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Confessions of a shady investor
Disclaimer: I’m not a real investor. Therefore it’s even more funny that I hear
all of these things on a regular basis.
Money back guarantee!
“we have ready clients in [country name] and will be making millions in profit in 12 months. this investment is a sure win!”
You’ll be making millions, not my money.
God’s gift to investors
“because you’re investing in ME and I’m awesome, your money will become awesome.”
And my money can smell nicer than yours.
Track Record
“I’ve sold two companies of mine for millions, and now I just need fifty grand to do it again.”
Why don’t you use those millions?
Testimonials
“best tool I ever used, growth in profits were enormous!” – Satisfied user, John Chapman
Until we googled and found out that John Chapman was a convicted fraudster who operated on fiverr.com
I have a dream
“I am offering you the privilege to buy into my dream.”
I am so flattered.
Supporting your kind
“you have to invest because you’re also female / asian/ chinese/ from Singapore”
Talk about relating to your investors.
The part-time CEO
“I’m still in the army/ school/ full time working at a job. With your investment, I expect that I can hire someone full time to cover my role.”
And your job is…?
User Acquisition
“I’m gonna spend all the investment monies advertising on facebook/ google/ some form of media.”
And um, what’s a marketing/ media strategy plan?
Speed dating
From: [email protected] Subject: [None] Message Body: “Hi, I am interest in working with you in regards to getting funding for my start up.” Lonely hearts scam also can.
Bullshit
After rejecting an investment proposal…
“You’re bullshit! You don’t have any money and cannot put your money where your mouth is!”
Yep, total bullshit.
You must be stupid
After offering some opposing views at a public pitching event, an irate entrepreneur exclaims “You must be stupid, you don’t understand how amazing this is!” You must be stupider to be pitching to stupid.
Bonus slide
What investors really look for
who
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What investors really look for
what
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What investors really look for
how
