10 parenting Issues Solved

Visit www.YourParentingHelp.com for Laura Kaine’s selection of effective parenting guides!

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www.YourParentingHelp.com

10 Parenting Issues

SOLVED

by Laura Kaine


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Copyright Notices

This ebook is a compilation of articles written by Laura Kaine, expert parenting writer and

founder of www.YourParentingHelp.com, a website helping parents choosing an appropriate

parenting guide among a selection made by parents.

NOTICE: You can give away this ebook to your friends, as part of free bonuses to promote

your product or as a gift for your website visitors or for subscribing to your newsletter. The

only restriction is that this manual should not be sold, modified or changed in any way.

Copyright © 2010 by Laura Kaine

All rights reserved.


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Table of Contents

1. Lying Behavior ………………………………………………………………….. p.4

2. Hitting Behavior ………………………………………………………………….. p.5

3. Stealing Behavior ………………………………………………………………….. p.6

4. Tantrums ………………………………………………………………….. p.7

5. Bedtime Issue ………………………………………………………………….. p.8

6. The Anxious Child ………………………………………………………………….. p.9

7. The Unruly Child ………………………………………………………………….. p.10

8. Building Self-Esteem ………………………………………………………………….. p.11

9. Teaching Respect ………………………………………………………………….. p.12

10. “I Hate My Child!” ………………………………………………………………….. p.13

11. In Conclusion… ………………………………………………………………….. p.14


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Lying Behavior

Kids lying is a frequent problem. Yet it has to be taken seriously in order to make it stop. As

with others kids behavior problems, the most important thing is to understand what causes

such behavior. Also, we as parents should never forget that our kids are kids and they

therefore don’t lie the way we do. Kids lying imitate a lot but don’t have the same intentions

as we do.

If I’m talking about imitation it’s to remind you that your behavior is taken as a role model by

your child and that’s why it’s so important to watch our words and behavior with our

children. But kids lying don’t always imitate their parents. The cause can be different, much

deeper.

Here are the top 5 ways to solve kids lying problem:

1. Stop asking what you already know. Saying “Did you do this?” when you know he

did is just giving him a chance to lie. Just say what you know very clearly. You know

the truth, tell the truth and punish what has to be punished. Playing with that truth

can only bring confusion.

2. Don’t be angry, don’t yell at your kid when you catch him lying or discover he lied.

Your anger is the very reason why your kid is lying, what he wants to avoid by all

means. Reacting with anger can only push him to keep lying. So keep your voice low

and ask why he lied. He needs your help getting rid of this behavior.

3. If your child is making up stories and has a lot of imagination, don’t try to make him

stop. His imagination is a very good thing. Still, you need to teach him the difference

between what is real and what is pretended. You can set aside times for imaginary

play to make him stop telling lies when he’s not playing.

4. Always insist on what honesty and truth can bring (trust, independence,…) and what

lies bring too (no punishment until the truth is found and eventually more privileges

taken away as the truth is always found).

5. When your child tells a lie, give him a chance to reconsider his answer and to take 5

seconds before answering. Give him that chance to stop his habit with no

consequences for him if he says the truth right after. Reward his efforts toward

being truthful.

A lying behavior is not easy to handle especially when it had become a habit in your child or

teen. Such a behavior sometimes hides another problem such as low self-esteem. Every

problem has to be taken seriously to prevent it to become much harder to solve. But there’s

hope because you can easily learn how to communicate better with your child.


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Hitting Behavior

A child hitting his parents or other children is of course unacceptable. Before saying “no” or

“stop”, it’s very important to understand what causes this behavior and then explain why it’s

wrong. You can’t expect your child to know what is good or bad without you telling him.

A child hitting does not want to physically hurt you. It is just that, at one point, it’s the only

response he can find. Yes, it is a way to express something, usually frustration. To be

understood by your child and stop permanently your child hitting behavior, you need to

choose your words very carefully. Spanking is useless. It only says “yes, it’s ok to hit”.

Education is all about communication! Now let see how to react appropriately:

Stay calm! Temper your emotions, don’t imitate your child. Always remember that

what you do means “it’s ok” to your child. He takes you as a role model.

Show the effects of hitting. Make a sad face, say “Ouch! You hurt me! Yes you did, it

does hurt when you hit me.” Your child needs to understand this and feel

compassion for you at that moment. Tell him that you don’t hit the people you love

and that’s why you don’t hurt him physically. Never.

Ask why he hit you. You’ll see that the reason may be hunger or just that he’s tired

or because of a sudden change. For example if you told him it was time to leave the

park without warning him before, or changed your mind about something. Details for

you, not for him! Your child will be willing to answer why he hit you because you’re

calm and just look shocked by his behavior and vulnerable too.

Now that you know the reason why, tell him that there are other ways to express his

feelings. Yes anger is normal, frustration too. You, as a parent, feel these feelings too.

But you express them with words. And that’s what he can do too. Show him an

example. Tell him “Instead of hitting me, you could have told me: ‘Mummy, I want to

stay 10 minutes more at the park. I don’t want to leave right now’. That way we can

discuss, you see?”

If it happens again, don’t hesitate to punish your child. It’s important that if you said

“no” once, you stay firm about this and always explain and punish your child hitting

behavior if he does not stop. Tell him to stay in his room 20 minutes. Wait 20 minutes

and go tell him his punishment is over and ask him if he understands why he was

punished. Then say “I love you”! Yes children often mistake punishment with a lack of

love.

A child hitting behavior has to be taken very seriously. Your reaction to this situation is more

important than you may think. You settle in your child’s mind that a violent behavior is not

tolerable. If you do nothing, you child might become a teen who still thinks it’s normal to

hit. No one wants that.


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Stealing Behavior

Kids stealing are not necessarily going to be thieves! Stealing is actually a pretty common

mistake. First you need to be aware of the reasons of this behavior.

Know that children under 5 have no concepts of ownership. School-aged children may have

difficulties controlling themselves. It’s also often the expression of an emotional lack or a

basic need that isn’t met. In some other kids, they need to have control over their life.

Knowing the root of kids stealing behavior is of course important. You need to try perceiving

things with their eyes. But if the reasons vary, the way to react is constant and only depends

on your child’s age.

Here’s what you can do:

Stay calm. Don’t overact. You can’t teach anything by being angry or by yelling at

your child and you can’t understand your child’s mistakes by reacting impulsively.

Do not accuse your child if you didn’t see him steal something. Until you catch him

in the act, don’t judge, don’t accuse. It’s difficult but essential, first because you

might be wrong, second because your child mustn’t see you don’t trust him.

Very young kids stealing don’t know it’s wrong so explain it very simply. Be careful

not to label your child as bad, dishonest, or a thief. Only the act of stealing is bad and

dishonest. Labeling your child will only make him grow to fill that label. Don’t forget

this.

If your child is old enough to know that stealing is bad and if he stole from someone

outside the family, have him return the object and apologize. Accompany him. He

needs to see consequences and feel the shame that stealing brings. If he stole from

you, make him pay by helping you around the house.

Understand his needs and the emotional lack he feels. If he needs attention, give

him more of your time. Just never stop trusting your child.

Stealing in children is a mistake that can be easily handled and solved. But, when it has

already become a habit or if your child is a teenager he might be influenced by other people.

In that case, you need more help than just a few tips and a parenting guide or counseling

might be appropriated.


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Tantrums

To handle a child having a tantrum is often tricky because we, as parents, have to control

our own anger to make the tantrum stop fast, which isn't always easy, especially when the

tantrum happens in a public place. Be aware that every parent can learn how to stop a

tantrum permanently by doing the right things and saying the right words. To help you

dealing with tantrums, here are 10 easy steps you can take :

1. Remain calm. Control your anger.

2. Never give in. If you said no, stick to this answer, no matter what.

3. Be sure to go out with your child only when he has eaten and rested. A need that

isn't met is often the cause of a tantrum.

4. Say to your child that you understand his frustration or anger. Be compassionate

and give an alternative option. If you child doesn't want it, fair enough, he'll have

nothing at all. Dealing with tantrums takes firmness and understanding.

5. When the tantrum starts, show things to your child in order to distract him and offer

to do a different thing. Help him focus on something else than what bothers him at

the moment. React fast before your child becomes out-of-control.

6. Consider that your child probably just needs your attention, a reassuring cuddle. Try

to soothe him by hugging him. Your presence and tenderness can make him stop and

understand you love him even when you say “no”.

7. After the tantrum, at the end of the day, when your child is quietly playing or before

kissing him goodnight, discuss his tantrum with him. Speak softly and explain that

you can't accept his behaviour but that you love him and will be glad to go shopping

with him again if he acts differently.

8. Reward a good behaviour. In the long run, it will help you dealing with tantrums as

they'll be less frequent and more controllable. You have to make your child

understand he has much more to gain with a good behaviour than with a bad one.

9. When a tantrum occurs in a public place, just leave with your child. It'll show him

that his tantrums have real consequences.

10. Legitimize his feelings of frustration and anger and tell him you feel the same

sometimes but you always choose to express them with words and that he can make

that same choice.

Dealing with tantrums is mostly about self-control and good communication.


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Bedtime Issue

In many families, bedtime is a major problem which started one day and seems to be worse

every night. To be more accurate, the real problem is that their child won’t stay in bed

rather than that their child won't sleep. Actually, making a child sleep is simply impossible.

He’ll sleep when he's tired. But your child has decided not to stay in bed, he gets up several

times and always has a good excuse to do so. That's not the rule. The rule is "You stay in bed

because it's time. Yes, even if you're not tired." Here are the 5 easy steps you can take to

make your child stay in his bed. If your child won't sleep, he'll definitely stay in bed... and will

fall asleep faster anyway!

1. Set up a bedtime routine. You can imagine the steps you want. It's the routine itself

that matters so don’t make it complicated. Here are a few ideas: putting my pyjamas,

brushing my teeth, picking a short story to read, picking the plush I want to sleep

with, listening to mummy or daddy reading the book and singing a song, kissing

parents goodnight. To make it more fun to apply, you can illustrate each routine

steps with drawing or pictures and pin the “routine guide” up where you want.

2. Have your child put his pyjamas on just before the bedtime routine starts. It'll show

it's time to go to bed soon! Prepare the bedtime by speaking in a quiet voice, playing

calm games, talking about tomorrow. When a child won’t sleep, it’s often because

bedtime comes too quickly.

3. Be reassuring. Tell your child that you're in the next room and that you'll be back to

check on him if he stays in his bed. Go back to his room after 5 minutes. Hug him, tell

him you’re proud he stayed in his bed and that he understood that you're always

here if he needs you, you're not going away. Tell him you’ll come back again in a

moment. Wait more than 5 minutes and go back to his room. You can do this again,

and make the intervals longer each time. He’ll fall asleep fast because he'll feel

secure. Always reward his good behaviour by a hug.

4. If your child gets up, change your tone, be firm but still calm, take him by the hand,

don’t give him a hug or a kiss. Tell him he has to stay in his bed and that you’ll come

back in 5 minutes. When you're back in his room, and only if he stayed in his bed, kiss

him and reassure him. If your child wants you to let the door open, make it a

privilege he’ll have if he stays in bed. If he gets up, close the door behind you. He’ll

understand he can only have that privilege by staying in his bed.

5. If your child won’t sleep, he'll surely call you to tell you he’s not tired and can't sleep.

Tell him : “Ok then don’t sleep if you're not tired. I just want you to stay in your bed.

But don’t sleep, okay ?”. He’ll focus on not falling asleep and will sleep even faster!

This worked with me as a child and with my own children.

The Mary Poppins’ song “Stay Awake” is pretty effective too!


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The Unruly Child

We all know rules are important in a family be we as parents often have a hard time having

those rules accepted by our kids. You probably noticed how children find rules unfair. An

unruly child basically doesn’t understand the rules, the necessity of them. This is not

strange. Indeed, if rules are not discussed and explained, they can’t be accepted by

children.

Having an unruly child has to make you rethink how you communicate with your child

rather than “what’s wrong with him?”. By saying things differently, taking the time to

explain the reasons of your decisions, you can impact your child’s behaviour. You can clearly

change your child’s behaviour by applying a different “strategy” with him, by using new

communication tools.

The 4 following key advices will help you deal more effectively with your unruly child:

1. Explain and therefore justify the rules you settle, the punishments you give. Make

clear what you say “no” to. I always say that when a child understands things, it’s

easier for him to accept them and apply them. You have to make him aware of the

logic consequences of his acts.

2. Try to find what causes a bad behaviour in your child. It’s a way of expression for

your child and hides something, maybe a lack of attention. Sometimes, meeting your

child’s needs is enough to make him accept your rules.

3. Your child probably doesn’t know how to react differently. Try to give him

alternatives to his bad behaviour. You need to make him aware of the consequences

of a bad and good behaviour in his life, what he can gain or lose, how it makes you

feel. Emphasize the pride you feel when he acts in a good way, the privileges he can

have. Reward his good behaviour!

4. Show compassion to your child. Understand his frustration. Tell him stories about

your childhood. What rules taught you. Tell him that you settle rules because you

care. It’s an expression of love. You know what is good for him. With such

explanation, your child will understand your rules and feel loved and secure through

them.

With these advices, I hope you’ll have another vision of your child and will help him respect

the rules by understanding they mean you care.


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The Anxious Child

Each child is unique and grasps life's reality according to his or her own personality,

education. Doing some things can bring a feeling of anxiety to some children. Their lack of

confidence in themselves makes it more difficult for them to do things on their own and may

feel incapable. Anxious children require a special attention but be sure not to give a label to

them or they will take this image of themselves for granted.

1. Don’t express your concerns and doubts about your child's ability to do things. Your

child might develop his own anxiety based on yours.

2. Reassure your child about his feelings. Give him the right to have them and show the

importance to talk about them. You also feel feelings like anxiety, sadness, anger...

Emphasize the fact that it's normal.

3. Don’t do things for your child. Let him try, it will help him feel more confident in

himself regarding what he’s afraid of. Talk about your own failures, what you're

incapable of doing. Help him put things into perspective.

4. Accompany your child through small steps toward each of his goals.

5. Role play with your child about the situations he's anxious about.

6. Don't set expectations that are too high for your child. Don't seek perfection but

rather help him accept his failures, see things as more simple and realistic to make

him less anxious about doing them and not afraid of disappointing you. He can't

disappoint you but he needs help feeling courageous and knowing he's capable of

doing things.

Being the parent of an anxious child demands a constant encouragement from you. Your

child will be grateful if you help him without putting too much pressure on him. He'll share

his anxiety and trust you while starting to trusting himself and it will improve his ability to

achieve his goals, little by little. It’s essential.


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Building Self-Esteem

We all know, as adults, that self-esteem is important as it’s a fragile thing. Indeed, in our life,

we experience ups and downs in our own self-esteem because it depends on several factors.

Building your child’s self-esteem is a very important thing, probably one of the most

important things you have to bring to your child. How he feels about himself as a child will

determine his behaviour now and in the future.

His actions, successes and failures already determine the faith he has and will have in

himself. Your child’s self-esteem is the root of his personality and I’m glad to share with you

5 key steps to build it.

1. Pay attention and listen to what your child says. Make eye contact while he talks.

React, answer, ask questions, show interest to make him feel that what he

experiences has value. He’ll feel important through your eyes, and that means a lot

to him. Take that precious time.

2. Encourage your child. Tell him you believe in him but be careful not to put too much

pressure on him. Don’t seek perfection. Acknowledge the good things he does and

when he fails at doing something, acknowledge the fact that he tried and the

progress he made.

3. Don’t compare your child to his friends or brothers and sisters. Never. Even

positively. Just celebrate his uniqueness. Don’t tell him he’s good comparing to

others, or better or nicer. He’s just himself and you like him for his uniqueness. It’ll

help him value himself rather than trying to compete with others.

4. Show it’s ok to make mistakes. Tell him we all do some, talk about your own

mistakes. Make him understand his mistakes are here to help him understand things

and do better next time.

5. Show him and tell him that you love him in an unconditional way. Yes, you love him

no matter what. This is extremely important. Your love for your child isn’t always

obvious for him. Indeed, children often mistake punishments for a lack of love,

especially when parents don’t explain everything. To build your child’s self-esteem,

you have to explain that when you punish, it’s because his behaviour is unacceptable,

not him. Never say he’s a bad kid. Kiss him a lot, hug him a lot and say you love him

no matter who he is, no matter what he does.

I do hope you’ll apply these key steps and will seize the importance of building your child’s

self-esteem in every reaction you have, in everything he does. Be coherent, constant in your

love and rules. Giving tools for your child to become a responsible, loving and sensitive adult

is the best thing you can do for him.


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Teaching Respect

Wanting to teach respect to children is a very good initiative. It’s indeed a very important

value that will have consequences on the adult they will become. We as parents need to

prepare their future and therefore give them all the tools they’ll need. It’s our “job”.

The following 4 ways to teach respect to children will be effective especially if your child

doesn’t have a disrespectful behaviour for too long and isn’t too defiant. The reason of this is

that it’s always trickier to fix something deeply anchored than to somehow prevent a bad

behaviour to happen. Still there are solutions such as parenting guides to help you handle

very difficult parenting situations.

1. Show respect to your child. Make eye contact when he talks to you. We often

neglect our kids without even noticing it. Don’t interrupt him when he speaks and

you’ll have the right to ask the same from him when you’re talking. Remember

children imitate their parents. You need to apply this to teach respect to children

more effectively.

2. Give chores to your child. It’s a great way to teach respect of others, the sense of

community. Explain how his actions impact others, may them be good or bad. Talk to

him about his future, the family he’ll have and how it’s important to learn now how

to live with others. If he respects others, they’ll appreciate him. Don’t give chores like

you give “orders”, put value on them, say it means he can have responsibilities within

the family.

3. Encourage your child. Show an unconditional support. Say you trust him and that he

can rely on you. He needs to understand you’re there for him but most of all that if

he has a good behaviour and keeps his promises, he’ll have more responsibilities.

When you teach respect to children, make clear what it brings in their life, not just

the abstract necessity of this value.

4. As a result of the above advice, take your trust away if he breaks your agreement

and abuse that trust. He has to learn not to take things for granted and that he has to

respect what others give him because it takes a lot of efforts to have it back.

To teach respect to children takes consistency. Every situation has a solution and teaching

crucial values soon enough is very important to avoid having difficult teens.


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“I Hate My Child!”

We as human beings often mix up our deep feelings and our emotions generated almost

instantly by some situations. Some people have the ability to put their emotions and

impulsive reactions on the side and always express what they feel inside of them. I’m going

to tell you what “I hate my child” really mean as I know some parents may have that feeling

sometimes and feel guilty about it. Kids are good at pushing our buttons, they make us being

impulsive, doing or saying things we can regret.

Let me be more straightforward here. Saying “I hate my child” is the logical consequence

(yes, I mean that) of the bad emotions that keep being accumulated. The emotions and

circumstances I’m talking about probably our your best enemies at the moment : frustration,

anger, over-protective feeling, lack of time, irritability, defiant behaviour in your child, not

being listened to, no compassion from your child or spouse, tiredness. It’s a vicious circle for

a major reason, sometimes hard to accept: You misinterpret your child’s behaviour and

think you’re a victim. I’m not being harsh here, it’s a reality you have to face. It’s only when

you put things in perspective that you can react differently and therefore take the time to

reconsider your feeling.

3 questions you should ask yourself :

Is it my anger (or any other bad emotion) that pushes me to think I hate my child?

Do I hate him (his personality) or his actions?

What if I’m influencing his actions?”

A bad behaviour in a child is a way of expressing himself. You have to teach alternatives,

understand what hides a tantrum. I’m not blaming you. I know and remember when I was so

hurt and tired that I used to scream immediately, wanted to spank, just reacting impulsively

to make the tantrum stop. This is the worst thing to do.

No one is a bad parent. Communicating with children is something we have to learn because

we’re not born parents. You have to keep in mind that each reaction you have has a direct

consequence on your child’s behaviour. This is why, now, you think it’s part of his personality

but it’s not. Kids are not adults, they are a work in progress. Impulsivity doesn’t give any

space for true feelings. Also, be aware of what hides your child’s words. If a child says “I hate

you”, he doesn’t mean it, believe me, he doesn’t know what hate is.

Always make a difference between your child and his actions, which you can change.

“I hate my child” actually hides another feeling, a real one, that is : “I hate my child’s

behaviour”. It has nothing to do with your love for your child! Don’t feel guilty! If your child

has an intolerable behaviour, it’s normal to dislike it. The truth is, you can’t ask and expect

your child to change his behaviour if you don’t change yours first. Have you ever tried to

react differently? To stay calm and speak softly? This is key.


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In Conclusion...

I do hope you’ll improve your parenting and get over tricky parenting situations thanks to

this ebook. It’s really all up to you! There is a solution for each problem you might be facing

with your child and it demands an effort from you of course but once you make the decision

to change, to learn communication skills, to see your parenting “job” from another point of

view, the results are wonderful and very reassuring for the future. Every second matters,

every word, reaction from you. That’s a lot of pressure, right? But that’s also what makes

parenting an exciting and fulfilling journey.

Coherence and consistency is what you’re probably missing the most. Once you have a

defined parenting style, your child doesn’t need to test you anymore and you can improve

your relationship with your child, share the values you want to share, give your child what he

needs for his own future and for the future of your relationship with him.

I don’t intend to do self-promotion here but as I know some parents need to be helped on a

higher level, I just want to bring to your attention how beneficial a parenting guide can be

(also called parenting program or method) because it provides:

Step-by-step guidelines

Communication tools

Coherent method appropriated

to your child’s age and personality

Long-time efficiency

Full support

Even the toughest situations can be solved thanks to parenting guides. That’s a proven fact

and pretty good news for all the parents who are struggling and are discouraged. With a

group of parents, we selected the most effective parenting guides to help parents like you

improve your relationship with your child, solve difficult parenting situations and bring

peace and happiness back into your family!

You can find this selection at www.YourParentingHelp.com.

2 parenting ebooks are given for FREE on our website!

Wishing you a very happy parenting journey!

~Laura Kaine

Self Improvement

10 parenting Issues Solved