Fall down 7 times get up 8!

Helping children build resilience to overcome bullying and “casual cruelty”

“In the past you were what you owned. Now you are what you share.” Charles Leadbetter

Disclaimer, copyright and caveats • This presentation has been written by Stephen Carrick-Davies and forms the basis of training he

has delivered for Parents and other working with vulnerable children across the UK.

• Not all of the training content is included in this presentation and these slides are NOT a training package (either as a whole or in parts) and should not be used as such.

• It is shared on SlideShare for information and guidance only and to contribute to the debate about how the bullying can destroy lives and technology can amplify offline vulnerabilities. (and also protect children).

• It’s great to share but it is not easy to strike the right balance between sharing and copying. Invariably these slides contain content developed by others and Stephen has sought to credit content (including photographs) which have come from other sources at the end of his presentations so please respect the authorship of these slides.

• The content on the slides which Stephen has personally written and produced he has assigned with Creative Commons license. Slides showing this mark can be used for non-commercial purposes, as long the content is credited. see www.creativecommons.org for more info.

• Ultimately Stephen hopes that these slides help others working with vulnerable young people and if you have questions or have other experience to share please contact Stephen directly (see e-mail address at the end).

Close your eyes and try to remember when you were eight years old and most happy at play.

Outside?

Without parental supervision?

GROUP EXERCISE

Involved in something risky?

For how many of you was this experience…

What has changed

for today’s children ?

Outside?

Without parental supervision?

GROUP EXERCISE

Involved in something risky?

Why is Bullying like a Rubik Cube ?

Intimidate

Relationships

Harassment

Physical power

Abuse

Powerlessness

Threats

Coercion

Distress

Teasing

Social Inequality

Emotional

Friendship

Health

Fears

Sadness

Verbal

laughterHopes

And more...

Different external elements can interact at different times which affect the victim personally

Looking at six sides today

DEFINING

IMPACT

CLASSIFYING

PREVENTING

RESPONDING

LEADING

The importance of definition.

Including; Homophobic Sexist , Cyber

Affect on future discrimination ?

Empathy acquisition

ReportingSanctions

Being an advocate

ACTION POINTS

How does bullying feel for a child ?

GUILT They may feel it is

their fault

EXCLUDED The peer group is

everything! Especially online.

INTIMIDATED Of further

repercussions as bully may have threatened, “if

you tell...”ANXIOUS

That their parents and teachers might blame them

for not standing up for themselves.

UNWORTHY They may think of

themselves as failures and not worthy of being

helped.

SCARED & AFRAID Of being physically or

emotionally harmed and that they might make it worse!

And other feelings too!

Ages and Stages

Teacher CoachManager

Protection & Prevention Preparation Participation

Dependency Independence Interdependency

Where are you and your kids?Think about ‘stages’ as well as ages

DEFINING

“Behaviour by an individual or group, usually repeated over time, that intentionally hurts another individual or group either physically or emotionally involving a real or perceived power imbalance.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumours, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0RBnauKrh0

Children and adults are bullied for a variety of reasons – and for no reason. Specific types of bullying include:bullying related to race, religion or culture; bullying related to special educational needs (SEN) or disabilities; bullying related to appearance or health conditions; bullying related to sex and or sexual orientation; bullying of young carers or looked-after children or otherwise related to home or work circumstances.

CLASSIFYING

• Recognise the range of reasons why someone might be bullied.• Think particularly about children who may have a SEN and /or Statement• Be brave to recognise any in-built prejudice of any kind ! ACTION POINTS

1. Bullying of children 2. Cyberbullying

Focus on just 2 today

OBSERVING CHANGES IN A CHILD’S BEHAVIOUR INCLUDING: Unwilling to go to school. Unwilling to discuss his/her school life. School work and academic results deteriorating. Coming home with scars and/or torn clothes. Moody and loses interest in leisure and entertainment. Nightmares or even insomnia. Often locks him/herself in the bedroom for a long time. Often claims to have 'lost' personal belongings such as mobile Requests parents to accompany him/her to and from school (OR NOT!) Becoming increasingly bad-tempered. Has difficulty making friends. Becomes nervous when another child comes near. Closes down the computer screen when you enter the room.

Signs that a child may be bullied

And others...

But it can be hard to

tell as these are

also common signs of teenage

life!

Praise your child for being brave enough

to talk about it.

Learn from the experience

“Teachable moment” to be more proactive next time.

Build resilience Try role playing exercises and positive strategies Coaching

Help them to see why it’s OK to disagree

Offer comfort and support, no matter how upset

you are !

Review the peer group An

older sibling or friend might be able to give you some perspective and provide

more immediate monitoring/help.

Help them with clear advice e.g. make sure they

don’t retaliate, save the evidence.

Report it to school and follow

up/ monitor the change

What you can do to help a bullied childACTION POINTS

Talking to your school about a bullying incident

INVESTIGATE AND GET THE FACTS

REVIEW THE SCHOOL’S POLICY

FACE TO FACE WITH CLASS TEACHER IS USUALLY BEST.

FOLLOW PROCEDURE IF YOU NEED TO ESCALATEHead /governor

MAKE SURE YOU ‘MOVE ON’ AND SUPPORT THE SCHOOL

How did it start ? Do you have evidence (print outs)Make sure your child didn’t start it.Try not to get angry.

By law, all state schools must have a behaviour policy in place that includes measures to prevent all forms of bullying.

Is this your understanding? Can you help monitor the situation? Take notes and agree action.

Continue to reassure your child and make sure that they are not retaliating nor making things worseBe positive if the response

from the school has been good and suggest ways in which the school can help other parents.

Some forms of bullying are illegal (eg hate crime, threats) and should be reported to the police.

It is tempting to try to resolve an issue by talking to the parent of the bully first but this can make things worse !

Follow what the policy says in terms of making a report.

Remember Head teachers have the legal power to make sure pupils behave outside of school premises.

Your child can be an important “Upstander” (ie not a ‘bystander’ for other children).

See www.beatbullying.orgwww.gov.uk/bullying

Cyberbullying vs. ‘Offline’ bullying?

OFFLINE ONLINE

Home is safe

Often Physical Usually words/pictures

Can be all the time

One or two people Many people involved

See the effect on the person Don’t see effect on the person(lack of empathy)

People watching intervene People watching take part

Often silent

From US Ad Council at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdQBurXQOeQ

22% of yp aged 11-18 report having been cyber bullied.

Can leave a trail (don’t delete evidence)

Advice for Parents and Young People

• Be aware that your children may as likely cyberbully as be a target !

• Talk to your children and understand the ways in which they are using the internet and mobile phones.

• Use the tools & privacy settings on services

• Remind your children not to retaliate • Remind yp to keep the evidence • Know where to report (see later)

Advice for Parents Advice for YP • Always respect others be careful what

you say. • Think before you send, what goes

online stays online ! • Treat your password like your

toothbrush ! • Learn how to block the bully and save

the evidence • Make sure you tell someone• Support others – how would you feel if

no-one stood up for you !

• Recognise that cyberbullying is complex and may take place without you knowing about it!ACTION POINTS

Risk

Reputation

Keeping it simple

Responsibility

Our safety, conduct & risky behaviours

Our privacy, security settings and our peer

group

Our leadership, ethical code and

resilience

SOCIAL MEDIA

MOBILES

Games

Homophobic bullying

Any hostile or offensive action against lesbians, gay males, bisexual or transgender people, or those perceived to be

lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

Homophobic bullying - who bullies and why?

• Anyone. Especially if they have not been told it’s wrong.• They think that lesbian and gay people should be bullied,

because they believe gay people are “wrong”.• People who might be gay themselves, and are angry about that.• People who think gay people shouldn’t have the same rights as

heterosexual people and use this as justification for bullying.• People who think gay parenting is wrong and pupils should be

treated differently because of it.

ACTION POINTS • Recognise that those who are exploring their own sexuality may be more

vulnerable online • But recognise that the online world provides an amazing community of

support and lots of good resources

IMPACT

•Bullying has a face – use stories of those who have been affected by bullying as positive role models for both YP who have been bullied and colleagues !•Recognise the seriousness long term effects of bullyingACTION POINTS

All of these well-known people were bullied in some way at school - Gok Wan, David & Victoria Beckham, Barack Obama, Nicola McLean, Will Young, Rihanna, Alan Davies, Jonathan Ross, Phill Jupitus, Jamie Redknapp, Jessica Alba.

How can persistent bullying result in • Depression • Low self-esteem and loss of

confidence • Shyness • Poor academic achievement • Isolation • Threatened or attempted suicide

WHAT IS THE LONG-TERM IMPACT ?

IMPACT

Studies show that it bullying does have enormous long term effects

Kidscape first ever retrospective study of adults in 1999

http://www.kidscape.org.uk/assets/downloads/kslongtermeffects.pdf

Harvard report states “Victims of chronic childhood bullying are more likely to develop depression or think about suicide as adults compared with those who weren't bullied, while former bullies are more likely to be convicted of criminal charges.”

See http://www.health.harvard.edu/press_releases/school-bullying-has-long-lasting-effects

PREVENTING

TION

• Are teachers receiving training about bullying? • Is the school logging complaints and monitor bullying in the school?ACTION POINTS

Help children to play their part in prevention programmes.

Make sure your school has updated its existing policies and practices.

Encourage the school to make reporting easier - includes advice about removal of content.

Ask are they evaluating the anti-bullying work (both prevention and incidents) very important for OFSTED.

• Does the technology contribute to an erosion of empathy ? If so how ?

• What happens when we become “comfortably numb”

• How can we build empathy online ?

EMPATHY

See fuller article I wrote at http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/stephen-carrickdavies/online-empathy-erosion-or_b_1685344.html

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”

Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

ACTION POINTS

• Talk to your children about how they build empathy and how the technology can erode empathy

• Talk to your children about how they build resilience and learn from experiences including role-play and acting (assertiveness training)

“Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in another’s place and to understand their experience.

We are deeply present to their thoughts and feelings with such compassionate accuracy that they can hear their own thoughts more clearly.

Empathy connect us with our common humanity. It protects us from prejudice, blame, and judgment – those things that divide us from each other. It moves us to seek justice for every person. Even those with whom we disagree.”

With empathy, we reflect on how our actions affect others.

Empathy inspires us to be giving and selfless. Empathy connects our hearts.

Source www.boundlessconnections.org/weeklyvirtuesblog/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Empathy.jpg

“Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in another’s place and to understand their experience.

We are deeply present to their thoughts and feelings with such compassionate accuracy that they can hear their own thoughts more clearly.

Empathy connect us with our common humanity. It protects us from prejudice, blame, and judgment – those things that divide us from each other. It moves us to seek justice for every person. Even those with whom we disagree.”

With empathy, we reflect on how our actions affect others.

Empathy inspires us to be giving and selfless. Empathy connects our hearts.

Source www.boundlessconnections.org/weeklyvirtuesblog/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Empathy.jpg

RESPONDING

ACTION

• “Are you alright?”• “Knowing you can always come to me to discuss”• What are the sanctions in schools for a bully ? Does the SMT take this

seriously - they have to by law ! ACTION POINTS

Supporting the victim – need for reassurance. Practical advice and support such as saving

evidence, not retaliating, informing parents. Helping them to report it – school, employer,

union, police, etc If receiving report - investigate and record

incidents, identify the bully. Working with the bully and sanctions (including

technology specific).

DISCLOSURE Recognise the under-reportingof cyberbullying Why do you think this is ?

ROLE PLAYING EXERCISES Help children prepare for future conflict. Practice responding in firm voice. Give them positive phrases to use.

LEADING

• Tackling this POSITIVELY - young people and adults feel passionately about this subject use this to help build character, including resilience

ACTION POINTS

© Images remain the property of the Black Dog Institute

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=nWJut7KQhI4&feature=endscreen

LEADINGShowing what leadership LOOKS like and FEELS like

PRAISE, MODELLING AND FEEDBACK The Miracle tools in the parent’s toolbox !

1. Use the term “bullying” correctly / Recognise the seriousness2. Recognise the range of reasons why someone might be bullied. Be brave

to recognise any in built prejudice of any kind ! 3. Recognise that someone may be cyberbullied and may

under-report/disclose.4. Recognise that those who are exploring their own sexuality may be

more vulnerable online.5. Recognise that the online world provides an amazing community of

support and lots of good resources - use stories of those who have been affected by bullying as positive role models.

6. Talk to your children about how they build empathy and how the technology can erode empathy. Help to build resilience and learn from experiences including role-play and acting (assertiveness training)

7. Make sure your children know that they can always come to you to discuss

8. Tackle this POSITIVELY - children and young people feel passionately about this subject use this to help build character, including resilience

ACTION POINTS WHAT IS GOING TO BE YOUR ONE PRIORITY ACTION ?

ACTION POINTS

HELPFUL RESOURCES

Stephen Carrick-Davies

www.carrick-davies.com stephen@carrick-davies.com

www.beatbullying.org

www.gov.uk/bullying

www.kidscape.org.uk