A Small Fishing Nation Wedged Between Estonia and Latvia.002

8/10/2019 A Small Fishing Nation Wedged Between Estonia and Latvia.002

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A Small Fishing Nation Wedged between Estonia and Latvia: A Short Play

Andrew Black1! "ill Street #1$11

Athens% &hio '()*1

andrewblacks+,gmail-com

.haracters:

Steve /0dson #12

Steve Bennett #32

Lacy "ac4ntyre

Steve 5oscarella #$2

The living room of an upscale home. STEVE #1 and STEVE #2 are sitting in chairs, back

to back. They are tied up.

Steve #15his is yo0r +a0lt% yo0 know-

Steve #3

/ow is this my +a0lt6

Steve #14 wanted to get a sec0rity system% b0t nooooo% yo0 said- 5hey don7t work% yo0 said-5hey7re too e89ensive% yo0 said- And now we7ve got a co09le o+ b0rglars hel9ing

themselves to o0r st0++

Steve #3

5hey don7t work- And they are too e89ensive- Believe me% i+ these 9eo9le were

determined to get in here% they wo0ld have +ig0red o0t how to do it% sec0rity system or

no- Besides% we have ins0rance- Lots o+ it-

Steve #1

Sweetheart% they are going to take the art-

Steve #3

&h% god% yo07re right- 5he Bas;0iat

Steve #1

5he


2/13

Steve #1=Steve #3 together2

5he Warhol

Steve #3

What are we going to do6

Steve #1

Listen- 4+ we can +ig0re o0t how to 0ntie these knots% we can s0r9rise them-

Steve #3

All right% all right-

There is frenetic scrambling and bouncingas both try to untie the knots. inally!.

Steve #1

Wait>4 think 47m close-

"ore struggling.

Steve #1

.lose- .lose- beat2 /ey- What ha99ened6

Steve #3

4 don7t know-

Steve #1

4 told yo0 4 was close- ?o0 sho0ld7ve @0st let me +inish-

Steve #3

What was 4 s099osed to be doing6

Steve #1

amn-

Steve #35his conversation seems strangely +amiliar to me-

Steve #15he thing is>--4 think yo0 @0st retied a knot 4 had 0ntied-

Steve #35his isn7t working- We7ll @0st have to o0tsmart them-

Steve #1

5here is no way yo0 are going to o0tsmart them-

3


3/13

Steve #3

Listen- 5hey m0st be new at this- &therwise% they wo0ld never have broken in on a nightwe were at home6

Steve #14 still say% yo0 are not clever eno0gh to +ig0re o0t a way to save the art-

Steve #34 got an idea-

Steve #1

?o0 and yo0r ideas

Steve #3

What else yo0 got6

STEVE #1 says nothing.

Steve #3

All right then- We7ll do it my way-

$%& and STEVE # ' enter, carrying largeblack portfolio cases that might be used to

conceal paintings. They (ear black

stocking cap face masks.

Steve #1Look% sweetheart% 4 was right- 5hey7re taking the art-

Steve #$Wo0ld yo0 sh0t 096

Steve #3

/ey% he has kind o+ nice voice% wo0ldn7t yo0 say6 ee9 and resonant-

Lacy

C0st kee9 ;0iet% Steve-

Steve #3

/is name is Steve- id yo0 hear that6 /i% Steve

Steve #$

&h% thanks% yo0 had to go ahead and say my name-

$


4/13

Lacy

?o0 had to start talking- Let7s @0st +inish and get o0t o+ here-

Steve #$

4 tho0ght yo0 said they were o0t o+ town-

Steve #3

&0r tri9 to St- 5homas got cancelled at the last min0te-

Steve #$=Lacy

Sh0t 09

Steve #$4 think we got everything on the list-

Steve #1

?o0 have a list6 What is this% a tri9 to the grocery store6

Steve #34 m0st admit% 4 don7t care i+ they take the art- ?o0 know% he bo0ght it all anyway% and

47ve always hated most o+ it- Es9ecially the Lichtenstein-

Steve #1

5he Lichtenstein-

Steve #35he one in the bedroom- We @0st bo0ght it- 4 know that7s yo0r +avorite b0t 47ve always

hated it- 4t7s so conventional- /e likes Ce++ --5here7s no

Lichtenstein on the list-

Steve #$

What7s a Lichtenstein6

Steve #1

4t7s a small +ishing nation wedged between Estonia and Latvia-

'


5/13

Steve #3

When all else +ails% ;0ote Bette "idler-

Steve #1

4t was the best 4 co0ld do on short notice-

Lacy

Wo0ld yo0 both sh0t 096 "aybe yo0 sho0ld gag them-

Steve #3

4 wo0ld be ha99y to let Steve over there gag me- As long as he talks dirty to me while

he7s doing it- With that dee9 toilet voice o+ his-

Steve #1=Steve #$

Sh0t 09

LacyDoy Lichtenstein is an artist- 4+ they have a Lichtenstein% we sho0ld take it as a bon0s-

Steve #3

Doy Lichtenstein is not @0st an artist- /e was one o+ the 9rogenitors o+ the Po9 Art

movement- /is comic book re9rod0ctions took the art world by storm- .an 4 hel9 it i+his content is 90erile and his oe0vre derivative6

Steve #1


6/13

Lacy continued2

P0t it in this-

Steve #' e)its.

Steve #1

Well% since yo0 told them abo0t the Lichtenstein% 4 am going to tell them abo0t the

Barbies-

Steve #3

?o0 wo0ldn7t dare-

Steve #1

&h% yes% 4 wo0ld- "y lover here has a large collection o+ Barbie dolls in the den- 5hey

9robably aren7t worth very m0ch% b0t yo0 might want to check them o0t-

Steve #3

5hey are "int in Bo8- Some o+ them are worth tho0sands o+ dollars on the secondarymarket-

LacyDeally6

Steve #3

"aybe 4 sho0ldn7t have said that-

Steve #1

5his co0ld be a real co09 +or yo0- Whoever hired yo0 +or this little @ob will love it-

Steve #3

A Lichtenstein that7s not on the list-

Steve #1

And Barbies worth tho0sands-

Lacy

"aybe not- We don7t have that m0ch s9ace in the tr0ck-

Steve #1

B0sy night% h0h6 Well% those little errands do 9ile 09% don7t they6

Steve #3

Say% 4 ho9e yo0 don7t mind my asking% b0t are yo0 two like a co09le6

!


7/13

Lacy

We are not a co09le-

Steve #3

47m glad to hear that beca0se 4 think yo0r +riend has a little gay vibe going on- on7t yo0

think so% Steve6

Steve #1

"aybe-

Lacy

/e does not have a gay vibe going on-

Steve #3

See She likes him- B0t he doesn7t like her- 4n 5hat Way- 4 knew he was gay-

Lacy/e is not gay-

Steve #1

"aybe she7s right- A+ter all% he doesn7t even know who Doy Lichtenstein is-

Steve #3

B0t 4 bet he lights 09 when he gets a look at those Barbie dolls- /ey% "iss 5hing% 47ve

got an idea- We have other st0++ aro0nd here- 5hings that my domestic 9artner bo0ght

against my will- "ost o+ it7s ins0red% yo0 know6

Steve #1

4 don7t like the overall direction this conversation is taking-

Steve #3

4 was thinking 4 co0ld show yo0 where yo0 can +ind some little e8tras- And in e8change%yo0 can leave yo0r +riend Steve behind with 0s-

Lacy

/e does not like g0ys-

Steve #3

Are yo0 s0re6

Lacy

47m s0re-

Steve #3

4 wonder i+ he7ll 9ass the test-

)


8/13

Steve #1

What test6

Steve #3

5he toy bo8 test-

Steve #1

&h% yeah- 5hat7ll be interesting to see-

Lacy

What is the toy bo8 test6

Steve #3We have this little toy bo8 09stairs- /andc0++s% dildoes% the 0s0al- When yo0r +riend

comes back% 4 @0st bet he7s been going thro0gh it- 4+ he has been% he7s de+initely gay-

And i+ he brings something down with him>>trails off2

Lacy

What6

Steve #3

/e7s a bottom- /ow Hbo0t this6 4+ he +ails the test% yo0 have to take the 9aintings andleave him behind-

Steve #1

4 do not want her to leave him behind-

Steve #3

&h% come on% Steve- 4t7ll be +0n- We haven7t had a third +or a while-

Lacy

47m not going to leave him- No more talk now- We7ll be o0t o+ here soon-

Steve #3

5o0chy% to0chy- 4 can imagine this line o+ work wo0ld be kind o+ stress+0l% right% Steve6

Steve #1

4 never tho0ght abo0t it be+ore% b0t 4 think yo07re right% Steve-

Lacy

after a moment2 Are yo0 really both named Steve6

Steve #3

In+ort0nately-


9/13

Steve #1

/ey% yo0 0sed to like it- ?o0 tho0ght it was c0te- Steve and Steve-

Steve #3

5he novelty has worn o++- 47m thinking o+ changing my name to &mar-

Lacy

after a moment2 /is name is Steve% yo0 know-

Steve #1=Steve #3

We know-

Lacy?o0 don7t think the +act that he7s named Steve means anything% do yo06

Steve #3

Being named Steve isn7t act0ally isn7t a 9rere;0isite +or being a cocks0cker% b0t itdoesn7t h0rt-

Lacy

47ve kind o+ been trying to get his attention% b0t he doesn7t seem that interested-

Steve #3

Poor baby- 4 0nderstand-

Steve #1What do yo0 mean yo0 0nderstand6

Steve #3Well% 4 had to really work to get yo0r attention% beca0se at +irst% yo0 didn7t seem that

interested-

Steve #1

4 wasn7t- And 47m starting to think 4 sho0ld7ve stayed that way-

STEVE #' enters (ith bag.

Steve #$

4 co0ldn7t +ind anything- No>-what did yo0 call it6

Steve #3

?o0 co0ldn7t +ind the Lichtenstein-

Steve #1

4t7s kind o+ hard to miss-

J


10/13

Steve #$

B0t 4 did +ind these-

STEVE #' pulls a pair of leather gags out of

the black bag.

Lacy

What are those6

Steve #$

Gags- 4 +o0nd them in this bo8 they had 09stairs- 5hey7ve got all kinds o+ kinky shit 09

there- .hains- Paddles- Look

STEVE #' holds up a leather string upon

(hich rubber balls are evenly spaced.

Steve #1=Steve #3&0r Ben Wa Balls

Steve #$

And look what else 4 +o0nd

STEVE #' gets out a *arbie doll.

Steve #3

4t7s Golden C0bilee Barbie-

Steve #$

5his m0st be worth something- looks at it admiringly2 Pretty% h0h6

Lacy

P0t that down "other +0cker% yo0 90t that down right now-

Steve #$

What7s the matter6

Lacy

4 have had it with yo0- ?o0 agreed to hel9 me o0t with this- And now yo0 go trai9sing

aro0nd 9icking 09 all kinds o+ things that aren7t even on o0r list-

Steve #$

Listen% Lacy% 4 didn7t even want to do this in the +irst 9lace-

Steve #3

&hhhhhh- 4s this yo0r +irst time6

1*


11/13

Lacy

Not mine- /is-

Steve #$

/ey% it7s not like 4 haven7t done shit be+ore-

Steve #1

Deally6

Steve #3

5ell 0s all abo0t it>--

Steve #$Well% 4 0sed to cook meth% which is how 4 met Lacy>--

Lacy

Sto9- Sto9- on7t give them any more in+ormation they can hang 0s with- ?o0 are @0stdetermined to +0ck things 09-

Steve #$

What have 4 done6

Lacy

?o0 talked- 5hey heard yo0r voice- ?o0 co0ldn7t +ind the Lichtenstein- ?o0 roamed

aro0nd the ho0se- ?o0 called me Lacy- &ne damn thing a+ter another-

Steve #3

?o0 +ailed the test% that7s the 9roblem-

Lacy

5hat7s right- ?o0 +ailed the +0cking test- Now 4 have to leave yo0 here with them-

Steve #1

4 don7t think we ever agreed to that-

Steve #$What are yo0 talking abo0t6

Steve #3We 9roved to her that yo0 were gay- So now she7s mad at yo0-

Steve #$47m not gay-

Lacy

So why did yo0 9ick 09 that Barbie doll6 And go thro0gh their toy bo86

11


12/13

Steve #$

Are yo0 craKy6 4n case yo0 hadn7t noticed% 47ve been trying to get yo0r attention eversince we met-

LacyWhat6

Steve #3She hadn7t noticed-

Steve #$

"aybe 4 sho0ld have tried harder-

Lacy

"aybe yo0 sho0ld have-

Steve #$

4 don7t even want to rob ho0ses- 4 @0st did this Hca0se 4 tho0ght yo0 wanted me to- 4 washo9ing 4 co0ld talk yo0 into giving it all 09 a+ter a while- oing something sim9ler-

Steve #3?o0 co0ld go back to selling dr0gs

Lacy

&h% Steve

Steve #1=Steve #3=Steve #$

?es6

Lacy

All right then- Let7s @0st leave this shit here% go home and +0ck-

Steve #$

What7ll are yo0 going to tell the Boss6

Lacy

47ll tell him that they had a big dog we didn7t know abo0t-

Steve #3

We7ll go o0t and b0y one 5hat will give yo0r alibi e8tra credibility- We co0ld get a

oberman-

Steve #1

4 don7t know- 5hey7re so aggressive-

13


13/13

Steve #3

Grrrr-

Lacy

Listen% we7ll @0st let o0rselves o0t-

Steve #3

?o0 can leave the 9aintings- We7ll 90t them back o0rselves-

Steve #1

B0t i+ yo0 wo0ldn7t mind 0ntying 0s>--trails off2

Lacy&h% yeah-

The t(o untie Steve and Steve.

Steve #$

5ake it easy-

Steve #2 hands Steve #' the *arbie doll.

Steve #3

/ere yo0 go- A so0venir-

Steve #$5hanks g0ys-

Lacy?o0 leave that here-

STEVE #' shrugs and hands the doll back toSteve #2. +e and $%& e)it.

Steve #1

?o07re not really thinking abo0t changing yo0r name to &mar% are yo06

Steve #3

No9e- beat2 Well- Not a+ter tonight- Now we have to go o0t and b0y a oberman-

Steve #1

We sho0ld 9robably b0y a Lichtenstein too% don7t yo0 think6 4 mean% it seems only +air-

End of lay

1$

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A Small Fishing Nation Wedged Between Estonia and Latvia.002