Central Mature 6-21

A Special Section Focusing On Mind and Spirit

Personal relationshipsAge, health,family can

hinder growth,get in the way

BY EMILY HEDGESCONTRIBUTING WRITER

When Boyd Phelps, 88, of Eden Prairiemarried his wife, Shirley, on Sept. 11, 1948,he knew he had found the love of his life.For almost 60 years the couple livedtogether, raised two children, and facedwhatever challenges came their way. Butafter Shirley passed away, for the firsttime since Harry Truman was in office,Phelps experienced what it was to bealone.

“I was just watching TV, nothing butwatching TV. I could tell you every pro-gram on every night of the week,” he said.“I started thinking there’s got to be moreto life than this.”

Phelps decided to start getting out. Hebegan by contacting old friends. One ofthe first people he called was Carol, a

Relationships: To page 11

Boyd and Carol

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In the Community, With the Community, For the Community www.MinnLocal.com – Thursday, June 22, 2012– Mature Lifestyles 3

BY EMILY HEDGESCONTRIBUTING WRITER

How do you mourn someone whois physically here, but psychological-ly absent? How do you accept thatyou can no longer do all the normalactivities that you’re used to? How doyou find companionship when youare all alone? These are some of thequestions that Minnetonka therapistDr. Jody Grande of Hope Allianzfaces daily with her aging clients.

The New Hope resident began herpractice in Minnetonka in 2003 witha focus on family care giving, some-thing she became interested in whilein graduate school. After writing herdissertation on families living withmental illness, she realized howmuch need there was, and how much“ambiguous loss” played into lifeexperiences.

While in school, Grande was heav-ily influenced by the work of PaulineBoss, professor of family and socialscience at the University ofMinnesota, who is known for herground-breaking research on the the-ory of ambiguous loss. In her bookAmbiguous Loss: Learning to Livewith Unresolved Grief, she explainsthat ambiguous loss is associatedwith a lack of closure, such as a fam-ily member with Alzheimer’s dis-ease.

Dr. Grande sees ambiguous lossfrequently when working with herolder clients, who make up approxi-mately one-quarter of her practice.

“I see ambiguous loss as the lossof ability to do what we once did,”said Dr. Grande. “With ambiguousloss, there are no rituals to follow.With death, for example, we have rit-uals.”

Dr. Grande knows about this fromexperience. Married to a man 22 yearsolder than her, the 60-year-old findsherself mourning the aspects of lifethey can no longer share.

“My relationship with my husbandis still there, but we don’t take walks

or travel due to limiting health issuesand limited energy,” she said. “I seethe transitions going on with my hus-band – driving, connecting with peo-ple, cognitivity, memory loss – Ilearned to step back and be patient

with the process.” Part of being patient is the under-

standing of how we all change in sim-ilar ways with each passing decade,according to Grande.

“We tend to ask ourselves similar

questions, ‘what have I done andwhere am I going?’ And as we getolder, “where have we been and howdo we want to end this life?’ come tothe forefront.”

When you add loneliness to it, sheunderstands that life can be extreme-ly difficult for her older clients.

That’s why Dr. Grande says she isopen to spending a little extra timewith her older clients.

“They are lonely, and I am here. Isee how important that is to myclients. I do see more of that need theolder the client is.”

She sees many reasons for loneli-ness. Sometimes families don’t liveclose by, or they don’t want to botherthem.

“They need to wake up and notfeel depressed. They need youngerfriends, and they need exercise,” shesaid. “Basically they need someoneto talk to.”

She recalls visiting an assistedliving center with her mother andmeeting an elderly woman whoseemed to embody the lonelinessthat she frequently sees in her prac-tice.

“One dear lady introduced her-self. She was so excited she couldhardly contain herself. She said,“Your mother could live across thehall from me. We could be bestfriends.’”

Dr. Grande hopes to expand herpractice to include life skills trainingwhich would focus on building theskills necessary to flourish at thistime of life.

“Our population is aging and weneed to step back and manage howwe think about it,” she said. “Indoing research on what’s out there, Ihave realized that opportunities arelimited.”

For more information on HopeAllianz, go to www.hopeallianz.com.For more information on localresources for seniors and caregivers,go to www.seniorcommunityser-vices.org.

‘Ambiguous loss’ can weigh heavilyon older individuals

Dr. Jody Grande


Crystal woman finds joy in her artBY EMILY HEDGES

CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Fabric painter Judi Jacobson’smedium changed the day a car ran ared light and slammed into her dri-ver’s side door almost killing her.

It would take time to return toher craft, but when she did, shefound her canvas had narrowed. Herbroad strokes of color had becomefine lines of detail. Her art hadmoved from a focus on aestheticimpact, to a celebration of life’streasured moments.

Before the accident, Judi and afriend began a business custompainting large area rugs.

“My girlfriend and I were lookingfor something to do with our time.We had been stay-at-home moms,but the kids were older. We decidedto give it a shot,” said the 58-year-oldCrystal resident.

In the first year, a builder com-missioned them to create an entryrug for a $300,000 house to be fea-tured in the Parade of Homes.

“Being a new business, wethought, ‘Wow, someone likes whatwe’re doing.’ It was a feather in ourcap.”

Unfortunately, Judi’s accident inAugust of 1996 cut their successshort.

“That was a very trying time forall of us. I felt horrible for the peo-ple who had to watch me go throughit,” she said. “I have no pain now. Ijust have recovered better than Iever expected, or anyone expected.I’m just happy about living.”

Although Judi healed quickly, herdesire to paint took longer to return.

“My partner went on to do otherthings because I was not up to paint-ing,” she said. “It took a whilebefore I felt like picking up a brushagain.”

One of the first pieces she wasinspired to do was a wall hanging

for the physical therapy departmentthat she credits with getting herback on her feet. From there, she

found she no longer had the desireto paint large, abstract rugs.Instead, she narrowed her work to

small objects like pillows, apronsand wall hangings. Rather than cre-ating her own designs, she foundthat she most enjoyed recreatingartwork from special event invita-tions.

“I copy like nobody’s business,”she said. “Tracing was my favoritething to do as a kid. I loved coloringin the lines.”

After almost 15 years, her custompieces are in demand when clientsneed a memorable gift, most oftenfor weddings, bar mitzvahs, andhousewarmings.

“I can duplicate the font from awedding invitation, or even recreatea picture of a house for a house-warming gift,” she said. “I reallyenjoy fine, detailed fabric painting.”

When Judi has time to createpieces for herself, she says she’sdrawn to the color red.

“I love bright colors, although Idon’t always get to pick the color formy custom work,” she said. “In myhouse I do a lot with reds, and someblack and white.”

Two years ago, one of her pieces,a zebra face on black suede, wasaccepted in a juried competitionheld at the Plymouth CommunityCenter. Although she didn’t win, shefelt honored to have been included.In fact, these days, Judi just feelshonored to be doing any of thethings she once took for granted.

“I shouldn’t have lived throughthe accident. Sixteen years later, Iwake up every day, happy to be upwith my feet on the floor, happy towalk, happy for what I can do at endof the day. I’m just happy.”

She feels this gratitude thestrongest when she finds herself ather own special occasions.

“Dancing at my kids’ weddings.Playing with my sweetest littlegrandson. I cherish every day I have.It’s truly given me a new perspectiveon life.”

Serious auto accident fosters a great appreciation for everyday living

Judi Jacobson


Long-term care insuranceWhat is it? Do you need it?

With 70 million baby boomers hittingretirement age, there has been a surge insales of long-term care insurance. Long-term care insurance pays for your care inmany settings, such as at home, a nurs-ing home, assisted living facility, or adultday care should you suffer from an ill-ness or injury.

Sounds like something only older peo-ple need to worry about, right?

Wrong. According to insurance industry

sources, about 40 percent of long-termcare recipients are between the ages of 18and 64. So if you’ve heard about long-term care insurance and thought, “Idon’t need that because I’m still young,”

there are other considerations. A debilitating injury could affect you

at any age, say the experts at theMinnesota Society of CPAs. With healthcare costs predicted to continue toincrease rapidly in the foreseeablefuture, you may want to investigate long-term care insurance to protect yourassets and help pay for your care withoutdepleting your – or your loved ones’ – lifesavings.

What is long-term care insurance?Long-term care insurance covers care

that isn’t typically covered by your tradi-tional health insurance, Medicare orMedicaid. Long-term care insurancekicks in when you are beyond being“sick” in the traditional sense and can nolonger perform at least two of the six“activities of daily living” (ADLs):bathing, dressing, eating, transferring,toileting and continence.

Long-term care insurance isn’t thesame thing as nursing home care. While

care may be received at a nursing home,it can also be used at an assisted livingfacility, adult day care, or even in yourown home.

It may sound like long-term care insur-ance is the same as Medicaid, but the twoare very different. Long-term care insur-ance is a policy you purchase to be surethat your needs are met in the way youwould like them to be while Medicaidprovides medically necessary servicesfor people with limited resources.Medicaid typically doesn’t cover long-term care in your home or a private roomin a facility. It’s important for you to con-sider how you would like to have yourneeds addressed should you need long-term care.

What should you purchase?Policies, benefits and premiums vary.

Determine your wants and needs firstand then look for a policy that fits yoursituation. Purchasing sooner ratherthan later will likely be less expensive.

Currently, the most popular type of long-term care insurance is a tax qualifiedpolicy, which requires that a person 1) beexpected to require care for at least 90days, and be unable to perform two ormore ADLs; or 2) for at least 90 days, needsubstantial assistance due to a severecognitive impairment. Benefits from atax qualified policy are non-taxable.

Non-tax qualified plans used to be thetraditional long-term care insurance. Itoften includes a “trigger” called a “med-ical necessity” trigger. This means thatthe patient’s own doctor, or that doctor inconjunction with someone from theinsurance company, can state that thepatient needs care for any medical rea-son and the policy will pay. The TreasuryDepartment has not clarified the statusof benefits received under a non-quali-fied long-term care insurance plan. Thismeans that it is possible that individuals

Long-term Care: To page 9

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Bob: Compassion is what you are feeling.Our nursing staff and volunteers are especiallydrawn to hospice due to their compassionatenature. No amount of training can providecompassion, it comes from within. We carelovingly for patients of all ages who are inneed of end of life services…special care…delivered with dignity, integrity and respect,by highly skilled nurses.

Family: My mother tells me that it is along wait when she tries to call for help at thenursing home. What can I expect at LittleHospice?

Bob: Call lights are our priority at LittleHospice, 20 seconds is the average wait. Wewant our patients to know that their comfortis foremost in our minds. Even a bumped calllight is not a concern…it is a way for us to leta patient know that we are here to servethem. Of course they are comforted whenthey see us come into their room immediate-ly…we want them to know that we care.

Family: I am concerned about taking careof my wife at home, it is getting very difficult.

Bob: When you bring your wife here, youcan let the nurses be the caregivers who willattend to her physical needs…now you canvisit with her and just be her husband...spending those final precious days at her side.Our Little Hospice is staffed with nurses, nurs-ing aids, volunteers, full-time cook, grief sup-port and other helpful personnel. At any houryou will find at least two nurses at the hospiceand actively caring for your loved one. You arealways welcome to be here or call and speakto a nurse at any time. We care.

Family: How soon can I get a bed for myhusband at Little Hospice?

Bob: We can have your husband herequickly. Normally a bed is available within oneor two days.

Bob: A good ending to a great life is anexperience we all desire. You will find LittleHospice is the place that removes the burdenof care from you and puts the focus on yourloved one living each day to the fullest, freefrom pain and discomfort.

Family Conversations withBob Solheim, Little Hospice DirectorN.C. Little Memorial Hospice

Little Hospice will provide tender, loving hospice(or respite) care for your terminally ill loved one.

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“We continually receive compliments about our loving, compassionate,

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The Little Hospice, operating in your community for over 15 years,is a Minnesota licensed non-profit, 501 (c)(3) private pay hospice.

E m e r g e n c y A d m i s s i o n s A va i l a b l e


New Brighton woman’s book describes her journey with GodBY EMILY HEDGES

CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Shirley Shumaker’s (85) life can bedivided into two phases: before Aug. 22,1964 and everything after. On that Fridayafternoon, her husband came home andtold her he was leaving. He said if thingsdidn’t work out, he’d be back. Then hekissed her on the cheek and walked outthe door.

The agnostic, stay-at-home, mother ofthree simply got up, walked into her bed-room, and shut the door. What happenednext would define the rest of her life andstart her down the path of writing.

In the book she would publish 24 yearslater, Overtaken By Love: Growing inSpiritual Intimacy, Shumaker describesthat fateful day:

“I walked into the bedroom and lookedat the eastern sky. Suddenly I feltimmersed in love, and somehow I knew itwas God. Then I felt a deep sense thateverything was going to be alright.”

Although raised a Catholic, Shumakersays she thought of God as more the “oldman in the sky” than a real presence. Butafter that defining moment of feelingGod’s closeness, she led a different sort of

life, although she admits it didn’t keepher from worrying about the future with-out her husband.

“I became a Christian, but I was also asingle motherwith no job andthree children,”she said. “Butthe words, theLord wouldopen the door,brought mecomfort.”

Over the nextphase of herlife, Shumakerfound the rightjob and theright home justwhen she needed it. At the same time, hersearch for spiritual understanding ledher into what she would later character-ize in her book as “occult.” It was duringthis time, she began to write, producingher first manuscript.

She writes in Overtaken By Love, “Itwas returned to me by the publisher andthat rejection was used of God to moti-vate me to destroy my stack of occultwriting … I tore everything into shreds

and stuffed the mound of torn paper intothe same trash bag in which I’d tossedthe occult books.”

Shumaker didn’t give up on her writ-ing. Over theyears, she pro-duced a grow-ing pile of per-sonal journalsand essays thatlater formedthe basis ofOvertaken ByLove. She start-ed working onher book inearnest afterretiring in herlate 60s, com-

pleting it in her 70s. “I started writing when I found some-

thing in the scriptures that spoke to me,”she said. She shared her writing withfriends and family. Their positiveresponse encouraged her to continue.Union Life magazine published two ofher articles in 1987 and 1991.

“It was a holy spirit-led operation. I’dsit and write, and if the Holy Spirit was-n’t speaking to me in my heart, I’d quit

for a few days. A book gradually devel-oped.”

By 2008 she had a complete, 24-chaptermanuscript published by Zulon press, aself-publisher for Christian authors.

“I bought copies and distributed themto friends and family,” she said. “I’m alsoin the process of trying to get Barnes &Noble to carry it.”

For Shumaker, it’s all about sharingthe message of God’s love with those whohunger for a closer relationship withHim. She writes in the synopsis found onthe back of the book: “We are living cellsin the body of Christ; living stones in Histemple; lights in the world and livingepistles for all to read. May the HolySpirit sprinkle the diamond dust of reve-lation throughout; heavenly fragmentsthat will cling to the fingers which turnthe pages while He quickens the heartand confirms His unconditional, unwa-vering love toward every son and daugh-ter.”

Shumaker currently lives in NewBrighton near her three children Lori,Greg and Steve, and two grandchildrenConnor and Fallon. Overtaken By Love:Growing in Spiritual Intimacy may bepurchased at Amazon.com.

‘It was a holy spirit-led operation. I’d sit and write, and if the Holy Spirit wasn’t

speaking to me in my heart, I’d quit for a few days. A book

gradually developed.’

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EMILY HEDGESCONTRIBUTING WRITER

Kevin Sweeney, 51, of Lakeville doesn’tthink of himself as much different than theaverage person. Everyone has obstacles toovercome in life, and he is no exception.

But most people would agree that hisobstacles are anything but average. Whilevolunteering at the Jaycees dunk tank dur-ing the 1996 Pan-O-Prog festival in

Lakeville, Sweeney fell off the back andwas paralyzed from the neck down.

Suddenly, the auto mechanic, part-timeVFW bartender, and avid softball playerhad to invent a whole new life.

“With an obstacle you have to go over,around or through it,” he said. “You have toadapt to what you have to do and do it.”

The first thing he put his mind to wasregaining as much movement as possible.

“They say that what feelings and move-

ments you’ve got after one year is whatyou’ll have, but I disagree completely,” hesaid.

Sweeney began to watch people aroundhim that could do things he wanted to do.

“I studied babies and kids, how theylearned to get up off the ground,” he said.“I observed others in their everyday activi-ties they take for granted. Now I can movemy hands and I have started walking with awalker some. I refused to let things stopme.”

Sweeney is limited in his hand usage, buthe has adaptive equipment that helps him

hold a telephone and drive his van. He saysthat when he’s in his chair, he doesn’t feeldisabled because he can go where he wantsto.

“I just always look on the high side ofthings. What other people are doing, to anextent, that’s what I want to do. I’ve beenparasailing. I mow my own lawn. I do weedwhipping and drive an adapted motorcycle.I never look back. I just keep looking for-ward.”

The next challenge Sweeney took on was


Lakeville man refuses to let paralysis keep him from living

Kevin Sweeney graduated from Dakota Technical College with honors. The 51-year-old Lakeville resident hopesto find a job working for a small business.

Relationships: To next page

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how to make a living. But the active people-person wasn’t interested in just busy work.

“I wanted to find a position in today’ssociety where I could fit in,” he said.“Sitting around stuffing envelopes isn’t mycup of tea.”

Although Sweeney already held a bache-lor’s degree in science from the Universityof Wisconsin-Stout, he felt he lacked theappropriate education and experience toland the one thing he now required – a deskjob. He started to look around the area foreducational possibilities. When he saw thatDakota Technical College offered two-yeardegrees with evening and online courses,he knew it was just the program he waslooking for.

“This made it easy for someone likemyself. I could do much of it online,” hesaid.

This past May Sweeney graduated withhonors. He earned a management for tech-nical professionals degree. He also earnedan accounting clerk diploma and a qualityimprovement certificate. He estimates thathe devoted 20 hours per week studying,spending about 80 percent of his time in theclassroom and 20 percent online.

Now he hopes to find a new career, per-haps with a small business.

“I can manage and organize. I havefinesse with numbers. I just want to find aplace that will give me a chance to showwhat I can do,” he said.

Instructors like Harold Torrence, ScottGunderson, Patti Wiegand and others atDakota Technical College certainly got thechance.

“Regardless of any possible limitations,you can always see Kevin inspiring andmotivating fellow students to move forwardwith their dream,” said Torrence. “He hasthe ability to build strong and lastinghuman relationships with a compassionateleadership style. His personal story is morethan inspirational.”

Sweeney found his instructors to be justas inspirational for him.

“They gave me wonderful ideas, enthusi-asm and confidence to continue learning.They sought out opportunities to help meand taught me how times are changing so Ican adapt,” he said.

One of Sweeney’s class projects was to

give a speech to his classmates and hedecided to give it on handicap awareness.But overall, he says he was the one who didthe learning from his classmates, especial-ly the foreign students.

“Seeing how they adapted to the UnitedStates was amazing,” he said. “It was sort ofthe same thing I was doing – learning tofunction in a new culture.”

Sweeney views his challenge in changingcareers as a common one in today’s eco-nomic climate, especially for baby boomersand seniors.

“My story is related to how all peoplehave to change. Look at businesses that areclosing, laying off, and downsizing. Ifyou’re one of those workers, you’ll have tolearn to do something else. This is wherebaby boomers are coming in. Companiesare getting rid of older workers, so theyhave to go back to school to learn technolo-gy to get back up to date.”

Sweeney knows from experience that itcan be daunting entering a classroom forthe first time in decades, but he encouragesother older students not to let it stop them.

“Don’t be afraid to step in the limelight ofschool. Your brain can adapt and learnagain,” he said. “Keep an open mind andlook forward. If there is something youwant to do, go for it.”

Institutions like Dakota TechnicalCollege make it easier than ever for olderstudents to feel comfortable and get theeducation they need. For more informa-tion, call 651-423-8301, or go towww.dctc.edu.


who receive benefits under a non-quali-fied long-term care insurance policy riskfacing a large tax bill for these benefits.

Long-term care insurance rates aredetermined by six main factors: the per-son’s age, the daily (or monthly) benefit,how long the benefits pay, the elimina-tion period, inflation protection, and thehealth rating (preferred, standard, sub-standard).

The National Association of InsuranceCommissioners advises against purchas-ing long-term care insurance if you cur-

rently receive or may soon receiveMedicaid benefits.

Long-term care insurance can beexpensive. Shop around, find a policythat suits your needs, check the compa-ny’s reputation, and don’t be rushed intopurchasing something that isn’t right foryou.

It’s natural to not want to think aboutbeing incapacitated to the point that youcan’t take care of yourself, but prepara-tion and planning are key to protectingyour well-being and your assets, accord-ing to the MNCPA. Long-term care insur-ance can be part of your comprehensivetax and estate planning.

To find a CPA, consultmncpa.org/referral to locate one in yourarea.

Long-term CareContinued from page 5

Kevin Sweeney credits instructors like Harold Torrence (left) and Scott Gunderson for much of his success atDakota Technical College.

SweeneyContinued from previous page

Do you have a story/experience where today’stechnology has had a positive impact on your life?

If so, we want to talk to you for our August issue, which will focus on technology.

Please contact Krista Jech at 952-392-6835 or [email protected]

MATUREA Special Section on

Active Adults

2 0 1 2


Helping elderly parents or relatives from afarToday’s families are more geographical-

ly diverse than ever before. Whereas it wasonce common for families to remain in thesame city or state for generations, nowa-days families routinely spread out acrossthe country if not the world. Thanks totechnological advancements that make iteasier than ever before to stay in touch,families today can still thrive and stayclose even if they live hundreds, if notthousands, of miles away from one anoth-er.

One issue facing many families that havechosen to spread out is how to help Momand Dad when they reach the age wherethey need their adult childrens’ help.While this wasn’t a problem for the fami-lies of yesteryear, it is a genuine concernfor adults who live far away from their par-ents. Fortunately there are ways to bethere for your elderly parents even whenyou can’t physically be there for them.

* Speak to your parents about what theyneed. While some parents might not beable to realistically assess their needs, chil-dren should speak to their parents when

making decisions about their care. Adultswho live far away from their parents mightnot know exactly what Mom and Dad need,so discuss the problems they might be hav-ing on a day-to-basis to determine the levelof care or assistance they will need.

* Examine finances. Managing money isoften difficult for seniors who have had anaccident or are dealing with a serious med-ical condition. Seniors might forget to paybills or be struggling to manage moneywith the escalating costs of prescriptionmedications and health care in general.

To help avoid missed bills, adult childrencan utilize online bill paying offered bymany banks, wherein bills are automati-cally paid each month on their due date bysimply being deducted from a givenaccount. Adult children can also consult afinancial advisor to develop a plan thatallows seniors access to their money whileensuring it will still be there when theyneed it.

* Research community resources. Manycommunities provide adequate resourcesfor the elderly who might be incapacitated

or otherwise need assistance. Programssuch as Meals on Wheels can be a greatassistance to long-distance caregivers con-cerned about their elderly parents.Residents of the United States can consultwith the Department of Health andHuman Services or visitwww.Eldercare.gov and use their eldercarelocator to find local agencies designed tohelp older persons and their familiesaccess community-based services includ-ing transportation, meal delivery andhomecare.

* Stay in touch with seniors’ physicians.One way to monitor elderly parents fromfar away is to keep in frequent contact withtheir physicians. Discuss the situationwith your parents’ physicians in person,and ask to be kept abreast of any changesin their health that might require alteringtheir daily routines or homecare sched-ules.

For additional tips or information onhelping elderly parents from afar, visit theU.S. Administration on Aging website atwww.aoa.gov.

Making friends after retirementWhen you’re younger, it seems you can’t

wait until retirement. After all, who wantsto deal with going to work every day andcoping with coworkers and a boss?However, many people overlook the oppor-tunities for socialization that working pro-vides. You get out of the house and see peo-ple — apart from your family — withwhom you can converse. Many retireesfind that life can be a bit boring after thejob ends, primarily because they don’thave access to the same level of socializa-tion as they once did.

Making friends can keep you active and

healthy. If you’re a bit rusty in the friend-making department, it’s pretty much howit was when you were younger. You simplymust find individuals who have similarinterests and goals.

* Volunteer in your community andyou’re bound to find potential friends whoare like-minded.

* Take classes at a college or university.Many offer free or discounted rates for sen-iors. This is a great way to meet people ofall ages and walks of life.

* Attend clubs at senior centers or hous-es of worship. It’s likely that there are plen-

ty of other people looking for relation-ships.

* Think about your interests. If you likefishing, sewing or boating, join a club thatcaters to those interests. Others who shareyour hobbies will be there.

* If you’re new to an area, host an open-house party and invite neighbors in forintroductions and some socialization.

* Join a social networking site online.You can connect with people, potentiallyindividuals who live close by.

* Ask existing friends if they have otherfriends to whom they can introduce you.


friend he had known for more than 40years.

“She used to call up every few monthsto see how I was getting along. We start-ed going out together. It was fun to meetonce a week. Then it became twice aweek,” he said.

Boyd’s wife Shirley had gone to highschool with Carol. He played golf withCarol’s husband for decades. The twocouples were even in a dance club foralmost 20 years.

“We always saw each other socially.We went to dinner at each other’s housesas couples,” he remembered.

Now Boyd and Carol take vacationstogether. They particularly love cruises.As of last month, Carol is living in thesame independent living center.

“Under the same roof but not in thesame apartment,” Boyd was quick toadd.

Relationships like the one Boyd andCarol share are important to many sen-iors according to Sandra Grace of

Healing Works in Chaska. But some-times they can be tricky.

“As they age, people want someone tobe there,” said Grace. “They wonder ifthey will find compassion and patiencefrom someone.They worryhow healthissues will limitthem,” she said.

She alsopoints out thatfor many sur-viving spouses,guilt can hindertheir ability tomove on.

“If you had aloving relation-ship with adeep connec-tion, it can bereally hard tomove on and letgo of that,” said Grace. “There’s guiltabout how the children are going to per-ceive it. Will they think they’re not hon-oring the spirit of their mother orfather?”

One of the first things Boyd did was

talk to his daughter. “At first she thought I wanted to talk

to her to tell her I had cancer,” remem-bered Boyd. “It took her a few days to getused to the idea, but she responded in

the affirmativeto the relation-ship.”

Grace saysthat whatgrown childrenthink abouttheir parentsentering a newr e l a t i o n s h i pcan be one ofthe biggestobstacles.

“Kids can bevery threat-ened, especiallyif there is anykind ofwealth,” said

Grace. “They suspect their motivations.”But Grace encourages the children to

see their parent’s new relationships as ablessing.

“Many times their kids are busy. Ifthey are able to find someone, their kids

should be thankful.” So part of her job is to help older

clients move past those feelings of guiltand other barriers that can stand in theway of a successful and healthy newrelationship.

“Sometimes as people become older,they get rigid in their beliefs, routines,family rituals, in their physical sur-roundings,” she said.

The challenge comes in figuring outhow to compromise.

Another concern is attractiveness.Grace finds many clients worry aboutwhether or not they will be attractive toanyone, especially if there are healthissues.

“Hopefully we are more spirituallyattractive, instead of all the materialisttrappings,” said Grace.

It’s this focus on the opportunitiesrather than the limitations of datinglater in life that Grace stresses to herclients.

“If we age gracefully, we have morecompassion, wisdom. We feel lighter,”said Grace. “There is no biological clockticking or career building. During thistime, it’s not about becoming; it’s aboutbeing.”

Relationships

‘If you had a loving relationshipwith a deep connection, it can be really hard to move on andlet go of that. ... There’s guilt

about how the children are goingto perceive it. Will they think

they’re not honoring the spirit oftheir mother or father?’

Continued from page 1

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Lincoln Assassination15 0 Y E A R S L AT E R

Thursday, June 28 at 2:00 pm

5800 St. Croix Ave. North • Golden Valley, MN 55442www.covenantvillageofgoldenvalley.org

CRC does not discriminate pursuant to the Fair Housing Act subject to any exemptions that may apply.

SERVING SENIORS

for 126 years

In 1865, after four bloody years of fighting, the war was finallycoming to an end. No one knew exactly what would happen next. Atthis critical moment when we needed strong leadership, one of thebest presidents we ever had was assassinated and replaced by one whowas, arguably, one of the worst. Yet, we survived, reunited and thrived.But, it could have ended very differently. Join us as we revisit thisturbulent time in U.S. history.

RSVP to Janet Carlyle, 763.732.1525 or email [email protected] Seminar and Refreshments


New to Medicare? If you’ve recently turned 65 or will soonnow is a great time to discover health care that starts with you.

UCare for SeniorsSM offers simple, affordable health care with great benefits like no co-pays for primary care visits, coverage when you travel, and prescription drug, eyewear and dental coverage. You’ll even get to talk to a real person 24/7 when you call customer service. It’s exactly what you’d expect from health care that starts with you.

C Leigh– UCare Member Mendota Heights, MN

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