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When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Lifeibcthrive.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/boundaries-lesson-2.pdfCompliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”,

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Page 1: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Lifeibcthrive.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/boundaries-lesson-2.pdfCompliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”,

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Page 2: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Lifeibcthrive.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/boundaries-lesson-2.pdfCompliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”,

}  Your physical, emotional, and spiritual “property lines” that define what is “you” and “not you”, what is your responsibility and what is not, and what you are to own

}  Examples: Skin, Words, Truth, Geographical Distance, Time, Emotional Distance, Other People, Consequences

}  Things within your boundaries: your Feelings, Attitudes, Beliefs, Behaviors, Choices, Values, Limits, Talents, Thoughts, Desires, Love

Page 3: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Lifeibcthrive.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/boundaries-lesson-2.pdfCompliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”,

}  Compliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”, can’t set boundaries, feels guilty and/or controlled by others

}  Avoidant – say “no” to the good, can’t hear “yes”, sets boundaries against receiving the care of others

Page 4: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Lifeibcthrive.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/boundaries-lesson-2.pdfCompliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”,

}  Controller – can’t hear “no”, aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others

}  Nonresponsive – can’t say “yes”, sets boundaries against the responsibility to love, doesn’t acknowledge the needs of others

Page 5: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Lifeibcthrive.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/boundaries-lesson-2.pdfCompliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”,

}  Functional boundaries – ability to complete a task, project, or job

}  Relational boundaries – ability to speak the truth to others with whom we are in relationship

Page 6: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Lifeibcthrive.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/boundaries-lesson-2.pdfCompliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”,

}  Bonding: our deepest need is to be in relationship, to have a spiritual and emotional home

}  Bonding is the foundation of boundary development because you cannot develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others

Page 7: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Lifeibcthrive.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/boundaries-lesson-2.pdfCompliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”,

}  Separation and Individuation: perceiving yourself as distinct from others, and developing your own personal identity

}  Three phases: differentiation, practicing, rapprochement

}  Tools: anger, ownership, “no”

Page 8: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Lifeibcthrive.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/boundaries-lesson-2.pdfCompliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”,

}  Withdrawal From Boundaries }  Hostility Against Boundaries }  Over-control }  Lack of Limits }  Inconsistent Limits }  Trauma }  Our Own Character Traits }  Our Own Sinfulness

Page 9: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Lifeibcthrive.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/boundaries-lesson-2.pdfCompliant – say “yes” to the bad, can’t say “no”,

}  As you were growing up, what did you learn about boundaries and saying no? Were those things good or bad? How did you learn that?

}  When have you acted lovingly in hopes that you’d be loved in return? Did you receive the love you wanted? When have you received a favor only to find that you’ve hurt that person’s feelings by not figuring out the price tag attached?

}  Who, if anyone, has withdrawn in response to your boundaries? Responded with hostility? When have you withdrawn or been hostile in response to other people’s boundaries?

}  What areas in your life had too many limits? Too few? Inconsistent limits? What has been the impact?