Self - Esteem

“Self-esteem is more than merely recognizing one’s positive qualities. It is an attitude of acceptance and non-judgement towards self and

others.”

- Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning

What is Self-Esteem?

• As a group at your table or in pairs define self-esteem.

• What is it?• What increases self-esteem?• What decreases self-esteem?

Defining Self-EsteemNathaniel Branden, PhD, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

• Self-esteem is:

– the ability or willingness to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness.

– confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think.

– confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change.

– the belief that success, achievement, fulfillment—happiness—are right and natural for us.

– grounded in reality and built over time

What Self-Esteem is NOT

• Self-esteem is not the euphoria that may be temporarily induced by a drug, a compliment, love affair, or happy event.

• It is not an illusion or hallucination.

• If it is not grounded in reality, if it is not built over time through experience and careful thought, it is not self-esteem.

Exercise

• Visualizing strong self-esteem

Reflection

• On a piece of paper, reflect on your visualization:

–Why do you want self-esteem?–What will strong self-esteem give you?–What will you be able to do?– How grounded in reality is your vision?

Misconceptions• Self-esteem does not come from others, peers or outside

ourselves

• Alcohol and drugs to not increase self-esteem

• “Self-esteem is best nurtured by selfless (!) service to the community.”

• “Stop struggling to achieve self-esteem. Turn your problems over to God. Realize that you are a child of God—and that is all you need to have self-esteem.”

• the measure of our personal worth is our external achievements

• Inflated egotism, delusions and unrealistic perceptions are not self-esteem.

Some Definitions

• Self-esteem

• Self-acceptance

• Self-confidence

• Self-respect

Self-esteem

• The belief that success, achievement, fulfillment—happiness—are right and natural for us.

• Related to “Unconditional High Regard” of ourselves and others.

Self-acceptance

• The knowledge that no one is perfect and the acceptance of ourselves with our strengths and weaknesses.

• AND—our MISTAKES!

• Self-forgiveness plays a role in this

Self-confidence

• The belief and knowledge that we can learn or complete a task.

• Our willingness and ability to risk and try new things

• Built overtime through a history of success and on going learning.

Self-respect

• Self-respect – the relationship between our actions, values, and actual behaviour.

• Built from our integrity.

The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

six practices essential for the nurturing and sustaining of healthy self-esteem:

– the practice of living consciously, – the practice of living of self-acceptance,– the practice of living of self-responsibility, – the practice of living of self-assertiveness, – the practice of living of purposefulness, – and the practice of integrity.

Living Consciously• respect for facts;

• being present to what we are doing while are doing it;

• seeking and being eagerly open to any information, knowledge, or feedback that bears on our interests, values, goals, and projects;

• seeking to understand not only the world external to self but also our inner world, so that we do not out of self-blindness.

Self-Acceptance

• the willingness to own, experience, and take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions, without evasion, denial, or disowning—and also without self-repudiation;

• giving oneself permission to think one’s thoughts, experience one’s emotions, and look at one’s actions without necessarily liking, endorsing, or condoning them;

• the virtue of realism applied to the self.

Self-Responsibility

• realizing that we are the author of our choices and actions;

• that each one us is responsible for life and well-being and for the attainment of our goals; that if we need the cooperation of other people to achieve our goals, we must offer values in exchange;

• and that question is not “Who’s to blame?” but always “What needs to be done?” (“What do I need to do?”)

Self-Assertiveness

• being authentic in our dealings with others;

• treating our values and persons with decent respect in social contexts;

• refusing to fake the reality of who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid disapproval;

• the willingness to stand up for ourselves and our ideas in appropriate ways in appropriate contexts.

Living Purposefully

• identifying our short-term and long-term goals or purposes and the actions needed to attain them (formulating an action-plan);

• organizing behavior in the service of those goals;

• monitoring action to be sure we stay on track;

• and paying attention to outcome so as to recognize if and when we need to go back to the drawing-board.

Personal Integrity

• our behaviour and actions are reflections of our values and beliefs—we live what we believe;

• telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in action the values we profess to admire.

Increasing Self-Esteem• Different for everyone—observe yourself!

• re-writing outdated core beliefs

• giving our best to a task

• facing a difficult truth with courage

• taking responsibility for our actions

• speaking up when we know that that is what the situation warrants,

• refuse to betray our convictions,

• persevere even when persevering is not easy

What Lowers Self-esteem

• Negative core beliefs

• Shame over past actions

• Living opposite to our values

• Staying silent or participating in something we know is wrong

Core Beliefs

• Messages we received from authority figures when we were young (teachers, parents, religious leaders, friends, siblings, bosses, other adults).

• Statements: I AM_________________

Finding Core Beliefs

• Start with the statement, “I am...”

• Write out as many beliefs about yourself as you can (positive and negative)

• Be honest about what you believe deep down about yourself

• (feel free to write in your first language)

Re-Writing Core Beliefs

• Where did this message come from? Was it something you were told or developed from experience?

• Look at your life and skills today? Is that belief still true for you today as an adult?

• Which statements can you say are false right away? Re-write them in a statement that correctly describes your skills.

• How are you going to grow to be this corrected statement?

The Really Tough Core Beliefs

• What would it take to change this belief?

• How could you prove to yourself it is not true?

• What can you do to increase your self-respect and acceptance?

Mistakes and Shame

• Most of us have made mistakes and done things we are ashamed of.

• When we continue to hold onto our mistakes and shame and punish ourselves, it lowers ours self-esteem.

Exercise

• Fold a piece of paper in half, long ways.

• On the left, make a list of the mistakes or actions you are ashamed of that are currently lowering your self-esteem.

• (feel free to write in your first language).

Steps Towards Healing Self-Esteem

• Review the 6 Pillars—how well are you living them?

• Which one is your weakest?

• What action can you commit to for 32 days that would improve this pillar?

• At the end of 32 days, pick another pillar and work on that one.

Make Amends

• What mistakes or actions have you done that you are not proud of?

• How could you correct this mistake or make amends?

• How can you find peace with this past action?

• What will you commit to doing differently?

Get the Lesson

• What did you learn from your mistake or action?

• What did it teach you about your values?

• What “gifts” have come from this mistake?

• How has it shaped who you are?

• What do you do differently now?

Exercise Part 2

• On the right side of your page, write the lessons or gifts you gained from your experiences.

Self-Forgiveness• Look at your list of mistakes

• If your best friend, child, spouse or someone you loved made this mistake under the same circumstances, do you feel she or he should be punished for ever?

• Have you paid for your mistake long enough?

• Have you changed or do you still do this action?

• Would you forgive your friend?

• If yes, then it is time to forgive yourself.

• If no, what would it take to be able to forgive yourself?

• Commit to that action.

What are YOU Keeping?

• Tear your sheet in half so the mistakes and the lessons are on separate sheets

• You have a choice:1. Keep the mistakes/shame and throw away the lesson

2. Keep the lesson and let go of the mistake