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INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
CHAPTER TEN UNDERSTANDING INTERPERSONAL
RELATIONSHIPS PART 2-CHALLENGES
RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES
1. WHAT ARE SOME SPECIFIC CHALLENGES IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS?
2. HOW DO YOU KNOW A RELATIONSHIP IS GOING BAD?
3. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE? 4. WHY BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE? 5. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING PESTERED TO DEATH AND BEING STALKED?
PREVIEW: SPECIFIC RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DE-ESCALATION AND TERMINATION OF RELATIONSHIPS
RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES:
VIOLATIONS OF
RELATIONAL EXPECTATIONS
PHYSICAL SEPARATION AND DISTANCE
RELATIONSHIPS THAT
CHALLENGE SOCIAL NORMS
CHALLENGE 1
VIOLATION OF RELATIONAL
EXPECTATIONS
A VIOLATION OF AN UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP IS CALLED A FAILURE EVENT. EFFECTIVELY MANAGING A FAILURE EVENT CAN LEAD TO A GREATER APPRECIATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP. FAILURE EVENTS OCCUR ON A CONTINUUM OF SEVERITY FIDELITY-------------INFIDELITY
A RESPONSE TO A FAILURE EVENT IS
CALLED A:
REPROACH
REPROACH CAN BE VERBAL OR NONVERBAL:
"YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY
CARD"
JUST BEING COLD AND DISTANT ALL DAY (SILENT
TREATMENT)
WHEN THE OTHER PARTNER RESPONDS TO THE REPROACH, THE RESPONSE IS
CALLED AN:
ACCOUNT.
THERE ARE 5 FORMS OF ACCOUNTS:
1. APOLOGIES
2. EXCUSES
3. JUSTIFICATIONS
4. DENIALS
5. SILENCE
AGGRIEVED PARTY MAY RESPOND
WITH FORGIVENESS OR
RETALIATION
VIOLATION OF RELATIONAL EXPECTATION FAILURE EVENT REPROACH ACCOUNT
CHALLENGE 2
PHYSICAL SEPARATION AND
DISTANCE
PHYSICAL SEPARATION AND DISTANCE
THE (ARTIFICIAL?) POSITIVES: • PARTNERS WORK HARDER TO
BE ON GOOD BEHAVIOR WHEN TOGETHER
• EASIER TO MAINTAIN IDEALIZED
IMAGE OF PARTNER THE NEGATIVES: • DISTANCE, MONEY, TIME,
DISRUPTION OF ROUTINE
PHYSICAL SEPARATION AND DISTANCE AND THE SOCIAL
EXCHANGE THEORY: THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP IS WELL SUITED FOR SOCIAL EXCHANGE THEORY ANALYSIS. PARTNERS MAY WEIGH COSTS AND BENEFITS OF CONTINUING RELATIONSHIP.
CHALLENGE 3
RELATIONSHIPS THAT CHALLENGE
SOCIAL NORMS
RELATIONSHIPS THAT CHALLENGE SOCIAL
NORMS
EACH CULTURE ENCOURAGES SOME RELATIONSHIPS AND
DISCOURAGES OTHERS. THESE NORMS ARE BASED
ON CULTURAL VALUES, BIASES, AND PREJUDICES.
RELATIONSHIPS AFFECTED INCLUDE THOSE BETWEEN
RACES, RELIGIONS, ETHNICITY, AGES, OR SEXUAL
ORIENTATION.
RELATIONSHIPS THAT
CHALLENGE SOCIAL NORMS
ONE'S OWN RACIAL OR ETHNIC GROUP IS CALLED THE "IN GROUP". GROUPS
DIFFERENT FROM OUR OWN ARE CALLED "OUT GROUPS."
http://law-library.rutgers.edu/SSM.html#symp
SAME SEX RELATIONSHIP: SCHOLARSHIP AND HISTORY
SPECIFIC RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES
VIOLATION OF RELATIONAL EXPECTATIONS PHYSICAL SEPARATION AND DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS THAT CHALLENGE SOCIAL NORMS
THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
DECEPTION COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS JEALOUSY OBSESSIVE RELATIONAL INTRUSION STALKING RELATIONAL VIOLENCE
DECEPTION
DECEPTION INTENTIONALLY HOLDING BACK REQUESTED OR EXPECTED INFORMATION IS:
DECEPTION BY:
OMMISSION.
DECEPTION DELIBERATELY PRESENTING INFORMATION ONE KNOWS TO BE FALSE IS:
DECEPTION BY:
COMMISSION.
THE GREY AREAS OF DECEPTION BY COMMISSION
WHITE LIES: SLIGHT DEGREE OF FALSIFICATION THAT HAS MINIMAL CONSEQUENCE EXAGGERATION: "STRETCHING THE TRUTH" OR EMBELLISHING THE FACTS BALDFACED LIE: OUTRIGHT FALSIFICATION OF INFORMATION INTENDED TO DECEIVE LISTENER
DECEPTION WE DECEIVE FOR SEVERAL REASONS: 1. TO GAIN RESOURCES (BERNIE MADOFF) 2. TO AVOID HARM OR LOSS OF RESOURCES (CHILD LIES ABOUT BREAKING DISH) 3. TO PROTECT ONE'S SELF IMAGE ("I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN, MS. LEWINSKY.")
DECEPTION REASONS TO DECEIVE (CONT.) 4. FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ("SCARE TACTICS", "PUNKED") 5. TO PROTECT ANOTHER PERSON'S RESOURCES, SELF IMAGE, OR SAFETY ("YES, DEAR, YOU LOOK NICE TONIGHT")
DECEPTION EFFECTS OF DECEPTION 1. INCORRECT DECISIONS (BERNIE MADOFF) 2. HARMING RELATIONSHIPS 3. LOSS OF TRUST (SPOUSES, FRIENDS) 4. HARMING INNOCENT BYSTANDERS (CLINTON CABINET) 5. ADDITIONAL HARM (GULIT)
HOW DOES INTERPERSONAL INTIMACY AFFECT DECEPTION?
THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DECEPTION COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS
COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS CAN I AVOID IT?
NO. HOW WE MANAGE THEM WILL AFFECT LEVEL OF SATISFACTION IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS
WE RESPOND TO HURTFUL MESSAGES IN 3 WAYS: 1. ACTIVE VERBAL RESPONSES 2. ACQUIESCENT RESPONSES 3. INVULNERABLE RESPONSES
WE CAN REACT VERBALLY WITH SARCASTIC OR SELF DEFENSIVE STATEMENTS. THESE TYPES OF STATEMENTS ARE CALLED
ACTIVE VERBAL RESPONSES.
WE CAN CRY, CONCEDE, OR APOLOGIZE. THESE TYPES OF RESPONSES ARE CALLED
ACQUIESCENT RESPONSES.
WE CAN IGNORE THE MESSAGE, LAUGH, OR REMAIN SILENT. THESE TYPES OF RESPONSES ARE CALLED
INVULNERABLE RESPONSES.
THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DECEPTION COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS JEALOUSY
JEALOUSY WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ENVY AND JEALOUSY? ENVY-A FEELING OF DISCONTENT ARISING FROM A DESIRE FOR SOMETHING SOMEONE ELSE HAS. JEALOUSY-REACTION TO THE THREAT OF LOSING A VALUED RELATIONSHIP
JEALOUSY THE POINT AT WHICH ONE BEGINS TO THINK ABOUT LOSING A RELATIONSHIP IS CALLED COGNITIVE JEALOUSY. THE POINT AT WHICH THESE THOUGHTS BEGIN TO AFFECT ONE'S FEELINGS IS CALLED EMOTIONAL OR AFFECTIVE JEALOUSY.
JEALOUSY ONE CAN USE JEALOUSY AS A TACTIC TO TEST A RELATIONSHIP, BOLSTER SELF ESTEEM, IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP, OR TO PUNISH ONE'S PARTNER. FLIRTATION FACADE-SEND ONESELF FLOWERS, LEAVE FAKE PHONE NUMBER, EXPRESS INTEREST IN ANOTHER
JEALOUSY HOW SHOULD WE DEAL WITH JEALOUSY? 1. DETERMINE WHETHER TO RAISE THE ISSUE 2. CALMLY EXPRESS FEELINGS 3. PRESENT ONESELF IN A POSITIVE MANNER 4. EXPRESS CARING ATTITUDE 5. AVOID ANGRY OR THREATENING RESPONSE
THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DECEPTION COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS JEALOUSY OBSESSIVE RELATIONAL INTRUSION AND STALKING
ORI AND STALKING
WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT GUY WHO
BUGS YOU ALL THE TIME BUT IS NOT QUITE A STALKER
YET?
WHEN A PERSON:
WE DO NOT KNOW OR WITH WHOM WE ARE
ACQUAINTED
DESIRES A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH US
AND REPEATEDLY INVADES OUR PRIVACY,
THE SITUATION IS CALLED: OBSESSIVE RELATIONAL
INTRUSION.
BEHAVIORS ASSOCIATED WITH ORI:
UNREGULATED SELF
DISCLOSURE
TRYING TO GET THE OTHER TO DISCLOSE
SENDING UNWANTED GIFTS ARRANGING COINCIDENTAL
MEETINGS EXPRESSING A DESIRE FOR
PHYSICAL CONTACT
THE MARK OF ORI IS A REPEATED AND SUSTANED
PATTERN OF THESE BEHAVIORS AFTER REJECTION
WHEN REPEATED UNWELCOME INTRUSIONS CREATE CONCERN FOR PERSONAL SAFETY AND FEAR, THE SITUATION IS KNOWN AS:
STALKING.
STALKING=
ELEMENTS OF ORI+
CONCERN FOR PERSONAL SAFETY
+FEAR
STALKING RESPONSES TO STALKING: 1. HARDEN THE TARGET-MAKE IT HARDER TO CONTACT YOU (UNLISTED PHONE NUMBER, P.O.BOX, ETC.) 2. KEEP OTHERS APPRISED 3. AVOIDANCE-TELL INTRUDER TO LEAVE YOU ALONE, THEN AVOID ALL CONTACT
THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DECEPTION COMMUNICATION THAT HURTS FEELINGS JEALOUSY OBSESSIVE RELATIONAL INTRUSION AND STALKING RELATIONAL VIOLENCE
RELATIONAL VIOLENCE FULL RANGE OF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS AIMED AT OTHER PEOPLE, INCLUDING AGGRESSIVENESS, THREATS, VIOLENT ACTS, VERBAL ABUSE, PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE, PHYSICAL ABUSE.
RELATIONAL VIOLENCE
WHEN VIOLENCE IS USED TO CONTROL OR DOMINATE, IT IS CALLED
INTIMATE TERRORISM. (SOCIOLOGIST MICHAEL JOHNSON)
RELATIONAL VIOLENCE
WHEN VIOLENCE IS IN RESPONSE TO AN ATTEMPT TO CONTROL, IT IS CALLED
VIOLENT RESISTENCE.
(JOHNSON)
RELATIONAL VIOLENCE
WHEN COUPLES USE VIOLENCE IN SPECIFIC
RELATIONAL CONFLICTS IT IS CALLED
SITUATIONAL COUPLE VIOLENCE
(JOHNSON)
RELATIONAL VIOLENCE-WHO
COMMITS IT:
INTIMATE TERRORISM-MEN
VIOLENT RESISTENCE-
WOMEN
SCV-BOTH
RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DE-ESCALATION AND TERMINATION OF RELATIONSHIPS
DESCALATION AND TERMINATION OF A RELATIONSHIP
CATEGORIES OF PROBLEMS (GOTTMAN):
1. CRITICISMS 2. CONTEMPT 3. DEFENSIVE BEHAVIORS 4. STONEWALLING
THE DECISION TO END A RELATIONSHIP:
BILATERAL DISSOLUTION-BOTH PARTIES DECIDE TO END UNILATERAL DISSOLUTION-PARTIES MAY DISAGREE
HOW RELATIONSHIPS END
FADING AWAY-RELATIONSHIP ENDS BY SLOWLY DRIFTING APART INCREMENTALISM-RELATIONSHIP ENDS BY SYSTEMATIC PROGRESSION THROUGH THE STAGES OF DE-ESCALATION
REASONS FOR DE-ESCALATION: 1. JEALOUSY2. BETRAYING CONFIDENCES3. NOT VOLUTEERING HELP4. NOT TRUSTING5. PUBLIC CRITICISM6. LACK OF POSITIVE REGARD7. NOT HAVING THEIR BACK8. INTOLERANCE FOR CO-FREINDS9. LACK OF EMOTIONAL SUPPORT10. NAGGINGBEEBE, BEEBE, & REDMOND, P. 302
STRATEGIES FOR ENDING
RELATIONSHIPS
STRATEGIES FOR ENDING RELATIONSHIPS
DIRECT DIRECT STATEMENT
STRATEGIES FOR ENDING RELATIONSHIPS: INDIRECT WITHDRAW REDEFINE
INCREASE COST
WE CAN DIRECTLY END A RELATIONSHIP BY DIRECTLY STATING DESIRE TO END IT
AND HONESTLY EXPLAIN WHY OR:
HONESTLY STATE DESIRE TO
DE-ESCALATE AND WHY
WE CAN INDIRECTLY END RELATIONSHIP BY
WITHDRAWING FROM CONTACT WITHOUT
EXPLANATION
WE CAN INDIRECTLY END RELATIONSHIP BY CLAIMING TO REDEFINE IT INSTEAD OF
JUST ENDING IT.
"LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS."
WE CAN INDIRECTLY END A RELATIONSHIP BY
INCREASING THE COST OF A RELATIONSHIP TO THE OTHER
PERSON. DEMAND MORE TIME, MONEY, ETC.
STRATEGIES FOR POST-DISSOLUTION
RECOVERY
STRATEGIES TO RECOVER: 1. EXPRESS EMOTION 2. FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED 3. REALIZE, DON'T IDEALIZE 4. PREPARE TO FEEL BETTER 5. EXPECT TO HEAL 6. TALK TO OTHERS 7. GET PERSPECTIVE 8. PREPARE FOR WHAT'S AHEAD
SUMMARY: SPECIFIC RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGES THE DARK SIDE OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIPS DE-ESCALATION AND TERMINATION OF RELATIONSHIPS
