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ACT fourSCENE ONE
CAULDRON
Okay, my sisters, let’s put disgusting things into this cauldron to give
Macbeth a spooky look at his future.
ACT fourSCENE ONE
CAULDRON
Here’s a bit of snake, an eye of a salamander, a
toe of a frog, tongue of a snake, baby owl’s wing,
and a lizard’s leg.Where do you do your shopping?
ACT fourSCENE ONE
CAULDRON
Here’s a tooth of a wolf, a McGriddle, the liver of a blaspheming Jew, the finger of a baby delivered in a ditch then strangled at birth
by its prostitute mother, a tiger’s intestines, and a toaster cord.
ACT fourSCENE ONE
CAULDRON
That’s the grossest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I hope there’s enough room for me to toss my
cookies in that cauldron.
ACT fourSCENE ONE
CAULDRON
By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.
Open locks, whoever knocks!
MAcbeth
ACT fourSCENE ONE
CAULDRONMAcbeth
Okay, just need to pour in the blood of a pig that ate her nine children and the grease from where a murderer was hung.
ACT fourSCENE ONE
CAULDRONMAcbeth
Good God, that was disturbing. Thanks, bloody child. I don’t need to fear Macduff anymore, because he must be of woman
born. But, I’ll kill him anyway…
ACT fourSCENE ONE
CAULDRONMAcbeth
How can the woods come to my castle at Dunsinane? That’s impossible… Sweet! I’m safe forever! But one thing I need to know – will Banquo’s sons still be kings?
ACT fourSCENE ONE
CAULDRONMAcbeth
No, I must have answers! Tell me or a curse will fall on you skanks!
ACT fourSCENE ONE
CAULDRONMAcbeth
That one looks like Fleance! Get out of here!
The next one too! Look at that crown!
The third one is just like the first!
And there are just more and more!Now Banquo’s bloody face smiles at me! That sucks!
Is it true?
ACT fourSCENE ONE
MAcbethLENNOX
Damn! I should have killed that Macduff when I had the chance! Now that I know that I’m basically
indestructible, I will act on every impulse I have.
ACT fourSCENE ONE
MAcbethLENNOX
First things first – I’ll send my thugs over to Macduff’s place to kill his wife and kids! That’ll teach
him! No more thinking about actions – just action!
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonROSS LadyLady
MacduffMacduff
My husband wasn’t. He ran off because he was scared to fight
in a war. He’s a traitor.
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonROSS LadyLady
MacduffMacduff
Maybe he ran off because of being wise, not scared.
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonROSS LadyLady
MacduffMacduff
Wise?! To leave me and the kids alone in a place he
abandoned? He’s left us here unprotected!
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonROSS LadyLady
MacduffMacduff
Okay, your husband is not a bad guy – he has his reasons. It’s horrible times when being true to your country makes you
a traitor. But, I gotta go. Take care of yourself, Sonny.
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonROSS LadyLady
MacduffMacduff
I’d be a fool to stay here longer, and I’ll start crying if
I don’t get outta here.
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonLadyLady
MacduffMacduff
Who sets a bird trap? I’ll be fine. Besides, Dad’s not dead
for real.
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonLadyLady
MacduffMacduff
Oh yeah, he’s dead. What will you do for a
father now?
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonLadyLady
MacduffMacduff
One that swears and lies. Anyone who does
should be hanged.
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonLadyLady
MacduffMacduff
Then the liars and swearers are idiots, because there are enough of them to beat the honest men and hang them.
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonLadyLady
MacduffMacduff
Oh, my sweet dear monkey! What will you do without a father?
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonLadyLady
MacduffMacduff
If Dad was dead, you’d be crying. If you weren’t crying, it
would be a good sign that a new dad would be around soon.
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonLadyLady
MacduffMacduff
Oh no! Where should I go? I’ve done nothing
wrong. Oh course, in this world, sometimes it’s best
to do harm.
ACT fourSCENE two
SonSonLadyLady
MacduffMacduff
Hopefully nowhere so unholy that you creeps can find him!
MEANWHILE, IN ENGLAND
SCENE THREE
ACT four
SonSonLadyLady
MacduffMacduff
I’m dead! Run mom!BLOOD BATH!
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Forget that! Let’s go save Scotland. Each day we wait, it gets worse and
worse there.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
When the time’s right, we will. You say you hate
Macbeth, but you might be here to spy on me for him.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Yeah, but Macbeth is, and he might have commanded you to
do this. But I’ll find a way to prove your loyalty. You still have your virtue, you know?
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
I notice you left your wife and kids behind, and that gives me doubts about you. How
could you trust they would be okay? Don’t take offense, I just got to watch my back.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Ach, poor Scotland. That tyranny that destroys my country would never have me on its side. I could not be the villain you suspect.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Don’t be offended. I think our country is in a dire situation and I look forward to going over there
and killing that Macbeth and taking over, but then the country will have
an even worse ruler, I’m afraid.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Me, my man. I’m so wicked evil that when I rule, Macbeth
will seem as pure as snow compared to my wickedness.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Sure, he’s bloody, lustful, violent, false, greedy, lying, unhygienic, evil, laundry-
thieving, luxurious, envious, crabby, annoying, flatulent, shrill, disturbing, perverted, creepy, compulsive, pickled,
drunk, snoring, eating his own dandruff, parking in
handicapped spaces, sweaty, mean, smelly, tasteless, loud,
obnoxious, avaricious, voluptuous, compulsively-scratching, intimidating,
unable to discern between ham and beef, ugly,
anachronistic, repetitive, and
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
But I am worse. I’m so lustful, that your wives, daughters, matrons, maids, nieces, and
grandmothers could not satisfy my desires. Anyone who tried to stop me would be killed. It’s better to have Macbeth than a
horny freak like me.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Yeah, lustfulness has brought down a lot of people, but when you’re king, your appetites can
be satisfied by all the chicks that would be willing to give
themselves to the king.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Yeah, but I am also so greedy that, if king, I will steal nobles’ lands, take their money and houses, and then just want
more. I’ll start fights and wars to destroy anyone for their
money.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Okay… Greed is bad too, but again, when you’re king, you
get so much wealth and power that you might be satisfied. And
these problems might be balanced with your virtues.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Oh buddy, I ain’t got no virtues. I have no honesty, mercy, loyalty, patience, courage,
fortitude, or stableness. I got no time for them, only time for
crime. When I have my power, I’ll bring hell to earth! Yee-haw!
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Fit to be king?! No, you’re not fit to live! Scotland is screwed! Macbeth is awful, but I don’t want you to be king either! I will never be able to return to
my beloved homeland!
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
Dude, I got some good news. I was just testing you, buddy, and you’re solid. I’m not a bad guy –
I have never lied (except just now), would stay loyal to
anyone, have never even been with a woman, and delight in
everything that is good! What I am truly is yours and our
country’s to command. Old Siward and I have ten thousand men ready to invade Scotland.
Let’s go join him and kick Macbeth’s butt!
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
I’m here to talk about how England’s king heals people with his hands. It’s not too important to the story. Shakespeare put
me in the play because he knew King James the First liked witchcraft so much.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
ROSS
Scotland’s getting ready for war, but a lot of people are
rebelling and want to help you.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
ROSS
Well, let them know that we have ten thousand of Old Siward’s
troops heading their way.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
ROSS
Wow, I really wish I had as good of news to share with you. I got
some bad news for Macduff.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
ROSS
Your castle was attacked, and your family was slaughtered. It
was apparently a, um, bloodbath.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
ROSS
Merciful heaven! Macduff – let your sorrow out – we’re
here for you, buddy.
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
ROSS
I could cry and boast about what I will do, but I will instead
just say this –Macbeth – thy butt is mine!
ACT fourSCENE THREE
MALCOLM
ROSS
Let’s go do it! Our troops are ready and Macbeth is ready to
fall. Let’s go do this!!!
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