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DefinitionsDefinitions• Polygamy - More Than One Spouse• Polygyny - More Than One Wife• Polyandry - More Than One Husband• Monogamy - One Spouse• Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time• Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates• Polyamory - Multiple Committed Loving
Relationships
Polyamory’s OriginsPolyamory’s Origins• Group Marriage (Constantine, 1973)• Hot & Cool Sex (Francoeur, 1974)• Intimate Networks• Utopian Swinging• The Kerista Commune (polyfidelity)• More University• Human Awareness Institute (HAI)
– communication processes
• Oneida Community
The Oneida CommunityThe Oneida Community
• 19th c. 500-person group marriage founded by John Humphrey Noyes
• Coitus Reservatus
• Complex Marriage
• Banned Pair Bonding
• Ascending Fellowship
• Stirpiculture Breeding Program
The Kerista CommuneThe Kerista Commune
• SF based intentional community
• 25 years (early 70s -- mid-90s)
• Compersion (invented the word)– no jealousy (Pines & Aronson, 1981)
• Polyfidelity– starling brothers and sisters
• B-FICs -- Best Friend Identity Clusters
Poly CulturePoly Culture• Support Groups / Pot Lucks
• E - lists/groups
• Loving More Magazine
• Conferences
• Honesty– Complete Honesty
• Safe Sex– Very Safe Sex (viral and emotional)
Poly PlayersPoly Players
• Science Fiction Aficionados– Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s)
• Utopian Swingers
• Frustrated by Monogamy
• Independent Idealists
• Socially Challenged
Research OverviewResearch Overview
• 58 males
• 82 females
• Peak Baby Boomers– male median age -- 45– female median age -- 43
Race and EducationRace and Education
• 94.3% White
• Highly Educated– 98.3% of males and 100% of females had
attended college– 39.7% of males and 40.2% of females had
graduate degrees
Poly ConfigurationsPoly Configurations
• Independent Single
• Open Couple
• Primary and Secondary Partners
• Multiple Primary Partners
• Triad -- V or
• Quad
• Intimate Network
Table 3 – Relationship Types
Open Monogamous 14.3%Polyamorous with a Primary Partner 34.1%Polyamorous with Multiple Primary Partners 13.2%Polyamorous with Primary and Secondary Partners 18.7%Polyfidelitous Triad 5.5%Polyfidelitous Network 1.1%Monogamous 2.2%Single and Dating 4.4%Other 6.6%
• Altogether 48.4% could easily be considered “open couples”
0%
20%
40%
60%
Spouse Lover Alone
Living Arrangements
Wolfe
U.S. Census
•Poly residential patterns differ substantially from the 2000 U.S. Census
Table 8 – Current Religious Affiliation
Loving More Wolfe
Pagan/Wicca 30% 29%Buddhism 9% 8%Christian 28% 12%None/Atheist 29% 15%Other 4% 19%
*40% do not attend any religious services or rituals
Poly in PrintPoly in Print• The Polyfidelity Primer (Nearing, 1992)• Love Without Limits (Anapol, 1992, 1997)• The Ethical Slut (Easton & Liszt, 1997)• Loving More Magazine (early 90s -
present)• Plural Loves (Anderlini-D’Onofrio, 2005)• 40+ mainstream newspaper/magazine
articles
Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory
Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory
• Compersion– loving empathy for one’s partner being
loved/engaged by others
• New Relationship Energy (NRE)
• Other Significant Other (OSO)
• Primary, Secondary, Tertiary– maintain social family hierarchy
• Polyfidelity– sexually faithful to one’s family
Poly Cultural ChallengesPoly Cultural Challenges
• Integrating romantic love and non-possessiveness in a Western context
• Letting go of Western culture’s celebration of “the one.”
• Preventing new lovers from displacing long time partners
• Accepting differences between partners’ emotional and sexual styles.
0
20
40
60
80
Total Male Female
Sexual Orientation - Poly
Heterosexual
Bisexual
Homosexual
0
20
40
60
80
100
Total Male Female
Sexual Orientation- Swingers
Heterosexual
Bisexual
Homosexual
0
20
40
60
80
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
Kinsey Scale - Swingers
Females
Males
0
10
20
30
40
50
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
Kinsey Scale - Poly
Females
Males
Safer Sex PracticesSafer Sex Practices• Fluid Bond Agreements• Over 80% use condoms• Women (84%) much more concerned than
men (55%) in discussing STD and birth control status with a new lover.
• Partner Approval – 64.4% of swingers– 58.4% of poly women– 35.7% of poly men
Visiting Other LoversVisiting Other Lovers• Agreements (written, unspoken, subject
to renegotiation)
• Half report their partner spends 10 nights a year or less visiting other lovers
• Typical visiting patterns were between once a week and twice a month
• Only five respondents reported visiting patterns of two-three times a week.
Are There Favorites?Are There Favorites?
• NRE is regarded as an explanation for why a new lover may feel like the favorite.
• 50% of women reported loving their partners equally.
• 62.5% of men reported they had a favorite lover.
0
10
20
30
40
50
60
Always Often Sometimes Never
Partner's Favorite?
Is Partner YourFavorite?
Favorite Partners?
Regarding one’s partner as a favorite lover largely parallels feeling like one is one’s partner’s favorite lover.
Compersion MeasuresCompersion Measures• Watching a partner being sexual with
someone else• Being Watched by One’s Partner…• Feelings about partner spending the
night with other lovers• What happens when partner returns…• Impact of poly dating on home
relationship• Change relationship agreements?
Compersion IndexCompersion Index
• 11 point scale
• Median 9.12
• Only 7.9% less then 7.
• Compersive thinking is largely the norm for the people who participated in my survey
Statistically Significant Correlations
Statistically Significant Correlations
• Males more compersive than females– greater number of partners per year--less
attachment--sense of abundance
• Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally– embrace poly ideology
• Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently– more substantial inner life
Actualizing CompersionActualizing Compersion• Developed Inner Life
– masturbation, spirituality, meditation
• Full Plate Life– busy with work, family, lovers– Extended Family of Choice
• Gullible– believe in poly ideology
• High Serotonin Uptake
• Fears of Loss not actualized.
Polyamory as a Relationship Strategy
Polyamory as a Relationship Strategy
• Long term monogamous couples eventually differentiate– Their NRE diminishes--they have less
interest/need for sex with each other
• Polyamory addresses this sexual emotional vacancy with a NRE enhanced new lovers while maintaining the comfort and security of home and family
How Jealousy is Negotiated
How Jealousy is Negotiated
• New loves do not replace or displace in place partners.
• Belief that there is not just one “one”– Go for broke romantic love discouraged
• Celebration of “starling relationships”– Compersion embraced
• Full Plate Lives– High serotonin levels
Is it possible to be in love with more than one
sweetie?
Is it possible to be in love with more than one
sweetie?• Its very possible to be in lust with many
partners
• Its possible to be in the attachment phase with multiple partners
• The attraction phase may be a mono-experience– easily provokes high levels of jealousy