ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS THAT BUILD UP OR BLOW UP RELATIONSHIPS ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS THAT BUILD UP OR BLOW UP RELATIONSHIPS SURVIVE or THRIVE URBAN BRIDGE

ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS THAT BUILD UP

OR BLOW UP

RELATIONSHIPS

ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS THAT BUILD UP

OR BLOW UP

RELATIONSHIPS

SURVIVE or THRIVESURVIVE or THRIVE

URBAN BRIDGE – CITY CENTRE CHURCH MARRIAGE RETREAT 2010

URBAN BRIDGE – CITY CENTRE CHURCH MARRIAGE RETREAT 2010

Trick Pony1996 - 2008

Ira Dean – BassKeith Burns Lead GuitarHeidi Newfield

I DIDN’T Trick Pony – R.I.D.E

Well they say that opposites attract...I can see it now as I look back.

You like Kenny G, I love Johnny Cash.We'd bark an' hiss like dogs and cats.

But the thing that ticked me off the most,Was how he beat his chest, brag an' boast,Each time we had a difference of opinion.

Well, he liked the covers pulled down, an' I didn't.He thought I should lose a few pounds, an' I didn't.

What fin'lly tore our love apart was a matter of religion...

He thought he was God an' I didn't.

Well, it was more than just a lover's spat,In the civil war of the thermer stack.

He go on an' on like a maniac,Goin' back an' forth and forth an' back.I can see him now with his cocky smirk.

Shoulda known right then that it wouldn't work,Standin' there, pushin' all my buttons.

Well, he liked the toilet seat up an' I didn't.He thought I should be a C cup an' I didn't.


He thought he was God an' I didn't.

He really thought he was the man,Who held my world in his hand.

If he ever comes down from that cloud he's sittin' on.Hallelujah, brothers and sisters, I'll be gone.


Yeah, he thought he was God,He really liked himself a lot;

Yeah, he thought he was God an' I didn't.

• The Coach Approach - Where would you like to go – your goals Why you want to go there – your values

• The Coach Approach - Where would you like to go – your goals Why you want to go there – your values

HELP!HELP!• The Counseling Approach – What happened or what’s happening?• The Counseling Approach – What happened or what’s happening?

• The Consultant Approach – What would you like to know?• The Consultant Approach – What would you like to know?

I DON’T HAVE TO BE RIGHT!I DON’T HAVE TO BE RIGHT!

“What you discover for yourself you own and act on.” Clinton

“What you discover for yourself you own and act on.” Clinton

“Contemporary Christians are called to the difficult and even painful task of double listening. That is, we are listen carefully both to the ancient Word and to the modern world, in order to relate the one to the other.” John Stott.

“Contemporary Christians are called to the difficult and even painful task of double listening. That is, we are listen carefully both to the ancient Word and to the modern world, in order to relate the one to the other.” John Stott.

It says you need to get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

THE VERY AGGRESSIVE SOWER, THE VIBRANT SEED,

THE VARIETY OF SOILS

What to do with the birds and the boulders?What to do with the birds and the boulders?

MARK 4: 1 – 20 “And again He began to teach by the sea. And a great multitude was gathered to Him, so that He got into a boat and sat in it on the sea; and the whole multitude was on the land facing the sea. Then He taught them many things by parables, and said to them in His teaching: “Listen! Behold, a sower went out to sow. And it happened, as he sowed, that some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds of the air came and devoured it.

MARK 4: 1 – 20 “And again He began to teach by the sea. And a great multitude was gathered to Him, so that He got into a boat and sat in it on the sea; and the whole multitude was on the land facing the sea. Then He taught them many things by parables, and said to them in His teaching: “Listen! Behold, a sower went out to sow. And it happened, as he sowed, that some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds of the air came and devoured it.

“Some fell on stony ground, where it did not have much earth; and immediately it sprang up because it had no depth of earth. But when the sun was up it was scorched, and because it had no root it withered away. And some seed fell among thorns; and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no crop. But other seed fell on good ground and yielded a crop that sprang up, increased and produced: some thirtyfold, some sixtyfold, and some a hundredfold.”

“Some fell on stony ground, where it did not have much earth; and immediately it sprang up because it had no depth of earth. But when the sun was up it was scorched, and because it had no root it withered away. And some seed fell among thorns; and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no crop. But other seed fell on good ground and yielded a crop that sprang up, increased and produced: some thirtyfold, some sixtyfold, and some a hundredfold.”

And He said to them, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear!” But when He was alone, those around Him with the twelve asked Him about the parable. The sower sows the word. And these are the ones by the wayside where the word is sown. When they hear, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in their hearts. These likewise are the ones sown on stony ground who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with gladness; and they have no root in themselves, and so endure only for a time.

And He said to them, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear!” But when He was alone, those around Him with the twelve asked Him about the parable. The sower sows the word. And these are the ones by the wayside where the word is sown. When they hear, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in their hearts. These likewise are the ones sown on stony ground who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with gladness; and they have no root in themselves, and so endure only for a time.

Then, when tribulation or persecution arises for the word’s sake, immediately they stumble. Now these are the ones sown among thorns; they are the ones who hear the word, and the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things entering in choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. But these are the ones sown on good ground, those who hear the word, accept it, and bear fruit: some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some a hundred.”

Then, when tribulation or persecution arises for the word’s sake, immediately they stumble. Now these are the ones sown among thorns; they are the ones who hear the word, and the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things entering in choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful. But these are the ones sown on good ground, those who hear the word, accept it, and bear fruit: some thirtyfold, some sixty, and some a hundred.”

“Work like a hunter but think like a farmer!”

Brian Buffini

“What you work at in life WORKS.

What you stop working at STOPS WORKING.”

“What you work at in life WORKS.

What you stop working at STOPS WORKING.”

WHAT DOES EVERY FARMER KNOW?WHAT DOES EVERY FARMER KNOW?

• You reap what you sow.• You reap what you sow.

• You reap where you sow.• You reap where you sow.

• You reap like you sow.• You reap like you sow.

• You control what you can control.• You control what you can control.

• You learn to live with what you can’t control Sun, Wind, Rain, Hail, Birds and Bees, Bug and slugs

• You learn to live with what you can’t control Sun, Wind, Rain, Hail, Birds and Bees, Bug and slugs

• You have to wait for harvest time.• You have to wait for harvest time.

“Sow little- reap little; sow much – reap much.” Chinese Proverb.“Sow little- reap little; sow much – reap much.” Chinese Proverb.

PLANTING

PLOT

PLENTY - POVERTY

PROTECT

PATIENCE

PAIN

It’s not what happens to you that determines your outcome in life. It’s what you do with what happens.

The same wind blows on everybody.

“Rain falls on the just and the unjust.”

It’s not the force of the galebut the set of the sail that determines where you end up.

• Set a better sail.

• Correct a past error.

• Design a preferred future.

Who can do that?

ANYBODY…SOMEBODY… YOU ANYBODY…SOMEBODY… YOU

Who gets to change? Who gets to change?

“The best way to predict the future is to create it.” LeRoy Sloane

What is going to happen in 2010?

What happens, happens to everybody.

Spring follows winter, summer follows spring, fall will follow summer. Night will follow day. Day will follow night.

• Opportunity meets difficulty.• Difficulty crashes into opportunity.• Expansion followed by recessions.• Recession followed by expansion.

“Be very careful of people who stand up on a soap box and shout: “It will be

different this time.”

Nothing much changes until you do.

“For things to change you have to change.” Les Hewitt

I. THE VERY AMBITIOUS SOWERI. THE VERY AMBITIOUS SOWER“The sower went out to sow his seeds.”“The sower went out to sow his seeds.”

Sowers are driven by basic convictions

• Not the seeds in the sack, it’s the seeds in the soil that produce crops.

• If I don’t sow, the seeds won’t grow.

• If it is to be, it is up to me!

• Whatever it takes, get the seeds into the soil.

• If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.

“Perhaps the very best question that you can memorize and repeat, over and over is what is the most valuable use of my time right now?” Brian Tracy

“Perhaps the very best question that you can memorize and repeat, over and over is what is the most valuable use of my time right now?” Brian Tracy

“You are doomed to make choices. This is life’s greatest paradox.” Wayne Dyer.

“You are doomed to make choices. This is life’s greatest paradox.” Wayne Dyer.

Not to decide is to decide.Not to decide is to decide.

II. THE VIBRANT SEEDSII. THE VIBRANT SEEDS


• This stuff will grow!

• Plant it, don’t eat it!

If you don’t believe in what you are doing, STOP!Do something you totally believe in.

Better to fail at something you love than succeed at something you hate.

• No planting - no plants!

III. THE VARIETY OF SOILS. III. THE VARIETY OF SOILS.

“… and some fell….”

1. “By the wayside” “The birds came”

Fact – the birds always get some of your seed.• You can chase birds.• You can get a Doctorate in building scary scare crows. • Install beat-it-bird nets.


Keep throwing and sowing the seed.

• You will have to leave the field to do this.

• You are going to look stupid chasing birds.

• You may decide, if my seed is going for bird feed, then I’m through sowing! You’ll be the cheapo with no cropo.

• Don’t take that class on “How to Keep Birds Out of Your World.”• Don’t take that class on “How to Keep Birds Out of Your World.”

“JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS.” “JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS.”

“That’s life. That’s the deal.” “That’s life. That’s the deal.”

“Isn’t that interesting.”“Isn’t that interesting.”

You can sow more seeds than birds can eat.

There aren’t enough birds to eat all the seeds you can sow.

There are only 9 or 10 nasty people in the whole world.

They move around a lot.

Give your head a shake and get over it.

“Take a deep breathe.” Bob Dole“Take a deep breathe.” Bob Dole

2. Stony place with boulders & thin soil 2. Stony place with boulders & thin soil

“Some of the seed fell on rocky, thin soil.”

First hot day plant will wither and die.

Don’t take the class on how to keep the sun from being so hot.

Hot weather is going to get some of my seedlings.

Don’t take the why – why - why class.

THE SOIL COMPOSITION IS NOT OF YOUR MAKING.

Either get on with farming or get out of farming and into gravel.

Discipline for your disappointments.




3. THORNY GROUND3. THORNY GROUND

War zone - vibrant seed vs mighty thorn • Thorns are going to get some.• Not of your making• Distraction

• Little things keep them from big opportunities.“We must look for the opportunity in every difficulty instead of being paralyzed at the thought of the difficulty in every opportunity.” Walter E. Cole

“We must look for the opportunity in every difficulty instead of being paralyzed at the thought of the difficulty in every opportunity.” Walter E. Cole

“Some fell among thorns and the thorns grew and choked it”

WHY IS THIS?

Don’t sign up for that class.




THAT’S LIFE By Dean Kay and Kelly Gordon (1966)

That's life, that's what all the people say.You're riding high in April,

Shot down in MayBut I know I'm gonna change that tune,

When I'm back on top, back on top in June.

I said that's life, and as funny as it may seemSome people get their kicks,

Stompin' on a dreamBut I don't let it, let it get me down,

Cause this fine ol' world it keeps spinning around.

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,A poet, a pawn and a king.

I've been up and down and over and outAnd I know one thing:

Each time I find myself, flat on my face,I pick myself up and get back in the race.

THINK LIKE A FARMER & KEEP SOWING

• In spite of the birds

• In spite of the boulders

• In spite of the battle with thorns

Keep on sowing because you are heading for….

• Thirty fold

• Sixty fold

• Hundred fold.

“but other seed fell on good ground and yielded a crop.”

“What gets measured gets done.” Robert Behn“What gets measured gets done.” Robert Behn

W.W.J.D. --- W.W.J.M. (Measure)W.W.J.D. --- W.W.J.M. (Measure)

4. GOOD SOIL4. GOOD SOIL

Why is that? Why the difference?

Don’t sign up for that class.Don’t sign up for that class.

Just let the 30s be the best 30’s, 60’s be the best 60’s & 100’s be the best 100’s.

Don’t waste time trying to make 30’s into 60’s. Think like a farmer.

Don’t take that class. Don’t take that class.




“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle or you can live as if everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein

“The success you are enjoying today is the result of the price you have paid in the past.” Brian Tracy

“The one major difference between the big shot and the little shot is the big shot is just a little shot who kept shooting.” Zig Ziglar

IV. THE MINISTRY APPLICATIONIV. THE MINISTRY APPLICATION

Safest way to approach scripture is to let scripture explain scripture.

Safest way to approach scripture is to let scripture explain scripture.

• The seed is the Word

• Soil is people

• Sowers are all who give out The Word.

Matthew 9:35-38Then Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every sickness and every disease among the people. But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.”

1. SEE AS JESUS SAW - “saw weary scattered multitude”1. SEE AS JESUS SAW - “saw weary scattered multitude”

2. FEEL AS JESUS FELT - “moved with compassion”2. FEEL AS JESUS FELT - “moved with compassion”

3. PRAY AS JESUS PRAYED - “send out laborer into His harvest”3. PRAY AS JESUS PRAYED - “send out laborer into His harvest”

4. DO AS JESUS DID - “went and ministered to people” 4. DO AS JESUS DID - “went and ministered to people”

“I would have lost heart, had I not believed I would see the goodness of God in the land of the living.” Psalms 27:13

“I would have lost heart, had I not believed I would see the goodness of God in the land of the living.” Psalms 27:13

OUR BIG CHALLENGE: HOT HEADS … COLD HEARTS

OUR BIG CHALLENGE: HOT HEADS … COLD HEARTS

“Vision is not enough, it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare.” Vaclav Havel

“Vision is not enough, it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare.” Vaclav Havel

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is one thing you have charge of.” Jim Rohn

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is one thing you have charge of.” Jim Rohn

ATTITUDES AND ACTIONSTHAT BUILD UP

OR BLOW UP RELATIONSHIPS

ATTITUDES AND ACTIONSTHAT BUILD UP

OR BLOW UP RELATIONSHIPS

MOVING MARRIAGE FROM SURVIVING to THRIVINGMOVING MARRIAGE FROM SURVIVING to THRIVING

URBAN BRIDGE – CITY CENTRE CHURCH COUPLES RETREAT 2010

URBAN BRIDGE – CITY CENTRE CHURCH COUPLES RETREAT 2010

LET’S MAKE THIS A SAFE PLACEWhat would it take to make this a safe place so you to participate?

• Nobody gets to be wrong.•The experts on marriage are released from the room. • Perfect marriages are enjoying the pool.• Ideal….Ordeal….New Deal - We’re all there. “I can hear the voice inside my head Saying you should be with me instead.” Dixie Chicks

• Shock absorbers working. “That’s interesting. – Tell me more!”

• Listen with ears and your eyes. “Listen until the towel’s wrung out and there’s water all over the floor.”

• What you hear in Jasper, stays in Jasper. Confidentiality.• Nobody talk about other people’s stuff.

FEELINGFEELING ACTIONACTION TELL A STORY

TELL A STORY

SEE & HEAR SEE & HEAR

ATTITUDES AND ACTIONSTHAT BUILD UP OR BLOW UPRELATIONSHIPS

ATTITUDES AND ACTIONSTHAT BUILD UP OR BLOW UPRELATIONSHIPS

• Have you every told yourself the wrong story?

• Is that the only story?

• Is there another way to look at this?

If you don’t manage the story, the story manages you.

If you don’t manage the story, the story manages you.

What’s some of the best marriage advice you’ve ever been given?

What’s not working in your marriage because you are not working at it?

Who do you need on your team?

What attitude and/or action could build up your marriage?

What attitude and/or action could blow up your marriage?

What are you secretly afraid might happen?

“Helping your move forward”“Helping your move forward”

Lorne McAlisterLorne McAlister

Documents

ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS THAT BUILD UP OR BLOW UP RELATIONSHIPS ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS THAT BUILD UP OR BLOW UP RELATIONSHIPS SURVIVE or THRIVE URBAN BRIDGE