2 Adoption Search and Reunion/ Cautarea si reunirea in adoptie Linda Bellini, MSSA, LISW Program Specialist, Adult Adoptees & Birthparents

2

Adoption Search and Reunion/ Cautarea si reunirea in adoptie

Linda Bellini, MSSA, LISW

Program Specialist, Adult Adoptees & Birthparents

www.AdoptionNetwork.org3

Objectives Today/ obiectivele de azi

•Understanding the lifelong journey of adoption/ sa intelegem calatoria de-a lungul vietii in adoptie

•Learning common reasons why people search/ sa intelegem motivele comune care-i fac pe oameni sa caute

•Knowing the difference between search and reunion/ sa vedem diferentele dintre cautare si reunire

•Factors that increase the possibility of a successful reunion/ factorii care sporesc posibilitatile succesului in reunire


Adoption is a lifelong, intergenerational process which links birthmothers, adoptees and adoptive families forever./ Adoptia este un proces de-a lungul vietii care leaga pentru totdeauna mamele biologice, copiii adoptati si familii adoptive

•The lifelong adoption experience brings with it core issues, especially for those who grew up in a closed adoption./ experienta adoptiei, de-a lungul intregii vieti, aduce cu sine teme centrale, mai ales pentru cei care au crescut in adoptii inchise

•Children of the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s, now adults, grew up with much secrecy and silence. Copiii din 1950, 1960, 1970, care acum sunt adulti, au crescut insotiti de multa tacere si secret.


Failed Goals of Secrecy in U.S. Adoptions/ obiectivele nerealizate ale secretului in adoptiile din Statele Unite

For Birthmothers/ pt mamele biologice•They could easily resolve their feelings about the placement/ ar fi putut mai usor sa-si rezolve sentimentele cu privire la plasamentul copilului

•They would be protected from being considered “unwed mothers”/ ar fi fost protejate de situatia in care erau considerate mame cu copii din flori

•They could forget about their child and move on – as if nothing happened/ ar fi putut uita de copilul lor si sa-si continue viata ca si cand nimic nu s-ar fi petrecut


Failed Goals of Secrecy in U.S. Adoptions/ scopuri nerealizate ale secretului in adoptii in Statele Unite

For Birthfathers/ pt tatal biologic•They can just move on with no concern/ ei pot sa-si vada de treburile lor fara nici o grija

•They would never need to assume any responsibility/ nu vor trebui niciodata sa-si asume vreo responsabilitate


Failed Goals of Secrecy in U.S. Adoptions/ Scopuri esuate ale pastrarii secretului in adoptie in Statele Unite

For Adopted Persons/ pt persoanele adoptate•They would be protected from being labeled “illegitimate”/ vor fi protejati de la a fi numiti ‘ílegitimi’

•They would be more easily integrated into the adoptive family/ se vor integra mai usor in familia adoptiva


Failed Goals of Secrecy in U.S. Adoptions/ scopuri esuate ale secretului in adoptie in Statele Unite

For Adoptive Parents/ pt parintii adoptivi•They could portray their family as that of a biological one/ isi vor putea portretiza familia ca o familie biologica•They would never need to tell anyone/ nu vor avea nevoie sa spuna nimanui •They could hide their pain of infertility/ vor putea ascunde durerea lor legata de infertilitate•They would not need to ever look back/ nu vor avea nevoie niciodata sa priveasca in urma


Core Issues of Adoption for the Adopted Person/ probleme centrale ale adoptiei pt persoana adoptata

•Loss / Pierdere•Abandonment and Rejection/ abandon si respingere•Shame and Guilt/ rusine si vinovatie


Core Issues of Adoption for the Adopted Person/ probleme centrale ale adoptiei pt persoana adoptata•Identity/ identitate•Feeling Different/ sentimentul ca e altfel decat ceilalti•Feeling like something is different/ sentimentul ca ceva difera


The Lifelong Journey of Adoption for Birthparents/ calatoria de-a lungul vietii in cazul parintilor biologici•Often forgotten members of the adoption triad/ adeseori ei sunt membrii uitati ai triadei adoptiei•Societal attitudes in the post-World War II decades took their toll on the emotional, physical and spiritual health of birthparents, especially on birthmothers./ atitudinea societala in deceniile de dupa cel de Al Doilea Razboi Mondial a taxat sanatatea emotionala, fizica si spirituala a parintilor biologici, mai ales a mamelor biologice


The Lifelong Journey of Adoption for Birthparents/ calatoria de-a lungul vietii in cazul parintilor biologici

•Typically the painful loss of their child through adoption overshadows the rest of their lives (isolation, unexpressed grief, secrecy)/ in mod obisnuit pierderea dureroasa a copilului lor prin adoptie le umbreste restul vietii (izolare, durere neexprimata, secret)



•Triggers include birth of another child; seeing friends and relatives with babies, milestone events of the relinquished and/or other child(ren)/ factorii provocatori pot fi nasterea unui alt copil; sa vada prieteni sau rude cu bebelusi; evenimente capitale in care alt copil sau copii este/sunt abandonati



•Negative – Coping by self-blame and stigmatizing; perceived relational failure(s); depression; denial; self-medicating; seeking support/counseling/ negativi: sa faca fata autoinvinovatirii si stigmatizarii; esecurilor relationale percepute; depresiei; negarii; auto-medicatiei; cautarii de sprijin/consiliere;



•Positive – Finding a “voice” – sharing their stories to educate adoption professionals, prospective adoptive parents, their families, the general public; working to change legislation to open sealed records/ pozitiv: sa-si gaseasca (sa devina ) o voce – sa-si impartaseasca povestile unor profesionisti formati in adoptii, parintilor care doresc sa adopte, familiilor lor, publicului larg; sa lucreze pentru a schimba legislatia in sensul de a deschide dosarele sigilate


The Lifelong Journey of Adoption for Adoptive Parents/ calatoria de-a lungul vietii in cazul parintilor adoptivi

•Requires adaptation to build a family through adoption/ sa construiesti o familie prin adoptie, cere o buna adaptare;

•Preparation needed to make space for birthfamily, especially birthmother, in their child’s heart and mind/ sunt necesare pregatiri pentru a face loc familiei biologice, mai ales mamei biologice, in inima si mintea copilului lor adoptat


The Lifelong Journey of Adoption for Adoptive Parents/ calatoria de-a lungul vietii in cazul parintilor adoptati

•Assistance needed in the healthy management of the absent birthfamily presence, psychologically and physically/ este necesara o asistenta psihologica si fizica pentru managementul sanatos al prezentei familiei biologice absente

•Acceptance of adult son’s/daughter’s need to search/ acceptarea nevoii fiului/fiicei adulte de a cauta


What is Search?/Ce este cautarea?

For the birthparents who did not pursue it: / pt parintii biologici care nu au tintit asta:•Not wanting to disrupt their son’s/daughter’s life/ nedorind sa intrerupa viata fiului/fiicei;

•Not wanting to intrude on the adoptive family/ nedorind sa fie intruzivi cu familia adoptiva;


What is Search?/ ce este cautarea?

For the birthparents who did not pursue it:/ pt parintii biologici care nu au tintit asta: •Fear of rejection/ teama de respingere;

•Not believing it’s their right to search/ nu cred ca ar avea dreptul sa caute;

•The unspoken agreement to never talk about their child again/ conventia neexprimata de a nu mai vorbi niciodata despre copilul lor;



For the birthparents who do search: pt parintii biologici care cauta:•They have a medical genetic problem/ au probleme medicale sau genetice;•A need to know that their son/daughter had a good life/ au nevoie sa stie ca fiul/fiica lor are o viata buna•To share why they made an adoption plan – to share their story/ sa impartaseasca celorlalti motivul pentru care au facut un plan de a-si da copilul in adoptie- sa-si impartaseasca povestea lor;•To answer any questions/ sa raspunda oricarei intrebari;



For the Adoptive Parents:/ pt parintii adoptivi:•They may have a cognitive recognition that it is a natural for their son/daughter to want to have their questions answered, but the emotional impact could be very different/ s-ar putea sa fie constienti de faptul ca este natural ca fiul/fiica lor sa doreasca sa aiba raspunsuri la intrebarile lor;

•Fear of losing their son/daughter to the birthmother and/or birthfamily/ teama de a-si pierde fiul/fiica ce-I va lasa si va pleca la mama sau familia biologica;


What is Search?/ Ce este cautarea?

For the Adoptive Parents: pt parintii adoptivi:•Unresolved failure and loss – “We loved and nurtured them, but not enough or they wouldn’t want to search”/ pierdere si eroare nerezolvata- ‘L-AM IUBIT SI L-AM HRANIT DAR NU A FOST SUFICIENT PT A-L IMPIEDICA SA CAUTE”

•Prompts feelings of inadequacy and rejection/ mentine sentimente de inadecvare si respingere;

•Threatened; Worried/ amenintare; ingrijorari


When to Search/ Cand cauti?

•Be emotionally ready/ sa fii pregatit emotional;•Be clear about why searching/ sa stii de ce cauti;•Be prepared for the ups and downs of the process/ sa fii pregatit pt suisurile si coborasurile procesului


When to Search/ cand cauti

•Have support system in place (adoption support group, counselor)/ sa ai un sistem de sprijin functional (grupuri de sprijin, consiliere)

•When self-motivated (should not be driven by others)/ cand esti auto-motivat (sa nu te lasi condus de altii)


Search Process/ procesul cautarii

•Assemble all known information – best place to start is with the agency that handled the adoption/ asambleaza toate informatiile cunoscute-cel mai bun loc de a incepoe este agentia care s-a ocupat cu adoptia;

•Research relevant laws in the country where the child was born and adopted; / cauta legile relevante in statul in care s-a nascut copilul si a fost adoptat;in the USA each state has different laws/ in Statele Unite fiecare stat are legi diferite;


Search Process/ procesul cautarii

•Register with reunion registries available through the country, state, organizations/ registrul unde sunt inregistrare reunirile, disponibil la nivel de stat, organizatii

•Find competent search resources/search professionals within the country and/or state of birth/ gaseste resurse competente in cautare/ cauta profesionisti din statul respectiv sau/si statul unde a avut loc nasterea;


Search Process/ Procesul de cautare

•Research court documents available (marriage, divorce, birth, death)/ cauta documentele de la tribunal care sunt disponibile •Country specific articles, blogs and support groups may be good sources of information in an international search/ articole specifice, bloguri, grupuri de sprijin pot fi surse bune de informatie intr-o cautare la nivel international


Search Process/ procesul de cautare

•Social Media – use of the Internet and various social networking sites, such as Facebook, can be very helpful but be cautious/ media –utilizati internetul si diferite site-uri ale unor retele sociale, cum ar fi Facebook- acestea pot fi utile dar fiti prevazatori cu ele;


Emotional Roller Coaster of Search/ tangajul emotional al cautarii

•Anger/ furie•Sadness/ suparare•Fear of rejection/ teama de respingere•Stirring up painful memories/ fixarea pe amintitri dureroase•Disappointing the person found/ dezamagirea persoanei gasite


Emotional Roller Coaster of Search/ tangajul emotional al cautarii

•Outcome not meeting expectations/ rezultatele nu corespund asteptarilor•Finding death at the end of a search/ gasesti moarte la capatul cautarii•Running into dead ends/ alergi spre capat•Feeling overwhelmed/ te simti coplesit•Taking a break/ iti iei o pauza


Making Contact/ realizarea contactului•Be emotionally prepared for different outcomes/ fii pregatit emotional pt diferite variante•Searcher must always respect the wishes of the person found/ cel care cauta trebuie sa respecte intotdeauna dorintele persoanei gasite•Pace the time between initial contact and an actual meeting/ regleaza timpul dintre contactul initial si intalnire;


Making Contact/ realizarea contactului•Allow the person found the time to process the situation and their emotions/ ingaduie persoanei gasite sa-si ia timpul necesar pentru a procesa situatia si propriile emotii;•Establish boundaries for ongoing contact/ stabileste legaturi pentru a mentine continuu contactul;•Get support from others who understand/ gaseste-ti sprijin in randurile celor care inteleg;


Contact Strategies/ strategii de contactThe end of the search is really the beginning/ capatul cautarii este cu adevarat doar inceputul•Making a phone call/ da telefon•Writing a letter/ scrii scrisoare•Using an intermediary/ te servesti de un intermediar•Waiting for a reply/ astepti raspunsul


Plan Ahead for a Reunion/ planifica dinainte reunirea•Where will it take place?/ unde va avea loc?•When will it take place?/ cand va avea loc?•Who will participate? / cine va participa?


New Roles Post-Reunion/ Roluri noi dupa reunireFor the Adoptee:/ pt adoptat:•Learning how to integrate new people into one’s life/ invata cum sa integreze noile persoane in propria viata;•Managing the amount of information learned can be overwhelming/ managementul cantitatii de informatie aflata poate fi coplesitor;•Taking time to develop relationships/ ia-ti timp pt dezvoltarea relatiilor;


New Roles Post-Reunion/ roluri noi post-reuniuneFor the Birthparents:/ pt parintii biologici•How to tell others who might not know about the adoption?/ cum sa spui altora, care s-ar putea sa nu stie nimic despre adoptie?

•How do they fit into their son’s/daughter’s life?/ cum se vor potrivi ei in viata fiului/fiicei tale?

•Learning how to establish meaningful communication with the adoptee/ sa inveti cum sa stabilesti o comunicare plina de sens cu adoptatul;


New Roles Post-Reunion/ roluri noi post reunireFor the Adoptive parents: Pt parintii adoptiv:•Learning how to manage insecurities that surface/ sa inveti cum sa faci fata nesigurantelor aparente;•Learning how to manage worries about son/daughter turning away from them or liking their birthfamily better/ sa inveti cum sa faci fata ingrijorarilor cu privire la posibilitatea ca fiul/fiica ta ar putea sa se intoarca si sa se lege din nou de familia biologica;•Being supportive can result in bringing parents and adoptee closer/ daca acorzi tot sprijinul s-ar putea sa restabilesti apropierea dintre parintii adoptivi si pe copilul adoptat;


Pitfalls in Reunion / caderi in timpul reunirii

•Resolving past issues/ rezolvarea problemelor vechi;•Lack of open communication/ lipsa de comunicare deschisa;•Unmet expectations/ asteptari nerealizate;•Different values-different lives/ valori diferite- vieti diferite•Bad Timing for the person found/ moment nepotrivit pentru persoana gasita


Transformation in USA Adoptions/ transformari in adoptiile din SUA•Moving from secrecy to openness in adoption / evolutia dinspre secret spre deschidere in adoptie;•States changing legislation to allow for open records to adoptees (Ohio in March 2015)/ schimbarea legislatiei din diferitele state astfel incat sa permita deschiderea dosarelor catre adoptati (Ohio in martie 2015)•Growing up in an Open Adoption/ a creste intr-o adoptie deschisa


Conclusions/ concluzii

•Searcher controls process and pace/ cautatorul controleaza procesul si ritmul

•Honor given to all parties/ toate partile trebuie onorate

•Even with undesirable outcomes, searchers always thankful to know the truth/ chiar daca rezultatele cautarii sunt nedorite, cautatorii sunt intotdeauna multumiti sa cunoasca adevarul;

•Importance of emotional preparation and support/ importanta pregatirii emotionale si a sprijinului


1,950 searches to completion!/ 1950

42 www.AdoptionNetwork.org

SourcesJourneys After Adoption: Understanding Lifelong IssuesJayne E. Schooler and Betsie L. Norris

The Girls Who Went AwayAnn Fessler

The Spirit of Open AdoptionJames Gritter

The Seven Core Issues of AdoptionSharon Kaplan Roszia and Deborah Silverstein

Birthbond: Reunions Between Birthparents and Adoptees: What Happens AfterJudith S. Gediman and Linda P. Brown

The Adoption Reunion Survival GuideJulie Jarrell Bailey and Lynn Giddens, M.A.

43 www.AdoptionNetwork.org

Contact Us(216) 325-1000 www.AdoptionNetwork.org

Linda Bellini Program Specialist, Adult Adoptees and Birthparents(216) 482-2323 [email protected]

Facebook: Adoption Network Cleveland

Twitter: AdoptionNetCle

Youtube: youtube.com/adoptionnetcle

Linkedin: Adoption Network Cleveland

calatoria de-a lungul vietii in cazul parintilor biologici

Documents

2 Adoption Search and Reunion/ Cautarea si reunirea in adoptie Linda Bellini, MSSA, LISW Program Specialist, Adult Adoptees & Birthparents