Ic chapter 10 relationships part 2 (challenges)

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

CHAPTER TEN UNDERSTANDING INTERPERSONAL

RELATIONSHIPS PART 2-CHALLENGES

RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES

"GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER?"

1. WHAT ARE SOME SPECIFIC CHALLENGES IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS?

2. HOW DO YOU KNOW A RELATIONSHIP IS GOING BAD?

 3. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE? 4. WHY BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE? 5. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING PESTERED TO DEATH AND BEING STALKED?

PREVIEW: SPECIFIC RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DE-ESCALATION AND TERMINATION OF RELATIONSHIPS

RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES:

  VIOLATIONS OF

RELATIONAL EXPECTATIONS

PHYSICAL SEPARATION AND DISTANCE

  RELATIONSHIPS THAT

CHALLENGE SOCIAL NORMS

CHALLENGE 1 

VIOLATION OF RELATIONAL

EXPECTATIONS

A VIOLATION OF AN UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP IS CALLED A FAILURE EVENT. EFFECTIVELY MANAGING A FAILURE EVENT CAN LEAD TO A GREATER APPRECIATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP.  FAILURE EVENTS OCCUR ON A CONTINUUM OF SEVERITY FIDELITY-------------INFIDELITY  

A RESPONSE TO A FAILURE EVENT IS

CALLED A:

REPROACH

REPROACH CAN BE VERBAL OR NONVERBAL:

 "YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY

CARD" 

JUST BEING COLD AND DISTANT ALL DAY (SILENT

TREATMENT)

WHEN THE OTHER PARTNER RESPONDS TO THE REPROACH, THE RESPONSE IS

CALLED AN:

ACCOUNT.

THERE ARE 5 FORMS OF ACCOUNTS:

 1. APOLOGIES

 2. EXCUSES

 3. JUSTIFICATIONS

 4. DENIALS

 5. SILENCE

AGGRIEVED PARTY MAY RESPOND

WITH FORGIVENESS OR

RETALIATION 

VIOLATION OF RELATIONAL EXPECTATION  FAILURE EVENT  REPROACH  ACCOUNT

CHALLENGE 2  

PHYSICAL SEPARATION AND

DISTANCE

PHYSICAL SEPARATION AND DISTANCE

 THE (ARTIFICIAL?) POSITIVES: • PARTNERS WORK HARDER TO

BE ON GOOD BEHAVIOR WHEN TOGETHER

 • EASIER TO MAINTAIN IDEALIZED

IMAGE OF PARTNER THE NEGATIVES: • DISTANCE, MONEY, TIME,

DISRUPTION OF ROUTINE

PHYSICAL SEPARATION AND DISTANCE AND THE SOCIAL

EXCHANGE THEORY: THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP IS WELL SUITED FOR SOCIAL EXCHANGE THEORY ANALYSIS. PARTNERS MAY WEIGH COSTS AND BENEFITS OF CONTINUING RELATIONSHIP.  

CHALLENGE 3 

RELATIONSHIPS THAT CHALLENGE

SOCIAL NORMS

RELATIONSHIPS THAT CHALLENGE SOCIAL

NORMS 

EACH CULTURE ENCOURAGES SOME RELATIONSHIPS AND

DISCOURAGES OTHERS. THESE NORMS ARE BASED

ON CULTURAL VALUES, BIASES, AND PREJUDICES.

 RELATIONSHIPS AFFECTED INCLUDE THOSE BETWEEN

RACES, RELIGIONS, ETHNICITY, AGES, OR SEXUAL

ORIENTATION. 

 RELATIONSHIPS THAT

CHALLENGE SOCIAL NORMS 

ONE'S OWN RACIAL OR ETHNIC GROUP IS CALLED THE "IN GROUP". GROUPS

DIFFERENT FROM OUR OWN ARE CALLED "OUT GROUPS."

REMEMBER THE TITANS

http://law-library.rutgers.edu/SSM.html#symp

SAME SEX RELATIONSHIP: SCHOLARSHIP AND HISTORY

SPECIFIC RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES

 VIOLATION OF RELATIONAL EXPECTATIONS PHYSICAL SEPARATION AND DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS THAT CHALLENGE SOCIAL NORMS

THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

 DECEPTION COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS JEALOUSY OBSESSIVE RELATIONAL INTRUSION STALKING RELATIONAL VIOLENCE

DECEPTION

DECEPTION INTENTIONALLY HOLDING BACK REQUESTED OR EXPECTED INFORMATION IS:

DECEPTION BY:

OMMISSION.

DECEPTION DELIBERATELY PRESENTING INFORMATION ONE KNOWS TO BE FALSE IS:

DECEPTION BY:

COMMISSION.

OMISSION? COMMISSION?

OMISSION? COMMISSION?

THE GREY AREAS OF DECEPTION BY COMMISSION

 WHITE LIES: SLIGHT DEGREE OF FALSIFICATION THAT HAS MINIMAL CONSEQUENCE EXAGGERATION: "STRETCHING THE TRUTH" OR EMBELLISHING THE FACTS BALDFACED LIE: OUTRIGHT FALSIFICATION OF INFORMATION INTENDED TO DECEIVE LISTENER

DECEPTION WE DECEIVE FOR SEVERAL REASONS: 1. TO GAIN RESOURCES (BERNIE MADOFF) 2. TO AVOID HARM OR LOSS OF RESOURCES (CHILD LIES ABOUT BREAKING DISH) 3. TO PROTECT ONE'S SELF IMAGE ("I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN, MS. LEWINSKY.")

DECEPTION REASONS TO DECEIVE (CONT.) 4. FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ("SCARE TACTICS", "PUNKED") 5. TO PROTECT ANOTHER PERSON'S RESOURCES, SELF IMAGE, OR SAFETY ("YES, DEAR, YOU LOOK NICE TONIGHT")

DECEPTION  EFFECTS OF DECEPTION 1. INCORRECT DECISIONS (BERNIE MADOFF) 2. HARMING RELATIONSHIPS 3. LOSS OF TRUST (SPOUSES, FRIENDS) 4. HARMING INNOCENT BYSTANDERS (CLINTON CABINET) 5. ADDITIONAL HARM (GULIT)

HOW DOES INTERPERSONAL INTIMACY AFFECT DECEPTION?

THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DECEPTION COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS

COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS CAN I AVOID IT?

NO. HOW WE MANAGE THEM WILL AFFECT LEVEL OF SATISFACTION IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS 

WE RESPOND TO HURTFUL MESSAGES IN 3 WAYS: 1. ACTIVE VERBAL RESPONSES 2. ACQUIESCENT RESPONSES 3. INVULNERABLE RESPONSES

WE CAN REACT VERBALLY WITH SARCASTIC OR SELF DEFENSIVE STATEMENTS. THESE TYPES OF STATEMENTS ARE CALLED

ACTIVE VERBAL RESPONSES.

WE CAN CRY, CONCEDE, OR APOLOGIZE. THESE TYPES OF RESPONSES ARE CALLED

ACQUIESCENT RESPONSES.

WE CAN IGNORE THE MESSAGE, LAUGH, OR REMAIN SILENT. THESE TYPES OF RESPONSES ARE CALLED

INVULNERABLE RESPONSES.

THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DECEPTION COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS JEALOUSY

JEALOUSY WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ENVY AND JEALOUSY? ENVY-A FEELING OF DISCONTENT ARISING FROM A DESIRE FOR SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE HAS. JEALOUSY-REACTION TO THE THREAT OF LOSING A VALUED RELATIONSHIP

JEALOUSY THE POINT AT WHICH ONE BEGINS TO THINK ABOUT LOSING A RELATIONSHIP IS CALLED COGNITIVE JEALOUSY. THE POINT AT WHICH THESE THOUGHTS BEGIN TO AFFECT ONE'S FEELINGS IS CALLED EMOTIONAL OR AFFECTIVE JEALOUSY.

JEALOUSY ONE CAN USE JEALOUSY AS A TACTIC TO TEST A RELATIONSHIP, BOLSTER SELF ESTEEM, IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP, OR TO PUNISH ONE'S PARTNER. FLIRTATION FACADE-SEND ONESELF FLOWERS, LEAVE FAKE PHONE NUMBER, EXPRESS INTEREST IN ANOTHER

JEALOUSY HOW SHOULD WE DEAL WITH JEALOUSY?  1. DETERMINE WHETHER TO RAISE THE ISSUE 2. CALMLY EXPRESS FEELINGS 3. PRESENT ONESELF IN A POSITIVE MANNER 4. EXPRESS CARING ATTITUDE 5. AVOID ANGRY OR THREATENING RESPONSE

THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DECEPTION  COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS JEALOUSY OBSESSIVE RELATIONAL INTRUSION AND STALKING

ORI AND STALKING

WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT GUY WHO

BUGS YOU ALL THE TIME BUT IS NOT QUITE A STALKER

YET?

WHEN A PERSON:

WE DO NOT KNOW OR WITH WHOM WE ARE

ACQUAINTED

DESIRES A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH US

AND REPEATEDLY INVADES OUR PRIVACY,

THE SITUATION IS CALLED: OBSESSIVE RELATIONAL

INTRUSION.

BEHAVIORS ASSOCIATED WITH ORI:

  UNREGULATED SELF

DISCLOSURE

TRYING TO GET THE OTHER TO DISCLOSE

  SENDING UNWANTED GIFTS  ARRANGING COINCIDENTAL

MEETINGS  EXPRESSING A DESIRE FOR

PHYSICAL CONTACT 

THE MARK OF ORI IS A REPEATED AND SUSTANED

PATTERN OF THESE BEHAVIORS AFTER REJECTION

WHEN REPEATED UNWELCOME INTRUSIONS CREATE CONCERN FOR PERSONAL SAFETY AND FEAR, THE SITUATION IS KNOWN AS:

STALKING.

STALKING= 

ELEMENTS OF ORI+

CONCERN FOR PERSONAL SAFETY

+FEAR

SURVIVING STALKING

STALKING RESPONSES TO STALKING: 1. HARDEN THE TARGET-MAKE IT HARDER TO CONTACT YOU (UNLISTED PHONE NUMBER, P.O.BOX, ETC.) 2. KEEP OTHERS APPRISED 3. AVOIDANCE-TELL INTRUDER TO LEAVE YOU ALONE, THEN AVOID ALL CONTACT

THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DECEPTION COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS  JEALOUSY OBSESSIVE RELATIONAL INTRUSION AND STALKING RELATIONAL VIOLENCE

RELATIONAL VIOLENCE FULL RANGE OF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS AIMED AT OTHER PEOPLE, INCLUDING AGGRESSIVENESS, THREATS, VIOLENT ACTS, VERBAL ABUSE, PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, PHYSICAL ABUSE.

RELATIONAL VIOLENCE

 WHEN VIOLENCE IS USED TO CONTROL OR DOMINATE, IT IS CALLED

INTIMATE TERRORISM.  (SOCIOLOGIST MICHAEL JOHNSON)  

INTIMATE TERRORISM

RELATIONAL VIOLENCE 

WHEN VIOLENCE IS IN RESPONSE TO AN ATTEMPT TO CONTROL, IT IS CALLED

VIOLENT RESISTENCE. 

(JOHNSON)

RELATIONAL VIOLENCE 

WHEN COUPLES USE VIOLENCE IN SPECIFIC

RELATIONAL CONFLICTS IT IS CALLED

SITUATIONAL COUPLE VIOLENCE

(JOHNSON)

RELATIONAL VIOLENCE-WHO

COMMITS IT: 

INTIMATE TERRORISM-MEN

 VIOLENT RESISTENCE-

WOMEN 

SCV-BOTH

RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DE-ESCALATION AND TERMINATION OF RELATIONSHIPS

DESCALATION AND TERMINATION OF A RELATIONSHIP

CATEGORIES OF PROBLEMS (GOTTMAN):

 1. CRITICISMS 2. CONTEMPT 3. DEFENSIVE BEHAVIORS 4. STONEWALLING

THE DECISION TO END A RELATIONSHIP:

 BILATERAL DISSOLUTION-BOTH PARTIES DECIDE TO END UNILATERAL DISSOLUTION-PARTIES MAY DISAGREE

HOW RELATIONSHIPS END

 FADING AWAY-RELATIONSHIP ENDS BY SLOWLY DRIFTING APART INCREMENTALISM-RELATIONSHIP ENDS BY SYSTEMATIC PROGRESSION THROUGH THE STAGES OF DE-ESCALATION

REASONS FOR DE-ESCALATION: 1. JEALOUSY2. BETRAYING CONFIDENCES3. NOT VOLUTEERING HELP4. NOT TRUSTING5. PUBLIC CRITICISM6. LACK OF POSITIVE REGARD7. NOT HAVING THEIR BACK8. INTOLERANCE FOR CO-FREINDS9. LACK OF EMOTIONAL SUPPORT10. NAGGINGBEEBE, BEEBE, & REDMOND, P. 302

STRATEGIES FOR ENDING

RELATIONSHIPS

STRATEGIES FOR ENDING RELATIONSHIPS

 DIRECT   DIRECT STATEMENT

STRATEGIES FOR ENDING RELATIONSHIPS: INDIRECT  WITHDRAW  REDEFINE

INCREASE COST

WE CAN DIRECTLY END A RELATIONSHIP BY DIRECTLY STATING DESIRE TO END IT

AND HONESTLY EXPLAIN WHY OR:

 HONESTLY STATE DESIRE TO

DE-ESCALATE AND WHY

WE CAN INDIRECTLY END RELATIONSHIP BY

WITHDRAWING FROM CONTACT WITHOUT

EXPLANATION

WE CAN INDIRECTLY END RELATIONSHIP BY CLAIMING TO REDEFINE IT INSTEAD OF

JUST ENDING IT. 

"LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS."

WE CAN INDIRECTLY END A RELATIONSHIP BY

INCREASING THE COST OF A RELATIONSHIP TO THE OTHER

PERSON. DEMAND MORE TIME, MONEY, ETC.

INCREASE THE COST

STRATEGIES FOR POST-DISSOLUTION

RECOVERY

STRATEGIES TO RECOVER: 1. EXPRESS EMOTION 2. FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED 3. REALIZE, DON'T IDEALIZE 4. PREPARE TO FEEL BETTER 5. EXPECT TO HEAL 6. TALK TO OTHERS 7. GET PERSPECTIVE 8. PREPARE FOR WHAT'S AHEAD

SUMMARY: SPECIFIC RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DE-ESCALATION AND TERMINATION OF RELATIONSHIPS