When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
} Your physical, emotional, and spiritual “property lines” that define what is “you” and “not you”, what is your responsibility and what is not, and what you are to own
} Examples: Skin, Words, Truth, Geographical Distance, Time, Emotional Distance, Other People, Consequences
} Things within your boundaries: your Feelings, Attitudes, Beliefs, Behaviors, Choices, Values, Limits, Talents, Thoughts, Desires, Love
} Compliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”, can’t set boundaries, feels guilty and/or controlled by others
} Avoidant – say “no” to the good, can’t hear “yes”, sets boundaries against receiving the care of others
} Controller – can’t hear “no”, aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others
} Nonresponsive – can’t say “yes”, sets boundaries against the responsibility to love, doesn’t acknowledge the needs of others
} Functional boundaries – ability to complete a task, project, or job
} Relational boundaries – ability to speak the truth to others with whom we are in relationship
} Bonding: our deepest need is to be in relationship, to have a spiritual and emotional home
} Bonding is the foundation of boundary development because you cannot develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others
} Separation and Individuation: perceiving yourself as distinct from others, and developing your own personal identity
} Three phases: differentiation, practicing, rapprochement
} Tools: anger, ownership, “no”
} Withdrawal From Boundaries } Hostility Against Boundaries } Over-control } Lack of Limits } Inconsistent Limits } Trauma } Our Own Character Traits } Our Own Sinfulness
} As you were growing up, what did you learn about boundaries and saying no? Were those things good or bad? How did you learn that?
} When have you acted lovingly in hopes that you’d be loved in return? Did you receive the love you wanted? When have you received a favor only to find that you’ve hurt that person’s feelings by not figuring out the price tag attached?
} Who, if anyone, has withdrawn in response to your boundaries? Responded with hostility? When have you withdrawn or been hostile in response to other people’s boundaries?
} What areas in your life had too many limits? Too few? Inconsistent limits? What has been the impact?