FIVE NEWS STORIES FROM THE WORLD CUP

CURTESY OF THE ‘WORLD OF BALLS’.

#WOB @worldofballs

A group of England fans lost since Brazil’s last world cup in 1950 have emerged from

the Amazon. The twenty eight men, all now in their eighties, emerged from the largest

forest on earth close to the brand new Manaus stadium, where England will face Italy on

Saturday. Shielding his eyes, leader of the tribe Billy Jeffries, originally from

Bournemouth, said ‘We bring cargo! For barter! You comprendo!.”

Closer questioning revealed the men took a wrong turn the night of England’s shock

defeat at the hands of the USA in Belo Horizonte in 1950. ‘Our eyes must have been

clouded by the tears or summat, because suddenly, I wasn’t looking at Alf Ramsey and

his disgraced teammates anymore, I was staring at a sloth,” said Jeffries, wearing a

tattered handkerchief on his smooth tanned pate and the remains of an Army-issue

string vest.

Asked how they had survived all these years. vice captain Stanley Fishman pointed at

his bald head. ‘We discovered that the perspiration produced by a loyal England

supporter is more deadly than the poison of any tree-frog,” he explained, “We swapped it

with other tribes for victuals. We also founded the jungle’s first Boy Scout group. I have a

wilderness survival badge. Would you like to see it?”

Asked if they wanted complimentary tickets to the England versus Italy clash, the group

declined, saying that they couldn’t stand going through the same experience twice, ‘We

just want to go home and see our wives and middle aged children’ was their reply,

adding “Whatever happened to Alf Ramsey?

Capitalising on increased World Cup interest from the US, discussions are taking place

between FIFA and LucasFilm, to assess the viability of having Death Star as a host venue for

the World Cup.

The space station, familiar to millions from the Star Wars movies, is theoretically perfect for the

competition. Given its distance away from Earth security issues will not arise and only

Americans will be wealthy enough to reach the finals.

A lack of any prior experience of hosting an international sporting event and a history of human

rights atrocities on a massive, galactic scale, have not dissuaded FIFA from awarding the 2022

tournament to Qatar, and so Lucasfilm rate the chances of a similar coup likely.

A provisional FIFA report seen by WOB states “There is a compelling case for a more US-

friendly space-based soccer tournament. The Death Star may lack stadiums presently but has

many highly incentivised Wookie slaves to build them and a robust security infrastructure to

prevent unrest.

Tam Piscay from LucasFilm also pointed out, ‘No other “superweaponised” space station is

football shaped. Woo, yeah!!”

FIFA is also considering the American suggestion that an oval shaped ball could really “add

something else”. After decades of controversy, this approach may be a new start for FIFA and

the World Cup. Or the end of the universe.

The Dutch assault on the big World Cup mountain has been rocked by the dramatic

appearance of what appears to be ARJEN ROBBEN'S real birth certificate.

After years of rumour and gossip about his old wizened man demeanour and the way

he moves exactly like a tricky Scots winger from black and white football, it seems to

suggest that ROBBEN is even OLDER than he looks. If the documents seen by

WOB! are genuine, The Orange Prince of Darkness - as teammates are encouraged

to call him - was born not just a long time ago. But a long long time ago. Maybe

longer. If true this means that Robben is not just the fastest player in the world but

the oldest and fastest player simultaneously, a feat unmatched since Sir Stanley

Matthews was in his pomp.

Earlier today, when WOB! attempted to speak to the Skeletal One himself to see if he

had something of the night about him, Dutch coach Louis Van Gaalsing refused

access, complaining that he was tired of this story cropping up every twenty years.

After bribing a rather cute maid at the Hotel Edam, WOB! has discovered that Count

ROBBEN sleeps in an IKEA coffin, never leaves his room during the day, always

plays in the shade of the stand, is uncomfortable with crosses and claims to have a

garlic intolerance. And doesn't pass to anyone. Ever.

WCRS, the agency behind Betfair’s ultra-successful in-game gambling ad campaign, have publicly apologised to Ray Winston’s family for losing his body.

WOB can reveal that Victor Mellish, the agency account manager in charge of Ray Winston, lost the millionaire actor’s body during the first game of the World Cup. Ray Winston’s head, which he refers to as “my mug, you mug” was surgically removed from his body for the World Cup in a unique operation which Winstone described as “bleedin’ tremendous, like a luvverly gobful of Cliquot”.

“I’d turned away for a second,” said a desperate Mellish, “I was helping my girlfriend, Haroumi, off her penny farthing, and Ray was gone. I haven’t been in to work since.”

Ray Winston’s head has been stuck for 10 days in the annoying bit between television programmes in the UK. Doctors don’t know how long he can survive, but WCRS has opted to send in a second head to keep the jellied eel fan company. “We were concerned that he would die of loneliness, and wouldn’t be able to terrify toddlers as he has done since the start of the World Cup,” said senior account director Tam Piscay, “But we’ve found a suitable head to keep Ray strong.”

WOB spoke to a hopeful Jamie Winstone, as the also-Cockney actress trawled her father’s old East End haunts. “We’re keeping our chins up,” said Jamie. “The East End has changed so much in the last thirty years. We only hope he hasn’t fallen down a manhole or got stuck in the plastic bits they use to keep a lager six-packs together, like that penguin in Happy Feet.”

Ray Winstone’s only friend in Cybersapce.

After a remarkable season where he won every footballing award known to English fans,

except the Premiership, FA and Capital cups, Luis Suarez has criticised the press,

media, fans, children, some but not all dogs and anyone else who doesn’t share his

exact views. Suarez feels people are disrespectful and intolerant of his work.

“You Earthlings don’t get me,” he complained, “Being a Superman is a lonely business,

especially when the goals, success, vast wealth and large cheering crowds fail to

appease this emptiness.” Suarez is particularly disappointed at how his work has been

so misinterpreted “The little people misunderstand me. When I bite an opponent I’m

trying to draw attention to world hunger. When I comment on another player’s skin

colour, it’s in the tradition of satire. Especially when that player is such an easy and

unpopular target.”

According to the Uruguayan superstar, his super success brings him only misery,

unwanted attention and lucrative commercial opportunities. While his achievements on

the pitch are overlooked, with the public only remembering incidents such the handball

and subsequent massed missed penalty celebration in the last World Cup. The Liverpool

legend claims he is making plans to enter another astral plane, where his actions and

motivations will not be questioned.

“My people are neogotiating for me to leave this planet for a new world where I will be

appreciated and not hounded. Where tolerance and the values I believe in hold sway.

Where there is freedom and equality. Somewhere like Real Madrid.”

For More Funny Football

Funny Follow:

@worldofballs

#WOB