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Effective Communication
Semira Rahemtulla January 8, 2016
Why am I doing this?
One Big Idea
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTAssumptions
FeelingsResponsesReality #3
The Net
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Everyone feels them; we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial information; absence of emotion leaves out
half the story.
Emotions indicate importance. Most
powerful motivator?
They are an early warning
system
Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Disclosure & Vulnerability
Self-Disclosure
Will I be less liked,
respected, influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the
relationship?
Will others use this
information against me?
How will others
see/assess/ judge me?
“What in my ‘bubble’
should I share?”
Self-Disclosure
“ VULNERABILITY ISTHE BIRTHPLACEOF CONNECTION. ”BRENÉ BROWN
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
• Build stronger connections• Repair distortions• Avoid “progressive impoverishment”
Conclusion: Practice being more open.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
Feedback & Influence
Working AgreementsJohari Window
OPEN/PUBLIC
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You know
You don’t know
Reactions/Feedback
Disclosure
BLIND
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?
1. Personal Development2. Team Effectiveness3. Stronger Relationships
Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow
Photo: Robbie Grubbs
Can I give you some feedback?
Photo by State Farm [link]Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
David RockWhat social situations triggera threat response?
StatusCertaintyAutonomyRelatednessFairness
SCARF Model
So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTFeelings
ReactionsResponsesReality #3
The Net
The Net (again)
Feedback
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
• Focus on specific, observable behaviorWhen you do [x]…
• Describe the impact of that behavior on youI feel [y]…
• Ask about the other person’s motives or intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Stay on your side of the net!
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. George, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. George, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. George, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about whether I am doing a good job with this presentation.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
When you do [x]…
I feel [y == emotion] that / like
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Learning is better than being right– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Listen and ask clarifying questions• Acknowledge your feelings• Gift mentality
– Say “Thank you!”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback
• Give more!!!• Do not praise to buffer criticism
– Avoid “The Sandwich”• Do not praise to overcome resistance• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:
– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost
every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback
• Assume good intent; be curious• Use a soft start
– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:My intention is…… / This matters to me because…When you do [x], I feel [y].
• Be aware of your own stress• Goal is joint problem solving
Exercise #5: Actual 1:1 Feedback
2 rounds of 1:1 feedback
• 2 min to take notes/prepare:• Complimentary feedback• Constructive feedback• Areas where you want to receive feedback
• Person A goes first and delivers all of their feedback• Person B asks clarifying questions• Can have discussions where appropriate
• Then Person B goes and delivers all of their feedback
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityFeedback Buddies
1ST Round
David Andrea
JS George
Brent Amit
2nd Round
David George
JS Amit
Brent Andrea
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
• Work Product– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus area
• Communication & Management– Too much/ little, choice of format, email etiquette, language choices,
communication style in front of others, transparency of project status, hiring/firing/promotions
• Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from this person, How do they impact
others? What do they model well? Anything you worry about? Arrival/departure times, attire, how they speak/listen/act?
Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net
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