Writing Workshop SeriesConcise Writing

How not to use a needlessly excessive amount of words to write or compose what you really

want to express or communicate when you have a whole lot to write or compose…

Presenter: Rachael Walker Date: October 29, 2015

Outline

Outline

Warm up

Outline

Warm up

Sentence metrics

Outline

Warm up

Sentence metrics

Editing preview

Outline

Warm up

Sentence metrics

Editing preview

Exercise

Outline

Warm up

Sentence metrics

Editing preview

Exercise

Using Sentence Measurements

Warm up

Using Sentence Measurements

Warm up

At this point in time we can't ascertain the reason as to why the software failed to

work.

Using Sentence Measurements

Warm up

At this point in time we can't ascertain the reason as to why the software failed to

work.

My sister, who is employed as a nutritionist at McGill University, recommends the daily intake of megadoses of Vitamin C.

Using Sentence Measurements

Warm up

At this point in time we can't ascertain the reason as to why the software failed to

work.

My sister, who is employed as a nutritionist at McGill University, recommends the daily intake of megadoses of Vitamin C.

Basically, in light of the fact that Mayor Espinosa was totally exhausted by his last

campaign, there was an expectation on the part of the voters that he would not reduplicate his effort to achieve office in government again.

Using Sentence Measurements

Warm up

At this point in time we can't ascertain the reason as to why the software failed to

work.

My sister, who is employed as a nutritionist at McGill University, recommends the daily intake of megadoses of Vitamin C.

Basically, in light of the fact that Mayor Espinosa was totally exhausted by his last

campaign, there was an expectation on the part of the voters that he would not reduplicate his effort to achieve office in government again.

Joe was an honest and hard working man. Basically, he never gave much

consideration to sitting idly about, doing nothing constructive. (One sentence)

Outline

Warm up

Sentence metrics

Editing preview

Exercise

Using Sentence Measurements

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

Syntax

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

Syntax

He wrote the report using the

information provided by the customer.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

Syntax

He wrote the report using the

information provided by the customer.

Wrote using the provided the

by customer the he report using.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

Syntax

He wrote the report using the

information provided by the customer.

Wrote using the provided the

by customer the he report using.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

Syntax

He wrote the report using the

information provided by the customer.

Wrote using the provided the

by customer the he report using.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

Syntax

He wrote the report using the

information provided by the customer.

Wrote using the provided the

by customer the he report using.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

Syntax

He wrote the report using the

information provided by the customer.

Wrote using the provided the

by customer the he report using.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

Syntax

He wrote the report using the

information provided by the customer.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

Syntax

He wrote the report using the

information provided by the customer.

Using the data provided by the

customer, he updated the report.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

1) Sentence length

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

1) Sentence length

2) Subject to verb

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

1) Sentence length

2) Subject to verb

3) Introductory elements

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

1) Sentence length

2) Subject to verb

3) Introductory elements

4) Prepositional phrases

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

1) Sentence length

2) Subject to verb

3) Introductory elements

4) Prepositional phrases

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence length

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence length

Technical document:

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence length

Technical document:

13 - 18 words

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence length

Technical document:

13 - 18 words(+/-)

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence length

Technical document:

13 - 18 words

Audience:

(+/-)

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence length

Technical document:

13 - 18 words

Audience:Familiarity with concepts

(+/-)

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence length

Technical document:

13 - 18 words

Audience:Familiarity with concepts

Familiarity with terminology

(+/-)

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence length

Technical document:

13 - 18 words

Audience:Familiarity with concepts

Familiarity with terminologyAttitude

(+/-)

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence length

Technical document:

13 - 18 words

Audience:Familiarity with concepts

Familiarity with terminologyAttitude

Distraction

(+/-)

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

The Durable Medical Equipment (DME) SuperTrack System tracks the complete history

of deliveries, rentals, and repairs of rental equipment and tracks the parties to whom the equipment has been rented and billed, enabling the department to account for all

rental equipment assigned to the customer with billing capabilities. The system generates key reports on DME equipment, location and status, rental agreements, and

delivery and billing status and history.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

The Durable Medical Equipment (DME) SuperTrack System tracks the complete history

of deliveries, rentals, and repairs of rental equipment and tracks the parties to whom the equipment has been rented and billed, enabling the department to account for all

rental equipment assigned to the customer with billing capabilities. The system generates key reports on DME equipment, location and status, rental agreements, and

delivery and billing status and history.

Transition words

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

1) Sentence length

2) Subject to verb

3) Introductory elements

4) Prepositional phrases

Using Sentence Measurements

Using Sentence Measurements

Subject to verb distance

Using Sentence Measurements

Subject to verb distance

No more than 8 words

Using Sentence Measurements

Subject to verb distance

No more than 8 words

The procedures for controlling

access to the secure laboratory and archive areas were not being

enforced.

Using Sentence Measurements

Subject to verb distance

No more than 8 words

Materials used in clinical trials,

including drugs, vaccines, and non-trial medication supplies, as well as

required documentation templates, are managed by a dedicated group

within the hospital.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

1) Sentence length

2) Subject to verb

3) Introductory elements

4) Prepositional phrases

Using Sentence Measurements

Introductory elements

No more than 8 words

Although significant gains in

wellness-program attendance were recorded in November (with 81%

attendance) and December (with 75% attendance), attendance only

averaged 68% on the year.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

1) Sentence length

2) Subject to verb

3) Introductory elements

4) Prepositional phrases

Using Sentence Measurements

Using Sentence Measurements

Prepositional phrases

Using Sentence Measurements

Prepositional phrases

Point out relationships

Using Sentence Measurements

Prepositional phrases

Point out relationships

after, before, by, for, from, of, through, with, to

Using Sentence Measurements

Prepositional phrases

Point out relationships

after, before, by, for, from, of, through, with, to

Using Sentence Measurements

Prepositional phrases

Point out relationships

after, before, by, for, from, of, through, with, to

To:

Using Sentence Measurements

Prepositional phrases

Point out relationships

after, before, by, for, from, of, through, with, to

To:

going to

Using Sentence Measurements

Prepositional phrases

Point out relationships

after, before, by, for, from, of, through, with, to

To:

going to to report, to explain

Using Sentence Measurements

Using Sentence Measurements

Prepositional phrases

Using Sentence Measurements

Prepositional phrases

No more than 4

Using Sentence Measurements

Prepositional phrases

No more than 4

Using Sentence Measurements

Prepositional phrases

No more than 4

Weaknesses in the process lead to

variations in how outcomes of critical events were documented in

the database.

Using Sentence Measurements

Combining sentences measurements

The One-Day-Surgery Patient Handbook provides guidance to patients admitted to the Surgery Centre for procedures requiring a stay of less than twenty-four

hours. The Handbook, published on an annual basis by the Customer Relations Departments with review by physicians and nurses, covers issues such as the

surgery-centre staff, facilities, visitors, privacy, and patients’ rights. Depending on the preference of the physicians, the Handbook may be supplemented with an

information sheet covering specific issues related to the treatment of the patient.

Sentence length: 13 - 18 words

Subject to verb: <8 words

Introductory elements: <8 words

Prepositions: <4 words

Outline

Warm up

Sentence metrics

Editing preview

Exercise

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

The limitations of metrics

The pitcher threw the ball, and the batter swung, and the bat hit the ball, and the ball went high into the air.

Using Sentence Measurements

Sentence metrics

The limitations of metrics

The pitcher threw the ball, and the batter swung, and the bat hit the ball, and the ball went high into the air.

After the pitcher swung the ball, the batter swung the bat, hitting the ball

high into the air.

The batter swung the bat after the pitcher threw the ball, hitting the ball high into the air.

Preview of editing

Sentence metrics

Preview of editing

Sentence metrics

The pitcher threw the ball, and the batter swung, and the bat hit the

ball, and the ball went high into the air.

Preview of editing

Sentence metrics

The pitcher threw the ball, and the batter swung, and the bat hit the

ball, and the ball went high into the air.

After the pitcher swung the ball,

the batter swung the bat, hitting the ball high into the air.

Preview of editing

Sentence metrics

The pitcher threw the ball, and the batter swung, and the bat hit the

ball, and the ball went high into the air.

After the pitcher swung the ball,

the batter swung the bat, hitting the ball high into the air.

The batter swung the bat after the

pitcher threw the ball, hitting the ball high into the air.

Preview of editing

Sentence metrics

The pitcher threw the ball, and the batter swung, and the bat hit the

ball, and the ball went high into the air.

After the pitcher swung the ball,

the batter swung the bat, hitting the ball high into the air.

The batter swung the bat after the

pitcher threw the ball, hitting the ball high into the air.

Which do you think is better?

Preview of editing

Sentence metrics

The pitcher threw the ball, and the batter swung, and the bat hit the

ball, and the ball went high into the air.

After the pitcher swung the ball,

the batter swung the bat, hitting the ball high into the air.

The batter swung the bat after the

pitcher threw the ball, hitting the ball high into the air.

Which do you think is better?

How do they differ?

Preview of editing

Sentence metrics

The pitcher threw the ball, and the batter swung, and the bat hit the

ball, and the ball went high into the air.

After the pitcher swung the ball,

the batter swung the bat, hitting the ball high into the air.

The batter swung the bat after the

pitcher threw the ball, hitting the ball high into the air.

Which do you think is better?

How do they differ?Which begins better?

Preview of editing

Sentence metrics

The pitcher threw the ball, and the batter swung, and the bat hit the

ball, and the ball went high into the air.

After the pitcher swung the ball,

the batter swung the bat, hitting the ball high into the air.

The batter swung the bat after the

pitcher threw the ball, hitting the ball high into the air.

Which do you think is better?

How do they differ?Which begins better?

Which is more logically organized?

Preview of editing

Sentence metrics

The pitcher threw the ball, and the batter swung, and the bat hit the

ball, and the ball went high into the air.

After the pitcher swung the ball,

the batter swung the bat, hitting the ball high into the air.

The batter swung the bat after the

pitcher threw the ball, hitting the ball high into the air.

Which do you think is better?

How do they differ?Which begins better?

Which is more logically organized?Which has a more effective

conclusion?

Preview of editing

Sentence metrics

The pitcher threw the ball, and the batter swung, and the bat hit the

ball, and the ball went high into the air.

After the pitcher swung the ball,

the batter swung the bat, hitting the ball high into the air.

The batter swung the bat after the

pitcher threw the ball, hitting the ball high into the air.

Which do you think is better?

How do they differ?Which begins better?

Which is more logically organized?Which has a more effective

conclusion?

Which is more understandable to you?

Preview of Editing

Subject: Sales

Pursuant to the sales call of October 7, final sales total for the quarter ending in

September are enclosed herewith. A planning conference for all sales personnel will be scheduled for the near future and these figures will be discussed. It is hoped that

all district managers will be aware that the figures are such that reductions in the total number of dealerships and retail units may be indicated. A meeting to discuss this

matter will be held on Monday, October 17 at 10 a.m., in the regional manager’s office. Thank you for your cooperation.

Outline

Warm up

Sentence metrics

Editing preview

Exercise

Writing Exercise

You are the department manager. You must write a memo to an employee whose work

and behaviour have been unsatisfactory. (Punctuality, Dress Code, Work Load, etc,?) Try to motivate the employee to improve performance. Be brief, direct, and honest,

but be as compassionate as possible.

1) Make a quick outline as you brainstorm for ideas 2) Write

3) Check your structure Is your main point clear?

Does the reader have a clear idea of what to do? 4) Check your form

Have you used white space effectively? Can you use bullet points? (And if so, do you?)

5) Check the problems hit list and sentence metrics