To my father: Steven Antonio

R.I.P. 03/07/2012

Steven Robert Antonio

He was the son of Robert and Nancy Antonio and the brother of Kim, Karla, and Scott Antonio. They lived in Connecticut. He was mischievous and rebellious in his youth. He moved to Florida to work in transportation, and he met my mother. They married in 1989, and they had their first daughter in 1990. Within 3 more years, they had 2 more girls. He loved to take his girls camping and teach them how to water ski. He loved being involved with their school and helping in any way that he could. He had many friends because of his humorous personality, but he also had quite a temper. He missed his Northern roots and moved his family to North Carolina. As the years went by, he fell out of love and divorced his wife. He then moved to Asheville in an apartment downtown. He lived the single life, and he spent time with his girls every so often. He would travel a lot and spend time with friends as well. He loved going to his parents’ cabin in Maine and having his girls there as well. He had a passion for the wilderness and was always outdoors. He lived his life to make others happy, and he will be missed by many.

Poem for Dad

A New Meaning of PainI remember that day so

vividly. My boyfriend and I were traveling to Ohio to visit his family for spring break. We were only a few hours away, driving through the green hills of West Virginia, when I got a worried call from my younger sister, “Jessi, Dad is missing.” “What do you mean he is missing?” I asked. “No one knows where he is and we can’t get a hold of him,” stated my sister. “Well I’m sure he just went camping or hiking. He always goes off on his own in the wilderness,” I said. I got off the phone with my mind at ease. I knew my dad, and I was sure he was fine, but I could not have been more mistaken. A little while later I got another call from my older sister. Her voice was weak and filled with fear, “Something bad has happened. You need to come home right now.” “Daniella, I can’t come home we are almost there. What are you talking about?” I asked. “Mom is going to call you soon, but come home.” She told me.

A New Meaning of PainWhen I got off the phone, I felt a

deep heaviness on my chest. Time seemed to stop until I got the next call. My mom told me that they had found my dad asphyxiated in his car. He had killed himself. They had found him on that Wednesday, but they thought he had died on Sunday. I had so many questions, but she could not answer them for me. The rest of the trip was filled with the sound of my sobs and an endlessly runny nose. I kept re-thinking the last time I talked to my dad. We did not have the best relationship, but we usually talked once a week. He had called me on Friday, right before I went to a concert for my birthday. The conversation was normal but brief because he wanted me to have fun with my friends, but when I think back to it now, I can hear the sadness in his voice. Why didn’t I ask him if he was okay? How I wish I could go back in time. Tuesday was my birthday, and I did not hear from him. I did not think much of it because my dad was never good at remembering birthdays. Now I know why he did not call.

A New Meaning of PainThe next months were a struggle. I felt

myself going through some of the stages of grief: denial, anger, depression. It did not feel real. You hear about people committing suicide, but it is not supposed to happen to you. I couldn’t grasp the fact that he was really gone. There would be days when I wanted to just pick up the phone and call him. Even now when I accomplish something great, I wish I could call him just to hear how proud of me he would be. I would also be filled with rage. How could he do this to us? How could he willingly choose to leave us? I can’t forgive him for what he did. He left us nothing but a note saying he was sorry. We have no explanation or reason why, and I think this is why it is so hard to be at peace. I did not know how to be happy. I would lie in bed all day, and I would listen to the songs that reminded me of him. I found myself crying at every memory that reminded me of him or when I saw girls spending time with their fathers. I was even jealous of people I knew who had lost their fathers to sickness or accidents because at least their fathers did not choose their fate. Mine did.

A New Meaning of Pain

I have never before known this kind of pain. This pain is not something that goes away. It is always there, waiting to make me crumble. I try to push it away by focusing on everything else around me, but it reappears without warning as all the memories come rushing back. It has taken part of me, and I can’t seem to remember who I was before it appeared. The happiness that I used to know is hiding in the darkness. All I can do is keep pushing forward and keep looking for a way to find closure, a way to find myself.

5 Steps to Overcome a Death

1. Cry: Believe it or not, crying does help. It gets out all of the bottled up emotions and pain. Cry as much as you can. I would always cry whenever I was alone, and just getting those tears out made me feel so much better.

5 Steps to Overcome a Death

2. Talk about it: I learned that talking about your feelings is very helpful in healing. Whether it is talking to a friend, yourself, or writing it down, physically manifesting those thoughts are key. It will also clear your mind and put you at ease.

5 Steps to Overcome a Death

3. Get up and out: Getting out of bed and out of the house is the best way to heal. I learned this the hard way. I wanted to stay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself, but I felt so much better when I went out with friends or spent time outside. The world has a way of healing your pain.

5 Steps to Overcome a Death

4. Take your time: Grieving is a process, and to me it is a never-ending one. There is not a set amount of time allotted for grieving, so don’t rush it. Each of us heals in our own way in our own time.

5 Steps to Overcome a Death

5. Celebrate life: Although being sad is part of death, happiness should be too. Remember the good times and cherish the moments you spent with the one you lost. Be thankful for having that person in your life and all the smiles they brought you.

Daddy’s Girl

LifeWe have been given this beautiful

gift. This gift called life. We are only given one, and we never know how much time we have to use it. What I

have learned is to not take a single day for granted. Cherish the moments you have, and do not forget them. Tell the people you care about how you feel

because you might not get a chance to tomorrow. Love with all your power. Make other people happy. Support a cause. Do not be afraid to chase your dreams, and do not be afraid to fail.

Failing is only what happens when you don’t try. Reconnect with your faith.

Travel the world, and learn new things. Fall in love as much as possible. This life is all we have, so don’t take it for

granted.

Dear Dad

About the Author

I am Jessica Antonio. I am a Senior at UNC Charlotte, and soon I will be an elementary school teacher. I love playing soccer and coaching. I am a Spanish minor, and I love traveling all over the world and learning about different cultures.

I did this project in order to gain closure and express my feelings over the death of my father. It is dedicated to him. The intended audience is my family to help them find peace.