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Polyamory 101 Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

Polyamory 101

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Polyamory 101

Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

Polyamory 101

Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

DefinitionsDefinitions• Polygamy - More Than One Spouse• Polygyny - More Than One Wife• Polyandry - More Than One Husband• Monogamy - One Spouse• Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time• Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates• Polyamory - Multiple Committed Loving

Relationships

Polyamory’s OriginsPolyamory’s Origins• Group Marriage (Constantine, 1973)• Hot & Cool Sex (Francoeur, 1974)• Intimate Networks• Utopian Swinging• The Kerista Commune (polyfidelity)• More University• Human Awareness Institute (HAI)

– communication processes

• Oneida Community

The Oneida CommunityThe Oneida Community

• 19th c. 500-person group marriage founded by John Humphrey Noyes

• Coitus Reservatus

• Complex Marriage

• Banned Pair Bonding

• Ascending Fellowship

• Stirpiculture Breeding Program

The Kerista CommuneThe Kerista Commune

• SF based intentional community

• 25 years (early 70s -- mid-90s)

• Compersion (invented the word)– no jealousy (Pines & Aronson, 1981)

• Polyfidelity– starling brothers and sisters

• B-FICs -- Best Friend Identity Clusters

Poly CulturePoly Culture• Support Groups / Pot Lucks

• E - lists/groups

• Loving More Magazine

• Conferences

• Honesty– Complete Honesty

• Safe Sex– Very Safe Sex (viral and emotional)

Poly PlayersPoly Players

• Science Fiction Aficionados– Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s)

• Utopian Swingers

• Frustrated by Monogamy

• Independent Idealists

• Socially Challenged

Research OverviewResearch Overview

• 58 males

• 82 females

• Peak Baby Boomers– male median age -- 45– female median age -- 43

Ages in 2002

0

10

20

30

40

50

60 Wolfe

Cosmo

Cavallero

Larsen

Schubach

Caust

Gilmartin

Race and EducationRace and Education

• 94.3% White

• Highly Educated– 98.3% of males and 100% of females had

attended college– 39.7% of males and 40.2% of females had

graduate degrees

Poly ConfigurationsPoly Configurations

• Independent Single

• Open Couple

• Primary and Secondary Partners

• Multiple Primary Partners

• Triad -- V or

• Quad

• Intimate Network

Table 3 – Relationship Types

Open Monogamous 14.3%Polyamorous with a Primary Partner 34.1%Polyamorous with Multiple Primary Partners 13.2%Polyamorous with Primary and Secondary Partners 18.7%Polyfidelitous Triad 5.5%Polyfidelitous Network 1.1%Monogamous 2.2%Single and Dating 4.4%Other 6.6%

• Altogether 48.4% could easily be considered “open couples”

0%

20%

40%

60%

Spouse Lover Alone

Living Arrangements

Wolfe

U.S. Census

•Poly residential patterns differ substantially from the 2000 U.S. Census

0%

10%

20%

30%

40%

Children Cats Dogs

Children, Cats & Dogs

Wolfe

U.S. Census

Table 8 – Current Religious Affiliation

Loving More Wolfe

Pagan/Wicca 30% 29%Buddhism 9% 8%Christian 28% 12%None/Atheist 29% 15%Other 4% 19%

*40% do not attend any religious services or rituals

Poly in PrintPoly in Print• The Polyfidelity Primer (Nearing, 1992)• Love Without Limits (Anapol, 1992, 1997)• The Ethical Slut (Easton & Liszt, 1997)• Loving More Magazine (early 90s -

present)• Plural Loves (Anderlini-D’Onofrio, 2005)• 40+ mainstream newspaper/magazine

articles

Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory

Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory

• Compersion– loving empathy for one’s partner being

loved/engaged by others

• New Relationship Energy (NRE)

• Other Significant Other (OSO)

• Primary, Secondary, Tertiary– maintain social family hierarchy

• Polyfidelity– sexually faithful to one’s family

Poly Cultural ChallengesPoly Cultural Challenges

• Integrating romantic love and non-possessiveness in a Western context

• Letting go of Western culture’s celebration of “the one.”

• Preventing new lovers from displacing long time partners

• Accepting differences between partners’ emotional and sexual styles.

0

20

40

60

80

Total Male Female

Sexual Orientation - Poly

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

0

20

40

60

80

100

Total Male Female

Sexual Orientation- Swingers

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

0

20

40

60

80

0 1 2 3 4 5 6

Kinsey Scale - Swingers

Females

Males

0

10

20

30

40

50

0 1 2 3 4 5 6

Kinsey Scale - Poly

Females

Males

Safer Sex PracticesSafer Sex Practices• Fluid Bond Agreements• Over 80% use condoms• Women (84%) much more concerned than

men (55%) in discussing STD and birth control status with a new lover.

• Partner Approval – 64.4% of swingers– 58.4% of poly women– 35.7% of poly men

Visiting Other LoversVisiting Other Lovers• Agreements (written, unspoken, subject

to renegotiation)

• Half report their partner spends 10 nights a year or less visiting other lovers

• Typical visiting patterns were between once a week and twice a month

• Only five respondents reported visiting patterns of two-three times a week.

Are There Favorites?Are There Favorites?

• NRE is regarded as an explanation for why a new lover may feel like the favorite.

• 50% of women reported loving their partners equally.

• 62.5% of men reported they had a favorite lover.

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

Always Often Sometimes Never

Partner's Favorite?

Is Partner YourFavorite?

Favorite Partners?

Regarding one’s partner as a favorite lover largely parallels feeling like one is one’s partner’s favorite lover.

CompersionCompersion

Compersion MeasuresCompersion Measures• Watching a partner being sexual with

someone else• Being Watched by One’s Partner…• Feelings about partner spending the

night with other lovers• What happens when partner returns…• Impact of poly dating on home

relationship• Change relationship agreements?

Compersion IndexCompersion Index

• 11 point scale

• Median 9.12

• Only 7.9% less then 7.

• Compersive thinking is largely the norm for the people who participated in my survey

Compersion Total

.00

2.00

4.00

6.00

8.00

10.00

12.00

0 20 40 60 80 100 120

Statistically Significant Correlations

Statistically Significant Correlations

• Males more compersive than females– greater number of partners per year--less

attachment--sense of abundance

• Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally– embrace poly ideology

• Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently– more substantial inner life

Actualizing CompersionActualizing Compersion• Developed Inner Life

– masturbation, spirituality, meditation

• Full Plate Life– busy with work, family, lovers– Extended Family of Choice

• Gullible– believe in poly ideology

• High Serotonin Uptake

• Fears of Loss not actualized.

Polyamory as a Relationship Strategy

Polyamory as a Relationship Strategy

• Long term monogamous couples eventually differentiate– Their NRE diminishes--they have less

interest/need for sex with each other

• Polyamory addresses this sexual emotional vacancy with a NRE enhanced new lovers while maintaining the comfort and security of home and family

How Jealousy is Negotiated

How Jealousy is Negotiated

• New loves do not replace or displace in place partners.

• Belief that there is not just one “one”– Go for broke romantic love discouraged

• Celebration of “starling relationships”– Compersion embraced

• Full Plate Lives– High serotonin levels

Is it possible to be in love with more than one

sweetie?

Is it possible to be in love with more than one

sweetie?• Its very possible to be in lust with many

partners

• Its possible to be in the attachment phase with multiple partners

• The attraction phase may be a mono-experience– easily provokes high levels of jealousy