De escalation techniques in relationship

DE-ESCALATION TECHNIQUES FOR DEFUSING CONFILICTING SITUATIONS www.spiral2grow.com

DEESCALATION TECHNIQUES FOR DEFUSING CONFLICTINGSITUATIONS

www.spiral2grow.com

http://www.spiral2grow.com/


CONFLICT DE-ESCALATION –INTRODUCTION (1)

Conflicting situations are some of the toughest things you’ll face in your relationships.

When conflicts begin to deteriorate into angry reaction, they often stop being productive.

When people have limited emotional resources, are angry, stressful or in a negative mood, they become hypervigilant/extra-sensitive to other people, especially to other people's anger.


CONFLICT DE-ESCALATION – INTRODUCTION (2)

Dealing with angry and aggressive behavior is very challenging. Anger is contagious, so when one person says or does

something in an angry manner (intentionally or not), the recipient responds angrily.

Your response to aggressive or non-cooperative behavior is often the key to avoiding a confrontation with someone who has lost control of his/her behavior.


DE-ESCALATION - DESCRIPTION

De-escalation is reduction in tension and negative energy between the parties involved.

De-escalation is not a single event, but rather a process that advances in a broad step-by-step fashion to increase or decrease the pressure within the conflict.

De-escalation is not natural and requires much awareness, skill and effort.


THE IMPORTANCE OF DE-ESCALATION

When emotions intensify, parties involved in the conflict begin to lose their reason.

Conflict may spiral out of control and can end up with both sides suffering "heavy losses."

When a potentially explosive situation occurs and negative emotions amplify, de-escalation is needed.

Given the destructive nature that escalation plays in relationships, it is important to develop tools and strategies to limit and reverse this process.


KEY FACTORS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN DE-ESCALATING (1)

The desire for de-escalation is opposite to our survival goals that drive us to fight, flee or freeze when confronted by a very angry person.

De-escalation techniques do not come naturally to us. They require skills, effort and patience.

Conflict or anger are natural to human dynamics and in themselves are not the problem.

How anger and conflict are expressed and handled would define if they are a problem or not.


KEY FACTORS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN DE-ESCALATING (2)

Given the right conditions and provocations, and in the absence of inhibitors or inability to control oneself, anyone is capable of acts of aggression and even violence.

As emotionality or anger amplify, reason and logic decline. Anger is contagious and the same applies to calmness. The main objective of conflict de-escalation is to avoid amplifying

the negative energy and to reduce the level of anger so constructive discussion becomes possible.

De-escalation techniques must be learned and practiced continuously so that they can become “second nature.”

The underlying source of aggressiveness and anger is being in a negative situation/position, losing control. Yet, at the deepest level the underlying reason for anger is fear and suffering.


Listening is difficult to master, since it is not about us. “Active listening" is about deeply understanding

another human being, and genuinely attempting to put oneself in the other person's situation.

By simply providing a sounding board and a willing ear, a person's anger can be dissipated.

By becoming a better listener, you will improve your ability to influence, persuade and negotiate.

Paraphrase what you hear. You may say “Have I heard it right that….”

01. LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND


Facts are important, but how a person feels is what affects him the most.

Empathize with feelings but not with the behavior.Watch and listen carefully for the person’s real

message, especially pay attention to their feelings.When people are feeling heard and validated, they feel

that their voice and needs are respected. Validation most likely will elicit a positive response.

02. FOCUS ON EXPRESSING FEELINGS & VALIDATION


People with a hot temper do foolish things; wiser people remain calm.

Do all in your power to remain calm.Calmness promotes positive energy and reduces

negative energy.Calmness brings the level of emotionality down to a

reasonable level. When you are calm, poised and respectful, you are

transferring your sense of genuine interest in what the person wants to communicate to you. Your message is “I am listening and want to understand you.”

03. BE CALM AND COLLECTED


Words are powerful. They can defuse a conflicting situation if used wisely.

Be careful in using words that can be interpreted as aggressive and disrespectful.

Use other person’s own words and/or paraphrase it.Be wise and respond selectively to comments or

questions with the purpose of de-escalation. Listen with empathy and try to understand where the

other person is coming from. Begin the discussion using a softened startup, the

discussion will most likely end in a more positive note.

04. COMMUNICATE WISELY


Questions clarify and probe for more information with the intention of better understanding the other side.

Questions shift people away from their negative emotional state to a more positive one.

Ask open-ended questions as they allow for more options to respond and also invite a longer response.

Two key words in open-ended questions are “What” and “How.”

05. ASK QUESTIONS


When someone is being hostile towards you they are often expect you to be defensive or aggressive.

The last thing a hostile person expects is for you to agree with them. So, use “reverse psychology,” Find something to agree on, no matter how small it is.

Starting with agreement reduces the likelihood of unnecessary resistance.

Common ground helps create a feeling of understanding and an atmosphere of collaboration.

If necessary, broaden your perspective to look at your common shared values.

06. UNCOVER COMMON GOROUND


Finding truth in other person perspectives indicate listening and validation.

Finding even a grain of truth in other person statements, can be a very powerful strategy to calm the other person.

When you find 1% of that truth in other person statements and agree with them, the antagonistic party takes away the resistance and consequently eliminates the fuel for the fire.

07. FIND TRUTH IN ALL VIEWS


Avoid making excuses or defending your actions or position.

Defensiveness can make the other person feel angrier and it may escalate the situation.

During emotionally charged situations do not try to argue or convince the other person as logical argument has very little effect during that time.

08. AVOID DEFENSIVNESS


Criticism hurts, yet when you agree with what you hear, it is best to simply acknowledge it.

Sincere apologizing is a statement of acknowledging that something that took place wasn't right or fair.

Being sorry about what you have done is letting an angry person know that you took responsibility.

An apology can easily deescalate the situation.If you communicate that next time you will try to do

better, you portray responsibility for your actions and willingness to change.

09. ACKNOWLEDGE/APPOLOGIZE & ASPIRE TO DO BETTER


Agitated individuals are hyper-sensitive to feeling judged and disrespected.

Find compassion in your heart toward the angry person.

Compassion promotes unity and de-escalation.Avoid being judgmental.

10. BE NON-JUDGMENTAL & FIND COMPASSION


Demonstrate an interest in resolving the situation based on shared goals.

Pursue a solution, and ask "What can I do to resolve the situation and make things right?"

A solution oriented approach requires collaboration.

Offer choices and optimism.

11. CONCENTRATE ON SOLUTIONS


Nonverbal communication is powerful. Our body always broadcasts what it feels. Therefore, it is

important to be aware of our body language and what it communicates.

Pay attention to your facial expression. Relax your facial muscles to appear calm and confident.

Establish "respectful" not "threatening" eye contact, yet allow the other person to break his/her gaze and look away.

Do not make gestures that might be understood as aggressive moves and avoid dramatic movements with your hands.

12. PAY ATTENTION TO BODY LAUNAGUAGE


Do not get loud or yell, particularly over a screaming person.

Wait until the other person takes a break, a breath; then talk.

Speak calmly and firmly while using a modulated and low monotonous tone of voice.

13. MANAGE YOUR TONE OF VOICE


When arguing, create a greater physical space between you and the other person.

The space created can "absorb" some of the negative energy that is produced by the anger and irritation.

Allowing personal space tends to decrease anger and anxiety and can help you prevent acting-out behavior.

14. RESPECT PERSONAL SPACE


When arguing, encourage the angry person to be seated, as a seating position is less conducive to amplify anger as compared to a standing position.

While standing and facing an angry person, it is recommended to shift one side of your body to a 45 degree angle so that your body is not squared off directly facing the aggressor.

Very angry individuals may misinterpret physical contact or touching as hostile or threatening. Be conservative in being physical and be careful of physical touch.

15. BE AWARE OF PHYSICAL STANCE AND TOUCH


Assuming in communication is misunderstanding waiting to happen.

Do not interpret feelings or thoughts, simply ask.Wherever possible, tap into the person’s thinking

mode and ask to understand; ask for feeling, thoughts, purpose etc.

People do not attack you while they are explaining or teaching you what they want you to know.

ASSUME = To make an 'ASS' out of 'U' and 'ME'

16. DON’T ASSUME OR MINDREAD


Explain the implications and consequences of certain behaviors.

Point out if certain behavior is conducive to your goals or not.

Explain the consequences of inappropriate behavior without threats or anger.

17. EXPLAIN THE CONSEQUNECES


To be more constructive respond in a non-personal way.

Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves, specifically because of their baggage and challenges.

The reason you don’t need to take things personally is because it’s not personal.

When you don't take it personally, you can distance yourself from your own anger and emotions and you will find it much easier to deal with the situation at hand.

18. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY


Assertiveness is a core communication skill.Assertiveness means that you express yourself

effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others.

Being assertive can help you build and maintain self confidence in all situations.

Integrity, honesty and respect are key elements of assertiveness.

De-escalation and assertiveness go hand in hand.Identify and ask for the other person’s needs and wants.

19. COMMUNICATE &ACT ASSERTIVELY


Setting boundaries prevents escalation of a conflict. A boundary is a limit that promotes integrity, clarity,

confidence. Healthy boundaries preserve psychological durability

and advance relationships, while having a healthy sense of control and well-being.

By setting a clear boundary, you set limits in your engagement and define the territory of healthy and non healthy dynamics.

Setting a boundary empowers you and requires you to be proactive.

20. SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES


Showing others dignity and respect amplify positive feelings and minimize negative feelings.

The stressed individual might be hyper-sensitive to feeling of disrespect.

Respect your word and use your words carefully.Avoid words that can be interpreted as

disrespectful.

21. BE RESPECTFUL


Anger pushes you to focus on your immediate need and problem with the desire to solve or fulfill them. Anger has limited perspective and usually focuses on the here and now.

Seeing the bigger picture requires effort, practice and compassion. The ability to look beyond your anger, seeing what prompted the

other people to do what they did, as well as understanding why you reacted is key to resolving the issue of anger.

One way to maintain constructive perspective of the conflict is seeing it from a place of one year to five years from that moment.

Keep a sense of proportion and even appreciation to your situation (It could have been much worse).

22. LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE & THINK LONG TERM


Unity is about affirming commonalities and understanding that when all gain, you gain.

Without unity, there is little hope for compassion, justice or peace.

Anger promotes separateness while compassion promotes unity.

When we respect differences and celebrate diversity, we encourage positive energy and amplify unity.

Unity promotes collaboration and de-escalation.

23. THINK UNITY


Prevention is better than a cure. There is no need to wait until the situation becomes emotional, harsh and painful.

Catch your anger early and be aware of it in your body, your feelings and your mind.

Many conflicting situations can be prevented if you can notice the subtle change in the person's behavior (facial expression, body language, communication style etc.) as the other person is about to become angry.

Paying attention to these subtle changes and simply commenting/asking on the changes could help the other person talk about things so he or she wouldn't have to become angry.

24. CATCH IT EARLY & RECOGNIZE EARLY WARNING SIGNS


Rehearsing a challenging position beforehand is always advisable and helpful.

Think about those situations that are upsetting and practice dealing with those issues ahead of time.

Rehearse and act the way you aspire to act and the way you want the encounter to go.

Think about potential conflict in advance and make decisions about how you would act.

Know yourself and know what pushes your buttons and build your resiliency when facing them.

25. PREPARE YOURSELF & REHEARSE THE SITUATION


Allow and even encourage the other person to vent, voice complaint and criticize.

Being able to be attentive to the other person when you are emotional requires patience and resiliency.

You might say "Tell me what are you upset or angry about?" "Please share your feelings and thoughts."

26. PROMOTE VENTING


Silence could be very powerful and effective if used at the right time.

Sometimes allowing moments of silence can be the best option during a conflicting situation.

Silence can give a person a chance to reflect on what’s happening, and how he or she needs to proceed.

At times, anything you say, regardless of the content, will serve against you. So, during this time it is better to be silent.

27. TOLEATE SILENCE


Taking time-out is a critical skill for keeping an argument from escalating into aggressive behavior.

If anyone feels emotionally overwhelmed, allow a time-out.

If you feel yourself getting extremely upset, politely ask for a break from the conversation and calm down.

The person that asks for a time-out is responsible for suggesting a future time to talk about the conflicting issue.

The key for effective use of time-out is to evoke it before anger flares out of control.

28. USE TIME-OUT AND DISENGAGE WHEN NECESSARY


Mastering de-escalation techniques allow you to deal with conflict and even aggressive or violent situations in a more constructive way.

While you can’t control the other person’s behavior, how you respond to their behavior will have a direct effect on whether the situation escalates or defuses.

Avoid overreacting, while remaining calm, rational, and assertive.

Use your common sense in choosing a relevant technique.

SUMMARY


While no single de-escalation technique will work on every person or every situation, you can always find one principle that can be applied to a particular situation.

Even if the other person is angry, wants to argue or fight, you always have the power to disengage and not participate in the war game (unless it is necessary as self-defense).

De-escalation techniques requires learning skills, continual practice and courage to face difficult feelings.

SUMMARY CONTINUE


Moshe Ratson (MBA, MS MFT, LMFT) Licensed Marriage Family Therapist 260 Madison Avenue Suite 8023 New York, NY 10016

Phone : (917) 692-3867Email : [email protected]

http://www.spiral2grow.com/

mailto:[email protected]

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De escalation techniques in relationship