daily

walk through inspection of rooms in the house. The few

minutes spent by each family member to walk the dishes to the

kitchen, or toss the dirty clothes into the hamper will not be

missed during the daily routine. But the large amounts of time

spent searching for lost items, making last minute clothing

repairs or ironing, or replacing lost items can be hard on the

nerves and costly to the pocketbook.

Set a goal that the house is always within 15 minutes of

having company. This means that you could entertain


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unexpected guests with a small amount of picking up and a

quick vacuum of the main house area. If the house takes

longer than that to put in order, make some proactive changes

to your house cleaning schedules and house clutter rules.


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3.3 Chores – Everyone is Responsible

Who should do chores? How to avoid the complaining?

Are chores just for Mom and Dad?

Chores should be everyone’s responsibility, adjusted for

age and capability. Even if there is a parent or nanny with time

to perform all the chores – DON’T. Vacations and temporary

periodic retreats are realistically the only times that chores can

be avoided in life. Don’t run “Mom and Dad’s resort and taxi

service”. Remember, your end goal is to raise responsible

children that will be able to handle their own personal

responsibilities by the time they are 18.

Start by setting the expectation that children will have

chores to perform all their life, and start young. Chores are a

reality of life, neither good nor bad, they just exist. So help

your children have a realistic attitude towards chores starting

as young as walking age or before. Chores such as

housecleaning, laundry, dishes, and yard work should be

shared by all family members in an age-appropriate manner.

Have a specific set of chore responsibilities assigned to

each family member. Write them in the family contract or on a

page by the family planning calendar. Written tasks are easier

to remember and less likely to be contested by family

members.


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Have an established process for adjusting the chore list

and stick to it. Adjust the chore list periodically to

accommodate children’s growing capabilities and changing life

situations. For example, update chore lists on New Years or

the child’s birthday. Each Saturday when the chore is due is

NOT the time to discuss or adjust the chore list. If a need

comes up to change the chore list between annual updates,

(such as the child begins an extracurricular activity that takes

that time slot) make the child suggest alternate times when

they can complete the chore. Remember, the chore is their

responsibility to perform so it is their responsibility to help with

solutions.

Examples of age specific chores appropriate for children:

Age 0-3

Give sippy cup to Mom/Dad.

Put spoon on dish and wipe hands when done eating.

Put toys in toy box when done.

Age 3-5

Sort their dirty clothes by putting whites in white pillowcase,

colored in colored pillowcase, darks in the dark pillowcase.

Pick up toys after play.

Put their dirty dishes on counter by sink after eating.


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Help with picking up trash/leaves from yard.

Help with gardening and watering plants.

Age 6-10 (school age)

Lay out school clothes the night before.

Keep school backpacks/supplies is assigned locations.

Keep rooms clean, pickup as well as dusting.

Putting away their own clean laundry in assigned storage

places.

Unload dishwasher/dry dishes/put away clean dishes.

Perform yard work such as hoeing/weeding, raking, sweeping

sidewalks.


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3.4 Tools for Daily Living - Summary • Manage the schedule and don’t let it manage you.

• Require parental permission before commitments are

made.

• Write the schedule down in an easy-to-see place in the

house.

• Review the schedule at least each week with all family

members.

• Require a minimal level of cleanliness and

organization in your family.

• Conquer the clutter and avoid the frantic searches.

• Chores are for everyone of every age.


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Speaker & Consultant Darla Otto is a professional speaker and consultant who provides Biblically-based teachings to mature the body of Christ to fulfill the call of God upon their lives.

• She conducts parenting seminars to help parents make practical and immediate improvements in their family dynamics.

• She is a guest speaker and lecturer at Christian universities addressing leadership, business management, organizational design, and diversity.

• She teaches a women’s Bible study in Tulsa.

• She is the Director of Grace-Ability, the disabilities ministry at her church.

Business Experience Darla Otto is a professional businesswoman with over 23 years of proven success in business consulting, business outsourcing, and information technology. She has been an associate partner with a worldwide Big-6 consulting firm and had global leadership responsibilities. She has developed her leadership experience in small companies as well as Fortune 500 companies and on a $1 billion consulting project.

Contact Darla Otto for speaking or consulting engagements at [email protected]

Parenting FundamentalsThis handbook is packed with solid, no-nonsense advice on how to approach and implement Biblical parenting skills that set your children on the track to success in life.

It all starts with you, the parent, knowing your place and responsibility in the family, and exercising your authority in love to create an environment that fosters the growth of positive behaviors in your children.

Learn basic behaviors of empowered families, such as:

how to focus on what is importanthow to simplify the decision-making processhow to develop healthy family habitshow to restore relationshipshow to focus on fun and build it into everyday life

Learn quick and easy ways to address the family’s basic needs for effective scheduling, organization, and managing chores.

•••••

This handbook is the companion guide to the “Common Sense Parenting Seminar” presented by Darla Otto.

www.TheAdventGroup.org

Documents

Common Sense Parenting Handbook · Common Sense Parenting Handbook Available at DarlaOtto.com 2 T he A dvent G roup This handbook is the companion guide to the “Common Sense Parenting