Assertive communication

Assertive Communication

Part 1- Assess your communication style

Part 4- Scenarios to practice

Part 2- Key principlesPart 3- 6 assertive communication tips

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What does best describe your communication style?Count the stars below and write down the total.

2Part 1- Assess your communication style

* Can’t speak up* Don’t know my rights* Get stepped on, meek* Too accommodating, appeasing* Talks softly, no eye contact* Gives “cold fish” handshakes* Don’t stand up for my rights, sulking* Avoid conflicts, submissive, flight* People take advantage of me* Trouble saying “no,” then I’m resentful

Passive Assertive Aggressive



* Direct* Honest* Respect rights of others* Recognize the importance of having my needs & rights respected* Confident* Realize I have choices* Effective communicator* Can express my needs* Make good eye contact* Speak with firm voice




* Violate others’ rights usingpower, position & language* Pushy, dominating* Intimidating, blaming* Must get my way* React instantly, fight* Can be abusive, talking down* Vise-like handshake* Out of control emotion* Don’t care where or whenI “blast” someone


What about passive aggressiveness?


* Fight-Flight pattern.* Either respecting ONLY your rights OR other’s rights.* Not addressing the problem or behavior.* Talking about people behind their back/Gossip* Fluctuating between violating others’ boundaries or having your boundaries violated.

Assertive AggressivePassive

What is your communication style? Report totals in a graphRemember: All styles have their proper place and use.

Assertive communication is the healthiest.


Passive

Assertive

Aggressive

0

10

10

10

Practice, flexibility, skills, retreat and

retry

7Part 2- Key principles

* Assertive communication takes practice.

* Flexibility: Match your style of communication to the situation/person you are communicating with.

* Skill, not personality: Communication styles are skills, not personality styles. You can lear to become more assertive.

* Retreat, think, return: Take a break from the conversation. Relax/rethink and then try again.

Remember the 3C


* Confidence: state facts, step up to the challenge

* Clarity: easy to understand, clearly articulated

* Control: monitor your emotions, stay composed, repeat the same message until understood (broken record)


Typical obstacles to anassertive communication

External* Other participants are aggressive and dominating* Lack of facilitator or team leadership

Internal* Do not like conflict* I will make enemies if I speak my mind* It is more important that people like me* It is wrong to disagree* I do not really care, I do not measure up

Recognize the challenges you are facing and apply the 3C model: gain confidence, speak clearly, control yourself

Click on the screen





#1 Use polite words

10Part 3- 6 assertive communication tips

* Call a person by their name* Use humor: it breaks downnegative emotions and will puttense situations at ease* Use appropriate words:

“excuse me”“thank you”“I appreciate it”

Try to watch the following short clip without laughing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MIFkYK5uWw

6 assertive communication Tips


#2 Begin you sentences with "I" instead of "you"

* Using “you” puts the other person on the defensive* Prefer "I":

“I think…”“I noticed…”“I didn’t like…”“I am concerned about…”



#3 Say what you want, stay objective (not subjective), use metrics to substantiate your arguments

* Don’t leave the other person in the dark* Show initiative* Present facts and data, not opinions and interpretations* Always get the facts right before you pass judgment* Let the person know your goal or possible solution* Handle the gossip by addressing the gossip (de-triangulation). How? connect the two individuals who share the issue.* e.g.: “I heard that John complained about Rick.” => “Have you checked with John about this? Has he talked to Rick about it?



#4 Criticize the behavior, not the person

* Don’t put the person down* Focus on their behavior when communicating * Instead of ”You’r too slow!” say “I don’t think you are doing your share of the work.”* Look at the person in the eyes



#5 Repeat the problem back, articulate the issues

* Keep on track* If other topics are introduced. Repeat the problem back* This indicates that you want to solve the original problem first* You can talk about other problems later* Stay focused on the issue – do not get distracted, defensive, or start justifying yourself* Get group validation

#6 Make commitments where appropriate


* For example: Who’s going to do what?Who takes the lead?When are they going to do it?

* Everyone needs a clear understanding:Answer: who, what, when, where, how much, how many

* Display strength and courage, and step up to the challenge

* Own the results, the risks like the failure. Be honest about it.

Communication scenario 1: individual practice

16Part 4- 3 scenarios to practice

Choose a situation, meeting, conversation which you experienced.

1) Which obstacles did you face? Write down and detail with key words2) How do you apply each of the 6 tips to grow your assertiveness3) What will you change to get better prepared to face the same situation next time?4) When is the next similar situation you will face? How do you get ready

Communication scenario 2: role model


Select a co-worker, boss, friend, who is very assertive and in control of his/her communication?

1) Write down his/her name and the specific situations when he/she expresses assertiveness?2) What were you impressed with?3) What got in the way of assertive communications? How did he/she handle the situation?4) What do you personally learn from this?5) Do you know this person well enough to ask for feedback and coach you to better performance?

Communication scenario 3: team role-play


In pairs, practice assertive communication in the following scenario:

* Person 1 (you) initiates assertive communication, person 2 responds (your friend):* One of your employees (person 2) has performed poorly during the last project.* Give him feedback and agree on a performance improvement plan using assertive communication skills: 20 minutes* Close the exercise with a debrief discussion between both persons: what went well? How was this perceived by person 2? How could person 1 be even more assertive?* Redo 20 min exercise and debrief with switched roles

194 Magic Phrases You Can Use to Respond to anything

Source: www.powerdiversity.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5RknemM8Hw

20In summary

Assertive communication is about:

21In summary

* Protecting your rights without violating the rights of others* To communicate with respect and to understand each other* To find a solution to the problem.* To take risk with others in the short run, but in the long run, relationships grow much stronger.How?* Prepare, practice, debrief* Maintain eye contact, listen and validate others* Confidence, clear, control, broken record* Polite but persistent, "I"-statements, use objective facts, criticize with style, articulate problems, get group validation, make commitment

Click on the screen





* wikipedia.com

* Psychotherapeutic materials: Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (1999-2004). * I-statements: Johnson, James “Jamie” Arthur, M.A. (former LPC). (2002). “I-Statements Exercise”. * "Developing Positive Assertiveness" training presented by Marisa Geisser and Michelle Grilli and indirectly from the sources thereof: * CRM Learning (2008). Being Assertive (DVD). http://www.crmlearning.com* DiBlasio, Frederick A., PhD. University of Maryland School of Social Work.* Triangulation: McGoldrick, Monica. (2008). Genograms: Assessment and Intervention. W. W. Norton & Company* http://beacondeacon.com/ichthus/personal/WhatDoYouExpect.htm.

* www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive* www.mindtools.com › Communication Skills* stress.about.com* www.wikihow.com/Communicate-in-an-Assertive-Manner* www.speakeasy.org/~keson/assert.html* www.ehow.com/assertive-communication-in-relationships* hkpsychotherapy.org

Sources and References 22

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Slide Transcripts 23

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Assertive communication