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September 2006 $2.99 r d . c o m
10800
Secretsof A+
Students
One Vitamin ThatCanSave
Your Life
9/11HeroesFive Years
Later
Slimmeddown, grown up & in love at last
Drew
■ Conan O’Brien ■ Jerry Seinfeld■ Jeff Foxworthy■ Nora Ephron■ Bob Newhart
Plus
S E P T E M B E R 2 0 0 6
★ A M E R I C A I N Y O U R P O C K E T ★
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127 What They Don’tTeach in Comedy School JERRY SEINFELD
The toughest crowd I ever facedtaught me the true meaning of stage fright.
130 Out of Sight NORA EPHRON
This writer-director can’t read the fine print—and still can’t find her glasses.
133 America’s Dumbest Criminals WILLIAM BEAMAN
A lineup of bumbling crooks whopractically caught themselves.
136 Redneck’s RevengeALANNA NASH
Blue-collar humorist Jeff Foxworthyis having the last laugh.
100 The Funny Factor DAN FERBER, PHD
Why smart brains take humor seriously.
106 Face to Face withDrew Barrymore SARA DAVIDSON
The famous funny girl on why she feels so fortunate.
112 Did You Hear the One About …… the doctor, the lawyer, the blonde?Here, they tell us their favorite jokes.
118 Humor Me MARGOT DOUGHERTY
When it comes to being funny, Conan O’Brien can’t help himself.
122 No Joke ANDY SIMMONS
A reluctant comic discovers firsthand that doing stand-up is easy. For some people.
aced
ON THE COVER*
Our funniest issue ever is jam-packedwith so many jokes, cartoons and
hilarious stories, you’ll be laughing yourself silly!
COVER: (BARRYMORE) KENNETH WILLARDT/CORBIS OUTLINE; (O’BRIEN) JURGEN FRANK/CORBIS OUTLINE
148 Woman of the WorldWILLIAM BEAMAN & CONRAD KIECHEL
Secretary of State Condoleezza Ricetalks about the many crises we face,and what we need to do.
154 Lifeline TERRI ADAMS
In a small country hospital, a 3-year-old boy’s life hangs by a thread—anda long-distance phone call.
162 The Miracle Vitamin PAULA DRANOV
Getting enough D may be the bestthing you can do for your health.
182 Secrets of A+Students WILLIAM BEAMAN
Three very different families revealtheir keys to success.
5
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CHRISTOPHER W. DAVIS
A tornado half a mile wide was headedstraight for town.
SUPER STORM 192
*
*
B O N U S R E A D
9/11 FIVE YEARS LATER
170 The Hero DEREK BURNETT
Port Authority police sergeant John McLoughlin: “Our lives arechanged forever.”
175 The Survivor GAIL CAMERON WESCOTT
Wall Street executive and burn victim Lauren Manning: “I’mmoving forward.”
178 The Leader WILLIAM BEAMAN
New York City’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani: “Courage is about managing fear.”
*
S E P T E M B E R 2 0 0 6
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D E PA R T M E N T S
13 You Said It19 Only in America33 Everyday Heroes53 Word Power87 All in a Day’s Work90 Humor in Uniform93 Turning Point: Bob Newhart99 Quotable Quotes142 Laughter, the Best Medicine234 Life in These United States
215 RDLIVINGThere’s no place likehome—especially whenyou throw a spa party,serve a fresh harvest stew, get your vet to make a house call, and de-clutter with style.
43 That’s Outrageous! MICHAEL CROWLEY
61 My Planet ANDY SIMMONS
69 Health IQ MICHAEL F. ROIZEN, MD, & MEHMET C. OZ, MD
75 Food for Life DEAN ORNISH, MD
83 Money Makers MARIA BARTIROMO
97 Ask Laskas JEANNE MARIE LASKAS
236 RD Challenge WILL SHORTZ
99 Punchlines
216 Health221 Food224 Money225 You226 Cars228 Pets230 Home
75 New! Dr. Dean Ornish on how to eat smart for life.
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YOU SAID ITLETTERS ON THE JULY ISSUE
Bad Lawsuits
My father has 12 DWIs. He still drives. He
was supposed to be onhouse arrest, but he wentriding on a moped, drunk,and hit a broken sidewalk.Ended up with multipleinjuries and broken bones.He still had on his elec-tronic ankle bracelet.
Do you think he had to go back to jail for being drunk while onhouse arrest? No. Do you think hegot into trouble for driving drunk?No. He was planning to sue the cityfor the broken sidewalk until it oc-curred to him his probation officermight find out he was still drinkingand driving (“That’s Outrageous:Lawsuit Lunacy”). J.F. , via Internet
I am a “recovering” defenselawyer. I defended professionalswho got sued, many by plaintiffswho claimed my clients should have saved them from themselves.
I became frustrated with thelawyers who accepted such cases,the trial judges who refused to dismiss them, the appellate andsupreme court justices who rein-stated them when a trial judge didhave the courage to dismiss one, butmost of all with the juries who had
the power to say no, but awarded themoney. As long as juries continue tomake such awards,the plaintiffs will bethere, the lawyerswill be there, and thecourts will allow it.
C.P., San Francisco, California
With corporationsoften acting reck-lessly, and the fed-
eral government abrogating itsoversight responsibilities, it’s left to the civil justice system to holdwrongdoers to account. And it’s thetrial attorneys who guide the weak-est among us through the system toachieve justice. KEN SUGGS, President,
Association of Trial Lawyers of America
Scam Alert
Ireceived an unsolicited letterfrom a mortgage company I’dnever heard of. They knew how
much I owed on my mortgage andthat I had an equity loan as well.Even though my husband and I haveexcellent credit and both loans arecurrent, this company suggestedwe’d soon be in financial troublewithout their help.
Later that same day, I saw yourtimely article about mortgage fraud(“Cheated Out of House and
ILLUSTRATED BY VICTOR JUHASZ 13
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Home”). It confirmed what I alreadysuspected—that the company wasprobably up to no good.
LOLLIE HOFER, Omaha, Nebraska
“Why Me?”
As a 19-month colorectal andbreast cancer survivor, I askedthe very same question as
Heather Rudnick when she foundout she had lung cancer. I was ahealthy, active 40-somethingwoman. Lower back pain turned out to be stage III rectal cancer. APET scan found that a breast lump,thought to be benign, was also cancer. I went through a whirlwindof chemo, radiation, bowel resectionsurgery and lumpectomy.
Just living a healthy lifestyle maynot be enough to avoid a cancer diagnosis. Fifty is the “normal” ageto have a colonoscopy. Had I waiteduntil then, I would more than likelyhave lost my fight. KATHRYN MARQUARDT, Rancho Cucamonga, California
How Rude Are You?
Iam from kentucky but recentlyvisited New York City. I’d have to agree with your survey that
says New Yorkers are the most cour-teous people in the world (“Uncom-mon Courtesy”). From the time wearrived until we left, everyone weencountered was unbelievably kindto us. Whether they were giving usdirections for using the subway orrecommending a great place to eat,
New Yorkers were quite happy tosend us in the right direction.
APRIL ROBBINS, Ashland, Kentucky
I lived in the Philippines for twoyears. I may not have had peopleopen a door for me or pick up pa-pers when I dropped them, but I’venever had as many strangers offerme a drink when it was hot, foodwhen I was hungry or an umbrellain the rain. Testing other cultures ontypical American courtesies that areforeign to them is unfair and biased.
LOGAN SHEEN, Leander, Texas
HOW TOREACH US
Letters to the Editor■ [email protected]■ You Said It, Reader’s Digest, Box 200,Pleasantville, New York 10572-0200Include your full name, address, e-mail and daytime phone number. We may edit letters, and use them in all print andelectronic media.
SubmissionsFor short humor items, please see page146. We regret that we cannot accept oracknowledge unsolicited artwork, pho-tographs or article-length manuscripts.
Save Time Go OnlineSubscriptions, payments, changes ofaddress, account information, inquiriesat 877-732-4438 or rd.com/help.
Subscriptions■ RD, Box 7823, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0823
Moving?■ RD, Dept. CHADD, Box 7809, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0809
Reprints■ rd.com/reprints (min. 500 copies)
ONLY INAmericaIDEAS, TRENDS, AND INTERESTING BITS FROM ALL OVER
Poetry is hot. Donald Hall, the nations’s newpoet laureate, says when he takes his postin October, he’d like to launch a po-
etry show on satellite radio. Already—thanks to $175 million from heiressRuth Lilly—Chicago’s Poetry Foun-dation is pushing poetry vianewspapers, TV, even podcasts.There’s the new CD set Poetry on Record, with suchbards as Walt Whitmanand Sylvia Plath. And thePoetry Society of America’s “Poetryin Motion” series, which gives busand train riders in 14 cities somethingliterary to look at. What’s behind thetrend? Says Poetry on Record editor Rebekah Presson Mosby: “People aregetting back to an understanding that poetry is forpleasure.” Forgetrhymes—that’s apretty good reason.
Yes, Life Is Getting Verse
ILLUSTRATED BY EDMUND GUY
99% of adult readersencounterpoetry in their lives.
SOURCE: NationalOpinion Research Center
19
Sales of khaki pants, theuniform of the dot-comera, fizzled after theInternet bubble burst.Now they’re comingback. Levi Strauss, forexample, has seen salesof its Dockers brand increase for sevenstraight months. “Withthe denim-and-blazerlook on every guy,”says Melina Baxter,
Dockers senior market-ing manager, “people arestarting to look for diver-sity.” Apparently, they’realso looking for luxury.This time around, khakisare getting a high-endmakeover. Menswearmakers such as BrooksBrothers, Tommy Hilfigerand Nautica are rollingout so-called premiumversions—heavier cotton,softer textures, updatedfits—at steeperprices
(Dockers Authentic K1s,for example, go for $70 v. $48 for a regularpair). So far, men arebuying. Says KurtBarnard of Barnard’s Retail Trend Report:“Consumers today don’twant to compromise unless they absolutelyhave to.” But they stillhave to put their pants
on one legat a time.
THE RISE OF CASUAL CHIC
Facing huge fuel bills and competi-tion from small carriers, some big air-lines are cutting costs by dropping the
old back-to-front method for boardingpassengers. Says airline consultant DavidSwierenga, “The faster you can turn theairplane around at the terminal, the moreflights you can operate.” United Airlines
says window-middle-aisle seating—newlast fall—saves 4-5 minutes per flight (and
$1 million a year). US Airways is trying a “reverse pyramid” (window seats in back first;aisle seats in front last). It may confuse fliers,
but would you rather pay for your peanuts?
They’re Playing Musical Chairs at the Airport
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STACK ATTACK
To the list of un-likely activiteskids compete in
these days, add “sportstacking.” Originallymeant to aid pre-teens’hand-eye coordination(by quickly stackingand unstacking plasticcups in various forma-tions), the sport wasborn in California
recreation centers inthe 1980s. Some 10,000schools now include it in their phys-ed programs. Anothersign it’s arrived: Mass retailers now sellstacking equipment(including the $39.99Speed Stacks Stack-Pack). Just don’t try itwith juice inthosecups.
GRASS ROOTS
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
A New Town Crier
Hurricane katrina battered Pass Christian,Mississippi, a seaside town 20 miles westof Biloxi. In the storm’s wake, the popula-
tion fell from 6,500 to 2,000. Despite all it lost,Pass Christian gained a new local newspaper.
Freelancer Evelina Shmukler, 29, was doingpost-Katrina reporting for The Wall Street Jour-nal when she arrived on September 5. She felt an instant bond: “The people were so friendlyand open.” Returning at Thanksgiving, she real-ized residents had a critical need for information,and aided by AmeriCorps volunteers, she put out the first issue of the Pass Christian GazeboGazette. She printed 150 copies—with lists of reopened businesses and contact numbers forgovernment agencies—on her mother’s copier in Atlanta, and volunteers placed them in stacksaround town. They were gone within days.
Now she’s up to 3,000 copies a week. Advertis-ing covers her costs (she works as a grant writerto support herself). Residents feed her tips, like word of a huge sunflower spotted in town.“They thought I might want to take a picture,”she says. Amid the ruins, things that grow—flowers, newspapers—are reasons to celebrate.
Along list of sciencewhizzes—from Intel co-founder Gordon
Moore to author Oliver Sacks—got hooked on the subject byblowing things up during homechemistry experiments. Unfortunately, today’s youngEinsteins have a tough timemaking big stinks in the garage. That’s because fears about terrorism, lawsuits, even the manufacturing of methamphetamines, have left the newgeneration of chemistry sets featuring a lot less fun stuff than those of yore.The Skilcraft ChemLab 1100 kit, for instance, assures parents it contains “no glass pieces or open flames.” One reasonable set still on the market: theThames & Kosmos C3000, with enough flasks, vials and chemicals for 360experiments. But even at a price of $189.95, the kit lacks the type of oxidiz-ing agents a kid needs to make an explosive discovery. That’s right—nomore bangs for your bucks.
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A quick review of some of the good, bad and ugly to appear on our radar recently.
Seattle officials For opening a resi-dence for chronically alcoholic home-less people that lets them drink in theirrooms. It may save taxpayers somemoney, but is this really a good way to
battle the bottle?
Boeing For even con-sidering taking a taxwrite-off in connection
with a $615 million settlement it paidto the U.S. Justice Department to re-solve a pair of cases. Hey, big defensecontractor, we take offense.
PepsiCo For alerting Coca-Cola Co.after a Coke employee and two croniesallegedly offered to spilltrade secrets. Corporatefoes cooperating? Whata refreshing idea.
Johnnetta Cole For push-ing to end her five years as presidentof North Carolina’s Bennett Collegewith the school in solid fiscal shape.Running a deficit in 2002, the histori-cally black college is halfway to Cole’s$50 million goal. That’s leadership.
RD INDEX
YEA NAY
Things That (Don’t) Make You Go Boom
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RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
Can’t trek to Nashville’sCountry Music Hall ofFame? Will the Circle Be Unbroken—a lively, photo-packed history ofthe genre—brings it onhome. On sale 9/18
BOOKTV
RD’s picks for greatways to spend yourfree time this month
Do we need a MySpace.com for children under 14? Parents may not think so, but their sons and daugh-ters want to hang out like the big kids do. Enterimbee.com. Targeting the 8-14 set, it lets themchat with pals, write blogs, share photos—with an emphasis on safety. Accounts require parentalapproval, the site blocks snoopers, and Mom andDad can keep tabs on Junior in his online clubhouse.
GAME
HBO’S Mr. Conservative:Goldwater on Goldwaterchronicles the life of lateU.S. Senator Barry Gold-water. Produced by theArizona Republican’sgranddaughter, it’s anevenhanded take on acontroversial man. Airs 9/18
A sequel to one of lastyear’s biggest video
game hits, LEGOStar Wars II isa fun-for-any-age adventurein a galaxy far,far away—ani-mated en-tirely withlittle snap-ping plasticblocks.
On sale 9/12
THINGS We Don’t Want You to Miss
WEBSITE
Madeleine Peyroux is ayoung woman, but she sings likean old soul on thespare, yet lush Half the Perfect World, her swinging thirddisc.i On sale 9/12
CD
But as she shifted her bag andopened the door to her Toyota, oneof the men rushed up to the car. Heblocked her in on one side, whilethe other pushed her and thenwordlessly ripped the white leatherbag from her shoulder. Both mentook off running.
Stoeppelwerth had bought the$500 purse with her employee’s dis-count at Miss Jackson’s, the bou-tique where she worked. Inside thebag were her credit cards and $11.But that’s not what made her frantic.
Elaine stoeppelwerth walkedout the door of Petty’s FineFoods in Tulsa, Oklahoma,clutching a bag of pastries.
She was not a fearful person. But as she headed toward her parkedcar, the graying grandmother ofthree couldn’t help noticing twowiry young men trailing behind heron the sidewalk. Are they followingme? she wondered. It was a sunlitMay afternoon in Utica Square, anupscale shopping complex—hardlythe time or place for street crime.Stoeppelwerth shook off her fear.There are dozens of people aroundhere. I’m not in any danger.
EVERYDAY HEROES
Erin’s AngelsB Y LY N N R O S E L L I N I
PHOTOGRAPHED BY ERIKA LARSEN 33
Chasing thieves, Erin Donovan didn’tlet her three-inch heels slow her down.
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
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The robbers had her house keys anddriver’s license—with her address.Stoeppelwerth’s six-year-old grand-daughter was at home with thenanny.
Irate, she screamed, “They stolemy purse!”
About 15 feet away, Erin Donovan
had just emerged from the post of-fice. An estate planning attorney,Donovan often worked with elderlyclients who also looked to her foremotional support. Donovan em-pathized with their loneliness, lis-tened to their concerns, even tookthem to their doctors. It irked herthat the elderly often got little respect.
Now she heard the terror inStoeppelwerth’s voice and saw thetwo men streaking across the lot.They’re going to be gone if someonedoesn’t do something, she realized.
The other shoppers seemed un-aware. So Donovan made a quickcall. She’d make enough noise to geteveryone’s attention. Hopefullysomebody would stop the thieves.
At 50, Erin Donovan was by nomeans an athlete. Nor was shedressed for a chase. A stylishwoman who rarely went out withoutearrings and salon-perfect hair, she
was dressed for court in a tangerine-colored suit and three-inch heels.
Still, she had to keep the men in sight until help arrived. Clutchingher purse and wallet in one hand and her stamps in the other,she sprinted after them. “Those two guys stole a woman’s purse!”
she screamed.Up ahead, Nona Manning,
59, a receptionist taking abreak from her job, heard the screams and saw the runners flash past. Manningfelt a surge of rage. They’renot going to get away with
that! she thought, and joined thepursuit. Nearby, 19-year-old VirginiaWood, a waitress at the Olive Gar-den restaurant, heard the commo-tion. She started running too. Afourth woman followed in her car,honking loudly.
Hollering and dodging startledshoppers, the women tore down thesidewalk after the fleeing men. Theysprinted past Miss Jackson’s, pastornamental pear trees and maroonand yellow pansies in curbside beds.Donovan fumbled for her cell phoneand dialed 911. “There’s been apurse-snatching at Utica Square.They’re running west …”
The pair rounded a corner, thenjumped into a green Mercedesparked at the curb. Donovan pointedat them and yelled, “Don’t move!I’ve called the police!”
For a moment, the men lockedeyes with her and seemed inclinedto obey. Then they threw open the
Donovan dialed 911.“There’s been a purse-snatching! They’re running west.”
EVERYDAY HEROES
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car doors, bolted out and tore downthe street again. Everyone followed.
At Starbucks, where patrons satsipping coffee at sidewalk tables, themen bounded through the frontdoor and into the bathroom.
The women, panting for breath,had them trapped. Outside, theywaved at a Utica Square securitytruck. “Security! They’re in the Star-bucks bathroom!”
The door exploded open a mo-ment later, and one of the mendashed out. A security guardgrabbed him and wrestled him tothe ground. But the other guy wasstill inside.
He’s gonna get away, thoughtDonovan, perspiring in the 80-degree heat. I have not run all overmaking a fool out of myself to letthis guy go.
When the second man shot outthe door, Donovan lowered hershoulders and rushed, nailing him with a cross-body block rightbelow the rib cage. As he reeledbackward, she wrapped her arms
around him and hung on. Then theman broke free.
“Grab him!” Donovan yelled. Twopassersby and another guard did asshe said. Moments later police ar-rived and arrested the men on rob-bery charges. And Stoeppelwerthgot her purse back—along with hercredit cards, keys and cash.
Tulsa Police Department spokes-man Scott Walton said afterwardthat if Donovan and the otherwomen hadn’t chased the men,“they would have been in that carand out of there. And if they did itonce, they could do it again.”
Nona Manning said the chasemade her feel like one of Charlie’sAngels. “Four women decided thatwe’re not going to let these guys getaway with this,” she said.
As for Donovan, she got some rib-bing from courthouse pals, who nowcall her “the vigilante.” Says Dono-van, “If the message that comes outof this is that people should be moreinvolved with taking care of olderpeople, it’s great.”
W H AT S H O U L D W E R E A D I N TO T H I S ?
It’s enough to turn someone vegetarian! I was leafing throughmy local newspaper when I came upon this ad: “Carrabas
Italian Grill—People Are Our Specialty.” MARCY PORTER
If you pass the Delta Casket Company truck whiledriving through Knoxville, Tennessee, tell the ownerhe needs a better paint job. Just below the company’s
name—and through the new paint—you can read theold owner’s website: www.publicstorage.com.
JOHN OSTERMEYER
FILLERS ILLUSTRATED BY JAMES MCMULLAN
THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!MICHAEL CROWLEY
®
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When Paul C. Cabot, Jr.,threw a $200,000 wed-ding for his daughter in2001, the money to pay
for it came from the Paul and Vir-ginia Cabot Charitable Trust, whichwas established to fund worthycauses. Cabot was a trustee of thefoundation andearned millions insalary from it overthe years, but ap-parently that wasnot quite enough.So when his daugh-ter’s nuptials arrived, hegave himself a $360,000raise—money, he lateradmitted, he intendedto put toward the posh Boca Grande,Florida, wedding.
And what aboutthose worthy
Charity ChiselersNonprofit execs are getting big bucks and bigperks, all on the donor’s dime
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Michael Crowley is a senior editor at TheNew Republic.
causes? According to a Boston Globeinvestigation, from 1998 through2002, during which the foundationpaid him more than $5 million,Cabot steered only about $2 millionto charity. Ultimately he reached anagreement with the MassachusettsAttorney General’s office to repaythe foundation over $4 million.
The Cabot Charitable Trust is oneof tens of thousands of nonprofitsthat have promised to serve the
greater good in return for tax-free status. In other words,
ILLUSTRATED BY SELÇUK DEMIREL
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you and I subsidize the work ofthese organizations to the tune of billions of dollars in lost tax revenue; misspent resources don’tserve the public good.
The high-profile scandals at companies like Enron and Tyco ledCongress to pass laws that increased
the transparency of corporate fi-nances and made CEOs liable forcompany financial statements.While some salaries and perks are still out of control, shareholdersare now demanding closer scrutinyof corporate bigwigs.
That leaves just one category ofbusiness that has managed to escapeall effective oversight: the big-money world of nonprofit charitiesand foundations. While the vast ma-jority of nonprofits (known as501C3s, for the section of the taxcode that covers them) aren’t abus-ing the trust we’ve placed in them,an appalling number act more likenot-for-profit profiteers—with di-rectors whose salaries consumehuge chunks of their budgets, andexecutives siphoning off tax-freecharity dollars for country-clubmemberships and fancy vacations.
According to The Chronicle ofPhilanthropy’s 2005 annual survey of 226 nonprofit organizations, 61 reported more than $100,000 in
“fringe benefits,” and 20 staff mem-bers made over $1 million each.
People in the nonprofit world sayyou need to pay top dollar for toptalent. Former Red Cross presidentand CEO Marsha J. Evans managed36,000 employees and a $3 billionbudget, for which she earned
$450,000 in 2004. Fairenough.
But a lot of salaries areimpossible to justify. Forinstance, the CEOs of sixcharities that are “low
rated” by the watchdog group Char-ity Navigator—meaning they devoteless than 60 percent of their budgetsto programs and services—earnmore than $350,000. That includesWynton Marsalis, who earns about$800,000 as artistic director of NewYork’s Jazz at Lincoln Center.
At some charities, an executive’searnings can burn up nearly half thetotal budget. “There are a lot of peo-ple out there making $200,000 to$300,000, and that’s pretty much all[those charities] are doing—existingto pay their own CEOs,” says TrentStamp, president of Charity Naviga-tor. For example, in 2004 the Con-ference of Presidents of MajorAmerican Jewish OrganizationsFund paid its secretary, MalcolmHoenlein, $819,000, nearly half thecharity’s total expenses that year.Was he really worth more than theRed Cross president? And shouldtaxpayers be subsidizing that salary because the organization is tax-exempt? I don’t think so.
At one charity, a CEO’ssalary burned up nearlyhalf the total budget.
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
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Too often, moneygrubbingcrosses the line from unseemly toflat-out corrupt. Take the case of the Carl B. and Florence E. KingFoundation, which receives tax-freestatus and makes grants to programsfor children and the elderly, medicalresearch and scholarships. In 2004 a jury ordered two of the charity’stop officials to repay $7.5 millionafter they spent foundation moneyon everything from lavish vacationsin Australia to health-club fees.
And, if officials actually do try toengage in oversight, it is not alwayswelcome. In 2001 a United Way ofthe National Capital Area boardmember complained that the charityhad paid for travel unrelated to thegroup’s mission and had signed alucrative contract with the group’sformer CEO. The board member wasrebuffed and his term was not re-newed. Later it turned out the CEOhad defrauded the United Way outof almost $500,000, including per-sonal trips to Las Vegas.
To be sure, some charity leadersare setting a noble example. WilliamBaker, head of the New York-basedEducational Broadcasting Corpora-tion, has reportedly refused anyraises above the $226,000 salary hefirst accepted a decade ago.
Yet how do we rein in those fatcats who would use our donationsto pay for a deluxe wedding? A recent report to Congress suggeststhat nonprofits have at least threeboard members, that their tax reports be filed electronically andthat large nonprofits have their financial statements reviewed by anoutside auditor every year. “There’sno reason not to extend many of thesame requirements to nonprofits aswe demand from corporations,” saysJonathan Turley, a George Washing-ton University law professor. He’sright. Because we shouldn’t openour wallets to line someone else’s.
Outraged? Write to Michael Crowley at [email protected].
S C E N TS A N D S E N S I B I L I T Y
I was in my car one daylistening to a guy on the radio help listeners
with their home prob-lems. One woman called up
hysterical after finding a skunkin her basement.
“Leave a trail of breadcrumbs from your basement to your back-yard,” suggested the show’s host. “That’ll get rid of it.”
An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. “Now I havetwo skunks in my basement.” DAVID ASTON
12. duplicitous adj.—A: repetitive. B: long-lasting. C: deceptive. D: flexible.
13. catharsis n.—A: neg-ative energy. B: purifi-cation. C: hollow tube.D: numerical problem.
14. monolithic adj.—A: massive. B: speakingone language. C: exclu-sive. D: fruitful.
15. dissonance n.—A: impaired hearing. B: good reputation. C: termination. D: lackof agreement.
16. bifurcated adj.—A: divided in two. B: given back. C: clearlyexplained. D: verballyabused.
9. skew v.—A: to criti-cize or mock. B: dis-tort or slant. C: lineup. D: spread evenly.
10. vociferous adj.—marked by A: loudoutcry. B: violence. C: enthusiasm. D: fear.
11. preclude v.—A: to introduce. B: form agroup. C: go early orfirst. D: rule out.
WORD POWER ®
1. condone v.—to re-gard as A: offensive. B: acceptable orharmless. C: the best. D: a secret.
3. satire n.—A: Indianlute. B: mythologicalhorse. C: long speech.D: sarcastic wit.
4. palatable adj.—A: inexperienced. B: agreeable. C: enter-taining. D: wordy.
5. arbiter n.—A: treelover. B: floweringcanopy. C: authorita-tive judge. D: felon.
6. coercive adj.—A: all-inclusive. B: controlling by force. C: thoughtful. D: will-ing to work together.
7. impugn v.—A: to ad-vance or help. B: makesomething up. C: attack.D: protect.
8. symbiosis n.—A: co-operative union. B: reli-gious sign. C: argumentpremise. D: timely occurrence.
ILLUSTRATED BY DAVID SHELDON 53
Comics have been making a living off the news fordecades. Unscramble thenames of these SaturdayNight Live anchors. Answers on the next page.
VYEHC HAESCNNIDES EILLRMMRNO DALNOACMDAINT YEFNVIKE EALNNOLIBL RRAYUMNJEA RTNICU
Weekend Update
2. lemming n.—A: sour fruit. B: used car. C: short-tailedrodent. D: cold-water fish.
This Just In ... Comedian Jon Stewart may report “fake news” on The Daily Show, but his vocabulary is no joke. Test yourself with thesewords from choice interviews and monologues.Just proves you have to be smart to be funny. Answers on the next page.
11. preclude—[D] To ruleout, make impossible.Stewart jokes that pastphotos would preclude himfrom running for office.
12. duplicitous—[C] De-ceptive; marked by contra-dictory doubleness ofthought. The governor was accused of duplicitousactions that benefited acampaign contributor.
13. catharsis—[B] Purifi-cation, often with emo-tional renewal. Catharsisis a theme in many ofShakespeare’s tragedies.
14. monolithic—[A] Mas-sive; resembling a mono-lith. The employeesformed a monolithic frontin opposing the strike.
15. dissonance—[D] Lackof agreement, often be-tween beliefs and actions.
The soldier felt a disso-nance regarding his du-ties and religious ideals.
16. bifurcated—[A] Di-vided into two branches orparts. The political partyfound itself bifurcated bymany key issues.
1. condone—[B] Toregard something,usually negative, asacceptable or harm-less. South Africalong condoned thepractice of racism.
3. satire—[D] Sar-castic wit and ironyused to expose viceor folly. Jon Stewartappreciates that thiscountry allows foropen satire.
4. palatable—[B]Agreeable to taste;acceptable to themind. The proposedconstitution wasbarely palatable tothe young nation.
5. arbiter—[C] Ajudge; one whoseopinion is consid-ered authoritative. Some people may perceive news anchors to be arbiters of the truth.
6. coercive—[B] Control-ling or dominating byforce. Early missionariessometimes used coercivemeasures to convert peo-ple to Christianity. (Latinco, “together,” and arcere,“shut in, keep off.”)
7. impugn (im PYOON)—[C] To attack as false,often by words or argu-ment. The prosecutor was quick to impugn thewitness’s character.
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
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ANSWERS
VOCABULARY RATINGS8-10 Good 11-13 Excellent 14-16 Exceptional
Weekend Update Answers:Chevy Chase; Dennis Miller;Norm MacDonald; Tina Fey;Kevin Nealon; Bill Murray;Jane Curtin.
8. symbiosis—[A]Cooperative unionof two dissimilar organisms. The old-timers welcomed the settlers, forming a long-lasting symbiosis.
9. skew—[B] To distort orslant. Researchers skewedthe data in hopes of get-ting a larger grant. (OldNorth French eskiuer, “to shy away, avoid.”)
10. vociferous—[A]Marked by loud outcry.The celebrity’s arrest wasmet with vociferousprotest from the crowd.
2. lemming—[C]Short-tailed rodent, known for recurrent massmigrations, someof them suicidal.The holiday shoppers ran like lemmings to thesale aisle.
For more vocabulary-building fun and games online, go to wordpower.com.
Andy Simmons is guest columnist thismonth while Mary Roach is on sabbatical writing her third book.
MY PLANETBY ANDY SIMMONS, GUEST COLUMNIST
ILLUSTRATED BY BONNIE TIMMONS 61
What timing! I’djust worn a holethrough my llamawool sweater
and used up the last of mypatchouli-scented soap when I got the memo that“metrosexual” was out and“machosexual” was in.Women, it seems, have tiredof men with hairless chests,so they’ve changed the rules,and the old macho is back invogue. From now on, guysneed to look and act tough—at a minimum, tough enough to open jelly jars without having to run them under hot water.
Taking my marching orders, thefirst thing I did was to exhale for thefirst time in three years, letting mybelly settle back into its natural po-sition draped over my belt. I thencanceled my membership in theTiramisu–of-the-Month club.
Gone, too, was the easy sympathyI doled out to my three-year-olddaughter after she pulled the headoff her Polly Pocket doll for the 12th
time. “Now it’s a Marie Antoinettedoll,” I told Quinn, knowing thattough love was the best love.
Gone was my simple acquies-cence when my wife, Jennifer, informed me we’d be watching theMelissa Gilbert retrospective onLifetime Television.
“Sorry,” I told her, “this TV hasbeen reserved for a special editionof ‘Killing Cattle With Mike Ditka.’ ”
Part of the machosexual compactis to fulfill traditional male roles—tobe the rock, the decision-maker. Soas commander-in-chief of our littletribe, I canceled our family trip to
Macho,Macho Man
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
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Hersheypark. “Machosexuals,” I explained, “don’t have chocolatygood times. We have adventures.”But being a benevolent dictator, Ipresented an alternative.
“Who wants to go bareback rhinoracing in Zimbabwe?” I asked.
Machosexuals are a patient lot, so
when Jennifer said, “No, we’re goingto Hersheypark,” I knew that perse-verance was in order.
“Wanna take a steam bath in anactive volcano in Indonesia?”
“No.”“Fly a MiG-29 at mach 3 over
Moscow, going 60,000 feet straightup in the air at a 90-degree angleuntil the engine stalls and we tum-ble back to earth in a free fall, com-ing just ten feet off the groundbefore pulling up?”
“No.”“Kayak down Victoria Falls? Go
skinny-dipping in the Arctic? Walkover to the mini-mart and eat five-day-old sushi?”
No, no and no. “You don’t like to have fun, do
you?” Click! Jennifer turned on the TV
and raised the volume until MelissaGilbert’s voice drowned mine out.
Then, after much wrestling overthe remote, we agreed that I should
be kicked out of the house. So off I stomped to the nearest
watering hole to be with my fellowbulls. I was glad to see everyone hadread the same memo as me. Gonewere the cosmopolitans and choco-late martinis. In their place was onlyone choice: “Barkeep,” I said,
“gimme a Milwaukee’s Best!”A cold, frothy one appearedbefore me.
There was backslapping,swearing and a quick debateon wearing helmets whilemotorcycling (everyone was
against it). And we used the old barfood favorite, edamame beans, tothrow at a poster of Brad Pitt.
After raising a glass to the macho-sexuals of yore—Bogie, DukeWayne, Attila the Hun—we took outour knives and whittled some sticksbefore calling it a night.
Back home, I snuck into the houseto avoid Jennifer. We machosexualspick our battles and in so doingknow that tiptoeing is not the sameas retreating.
In the living room I found Quinncrying over her headless doll as Jennifer struggled with duct tape. I grabbed some glue, and Jenniferhanded me the doll. I reattached thehead as best I could. It slipped a bitbefore drying, giving it that cock-eyed, self-assured look that’s so attractive in a plastic doll. Quinnclimbed into my lap, and the threeof us played with her Polly Pockets.
Who knew playing with dollscould be so much fun? ■
“Wanna take a steambath in an active volcano in Indonesia?”
69
HEALTHIQGET SMART ABOUT YOUR BODY WITH DR. ROIZEN & DR. OZ
Muscle Up in MinutesI don’t have much time to work out. When I do,should I focus on cardio, strength training, yoga or something else?
Even if you’re busier than a tollbooth collector on Labor Day weekend, you can stillbenefit from short sweat sessions. Above all,strengthen your muscles and increase yourmetabolism, as muscle burns more caloriesthan fat. Try doing resistance moves that
don’t require equipment: push-upsfor your upper body, crunches foryour abs, and the invisible chair
for your legs and butt (squatwith your back against a wall;hold the position for up to two minutes). For a 20-minute workout that com-bines strength, stretching
and cardiovascular training, visit realage.com.For maximum health benefits, include 30 min-utes a day of walking. No time? Work three10-minute sessions into your life: Park fartheraway at work, buy a headset and walk in cir-cles while you’re on the phone, or take Brutusfor two loopsaround theblock.
Q&A
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THE BUZZ
1Meditation maylower blood pressure
and reduce insulin resistance in peoplewith heart disease.
2More Ameri-cans abuse
prescriptiondrugs than cocaine, hallu-cinogens, inhalantsand heroin combined.
3Inactive folksare up to
2.4 times as likelyto have heart disease as moreactive people.
4Asthma suffererscan reduce their use
of reliever inhalers by86% with breathing exercises.
5Men with Parkin-son’s disease are
more than twice aslikely to have been exposed to pesticidesthrough work or hobbies than thosewithout the condition.
Most people who see a doctor forheadaches actually
have migraines. Motrin or Advilhelp, but if you need any drug twoor three times a week or more, seeyour doctor. Ask about triptans ordrugs to stop headaches before theystart. Magnesium, CoQ10 and ri-boflavin may also prevent them. Ifyou have new, severe headaches, itmay be a sign of a serious problem.JAY LOMBARD, DO, Pomona, New York
HOW TO MANAGEONE COMMON PROBLEM FOUR EXPERT SOLUTIONS
HEADACHES
BOTTOM LINEA headache is your body’s cry for help. If severe, we must ensure it’s not something more serious. Prevent recurring head-aches by treating triggers, such as stress, environmental toxins or inadequate sleep. With treatment, less is better, since thedrugs can cause side effects. Try acupressure on the brow be-tween your eyes or just above your temples. DR. ROIZEN & DR. OZ
70
Mix two drops of peppermintoil (Mentha piperita) in a teaspoon of olive oil. Rub
on your forehead and temples for instant cooling to ease pain. Or tryputting two drops of lavender (Lavandula angustifolia), mandarin
(Citrus reticulata) or clary sage (Salvia sclarea)
essential oils on a cottonball. Inhale for two tothree minutes. JANE BUCKLE, PHD, Author, Clinical Aromatherapy: Essential Oils in Practice
Treatment is based onyour other symptoms(fatigue, dizziness, irritability)
and type of pain (one- or two-sided,dull throbbing, stabbing). Some findacupressure helpful: For pain in thefront of the head, apply pressure fora minute or so in the webbing be-tween the thumb and forefinger. Forpain on the sides of the head, presson the top of the foot, between thebig toe and second toe. ANJALI HASIJA LAC, Holistic Center and Spa, New York, New York
THE NUTRITIONIST THE AROMATHERAPIST
THE ACUPUNCTURIST THE NEUROLOGIST
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We look at food first—it’seasiest to manipulate. Foodtriggers are different for
everyone: For some, red wine orcheese may be to blame. Figure outyour danger foods; then avoid them.Caffeine withdrawal is a commonculprit, so if you’re trying to cutback, do so gradually. In-stead of coffee, drinkplenty of water. The painwill eventually go away.ANNEMARIE COLBIN, PHD, Author, Food and Healing
29million
Americanssuffer frommigraines.
75
LıfeFOOD FOR
BY DEAN ORNISH, MDLıfe
By now you’veheard that transfatty acids arebad for you. But
you may be wonderingwhat they are and whymanufacturers keepusing them in foods.
Trans fats are madewhen hydrogen isadded to vegetableoil—a process calledhydrogenation, or par-tial hydrogenation. Theresult is that the fatstays solid at high tem-peratures and thus
lengthens the shelf lifeof foods. Unfortunately,it may also shorten the“shelf life” of thosewho eat them.
Nutrition is filledwith controversy, butalmost all expertsagree that trans fatty
acids are bad for you.That’s why the FDAnow requires manufac-turers to list theamount of trans fats intheir products, and whythe New York Cityhealth commissionerasked restaurants tostop serving foods thatcontain them.
The only controversyis whether trans fattyacids are even worsethan artery-cloggingsaturated fat, as some
experts believe. Ac-cording to other
health authorities, theyare as bad as saturatedfat but no worse.
However, scientistsat Wake Forest Univer-sity recently reportedthat diets rich in transfats may cause a redis-tribution of fat tissueinto the abdomen (theworst place to store fatfor both health and ap-pearance) and lead to ahigher body weight,even when total calo-ries are the same.
Are Trans Fats the Worst Fats?
FOOD FOR
Dr. Dean Ornish
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RESIST THE URGE:DOUGHNUTS ARE A DIET DANGER
For a list of productswith hidden sources of transfats, go to rd.com/transfat.
LIVE WITH LESS
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The bottom line: Tothe degree you reduceyour intake of saturatedfat and trans fatty acids,you reduce your risk of a heart attack andother illnesses. In itsnew dietary guidelines,
the American Heart Association now rec-ommends cutting satu-rated fat to less than 7 percent of caloriesand trans fats to lessthan 1 percent of totalcalories in your diet.
Realistically, though,most people are notgoing to calculate thesaturated fat and transfats in their diet eachday. So what can you doto protect yourself andyour family? See below.
• Reduce your intake of foodshigh in trans fats. These includemost fried foods and many commer-cially prepared cookies, cakes,crackers and snack foods. If thelabel says “hydrogenated” or “par-tially hydrogenated,” avoid it. Ingeneral, steer clear of foods thatcontain more than 3 grams of transfats or saturated fats per serving.
• Cut your consumption of foodshigh in saturated fats. These arefound in meat and dairy products as well as some tropical oils,such as palm oil and coconut oil.Most people eat four times asmuch saturated fat as trans fats,so there is even more room forimprovement here.
• Ask food manufac-turers to stop using transfats in their foods. Fouryears ago, for example,Dr. Kenneth Cooperand I advised Pepsi-Co to remove thetrans fats from itsFrito-Lay prod-ucts, and the com-pany spent tens of
millions of dollars doing so. Otherscan follow that example.
• Support efforts to requirerestaurants to disclose the amountof trans fats and saturated fats in thefoods they serve. Food manufac-turers are required to do so, but notrestaurants, even though more thanone-third of calories are consumedoutside the home.
• Instead of butter, try margarinesthat are low in both trans fats andsaturated fat. Some brands, espe-cially those that come in sticks, arelow in trans fats but high in satu-rated fat. Others in tubs are free of
trans fats and low in saturatedfat. Check the labels.
• When cooking athome, use oils that are
low in trans fats and satu-rated fat, such as olive oil
and canola oil, which havethe added advantage of being high in the protective
omega-3 fatty acids.All fats are dense in
calories, so useeven “good fats”sparingly.
MONEY MAKERSMARIA BARTIROMO
PHOTO-ILLUSTRATION BY FRANCISCO CACERES; PHOTO: AMY SUSSMAN/GRAYLOCK.COM/AP IMAGES 83
Fred smith was just 27 whenhe founded FedEx. Thirty-fiveyears later, he’s still at thehelm. He attributes the suc-
cess of the company to leadership,pure and simple—something hepicked up from his years in the mili-tary, and from his family.
Smith’s grandfather had captaineda Mississippi River steamboat;his father built the Grey-hound Bus Line in the South,expanding his fortune alongwith the routes. Smith sayshe was just four when his fa-ther died, “so he probablyserved as a near mythicalrole model for me.”
Growing up in Memphis,Tennessee, Smithsays, “I didn’t knowI wanted to go intobusiness, but I knewI wanted a leader-ship position. That appealed to me.”
His passion wasflying. At 15, he was
operating a crop-duster over the flatfields of the Mississippi Delta. As astudent at Yale University, he helpedresurrect the Yale flying club; itsalumni had populated naval aviationhistory, including the famous “mil-lionaires’ unit” in World War I.Smith took care of the club’s busi-ness end and ran a small air-charter
operation in New Haven. With little time to study, his
scholastic performance suf-fered, but Smith never stoppedlooking for the “big idea.”
He thought he had found it when he wrote a term paper for an economics class. He out-lined an idea for a transportationcompany that would guarantee
overnight deliveryof small, time-sensitive goods—
ATeam LeaderHe turned a mediocre term paper into a $32 billion business
NB
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Maria Bartiromo is hostand managing editor of the syndicated program
The Wall Street JournalReport, as well as host
of CNBC’s Closing Bell.
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
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replacement parts and medical sup-plies—to major U.S. cities. The pro-fessor was not impressed.
Smith was certain he was ontosomething, but it would be a whilebefore he could turn his idea into re-ality. He graduated from Yale in 1966just as America's involvement in the
Vietnam War was escalating. Sincehe had attended officers’ trainingclasses, he joined the Marines.
Smith completed two tours inVietnam, eventually flying morethan 200 ground-support missions.In 1970, he was honorably dis-charged, as captain, with a SilverStar, a Bronze Star, two PurpleHearts—and a profound sense ofwhat it means to be a leader.
“The Marines are arguably thebest leadership training organiza-tion that one could possibly imag-ine,” he says. “In the military, leader-ship means getting a group of peopleto subordinate their individual de-sires and ambitions for the achieve-ment of organizational goals. Andgood leadership has very measurableeffects on a company’s bottom line.”
Home from Vietnam, Smith became fascinated by the notionthat if you connected all the pointsof a network through a central hub,the efficiencies could be enormous,
whether the system involved mov-ing packages and letters or peopleand planes. With an investmentfrom his father’s company, as well as a chunk of his own inheritance, Smith bought his first Dassault Falcon planes, and in 1971 formedthe Federal Express Corporation.
Today, FedEx is a $32 billion global trans-portation and logisticscompany, serving over 220countries and territories.Operations include morethan 670 aircraft and 70,000
vehicles. Some 260,000 employeesand independent contractors world-wide handle more than 6 millionshipments each business day.
Along the way, FedEx pioneeredthe “hub and spoke” system, whichhas since been adopted by almost allmajor airlines. The phrase “FedExit” has become as much a part of thelanguage as Xerox or Google.
Smith says success in businessboils down to three things. “Youhave got to have a viable product or service and a compelling strategy.Then you need an efficient manage-ment system. Assuming you havethose things, leading a team is thesingle most important issue in run-ning an organization today.”
For Fred Smith, there is a bred-in-the-bone satisfaction that comesfrom getting people to do the bestjob they can do every day.
“FedEx it” is as much a part of the language asXerox or Google.
Got a money question? Write to MariaBartiromo at [email protected].
®ALL IN A DAY’S WORK
When i taughtin a prison,
one of my students keptmissing classes. First itwas because he had atooth pulled; then histonsils were removed. Finally, he chopped offthe tip of his finger inworkshop. All of this ledone guard to comment,“We better keep an eyeon this guy. He seems tobe trying to escape onepiece at a time.”
LUCY GRACE
A very pregnantwoman made her way to our nurses station inthe labor-and-deliveryward. Her mind under-standably elsewhere, sheexplained, “I’m here tobe seduced.”
My co-worker smiledand said, “I think you al-ready have been.”
MARY ZIEGLER
87
When a car blew past a stop sign at a busy intersec-tion, my uncle, a Mississippi state trooper, gavechase and pulled the driver over.
“Didn’t you see that stop sign back there?” myuncle asked.
“Yeah, I saw it,” admittedthe driver. “The problem is,I didn’t see you.” MICHAEL HAMILTON
Iwas helping a friend of mine with
his roadside farm standwhen a man stopped by and asked how muchthe eggs were.
“Sixty cents for thesmall, 70 cents for the
medium, 90 cents forthe large and 30 centsfor the cracked ones,” I answered.
“All right,” he said.“Crack me a dozen ofthe large ones.”
RUSSELL LONG
Posted on the elevator at work is the usual warningsign: “In case of firedo not use elevator.”Scrawled in pen be-neath it is this adden-dum: “Use water.”
DAVID MOORE
ILLUSTRATED BY BILL LEE
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
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Trouble was brewing atour auto company, so myboss posted this memo:“We have not succeededin solving all your prob-lems. The solutions wehave found only serve to raise a whole new setof problems. We are asconfused as ever, but we believe we are
confused on a higherlevel andabout moreimportantthings.”
CLAYTON MULLEN
The dean of admissions at Bates College inMaine reads through reams of applications
from nervous high school seniors, some maybe a little more nervous than others. Here are a few.
• “If there is a single word to describe me, thatword would have to be ‘profectionist.’ ”
• “I was abducted into the National Honor Society.”• “I function well as an individual and a group.”• “Mathematics has hung like a stork around
my neck.” RICHARD LEDERER, More Anguished English (Dell); Submitted by STEPHANIE PAULSEN
Potential jurorsknow that much oftheir time is spent simply cooling theirheels. As the court attendant, I was doingmy best to keep a jurypool of 75 happy whilethey waited to becalled. After a fullmorning of doing noth-ing, however, one mansuggested this:
“Open the blinds,”he commented, “andwe could watch theseasons go by.”
CAROL BECKLEY
All i could thinkwhen I got the e-mailsent to all University of Georgia staff mem-bers was, What a bunch of wimps!
The subject linescreamed “Statewide Severe Weather Drill—Wednesday.”
When I opened themessage, it read “In theevent of bad weather,the drill will be resched-uled to Friday.”
BETH KITTLE
You could earn up to $300for your own funny story. Go to rd.com/joke or seepage 146 for details.
Unimpressed with the prices he found at our one-hour photo shop outside Washington, D.C.,a customer asked where he might find a better dealon a head shot.
“Go to the theater. There’s a booth there,” I said. “Oh,” said the man, recoiling. “That sounds
dangerous.” MEGAN KRESS
Unlike many other professionals, my par-ents, both mathematicsprofessors, can’t seem to leave their work in the classroom. Recently I witnessed the followingconversation.
Mom: Has my midsection gotten larger?
Dad: Yes.Mom: Since exactly
when?Dad: I don’t know.
It’s a continuous func-tion. But it became statistically significantabout six months ago.
PRIYANKA BASAK
HUMOR IN UNIFORM®
ILLUSTRATION BY GEORGE JARTOS90
You could earn up to $300for your own funny story. Go to rd.com/joke or seepage 146 for details.
“I feel sorry forthis soldier,” joked my husband as hehanded me a flier he’dfound in our mailbox.It read:
Lost CatBlack and whiteAnswers to NateBelongs to a soldierRecently neutered
SONDRA GILBERTSON
Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler ArmyMedical Center for a heart bypass operation and
discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror. “What a name for a doctor,” I said, not sure
whether to laugh or cry.“Yeah,” he agreed. “You can imagine the reaction I
got when I was a major.” GARY MEYERS
I was dishing out chow to the Marines at Cherry Point, North Carolina, when an irate gunnerysergeant slammed histray on the counter andpointed to a cookedgrasshopper sitting ontop of his spinach.
“Look at that!” hebarked.
Motioning to the other Marines waiting in line, my boss, the mess sergeant, leanedover.
“Keep it down, Sarge,”he whispered, “or elsethey’ll all want one.”
RON PIRKLE
“Today, gentlemen,
I have some good newsand some bad news,”said our platoonsergeant during ourmorning lineup. “First,the good news. PrivateTomkins will be settingthe pace on our run.”
The platoon began tohoot and holler, sincethe overweight Tomkinswas the slowest guy inthe group.
“Now the bad news.Private Tomkins will bedriving a truck.”
RICK STOVER
TURNING POINT
ALAN LEVENSON
When I was a kid growingup in Chicago, I lovedwatching comedians ontelevision. I’d hear a
joke and ask myself why it got alaugh. What made it work? Could Iever make it as a stand-up comic?
But first I had to finish school andearn a living. After graduating fromLoyola University with a manage-ment degree and serving two yearsin the Army, I took a job as an ac-countant in downtown Chicago. Asyour basic 9-to-5 bookkeeper, myduties included managing the pettycash. It was in this area that I devel-
Finding My Funny BoneI was a numbers guy.Could I make a living at comedy? B Y B O B N E W H A R T
FROM “I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE DOING THIS”
oped my own very odd theory of ac-counting: If you got within a couplebucks, everything was okay. (Thetheory never really caught on.)
Salesmen would come in from theroad and turn in their receipts. I’dgive them cash and put the receiptsin the petty-cash drawer. At the endof the day, I’d have to reconcile whatwas in the drawer with the receipts.It was always close, but it never bal-anced. At five o’clock, when every-body else was leaving the office, I’dbe tearing my hair out because pettycash was short by $1.48. Around 8 p.m., I’d find the discrepancy.
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RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
I followed this routine for a cou-ple weeks. Finally, one day, I pulledthe amount I was short from mypocket—$1.67—put it in the drawer,and called it a day.
Not long after, the petty cashdrawer was over by $2.11. So I took
$2.11 out of petty cash and pocketedthat. I was hardly stealing. In-evitably, in the next couple days, I would be under, and back themoney would go.
After several weeks of this, Mr.Hutchinson, head of accounting, discovered my shortcut to balancingpetty cash. “George,” he lecturedme, using my given name, “these arenot sound accounting principles.”
“You know, Mr. Hutchinson,” I said, “I just don’t think I’m cut outfor accounting. Why would you payme $6 an hour to spend four hoursfinding $1.40?”
To pass the tedious afternoons, I began swapping absurd stories onthe phone with my friend Ed Gal-lagher, who was starting out in ad-vertising. I’d mine things from myeveryday world in Chicago. I’d callEd and identify myself as, say, theplant manager of a yeast factory.“Sir, it’s Mr. Tompkins, and we have
a problem at your yeast factory.There’s a fire. Hold on, sir, I have to put you on hold while I run up another floor. The yeast is rising ...Sir, are you still there?”
A friend of ours, Chris Petersen,heard the routines and offered to
put up the money for us torecord them and send themto radio stations. Ed and I decided to give it a try. Itbeat working. After record-ing the routines and mail-ing out 100 demo tapes tostations around the coun-
try, three wrote back. They askedhow much we wanted. Soon wewere on the air.
I didn’t intend to be a stand-upcomedian, though. I just wanted tosee if I could make a living at beingfunny. That was the drive.
I left the world of accounting andtook a series of part-time jobs totide me over, hoping for a big break.These were lean years for me. Iavoided starvation by living in myparents’ house until I was 29. Oneyear—and this was in the late1950s—I earned all of $1,100.
By now my friends were married,buying houses and cars, preparingto start families. I still really wasn’tdoing anything. There was a point atwhich I thought, You have majorlyscrewed up. Look at what you have done to your life.
Each morning, I’d pore over thewant ads in the Chicago Tribune,looking for yet another part-time
I avoided starvation by living in my parents’house until I was 29 years old.
“I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE DOING THIS: AND OTHER THINGS THAT STRIKE ME AS FUNNY,” COPYRIGHT © 2006 BY BOB NEWHART,IS PUBLISHED AT $23.95 BY HYPERION, 77 W. 66 ST., NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10023
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
job. One typical morning, I cameacross a full-page ad for driving in-structors. It occurred to me that Ihad seen this ad the day before andthe day before that. I began to won-der why there was such an insa-tiable need for driving instructors.
I tried to imagine what an averageday was like for them. Then I exag-gerated a little bit and came up withthis: A group of men go to workevery day and never know for sure ifthey’ll return home at night becausethey face death 100 different ways.
I sat down and wrote “The Driv-ing Instructor,” despite the fact thatI had no place to sell it or performit. “Okay, Mrs. Webb, let’s pull intotraffic,” the routine went. “What’sthe first thing you need to do? ... Be-sides praying. No, what I had inmind was checking the rearviewmirror. Don’t pull out! Please don’tcry. I’m sorry, but there was this bus,Mrs. Webb. All right, the lane isclear. Let’s get up a bit more speed.Well, I didn’t want to cover reversethis early, but as long as you’veshifted into it ... Of course you’renervous, Mrs. Webb. I’m nervous.Don’t pay any attention to the honk-ing. You’re doing fine. No, as long asyou’re here on the safety island,you’re not blocking anyone ...”
Strange but true: At the time I wrote “The Driving Instructor,” I didn’t have a driver’s license. (Itwasn’t until I was 33 years old andmarried to my wife, Ginnie, for ayear, that I learned how to drive.)
“The Driving Instructor” was the
start for me. After that, I wrotemore routines. Then an executive atWarner Bros. Records, GeorgeAvakian, said he wanted to send ateam of engineers to record my per-formances live. That sounded fine,but there was one small problem. Ihad never played a nightclub.
I managed to get booked into theTidelands Motor Inn in Houston fortwo weeks in February 1960. And onFebruary 10, my performance wasrecorded for The Button-Down Mindof Bob Newhart, my first album.
The album flew off the shelves. Itshot to No. 1 on the Billboard recordcharts. That year was surreal for me.I won three Grammy Awards—forbest new artist; album of the yearfor The Button-Down Mind; and bestcomedy performance for my follow-up album, The Button-Down MindStrikes Back.
Lately I have begun to receiveroyalties on the albums on a quarterly basis. Even as a trained accountant, I’m not exactly surehow they calculate these royaltieswithout all of the financial recordsand contracts that burned up in The Great Warners Office Fire of ’73. Butthey apparently havea formula. Just lastweek, I received acheck for $1.18.
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Award-winning actor Bob Newhart appears on “Desperate Housewives,” inhit movies, and in venues nationwide.
To buy the book I Shouldn’t Even BeDoing This, go to rd.com/newhart.
ASK LASKAS
PHOTO-ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN CORBITT; PHOTO: KAREN MEYERS 97
A Dear Twin,Just be honest. But hold the
torpedoes. Bitter reports soundspiteful. On the other hand, don’tplay with fire by offering a sparklingreport—that, too, could come backto burn you. If asked, and it’s in-house and confidential, tell it as yousee it, backed up by facts.
Q I have lots of friends, and noneof them like each other. I intro-
duced a new friend “Bev” to my oldfriend “Janet” recently. They did nothit it off. Now each talks bad aboutthe other to me. How am I supposedto deal with this? DIPLOMAT
A Dear Dip,Ever since the invention of the
playground, old friends have beenjealous of new friends and viceversa. This is the price of popularity.Each wants to lay claim to you. Tokeep the peace, refuse to listen to
bad-mouthing. Say, “She’s my friendand you can’t talk about her thatway!” And don’t allow anyone intoyour circle who doesn’t measure upto your high standards of friendship.
Q I’m a 53-year-old divorced man,living in a small city in Wiscon-
sin. I met a 21-year-old woman at aclub a few weeks ago, and we chat-ted. Then by chance we met againand I invited her out to lunch. Wehad a fantastic time talking. She saysshe would like to go out with me.I’m a little reluctant because of theage difference. Celebrities can do it,but in real life do these May-Decem-ber things work out? FATHER TIME
A Dear Ol’ Dad,Whoa! Slow down. We’re talk-
ing about a second date here, not alifetime commitment. If you twoenjoy each other, go out, see whatdevelops. The age difference may or
Q A colleague gave my name asa reference for a promotionwithout my permission. My
concern is he has a poor work ethic.He’s chronically late and shirks hisduties. Part of me wants to write aglowing report in hopes he’ll get transferred; the evil sidewants to torpedo him. What should I do? GIVING IN TO THE EVIL TWIN
YOU’VE GOT QUESTIONS, SHE’S GOT ANSWERS
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may not be a stumbling block—youwon’t know until you’ve walked thatpath. Meantime, look anywhere ex-cept the world of celebrity for guid-ance about real and lasting romance.
Q My husband’s parents passedaway, and now he’s lugging
home tons of stuff only a mothercould love. And I’m not his mother.When he installed a magazine rackhe made in the fourth grade in our
living room, I held my tongue. Howcan I ban the trashy memorabiliawithout causing pain? UNSENTIMENTAL
A Dear Unsentimental,Oh, I know it’s difficult, but
suck it up and embrace the maga-zine rack. The poor guy just lost hisparents. At times like this, somespouses do worse than cling tomemories. Consider yourself lucky.Your husband’s attachments are im-portant to him, and this bodes wellfor the union you two have. In timeyou might be able to “rearrange thefurniture,” or hand over the den tohim for all his special treasures andclose the door.
Q A guy in my office is gettingmarried. To cut costs he’s asked
co-workers not to bring a guest tothe wedding. This seems like pooretiquette to me. The reception is ata fancy country club and he’s plan-ning an international honeymoon.Why should I give a gift when Ican’t bring my wife to the party? AmI out of line? WEDDING SMASHER
A Dear Smasher,Your colleague should know
better. A wedding is not a businessdinner. Spouses and significant oth-ers should always be included. Butsome people don’t know the rules or simply disregard them. If thechoice is between getting your col-league irked or making your spousefeel bad, err on the side of yourspouse and decline the invitation.
QUESTIONS ABOUT PARENTS, PETS,PARTNERS OR OFFICE POLITICS? E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas at [email protected]. Sending gives uspermission to edit and publish.
Question of the Month
Q I’m a listener. Friends, family,everyone tells me their trou-
bles. People I meet for the firsttime pour out their life’s story. Butno one listens to me. If I have anopinion or talk about myself, theyyak right over me. It upsets methat I let myself be ignored. Whatcan I do? QUIET TYPE
A Dear Quiet,I hear you. First, congratulate
yourself for being a person othersfeel they can trust. It’s a rare gift.Be proud of it. Now add a secondskill: Lure a listener with a ques-tion. Try this: “Can you keep a secret?” Or: “Can I trust you with a bit of my own personal story?”Make your listener feel importantand you’ve got him hooked!
QUOTABLE QUOTES ®“
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We pay $100 for the wit and wisdom offamous contemporary people. See page 146.$
a) David Letterman
You can’t deny laughter. When itcomes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants. STEPHEN KING
If there’s one thing I know, it’s thatGod does love a good joke.
HUGH ELLIOTT, blogs.salon.com
The only way you can know wherethe line is, is if you cross it.
DAVE CHAPPELLE on Inside the Actors Studio (Bravo)
Humor is a rubbersword—it allowsyou to make a pointwithout drawingblood. MARY HIRSCH
Good taste is the enemy of comedy.MEL BROOKS in New York Daily News
I can’t sing, danceor act. What elsewould I be but atalk show host?
a) David Letterman
b) Craig Ferguson
c) Regis PhilbinFOR ANSWER, SEE BELOW
WHOSAIDIT?
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out my nose. WOODY ALLEN
I’m not funny. What I am is brave.LUCILLE BALL
You’re only given a little spark ofmadness. You mustn’t lose it.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
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AS
GU
ER
IN/A
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To succeed in life, you need threethings: a wishbone, a backboneand a funnybone.
REBA MCENTIRE in Comfort From a Country Quilt (Bantam) Comedy is
like catching lightning in a bottle.GOLDIE HAWN at U.S. Comedy Arts Festival
TheFunny
FactorWhy smart brains take humor seriously
B Y D A N F E R B E R , P h D
ILLUSTRATED BY MARC ROSENTHAL; SPOTS: ELWOOD SMITH
wo worms sit on acouch at a party. Themale worm smiles sug-gestively and chats upthe female. Nearby, twoother male worms castthe couple a sidelongglance. “You gotta check
this out, Stuart,” one says. “Vinnie’sover on the couch, putting the moveson Zelda Schwartz—but he’s talkin’ tothe wrong end.”
John Allman, PhD, laughs quietly ashe reads the caption of this Far Side
cartoon. The neuroscientist from Cal-ifornia Institute of Technology is lyinginside a dark, clanking metal cylinder,watching Gary Larson’s drawing on ascreen. His legs protrude from the ma-chine into a windowless basement lab-oratory on the Caltech campus. In thecontrol room next door, Karli Watson,a graduate student, sits at the console,which controls the MRI scanner intowhich Allman is inserted. As Allmangets the joke, Watson is taking read-ings of his brain. Welcome to humorresearch, circa 2006.
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What’s So Funny?Humor is so clearly central to the
human adventure that it’s surprisinghow little attention science has paidit until recently, preferring instead totackle weightier subjects like globalwarming, earth-menacing asteroidsand the dangers of trans fats in GirlScout cookies. “No one takes humorseriously,” jokes Ed Dunkelblau, PhD,a psychologist, humor consultant andformer president of the Associationfor Applied and Therapeutic Humor.Nonetheless, Allman and a smatter-ing of other scientists have forgedbravely ahead, to the occasional con-sternation of their more earnestcolleagues, probing mindsand brains to find ourfunny bones.
And they’re findingthem, buried deep in ourgray matter. Humor, itturns out, is a whole-brain experience, withnetworks of brain parts—call them “humor mus-cles”—passing signalsquickly and efficiently tohelp us get a joke. Weneed relatively few ofthose muscles to com-prehend simple slapsticklike that in The ThreeStooges, which requiresus only to chortle whenMoe pokes Curly in the eye. But com-plex humor, such as the jokes, cartoonsand funny stories in Reader’s Digest,puts more of our brains to work.
Today, using the tools of neuro-
science (functional MRI machines,PET scans and statistics) and psychol-ogy (questionnaires, psychology stu-dents and more statistics), researcherslike Allman are beginning to under-stand exactly how our brain’s humormuscles figure out what’s funny, andhow exercising them may sharpen ourminds. They aren’t saying that regularhelpings of jokes or Adam Sandlermovies will qualify us all for Mensa.But a growing body of research sug-gests that humor can tune our minds,help us learn, and keep us mentallyloose, limber and creative.
Flexing YourHumor Muscles
The scientific hunt forthe brain’s humor mus-cles begins with (whatelse?) an academic hy-pothesis of humor. It’scalled incongruity, and
it’s a widely accepted ideaabout how humor works.
For example, take thisjoke (please): Why won’tsharks attack lawyers?Professional courtesy.
The punch line makesno sense at first andbriefly trips us up. That’sincongruity. To get thejoke, we rifle throughour mental files on lan-
guage, syntax and social know-how.Then, in a flash, we mentally shiftgears and see the story in a new light.We delight in the surprising logic, es-pecially if it reveals a rarely spoken
What do neurons in the
brain use to talkto each other?
Cellular phones.
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truth about human nature.Then we laugh. We do allthat in a fraction of a sec-ond—no mean feat, evenby the high standards ofthe human brain.
Neuroscientists suspectthat separate humor mus-cles are responsible for eachof these mental tasks. Byexercising them, welearn and develop. “Eachhumor event you expe-rience makes you growa little bit—as the brainhas expanded and takenon new connections,” ex-plains William Fry, MD,a pioneering humor re-searcher and professor emeritus ofpsychiatry at Stanford UniversitySchool of Medicine.
In studying patients with brain in-juries, neurologists came to suspectthat the right frontal lobe was criticalfor appreciating what’s comical. In1999, Donald Stuss, PhD, and PrathibaShammi, PhD, two neuropsychologistsat Baycrest, a hospital and researchinstitute in Toronto, tested that idea.They identified 21 patients with dam-age limited to either their right frontallobes or another brain region; thenthey had the patients read humorousstatements. (Example: A sign in aHong Kong tailor’s shop read “Pleasehave a fit upstairs.” Another example:A sign in a Tokyo hotel read “Guestsare invited to take advantage of thechambermaid.”)
Only patients with a damaged right
prefrontal cortex didn’t getthe humor at all. The pa-tients still appreciatedthe slapstick, though.All this means is thatthe right frontal humor
muscle is exercised onlyduring so-called thought-
ful forms of humor.To locate other humor
muscles, neuroscientistslike Allman have re-cently begun placinghealthy people in func-tional MRI scanners,then showing them car-toons or television sit-coms. The scans revealblood flow to several dif-
ferent brain regions, which shows howhard they’re working.
Your Brain on Ha-HaOther brain-scan results are paint-
ing a new picture of the brain’s humorsystem. Here’s how scientists think itworks: When you hear a joke, a lan-guage center on the left side of yourbrain makes sense of the words, thensends the message across to the rightside of the brain. There, the rightfrontal cortex delves into regions in-cluding those that store emotions andsocial memories, then shuffles the in-formation until it clicks and you getthe joke. Next, a structure deep in thebrain pumps out dopamine, a “rewardsystem” chemical that makes you feelgood, and a primitive region near thebase of your skull makes you laugh.
At Caltech, Allman and Watson dis-
What kind of fish
performs brainoperations?A neuro- sturgeon.
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covered an important new humormuscle by scanning Allman’s brain, aswell as those of 19 other people. In-side the scanner, each subject viewed47 Far Side cartoons and 53 NewYorker cartoons, while pushing but-tons on a handheld device to rate howfunny each was. The results sug-gested for the first time howhumor might change ourbrain to sharpen our in-tuition. Allman and Wat-son had already focusedon two parts of thefrontal lobe that workwhen we react intuitively.The results of the experi-ment, which were pub-lished in March in thejournal Cerebral Cortex,showed that the funnierthe subjects rated thecartoon, the harderthose two brain partsworked.
But the same two re-gions also activate whenwe experience complex emotions,such as love, lust and guilt. Since bothintuition and emotions come into playwhen we make social decisions, All-man suspects that the two new humormuscles play a role in the fast, intu-itive (and sometimes wrong) judg-ments we routinely make aboutothers.
Allman believes that complexhumor may actually recalibrate ourintuition, allowing us to make bettersocial decisions. “I think we’ve hitupon the mechanism of that,” he says.
If so, then lightening up could keepour hunches on target.
Don’t Forget This!Meanwhile, psychologists have
come up with other reasons to lookfor the lighter side of life. For starters,
humor can improve memory.That’s what advertisers have
long suspected. “Otherwise,you would never have alizard selling insuranceor a dog selling beer,”Dunkelblau says.
But there was little hard evidence until 1994,
when psychologist Ste-phen Schmidt, PhD, ofMiddle Tennessee StateUniversity had 38 psy-chology undergraduatesread sentences like thisone: “There are threeways a man can wear hishair: parted, unpartedand departed.” He alsohad them read straight
versions of the same sentences: “Mencan wear their hair with or without apart, unless they are bald.” The stu-dents remembered the funny sen-tences, and words from thosesentences, better than they recalledthe unfunny ones.
Ron Berk, PhD, a psychologist whotaught statistics at Johns Hopkins Uni-versity, has put such knowledge towork in the classroom, using jokes,funny examples, sight gags and skits.Each semester he’d untuck his shirt,put a cigar in his mouth and a base-
What did thebrain say duringits retirement
speech?Thanks for
the memories.
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ball cap on his head, and show up tohis statistics class with an impeccablydressed, somewhat formal female col-league. “I’m Oscar and this is Felice,and we’re going to talk about relation-ships,” he said, as the theme from TheOdd Couple played. The studentslaughed because their professorslooked ridiculous. But as they listedthe couple’s similarities and differ-ences, the humor helped them learnan important statistical concept.
Berk has published a series of stud-ies showing that sharing a laugh helpsstudents learn more. Even funny testdirections helped students do signif-icantly better on an otherwise identi-cal exam, according to a study Berkdid that will be published later thisyear. He also detailed his unorthodoxteaching methods in a book, Humoras an Instructional Defibrillator.
Gettin’ More CreativeHumor can also loosen up our
minds, allowing us to play aroundwith ideas and be more creative.That’s according to years of psycho-logical studies, many of which gotpeople to laugh, then asked them tocome up with creative things to dowith a brick. After years of brick stud-ies, psychologists were still skeptical,so in 1987, Alice Isen, PhD, a professorof psychology and management atCornell University, began using whatshe says is a better measure of cre-ativity: She challenged undergradu-ates to nail a burning candle to acorkboard.
More specifically, Isen and her co-
workers gave subjects a candle, a bookof matches, a box of tacks and ten min-utes, and told them to attach the can-dle to the wall without dripping anywax. People who were not amusedspent most of their time trying repeat-edly to tack the candle to the cork-board. “That won’t work because thecandle is too thick,” Isen says. “Be-sides, the wall would catch fire.”
But subjects who had just watchedfunny outtakes from old TV showswere more than three times as likely tofind the correct, and creative, answer:Dump the tacks from the box, tack thebox to the corkboard, and use the at-tached box as a candle holder.
Last year, Barbara Fredrickson, PhD,a psychologist at the University ofNorth Carolina at Chapel Hill, foundsimilar results when she showed sub-jects either videos of comical wad-dling penguins or neutral videos ofsticks. The amused penguin watcherswere more likely to think broadly.These results have convinced psychol-ogists that amusement and other pos-itive feelings make people think moreflexibly and try more novel alterna-tives when solving a problem.
All this suggests that by enjoyinghumor, playing and exploring, we canbetter understand ourselves, othersand the world we live in. What’s more,those changes last, and help us dur-ing hard times. So limber up yourmind and wise up by having a laugh.Hey, did you hear the one about thetwo worms at a party?
Learn more about how laughteraffects your health at rd.com/laughter.
RD Face to Face with
Drew Barrymore
KENNETH WILLARDT/CORBIS OUTLINE 107
At age three Drew Barrymore knew she would be an actress. Afterall, this was the family business: Her grandfather John, her great-aunt Ethel and great-uncle Lionel were all titans of Hollywood. Soit was no surprise that Drew became a child star in Steven Spielberg’sE.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial. But by age 13 she’d landed in rehab, ad-dicted to alcohol and cocaine.
Her rocky childhood was just the beginning of a series of badbreaks, including two brief marriages and divorces and a scaryhouse fire. Still, she knew she could overcome her mistakes andher sorrows. Drew believes that each experience—good or bad—has made her the strong, confident woman she is now. At 31, she hasa hot production company, and a happy, stable love life with FabrizioMoretti, the Brazilian-born drummer for the sizzling rock bandthe Strokes. Drew met with RD to discuss her most grown-up roleyet in this month’s film Lucky You, a gambling drama set in LasVegas. And she talked about her belief that she’s been dealt thebest hand in the universe.
The famous funny girl on why shefeels so fortunate I B Y S A R A D A V I D S O N
DrewLucky
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RD: Have you always been funny?DB: Well, the people I grew up aroundwho I really liked were quick on thedraw. It always just wowed me. Andmy mom would make weird funnycomments. I can see in myself her self-deprecating, hippie humor. I can’t takemyself too seriously.
RD: When inviting actors to work withyou, you’ve been known to say, “Comeplay with me.” DB: That’s how I think it should be. Icannot understand why people wouldever be miserable working on a movieset; it’s the most wonderful job.
RD: On some films, you can’t just play.DB: I don’t mind a little Sturm undDrang. When I was doing Riding inCars With Boys, I wouldn’t smile atanybody, because my character, Bev,was angry at the world. I’m the oppo-site. Inside my head I’d be like, God, I’llexplain to you at the end of shootingthat I’m not this person.
RD: But you’ve seen your share ofhardship and been open about it.DB: It wasn’t my choice to be an openbook, but when people found out whatmy life was like when I was 14 or 15, Ididn’t deny it. I think the more imper-fect you are, the more human you are.
RD: Your dad was absent. Your momwas unstable. You were supportingyour family. Weren’t you unhappy andangry then?DB: No. In fact, my therapist says Istill haven’t gotten in touch with my
anger. Maybe one day I’m going to explode. But I’m still really happy. Iknow it looks like a strange and painfulupbringing—all those experiences ledme to the paths that I’m on now.
RD: Do you think your early problemswith drugs and alcohol taught you aworthwhile lesson?DB: Life is a beautiful journey, and I’llnever be able to understand what it isfrom afar. But I don’t really have anydestructive behavior anymore, becauseI’ve tried that and I don’t like it. I likebeing a functioning adult.
RD: There’s a famous story aboutSteven Spielberg saying that at sixyears old you were capable of pro-ducing a major film, but nobody wassmart enough to give you the money. DB: He always had high hopes for me.I don’t know what he saw in me, butI like to orchestrate. I’m a bit of a con-trol freak. I love what producers dobecause they’re creatively involved inevery aspect of filmmaking. And I loveproblem-solving. When the crisis hits,I will be there and I will fix it.
RD: So Spielberg has sort of been yourgodfather.DB: He’s been a major mentor. He wasthe first stable male figure in my life.The best attribute a parent can have isconsistency. When he said he wouldbe there at three o’clock, he was there.That meant more to me than anything.
RD: When you were just three, youtold your mother that you wanted to
be an actress. Do you remember say-ing that?DB: I remember I said I love doing it. She helped me understand who my family was, which made me feellike I wasn’t crazy to feel that mag-netic pull.
RD: Do you think you inherited thegift for acting?DB: This is the thing that I love morethan anything in the world, and it’swhat my entire family has done for
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generations. It must be runningthrough my veins. I can see my facein their faces. I’m inspired by themand really want to make them proud.
RD: But for many today, you’re theonly Barrymore people know.DB: I’m sad that as years go by, we losetouch with our history, but happy be-cause the name is still around.
RD: How does a seven-year-old, yourage in E.T., act? Is it like playing?DB: No, I thought of it as acting. Ataround age two I did a movie in whichI played a little boy. I could under-stand, Okay, you’re not playing a littlegirl. I had to learn lines and hit marks.I think that developed my awareness.By six, I felt much older than six.
Barrymore with co-star Eric Bana inLucky You (above) and as Gertie inE.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (at left).
MERIE W. WALLACE/SMPSP/WARNER BROS. P ICTURES
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RD: In Lucky You, you play a charac-ter who’s very different from the bubbly, youthful roles we’ve come toknow you in. What attracted you tothis part?DB: When I was considering this film,I wanted to make different choices. Ifelt like the dark was something that Ihadn’t explored in my work enough.
RD: A lot of actors say that comedy isharder to do than drama. DB: They’re both hard. Maybe thedrama is newer to me, so I’m more ex-cited by it, and I feel eager to under-stand what the process is. But as muchas I want to explore darkness, it re-ally is the light that guides me.
RD: Let’s shift gears and talk abouteating and weight, because Americansseem obsessed with it. How did youdrop and keep off 20 pounds?DB: Well, I fluctuate. I can’t live thedeprived lifestyle. If I want to eat andnot exercise, I’m going to embrace it.But the minute I start to feel bad, Iknow exactly what to do. Portions areeverything.
RD: What about exercise? DB: I’m a runner and do some yoga,but I can’t do a lot of yoga ’cause I’mbetter bottled up. I have work. I havea great place to put all the emotions,and I’m better served with them com-ing out there.
RD: You’ve said that you feel you havea void to fill and a fear to face. Whatis the fear?
DB: The fear is of people thinking thatI’m only capable of doing my job to acertain degree, that I cannot pass thatline in skill. I think my other fear isthat I don’t really know what life is allabout, because I haven’t become a par-ent yet. I want to have a family andsee the world, but I’ve always beencautious to not have kids before I’mready. I’ve raced through everything inlife. I somehow knew, Don’t have kidsbefore you’re ready.
RD: Do you think your hesitation hasto do with having had such a chal-lenging childhood?DB: Sure. I want to be safe and stablefor my children.
RD: Tell us about meeting Fabrizio.DB: I just love the Strokes. They endedup playing a show a couple hours fromwhere I live. I called their manager,said, “I’m sure everyone’s calling, butcan I stand by the side of the stageand watch?”
RD: Fabrizio is the drummer. Usuallywomen fall for the guitarist or the leadsinger.DB: I met him, and he was the mostlethal combination. He was handsomeand kind and smart and funny.Chemistry is everything, but chem-istry can evolve, and I don’t think it’sthe best foundation for a relationship.I think brains and creativity and in-telligence and aspirations and poeticromanticism are far more lasting. Soit was when I got to know him that Irealized I really liked him.
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RD: Did he feel the same way?DB: I think I caught him off guard’cause I’m just a person who knowswhat she wants. I don’t think that lifehappens by sitting back and waiting.People hold their cards so tight to theirchest. Life is short. Tell people youlove them. What’s the worst that’sgoing to happen?
RD: You were estranged from your fa-ther for years, and he died recently.Why was it important for you to re-unite before he departed?DB: I didn’t deny him in my life, say,“You can’t be in it.” He was the personwho said, “I can’t be a father.” I’m surethere was a little girl in me that wasdisappointed that he wasn’t there. I’dalways thought that I’d want an apol-ogy from him for not being a dad. Butwhen he was dying, I found myselfsaying, “I’m sorry if your life wasn’teverything you wanted it to be, and Ilove you.”
I fear going into the next form withbad energy. We’ve got to let it go, trans-form it and make it good.
RD: Did you ever get the apology thatyou yearned for?
DB: He did apologize. I was like, I don’teven need it anymore, but thank you.
RD: How are your relations with yourmom these days?DB: She and I are in really good com-munication. My dad passing was instrumental in us getting back ontrack. You only have so much time.We needed to take a break—time-outsare so healthy—but we have a func-tioning relationship that works for usright now.
RD: A few years ago, your housecaught fire and burned to the groundas you slept. You said that experiencechanged your life. How?DB: If something like that doesn’tchange your life, you must be crazy.But what’s interesting is that stabilitydoesn’t come from anything material.You’re a bird and can fly to the nextnest. If your friends are still circlingaround it, perfect. I didn’t lose any-thing that really changed my life in abad way. My dogs, my friends, the peo-ple I love—that’s all intact. And youcan always rebuild. You can alwayspick up and start over.
Listen to Drew at rd.com/drew.
T R A S H C O L L E C T O R S
Barry Manilow admits that there arecertain things about his past he’dlike to forget, like his “Copacabana”jacket. “It was this ridiculouslyhuge, ruffled Desi Arnaz, ‘Babaloo’thing. We sent it to the Smithsonian.And they sent it back.” The New York Times
ant to hear agood lawyerjoke? Ask alawyer. Theyhave a millionof ’em. Samegoes for doc-tors and poli-
ticians. Maybe it’s because they’re sooften on the receiving end, but what-ever the reason, it’s a fact—the peo-ple who know the best stereotypejokes are the targets themselves.
LawyerSnake, Shark, Wolf … Is the zoo ex-
panding? No, it’s the new law firmaround the corner. Yep, it’s easy to
ILLUSTRATED BY MARC ROSENTHAL
give lawyers a hard time … until weneed one.
Do you know why they’re nowusing lawyers instead of rats for sci-entific experiments? Because 1. Thereare many more lawyers than there are rats; 2. There is no danger of form-ing any attachment to the lawyers; 3. There are certain things that evenrats won’t do. ALAN DERSHOWITZ ,
Harvard law professor, legal commentator and analyst
The other day, it was so cold in Chi-cago, a lawyer was actually spottedwith his hands in his own pockets.
JEFFREY W. STEINBERGER,TV legal commentator and analyst
Did you hear about the post office
W... the one about the doctor, the lawyer,the politician, the blonde? Here, they tell us their favorite jokes.
Hear...DidYou
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canceling its commemorative stamphonoring lawyers? It seems peoplewere confused—they didn’t knowwhich side to spit on.
MARC GALANTER, Professor emeritus of law at University of Wisconsin-Madison, and author of Lowering
the Bar: Lawyer Jokes and Legal Culture
BlondeNatural towheads insist that dumb
blonde jokes are the hair-brainchildof jealous brunettes and redheads.
A ventriloquist is doing a gig withhis dummy on his lap. He’s telling adumb blonde joke when a youngwoman jumps to her feet.
“What gives you the right to stereo-type blondes that way?” she asks.“What does hair color have to do withmy worth as a human being? Youshould be ashamed of yourself!”
Flustered, the ventriloquist beginsto stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this, mister!” sheyells. “I’m talking to that little jerk onyour knee!” CADY HUFFMAN, Tony Award-
winning actress for her role as the blonde bombshell Ulla in The Producers
Q: How can you tell when a blondehas been using a computer?A: There’s Wite-Out all over the screen.
IVANKA TRUMP, Model and real estate mogul
Priest, Rabbi, MinisterThere’s a reason these three men of
the cloth hang out together—theyhave the best gossip!
A priest, a rabbi and a minister arein a boat out in the middle of a lake.The priest says, “I’m thirsty. I’m goingto get something to drink.” So he stepsout of the boat, walks across the waterto shore, gets a soda, walks backacross the water and gets back in theboat.
The minister says, “I’m thirsty too.”So he walks across the water to shore,gets a soda and walks back to the boat.
The rabbi says, “My turn.” He getsout of the boat and immediately sinks.
The priest turns to the minister.“Think we should’ve told him wherethe rocks were?” FATHER BRYCE SIBLEY,
St. Joseph Catholic Church, Parks, Louisiana
A priest, a rabbi and a minister de-cide to see who’s best at his job. Sothey each go into the woods, find a
bear and attempt to convert it.Later they get together.
The priest begins.“When I found the bear, Iread to him from the Catechism and sprinkledhim with holy water.Next week is his First
Communion.”“I found a bear by the
stream,” says the minister, “andpreached God’s holy word. The bearwas so mesmerized that he let me bap-tize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi,
Q: What do you call ablonde withhalf a brain?A: Gifted.
IVANKA TRUMP,Model and real estate mogul
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who is wrapped in a body cast. “Look-ing back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’thave started with the circumcision.”
RABBI SANDFORD KOPNICK, The Valley Temple, Cincinnati, Ohio
DoctorIt’s no secret—many doctors have
a God complex. But surgeons insistwe’re wrong. It’s God who has a doc-tor complex.
A mechanic was removing a cylin-der head from the motor of a Harleywhen he spotted a world-famous heartsurgeon in his shop. The mechanicshouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc,look at this engine. I can open it up,take the valves out, fix ’em, put in newparts, and when I finish, this will workjust like new. So how come I get a pit-tance and you get the really big moneywhen we do basically the same work?”
The surgeon leaned over and whis-pered to the mechanic, “Try doing itwhile the engine is running.”
DOUG FARRAGO, MD, Family practitioner, Auburn, Maine, and editor of the medical
humor magazine Placebo Journal
“Doctor, please help me,” says anelderly patient. “I have silent passageof gas every morning. I have silentpassage of gas every afternoon, and
I suffer from silent passage of gas in the evening. Some-
times I have silent passageof gas at unpredictabletimes, for instance justnow. Doctor, can youhelp me?”
The doctor responds,“Sure, I can help you. But
first you need your hearingchecked.” MEHMET OZ, MD, Director
of the Cardiovascular Institute at Columbia University Medical Center;
co-author of You: The Owner’s Manual
PoliticianFormer Senator Alan Simpson does
not blame politicians for a dearth ofupstanding Congressmen. “About 15percent of Americans are screwballs,lightweights and boobs,” he says. “Andyou don’t want people like that notrepresented in Congress.”
Michelangelo and a politician ar-rive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter pro-claims, “He’s here! He’s here!” andushers the politician inside as trum-pets sound and angels sing.
As Michelangelo follows, the gatesslam in his face. Shaken, he knocks.St. Peter appears.
“I don’t understand,” Michelangelosays. “I have served God all my lifethrough my work, and I arrive hereand am completely ignored in themidst of the tremendous welcome for,of all people, a politician!”
A priest, a rabbiand a ministerwalk into a bar.The bartenderlooks up andsays, “What isthis, a joke?”
MARIO SMITH, Baptist minister, Blackfoot, Idaho, and winner of RD’s 2006
Tell Us a Joke Contest
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT . . .
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“I’m sorry,” says St. Peter. “We havemany artists and religious people inheaven. But this is our first politician!”
SENATOR OLYMPIA SNOWE (R-Maine)
Traveling SalesmanYes, they still exist, and the best
of the bunch could sell bifocals to Stevie Wonder, a bikini to Queen Elizabeth and sunblock to GeorgeHamilton.
A drunk walks into a bar, climbsatop a barstool and screams, “All trav-eling salesmen are pushy jerks!”
A man stands up and yells, “I resentthat remark.”
The drunk shouts back, “Why, areyou a traveling salesman?”
“No,” says the man, “I’m a pushyjerk!” MICHAEL GOODMAN, Executive director,
National Association of Sales Professionals
Corporate ExecutiveIt’s not true that most bosses lack
a heart. It’s just that they keep themlocked up for safekeeping.
A secretary, an assistant and theirboss are walking to lunch when theyfind an antique oil lamp. They rub itand a genie appears to grant themeach one wish.
The secretary says, “I want to be inthe Bahamas, driving a speedboat,without a care in the world.” Poof!She’s gone.
“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing onthe beach with my personal masseuse,an endless supply of piña coladas andthe love of my life,” says the assistant.
And poof! Just like that, he’s gone. “You’re next,” the genie says to
the boss. He says, “I want those twoback in the office right after lunch.”
ANDY LEWIS,Executive vice president and general
manager, Warner Bros. Animation
MilitaryEven a chestful of medals can’t
protect against the sharpest jabs.Former Secretary of Defense MelvinLaird told us of the time HenryKissinger’s limo hit a deer and afarmer came to his rescue. Once inside his pickup, the former Secre-tary of State introduced himself, “I’m Dr. Henry Kissinger.” Impressed,the farmer asked, “Oh, do you workat the clinic?”
The company commander and thefirst sergeant were asleep in the field.The first sergeant woke up in the mid-dle of the night and said, “Sir, look upand tell me what you see.”
The CO, still sleepy, said, “I see mil-lions of stars.”
First sergeant: “And what exactlydoes that tell you, sir?”
“Astronomically, it tells me thatthere are millions of galaxies and po-tentially billions of planets,” he an-swered. “Theologically, it tells me thatGod is great and we are small and in-significant. Meteorologically, it tellsme that we will have a beautiful daytomorrow. What does it tell you?”
First sergeant: “Well, sir, it tells methat somebody stole our tent.”
LT. COL. RODNEY D. EDGE,Deputy director, executive communications and control,
Office of the Chief of Staff of the Army
In the beginning, therewas … the light bulb joke.It’s the quintessentialstereotype gag, makingteasing somebody as easyas filling in the blanks:How many (members of ademographic group) doesit take to screw in a lightbulb? (#). One to hold thelight bulb and (# minusone) to behave in a fashionassociated with a negativestereotype of that group.
Voilà, you’re hilarious!It started in the ’70s—
the last time it required asecond mortgage to fill upyour gas tank. Translation:When times get tough, westart picking on eachother, says Joe Boskin, author of RebelliousLaughter: People’s Humorin American Culture.
The Germans were firstto fire, taking aim at theintellectual prowess of
their Polish friends. Howmany Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?Three—one to hold thebulb and two to turn theladder. Ha!
A 0.59-second Googlesearch found 162,000sites featuring at least onejoke each. Blondes reallyget picked on (One—sheholds the light bulb andthe world revolves aroundher). KENRYA M. RANKIN
A Bright Idea
1. Four. One to change it and three to deny the change.
2. That depends. Does it have health insurance?
3. How many can you afford?
4. None. We contract out for things like that.
5. At the present point in time it is against policy andour strategy’s best interests to divulge information ofthat nature. Next question, please.
a. Politicians
b. Militaryinformation officers
c. Lawyers
d. CEOs
e. Doctors
1. a; 2. e; 3. c; 4. d; 5. b.
Now let’s see if you’re bright enough to match these punch lines with the groups they snap on
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT . . .
117
BartenderWhat’s not to like about bartenders?
They serve you, listen to your gripesand sometimes even tell you when it’stime to go to bed.
After a few too many, the bartendercuts off a customer. The drunk slinksoff his stool and stumbles out the door.
A minute later, he stumbles back inthrough a side door and slurs, “Bar-tender, pour me a drink.”
“Joe!” yells the bartender. “I eighty-sixed you!”
Joe again staggers out the frontdoor, only to re-enter moments laterthrough the side door.
“Bartender, pour me a drink.”“Get outta here!” Again, out the front door and back
in the side door. “Bartender …”“Joe!”“Hey,” says Joe indignantly, “how
many bars do you work at?”BILL BADE, Owner, The Midwest Bartender’s School
For even more hilarious jokes and toshare your own, go to rd.com/morejokes.
ADAM WEISS/CORBIS OUTLINE
From the moment Conan O’Brien walks onto the set of his late-night talk show, it’s clear he’s a geek. Never mind the imposingfigure and expensively cut suit; this guy is emphatically uncool.He is 6 feet 4 inches and does two-footed pirouettes in shinyblack shoes. He jumps in the air with legs folded and lands ina knees-tight-together squat, like a guy who’s studied a few toomany KISS videos. He pauses dramatically to smooth out hiseyebrows. And he’s no less goofy when he settles into his seat.
“When I’m doing interviews, I get up on the desk,” O’Briensays. “I growl. I hiss. I spin around in my chair. I’m not sayingany of this is good; it’s just what it is. And it’s the kind of thingI was doing when I was eight years old—refined and refinedand refined.” He pauses a beat. “If you could call it refined.”
M A R G O T D O U G H E R T Y
HumorMe
When it comes to being funny, Conan O’Brien can’t help himself
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Whatever it’s called, it’s working.Plucked out of near-total obscurity in 1993 to take over NBC’s Late Nightfranchise when David Lettermanmoved to CBS, O’Brien and his blendof skits, improv, jokes and chat nowattract some 2.5 million nightly viewers in more than 40countries (including Fin-land; more about thatlater). That number willsurely swell in 2009,when O’Brien replacesJay Leno as host of TheTonight Show and awider audience learnswhat his fans alreadyknow—that this uncoolgeek is a brilliant uncoolgeek. He can plumb thedepths of puerile humorand pull out a gag that,adolescent at heart, isburnished by a keen,slightly twisted intelligence, makingit much funnier than it has any rightto be. O’Brien’s genius lies in the insu-lating layer between the joke itself andhis obvious awareness of just howsilly—or plain bad—it is. The funnybusiness all began at the family din-ner table.
“We’d all see who could make our parents laugh the hardest,” re-calls O’Brien, 43, who grew up in Brookline, Massachusetts, one of six children. His father was a doctor; hismother, a lawyer. “When I’d get going,I could get pretty far out there.”
It probably helped that one of his favorite childhood pastimes was
watching Marx Brothers movies, SidCaesar and Johnny Carson with his dad. Yankee Doodle Dandy, the1942 film starring James Cagney, setO’Brien on the show biz path. “Cagneywas a tap dancer, and I thought, Well,you need to know that,” he says. He
took tap classes for a fewyears until a growthspurt killed his enthusi-asm. He gave up theshoes, but not his wit.When he arrived at Har-vard, O’Brien quicklylanded a spot on theHarvard Lampoon—abreeding ground forgenerations of comedywriters. It was there, heexplains, that he learned“comedy could be takenseriously.”
He went on to studywith the Groundlings
improvisational comedy troupe in LosAngeles, then to writing gigs on TheSimpsons and Saturday Night Live. Buthe was still searching for his niche.“I’d watch David Letterman and think,I’d like to do what he’s doing; thereare some skits, you get to improvisewith guests, tell some jokes,” O’Briensays. “But I’d do it differently. My showwould have puppets and robots, andI’d be singing and dancing.”
It was legendary SNL creator LorneMichaels who recommended him asLetterman’s replacement. Early re-views for Late Night With ConanO’Brien were scathing; ratings werelow. NBC canceled the show, but with
O’Brien’s hair is among his chief
attributes: “It’s pretty much
taken over the show.
It has separate representation.It has better
publicity than I do.”
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no ready replacement, O’Brien andcompany were allowed to limp along.Eventually, they found their rhythm—and audience. These days, guestsrange from pop-culture icons (BruceSpringsteen, U2) to unlikely visitors,such as Tarja Halonen, the presidentof Finland. O’Brien’s uncanny resem-blance to her—starting with his Irishsetter mop—is a running Late Nightjoke and prompted the show to travelto Finland, where O’Brien was greetedlike a rock star and had a sit-downwith Halonen.
Beyond the Halonen bit, O’Brien ac-knowledges that his hair is among hischief attributes. “It’s pretty muchtaken over the show,” he says. “It hasseparate representation. It has betterpublicity than I do.”
For years, packed schedules and ca-reer demands had O’Brien convincedhe didn’t have time for a family.
“Being a performer is narcissistic,”he says. “Being a performer with yourown television show with your namein the title and your own theme song
is the height of narcissism. I worried,I pour everything I have into thisshow—how could I have a family? Butthen I thought, Test pilots have fami-lies. Heart surgeons have families. Nu-clear physicists and Presidents of theUnited States have families. Get overyourself.”
He met his wife, Liza Powel, a for-mer advertising executive, while film-ing a sketch for Late Night on locationin 2000. The couple have a daughter,Neve, who is two, and a son, Beckett,who will turn one soon.
“My son laughs at me, but he’d alsolaugh at a radiator,” O’Brien says. “Theother day I was making faces at mydaughter and she said, ‘Daddy, don’t besilly. This isn’t work!’ She doesn’t re-alize that I can’t help it. My wife says,‘God help us the day you don’t have aTV show.’ ”
With The Tonight Show and its big-ger spotlight looming, she needn’tworry for the foreseeable future.Those who enjoy his manic, brainycomedy needn’t worry either.
PA S S I O N F R U I TS
Comic Brian Kelly says his parents were thrilled that hissister was dating the captain of the chess team. “They fig-ured that any guy who took hours to make a move wasokay with them,” he says.
It was when her friends hired a male stripper for her birth-day that comedian Mary Pfeiffer knew things had changed.“This guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, ‘Whatare you thinking, baby?’ ” she said. “I’m thinking I’ve beenmarried too long, because I said, ‘You’re going to pick upafter yourself, aren’t you?’ ”
ILLUSTRATED BY JOHN CUNEO
I gulped for air like a wide-mouthbass on a hook. Then I headed towardthe stage. It was showtime!
When I first walked into the ComicStrip eight weeks earlier, I was a care-free man, there to take a few comedyclasses. Sounds like fun, right? Overthe years, I’ve been considered apretty funny guy. So with a little per-suading, I decided to try telling jokesto an actual audience, rather than acaptive group of friends and family. Iquickly realized that saying “funny”things to people who already like youis far different from saying them tostrangers—especially ones who havejust paid a cover charge. Could I makethem laugh without having to resort tofalling down a flight of stairs? Moreto the point—did I have the guts?
My classmates were an eclectic
t’s not too intimidating for anaspiring performer to wait histurn for the stage at The ComicStrip Live, the renowned com-edy club in New York City. The walls are plastered withphotos of previous acts, guysnamed Carlin, Rock, Sandler,
Chappelle. Jerry Seinfeld’s scorecardwhen he auditioned for a spot is upthere too. He passed.
As I imagined my picture up on thewall, a thought crossed my mind: AmI nuts!?! What am I doing trying to follow these guys? My eyes dartedtoward the front door. There was stilltime for me to run screaming from theclub. Then I heard it, my intro fromthe emcee, a stranger to my act:“Ladies and gentlemen, put yourhands together and welcome a veryfunny man, Andy Simmons!”
INo Joke
A reluctant comic discovers firsthand that doing stand-up is...
B Y A N D Y S I M M O N S
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group. There was Glen, a social workerand Orthodox Jew; Andrew, a formerMarine who saw action in Somaliaduring the Black Hawk Down days;Christopher, a gay Mormon whohoned his humor chops playing therole of peacemaker in his family; andMike, who is deaf, and has cerebralpalsy and a speech impediment.
Our teacher was D. F. Sweedler, aveteran comic who hasappeared on Letterman.He told us that over thenext two months wewould create a five-minute act, which wouldculminate in a perfor-mance onstage before anaudience.
“Where do we find ourideas?” someone asked.
Everyday life is fodder,he told us. Family, rela-tionships, fears. “Any-thing you would tell a psychiatrist.Anger is always a good source. Even if it’s petty, make mountains out ofmolehills.”
This worked for me. What I lackedin talent, I more than made up for inanger. My problem might be quantityover quality.
Working with my anger, I wrote arebuke of an outrageously expensiverestaurant I’d just gone to. Here’s achoice snippet:
“Rule No. 1: If a restaurant has asommelier, you can’t afford it. Aftermy meal I realized that if a restaurantserves food on a plate rather than inStyrofoam, I can’t afford that either.
The restaurant is a converted barn. Sowhen our stable boy hitched us up toour trough. …”
“What are you talking about?” D. in-terrupted during the second class. “Noone knows what a sommelier is.”
“A sommelier is ...”“Yeah, I know what a sommelier is.
But no one else does. And if this is anice restaurant, why are you hitched
to a trough?”“Because it’s funny?”The following came at
me as if shot from a Gat-ling gun: “Too detailed ...overwritten ... not clearwhat’s going on ... too fast … not funny ... no ...throw out ...”
“It’s all about the joke,”D. implored. “Get in andget out. Whatever youdon’t need, cut. Reworkthis bit. Try making it
more relatable.”
“We’re not still at the restaurant, arewe?” D. asked when I took the stagethe next class.
“I’m afraid so,” I said. Poor D. I could see his spirit leave the room.
The previous week I’d gotten rid ofany mention of sommeliers and feed-ing troughs. Instead, I worked on mak-ing the skit relatable. So I opened with“Who here eats food?” Silence.
I soldiered on. I’d given my expen-sive restaurant a name: Le SecondMortgage. I then went on to say, “I or-dered the octopus. Or to quote themenu, ‘An inkling of octopus served
“I’m so big,when I lie on
the beach,people try
to push me back
in theocean.”
—Andrew
with a rumor of shiitake mushroom,bathed in a notion of seaweed and asuspicion of asparagus.’ In otherwords, I ordered an empty plate.’ ”
This class went better than the first.“Le Second Mortgage” was a keeper,the octopus gag was chum.
D. found another problem. “What’swith your delivery?” he asked. “Yousound like Alan King.”
He was right! I had an old-timeyway of telling jokes, like some vaude-villian opening for a trained seal act.D. wanted me to be myself. One prob-lem—I didn’t know what that was.
So I went home to practice my ma-terial in front of a mirror. Maybe I’dfind myself there.
“A pal of mine got pulled over forDUI,” I said to my appreciative audi-ence. “Yeah, he’s a multitasker. He candrink, drive and crash all at the sametime.”
Working in front of a mirror didn’thelp. All I could think was, I haveGrandpa’s nose hairs! I spent the next15 minutes trimming nose hairs beforephoning Eddie Brill. If I wanted to bea comic, I needed to know what all thegreat ones had in common. Eddie—
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NO JOKE
Once upon a time therewere three rabbits namedFoot, Foot Foot, and FootFoot Foot ... That’s thestart of the joke that wontop honors at our third annual Tell Us a Joke Con-test, told in inimitable styleby Mario Smith of Black-foot, Idaho.
Mario is a Baptist minister and treatment coordinator for the IdahoDepartment of Health andWelfare. He and his wife,Bonny, perform in an act-ing troupe, the BlackfootCommunity Players. Sincehis win, Mario has receivedmore offers to tell his jokesand stories onstage!
Tough competition camefrom our other finalists—
Jeanne Corcoran of LasVegas; Justin Ezzi of Wilm-ington, California; ThuHuynh of Vancouver, Wash-ington; and Anise Morris ofBirmingham, Alabama. Allfive competed at New YorkCity's famed Gotham Com-edy Club on March 21.
Eddie Brill, who scoutstalent for David Letterman,was the evening’s emcee.
Funnyman Mario Smith
Comedians Bill Burr, Caroline Rhea and JimGaffigan kept the crowdlaughing. The star-studdedevent, Stand Up for theChildren, was a fund-raiserfor St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.
Think you’refunny? You couldbe our next winner!Go to rd.com/jokeline nowto hear the rest of Mario’shilarious joke and to seehighlights from the show.Plus, find out how to enterour next contest. Make uslaugh, and you and a guestcould win a trip to NewYork City, plus $$$—justfor telling us a joke!
RD’s 2006 Tell Us a Joke Contest Winner
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the guy who warms up Letterman’saudience—was the man to tell me.
“There are three things greatcomics share,” he said. “They’re hon-est, vulnerable, and they’re not look-ing for approval.”
I had the vulnerability part downin spades. As for honesty, to para-phrase George Burns, I can fake that.
“But what about the audience?” Iwhined. “I crave theirapproval.”
“If you have fun,they’ll have fun,” Eddiesaid. “And if they talkduring your set, do whatI do. Lean over and say,‘Don’t you hate it whenyou come here for a chatand they build a comedyclub around you?’ ”
My classmates and Iwatched anxiously as theclub filled up. Earlier, D. had warnedme against overly high expectations.“Don’t expect to kill,” he said, usingcomedyspeak for doing boffo. “I’ll behappy if you go up there, don’t trip,don’t forget the material and get evenone laugh.” Frankly, I’d set loftier goalsfor myself than not tripping.
Andrew was up first and immedi-ately forgot half his act. But he turnedthat into his act and the audience ateit up. Mike followed, and the audiencereacted warmly. Then it was my turn.
Hearing my name, I waded throughthe room, where I passed an oldfriend. He smiled and gave me athumbs-up. I climbed onto the stage.
The crowd seemed friendly enough, atleast those who were paying attention(What was it Eddie told me to say?).“You know,” I sputtered, “you reallyhave to be a people person to be abathroom attendant.” For some rea-son they found that funny.
What they didn’t find funny was the riff about drinking wine at myexpensive restaurant: “The wine was
just pressed. It was sofresh you could still tastethe feet.” And by the timeI’d tossed in a line aboutillegal aliens, the audi-ence had transformed into a roomful of EdvardMunch models, theirsilent screams begging forsomeone to give me thehook.
As I left the stage topolite applause, my friendhanded me a drink.
“Drown your sorrows,” he said.Here’s the checklist: I didn’t blow
my lines, not most of them, anyway. Ididn’t sound like Alan King. I didn’tfidget, flop-sweat or sob for mymother. I got through it. But I didn’tkill. I know D. said not to worry aboutit, but let’s face it, “killing” is why wetook this class.
The fact is, there are some peoplewho belong onstage. Andrew’s a nat-ural, Mike’s charming, Christopher’sfunny and Glen’s love for the stage isinfectious. For the rest of us, there’sa seat in the audience. And that ain’ta bad place to be. After all, there aresome funny people out there. ■
“I’m deaf,have cerebral
palsy and a speech
impediment.What a
week I’mhaving!”
—Mike
his story happened in1979 while I was onstage at Catch aRising Star in New
York City. With itsbare floors, hard walls
and poor air condition-ing, almost any sound
became a distraction at Catch. Theonly noise comedians tolerated wasthe urgent pleading of a fellow comicas he tried convincing a waitress togo home with him.
Five minutes into my set, I heard aguy in the audience talking loudly, try-ing to entertain the other people athis table. I never understood why peo-ple go to comedy clubs and try to befunnier than the comedian. In my 50-plus years, I don’t think I ever hearda loud talker say anything helpful.
When someone in the audiencetalked during my act, my solution wasto stop talking, a technique I learnedfrom my schoolteachers. So I just
ILLUSTRATED BY JOHN CUNEO 127
stopped talking. The rest of the roomfollowed my lead and looked at thedisturbance. A normal person usuallygot very uncomfortable at becomingthe center of attention and stoppedtalking. It didn’t work that night.
So I stopped waiting for the guy toshut up and went on with my act.Then a drink glass, one of those thick16-ounce tumblers, whizzed past myhead and shattered against the brickwall behind me. It was like one ofthose western movies where the guythrows a bottle at the mirror behindthe bar and shatters all the glass.Everybody froze and just watched the
What TheyDon’t TeachYou at ComedySchool
B Y J E R R Y S E I N F E L D FROM “I KILLED”
COMPILED BY RITCH SHYDNER AND MARK SCHIFF
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RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
two of us. Actually more people hadtheir eyes on him than on me, sincehe was a proven lunatic.
When someone throws a glass atyour head, they can’t even lie about itafterward. What can they say, “Theseglasses sure are slippery”? At least atJewish weddings, the groom steps onthe glass, rather than throws it at 50miles an hour at the rabbi’s head.
I froze onstage, not out of fear, butfrom anger. That was stupid, becauseregardless of my mood, lots of motionwould have been a better strategy tocope with my transition from come-dian to target. For a long minute I justheld the stage, looking forward to see-ing this guy tossed out of the club.
About a minute later, the emceecame up on the stage and said, “Jerry,come on, let’s go! You gotta get off.”
I said, “Me? I’m not going anywhere!Why do I have to get off?”
The audience got into it. “Throwthat guy out!” they said. “Not Jerry!”
The dispute went back and forth,but the emcee was adamant. He said,“Come on, Jerry! Get off the stage!”This was quite a change from “Howabout a hand for Jerry Seinfeld, folks?”
Maybe it was the absolute fear inthe emcee’s eyes and the panicked
cracking of his voice that finally con-vinced me to get off the stage. Any-way, there certainly was no way I wasgetting the act back on track, so I justshrugged and walked off.
The audience was still applaudingfor me while the club’s bouncer andbartender hustled me out of the cluband around the block.
I said, “What the hell is going onhere? This guy throws a glass and Iget thrown out! If he throws a table,does he get to manage the club?”
It was then explained to me that theglass thrower was a gangster, a hit manfor the mob. Nobody wanted to throwhim out, so I had to go.
A few months later, Joe Piscopodealt with the same guy from the stage.The thug grabbed Joe and broke hisnose. A few hours later Joe returnedfrom the hospital with his face all ban-daged up, only to find this mobster stillsitting in his seat enjoying the show.
I went on to have aTV show. Joe starredon Saturday NightLive. Obviously, thisguy had an eye fortalent.
COPYRIGHT © 2006 BY JERRY SEINFELD. FROM “I KILLED: TRUE STORIES OF THE ROAD FROM AMERICA’S TOP COMICS,” BY RITCH SHYDNER AND MARK SCHIFF, TO BE PUBLISHED AT $23.95 BY CROWN BOOKS,
1745 BROADWAY, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10019
To buy the book I Killed, visitrd.com/seinfeld.
W E L L , T H AT ’ S A STA RT
Sign spotted at an Oregon gas station:
“Free Apology With Fill Up.”WILLIAM DEGRAF
This writer-director can’t read the fine print—and
still can’t find her glassesB Y N O R A E P H R O N
FROM “I FEEL BAD ABOUT MY NECK”
SightOut of
ELENA SEIBERT 131
can’t read a word on themap. I know we’reon Route 110
heading north, be-cause we just drove pasta large sign that said so.Now we seem to be in
Fort Salonga. I’m sure FortSalonga is on the map,
but I can’t find my reading glasses, soI can’t read the map.
One of the nicest things about beingable to read a map, which I used to be able to do without reading glasses,is that you’re never really lost if youcan find yourself on a map. But thosedays are over; we’re lost.
We hate being lost. I hate being lost,my husband hates being lost, and ourmarriage hates being lost. On theother hand, I have to admit, we’re get-ting used to it. And because it’s myfault (and not my husband’s) that Ican’t find my reading glasses, althoughit’s his fault (and not mine) that there’sno magnifying glass in the glove com-partment, I say mellow things like,“Well, at least we’re headed in theright direction.”
My husband says mellow things,too, like, “Well, we’ve never come thisway before, so it might be interest-ing.” And he’s right. It might be inter-esting. Except that it’s very darkoutside, and the only thing I can seeclearly is a sign that says we’re onRoute 110 heading north toward FortSalonga. Wherever that is.
I can’t read a word in the telephonebook. When I was a young newspa-
per reporter, I always began by look-ing in the telephone book. You’d beamazed at how many people wereright there, listed, waiting to be found.Years later, I tried to convey this tomy children, but they ignored me. Itdrove me crazy. My children thoughtthat calling Directory Assistance wasfree, and then they always pressed thenumber one to be connected, for anadditional charge of 35 cents, whichdrove me even crazier.
Now that I can’t read the fine printin the telephone book, I’m forced tocall Directory Assistance. I speak toa recording. I miss my relationshipwith the telephone book. I miss whatit stood for. Self-sufficiency. Democ-racy. The belief that you could findwhat you were looking for in a placethat everyone in the world had accessto. Just thinking about the phone bookmakes me misty about a world whereeveryone—or nearly everyone—wasin the book, and what’s more, I couldfind them without the assistance of adisembodied recording that doesn’tunderstand a word I’m saying.
I can’t read a word on the menu. Ican’t read a word in the weekly tele-vision listings. I can’t read a word inthe cookbook. I can’t do the puzzle. Ican’t read a word in anything at allunless it’s written in extremely largetype, the larger the better. The otherday, on the computer, I pulled upsomething I wrote three years ago,and it was written in type so small Ican’t imagine how I wrote the thingin the first place. I used to write in 12-point type; now I am up to 16 and
I
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
thinking about going to 18 or even 20.I’m extremely sad about all this.
Mostly I’m sad about just plain read-ing. When I pass a bookshelf, I’m usedto picking a book out of it and thumb-ing through it. When I see a newspa-per on the couch, I’m used to sittingdown with it. When the mail arrives,I like to rip it open. Reading is one ofthe main things I do.
Reading is everything. Reading makes me feel I’ve accom-
plished something, learned something,become a better person. Readingmakes me smarter. Reading gives mesomething to talk about later on. Read-ing is the unbelievably healthy way myattention deficit disorder medicatesitself. Reading is escape, and the op-posite of escape. It’s a way to makecontact with reality after a day of mak-ing things up, and it’s a way of makingcontact with someone else’s imagina-tion after a day that’s all too real. Read-ing is great. Reading is bliss.
But my ability to pick somethingup and read it—which has gone un-checked all my life up until now—isentirely dependent on the where-
abouts of my reading glasses. I lookaround. Why aren’t they in this room?I bought six pairs of them last weekon sale and sprinkled them through-out the house, yet none of them is vis-ible. Where are they?
I hate that I need reading glasses. Ihate that I can’t read a word on themap, in the telephone book, on themenu, in the book, or anywhere elsewithout them. And the pill bottle! Iforgot to mention the pill bottle. I can’tread a word on the pill bottle. Does itsay “Take two every four hours” or“Take four every two hours”? Does itsay “Good until 12/08/07” or “Expired.Period. End of Story”?
I have no idea, and this is serious.I could die from not being able to readthe print on the pill bottle. In fact, theprint on the pill bottle is so small, Idoubt if anyone can readit. I’m not sure I couldread it even when Ididn’t need readingglasses. Although, whocan remember?
“I FEEL BAD ABOUT MY NECK,” COPYRIGHT © 2006 BY NORA EPHRON, IS PUBLISHED AT $19.95 BY ALFRED A. KNOPF, A DIVISION OF RANDOM HOUSE, INC., 1745 BROADWAY, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10019
YO U C A L L I N ’ M E A C LO W N ?
Billy Crystal wants everyone to know there is a hugedifference between a class clown and a comedian. “The class clown was the guy at graduation who walkedout to get his diploma, would hike up his gown, moonhis parents and run off the stage,” he told Time maga-zine. Crystal, on the other hand, was a comedian.
“I was the guy who talked him into doing it.”
To buy the book I Feel Bad About MyNeck, go to rd.com/ephron.
Dumbest
ILLUSTRATED BY TIM BOWER 133
Expired With a LicenseSome people would rather die than
pay their traffic tickets. Just ask Kim-berly Du.
The 36-year-old resident of DesMoines, Iowa, was scheduled togo to court to face traffic chargeswhen she got a real stroke ofluck. She passed away.
Last December 15, Polk CountyJudge William Price received a let-ter purportedly from Du’s motherwith the sad news that Kimberlyhad died ten days earlier in a car acci-dent. Proof was included in the enve-lope: a death notice that appeared to bea printout from the Des Moines Regis-ter website. The very next day, JudgePrice threw the case out.
But it was soon resurrected, as itwere. On January 4, Des Moines police
stopped a woman and cited her forspeeding and driving with a sus-pended license. Turns out the driverwas none other than the deceasedKimberly Du.
Either fraud had been committedagainst the court or it was time to call
America’s
A lineup of bumbling crooks whopractically caught themselvesB Y W I L L I A M B E A M A N
Criminals
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
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Ghostbusters. Right away, the PolkCounty Attorney’s office got to thebottom of things, discovering thatthe Des Moines Register had neverpublished Du’s obituary and thatthere had been no funeral for the woman. Moreover, Du’smother knew nothing of the letter to the court thatshe had supposedly writ-ten and signed. It was aforgery, and that becamethe charge against Kim-berly Du when she ap-peared, for real, in court inearly March.
What to do with someonewho tries to avoid traffic charges bycommitting forgery instead? Thejudge went easy: a two-year prisonsentence that he suspended; twoyears’ probation; a $500 fine; and treat-ment for substance abuse. But alreadyDu is finding it hard to be back amongthe living. By late April, she had vio-lated the terms of her probation.
No More Free MinutesCops are used to people phoning in
to report a crime. But it’s not everyday that the call comes from the crim-inal himself. That’s just what hap-pened last December in Nevada,according to this account from ClarkCounty police:
Jereme Botiz, 18, and an accomplicedrove up to a Payless shoe store indowntown Las Vegas. After his friendstaked out the place, Botiz rushed in-side, cloaked in a hooded sweatshirt,a blue bandanna covering his face.
Brandishing a pistol, he cracked itagainst the head of a store clerk, send-ing her to the floor. Then, tossing abackpack her way, he ordered the ter-rified woman to fill it with moneyfrom the store’s safe.
Once he had the cash, Botiz racedoutside, where he was nearly hit by awoman searching for a parking spacein the lot. Dodging her vehicle, Botizran to his getaway car and, in seconds,was gone.
He left something behind, though.The woman noticed his discarded cellphone lying on the pavement and,after she finished parking, took it in-side the store.
Police detectives arrived soon after,and were handed the gift of the phone.Just as they were deciding what to donext, the cell phone rang. One of thedetectives answered, and a man’s voicesaid that the phone belonged to a guy
AMER ICA’S DUMBEST CR IMINALS
135
named Jereme, who needed it back.“Who’s this?” the detective asked. Butthe caller hung up.
Minutes later the phone rang again,and the detectives had one of their fe-male colleagues answer. This time, thevoice said he was Jereme and hewanted his phone back. Pretending tobe a ditzy shopaholic, the detectivechatted with him about how she andher boyfriend were at Payless trying tofind a good bargain. Jereme couldn’tresist asking if anything was going onin the parking lot. The detective talkedon about her shopping exploits, untilJereme finally cut her off. “Lady, stopit! I just want my phone back.”
The detective suggested they meetthe next day at a nearby Starbucks andJereme said he’d be there—wearing aTennessee Titans football jersey, sohe’d be easy to recognize.
Sure enough, the next day, policewaiting at the Starbucks saw a manstroll in, wearing a Titans jersey, look-ing a bit nervous. He had reason tobe. Jereme looked up to see his ac-complice being apprehended back atthe car, and he broke into a run. Policecaught up with him within a mile. Histrial is set for October.
Recounting the Botiz incident, ClarkCounty prosecutor Frank Coumoucan’t help but laugh. “After 15 years onthe job,” he says, “I’m still amazed athow stupid these guys can be.”
All Tanked UpOkay, granted, if you’re cruising
around town roaring drunk, it can behard to fake sobriety when the police
nab you. But these two guys didn’teven come close.
In Waupaca, Wisconsin, DanielNordell was waiting at a traffic lightwhen a cop approached his car. Itseems the officer got a pretty goodclue that Nordell wasn’t in his rightmind after noticing the way he was driving along the city street:backward. The transmission’s shot,Nordell explained, and the car willonly go in reverse.
What was harder for Nordell to ex-plain was his obvious intoxication.When the police ran a check, they dis-covered he’d been arrested 12 timesfor drunk driving. You’d think with arecord like that, a guy would be extracareful not to back himself into moretrouble.
Just one month before, a Wiscon-sin cop stopped another driver whogave a pretty good hint he was soused.When a Thiensville police officerpulled over Christopher Kennedy andwalked up to the driver’s window,Kennedy was already fishing in hiswallet—and then tried to hand the of-ficer a credit card. “Do you know whyI stopped you?” the policeman asked.“Speeding?” Kennedy mumbled al-most incoherently. After failing a so-briety test, he was arrested for drivingunder the influence.
So what had gotten the cop’s atten-tion in the first place? Mainly, it wasthat odd bit of hose dangling fromKennedy’s gas tank. After fueling up ata Kwik Trip station, he drove off in ahaze of oblivion—forgetting the hosewas still attached to his car. Oops. ■
Revenge
©THE WB/KWAKU ALSTON136
ou might be a redneckif you had your an-niversary dinner at thefood court in the mall,comedian Jeff Foxwor-thy is fond of saying.And, he might add, ifyour wife celebrates
your birthday with a spaghetti dinnerand four new tires for your truck.
Today, the day after turning 47—and, yes, receiving that spaghetti-dinner-and-tires gift—Foxworthy isworking his way through a barbecuesandwich. It’s the bun that gets himgoing. Is it sesame seed or poppyseed? Speaking in the Southern ver-nacular, he says, “Poppy see’d yousmokin’ last week, and he told you notto do it no more.”
The affable storyteller is still laugh-ing about such linguistic lunacy whena waitress approaches to say somefans at another table would like tomeet him.
“Everybody thinks they know me,”says Foxworthy when he returns froma visit with the group. “It’s never, ‘Excuse me, Mr. Foxworthy,’ which Iwouldn’t want. It’s, ‘Hey, Jeff!’ ”
All that familiarity means the folksystar has had to move to a gated com-munity, since admirers like to poundon his door at midnight to say hello. “Idon’t know what it is about being acomic,” he has said, “but people justwalk up to me. They say, ‘Jeff, you ain’tgonna believe what my momma didthe other day.’ I’m like, ‘Start tellingit, ’cause I’ll use it.’ ”
B Y A L A N N A N A S H
YBlue-collar humorist Jeff Foxworthy
is having the last laugh
Redneck’s
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
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Foxworthy, a Georgia native, ran-kles when referred to as a Southernhumorist. He’s sold 12 million albumsand 10 million DVDs worldwide, witha large concentration of sales in LosAngeles. “I’m a comic with a South-ern accent,” he says. “Nobody callsJerry Seinfeld a Northern comic.” Buthe readily admits he’s a redneck—inhis words, someone with “a gloriouslack of sophistication.”
Bill Engvall, his co-star on the WB’sBlue Collar TV, agrees. “Jeff drives atruck, so I would call him a redneck,”Engvall says, “but he’s a redneck whohit the lottery.”
Foxworthy says that he started outlife “real low middle class,” though his father worked at IBM. The eldest of three, Jeff moved from Decatur,Georgia, to Knoxville, Tennessee, toGreenville, South Carolina, as a child.His parents divorced when he wasnine, and when his mother relocatedthe family back to Georgia, Foxwor-thy discovered that his jokester per-sonality helped ease the transition.On a seventh-grade field trip to Wash-ington, he listened as a chaperon toldthe group never to throw anything outtheir hotel window, then led the classin staging what amounted to a ticker-tape parade of confetti.
“He was the life of the party as farback as I can remember,” explains hisbrother, Jay. A great mimic, Jeff regu-larly launched into imitations ofwhichever adult had just left theroom. “He would do their voice,” Jayrecalls, “and we’d all be cracking upuntil Dad would stick his head in, and
we’d be in trouble for makin’ fun ofGrandma.”
Jeff spent weekdays with hischurch-minded mother and weekendswith a hard-partying father who“drank, smoked, cussed” and marriedsix times. The result: “I can fit in any-where—sit on the back of a pickup ata dove shoot or go to the White Houseand know how to act.”
In college at Georgia Tech, he hadtrouble keeping his grades up, and had big doubts about his future. Theschool eventually asked him to takesome time off, which suited Foxwor-thy fine. If he’d had a tattoo, he jokesnow, it would have said, “Born to baggroceries.” He actually worked at alocal supermarket, then followed hisfather to IBM, where he wore a suitand tie but never rose above an entry-level job.
He wasn’t great at fixing comput-ers, but folks would call with techni-cal problems just to hear him tell jokesand play pranks. He once convincedthe office switchboard operator notto answer the phone, claiming that thetechnician working on the line wouldbe electrocuted if she did. When thephone rang, the operator, afraid thecall would bounce from one recep-tionist to another, took off runningthrough the building shouting, “Don’tanswer the phone! Somebody mightbe electrocuted!”
In 1984, a co-worker suggested Fox-worthy try out at an Atlanta comedyclub called The Punchline. His firstappearance—five minutes on his fa-ther cutting his toenails with bolt cut-
REDNECK’S REVENGE
139
ters—proved propheticin more ways than one.“I found my job and mywife on the same night,”he says, rememberingthe pretty woman namedPamela “Gregg” Grethewho caught his eye.
A few months later,Gregg came to the clubagain. Foxworthy wentover to chat, spilledCoke on her sweater,and knew, after theirnext date, that theywould marry. The twowed in 1985 in NewYork City’s CentralPark. “Our wedding pho-tos are Polaroids of thepreacher, Gregg, me, andour witness, a guy whowas there sweepingthe park.”
Gregg encouraged Foxworthyto see how far he could take hiscomedy, but he didn’t find thenerve to quit his job at IBMuntil the comic Steven Wrightcaught his act and said: “Youshould be doing this for a liv-ing.” He started with out-of-town weekend gigs; Gregg,who’d had a brief career as aTV actress, kept them abovewater by selling milk at a dairy.“She’d work all week, thentake the bus wherever I wasplaying,” Foxworthy recalls. “She’dsit in the club with a notepad writ-ing, ‘This is funny,’ or ‘You need
to do this differently.’ ”In 1989, Foxworthy
made it onto a RodneyDangerfield HBO special,but could not get bookedon The Tonight Show.His wife told him thatthe only way he couldgive his comedy careera real shot was by mov-ing to L.A. So in 1990, heand Gregg pulled up
stakes. His first stop wasThe Comedy & Magic Club in
Hermosa Beach. In Foxworthy’s second week
there, a Tonight Show talent coordinator approached andasked him, “How come youhaven’t done Carson?”
Foxworthy ended up asone of Johnny’s favorites.From the very beginning, he focused on life’s absurdi-ties and people’s crazy fam-ilies. “Everybody’s got one,”
he explains. He hit it bigwith jokes about his sister’sdinnerware—a set of saladbowls that say Cool Whip onthe side.
“When I first told thatone, I knew I was onto
something,” he remem-bers. “People weren’t
just laughing. Theywere pointing toeach other.”
But nothing couldcrack folks up like his one-liners aboutrednecks. (“You might be a redneck
© HBO/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION
People love itwhen he jokes
about his sister’s dinnerware,
a set of saladbowls that sayCool Whip on
the side.
Jeff Foxworthyhappily mineshis redneck rootsfor laughs, andhe’s not the onlycomedian following the old adage “Write what youknow.” Here’s to the joke-sters who aren’t afraid toplay on—and transcend—stereotypes.
Dave Chappelle’s intelli-gent, racially aware humordraws him plenty of com-parisons to Richard Pryor.His fearless sketchesmade the Comedy Centralseries Chappelle’s Showthe best-selling TV showon DVD ever. After a
recent vaca-tion, Chappelle
joked: “I felt veryat home in Africa—
because there was a Mc-Donald’s in the airport.”
George Lopez, star of his own long-running, self-titled ABC sitcom, has blazed a trail forLatino actors and come-dians, finding humor in his heritage—from the“Spanglish” his familyspeaks to his sitcomdaughter’s problems onthe school swim team:“Why does she need tolearn how to swim any-way? We’re already here!”
Margaret Cho is one of the few female AsianAmerican comedians to hit the big time. Her riotous impressionsand cultural awarenesshave garnered her laughsas well as numerousawards from women’s andcivil rights groups. OnAsian women who un-dergo cosmetic surgery,she quips: “They get theinfamous eye surgerywhere they cut your eyelidup here and they make itbig so that you can seemore. … I prefer to justturn my head.”
LINDSAY MILLER
140
… if your family tree does not fork,”or “… if your last Thanksgiving din-ner was ruined because you ran outof ketchup.”) The idea for the mater-ial came to him one night at a low-rent Detroit bowling alley, where hewas amused to find valet parking of-fered. “Rednecks aren’t just Southern-ers,” he says. “They’re everywhere.”
And Foxworthy says he knows howto recognize them. He claims he canread a redneck’s T-shirt and tell youwhat kind of beer he drinks, his fa-vorite football team, which driver heroots for in NASCAR, and where hewent on vacation. Now author of 20books on the topic, this funnyman isusually right.
In 1991, Foxworthy got his first
Showtime special, Jeff Foxworthy: YouMight Be a Redneck, and two yearslater, his comedy album of the samename went platinum. He had a hardertime finding a home on TV. His sitcom, The Jeff Foxworthy Show,bounced between networks from 1995to 1997.
“I don’t think the ‘suits’ knew howsmart and savvy he was,” offersMichelle Clunie, a cast member dur-ing the show’s first season. “I thinkthey thought, ‘Oh, he’s just this South-ern comic.’ Out of all the episodes wedid, the one that really worked wasthe one Jeff wrote entirely himself.”
Frustrated with the Hollywoodlifestyle, in 1997 he and Gregg packedup and left California. Now based in
Culture Clash
REDNECK’S REVENGE
Georgia, he continues to tour and hasa syndicated weekly radio show. In2004 his series, Blue Collar TV, waspicked up on the WB, and this fall hewill star in a new show, Foxworthy’sBig Night Out, on cable’s CountryMusic Television.
Though Foxworthy often cracksthat a redneck’s idea of a cruise meanscircling the Dairy Queen (“Wanna goaround in the other direction for awhile, hun?”), several years ago, hecashed in two million frequent-fliermiles to take 11 family members toHawaii. That trip spawned a gag—“The Clampetts Go to Maui”—on oneof his CDs, though the truth is thatFoxworthy really does enjoy spend-ing time with family, so much so thathis brother Jay lives next door. Fam-ily means everything, he says, as doeshis belief in a higher power.
That message hit home one day in2003 when his sister-in-law called,hysterical that Jay wasn’t breathing.Jeff rushed over and summoned hiscollege CPR skills.
“His lips were all puffed up, and hewas blue,” Foxworthy remembers. “Itturned out to be a case of really badfood poisoning, and five minutes intoCPR, Jay started to breathe. I can’t eventhink about the way I felt during thosefive minutes. Like I told the guys inmy Bible study, the body without the
spirit is useless—because that wasn’tJay in there.”
When he’s home, Foxworthy, whowith Gregg has two daughters, Jordan,14, and Juliane, 11, is at his kids’ soccergames or trades off carpooling withhis brother. With five girls betweenthem, he jokes that the two familiesswim in an “estrogen ocean.” No won-der he occasionally yearns for someguy stuff, like ice fishing or deer hunt-ing, and jokes, only tongue-in-cheek,that “You may be a redneck … if yourfavorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.”He loves to spend time at a 2,000-acrespread he owns south of Atlanta. Witha lodge converted from an old barn, aporch swing and no telephones, it’shis private sanctuary.
Foxworthy recently turned down amovie with Robin Williams becauseit meant being away from his wife andkids for nine weeks in the summer. “Ireally fight for my normalcy.” And he’swinning the battle, despite having thekind of riches he could never havedreamed of growing up.
“I want to apologize for being fiveminutes late,” this average guy oncetold a reporter. “I couldn’t find aphone. But it was right where it wassupposed to be, on the back porchnext to the bag of Cheetos.”
Hear our interview atrd.com/foxworthy.
W H Y T H E E M P E R O R W E A R S N O C LOT H E S
Carl Reiner, on the No. 1 problem he faces being an icon: “Whenyou’re a legend, you try not to walk around with stains on your pantsand tie.” From The Wall Street Journal
141
LAUGHTER, THE BEST MEDICINE®
ILLUSTRATED BY DAN REYNOLDS (TOP); FEGGO (BOTTOM)
extra
Why domermaidswearseashells?Because B-shells aretoo smalland D-shellsare too big.
Submitted by ADAM RUDEBUSCH
142
Every day a womanstood on her porch and shouted, “Praise the Lord!”
And every day theatheist next door yelledback, “There is no Lord!”
One day she prayed,“Lord, I’m hungry. Pleasesend me groceries.”
The next morning shefound a big bag of foodon the stairs. “Praise theLord,” she shouted.
“I told you there wasno Lord,” her neighborsaid, jumping from be-hind a bush. “I boughtthose groceries.”
“Praise the Lord,” thewoman said. “He notonly sent me groceries,but he made the devilpay for them.”
143ILLUSTRATED BY SCOTT ARTHUR MASEAR (TOP); DAVE CARPENTER (BOTTOM)
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?A: A diamond in the rough. Submitted by MARCIANO LEEQ:
The little boa con-strictor wiggled homeone day with tears inhis eyes.
“Mommy,” hesobbed, “those meanycobras next door won’tlet me play with theirlittle boy.”
“Won’t let you playwith their little boy!”his mother screamed.“Those snobs. I knewthem when they didn’thave a pit to hiss in.”
Submitted by JILL LEWIS
All In-gest I went to a restaurantthat serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French toastduring the Renaissance.
STEVEN WRIGHT
A fruit is a vegetablewith looks and money.Plus, if you let fruit rot, itturns into wine, some-thing Brussels sproutsnever do. P. J. O’ROURKE
When cheese gets itspicture taken, what doesit say? GEORGE CARLIN
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
Snake EyesFunnyQ: How can you tell a pokerplayer is lying?A: His chips aremoving.
FunnierQ: Why did theelephant hate to play cards in the jungle?A: Because therewere too manycheetahs.
FunniestQ: What’s thedifference be-tween a largecheese pizza anda poker player? A: A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four.
Scientists have lo-cated the gene for alco-holism. They found it ata party, talking way tooloudly. CONAN O’BRIEN
on Late Night (NBC)
Did you hear about the poor fortune-teller? He’snot making much of a prophet. Submitted by
THOMAS L. TOTH
ILLUSTRATED BY JOHN GRIMES (TOP); DAN REYNOLDS (BOTTOM)144
145
Can You Top This?Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?A: I can’t take my “i”s off you.
Come on, you know the pencil can do better than that.E-mail your funniest original punch line to us at [email protected], subject: September, and if it’s thebest (and the first of its kind), you’ll win fame andriches. Well, not really, but you’ll get a cool $100.
Anyone know why the woman can’t just drag her doginto the store? July’s winning punch line is from LanaNelson-Stone of Decatur, Illinois: I can’t trust his judg-ment. He drinks out of the toilet.
Pillsbury spokes-man Pop N. Fresh
died yesterday, at 71. Inattendance at the funeralwere Mrs. Butterworth,the California Raisins,Hungry Jack, BettyCrocker and the HostessTwinkies.
Fresh rose quickly inshow business, but hiscareer was filled withmany turnovers. He wasnot considered a smartcookie, wasting much ofhis dough on half-bakedschemes. Still, even as acrusty old man, he was aroll model for millions.
Fresh is survived byhis second wife. Theyhave two children andone in the oven.
The funeral was heldat 3:50 for about 20 minutes. Submitted by
CHARLES SULLIVAN
“And yet, the lawyers still thrive.”
ILLUSTRATED BY SCOTT ARTHUR MASEAR (TOP); DAVE CARPENTER (BOTTOM)
146
for the funny true stories we print in Life in TheseUnited States, All in a Day’s Work and Humor in Uniform. We pay $100 for jokes, quotes and other material used in Laughter, the Best Medicine,Quotable Quotes or elsewhere in the magazine.
SEND ‘EM TO US! HERE’S HOW■ Go to rd.com/joke to submit original material.■ To enclose funny items clipped from other sources, mail to: Humor, Reader’s Digest, Box 100, Pleasantville, New York 10572-0100.Please note source, date and page number. Be sure to include yourname, address, phone number and e-mail.■ Rates are subject to change; for terms and details, visit rd.com.
WE PAY $100-$300
Need more jokes?Grab the Collector’sEdition of Laughter,the Best Medicine. It’spacked with hilariousjokes, quotes andfunny true stories fromSteve Martin, DaveBarry and more, plus250 cartoons fromAmerica’s best illustra-tors. Just $29.96, withfree shipping. Buy atrdstore.com/laughteror call 888-366-3732.
I think ford names trucks by how many timesyou cuss when you fill them up: F-150, F-250 ...
BUZZ NUTLEY
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
“The striped ones will make you look thinner.”
ILLUSTRATED BY BENITA EPSTEIN
Secretary Ricein a diplomaticreception roomat the StateDepartment.
Womanof theWorld
PHOTOGRAPHED BY MARTIN SIMON 149
RD: We were united as a nation rightafter the 9/11 attacks, but today we’redeeply divided along partisan lines.
Is there something you might havedone to maintain that unity?Secretary Rice: I still think there’s an underlying unity. But perhaps wedidn’t have time to reflect fully onwhat 9/11 was going to require of usas a country.
Did it mean we were going to huntdown Al Qaeda as the organization
that did this to us? Perhaps captureOsama bin Laden, and then we couldreturn to life as we knew it? Or wasthis instead a struggle of a generationto change the very circumstances thatcreated Al Qaeda? For those of us whocame out on that side of the debate,it was the only way to leave a perma-nent peace to our children and ourgrandchildren.
I liken it in some ways to what hap-pened after World War II. America
B Y W I L L I A M B E A M A N A N D C O N R A D K I E C H E L
Everywhere she turns—from Iraq to Iran, from Lebanonto North Korea—Secretary of State Condoleezza Ricefaces a crisis of diplomacy. In this exclusive interview, shetalks about the turbulent times ahead and the strategy tosteer America safely through.
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
didn’t think it enough to have just defeated the Nazis. We had to leave a stable Europe and that meant a dem-ocratic Europe, with a democratic Germany at its core. We had to leavea democratic Japan.
Those policies clearly proved them-selves right. When we recognize thatnobody thinks we’re ever going to goto war again on the European conti-nent, or that France and Germany areever going to fight again, or that Japanis ever going to be a threat to their re-gion, you recognize the wisdom ofdealing with root causes.
RD: You are describing a vast under-taking that would benefit us and ourallies by creating a more peacefulworld. But the U.S. image, as reflectedin polls in Europe and elsewhere, hasbeen battered. Do you have a strategyto burnish that image?Secretary Rice: Well, first, we haveto do what’s right, and sometimes
doing what’s right means doing hardthings that people may not agree with.Was it right to finally deal with thethreat of Saddam Hussein? Some peo-ple said, “No, that was not right andit has had its cost in terms of Ameri-can popularity.” But I believe firmlythat when the history of this period is written, and when Iraq is a pillar ofdemocracy and stability in that re-gion, people will look back and say,“All right, it was the right decision.”Difficult decisions will sometimes beunpopular.
But there’s more we can do. Weneed to have a conversation with thepeople of the Middle East, not a mono-logue. We need to increase our expo-sure to people, particularly youngpeople. So we’ve been very big sup-porters of student exchange programs.And we must be clear that we reallybelieve that the people of the MiddleEast deserve a democratic future,something that American Presidents
1989 Rice is a Soviet Affairs specialist in the George H. W. Bush Ad-ministration when the Berlin Wall comes down. 1993 A political scienceprofessor at Stanford, Rice is named the university’s first female provost.2001 As National Security Advisor, Rice helps shape President Bush’sresponse to the attacks of 9/11. 2005 In Bush’s second term, she
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were not willing to say for 60 years.We were only concerned with stabil-ity, not with democracy, and we got neither.
There are also misconceptions we can fight against. When I talk toreligious people from the Middle East,they seem to believe that Ameri-cans are secular and don’t believe in family. And I say, “Come to America.”There’s a church or a synagogue or amosque on practically every corner.We are a people who are family ori-ented and deeply religious.
America has made its way by beinga place where people from many dif-ferent cultures and many different religious backgrounds have joined to-gether. We don’t tolerate each other;we make each other better. I wish peo-ple could see that America.
RD: Does our goal today of stabilityand prosperity in Iraq still encompassbuilding a democratic Iraq as well?
Secretary Rice: Oh, it absolutely hasto encompass a democratic Iraq. Onecan’t exist without the other.
I think we’ve learned over the yearsthat what you get from authoritarian-ism or dictatorships is a false stability.Either you get out-and-out repressionor you get a society in which there aremalignancies that eventually springforth in unhealthy ways, like the devel-opment of extremism, because peo-ple don’t have legitimate politicalinstitutions through which to expresstheir differences.
I look at the lives of innocent Iraqisthat have been lost, schoolchildrenand teachers and brothers and sistersof Iraqi leaders who are assassinated.And I stand in awe of the fact thattwelve and a half million of them wentto the polls anyway, despite thosethreats and that intimidation.
When Iraq achieves its democracy,it’s going to have a huge impact on therest of the region, because people are
becomes America’s first black female Secretary ofState. 2005 A meeting with Kurdish childrentypifies her deft personal diplomacy. 2006 Ricevisits with Iraq’s newly elected prime minister,
in an effort to bolster his fragile government.
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going to look around and say, “Why not us?”
Already, in Kuwait, women votedfor the first time and ran for office forthe first time. In Egypt, they have hadmulti-party elections for the first time.I know their parliamentary electionsdid not meet the standards that wehad hoped, but when you’ve had elec-tions in which criticism of the sittinggovernment, even the president, wasthoroughly and completely permitted,it’s never going to be the same.
RD: When you were National Secu-rity Advisor, you said no one shouldbe willing to tolerate nuclear weaponsin Iran. And the President has said wewon’t tolerate it. Will this statementcome back to haunt us? Secretary Rice: We don’t have to tol-erate it. No, of course not. First of all,we are working very hard, and I wouldsay effectively, to have an international
coalition that also won’t tolerate a nu-clear weapon in Iran. And if it’s de-termined to have a nuclear weapon,then it will be isolated from the inter-national community.
We also can make it very clear toIran that it’s never going to benefitfrom having a nuclear weapon. We’regoing to defend our allies and our in-terests around the world.
RD: The Bush Administration has ex-pressed a doctrine of preemption tostop threats to international security.Are North Korea’s long-range missiletests a case for preemptive strikes? Secretary Rice: The United States israllying a very important coalition ofNorth Korea’s neighbors to deal withthis nuclear threat—China and Japanand Russia and South Korea—andthat’s the best way to handle this.
To be sure, the United States main-tains—through its alliance with the
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People willlook back andsay, ‘We’re gladthey didn’t take the easyway, that theyinsisted ondemocracy.’ ”
“
PHOTOGRAPHED BY MARTIN SIMON
WOMAN OF THE WORLD
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Republic of Korea, and also with oth-ers in the region, like Japan—plentyof capability so the North Koreans are not confused about who is pre-eminent in terms of the security situ-ation. Now, the President has beenvery clear. We don’t have any desire toinvade or attack North Korea. Whywould we do that?
So North Korea also has no reasonto have nuclear weapons. That said, Ithink the North Koreans recognizethat the United States and its allieshave plenty of capability to deal withany provocation.
RD: When Ronald Reagan went toBerlin and said, “Tear down this wall,”many experts didn’t believe it wouldhappen. Is there anything today thatwould surprise people as much as thefall of communism?Secretary Rice: People are going tobe surprised at how different the Mid-dle East is going to be in a few years.That would be my prediction.
There’s going to be more democra-tic development, undoubtedly turbu-lent, rocky, because that’s how bigchanges are. You know, when I lookback on the fall of communism, I re-alize that we were just harvesting thedecisions that had been made in 1946and ’47. And I think, How did theykeep their bearings? Because on anygiven day, the people who would walkinto this [State Department] buildingwould know that, in 1946, the ItalianCommunists won 48 percent of thevote and the French Communists 46percent of the vote. In 1948, Czecho-
slovakia fell to a Communist coup. In1948, Berlin was permanently dividedby the Berlin Crisis. In 1949, the So-viet Union set off a nuclear weaponfive years ahead of schedule and theChinese Communists won.
If you had said to people at thattime, that in 1989 and 1990, the SovietUnion is going to collapse, EasternEurope is going to peacefully emergeas democratic, Germany will finallyunify, Poland, Lithuania, Latvia, Ro-mania are all going to be members ofNATO, people would have said, “Areyou out of your mind?”
Now we’re at the beginning of an-other great transformation. I don’tknow if it will be 10 years or 20 or 30.But people will look back and say,“We’re really glad that they didn’t takethe easy way, that they didn’t decidestability was enough and insisted ondemocratic development.”
RD: You’ve made clear your lack of in-terest in running for President, but ifthere’s a groundswell of public sup-port for you to get into the race, couldthat change your mind?Secretary Rice: I know what I’msuited to do in life. I’ve been fortunatethat I’ve had jobs and responsibilitiesand opportunities that, when I was akid growing up in Birmingham, Al-abama, I would never have dreamed.But by this time in life, I do know whatI want to do and what I don’t. So I’ll either go into sports managementsomeplace or, more likely, go back toStanford and teach.
Listen to our interview at rd.com/rice.
In a small country hospital, a 3-year-old boy's life hung by a thread—and along-distance phone call I B Y T E R R I A D A M S
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COURTESY BECCY HARTMANN154
Aaron Engstrom watchedhis rambunctious son,Carter, and a pack of his nephews run laugh-ing through the house,bouncing off one an-
other like bumper cars. They’d stuffedpillows inside their shirts and were“belly bashing.”
October mornings like this, with iceforming in the shallows of the Yellow-stone River and the trees changingand the laughter inside the house—that’s why he moved back to the areawhere he’d grown up and settled inthe small town of Sidney, Montana.
A few months earlier, Aaron and hiswife, Annie, had left Bellingham,Washington, where he’d been taking
pre-med classes and working as a techat a busy Level II trauma center. See-ing the long hours doctors put in andlooking ahead to years of school, hebegan to have second thoughts abouthis career. So when an opportunity toenter a new radiology program at theSidney Health Center opened, hejumped at it.
Aaron smiled at the boys rough-housing in the living room. A thumpto Carter’s pillowed belly sent himtumbling backward into the corner ofthe maple TV stand. Carter coveredhis ear with his hand and cried.
“You okay, buddy?” Aaron asked,checking him over. There was nobreak in the skin. Carter, his eyes stillfull of tears, nodded, rubbed the sting
Life can be ateetertotter, asCarter Engstromdiscovered.
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away, tucked the pillow back in hisshirt and ran off after his cousins.
But the fall had done more thanpinch Carter’s ear. The blow againstthe corner of the stand had sent ashock through his skull and rupturedthe middle meningeal artery, whichruns near the surface of the brain justbelow the dura, its lining. Nothing buta small red mark on his ear showedoutside, but inside, Carter was bleed-ing and the trapped blood was com-pressing his brain.
At bedtime Aaron and Annie noticedtheir son looked groggy. Just a busyday, they thought. Dressed in red andblue Superman pajamas, he stumbledgoing to bed. “My ear hurts,” he told
them. As Annie tucked him in, shesuggested that he turn over and sleepon his other side, then kissed himgoodnight.
Just before dawn the Engstromswere awakened by piercing screams.They rushed to Carter’s room and triedto soothe him. He was talking and lucidand eventually stopped crying. Butwhen the two returned to their bed-room, Annie heard a small cry. Theyran back and found Carter uncon-scious—and they couldn’t wake him.
Aaron carried his son into theirroom and laid him on the apple-greenduvet on their bed. He discovered thatCarter had wet himself. As he changedthe boy’s pants, Carter’s arms and legsflopped like a rubber doll’s.
Aaron checked his son’s eyes. Lift-ing one lid, he saw that the pupil wasfully dilated and not responding tolight. Frantic, he pulled back the otherlid; the pupil was completely con-
Doctors warned Annie and Aaron that their son’s full recovery couldn’tbe guaranteed.
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tracted. Uneven pupil dilation is a signof a life-threatening head injury. “Wegotta go to the hospital now,” he said.
At large hospitals, emergencyrooms are open around the clock.Generally, at smaller hospitals, per-sonnel are on an “on-call status” after-hours. It takes time to gather a medicalteam. Carter didn’t have much time.
That morning, however, the SidneyHealth Center happened to have afully staffed emergency room. WhenAaron rushed through the doors withCarter in his arms, Dr. Edward L.Pierce immediately took the boy intoa medical bay. Confirming the unevenpupil dilation, Pierce ordered a CTscan. The CT suite staff—the veryteam Aaron worked with—was onhand at that hour. When they com-pleted the scan, they gave Aaron theimages, and with a trembling hand heput them up on the light board.
His legs buckled. The scans showeda large gray shadow—a massive he-morrhage inside the skull. Aaron hadseen patterns like this before—andthe outcome had never been good.With colleagues gathered around him,he wept.
In the emergency room, medicalpersonnel were frantically working tostabilize Carter. There was no brainsurgeon in Sidney. The closest Mon-tana hospital able to treat brain traumawas in Billings, 250 miles to the south-west. They called for an air ambulance,but with the plane more than an houraway, Carter might not make it.
Carter’s life functions were rapidly
deteriorating. Nurses intubated thechild, using a hand bag to force airinto his lungs to keep him alive untilthe plane arrived.
Then a return call came fromBillings. Doctors there felt that giventhe severity of Carter’s injury, he’d bebetter off flying to Denver, wherethere was a neurosurgical center witha pediatric intensivist. Denver was 550miles distant. Billings would send amedically equipped plane for the trip.
But Carter almost certainly didn’thave that much time.
In a room a hundred yardsaway, Dr. Edward P. Berginwas unaware of the battle tosave Carter being fought inthe ER. He was preparing forhis first scheduled surgery of
the morning, a routine gallbladder operation. A scrubbed staff and a fullyprepared operating table were waitingfor him.
Just then a phone rang. It was Piercecalling from the ER. He had a criti-cally ill patient. He wanted to know ifBergin could drill burr holes in theskull of a three-year-old boy.
Bergin felt himself tighten up. As ageneral surgeon he was the “turn-toguy,” the doctor they called whenother doctors needed something donebeyond their realm of expertise; butthis was a request for brain surgery,an area in which he had limited train-ing—and no neurosurgical tools onhand. Bergin also knew if Pierce wasasking him, he was the only option left.
He hung up the phone and looked at
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his crew. Brain surgery was novel forthem as well. But with no alternatives,you fall back on frontier medicine.You improvise; you do what is needed.Telling the anesthetist to hold the gall-bladder patient, Bergin, in his teal-col-ored scrubs, hurried to the ER.
When he pulled back the curtainsto the emergency room bay, Berginsaw a child who had regressed intoflexor posturing—arms bent inward,hands clenched into fists—a sign ofsevere brain injury. Nurses were stillbagging air into his lungs. The mainthing Carter had going was hisyouth—and strong little heart.
Bergin looked at the parents. “I’msorry,” he said, “but I have to try anddo something or your son’s not goingto make it.”
The Engstroms put themselves andtheir son in his hands.
Back in the brilliantly lit,tiled operating room,Bergin scrambled his teamto gather an array of toolsand prepare the boy foremergency surgery. As he
rescrubbed, he searched his memoryfor anything he’d ever read about thisoperation. Then he made a quick de-cision. He’d call for help. He asked thestaff to find a neurosurgeon some-where, anywhere, who could walk himthrough the procedure. He’d use aspeakerphone in the operating room.
Neurosurgeon David VanSickle wasassisting in an operation at the Chil-dren’s Hospital in Denver when his
pager went off. From the description,he realized how desperate the doc-tor’s patient was. VanSickle agreed tohelp. Leaving the primary neurosur-geon to finish the surgery, he found aquiet spot, clear of distractions, andprepared to guide Bergin’s hands long-distance.
The speakerphone was on the wallof the OR not far from the operatingtable. Listening to the spectral voicethat issued from it, Bergin began.First, cutting through skin and muscletissue on the shaved left side ofCarter’s head, he exposed the skulland prepared to enter the delicateworld inside. Guided by the CT scanand VanSickle’s advice, Bergin esti-mated the clot’s location by meas-uring with the width of his fingers.But he could not be certain until theholes were drilled.
Hospitals equipped for neuro-surgery have specially designed in-struments, some with drills fitted withfootplates and guards to prevent pen-etrating the dura and the brain. Berginwould be working with a standard or-thopedic drill, an electrically poweredstainless steel apparatus about the sizeof a hair dryer used more frequentlyon bone spurs and shoulders thanskulls. He had to be careful not to gotoo deep and risk irreparable damageor death.
The moment had come, however.Bergin took the drill and bored intothe bone. His goal was to cut two one-centimeter-wide holes, and then checkhis position with the clot. With onlyhis sight and the feel of the drill in his
hands, he needed to go just farenough to pass through the skullwithout puncturing the dura,and not a millimeter more.
It took five minutes to drilltwo vertical holes above Carter’sear. The crucial step was done.
VanSickle then instructedBergin to cut the bone betweeneach hole, connecting them likea connect-the-dots puzzle. Thiswould create a two-centimeter-wide window between the holesand allow Bergin to look insidethe skull, find the hemorrhagedclot and remove it. If thingsworked well, they would be nearthe clot’s location. If not, hewould have to drill new holesuntil he found the hemorrhage.
Bergin looked at his tools. Hehad nothing that would allowhim to cut through the bonewhile protecting the brain be-neath. Forced to improvise again,he selected an instrument usedto file bone spurs and carefully sawedaway the bone between each hole.
Finally, with the window success-fully created, Bergin looked in on thedura—the tough, fibrous membranethat wraps the brain. Relief filled him.He had drilled directly above the clot.They would be able to remove itthrough this aperture.
Now the neurosurgeon directedBergin as he and his team began to re-move pieces of clotted blood. Usingforceps and suction, they scooped themass from the hole, but as the clottedblood came free, Bergin’s nerves tight-
ened. “There’s fresh arterial blood,”he told VanSickle.
Because more of the heart’s pump-ing force is behind it, an arterial bleedapplies greater pressure on the brainand it can be harder to stop. It was anerve-racking moment. Yet, in calmvoices, the two doctors conferred ona plan of action. To slow the leak,Bergin selected a common adhesivesponge called Gelfoam.
“Use it,” VanSickle told him. Theyboth hoped it would work.
Taking small forceps, about the sizeof eyebrow tweezers, Bergin inserted
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Dr. Edward P. Bergin took the risk andperformed emergency “frontier medicine” onhis young patient.
Bergin looked at the dura. Itpulsated regularly, appearingsoft and relaxed.
“That’s a good sign,” Van-Sickle responded. The pulsat-ing meant blood and oxygenwere entering the brain. Thesoft, lax appearance meantpressure had been alleviated.Bergin’s efforts seemed to beworking.
There was still the long flightto Denver. Worried that jostlingduring the flight might restartthe bleeding, VanSickle advisedBergin to insert a drain througha separate incision in the scalpnear where the clot had been.If the sponge patch broke, thedrain would give the medicalcrew a way to draw blood toprevent another hemorrhage.
Working carefully, Bergin po-sitioned the drain. Forty min-utes after he first entered
Carter’s skull, he closed the incisionand prepared the boy for transport.Only minutes after Bergin finished,the Denver plane touched down inSidney, and an ambulance took Carterto the airport.
Three hours later, Denver neuro-surgeons, led by Dr. Charles Wilkin-son, enlarged the window made byBergin and examined the area. Allmajor bleeding had stopped, andCarter’s stressed brain was alreadyshifting back to normal.
Denver surgeons enlarged the inci-sion, removed some bone and remain-
the sponge into the area and pushedit against the pulsing artery. He heldpressure on the ruptured vessel, andhoped the sponge would adhere andseal the leak.
After a few moments, Bergin care-fully relieved pressure, watching thepoint where the sponge was lodged.“The flow is slowing,” he said.
“Tell me what the dura looks like,”VanSickle asked. The dura’s appear-ance would indicate what was hap-pening to the brain. The brain’scovering, VanSickle explained, shouldbe lax, not tense and under pressure,not bulging like a balloon somewhere.
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Back home in Sidney, Montana, Aaron andAnnie are thankful Grant and Carter will bothget to grow up enjoying small-town life.
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ing portions of the clot, and cauter-ized the artery that was torn. Theythen made a small incision in the durato see if there was deeper damage—there was not. They finished cleaningthe area and removed the Gelfoamsponge. Finally they replaced the bonewith titanium plates and screws,closed up and sent Carter to the re-covery room.
Because the trauma to the child’sbrain had been so severe, doctors toldthe Engstroms that his recovery couldtake months. There was the possibil-ity of permanent damage. Aaron andAnnie simply rejoiced that their sonwas alive.
That night Annie slept in Carter’sroom in the pediatric intensive careunit. Monitors beeped constantly.Tubes ran into him and out of him. Hewore a neck brace. It was the first timeAnnie had seen the bright red, swollenstitches on his half-shaved head.
The next morning Carter was ableto get off his breathing apparatus.Annie squeezed his hand. He didn’t
open his eyes or move. “Mommy’shere,” she said. She heard somethingthat sounded like, “Yep.”
“Mommy loves you,” she told him.“I love you too, Mommy,” he said.A CT scan revealed that the hema-
toma was gone and the brain appearedundamaged. The doctors took intra-venous lines out of his legs and movedhim to a medium care unit.
Five days later, after walking on hisown in physical therapy, Carter rodeto the elevator in one of the little wag-ons used to transport children in thehospital. The Denver doctors had de-cided he could go home.
Today dr. bergin is still at work inSidney. Most of his surgeries areplanned. “But when you’re up to yourelbows in alligators and help is milesaway, you do what you have to do,” hesays. That’s frontier—Montana—med-icine. And watching their son onceagain tear through the house, playingwith his cousins, Aaron and Annie Engstrom know that was just fine.
I N A N U TS H E L L
Not feeling quite yourself? Don’t fret, chances are it’s one of many mildand temporary personality disorders. Here are a few observed by writerLenore Skenazy in the New York Daily News.
Delusions of Grandes: Compulsive fantasizing about one’s next Star-bucks, even while sipping a Frappuccino.
Seasonings Affective Disorder: Manifested by the need to “kick thingsup a notch” even if things taste just fine the way they are.
Post Traumatic Dress Disorder: Rage and guilt focused on a brideafter she has ordered mauve pouf dresses for her bridesmaids and youare one of them.
THEMIRACLE
New evidence shows that gettingenough D may be the most important
thing you can do for your healthB Y P A U L A D R A N O V
PHOTO-ILLUSTRATION BY IRAIDA ICAZA 163
You know the usualprescription for goodhealth: a balanced dietwith lots of fruits andvegetables, regular ex-ercise, no smoking.Now add this: Spend
a little more time in the sun.Huh? That may sound like medical
heresy. After all, we’ve been warnedfor decades about the dangers of thesun: wrinkles, age spots and the in-creasing threat of skin cancer. But new
and impressive medical evidence sug-gests that sunlight is beneficial. Thevitamin D it prompts our bodies tomake may prevent cancer, protectagainst heart disease and ward off along list of disorders such as multiplesclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetesand gum disease. It is even showingpromise as a treatment for heart dis-ease and some cancers.
Long recognized as vitally impor-tant for bone building (it’s needed forcalcium absorption), vitamin D has
VITAMIN
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
now achieved superstar status amongnutrients. While all doctors may notagree, many experts are confidentenough of its wide-ranging powers tourge that we get much more of it, fromthe sun and from supplements, aseven the best diet in the world maynot give us enough.
Some of the stunning findings: Get-ting 1000 IU (international units) ofvitamin D from supplements or thesun may cut the risk of colon cancerin half, a change that would save many
thousands of lives every year. Increas-ing vitamin D intake to 2000 IU wouldreduce the risk by two-thirds, says epi-demiologist Cedric Garland of theUniversity of California, San Diego.In 1980 Dr. Garland and his brotherFrank, also an epidemiologist, pub-lished a groundbreaking study show-ing that rates of colon cancer wereabout twice as high in the sun-starvednortheastern United States as they arein the sunny South.
Since then, evidence of the connec-
Blood testsquickly ruled out anybone-weaken-ing diseases,but did show thatMike had a seriousvitamin D deficiency.
One of four athleticbrothers, Mike led an ac-tive outdoor life. But formuch of the year, there’snot much sun in Massa-chusetts, where theStones live. Mike’s doc-tor isn’t sure why thewell-nourished teen developed a vitamin Ddeficiency (others in the family had mildercases), but his boneswere so weak that heeasily could have brokenone in a tumble on theski slopes or by smash-ing into soccer or vol-
At age 14, MichaelStone’s biggesthealth concern
was getting rid of thesparkling metal braceshe’d been wearing on histeeth for four years.Then, one day as hearched his back to pullhis heavy book-ladenbackpack onto his shoul-ders, he heard a crack in his spine and felt anintense, throbbing painshoot up his back.
X-rays later showedwhat was wrong. “Youcould see right throughhis bones. If Casper theFriendly Ghost hadbones, that’s the waythey would look,” saysMike’s mother, Marla.Mike’s bone density washalf of what it shouldhave been at his age.
leyballteam-mates.
Thetreatment:
a daily sup-plement of 2000
IU of vitamin D, tentimes the RDA for every-one 50 and under, pluslots of milk and cheesefor bone-building cal-cium. The back pain islong gone, and Mike’sbones have thickened to80 percent of what theyshould be for his age.His scary brush with vitamin D deficiency hasforced him to makesome changes: no moreskiing, soccer and vol-leyball. Now 20 and acollege senior, Mikeplays golf and tennis instead.
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tion between vitaminD deficiency and can-cer has strengthened,prompting researchersto make some startlingclaims. Considering alltypes of cancer, in-sufficient vitamin Dtrumps the other riskfactors, says Dr. Gar-land. Of course, forcertain cancers someof those “other risks”are overwhelminglypowerful. For example,vitamin D won’t stop some smokersfrom getting lung cancer or heavydrinkers from being at risk for oral oresophageal cancers.
But researchers have now identi-fied at least 18 types of cancer that aremore common among people whodon’t get enough vitamin D, includ-ing such common ones as breast, lungand prostate. (Other cancers that havebeen linked to vitamin D: bladder,esophageal, gastric, ovarian, rectal,renal, uterine, non-Hodgkin’s lym-phoma, cervical, gallbladder, laryn-geal, oral, pancreatic, Hodgkin’slymphoma and colon.) They’velearned that prostate cancer typicallystrikes men who work indoors fouryears earlier than it occurs amongmen who work outdoors. And theysuspect that higher rates, and moreaggressive cases, of prostate canceramong African Americans occur be-cause black skin doesn’t efficiently absorb the ultraviolet B (UVB) raysthat trigger vitamin D production. In
Africa, black skin doesa great job of absorbingUVB. The weaker raysfarther north just don’tmake it through oftenenough, leaving AfricanAmericans more likelythan whites to run low on vitamin D. Thesame thing may explainwhy breast cancer tendsto be more aggressiveand more frequentlyfatal among AfricanAmerican women than
it is among white women.
Can D Cure?Even after cancer strikes, the vita-
min D our bodies make in the sum-mer helps fight the disease. A studyat Harvard found that mortality rateswere 40 percent higher among lungcancer patients operated on in thewinter than among those who had sur-gery in the summer and had high lev-els of D from sun or diet. This year, aBritish study found that survival ratesthere are highest among cancer pa-tients diagnosed in the summer andfall. And last year in Norway re-searchers found higher survival ratesamong young people with Hodgkin’slymphoma diagnosed in the autumn.
Benefits aren’t limited to D from thesun. In Canada, patients given vita-min D along with chemotherapy hadfewer side effects and developedfewer thromboses (blood clots), seri-ous complications of treatment, thanthose who got a placebo with chemo.
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EXPERTS HAVENOW LINKED
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How can a mere vitamin harbor suchamazing powers? Forstarters, D isn’t really avitamin. In the body, itis transformed into abenevolent hormone,shoring up our bones,regulating cell growthand helping preventthe kind of wild cellproliferation that leadsto cancer. “Almostevery tissue and cell inthe body has receptorsfor vitamin D, which means that everytissue and cell needs vitamin D tofunction maximally,” says Michael F.Holick, MD, a vitamin D researcherat Boston University.
In the lab, researchers have watchedas activated vitamin D actually turnsoff cancer. When prostate cancer cellswere exposed to D, the cells stoppedreproducing wildly and resumed nor-mal, orderly growth. Later studiesshowed that the same process occursin colon and breast cancer cells. Andwhen Dr. Holick’s team gave vitaminD to mice with colon cancer, they witnessed a 40 percent reduction intumor growth.
The big challenge now? Distillingthe cancer-protective elements of vi-tamin D into compounds that can beused to treat humans.
Risks of Too Little DCancer isn’t the only killer disease
linked to vitamin D. Getting more ofit could protect against heart disease
and high blood pres-sure, both more com-mon in areas of theworld where strong sunis in short supply formuch of the year. Heartdisease deaths are morecommon in winter thanany other season.
Heart disease Re-search on the connec-tion vitamin D has withheart disease isn’t asadvanced as the con-nection it has with can-
cer. But studies have already shownthat supplements of D can lower lev-els of C-reactive protein, a marker forthe inflammation now believed to un-derlie heart disease. And a combina-tion of vitamin D and calcium canreduce blood pressure.
Dr. Holick showed that just a fewminutes of UVB exposure on a tanningbed three times a week for six weekslowered blood pressure. So did otherresearchers giving 1600 IU of D and800 mg of calcium to female hyper-tension patients for eight weeks. Tonail down this evidence, D will have tobe tested against drugs for high bloodpressure to see if it works as well orbetter than the medicines do.
Meanwhile, the list of diseases af-fected by D keeps growing and in-cludes some of the most troublingillnesses, those that occur when theimmune system mistakenly perceivesthe body’s own tissues as a threat tohealth and begins producing antibod-ies to attack them:
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THOSE WHOGOT AT
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Multiple sclerosis Activated vita-min D prevents the mouse version ofMS and seems protective in humans.The disease is rare in regions closeto the equator. And elsewhere, itseems, the more D you get, the lowerthe risk. A study including 187,563nurses showed that those who got atleast 400 IU of vitamin D daily had a40 percent lower risk of MS thanthose who got less D.
When researchers gave daily sup-plements of 1000 IUs for six months towomen with MS, they saw an increasein body chemicals that put the brakeson the immune system attacks thatworsen the disease.
Diabetes If there only were moresunshine in Finland, fewer childrenmight develop type 1 diabetes. Thattheory gained credence when re-searchers found that youngsters whotook 2000 IU of vitamin D daily dur-ing the 1960s had an 80 percent lowerrisk of developing thedisease than kids whogot fewer supplements.
Rheumatoid arthri-tis In Iowa, of thenearly 30,000 womenage 55 to 69 followedfor 11 years, those whoreceived the most Dwere the least likely todevelop rheumatoidarthritis.
Gum disease Vita-min D may also helpprevent gum disease,perhaps because of itsability to check inflam-
CURRENT GUIDELINES:ARE THEY ADEQUATE?
mation. When dentists looked at bloodlevels from 6,700 teens and adults,they saw that those with the highestlevels of vitamin D were 20 percentless likely to experience gum bleed-ing than people with low D levels.
A study to determine if vitamin Dsupplements change this picture is underway.
Are You GettingEnough?
Probably not. “Deficiencies havebeen found in people across the agespectrum, from babies with the bone-weakening disease rickets to the elderly in nursing homes,” saysCatherine Gordon, MD, a pediatricbone specialist at Children’s Hospi-tal Boston.
When she tested 307 healthyteenagers, Dr. Gordon found that 24percent were vitamin D deficient.When measured against the higher
5 mg 10 mg 15 mgor 200 IU or 400 IU or 600 IU
Birth to 50 51 to 70 71+
THE MIRACLE V ITAMIN
Many vitamin D experts no longer consider the govern-ment’s recommended daily allowance (RDA) for D, inchart below, to be enough. Dr. Holick and others nowprescribe 1000 IU* daily from the sun, supplements orfood—and sometimes more. The RDA will be re-exam-ined starting in 2008 and may be increased to 1000 IU(or higher) for everyone over age one.
*IU (international units) SOURCE: NIH, Office of Dietary Supplements
MEN & WOMEN(per day)
blood levels experts now say we needfor good health, 42 percent of theyoung people fell short. Similar re-sults have been found among adults ofall ages. “Worldwide, one billion peo-ple are vitamin D deficient,” explains Dr. Holick.
Sunshine versusSupplements
Dr. Holick and others now prescribeat least 1000 IU daily from the sun,supplements or food. A diet designedto give you 1000 IU of D daily wouldbe pretty monotonous (mostly milk,juice and cereal that have been forti-fied, plus oily fish and cod liver oil), so the alternatives are the sun andsupplements.
Most multivitamins provide 400 IUof D, a level calculated to prevent rick-ets. This disease was nearly eradicated
in the 1930s, when milkwas fortified, but is now onthe rebound thanks towidespread vitamin D de-ficiency. The government’sRecommended Daily Al-lowances for D will be re-examined starting in 2008and may be pushed up to1000 IU (or higher) foreveryone over age one in2010, says Dr. Holick. Inthe meantime, he takes1200 IU daily (“and sodoes my family”). Holickand other experts see noreason why we shouldn’tall aim for at least 1000 IUright away. Look for “vita-
min D3” on the label, the most effec-tive form, according to Dr. Garland.
There’s little danger of overdose,say experts. In fact, some researchersare beginning to forecast an RDA of2000 IU. That much is generally con-sidered safe, but it’s not a great idea toassume that more is better.
Toxicity symptoms include nausea,vomiting, loss of appetite and consti-pation. Excess vitamin D can also dan-gerously elevate calcium levels,causing confusion and bizarre behav-ior. However, you can’t overdose onvitamin D from the sun. Once the skinabsorbs enough UVB rays to make D,the conversion process shuts down.But the threat of sunburn, of course,continues.
By getting enough vitamin D fromthe sun in the spring, summer and fall,you may be able to store up a supply
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168
Cod liver oil
Salmon, cooked
Mackerel, cooked
Tuna, canned in oil
Sardines, cannedin oil, drained
Milk, all types, fortified
1 tablespoon
31⁄2 ounces
31⁄2 ounces
3 ounces
13⁄4 ounces
1 cup
1360 IU*
360 IU
345 IU
200 IU
250 IU
98 IU
*IU (international units) SOURCE: NIH, Office of Dietary Supplements
FOOD AMOUNT D CONTENT
BEST FOOD SOURCESFOR VITAMIN D
THE MIRACLE V ITAMIN
169
to last through the winter, but not ifyou always use sunscreen. And that’swhere vitamin D researchers andsome other experts disagree.
Dermatologists who are focused onpreventing skin cancer advise gettingD from supplements. Other experts,too, think supplements do the job justas well. But vitamin D experts thinkwe may have gone overboard withsunscreen. While zealously protect-ing ourselves from wrinkles and skincancer, they say we’re risking moredeadly forms of cancer and other dis-eases. By getting enough sun to in-crease vitamin D levels, “we couldsave ten people from death from inter-nal cancers for every one who dies ofskin cancer,” says Dr. Garland.
Dr. Holick has a simple plan de-signed to satisfy almost everyone:
First, figure out how long it takes yourskin to turn pink or show other signsof reaction to the sun. Then spendonly one-quarter of that time out-doors without sunscreen (except onyour face) several times a week. Formost people that adds up to 10 to 15minutes in the midday sun (unlessyour skin is very fair and reddenswith such brief exposure). AfricanAmericans and others with very darkskin may need at least twice the timein the sun.
For best results, expose at least 50percent of your body, wearing shortsand a T-shirt or a bathing suit, if pos-sible. And when your time is up, pro-tect your skin and slather on thesunscreen!
I F O N LY W E L I V E D I N A S I TC O M W O R L D !
Ray Romano’s wife once complained to Rolling Stone magazine thather husband spoke to his TV wife more in one episode than he spoketo her in one week at home.
“Well, we have writers on the show,” explained Romano. “If we hadwriters here, we’d be having long, funny conversations.”
Submitted by JOHN BOESENBERG
“According to a new poll, only one infour Americans can name two of thefive freedoms guaranteed by the FirstAmendment,” said Jimmy Kimmel.“But more than half of Americans canname at least two of the characters onThe Simpsons. Hey, if they ran theConstitution on TV eight times a day,we’d know it.”
To learn more about this and othervitamins, visit rd.com/vitamin.
Sgt. John McLoughlin enjoys an afternoon at a suburban New York park with (left to right) son John, wife Donna, and daughters Caitlin and Erin.
PHOTOGRAPHED BY MARC ASNIN/REDUX 171
On the afternoon of 9/11, three firefighters hoistedan American flag above the smoldering wreckage ofthe World Trade Center. Unbeknownst to them,about 30 feet beneath the ash-coated rubble, was atiny, coffin-like space where a Port Authority copnamed John McLoughlin was trapped. He would be-come the last rescue worker pulled alive from thecollapsed towers.
For his new film, World Trade Center, directorOliver Stone chose Nicolas Cage to portray Mc-Loughlin, 53. The resemblance between actor andreal-life character is all in the eyes: sorrowful, hang-dog, burdened.
McLoughlin, an even-tempered, reserved man, hadbeen on the Port Authority police force for 22 years—12 assigned to the World Trade Center—when he gotword of the attack that September morning. “A planejust flew into the towers,” his commanding officershouted. “Get a group of cops. We’re going down.”
Within minutes, McLoughlin and a four-man team
Hero“Our lives have
changed forever.”B Y D E R E K B U R N E T T
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were at the complex, crossing its un-derground concourse level, makingtheir way toward Tower One. Then,Tower Two fell.
“There was nothing but a brownwall rolling toward us,” McLoughlinremembers. “We weren’t going to sur-vive if we stayed where we were. Itold the guys to take cover in an ele-vator vestibule around the corner.”
They were still running when thefull weight of the tower crashed ontothe ground-level plaza above them,slamming into the concourse andplunging McLoughlin and his men intoa chaotic world of dust and concrete.
John mcloughlin met his wife,Donna, on a blind date in 1973. He wasworking as a banker and volunteerfirefighter in Massapequa, Long Is-land. “I was instantly attracted,” saysDonna. “He’s got a tough exterior, butwould bend over backward to helppeople. He was someone I wanted tospend my life with.” The two have fourchildren; in 2001, they ranged in agefrom 4 to 15.
Everything in the life of the Mc-Loughlin family is divided into a pre-9/11 and post-9/11 time period. Pre-9/11,John juggled the demands of his work,while Donna stayed home with thekids. They filled their scarce free timewith T-ball, soccer, Boy Scouts, andwith barbecues on their lawn in a vil-lage north of New York City. It was aquiet, American Dream existence.
For Donna, being a police officer’swife was never easy. “You learn to as-sume the best until you hear other-
wise,” she says. So on 9/11, when hourswent by with no word from her hus-band, she didn’t panic. But whenJohn’s brother Patrick, himself a PortAuthority veteran, pulled into the driveway and walked toward her, shemomentarily lost it. “Do you havesomething to tell me?” she screamed.“Because if you do, you can get out!”
What Patrick had to tell her wasthat her husband had gone into theTrade Center, and was now missing.
“I wasn’t injured, but I was trapped,”McLoughlin says. “A slab fell acrossme. The wall of debris at my feet wassolid. My right arm was locked under-neath me. My helmet was stuck.”
He called out to his men, but onlytwo answered: Dominick Pezzulo andWill Jimeno. Jimeno was pinned andbadly hurt, but Pezzulo managed topull himself free. McLoughlin in-structed Pezzulo to try and get Jimenoout before going for help. “So,” he says,lowering his eyes, “Dominick wasdoing his best at freeing Will whenthe North Tower fell.” A chunk of con-crete landed on Pezzulo, killing him.
A shower of twisted metal shiftedthe debris surrounding McLoughlin.“That’s when I got nailed,” he says. “Iwas on my side on a cement slab, myknees and hips were between twopieces of concrete, and the bones werebeing crushed together. I didn’t knowhow I was going to survive, the painwas so bad.”
Sweaty, thirsty and alone, the twomen began talking about their fami-lies. As the afternoon wore on, balls of
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flame fell into the hole, and the heatburned Jimeno’s arm. Later, Pezzulo’soverheated gun fired, narrowly miss-ing them. Always, there was the grind-ing pain. They prayed together.
Late that evening, each man beganmaking his peace with the idea ofdeath. Then Jimeno heard a muffledvoice shouting, “U.S. Marines!”
“Hey!” he shouted. “Down here!”
Within minutes, a group of rescuersgathered above them. “There wassuch relief,” says McLoughlin, “know-ing we were going to get out of there,that we were going to live.” It tookthe workers three hours to extricateJimeno, who, today, still has nervedamage and wears a brace. McLough-lin was in much deeper.
Donna, who left the children withfriends and rushed to Manhattan tobe near John, was approached by therescuers at dawn. They told her thatthey might have to amputate John’slegs. Did they have her permission?“Just get him out,” she said.
They crawled through smokingwreckage to reach McLoughlin, and
McLoughlin(below) jokeswith Nicolas Cageon the WorldTrade Center set.
Since theirordeal on 9/11,Will Jimeno (left)and his formersupervisor haveforged a closefriendship.
PHOTOGRAPHED BY MARC ASNIN/REDUX
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were finally able to free him withoutamputating. At about 7 a.m. on Sep-tember 12, 2001, he was pulled fromthe rubble—legs and all.
The years since have not been easy.McLoughlin spent the first six weeksin a medically induced coma, touch-and-go the whole way. So much of hislower body was crushed that he’s hadlarge sections of destroyed muscle tis-sue excised. He wears suspendersevery day now because there’s nolonger enough flesh around his hipsto keep his pants up.
His family life was upended as well.In the early days after 9/11, everythingrevolved around John’s needs. Hespent two and a half months in NewYork’s Bellevue Hospital, seven weeksat a rehabilitation center in RocklandCounty, then three years as an outpa-tient, enduring grueling therapy ses-sions that left him so exhausted hecould do little more than come homeand sleep. For the first 18 months, heused a wheelchair, so the house hadto be retrofitted. At times McLoughlinlost patience. “I’d get frustrated,” headmits. “It’s the simple little things inlife that you can’t do anymore. One ofthe kids leaves a sock on the floor andI can’t get my wheelchair over it.”
Defying doctors’ expectations, hepersevered, walking with two canes,then one, and now on his own thanksto braces on his lower legs. He candrive again. He still struggles withmedical issues, but having retiredfrom the Port Authority, he can spendhis time coaching his kids’ teams, serv-
ing as an assistant Scoutmaster andbeing a full-time dad.
McLoughlin hasn’t had psycholog-ical counseling. “I haven’t felt theneed,” he says. But he’s received amaz-ing support from friends, family, andtotal strangers. “Donna picks up on itwhen I’m starting to get down. She’sright there to bring me out of it.”
One summer day in 2004, the Mc-Loughlins gathered in the backyard.The kids were in the pool, friendswere visiting and the grill was on. “Ilooked around,” McLoughlin explains,“and all of a sudden I realized thingswere kind of back to normal.”
“It’s a new kind of normal,” Donnasays. “That’s what we’re searching for.Our lives have changed forever.”
“Seeing the planes crash into thebuildings and the towers fall downstill makes me uncomfortable,” Mc-Loughlin admits. “But when peopleask if it’s too soon for a film, many ofus feel that we need to be reminded ofthe human suffering that went on thatday. If we forget, we’re allowing our-selves to be set up for another hit.”
Out of a deeply felt duty to honorthe dead, McLoughlin helped NicolasCage and the other actors in WorldTrade Center reconstruct what hap-pened to him and his colleagues on9/11. “We were the last to see many ofthe rescuers alive,” McLoughlin says.“Only we can tell the story of theirheroism. People have to understandthat kind of bravery.” What he doesn’tseem to realize is that kind of braveryis also his own.
For more coverage of 9/11 heroes, go to rd.com/september11.
9/ 1 1 F I V E Y E A R S L AT E R
September 2006, and LaurenManning looks terrific.
Striding across the lobby of a Manhattan high-rise, sheexudes the confidence sheonce routinely projected as a senior vice president andpartner at Cantor Fitzgerald,the bond-trading firm thatlost 658 people on September11, 2001. That day as she en-tered the building, a fireballraced down the elevator shaftand blasted her back out,burning more than 82% of herbody. Doctors gave her just a15% chance of surviving.
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“I’mmoving forward.”
The
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“I really am feeling great,” she saysby way of introduction. “I have a lotmore strength and am ready to moveforward with a more normal life—which is a tonic in itself.”
Normal life doesn’t yet include re-suming her business career, but it doesencompass ordinary activities thatonce seemed unattainable. Like walk-ing her five-year-old son, Tyler, to hisnew kindergarten class, or racing afterhim in Hudson River Park as hespeeds away on his Razor scooter.With the help of a specially fitted Vel-cro glove, Lauren can now hold a ten-nis racket. “I can’t serve yet,” she says,
“but I’ll figure that out.” Adds her hus-band, Greg, “Here’s another milestone:Tyler is into football and Lauren is theone who taught him how to tackle.”
Now 45, Lauren cannot believe thatfive years have passed since 9/11. Tylerwas just ten months old when hismother dashed out of their GreenwichVillage apartment on her way to work.She was running late. Greg—then asenior vice president, director of salesand marketing with Euro Brokers, andnow a vice president of intellectualproperty with Cantor Fitzgerald—hadan 8:30 a.m. conference at TowerOne’s Windows on the World. But he
The Mannings on a recent summer day inManhattan—takingnothing for granted.
THE SURVIVOR
missed the meeting because he, too,was running late. If everything hadgone as planned, Lauren would havebeen on the 105th floor and Gregwould have been on the 107th whenthe plane hit.
During Lauren’s long road back tohealth—an excruciating process sheonce described as pushing a rock up-
hill every day—she’s endured morethan 25 surgeries, including skin graftsand scar revisions to her back, face,and hands. The physical break-throughs have been hard won. She’sfinally shed the stifling pressure gar-ments she wore 23 hours a day to keepscar tissue from forming; last year shefinished five years of rehab treatments.
She still works with physical andoccupational therapists, who helpstretch her delicate hands, devastat-ingly seared on Tower One’s hot metallobby doors. Susan Scanga, one of hertherapists, says, “Lauren was so badlyburned that there’s not much thereexcept scar tissue and bone. To me,it’s a miracle she even has hands atall. Still, she looks you in the eye andsays, ‘I don’t have bad days.’ ”
Lauren sees parallels between herson’s first five years of life and herown five-year journey back. “Tyler’sgone from a carriage to crawling towalking to a scooter to learning to ridea two-wheeler,” she says. Simultane-ously, she’s had to learn how to sit,
stand, walk, drink from a cup, and usea knife and fork.
Recently, Tyler has made his owndiscovery of what his mom wentthrough that terrible day. In Septem-ber 2005 he watched his parents ap-pear on the Today show. Shortly aftersome 9/11 footage rolled, Tyler askedhis mother why she ever went into the
building that day. “I wish you hadn’tbeen hurt, Mommy,” he said.
Lauren and Greg work hard to givetheir young son the right messages.“We tell him that some bad guys dida bad thing, and that’s how Mommywas injured,” says Greg. They offerTyler reassurances that it’s not goingto happen to him, and that his parentswill protect him no matter what.
Are they planning to have any morechildren? Lauren’s quiet reply: “Wewould love to.”
In the meantime, they’re enjoyingwhat they have. It’s the unplannedpleasures they truly value. Tyler hasgotten into playacting, and he’ll sud-denly suggest a script. “You be theprincess,” he’ll say to Lauren, “and I’llbe the knight. Caleigh [their dog] canbe the dragon.” With that, they’re off.
Lauren smiles as she tells the story.“Life doesn’t get any better,” she says.
“You be the princess,” Lauren’s sontells her. “I’ll be the knight.”
For more coverage of 9/11 heroes, go to rd.com/september11.
Lauren’s amazing fight back fromtragedy is chronicled in her husband’sbook, “Love, Greg and Lauren” (Bantam).
9/ 1 1 F I V E Y E A R S L AT E R
PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN BAKER
The image haunts him to this day: Two people, high over-head, leap hand-in-hand to their death from one of the blaz-ing towers of the World Trade Center.
On that September morning five years ago, a memory of hisfather came to Mayor Rudy Giuliani. In it, the Brooklynplumber and bartender was telling his only child, “In a crisis,you have to become the calmest person in the room.”
Giuliani became more than that. His suit coated with ashfrom the wreckage, he stood defiant, vowing that New York-ers would show the world the meaning of courage. He soothedvictims’ families, attended funerals of police and firefighters,rallied his fellow citizens on radio and television.
He’d overcome hardships before, including a bitter, public end to his marriage, and a battle with prostate cancer. Along-side the terrifying challenges of 9/11, they’re the kind of eventsthat could shatter anyone’s public and personal life. But Giu-liani’s resolve to triumph is stronger than ever, and now he isabout to find out if his legacy of leadership endures.
After the coming midterm elections, he will decide whetherto seek the Republican nomination for President in 2008, or
Leader“Courage is about
managing fear.”B Y W I L L I A M B E A M A N
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Former New YorkMayor RudolphGiuliani takes astroll in TimesSquare in thewinter of 2005.
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Party. He’s also campaigned for hard-core conservatives and spoken to evan-gelical groups like the Global PastorsNetwork, praising their accomplish-ments and reminding them of his own.
Says Fred Siegel, a Progressive Pol-icy Institute fellow, and author of theGiuliani biography The Prince of theCity, “Giuliani rescued New York fromdecline. In 1993, crime in the city wasout of control. Public spaces had beentaken over by lowlifes. There was anevacuation mentality—people wantedto sell their apartments and get out.”
Through tough, innovative law en-forcement, the mayor oversaw a steepdrop in crime and forced the clean-up of New York’s trash-strewn streets.Giuliani won praise for the stunningrejuvenation of Times Square, family-friendly after years of being overrunwith porn shops and drug dealers. “Heshowed that New York was govern-able again,” says Siegel.
But his tenure was also steeped incontroversy. Civil rights leaders ac-cused him of turning cops loose onminority neighborhoods: Police bru-talization of Haitian immigrant AbnerLouima became their Exhibit A. Hewas also regularly criticized for beingharshly combative with those who op-posed him, from union leaders to theeducation bureaucracy.
And then there was the unravelingof his personal life. After 16 years of
whether to carry on with the lucra-tive business ventures he took uppost-9/11. Having spent years in pub-lic service—as a U.S. Attorney in NewYork, an Associate Attorney Generalduring the Reagan Administration,and two terms as mayor of the BigApple—Giuliani, 62, is finally cashingin. Chair and CEO of Giuliani PartnersLLC, he’s making millions as a secu-rity and crisis management consul-tant. He’s also a law partner withBracewell & Giuliani, and givesspeeches that reportedly earn him
$100,000 a pop. Still, he insists thathis current work is about the chal-lenge rather than the money. “Learn-ing more about business, finance, howto straighten out organizations—that’svery exciting to me,” he says.
But when he talks about public serv-ice, his intensity ratchets up. “I missbeing involved in the most importantthings that are going on. When somecrisis happens, you feel that’s whatyou’ve been trained for, what youknow how to do.”
Iraq. Iran. North Korea. Al Qaeda,global warming, health care, debt. Ifchallenges are what Giuliani’s look-ing for, he’d have plenty to tackle asPresident of the United States.
Although he’s officially undecidedabout running, he’s making plans likea candidate. In recent months he’sraised lots of cash for the Republican
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
“I miss being involved in the mostimportant things going on.”
For more coverage of 9/11 heroes, go to rd.com/september11.
THE LEADER
181
marriage, he split from actress DonnaHanover, mother of his two kids, thenages 14 and 10. The breakup occurredmonths after gossip columnists hadbegun writing about his ill-concealedrelationship with divorced nurse Ju-dith Nathan, whom he married threeyears later, in 2003. At the same time,he announced that he was battlingprostate cancer and would withdrawfrom New York’s senatorial race.
Now cancer-free, Giuliani hasemerged strong and poised to learnwhether voters will overlook his con-tradictions in favor of his ability tolead. So far, that seems a possibility.In numerous polls of self-describedRepublicans this year, Giuliani ranksfirst or second as the Presidential nom-inee (vying with the party’s presumedfront-runner, Sen. John McCain). Inpolls of the general electorate, he edgesout Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, theleading choice of Democrats.
Why, then, would he hesitate to run?Though he’s tough on law and orderand knows how to cut budgets andlower taxes, socially conservative Re-publicans, who have a strong say in
determining their party’s nominee,disagree with him on his pro-choice,pro-gay rights, and pro-gun controlpositions. “We have probably irrecon-cilable differences on life and family,”Rev. Jerry Falwell said in a recent tele-vision interview. “I couldn’t supporthim for President.” Neither, appar-ently, could Paul Weyrich, one of thebellwethers of the conservative move-ment, who calls Giuliani “quite unac-ceptable” as the nominee.
Giuliani’s response is that the Re-publican Party needs to be a broadtent, embracing moderates like him,to stay in power. And, past a certainpoint, he doesn’t concern himself withnaysayers. In his book Leadership, hewrites, “Occasionally your principleswill differ from the official party line.True leadership requires choosing, inevery instance, the position that al-lows you to sleep at night.”
Come November 2008, the publicwill make a similar choice. In thesedisturbing times, which leader willhelp them sleep at night? For the vot-ers, Rudy Giuliani has a story to tell:Remember 9/11.
W H AT A R E F R I E N D S FO R ?
While staying at a country resort, my wife and I be-friended the handyman, who told us about a greatcottage his neighbor had up for sale. We instantlyfell in love with it, buying it on the spot. The daywe moved in, our new friend dropped by. “You got
a good buy,” he said, “even if the roof leaks, plumbing’sshot and the well runs dry in the summer.”
“Why didn’t you tell us all that before we bought it?” I demanded.He replied, “We weren’t neighbors then.” becquet.com
Homeschool successstory: Celeste Land withdaughter Leila Gilesand son Adam Giles.
PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHRIS HARTLOVE 183
Three very different families reveal theirsecrets to successB Y W I L L I A M B E A M A N
When it comes to education, our children are introuble. Up to a quarter of them don’t finish highschool. Of those who do and go on to college,more than four in ten need remedial classes.That’s hardly a surprise given the results of arecent U.S. Department of Education study,which found that just one in three eighth-graders scored at grade level in reading, mathor science.
There are plenty of reasons for all that fail-ure—from a stultifying school bureaucracy toreform-resistant teachers unions to poorly
Student
Raise an How to
qualified teachers. But some stu-dents—even those in the worstschools—do manage to succeed. Arethey simply smarter? Or do they havesome hidden character trait that givesthem an edge?
Dozens of studies have shown thatthe most consistent indicators of stu-dent achievement—more than incomeor social status—are the home envi-ronment and parental involvement.The ultimate example: the demonstra-ble success of homeschooled students(there are now more than 1 million inthe country). One recent Columbia
University study found homeschool-ers outscoring all other groups on col-lege entrance exams.
But homeschooled children aren’tthe only ones with involved parents.Academically successful kids in tra-ditional public and charter schoolsalso get lots of support at home. Wevisited three families facing differentcircumstances to find out exactly howthey’ve managed to raise A+ kids.
It All Begins With BooksA slender, self-possessed 15-year-
old, Leila Giles has accomplishedthings that would make any parentproud. Tae kwon do trophies sit onher bureau, alongside others for div-ing. A Girl Scout Silver Award honors
her work in producing public serviceannouncements about water conser-vation for local TV. During the winter,she served as a page in the VirginiaHouse of Delegates. And last year shescored in the 99th percentile on a na-tional standardized achievement test.
But there’s one thing Leila has neverdone: gone to school. She and her 11-year-old brother, Adam, are being ed-ucated in their Vienna, Virginia, home.Their mother, 44-year-old CelesteLand, a former translator for the fed-eral government, is their main teacher.Their father, Kent Giles, 47, who works
at the National Archives in Washing-ton, D.C., joins the ongoing family tu-torial every evening at dinnertime.
While Land knows what her kidsshould learn—as measured by nation-ally recognized achievement tests—she focuses mainly on something else.
“My job is to be on the lookout foropportunities,” she says, “to see themand present them to my children.” Asa homeschooling parent, she haslearned to view the whole world asan educational laboratory. And it allbegins with how the home is set up.
“We’ve always made sure we hadengaging things throughout the house,”Land says. World maps hang on sev-eral walls. Scrabble and other brain-teasing games cram the shelves. A
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Some students, even those in the worst schools, manage to
succeed. Are they simply smarter?
HOW TO RA ISE AN A+ STUDENT
185
huge supply of LEGOs helped Adamdiscover a love for building. A wealthof art supplies sparked Leila’s passionfor drawing.
Most critical of all, there arebooks—hundreds and hundreds ofbooks, lining shelves and resting ontables. Their parents began reading toLeila and Adam early, instilling a loveof books by example, not pressure.“We let them develop as readers attheir own pace,” Land says. “Leila wasa very early reader; Adam startedreading much later.” And books arestill central to the family’s life.
“Before a trip to Boston, we all readJohnny Tremain together,” Land says.And once in the city, they sought outsites mentioned in the grade schoolclassic about a teenage apprenticeduring the American Revolution.
This book-centric approach is spot-on, say education experts. “One of themost important things you can do isread to your child and encourage read-ing,” says former West Virginia gover-nor Bob Wise, the president of theAlliance for Excellent Education inWashington, D.C. An inability to readwell early can hamper a child’s schoolsuccess for years, with sadly predict-able results. High schoolers in the low-est quartile in academic achievementare 20 times more likely to drop outthan their peers in the highest quartile.
Leila and Adam couldn’t drop outif they tried, because of their parents’commitment to making the largerworld a classroom. Along with edu-cational travel like the Boston trip, thefamily takes in museum exhibits and
plays. When Leila decided she wantedto be in Girl Scouts, Land started atroop. She led Adam’s 4-H club, wherehe came to love woodworking.
Both parents are careful not to im-pose their own interests on their chil-dren. They’re more concerned withgiving them every available tool. “It’sabout letting them be who they are,”says Land. From the way Leila andAdam are performing, it’s also abouthelping them discover all they can be.
Taking a Hard LineBonnie Hernandez, 41, a single
mother of three, lives in public hous-ing on Manhattan’s Lower East Side.A minimum-wage cook’s assistant ata Head Start program, she droppedout of school in the ninth grade andonly lately got back to studying forher general equivalency diploma. Butshe hasn’t let her own academic strug-gles keep her kids from succeeding.
Exhibit A: her daughter Jennifer,who, Hernandez says, graduated froma city public high school among thetop students in her class, and scoredin the 98th percentile on New York’srigorous math Regents Exam. Now 20,she plans to attend a local college.
The brick building where the Her-nandezes live may look bleak and for-bidding from the outside, but stepinside the three-bedroom apartmentthe family calls home and you entera world that’s cozy and inviting. Onething that keeps it that way is Hernan-dez’s strict set of rules. They includethe basics: no drugs, and no sleepingaround (she’s got a pretty good idea of
what other kids aredoing). She’s strict in other ways.When her youngest son, Joshua, 13,had a chance to attend a high schoolin a distant part of the city, she balkedat the idea of his traveling so far onhis own. Instead, she insisted he enrollin school closer to home. Now, he says,“she watches me out the window.”
She never stops watching. “I try tomonitor as much as I can,” says Her-nandez. “I am nosy. I will go throughyour drawers. I will go under yourmattress. Definitely. I want to know. Iwant to know what’s bothering you.”
Hernandez understands that beingdeeply involved in her children’s lives has made a difference in theireducation. To do it, she had to swallowher pride.
“There were things I was unable to
help them with—homework. But I wasn’t embarrassed,” she says. “Icalled people and said, ‘How can I dothis?’ The moment you close yourmind from embarrassment, you closeit to knowledge.”
Hernandez, a poor reader herself,knew she had to get her kids readingearly on to give them a chance. So shetook them regularly to local public li-braries. “I pushed it on them,” shesays. “They had their library cards al-ready at three years old.” At night,she read aloud to them despite beingso tired “my head would drop.”
She also kept an eye out for recre-ation programs, and when she heardabout an art program, she asked ifshe could get a discount by volun-teering a few hours each week. Recently Hernandez’s older son, 18-
year-old Joey, got into trouble atschool and started to dress in whatHernandez sniffs at as a “gangster”look. Her response: “You’re taking thespace of someone who wants to makesomething of himself,” she says. Thistough love may just be hitting themark. Joey has begun working withdisabled children, and recently toldhis mother how wonderful it was tobe able to read to a third-grader whocouldn’t read himself. Says Hernan-dez, “It felt like he was passing on agift that I’d given him.”
Time to Take ChargeSusan Price knew something wasn’t
right. Her younger daughter, Arianna,a fourth-grader in a Tucson privateschool, was getting excellent grades.
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• Goals and rules are important.
Set and stick to them.
• The mind works best when
the body is well cared for. Proper
diet and sleep are critical.
• If limits on “screen time” seem
helpful, apply them.
• Read often to young children
so they come to love books.
• Be aware of the world around
you; use every chance to analyze
and discuss whatever you see.
• Use waiting time to play “brain
games”: Estimate your grocery-
cart total in the checkout line.
6 Tips for Parents
RD I SEPTEMBER 2006
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But Price, a lawyer, always lookedthrough the homework done by Ari-anna and her older daughter, Mirissa.Arianna’s math folder showed a dis-tinct void, which made it look like shewas actually having a problem withmath. Price decided to investigate.When she visited the school, she says,she was not impressed with theteacher.
Price, 46, decided to spend the nextsix months tutoring Arianna and aclassmate. She taught them not onlyfourth-grade math but also more ad-vanced work. Visits to education sup-ply stores kept her up to speed onmaterials and requirements. The fol-lowing year, Arianna switched to apublic school—and the rising fifth-grader scored so well that she quali-fied to take a sixth-grade math class.
Arianna and Mirissa are both main-taining A averages, and their mother’sintense involvement is a big reasonwhy. The sisters, now 12 and 14, havemoved on to a public charter schoolthat Price investigated online at a site
that offers report cards on the state’spublic schools. It has proved to be awonderful fit, especially because theschool curriculum emphasizes math.
Price has always had input into herchildren’s learning. She and her hus-band, John, read to their daughters “allthe time.” As a result, they becameavid readers who take part in a locallibrary’s book club each summer. Thesisters also acquainted themselveswith computers, starting at age threeat their pre-school.
To Price, one of the most valuablethings she does sounds so simple: Shemakes sure to pick the girls up afterschool each day. “That’s when theytell me everything that’s happening intheir lives, during those drives home,”she says. And what does she do withthe information and insights she gets? “When we need to get involved,”she says, “we do.”
Precisely. Additional reporting by GARANCE FRANKE-RUTA
Share your tips for helping your kidsexcel in school. Visit rd.com/student.
F I R ST I N WA R , F I R ST I N P E A C E ,
L A ST TO L E AV E A PA RT Y
Jimmy Kimmel couldn’t believe it. “Historiansjust found a document that showed a list ofliquor George Washington wanted for his NewYork headquarters, including a keg of brandy, abox of claret, a box of fortified wine, a basket ofcordials, and two kinds of cheese,” he said onJimmy Kimmel Live. “So not only was GeorgeWashington the father of our country, he also invented the mini-bar.”
SUPERSTORM
A tornado halfa mile wide washeaded straight
for town
ByChristopher W.Davis
Photographed by Tamara Reynolds
B O N U S R E A D
192
On Easter,theRev. Walter W.Asher and hisflock gatheredwhere theirchurch oncestood.
National Weather Service
Storm Prediction Center
Norman, Oklahoma
Saturday, April 1, 2006
11:59 p.m.: Warm front
extending across Missouri
into the southeastern U.S. ...
Moist, unstable air,
mid-Mississippi region.
Possible tornadoes.
Sunday, April 2, 2006, 5:30 p.m.
Dyer County, Tennessee
The picture windows in Rick and Laura Gregory’shome looked west over cotton fields toward theMississippi River and the boot heel of Missouri beyond.As the sun went down, it played tricks with the sky, paint-ing it yellow and orange. The news crawl at the bottomof the TV screen in the Gregorys’ family room said“Tornado watch.”
Laura was in the kitchen preparing an early dinner. Her husband, Rick, apatrol sergeant for Dyer County, had just come off duty. If a storm struck,he’d have to go back out again. She wanted to get some food in him first.
Then the newscasters came on to report that a tornado had hit Mar-maduke, Arkansas, 60 miles to the west. When they started talking aboutCaruthersville, directly across the Mississippi, Rick was sure they were infor it. He quickly finished his supper. Without a storm cellar, people said,the bathroom was the safest place. He turned to Laura and told her to gettheirs ready. If you hunker down in the tub with a cell phone, a candle anda battery-powered radio, you’ll be okay. What Rick was about to see over thenext 48 hours would change that belief forever.
The previous weekend, Vanice and Larry Parker hadmoved into their new ranch house with cypress wood siding on Meacham
The Parkers had
just finished
decorating
their dream
house when the
twister hit.
194
Road. They’d taken their time building, adding custom touches to the houseand a large cabinetry workshop in the side yard. Having lived down theroad for ten years, they already knew their new neighbors by sight—JanieKing, the Hickmans and the McAndrews.
Vanice and Larry had spent most of Sunday rearranging furniture, tryingdifferent configurations for the dining and living room areas. They un-packed boxes and planted a few trees. The day was unusually warm forApril, so Vanice opened the windows in the living room. There was a nicebreeze blowing in the afternoon.
At about 6:30, Larry announced, “I think we should call it a night. Let’sget our baths, fix something to eat and watch some cable.”
Being so busy with the move, it seemed like ages since they had just sat down to relax. They hurried, Vanice to take a bath, Larry a shower, be-fore they caught the film starting at 7 p.m. Grabbing snacks, they settleddown on the sofa in pajamas just as the movie Crash began.
195
196
Climbing into his patrol car, Rick Gregorythen pulled onto Route 103 West, which ran straight as a chalk line throughfallow cotton fields seven miles to the Mississippi River. He heard a fellowdeputy on the radio calling Dispatch, asking if there were any warnings outyet. “Warnings” was the term that was used when radar readings indicatedtornado conditions. No, Dispatch answered, no warnings yet.
Rick got on the radio and told the team, “I’m heading down to the GreatRiver Road to watch.”
As he drove, Rick began to study the sky. He had never seen anythinglike it, never had such a ringside seat right on the edge of a super cell T-storm.It was as if the road was acting as a boundary. The entire sky to the left, south-ward, was a pleasant, warm blue with golden sunlight. But everything tothe north was a roiling, pitch-black mass of the meanest-looking cloud coverhe’d ever seen.
He pulled up at the intersection of 103 and Great River Road, and just satand watched. Two ducks flew by, moving with the wind. To Rick it looked
Rick Gregory
saw the sky
turn pitch-
black and the
tornado begin
to form.
SUPER STORM
197
like they were going 100 miles an hour. He craned his neck out the car win-dow and stared at the clouds. He could make out a distinct clockwise rota-tion taking shape.
Samantha Stanfield had been monitoring the weatherreports all day. Her home was in Dyersburg, but her father, Joseph, Sr., 69,lived alone up on Harness Road in a place he’d spent his whole life. Hiswife and parents were buried in a little graveyard out back.
Because it was east of a bluff, his house had always managed to avoid thestrafing of storms. Local lore held that tornadoes were forced to go aroundthe bluff to the north or south. So whenever bad weather was afoot, Samanthaand her husband would pack up the kids and drive the seven miles to rideout the storm at Poppy’s. His house was the center for all family gather-ings anyway. Holiday dinners, out-of-towners’ visits, birthday parties—anyspecial occasion would always be hosted at Poppy’s. It was family head-quarters. And Poppy’s neighbors—Sid Bruce, Steve Harness, and theTaylors—had grown up together. They were as close as family.
But by early evening the reports coming in had Samantha concerned.Tornadoes had touched down in points that made a direct line towardHarness Road. When the sirens in Dyersburg went off, she called her father.
“Ah,” Poppy said. “It’ll never hit out here.” Then the line went dead.Samantha called him right back. It rang and rang. Finally he answered. “Honey!” Poppy said, urgency in his voice. “I’m going to have to get off
here! I think the roof’s about to come off the house.” He screamed some-thing she could not make out, and the line went dead again—for good.
Just15minutesintoCrash,Vanice and LarryParker, sitting with the windows still open, heard click-click-clicking noisesoutside. “It’s hailing,” Vanice said.
“Golly, it sure is,” Larry said. Then they heard a roaring, grinding sound like a huge cement truck back-
ing toward the house.“Is that a tornado?” Larry asked. “It sounds like it.”“I don’t know,” Vanice said. As they ran down the hall toward the west-facing bedroom, they saw it.
Huge, dark, sucking up the earth and coming right for them. This wasn’t any
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SUPER STORM
familiar funnel dancing across thelandscape. It was an apocalyptic blackcurtain cutting off the sky, whippinground and round, snapping trees inhalf, tearing everything up. They hadnowhere to go, no basement, nowhereto hide. Larry tried pulling the mat-tress off the bed to cover them in the tub, but it was too heavy and hecouldn’t budge it.
He and Vanice lay down side by sidein the bathtub. She wrapped her armsaround her husband. The porcelainwas still wet from Vanice’s bath. Theroar got louder. Louder than theythought noise could get. Their earsstarted popping as air being suckedinto the vortex created a low-pressurezone. They could feel the whole housevibrating in their bones, shaking as vi-olently as in an earthquake. Larryreached up and took hold of thefaucet. He grasped it as if it were hislast hold upon the earth. A split sec-ond later the lights went out.
“Hold on!” Larry yelled. “Here it is!”
After watching themonster tornado drop out of theclouds and head toward his home,Rick Gregory pushed the gas pedal tothe floor. “I’ve got to get home beforeit does,” he said into the radio.
On his cell phone he told Laura, “It’son the ground. And I can’t tell whichway it’s heading. Take cover!”
©2006 The Glad Products Co.
Seals and reseals tightlyto help keep food fresh.
The category F 3
storm cut an
18-mile path
of destruction
through Dyer
County.
SUPER STORM
201
Racing alongside the cotton fields, he watched the quarter-mile-widestorm twist steel power-line towers like pretzels. Then the full force ofthe storm slammed into the bluff, bounced off, stalled, tried again, and a third time.
It’s trying to build steam to get over the bluff, he said to himself.Finally, the massive cloud headed off to the left, away to the north and east.
Sure that it had bypassed his house, Rick turned toward the bluff, chasingthe vortex of wind. Already reports were coming in about homes damagedand people trapped. He headed up the road to the bluff, where he wasstopped by a morass of huge, old trees. Uprooted, snapped and twistedapart, they blocked the narrow, winding road completely.
Rick got out of his car and started to run through the devastation. He hadbeen up and down this road a thousand times—now he didn’t recognizethe area at all.
TheRev. WalterW.Asher of Christ United Meth-odist Church in Millsfield normally lets his Sunday evening service outpromptly at 7 p.m. When folks emerged from the small 120-seat church onthis Sunday evening, the sky to the west was very dark.
“You better stay here,” one of his parishioners told him. “You don’t wantto be out there driving in that storm when it hits.”
The Ashers lived 25 miles away to the north in Obion County, and itseemed unlikely the storm would strike that far north. “Maybe I can beatit home,” he said.
Rev. Asher and his wife left at about 7:20. They beat the worst of thestorm, though they were hit with a good amount of hail, which was fol-lowed by a dead calm. But Asher was concerned about his congregation.“Let’s head back down that way and see what happened,” he told his wife.
As they turned around, his cell phone rang. It was one of his parishionerscalling. “They told me to tell you,” she said. “The church is gone.”
Downed trees were everywhere, and policewere waving drivers away when Samantha got to within a quarter-mile ofthe turnoff to Poppy’s. There was a child trapped under a house, she wastold, and they weren’t letting anyone through. But she knew the back trails.She called a friend with access to a four-wheeler, and they pushed over theJ
OH
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OC
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AP
IM
AG
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RD BONUS READ I SEPTEMBER 2006
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rutted paths toward Harness Road. Along the way, they passed people wan-dering in the opposite direction like dazed refugees trying to make their wayout of a war zone.
Through the rain and darkness, Samantha could hear people screaminghysterically. Power lines were spitting sparks in the dark. The rain camedown intermittently, cold and pitiless. Finally, even the four-wheeler couldgo no farther. Samantha and her friend got out and walked on, winding theirway through a gnarled maze of downed trees.
When the tornado finally passed,Vaniceand Larry Parker emerged from the bathtub and went to the living room.The furniture they’d been arranging and rearranging all day was piled in aheap in the dining room. Leaves and debris were scattered everywhere.Some of the screens on the open windows were blown in; others wereblown out. Insulation had been sucked out of the wall, and ventilation ductspopped out of the floor. Somehow, though, their dream house had held to-gether against the nightmare. They were two of the lucky ones.
Vanice opened the front door. A flash of lightning illuminated a ravagedbattlefield: Two houses on the McAndrews’ property directly across thestreet, the stone main house and a smaller frame structure, used by their col-lege-age son and daughter, were gone, just gone.
Vanice felt herself go limp as she dialed 911 on her cell phone. “My neigh-bor’s house has just been blown away by a tornado,” she told the operator.
“Help is on the way,” the dispatcher replied. Then Vanice’s phone wentdead. She stepped back outside. That’s when she saw the young people,the two McAndrew kids and three of their friends, screaming and crying,running from the rubble across the way.
Oh, thank God they’re alive, Vanice thought. But as the youngsters gotcloser, she saw terror in their eyes. “Where’s your mom?” she asked. “Where’syour dad?”
They were out to dinner in town. The kids had been in the smaller housewatching television when one of their parents called and warned themabout the approaching tornado. The kids went outside, saw the storm tow-ering across the sky, and had only seconds to run for cover in the basementof the stone house. No sooner had they huddled together in one cornerthan the house was ripped apart. Shattered remnants collapsed into the
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basement, filling it with rubble. Only the spot where they hid was spared. The frame house where they had been and two more homes nearby were
swept off the face of the earth. The King and Hickman houses took a directhit. The bodies of Janie King, a former teacher, and Travis Hickman, a re-tired lineman, were found that night. Eighty-seven-year-old Estelle Hickman,who lived with her son, was found the next morning. All three had been car-ried across a gully more than a quarter-mile away.
Walkingthroughthewarzone toward Poppy’splace, Samantha had remained calm and determined, but when she finallycame around the corner where she knew she should be able to see thehouse, she began freaking out. All she saw were car lights shining on the bar-ren side of the hill where Poppy’s house should have been. She started torun. Poppy was sitting in the backseat of his car, all the windows bustedout. He was dressed in white socks, white boxers and a white T-shirt, cov-ered with blood and glass, holding an open umbrella, and trembling.
When Poppy had felt the roof coming off, he’d run for the bathroom inthe center of the house. He got into the tub, but before he could slide thedoor shut, he knew that was it. He braced himself, closed his eyes, then felthimself sucked up into the air as the house blew apart above and around him.
What happened next is unclear. But when he opened his eyes, all he couldsee was a tangle of coat hangers. He groped his way out, pulling stuff off,and finally found himself lying on the lawn.
His 3,200-square-foot split-level ranch house had vanished. The first thingPoppy did when he got to his feet was walk behind the foundation to makesure the tombstones of his wife and parents were still there. Then he camearound to the front and saw that his car was parked on the concrete slabwhere his garage had been.
He climbed into the car, and smelled natural gas in the air. He was somuddled, he thought that starting the engine might trigger an explosion. Sohe put the car into neutral and pushed it back out of the garage area towardthe street. And there he sat, with the headlights on, holding an umbrella toshield himself from the rain, glass all over him, a piece of wood stuck in hisleg, a nail embedded in the back of his neck, trembling in the cold, notknowing what on earth to do but wait.
The house belonging to his neighbor, Sid Bruce, had been leveled. Sid’s
RD BONUS READ I SEPTEMBER 2006
dog was hiding under the truck growling at anyone who came near. RickGregory joined the rescue effort, and searchers found Mr. Bruce’s bodyburied in the rubble. Steve Harness, in the home nearby, was okay, but in thenext house down the road, Bill and Wanda Fay Taylor were not. That wasthe eeriest thing Rick had seen all night. The Taylors were found lying sideby side, as if they had just gone to bed, right where the house had been,family photographs strewn around them.
On Biffle Road, east of Harness, there was another heartbreak. A youngman and woman showed up and told people that their 11-month-old sonhad been in the house; the father’s mother and stepfather were baby-sitting while the couple were having dinner in town. Volunteers searched.The bodies of all three were found in a field across the road.
It was about 2 a.m. before Patrolman Rick Gregorygot home and collapsed into bed. His house had been untouched. The nextday he was up early to take a look at the devastation from a helicopter. Hehad seen some wild stuff in his day, but this storm was in a class all its own.
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After the
deluge, Poppy’s
family still
held an egg
hunt at home
on Easter.
The tornado was a category F 3 storm with winds up to 200 miles perhour. It had been a half-mile wide, and carved an 18-mile-long path throughDyer County. In all, 24 lives were lost in Tennessee that evening, 16 of themin Dyer County and 8 in neighboring Gibson. According to the Red Cross,141 single-family homes were completely destroyed, and 80 homes sus-tained major damage, all in areas that were not densely populated.
For the next week, it seemed like all Rick and his fellow deputies did waspatrol Harness Road to keep looters and gawkers away, and to try to main-tain some kind of order. After a couple of days, deputies were saying they’dhad enough. They wanted duty in another part of the county.
Talesof amazing coincidence,heroism andheartbreaking tragedy gradually spread across the county. There was thecouple who survived when the husband lay on top of his wife holding herdown on the floor while the wind pulled the rings off their fingers and theearrings from her ears. The farmer whose 5,000-pound three-bottom break-ing plow had been moved 300 yards. A herd of miniature horses were foundacross the street from where they were penned—all survived save one.
At Rev. Asher’s ruined church, the door of the mailbox had been rippedoff, but the mail inside was undisturbed. A time capsule was found in thefoundation of the church. It traced the history of the congregation backto 1904. Rev. Asher made photocopies and handed them out with songsheets (all the hymnals were lost) at Easter service, which was held at anearby grammar school gym. Asher said they should make another timecapsule for the new church, complete with copies of newspaper storiesabout the storm.
That Easter Sunday, Samantha Stanfield’s young nieces wanted to do whatthey always did on Easter—go to Poppy’s house. Even if there was no house.So they did. The entire family, including Poppy, drove up to Harness Road.Poppy talked about the trees, how all the big, pretty trees he had grown uparound were gone. In his lifetime, he would never see them like that again.Samantha, at 32, knew that she probably would not either, though her kidsmight. The house was torn apart, but the family wasn’t. The children cele-brated Easter with an egg hunt on the foundation where Poppy’s houseonce stood.
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See footage of this tornado at rd.com/twister.
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Sports HeroesSave Lives 218
The Hot NewCookbook 222
Spa-tacularParty Ideas 225
What’s Buggin’Your Pet 228
HEALTH ■ FOOD ■ MONEY ■ YOU ■ CARS ■ PETS ■ HOME
Most teens gainweight whenthey go to
college. Daphne Oz(daughter of RD’s ownDr. Oz) lost weight!Slim-eating secretsfrom her book, TheDorm Room Diet:
Water works Drinkhalf of your bodyweight in ounces ofwater (a 150-poundperson would drink 75ounces a day) to helpsuppress your appetite.
Do themath Beforeyou eat acandy bar or someother fattening treat,stop and count yourage. Much of this eat-ing is impulsive, andyou don’t take the timeto think about whetheryou really want to eator not. If you still wanta bite after your count-
down, feel free:You’ve made a
conscious decision. Slim salads Use
your own healthysalad dress-ing made
with oliveoil, balsamic vine-gar, a dash of soysauce and a tea-spoon of mustard.
Unwrap your sandwich A tortillawrap is a much morecondensed form ofcarbs than regularbread and has almosttwice the calories oftwo pieces of bread.
RDHEALTH
KR
IST
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Even on the daysyou just don’t feel
like going towork, you still go, right?It’s the same with exercise.”
Professionalvolleyball player
GABRIELLEREECE in
InStyle
“The Dorm Room Diet, by
Daphne Oz (Newmarket Press)
THE TRUTH ABOUT HEALTH NEWS You read anews item about a “groundbreaking”study that’s sure to change the way weeat. But the short piece doesn’t tell youthat the study included only 12 people,and that other experts disagree withthe findings. To help you make moreinformed decisions about your healthcare, experts at HealthNewsReview.orgrate articles from newspapers, weeklymagazines and websites. Each story isscored, taking into account whether ornot it includes info such as the qualityof scientific evidence, risks, alternativetreatments and costs. NEENA SAMUEL
Student of Weight Loss
ILLUSTRATED BY CHIP WASS216
218
RDHEALTH
“You have to give up something to get something.” WhenNBA center Alonzo Mourning announced he was sufferingfrom anemia and a rare kidney disease in 2003, many felthis career was over. But Mourning, then 33, was determinedto bounce back. “Once I prepared my mind, my body
responded.” In addition to getting his transplant, he gave upfried foods, sweets and alcohol, and found a medication to
combat the fatigue (reboundfromanemia.com). Then hehelped his Miami Heat win the 2006 NBA title.
“Raise money for a cure—it will help you cope.” AfterNFL quarterback Boomer Esiason and wife Cheryl learnedtheir son Gunnar had cystic fibrosis, they went on the of-fensive and started a foundation (esiason.org) to increaseawareness and fund research for the life-threatening lungdisease. Over ten years later, they’ve raised $50 million. “Idon’t care if it’s a car wash, bake sale or lemonade stand, collectively we can have a major impact,” Esiason says.
“Don’t ignore your symptoms.” NHL center Rem Murray dismissed his neck spasms, but an ER visit revealed cervical dystonia, a disabling movement dis-
order. After a year and a half of treatment and physicaltherapy, Murray was on the ice fighting for the StanleyCup. “I tried to stay positive and never felt sorry for
myself.” For more info: dystonia-foundation.org.
“Work with a doctor.” The 12th inning of a crucial playoffgame, Dodgers v. Mets: Dodgers manager Tommy Lasordahad reason to be stressed, but his body just felt wrong, likea wet dishrag. Later, a doctor visit revealed hypertension.Now Lasorda is urging others to take it seriously (bpcoach approach.com). “God gave me a warning, and I realized it.That’s what I’m trying to do—tell people to talk to a doctorabout lifestyle changes and medication.” CYNTHIA DERMODY
Athletes Fighting A NEW BATTLE Four sports stars committed to health causes
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My supermarket doesn’t always havehigh-quality produce, and there’s no
farmers’ market near me. Any ideas?
I have the same problem: The grocery storenear my weekend home in upstate New
York has a produce section that could turn thestaunchest vegetarian into a raging carnivore. So locals have banded together to create a foodco-op. This allows us to buy high-quality organicvegetables and other goods at wholesale prices.Some members contribute time; others pay a clubfee. (We pick up a week’s worth of produce at each outing.) There are thousands of food co-opsaround the country. Some haveevolved into large stores; oth-ers are still one-day eventsheld at a member’s home orfarm. The group buying powergives you high-quality goodsfor less than grocery-store prices. You canfind a co-op near youat coopdirectory.orgor localharvest.org.Use your bounty tocreate this dish (atleft), a favorite at arecent potluck at thePeople’s Food Co-opin Portland, Oregon.
MOLLY O’NEILL
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Garden’s BountyServe this fresh vegetable mélange asan autumn appetizer.1⁄2 cup olive oil12 garlic cloves, peeled3 large eggplants, cut
into 1-inch cubes 3 teaspoons salt
1⁄2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 tomatoes, diced1⁄2 cup fresh basil
leaves
In a large heavy pot,warm 1⁄2 cup oil overmedium heat. Addgarlic and cook untilgolden. Add eggplants,toss, and cook untilsoftened, adding moreas room allows and oilas needed. Add saltand pepper; cover andremove from heat. Letstand 20 minutes.Combine the tomatoand basil in separatebowl. When eggplanthas cooled, addtomato mixture. Stir;add salt and pepper totaste. Serve warm orcold. Feeds 20. M.O.
New Way to Get Fresh
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(BOOK) PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHRISTINE BRONICO222
HEALTHY LUNCH BOX IDEAS
LET'S EAT!
Edie despain ofLogan, Utah, lovesto cook. She’s been
at it since she was a girl,helping her mom feedthe family. When Ediehad children of her own,she used them as guineapigs, experimenting withrecipes. In 1997 her first one, ToffeeCoffee Cake, was published in Tasteof Home, a Reader’s Digest maga-zine. Since then, over 19 have ap-peared in the reader-generatedmagazine. This month, The Taste ofHome Cookbook hits stores. It’spacked with over 1,200 recipes, allfrom home cooks. Edie, 66, is themost prolific, with 5 recipes in the
book, from Poppy Seed FruitSalad to Melon Ambrosia.She created her Chive-HamBrunch Bake using what shehad on hand (chives, ham,cheese, tomatoes) for a party.“Everyone loved it. They allwanted the recipe.” So shesent it to the magazine. It
was published in 2001.The new must-have cookbook has
splash guards to keep pages clean,with plenty of tips and tricks to bet-ter your cooking. Buy it in stores,order it online at countrystorecatalog.com (item # 35830) or call800-558-1013. It’s $29.95 plus ship-ping. And visit rd.com/TOH formore of Edie’s recipes. PATRICIA CURTIS
Kids sick of PB&J? Try these healthier options:• Make sandwiches with preservative-freeHormel Natural Choice Deli Sandwich Meats. Allare low in fat with no trans fat.• Kraft has reformulated its Lunchables line withless fat, sugar and salt.• Pack Horizon Organic’s single-serve 2% milkin 4 yummy flavors.• Tropicana FruitWise strips and bars provideone to two servings of fruit. • Earthbound Farm Organic Apple Slices won’tturn brown; kids love Carrot Dippers with Ranch. • Try Everybody’s Nuts! pistachios, in 4 flavors.• Need a traditional kid snack? Annie’s Home-grown Chocolate Chip Bunny Grahams have or-ganic wheat flour and no saturated or trans fat.
42% of Americans saythey eat dinnerin front of theTV every day.
SOURCE: Allrecipes.com &USA Weekend
More Than Just a Taste of Home
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Her House Is Worth WHAT?Wanting to know what your friend, neighbor or boss paid for his house is a nat-ural urge, like rubbernecking. Now you can find out easily. All you need is an address. Then visit zillow.com, realestateabc.com or coldwellbanker.com and“zillow” your friends. These sites tap public databases for the info. So far, Zillowhas estimates for 48 million of the country’s 88 million homes on the site.
Most assessments on these sites are within 10% of what an on-site appraiserwould come up with, says Bob Johnson, executive director of the National Asso-ciation of Real Estate Appraisers. “No one would use these sites for professionalpurposes, but they’re fun,” says Johnson. So go ahead and spy away—just don’tput up the “for sale” sign on your home without doing a bit more research. C.D.
If you’re eligible, yes. And youprobably are. It used to be thatyou needed a certain employer
to join. Now, just living in a specificarea might be all you need to cash inon higher interest rates for depositaccounts and lower rates on loans.
Recently, the average interest rateon a credit union (CU) money mar-ket account was 0.75 of a pointhigher than the bankaverage; the typicalCU credit-card inter-est rate was nearly3 points lowerthan a bank-is-sued card.
“In the longrun, that can really add up tosavings,” says Jan
Dahlin Geiger of the Financial Plan-ning Association, who has been aCU member for 35 years.
At CUs, which are nonprofit,earnings are returned to the mem-bers in the form of lower loan ratesor services such as free checking.The one thing you won’t save anymoney on: 30-year mortgage rates.CUs and banks tend to have similar
rates. Not sure
where to finda CU? Visit
www.creditunion.coopor call 800-358-5710. Andyou may still want to
keep a bank accountfor easier ATM
access.CYNTHIA DERMODY
Should YouJoin a CreditUnion?
You can buy just about anything—from T-shirts to T-bones—with giftcards. But don’t forget to ask aboutexpiration dates, or dormancy feesthat reduce the card’s value.
MARIA’S TIP OF THE MONTH
MariaBartiromo
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BABY YOURHANDSRoxanne Guy, presi-dent-elect of theAmerican Society of Plastic Surgeons, offers at-home tips foryounger hands:
Prep Use prescrip-tion Retin-A or a drug-store cream with alphahydroxy acid (EucerinPlus, Aqua Glycolic) toexfoliate. Retin-A alsoboosts collagen, dimin-ishing the look of veins.
Fade Lighten agespots with hydro-quinone (OTCs likePorcelana and Eso-térica contain 2%, butyour doctor can write ascript for one with 4%).
Dress ’em up In astudy, people thoughthands adorned withjewelry and manicureslooked younger thanthey actuallywere. C.D.
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RDYOU
You and your tightly wound friends could re-ally use a day at a spa—but thinking aboutthe cost only makes you more stressed. Solu-
tion: Host a spa party at home, for hundreds less.Set the mood Light candles, set out stacks of
magazines and snacks, and play relaxing music.Hire an almost-pro Facialists can charge $100
an hour; manicurists charge extra too. Better: Aska local beauty school about hiring a student (findone at beautyschoolsdirectory.com). You mightpay as little as $5-$12 each for a manicure or $10-$20 for a facial, says Anthony Fragomeni of theAmerican Association of Cosmetology Schools.
Get a mini-massage Full-body massages aver-age about $100 an hour. Hire a pro for chair mas-sages, for about $1 a minute, says Mary Beth Braunof the American Massage Therapy Association.
Rent a mobile spa If cost isn’t a problem butconvenience is, bring in the experts. The nation-wide chain Relax & Rejuvenate charges $110 permassage, facial or mani/pedi. Find a mobile spanear you at mobilehomespa.com.
Zone out Pop in a fitness DVD (try The Firm:Power Yoga or Basic Yoga Workout for Dummies,both available at collagevideo.com) and do groupyoga to calm down and tone up. CYNTHIA DERMODY
Debbie schwartz’s 16-year-old daughter knewthe rule, and broke it by giving friends a rideback from a basketball game. Schwartz found
out only because a stranger saw this bumpersticker on the girl’s car: “How is my teen driving?1-866-4-R-Teens.” A day later, Schwartz got this e-mail report: “Black car full of teenage girls cutgentleman off. Were too preoccupied with conver-sation to heed his horn. Nearly clipped him.”
The bumper sticker was part of a new programthat Schwartz created with another Los Angelesmom to monitor their kids’ driving habits. For $60a year (at 18664RTeens.com) you get a stickerwith a number that drivers can use to identify yourcar when they call.
Schwartz had a chat with her daughter. “Nowshe’s aware people are watching her, so she’s driv-
ing more carefully,” Schwartz says.
Do mileage-boosting
products reallywork?
The EPA hastested a bunch
of these products, including pills, liquidadditives and mag-nets, and none ofthem substantiallyboosts mileage. Someof these products aresold in pyramidschemes that attractinvestors who laterlose their money. Andadding substancesother than gasoline toyour tank could voidyour factory warrantyor damage the emis-sions system. Sorry to say, there’s nomagic bullet: Drivingthe speed limit non-aggressively andmaintaining your carare the only provenways to save gas.
By Phil Reed, con-sumer advice editor,Edmunds.com
Q
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A man in Sacramento kept goingto the DMV in disguise and got 83
driver’s licenses. He spent 95% of hislife standing in line. JAY LENO“
I Spy … a Reckless Teen
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RDPETS
You slather your kids with insect repellent beforethey go outside, but what about your pets? Dogs
and cats can also get bug-borne diseases like Lyme and West Nile. “For fleas andticks, Advantage, Frontline and Revolution are the safest products for parasite con-trol,” says Daniel O. Morris of the University of Pennsylvania School of VeterinaryMedicine. Always ask your vet first, but to shoo skeeters, treat dogs with products
containing permethrin, such as K9 Advantix or the BUZZ OFFbandanna shown here (orvis.com; $15). Don’t use perme-
thrin on cats—it’s toxic to them. Other safeguards:• Remove standing water from around your home,
where mosquitoes breed, and keep animalsinside at dawn and dusk.
• Mow your grass often to control ticks. Ifyour pet goes into grassy or wooded areas,
examine him closely, especially around thehead and inside the ears, every day. If you find a tick,
remove it and take it to your vet for analysis. • Never use bug sprays for humans on pets (these prod-ucts are not formulated for animals). LUCIA RAATMA
Many veterinariansare leaving the clinicand heading home—to
their patients’ homes, that is. Sandra Miller of Creature Comfortsin Burlington, Wisconsin, for exam-ple, travels within a 45-minute radiusin a truck stocked with vaccines,medications and other supplies.
Some pets can become aggressiveor scared when they go to the vet,so an exam is easier on everybody at home, explains John Sohmer, aDallas veterinarian who also takesto the road. “Now 95 percent of mypractice is house calls,” he says.
At-home visits typically involve
routine checkups, vaccinations or treatments. Pets who need x-rays,surgery or other procedures are re-ferred to local clinics. A house callusually costs a bit more than a regu-lar office visit, but many pet ownersthink it’s money well spent. To finda vet who offers the service, visit VetLocator.com. NANCY COVENEY
Doggone Bugs!
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The latest trend in baskets? Vertical shapes andall kinds of new materials, like cloth and metal.Jennifer Litwin, author of Furniture Hot Spots,
found us the perfect bin for every room:
RDHOME
Clutter Busters With Style
1. Living roomAiko oval baskets frompier1.com; $15-$25. “I love theshape and ver-satility—greatfor storing theremote, pensand pads, andDVDs,” saysLitwin.
2. BedroomAbaca 3-drawer storagechest fromcostplus.com;$50. It looksnice enough tobe displayed,and the draw-ers slide openand closed easily.
3. KitchenCanvas stack-ing basketsfrom containerstore.com; $15-$18. “The cloth lightensthe look of bas-kets you usu-ally find inkitchens,”Litwin says.
4. BathroomIto magazinerack frompier1.com; $35.“The metalweave givesthis basket anupdated look,and the verticalshape fits intight spaces,”she says.
5. Kids’ roomSabrina bas-kets, availablein several col-ors, potterybarnkids.com;2 for $44. Goodfor the “littlestuff,” as wellas bigger toysas kids grow.
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Trendy waysto give yourwalls a new
look without drag-ging out the paint cans and tarps:
Bands A cool, modern take onwall borders. Dip the bands in waterand sponge the wall horizontally, vertically or diagonally for a con-temporary look. Easy to take offwith no damage (wallbands.com;$56 per one 15'x13'' band).
Letters The new monogram col-lection from wonderfulgraffiti.comincludes 16 styles of press-on lettersfor names, words or phrases forwalls, doors or furniture ($15-$300).
Murals Actors Julianne Moore
DressUp YourWalls
and Woody Harrelson have them.Choose images of a Tuscan villa or seaside, or order a custom piece,like a photo or child’s artwork, insizes 4'x6' and up. Hang it like wall-paper (muralsyourway.com; $7.95per square foot stock, $8.95 custom).
Wallpaper-by-Numbers Hang itnormally, then color the designs, including pineapples and daisies,with paint, pencil or pen. Use suggested colors, pick your own, orleave it unpainted (2jane.com; $95per 11-yard, 20.5'' roll). C.D.
70% of home-owners let contractorsthey’ve hireduse their bath-rooms; 15%offer, but hopethey won’t. 1%refuse outright.SOURCE: Kimberly-Clark Professional
FASTFACT>> ENERGY BILLS BITING HARD? Replace your five most-used light bulbswith Energy Star-rated ones and save$60 a year. Use a programmable thermo-stat and save $100. Find these tips and
more at energystar.gov/home, a new interactive tool. Click on different areas of
a virtual house to get advice. Keep windowshades and drapes closed in warm weatherand open in daylight hours during winter, for
instance, and only run your bathroom fan for15 minutes. Together, these tips could cut hundredsof dollars from your annual bill. The website is up-dated seasonally, so keep returning—and saving. C.D.
LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES®
ILLUSTRATED BY WESTMACH234
I felt like my boyfriend, Brian, was taking me forgranted. “You’re never home,” I complained. “Allyou want to do is hang out with your buddies. Weonly go out if they’re not available.”
“That’s not true,” Brian protested. “You know I’drather be with you than have fun.”
LISA SIMONS, Schaumburg, Illinois
For the Depart-ment of Low-
ered Expectations:During a road trip, I stopped in a smalltown to grab a biteto eat. When Iwalked into a localpizza place, the firstthing I noticed was a sign on the walladvising “Quality.Service. Price.Pick Any Two.”
P.J., Dallas, Texas
One year my fatherwas in and out of thehospital. Each time, his tireless neighborsstepped in—mowing thelawn, shoveling thedriveway, taking Mom tothe hospital, picking upprescriptions.
After Dad recovered,my mother said, “I’d liketo thank the neighborsfor all they did. Whatwould be somethingthey’d appreciate?”
Dad suggested, “Tellthem we’re moving.”
MARK REILLEY, Washington, D.C.
“Why must I always be the neigh-sayer?”
I got a call from my local library. “The two itemsyou requested are not available,” the librarian in-formed me. “The book on speed reading is overdue,and the person who took out the CD on getting or-ganized has misplaced it.” JASON REID, Madison, Wisconsin
The woman in front ofme at the motor vehiclesoffice was taking the eyetest, first with her glasseson, then off. “Here’s yourlicense,” the examinersaid when she was done.“But there’s a restriction.You need to wear glassesto drive your car.”
“Honey,” the womandeclared, “I need themto find my car.”
NICOLE HAAKE, Mason, Ohio
“Hand wash,” instructedthe label on a garment Ibought for my baby.“Line dry in shade.”
The item?A sun hat.
JENNY FOSTER, Hutchinson, Kansas
Maybe I was overreact-ing, but I couldn’t helpworrying about the qual-ity of care at the localhospital. On a form titled “Some Questionsfor Our Pregnant Patients,” the very firstitem was:
“1. Gender? (checkone) M__ F __.”
JENNIEY TALLMAN, Tyro, Virginia
Looking up from my reading on the subway, I noticed the five people sitting across from me.
A man was studying a Koran. Beside him, two Ortho-dox women mouthed their morning prayers frommatching Jewish prayer books. In the corner awoman perused a book of Christian affirmations.
And next to her sat a man deeply engrossed in The 12-Volt Bible for Boats. FAITH JONES,
in The New York Times
I was thrilled tosee a beautiful bou-quet of flowers await-ing me at the teacherslounge. But I was mystified by the card,which read “With lovefrom A. C. Credmire.”
That evening, I toldmy husband about A. C. Credmire.
“That’s me,” he said,laughing. “When Icalled it in, I’d askedthe florist to sign it‘With love from a secret admirer.’ ”
GERI WILLES, Salt Lake City, Utah
Dad’s satellite dishconked out. When Iwalked into his livingroom, I found my father talking on thephone with the helpdesk. The TV set waspulled away from thewall, and he was star-ing at the mass of tan-gled wires spilling outfrom the back of it. He looked completelyoverwhelmed.
“Tell you what I’m going to do,” Dadsaid to the technician.“I’m going to hang upnow, go to college for a couple of years, thencall you back.”
DANA MARISCA, Long Beach, California
Consumer Information Reader’s Digest may share information about you with reputable companies in order for them to offer you products and services of interest toyou. If you would rather we not share information, please write to Reader’s Digest Customer Service, P.O. Box 7823, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0823.
Published monthly by The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc., 1 Reader’s Digest Rd., Pleasantville, N.Y. 10570. A special Reader’s Digest Large Print for Easier Reading withselected articles from The Digest is published by Reader’s Digest Large Edition, Inc. For details write: Reader’s Digest Large Print for Easier Reading, P.O. Box 8177, Red Oak,Iowa 51591-1177.
Reader’s Digest, (ISSN 0034-0375) (USPS 865-820), Vol. 169, No. 1013, September 2006. © 2006 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved. Unauthorizedreproduction, in any manner, is prohibited. Reader’s Digest, The Digest, and the Pegasus logo are registered trademarks of The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. Marca Registrada.Printed in U.S.A. Periodicals postage paid at Pleasantville, N.Y., and at additional mailing offices. You may cancel your subscription at any time and receive a refund for copiesnot previously addressed. Your subscription will expire with the issue identified above your name on the address label.
POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Reader’s Digest, Box 7809, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0809. SUBSCRIBERS: If the Post Office alerts us that your magazine is undeliverable, we have no further obligation unless we receive a corrected address within one year.
You could earn up to $300for your own funny story. Go to rd.com/joke or seepage 146 for details.
For my 75th birthday my son gave me a beautifulpurse and filled it with 75 one-dollar bills. Thenext day I went shopping and pulled out my fat wad of singles.
The cashier’s eyes bugged out of her head. “Are you a cocktail waitress?” she asked.
“No,” I replied, countingout my money. “An exoticdancer.” HELEN KLEIN, Hayden, Colorado
8. Mud, Fret, Beers
9. Break, Cattle, Foal
10. Wife, Pork, Croon
11. Sheer, Rose, Float
12. Fine, Swimmin’, Wrong
13. Lame, Debt, Scratch
14. Head, Fright, Chew
1. Flop, Crook, Glisten
2. Pin, Brace, Though
3. Versed, Beckoned, Heard
4. Leg, Sorrow, Wheel
5. Bawl, Park, Ransom
6. Sprawl, Tedium, Barge
7. Trap, Shackle, Top
RDCHALLENGE B Y W I L L S H O R T Z
ILLUSTRATED BY RANDALL ENOS236
If you’re ready, willing and able, give this puzzle a go. Find arhyme for each word below so you end up with a familiarthree-word phrase in the form “__, __ and __.” For example,the clue “Took, Sign, Blinker” would lead to the answer“Hook, Line and Sinker.”
Answers: 1. Stop, look and listen; 2. Win, place and show; 3. First, second and third; 4. Beg,borrow and steal; 5. Tall, dark and handsome; 6. Small, medium and large; 7. Snap, crackle andpop; 8. Blood, sweat and tears; 9. Shake, rattle and roll; 10. Knife, fork and spoon; 11. Ear, nose andthroat; 12. Wine, women and song; 13. Game, set and match; 14. Red, white and blue.
OUR AMERICA
“MY SPACE” BY C . F. PAYNE EXCLUSIVELY FOR READER’S DIGESTFor more great C .F. Payne images, go to rd .com/CFPayne
