Discipline and Self Esteem

DISCIPLINE AND SELF ESTEEM

Mary John

8th June, 2012

Discipline is not the same as punishment as most of us think.

Through effective discipline children learn how to cooperate with others and how to manage their own behavior.

Discipline

• Helping your child to have realistic expectations, mutual respect, and encouragement form the basis for discipline.

• Why do children behave as they do?

• Heredity, family values, role models, school atmosphere, relations with peers and teachers, type of parenting, position in the family…………. all influence the child, as to who they think they are, and what they think is worth working for.

Discipline

Purpose for behavior

Most behavior has a social purpose such as:

– A place to belong

– A high need to belong to the important individuals they relate to.

– They discover that certain behavior could lead to being successful in belonging.

– This could be by being positive and if that does not work then they will achieve this through misbehavior.

Goals of misbehavior

• Attention: This becomes a misbehavior when

children believe that they can belong only by demanding attention.

• Power: Power becomes a misbehavior when children believe they can belong by being the boss.

• Revenge: When children believe that they can belong only by hurting others as they have been hurt.

Goals of misbehavior…contd.

• Display Inadequacy: This happens over time, as they could have been discouraged over time. Children who are inadequate believe that they belong only by convincing others not to expect anything from them.

Managing misbehavior

• Attention: When ever possible ignore

misbehavior that seeks attention. • Refuse to be annoyed. • Avoid giving attention when the child is asking for

it. • Always be sure to give positive attention when

your child is not expecting it. This ensures that he/she will receive attention when she deserves it but not when she is demanding for it.


• Power: Remember to withdraw from the conflict by refusing to fight or give in – try not to show anger. If possible let the child experience consequences of his misbehavior.

• Revenge: Instead of trying to get even, work to build trust and mutual respect. The cycle of revenge will subside only when you stop feeling hurt.


• Feeling of Inadequacy: Do not give up on a child who displays inadequate behavior

• Focus instead, on the child’s slightest effort to improve.

Building Self esteem

• Self esteem is nothing but a positive view of oneself. It is an attitude we develop when we are loved and we know we are lovable and capable.

• Healthy self esteem leads to positive self image and hence we tend to value ourselves.

• Children who feel good about themselves are better able to handle the world and its challenges.

Behaviors that help in building self esteem

• Mutual respect: Treat your child with respect and expect the same from him.

• Respect yourself: This will happen only when you value, appreciate, and accept yourself as you are.

• Help to develop own goals and interests in your child

• Try and recognize your child’s efforts rather than focusing only on the results.

Behaviors that help in building self esteem

• Mistakes should be viewed as lessons to be learnt and not to be feared.

• Give reasonable control over their lives when ever possible.

• Value and accept them as they are.

• Do not compare your child with any one else.

What is misbehavior?

• A behavior that is unacceptable by the significant person in their life.

• This will vary according to the age the child is in.

• Often children misbehave without intending to.

• How we react to unintentional behavior will determine whether that behavior will be repeated in future.

Importance of Love

• Communicating Love: When children know that they are loved, they believe they are lovable, this helps in developing self esteem and confidence.

• Tell your child you love her clearly and directly, if possible on a daily basis.

• Show appreciation • Show love through touch, which is more powerful

than words. • Spend focused time with your child • Guide behavior through respect

Importance of Love….contd.

• Psychological neglect: when loving words and touch are seldom or never given, a form of abuse takes place that could have lasting negative effects on your child.

• Wrong words or touches communicate lack of love (violent and sexual), which is called physical abuse.

• Wrong words (insulting, constantly critical) are called verbal abuse.

• Withdrawing of love and attention is called emotional abuse.

Effective Discipline

• Effective discipline helps children learn how to cooperate with others and to manage their own behavior.

• The typical reward and punishment methods could work for a while but could have undesirable long term consequences.

• Rewards teach children that they have a right to expect payment for their cooperation. This will teach them to always expect a reward for behaving in the expected manner.


• Encouragement is given for effort or improvement, for the process, it isn’t based on the result, but on the child’s strengths. While praise is a type of reward valued only for the results shown.

• Encouragement can be given at any time, even when a child is not doing too well. This help in developing self esteem and be self motivated.

• While when a child is praised she learns that it is important to please in order to be appreciated.

• Praise should be used with encouragement and praise can be encouraging if you accept your child as she is.


• Ignore misbehavior (both in your body language and facial expression), persistence will pay off.

• Distract your child

• Structure the environment by laying down rules and respecting what is hers. They feel more secure if they know what is to be expected.

• Control the situation not the child, by giving choices made by you.

• Involve the child when making decisions

• Let go (when they cooperate most of the time), by explaining why the behavior was not addressed.


• Be consistent • Notice positive behavior often, this will prevent

misbehavior. • Could use time out to make her understand • Discipline used at home should be used else where as

well. If used differently then they could manipulate you to misbehave and hold you ransom.

• Remember to say as little as possible when they misbehave say only what needs to be said and then act.

• Make it clear when there is no choice


• Punishment is based on fear, it is an attack on the child’s self esteem and usually invites rebellion.

• It involves threats which usually are not carried out.

• Yelling teaches children to pay attention only when screamed at.

• Over reaction makes problems worse by magnifying its importance

• Spanking teaches children that it is alright to hit another to solve problems and to be in control. Most parents overcompensate after spanking as a result of guilt.


• What is discipline then?

• It is a learning process, and the goal is to inculcate self discipline, to guide children to be responsible and cooperative.

• The key is to establish mutual respect, children respond to respect and positive expectations.

• Try to encourage the child while he tries to change his behavior rather than wait till the end to praise him.

Love & Respect your child…….

And the world will, in turn,

love & respect him.

Walk your talk for him

……..Mary John

Self Improvement

Discipline and Self Esteem