Brooklyn Nine-Nine Spec- Pug Life

7/22/2019 Brooklyn Nine-Nine Spec- Pug Life

1/30

COLD OPEN

1 INT. POLICE STATION - MORNING

PERALTA, dressed in too tight workout clothes, noisilycracks eggs into a metal bowl at his desk. He raises an eggup like Thors hammer and then sends it down low and sweet,

like Woody Allens Sweet and Lowdown. The entire stationcant help but watch.

Clustered near the window, SANTIAGO, GINA, and BOYLE watchhim intently.

SANTIAGOHes not going to drink it is he?

BOYLEI dont know what hes doing, butwhatever it is, Im scared.

GINAThis is very upsetting. I need tostagram it immediately.

She takes out her phone and snaps pictures. Peralta takestwo eggs, smashes them together, and drops the remains inhis bowl. He flings the egg shell off his hands like LebronJames pre-game celebration, with tiny pieces of shellflying towards the group. He picks up the bowl, takes a deepbreath, and brings it towards his mouth.

SANTIAGO(screaming across the room)

Im putting a stop to this.Peralta!

PERALTAOh, Santiago, I didnt see youthere. You wanna work in?

He puts the bowl down on his desk. Santiago walks towardsit, looks at the foul yellow mush.

SANTIAGOWhat are you doing?

PERALTAJust a little thing called theRocky Balboa Workout. You mighthave heard of it.

Peralta triumphantly puts his leg up on his desk, revealinga whole lotta Samberg.

(CONTINUED)


2/30

CONTINUED: 2.

PERALTAIts okay to be jealous guys. I getit. Its about time some people inthis office start caring abouttheir bodies.

In the corner, TERRY looks at him, his shirt clinging to his

muscly chest like a childs bedspread.

BOYLELooking good Terry!

(then as a whisper)Lightweight.

Terry moves an inch and a button flies off his shirt andhits Peralta in the eye.

PERALTAI meant to do that.

Santiago moves her head away from the bowl.

SANTIAGOThe Rocky Balboa Workout? What, doyou just do the workouts from themovie?

PERALTAMostly.

FLASHBACK TO:

2 MONTAGE OF PERALTAS WORKOUT

Peralta, dressed like Sly Stallone in Rocky, is in many ofthe iconic workout locations of the first movie. The hugeset of stairs, the meat freezer, weirdly, the intimate iceskating rink. However, instead of getting his punch on orhis run on or his misunderstood love on, he drinks raw eggs.Thats the workout. As each scene progresses, its clearthat hes poisoning himself with all these eggs.

END FLASHBACK:

3 INT. POLICE STATION

Peralta picks the bowl up off his desk.

PERALTAYep Santiago, Im pretty hardcore.Now if you dont mind me, culotteseason is right around the cornerand one of us is gonna get a man.Time to get yoked.

(CONTINUED)


3/30

CONTINUED: 3.

He picks up the bowl and downs the entire thing. Everyonegrimaces and grunts. Santiago turns to Boyle, almost readyto puke. Peralta grunts in agony as the filthy yellow massfills his mouth, drips all over his face, clothes, and desk.Victorious, well, as victorious as one can be aftersomething like that, he puts the bowl down and shows his

tongue to the entire room.

SANTIAGOOh my gosh, are you okay?

Peralta raises his arm and makes an unimpressive muscle.

PERALTANever felt better. Good thing Im acop, because these guns aredangerous. Now, time for cardio!

He takes off running, but before he can get anywhere, his

legs give out on him and he crashes into his desk, passedout.

END OF COLD OPEN

ACT I

4 INT. POLICE STATION - MORNING

Peralta, Gina, and Santiago type into their respectiveterminals. Terry, weirdly, stands frozen in the middle ofthe room, sweating.

CAPTAIN HOLT walks out of his office. He has his head in afile and doesnt notice Terry standing in the middle of thefloor. He bumps into him, tries to get around.

HOLTDetective Jeffords, do you mindmoving? Im trying to get through.

From his desk, Peralta walks towards him.

PERALTAId say Terr Bear has about anotherfive to ten minutes of shock leftin him.

HOLTWhat? Terry are you alright? Do youneed an ambulance.

(CONTINUED)


4/30

CONTINUED: 4.

GINAHes gonna need a lot more thanthat.

HOLTWhy, whats going on?

TERRY(terrified)

Hes here.

Terry, like the Tin Man, slowly raises his arm and points tothe front desk. As he does this he lets out a high pitchedsqueal that is a mixture of fear and ultra fear. It soundslike a puppys cry.

Across the room, near the front desk, is Boyle, Diaz, andJOEL (8) a little Hispanic boy with glasses. Theyre talkingto an official behind the desk.

HOLTThe little boy? Why in the worldare you scared of a-

Terry shushes him.

TERRY(whispering)

Quiet. Hell hear you.

Joel turns around in the very distant room and faces Holt,stares at him. He then looks at Terry and violently takes

his thumb and motions to slitting his throat. Terry yelpsand runs off.

HOLT...oh my.

PERALTAThat little boy over there is Diaznephew. His names Joel, but reallyhes a man of many names. To some,he is Warlord, to others, hesSpiderman 2, and to others, well,we are in the company of ladies soI shall abstain.

SANTIAGOHes a monster captain. Hes anunstoppable monster. Hes like Diazbut littler and thats not a goodthing.

(CONTINUED)


5/30

CONTINUED: 5.

HOLTAnd whats Terrys problem withhim?

PERALTAJoel has the power to do what noman on this planet can do. Impose

his physical will on Jeffords, sir.

HOLTYoure telling me that this littleboy manages to bully DetectiveJeffords? Thats impossible.

FLASHBACK TO:

5 INT.POLICE STATION - BASEMENT

Terry walks into the basement and settles at his personallocker. Its a half sized locker. He whistles to himself

merrily and when he opens the locker, he finds Joel sittingside of it, with his head down. Joel slowly raises his headand makes far too personal eye contact.

TERRYHi, Joel.

CUT TO:

Terry screams for help from inside his impossibly smalllocker. Joel stands in front of it ready to fight a crowd ofpeople who have come to rescue him.

END FLASHBACK


Terry hides in the corner behind Gina like a little kidhides behind a grandfather clock. Joel, Boyle, and Diaz walkaway from the counter and towards the group. Terry screamslike a girl, grabs Ginas shoulders, lowers his head tohide.

Diaz leads Joel over to Holt. He has the same coldexpression as his aunt. He looks up at the Captain withoutblinking.

DIAZCaptain, this is my nephew Joel.Joel, say hi to the Captain.

Joel spits on the ground, then looks up at the group withintensity.

(CONTINUED)


6/30

CONTINUED: 6.

DIAZ(deadpan as ever)

I know. Adorable, right?

Peralta and Santiago look down at the boy and his fiercestare.

PERALTA(whispering to Santiago)

I feel like hes undressing me withhis eyes.

SANTIAGO(whispering back)

I feel like hes actually puttingmore clothes on me.

Holt crouches down get on Joels level. He puts his hand outfor him to shake and Joel shakes it.

HOLTSo Joel, what brings you to thestation today? Do you want to learnhow to catch bad guys?

Joel reaches into the front of his pants and takes out apicture of a pug who looks just like him. Like his aunt, hespeaks with a monotone voice that has a slight accent.

JOELThis is my dog. His name isBababooey. I need you to find him.

Boyle puts his hand on Joels back reassuringly.

BOYLECaptain, Joel seems to have losthis dog in Prospect Park lastnight.

JOELI didnt lose it. It was stolenfrom me you butt taster.

Joel pretends to hit Boyle, but pulls up at the last minute.Boyle flinches. He clears his throat.

BOYLEI was hoping we could maybe sendout a team to look for him,Captain.

(CONTINUED)


7/30

CONTINUED: 7.

HOLTBoyle are you out of your mind? Wedont have the resources to send ateam out to look for a lost dog.Besides, thats not our department.Thats Animal Control.

BOYLERight, but a little bird told methat Jake has a pretty bigconnection with Animal Control.

Peralta crosses his arms.

PERALTAMaybe I do and maybe I dont. Butjust for the record, I totally do.

Boyle brings Peralta aside.

BOYLEJake, I need this favor. Ive beenon a real cold streak recently andI need your help. It would mean alot to me.

Peralta gives him a questioning glance and Boyle looks overat Diaz. It clicks.

PERALTAOh, I see.

BOYLEIve been trying to get in close toRosa, but she doesnt respond to myE-Cards. I was thinking that maybeif I helped out her nephew it wouldbe an in. It would mean a lot to meJake.

Peralta thinks about it and agrees:

PERALTAOkay, Ill give my guy a call. Butonly because Im afraid of whatJoel will do if we dont find hisdog. Rumor is, the last person totruly cross him was buriedunderneath Giants Stadium.

BOYLEWasnt Jimmy Hoffa buried underGiants Stadium?

(CONTINUED)


8/30

CONTINUED: 8.

Peralta puts his finger up to his mouth and shushes him. Atthe other side of the room, Joel walks away from the captainand settles in front of Gina and Terry. Gina looks down ather phone, unphased and unafraid of the little demon.

TERRYMr. Joel, I dont want any trouble.

JOELIts pee pee time.

Joel lifts his arms up, signals for Terry to pick him up.

TERRYGina, you gotta help me. Its peepee time.

GINASorry, but Im not sorry, bye.

She walks away, leaving Terry alone with his tormentor.

JOELI said, its pee pee time.

Terry gulps and picks up Joel, holds him like a baby thathes afraid of. He fights back tears as he brings him intothe mens bathroom for whatever terrible thing pee pee timeis.

END OF ACT I

ACT II

7 EXT. PROSPECT PARK - ENTRANCE - DAY

Peralta and Boyle enter the park. They first thing they passis a light post with posters taped all over it. Theyre allof missing pugs. Peralta rips down one of the flyers.

PERALTAMy God. Its like looking at athousand scrunchy faced Mona Lisas.

From across the park, the two spot Peraltas contact with

the ASPCA. He looks like the bastard son of Hunter S.Thompson. Hes inspecting a part of a tree that a dog ispeeing on. Peralta and Boyle head over to him.

PERALTABoyle, this is my friend JeffBoyardee. Jeff, this is Boyle. Jeffand I were in the same graduatingclass at the Academy.

(CONTINUED)


9/30

CONTINUED: 9.

Boyle shakes his hand.

BOYLEPleased to meet you. Are you by anychance related to the great ChefBoyardee?

BOYARDEEUnfortunately yes. He was mygrandfather.

BOYLEYour grandfather was a great man. Iowe much of my life to him and muchof my stuffing principles.

BOYARDEEI wish I could say the same. Hedied and didnt leave me nothing. I

was supposed to inherit the oldBoyardee factory on Crescent, buthe closed it down to spite me.

BOYLEIm sorry to hear that. Im sure itwasnt a personal thing.

BOYARDEEHe said it was a race thing.Anyway, what can I do you for? Wedont usually get the boys in bluein these parts.

Peralta shows him the picture of Joels dog.

PERALTAWere investigating thedisappearance of this dog. Lastname Diaz, first name Bababooie. Hewas last seen in this park aroundeight oclock last night. Weretrying to find him for a colleague.

Boyardee gives the picture back.

BOYARDEESo this has made its way all theway up to the big leagues. Imaginethat. Walk with me. Watch out forthe doody, its literallyeverywhere.


10/30

10.

8 INT. PROSPECT PARK - GREAT LAWN - CONT.

They walk and talk through the park, goose stepping overfilth.

BOYARDEE

In the last few months weve had anincrease of Pug related violence inthe area. First it was slow, hardlynoticeable. Then, like a great skaband, it picked up real hard. Nowits hardly safe for a pug to bewalked in this park at all.

BOYLEAnd you dont know who is behindit?

BOYARDEE

Not who, but whom. We figure thisisnt the work of an individual,but rather a group. Fellas, if ourinvestigation is correct, weredealing with the biggest Pug RingBrooklyn has ever seen.

PERALTAThats an adorable way to talkabout a problem. Also Im fairlycertain thats not a thing.

BOYARDEE

We have some leads, but like anopen meadow, we have nothingconcrete.

Boyle leans over to Peralta.

BOYLEDoes he always talk in similes?

PERALTAI dont know what that means.

(to Boyardee)Boyardee, the NYPD is on the case.How about we hop in the paddy wagonand do some old fashion puppyrelated police work?

BOYARDEEYou got it.

(CONTINUED)


11/30

CONTINUED: 11.

BOYLEThen lets go!

He begins running and slips in a huge pile of poo. Hescovered in it. He looks up at the sky, embarrassed andashamed.

CUT TO:

9 INT. POLICE STATION - AFTERNOON

Diaz and Santiago sit next to each other at their desk. Theylook out at the wreckage Joel has caused. Papers are allover the place, desks are toppled over, its utter chaos.

SANTIAGOYou think you should maybe saysomething to him? I dont haveenough Purell to cope with this.

DIAZNo can do. What Joel wants, Joelgets. Im just his Aunt, if youwant him to do something, call mybrother.

SANTIAGOBut this place has gone crazy. Wehavent been able to process anyonein hours, both bathrooms areflooded with who knows what, andcome on, look what he did to

Scully.

SCULLY walks in their direction. All of his clothes areturned backwards, including his shoes.

SCULLYIts my fault really, I should havenever looked him in the eyes.

He sits down at his desk and all of his clothes split downthe middle.

SANTIAGOAnd who knows what hes puttingpoor Terry through.

SMASH TO:


12/30

12.

10 INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM

Joel quietly stares at Terry from across the interrogationtable. Terry cries hysterically, while Joel shows no emotionat all. There are boxes of childrens cereal all over thetable. Joel takes a box and slides it over to Terry.

JOELFinish it.

TERRYJoel, I cant. My mouth is so dry.

JOEL(slamming the table)

Finish it!

Terry gulps and tries to regain composure, takes the box ofcereal and dumps it all into his mouth. He chews while Joelsmiles at him. Joel, taunting him, drinks milk straight from

the carton. When Terry finishes the box he slams it down.Joel reaches into the box.

TERRYDone, now please, show mercy.

JOELYoure not done yet...

He takes out a small plastic toy and slides it over toTerry, signals for him to eat it.

TERRYJoel, I cant. Its impossible.

JOELIts up to you Terry. Its going inthe easy way, or the hard way.

Terry gulps. He takes the toy ad puts it up to his mouth.Before he can eat the plastic we cut away.

CUT BACK TO:

11 INT. POLICE STATION- CONT.

Holt walks out of his office and approaches the two women.

HOLTDiaz, Im going to have to agreewith Santiago. Im going to need tohave you put a stop to this. Wehave work to do.

(CONTINUED)


13/30

CONTINUED: 13.

SANTIAGOTell her Captain, tell her. Shewont listen to me.

HOLTAre you wearing a yarmulke?

Santiago covers up the top of her head.

SANTIAGO(like a sad puppy)

He said the top of my head wassinful.

Diaz steps in.

DIAZSorry Captain, but no can do. Joelwill know that you sent me and he

wont take me serious. Hes got acode. Only way to stop Joel is toearn his respect yourself. Prisonrules. I figured you knew this bynow.

HOLTAnd how would we go about doingearning his respect?

DIAZIts simple, Captain. The only wayto earn his respect is to show no

fear. Until you do that, yourejust another rabbit waiting to getits neck broken.

HOLTWhat makes you think Im afraid ofhim? He is two feet tall.

DIAZCaptain, its obvious. I can smellit on you. And if I can smell it onyou than he can smell it on you.And if he can smell it on you,youre no better than Scully.

Shot of Scully asleep in his chair, clothes still split openlike a taco. Holt looks over to the interrogation room whereTerrys screams of terror blast through the sound proofdoors.

(CONTINUED)


14/30

CONTINUED: 14.

TERRYMy teeth!

Holt walks back to his desk.

12 INT/EXT. SQUAD CAR - EVENING

Peralta and Boyle sit in the front seat of the car. Boyardeeis in the back. Theyre staking out a street corner in whichtwo nice looking children hang out. Peralta picks up a bagand unzips it. Theres a pug inside.

PERALTAHeres the plan. Well go up there,ask if those kids want to buy somepugs, then when they obviously sayyes we take them to the station forquestioning. It might not get usour guy, but itll be a start.

BOYARDEEHey, do you mind if I see that guy?

PERALTASure.

He passes the pug to Boyardee, who strokes it a little toohard.

PERALTABut be careful, that pug belongs tomy landlady. If anything were tohappen to it Id be evicted and

have to live with Boyle, and no onewants that.

BOYLEThatd actually be very nice. Ihave a very roomy twin sized bed.

PERALTACan it Boyle.

Boyardee picks the dog up and brings it to his nose andtakes a huge, mega sized sniff of it. Confused, the puglooks around. Peralta and Boyle look on with even moreconfusion.

PERALTA(grabbing the dog)

Well thats enough of that, takingthis away. Boyle, take MichaelPuglas. This is your show.

(CONTINUED)


15/30

CONTINUED: 15.

BOYLEMe? Why me?

PERALTABecause out of all the people inthis car, you seem to be the least

likely to be an officer of the law.This case was made for you. Yousaid you were on a cold streak,well, heres your chance to breakit. Its Boylen time.

BOYLEBut what if they find me out? Theymight be mean to me.

PERALTAFine, dont do it then. But knowthat Rosa will never like you if

you dont learn to grow a backbone.

He puts the dog in a duffel bag and gets out of the car.Boyle watches him go. Boyardee leans up to the front of thecar.

BOYLEHey, are you okay? Your eyes arepretty red.

BOYARDEEYou ever done pugs before, kid?

BOYLENo, I dont think so.

BOYARDEEThen dont judge me.

BOYLEI dont know if you should be doingpugs when were on a stakeout.

BOYARDEEWhat kind of barkotics agent wouldI be if I didnt love barkotics?

BOYLESomething about the way you talk isso charming.

He leans back in his seat and the two of them watchPeraltas undercover attempt.


16/30

16.

13 EXT. STREET CORNER - CONT.

Peralta uses what little swag he has as he walks up to thecorner. The two kids play Magic the Gathering and cant beany older than thirteen. He stops in front of them.

PERALTAYo, yo, yo, whattup, whattup,whattup?

KID 1Do you really talk like that or areyou just being racist?

PERALTAIm just being me yo, and yo, I washoping you two cool kids wouldmaybe be inclined to party a littlebit.

KID 2We like parties.

PERALTAWell scope this then.

He unzips the bag and the pugs head pops up. Both of thekids scream and blow rape whistles. They take off running.The whistle hurts Peraltas ears, but he chases after themanyway.

PERALTA

Wait, come back! You dontunderstand! Why do you both havewhistles?

They run down the block.

14 INT/EXT. SQUAD CAR - CONT.

Boyardee freaks out and unbuckles his seat belt. The pugsticks his head out of the bag and sniffs around.

BOYARDEEOh no, like an unfair sportsrepresentative, the agent iscompromised! Im on it!

He runs out of the car and towards the bag. Boyle sits inthe front seat and watches as Boyardee runs up to the pug,picks him up and runs towards the car.

(CONTINUED)


17/30

CONTINUED: 17.

BOYLEOfficer Boyardee, where are yougoing?

Boyardee doesnt stop running. He runs right passed the copcar and into an alleyway. It takes Boyle a minute to figure

out that hes stealing the pug. He jumps into action andgoes over to the drivers seat. He takes the car and chasesBoyardee down the street. When he finally has a chance tocatch up to him, a stop light turns yellow and he stops thecar, screams. Boyardee disappears into a crowd with the dog.

Peralta comes running up and sticks his head in Boyleswindow. Hes out of breath.

PERALTAWhat happened? Wheres Boyardee?

BOYLE

He took the pug and ran. Im sorryJake, but I think hes the pugdealer.

Peralta kicks the side of the car.

PERALTABoyle, how did you let him getaway? You were the one with thecar!

BOYLEThere was a yellow light Jake,

there was nothing I could do.

PERALTAWhat do you mean there was nothingyou could do? You could have driventhrough it! Its still yellow forGods sake!

Cars drive through the yellow light.

BOYLEIm sorry Jake, Im sorry. Im justa worthless, yellow bellied cop. Icant do anything right. I might aswell just go back to AntiquingCollege like mother always wanted.Rosa will never love me.

PERALTAI agree with literally all of that,but we still have time. Think.

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


18/30

CONTINUED: 18.

PERALTA (contd)

Where could he have gone? Boyardeewould need a place big enough tohold hundreds of animals withoutbeing heard. Somewhere close.

They think and then get the idea at the same time.

BOYLE AND PERALTAThe Chef Boyardee factory onCrescent!

Peralta runs around to the other side of the car and sitsdown.

PERALTAHurry Boyle, we can still cut himoff.

(and then)

Man, I cant believe how long thisyellow light is.

Even though the lights somehow still yellow, Boyle doesntdrive. He sweats with nervousness.

PERALTADrive! Drive! Drive!

Boyle peals out and gets passed the light just as it turnsred.

15 INT. POLICE STATION- NIGHT

Terrys on his hands and knees and Joel, like the evillittle prince that he is, lies on top of his back playing avideo game. He treats Terry like hes a giant walkinghammock. Holt, tired of this nonsense, storms out of hisoffice. He confronts Joel. The whole office watches thestand off.

HOLTTerry, get up. This is ridiculous.

TERRY

Run captain! Run before he canpause!

Holt grabs the video game away from Joel and puts it on adesk behind him. Joel does not take kindly to this, and in away that only a frightening little boy can, takes out asmall carton of milk from seemingly nowhere.

(CONTINUED)


19/30

CONTINUED: 19.

HOLTJoel, enough. I know that youresad that you lost your dog, but wehave a station to run. I cant letyou manhandle my officers likethis.

JOELHolt, I dont think you want tostep to this. I advise you to backout while you still can.

He whips out a switch blade and cuts open the top of hismilk carton. He puts the blade back in his pocket and drinksthe milk, gets a mighty fine mustache.

HOLTI will not allow you to intimidateme.

Joel smiles politely, then throws his milk in Holts face.Holt, drenched in milk, wipes the milk out of his eyes. Ginawalks over.

HOLTIf you think taking a little creamto the face is going to scare me,then you clearly dont know me atall.

GINACaptain...

HOLTNot now Gina. You listen here youlittle human. I am not afraid ofyou. Ive been an officer of thelaw for thirty years.

GINACaptain...

HOLTWhat did I just say? Ive caughtthieves and murderers. Ive dancedevery dance there is to dance. Iveencountered a whole lot worse thanyou. So do your worst, whateveryouve got, Im not afraid.

GINACaptain!

(CONTINUED)


20/30

CONTINUED: 20.

HOLTWhat is it Gina!?

GINAYour office is on fire.

He turns and theres a raging fire burning in his office.People scramble to get extinguishers to put it out. Holtturns back to Joel. Joel flares his nostrils, smells hisfear. Smiles. He hops off of Terrys back, intimidatinglypats Holt on the cheek, and grabs his Gameboy from the desk.

CUT TO:

16 EXT. CHEF BOYARDEE FACTORY - NIGHT

Peralta and Boyle, pistols equipped, stealthily make theirway around the factorys exterior.

BOYLEJake, Im scared.

PERALTADont be scared. Were chasing aguy who steals miniature dogs. Thisshould be a pretty open and shutcase.

BOYLEBut what if I mess up?

PERALTA

Dont worry about that. Sometimesyou just need to throw caution tothe window and go in guns blazing.

BOYLEOkay.

They find an open door and slip in.

17 INT. CHEF BOYARDEE FACTORY - CONT.

Boyle goes in guns blazing, firing shots all over the place.

PERALTAStop! Thats not what I meant!

The place is full of caged pugs. Hes lucky he didnt hitany of them. They all bark their weird faces off. There mustbe a hundred pugs here.

(CONTINUED)


21/30

CONTINUED: 21.

PERALTAYoure lucky these creatures areimmortal.

PERALTALook!

Up a flight of metal stairs there is an open door. The twoof them slowly make their way towards it.

18 INT. CHEF BOYARDEE FACTORY - OFFICE

Like Scarface, Boyardee has a stack of pugs on his desk andhe buries his face in all of them. Hes in Pug Addict heavenright now.

BOYARDEEOh yeah, baby. Come to daddy!

When he raises his head back up, we see Peralta and Boylelooking at him with their guns drawn.

PERALTADont make any moves Boyardee.Weve got you. Just give up.

BOYLEI hope you have fun getting stuffedin the can!

Boyardee and Peralta give him a confused look.

BOYLEIts like your name. It often comesin cans.

BOYARDEEIt also sometimes comes in plasticbowls. Its rare, but its true.

They all nod in agreement.

PERALTAHands behind your head!

Defeated, Boyardee listens. The pug pile looks at the twoofficers with their weird, hyper black eyes.

PERALTAI dont know if this is the cutestthing Ive ever seen or the mosthorrifying.

(CONTINUED)


22/30

CONTINUED: 22.

BOYLEI think it can be both.

SMASH TO:

END OF ACT II

ACT III

19 EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Boyardee, in cuffs, is led by Peralta into the policestation. Boyle follows behind. Boyardee does his best toplead his case:

BOYARDEEYou dont understand what its likeman. You dont know what its like.I was supposed to be the heir to

the Boyardee fortune! It wassupposed to be me!

PERALTAThats enough, save it for thejudge.

BOYARDEEIt felt like the entire world hadbeen taken away from me. It feltlike I had hit Dwayne Johnson.

BOYLE

What?

BOYARDEERock bottom.

PERALTAId feel a lot worse about all thisif you stopped doing that.

BOYARDEEStop doing what?

He leads him inside the station.


As Peralta and Boyle drag Boyardee in theyre surprised tosee that the office has disintegrated into some sort ofwasteland. There are even tumbleweeds.

(CONTINUED)


23/30

CONTINUED: 23.

BOYLEOh, not again.

21 INT. POLICE STATION - HOLDING

Peralta drags Boyardee into a cell and slams it. Its

absolutely packed with criminals. Peralta tries to find therest of his colleagues

PERALTAIm sorry to say this to you oldfriend, but like a guy who works atmultiple taverns, youre stuckbehind bars. God, that does feelgood.


Boyle finds all of his colleagues crammed into Holts

office. The blinds are down and theyre hiding from Joel.Santiago gets his attention by knocking on the glass. Hequickly ducks into the room.

BOYLEWhats going on?

GINAWere hiding from Joel. About anhour ago he went to the bathroomand we lost sight of him.

Boyle sees Holt sitting in the fetal position. His uniform

is off and in place of it is a Loony Tunes Denim Jacket.

BOYLECaptain, are you okay and what areyou wearing?

HOLTIts a Loony Tunes Jacket. Joeltold me that I was no longer theCaptain and was now just a BugsBunnies. His words, not mine. Ihave to admit though, it breathesnicely.

Peralta walks into the office wearing an identical LoonyTunes Jacket.

BOYLE(in reference to the jacket)

Peralta, he got you too?

(CONTINUED)


24/30

CONTINUED: 24.

PERALTAWhat? No, I was just getting readyto go to church. Why, whats up?

He sees that Holt is wearing the same Jacket as him.

PERALTA(happier then hes ever been)And you say that you dontsubscribe to my Pinterest.

He runs to the Captain and hugs him tight, nuzzles his faceinto his chest.

PERALTAHugging you is like huggingeternity.

Boyle looks away from the embrace and takes stock of the

room.

BOYLEWheres Terry?

Everyone makes eye contact with each other. They are bothnervous and terrified for their colleague.

SANTIAGOJoels got him.

BOYLEShoot.

Boyle goes over to the office window and looks out. He looksat Rosa and then gathers what little courage he has in histiny body and heads for the door.

BOYLEIll save him.

SANTIAGOBoyle, dont! Hes too dangerous.Youll never survive!

PERALTAShes right Boyle, hell eat youfor brinner. At least let me gowith you, you cant do this byyourself.

BOYLENo Jake. I need to do this alone.This is my time. Sometimes, youve

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


25/30

CONTINUED: 25.

BOYLE (contd)just gotta throw caution to thewind and go in guns blazing.

PERALTAWho said that?

BOYLEYou did. It was maybe thirtyminutes ago.

PERALTAReally? Thats awesome.

Boyle takes out his gun and cocks it for dramatic effect.

HOLTOfficer Boyle, are you reallythinking about using a pistol on a

child?

Boyle puts the gun down.

BOYLEYoure right Captain, I dont knowwhat I was thinking.

SMASH TO:

Boyle holding a pump action shotgun, fully clad in riotgear.

BOYLENow this was what I was thinking!Im going in, wish me luck! ItsBoylin time!

He screams as he kicks the door down and runs into the warzone.

PERALTAI guess thats the last well beseeing of Boyle.

GINAIve got dibs on his panini press.

PERALTADamn it!

GINAPaninis are super yum.


26/30

26.

Diaz looks out at Boyle, both afraid for him and impressedby his new found bravery.

23 INT.POLICE STATION - BASEMENT

Boyle, shotgun in hand, cautiously searches through the dark

basement of the station.

BOYLENo fear, Boyle. No fear.

Tiny shadows scurry by him sounding like tigers. He gets toa dead end and sees Terry lying face up on the ground. Hedrops his gun and rushes over.

BOYLETerry, Terry, stay with me.

The sound of the gun being cocked. Boyle spins around and

sees Joel wearing Holts Captains hat. He points the gun athim. Boyle puts his hands up like a hostage.

BOYLEJoel, lets think about this here.Im an officer of the law.

JOELNo more talking! You think Imafraid to catch a body? Ill catcha body like the nets outside ofFoxconn.

BOYLEThats a very complex reference forsomeone your age.

JOELI read Wired! Now its time to meetyour maker.

From behind the two of them, Diaz appears.

DIAZJoel, enough is enough. You stopthis right now or Ill make sureyour Dad doesnt take you to YoGabba Gabba! on ice.

JOELIm sorry Aunt Rosa, but you knowmy code. And besides, everyoneknows Yo Gabba Gabba! is overrated.

(CONTINUED)


27/30

CONTINUED: 27.

Resigned to his fate, Boyle lowers his head, crouches down.Joel walks closer, but sniffs instead. He gives a confusedlook.

JOELI cant smell you. I cant smellthe fear. Ive never encountered

this before.(he sniffs)Why cant I smell the fear?

FLASH BACK TO:

24 EXT. PROSPECT PARK - GREAT LAWN

Boyle slipping in the huge pile of crap in the park.

END FLASHBACK:

25 INT. POLICE STATION - BASEMENT

Joel lowers the gun.

JOELIm so confused. Are you not afraidof me?

Boyle raises his head, stands up. For the first time in hislife, he has power. He towers over Joel and he drops the gunentirely.

JOELI cannot harm that which is

unafraid of me. Sir, you havebested me. I will hug you indefeat.

Joel puts his arms out, and Boyle, cautious as ever, hugsthe little hooligan. Disarmed, Joel actually seems kind ofcute.

CUT TO:


Everyone sits in a circle in Holts office. They aredefeated. Peralta stands in the middle.

PERALTASo lets go over it again. First weeat Scully, then me, then Santiago,and finally, out of respect,Captain Holt.

(CONTINUED)


28/30

CONTINUED: 28.

SANTIAGOWhat about Gina? Why doesnt sheget eaten?

PERALTAGina will be left to tell the tale.

It will be her responsibility towarn future generations of themonster that is Joel.

Gina, in the corner, holds up her phone.

GINAIve been live tweeting this wholething.

A door outside the office slams open and everyone gathers atthe window to watch. Boyle and Diaz walk through the dustholding Joels hands. This all happens in glorious, bad ass

slow motion. The offices eyes light up and they run out ofthe room, cheering for Boyle.

SANTIAGOBoyle, you did it! Were free!

HOLTExcellent work. How did you do it?

BOYLE(feigning confidence)

It was simple Captain, I just hadto do what I do. I just had to show

no fear.

His odor catches Holts attention.

HOLTYou smell like a White Castle.

BOYLENo fear captain, no fear.

Diaz, from the other side of Joel, looks at Boyle andsmiles. He might smell like a messy hillock of dog shit, buton this day, he is a hero.

PERALTAHey, wheres Terry?

SMASH TO:


29/30

29.

27 INT. POLICE STATION - BASEMENT

Terry lies on the ground. His eyes are dead and glazed over.

DISSOLVE TO:

28 INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM

Jeff Boyardee sits inside the interrogation room. Boyle andPeralta are across from him, they look exhausted.

PERALTAJeff, its been six hours. Justtalk. Its over. We have you.

BOYARDEENo dice. Im like Bruce Willis inthe movie Unbreakable, Imunbreakable.

Peralta and Boyle make eye contact.

PERALTAYou thinking what Im thinking?

BOYLEYou bet.

Boyle gets up and walks out of the room. Peralta goes overto Boyardee and undoes his cuffs. After a second, Boylecomes in.

BOYARDEEWhat are you two just letting mego?

PERALTAWere just making it a fair fight.

BOYARDEEWhat? You cant fight me? Thatsclassic police brutality. Even Iknow that and Im an idiot.

PERALTANot us Boyardee, not us. In thewords of your Grandfather, "Uh-ohSpaghetti-Os."

From the open door, Joel steps in. Peralta and Boyle headfor the door.

(CONTINUED)


30/30

CONTINUED: 30.

PERALTA(to Joel)

Joel, this is the man who stoleBabebooie. Make sure he still hashis tongue. Were going to need afull confession.

Joel nods. Peralta and Boyle walk out of the interrogationroom as Joel inches closer and closer to Boyardee, crackinghis knuckles. As soon as Peralta and Boyle walk out of shot,the sounds of scraping metal and booming punches can beheard.

Fade Out:

THE END

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