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Title:TheHolidayRound
Author:A.A.Milne
ReleaseDate:May,2004[EBook#5675][Yes,wearemorethanoneyearaheadofschedule][ThisfilewasfirstpostedonAugust7,2002]
Edition:10
Language:English
Charactersetencoding:ASCII
***STARTOFTHEPROJECTGUTENBERGEBOOKTHEHOLIDAY
***STARTOFTHEPROJECTGUTENBERGEBOOKTHEHOLIDAYROUND***
ProducedbyCharlesAldarondo
THEHOLIDAYROUND
BY
A.A.MILNE
AUTHOROF“THEDAYS’PLAY”
LONDON
1912
CONTENTS
HOLIDAYTIME
THEHOUSE-WARMING
ATPLAY
TWOSTORIES
ANODDLOT
LITTLEPLAYSFORAMATEURS
ACHAPTEROFACCIDENTS
STORIESOFSUCCESSFULLIVES
AFEWFRIENDS
EPILOGUE
HOLIDAYTIME
I.—THEORDEALBYWATER
“Wewillnowbathe,”saidavoiceatthebackofmyneck.
Igaveagruntandwentonwithmydream.Itwasajollydream,andnobodygotupearlyinit.
“Wewillnowbathe,”repeatedArchie.
“Goaway,”Isaiddistinctly.
Archiesatdownonmykneesandputhisdamptowelonmyface.
“WhenmywifeandItookthiscommodiousresidenceforsixweeks,”hesaid,“andengagedtheseaatgreatexpensetocomeuptoitsdoorstwiceaday,itwasonthedistinctunderstandingthatourguestsshouldplungeintoitpunctuallyatseveno’clockeverymorning.”
“Don’tbesilly,it’saboutthreenow.AndIwishyou’dgetoffmyknees.”
“It’saquarter-pastseven.”
“Thenthereyouare,we’vemissedit.Well,wemustseewhatwecandoforyouto-morrow.Good-night.”
Archiepulledalltheclothesoffmeandwalkedwiththemtothewindow.
“Jove,whataday!”hesaid.“Andcan’tyousmellthesea?”
“Ican.Letthatsuffice.Isay,what’shappenedtomyblanket?Imusthaveswalloweditinmysleep.”
“Where’shissponge?”Iheardhimmurmuringtohimselfashecameawayfromthewindow.
“No,no,I’mup,”Ishouted,andIsprangoutofbedandputonashirtandapair
“No,no,I’mup,”Ishouted,andIsprangoutofbedandputonashirtandapairoftrouserswithgreatspeed.“WheredoItaketheseoffagain?”Iasked.“Iseemtobegivingmyselfalotoftrouble.”
“Thereisatent.”
“Won’ttheladieswantit?Because,ifso,Icaneasilyhavemybathelateron.”
“Theladiesthinkit’srathertooroughto-day.”
“Perhapsthey’reright,”Isaidhopefully.“Awoman’sinstinct—No,I’mNOTacoward.”
Itwasn’tsobadoutside—sunandwindandablue-and-whiteskyandplentyofmovementonthesea.
“Justthedayforaswim,”saidArchiecheerily,asheledthewaydowntothebeach.
“I’venothingagainsttheday;it’sthehourIobjectto.TheLancetsaysyoumustn’tbathewithinanhourofaheavymeal.Well,I’mgoingtohaveaveryheavymealwithinabouttwentyminutes.Thatisn’tright,youknow.”
BythetimeIwasreadythewindhadgotmuchcolder.Ilookedoutofthetentandshivered.
“Isn’titjollyandfresh?”saidArchie,determinedtobehelpful.“Therearepointsabouttheearlymorning,afterall.”
“Thereareplentyofpointsaboutthismorning.Wheredotheygetallthesharpstonesfrom?Lookatthatonethere—he’ssimplywaitingforme.”
“Yououghttohaveboughtsomebathingshoes.Igotthispairinthevillage.”
“Whydidn’tyoutellmesolastnight?”
“Itwastoolatelastnight.”
“Well,it’smuchtooearlythismorning.Ifyouwereagentlemanyou’dlendmeoneofyours,andwe’dhopdowntogether.”
Archiebeingnogentleman,hewalkedandIhobbledtotheedge,andtherewe
Archiebeingnogentleman,hewalkedandIhobbledtotheedge,andtherewesatdownwhilehetookoffhisshoes.
“Ishouldliketotakethislastopportunity,”Isaid,“oftellingyouthatuptillnowIhaven’tenjoyedthisearlymorningbatheonelittlebit.Isupposetherewillbeanotablemomentwhentheecstasyactuallybegins,butatpresentIcan’tseeitcomingatall.TheonlythingIlookforwardtowithanypleasureisthetellingDahliaandMyraatbreakfastwhatIthinkoftheircowardice.Thatandthebreakfastitself.Good-bye.”
Igotupandwadedintothesurf.
“Onelastword,”IsaidasIlookedbackathim.“InmywholecareerIshallneverknowamoreabsolutelybeastlyandmiserablemomentthanthis.”Thenawaveknockedmedown,andIsawthatIhadspokentoohastily.
Theworldmaybedividedintotwoclasses—thosewhodrinkwhentheyswimandthosewhodon’t.Iamoneofthedrinkers.ForthisreasonIpreferriverbathingtoseabathing.
“It’sabouttimewecameout,”IshoutedtoArchieafterthethirdpint.“I’mexceedingmyallowance.”
“Aren’tyougladnowyoucame?”hecriedfromthetopofawave.
“Very,”Isaidamomentlaterfrominsideit.
ButIreallydidfeelgladtenminutesafterwardsasIsatonthebeachinthesunandsmokedacigarette,andthrewpebbleslazilyintothesea.
“Holbein,howbraveofyou!”criedavoicebehindme.
“Good-morning.I’mnotatallsurethatIoughttospeaktoyou.”
“Haveyoureallybeentakingtheseasoearly,”saidMyraasshesatdownbetweenus,“ordidyourumpleeachother’shairsoastodeceiveme?”
“Ihavebeentakingthesea,”Iconfessed.“WhatyouobserveouttherenowiswhatIleft.”
“Oh,butthat’swhatIdo.That’swhyIdidn’tcometo-day—becauseIhadso
muchyesterday.”
“I’mathree-bottleman.Icangoonandonandon.AndafteralltheseyearsIhavethemostsensitivepalateofanymanliving.Forinstance,IcandistinguishbetweenScarboroughandLlandudnoquiteeasilywithmyeyesshut.Speakingasanexpert,ImaysaythatthereisnothingtobeatasmallCromerandseltzer;thoughsomepreferaVentnoranddash.Ilfracombewithasliceoflemonispopular,buthardlyappealstothefastidious.”
“Doyouknow,”saidArchie,“thatyouaretalkingdrivel?Nobodyoughttodrivelbeforebreakfast.Itisn’tdecent.WhatdoesDahliawanttodoto-day,Myra?”
“MrSimpsoniscomingbytheone-thirty.”
“Good;thenwe’llhaveaslackday.ThestrainofmeetingSimpsonwillbesufficientforus.Idohopehecomesinayachtingcap—we’llsendhimbackifhedoesn’t.”
“Itoldhimtobringone,”saidMyra.“IputaP.S.inDahlia’sletter—pleasebringyourtelescopeandyachtingcap.Shethoughtwecouldhaveagoodday’ssailingto-morrow,ifyou’dkindlyarrangeaboutthewind.”
“I’lltalktothecrewaboutitandseewhathecando.Ifwegetbecalmedwecanalwaysthrowsomebodyoverboard,ofcourse.Well,Imustgoinandfinishmytoilet.”
Wegotupandclimbedslowlybacktothehouse.
“Andthen,”Isaid,“thenfortheheavymeal.”
II.—BECALMED
“Well,”saidDahlia,givingupthetillerwithasigh,“ifthisisallthatyouandJoecandointhewayofabreeze,youneedn’thaveworried.”
“Don’tblamethecrew,”saidArchienobly,“hedidhisbest.Hesatupallnight
“Don’tblamethecrew,”saidArchienobly,“hedidhisbest.Hesatupallnightwhistling.”
“AREwemoving?”askedMyra,fromahorizontalpositionontheshadysideofthemainsail.
“Wearenot,”Isaid,fromasimilarpositiononthesunnyside.“Let’sgetout.”
Simpsontookoffhisyachtingcapandfannedhimselfwithanauticalalmanac.“Howfararewefromanywhere?”heaskedcheerfully.
“Miles,”saidArchie.“Tobemoreaccurate,wearefivemilesfromapublic-house,sixfromachurch,fourfromapost-office,andthreefromthespaciouswalled-inkitchen-gardenandtennis-court.Ontheotherhand,wearequiteclosetothesea.”
“Youwillneverseeyourfriendsagain,Simpson.Theywillmissyou…atfirst…perhaps;buttheywillsoonforget.Thecirculationofthepapersthatyouwroteforwillgoup,thebrindledbull-pupwillbefedbyanotherandasmallerhand,butotherwiseallwillbeasitwasbefore.”
Myvoicechoked,andatthesamemomentsomethingwhizzedpastmeintothesea.
“Yachtingcapoverboard!Help!”criedMyra.
“Youaren’tinTheSpectatorofficenow,Simpson,”saidArchieseverely,ashefishedwiththeboat-hook.“Thereisatimeforballyragging.Bytheway,Isupposeyoudowantitbackagain?”
“It’smyfault,”Iconfessedremorsefully;“ItoldhimyesterdayIdidn’tlikeit.”
“MyraandIdolikeit,MrSimpson.Pleasesaveit,Archie.”
Archieletitdripfromtheendoftheboat-hookforaminute,andthenbroughtitin.
“Morning,SirThomas,”Isaid,salutingitasitcameonboard.“Lovelydayforasail.We’vegotthenewtopmastup,butHerGracehadthelastofthepotted-meatforlunchyesterday.”
Simpsontookhiscapandstrokedittenderly.“Thirteenandninepenceinthe
Simpsontookhiscapandstrokedittenderly.“ThirteenandninepenceintheBuckinghamPalaceRoad,”hemurmured.“Thanks,oldchap.”
QuietsettleddownuponthegoodshipArmadilloagain.Therewasnocloudinthesky,norippleonthewater,nosoundalongthedeck.Thelandwashazyinthedistance;hazyinthedistancewaspublic-house,church,post-office,walled-inkitchen-gardenandtennis-court.ButinthelittlecabinJoewasmakingapleasantnoisewithplates….
“Splendid,”saidArchie,puttingdownhisglassandtakingouthispipe.“Nowwhatshallwedo?Ifeelfullofenergy.”
“ThenyouandSimpsoncangetthedinghyoutandtow,”Isuggested.“I’llcoachfromtheArmadillo.”
“Wemightgoforalongbicycleride,”saidMyra;“orcallontheVicaragegirls.”
“Thereisn’treallyverymuchtodo,isthere?”saidDahlia,gently.“I’msorry.”
Simpsonleaptexcitedlyintothebreach.
“I’lltellyouwhatI’lldo—I’llteachyouallthedifferentknotsandthings.Ilearntthemcomingdowninthetrain.Everybodyoughttoknowthem.Archie,oldman,canyouletmehaveapieceofrope?”
“Certainly.Takeanypieceyoulike.Onlysparethemain-sheet.”
SimpsonwentforwardtoconsultJoe,andcamebackwithenoughtohanghimselfwith.Hesatdownoppositetous,wrappedtheropeonceroundhiswaist,andthenbeamedatusoverhisspectacles.
“Nowsupposingyouhadfallendownawell,”hebegan,“andIletthisropedowntoyou,whatwouldyoudowithYOURend?”
Wethoughtdeeplyforamoment.
“Ishouldwaituntilyouwerelookingovertheedge,andthengiveitasharpjerk,”saidArchie.
“OneMUSThavecompanyinawell,”Iagreed.
“They’rebeingsillyagain,”apologizedMyra.“TellME,MrSimpson!Ishouldlovetoknow—I’malwaysfallingdownwells.”
“Well,youtieitroundyoulikethis.Throughthere—andoverthere—andthenbackunderthere.Yousee,itsimplyCAN’Tslip.ThenIshouldpullyouup.”
“Buthowniceofyou.Letmetry.…Oh,yes,that’seasy.”
“Well,thenthere’sthehangman’sknot.”
ArchieandIlookedateachother.
“ThepredicamentsinwhichSimpsonfindshimselfareextraordinarilyvaried,”Isaid.
“Oneofthesedayshe’llbeinawell,andweshallletdownaropetohim,andhe’llhanghimselfbymistake.”
“Thatwouldlookverydetermined.Ontheotherhandtheremustbeannoyingoccasionswhenhestartsouttostranglesomebodyandfindsthathe’spullinghimoutofthecistern.”
“Why,howdelightful,MrSimpson,”saidMyra.“Doshowussomemore.”
“Thosearethemostimportantones.Thenthereareoneortwofancyones.DoyouknowtheMonkey’sClaw?”
“Don’ttouchit,”saidArchiesolemnly.“It’spoison.”
“Oh,Imustshowyouthat.”
JoeshowedmetheMonkey’sClawafterwards,anditisabeautifulthing,butitwasnotabitlikeSimpson’s.Simpsonmusthavestartedbadly,andIthinkheusedtoomuchrope.Afterabouttwentyminutestherewashardlyanyofhimvisibleatall.
“Takeyourtime,Houdini,”saidArchie,“takeyourtime.Justletusknowwhenyou’rereadytobeputintothesafe,that’sall.”
“Youwouldhardlythink,tolookathimnow,”Isaidaminutelater,“thatonedayhe’llbeadearlittlebutterfly.”
dayhe’llbeadearlittlebutterfly.”
“Where’sthesealing-wax,Maria?Youknow,I’mcertainhe’llnevergoforthreepence.”
“WhatIsayis,it’ssimplyhypnoticsuggestion.There’snoropethereatall,really.”
Ananxioussilencefollowed.
“No,”saidSimpsonsuddenly,“I’mdoingitwrong.”
“Fromto-night,”saidArchie,aftertea,“youwillbeputonrations.Onecobnutandathimblefulofsherrywineperdiem.Ihopesomebody’sbroughtathimble.”
“Therereallyisn’tsoverymuchleft,”saidDahlia.
“Thenweshallhavetodrawlotswhoistobeeaten.”
“Don’tweeatourbootsandthingsfirst?”askedMyra.
“ThedoctorsaysImustn’thaveanythingmoresolidthanalightly-boiledshoe-lacethelastthingatnight.”
“Afterall,there’salwaysthedinghy,”saidArchie.“Ifweputinatinofcornedbeefandacompassandakegofgunpowder,somebodymighteasilyrowinandposttheletters.Personally,ascaptain,Imuststicktomyship.”
“There’sanotherwayI’vejustthoughtof,”Isaid.“Let’ssailin.”
Ipointedouttosea,andthere,unmistakably,wastheleastlittlebreezecomingoverthewaters.AminutelaterandourpennantnappedonceSimpsonmoistenedafingerandhelditup.
Thesprintforhomehadbegun.
III.—ADAYASHORE
“Well,whichisittobe?”askedArchie.
“Justwhicheveryoulike,”saidDahlia,“onlymakeupyourminds.”
“Well,Icandoyouaverygoodlineineither.I’vegotalotofseainthefrontofthehouse,andthere’stheArmadillostrainingattheleash;andI’vehadsomelandputdownatthebackofthehouse,andthere’stheSilent-Knighteatinghercarburettoroffinthekennels.”
“Oh,whatcanailthee,Silent-Knight,aloneandpalelyloitering?”askedSimpson.“Keats,”headdedkindly.
“Ass(Shakespeare),”Isaid.
“Ofcourse,ifwesailed,”Simpsonwentoneagerly,“andwegotbecalmedagain,Icouldteachyouchapssignalling.”
Archielookedfromonetotheotherofus.
“Ithinkthatsettlesit,”hesaid,andwentofftoseeaboutthemotor.
“LittleChagford,”saidArchie,ashesloweddown.“Wherearewegoingto,bytheway?”
“Ithoughtwe’djustgoonuntilwefoundaniceplaceforlunch.”
“Andthenonagaintillwefoundaniceplacefortea,”addedMyra.
“Andsohometodinner,”Iconcluded.
“Speakingformyself—”beganSimpson.
“Oh,whynot?”
“IshouldliketoseeachurchwhereKatharineofAragonorsomebodywasburied.”
“Samuel’smorbidcravingforsensation—”
“WaittillwegetbacktoLondon,andI’lltakeyoutoMadameTussaud’s,MrSimpson.”
“Well,Ithinkhe’squiteright,”saidDahlia.“ThereisanoldNormanchurch,Ibelieve,andweoughttogoandseeit.ThePhilistinesneedn’tcomeiniftheydon’twantto.”
“Philistines!”Isaidindignantly.“Well,I’m—”
“Agagged,”suggestedArchie.“Ohno,hewasanAmalekite.”
“You’velivedinthesamecountryasthisfamousoldNormanchurchforyearsandyearsandyears,andyoucaresolittleaboutitthatyou’veneverbeentoseeitandaren’tsurewhetheritwasKatharineofAragonorAlice-for-shortwhowasburiedhere,andnowthatyouHAVEcomeacrossitbyaccidentyouwanttodriveuptoitinabrand-new1910motor-car,withSimpsoninhis1910gent.‘sfancyvestknockingouttheashesofhispipeagainstthelych-gateashegoesin.…Andthat’swhatitistobeoneoftheelect!”
“LittleChagford’snotedback-chatcomedians,”commentedArchie.“Yourturn,Dahlia.”
“Therewasonceaprincewhowaswalkinginaforestnearhiscastleoneday—that’showallthenicestoriesbegin—andhesuddenlycameacrossabeautifulmaiden,andhesaidtohimself,‘I’velivedhereforyearsandyearsandyears,andI’veneverseenherbefore,andI’mnotsurewhetherhernameisKatharineorAlice,orwhereherunclewasburied,andI’vegotanewsurcoatonwhichdoesn’tmatchherwimpleatall,solet’sleaveherandgohometolunch….’AndTHAT’Swhatitistobeoneoftheelect!”
“Don’tgoontoolong,”saidArchie.“Therearetheperformingsealstocomeafteryou.”
Ijumpedoutofthecarandjoinedherintheroad.
“Dahlia,Iapologize,”Isaid.“Youarequiteright.Wewillvisitthislittlechurchtogether,andseewhowasburiedthere.”
Myralookedupfromthebookshehadbeenstudying,JovialJauntsRoundJibmouth.
“Thereisn’tachurchatLittleChagford,”shesaid.“Atleasttherewasn’ttwoyearsago,whenthisbookwaspublished.Sothatlooksasthoughitcan’tbeVERYearlyNorman.”
VERYearlyNorman.”
“Thenlet’sgoon,”saidArchie,afteradeepsilence.
Wefoundamostdelightfullittlespot(whichwasn’tfamousforanything)forlunch,andhadthebasketsoutofthecarinnotime.
“Now,areyougoingtohelpgetthingsready,”askedMyra,“orareyougoingtotakeadvantageofyoursexandwatchDahliaandmedoallthework?”
“Ithoughtwomenalwayslikedtokeepthefoodjobsforthemselves,”Isaid.“IknowI’mneverallowedinthekitchenathome.Besides,I’vegotmoreimportantworktodo—I’mgoingtomakethefire.”
“Whatfire?”
“Youcan’treallyleadthesimplelifeandfeelathomewithNatureuntilyouhavelaidafireoftwigsandbranches,rubbedtwostickstogethertoprocureaflame,andplacedintheashesthepemmicanorwhateveritisthatfallstoyourrifle.”
“Well,Ididgoouttolookforpemmicanthismorning,buttherewerenonerising.”
“ThenIshallhavemyhamsandwichhot.”
“Bread,butter,cheese,eggs,sandwiches,fruit,”cataloguedDahlia,asshetookthemout;“whatelsedoyouwant?”
“I’mwaitinghereforcake,”Isaid.
“Bother,Iforgotthecake.”
“Lookhere,thispicnicisn’tgoingwiththeswingthatonehadlookedfor.Nopemmican,nocake,noearlyNormanchurch.WemightalmostaswellbebackintheCromwellRoad.”
“Doesyourwholehappinessdependoncake?”askedMyrascornfully.
“Toalargeextentitdoes.Archie,”Icalledout,“there’snocake.”
Archiestoppedpattingthecarandcameovertous.“Good.Let’sbegin,”he
Archiestoppedpattingthecarandcameovertous.“Good.Let’sbegin,”hesaid;“I’mhungry.”
“Youdidn’thear.IsaidthereWASN’Tanycake—onthecontrary,thereisanentireabsenceofit,ashortage,avacuum,nottosayalacuna.Intheplacewhereitshouldbethereisanachingvoidormerehard-boiledeggsorsomethingofthatsort.Isay,doesn’tANYBODYmind,exceptme?”
Apparentlynobodydid,sothatitwasuselesstothinkofsendingArchiebackforit.Instead,Ididalittlewrist-workwiththecorkscrew….
“Now,”saidArchie,afterlunch,“beforeyouallgooffwithyourbutterflynets,I’dbettersaythatweshallbemovingonatabouthalf-pastthree.Thatis,unlessoneofyouhasdiscoveredtheslotofaLargeCabbageWhitejustthen,andisfollowingupthetrailverykeenly.”
“IknowwhatI’mgoingtodo,”Isaid,“iftheflieswillletmealone.”
“TellmequicklybeforeIguess,”beggedMyra.
“I’mgoingtolieonmybackandthinkabout—whodoyouthinkdothehardestworkintheworld?”
“Stevedores.”
“ThenIshallthinkaboutstevedores.”
“Areyousure,”askedSimpson,“thatyouwouldn’tlikemetoshowyouthatsignallingnow?”
Iclosedmyeyes.Youknow,Iwondersometimeswhatitisthatmakesapicnicsopleasant.Becausealltheimportantthings,theeatingandthesleeping,onecandoanywhere.
IV.—INTHEWET
Myragazedoutofthewindowuponthedrivingrainandshookherheadattheweather.
weather.
“Ugh!”shesaid.“Ugly!”
“Beast,”Iadded,inorderthatthereshouldbenodoubtaboutwhatwethought.“Utteranddeliberatebeast.”
Wehadarrangedforaparticularlypleasantday.Weweretohavesailedacrosstothemouthofthe—Ialwaysforgetitsname,andthenuptherivertothefamousoldcastleof-of-no,it’sgoneagain;butanyhow,therewastohavebeenabatheintheriver,andlunch,andalittleexplorationinthedinghy,andalessonintheMorsecodefromSimpson,andteainthewoodswitharealfire,andinthecooloftheeveningarippingrunhomebeforethewind.Butnowtheonlythingthatseemedcertainwasthecooloftheevening.
“We’lllightafireanddosomethingindoors,”saidDahlia.
“Thisisanextraordinaryhouse,”saidArchie.“Thereisn’tasinglebookinit,exceptalotofStrandMagazinesfor1907.Thatmusthavebeenaverywetyear.”
“Wecanplaygames,dear.”
“True,darling.Let’sdoacharade.”
“ThelasttimeIplayedcharades,”Isaid,“IwasHoratius,thefrontpartofElizabeth’sfavouritepalfrey,thearrowwhichshotRufus,Jonah,thetwolittlePrincesintheTower,andMrsPankhurst.”
“Whichwasyourfavouritepart?”askedMyra.
“Thefrontpartofthepalfrey.ButIwasverygoodasthetwolittlePrinces.”
“It’snogooddoingcharades,ifthere’snobodytodothemto.”
“Thomasiscomingto-morrow,”saidMyra.“Wecouldtellhimallaboutit.”
“Clumpsisajollygoodgame,”suggestedSimpson.
“ThelasttimeIwasaclump,”Isaid,“Iwasthefirstcoinpaidonaccountofthelastpairofboots,sandals,orwhatnotofthemanwholaidthefirststoneofthehousewherelivedtheprettiestauntofthemanwhorearedthegoosewhichlaid
housewherelivedtheprettiestauntofthemanwhorearedthegoosewhichlaidtheeggfromwhichcamethegoosewhichprovidedthelastquillpenusedbythethirdmanShakespearemetonthesecondWednesdayinJune,1595.”
“Hemightn’thavehadanaunt,”saidMyra,afteraminute’sprofoundthought.
“Hehadn’t.”
“Well,anyhow,onewayandanotheryou’vehadaveryadventurouscareer,mylad,”saidArchie.“Whathappenedthelasttimeyouplayedludo?”
“WhenIplayedclumps,”putinSimpson,“IwasthefavouritespokeofHallCaine’sfirstbicycle.TheyguessedHallCaineandthebicycleandthespokeveryquickly,butnobodythoughtofsuggestingthefavouritespoke.”
Myrawenttothewindowagain,andcamebackwiththenewsthatitwouldprobablybeafineevening.
“Thankyou,”weallsaid.
“ButIwasn’tjustmakingconversation.Ihaveanidea.”
“SilenceforMyra’sidea.”
“Well,it’sthis.Ifwecan’tdoanythingwithoutanaudience,andiftheaudiencewon’tcometous,let’sgotothem.”
“Bealittlemorelucid,there’sadear.Itisn’tthatwearen’ttrying.”
“Wellthen,let’sserenadetheotherhousesabouthereto-night.”
Therewasapowerfulsilencewhileeverybodyconsideredthis.
“Good,”saidArchieatlast.“Wewill.”
Therestofthemorningandalltheafternoonwerespentinpreparations.ArchieandMyrawereallright;oneplaysthebanjoandtheothertheguitar.(Itisamusicalfamily,theMannerings.)Simpsonkeepsacornetwhichhegenerallyputsinhisbag,butIcannotrememberanyoneaskinghimtoplayit.Ifthequestionhaseverarisen,hehasprobablybeenaskednottoplayit.However,hewouldbringitoutto-night.Inanycasehehasatolerablevoice;whileDahliahasalwayssunglikeanangel.Inshort,Iwasthechiefdifficulty.
alwayssunglikeanangel.Inshort,Iwasthechiefdifficulty.
“Isupposetherewouldn’tbetimetolearntheviolin?”Iasked.
“Whydidn’ttheyteachyousomethingwhenyouwereaboy?”wonderedMyra.
“Theydid.Butmymanforgottoputitinmybagwhenhepacked.Heputintwotoothbrushesandleftoutthetriangle.Doyouthinkthere’satriangleshopinthevillage?Igenerallyplayonanisoscelesone,anytwosidesofwhicharetogethergreaterthanthethird.Likewisetheangleswhichareoppositetotheadjacentsides,eachtoeach.”
“Well,youmusttakethecaproundforthemoney.”
“Iwill.Iforgottosaythatmyowntriangleathome,theStrad,isinthechromaticscaleofA,andhasasplice.Itgenerallygetsthechromaticsverybadlyinthewinter.”
Whiletheotherspractisedtheirsongs,Ipractisedtakingthecapround,andbytea-timeweallknewourpartsperfectly.Ihadreceivedpermissiontojoininthechoruses,andIwasalsotobeallowedtodoalittledancewithMyra.WhenyouthinkthatIhadchargeofthefinancialarrangementsaswell,youcanunderstandthatIfeltjustifiedinconsideringmyselftheleaderofthetroupe.
“Infact,”Isaid,“yououghttoblackyourfacessoastodistinguishyourselvesfromme.”
“Wewon’tblackourfaces,”saidDahlia,“butwe’llwearmasks;andwemighteachcarryalittleboardexplainingwhywe’redoingthis.”
“Right,”saidArchie;andhesatdownandwroteanoticeforhimself—
“IAMANORPHAN.SOARETHEOTHERS,BUTTHEYARENOTSOORPHANASIAM.IAMEXTREMELYFREQUENT.”
Dahliasaid—
“WEAREDOINGTHISFORANADVERTISEMENT.IFYOULIKEUS,SENDASHILLINGFORAFREESAMPLECONCERT,MENTIONINGTHISPAPER.YOURMONEYBACKIFWEARENOTSATISFIEDWITHIT.”
Simpsonannounced—
“WORLD’SLONGDISTANCECORNETIST.HOLDEROFTHEOBOERECORDONGRASS.RUNNER-UPINTHEOCARINAWELTERWEIGHTS(STRANGLEHOLDBARRED).MIXEDZITHERCHAMPION(1907,COVEREDCOURTS).”
Myrasaid—
“KINDFRIENDS,HELPUS.WEWEREWRECKEDTHISAFTERNOON.THECORNETWASSINKINGFORTHETHIRDTIMEWHENITWASRESCUED,ANDHADTOBEBROUGHTROUNDBYARTIFICIALRESPIRATION.CANYOUSPAREUSADRINKOFWATER?”
AsformyselfIhadtohandtheSimpsonyachtingcapround,andmynoticesaid—
“WEWANTYOURMONEY.IFYOUCANNOTGIVEUSANY,FORHEAVEN’SSAKEKEEPTHECAP.”
Wehadanearlydinner,soastobeintimetoserenadeourvictimswhentheywerefinishingtheirownmealandfeelingfriendlytotheworld.Thenwewentupstairsanddressed.DahliaandMyrahadkimonos,Simpsonputonhisdressing-gown,inwhichhefancieshimselfagooddeal,andArchieandIworebrilliantly-colouredpyjamasoverourotherclothes.
“Let’ssee,”saidSimpson,“Istartoffwith‘TheMinstrelBoy,’don’tI?Andthenwhatdowedo?”
“Thenwehelpyoutoescape,”saidArchie.“Afterthat,Dahliasings‘SantaLucia,’andMyraandIgivethemaduet,andifyou’rebackbythenwithyourfalsenoseproperlyfixeditmightbesafeforyoutojoininthechorusofacoonsong.Nowthen,areweallready?”
“What’sthat?”saidMyra.
Wealllistened…andthenweopenedthedoor.
Itwaspouring.
V.—MAROONED
“Stroke,you’relate,”saidThomas,buttingmeviolentlyinthebackwithhisoar.
“MydearThomas,whenyouhavebeenintheAdmiraltyalittlelongeryouwillknowthat‘bow’isnotthegentlemanwhosetsthetime.WhatdoyousupposewouldhappenatQueen’sHallifthesecondbird-callsaidtotheconductor,‘Henry,you’relate’?”
“Thewholegallerywouldgooutandgetitshaircut,”saidArchie.
“I’mnotusedtotheMorsesystemofrowing,that’sthetrouble,”explainedThomas.“Long-short,short-short-long,short-long.You’respellingoutthemostawfulthings,ifyouonlyknew.”
“Becarefulhowyouinsultme,Thomas.AlittlemoreandIshalltellthemwhathappenedtoyouontheornamentalwatersinRegent’sParkthatroughday.”
“Really?”askedSimpsonwithinterest.
“Yes;IfancyhehadbeenratheroverdoingitatSwedishdrillthatmorning.”
Wegaveherteninsilence,andthenbymutualconsentrestedonouroars.
“There’salongwayyet,”saidMyra.“DahliaandIwillrowifyou’retired.”
“Thisisaninsult,Thomas.Shallwesitdownunderit?”
“Yes,”saidThomas,gettingup;“onlyinanotherpartoftheboat.”
Wegaveupourseatstotheladies(eveninaboatoneshouldbepolite)andfromapositioninthesternwaitedwithturned-upcoat-collarsforthewatertocomeonboard.
“Wemighthavesailedupalittlehigher,”remarkedSimpson.“It’sallright,I’mnotabitwet,thanks.”
“It’stooshallow,exceptathightide,”saidMyra.“TheArmadillowouldhave
“It’stooshallow,exceptathightide,”saidMyra.“TheArmadillowouldhavegoneagroundandlostallher—hershell.Doarmadilloeshaveshells,orwhat?”
“Feathers.”
“Well,we’reaprettygoodbank-holidaycrowdforthedinghy,”saidArchie.“Simpson,ifweupset,savethemilkandthesandwiches;mywifecanswim.”
Thewoodswerenowbeginningtocomedowntotheriveronbothsides,butontherightagrassyslopebrokethematthewater’sedgeforsomefiftyyards.Thitherwerowed,andafteralittlecomplicatedmanoeuvringlandedsuddenly,Simpson,whowasstandinginthebowswiththeboat-hook,beingeasilythefirsttoreachtheshore.Hegotupquickly,however,apologized,andhelpedtheladiesandthehampersout.Thereafterhewasbusyforsometime,makingthedinghyfastwithaknotpeculiarlyhisown.
“Thefirstthingtodoistobuildapalisadetokeepthesavagesoff,”saidArchie,andhestucktheboat-hookintotheground.“Afterwhichyouarerequestedtolightfirestofrightenthewildbeasts.Thewoodbinesareverywildatthistimeoftheyear.”
“Weshallhavetolightafireanyhowforthetea,sothatwillbeveryuseful,”saidthethoughtfulDahlia.
“Imyself,”Isaid,“willswimouttothewreckforthemusketandthebagofnails.”
“Asyou’regoing,”saidMyra,unpacking,“youmightgetthesugaraswell.We’veforgottenit.”
“Nowyou’vespoiltmywholeholiday.Itwasbadenoughwiththecakelastweek,butthisisfar,farworse.Ishallgointothewoodandeatberries.”
“It’sallright,hereitis.Nowyou’rehappyagain.Iwish,ifyouaren’ttoobusy,you’dgointothewoodandcollectsticksforthefire.”
“Iamunusuallybusy,”Isaid,“andthereisalongqueueofclientswaitingformeintheante-room.Anextremelylongqueue—almostahalf-buttinfact.”
Iwanderedintothewoodalone.ArchieandDahliahadgonearm-in-armupthehilltolookataview,SimpsonwashelpingMyrawiththehampers,and
hilltolookataview,SimpsonwashelpingMyrawiththehampers,andThomas,thelatestarrivalfromtown,waslyingonhisback,tellingthemwhatheallegedtobeagoodstorynowgoingroundLondon.Myratoldittomeafterwards,andweagreedthatasaboyithadgoneroundtheworldseveraltimesfirst.YetIheardherlaughunaffectedly—whatangelswomenare!
TenminuteslaterIreturnedwithmyspoil,andlaiditbeforethem.
“Apieceofbrownbreadfromthebread-fruittree,apieceofindiarubberfromthemangotree,achutneyfromthebananagrove,andanomeletfromtheturtlerun,Imissedthechutneywithmyfirstbarrel,andbroughtitdownratherluckilywiththericochet.”
“Buthowfunny;theyalllookjustlikesticksofwood.”
“ThatisNature’splanofprotectivecolouring.Inthesamewayapricotshaveoftenescapedwiththeirlivesbysittinginthecreamandpretendingtobepoachedeggs.”
“Thesameinstinctofself-preservation,”addedArchie,“hasledmanyapillcalledBeauchamptopronounceitsnameCholmondeley.”
Simpsonbeggedtobeallowedtoshowushowtolightafire,andwehadn’tthehearttorefusehim.Itwas,hesaid,thewaytheylitfiresontheveldt(andotherplaceswheretheywantedfires),anditwentoutthefirsttimebecausethewindmusthavechangedroundafterhehadbeguntolaythewood.Hegotthedraughtintherightplacethenexttime,andforamomentwethoughtweshouldhavetotaketotheboats;butthecaptainavertedapanic,andthefirewasgotunder.Thenthekettlewasputon,andofalltheboiledwaterIhaveevertastedthiswasthebest.
“Youknow,”saidArchie,“inSimpsonthenationhaslostawonderfulscoutmaster.”
“Oh,Samuel,”criedMyra,“tellushowyoutrackedthemulesthatafternoon,andknewtheywerewoundedbecauseoftheblood.”
“TellusaboutthattimewhenyoubribedtheregimentalanchovyofTroopBtobetraythesecretpasswordtoyou.”
“Iignoreyoubecauseyou’rejealous.MayIhavesomemoretea,MissMannering?”
Mannering?”
“CallmeMyra,ScoutmasterSimpsonofTheSpectatortroop,andyoushall.”
“Iblushformyunblushingsex,”saidDahlia.
“Iblushformyfamily,”saidArchie.“Thatayounggirlofgentlebirth,nurturedinapeacefulEnglishhome,broughtupinanatmosphereofold-worldcourtesy,shouldsofarforgetherselfastoattempttowheedleapromisingyoungscoutmaster,whocanlightafire,practicallyspeaking,backwards—this,Irepeat,istoomuch.”
ItwasThomaswhochangedthesubjectsoabruptly.
“Isupposethetidecomesasfarasthis?”hesaid.
“Itdoes,captain.”
“Thenthatwouldaccountfortheboathavinggone.”
“ThatandSimpson’sspecialknot,”Isaid,keepingcalmforthesakeofthewomenandchildren.
Archiejumpedupwithashout.Theboatwasabouttwentyyardsfromtheshore,goingveryslowlyupstream.
“It’sverybadtobathejustafteraheavymeal,”Iremindedhim.
“I’mnotsurethatI’mgoingto,butI’mquitesurethatoneofuswillhaveto.”
“Walkuptheriverwithit,”saidMyra,“whileDahliaandIpack,andtheonewho’sfirstdigestedgoesin.”
Wewalkedup.Ifeltthatinmyowncasetheprocessofassimilationwouldbealengthyone.
VI.—ALITTLECRICKETFORANENDING
Wecamebackfroma“MenOnly”sailtofindMyrabubblingoverwithexcitement.
“I’vegotsomenewsforyou,”shesaid,“butI’mnotgoingtotellyoutilldinner.Bequickandchange.”
“Bother,she’sgoingtogetmarried,”Imurmured.
Myragurgledanddroveusoff.
“Putonallyourmedalsandorders,Thomas,”shecalledupthestairs;“and,Archie,it’sachampagnenight.”
“Ibelieve,oldfellow,”saidSimpson,“she’smarriedalready.”
Halfanhourlaterwewereallreadyforthenews.
“Justamoment,Myra,”saidArchie.“I’dbetterwarnyouthatwe’reexpectingagooddeal,andthatifyoudon’tliveuptotheexcitementyou’vecreated,you’llbestoodinthecornerfortherestofdinner.”
“She’squitesafe,”saidDahlia.
“OfcourseIam.Well,nowI’mgoingtobegin.Thismorning,abouteleven,Iwentandhadabathe,andImetanothergirlinthesea.”
“Horriblycrowdedtheseaisgettingnowadays,”commentedArchie.
“Andshebegantotalkaboutwhatajollydayitwasandsoon,andIgavehermycard—ImeanIsaid,‘I’mMyraMannering.’Andshesaid,‘I’msureyou’rekeenoncricket.’”
“Ilikethewaygirlstalkinthesea,”saidArchie.“Sodirect.”
“WhatisthereaboutourMyra,”Iasked,“thatstampsherasacricketer,evenwhenshe’sonlygotherheadabovewater?”
“She’dseenmeonland,silly.Well,wewentontalking,andatlastshesaid,‘WillyouplayusatmixedcricketonSaturday?’AndabigwavecamealongandwentinsidemejustasIwassayingyes.”
“Hooray!Myra,yourhealth.”
“Hooray!Myra,yourhealth.”
“We’reonlysix,though,”addedArchie.“Didn’tyouswimupagainstanybodyelsewholookedlikeacricketerandmightplayforus?”
“ButwecaneasilypickupfivepeoplebySaturday,”saidMyraconfidently.“Andoh,Idohopewe’reinform;wehaven’tplayedforyears.”
…….
Welostthetoss,andMyraledherteamoutontothefield.Thelastfiveplacesintheelevenhadbeenfilledwithcare:apreparatoryschool-boyandhislittlesister(foundbyDahliaonthebeach),MissDebenham(foundbySimpsonontheroadwithapuncturedbicycle),MrsOakley(foundbyArchieatthestationandre-discoveredbyMyraintheChannel),andSarah,ajollygirlofsixteen(foundbymeandThomasinthetobacconist’s,whereshewasbuyingTheSportsman).
“Wherewouldyouallliketofield?”askedthecaptain.
“Let’sstandroundingroups,justatthestart,andthenseewherewe’rewanted.Who’sgoingtobowl?”
“MeandSamuel.IwonderifIdarebowloverhand.”
“I’mgoingto,”saidSimpson.
“Youcan’t,notwithyourlefthand.”
“Whynot?Hirstdoes.”
“ThenIshan’tfieldpoint,”saidThomaswithdecision.
However,asithappened,itwasshortlegwhoreceivedthefirsttwoballs,beautifulswervingwides,whilethenexttwowerewellcaughtandreturnedbythirdman.Simpson’srangebeingthusestablished,hemadeadeterminedattackontheoverproperwithlobs,andmanagedtowipeoffhalfofit.Encouragedbythis,hereturnedwithsuchsuccesstooverhandthattheverynextballgotintotheanalysis,thebatsmanreachingoutandhittingitoverthehedgeforsix.Two
theanalysis,thebatsmanreachingoutandhittingitoverthehedgeforsix.Twomorerange-findersfollowedbeforeSimpsonscoredanotherdotwithasneak;andthen,atwhatshouldhavebeenthelastball,atragedyoccurred.
“Wide,”saidtheumpire.
“But—butIwasb-bowlingUNDERHAND,”stammeredSimpson.
“Nowyou’venothingtofallbackon,”Ipointedout.
Simpsonconsideredthenewsituation.“Thenyoufellowscan’tmindifIgoonwithoverhand,”hesaidjoyfully,andheplayedhistwelfth.
Itwasthebatsman’sownfault.Likeatruegentlemanhewentaftertheball,caughtitupnearpoint,andhitithardinthedirectionofcover.Sarahshotupahandunconcernedly.
“Oneforsix,”saidSimpson,andwentovertoMissDebenhamtoexplainhowhedidit.
“Hemustcomeoff,”saidArchie.“Wehaveareputationtokeepup.It’shislefthand,ofcourse,butwecan’tgoroundtoallthespectatorsandexplainthathecanreallybowlquitedecentlonghopswithhisright.”
Inthenextovernothingmuchhappened,exceptthatMissDebenhammissedasitter.SubsequentlySimpsoncaughthereyefromanotherpartofthefield,andexplainedtelegraphicallytoherhowsheshouldhavedrawnherhandsintoreceivetheball.ThethirdoverwasentrustedtoSarah.
“Sofar,”saidDahlia,halfanhourlater,“theRabbitshavenotshone.Sarahisdoingitall.”
“Hangit,Dahlia,ThomasandIdiscoveredthechild.Givethecreditwhereitisdue.”
“Well,whydon’tyouputmyBobbyon,then?Boysareallowedtoplayright-handed,youknow.”
SoBobbywenton,andwithSarah’shelpfinishedofftheinnings.
“Jollygoodrot,”hesaidtoSimpson,“you’rehavingtobowlleft-handed.”
“Jollygoodrot,”hesaidtoSimpson,“you’rehavingtobowlleft-handed.”
“MydearRobert,”Isaid,“MrSimpsonisanaturalbase-ballpitcher,hehasanacquiredswerveatbandy,andheisalepidopteristofconsiderablecharm.Buthecan’tbowlwitheitherhand.”
“Coo!”saidBobby.
Thealliescameoutevenmorestronglywhenwewentintobat.IwastheonlyRabbitwhomadeten,andmywholeinningswasplayedinanatmosphereofsuspicionverytryingtoasensitiveman.MrsOakleywasinwhenItookguard,andIplayedouttheoverwithgreatcare,beingmorallybowledbyeveryball.Attheendofitahorriblethoughtoccurredtome:Ihadbeenbattingright-handed!NaturallyIchangedroundformynextball.(Movementsofsurprise.)
“Hallo,”saidthewicket-keeper,“Ithoughtyouwereleft-handed;whyaren’tyouplayingright?”
“No,I’mreallyright-handed,”Isaid.“Iplayedthatwaybymistakejustnow.Sorry.”
Hegruntedsceptically,andthebowlercameuptohavethingsexplainedtoher.ThenextballIhitleft-handedforsix.(LOUDMUTTERS.)
“Ishereallyright-handed?”thebowleraskedMrsOakley.
“Idon’tknow,”shesaid,“I’veneverseenhimbefore.”(SENSATION.)
“Ithink,ifyoudon’tmind,we’dratheryouplayedright-handed.”
“Certainly.”Thenextballwasafullpitch,andItookaright-handedsix.Therewasanawfulhush.Ilookedroundatthefieldandpreparedtorunforit.Ifeltthattheysuspectedmeofalltheundiscoveredcrimesoftheyear.
“Lookhere,”Isaid,nearlycrying,“I’llplayanywayyoulike—sideways,orupsidedown,orhangingontothebranchofatree,or—”
Theatmospherewastoomuchforme.Itrodonmywickets,burstintotears,andboltedtothetent.
…….
“Well,”saidDahlia,“wewon.”
“Yes,”weallagreed,“wewon.”
“Evenifwedidn’tdomuchofitourselves,”Simpsonpointedout,“wehadjollygoodfun.”
“WealwayshaveTHAT,”saidMyra.
THEHOUSE-WARMING
I.—WORKFORALL
“Well,”saidDahlia,“whatdoyouthinkofit?”
Iknockedtheashesoutofmyafter-breakfastpipe,arrangedthecushionsofmydeck-chair,andletmyeyeswanderlazilyoverthehouseanditssurroundings.Afterayearofhotelsandotherpeople’shouses,DahliaandArchiehadcomeintotheirown.
“I’venocomplaints,”Isaidhappily.
Avisionofwhiteandgoldappearedinthedoorwayandglidedoverthelawntowardus—Myrawithajug.
“Noneatall,”saidSimpson,sittingupeagerly.
“ButThomasisn’tquitesatisfiedwithoneofthebathrooms,I’mafraid.IheardhimsayingsomethinginthepassageaboutitthismorningwhenIwasinside.”
“Iaskedifyou’dgonetosleepinthebath,”explainedThomas.
“Ihadn’t.Itispracticallyimpossible,Thomas,togotosleepinacoldbath.”
“Except,perhaps,foraCivilServant,”saidBlair.
“Exactly.OfthepracticeintheAdmiraltyThomascantelluslateron.FormyselfIwasatthewindowlookingatthebeautifulview.”
“Whycan’tyoulookatitfromyourownwindowinsteadofkeepingpeopleoutofthebathroom?”gruntedThomas.
“Becausetheviewfrommyroomisanentirelydifferentone.”
“Thereisnostintinthishouse,”Dahliapointedout.
“No,”saidSimpson,jumpingupexcitedly.
“No,”saidSimpson,jumpingupexcitedly.
Myraputthejugofciderdowninfrontofus.
“There!”shesaid.“Pleasecountit,andseethatIhaven’tdrunkanyontheway.”
“Thisisawfullyniceofyou,Myra.AndacompletesurprisetoallofusexceptSimpson.Weshallprobablybehereagainto-morrowaboutthesametime.”
Therewasalongsilence,brokenonlybytheextremelyjollysoundofliquidfallingfromaheight.
JustasitwascomingtoanendArchieappearedsuddenlyamongusanddroppedonthegrassbythesideofDahlia.Simpsonlookedguiltilyattheemptyjug,andthenleantdowntohishost.
“TO-MORROW!”hesaidinastagewhisper.“ABOUTTHESAMETIME.”
“Idoubtit,”saidArchie.
“Iknowitforafact,”protestedSimpson.
“I’mafraidMyraandSamuelmadeanassignationforthismorning,”saidDahlia.
“There’snothinginit,really,”saidMyra.“He’sonlytriflingwithme.Hedoesn’tmeananything.”
Simpsonburiedhisconfusedheadinhisglass,andproceededtochangethesubject.
“Wealllikeyourhouse,Archie,”hesaid.
“Wedo,”Iagreed,“andwethinkit’sveryniceofyoutoaskusdowntoopenit.”
“Itisrather,”saidArchie.
“Wearedetermined,therefore,todoallwecantogivethehouseahomeyappearance.IdidwhatIcouldforthebathroomthismorning.Iflattermyselfthatthetaintofnewnesshasnowbeendispelled.”
“Iwassureitwasyou,”saidMyra.“Howdoyougetthewaterrightupthewalls?”
“Easily.Further,Archie,ifyouwantanysuggestionsastohowtoimprovetheplace,ourideasareatyourdisposal.”
“Forinstance,”saidThomas,“wheredoweplaycricket?”
“Bytheway,youfellows,”announcedSimpson,“I’vegivenupplayingcricket.”
Wealllookedathiminconsternation.
“Doyoumeanyou’vegivenupBOWLING?”saidDahlia,withwide-openeyes.
“Aren’tyouevergoingtowalktothewicketsagain?”askedBlair.
“Aren’tyouevergoingtowalkbacktothepavilionagain?”askedArchie.
“WhatwillMontgomeryshiresay?”wonderedMyraintonesofawe.
“MayIhaveyourbeltandyoursand-shoes?”Ibegged.
“It’sthecider,”saidThomas.“Iknewhewasoverdoingit.”
Simpsonfixedhisglassesfirmlyonhisnoseandlookedroundatusbenignly.
“I’vegivenitupforgolf,”heobserved.
“Traitor,”saideveryone.
“AndtheTriangularTournamentarrangedfor,andeverything,”addedMyra.
“Youcouldmakeajollylittlecourseroundhere,”wentontheinfatuatedvictim.“Ifyoulike,Archie,I’ll—”
Archiestoodupandmadeaspeech.
“Ladiesandgentlemen,”hesaid,“at11.30to-morrowpreciselyIinviteyoutothepaddockbeyondthekitchen-garden.”
“MyraandIhaveanappointment,”putinSimpsonhastily.
“Anetwillbeerected,”Archiewenton,ignoringhim,“andMrSimpsonwilltakehisstandtherein,whileweallbowlathim—or,ifanypreferit,atthewicket—forfiveminutes.Hewillthenbowlatusforanhour,afterwhichhewillhaveanotherhour’ssmartfieldingpractice.Ifheisstillaliveandstilltalksaboutgolf,whythen,Iwon’tsaybutwhathemightn’tbeallowedtoplanoutalittlecourse—or,atanyrate,todoalittlepreliminaryweeding.”
“Goodman,”saidSimpson.
“Andifanybodyelsethinkshehasgivenupcricketforludoorcroquetororangesandlemons,thenhecandevotehimselftoplanningoutalittlecourseforthattoo—oranyhowtoremovingafewplantainsinpreparationforit.Infact,ladiesandgentlemen,allIwantisforyoutomakeyourselvesashappyandasusefulasyoucan.”
“It’swhatyou’reherefor,”saidDahlia.
II.—AGALAPERFORMANCE
THEsuncameintomyroomearlynextmorningandwokemeup.Itwasfollowedimmediatelybyalargeblue-bottlewhichsettleddowntoplaywithme.Weadoptedtheusualformation,theblue-bottlekeepingmostlytothebackofthecourtwhilstIwaitedatthenetforakill.AftertwosetsIdecidedtochangemytactics.IlookedupattheceilingandpretendedIwasn’tplaying.Theblue-bottlesettledonmynoseandwalkedupmyforehead.“Heavens!”Icried,claspingmyhandsuddenlytomybrow,“I’veforgottenmytoothbrush!”Thistookitcompletelybysurprise,andIremoveditscorpseintothecandlestick.
ThenSimpsoncameinwithagolfclubinhishand.
“GreatScott,”heshouted,“you’renotstillinbed?”
“Iamnot.Thisistelepathicsuggestion.YouthinkI’minbed;Iappeartobeinbed;inrealitythereisnobedhere.Dogoaway—Ihaven’thadawinkofsleepyet.”
“But,man,lookatthelovelymorning!”
“But,man,lookatthelovelymorning!”
“Simpson,”Isaidsternly,rollingupthesleevesofmypyjamaswithgreatdeliberation,“Ihavehadonevisitoralreadyto-day.Hiscorpseisnowinthecandlestick.Itisanomen,Simpson.”
“Ithoughtyou’dliketocomeoutsidewithme,andI’dshowyoumyswing.”
“Yes,yes,Ishallliketoseethat,butAFTERbreakfast,Simpson.Isupposeoneofthegardenersputitupforyou?Youmustshowmeyourboxofsoldiersandyourtricyclehorse,too.Butrunawaynow,there’sagoodboy.”
“Mygolf-swing,idiot.”
Isatupinbedandstaredathiminsheeramazement.Foralongtimewordswouldn’tcometome.Simpsonbackednervouslytothedoor.
“IsawtheCoronation,”Isaidatlast,andIdroppedbackonmypillowandwenttosleep.
……
“Ifeelveryimportant,”saidArchie,comingontothelawnwhereMyraandIwereplayingaquietgameofbowlswiththecroquetballs.“I’vebeenpayingthewages.”
“ArchieandIdohateitso,”saidDahlia.“I’mluckier,becauseIonlypaymineonceamonth.”
“Itwouldbemuchniceriftheydiditforlove,”saidArchie,“andjustacceptedatie-pinoccasionally.IneverknowwhattosaywhenIhandamaneighteen-and-six.”
“Here’seighteen-and-six,”Isuggested,“anddon’tbitethehalf-sovereign,becauseitmaybebad.”
“Youshouldshakehishand,”saidMyra,“andsay,‘Thankyouverymuchfortheazaleas.’”
theazaleas.’”
“Oryoumightwrapthemoneyupinpaperandleaveitforhiminoneofthebeds.”
“Andthenyou’dknowwhetherhehadmadeitproperly.”
“Well,you’reallveryhelpful,”saidArchie.“Thankyouextremely.Wherearetheothers?It’sapitythattheyshouldbeleftoutofthis.”
“Simpsondisappearedafterbreakfastwithhisgolf-clubs.Heisinhighdudgeon—whichisthesurnameofasmallfish—becausenoonewantedtoseehisswing.”
“Oh,butIdo,”saidDahliaeagerly.“Whereishe?”
“Wewilltrackhimdown,”announcedArchie.“Iwillgotothestables,unchainthetruffle-hounds,andshowthemoneofhisreversiblecuffs.”
WefoundSimpsoninthepig-sty.Thethirdhole,ashewasplanningitoutforArchie,necessitatedthecarryingofthefarmbuildings,whichhedescribedasanaturalhazard.Unfortunately,hisballhadfallenintoacasualpig-sty.Ithadnotyetbeendecidedwhethertheballcouldbepickedoutwithoutpenalty—themoreimmediateneedbeingtofindtheblessedthing.SoSimpsonwasinthepig-sty,searching.
“Ifyou’relookingfortheoldsow,”Isaid,“theresheis,justbehindyou.”
“What’sthelocalruleaboutloosepigsblownontothecourse?”askedArchie.
“Oh,youfellows,thereyouare,”saidSimpsonrapidly.“I’mgettingonfirst-rate.Thisisthethirdhole,Archie.Itwillberathergood,Ithink;thegreenisjusttheothersideofthepond.Icanmakeaverysportinglittlecourse.”
“We’vecometoseeyourswing,Samuel,”saidMyra.“Canyoudoitinthere,orisittoocrowded?”
“I’llcomeout.Thisball’slost,I’mafraid.”
“Oneofthelittlepigswilleatit,”complainedArchie,“andweshallhaveindiarubbercrackling.”
Simpsoncameoutandproceededtogivehisdisplay.Fortunatelytheweatherkeptfine,theconditionsindeedbeingallthatcouldbedesired.Thesunshonebrightly,andtherewasaslightbreezefromthesouthwhichtemperedtheheatandinnowaymilitatedagainstthegeneralenjoyment.Theperformancewasdividedintotwoparts.ThefirstpartconsistedofMrSimpson’sswingWITHOUTtheball,thesecondpartbeingdevotedtoMrSimpson’sswingWITHtheball.
“Thisismyswing,”saidSimpson.
Hesettledhimselfostentatiouslyintohisstanceandplacedhisclub-headstifflyonthegroundthreefeetawayfromhim.
“Middle,”saidArchie.
Simpsonfrownedandbegantowagglehisclub.Hewaggleditcarefullyadozentimes.
“It’saveryniceswing,”saidMyraattheendoftheninthmovement,“butisn’titrathershort?”
Simpsonsaidnothing,butdrewhisclubslowlyandjerkilyback,twistinghisbodyandkeepinghiseyefixedonanimaginaryballuntilthebackofhisneckhiditfromsight.
“Youcanseeitbetterroundthissidenow,”suggestedArchie.
“He’llsplitifhegoeson,”saidThomasanxiously.
“Watchthis,”IwarnedMyra.“He’sgoingtopickapinoutofthebackofhiscalfwithhisteeth.”
ThenSimpsonlethimselfgo,finishingupinaverycreditableknotindeed.
“That’squitegood,”saidDahlia.“Doesitdoaswellwhenthere’saball?”
“Well,Imissitsometimes,ofcourse.”
“Wealldothat,”saidThomas.
Thusencouraged,Simpsonputdownaballandbegantoaddressit.Itwas
Thusencouraged,Simpsonputdownaballandbegantoaddressit.Itwasapparentatoncethatthelastaddresshadbeenonlyhistelegraphicone;thiswasthegenuineaffair.Afterwhatseemedtobefourorfiveminutestherewasageneralfeelingthatsomeapologywasnecessary.Simpsonrecognizedthishimself.
“I’malittlenervous,”hesaid.
“Notsonervousasthepigsare,”saidArchie.
Simpsonfinishedhisaddressandgotontohisswing.Heswung.Hehittheball.Theball,whichseemedtohavetoomuchleft-handsideonit,whizzedoffanddisappearedintothepond.Itsank….
Luckilytheweatherhadhelduptillthelast.
“Well,well,”saidArchie,“it’stimeforlunch.Wehavehadariotousmorning.Let’salltakeiteasythisafternoon.”
III.—UNEXPECTEDGUESTS
SometimesIdoalittleworkinthemorning.Doctorsareagreednowthatanoccasionalspellofworkinthemorningdoesn’tdomeanyharm.Myannouncementatbreakfastthatthiswasoneofthemorningswasgreetedwithasurprisedenthusiasmwhichwasmostflattering.Archieofferedmehisownroomwherehedoeshisthinking;Simpsonofferedmeanib;andDahliapromisedmeaquiettimetilllunch.Ithankedthemallandsettleddowntowork.
ButDahliadidn’tkeepherpromise.Myfirsthourwaspeaceful,butafterthatIhadinquiriesbyeverypost.BlairlookedintoknowwhereMyrawas;ArchieaskedifI’dseenDahliaanywhere;andwhenfinallyThomas’sheadappearedinthedoorwayIdecidedthatIhadhadenoughofit.
“Oh,Isay,”beganThomas,“willyoucomeand—butIsupposeyou’rebusy.”
“Nottoobusy,”Isaid,“tospareawordortwoforanoldfriend,”andIpickedupthedictionarytothrowathim.ButhewasgonebeforeIcouldtakeaim.
“Thisistheend,”Isaidtomyself,andafterfiveminutesmoredecidedtogiveupworkandseekrefreshmentandcongenialconversation.TomysurpriseIfoundneither.Everyroomseemedtobeempty,thetennislawnwasdeserted,andArchie’scricket-bagandSimpson’sgolf-clubsrestedpeacefullyinthehall.Somethingwasgoingon.Iwentbacktomyworkanddecidedtohavethesecretoutatlunch.
“Nowthen,”Isaid,whenthatblessedhourarrived,“tellmeaboutit.You’vedesertedmeallmorning,butI’mnotgoingtobeleftout.”
“It’syourfaultforshuttingyourselfup.”
“Duty,”Isaid,slappingmychest—“duty,”andIknockedmyglassoverwithanelbow.“Oh,Dahlia,I’mhorriblysorry.MayIgoandstandinthecorner?”
“Let’stalkveryfastandpretendwedidn’tnoticeit,”saidMyra,helpingmetomop.“Goon,Archie.”
“Well,it’slikethis,”saidArchie.“AlittlewhileagotheVicarcalledhere.”
“Idon’tseethatthat’sanyreasonforkeepingmeinthebackground.IhavemetclergymenbeforeandIknowwhattosaytothem.”
“WhenIsayalittlewhileagoImeanaboutthreeweeks.We’dhaveaskedyoudownforthenightifwe’dknownyouweresokeenonclergymen.Well,astheresultofthatunfortunatevisit,theschooltreattakesplaceherethisafternoon,andlorblessmeifIhadn’tforgottenallaboutittillthismorning.”
“You’llhavetohelp,please,”saidDahlia.
“Onlydon’tspillanything,”saidThomas.
TheyhaveapoorsenseofhumourintheAdmiralty.
…….
Itookababyineachhandandwanderedofftolookforbees.Theiridea,not
Itookababyineachhandandwanderedofftolookforbees.Theiridea,notmine.
“Thebestbeesareroundhere,”Isaid,andIledthemalongtothefrontofthehouse.OnthelawnwasMyra,surroundedbyabouteightbabies.
“Twomoreforyourcollection,”Iannounced.“Veryfinespecimens.Thewordwiththemisbees.”
“Aren’ttheydarlings?Sitdown,babies,andtheprettygentlemanwilltellusallastory.”
“Meaningme?”Iaskedinsurprise.Myralookedbeseechinglyatmeasshearrangedthechildrenallroundher.Isatdownnearthemandtriedtothink.
“Onceuponatime,”Isaid,“therewasa—a—therewasa—wasa—abee.”
Myranoddedapprovingly.Sheseemedtolikethestorysofar.Ididn’t.Thegreatdearthofadventuresthatcouldhappentoabeewasrevealedtomeinaflash.IsawthatIhadbeenhasty.
“Atleast,”Iwenton,“hethoughthewasabee,butashegrewuphisfriendsfeltthathewasnotreallyabeeatall,butadearlittlerabbit.Hisfurwastoolongforabee.”
Myrashookherheadatmeandfrowned.Mystorywasgettingover-subtlefortheinfantmind.Ideterminedtostraightenitoutfinally.
“However,”Iadded,“theoldnamestucktohim,andtheyallcalledhimabee.NowthenIcangeton.WherewasI?”
Butatthismomentmystorywasinterrupted.
“Comehere,”shoutedArchiefromthedistance.“You’rewanted.”
“I’msorry,”Isaid,gettingupquickly.“Willyoufinishthestoryforme?You’dbetterleaveoutthepartwherehestingstheShahofPersia.That’stooexciting.Good-bye.”AndIhurriedafterArchie.
“HelpSimpsonwithsomeoftheseraces,”saidArchie.“He’sgettinghimselfintothedickensofamess.”
Simpsonhadstartedtworacessimultaneously;hencethetrouble.Inoneofthemthebiggerboyshadtoracetoasackcontainingtheirboots,rescuetheirownpair,putthemon,andracebacktothestarting-point.Good!Intheotherthesmallerboys,eacharmedwithapapercontainingaprobleminarithmetic,hadtoruntotheirsisters,waitfortheproblemtobesolved,andthenrunbackwiththeanswer.Excellent!Simpsonathismostinventive.Unfortunately,whenthebootlessboysarrivedattheturningpost,theyfoundnothingbutasmallprobleminarithmeticawaitingthem,whileontheadjoiningstretchofgrassyoungmathematiciansweretrying,withthehelpoftheirsisters,togetintotwopairsofbootsatonce.
“Hallo,thereyouare,”saidSimpson.“Dohelpme;Ishallbemobbedinamoment.It’sthemothers.Theythinkthewholethingisaschemeforstealingtheirchildren’sboots.Can’tyoustartaraceforthem?”
“Youneveroughttogoaboutwithoutsomebody.Where’sThomas?”
“He’splayingrounders.Hescoredarounderbyhimselfjustnowfromanoverthrow,butweshallhearaboutitatdinner.Lookhere,there’sagamecalled‘TwosandThrees.’Couldn’tyoustartthemothersatthat?Youstandintwos,andwheneveranyonestandsinfrontofthetwothenthepersonbehindthetworunsaway.”
“Areyousure?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”saidSimpson.
“Itsoundstooexcitingtobetrue.Ican’tbelieveit.”
“Goon,there’sagoodchap.They’llknowhowtoplayallright.”
“Oh,verywell.Dotheytaketheirbootsofffirstornot?”
TwosandThreeswasagreatsuccess.
IfoundthatIhadquiteaFLAIRforthegame.Iseemedtotaketoitnaturally.
BythetimeourmatchwasfinishedSimpson’slittlefootweartroublewasoverandhewasorganizingagrandthree-leggedrace.
“Ithinktheyareallenjoyingit,”saidDahlia.
“Ithinktheyareallenjoyingit,”saidDahlia.
“Theyloveit,”Isaid;“Thomasisperfectlyhappymakingrounders.”
“ButImeantthechildren.Don’tyouthinktheyloveittoo?ThebabiesseemsohappywithMyra.Isupposeshe’stellingthemstories.”
“Ithinkso.She’sgotratheragoodoneaboutabee.Oh,yes,they’rehappyenoughwithher.”
“Ihopetheyallhadenoughtoeatattea.”
“AllowingforalittlenaturalshynessIthinktheydidwell.AndIdidn’tspillanything.Altogetherithasbeenratherasuccess.”
Dahliastoodlookingdownatthechildren,youngandold,playinginthefieldbeneathher,andgaveasighofhappiness.
“Now,”shesaid,“IfeelthehouseisREALLYwarm.”
IV.—AWORDINSEASON
“Archie,”saidBlair,“what’sthatbigemptyroomabovethebilliard-roomfor?”
“That,”saidArchie,“iswherewehidethecorpsesofourguests.Isleepwiththekeyundermypillow.”
“Thisisrathersudden,”Isaid.“I’mnotatallsurethatIshouldhavecomeifIhadknownthat.”
“Don’tfrightenthem,dear;tellthemthetruth.”
“Well,thetruthis,”saidArchie,“thattherewassomeideaofalittleplay-actingthereoccasionally.Hencethecurtain-rod,theemergencyexitandotherdevices.”
“Thenwhyhaven’twedoneany?Wecamedownheretoopenyourhouseforyou,andthenyougoandlockupthemostimportantroomofall,andsleepwith
you,andthenyougoandlockupthemostimportantroomofall,andsleepwiththekeyunderyourpillow.”
“It’stoohot.Butwe’lldoalittlecharadeto-nightifyoulike—justtoairtheplace.”
“Hooray,”saidMyra,“Iknowalovelyword.”
Myra’slittlewordwasintwosyllablesandrequiredthreeperformers.ArchieandIwerekindlyincludedinhercompany.Simpsonthreatenedtofollowwithsomethingimmenseandarchaic,andThomasalsohadsomethingrathergooduphissleeve,butIamnotgoingtobotheryouwiththese.Onewordwillbeenoughforyou.
FIRSTSCENE
“Oh,good-morning,”saidMyra.Shehadaddedahatandasunshadetoherevening-frock,andwassupportedbymeinagentleman’slounge-coatandboaterforHenleywear.
“Good-morning,mum,”saidArchie,hitchinguphisapronandspreadinghishandsonthetableinfrontofhim.
“Ijustwantthisribbonmatched,please.”
“Certainly,mum.Won’tyourlittleboy—Ibegpardon,theoldgentleman,takeaseattoo?Whatcolourdidyouwanttheribbon,mum?”
“Thesamecolourasthis,”Isaid.“Idiot.”
“Yourgrandfatherisinabitofadraught,I’mafraid,mum.Italwaysstimulatestheflowoflanguage.Mygrandfatherwasjustthesame.I’mafraid,mum,wehaven’tanyribbonasyoumightsaytheSAMEcolourasthis.”
“Ifit’sverynearitwilldo.”
“Nowwhatcolourwouldyoucallthat?”wonderedArchie,withhisheadononeside.“Kindofpuce-like,Ishouldputitat.Puce-magenta,aswesayinthetrade.No;we’rerightoutofpuce-magenta.”
“Showtheladywhatyouhavegot,”Isaidsternly.
“Well,mum,I’mrightoutofribbon,altogether.ThefactisI’mmoreofanironmongerreally.Thedraper’sisjusttheothersideoftheroad.Youwouldn’tlikeagarden-rollernow?Icandoyouanicegarden-rollerfortwopoundfive,andthat’ssimplygivingitaway.”
“Oh,shallwehaveaniceroller?”saidMyraeagerly.
“I’mnotgoingtocarryithome,”Isaid.
“I’mnotgoingtocarryithome,”Isaid.
“That’sallright,sir.Mylittleladwilltakeituponhisbicycle.Twopoundsfive,mum,andsixpenceforthemouse-trapthegentleman’sbeensittingon.Saythreepounds.”
Myratookoutherpurse.
SECONDSCENE
Wewerebackinourordinaryclothes.
“Iwonderiftheyguessedthat,”saidArchie.
“Itwasveryeasy,”saidMyra.“Ishouldhavethoughtthey’dhaveseenitatonce.”
“Butofcoursethey’renotaverycleverlot,”Iexplained.“Thatfellowwiththespectacles—”
“Simpsonhisnameis,”saidArchie.“Iknowhimwell.He’saprofessionalgolfer.”
“Well,heLOOKSlearnedenough.Iexpectheknowsallright.Buttheothers—”
“Doyouthinktheyknewthatweweresupposedtobeinashop?”
“Surely!Why,Ishouldthinkeven—What’sthatman’snameoverthere?No;thatonenexttotheprettylady—ah,yes,Thomas.IsthatThomas,thewonderfulcueist,bytheway?Really!Well,IshouldthinkevenThomasguessedthatmuch.”
“Whynotdoitoveragaintomakesure?”
“Ohno,itwasperfectlyobvious.Let’sgetontothefinalscene.”
“I’mafraidthatwillgiveitawayrather,”saidMyra.
“I’mafraidso,”agreedArchie.
THIRDSCENE
Wesatoncamp-stoolsandlookedupattheceilingwithourmouthsopen.
“‘E’slate,”saidArchie.
“Idon’tbelieve‘e’scoming,andIdon’tmind‘oo‘earsmesyeso,”saidMyra.“Sothere!”
“‘Otwork,”Isaid,wipingmybrow.
“Nar,notupthere.Not‘ot.Niceandbreezylike.”
“But‘e’snearerthesunthanwotweare,ain’t‘e?”
“Ah,but‘e’snot‘ot.Notupthere.”
“‘Ere,there‘eis,”criedMyra,jumpingupexcitedly.“Overthere.‘Ownaow,it’sabird.IdeclareIquitethoughtitwas‘im.Sillyofme.”
Therewassilenceforalittle,andthenArchietookasandwichoutofhispocket.
“Wunnerwotthey’llinventnext,”hesaid,andmunchedstolidly.
…….
“Welldone,”saidDahlia.
“ThomasandIhavebeentryingtoguess,”saidSimpson,“butthestrainisterrific.Myfirstideawas‘codfish,’butIsupposethat’swrong.It’seither‘silkworm’or‘wardrobe.’Thomassuggests‘mangel-wurzel.’HesaysheneversawanybodywhohadsomuchthewholeairofawurzelasArchie.Theindefinableelanofthewurzelwasthere.”
“Can’tyoureallyguess?”saidMyraeagerly.
“Idon’tknowwhetherIwantyoutoornot.Ohno,Idon’twantyouto.”
“ThenIwithdraw‘mangel-wurzel,’”saidSimpsongallantly.
“IthinkIcanguess,”saidBlair.“It’s—”
“Whisperit,”saidSimpson.“I’mnevergoingtoknow.”
Blairwhisperedit.
“Yes,”saidMyradisappointedly,“that’sit.”
V.—UNINVITEDGUESTS
“Nine,”saidArchie,separatinghislatestvictimfromthemarmaladespoonanddroppingitintothehotwater.“Thisisgoingtobeasanguinaryday.WithaprettylatecutintothepeachjellyMrA.Manneringreacheddoublefigures.Ten.BattlesarebeingwonwhileThomasstillsleeps.Anyadvanceonten?”
“DoesthatincludeMYwasp?”askedMyra.
“Thereareonlytenhere,”saidArchie,lookingintothebasin,“andthey’reallmine.Irememberthemperfectly.Whatwasyourslike?”
“Well,Ididn’texactlykillhim.Ismackedhimwithateaspoonandaskedhimtogoaway.Andhewentontoyourmarmalade,soIexpectyouthoughthewasyours.Butitwasreallymine,andIdon’tthinkit’sverysportingofyoutokillanotherperson’swasp.”
“Haveoneofmine,”Isaid,pushingmyplateacross.“HaveBernard—he’ssittingonthegreen-gage.”
“Idon’treallywanttokillanything.IkilledarabbitonceandIwishedIhadn’t.”
“Inearlykilledarabbitonce,andIwishedIhad.”
“Greatsportsmenataglance,”saidArchie.“Tellusaboutitbeforeitgoesintoyourreminiscences.”
yourreminiscences.”
“Itwasafierceaffairwhileitlasted.TherabbitwassittingdownandIwasstandingup,sothatIratherhadtheadvantageofhimatthestart.Iwaitedtillheseemedtobeasleepandthenfired.”
“Andmissedhim?”
“Y-yes.Heheardthereport,though.Imean,youmustn’tthinkheignoredmealtogether.Imovedhim.Hegotupandwentawayallright.”
“Averyluckyescapeforyou,”saidArchie.“Ionceknewamanwhowasgoredtodeathbyanangryrabbit.”Heslashedintheairwithhisnapkin.“Fifteen.Dahlia,let’shavebreakfastindoorsto-morrow.Thisisveryjollybutit’sjustashot,anditdoesn’tgetThomasupanyearlier,aswehoped.”
Allthatdaywegrilledintheheat.MyraandIstartedagameofcroquetinthemorning,butafteroneshoteachweagreedtoabandonitasadraw—slightlyinmyfavour,becauseIhadgivenherthechippedmallet.Andintheafternoon,ThomasandSimpsonmadeagreatefforttogetupenthusiasmforlawn-tennis.Eachofthemreturnedtheother’sserviceintothenetuntilthescorestoodateightall,atwhichpointtheysuddenlyrealizedthatnothingbuttheviolentdeathofoneofthecompetitorswouldeverendthematch.Theywentontotenalltomakesure,andthenretiredtothelemonadeandwaspjug,Simpsonmissingacoupleofdeadbodiesbyinchesonly.Andafterdinneritwashotterthanever.
“Theheatinmyroom,”announcedArchie,“breaksallrecords.Thethermometersaysahundredandfifty,thebarometersaysverydry,we’vehadtwenty-fivehours’sunshine,andthere’snotadropofrainrecordedinthesoap-dish.Arewegoingtotakethislyingdown?”
“No,”saidThomas,“let’ssleepoutto-night.”
“Whatdoyousay,Dahlia?”
“It’sagoodidea.Youcanallsleeponthecroquetlawn,andMyraandIwilltakethetennislawn.”
“Hadn’tyoubetterhavethecroquetlawn?Thomaswalksinhissleep,andwedon’twanttohavehimgoingthroughhoopsallnight.”
“You’llhavetobringdownyourownmattresses,”wentonDahlia,“andyou’venotgottowalkaboutthegardenintheearlymorning,atleastnotuntilMyraandIareup,andifyou’regoingtofallovercroquethoopsyoumustn’tmakeanoise.That’salltherules,Ithink.”
“I’mgladwe’vegotthetennislawn,”saidMyra;“it’smuchsmoother.Doyouprefertheright-handcourt,dear,ortheleft-hand?”
“WeshallbeveryclosetoNatureto-night,”saidArchie.“Nowweshallknowwhetheritreallyisthenightjar,orSimpsongargling.”
WewereveryclosetoNaturethatnight,butintheearlymorningstillcloser.IwasawakenedbythenoiseofSimpsontalking,asIhoped,inhissleep.However,itappearedthathewasawakeandquiteconsciousofthethingshewassaying.
“Ican’thelpit,”heexplainedtoArchie,whohadgivenexpressiontothegeneralopinionaboutit;“theseballywaspsarealloverme.”
“It’syourownfault,”saidArchie.“Whydoyoueggthemon?Idon’thavewaspsalloverME.”
“Conf—There!I’vebeenstung.”
“You’vebeenwhat?”
“Stung.”
“Stung.Where?”
“Intheneck.”
“Intheneck?”Archieturnedovertome.“Simpson,”hesaid,“hasbeenstungintheneck.TellThomas.”
IwokeupThomas.“Simpson,”Isaid,“hasbeenstungintheneck.”
“Good,”saidThomas,andwenttosleepagain.
“We’vetoldThomas,”saidArchie.“Now,areyousatisfied?”
“Getaway,youbrute,”shoutedSimpson,suddenly,anddivedunderthesheet.
“Getaway,youbrute,”shoutedSimpson,suddenly,anddivedunderthesheet.
ArchieandIlaybackandshoutedwithlaughter.
“It’sreallyverysillyofhim,”saidArchie,“because—goaway—becauseeverybodyknowsthat—getaway,youass—thatwaspsaren’tdangerousunless—confoundyou—unless—Isay,isn’tittimewegotup?”
Icameupfromundermysheetandlookedatmywatch.“Four-thirty,”Isaid,dodgedawasp,andwentbackagain.
“Wemustwaittillfive-thirty,”saidArchie.“Simpsonwasquiteright;heWASstung,afterall.I’lltellhimso.”
Heleantoutofbedtotellhimso,andthenthoughtbetterofitandretiredbeneaththesheets.
Atfive-thirtyagallantlittlepartymadeitswaytothehouse,itsmattressesoveritsshoulders.
“Gently,”saidArchie,aswecameinsightofthetennislawn.
Wewentverygently.Therewereonlywaspsonthetennislawn,butonedoesnotwanttodisturbthelittlefellows.
VI.—AFINALARRANGEMENT
“Seeingthatthisisourlastdaytogether,”beganArchie—
“Oh,DON’T,”saidMyra.“Ican’tbearit.”
“Seeingthatthisisourfirstdaytogether,wemighthavealittletournamentofsomekind,followedbyasmalldistributionofprizes.Whatdoyouthink,Dahlia?”
“Well,IdaresayIcanfindsomething.”
“Anyoldthingthatwedon’twantwilldo;nothingshowyorexpensive.Victory
“Anyoldthingthatwedon’twantwilldo;nothingshowyorexpensive.Victoryisitsownreward.”
“Yes,butifthereISapotofhome-mademarmaladegoingwithit,”Isaid,“somuchthebetter.”
“Dahlia,earmarkthemarmaladeforthisgentleman.Now,what’sitgoingtobe?Golf,Simpson?”
“Why,ofcourse,”saidMyra.“Hasn’thebeengettingitreadyfordays?”
“Thatwillgivehimanunfairadvantage,”Ipointedout.“Heknowseverysinglebrickonthegreens.”
“Oh,Isay,therearen’tanygreensyet,”protestedSimpson.“That’lltakeayearortwo.ButI’vemarkedoutwhitecirclesandyouhavetogetinsidethem.”
“Isawhimdoingthat,”saidArchie.“Iwasafraidheexpectedustoplayprisoners’basewithhim.”
Thegamefixedupon,weproceededtodrawforpartners.
“You’llhavetoplaywithme,Archie,”saidDahlia,“becauseI’mnogoodatall.”
“IshallhavetoplaywithMyra,”Isaid,“becauseI’mnogoodatall.”
“Oh,I’mverygood,”saidMyra.
“ThatlooksasthoughIshouldhavetoplaywith—”“Simpson,”“Thomas,”saidThomasandSimpsontogether.
“You’reallgivingmealotoftrouble,”saidArchie,puttinghispencilbackinhispocket.“I’vejustwrittenyournamesoutneatlyonlittlebitsofpaper,andnowthey’reallwasted.You’llhavetostickthemonyourselvessothatthespectatorswillknowwhoyouareasyouwhizzpast.”Hehandedhisbitsofpaperroundandwentinforhisclubs.
Itwasastrokecompetition,andeachcouplewentroundbyitself.MyraandIstartedlast.
“Nowwe’vegottowinthis,”shesaid,“becauseweshan’tplaytogetheragain
“Nowwe’vegottowinthis,”shesaid,“becauseweshan’tplaytogetheragainforalongtime.”
“That’sanicecheerythingtosaytoapersonjustwhenhe’sdriving.NowIshallhavetoaddresstheballalloveragain.”
“Oh,NO!”
Iaddressedanddespatchedtheball.Itstruckawallabouteightyyardsawayanddropped.Whenwegottherewefoundtoourdisgustthatitwasnestlingattheveryfoot.Myralookedatitdoubtfully.
“Can’tyoumakeitclimbthewall?”Iasked.
“Weshallhavetogoback,I’mafraid.Wecanpretendweleftourpocket-handkerchiefsbehind.”
Shechippeditbackabouttwentyyards,andIsentitonagainaboutahundred.Unfortunatelyitlandedinarut.HoweverMyragotitoutwithgreatresource,andIwasluckyenoughwithmynexttoplaceitinsidethemagiccircle.
“Five,”Isaid.“Youknow,Idon’tthinkyou’rehelpingmemuch.Allyoudidthatholewastogotwenty-oneyardsinthewrongdirection.”
Myrasmiledcheerfullyatmeanddidthenextholeinone.“Wellplayed,partner,”shesaid,asheputherclubbackinitsbag.
“Oh,attheshortholesIdon’tdenythatyou’reuseful.Wheredowegonow?”
“Overthebarn.Thisisthelonghole.”
Igotinanexcellentdrive,butunfortunatelyitdidn’taviatequickenough.Whiletheintrepidspectatorswerestillholdingtheirbreath,therewasanominouscrash.
“DidyousayINthebarnorOVERthebarn?”Iasked,aswehurriedontofindthedamage.
“Wedoplayanexcitinggame,don’twe?”saidMyra.
Wegotintothebarnandfoundtheballandalittleglassonthefloor.
“Whataverysmallholeitmade,”saidMyra,pointingtothebrokenpane.“WhatshallIdo?”
“You’llhavetogobackthroughthehole.It’sanawkwardlittleshot.”
“Idon’tthinkIcould.”
“No,itISratheradifficultstroke.Youwanttostandwellbehindtheball,and—however,theremaybealocalruleaboutit.”
“Idon’tthinkthereisorIshouldhaveheardit.Samuel’sbeentellingmeEVERYTHINGlately.”
“Thenthere’sonlyonethingforit.”Ipointedtothewindowattheotherendofthebarn.“Gostraighton.”
Myragavealittlegurgleofdelight.
“Butweshallhavetosaveupourpocket-money,”shesaid.
Herballhitthewoodinbetweentwopanesandboundedback.Mynextshotwasjustabovetheglass.Myratookaniblickandgottheballbackintothemiddleofthefloor.
“It’ssimplysickeningthatwecan’tbreakawindowwhenwe’rereallytryingto.Ishouldhavethoughtthatanyonecouldhavebrokenawindow.Nowthen.”
“Oh,goodSHOT!”criedMyraabovethecrash.Wehurriedoutanddidtheholeinnine.
Atlunch,havingcompletedeighteenholesoutofthethirty-six,weweresevenstrokesbehindtheleaders,SimpsonandThomas.Simpson,accordingtoThomas,hadbeenplayinglikeabook.GolfFaultsAnalysed—thatbook,Ishouldthink.
“ButIexpecthe’llgotopiecesintheafternoon,”saidThomas.Heturnedtoaservantandadded,“MrSimpsonwon’thaveanythingmore.”
Westartedoursecondroundbrilliantly;continued(afteranunusualincidentonthefifthtee)brilliantly;andendedupbrilliantly.Atthelastteewehadplayedahundredandthirty-seven.Myragotinabeautifuldrivetowithinfiftyyardsof
hundredandthirty-seven.Myragotinabeautifuldrivetowithinfiftyyardsofthecircle.
“Howmany?”saidtheothers,comingupexcitedly.
“Thisisterrible,”saidMyra,puttingherhandtoherheart.“Ahundredand—shallItellthem?—a—a—Oh,dear—a—hundredandthirtyeight.”
“Golly,”saidThomas,“you’vegotoneforit.Wedidahundredandforty.”
“Wedidahundredandforty-two,”saidArchie.“CloseplayattheOval.”
“Oh,”saidMyratome,“DObecareful.Oh,butno,”shewentonquickly,“Idon’tmindabitreallyifwelose.It’sonlyagame.Besides,we—”
“Youforgetthelittlepotofhome-mademarmalade,”Isaidreproachfully.“Dahlia,whatAREtheprizes?Becauseit’sjustpossiblethatMyramightlikethesecondonebetterthanthefirst.InthatcaseIshouldmissthis.”
“Goon,”whisperedMyra.
Iwenton.Therewasamoment’ssilence—andthenadeepsighfromMyra.
“Howaboutit?”Isaidcalmly.
Loudapplause.
“Well,”saidDahlia,“youandMyramakeaverygoodcouple.IsupposeImustfindaprizeforyou.”
“Itdoesn’treallymatter,”saidMyrabreathlessly,“becauseonthefifthteewe—wearrangedabouttheprizes.”
“Wearrangedtogiveeachotherone,”Isaid,smilingatDahlia.
Dahlialookedveryhardatus.
“YouDON’Tmean—?”
Myralaughedhappily.
“Oh,”shesaid,“butthat’sjustwhatwedo.”
ATPLAY
TENANDEIGHT
TheonlyeventofimportancelastweekwasmyvictoryoverHenrybytenandeight.Ifyoudon’twanttohearaboutthat,thenIshallhavetopassontoyouafewfactsabouthismotorbicycle.You’dratherhavetheother?Ithoughtso.
ThedifferencebetweenHenryandmeisthatheiswhatIshouldcallagoodgolfer,andIamwhateverybodyelsecallsabadgolfer.Inconsequenceofthisheinsultsmewithoffersofbisques.
“I’llhavetenthistime,”Isaid,aswewalkedtothetee.
“Betterhavetwelve.Ibeatyouwithelevenyesterday.”
“Thankyou,”Isaidhaughtily,“Iwillhaveten.”Itistruethathebeatmelasttime,butthenowingtobadmanagementonmypartIhadninebisquesleftatthemomentofdefeatsimplyeatingtheirheadsoff.
Henryteedupanddrovea“PinkSpot”outofsight.Henryswearsbythe“PinkSpot”ifthereisanythingofawind.Iuseeithera“QuoVadis,”whichissplendidforgoingoutofbounds,oran“Ostrich,”whichhasawonderfulwayofburyingitselfinthesand.Ifollowedhimtothegreenatmyleisure.
“Five,”saidHenry.
“Seven,”saidI;“andifItakethreebisquesit’smyhole.”
“Youmustonlytakeoneatatime,”protestedHenry.
“Why?There’snothinginWisdenorBaedekeraboutit.Besides,Iwillonlytakeoneatatimeifitmakesiteasierforyou.Itakeoneandthatbringsmedowntosix,andthenanotheroneandthatbringsmedowntofive,andthenanotheroneandthatbringsmedowntofour.There!Andasyoudidtheholeinfive,Iwin.”
“Well,ofcourse,ifyouliketowastethemallatthestart—”
“Well,ofcourse,ifyouliketowastethemallatthestart—”
“I’mnotwastingthem,I’mcreatingamoraleffect.Behold,Ihavewonthefirsthole;letusbephotographedtogether.”
Henrywenttothenextteeslightlyruffledandtoppedhisballintotheroad.Ihadkeptminewellthissideofitandwoninfourtofive.
“Ishan’ttakeanybisqueshere,”Isaid.“Twoup.”
Atthethirdteemy“QuoVadis”dartedoffsuddenlytotheleftandtriedtoclimbthehill.Iheadeditoffandgaveitanastydentfrombehindwhenitwasn’tlooking,andwithmynextshotstarteditrollingdownthemountainswithever-increasingvelocity.Notuntilitwaswithinafootofthepindiditcondescendtostop.Henry,whohadreachedthegreenwithhisdriveandhadtakenoneputttoomany,halvedtheholeinfour.Itookabisqueandwasthreeup.
Thefourthholewasprettilyplayedbybothofus,andwithtwobisquesIhaditabsolutelystiff.UnnervedbythisHenrywentalloutatthefifthandtriedtocarrythestreamintwo.Unfortunately(Imeanunfortunatelyforhim)thestreamwassixinchestoobroadintheparticularplaceatwhichhetriedtocarryit.Myownviewisthatheshouldeitherhavechosenanotherplaceorelsehavegotanarrowerstreamfromsomewhere.AsitwasIwoninanuneventfulsix,andtookwithabisquetheshortholewhichfollowed.
“Sixup,”IpointedouttoHenry,“andthreebisquesleft.They’rejollylittlethings,bisques,butyouwanttousethemquickly.Bisquedatquicitodat.Doesn’tthesealookrippingto-day?”
“Goon,”growledHenry.
“Ioncedidatwoatthishole,”IsaidasIteedmyball.“IfIdidatwonowandtookabisque,you’dhavetodoitinnothinginordertowin.Asolemnthought.”
Atthisholeyouhavetodriveoverachasminthecliffs.Myballmadeabeelineforthebeach,bouncedonarock,anddisappearedintoacave.Henry’s“PinkSpot,”whichreallyseemedtohaveachanceofwinningaholeatlast,foundthewindtoomuchforitandfollowedmebelow.
“I’minthiscave,”IsaidwhenwehadfoundHenry’sball;andwithalightedmatchinonehandandaniblickintheotherIwentinandtriedtopersuadethe“Ostrich”tocomeout.Myeighthargumentwastoomuchforit,andwe
“Ostrich”tocomeout.Myeighthargumentwastoomuchforit,andwereappearedinthedaylighttogether.
“Howmany?”IaskedHenry.
“Six,”hesaid,ashehitthetopofthecliffoncemore,andshotbackontothebeach.
Ilefthimandchiviedmyballroundtowherethecliffsarelowest;thenIgotitgraduallyontoalittlemoundofsand(verydelicateworkthis),tookaterrificswingandfairlyheaveditontothegrass.Twomorestrokesputmeontothegreenintwenty.IlitapipeandwaitedforHenrytofinishhisgameofrackets.
“I’veplayedtwenty-five,”heshouted.
“Thenyou’llwantsomeofmybisques,”Isaid.“IcanlendyouthreetillMonday.”
Henryhadonemorerallyandthenpickedhisballup.IhadwonsevenholesandIhadthreebisqueswithwhichtowinthematch.IwasalittledoubtfulifIcoulddothis,butHenrysettledthequestionbymisjudgingyetagainthebreadthofthestream.Whatisexperienceifitteachesusnothing?Henrymustreallytrytoenlargehismindaboutrivers.
“Dormynine,”Isaidatthetenthtee,“andnobisquesleft.”
“ThankHeavenforthat,”sighedHenry.
“ButIhaveonlytohalveoneholeoutofnine,”Ipointedout.“TechnicallyIamonwhatisknownasvelvet.”
“Oh,shutupanddrive.”
Iamabadgolfer,butevenbadgolfersdoholesinbogeynowandthen.IntheordinarywayIwasprettycertaintohalveoneofthenineholeswithHenry,andsowinthematch.Boththeeleventhandtheseventeenth,forinstance,arefavouritesofmine.HadIhalvedoneofthose,hewouldhaveadmittedcheerfullythatIhadplayedgoodgolfandbeatenhimfairly.Butasthingshappened—
Whathappened,putquitebriefly,wasthis.Bogeyforthetenthisfour.Ihookedmydriveofftheteeanddownalittlegullytotheleft,putagoodironshotintoa
mydriveofftheteeanddownalittlegullytotheleft,putagoodironshotintoabunkerontheright,andthanrandownahundred-yardputtwithaniblickforathree.Oneofthosedifficultdown-hillputts.
“Luck!”saidHenry,assoonashecouldspeak.
“I’vebeenmissingthoselately,”Isaid.
“Yourmatch,”saidHenry;“Ican’tplayagainstlucklikethat.”
Itwastruethathehadgivenmetenbisques,but,ontheotherhand,Icouldhavegivenhimadozenattheseventhandstillhavebeatenhim.
However,Iwastoomagnanimoustopointthatout.AllIsaidwas,“Tenandeight.”
AndthenIaddedthoughtfully,“Idon’tthinkI’veeverwonbymorethanthat.”
PATBALL
“You’llplaytennis?”saidmyhostessabsently.“That’sright.LetmeintroduceyoutoMiss—er—urn.”
“Oh,we’vemetbefore,”smiledMiss—I’veforgottenthenameagainnow.
“Thankyou,”Isaidgratefully.Ithoughtitwasextremelyniceofhertorememberme.ProbablyIhadspiltlemonadeoverheratadance,andinsomewaytheincidenthadfixeditselfinhermind.Wedotheselittlethings,youknow,andthinknothingofthematthemoment,butallthetime—
“Smooth,”saidavoice.
Ilookedupandfoundthatapairofopponentshadmysteriouslyappeared,andthatmypartnerwasleadingthewayontothecourt.
“I’lltaketheright-handside,ifyoudon’tmind,”sheannounced.“Oh,andwhataboutapologizing?”shewenton.“Shallwedoitaftereverystroke,orattheendofeachgame,orwhenwesaygood-bye,ornever?Igetsotiredofsaying‘sorry.’”
“Oh,butweshan’twanttoapologize;I’msurewe’regoingtogetonbeautifullytogether.”
“Isupposeyou’veplayedalotthissummer?”
“No,notatallyet,butI’mfeelingratherstrong,andI’vegotanewracket.Onewayandanother,Iexpecttoplayaverypowerfulgame.”
Ourmaleopponentserved.HehadwhatIshouldcallanastyswiftservice.Thefirstballroseverysuddenlyandtookmypartneronthesideofthehead.(“Sorry,”sheapologized.“It’sallright,”Isaidmagnanimously.)Ireturnedthenextintothenet;thethirdcleanbowledmypartner;andoffthelastIwascaughtintheslips.(ONE,LOVE.)
“Willyouserve?”saidMiss—IwishIcouldrememberhersurname.HerChristiannamewasHopeorCharityorsomethinglikethat;Iknow,whenI
ChristiannamewasHopeorCharityorsomethinglikethat;Iknow,whenIheardit,Ithoughtitwasjustaswell.IfImightcallherMissHopeforthisonce?Thankyou.
“Willyouserve?”saidMissHope.
Intheright-handcourtIusetheAmericanservice,whichmeansthatIneverknowtillthelastmomentwhichsideoftheracketisgoingtohittheball.Onthisoccasionitwasadeadheat—thatistosay,Igotitinbetweenwiththewood;andtheballsailedawayoverbedsandbedsofthemostbeautifulflowers.
“Oh,isTHATtheAmericanservice?”saidMissHope,muchinterested.
“SouthAmerican,”Iexplained.“DowninPerutheyneveruseanythingelse.”
Intheleft-handcourtIemploytheordinaryHampsteadSmashintothebottomofthenet.AfterfourHampsteadSmashesandfourPeruvianTeasers(LOVE,TWO)Ifeltthatanotherexplanationwascalledfor.
“I’vegotanewracketI’veneverusedbefore,”Isaid.“Myoldoneisbeingpressed;itwenttotheshopyesterdaytohavethecreasestakenout.Don’tyoufindthatwithanewracketyou—er—exactly.”
Inthethirdgamewenotonlygottheballoverbutkeptitbetweenthewhitelinesonseveraloccasions—thoughnotsooftenasouropponents(THREE,LOVE);andinthefourthgameMissHopeservedgentlelobs,whileI,atherrequest,stoodcloseuptothenetanddefendedmyselfwithmyracket.Iwardedoffthefirsttwoshotsamidstapplause(THIRTY,LOVE),anddodgedthenextthree(THIRTY,FORTY),butthelastonewastooquickformeandwonthecoco-nutwithsomeease.(GAME.LOVE,FOUR.)
“It’sallright,thanks,”Isaidtomypartner;“itreallydoesn’thurtabit.Nowthen,let’sbuckupandplayasimplydashinggame.”
MissHopeexcelledherselfinthatfifthgame,butIwasstillunabletofindalength.Tobemoreaccurate,Iwasunabletofindashortness—mylonggamewasadmirablystrongandlofty.
“Areyoumusical?”saidmypartnerattheendofit.(FIVE,LOVE.)Shehadbeenverytalkativeallthrough.
“Come,come,”Isaidimpatiently,“youdon’twantasongatthisverymoment.Surelyyoucanwaittilltheendoftheset?”
“Oh,Iwasonlyjustwondering.”
“Iquiteseeyourpoint.YoufeelthatNaturealwayscompensatesusinsomeway,andthatas—”
“Oh,no!”saidMissHopeingreatconfusion.“Ididn’tmeanthatatall.”
Shemusthavemeantit.Youdon’ttalktopeopleaboutsinginginthemiddleofagameoftennis;certainlynottocomparativestrangerswhohaveonlyspiltlemonadeoveryourfrockoncebefore.No,no.Itwasaninsult,anditnervedmetoagreateffort.Idiscarded—foritwasmyserve—theHampsteadSmash;IdiscardedthePeruvianTeaser.Instead,IservedtwoPiccadillyBendersfromtheright-handcourtandtwoWestminsterWeltsfromtheleft-hand.ThePiccadillyBenderismyowninvention.Itcanonlybeservedfromtheonecourt,anditmusthaveawindagainstit.Youdeliveritwithyourbacktothenet,whichmakesthestrikerthinkthatyouhaveeitherforgottenallaboutthegame,orelseareapologizingtothespectatorsforyourpreviousexhibition.Thenwithaviolentcontortionyouslueyourbodyroundandserve,whereuponyouropponentperceivesthatyouAREplaying,andthatitisjustonemoreordinaryfaultintothewrongcourt.Soshecalls“Fault!”inacontemptuoustoneanddropsherracket…andthenaddshurriedly,“Oh,no,sorry,itwasn’tafault,afterall.”Thatbeingwherethewindcomesin.
TheWestminsterWeltisintheorythesameastheHampsteadSmash,butgoesoverthenet.Onemustbeinverygoodform(orhavebeenrecentlyinsulted)tobringthisoff.
Well,wewonthatgame,abreezehavingjustsprungup;and,carriedawaybyenthusiasmandmutualadmiration,wecollectedanother.(FIVE,TWO.)ThenitwasMissHope’sserveagain.
“Good-bye,”Isaid;“Isupposeyouwantmeinthefore-frontagain?”
“Please.”
“Idon’tmindHERshots—thebottleofscentisabsolutelysafe;butI’mafraidhe’llwinanotherpacketofwoodbines.”
MissHopestartedoffwithadouble,whichwasratherapity,andthengaveourmasculineadversarywhatistechnicallycalled“onetokill.”IsawinstinctivelythatIwastheone,andIheldmyracketreadywithbothhands.Ouropponent,whohadbeenwantinghisteaforthelasttwogames,wasinnomoodofdalliance;hefairlylethimselfgooverthisshot.InamomentIwasdownonmykneesbehindthenet…andthenextmomentIsawthroughthemeshesaverystrangething.Theotherman,withhisracketontheground,washoldinghiseyewithbothhands!
“Don’tyouthink,”saidMissHope(TWO,FIVE—ABANDONED),“thatyouroverheadvolleyingisjustalittlesevere?”
THEOPENINGSEASON
“Mydear,”saidJeremy,ashefoldedbackhispaperatthesportingpage,“Ihavesomenewsforyou.Cricketisuponusonceagain.”
“There’sanastycolduponBabyonceagain,”saidMrsJeremy.“Ihopeitdoesn’tmeanmeasles.”
“Nochildofminewouldeverhavemeasles,”saidJeremyconfidently.“It’sbeneathus.”Heclearedhisthroatandread,“‘Thecomingseasonwillberenderedevermemorablebythefactthatforthefirsttimeinthehistoryofthegame—’You’llneverguesswhat’scoming.”
“MrJeremySmithisexpectedtomakedoublefigures.”
Jeremysatupindignantly.
“Wellofallthewifelythingstosay!Whowastopofouraverageslastyear?”
“Plummer.Becauseyoupresentedthebattohimyourself.”
“Thatprovesnothing.Igavemyselfabattoo,asithappens;andabetteronethanPlummer’s.Afterall,hisaveragewasonly25.Mine,iftheweatherhadallowedmetofinishmysolitaryinnings,wouldprobablyhavebeen26.”
“Asitwas,theweatheronlyallowedyoutogiveachancetothewicket-keeperofftheoneballyouhad.”
“Iwasgettingthepaceofthepitch,”saidJeremy.“Besides,itwasn’treallyachance,becauseourumpirewouldneverhavegiventhetreasureroutfirstball.Therearecertainlittlecourtesieswhichareboundtobeobserved.”
“Then,”saidhiswife,“it’sapityyoudon’tplaymoreoften.”
Jeremygotupandmadeafewstrokeswiththepoker.
“Oneofusisratherstiff,”hesaid.“Perhapsit’sthepoker.IfIplayregularlythisseasonwillyoupromisetobringBabytowatchme?”
seasonwillyoupromisetobringBabytowatchme?”
“Ofcourseweshallbothcome.”
“Andyouwon’tletBabyjeeratmeifI’mbowledbyashooter.”
“Shewon’tknowwhatashooteris.”
“Thenyoucantellherthatit’stheonlyballthateverbowlsfather,”saidJeremy.Heputdownthepokerandtookupaballofwool.“Ishallprobablyfieldsomewherebehindthewicket-keeper,wherethehottestdrivesdon’tcome;butifIshouldmissacatchyoumustpointouttoherthatthesunwasinfather’seyes.Iwantmychildtounderstandthegameassoonaspossible.”
“I’lltellherallthatsheoughttoknow,”saidhiswife.“Andwhenyou’vefinishedplayingwithmywoolI’vegotsomethingtodowithit.”
Jeremygavehimselfanothercatch,threwthewooltohiswifeanddriftedout.Hecamebackintenminuteswithhisbatunderhisarm.
“Really,ithaswinteredratherwell,”hesaid,“consideringthatithasbeeninthebootcupboardallthetime.Weoughttohaveputsomecamphorinwithit,or—Iknowthere’sSOMETHINGyoudotobatsinthewinter.Anyhow,thespliceisstillthere.”
“Itlooksveryold,”saidMrsJeremy.“Isthatreallyyournewone?”
“Yes,thisistheonethatplayedthehistoricinnings.Ithasonlyhadoneballinitswholelife,andthatwasontheedge.ThepartofthebatthatIproposetousethisseasonwillthereforecomeentirelyfreshtothebusiness.”
“Yououghttohaveoiledit,Jeremy.”
“Oil—thatwaswhatImeant.I’lldoitnow.We’llgiveitagoodrubdown.Iwonderifthere’sanythingelseitwouldlike?”
“Ithink,mostofall,itwouldlikealittlepractice.”
“Mydear,that’strue.ItsaidinthepaperthatontheCountygroundspracticewasalreadyinfullswing.”Hemadeanimaginarydrive.“Idon’tthinkIshalltakeaFULLswing.It’ssomuchhardertotimetheball.Isay,doYOUbowl?”
“Verybadly,Jeremy.”
“Theworseyoubowlthemorepracticethebatwillget.OrwhataboutBaby?Couldshebowltomethisafternoon,doyouthink,orishercoldtoobad?”
“Ithinkshe’dbetterstayinto-day.”
“Whatapity.Nursetellsmeshe’sleft-handed,andIparticularlywantalotofthat;becauseLittleBuxtedhasaveryhotleft-handbowlercalled—”
“Youdon’twantyourdaughtertobeanathleticgirl,doyou?”
Jeremylookedatherinsurpriseandthensatdownonthearmofherchair.
“Surely,dear,”hesaidgravely,“wedecidedthatourchildwasgoingtoplayforKent?”
“Notagirl!”
“Whynot?There’snothingintherulesaboutit.Rule197(B)saysthatyouneedn’tplayifyoudon’tliketheManager,butthere’snothingaboutsexinit.I’msureBabywouldlovetheManager.”
MrsJeremysmiledandruffledhishair.
“Well,”saidJeremy,“ifnobodywillbowltome,Icanatleasttakemybatoutandletitseethegrass.Aftersixmonthsofbootsitwillbeachangeforit.”
Hewentoutintothegarden,anddidnotappearagainuntillunch.Duringthemealhereadextractstohiswifefrom“TheComingSeason’sProspects,”andspokecheerfullyoftherunsheintendedtomakeforthevillage.Afterlunchhetookherontothetennislawn.
“There!”hesaidproudly,pointingtoacricketpitchbeautifullycutandmarkedwithacreaseofdazzlingwhite.“Doesn’tthatlookjolly?”
“Heavenly,”shesaid.“Youmustasksomeoneupto-morrow.Youcangetquitegoodpracticeherewiththesedeepbanksallround.”
“Yes,Ishallmakealotofrunsthisseason,”saidJeremyairily.“But,apartfrompractice,don’tyouFEELhowjollyandsummeryacricketpitchmakes
practice,don’tyouFEELhowjollyandsummeryacricketpitchmakeseverything?”
MrsJeremytookadeepbreath.“Yes,there’snothinglikeabucketofwhiteningtomakeyouthinkofsummer.”
“I’mgladyouthinksotoo,”saidJeremywithanairofrelief,“becauseIupsetthebucketonthewaybacktothestables—justunderneaththepergola.Itoughttobringtherosesonlikeanything.”
ANINLANDVOYAGE
ThomastookadayofflastMondayinordertoplaygolfwithme.ForthatdaytheAdmiraltyhadtogetalongwithoutThomas.ItrembletothinkwhatwouldhavehappenedifwarhadbrokenoutonMonday.CouldaThomaslessAdmiraltyhavecopedwithit?Itrownot.Evenasitwas,battleshipsgrounded,crewsmutinied,andseveralawkwardquestionsintheHouseofCommonshadtobepostponedtillTuesday.
Something—somepremonitionofthis,nodoubt—seemedtobeweighingonhimallday.
“Rottenweather,”hegrowled,ashecameupthestepsoftheclub.
“I’mverysorry,”Isaid.“Ikeeponcomplainingtothesecretaryaboutit.Hedoeshisbest.”
“What’sthat?”
“Hetapsthebarometereverymorning,andsaysitwillclearupintheafternoon.Shallwegooutnow,orshallwegiveitachancetostop?”
Thomaslookedattherainanddecidedtoletitstop.ImadehimascomfortableasIcould.Igavehimadrink,acigarette,andMistakeswiththeMashie.OnthetableathiselbowIhadinreserveFaultyPlaywiththeBrassyandaWestMiddlesexDirectory.FormyselfIwanderedaboutrestlessly,pausingnowandagaintoreadenviouslyanoticewhichsaidthatC.D.Topping’shandicapwasreducedfrom24to22.Luckyman!
Atabouthalf-pasteleventherainstoppedforamoment,andwehurriedout.
“Thecourseisalittlewet,”Isaidapologetically,aswestoodonthefirsttee,“butwithyournavalexperienceyouwon’tmindthat.Bytheway,Ioughttowarnyouthatthisisn’tallcasualwater.Someofitisriver.”
“Howdoyouknowwhichiswhich?”
“You’llsoonfindout.Theriverismuchdeeper.Goon—yourdrive.”
“You’llsoonfindout.Theriverismuchdeeper.Goon—yourdrive.”
Thomaswonthefirstholeveryeasily.Webothtookfourtothegreen,ThomasinadditionhavingfivesplashesofmudonhisfacewhileIonlyhadthree.Unfortunatelytheimmediateneighbourhoodoftheholewasunderwater.Thomas,thebounder,hadasmallheavyball,whichhemanagedtosinkinnine.Myown,beinglighter,refusedtogointothetinatall,andfloatedabovetheholeinthemostexasperatingway.
“Iexpectthere’saruleaboutit,”Isaid,“ifweonlyknew,whichgivesmethematch.However,untilwefindthatout,Isupposeyoumustcallyourselfoneup.”
“Ishallwantsomedrysocksforlunch,”hemuttered,ashesploshedofftothetee.
“Anythingyouwantforlunchyoucanhave,mydearThomas.Ipromiseyouthatyoushallnotbestinted.Thenextgreenisbelowsea-levelaltogether,I’mafraid.Thefirstinthewaterwins.”
Honours,itturnedout,weredivided.Ilostthehole,andThomaslosthisball.Thethirdteehavingdisappeared,wemovedontothefourth.
“There’sratheranastyplacealonghere,”Isaid.
“TheSecretarywassuckedintheotherday,andonlyrescuedbythehair.”
Thomasdroveagoodone.Itoppedminebadly,anditsettleddowninthemudfiftyyardsoff.“Excuseme,”IshoutedasIranquicklyafterit,andIgotmyniblickontoitjustasitwasdisappearing.Itwasaveryclosething.
“Well,”saidThomas,ashereachedhisball,“that’snotwhatIcallabrassylie.”
“It’swhatwecallacorkscrewliedownhere,”Iexplained.“Ifyouhaven’tgotacorkscrew,you’dbetterdigrounditwithsomething,andthenwhenthepositionisthoroughlyundermined—Oh,goodshot!”
Thomashadgotoutofthefairwayinone,buthestillseemedunhappy.
“Myeye,”hesaid,bendingdowninagony;“I’vegotabouthalfMiddlesexinit.”
it.”
Hewalkedroundincirclessayingstrangenauticalthings,andmysuggestionsthatheshould(1)rubtheothereye,and(2)blowhisnosesuddenly,werereceivedungenerously.
“Anythingyou’dlikemetodowithmyears?”heaskedbitterly.“Ifyou’dcomeandtakesomemudoutforme,insteadoftalkingrot—”
Iapproachedwithmyhandkerchiefandexaminedtheeyecarefully.
“Seeanything?”askedThomas.
“MydearThomas,it’sFULLofturf.Wemustn’tforgettoreplacethisifwecangetitout.WhattheSecretarywouldsay—There!How’sthat?”
“Worsethanever.”
“Trynottothinkaboutit.KeeptheOTHEReyeontheballasmuchaspossible.Thisismyholebytheway.Yourballislost.”
“Howdoyouknow?”
“Isawitlosingitself.ItwentintothebadplaceItoldyouabout.It’sgonetojointheSecretary.Oh,no,wegothimout,ofcourse;Ikeepforgetting.Anyhow,it’smyhole.”
“IthinkIshallturnmytrousersupagain,”saidThomas,bendingdowntodoso.“Istherealocalruleaboutit?”
“No;itisleftentirelytothediscretionandgoodtasteofthemembers.Naturallyalittleextralicenceisallowedonaverymuddyday.Ofcourse,if—Oh,Isee.Youmeantalocalruleaboutlosingyourballinthemud?No,Idon’tknowofone—unlessitcomesundertheheadingofcasualland.Beasportsman,Thomas,anddon’tbegrudgemethehole.”
Thegameproceeded,andwereachedthetwelfthteewithoutanyfurthercontretemps;savethatIaccidentallylostthesixth,ninthandtenthholes,andthatThomaslosthisironattheeighth.Hehadcarelesslylaiditdownforamomentwhilehegotoutofaholewithhisniblick,andwhenheturnedroundforitthethingwasgone.
Atthetwelfthteeitwasrainingharderthanever.Wepoundedalongwithourcoat-collarsupandreachedthegreenabsolutelywetthrough.
“Howaboutit?”saidThomas.
“Myhole,Ithink;andthatmakesusallsquare.”
“Imeanhowabouttherain?Andit’sjustoneo’clock.”
“Justasyoulike.Well,Isupposeitisratherwet.Allright,let’shavelunch.”
Wehadlunch.Thomashaditintheonlydrythingshehadbroughtwithhim—anulsterandapairofVardoncuffs,andsatasnearthefireaspossible.Itwasstillrainingintorrentsafterlunch,andThomas,whoisnotwhatIcallkeenaboutgolf,preferredtoremainbeforethefire.Perhapshewasright.IrakedupanoldcopyofStrumerswiththeNiblickforhim,andreadbitsoftheTelephoneDirectoryoutaloud.
Afterteahisproperclothesweredryenoughinplacestoputon,andasitwasstillraininghard,andheseemeddisinclinedtocomeoutagain,Iorderedacabforusboth.
“It’sreallyrottenluck,”saidThomas,aswepreparedtoleave,“thatontheonedaywhenItakeaholiday,itshouldbesobeastly.”
“Beastly,Thomas?”Isaidinamazement.“TheONEday?I’mafraidyoudon’tplayinlandgolfmuch?”
“IhardlyeverplayroundLondon.”
“Ithoughtnot.Thenletmetellyouthatto-day’swasthebestday’sgolfI’vehadforthreeweeks.”
“Golly!”saidThomas.
ANINFORMALEVENING
DINNERwasaveryquietaffair.NotasouldrewmychairawayfromundermeasIsatdown,andduringthemealnobodythrewbreadabout.Wetalkedgentlyofartandpoliticsandthings;andwhentheladieslefttherewasnoboobytrapwaitingforthematthedoor.Inaword,nothingtopreparemeforwhatwastofollow.
Westrolledleisurelyintothedrawing-room.Aglancetoldmetheworst.TheladieswereinaclusterroundMissPower,andMissPowerwasonthefloor.Shegotupquicklyaswecamein.
“Weweretryingtogounderneaththepoker,”sheexplained.“Canyoudoit?”
Iwavedthepokerback.
“Letmeseeyoudoitagain,”Isaid.“Imissedthefirstpart.”
“Oh,Icanneverdoit.Bob,youshowus.”
Bobisanactiveyoungfellow.Hetookthepoker,restedtheendonthefloor,andthentwistedhimselfunderneathhisrightarm.Iexpectedtoseehimcomeupinsideout,buthelookedmuchthesameafterit.However,nodoubthisorgansareallonthewrongsidenow.
“Yes,that’showIshoulddoit,”Isaidhastily.
ButMissPowerwasfirm.Shegavemethepoker.Ipressedithardonthefloor,saidgood-byetothemall,anddived.Igothalf-wayround,andwassupportingmyselfupsidedownbyonetoeandtheslipperyendofthepoker,whenitsuddenlyoccurredtomethattheearthwasrevolvingatanincrediblespeedonitsownaxis,andthat,inaddition,wewerehurtlingatthousandsofmilesaminuteroundthesun.ItseemedimpossibleinthesecircumstancesthatIshouldkeepmybalanceanylonger;andassoonasIrealizedthis,thepokerbegantoslip.Iwasinnosortofpositiontodoanythingaboutit,andwecamedownheavilytogether.
“Oh,whatapity!”saidMissPower.“Iquitethoughtyou’ddoneit.”
“Beingactuallyonthespot,”Isaid,“IknewthatIhadn’t.”
“Dotryagain.”
“Nottilltheground’salittlesofter.”
“Let’sdothejam-pottrick,”saidanothergirl.
“I’mnotgoingunderajam-potforanybody,”Imurmured.
However,itturnedoutthatthistrickwasquitedifferent.Youplaceabook(Macaulay’sEssaysorwhatnot)onthejam-potandsitonthebook,oneheelonlytouchingtheground.Intherighthandyouhaveaboxofmatches,intheleftacandle.Thejam-pot,ofcourse,isonitsside,sothatitcanrollbeneathyou.Thenyoulightthecandle…andhandittoanybodywhowantstogotobed.
Iwasreadytogivewaytotheladieshere,butevenwhileIwasbowingandsaying,“Notatall,”Ifoundmyselfononeofthejam-potswithBobnexttomeonanother.Tobalancewiththearmsoutstretchedwasnotsodifficult;butasthematcheswerethenaboutsixfeetfromthecandleandthereseemednowayofgettingthemnearertogetherthesolutionoftheproblemwasasremoteasever.ThreetimesIbroughtmyhandstogether,andthreetimesthejam-potleftme.
“Wellplayed,Bob,”saidsomebody.Thebounderhaddoneit.
Ilookedathisjam-pot.
“Thereyouare,”Isaid,“‘Raspberry—1909.’Mine’s‘Gooseberry-1911,’arottenvintage.Andlookatmybook,AloneonthePrairie;andyou’vegotTheMormon’sWedding.NowonderIcouldn’tdoit.”
IrefusedtotryitagainasIdidn’tthinkIwasbeingtreatedfairly;andafterBobandMissPowerhadhadaraceatit,whichBobwon,wegotontosomethingelse.
“Ofcourseyoucanpickapinoutofachairwithyourteeth?”saidMissPower.
“Notproperly,”Isaid.“Ialwaysswallowthepin.”
“Isupposeitdoesn’tcountifyouswallowthepin,”saidMissPowerthoughtfully.
thoughtfully.
“Idon’tknow.I’veneverreallythoughtaboutthatsideofitmuch.Anyhow,unlessyou’vegotawholelotofpinsyoudon’twant,don’taskmetodoitto-night.”
Accordinglywepassedontothewater-trick.Irefusedatthis,butMissPowerwentfulllengthonthefloorwithaglassofwaterbalancedonherforeheadandcameupagainwithoutspillingasingledrop.Personally,Ishouldn’thavemindedspillingasingledrop;itwasthethoughtofspillingthewholeglassthatkeptmeback.Anyway,itisauselesstrick,theneedforwhichneverarisesinanordinarycareer.PickingupTheTimeswiththeteeth,whileclaspingtheleftanklewiththerighthand,isanothermatter.Thatmightcomeinusefulonoccasions;as,forinstance,ifhavinglostyourleftarmonthefieldandhavingtostaunchwiththerighthandtheflowofbloodfromabulletwoundintheoppositeankle,youdesiredtoglancethroughtheFinancialSupplementwhilewaitingfortheambulance.
“Here’sanicelittletrick,”brokeinBob,asIwaspreparingmyselfinthiswayfortheGermaninvasion.
Hehadputtwochairstogether,fronttofront,andwasstandingoverthem—afootontheflooroneachsideofthem,ifthatconveysittoyou.Thenhejumpedup,turnedroundintheair,andcamedownfacingtheotherway.
“CanYOUdoit?”IsaidtoMissPower.
“Comeandtry,”saidBobtome.“It’snotreallydifficult.”
Iwentandstoodoverthechairs.ThenImovedthemapartandwalkedovertomyhostess.
“Good-bye,”Isaid;“I’mafraidImustgonow.”
“Coward!”saidsomebody,whoknewmeratherbetterthantheothers.
“It’smucheasierthanyouthink,”saidBob.
“Idon’tthinkit’seasyatall,”Iprotested.“Ithinkit’simpossible.”
Iwentbackandstoodoverthechairsagain.ForsometimeIwaitedthereindeepthought.ThenIbentmykneespreparatorytothespring,straightenedthem
deepthought.ThenIbentmykneespreparatorytothespring,straightenedthemup,andsaid:
“Whathappensifyoujustmissit?”
“Isupposeyoubarkyourshinsabit.”
“Yes,that’swhatIthought.”
Ibentmykneesagain,workedmyarmsupanddown,andthenstoppedsuddenlyandsaid:
“Whathappensifyoumissitprettyeasily?”
“Oh,YOUcandoit,ifBobcan,”saidMissPowerkindly.
“He’spractised.Iexpecthestartedwithtwohassocksandworkeduptothis.I’mnotafraidbutIwanttoknowthepossibilities.Ifit’sonlyabrokenlegortwo,Idon’tmind.Ifit’spermanentdisfigurementIthinkIoughttoconsultmyfamilyfirst.”
Ijumpedupandcamedownagainthesamewayforpractice.
“Verywell,”Isaid.“NowI’mgoingtotry.Ihaven’tthefaintesthopeofdoingit,butyouallseemtowanttoseeanaccident,and,anyhow,I’mnotgoingtobecalledacoward.One,two,three…”
“Welldone,”criedeverybody.
“DidIdoit?”Iwhispered,asIsatonthefloorandpressedacushionagainstmyshins.
“Rather!”
“Then,”Isaid,massagingmyankles,“nexttimeIshalltrytomiss.”
THECONTINENTALMANNER
OFcourseIshouldrecognizeSimpsonanywhere,evenatamaskedball.Besides,whobutSimpsonwouldgotoafancy-dressdanceasashort-sightedexecutioner,andwearhisspectaclesoutsidehismask?Butitwasasurprisetometoseehimthereatall.
“Samuel,”Isaidgravely,tappinghimontheshoulder,“Ishallhavetowritehomeaboutthis.”
Heturnedroundwithastart.
“Hallo!”hesaideagerly.“Howsplendid!But,mydearoldchap,whyaren’tyouincostume?”
“Iam,”Iexplained.“I’vecomeasanarchitect.Luckilytheeveningclothesofanarchitectaresimilartomyown.Excuseme,sir,butdoyouwantahousebuilt?”
“Howdoyoulikemydress?Iamanexecutioner.Ileftmyaxeinthecloak-room.”
“SoIobserve.Youknow,inreallife,onehardlyevermeetsanexecutionerwhowearsspectacles.Andyet,ofcourse,ifoneCAN’Tseetheheadproperlywithoutglasses—”
“ByJove,”saidSimpson,“theresheisagain.”
Columbineinamaskhurriedpastusandmixedwiththecrowd.Whatonecouldseeofherfacelookedpretty;itseemedtohaveupsetSimpsonaltogether.
“Askherforadance,”Isuggested.“Beagaydog,Simpson.WakeLondonup.Atamaskedballoneisallowedacertainamountoflicence.”
“Exactly,”saidSimpsoninsomeexcitement.“OnenaturallylooksforalittleContinentalABANDONatthesedances.”(PORTRAITOFSIMPSONSHOWINGCONTINENTALabandon.)“AndsoIdidaskherforadancejustnow.”
“Shewascold,Samuel,Ifear?”
“Shesaid,‘Sorry,I’mfullup.’”
“Aruse,ameresubterfuge.Now,lookhere,askheragain,andbemoredebonairanddashingthistime.Whatyouwantistoendueherwiththespiritofrevelry.Perhapsyou’dbettergotothebarfirstandhaveadryginger-ale,andthenyou’llfeelmoreintheContinentalmood.”
“ByJove,Iwill,”saidSimpson,withgreatdecision.
Iwanderedintotheball-roomandlookedround.Columbinewasstandinginacorneralone;someoutsiderhadcutherdance.AsIlookedatherIthoughtofSimpsonlettinghimselfgo,andsmiledtomyself.Shecaughttheedgeofthesmileandunconsciouslysmiledback.RememberingthegoodadvicewhichIhadjustgivenanother,Idecidedtoriskit.
“Doyoueverdancewitharchitects?”Iaskedher.
“Idosometimes.”shesaid.“NotinLent,”sheadded.
“InLent,”Iagreed,“onehastogiveupthemorefuriouspleasures.Shallwejustfinishoffthisdance?Anddon’tlet’stalkshopaboutarchitecture.”
Wefinishedthedanceandretiredtothestairs.
“Iwantyoutodosomethingforme,”Ibegancautiously.
“Anythingexceptgointosupperagain.I’vejustdonethatforsomebodyelse.”
“No,it’snotthat.Thefactis,IhaveagreatfriendcalledSimpson.”
“Itsoundsacaseforhelp,”shemurmured.
“Heishereto-nightdisguisedasanexecutioneringlasses.Heis,infact,theonlyspectacledbeheaderpresent.Youcan’tmisshim.”
“Allthesame,Imanagedtojustnow,”shegurgled.
“Iknow.Heaskedyouforadanceandyourebuffedhim.Well,heisnowfortifyinghimselfwithasmalldryginger,andhewillthenaskyouagain.Dobekindthistime;he’sreallyadelightfulpersonwhenyougettoknowhim.Forinstance,bothhiswhiskersarefalse.”
instance,bothhiswhiskersarefalse.”
“NodoubtIshouldgrowtolovehim,”sheagreed;“butIdidn’tmuchlikehisoutwardappearance.However,ifbothwhiskersarefalse,andifhe’sreallyafriendofyours—”
“Heisnaturallyasharmlessasalamb,”Isaid;“butatadancelikethisheconsidersithisdutytothrowalittleContinentalABANDONintohismanner.”
Columbinelookedatmethoughtfully,noddingherhead,andslowlybegantosmile.
“Yousee,”Isaid,“thepossibilities.”
“Heshallhavehisdance,”shesaiddecidedly.
“Thankyouverymuch.Ishouldliketoaskforanotherdanceformyselflateron,butIamafraidIshouldtrytogetoutofyouwhathesaid,andthatwouldn’tbefair.”
“OfcourseIshouldn’ttellyou.”
“Well,anyhow,you’llhavehadenoughofusbythen.Butsoftly—heapproaches,andImustneedsfly,lestheshouldpiercemydisguise.Good-bye,andthankyousomuch.”
…….
SoIcan’tsaywithauthoritywhathappenedbetweenSimpsonandColumbinewhentheymet.ButSimpsonandIhadacigarettetogetherafterwardsandcertainthingscameout;enoughtomakeitplainthatshemusthaveenjoyedherself.
“Oh,Isay,oldchap,”hebeganjauntily,“doyouknow—match,thanks—er—whereaboutsisFinsburyCircus?”
“You’retoooldtogotoacircusnow,Simpson.ComeandhaveadayatthePolytechnicinstead.”
Polytechnicinstead.”
“Don’tbeanass;it’saplacelikeOxfordCircus.Isupposeit’sintheCitysomewhere?Iwonder,”hemurmuredtohimself,“whatshewouldbedoingintheCityateleveno’clockinthemorning.”
“Perhapsherrichuncleisinabank,andshewantstoshoothim.Iwishyou’dtellmewhatyou’retalkingabout.”
Simpsontookoffhismaskandspectaclesandwipedhisbrow.
“Dearoldchap,”hesaidinasolemnvoice,“inthecaseofawomanonecannottellevenone’sbestfriend.Youknowhowitis.”
“Well,ifthere’sgoingtobeaduelyoushouldhavechosensomequieterspotthanFinsburyCircus.Themotor-busesdistractone’saim.”
Simpsonwassilentforaminuteortwo.Thenafoolishsmileflittedacrosshisface,tobefollowedsuddenlybyalookofalarm.
“Don’tdoanythingthatyourmotherwouldn’tlike,”Isaidwarningly.
Hefrownedandputonhismaskagain.
“Arechrysanthemumsinseason?”heaskedcasually.“Anyhow,IsupposeIcouldalwaysgetayellowone?”
“Youcould,Simpson.Andyoucouldputitinyourbutton-hole,sothatyoucanberecognized,andgotoFinsburyCircustomeetsomebodyateleveno’clockto-morrowmorning.Samuel,I’mashamedofyou.Er—wheredoyoulunch?”
“AttheCarlton.Oldchap,Igotquitecarriedaway.ThingsseemedtobearrangedbeforeIknewwhereIwas.”
“Andwhat’sshegoingtowearsothatyoucanrecognizeHER?”
“Yes,”saidSimpson,gettingup,“that’stheworstofit.Itoldheritwasquiteoutofdate,andthatonlythesuburbsworefashionsayearold,butsheinsistedonit.Ihadnoideashewasthatsortofgirl.Well,I’minforitnow.”Hesighedheavilyandwentoffforanotherginger-ale.
heavilyandwentoffforanotherginger-ale.
IthinkthatImustbeatFinsburyCircusto-morrow,forcertainlynoColumbineinaharemskirtwillbethere.Simpsoninhislonelinesswillbedelightedtoseeme,andthenwecanthrowawayhisbutton-holeandhaveanicelittlelunchtogether.
TWOSTORIES
THEMAKINGOFACHRISTMASSTORY
(ASCARRIEDOUTINTHEBESTENDOFFLEETSTREET)
YULETIDE!
LondonatYuletide!
AmantleofwhitelayupontheEmbankment,whereourstoryopens,gleamingandglisteningasitcaughttheraysofthecoldDecembersun;anembroideryofwhitefringedthetrees;andunderacanopyofwhitetheproudpalacesofSavoyandCecilrearedtheirsilentheads.Themightyriverinfrontwasmotionless,forthefingerofDeathhadlaiditsicyhanduponit.Above—thehardblueskystretchingtoeternity;below—thewhitepurityofinnocence.Londoninthegripofwinter!
[EDITOR.Come,Ilikethis.Thisisgoingtobegood.Acoldday,wasitnot?
AUTHOR.Very.]
Allatoncethequietofthemorningwasdisturbed.Inthedistanceabellrangout,sendingajoyouspaeantotheheavens.Anothertookuptheword,andthenanother,andanother.WestminstercaughtthemessagefromBartholomewthesonofThunder,andflungittoGilesWithout,whogaveitgentlytoAndrewbytheWardrobe.Suddenlytheairwasfilledwithbells,allchantingtogetherofpeaceandhappiness,mirthandjollity—afrenzyofbells.
TheDuke,fatheroffourfinechildren,wakinginhisHighlandcastle,heardandsmiledashethoughtofhislittleones….
TheMerchantPrince,turningoverinhisStreathamresidence,heard,andturnedagaintosleep,withloveforallmankindinhisheart….
ThePauperinhisworkhouse,upbetimes,heard,andchuckledattheprospectofhisChristmasdinner….
And,ontheEmbankment,RobertHardrow,withacynicalsmileonhislips,listenedtothesplendidironyofit.
[EDITOR.Wereallyaregettingtothestorynow,arewenot?AUTHOR.Thatwasalllocalcolour.IwanttomakeitquiteclearthatitwasChristmas.EDITOR.Yes,yes,quiteso.ThisiscertainlyaChristmasstory.IthinkIshalllikeRobert,doyouknow?]
ItwasChristmasday,somuchatleastwascleartohim.Withthatsamecynicalsmileonhislips,hepulledhisshiveringragsabouthim,andhalfunconsciouslyfeltatthegrowthofbeardabouthischin.Nobodywouldrecognizehimnow.Hisfriends(ashehadthoughtthem)wouldpassbywithoutaglanceforthepooroutcastnearthem.Thewomenthathehadknownwoulddrawtheirskirtsawayfromhiminhorror.EvenLadyAlice—
LadyAlice!Thecauseofitall!
Histhoughtsflewbacktothatlastscene,buttwenty-fourhoursago,whentheyhadpartedforever.Ashehadenteredthehallhehadhalfwonderedtohimselfiftherecouldbeanybodyintheworldthatdayhappierthanhimself.Tall,well-connected,avice-presidentoftheTariffReformLeague,andengagedtothesweetestgirlinEngland,hehadbeentheenvyofall.Littledidhethinkthatthatverynighthewastoreceivehisconge!Whatmattereditnowhoworwhytheyhadquarrelled?Afewhastywords,abittertaunt,tears,andthentheend.
Alastcryfromher—“Go,andletmeneverseeyourfaceagain!”
Alastsneerfromhim—“Iwillgo,butfirstgivemebackthepresentsIhavepromisedyou!”
Thenaslammeddoorand—silence.
Whatuse,withoutherguidance,totrytokeepstraightanymore?Bereftofherlove,Roberthadsunksteadily.Gambling,drink,morphia,billiardsandcigars—hehadtakentothemall;untilnowinthewretchedfigureoftheoutcastontheEmbankmentyouwouldneverhaverecognizedtheoncesprucefigureofHandsomeHardrow.
[EDITOR.Itallseemstohavehappenedratherrapidly,doesitnot?Twenty-fourhoursagohehadbeen—AUTHOR.YouforgetthatthisisSHORTstory.]
HandsomeHardow!Howabsurditsoundednow!Hehadlethisbeardgrow,hisclotheswereinrags,ascaroveroneeyetestified—
[EDITOR.Yes,yes.Ofcourse,Iquiteadmitthatamanmightgotothebadintwenty-fourhours,butwouldhisbeardgrowas—AUTHOR.Lookhere,you’veheardofamangoinggreywithtroubleinasinglenight,haven’tyou?
EDITOR.Certainly.
AUTHOR.Well,it’sthesameideaasthat.
EDITOR.Ah,quiteso,quiteso.
AUTHOR.WherewasI?
EDITOR.Ascaroveroneeyewasjusttestifying—Isupposehehadtwoeyesintheordinaryway?]
–testifiedtoadrunkenfrolicofanhourortwoago.Neverbefore,thoughtthepoliceman,ashepasseduponhisbeat,hadsuchapitifulfigurecoweredupontheEmbankment,andprayedforthenighttocoverhim.
The—
Hewas—
Er—the—
[EDITOR.Yes?
AUTHOR.TotellthetruthIamratherstuckforthemoment.
EDITOR.Whatisthetrouble?
AUTHOR.Idon’tquiteknowwhattodowithRobertfortenhoursorso.
EDITOR.Couldn’thegosomewherebyalocalline?
AUTHOR.Thisisnotahumorousstory.ThepointisthatIwanthimtobeoutsideacertainhousesometwentymilesfromtownateighto’clockthatevening.
EDITOR.IfIwereRobertIshouldcertainlystartatonce.
AUTHOR.No,Ihaveit.]
Ashesatthere,histhoughtsflewoverthebridgeofyears,andhewaswaftedonthewingsofmemorytootherandhappierYuletides.ThatChristmaswhenhehadreceivedhisfirstbicycle….
ThatChristmasabroad….
Themerryhouse-partyattheplaceofhisCambridgefriend….
YuletideatTheTowers,wherehehadfirstmetAlice!
Ah!
Tenhourspassedrapidlythus…
…….
[AUTHOR.Iputdotstodenotetheflightofyears.EDITOR.Besides,itwillgivethereadertimeforasandwich.]
Robertgotupandshookhimself.
[EDITOR.Onemoment.ThisisaChristmasstory.Whenareyoucomingtotherobin?
AUTHOR.Ireallycan’tbebotheredaboutrobinsjustnow.IassureyouallthebestChristmasstoriesbeginlikethisnowadays.Wemaygettoarobinlater;Icannotsay.
EDITOR.Wemust.Myreadersexpectarobin,andtheyshallhaveit.Andawassail-bowl,andaturkey,andaChristmas-tree,anda—
AUTHOR.Yes,yes;butwait.WeshallcometolittleElsiesoon,andthenperhapsitwillbeallright.
EDITOR.LittleElsie.Good!]
Robertgotupandshookhimself.Thenheshiveredmiserably,asthecoldwindcutthroughhimlikeaknife.Foramomenthestoodmotionless,gazingoverthestoneparapetintothedarkriverbeyond,andashegazedathoughtcameintohismind.Whynotenditall—hereandnow?Hehadnothingtolivefor.Oneswiftplunge,and—
[EDITOR.YOuforget.Theriverwasfrozen.
AUTHOR.Dashit,Iwasjustgoingtosaythat.]
Butno!EveninthisFatewasagainsthim.THERIVERWASFROZENOVER!Heturnedawaywithacurse….
WhathappenedafterwardsRobertneverquiteunderstood.AlmostunconsciouslyhemusthavecrossedoneofthenumerousbridgeswhichspantheriverandjoinNorthLondontoSouth.Onceontheotherside,heseemstohavesethisfacesteadilybeforehim,andtohavedraggedhiswearylimbsonandon,regardlessoftimeandplace.Hewalkedlikeoneinadream,hisminddruggedbythedullnarcoticofphysicalpain.SuddenlyherealizedthathehadleftLondonbehindhim,andwasinthemoreopenspacesofthecountry.Thehousesweremorescattered;therecurringvillaoftheclerkhadgivenplacetotheisolatedmansionofthestockbroker.Eachresidencestoodinitsownsplendidgrounds,surroundedbyfineoldforesttreesandapproachedbyalongcarriagesweep.Electric—
[EDITORQuiteso.Thewholeformingamagnificentestateforaretiredgentleman.Nevermindthat.]
Robertstoodattheentrancetooneofthesehouses,andtheironenteredintohissoul.Howdifferentwasthisman’spositionfromhisown!Whatrighthadthisman—aperfectstranger—tobehappyandcontentedintheheartofhisfamily,whilehe,Robert,stood,ahomelesswanderer,aloneinthecold?
Almostunconsciouslyhewandereddownthedrive,hardlyrealizingwhathewasdoinguntilhewasbroughtupbythegaylightsofthewindows.Stillwithoutthinking,hestoopeddownandpeeredintothebrilliantlylitroomabovehim.Withinallwasjollity;beautifulwomenmovedtoandfro,andthehappylaughterofchildrencametohim.“Elsie,”heheardsomeonecall,andachildishtrebleresponded.
sponded.
[EDITOR.Nowfortherobin.
AUTHOR.Iamverysorry.Ihavejustrememberedsomethingrathersad.Thefactisthat,twodaysbefore,Elsiehadforgottentofeedtherobin,andinconsequenceithaddiedbeforethisstoryopens.
EDITOR.Thatisreallyveryawkward.Ihavealreadyarrangedwithanartisttodosomepictures,ANDIREMEMBERIPARTICULARLYORDEREDAROBINANDAWASSAIL.WHATABOUTTHEWASSAIL?
AUTHOR.ELSIEALWAYSHADHERPORRIDGEupstairs.]
AterriblethoughthadcomeintoRobert’shead.Itwasnearlytwelveo’clock.Thehouse-partywasretiringtobed.Heheardthe“Good-nights”waftedthroughtheopenwindow;thelightswentout,toreappearupstairs.Presentlytheytoowentout,andRobertwasalonewiththedarkenedhouse.
Thetemptationwastoomuchforaconsciencealreadysoddenwithbilliards,drinkandcigars.Heflungalegoverthesillanddrewhimselfgentlyintotheroom.Atleasthewouldhaveonegoodmeal,hetoowouldhavehisChristmasdinnerbeforetheendcame.Heswitchedthelightonandturnedeagerlytothetable.Hiseyesravenouslyscannedthecontents.Turkey,mince-pies,plum-pudding—allwasthereasinthedaysofhisyouth.
[EDITOR.THISISBETTER.IORDEREDATURKEY,IREMEMBER.WHATABOUTTHEMISTLETOEANDHOLLY?IRATHERTHINKIASKEDFORSOMEOFTHEM.
AUTHOR.WEMUSTLETTHEREADERSTAKESOMETHINGFORGRANTED
EDITOR.IAMNOTSOSURE.COULDN’TYOUSAYSOMETHINGLIKETHIS:“HOLLYANDMISTLETOEHUNGINFESTOONSUPONTHEWALL?”]
Indeed,evenhollyandmistletoehunginfestoonsuponthewall.
[EDITOR.THANKYOU.]
WithasighofcontentHardrowflunghimselfintoachair,andseizedaknifeandfork.Soonaplateliberallyheapedwithgoodthingswasbeforehim.Greedilyhesettowork,withtheappetiteofamanwhohadnottastedfoodforseveralhours….
“Dood-evening,”saidavoice.“AreyouFatherKwistmas?”
Robertturnedsuddenly,andgazedinamazementatthewhite-robedfigureinthedoorway.
“Elsie,”hemurmuredhuskily.
[EDITOR.HOWDIDHEKNOW?ANDWHY“HUSKILY”?
AUTHOR.HEDIDN’TKNOW,HEGUESSED.ANDHISMOUTHWASFULL.]
“AreyouFatherKwistmas?”repeatedElsie.
Robertfeltathischin,andthankedHeavenagainthathehadlethisbeardgrow.Almostmechanicallyhedecidedtowearthemask—inshort,todissemble.
“Yes,mydear,”hesaid.“Ijustlookedintoknowwhatyouwouldlikemetobringyou.”
“You’relate,aren’too?Oughtn’tootohavecomethismorning?”
[EDITOR.THISISSPLENDID.THISQUITERECONCILESMETOTHEABSENCEOFTHEROBIN.BUTWHATWASELSIEDOINGDOWNSTAIRS?
AUTHOR.IAMMAKINGROBERTASKHERTHATQUESTIONDIRECTLY.
EDITOR.YES,BUTJUSTTELLMENOW—BETWEENFRIENDS.
AUTHOR.SHEHADLEFTHERGOLLIWOGINTHEROOM,ANDCOULDN’TSLEEPWITHOUTHER.
EDITOR.IKNEWTHATWASIT.]
“IfI’mlate,dear,”saidRobert,withasmile,“why,soareyou.”
“IfI’mlate,dear,”saidRobert,withasmile,“why,soareyou.”
Thegoodfoodandwineinhisveinsweredoingtheirwork,andapleasantwarmthwasstealingoverHardrow.Hefoundtohissurprisethatairybanterstillcameeasytohim.
“Towhat,”hecontinuedlightly,“doIowethehonourofthismeeting?”
“Icamedownstairsformydolly,”saidElsie.“Theoneyousentmethismorning,doyouremember?”
“OfcourseIdo,mydear.”
“Andwhathaveyoubwoughtmenow,FatherKwistmas?”
Robertstarted.Ifhewastoplaytherolesuccessfullyhemustfindsomethingtogivehernow.Theremainsoftheturkey,apairoffinger-bowls,hisoldhat—allthesecamehastilyintohismind,andweredismissed.Hehadnothingofvalueonhim.Allhadbeenpawnedlongago.
Stay!Thegoldlocketstuddedwithdiamondsandrubies,whichcontainedAlice’sphotograph.Theonemementoofherthathehadkept,evenwhenthepangsofstarvationwereuponhim.Hebroughtitfromitsresting-placenexthisheart.
“Alittlesomethingtowearroundyourneck,child,”hesaid.“See!”
“Thankoo,”saidElsie.“Why,itopens!”
“Yes,itopens,”saidRobertmoodily.
“Why,it’sAlith!SisterAlith!”
[EDITOR.HA!
AUTHOR.ITHOUGHTYOU’DLIKETHAT.]
Robertleapttohisfeetasifhehadbeenshot.
“Who?”hecried.
“MysisterAlith.Doesooknowhertoo?”
“MysisterAlith.Doesooknowhertoo?”
Alice’ssister!Heavens!Hecoveredhisfacewithhishands.
Thedooropened.
[EDITOR.HAAGAIN!]
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Elsie?”saidavoice.“Gotobed,child.Why,whoisthis?”
“FatherKwithmath,thithter.”
[EDITOR.HOWEXACTLYDOYOUWORKTHELISPING?
AUTHOR.WHATDOYOUMEAN?DON’TCHILDRENOFELSIE’STENDERYEARSLISPSOMETIMES?
EDITOR.YES;BUTJUSTNOWSHESAID“KWISTMAS”QUITECORRECTLY—
AUTHOR.IAMGLADYOUNOTICEDTHAT.THATWASANEFFECTWHICHIINTENDEDTOPRODUCE.LISPINGISBROUGHTABOUTBYPLACINGTHETONGUEUPONTHEHARDSURFACEOFTHEPALATE,ANDINCASESWHERETHESUBJECTISUNDULYEXCITEDORINFLUENCEDBYEMOTIONTHELISPBECOMESMOREPRONOUNCED.INTHISCASE—
EDITOR.YETH,ITHEE.]
“Sendheraway,”criedRobert,withoutraisinghishead.
Thedooropened,andclosedagain.
“Well,”saidAlicecalmly,“andwhoareyou?Youmayhaveliedtothispoorchild,butyoucannotdeceiveme.YouareNOTFatherChristmas.”
Themiserablemanraisedhisshamefacedheadandlookedhaggardlyather.
“Alice!”hemuttered,“don’tyourememberme?”
Shegazedathimearnestly.
Shegazedathimearnestly.
“Robert!Buthowchanged!”
“Sinceweparted,Alice,muchhashappened.”
“YetitseemsonlyyesterdaythatIsawyou!”
[EDITOR.ITwasONLYYESTERDAY.
AUTHOR.YES,YES.DON’TINTERRUPTNOW,PLEASE.]
“Tomeithasseemedyears.”
“Butwhatareyoudoinghere?”saidAlice.
“Rather,whatareYOUdoinghere?”answeredRobert.
[EDITOR.ITHINKALICE’SQUESTIONWASTHEMOREREASONABLEONE.]
“MyuncleJosephliveshere.”
Robertgaveasuddencry.
“YouruncleJoseph!ThenIhavebrokenintoyouruncleJoseph’shouse!Alice,sendmeaway!Putmeinprison!Dowhatyouwilltome!Icanneverholdupmyheadagain.”
LadyAlicelookedgentlyatthewretchedfigureinfrontofher.
“Iamgladtoseeyouagain,”shesaid.“BecauseIwantedtosaythatitwasMYfault!”
“Alice!”
“Canyouforgiveme?”
“Forgiveyou?IfyouknewwhatmylifehasbeensinceIleftyou!IfyouknewintowhatpathsofwickednessIhavesunk!Howonlythisevening,unnervedbyexcess,Ihavedeliberatelybrokenintothishouse—youruncleJoseph’shouse—inordertoobtainfood.AlreadyIhaveeatenmorethanhalfaturkeyandthebest
inordertoobtainfood.AlreadyIhaveeatenmorethanhalfaturkeyandthebestpartofaplum-pudding.Ifyouknew,I—”
Withagestureofinfinitecompassionshestoppedhim.
“Thenletusforgiveeachother,”shesaidwithasmile.“Anewyearisbeginning,Robert!”
Hetookherinhisarms.
“Listen,”hesaid.
InthedistancethebellsbegantoringintheNewYear.Amessageofhopetoallwearytravellersonlife’shighway.ItwasNewYear’sDay!
[EDITOR.ITHOUGHTCHRISTMASDAYHADSTARTEDONTHEEMBANKMENT.THISWOULDBEBOXINGDAY.AUTHOR.I‘MSORRY,BUTITMUSTENDLIKETHAT.IMUSTHAVEMYBELLS.YOUCANEXPLAINSOMEHOW.
EDITOR.THAT’SALLVERYWELL.IHAVEAGOODDEALTOEXPLAINASITIS.SOMEOFYOURSTORYDOESN’TFITTHEPICTURESATALL,ANDITISTOOLATENOWTOGETNEWONESDONE.
AUTHOR.IAMAFRAIDICANNOTWORKTOORDER.
EDITOR.YES,IKNOW.THEARTISTSAIDTHESAMETHING.WELL,IMUSTMANAGESOMEHOW,ISUPPOSE.GOOD-BYE.ROTTENWEATHERFORAUGUST,ISN’TIT?]
AMATTER-OF-FACTFAIRYTALE
OnceuponatimetherewasaKingwhohadthreesons.Thetwoeldestwerelazy,good-for-nothingyoungmen,butthethirdson,whosenamewasCharming,wasadelightfulyouth,whowaslovedbyeverybody(outsidehisfamily)whoknewhim.Wheneverherodethroughthetownthepeopleusedtostopwhateverworktheywereengageduponandwavetheircapsandcry
stopwhateverworktheywereengageduponandwavetheircapsandcry“HurrahforPrinceCharming!”—andevenafterhehadpassedtheywouldcontinuetostopwork,incasehemightbecomingbackthesameway,whentheywouldwavetheircapsandcry“HurrahforPrinceCharming!”again.Itwaswonderfulhowfondofhimtheywere.
Butalas!hisfathertheKingwasnotsofond.Hepreferredhiseldestson;whichwasfunnyofhim,becausehemusthaveknownthatonlythethirdandyoungestsoniseveranygoodinafamily.Indeed,theKinghimselfhadbeenathirdson,sohehadreallynoexcuseforignoranceonthepoint.IamafraidthetruthwasthathewasjealousofCharming,becausethelatterwassopopularoutsidehisfamily.
NowtherelivedinthePalaceanoldwomancalledCountessCaramel,whohadbeengovernesstoCharmingwhenhewasyoung.WhentheQueenlaydyingtheCountesshadpromisedherthatshewouldlookafterheryoungestboyforher,andCharminghadoftenconfidedinCaramelsince.Onemorning,whenhisfamilyhadbeenparticularlyrudetohimatbreakfast,Charmingsaidtoher:
“Countess,Ihavemadeupmymind,andIamgoingintotheworldtoseekmyfortune.”
“Ihavebeenwaitingforthis,”saidtheCountess.“Hereisamagicring.Wearitalwaysonyourlittlefinger,andwheneveryouwanthelpturnitroundonceandhelpwillcome.”
Charmingthankedherandputtheringonhisfinger.Thenheturneditroundoncejusttomakesurethatitworked.Immediatelytheoddestlittledwarfappearedinfrontofhim.
“SpeakandIwillobey,”saidthedwarf.
NowCharmingdidn’twantanythingatalljustthen,soafterthinkingforamomenthesaid,“Goaway!”
Thedwarf,alittlesurprised,disappeared.
“Thisissplendid,”thoughtCharming,andhestartedonhistravelswithalightheart.
Thesunwasatitshighestashecametoathickwood,andinitsshadehelaydowntorest.Hewasawakenedbythesoundofweeping.Risinghastilytohis
downtorest.Hewasawakenedbythesoundofweeping.Risinghastilytohisfeethepeeredthroughthetrees,andthere,fiftyyardsawayfromhim,bythesideofastreamsatthemostbeautifuldamselhehadeverseen,wringingherhandsandsobbingbitterly.PrinceCharming,grievingatthesightofbeautyinsuchdistress,coughedandcamenearer,
“Princess,”hesaidtenderly,forheknewshemustbeaPrincess,“youareintrouble.HowcanIhelpyou?”
“FairSir,”sheanswered,“Ihadthoughttobealone.But,sinceyouarehere,youcanhelpmeifyouwill.Ihavea—abrother—”
ButCharmingdidnotwanttotalkaboutbrothers.Hesatdownonafallenlogbesideher,andlookedatherentranced.
“Ithinkyouarethemostlovelyladyinalltheworld,”hesaid.
“AmI?”saidthePrincess,whosename,bytheway,wasBeauty.
Shelookedawayfromhimandtherewassilencebetweenthem.Charming,alittleataloss,fidgetednervouslywithhisring,andbegantospeakagain.
“EversinceIhaveknownyou—”
“Youareinneedofhelp?”saidthedwarf,appearingsuddenly.
“Certainlynot,”saidCharmingangrily.“Notintheleast.Icanmanagethisquitewellbymyself.”
“Speak,andIwillobey.”
“Thengoaway,”saidCharming;andthedwarf,whowasbeginningtolosehisgripofthings,againdisappeared.
ThePrincess,havingpolitelypretendedtobelookingforsomethingwhilethiswasgoingon,turnedtohimagain.
“Comewithme,”shesaid,“andIwillshowyouhowyoucanhelpme.”
Shetookhimbythehandandledhimdownanarrowgladetoalittleclearinginthemiddleofthewood.Thenshemadehimsitdownbesideheronthegrass,andthereshetoldhimhertale.
andthereshetoldhimhertale.
“ThereisagiantcalledBlunderbus,”shesaid,“wholivesinagreatcastletenmilesfromhere.Heisaterriblemagician,andyearsagobecauseIwouldnotmarryhimheturnedmy—mybrotherintoa—Idon’tknowhowtotellyou—intoa—atortoise.”Sheputherhandstoherfaceandsobbedagain.
“Whyatortoise?”saidCharming,knowingthatsympathywasuseless,butfeelingthatheoughttosaySOMETHING.
“Idon’tknow.Hejustthoughtofit.It—itisn’taverynicethingtobe.”
“AndwhyshouldheturnyourBROTHERintoit?Imean,ifhehadturnedYOUintoatortoise—Ofcourse,”hewentonhurriedly,“I’mverygladhedidn’t.”
“Thankyou,”saidBeauty.
“ButIdon’tunderstandwhy—”
“Heknewhecouldhurtmemorebymakingmybrotheratortoisethanbymakingmeone,”sheexplained,andlookedathimanxiously.
ThiswasanewideatoCharming,whohadtwobrothersofhisown;andhelookedatherinsomesurprise.
“Oh,whatdoesitmatterWHYhedidit?”shecriedashewasabouttospeak.“Whydogiantsdothings?Idon’tknow.”
“Princess,”saidCharmingremorsefully,andkissedherhand,“tellmehowIcanhelpyou.”
“Mybrother,”saidBeauty,“wastohavemetmehere.Heislateagain.”Shesighedandadded,“HeusedtobeSOpunctual.”
“ButhowcanIhelphim?”askedCharming.
“Itislikethis.TheonlywayinwhichtheenchantmentcanbetakenoffhimisforsomeonetokilltheGiant.Butifoncetheenchantmenthasstayedonforsevenyears,thenitstaysonforever.”
Hereshelookeddownandburstintotears.
“Thesevenyears,”shesobbed,“areoveratsundownthisafternoon.”
“Isee,”saidCharmingthoughtfully.
“HereISmybrother,”criedBeauty.
Anenormoustortoisecameslowlyintoview.Beautyrusheduptohimand,havingexplainedthesituationrapidly,madethenecessaryintroduction.
“Charmed,”saidtheTortoise.“Youcan’tmissthecastle;it’stheonlyonenearhere,andBlunderbusissuretobeathome.IneednottellyouhowgratefulIshallbeifyoukillhim.ThoughImustsay,”headded,“itpuzzlesmetothinkhowyouaregoingtodoit.”
“Ihaveafriendwhowillhelpme,”saidCharming,fingeringhisring.
“Well,Ionlyhopeyou’llbeluckierthantheothers.”
“Theothers?”criedCharming,insurprise.
“Yes;didn’tshetellyouabouttheotherswhohadtried?”
“Iforgotto,”saidBeauty,frowningathim.
“Ah,well,perhapsinthatcasewe’dbetternotgointoitnow,”saidtheTortoise.“ButbeforeyoustartIshouldliketotalktoyouprivatelyforamoment.”HetookCharmingononesideandwhispered,“Isay,doYOUknowanythingabouttortoises?”
“Verylittle,”saidCharming.“Infact—”
“Thenyoudon’thappentoknowwhattheyeat?”
“I’mafraidIdon’t.”
“Dashit,whydoesn’tANYBODYknow?Theothersallmadethemostridiculoussuggestions.Steakandkidneypuddings—andshrimpsandwiches—andbutteredtoast.Dearme!Thenightswehadaftertheshrimpsandwiches!Andthefoolsworehehadkepttortoisesallhislife!”
“IfImaysayso,”saidCharming,“IshouldhavethoughtthatYOUwouldhaveknownbest.”
knownbest.”
“Thesamesillyideatheyallhave,”saidtheTortoisetestily.“WhenBlunderbusputthisenchantmentonme,doyousupposehegotablackboardandapieceofchalkandgavemealectureonthedietandhabitsofthecommontortoise,beforeshowingmeoutofthefrontgate?No,hesimplyturnedmeintotheformofatortoiseandleftmymindandsoulasitwasbefore.I’vegottheanatomyofatortoise,I’vegottheverydelicateinsideofatortoise,butIdon’tTHINKlikeone,stupid.ElseIshouldn’tmindbeingone.”
“Ineverthoughtofthat.”
“Noonedoes,exceptme.AndIcanthinkofnothingelse.”Hepausedandaddedconfidentially,“We’retryingrumomelettesjustnow.SomehowIdon’tthinktortoisesREALLYlikethem.However,weshallsee.Isupposeyou’veneverheardanythingdefiniteagainstthem?”
“Youneedn’tbotheraboutthat,”saidCharmingbriskly.“Byto-nightyouwillbeamanagain.”AndhepattedhimencouraginglyontheshellandreturnedtotakeanaffectionatefarewellofthePrincess.
Assoonashewasalone,Charmingturnedtheringroundhisfinger,andthedwarfappearedbeforehim.
“Thesameasusual?”saidthedwarf,preparingtovanishattheword.Hewasjustbeginningtogetintotheswingofit.
“No,no,”saidCharminghastily.“Ireallywantyouthistime.”Hethoughtforamoment.“Iwant,”hesaidatlast,“asword.Onethatwillkillgiants.”
Instantlyagleamingswordwasathisfeet.Hepickeditupandexaminedit.
“Isthisreallyamagicsword?”
“Ithasbuttoinflictonescratch,”saidthedwarf,“andtheresultisdeath.”
Charming,whohadbeenfeelingtheblade,tookhisthumbawayhastily.
“ThenIshallwantacloakofdarkness,”hesaid.
“Behold,hereitis.Beneaththiscloakthewearerisinvisibletotheeyesofhis
“Behold,hereitis.Beneaththiscloakthewearerisinvisibletotheeyesofhisenemies.”
“Onethingmore,”saidCharming.“Apairofseven-leagueboots….Thankyou.Thatisallto-day.”
Directlythedwarfwasgone,Charmingkickedoffhisshoesandsteppedintothemagicboots;thenheseizedtheswordandthecloakanddartedoffonhislady’sbehest.Hehadbarelygoneahundredpacesbeforeasuddenideacametohim,andhepulledhimselfupshort.
“Letmesee,”hereflected;“thecastlewastenmilesaway.Theseareseven-leagueboots—sothatIhavecomeabouttwothousandmiles.Ishallhavetogoback.”Hetooksomehastystepsback,andfoundhimselfinthewoodfromwhichhehadstarted.
“Well?”saidPrincessBeauty,“haveyoukilledhim?”
“No,n-no,”stammeredCharming,“notexactlykilledhim.Iwasjust—justpractisingsomething.Thefactis,”headdedconfidentially,“I’vegotapairofnewbootson,and—”Hesawthelookofcoldsurpriseinherfaceandwentonquickly,“Iswear,Princess,thatIwillnotreturntoyouagainwithouthishead.”
Hetookaquickstepinthedirectionofthecastleandfoundhimselfsoaringoverit;turnedelevenmilesoffandsteppedbackapace;overshotitagain,andarrivedattheveryfeetofthePrincess.
“Hishead!”saidBeautyeagerly.
“I—Imusthavedroppedit,”saidCharming,hastilypretendingtofeelforit.“I’lljustgoand—”Hesteppedoffinconfusion.
Elevenmilesthewrongsideofthecastle,Charmingsatdowntothinkitout.Itwasbuttwohourstosundown.Withouthismagicbootshewouldgettothecastletoolate.Ofcourse,whathereallywantedtodowastoerectanisoscelestriangleonabaseofelevenmiles,havingtwosidesoftwenty-onemileseach.ButthiswasbeforeEuclid’stime.
However,bytakingonesteptothenorthandanothertothesouth-west,hefoundhimselfcloseenough.Ashortbutpainfulwalk,withhisbootsinhishand,broughthimtohisdestination.Hehadamoment’snaturalhesitationaboutmakingafirstcallatthecastleinhisstockingedfeet,butconsoledhimselfwith
makingafirstcallatthecastleinhisstockingedfeet,butconsoledhimselfwiththethoughtthatinlife-and-deathmattersonecannotbotheraboutlittlepointsofetiquette,andthat,anyhow,thegiantwouldnotbeabletoseehim.Then,donningthemagiccloak,andwiththemagicswordinhishand,heenteredthecastlegates.Foraninstanthisheartseemedtostopbeating,butthethoughtofthePrincessgavehimnewcourage….
TheGiantwassittinginfrontofthefire,hisgreatspikedclubbetweenhisknees.AtCharming’sentryheturnedround,gaveastartofsurprise,bentforwardeagerlyamoment,andthenleantbackchuckling.Likemostovergrownmenhewasnaturallykind-heartedandhadasimplehumour,buthecouldbestubbornwhenheliked.Theoriginalaffairofthetortoiseseemstohaveshownhimbothathisbestandathisworst.
“Whydoyouwalklikethat?”hesaidpleasantlytoCharming.“Thebabyisnotasleep.”
Charmingstoppedshort.
“Youseeme?”hecriedfuriously.
“OfcourseIdo!Really,youmustn’texpecttocomeintoahousewithoutanythingonyourfeetandnotbeaLITTLEnoticeable.EveninacrowdIshouldhavepickedyouout.”
“Thatmiserabledwarf,”saidCharmingsavagely,“sworesolemnlytomethatbeneaththiscloakIwasinvisibletotheeyesofmyenemies!”
“ButthenweAREN’Tenemies,”smiledtheGiantsweetly.“Ilikeyouimmensely.There’ssomethingaboutyou—directlyyoucamein…Ithinkitmustbeloveatfirstsight.”
“Sothat’showhetrickedme!”
“Oh,no,itwasn’treallylikethat.ThefactisyouareinvisibleBENEATHthatcloak,only—you’llexcusemypointingitout—therearesuchfunnybitsofyouthataren’tbeneaththecloak.You’venoideahowoddyoulook;justaheadandtwolegs,andacoupleofarms….Waists,”hemurmuredtohimself,“arenotbeingwornthisyear.”
ButCharminghadhadenoughoftalk.Grippinghisswordfirmly,hethrewaside
ButCharminghadhadenoughoftalk.Grippinghisswordfirmly,hethrewasidehisuselesscloak,dashedforward,andwithabeautifullungeprickedhisenemyintheankle.
“Victory!”hecried,wavinghismagicswordabovehishead.“ThusisBeauty’sbrotherdelivered!”
TheGiantstaredathimforafullminute.Thenheputhishandstohissidesandfellbackshakinginhischair.
“Herbrother!”heroared.“Well,ofallthe—HerBROTHER!”Herolledonthefloorinaparoxysmofmirth.“Herbrother!Oh,you—You’llkillme!Herb-b-b-b-brother!Herb-b-b-b—herb-b-b—herb-b—”
TheworldsuddenlyseemedverycoldtoCharming.Heturnedtheringonhisfinger.
“Well?”saidthedwarf.
“Iwant,”saidCharmingcurtly,“tobebackathome,ridingthroughthestreetsonmycreampalfrey,amidstthecheersofthepopulace….Atonce.”
…….
AnhourlaterPrincessBeautyandPrinceUdo,whowasnotherbrother,gazedintoeachother’seyes;andBeauty’slastillusionwent.
“You’vealtered,”shesaidslowly.
“Yes,I’mnotREALLYmuchlikeatortoise,”saidUdohumorously.
“Imeantsincesevenyearsago.You’remuchstouterthanIthought.”
“Timehasn’texactlystoodstillwithyou,youknow,Beauty.”
“Yetyousawmeeveryday,andwentonlovingme.”
“Well-er—”Heshuffledhisfeetandlookedaway.
“DIDN’Tyou?”
“Well,yousee—ofcourseIwantedtogetback,yousee—andaslongasyou—Imeanifwe—ifyouthoughtwewereinlovewitheachother,then,ofcourse,youwerereadytohelpme.Andso—”
“You’requiteoldandbald.Ican’tthinkwhyIdidn’tnoticeitbefore.”
“Well,youwouldn’twhenIwasatortoise,”saidUdopleasantly.“AstortoisesgoIwasreallyquiteayoungster.Besides,anyhowonenevernoticesbaldnessinatortoise.”
“Ithink,”saidBeauty,weighingherwordscarefully,“Ithinkyou’vegoneoffagooddealinlooksinthelastdayortwo.”
…….
Charmingwashomeintimefordinner;andnextmorninghewasmorepopularthanever(outsidehisfamily)asherodethroughthestreetsofthecity.ButBlunderbuslaydeadinhiscastle.YouandIknowthathewaskilledbythemagicsword;yetsomehowastrangelegendgrewuparoundhisdeath.Andeverafterwardsinthatcountry,whenonemantoldhisneighbouramorethanordinarilyhumorousanecdote,thelatterwouldcry,inbetweenthegustsofmerriment,“Don’t!You’llmakemedieoflaughter!”Andthenhewouldpullhimselftogether,andaddwithasigh—“LikeBlunderbus.”
ANODDLOT
THECOMINGOFTHECROCUS
“IT’Sabootifuldayagain,Sir,”saidmygardener,James,lookinginatthestudywindow.
“Bootiful,James,bootiful,”Isaid,asIwentonwithmywork.
“Youmightalmostsayasspringwashereatlast,like.”
“Crossyourfingersquickly,James,andtouchwood.Lookhere,I’llbeoutinaminuteandgiveyousomeorders,butI’mverybusyjustnow.”
“Thoughtprapsyou’dliketoknowthere’selevencrocusesinthefrontgarden.”
“Thensendthemaway—we’vegotnothingforthem.”
“Crocuses,”shoutedJames.
Ijumpedupeagerly,andclimbedthroughthewindow.
“Mydearman,”Isaid,shakinghimwarmlybythehand,“thisisindeedaday.Crocuses!Andinthefrontgar—onthesouthlawn!Letusgoandgazeatthem.”
Theretheywere—elevenofthem.Sixgoldenones,fourwhite,andalittlemauvechap.
“Thisisatriumphforyou,James.It’swonderful.Hasanythinglikethiseverhappenedtoyoubefore?”
“There’llbesomemoreupto-morrow,Iwon’tsayasnot.”
“Thosereallyaregrowing,arethey?Youhaven’tbeenpushingtheminfromthetop?Theywereactuallybornontheestate?”
“There’llbeafineoneinthebackbedsoon,”saidJamesproudly.
“Intheback—mydearJames!Inthesparebedonthenorth-eastterrace,Isupposeyoumean.AndwhathaveweintheDutchOrnamentalGarden?”
“IfIhastolookafterornamentalgardensandsouthaspicsandall,Ioughttohavemysalaryraised,”saidJames,stillharpingonhisonegrievance.
“Byallmeansraisesomecelery,”Isaidcoldly.
“Takeaspadeandraisesomeforlunch.Ishallbeonlytoodelighted.”
“Thishereisn’ttheseasonforcelery,asyouknowwell.Thishere’stheseasonforcrocuses,asanyonecanseeiftheyusetheireyes.”
“James,you’reright.Forgiveme.Itisnodayforquarrelling.”
Itwasnodayforworkingeither.Thesunshoneupontheclose-croppedgreenofthedeerpark,theskywasblueabovetherosegarden,inthetapiocagroveathrushwassinging.Iwalkedupanddownmyestateanddrankinthegoodfreshair.
“James!”Icalledtomyheadgardener.
“Whatisitnow?”hegrumbled.
“AretherenodaffodilstotakethewindsofMarchwithbeauty?”
“There’stheseelevencroc—”
“Butthereshouldbedaffodilstoo.IsnotthisMarch?”
“ItmaybeMarch,but‘tisn’tthetimefordaffodils—notonthreeshillingsaweek.”
“Doyouonlygetthreeshillingsaweek?Ithoughtitwasthreeshillingsanhour.”
“Likelyanhour!”
“Ahwell,Iknewitwasthreeshillings.Doyouknow,James,intheScillyIslandstherearefieldsandfieldsandfieldsofnoddingdaffodilsoutnow.”
“Lor’!”saidJames.
“Lor’!”saidJames.
“Didyousay‘lor”or‘liar’?”Iaskedsuspiciously.
“Tothinkofthatnow,”saidJamescautiously.
Hewanderedofftothetapiocagrove,leantagainstitinthoughtforamoment,andcamebacktome.
“What’swrongwiththislittlebitofgarden—thisherepark,”hebegan,“isthesoil.It’snosoilfordaffodils.Nowwhatdaffodilslikeisclay.”
“ThenforHeaven’ssakegetthemsomeclay.Sparenoexpense.Getthemanythingtheyfancy.”
“It’stooalloovial—that’swhat’sthematter.Tooalloovial.Now,crocuseslikeabitofalloovial.That’swhereyouhaveit.”
ThematterwithJamesisthathehasn’tenoughworktodo.Therestofthestaffissobusilyemployedthatitishardlyevervisible.William,forinstance,isoccupiedentirelywithwhatImightcallthepoultry;itishisduty,infact,toseethattherearealwaysenoughants’eggsforthegoldfish.AlltheseprizeLeghornsyouhearaboutarethemerestnovicescomparedwithWilliam’sprotegees.ThenJohnlooksafterthestaggery;Henryworksthecolouredfountain;andPeterpaintsthepeacocks’tails.Thiskeepsthemallbusy,butJamesisforeverhangingabout.
“Almostseemsasiftheywereyooman,”hesaid,aswestoodandlistenedtotherooks.
“Oh,areyouthere,James?It’sabeautifulday.Whosaidthatfirst?Ibelieveyoudid.”
“Themthererooksalwaysmakeaplaceseemsohome-like.Rooksandcrocuses,Isay—andyoudon’twantanythingmore.”
“Yes;well,iftherookswanttobuildintheraspberrycanesthisyear,letthem,James.Don’tbeinhospitable.”
“Course,somedoliketoseeprimroses,Idon’tsay.But—”
“Primroses—Iknewtherewassomething.Wherearethey?”
“Primroses—Iknewtherewassomething.Wherearethey?”
“It’stooearlyforthem,”saidJameshastily.“Youwon’tgetprimrosesnowbeforeApril.”
“Don’tsay‘now,’asifitweremyfault.Whydidn’tyouplantthemearlier?Idon’tbelieveyouknowanyofthetricksofyourprofession,James.Youneverseemtograftanythingorpruneanything,andI’msureyoudon’tknowhowtocutaslip.James,whydon’tyouprunemore?Prunenow—Ishouldliketowatchyou.Where’syourpruning-hook?Youcan’tpossiblydoitwitharake.”
Jamesspendsmostofhisdaywitharake—sometimesleaningonit,sometimesworkingwithit.Thebedsarealwaysbeautifullykept.Onlythemosthardyannualwoulddaretopokeitsheadupandspoilthesmoothappearanceofthesoil.Forthosewholikecirclesandrectanglesofunrelievedbrown,Jamesisundoubtedlytheman.
AsIstoodinthesunIhadabrilliantidea.
“James,”Isaid,“we’llcutthecroquetlawnthisafternoon.”
“Youcan’tplaycroquetto-day,it’snotwarmenough.”
“Idon’tpayyoutoargue,buttoobey.AtthesametimeIshouldliketopointoutthatIneversaidIwasgoingtoplaycroquet.Isaidthatwe,meaningyou,wouldcutthelawn.”
“What’sthegoodofthat?”
“Why,toencouragethewonderfulday,ofcourse.Whereisyourgratitude,man?Don’tyouwanttodosomethingtohelp?Howcanweletadaylikethisgopastwithoutsomewordofwelcome?Outwiththemower,andletushailthepassingofwinter.”
Jameslookedatmeindisgust.
“Gratitude!”hesaidindignantlytoHeaven.“Andthere’smyelevencrocusesinthefrontallasingingtogetherlikeanythingonthreebobaweek!”
THEORDEALBYFIRE
OurFlame-flower,theFamilyFlame-flower,isnowplainlyestablishedinthenorth-eastcornerofthepergola,andflourishesexceedingly.There,orthereabouts,itwillremainthroughthegenerationstocome—acascadeofglorytotheeye,afountainofpridetothesoul.“Ourfathers’fathers,”theunbornwillsayofus,“performedthisthing;theytoiledandsufferedthatwemightfronttheworldwithconfidence—afamilysecureintheknowledgethatithasbeentriedbyfireandnotfoundwanting….”
TheAtherley’sflame-flower,Iamgladtoinformyou,isdead.
…….
Westartedtheworkfiveyearsago.Iwasyoungandignorantthen—Ididnotunderstand.Onedaytheyledmetoanoldappletreeandshowedme,fencedinatitsfoot,twotwigsandahintofleaf.“Theflame-flower!”theysaid,withaweintheirvoices.Iwasveryyoung;IsaidthatIdidn’tthinkmuchofit.Itwasfromthatmomentthatmyeducationbegan….
Everybodywhocametoseeushadtobeshowntheflame-flower.Visitorswereconductedtotheappletreeinsolemnprocession,andpresented.Theypeeredoverthefenceandsaid,“A-ah!”justasiftheyknewallaboutit.Perhapssomeofthemdid.Perhapssomeofthemhadtriedtogrowitintheirowngardens.
AsNovembercameonandtheairgrewcold,thequestionwhethertheflame-flowershouldwinterabroadbecameinsistent.Aftermuchthoughtitwasmovedtotheshrubberyonthesouthernsideofthehouse,whereitleantagainstalaburnumuntilApril.Withthespringitreturnedhome,seeminglystrongerforthechange;butthethoughtofwinterwastoomuchforit,andinOctoberitwasorderedsouthagain.
Forthenextthreeyearsitwasconstantlytryingdifferentclimatesandtesting
Forthenextthreeyearsitwasconstantlytryingdifferentclimatesandtestingvariousdiets.Thoughitwastouchandgowithitallthistimeourfaithwasstrong,ourcourageunshaken.June,1908,founditinthegravel-pit.Itseemedouronlyhope….
AndintheAugustofthatyearIwentandstayedwiththeAtherleys.
……
OnemorningatbreakfastIchallengedMissAtherleytoanimmediategameoftennis.
“Notdirectlyafter,”saidMrsAtherley,“it’ssobadforyou.Besides,wemustjustplantourflame-flowerfirst.”
Idroppedmyknifeandforkandgazedatheropen-mouthed.
“Plantyour—WHAT?”Imanagedtosayatlast.
“Flame-flower.Doyouknowit?Johnbroughtonedownlastnight—itlookssoprettygrowingupanything.”
“Itwon’ttakeamoment,”saidMissAtherley,“andthenI’llbeatyou.”
“But—butyoumustn’t—you—youmustn’ttalklikeTHATaboutit,”Istammered.”Th-that’snotthewaytotalkaboutaflame-flower.”
“Why,what’swrong?”
“You’rejustgoingtoplantit!Beforeyouplaytennis!Itisn’ta—aBUTTERCUP!Youcan’tdoitlikethat.”
“Oh,butdogiveusanyhints—weshallbeonlytoograteful.”
“Hints!Justgoingtoplantit!”Irepeated,gettingmoreandmoreindignant.“I—IsupposeSirChristopherWrens-saidtohiswifeatbreakfastonemorning,‘I’vejustgottodesignStPaul’sCathedral,dear,andthenI’llcomeandplaytenniswithyou.Ifyoucangivemeanyhints—’”
withyou.Ifyoucangivemeanyhints—’”
“Isitreallysodifficult?”askedMrsAtherley.“We’veseenlotsofitinScotland.”
“InScotland,yes.NotintheSouthofEngland.”Ipaused,andthenadded,“WEhaveone.”
“Whatsoilisyours?Doyouplantitverydeep?Dotheylikealotofwater?”Theseandothertechnicalpointswereputtomeatonce.
“Thosearemeredetailsofhorticulture,”Isaid.“WhatIamprotestingagainstisthewholespiritinwhichyouapproachthebusiness—thelight-heartedwayinwhichyouassumethatyoucansupportaflame-flower.Youhavetobeaverysuperiorfamilyindeedtohaveaflame-flowergrowinginyourgarden.”
Theylaughed.TheythoughtIwasjoking.
“Well,we’regoingtoplantitnow,anyhow,”saidMissAtherley.“Comealongandhelpus.”
Wewentout,sixofus,MrsAtherleycarryingthepreciousthing;andwegatheredroundanoldtreetrunkinfrontofthehouse.
“Itwouldlookratherprettyhere,”saidMrsAtherley.“Don’tyouthink?”
Igaveagreatgroan.
“You—you—you’reallwrongagain,”Isaidindespair.“Youdon’tputaflame-flowerinaplacewhereyouthinkitwilllookpretty;youtryinallhumilitytofindafavouredspotwhereitwillbepleasedtogrow.Theremaybesuchaspotinyourgardenortheremaynot.UntilIknowyoubetterIcannotsay.Butitisextremelyunlikelytobehere,rightinfrontofthewindow.”
Theylaughedagain,andbegantodiguptheground.Iturnedmybackinhorror;Icouldnotwatch.Andatthelastmomentsomequalmsofdoubtseizedeventhem.Theyspoketomealmosthumbly.
“HowwouldYOUplantit?”theyasked.
Itwasmylastchanceofmakingthemrealizetheirresponsibility.
“Icannotsayatthismoment,”Ibegan,“exactlyhowtheceremonyshouldbeperformed,butIshouldendeavourtothinkofsomethinginkeepingwiththesolemnityoftheoccasion.ItmaybethatMrsAtherleyandIwouldtaketheflowerandmarchinprocessionroundthefountain,singingasuitablechant,whileBobandArchiewithshavenheadsprostratedthemselvesbeforethesundial.MissAtherleymightpossiblydancetheFiredanceupontheeastlawn,whileMrAtherleystoodupononefootinthemiddleoftheherbaceousborderandplayeduponherwiththegardenhose.Theseorothersymbolicritesweshouldperform,beforeweplanteditinaplacechosenbyChance.Thenleavingasaucerofnewmilkforitlestitshouldthirstinthenightwewouldgoaway,andspendtherestoftheweekinmeditation.”
Ipausedforbreath.
“Thatmightdoit,”Iadded,“oritmightnot.Butatleastthatisthesortofspiritthatyouwanttoshow.”
Oncemoretheylaughed…andthentheyplantedit.
……..
Thesehavebeentwodifficultyearsforme.TherehavebeentimeswhenIhavealmostlostfaith,andnoteventhegloriesofourownflame-flowercouldcheerme.Butatlastthenewscame.Iwasathomefortheweek-endand,afterratheratiringdayshowingvisitorsthenorth-eastendofthepergola,Iwentindoorsforarest.Onthetabletherewasaletterforme.ItwasfromMrsAtherley.
“BYTHEWAY,”shewrote,“THEFLAME-FLOWERISDEAD.”
“Bytheway”!
Buteveniftheyhadtakenthebusinessseriously,eveniftheyhadunderstoodfullywhatagreatthingitwastheywereattempting—eventhenIthinktheywouldhavefailed.
For,thoughIliketheAtherleysverymuch,thoughIthinkthemallextremelyjolly…yet—Idoubt,youknow,iftheyareQUITEthefamilytohaveaflame-
jolly…yet—Idoubt,youknow,iftheyareQUITEthefamilytohaveaflame-flowergrowingintheirgarden.
THELUCKYMONTH
“KNOWthyself,”saidtheoldGreekmotto.(InGreek—butthisisanEnglishbook.)SoIboughtalittleredvolumecalled,terselyenough,WEREYOUBORNINJANUARY?Iwas;and,reassuredonthispoint,theauthortoldmeallaboutmyself.
Forthemostparthetoldmenothingnew.“Youare,”hesaidineffect,“good-tempered,courageous,ambitious,loyal,quicktoresentwrong,anexcellentraconteur,andaleaderofmen.”True.“Generoustoafault”—(Yes,Iwasoverdoingthatrather)—“youhaveareadysympathywiththedistressed.Peopleborninthismonthwillalwayskeeptheirpromises.”Andsoon.Therewasnodoubtthattheauthorhadtheideaallright.Evenwhenhewentontowarnmeofmyweaknesseshemaintainedthecorrectnote.“PeopleborninJanuary,”hesaid,“mustbeontheirguardagainstworkingtoostrenuously.Theirextraordinarilyactivebrains—”Well,youseewhathemeans.ItISafaultperhaps,andIshallbemorecarefulinfuture.Mind,Idonottakeoffencewithhimforcallingmyattentiontoit.Infact,myonlyobjectiontothebookisitssurfaceapplicationtoALLthepeoplewhowereborninJanuary.Thereshouldhavebeenmoredistinctionmadebetweenmeandtherabble.
Ihavesaidthathetoldmelittlethatwasnew.Inonematter,however,hedidopenmyeyes.Heintroducedmetoanaspectofmyselfentirelyunsuspected.
“They,”hesaid-meaningme,“haveunusualbusinesscapacity,andaredestinedtobeleadersingreatcommericalenterprises.”
Onegetsattimestheseflashesofself-revelation.InaninstantIrealizedhowwastedmylifehadbeen;inaninstantIresolvedthathereandnowIwouldputmygreatgiftstotheirproperuses.Iwouldbealeaderinanimmensecommercialenterprise.
Onecannotstartcommercialenterpriseswithoutcapital.Thefirstthingwastodeterminetheexactnatureofmybalanceatthebank.Thiswasamatterforthebanktoarrange,andIdrovethererapidly.
“Good-morning,”Isaidtothecashier,“Iaminratherahurry.MayIhavemypass-book?”
Heassentedandretired.Afteraninterminablewait,duringwhichmanypsychologicalmomentsforcommercialenterprisemusthavelapsed,hereturned.
“IthinkYOUhaveit,”hesaidshortly.
“Thankyou,”Ireplied,anddroverapidlyhomeagain.
Alengthysearchfollowed;butafteranhourofitoneofthosewhite-hotflashesofthought,suchasonlyoccurtothenaturalbusinessgenius,searedmymindandsentmepost-hastetothebankagain.
“Afterall,”Isaidtothecashier,“Ionlywanttoknowmybalance.Whatisit?”
Hewithdrewandgavehimselfuptocalculation.Ipacedthefloorimpatiently.Opportunitieswereslippingby.Atlasthepushedaslipofpaperacrossatme.Mybalance!
Itwasinfourfigures.Unfortunatelytwoofthemwereshillingsandpence.Still,therewasamatteroffiftypoundsoddaswell,andfortuneshavebeenbuiltuponless.
OutinthestreetIhadamoment’spause.HithertoIhadregardedmycommercialenterpriseinthebulk,asafinishedmonumentofindustry;thelittlenigglingpreliminarydetailshadnotcomeupforconsideration.JustforasecondIwonderedhowtobegin.
Onlyforasecond.Anunsuspectedtalentwhichhaslonglaindormantneeds,whenwaked,asecondorsototurnroundin.AttheendofthattimeIhadmadeupmymind.IknewexactlywhatIwoulddo.Iwouldringupmysolicitor.
“Hallo,isthatyou?Yes,thisisme.What?Yes,awfully,thanks.Howareyou?Good.Lookhere,comeandlunchwithme.What?No,atonce.Good-bye.”
Business,particularlythatsortofcommercialenterprisetowhichIhadnowdecidedtolendmygenius,canonlybediscussedproperlyoveracigar.DuringthemealitselfmysolicitorandIindulgedintheordinarysmall-talkofthepleasure-lovingworld.
“You’relookingveryfit,”saidmysolicitor.“No,notfat,FIT.”
“Youdon’tthinkI’mlookingthin?”Iaskedanxiously.“Peoplearewarningme
“Youdon’tthinkI’mlookingthin?”Iaskedanxiously.“PeoplearewarningmethatImaybeoverdoingitrather.TheytellmethatImustbeseriouslyonmyguardagainstbrainstrain.”
“Isupposetheythinkyououghtn’ttostrainittoosuddenly,”saidmysolicitor.Thoughheisnowasolicitorhewasoncejustanordinaryboyliketherestofus,anditwasinthosedaysthatheacquiredthehabitofbeingrudetome,ahabithehasneverquiteforgotten.
“Whatisanonyx?”Isaid,changingtheconversation.
“Why?”askedmysolicitor,withhisusualbusinessacumen.
“Well,IwaspracticallycertainthatIhadseenoneintheZoo,inthereptilehouse,butIhavejustlearntthatitismyluckymonthstone.NaturallyIwanttogetone.”
Thecoffeecameandwesettleddowntocommerce.
“Iwasjustgoingtoaskyou,”saidmysolicitor—“haveyouanymoneylyingidleatthebank?Becauseifso—”
“Whateverelseitisdoing,itisn’tlyingidle,”Iprotested.“Iwasatthebankto-day,andthereweremenchivyingitaboutwithshovelsallthetime.”
“Well,howmuchhaveyougot?”
“Aboutfiftypounds.”
“Itoughttobemorethanthat.”
“That’swhatIsay,butyouknowwhatbanksare.Actualmeritcountsfornothingwiththem.”
“Well,whatdidyouwanttodowithit?”
“Exactly.ThatwaswhyIrangyouup.I—er—”Thiswasreallymymoment,butsomehowIwasnotquitereadytoseizeit.Myvastcommercialenterprisestilllackedafewtriflingdetails.“Er—I—well,it’slikethat.”
“Imightgetyouafewgroundrents.”
“Don’t.Ishouldn’tknowwheretoputthem.”
“ButifyoureallyhavefiftypoundssimplylyingidleIwishyou’dlendittomeforabit.I’mconfoundedlyhardup.”
(“GENEROUSTOAFAULT,YOUHAVEAREADYSYMPATHYWITHTHEDISTRESSED.”Dashit,whatcouldIdo?)
“Isitquiteetiquetteforclientstolendsolicitorsmoney?”Iasked.“Ithoughtitwasalwayssolicitorswhohadtolendittoclients.IfImust,I’dratherlendittoyou—Imean,I’ddislikeitless—astotheoldfriendofmychildhood.”
“Yes,that’showIwantedtopayitback.”
“Bother.ThenI’llsendyouachequeto-night,”Isighed.
Andthat’swhereweareatthemoment.“PEOPLEBORNINTHISMONTHALWAYSKEEPTHEIRPROMISES.”Themoneyhasgottogoto-night.IfIhadn’tbeenborninJanuaryIshouldn’tbesendingit;Icertainlyshouldn’thavepromisedit;Ishouldn’tevenhaveknownthatIhadit.SometimesIalmostwishthatIhadbeenborninoneofthedecentmonths.March,say.
ASUMMERCOLD
WHENIamnotfeelingverywellIgotoBeatriceforsympathyandadvice.AnyhowIgettheadvice.
“Ithink,”Isaidcarelessly,wishingtobreakittoherasgentlyaspossible,“IthinkIhavehay-fever.”
“Nonsense,”saidBeatrice.
Thatannoyedme.Whyshouldn’tIhavehay-feverifIwantedto?
“Ifyou’regoingtobegrudgemeeverylittlething,”Ibegan.
“Youhaven’tevengotacold.”
Asluckwouldhaveitasneezechosethatmomentforitsarrival.
“There!”Isaidtriumphantly.
“Why,mydearboy,ifyouhadhay-feveryou’dbesneezingallday.”
“Thatwasonlyasample.Therearelotsmorewherethatcamefrom.”
“Don’tbesosilly.Fancystartinghay-feverinSeptember.”
“I’mnotstartingit.Iam,Iearnestlyhope,justfinishingit.Ifyouwanttoknow,I’vehadacoldallthesummer.”
“Well,Ihaven’tnoticedit.”
“That’sbecauseI’msuchagoodactor.I’vebeenplayingthepartofamanwhohasn’thadacoldallthesummer.Myperformanceisconsideredtobemostlife-like.”
Beatricedisdainedtoanswer,andbyandbyIsneezedagain.
“Youcertainlyhaveacold,”shesaid,puttingdownherwork.
“Youcertainlyhaveacold,”shesaid,puttingdownherwork.
“Come,thisissomething.”
“Youmustbecareful.Howdidyoucatchit?”
“Ididn’tcatchit.Itcaughtme.”
“Lastweek-end?”
“No,lastMay.”
Beatricepickedupherworkagainimpatiently.Isneezedathirdtime.
“Isthismorethesortofthingyouwant?”Isaid.
“WhatIsayisthatyoucouldn’thavehadhay-feverallthesummerwithoutpeopleknowing.”
“But,mydearBeatrice,peopledoknow.Inthisquietlittlesuburbyouareratheroutofthewayofthebusyworld.Rumoursofwar,depressionsontheStockExchange,myhay-fever—thesethingspassyouby.Buttheclubsarefullofit.Iassureyouthat,alloverthecountry,England’sstatelyhomeshavebeenplungedintomourningbythenewsofmysufferings,historicpileshavebowedtheirheadsandwept.”
“Isupposeyoumeanthatineveryhouseyou’vebeentothissummeryou’vetoldthemthatyouhadit,andthey’vebeenfoolishenoughtobelieveyou.”
“That’sputtingitalittlecrudely.Whathappensis—”
“Well,allIcansayis,youknowaverysillylotofpeople.”
“Whathappensisthatwhenthemahoganyhasbeenclearedofitspolishedsilverandchoicenapery,andwineofarareoldvintageiscirculatingfromhandtohand—”
“Iftheywantedtotakeanynoticeofyouatall,theycouldhavegivenyouabreadpoulticeandsentyoutobed.”
“Then,asweimpatientlybitetheendsoffourpricelessHavanas—”
“Theymightknowthatyoucouldn’tpossiblyhavehay-fever.”
IsatupsuddenlyandspoketoBeatrice.
“WhyonearthSHOULDN’TIhavehay-fever?”Idemanded.“Haveyouanyideawhathay-feveris?IsupposeyouthinkIoughttoberunningaboutwildly,tryingtoeathay—oryappingandshowinganunaccountableaversionfromdriedgrass?Itakeitthattherearegradesofhay-fever,asthereareofeverythingelse.Ihaveitatpresentinamildform.Insteadofbeingthankfulthatitisnoworse,you—”
“Mydearboy,hay-feverisathingpeoplehavealltheirlives,anditcomesoneverysummer.You’veneverevenpretendedtohaveitbeforethisyear.”
“Yes,butyoumuststartSOMEtime.I’malittlebackward,perhaps.Justbecausethereareafewinfantprodigiesabout,don’tdespiseme.InayearortwoIshallbeasregularastherestofthem.”AndIsneezedagain.
Beatricegotupwithanairofdecisionandlefttheroom.ForamomentIthoughtshewasangryandhadgoneforapoliceman,butastheminuteswentbyandshedidn’treturnIbegantofearthatshemighthaveleftthehouseforgood.IwaswonderinghowIshouldbreakthenewstoherhusbandwhen,tomyrelief,shecameinagain.
“Youmayberight,”shesaid,puttingdownasmallpackageandunpinningherhat.“Trythis.Thechemistsaysit’sthebesthay-fevercurethereis.”
“It’sinalotoflanguages,”IsaidasItookthewrapperoff.“IsupposeGermanhayisthesameasanyothersortofhay?Oh,hereitisinEnglish.Isay,thisisawhat-d’-you-call-itcure.”
“Sothemansaid.”
“Homeopathic.It’smadefromthepollenthatcauseshay-fever.Yes.Ah,yes.”IcoughedslightlyandlookedatBeatriceoutofthecornerofmyeye.“Isuppose,”Isaidcarelessly,“ifanybodytookthiswhoHADN’Tgothay-fever,theresultsmightberather—Imeanthathemightthenfindthathe-infact,er—HADgotit.”
“Sureto,”saidBeatrice.
“Yes.Thatmakesusalittlethoughtful;wedon’twanttoover-dothisthing.”I
“Yes.Thatmakesusalittlethoughtful;wedon’twanttoover-dothisthing.”Iwentonreadingtheinstructions.“Youknow,it’sratheroddaboutmyhay-fever—it’sgenerallyworseintownthaninthecountry.”
“Butthenyoustartedsolate,dear.Youhaven’treallygotintotheswingofityet.”
“Yes,butstill—youknow,Ihavemydoubtsaboutthegentlemanwhoinventedthis.Wedon’tseeeyetoeyeinthismatter.Beatrice,youmayberight—perhapsIhaven’tgothay-fever.”
“Oh,don’tgiveup.”
“ButallthesameIknowI’vegotsomething.It’safunnythingaboutmybeingworseintownthaninthecountry.Thatlooksratherasif—ByJove,Iknowwhatitis—I’vegotjusttheoppositeofhay-fever.”
“Whatistheoppositeofhay?”
“Why,bricksandthings.”
Igavealastsneezeandbegantowrapupthecure.
“Takethispollenstuffback,”IsaidtoBeatrice,“andaskthemanifhe’sgotanythinghomoeopathicmadefrompaving-stones.Because,youknow,that’swhatIreallywant.”
“YouHAVEgotacold,”saidBeatrice.
AMODERNCINDERELLA
ONCEuponatimetherewasabeautifulgirlwholivedinamansioninParkLanewithhermotherandhertwosistersandacrowdofservants.Cinderella,forthatwashername,wouldhavedearlylovedtohaveemployedherselfaboutthehousesometimes;butwhenevershedidanythinguseful,likearrangingtheflowersorgivingthepugabath,hermotherusedtosay,“Cinderella!WhatDOyouthinkIengageservantsfor?Pleasedon’tmakeyourselfsocommon.”
Cinderella’stwosistersweremucholderandplainerthanherself,andtheirmotherhadalmostgivenuphopeaboutthem,butsheusedtodragCinderellatoballsanddancesnightafternight,takingcarethatonlytherightsortofpersonwasintroducedtoher.ThereweremanynightswhenCinderellawouldhavepreferredabookathomeinfrontofthefire,forshesoonfoundthatherpartners’ideasofwaltzingwereascatholicastheirconversationwaslimited.Itwas,indeed,thisfondnessfortheinglenookthathadearnedherthenameofCinderella.
Oneday,whenshewasinthemiddleofadelightfulstory,hermothercameinsuddenlyandcried:
“Cinderella!Whyaren’tyouresting,asItoldyou?YouknowwearegoingtotheHogbins’to-night.”
“Oh,mother,”pleadedCinderella,“NEEDIgotothedance?”
“Don’tbesoabsurd!Ofcourseyou’regoing!”
“ButI’vegotnothingtowear.”
“I’vetoldJenningswhatyou’retowear.Nowgoandliedown.Iwantyoutolookyourbestto-night,becauseIhearthatyoungMrHogbinisbackagainfromAustralia.”YoungMrHogbinwasnottheKing’sson;hewasthesonofawealthygelatinemanufacturer.
“ThenmayIcomeawayattwelve?”beggedCinderella.
“You’llcomeawaywhenItellyou.”
Cinderellamadeafaceandwentupstairs.“Oh,dear,”shethoughttoherself,“IwishIwereasoldasmytwosisters,andcoulddowhatIliked.I’msureifmygodmotherwerehereshewouldgetmeoffgoing.”But,alas!hergodmotherlivedatLeamington,andCinderella,afteraweekatLeamington,hadleftherthereonlyyesterday.
Cinderellaindeedlookedbeautifulastheystartedfortheball;buthermother,whoheldareviewofherinthedrawing-room,wasnotquitesatisfied.
“Cinderella!”shesaid.“YouknowIsaidyouweretowearthesilverslippers!”
“Oh,mother,theyAREsotight,”pleadedCinderella.“Don’tyourememberItoldyouatthetimetheyweremuchtoosmallforme?”
“Nonsense.Goandputthemonatonce.”
ThedancewasinfullswingwhenCinderellaarrived.Althoughherlovelyappearancecausedseveralofthegueststolookather,theydidnotaskeachothereagerlywhoshewas,formostofthemknewheralreadyasMissPartington-Smith.Abrewer’ssonledherofftodance.
Thenightworeonslowly.OneyoungmanafteranothertrodonCinderella’stoes,trottedincirclesroundher,ranherviolentlybackwardsintosomeotherman,orswoopedwithherintothefireplace.Cinderella,whosefeetseemedmechanicallytoadaptthemselvestotheinterpretationoftheBostonthatwasforminginherpartner’sbrain,boreitfromeachoneaslongasshecould;andthenledthewaytoaquietcorner,wheresheconfessedfranklythatshehadNOTboughtallherChristmaspresentsyet,andthatsheWASgoingtoSwitzerlandforthewinter.
Thegelatinemanufacturer’ssontookherintosupper.ItwasnoticedthatCinderellalookedmuchhappierassoonastheyhadsatdown,andindeedthroughoutthemealshewasinthehighestspirits.ForsomereasonorothersheseemedtofindevenMrHogbinendurable.Butjustastheywereabouttoreturntotheball-roomanexpressionofabsolutedismaycameoverherface.
“Anythingthematter?”saidherpartner.
“N—no,”saidCinderella;butshemadenoefforttomove.
“Well,shallwecome?”
“Well,shallwecome?”
“Y—yes.”
Shewaitedamomentlonger,droppedherfanunderthetable,pickeditupslowly,andfollowedhimout.
“Let’ssitdownhere,”shesaidinthehall;“notupstairs.”
Theysatinsilence;forhehadexhaustedhisstockofquestionsattheendoftheirfirstdance,andhadtoldherallaboutAustraliaduringsupper;whilesheapparentlyhadnodesireforconversationofanykind,beingwrappedupinherthoughts.
“I’llwaithere,”shesaid,asadancebegan.“Ifyouseemother,Iwishyou’dsendhertome.”
Hermothercameupeagerly.
“Well,dear?”shesaid.
“Mother,”saidCinderella,“dotakemehomeatonce.Somethingextraordinaryhashappened.”
“It’syoungMrHogbin!Iknewit!”
“Who?Oh—er—yes,ofcourse.I’lltellyouallaboutitinthecarriage,mother.”
“Ismylittlegirlgoingtobehappy?”
“Idon’tknow,”saidCinderellaanxiously.“There’sjustachance.”
Thechancemusthavecomeoff,for,onceinthecarriage,Cinderellagaveadeepsighofhappiness.
“Well,dear?”saidhermotheragain.
“You’llNEVERguess,mother,”laughedCinderella.“Try.”
“Iguessthatmylittledaughterthinksofrunningawayfromme,”saidhermotherarchly.“AmIright?”
“Oh,howlovely!Why,runningawayissimplytheLASTthingIcoulddo.Look!”Shestretchedoutherfoot-clothedonlyinapalebluestocking.
“Cinderella!”
“ITOLDyoutheyweretootight,”sheexplainedrapidly,“andIwastroddenonbyeverymanintheplace,andIsimplyHADtokickthemoffatsupper,and—andIonlygotoneback.Idon’tknowwhathappenedtotheother;Isupposeitgotpushedalongsomewhere,but,anyhow,Iwasn’tgoingunderthetableafterit.”Shelaughedsuddenlyandsoftlytoherself.“Iwonderwhatthey’lldowhentheyfindtheslipper?”shesaid.
……..
OfcoursetheKing’sson(oranyhow,MrHogbin)oughttohavesentitroundtoalltheladiesinMayfair,takingknightlyoathtomarryherwhomitfitted.Butwhatactuallyhappenedwasthatafootmanfoundit,and,beingverysentimentalandknowingthatnobodywouldeverdaretoclaimit,carrieditaboutwithhimeverafterwards—therebygainingagreatreputationwithhiscroniesasanut.
Oh,andbytheway—Ioughttoputinagoodwordforthegodmother.Shedidherbest.
“Cinderella!”saidhermotheratlunchnextday,asshelookedupfromherletters.“Whydidn’tyoutellmeyourgodmotherwasill?”
“Shewasn’tverywellwhenIlefther,butIdidn’tthinkitwasanythingmuch.Isshebad?IAMsorry.”
“Shewritesthatshehasobtainedmeasles.IsupposethatmeansYOU’REinfectious.Really,it’sveryinconvenient.Well,I’mgladwedidn’tknowyesterdayoryoucouldn’thavegonetothedance.”
“Dearfairygodmother!”saidCinderellatoherself.“Shewasadaytoolate,buthowsweetofhertothinkofitatall!”
ALITERARYLIGHT
ANNESLEYBUPPwasbornoneoftheBuppsofHampshire—theFightingBupps,astheywerecalled.Asuddendeathinthefamilylefthimdestituteattheearlyageofthirty,andhedecidedtotakeseriouslytojournalismforaliving.Thatwastwelveyearsago.HeisnowamemberoftheAuthors’Club;apopularafter-dinnerspeakerinreplytothetoastofLiterature;andoneofthebest-paidwritersinFleetStreet.Who’sWhotellstheworldthathehasaflatatKnightsbridgeandacottageontheriver.Ifyouaskhimtowhatheoweshissuccesshewillassureyou,withtheconsciousmodestyofallgreatmen,thathehasbeenlucky;pressedfurther,thatHardWorkandMethodhavebeenhiswatchwords.Buttotheyoungaspirantheaddsthatofcourseifyouhaveitinyouitisboundtocomeout.
I
WhenAnnesleystartedjournalismherealizedatoncethatitwasnecessaryforhimtospecializeinsomesubject.Ofsuchsubjectstwooccurredtohim—“GeorgeHerbert”and“Trams.”Foratimehehesitated,anditwasonlythesuddenpublicationofabriefbutauthoritativelifeofthepoetwhichledhimfinallytothestudyofoneoftheleastexploredofourtransitsystems.Meanwhilehehadtosupporthimself.Forthispurposeheboughtaroll-topdesk,atypewriter,andanalmanac;heplacedthealmanacontopofthedesk,seatedhimselfatthetypewriter,andbegan.
ItwasthemonthofFebruary;thealmanactoldhimthatitwantedaweektoShroveTuesday.Infourdayshehadwrittenasmanyarticles,entitledrespectivelyShrovetideCustoms,ThePancake,LentenObservances,andTuesdaysKnowntoFame.ThePancake,givingasitdidthecontextofeveryreferenceinliteraturetopancakes,wasthemostscholarlyofthefour;theTuesdayarticle,whichhazardedtheopinionthatRomemayatleasthavebeenbegunonaTuesday,themostdaring.Butallofthemwerepublished.
ThisearlysuccessshowedAnnesleythepossibilitiesofthetopicalarticle;itledhimalsotoconstructarevisedcalendarforhisownuse.Inthe“BuppAlmanac”theeventsofthedaywereputbackafortnight;sothat,iftheFeastofStSimonandStJudefelluponthe17th,Annesley’sattentionwascalledtoituponthe3rd,anduponthe3rdhesurveyedtheFamousPartnershipsoftheepoch.Similarly,TheOriginofLordMayor’sDaywasputinhandonOctober26th.
Hedidnot,however,onlyglorifythepast;currenteventsclaimedtheirmeedofcopy.InthedaysofhisdependenceAnnesleyhadtravelled,sothathecouldwellprovidethelocalcolourforsuchsketchesasKimberleyasIKnewIt(1901)andBirminghambyMoonlight(1903).HisRecollectionsofStPeter’satRomewerehazy,yetsufficienttofurnishanarticlewiththattitleatthetimeoftheCoronation.ButImustconfessthatDashesforthePolecameentirelyfromhisinvaluableEncyclopaedia….
II
AnnesleyBupphaddevotedhimselftoliteraturefortwoyearsbeforehisfirstarticleontramswaswritten.ThiswascalledVoltage,washighlytechnical,andconvincedeveryeditortowhomitwassent(andbywhomitwasreturned)thattheauthorknewhissubjectthoroughly.SowhenhefolloweditupwithHowtobeaTramConductor,hehadthesatisfactionnotonlyofseeingitinprintwithinaweek,butofreadinganeditorialreferencetohimselfas“thenotedexpertonouroverheadsystem.”Twootherarticlesinthesamepaper—SomeCuriousTramAccidentsandTramorBus:Which?—establishedhisposition.
Oncerecognizedastheauthorityontrams,Buppwasneveratalossforasubject.Inthefirstplacetherewerecertainarticles,suchasTramwaysin1904,ProgressofTramwayConstructioninthePastYear,TramwayInventionsoftheLastTwelvemonth,andTheTram:ItsFuturein1905,whichflowedannuallyfromhispen.Fromtimetotimetherewouldarisetheoccasionforthetopicalarticleontrams—TramsasArmyTransportsandHowourTramsfaredduringtheRecentSnow,togivetwoobviousexamples.AndalwaystherewasamarketforsuchstaplearticlesasTramsinFiction….
III
Youwillunderstand,then,thatbytheendof1906AnnesleyBupphadareputation;tobeexact,hehadtworeputations.InFleetStreethewasknownasawriteruponwhomasub-editorcoulddepend;afurnisherofwhatgottobecalled“buppy”—matterwhichispaidataslightlyhigherratethanordinarycopy,becausethelengthandqualityofitnevervary.OutsideFleetStreethewasregardedsimplyasaliterarylight;AnnesleyBupp,thefellowwhosenameyousawineverypaper;anacceptedauthor.
Itwasnotsurprising,therefore,thatatthebeginningof1907publicopinionforcedAnnesleyinto(sic)nwerfieldsofliterature.Itdemandedfromhim,amongotherthings,aweeklyreviewofcurrentfictionentitledFiresideFriends.Hewrotethiswithextraordinaryfluency;afewwordsofintroduction,followedbyalargefragmentofthebookbeforehim,pastedbeneaththeline,“Takethis,forinstance.”Anopinionofanykindherarelyventured;anadverseopinion,likeagoodfriend,never.
Aboutthistimehewascommissionedtowritethreeparagraphseachdayforaneveningpaper.Thefirstofthemalwaysbegan:“MrAsquith’sadmissionintheHouseofCommonsyesterdaythathehadneverdonesoandsoisnotwithoutparallel.In1746theelderPitt…”Thesecondalwaysbegan:“MentionoftheelderPittrecallsthefactthat…”Thethirdalwaysbegan:“Itmaynotbegenerallyknown…”
UntilhebegantowritetheseparagraphsAnnesleyBupphadnodefinitepoliticalviews.
IV
AnnesleyBuppisnowatthezenithofhisfame.The“buppy”ofolddayshestillwritesoccasionally,buthenolongersignsitinfull.Amodest“A.B.”inthecorner,supposedbytheignoranttostandfor“ArthurBalfour,”istheonlyevidenceoftheauthor.(Isay“theonlyevidence,”forhehashad,likeallgreatmen,hiscountlessimitators.)Tramsalsohedesertedwiththepublicationofhisgreatworkonthesubject—Tramiana.ButasawriteronLiteratureandOldLondonhehasaEuropeanreputation,andhisrecentbook,IntheTrackofShakespeare:ARecordofaVisittoStratford-on-Avon,creatednolittlestir.
Heisingreatrequestatpublicdinners,wherehisspeechinreplytothetoastofLiteratureiseagerlyattended.
Hecontributestoeverysymposiuminthepopularmagazines.
Itisallthemoretoberegrettedthathisautobiography,TheLastoftheBupps,istobepublishedposthumously.
LITTLEPLAYSFORAMATEURS
“FAIRMISTRESSDOROTHY”
THESCENEISANAPARTMENTINTHEMANSIONOFSirThomasFarthingale.THEREISNONEEDTODESCRIBETHEFURNITUREINIT,ASREHEARSALSWILLGRADUALLYSHOWWHATISWANTED.APICTUREORTWOOFPREVIOUSSirThomas’sMIGHTBESEENONTHEWALLS,IFYOUHAVEANARTISTICFRIENDWHOCOULDARRANGETHIS;BUTITISAMISTAKETOHANGUPYOUROWNANCESTORSASSOMEOFYOURGUESTSMAYRECOGNIZETHEM,ANDTHUSPIERCEBENEATHTHEVRAISEMBLANCEOFTHESCENE.
THEPERIODISTHATOFCROMWELL—SIXTEENSOMETHING.
THECOSTUMESARE,IFPOSSIBLE,OFTHESAMEPERIOD.
MistressDorothyFarthingaleISSEATEDINTHEMIDDLEOFTHESTAGE,READINGALETTERANDOCCASIONALLYSIGHING.
ENTERMyLordCarey.
CAREY.MistressDorothyalone!TrulyFortunesmilesuponme.
DOROTHY(HIDINGTHELETTERQUICKLY).Anshesmiles,mylord,Ineedsmustfrown.
CAREY(USEDTOTHISSORTOFTHINGANDNOLONGERPUTOFFBYIT).Nay,givemebutonesmile,sweetmistress.(SHESIGHSHEAVILY.)Yousigh!Is’tforme?
DOROTHY(FEELINGTHATTHESOONERHEANDTHEAUDIENCEUNDERSTANDTHESITUATIONTHEBETTER).Isighforanother,mylord,whoisabsent.
CAREY(ANNOYED).Zounds,andzoundsagain!
Apestuponthefellow!(Hestridesupanddowntheroom,keepingoutofthewayofhisswordasmuchaspossible.)WouldthatImightpinkthepeskyknave!
knave!
DOROTHY(turninguponhimalookofhate).Wouldthatyoumighthavethechance,mylord,soitwereinfairfighting.MethinksRoger’ssword-armwillnothavelostitscunninginthewars.
CAREY.AtraitortofightagainsthisKing!
DOROTHY.Hefightsforwhathethinksisright.(Shetakesouthisletterandkissesit.)
CAREY(observingtheaction).Youhavealetterfromhim!
DOROTHY(hastilyconcealingit,andturningpale).Howknowyouthat?
CAREY.Giveittome!(Sheshrieksandrises.)Byheavens,madam,Iwillhaveit![Hestruggleswithherandseizesit.
EnterSirThomas.
SIRTHOMAS.Oddslife,mylord,whatmeansthis?
CAREY(straighteninghimself).Itmeans,SirThomas,thatyouharbourarebelwithinyourwalls.MasterRogerDale,traitor,correspondssecretlywithyourdaughter.[Who,Iforgottosay,hasswooned.
SIRTHOMAS(sternly).Givemetheletter.Ay,‘tisRoger’shand,Iknowitwell.(Hereadstheletter,whichisfullofthoughtfulmetaphorsaboutlove,aloudtotheaudience.Suddenlyhiseyebrowsgoupanddowntoexpresssurprise.HeseizesLordCareybythearm.)Ha!Listen!“To-morrow,whenthesunisuponthewesternwindowofthegallery,Iwillbewiththee.”Thevillain!
CAREY(whodoesnotknowthehouseverywell).Whenisthat?
SIRTHOMAS.Why,‘tisnow,forIhavebutrecentlypassedthroughthegalleryanddidmarkthesun.
CAREY(FIERCELY).InthenameoftheKing,SirThomas,Icalluponyoutoarrestthistraitor.
SIRTHOMAS(sighing).Ilovedtheboywell,yet—[HeshrugshisshouldersexpressivelyandgoesoutwithLordCareytocollectsufficientforceforthe
expressivelyandgoesoutwithLordCareytocollectsufficientforceforthearrest.
EnterRogerbyasecretdoor,R.
ROGER.Mylove!
DOROTHY(openinghereyes).Roger!
ROGER.Atlast!
[Forthemomenttheytalkinshortsentenceslikethis.ThenDOROTHYputsherhandtoherbrowasifsheisrememberingsomethinghorrible.
DOROTHY.Roger!NowIremember!Itisnotsafeforyoutostay!
ROGER(verybrave).AmIapulingchildtobeafraid?
DOROTHY.MyLordCareyishere.Hehasreadyourletter.
ROGER.Theblack-livereddog!WouldIhadhimatmysword’spointtoteachhimmanners.
[Heputshishandtohisheartandstaggersintoachair.
DOROTHY.Oh,youarewounded!
ROGER.Faugh,‘tisbutascratch.AmIapuling—
[Hefaints.Shebindsuphisankle.
EnterLordCareywithtwosoldiers.
CAREY.Arrestthistraitor!(ROGERisledawaybythesoldiers.)
Dorothy(stretchingoutherhandstohim).Roger!(Shesinksintoachair.)
Carey(choosingquitethewrongmomentforaproposal).Dorothy,Iloveyou!Thinknomoreofthistraitor,forhewillsurelyhang.‘Tisyourfather’swishthatyouandIshouldwed.
Dorothy(refusinghim).Go,lestIcallinthegroomstowhipyou.
Dorothy(refusinghim).Go,lestIcallinthegroomstowhipyou.
Carey.Byheaven—(thinkingbetterofit)Igotofetchyourfather.
[Exit.
EnterRogerbysecretdoor,L.
Dorothy.Roger!Youhaveescaped!
Roger.Knowestnotthesecretpassagefromthewinecellar,wherewesooftenplayedaschildren?‘Twasinthatsamecellarthethick-skulledknavesimmuredme.
Dorothy.Roger,youmustfly!Wiltwearacloakofminetoeludeourenemies?
Roger(missingthepointrather).Nay,ifIdie,letmedielikeaman,notlikeapulinggirl.Yet,sweetheart—
EnterLordCareybyordinarydoor.
Carey(forgettinghimselfinhisconfusion).Oddsmyzounds,dodsinkme!Whatmurrainisthis?
Roger(seizingSirThomas’ssword,whichhadbeenaccidentallyleftbehindonthetable,asIoughttohavesaidbefore,andadvancingthreateningly).Itmeans,mylord,thatavillain’stimehascome.Wiltsayaprayer?
[Theyfight,andCareyisdisarmedbeforetheycanhurteachother.
Carey(dyinggame).Strike,MasterDale!
Roger.Nay,Icannotkillincoldblood.
[Hethrowsdownhissword.LordCareyexhibitsconsiderableemotionatthis,anddecidestoturnoveranentirelynewleaf.
Entertwosoldiers.
Carey.Arrestthatman!(Rogerisseizedagain.)MistressDorothy,itisforyoutosaywhatshallbedonewiththeprisoner.
Dorothy(standingupifshewassittingdown,andsittingdownifshewasstandingup).Ah,givehimtome,mylord!
Carey(joiningthehandsofRogerandDorothy).Itrusttoyou,sweetmistress,toseethattheprisonerdoesnotescapeagain.
[DorothyandRogerembraceeachother,iftheycandoitwithoutcausingascandalintheneighbourhood,andthecurtaingoesdown.
“ASLIGHTMISUNDERSTANDING”
Thesceneisadrawing-room(inwhichthemenareallowedtosmoke—orasmoking-roominwhichthewomenareallowedtodraw—itdoesn’tmuchmatter)inthehouseofsomebodyorotherinthecountry.GeorgeTurnbullandhisoldCollegefriend,HenryPeterson,areconfidingineachother,asoldfriendswill,overtheirwhiskiesandcigars.Itisaboutthreeo’clockintheafternoon.
George(dreamilyhelpinghimselftoastiffsoda).Henry,doyourememberthateveningatChristChurchCollege,Oxford,fiveyearsago,whenweopenedourheartstoeachother…
Henry(lightingacigarandhidingitinafern-pot).ThatmoonlighteveningontheBacks,George,whenIhadfailedinmyMatriculationexamination?
George.Yes;andwepromisedthatwheneitherofusfellinlovetheothershouldbethefirsttohearofit?(Risingsolemnly.)Henry,themomenthascome.(Withshiningeyes.)Iaminlove.
Henry(jumpingupandgraspinghimbybothhands).George!MydearoldGeorge!(Inavoicebrokenwithemotion.)Blessyou,George!
[Hepatshimthoughtfullyonthebackthreetimes,nodshisownheadtwice,giveshimafinalgripofthehand,andreturnstohischair.
George(moremovedbythisthanhecarestoshow).Thankyou,Henry.(Hoarsely.)You’reagoodfellow.
Henry(airily,withatypicallyBritishdesiretoconcealhisemotion).Whoistheluckylittlelady?
George(takingoutapicturepostcardoftheBritishMuseumandkissingitpassionately).IsobelBarley!
[IfHenryisnotcarefulhewillprobablygiveastartofsurprisehere,withtheideaofsuggestingtotheaudiencethathe(1)knowssomethingaboutthelady’spast,or(2)isinlovewithherhimself.Heis,however,thinkingofadifferentplay.Weshallcometothatoneinamoment.
Henry(inaslightlydashingmanner).LittleIsobel?Luckydog!
George.IwishIcouldthinkso.(Sighs.)ButIhaveyettoapproachher,andshemaybeanother’s.(Fiercely.)Heavens,Henry,ifsheshouldbeanother’s!
EnterIsobel.
Isobel(brightly).SoI’verunyoutoearthatlast.Now,whathaveyougottosayforyourselves?
Henry(likeaman).ByJove!(lookingathiswatch)—Ihadnoidea—isitreally—pooroldJoe—waiting—
[Dashesouttactfullyinastateofincoherence.
George(risingandleadingIsobeltothefrontofthestage).MissBarley,nowthatwearealone,IhavesomethingIwanttosaytoyou.
Isobel(lookingatherwatch).Well,youmustbequick.BecauseI’mengaged—
[Georgedropsherhandandstaggersawayfromher.
Isobel.Why,what’sthematter?
George(totheaudience,inavoiceexpressingtheverydeepsofemotion).Engaged!Sheisengaged!Iamtoolate!
[Hesinksintoachairandcovershisfacewithhishands.
Isobel(surprised).MrTurnbull!Whathashappened?
George(wavingherawaywithonehand).Go!Leaveme!Icanbearthisbestalone.(ExitIsobel.)Mercifulheavens,sheisplightedtoanother!
EnterHenry.
Henry(eagerly).Well,oldman?
George(raisingafacewhitewithmisery—thatistosay,ifhehasrememberedtoputtheFrenchchalkinthepalmsofhishands).Henry,Iamtoolate!Sheisanother’s!
Henry(insurprise).Whose?
George(withdignity).Ididnotaskher.Itisnothingtome.Good-bye,Henry.Bekindtoher.
Henry.Why,whereareyougoing?
George(firmly).TotheRockyMountains.Ishallshootsomebears.Grizzlyones.ItmaybethatthusIshallforgetmygrief.
Henry(afterapause).Perhapsyouareright,George.WhatshallItell—her?
George.Tellher—nothing.Butshouldanything(feelingcasuallyinhispockets)happentome—if(goingoverthemagainquickly)Idonotcomeback,then(searchingthemall,includingthewaistcoatones,indesperatehaste),giveher—giveher—giveher(triumphantlybringinghishandkerchiefoutofthelastpocket)this,andsaythatmylastthoughtwasofher.Good-bye,myoldfriend.Good-bye.
[ExittoRockyMountains.
EnterIsobel.
Isabel.Why,where’sMrTurnbull?
Henry(sadly).He’sgone.
Isabel.Gone?Where?
Henry.TotheRockyMountains—toshootbears.(Feelingthatsomefurtherexplanationisneeded.)Grizzlyones.
explanationisneeded.)Grizzlyones.
Isobel.ButhewasHEREamomentago.
Henry.Yes,he’sonlyJUSTgone.
Isobel.Whydidn’thesaygood-bye?(Eagerly.)Butperhapsheleftamessageforme?(Henryshakeshishead.)Nothing?(Henrybowssilentlyandleavestheroom.)Oh!(Shegivesacryandthrowsherselfonthesofa.)AndIlovedhim!George,George,whydidn’tyouspeak?
EnterGeorgehurriedly.HeisfullydressedforashootingexpeditionintheRockyMountains,andcarriesarifleunderhisarm.
George(totheaudience).Ihavejustcomebackformypocket-handkerchief.Imusthavedroppeditinheresomewhere.(Hebeginstosearchforit,andintheordinarycourseofthingscomesuponIsobelonthesofa.Heputshisrifledowncarefullyonatable,withthemuzzlepointingattheprompterratherthanattheaudience,andstaggersback.)Mercifulheavens!Isobel!Dead!(Hefallsonhiskneesbesidethesofa.)Mylove,speaktome!
Isobel(softly).George!
George.Sheisalive!Isobel!
Isobel.Don’tgo,George!
George.Mydear,Iloveyou!ButwhenIheardthatyouwereanother’s,honourcompelledme—
Isobel(sittingupquickly).Whatdoyoumeanbyanother’s?
George.Yousaidyouwereengaged!
Isobel(suddenlyrealizinghowthedreadfulmisunderstandingarosewhichnearlywreckedtwolives).ButIonlymeantIwasengagedtoplaytenniswithLadyCarbrook!
George.WhatafoolIhavebeen!(Hehurriesonbeforetheaudiencecanassent.)Then,Isobel,youWILLbemine?
Isobel.Yes,George.Andyouwon’tgoandshootnastybears,willyou,dear?
Isobel.Yes,George.Andyouwon’tgoandshootnastybears,willyou,dear?Notevengrizzlyones?
George(takingherinhisarms).Never,darling.Thatwasonly(turningtotheaudiencewiththeairofonewhoismakinghisbestpoint)ASlightMisunderstanding.
CURTAIN.
“MISSPRENDERGAST”
Asthecurtaingoesuptwoladiesarediscoveredinthemorning-roomofHoneysuckleLodgeengagedinworkofafemininenature.MissAlicePrendergastisdoingsomethingdelicatewithacrochet-hook,butitisobviousthatherthoughtsarefaraway.Shesighsatintervals,andoccasionallylaysdownherworkandpressesbothhandstoherheart.Asympatheticaudiencewillhavenodifficultyinguessingthatsheisinlove.Ontheotherhand,hereldersister,MissPrendergast,iscompletelywrappedupinasockforoneofthepoorerclasses,overwhichshefrownsformidably.Thesock,however,hasnorealbearingupontheplot,andshemustnotmaketoomuchofit.
Alice(hidingheremotions).Didyouhaveapleasantdinner-partylastnight,Jane?
Jane(toherself).Seventeen,eighteen,nineteen,twenty.(Lookingup.)Verypleasantindeed,Alice.TheBlizzardswerethere,andthePodbys,andtheSlumphs.(Thesepeoplearenotimportantandshouldnotbeover-emphasized.)MrsPodby’smaidhasgivennotice.
Alice.Whotookyouin?
Jane(brighteningup).Suchaninterestingman,mydear.HetalkedmostagreeablyaboutArtduringdinner,andwerenewedtheconversationinthedrawing-room.WefoundthatweagreeduponallthemainprinciplesofArt,consideredassuch.
Alice(withalookinhereyeswhichshowsthatsheisrecallingatender
Alice(withalookinhereyeswhichshowsthatsheisrecallingatendermemory).WhenIwasinShropshirelastweek—Whatwasyourman’sname?
Jane(withawarningglanceattheaudience).Youknowhowdifficultitistocatchnameswhenoneisintroduced.Iamcertainheneverheardmine.(Astheplotdependspartlyuponthis,shepausesforittosinkin.)ButIinquiredabouthimafterwards,andIfindthatheisaMr—
EnterMary,theParlour-maid.
Mary(handingletter).Aletterforyou,miss.
Jane(takingit).Thankyou,Mary.(ExitMarytoworkuphernextline.)Aletter!Iwonderwhoitisfrom!(Readingtheenvelope.)“MissPrendergast,HoneysuckleLodge.”(Sheopensitwiththeairofonewhohasoftenreceivedlettersbefore,butfeelsthatthisonemayplayanimportantpartinherlife.)“DearMissPrendergast,IhopeyouwillpardonthepresumptionofwhatIamabouttowritetoyou,butwhetheryoupardonmeornot,Iaskyoutolistentome.IknowofnowomanforwhosetalentsIhaveagreateradmiration,orforwhosequalitiesIhaveamoresincereaffectionthanyourself.SinceIhaveknownyou,youhavebeenthelodestarofmyexistence,thefountainofmyinspiration.Ifeelthat,wereyourlifejoinedtomine,thejointpathuponwhichwetrodwouldbethepathtohappiness,suchasIhaveasyethardlydaredtodreamof.Inshort,dearMissPrendergast,Iaskyoutomarryme,andIwillcomeinpersonformyanswer.Yourstruly—”(Inavoiceofintensesurprise)“Jas.Bootle!”
[Attheword“Bootle,”awaveofwarmcolourrushesoverAliceanddyesherfromnecktobrow.Ifsheisnotanactressofsufficientcalibretoensurethis,shemustdothebestshecanbystartingabruptlyandputtingherhandtoherthroat.
Alice(aside,inachokingvoice).MrBootle!InlovewithJane!
Jane.Mydear!Themanwhotookmedowntodinner!Well!
Alice(pickingupherworkagainandtryingtobecalm).Whatwillyousay?
Jane(ratherpleasedwithherself).Well,really—I—thisis—MrBootle!Fancy!
Alice(startingup).Wasthataring?(Shefrownsattheprompterandabellisheardtoring.)ItisMrBootle!Iknowhisring,ImeanIknow—Dear,IthinkIwillgoandliedown.Ihaveaheadache.
willgoandliedown.Ihaveaheadache.
[Shelooksmiserablyattheaudience,closeshereyes,andgoesoffwithherhandkerchieftohermouth,takingcarenottofalloverthefurniture.
EnterMary,followedbyJamesBootle.
Mary.MrBootle.(Exitfinally.)
Jane.Good-morning,MrBootle!
Bootle.Ibeg—Ithought—Why,ofcourse!It’sMiss—er-h’m,yes—Howdoyoudo?Didyougetbacksafelylastnight?
Jane.Yes,thankyou,(Coyly.)Igotyourletter.
Bootle.Myletter?(Seeshisletteronthetable.Furiously.)Youopenedmyletter!
Jane(mistakinghisfuryforpassion).Yes—James.And(lookingdownontheground)theansweris“Yes.”
Bootle(realizingthesituation).ByGeorge!
(Aside.)Ihaveproposedtothewronglady!Tchck!
Jane.Youmaykissme,James.
Bootle.Haveyouasister?
Jane(missingtheconnection).Yes,Ihaveayoungersister,Alice.(Coldly.)ButIhardlysee—
Bootle(beginningtounderstandhowhemadethemistake).Ayoungersister!ThenyouareMissPrendergast?Andmyletter—Ah!
EnterAlice.
Alice.Youarewanted,Jane,amoment.
Jane.Willyouexcuseme,MrBootle?[Exit.
Bootle(toAlice,asshefollowshersisterout).Don’tgo!
Alice(wanly—ifsheknowshow).AmItostayandcongratulateyou?
Bootle.Alice!(Theyapproachthefootlights,whileJane,havingfinishedherbusiness,comesinunobservedandwatchesfromtheback.)Itisallamistake!Ididn’tknowyourChristianname—Ididn’tknowyouhadasister.TheletterIaddressedtoMissPrendergastImeantforMissAlicePrendergast.
Alice.James!Mylove!Butwhatcanwedo?
Bootle(gloomily).Nothing.AsamanofhonourIcannotwithdraw.Sotwolivesareruined!
Alice.Youareright,James.Janemustneverknow.Good-bye!
[Theygiveeachotherafarewellembrace.
Jane(aside).Theylove.(Fiercely.)Butheismine;Iwillholdhimtohispromise!(PickingupaphotographofAliceasasmallchildfromanoccasionaltable.)LittleAlice!AndIpromisedtotakecareofher—toprotectherfromthecruelworldBabyAlice!(Sheputsherhandkerchieftohereyes.)No!Iwillnotspoiltwolives!(Aloud.)Why“Good-bye,”Alice?
[BootleandAlice,whohavebeenembracingallthistime—unlesstheycanthinkofsomethingelsetodo—breakawayinsurprise.
Alice.Jane—we—I—
Jane(calmly).DearAlice!Iunderstandperfectly.MrBootlesaidinhislettertoyouthathewascomingforhisanswer,andIseewhatansweryouhavegivenhim.(ToBootle.)YourememberItoldyouitwouldbe“Yes.”Iknowmylittlesister,yousee.
Bootle(tactlessly).But—youtoldmeIcouldkissyou!
Jane(smiling).AndItellyouagainnow.Ibelieveitisusualformentokisstheirsisters-in-law?(Sheoffershercheek.Bootle,whosedayitis,salutesherrespectfully.)Andnow(gaily)perhapsIhadbetterleaveyouyoungpeoplealone!
[Exit,withabackwardlookattheaudienceexpressiveofthefactthatshehasbeenwearingthemask.
Bootle.Alice,thenyouaremine,afterall.
Alice.James!(Theyk—No,perhapsbetternot.Therehasbeenquiteenoughforoneevening.)Andtothinkthatsheknewallthetime!NowIamquite,quitehappy.AndJames—youWILLrememberinfuturethatIamMissALICEPrendergast?
Bootle(gaily).Mydear,IshallonlybeabletorememberthatyouareTheFutureMrsBootle!
CURTAIN.
“ATDEADOFNIGHT”
Thestageisinsemi-darknessasDickTraylethrowsopenthewindowfromoutside,putshiskneeonthesill,andfallscarefullyintothedrawing-roomofBeesteHall.Heisdressedinaknickerbockersuitwitharrowsonit(suchascanalwaysbeborrowedfromafriend),and,tojudgefromthenoiseswhichheemits,isnotinthebestoftraining.Thelightsgoonsuddenly;and,heshouldseizethismomenttostaggertothedoorandturnontheswitch.Thisdone,hesinksintothenearestchairandcloseshiseyes.
Ifhehasbeendancingverylatethenightbeforehemaydropintoapeacefulsleep;inwhichcasetheplayendshere.Otherwise,nosoonerarehiseyesclosedthanheopensthemwithasuddenstartandlooksroundinterror.
Dick(strikingthekeynoteatonce).No,no!Letmeout—Iaminnocent!(Hegivesagaspofreliefasherealizesthesituation.)Free!Itistrue,then!Ihaveescaped!IdreamedthatIwasbackinprisonagain!(Heshuddersandhelpshimselftoalargewhisky-and-soda,whichheswallowsatagulp.)That’sbetter!NowIfeelanewman—themanIwasthreeyearsago.Threeyears!Ithasbeenalifetime!(Patheticallytotheaudience.)WhereisMillicentnow?
[Hefallsintoareverie,fromwhichheissuddenlywakenedbyanoiseoutside.
[Hefallsintoareverie,fromwhichheissuddenlywakenedbyanoiseoutside.Hestarts,andthencreepsrapidlytotheswitch,arrivingthereatthemomentwhenthelightsgoout.Thencehegoesswiftlybehindthewindowcurtain.ThelightsgoupagainasJasperBeestecomesinwitharevolverinonehandandabull’s-eyelanternofapparentlyenormouscandle-powerintheother.
Jasper(inimmaculateeveningdress).IthoughtIheardanoise,soIslippedonsomeoldthingshurriedlyandcamedown.(Fingeringhisperfectly-tiedtie.)Butthereseemstobenobodyhere.(Turnsroundsuddenlytothewindow.)Ha,who’sthere?Handsup,blowyou—(Heoughttoswearratherbadlyhere,really)—handsup,orIfire!
[Thestageissuddenlyplungedintodarkness,thereisthenoiseofastruggle,andthelightsgoontorevealJasperbythedoorcoveringDickwithhisrevolver.
Jasper.Let’shavealittlelightonyou.(Brutally.)Nowthen,myman,whathaveyougottosayforyourself?Ha!Anescapedconvict,eh?
Dick(tohimselfinamazement).JasperBeeste!
Jasper.Soyouknowmyname?
Dick(inthetonesofamanwhosewholelifehasbeenblightedbythemachinationsofafalsefriend).Yes,JasperBeeste,Iknowyourname.FortwoyearsIhavesaidittomyselfeverynight,whenIprayedHeaventhatIshouldmeetyouagain.
Jasper.Again?(Uneasily.)Wehavemetbefore?
Dick(slowly).Wehavemetbefore,JasperBeeste.SincethenIhavelivedalifetimeofmisery.Youmaywellfailtorecognizeme.
EnterMillicentWilsdon—inadressing-gown,withherhairoverhershoulders,ifthecountywillstandit.
Millicent(toJasper).Icouldn’tsleep—Iheardanoise—I—(suddenlyseeingtheother)Dick!(Shetrembles.)
Dick.Millicent!(Hetremblestoo.)
Jasper.Trayle!(Sodoeshe.)
Dick(bitterly).Youshrinkfromme,Millicent.(Withstrongcommonsense.)WhatisanescapedconvicttothebeautifulMissWilsdon?
Millicent.Dick—I—you—whenyouweresentenced—
Dick.WhenIwassentenced—theevidencewasblackagainstme,Iadmit—Iwroteandreleasedyoufromyourengagement.Youaremarriednow?
Millicent(throwingherselfonthesofa).Oh,Dick!
Jasper(recoveringhimself).Enoughofthis.MissWilsdonisgoingtomarrymeto-morrow.
Dick.TomarryYOU!(HestridesovertothesofaandpullsMillicenttoherfeet.)Millicent,lookmeintheeyes!Doyoulovehim?(Sheturnsaway.)Say“Yes,”andIwillgobackquietlytomyprison.(Sheraiseshereyestohis.)Ha!Ithoughtso!Youdon’tlovehim!NowthenIcanspeak.
Jasper(advancingthreateningly).Yes,toyourfriendsthewarders.Millicent,ringthebell.
Dick(wrestingtherevolverfromhisgrasp).Ha,wouldyou?Nowstandoverthereandlistentome.(Hearrangeshisaudience,Millicentonasofaontheright,Jasper,bitinghisfinger-nails,ontheleft.)ThreeyearsagoLadyWilsdon’sdiamondnecklacewasstolen.Myflatwassearchedandthenecklacewasfoundinmyhatbox.AlthoughIprotestedmyinnocence,Iwastried,foundguilty,andsentencedtotenyears’penalservitude,followedbyfifteenyears’policesupervision.
Millicent(raisingherselfonthesofa).Dick,youwereinnocent—Iknowit.(Shefallsbackagain.)
Dick.Iwas.ButhowcouldIproveit?Iwenttoprison.Forayearblackdespairgnawedatmyheart.Andthensomethinghappened.Theprisonerinthecellnexttominetriedtocommunicatewithmebymeansoftaps.Wesoonarrangedasystemandheldconversationstogether.Onedayhetoldmeofarobberyinwhichheandanothermanhadbeenengaged—therobberyofadiamondnecklace.
Jasper(jauntily).Well?
Dick(sternly).Adiamondnecklace,JasperBeeste,whichtheothermanhidinthehatboxofanothermaninorderthathemightwootheotherman’sfiancee!(Millicentshrieks.)
Jasper(blusteringly).Bah!
Dick(quietly).Themaninthecellnexttominewantstomeetthisgentlemanagain.Itseemsthathehassomeoldscorestopayoff.
Jasper(sneeringly).Andwhereishe?
Dick.Ah,whereishe?(Hegoestothewindowandgivesalowwhistle.AStrangerinknickerbockersjumpsinandadvanceswithacrab-likemovement.)Good!hereyouare.AllowmetopresentyoutoMrJasperBeeste.
Jasper(inhorror).Two-toedThomas!Iamundone!
Two-toedThomas(afteraseriesofunintelligiblesnarls).Saytheword,guv’nor,andI’llkillhim.(HeprowlsroundJasperthoughtfully.)
Dick(sternly).Standback!Now,JasperBeeste,whathaveyoutosay?
Jasper(hysterically).Iconfess.Iwillsignanything.Iwillgotoprison.Onlykeepthatmanoffme.
Dick(goinguptoabureauandwritingaloudatincrediblespeed).“I,JasperBeeste,ofBeesteHall,doherebydeclarethatIstoleLadyWilsdon’sdiamondnecklaceandhiditinthehatboxofRichardTrayle;andIfurtherdeclarethatthesaidRichardTrayleisinnocentofanycomplicityintheaffair.”(Advancingwiththepaperandafountainpen.)Sign,please.
[Jaspersigns.Atthismomenttwowardersburstintotheroom.
FirstWarder.Theretheyare!
[HeseizesDick.Two-toedThomasleapsfromthewindow,pursuedbythesecondWarder.Millicentpicksuptheconfessionandadvancesdramatically.
Millicent.Donottouchthatman!Readthis!
[Shehandshimtheconfessionwithanairofsuperbpride.
[Shehandshimtheconfessionwithanairofsuperbpride.
FirstWarder(reading).JasperBeeste!(SlippingapairofhandcuffsonJasper.)Youcomealongwithme,myman.We’vehadoursuspicionsofyouforsometime.(ToMillicent,withanodatDick.)You’lllookafterthatgentleman,miss?
Millicent.Ofcourse!Why,he’sengagedtome.Aren’tyou,Dick?
Dick.Thistime,Millicent,forever!
CURTAIN.
“THELOSTHEIRESS”
Thesceneislaidoutsideavillageinninthatcountyofcuriousdialects,Loamshire.Theinniseasilyindicatedbyaroundtablebearingtwomugsofliquid,whileafallenlogemphasizestheruralnatureofthescene.GafferJargeandGafferWillyumareseatedatthetable,surroundedbyafringeofwhisker,JargebeingslightlymoreofagafferthanWillyum.
Jarge(whomissedhisdinnerthroughnervousnessandhasbeenorderedtosustainhimselfwithsoup—asheputsdownthesteamingmug).Eh,bor,butthisberarebeer.Soitbe.
Willyum(whohadtoomuchdinnerandisnowdraininghissanatogen).Youberight,GafferJarge.Herbemainrarebeer.(Hefeelsuphissleeve,butthinkingbetterofitwipeshismouthwiththebackofhishand.)Mainrarebeer,zoherbe.(Gagging.)Zure-lie.
Jarge.DidIevertell‘ee,bor,aboutt’newsquoireo’theseparts—himwotcumhumyesterdayfromfurrenlands?GafferHenrywora-tellingme.
Willyum(privatelybored).Theedidsttell‘un,lad,sartainsuretheedidst.AndGafferHenry,hedidsttell‘untoo.Buttell‘unagain.Itdumegoodtohear‘un,zoitdu.Zure-lie.
Jarge.Arackunitbeamainqueertale,queerernoranythemwritingchapstellabout.Itworlikethis.(DroppingintoEnglish,inhishurrytogethislongspeech
about.Itworlikethis.(DroppingintoEnglish,inhishurrytogethislongspeechoverbeforeheforgetsit.)TheoldSquirehadadaughterwhodisappearedwhenshewasthreeweeksold,eighteenyearsago.Itwasalwaysthoughtshewasstolenbysomebody,andtheSquirewouldhaveitthatshewasstillalive.WhenhediedayearagohelefttheestateandallhismoneytoadistantcousininAustralia,withtheconditionthatifhedidnotdiscoverthemissingbabywithintwelvemonthseverythingwastogotothehospitals.(Rememberinghissmockandwhiskerswithastart.)Andheredubethelastday,zoitbe,andt’Squoire’sdaughter,herain’tfound.
Willyum(puffingatanewandemptyclaypipe).Zure-lie.(Jarge,atriflejealousofWillyum’sgag,pullsoutasimilarpipe,butsmokesitwiththebowlupsidedowntoshowhisindependence.)T’Squire’sdarter(Jargefrowns),herbain’t(Jargewisheshehadthoughtof“bain’t”)—herbain’tfound.(Thereisadramaticpause,onlybrokenbytheprompter.)HerudbelittleRachel’sagenow,bor?
Jarge(reflectively).Ay,ay.AmainqueerlasslittleRacheldube.Herbain’tlikeoneofus.
Willyum.Herdobethatfondofzoapandwater.(Laughter.)
Jarge(leavingnothingtochance).Happenshemightbearealgrandladybybirth,bor.
EnterRachel,beautifullydressedinthesortofcostumeinwhichonewouldgotoafancy-dressballasavillagemaiden.
Rachel(inthemostexpensiveaccent).NowUncleGeorge(shakingafingerathim),didn’tyoupromisemeyou’dgostraighthome?ItwouldserveyourightifInevertiedyourtieforyouagain.(Shesmilesbrightlyathim.)
Jarge(slappinghisthighinecstasy).Eh,lass,yerdukeepusold‘unsinorder.(Heburstsintoafalsettochuckle,losesthenote,blushesandburieshisheadinhismug.)
Willyum(rising).Usbestbegettin’downalong,Jarge,arackun.
Jarge.Ay,bor,timeuschapswasmoving.Don’t‘ebelong,lass.[Exeunt,limpingheavily.
Rachel(sittingdownonthelog).Dearoldmen!HowIlovethemallinthisvillage!Ihaveknownitallmylife.HowstrangeitisthatIhaveneverhada
village!Ihaveknownitallmylife.HowstrangeitisthatIhaveneverhadafatherormother.SometimesIseemtorememberalifedifferenttothis—alifeinfinehousesandspaciousparks,amongbeautifullydressedpeople(whichissurprising,seeingthatshewasonlythreeweeksoldatthetime;buttheaudiencemustbegivenahintoftheplot),andthenitallfadesawayagain.(Shelooksfixedlyintospace.)
EnterHughFitzhugh,Squire.
Fitzhugh(standingbehindRachel,butmissinghersomehow).Didevermancomeintostrangerinheritance?AwandererinCentralAustralia,Ihearunexpectedlyofmycousin’sdeaththroughanadvertisementinanoldcopyofaSundaynewspaper.Ihastenhome—toolatetosoothehisdyinghours;toolateindeedtoenjoymygoodfortuneformorethanoneshortday.To-morrowImustgiveupalltothehospitals,unlessbysomestrokeofFatethismissinggirlturnsup.(Impatiently.)Pshaw!Sheisdead.(SuddenlyhenoticesRachel.)Byheaven,aprettygirlinthisout-of-the-wayvillage!(Hewalksroundher.)Gad,sheislovely!Hugh,myboy,youareinluck.(Hetakesoffhishat.)Good-evening,mydear!
Rachel(withastart).Good-evening.
Fitzhugh(aside).Sheisadorable.Shecanbenocommonvillagewench.(Aloud.)Doyoulivehere,mygirl?
Rachel.Yes,Ihavealwayslivedhere.(Aside.)Howhandsomeheis.Down,flutteringheart.
Fitzhugh(sittingonthelogbesideher).Andwhoistheluckyvillageladwhoisprivilegedtowoosuchbeauty?
Rachel.Ihavenolover,sir.
Fitzhugh(takingherhand).CanHodgebesoblind?
Rachel(innocently).Areyoumakinglovetome?
Fitzhugh.UponmywordI—(Hegetsupfromthelog,whichisnotreallycomfortable.)Whatisyourname?
Rachel.Rachel.(Sherises.)
Rachel.Rachel.(Sherises.)
Fitzhugh.Itisthemostbeautifulnameintheworld.Rachel,willyoubemywife?
Rachel.Butwehaveknowneachothersuchashorttime!
Fitzhugh(lyingbravely).Wehaveknowneachotherforever.
Rachel.Andyouarearichgentleman,whileI—
Fitzhugh.Agentleman,Ihope,butrich—no.To-morrowIshallbeabeggar.No,notabeggar,ifIhaveyourlove,Rachel.
Rachel(makingaluckyshotathisname).Hugh!(Theyembrace.)
Fitzhugh.Letusplightourtrothhere.See,Igiveyoumyring!
Rachel.AndIgiveyoumine.
[Shetakesonefromtheendofachainwhichisroundherneck,andputsitonhisfinger.Fitzhughlooksatitandstaggersback.
Fitzhugh.Heavens!Theyarethesamering!(Ingreatexcitement.)Child,child,whoareyou?HowcameyoubythecrestoftheFitzhughs?
Rachel.Ah,whoamI?Ineverhadanyparents.Whentheyfoundmetheyfoundthatringonme,andIhavekeptiteversince!
Fitzhugh.Letmelookatyou!Itmustbe!TheSquire’smissingdaughter!
[GaffersJargeandWillyum,havingenteredunobservedatthebacksometimeago,havebeenputtinginalotofheavybyplayuntilwanted.
Jarge(atlast).Lor’bless‘ee,Willyum,ifitbain’tSquirea-kissin’ourRachel!
Willyum.Zoitdube.Heredubegoings-on!Whatwillt’passonsay?
Jarge(struckwithanidea).Zay,bor,don’t‘eezeeazorto’loikenessatweent’maidandt’Squire?
Willyum.Jarge,ifyoubain’tright,lad.Happenshedohavet’samenose!
[Hearingsomething,FitzhughandRachelturnround.
Fitzhugh.Ah,mymen!I’myournewSquire.Doyouknowwhothisis?
Willyum.Why,herdubeourRachel.
Fitzhugh.Onthecontrary,allowmetointroduceyoutoMissFitzhugh,daughterofthelateSquire!
Jarge.Well,thisdubeaday!TothinkofourRachelnow!
Fitzhugh.MYRachelnow.
Rachel(who,itistobehoped,hasbeenamusingherselfsomehowsinceherlastspeech).YourRachelalways!
CURTAIN.
“WILLIAMSMITH,EDITOR”
ThesceneistheEditor’sroomintheofficeofTheLark.Twowallsoftheroomarecompletelyhiddenfromfloortoceilingbymagnificently-boundbooks:thethirdwallatthebackishiddenbyboxesofimmenselyexpensivecigars.Thewindows,ofcourse,areinthefourthwall,which,however,neednotbedescribed,asitisneverquitepracticableonthestage.ThefloorofthisapartmentischastelycoveredwithrugsshotbytheEditorinhistravels,orintheTottenhamCourtRoad;or,insomecases,presentedbyadmiringreadersfromabroad.Thefurnitureisbothelegantandcommodious.
WilliamSmith,Editor,comesin.Heissuperblydressedinafurcoatandanexpensivecigar.Thereisabluepencilbehindhisear,andasheafofwhatwecallintheprofession“typewrittenmanuscripts”underhisarm.Hesitsdownathisdeskandpullsthetelephonetowardshim.
Smith(atthetelephone).Hallo,isthatyou,Jones?…Yes,it’sme.Justcomeupamoment.(Putsdowntelephoneandbeginstoopenhisletters.)
EnterJones,hisfavouritesub-editor.Heisdressedquitecommonly,andiscoveredwithink.Hesalutesrespectfullyashecomesintotheroom.
Jones.Good-afternoon,chief.
Smith.Good-afternoon.Haveacigar?
Jones.Thankyou,chief.
Smith.Haveyouanythingtotellme?
Jones.Thecirculationisstillgoingup,chief.Itwasthreemillionandeightlastweek.
Smith(testily).HowoftenhaveItoldyounottocallme“chief,”exceptwhenthereareladiespresent?Whycan’tyoudowhatyou’retold?
Jones.Sorry,sir,butthefactisthereAREladiespresent.
Smith(fingeringhismoustache).Showthemup.Whoarethey?
Jones.Thereisonlyone.Shesaysshe’stheladywhohasbeenwritingouranonymous“SecretsoftheBoudoir”serieswhichhasmadesuchasensation.
Smith(inamazement).IthoughtyoutoldmeYOUwrotethese.
Jones(simply).Idid.
Smith.Thenwhy—
Jones.ImeanIdidtellyou.Thetruthis,theycameinanonymously,andIthoughttheyweremorelikelytobeacceptedifIsaidIhadwrittenthem.(Withgreatemotion.)Forgiveme,chief,butitwasforthepaper’ssake.(Inmatter-of-facttones.)TherewereoneortwopeculiaritiesofstyleIhadtoalter.Shehadawayof—
Smith(sternly).Howmanychequesforthemhaveyouacceptedforthepaper’ssake?
Jones.Eight.Forathousandpoundseach.
Smith(withtearsinhiseyes).Ifyourmotherweretohearofthis—
Smith(withtearsinhiseyes).Ifyourmotherweretohearofthis—
Jones(sadly).Ah,chief,Ihaveneverhadamother.
Smith(slightlyputout,butrecoveringhimselfquickly).Whatwouldyourfathersay,if—
Jones.Alas,Ihavenorelations.Iwasafoundling.
Smith(nettled).Inthatcase,Ishallcertainlytellthemasterofyourworkhouse.Tothinkthatthereshouldbeathiefinthisoffice!
Jones(withgreatpathos).Chief,chief,Iamnotsovileasthat.Ihavecarefullykeptallthechequesinanoldstocking,and—
Smith(insurprise).Doyouwearstockings?
Jones.WhenIbicycle.Andassoonasthecontributorcomesforward—
Smith(stretchingouthishandandgraspingthatofJones).Mydearboy,forgiveme.Youhavebeenhasty,perhaps,butzealous.Inanycase,yourhonestyisabovesuspicion.Leavemenow.Ihavemuchtothinkof.(Restshisheadonhishands.Then,dreamily.)YOUhaveneverseenyourfather;forthirtyyearsIhavenotseenmywife.…Ah,Arabella!
Jones.Yes,sir.(Ringsbell.)
Smith.SheWOULDsplitherinfinitives.…Wequarrelled.…Sheleftme.…Ihaveneverseenheragain.
Jones(excitedly).Didyousayshesplitherinfinitives?
Smith.Yes.Thatwaswhatledtoourseparation.Why?
Jones.Nothing,only—it’sveryodd.Iwonder—
EnterBoy.
Boy.Didyouring,sir?
Smith.No.Butyoucanshowtheladyup.(ExitBoy.)You’dbetterclearout,Jones.I’llexplaintoheraboutthemoney.
Jones.I’llexplaintoheraboutthemoney.
Jones.Rightyouare,sir.
[Exit.
[Smithleansbackinhischairandstaresinfrontofhim.
Smith(tohimself).Arabella!
EnterBoy,followedbyastylishly-dressedladyofmiddleage.
Boy.MrsRobinson.
[Exit.
[MrsRobinsonstopsshortinthemiddleoftheroomandstaresattheEditor;thenstaggersanddropsontothesofa.
Smith(inwonder).Arabella!
MrsRobinson.William!
[Theyfallintoeachother’sarms.
Arabella.Ihadbeguntoalmostdespair.(Smithwinces.)“Almosttodespair,”Imean,darling.
Smith(withagreateffort).No,no,dear.Youwereright.
Arabella.Howsweetofyoutothinkso,William.
Smith.Yes,yes,it’stheleastIcansay.…Ihavebeenverylonelywithoutyou,dear.…Andnow,whatshallwedo?Shallwegetmarriedagainquietly?
Arabella.Wouldn’tthatbebigamy?
Smith.Ithinknot,butIwillasktheprinter’sreader.Heknowseverything.Yousee,therewillbesuchalottoexplainotherwise.
Arabella.Dear,canyouaffordtomarry?
Smith.Well,mysalaryaseditorisonlytwentythousandayear,butIdoalittle
Smith.Well,mysalaryaseditorisonlytwentythousandayear,butIdoalittlereviewingforotherpapers.
Arabella.AndIhave—nothing.HowcanIcometoyouwithoutevenatrousseau?
Smith.Yes,that’strue.…(Suddenly.)ByJove,though,youhavegotsomething!Youhaveeightthousandpounds!Weoweyouthatforyourarticles.(Withareturntohisprofessionalmanner.)DidItellyouhowgreatlyweallappreciatedthem?(Goestotelephone.)Isthatyou,Jones?Justcomehereamoment.(ToArabella.)Jonesismysub-editor;heiskeepingyourmoneyforyou.
EnterJones.
Jones(producinganoldstocking).I’vejustbeenroundtomyroomstogetthatmoney—(seesArabella)—oh,Ibegyourpardon.
Smith(wavinganintroduction).MrsSmith—mywife.Thisisoursub-editor,dear—MrJones.(Arabellaputsherhandtoherheartandseemsabouttofaint.)Why,what’sthematter?
Arabella(hoarsely).Wheredidyougetthatstocking?
Smith(pleasantly).It’sonehewearswhenhegoesbicycling.
Jones.No;Imisledyouthisafternoon,chief.ThisstockingwasalltheluggageIhadwhenIfirstenteredtheLeamingtonworkhouse.
Arabella(throwingherselfintohisarms).Myson!Thisisyourfather!William—ourboy!
Smith(shakinghandswithJones).Howareyou.Isay,Arabella,thenthatwasoneofMYstockings?
Arabella(toherboy).WhenIsawyouonthestairsyouseemedtodimlyremindme—
Jones.Toremindyoudimly,mother.
Smith.No,myboy.Infuture,nothingbutsplitinfinitiveswillappearinour
Smith.No,myboy.Infuture,nothingbutsplitinfinitiveswillappearinourpaper.Pleaserememberthat.
Jones(withemotion).Iwillendeavourtoalwaysrememberit,dad.
CURTAIN.
ACHAPTEROFACCIDENTS
Johnwalkedeightmilesoverthecliffstothenearesttowninordertobuytobacco.HecamebacktothefarmhousewithnotobaccoandthenewsthathehadmetsomefriendsinthetownwhohadinvitedustodinnerandBridgethenextevening.
“Butthat’snoreasonwhyyoushouldhaveforgottenthetobacco,”Isaid.
“Onecan’tremembereverything.Iacceptedforbothofus.Weneedn’tdress.Putonthatniceblueflannelsuitofyours—”
“Andthatnicepairofclimbingbootswiththenails—”
“Isthatallyou’vegot?”
“AllI’mgoingtowalkeightmilesinonamuddypath.”
“Thenweshallhavetotakeabagwithus.Andwecanputinpyjamasandstaythenightatanhotel;itwillsaveuswalkingbackinthedark.Wedon’twanttoloseyouoverthecliff.”
Itookoutacigar.
“Thisisthelast,”Isaid.“If,insteadofwanderingaboutandcollectinginvitations,youhadonlyremembered—Shallwecutituporsmokehalfeach?”
“Call,”saidJohn,bringingoutapenny.“Headsitis.Youbegin.”
Istruckamatchandbegan.
…..
Nextday,afterlunch,Johnbroughtouthislittlebrownbag.
Nextday,afterlunch,Johnbroughtouthislittlebrownbag.
“Itwon’tbeveryheavy,”hesaid,“andwecancarryitinturns.Anhoureach.”
“Idon’tthinkthat’squitefair,”Isaid.“Afterall,it’sYOURbag.Ifyoutakeitforanhourandahalf,Idon’tmindtakingtheotherhalf.”
“Yourshoesareheavierthanmine,anyhow.”
“Mypyjamasweighless.Suchalightblueastheyare.”
“Ah,butmytoothbrushhaslostsevenbristles.Thatmakesadifference.”
“WhatIsayis,leteverymancarryhisownbag.Thisisarottenbusiness,John.Idon’twishtobeanythingbutpolite,butforasillyasscommendmetotheownerofthatbrownthing.”
Johntooknonoticeandwentonpacking.
“Ishallbuyacollarinthetown,”hesaid.
“Betterletmedoitforyou.Youwouldonlygogettinganinvitationtoagarden-partyfromthehaberdasher.Andthatwouldmeananothereightmileswithaportmanteau.”
“Thereweare,”saidJohn,asheclosedthebag,“quitesmallandlight.Now,who’lltakethefirsthour?”
“We’dbettertoss,ifyou’requitesureyouwon’tcarryitalltheway.Tails.Justmyluck.”
Johnlookedoutofthewindowandthenathiswatch.
“Theysaytwotothreeisthehottesthouroftheday,”hesaid.“Itwillbecoolerlateron.Ishallputyouin.”
Iledthewayupthecliffswiththatwretchedbag.Iinsisteduponthatconditionanyhow—thatthemanwiththebagshouldleadtheway.Iwasn’tgoingtohaveJohndashingoffatsixmilesanhour,andleavinghimselfonlytwomilesattheend.
“Butyoucancomeandtalktome,”Isaidtohimaftertenminutesofit.“Ionly
“Butyoucancomeandtalktome,”Isaidtohimaftertenminutesofit.“IonlymeantthatIwasgoingtosetthepace.”
“No,no,Ilikewatchingyou.Youdoitsogracefully.Thisismyman,”heexplainedtosomechildrenwhowereblackberrying.“Heisjustcarryingmybagoverthecliffsforme.No,heisnotverystrong.”
“Youwait,”Igrowled.
Johnlaughed.“Fiftyminutesmore,”hesaid.Andthenafteralittlesilence,“Ithinkthebag-carryingprofessionisoverrated.Whatmadeyoutakeitup,mylad?Thedrink?Ah,justso.Dear,dear,whatalessontoallofus.”
“There’sagoodtimecoming,”Imurmuredtomyself,andchangedhandsfortheeighthtime.
“Idon’tcarewhatpeoplesay,”saidJohn,argumentatively;“brownandblueDOgotogether.Ifyouwouldn’tmind—”
ForthetenthtimeIrammedthesharpcornerofthebagintothebackofmyknee.
“There,that’swhatImean.Youseeitperfectlylikethat—thebrownagainsttheblueoftheflannel.Thankyouverymuch.”
Istumbledupasteeplittlebitofslipperygrass,andtoldmyselfthatinthree-quartersofanhourIwouldgetsomeofmyownbackagain.Helittleknewhowheavythatbagcouldbecome.
“Theysay,”saidJohntotheheavens,“thatifyouhaveweightsinyourhandsyoucanjumptheselittleeminencesmuchmoreeasily.Isupposeonehandalonedoesn’tdo.Whatapityhedidn’ttellmebefore—Iwouldhavelenthimanotherbagwithpleasure.”
“NobodylikesblackberriesmorethanIdo,”saidJohn.“ButevenIwouldhesitatetocomeouthereonahotafternoonandfillagreatbrownbagwithblackberries,andthencarrythemeightmileshome.Besides,itlooksrathergreedy….Ibegyourpardon,mylad,Ididn’tunderstand.Youaretakingthemhometoyouragedmother?Ofcourse,ofcourse.Verycommendable.IfIhadapenny,Iwouldlendittoyou.No,Ionlyhaveasixpenceonme,andIhavetogivethattothelittlefellowwhoiscarryingmybagoverthecliffsforme….Yes,Ipickedhimupaboutacoupleofmilesback.Hehasmudalluphis
Yes,Ipickedhimupaboutacoupleofmilesback.Hehasmudalluphistrousers,Iknow.”
“Halfanhourmore,”Itoldmyself,andwentondoggedly,myrightshoulderonfire.
“Dear,dear,”hesaidsolicitously,“howlopsidedtheyouthofto-dayisgetting.Toomuchlawn-tennis,Isuppose.Howmuchbetterthesimplyhealthyexercisesofourforefathers;theweightliftingafterlunch,the—”
Hewassilentfortenminutes,andthenbrokeoutrapturouslyoncemore.
“Whataheavenlyday!IAMgladwedidn’tbringabag—itwouldhavespoiltitaltogether.Wecaneasilyborrowsomeslippers,anditwillbejollywalkingbackbymoonlight.Now,ifyouhadhadyourway—”
“Oneminutemore,”Isaidjoyfully;“andoh,myboy,howgladIamwebroughtabag.Whatasplendidideaofyours!Bytheway,youhaven’tsaidmuchlately.Alittletiredbythewalk?”
“ImakeitTWOminutes,”saidJohn.
“Halfaminutenow….There!AndmayInevercarrytheconfoundedthinganotheryard.”
Ithrewthebagdownandfelluponthegrass.Thebagrolledayardortwoaway.Thenitrolledanotheryard,slippedovertheedge,andstartedbouncingdownthecliff.Finallyitleaptawayfromtheearthaltogether,anddroppedtwohundredfeetintothesea.
“MYbag,”saidJohnstupidly.
Andthatdidformealtogether.
“Idon’tcareahangaboutyourbag,”Icried.“AndIdon’tcareahangifI’velostmypyjamasandmybestshoesandmyonlyrazor.AndI’vebeenthroughanhour’storturefornothing,andIdon’tmindthat.Butoh!—tothinkthatyouaren’tgoingtohaveYOURhour—”
“ByJove,neitherIam,”saidJohn,andhesatdownandroaredwithlaughter.
ACROWNOFSORROWS
Thereissomethingonmymind,ofwhichImustrelievemyself.IfIamevertofacetheworldagainwithasmileImustsharemytroublewithothers.Icannotbearmyburdenalone.
Friends,Ihavelostmyhat.Willthegentlemanwhotookitbymistake,andforgottoleavehisowninitsplace,kindlyreturnmyhattomeatonce?
Iamverymiserablewithoutmyhat.Itwasoneofthosenicesoftoneswithadentdownthemiddletocollecttherain;oneofthosesofthatswhichwrapthemselvessolovinglyroundthecraniumthattheyultimatelyabsorbthepersonalityofthewearerunderneath,respondingtohiseveryemotion.Whenpeoplesaidnicethingsaboutmemyhatwouldswellinsympathy;whentheysaidnastythings,orwhenIhadhadmyhaircut,itwouldadaptitselfautomaticallytomylesserrequirements.Inaword,itfitted—andthatismorethancanbesaidforyourhardunyieldingbowler.
MyhatandIdroppedintoahallofmusiconenightlastweek.Iplaceditundertheseat,putacoatonittokeepitwarm,andsettleddowntoenjoymyself.Myhatcouldseenothing,butitknewthatitwouldhearallabouttheentertainmentonthewayhome.Whenthelastmovingpicturehadmovedaway,myhatandIpreparedtodeparttogether.Idrewoutthecoatandfeltaroundformy—Whereonearth…
Iwascalmatfirst.
“Excuseme,”Isaidpolitelytothemannexttome,“buthaveyougottwohats?”
“Several,”hereplied,mistakingmymeaning.
Idivedundertheseatagain,andcameupwithsomemoredust.
“Someone,”Isaidtoaprogrammegirl,“hastakenmyhat.”
“Haveyoulookedundertheseatforit?”sheasked.
ItwassuchasoundsuggestionthatIwentundertheseatforthethirdtime.
ItwassuchasoundsuggestionthatIwentundertheseatforthethirdtime.
“Itmayhavebeenkickedfurtheralong,”suggestedanotherattendant.Shewalkedupanddowntherowlookingforit,and,incasesomebodyhadkickeditintotherowabove,walkedupanddownthatonetoo;and,incasesomebodyhadfoundtouchwithitontheothersideofthehouse,manyothergirlsspreadthemselvesinpursuit;andsoonwehadthewholepackhuntingforit.
Thenthefiremancameup,suspectingtheworst.Itoldhimitwasevenworsethanthat—myhathadbeenstolen.
Hehadaflashofinspiration.
“Areyousureyoubroughtitwithyou?”heasked.
TheprogrammegirlsseemedtothinkthatitwouldsolvethewholemysteryifIhadn’tbroughtitwithme.
“Areyousureyouarethefireman?”Isaidcoldly.
Hethoughtforamoment,andthenunburdenedhimselfofanotheridea.
“Perhapsit’sjustbeenkickedundertheseat,”hesaid.
Ilefthimundertheseatandwentdownstairswithaheavyheart.AtthedoorIsaidtothehallporter,“Haveyouseenanybodygoingoutwithtwohatsbymistake?”
“What’sthematter?”hesaid.“Lostyourhat?”
“Ithasbeenstolen.”
“Haveyoulookedundertheseats?Itmayhavebeenkickedalongabit.”
“PerhapsI’dbetterseethemanager,”Isaid.“IsitanygoodlookingundertheseatsforHIM?”
“Iexpectit’sjustbeenkickedalongabit,”thehallporterrepeatedconfidently.“I’llcomeupwithyouandlookforit.”
“Ifthere’sanymoretalkaboutbeingkickedalongabit,”Isaidbitterly,“somebodyWILLbe.Iwantthemanager.”
“somebodyWILLbe.Iwantthemanager.”
Iwasledtothemanager’sroom,andthereIexplainedthemattertohim.Hewasverypleasantaboutit.
“Iexpectyouhaven’tlookedforitproperly,”hesaid,withacharmingsmile.“Justtakethisgentlemanup,”headdedtothehallporter,“andfindhishatforhim.Ithasprobablybeenkickedunderoneoftheotherseats.”
Weweresmiledirresistiblyout,andIwasdraggeduptothegrandcircleagain.Theseatsbythistimewerelaidoutinwhitedraperies;thehouselookedverydesolate;Iknewthatmypoorhatwasdead.Withanairofcheeryconfidencethehallporterturnedintothefirstrowofseats….
“Itmayhavebeenkickedontothestage,”Isaid,ashebegantoslowdown.“Itmayhavejumpedintooneoftheboxes.Itmayhaveturnedintoarabbit.Youknow,Iexpectyouaren’tlookingforitproperly.”
Themanagerwasextremelysympatheticwhenwecamebacktohim.Hesaid,“Oh,I’msorry.”Justlikethat—“Oh,I’msorry.”
“Myhat,”Isaidfirmly,“hasbeenstolen.”
“I’msorry,”herepeatedwithaboredsmile,andturnedtolookathimselfintheglass.
ThenIbecameangrywithhimandhisattendantsandhiswholeblessedtheatre.
“Myhat,”Isaidbitingly,“hasbeenstolenfromme—whileIslept.”
…….
Youmusthaveseenmewearingitinthedearolddays.Greenybrownitwasincolour;butitwasn’tthecolourthatdrewyoureyestoit—no,noryettheshape,northeangleatwhichitsat.Itwasjusttheessentialrightnessofit.Ifyouhaveeverseenahatwhichyoufeltinstinctivelywasacleverhat,analivehat,aprofoundhat,thenthatwasmyhat—andthatwasmyselfunderneathit.
profoundhat,thenthatwasmyhat—andthatwasmyselfunderneathit.
NAPOLEONATWORK
WhenIaminanydoubtordifficultyIsaytomyself,“WhatwouldNapoleonhavedone?”Theanswergenerallycomesatonce:“HewouldhaveborrowedfromHenry,”or“Hewouldhavesaidhisauntwasill”—theoneobviouslyrightandproperthing.ThenIweighinanddoit.
“Whatstationisthis?”saidBeatrice,asthetrainbegantoslowup.“BabyandIwanttogethome.”
“Whitecroft,Iexpect,”saidJohn,whowasreadingthepaper.“Onlyfourmore.”
“It’sgrownsincewewereherelast,”Iobserved.“Gettingquiteabigplace.”
“Good;thenwe’reatHillstead.Onlythreemorestations.”
Ilookedoutofthewindow,andhadasuddensuspicion.
“WherehaveIheardthenameByresbefore?”Imurmuredthoughtfully.
“Youhaven’t,”saidJohn.“Nobodyhas.”
“Say‘Byres,’baby,”urgedBeatricehappily.
“You’requitesurethatthereisn’tanythingadvertisedcalled‘Byres’?You’resureyoucan’tdrinkByresorrubyourselfdownwithByres?”
“Quite.”
“Well,then,wemustbeATByres.”
TherewasashriekfromBeatrice,assherushedtothewindow.
“We’reinthewrongtrain—Quick!Getthebags!—Haveyougottherug?—Where’stheumbrella?—Openthewindow,stupid!”
Igotupandmovedherfromthedoor.
“Leavethistome,”Isaidcalmly.“Porter!—PORTER!!—PORTER!!!—Oh,guard,whatstation’sthis?”
“Byres,sir.”
“Byres?”
“Yes,sir.”Heblewhiswhistleandthetrainwentonagain.
“AtanyrateweknownowthatitWASByres,”Iremarked,whenthesilencebegantogetoppressive.
“It’sallverywellforyou,”Beatriceburstoutindignantly,“butyoudon’tthinkaboutBaby.Wedon’tknowabitwhereweare—”
“That’stheonethingwedoknow,”Isaid.“We’reatthislittleByresplace.”
“Itwastheporter’sfaultatLiverpoolStreet,”saidJohnconsolingly.“Hetoldusitwasathroughcarriage.”
“Idon’tcarewhosefaultitwas;I’monlythinkingofBaby.”
“Whattimedobabiesgotobedasarule?”Iasked.
“Thisonegoesatsix.”
“Well,then,she’sgotanotherhour.Now,whatwouldNapoleonhavedone?”
“Napoleon,”saidJohn,aftercarefulthought,“wouldhaveturnedallyourclothesoutofyourbag,wouldhaveputthebabyinitdiagonally,andhaveboredholesinthetopforventilation.That’sasgoodasgoingtobed—youavoidtheworstoftheeveningmists.Andpeoplewouldonlythinkyoukeptcaterpillars.”
Beatricelookedathimcoldly.
“That’sawaytotalkofyourdaughter,”shesaidinscorn.
“Don’tkillhim,”Ibegged,“Wemaywanthim.NowI’vegotanotheridea.IfyoulookoutofthewindowyouobservethatweareonaSINGLEline.”
“Well,Ienvyit.And,howeversingleitis,we’regoingawayfromhomeinit.”
“True.Butthepointisthatnotraincancomebackonituntilwe’vestoppedgoingforward.So,yousee,there’snoobjectingettingoutofthistrainuntilithasfinishedfortheday.Probablyitwillgobackitselfbeforelong,outofsheerboredom.Andit’smuchbetterwaitingherethanonadraughtyByresplatform.”
Beatrice,quiteseeingthepoint,changedthesubject.
“There’smytrunkwillgoontoBrookfield,andthewagonettewillmeetthetrain,andaswearen’tthereitwillgoawaywithoutthetrunk,andallbaby’sthingsareinit.”
“She’snotcomplaining,”Isaid.“She’sjustmentioningit.”
“Lookhere,”saidJohnreproachfully,“we’redoingallwecan.We’reboththinkinglikeanything.”Hepickeduphispaperagain.
Iwasbeginningtogetannoyed.Itwas,ofcourse,nogoodtogetasanxiousandexcitedasBeatrice;thatwouldn’thelpmattersatall.Ontheotherhand,theentireindifferenceofJohnandthebabywasequallyoutofplace.ItseemedtomethattherewasamiddleandNapoleonicpathinbetweenthesetwoextremeswhichonlyIwasfollowing.Tobeconvincedthatoneistheonlypersondoingtherightthingisalwaysannoying.
“I’vejustmadeanotherdiscovery,”Isaidinahurtvoice.“There’samapoverJohn’shead,ifhe’donlyhadthesensetolooktherebefore.Thereweare,”andIpointedwithmystick;“there’sByres.ThelinegoesroundandroundandeventuallygoesthroughDearmer.WegetoutatDearmer,andwe’reonlythreemilesfromBrookfield.”
“Whattheycallaloopline,”assistedJohn,“becauseit’sintheshapeofaloop.”
“It’snotsobadasitmightbe,”admittedBeatricegrudgingly,afterstudyingthemap,“butit’sfivemileshomefromDearmer;andwhataboutmytrunk?”
Isighedandpulledoutapencil.
“It’sverysimple.Wewriteatelegram:—
‘Stationmaster,Brookfield.SendwagonetteandtrunktowaitforusatDearmerStation.’”
“Lovetomotherandthechildren,”addedJohn.
Ourtrainstoppedagain.Isummonedaporterandgavehimthetelegram.
“It’ssoabsurdlysimple,”Irepeated,asthetrainwenton.“Justalittlepresenceofmind;that’sall.”
WegotoutatDearmerandgaveupourticketstotheporter-station-master-signalman.
“What’sthis?”hesaid.“Thesearenogoodtome.”
“Well,they’renogoodtous.We’vefinishedwiththem.”
Wesatinthewaiting-roomwithhimforhalfanhourandexplainedthesituation.Wesaidthat,highlyaswethoughtofDearmer,wehadnotwantonlytriedtodefraudtheCompanyinordertogetasightoftheplace;andthat,sofarfromowinghimthreeshillingsapiece,wewerepreparedtotakeasovereigntosaynothingmoreaboutit….Andstillthewagonettedidn’tcome.
“Isthereapost-officehere?”Iaskedtheman.“Orahorse?”
“Theremightbeahorseatthe‘Lion.’There’snopost-office.”
“Well,IsupposeIcouldwiretoBrookfieldStationfromhere?”
“NottoBrookfield.”
“Butsupposingyouwanttotellthestation-mastertherethatthetrain’sofftheline,orthatyou’vewonthefirstprizeattheFlowerShowinthevegetableclass,howwouldyoudoit?”
“Brookfield’snotonthisline.That’swhyyou’vegottopaythreeshill—”
“Yes,yes.Yousaidallthat.ThenIshallgoandexplorethevillage.”
Iexplored,asNapoleonwouldhavedone,andIcamebackwithaplan.
“Thereisnohorse,”Isaidtomyeageraudience;“butIhavefoundabicycle.Thelandladyofthe‘Lion’willbedelightedtolookafterBeatriceandthebaby,andwillgivehertea;Johnwillstayherewiththebagsincasethewagonetteturnsup,andIwillridetoBrookfieldandsummonhelp.”
turnsup,andIwillridetoBrookfieldandsummonhelp.”
“That’sallright,”saidJohn,“onlyIwouldsuggestthatIgotothe‘Lion’andhavetea,andBeatriceandthechild—”
Welefthimindisgustathisselfishness.Iestablishedtheladiesattheinn,mountedthebicycle,androdeoff.Itwasawindyday,andIhadalongcoatandabowlerhat.Afteranextremelyunpleasanttwomilessomethingdrovepastme.Iliftedupmyheadandlookedround.Itwasthewagonette.
Irodebackbehinditintriumph.Whenitturneduptheroadtothestation,Ihurriedstraightontothe“Lion”toprepareBeatrice.Iknocked,andpeeredintorooms,andknockedagain,andatlastthelandladycame.
“Er—isthelady—”
“Oh,she’sgone,sir,alongtimeago.Agentlemansheknewdrovepast,andsheaskedhimtogiveheralifthomeinhistrap.Shewasgoingtotelltheothergentleman,andhe’dwaitforyou.”
“Ohyes.That’sallright.”
Ireturnedmybicycletoitsowner,distributedcopperstohischildren,andwentuptothestation.Theportercameouttomeetme.Heseemedsurprised.
“Thegentlemanthoughtyouwouldn’tbecomingback,sir,asyoudidn’tcomewiththewagonette.”
“Ijustwentuptothe‘Lion’—”
“Yessir.Well,hedroveoffquarterofanhourago;saiditwasnogoodwaitingforyou,asyou’dridestraight‘omewhenyoufoundatBrookfieldthatthewagonette‘adcome.”
AndnowIaskyou—WhatwouldNapoleonhavesaid?
THEPORTUGUESECIGAR
EVERYTHINGpromisedwellformyweek-endwithCharles.Theweatherwaswarmandsunny,Iwasbringingmygolfclubsdownwithme,andIhadjustdiscovered(andmeanttoputintopractice)anentirelynewstancewhichmadeitimpossibletomisstheobjectball.ItwasthisthatIwasexplainingtoCharlesandhiswifeatdinneronFriday,whentheinterruptionoccurred.
“Bytheway,”saidCharles,asItookoutacigarette,“I’vegotacigarforyou.Don’tsmokethatthing.”
“Youhaven’tlethimgoinforcigars?”IsaidreproachfullytoMrsCharles.Icanbeveryfirmaboutotherpeople’sextravagances.
“ThisisoneIpickedupinPortugal,”explainedCharles.“Youcangetthemabsurdlycheapoutthere.Let’ssee,dear;wheredidIputit?”
“Isawitonyourdressing-tablelastweek,”saidhiswife,gettinguptoleaveus.Hefollowedheroutandwentinsearchofit,whileIwaitedwithaninterestwhichImadenoefforttoconceal.IhadneverheardbeforeofamangoingallthewaytoPortugaltobuyonecigarforafriend.
“Hereitis,”saidCharles,cominginagain.Heputdowninfrontofmeanash-tray,thematchesanda—anda—well,asIsay,acigar.Iexamineditslowly.Halfofitlookedverytired.
“Well,”saidCharles,“whatdoyouthinkofit?”
“Whenyousayyou—er—PICKEDITUPinPortugal,”Ibegancarefully,“Isupposeyoudon’tmean—”Istoppedandtriedtobitetheendoff.
“Haveaknife,”saidCharles.
Ihadanotherbite,andthenIdecidedtobefrank.
“WHYdidyoupickitup?”Iasked.
“Thefactwas,”saidCharles,“IfoundmyselfonedayinLisbonwithoutmypipe,andsoIboughtthatthing;Ineversmokethemintheordinaryway.”
“Didyousmokethis?”Iasked.ItwasobviousthatSOMETHINGhadhappenedtoit.
“No,yousee,Ifoundsomecigarettesatthelastmoment,andso,knowingthatyoulikedcigars,IthoughtI’dbringithomeforyou.”
“It’sveryniceofyou,Charles.OfcourseIcanseethatithastravelled.Well,wemustdowhatwecanwithit.”
Itooktheknifeandstartedchippingawayatthemahoganyend.Theotherend—thebrown-paperend,whichhadcomeungummed—Iintendedtoreserveforthematch.WheneverythingwasreadyIappliedalight,leantbackinmychair,andpulled.
“That’sallright,isn’tit?”saidCharles.“Andyou’dbesurprisedifItoldyouwhatIpaidforit.”
“No,no,youmustn’tthinkthat,”Iprotested.“ProbablythingsaredearerinPortugal.”Iputitdownbymyplateforamoment’srest.“AllI’vegotagainstitatpresentisthatitsporesdon’tactasfreelyastheyshould.”
“I’vegotacigar-cuttersomewhere,if—”
“No,don’tbother.IthinkIcandoitwiththenut-crackers.There’snodoubtitwasagoodcigaronce,butithasn’twinteredwell.”
IsqueezeditashardasIcould,lititagain,pressedmyfeetagainstthetableandpulled.
“Nowit’sgoing,”saidCharles.
“I’mafraiditkeepsveryreticentatmyend.Thefollow-throughispoor.Isyourendalightstill?”
“Burningbeautifully.”
“It’sapitythatIshouldbemissingallthat.Howwoulditbeifweweretomakeaknitting-needlered-hot,andboreatunnelfromthisend?Wemightestablishadraughtthatway.Onlythere’salwaysthedanger,ofcourse,ofcomingoutattheside.”
Itookthecigarupandputittomyear.
“Ican’tHEARanythingwrong,”Isaid.“Iexpectwhatitreallywantsismassage.”
Charlesfilledhispipeagainandgotup.“Let’sgoforastroll,”hesaid.“It’sabeautifulnight.Bringyourcigarwithyou.”
“Itmayprefertheopenair,”Isaid.“There’salwaysthat.Youknowwemustn’tlosesightofthefactthatthePortugueseclimateisdifferentfromours.Thething’sporesmayhaveactedmorereadilyintheSouth.Ontheotherhand,theunfastenedendmayhavebeenmoreadhesive.Igatherthatthoughyouhaveneveractuallymetanybodywhohassmokedacigarlikethis,yetyouunderstandthattheexperimentisapracticableone.Asfarasyouknow,thishadnobrothers.No,no,Charles,I’mgoingonwithit,butIshouldliketoknowallthatyoucantellmeofitsparentage.IthadaPortuguesefatherandanAmericanmother,Ishouldsay,andtherehasbeenagooddealoftroubleinthefamily.Onemoment”—andaswewentoutsideIstoppedandcrackeditinthedoor.
Itwasaninspiration.AttheverynextapplicationofthematchIfoundthatIhadestablishedaconnectionwiththelightedend.Notalongandsteadyconnection,butonethatcameingusts.AftertwogustsIdecidedthatitwasperhapssafertoblowfrommyend,andforalittlewhilewehadinthiswayasmuchsmokearoundusasthemostfastidiouscigar-smokercouldwant.ThenIaccidentallydroppedit;somethinginthemiddleofitshifted,Isuppose—andfortherestofmystaybehinditonlyoneendwasatwork.
“Well,”saidCharles,whenwewerebackinthesmoking-room,andIwasgivingthecigarashortbreather,“it’snotabadone,isit?”
“Ihaveenjoyedit,”Isaidtruthfully,forIliketryingtogetthemasteryoverathingthatdefiesme.
“You’llneverguesswhatitcost,”hechuckled.
“Tellme,”Isaid.“Idaren’tguess.”
“Well,inEnglishmoneyitworksoutatexactlythreefarthings.”
Ilookedathimforalongtimeandthenshookmyheadsadly.
“Charles,oldfriend,”Isaid,“you’vebeendone.”
ACOLDWORLD
Herbertisamanwhoknowsallaboutrailwaytickets,andpacking,andbeingintimefortrains,andthingslikethat.ButIfancyIhavetaughthimalessonatlast.Hewon’ttalkquitesomuchaboutticketsinfuture.
Iwasjustthinkingaboutgettingupwhenhecameintomyroom.Helookedatmeinhorror.
“Mydearfellow!”hesaid.“Andyouhaven’tevenpacked!You’llbelate.Here,getup,andI’llpackforyouwhileyoudress.”
“Do,”Isaidbriefly.
“Firstofall,whatclothesareyougoingtotravelin?”
Therewasnohelpforit.Isatupinbedanddirectedoperations.
“Right,”saidHerbert.“Now,whataboutyourreturnticket?Youmustn’tforgetthat.”
“Youremindmeofalittlestory,”Isaid.“I’lltellityouwhileyoupack—thatwillbeniceforyou.OnceuponatimeIlostmyreturnticket,andIhadtopaytwopoundsforanother.AndamonthafterwardsImetaman—amanlikeyouwhoknowsallabouttickets—andhesaid,‘Youcouldhavegotthemoneybackifyouhadappliedatonce.’SoIsaid,‘Givemeacigarettenow,andI’lltransferallmyrightsinthebusinesstoyou.’Andhegavemeacigarette;butunfortunately—”
“Itwastoolate?”
“No.Unfortunatelyitwasn’t.Hegotthetwopounds.ThemostexpensivecigaretteI’veeversmoked.”
“Well,thatjustshowsyou,”saidHerbert.“Here’syourticket.Putitinyourwaistcoatpocketnow.”
“ButIhaven’tgotawaistcoaton,silly.”
“ButIhaven’tgotawaistcoaton,silly.”
“Whichoneareyougoingtoputon?”
“Idon’tknowyet.Thisisamatterwhichrequiresthought.Givemetime,givemeair.”
“Well,Ishallputthetickethereonthedressing-table,andthenyoucan’tmissit.”Helookedathiswatch.“Andthetrapstartsinhalfanhour.”
“Help!”Icried,andIleaptoutofbed.
HalfanhourlaterIwassayinggood-byetoHerbert.
“I’vehadanawfullyjollytime,”Isaid,“andI’llcomeagain.”
“You’vegottheticketallright?”
“Rather!”andIdroveawayamidstcheers.Cheersofsorrow.
Itwashalfanhour’sdrivetothestation.ForthefirsttenminutesIthoughthowsickeningitwastobeleavingthecountry;thenIhadaslightshock;andforthenexttwentyminutesItriedtorememberhowmuchathirdsingletothenearestpartofLondoncost.BecauseIhadleftmyticketonthedressing-tableafterall.
Igavemyluggagetoaporterandwentofftothestation-master.
“Iwonderifyoucanhelpme,”Isaid.“I’veleftmyreturnticketonthedress—Well,weneedn’tworryaboutthat,I’veleftitathome.”
Hedidn’tseemintenselyexcited.
“Whatdidyouthinkofdoing?”heasked.
“IhadratherhopedthatYOUwoulddosomething.”
“Youcanbuyanotherticket,andgetthemoneybackafterwards.”
“Yes,yes;butcanI?I’veonlygotaboutonepoundsix.”
“ThefaretoLondonisonepoundfiveandtenpenceha’penny.”
“Ah;well,thatleavesapennyha’pennytobedividedbetweentheporterthisend,lunch,tea,theportertheotherend,andthecab.Idon’tbelieveit’senough.EvenifIgaveitalltotheporterhere,thinkhowreproachfullyhewouldlookatyoueverafterwards.Itwouldhauntyou.”
Thestation-masterwasevidentlymoved.Hethoughtforamoment,andthenaskedifIknewanybodywhowouldvouchforme.ImentionedHerbertconfidently.HehadneverevenheardofHerbert.
“I’vegotatie-pin,”Isaid(station-mastershaveaweaknessfortie-pins),“andawatchandacigarettecase.Ishallbehappytolendyouanyofthose.”
Theideadidn’tappealtohim.
“Thebestthingyoucando,”hesaid,“istotakeatickettothenextstationandtalktothemthere.Thisisonlyabranchline,andIhavenopowertogiveyouapass.”
SothatwaswhatIhadtodo.Ibegantoseemyselftakingaticketateverystopandappealingtothestation-masteratthenext.Well,themoneywouldlastlongerthatway,butunlessIcouldovercomequicklythedistrustwhichIseemedtoinspireinstation-masterstherewouldnotbemuchleftforlunch.IgavetheporterallIcouldafford—aha’penny,mentionedapologeticallythatIwascomingback,andsteppedintothetrain.
AtthejunctionIjumpedoutquicklyanddivedintothesacredoffice.
“I’veleftmyticketonthedressing—thatistosayIforgot—well,anyhowIhaven’tgotit,”Ibegan,andweplungedintoexplanationsoncemore.Thisstation-masterwasevenmoreunemotionalthanthelast.HeaskedmeifIknewanybodywhocouldvouchforme—ImentionedHerbertdiffidently.HehadneverevenheardofHerbert.Ishowedhimmygoldwatch,mysilvercigarettecase,andmyemeraldanddiamondtie-pin—thatwasthesortofmanIwas.
“Thebestthingyoucando,”hesaid,walkingwithmetothedoor,”istotakeatickettoPlymouthandspeaktothestation-masterthere—”
“Thisisamostinterestinggame,”Isaidbitterly.“Whatis‘home’?Whenyouspeaktothestation-masteratLondon,Isuppose?I’veagoodmindtosay‘Snap!’”
ExtremelyannoyedIstrodeout,andbumpedinto—you’llneverguess—Herbert!
“Ah,hereyouare,”hepanted;“Irodeafteryou—thetrainwasjustgoing—jumpedintoit—beenlookingalloverthestationforyou.”
“It’sawfullyniceofyou,Herbert.Didn’tIsaygood-bye?”
“Yourticket.”Heproducedit.“Leftitonthedressing-table.”Hetookadeepbreath.“Itoldyouyouwould.”
“Blessyou,”Isaid,asIgothappilyintomytrain.“You’vesavedmylife.I’vehadanawfultime.Isay,doyouknow,I’vemettwostation-mastersalreadythismorningwho’veneverevenheardofyou.Youmustinquireintoit.”
Atthatmomentaportercameup.
“Didyougiveupyourticket,sir?”heaskedHerbert.
“Ihadn’ttimetogetone,”saidHerbert,quiteathisease.“I’llpaynow,”andhebegantofeelinhispockets….Thetrainmovedoutofthestation.
AlookofhorrorcameoverHerbert’sface.Iknewwhatitmeant.Hehadn’tanymoneyonhim.“Hi!”heshoutedtome,andthenweswungroundabendoutofsight….
Well,well,he’llhavetogethomesomehow.Hiswatchisonlynickelandhiscigarettecaseleather,butluckilythatsortofthingdoesn’tweighmuchwithstation-masters.Whattheywantisawell-knownnameasareference.HerbertisbetteroffthanIwas:hecangivethemMYname.Itwillbeidleforthemtopretendthattheyhaveneverheardofme.
THEDOCTOR
“MayIlookatmywatch?”Iaskedmypartner,breakingasilencewhichhadlastedfromthebeginningofthewaltz.
“Oh,HAVEyougotawatch?”shedrawled.“Howexciting!”
“Iwasn’tgoingtoshowittoyou,”Isaid,“ButIalwaysthinkitlookssobadforamantoremovehisarmfromalady’swaistinordertolookathiswatch—Imeanwithoutsomesortofapologyorexplanation.Asthoughhewerewonderingifhecouldpossiblystickanotherfiveminutesofit.”
“Letmeknowwhentheapologyisbeginning,”saidMissWhite.Perhaps,afterall,hernamewasn’tWhite,but,anyhow,shewasdressedinwhite,andit’sherownfaultifwrongimpressionsarise.
“Itbeginsatonce.I’vegottocatchatrainhome.There’soneat12.45,Ibelieve.IfIstartednowIcouldjustmissit.”
“Youdon’tliveintheseNorthernHeightsthen?”
“No.Doyou?”
“Yes.”
Ilookedatmywatchagain.
“IshouldlovetodiscusswithyoutherelativeadvantagesofLondonandGreaterLondon,”Isaid;“theflatsandcatsofoneandthebiggardensoftheother.ButjustatthemomenttheonlythingIcanthinkofiswhetherIshalllikethewalkhome.Arethereanydangerouspassestocross?”
“It’sanicewetnightforawalk,”saidMissWhitereflectively.
“IfonlyIhadbroughtmybicycle.”
“AwatchANDabicycle!YouARElucky!”
“Lookhere,itmaybeajoketoyou,butIdon’tfancymyselfcomingdownthemountainsatnight.”
“Thelasttraingoesatoneo’clock,ifthat’sanygoodtoyou.”
“Allthegoodintheworld,”Isaidjoyfully.“ThenIneedn’twalk.”Ilookedatmywatch.“Thatgivesusfiveminutesmore.Icouldalmosttellyouallaboutmyselfinthetime.”
“Itgenerallytakeslongerthanthat,”saidMissWhite.“Atleastitseemsto.”Shesighedandadded,“Mypartnershavebeenveryautobiographicalto-night.”
Ilookedatherseverely.
“I’mafraidyou’reaSuffragette,”Isaid.
AssoonasthenextdancebeganIhurriedofftofindmyhostess.Ihadjustcaughtsightofher,when—
“Ourdance,isn’tit?”saidavoice.
Iturnedandrecognizedagirlinblue.
“Ah,”Isaid,coldlycheerful,“Iwasjustlookingforyou.Comealong.”
Webrokeintoagayandhappystep,suggestiveoftwinheartsutterlyfreefromcare.
“Whydoyoulooksothoughtful?”askedthegirlinblueaftertenminutesofit.
“I’vejustheardsomegoodnews,”Isaid.
“Oh,dotellme!”
“Idon’tknowifitwouldreallyinterestyou.”
“I’msureitwould.”
“Well,severalmilesfromheretheremaybeatram,ifonecanfindit,whichgoesnobodyquiteknowswhereuptillone-thirtyinthemorningprobably.Itisnow,”Iadded,lookingatmywatch(Iwasgettingquitegoodatthis),“justononeo’clockandraininghard.Alliswell.”
oneo’clockandraininghard.Alliswell.”
Thedanceover,Isearchedinvainformyhostess.EveryminuteItookoutmywatchandseemedtofeelthatanothertramwasjuststartingofftosomeunknowndestination.AtlastIcouldbearitnolongerand,decidingtowritealetterofexplanationonthemorrow,Idashedoff.
MyinstructionsfromMissWhitewithregardtothehabitatoftrams(throwninbyheratthelastmomentincasethetrainfailedme)werevague.Fiveminutes’walkconvincedmethatIhadcompletelylostanygoodthattheymighteverhavebeentome.Instinctandcommonsenseweretheonlyguidesleft.Imustsettledowntosomeheavydetectivework.
Thesteadyrainhadwashedoutanyfootprintsthatmighthavebeenofassistance,andIwasunabletofollowuptheslotofatramconductorofwhichIhaddiscoveredtracesinTwo-hundred-and-fifty-firstStreet.InThree-thousand-eight-hundred-and-ninety-seventhStreetIlaywithmyeartothegroundandlistenedintently,forIseemedtohearthetingtingoftheelectriccar,butnothingcameofit;andinFour-millionthStreetImadeanewresolution.IdecidedtogiveuplookingfortramsandtosearchinsteadforLondon—theLondonthatIknew.
IfeltprettycertainthatIwasstillinoneoftheHomeCounties,andIdidnotseemtorememberhavingcrossedtheThames,sothatifonlyIcouldfindastarwhichpointedtothesouthIwasinafairwaytogethome.Isetouttolookforastar;withthenaturalresultthat,havingabandonedallhopeoffindingaman,Iimmediatelyranintohim.
“Nowthen,”hesaidgood-naturedly.
“Couldyoutellmethewayto—”ItriedtothinkofsomeplacenearmyLondon—“toWestminsterAbbey?”
Helookedatmeinastonishment.HisfeelingseemedtobethatIwastoolatefortheCoronationandtooearlyforthemorningservice.
“Or—oranywhere,”Isaidhurriedly.“Trams,forinstance.”
Hepointednervouslytotherightanddisappeared.
Imaginemyjoy;thereweretram-lines,and,betterstill,atramapproaching.I
Imaginemyjoy;thereweretram-lines,and,betterstill,atramapproaching.Itumbledin,gavetheconductorapenny,andgotaworkman’sticketinexchange.Tenminuteslaterwereachedtheterminus.
Ihadwonderedwhereweshouldarrive,whetherGray’sInnRoadorSouthamptonRow,butdidn’tmuchmindsolongasIwasagainwithinreachofacab.However,assoonasIsteppedoutofthetram,IknewatoncewhereIwas.
“Tellme,”Isaidtotheconductor;“doyounowgobackagain?”
“Intenminutes.There’satramfromhereeveryhalf-hour.”
“Whenisthelast?”
“There’snolast.Backwardsandforwardsallnight.”
Ishouldhavelikedtostopandsympathize,butitwasgettinglate.Iwalkedahundredyardsupthehillandturnedtotheright….AsIenteredthegatesIcouldhearthesoundofmusic.
“Isn’tthisourdance?”IsaidtoMissWhite,whowastakingabreatheratthehalldoor.“Onemoment,”Iadded,andIgotoutofmycoatandumbrella.
“Isit?Ithoughtyou’dgone.”
“Ohno,Idecidedtostayafterall.Ifoundoutthatthetramsgoallnight.”
Wewalkedintogether.
“Iwon’tbemoreautobiographicalthanIcanhelp,”Isaid,“butImustsayit’sahardlife,adoctor’s.Oneiscalledawayinthemiddleofadancetoadifficultcaseof—ofmumpsorsomething,and—well,thereyouare.Adelightfuleveningspoilt.Ifoneislucky,onemaygetbackintimeforawaltzortwoattheend.
“Indeed,”Isaid,aswebegantodance;“atonetimeto-nightIquitethoughtIwasn’tgoingtogetbackhereatall.”
THETHINGSTHATMATTER
RONALD,surveyingtheworldfromhistaxi—thatpleasantcorneroftheworld,StJames’sPark—gaveasighofhappiness.Thebluesky,thelawnofdaffodils,themistofgreenuponthetreeswerebutapromiseofthebetterthingswhichthecountryheldforhim.Beautifulashethoughtthedaffodils,hefoundforthemomentanevengreaterbeautyintheGladstonebagsathisfeet.Hiseyeswanderedfromonetotheother,andhisheartsangtohim,“I’mgoingaway—I’mgoingaway—I’mgoingaway.”
Thetrainwasadvertisedtogoat2.22,andat2.20RonaldjoinedtheEasterholidaycrowdupontheplatform.Aporterputdownhisluggageandwasthenswallowedupinaseaofperambulatorsandflusteredparents.Ronaldneversawhimagain.At2.40,amidstsomeapplause,thetraincamein.
Ronaldseizedalostporter.
“Justputtheseinforme,”hesaid.“Afirstsmoker.”
“Allthislotyours,sir?”
“Thethreebags—notthemilk-cans,”saidRonald.
Ithadbeenabeautifuldaybefore,butwhenafamilyofsixteenwhichjoinedRonaldinhiscarriagewasruthlesslyhauledoutbytheguard,thesunseemedtoshinewithawarmthmorecaressingthanever.Evenwhenthetrainmovedoutofthestation,andthechildrenwhohadbeenmislaidemergedfromtheirhiding-placesandwerebundledinanywherebythemarriedporters,Ronaldstillremainedsplendidlyalone…andtheskytookonyetadeepershadeofblue.
Helaybackinhiscorner,thinking.Foratimehismindwasoccupiedwiththethoughtscommontomostofuswhenwegoaway—thoughtsofallthethingswehaveforgottentopack.Idon’tthinkyoucouldfairlyhavecalledRonaldover-anxiousaboutclothes.Herecognizedthatitwastheinnervirtueswhichcounted;thatawell-dressedexteriorwasnothingwithoutsomegracesofmindorbody.Butatthesametimehedidfeelstronglythat,ifyouaregoingtostayatahousewhereyouhavenevervisitedbefore,andifyouareparticularlyanxioustomakeagoodimpression,itISapitythatanaccidentofpackingshouldforceyoutoappearatdinneringreenknickerbockersandsomebodyelse’svelvetsmoking-
appearatdinneringreenknickerbockersandsomebodyelse’svelvetsmoking-jacket.
Ronaldcouldn’thelpfeelingthathehadforgottensomething.Itwasn’tthesparesponge;itwasn’ttheextrashaving-brush;itwasn’tthesecondpairofbedroomslippers.Justforamomentthesunwentbehindacloudashewonderedifhehadincludedthereserverazor-strop;butno,hedistinctlyrememberedpackingthat.
Thereasonforhisvaguefeelingofunrestwasthis.Hehadbeeninterruptedwhilegettingreadythatafternoon;andasheleftwhateverhehadbeendoinginordertospeaktohishousekeeperhehadsaidtohimself,“Ifyou’renotcareful,you’llforgetaboutthatwhenyoucomeback.”Andnowhecouldnotrememberwhatitwashehadbeendoing,norwhetherheHADintheendforgottentogoonwithit.Washeselectinghisties,orbrushinghishair,or—
Thecountrywasappearingfieldbyfield;thetrainrushedthroughcuttingsgaywithspringflowers;bluewastheskybetweenthebabyclouds…butitallmissedRonald.WhatCOULDhehaveforgotten?
Hewentoverthedaysthatwerecoming;hewentthroughallthechangesoftoiletthatthehoursmightbring.Hehadpackedthisandthisandthisandthis—hewasallrightfortheevening.Supposingtheyplayedgolf?…Hewasallrightforgolf.Hemightwanttoride….Hewouldbeabletoride.Itwastooearlyforlawn-tennis,but…well,anyhow,hehadputinflannels.
Asheconsideredallthepossibleclothesthathemightwant,itreallyseemedthathehadprovidedforeverything.Ifheliked,hecouldgotochurchonFridaymorning;huntottersfromtwelvetooneonSaturday;tobogganordigforbadgersonMonday.Hehadthedifferentsuitsnecessaryforthosewhoattendawater-polomeeting,whoplaychess,orwhogooutaftermothswithapotoftreacle.Andeven,inthelastresort,hecouldgotobed.
Yes,hewasallright.HehadpackedEVERYTHING;moreover,hishairwasbrushedandhehadnosmutuponhisface.Withasighofreliefheloweredthewindowandhissouldrankinthebeautifulafternoon.“Wearegoingaway—wearegoingaway—wearegoingaway,”sangthetrain.
AttheprettiestofwaysidestationsthetrainstoppedandRonaldgotout.Therewerehorsestomeethim.“Betterthanacar,”thoughtRonald,“onanafternoonlikethis.”Theluggagewascollected—“Nothingleftout,”hechuckledtohimself,andwasseizedwithaninsanedesiretotellthecoach-manso;andthen
himself,andwasseizedwithaninsanedesiretotellthecoach-manso;andthentheydroveoffthroughthefreshgreenhedgerows,Ronaldtryinghardnottocheer.
Hishostwasatthedoorastheyarrived.Ronald,ashappyasachild,jumpedoutandshookhimwarmlybythehand,andtoldhimwhataheavenlydayitwas;receivingwithsmilesofpleasurethenewsinreturnthatitwasalmostlikesummer.
“You’rejustintimefortea.Really,wemighthaveitinthegarden.”
“ByJove,wemight,”saidRonald,beaming.
However,theyhaditinthehall,withthedoorswideopen.Ronald,sittinglazilywithhislegsstretchedoutandacupofteainhishands,andfeelingalreadyonthefriendliesttermswitheverybody,wonderedagainatthedifferencewhichtheweathercouldmaketoone’shappiness.
“Youknow,”hesaidtothegirlonhisright,“onadaylikethis,NOTHINGseemstomatter.”
Andthensuddenlyheknewthathewaswrong;forhehaddiscoveredwhatitwaswhichhehadtoldhimselfnottoforget…whatitwaswhichhehadindeedforgotten.
Andsuddenlythebirdsstoppedsingingandtherewasabitterchillintheair.
Andthesunwentviolentlyout.
…….
Hewaswearingonlyhalfapairofspats.
STORIESOFSUCCESSFULLIVES
THESOLICITOR
Theofficewasatitsbusiest,foritwasFridayafternoon.JohnBluntleantbackinhiscomfortablechairandtoyedwiththekeyofthesafe,whilehetriedtorealizehisnewposition.He,JohnBlunt,wasjuniorpartnerinthegreatLondonfirmofMacnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton&Macnaughton!
Heclosedhiseyes,andhisthoughtswanderedbacktothedaywhenhehadfirstenteredthedoorsofthefirmasoneoftwohundredandseventy-eightapplicantsforthepostofoffice-boy.Theyhadbeeninterviewedinbatches,andoldMrSanderson,theseniorpartner,hadtakenthefirstbatch.
“Ilikeyourface,myboy,”hehadsaidheartilytoJohn.
“AndIlikeyours,”repliedJohn,nottobeoutdoneinpoliteness.
“NowIwonderifyoucanspell‘mortgage’?”
“One‘m’?”saidJohntentatively.
MrSandersonwasdelightedwiththelad’sknowledge,andengagedhimatonce.
ForthreeyearsJohnhaddonehisdutyfaithfully.Duringthistimehehadsavedthefirmmorethanoncebyhisreadiness—particularlyononeoccasion,whenhehadcalledoldMrSanderson’sattentiontothefactthathehadsignedalettertoafirmofstockbrokers,“YourlovinghusbandMacnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton&Macnaughton.”MrSanderson,alwaysalittleabsentminded,correctedtheerror,andpromisedtheboyhisarticles.FiveyearslaterJohnBluntwasasolicitor.
Andnowhewasactuallyjuniorpartnerinthefirm—thefirmofwhichitwassaidintheCity,“IfamanhasMacnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton&Macnaughtonbehindhim,heisallright.”TheCityisalwayscoiningpithylittleepigramslikethis.
coiningpithylittleepigramslikethis.
Therewasaknockatthedooroftheinquiryofficeandaprosperous-lookinggentlemancamein.
“CanIseeMrMacnaughton,”hesaidpolitelytotheoffice-boy.
“Thereisn’tnoMrMacnaughton,”repliedthelatter.“Theyalldiedyearsago.”
“Well,well,canIseeoneofthepartners?”
“Youcan’tseeMrSanderson,becausehe’shavinghislunch,”saidtheboy.“MrThorpehasn’tcomebackfromlunchyet,MrPetershasjustgoneouttolunch,MrWilliamsisexpectedbackfromluncheveryminute,MrGourlaywentouttolunchanhourago,MrBeamish—”
“Tut,tut,isn’tanybodyin?”
“MrBluntisin,”saidtheboy,andtookupthetelephone.“IfyouwaitamomentI’llseeifhe’sawake.”
HalfanhourlaterMrMasterswasshownintoJohnBlunt’sroom.
“I’msorryIwasengaged,”saidJohn.“Amostimportantclient.Now,whatcanIdoforyou,Mr—er—Masters?”
“Iwishtomakemywill.”
“Byallmeans,”saidJohncordially.
“Ihaveonlyonechild,towhomIintendtoleaveallmymoney.”
“Ha!”saidJohn,withafrown.“Thiswillbealengthyanddifficultbusiness.”
“Butyoucandoit?”askedMrMastersanxiously.“Theytoldmeatthehairdresser’sthatMacnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton&MacnaughtonwasthecleverestfirminLondon.”
“Wecandoit,”saidJohnsimply,“butitwillrequireallourcare;andIthinkitwouldbebestifIweretocomeandstaywithyoufortheweek-end.Wecouldgointoitproperlythen.”
“Thankyou,”saidMrMasters,claspingtheother’shand.“Iwasjustgoingtosuggestit.Mymotor-carisoutside.Letusgoatonce.”
“Iwillfollowyouinamoment,”saidJohn,andpausingonlytosnatchahandfulofmoneyfromthesafeforincidentalexpenses,andtotelltheboythathewouldbebackonMonday,hepickedupthewell-filledweek-endbagwhichhealwayskeptready,andhurriedaftertheother.
InsidethecarMrMasterswasconfidential.
“Mydaughter,”hesaid,“comesofageto-morrow.”
“Oh,it’sadaughter?”saidJohn,insurprise.“Isshepretty?”
“Sheisconsideredtobetheprettiestgirlinthecounty.”
“Really?”saidJohn.Hethoughtamoment,andadded,“Canwestopatapost-office?Imustsendanimportantbusinesstelegram.”Hetookoutaformandwrote:
“Macmacmacmacmac,London.ShallnotbebacktillWednesday.—BLUNT.”
Thecarstoppedandthenspedonagain.
“Amyhasneverbeenanytroubletome,”saidMrMasters,“butIamgettingoldnow,andIwouldgiveathousandpoundstoseeherhappilymarried.”
“Towhomwouldyougiveit,”askedJohn,whippingouthispocket-book.
“Tut,tut,amerefigureofspeech.ButIwouldsettleahundredthousandpoundsonheronthewedding-day.”
“Indeed?”saidJohnthoughtfully.“Canwestopatanotherpost-office?”headded,bringingouthisfountain-penagain.Hetookoutasecondtelegraphformandwrote:
“Macmacmacmacmac,London.ShallnotbebacktillFriday.—BLUNT.”
Thecardashedonagain,andanhourlaterarriveditacommodiousmansionstandinginitsownwell-timberedgroundsofupwardsofseveralacres.Atthefront-dooragracefulfigurewasstanding.
front-dooragracefulfigurewasstanding.
“Mysolicitor,dear,MrBlunt,”saidMrMasters.
“Itisverygoodofyoutocomeallthiswayonmyfather’sbusiness,”shesaidshyly.
“Notatall,”saidJohn.“Aweekor—orafortnight—or—”helookedatheragain—“or—threeweeks,andthethingisdone.”
“Ismakingawillsoverydifficult?”
“It’saverytrickyandcomplicatedaffairindeed.However,Ithinkweshallpullitoff.Er—mightIsendanimportantbusinesstelegram?”
“Macmacmacmacmac,London,”wroteJohn.“Veryknottycase.Dateofreturnuncertain.Pleasesendmorecashforincidentalexpenses.—BLUNT.”
…….
Yes,youhaveguessedwhathappened.Itisaneverydayexperienceinasolicitor’slife.JohnBluntandAmyMastersweremarriedatStGeorge’s,HanoverSquare,lastMay.Theweddingwasaquietone,owingtomourninginthebride’sfamily—theresultofatoosuddenperusalofMacnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton&Macnaughton’sbillofcosts.AsMrMasterssaidwithhisexpiringbreath—hedidn’tmindpayingforourMrBlunt’sskill;noryetforourMrBlunt’svaluabletime—evenifmostofitwasspentincourtingAmy;nor,again,forourMrBlunt’stipstotheservants;buthedidobjecttobeingchargedthefirst-classrailwayfarebothwayswhenourMrBlunthadcomedownandgoneupagaininthecar.AndperhapsIoughttoaddthatthatisthedrawbacktothisfineprofession.Oneissooftenmisunderstood.
THEPAINTER
MRPAULSAMWAYSwasinamoodofdeepdepression.Theartistictemperamentispeculiarlysubjecttothesemoods,butinPaul’scasetherewasreasonwhyheshouldtakeagloomyviewofthings.Hismasterpiece,“TheShotTowerfromBatterseaBridge,”togetherwiththecompanionpicture,“BatterseaBridgefromtheShotTower,”hadbeenpurchasedbyadealerforseventeenandsixpence.Hissepiamonochrome,“Night,”hadbroughthimanI.O.U.forfiveshillings.Thesewerehissoleearningsforthelastsixweeks,andstarvationstaredhimintheface.
“IfonlyIhadalittlecapital!”hecriedaloudindespair.“EnoughtosupportmeuntilmyAcademypictureisfinished.”HisAcademypicturewasamasterlystudyentitled,“Rollon,thoudeepanddarkblueocean,roll,”andhehadbeencompelledtostophalf-wayacrosstheChannelthroughsheerlackofultramarine.
Theclockstrucktwo,remindinghimthathehadnotlunched.Herosewearilyandwenttothelittlecupboardwhichservedasalarder.Therewasbutlittletheretomakeasatisfyingmeal—halfaloafofbread,acornerofcheese,andasmalltubeofChinese-white.Mechanicallyhesetthethingsout….
Hehadfinished,andwasclearingaway,whentherecameaknockatthedoor.Hischarwoman,whosedutyitwastocleanhisbrusheseveryweek,cameinwithacard.
“Aladytoseeyou,sir,”shesaid.
Paulreadthecardinastonishment.
“TheDuchessofWinchester,”heexclaimed.“Whatonearth—Showherin,please.”Hastilypickingupabrushandthefirsttubewhichcametohand,heplacedhimselfinadramaticpositionbeforehiseaselandsettowork.
“Howdoyoudo,MrSamways?”saidthe
“Howdoyoudo,MrSamways?”saidthe
Duchess.
“G—good-afternoon,”saidPaul,embarrassedbothbythepresenceofaduchessinhisstudioandbyhissuddendiscoverythathewastouchingupasunsetwithatubeofcarbolictooth-paste.
“Ourmutualfriend,LordErnestTopwood,recommendedmetocometoyou.”
Paul,whohadnevermetLordErnest,buthadonceseenhisnameinaha’pennypaperbeneathaphotographofMrArnoldBennett,bowedsilently.
“Asyouprobablyguess,Iwantyoutopaintmydaughter’sportrait.”
Paulopenedhismouthtosaythathewasonlyalandscapepainter,andthencloseditagain.Afterall,itwashardlyfairtobotherherGracewithtechnicalities.
“Ihopeyoucanundertakethiscommission,”shesaidpleadingly.
“Ishallbedelighted,”saidPaul.“Iamratherbusyjustnow,butIcouldbeginattwoo’clockonMonday.”
“Excellent,”saidtheDuchess.“TillMonday,then.”AndPaul,stillclutchingthetooth-paste,conductedhertohercarriage.
Punctuallyat3.15onMondayLadyHermioneappeared.Pauldrewadeepbreathofastonishmentwhenhesawher,forshewaslovelybeyondcompare.Allhisskillasalandscapepainterwouldbeneededifheweretodojusticetoherbeauty.Asquicklyaspossibleheplacedherinpositionandsettowork.
“MayIletmyfacegoforamoment?”saidLadyHermioneafterthreehoursofit.
“Yes,letusstop,”saidPaul.Hehadoutlinedherincharcoalandburntcork,anditwouldbetoodarktodoanymorethatevening.
“TellmewhereyoufirstmetLordErnest?”sheaskedasshecamedowntothefire.
“AttheSavoy,inJune,”saidPaulboldly.
“AttheSavoy,inJune,”saidPaulboldly.
LadyHermionelaughedmerrily.Paul,whohadnotregardedhislastremarkasoneofhisbestthings,lookedatherinsurprise.
“ButyourportraitofhimwasintheAcademyinMay!”shesmiled.
Paulmadeuphismindquickly.
“LadyHermione,”hesaidwithgravity,“donotspeaktomeofLordErnestagain.Nor,”headdedhurriedly,“toLordErnestofme.WhenyourpictureisfinishedIwilltellyouwhy.Nowitistimeyouwent.”HewoketheDuchessup,andmadeafewcommonplaceremarksabouttheweather.“Remember,”hewhisperedtoLadyHermioneashesawthemtotheircar.Shenoddedandsmiled.
Thesittingswentondaily.SometimesPaulwouldpaintrapidlywithgreatsweepsofthebrush;sometimeshewouldspendanhourtryingtogetonhispalettetheexactshadeofgreenbiceforthefamousWinchesteremeralds;sometimesindespairhewouldtakeaspongeandwipethewholepictureout,andthenstartmadlyagain.AndsometimeshewouldstopworkaltogetherandtellLadyHermioneabouthishome-lifeinWorcestershire.Butalways,whenhewoketheDuchessupattheendofthesitting,hewouldsay,“Remember!”andLadyHermionewouldnodbackathim.
Itwasaspring-likedayinMarchwhenthepicturewasfinished,andnothingremainedtodobuttopaintinthesignature.
“Itisbeautiful!”saidLadyHermione,withenthusiasm.“Beautiful!Isitatalllikeme?”
Paullookedfromhertothepicture,andbacktoheragain.
“No,”hesaid,“notabit.Youknow,Iamreallyalandscapepainter.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”shecried.“YouarePeterSamways,A.R.A.,thefamousportraitpainter!”
“No,”hesaidsadly.“Thatwasmysecret.IamPaulSamways.AmemberoftheAmateurRowingAssociation,itistrue,butonlyanunknownlandscapepainter.PeterSamwayslivesinthenextstudio,andheisnotevenarelation.”
“Thenyouhavedeceivedme!Youhavebroughtmehereunderfalsepretences!”Shestampedherfootangrily.“Myfatherwillnotbuythatpicture,andIforbidyoutoexhibititasaportraitofmyself.”
“MydearLadyHermione,”saidPaul,“youneednotbealarmed.Iproposetoexhibitthepictureas‘WhentheHeartisYoung.’Nobodywillrecognizealikenesstoyouinit.AndiftheDukedoesnotbuyitIhavenodoubtthatsomeotherpurchaserwillcomealong.”
LadyHermionelookedathimthoughtfully.“Whydidyoudoit?”sheaskedgently.
“BecauseIfellinlovewithyou.”
Shedroppedhereyes,andthenraisedthemgailytohis.“Motherisstillasleep,”shewhispered.
“Hermione!”hecried,droppinghispaletteandputtinghisbrushbehindhisear.
Sheheldoutherarmstohim.
…….
Aseverybodyremembers,“WhentheHeartisYoung,”byPaulSamways,wasthefeatureoftheExhibition.Itwasboughtfor10,000poundsbyaretiredbottlemanufacturer,whomitremindedalittleofhislatemother.Paulwoketofindhimselffamous.Butthesuccesswhichbeganforhimfromthisdaydidnotspoilhissimpleandgenerousnature.Heneverforgothisbrotherartists,whosefeetwerenotyetonthetopoftheladder.Indeed,oneofhisfirstactsafterhewasmarriedwastogiveacommissiontoPeterSamways,A.R.A.—nothinglessthanthepaintingofhiswife’sportrait.AndLadyHermionewasdelightedwiththeresult.
THEBARRISTER
TheNewBaileywascrowdedwithagayandfashionablethrong.Itwasaremarkablecaseofshop-lifting.AuroraDelaine,nineteen,waschargedwithfeloniouslystealingandconveyingcertainarticles,thepropertyoftheUniversalStores,towitthirty-fiveyardsofbockmuslin,tenpairsofgloves,asponge,twogimlets,fivejarsofcoldcream,acopyoftheClergyList,threehat-guards,amariner’scompass,aboxofdrawing-pins,anegg-breaker,sixblouses,andacabman’swhistle.ThethefthadbeenprovedbyAlbertJobson,ashopwalker,whogaveevidencetotheeffectthathefollowedherthroughthedifferentdepartmentsandsawhertakethethingsmentionedintheindictment.
“Justamoment,”interruptedtheJudge.“Whoisdefendingtheprisoner?”
Therewasanunexpectedsilence.RupertCarleton,whohaddroppedidlyintocourt,lookedroundinsuddenexcitement.Thepoorgirlhadnocounsel!Whatifhe—yes,hewouldseizethechance!Hestoodupboldly.“Iam,mylord,”hesaid.
RupertCarletonwasstillinthetwenties,buthehadbeenabrieflessbarristerforsomeyears.Yet,thoughbriefswouldnotcome,hehadbeenveryfarfromidle.HehadstoodforParliamentinboththeConservativeandLiberalinterests(nottomentionhisown),hehadwrittenhalfadozenunproducedplays,andhewasengagedtobemarried.Butsuccessinhisownprofessionhadbeendelayed.Nowatlastwashisopportunity.
Hepulledhiswigdownfirmlyoverhisears,tookoutapairofpince-nezandrosetocross-examine.Itwasthecross-examinationwhichwastomakehimfamous,thecross-examinationwhichisnowgivenasamodelineverylegaltext-book.
“MrJobson,”hebegansuavely,“yousaythatyousawtheaccusedstealthesevariousarticles,andthattheywereafterwardsfounduponher?”
“Yes.”
“Iputittoyou,”saidRupert,andwaitedintentlyfortheanswer,“thatthatisa
“Iputittoyou,”saidRupert,andwaitedintentlyfortheanswer,“thatthatisapureinventiononyourpart?”
“No.”
WithasuperhumaneffortRuperthidhisdisappointment.Unexpectedastheanswerwas,hepreservedhisimpassivity.
“Isuggest,”hetriedagain,“thatyoufollowedheraboutandconcealedthiscollectionofthingsinhercloakwithaviewtoadvertisingyourwintersale?”
“No.Isawherstealthem.”
Rupertfrowned;themanseemedimpervioustothesimplestsuggestion.Withmasterlydecisionhetappedhispince-nezandfellbackuponhisthirdlineofdefence.“Yousawherstealthem?Whatyoumeanisthatyousawhertakethemfromthedifferentcountersandputtheminherbag?”
“Yes.”
“Withtheintentionofpayingforthemintheordinaryway?”
“No.”
“Pleasebeverycareful.Yousaidinyourevidencethattheprisoner,whentoldshewouldbecharged,cried,‘TothinkthatIshouldhavecometothis!Willnoonesaveme?’Isuggestthatshewentuptoyouwithhercollectionofpurchases,pulledoutherpurse,andsaid,‘Whatdoesallthiscometo?Ican’tgetanyonetoserveme.’”
“No.”
Theobstinacyofsomepeople!Rupertputbackhispince-nezinhispocketandbroughtoutanotherpair.Thehistoriccross-examinationcontinued.
“Wewillletthatpassforthemoment,”hesaid.HeconsultedasheetofpaperandthenlookedsternlyatMrJobson.“MrJobson,howmanytimeshaveyoubeenmarried?”
“Once.”
“Quiteso.”Hehesitatedandthendecidedtoriskit.“Isuggestthatyourwifeleft
“Quiteso.”Hehesitatedandthendecidedtoriskit.“Isuggestthatyourwifeleftyou?”
“Yes.”
Itwasalongshot,butonceagaintheboldcoursehadpaid.Rupertheavedasighofrelief.
“Willyoutellthegentlemenofthejury,”hesaidwithdeadlypoliteness,“WHYsheleftyou?”
“Shedied.”
Alessermanmighthavebeenembarrassed,butRupert’sironnervedidnotfailhim.
“Exactly!”hesaid.“AndwasthatorwasthatnotonthenightwhenyouwereturnedoutoftheHampsteadParliamentforintoxication?”
“Ineverwas.”
“Indeed?WillyoucastyourmindbacktothenightofApril24th,1897?Whatwereyoudoingonthatnight?”
“Ihavenoidea,”saidJobson,aftercastinghismindbackandwaitinginvainforsomeresult.
“InthatcaseyoucannotswearthatyouwerenotbeingturnedoutoftheHampsteadParliament—”
“ButIneverbelongedtoit.”
Rupertleapedatthedamagingadmission.
“What?YoutoldtheCourtthatyoulivedatHampstead,andyetyousaythatyouneverbelongedtotheHampsteadParliament?IsTHATyourideaofpatriotism?”
“IsaidIlivedatHackney.”
“TotheHackneyParliament,Ishouldsay.IamsuggestingthatyouwereturnedoutoftheHackneyParliamentfor—”
outoftheHackneyParliamentfor—”
“Idon’tbelongtothateither.”
“Exactly!”saidRuperttriumphantly.“Havingbeenturnedoutforintoxication?”
“Andneverdidbelong.”
“Indeed?MayItakeitthenthatyouprefertospendyoureveningsinthepublic-house?”
“Ifyouwanttoknow,”saidJobsonangrily,“IbelongtotheHackneyChessCircle,andthattakesupmostofmyevenings.”
Rupertgaveasighofsatisfactionandturnedtothejury.
“AtLAST,gentlemen,wehavegotit.Ithoughtweshouldarriveatthetruthintheend,inspiteofMrJobson’sprevarications.”Heturnedtothewitness.“Now,sir,”hesaidsternly,“youhavealreadytoldtheCourtthatyouhavenoideawhatyouweredoingonthenightofApril24th,1897.IputittoyouoncemorethatthisblanknessofmemoryisduetothefactthatyouwereinastateofintoxicationonthepremisesoftheHackneyChessCircle.Canyouswearonyouroaththatthisisnotso?”
Amurmurofadmirationfortherelentlesswayinwhichthetruthhadbeentrackeddownranthroughthecourt.Rupertdrewhimselfupandputonbothpairsofpince-nezatonce.
“Come,sir!”hesaid,“thejuryiswaiting.”ButitwasnotAlbertJobsonwhoanswered.Itwasthecounselfortheprosecution.“Mylord,”hesaid,gettingupslowly,“thishascomeasacompletesurprisetome.Inthecircumstances,Imustadvisemyclientstowithdrawfromthecase.”
“Averyproperdecision,”saidhislordship.“Theprisonerisdischargedwithoutastainonhercharacter.”
…….
BriefspouredinuponRupertnextday,andhewasengagedforallthebigChancerycases.Withinaweekhissixplayswereaccepted,andwithinafortnighthehadenteredParliamentastheminers’MemberforCoalville.Hismarriagetookplaceattheendofamonth.Theweddingpresentswereevenmorenumerousandcostlythanusual,andincludedthirty-fiveyardsofbookmuslin,tenpairsofgloves,asponge,twogimlets,fivejarsofcoldcream,acopyoftheClergyList,threehat-guards,amariner’scompass,aboxofdrawing-pins,anegg-breaker,sixblouses,andacabman’swhistle.Theyweremarkedquitesimply,“FromaGratefulFriend.”
THECIVILSERVANT
Itwasthreeo’clock,andtheafternoonsunreddenedthewesternwindowsofoneofthebusiestofGovernmentoffices.InanairyroomonthethirdfloorRichardDalewasbatting.Standinginfrontofthecoal-boxwiththefire-shovelinhishands,hewasamodelofthestrenuousyoungEnglishman;andasforthethirdtimeheturnedtheGovernmentindiarubberneatlyinthedirectionofsquare-leg,andsocompletedhisfifty,thebowlercouldhardlyrepressasighofenviousadmiration.EventhereservedMatthews,whowastoooldforcricket,lookedupamomentfromhisputting,andsaid,“Wellplayed,Dick!”
Thefourthoccupantoftheroomwasbusyathisdesk,asiftogivethelietothethoughtlessaccusationthattheCivilServicecultivatesthebodyattheexpenseofthemind.Theeagershoutsoftheplayersseemedtoannoyhim,forhefrownedandbithispen,orelsepassedhisfingersrestlesslythroughhishair.
“Howthedickensyouexpectanyonetothinkinthisconfoundednoise,”hecriedsuddenly.
“What’sthematter,Ashby?”
“You’rethematter.HowamIgoingtogettheseversesdoneforTheEveningSurpriseifyoumakesucharow?Whydon’tyougoouttotea?”
“Goodidea.Comeon,Dale.Youcoming,Matthews?”Theywentout,leavingtheroomtoAshby.
InhisyouthHaroldAshbyhadoftenbeentoldbyhisrelationsthathehadaliterarybent.HislettershomefromschoolweregenerallypronouncedtobegoodenoughforPunch,andsomeofthem,togetherwithacertificateofcharacterfromhisVicar,wereactuallysenttothatpaper.Butashegrewupherealizedthathisgeniuswasbetterfittedforworkofamoresolidcharacter.HispostintheCivilServicegavehimfullleisureforhisAdam:AFragment,hisHistoryoftheMicroscope,andhisStudiesinRuralCampanology,andyetlefthimampletimeinwhichtocontributetothejournalismoftheday.
ThepoemhewasnowfinishingforTheEveningSurprisewashisfirst
ThepoemhewasnowfinishingforTheEveningSurprisewashisfirstcontributiontothatpaper,buthehadlittledoubtthatitwouldbeaccepted.Itwascalledquitesimply,“LoveandDeath,”anditbeganlikethis:
“Love!Olove!(Allotherthingsabove).—Why,Owhy,AmIafraidtodie?”
ThereweresixmorelineswhichIhaveforgotten,butIsupposetheygavethereasonforthisabsurddiffidence.
Havingwrittenthepoemoutneatly,HaroldputitinanenvelopeandtookitroundtoTheEveningSurprise.Thestrainofcompositionhadlefthimratherweak,andhedecidedtogivehisbrainarestforthenextfewdays.SoithappenedthathewasatthewicketsonthefollowingWednesdayafternoonwhenthecommissionairebroughthiminthehistoricletter.Heopenedithastily,theshovelunderhisarm.
“DEARSIR,”wrotetheeditorofTheSurprise,“willyoucomeroundandseemeassoonasconvenient?”
Haroldlostnotime.Explainingthathewouldfinishhisinningslater,heputhiscoaton,tookhishatandstick,anddashedout.
“Howdoyoudo?”saidtheeditor.“Iwantedtotalktoyouaboutyourwork.Wealllikedyourlittlepoemverymuch.Itwillbecomingoutto-morrow.”
“Thursday,”saidHaroldhelpfully.
“Iwaswonderingwhetherwecouldn’tgetyoutojoinourstaff.Doestheideaofdoing‘AuntMiriam’sCosyCorner’inourafternooneditionappealtoyouatall?”
“No,”saidHarold,“notabit.”
“Ah,that’sapity.”Hetappedhisdeskthoughtfully.“Wellthen,howwouldyouliketobeawarcorrespondent?”
“Verymuch,”saidHarold.“Iwasconsideredtowriterathergoodlettershomefromschool.”
“Splendid!There’sthislittlewarinMexico.Whencanyoustart?Allexpensesandfiftypoundsaweek.You’renotverybusyattheoffice,Isuppose,justnow?”
now?”
“Icouldgetsickleaveeasilyenough,”saidHarold,“ifitwasn’tformorethaneightorninemonths.”
“Do;thatwillbeexcellent.Here’sablankchequeforyouroutfit.Canyougetoffto-morrow?ButIsupposeyou’llhaveoneortwothingstofinishupattheofficefirst?”
“Well,”saidHaroldcautiously,“IWASin,andI’dmadeninety-six.ButifIgobackandfinishmyinningsnow,andthenhaveto-morrowforbuyingthings,IcouldgetoffonFriday.”
“Good,”saidtheeditor.“Well,here’sluck.Comebackaliveifyoucan,andifyoudoweshan’tforgetyou.”
Haroldspentthenextdaybuyingawarcorrespondent’soutfit:—thecamel,thetravellingbath,theputties,thepithhelmet,thequinine,thesleeping-bag,andthethousand-and-oneothernecessitiesofactiveservice.OntheFridayhiscolleaguesattheofficecamedowninabodytoSouthamptontoseehimoff.LittledidtheythinkthatnearlyayearwouldelapsebeforeheagainsetfootuponEngland.
IshallnotdescribeallhisfamouscoupsinMexico.Sufficienttosaythatexperiencetaughthimquicklyallthathehadneedtolearn;andthatwhereashewasmorethanaweeklatewithhiscabledaccountofthefirstengagementofthewar,hewasfrequentlymorethanaweekearlyafterwards.Indeed,thebattleofParson’sNose,sorealisticallydescribedinhislasttelegram,isstillwaitingtobefought.Itistobehopedthatitwillbeintimeforhisaptly-namedbook,WiththeMexicansinMexico,whichiscomingoutnextmonth.
OnhisreturntoEnglandHaroldfoundthattimehadwroughtmanychanges.Tobeginwith,theeditorofTheEveningSurprisehadpassedontoTheMorningExclamation.
“Youhadbettertakehisplace,”saidtheducalproprietortoHarold.
“Right,”saidHarold.“IsupposeIshallhavetoresignmypostattheoffice?”
“Justasyoulike.Idon’tseewhyyoushould.”
“Ishouldmissthecricket,”saidHaroldwistfully,“andthesalary.I’llgoroundandseewhatIcanarrange.”
Buttherewerealsochangesattheoffice.Haroldhadbeenrisingsteadilyinsalaryandseniorityduringhisabsence,andhefoundtohisdelightthathewasnowaPrincipalClerk.Hefound,too,thathehadacquiredquiteareputationintheofficeforquicknessandefficiencyinhisnewwork.
Thefirstthingtoarrangeaboutwashisholiday.Hehadhadnoholidayformorethanayear,andthereweresomeeightweeksowingtohim.
“Hullo,”saidtheAssistantSecretaryasHaroldcamein,“you’relookingwell.Isupposeyoumanagetogetawayfortheweek-ends?”
“I’vebeenawayonsickleaveforsometime,”saidHaroldpathetically.
“Haveyou?You’vekeptitverysecret.Comeoutandhavelunchwithme,andwe’lldoamatineeafterwards.”
Haroldwentoutwithhimhappily.ItwouldbepleasanttoaccepttheeditorshipofTheEveningSurprisewithoutgivinguptheGovernmentalworkwhichwassodeartohim,andtheAssistantSecretary’swordsmadethispossibleforayearorsoanyhow.Then,whenhisabsencefromtheofficefirstbegantobenoticed,itwouldbetimetothinkofretiringonanadequatepension.
THEACTOR
MrLevinski,thefamousactor-manager,draggedhimselffrombeneaththecar,tookthesnowoutofhismouth,andsworeheartily.Mortalmenareliabletomotoraccidents;evenkings’carshavebackfired;butitseemsstrangethatactor-managersarenotspeciallyexemptfromtheseoccurrences.MrLevinskiwasnotonlyangry;hewasalsoalittleshocked.Whenanactor-managerhastowalktwomilestothenearesttownonawintereveningonemaybepardonedadoubtastowhetherallisquiterightwiththeworld.
Butthecompletesttragedyhasitscompensationsforsomeone.ThepitiablearrivalofMrLevinskiat“TheDuke’sHead,”unrecognizedandwithhisfurcoatslightlyruffled,mightmakeascepticofthemostdevoutoptimist,andyetEustaceMerrowbycanneverlookbackuponthateveningwithoutasighofthankfulness;fortohimitwasthebeginningofhiscareer.Thestoryhasoftenbeentoldsince—inaboutadozenweeklypapers,halfadozendailypapersandthreedozenprovincialpapers—butitwillalwaysbeartellingagain.
TherewasnotraintoLondonthatnight,andMrLevinskihadbeencompelledtoputupat“TheDuke’sHead.”However,hehaddinedandwasfeelingslightlybetter.Hesummonedthemanagerofthehotel.
“Whatdoesonedointhisdamplace?”heaskedwithayawn.
Themanager,instantlyrecognizingthathewasspeakingtoamemberofthearistocracy,madehastetoreply.Othellowasbeingplayedatthetowntheatre.Hisdaughter,whohadalreadybeenthreetimes,toldhimthatitwassimplysweet.Hewassurehislordship…
MrLevinskidismissedhim,andconsideredthepoint.Hehadtoamusehimselfwithsomethingthatevening,andthechoiceapparentlylaybetweenOthelloandthelocalDirectory.HepickeduptheDirectory.ByaluckychanceforEustaceMerrowbyitwasthreeyearsold.MrLevinskiputonhisfurcoatandwenttoseeOthello.
Forsometimehewasasboredashehadexpectedtobe,buthalf-waythroughtheThirdActhebegantowakeup.Therewassomethingintheplayingofthe
theThirdActhebegantowakeup.Therewassomethingintheplayingoftheprincipalactorwhichmovedhimstrangely.Helookedathisprogramme.“Othello—MrEUSTACEMERROWBY.”MrLevinskifrownedthoughtfully.“Merrowby?”hesaidtohimself.“Idon’tknowthename,buthe’sthemanIwant.”HetookoutthegoldpencilpresentedtohimbytheEmperor—(thestation-masterhadhadatie-pin)—andwroteanote.
HewasfinishingbreakfastnextmorningwhenMrMerrowbywasannounced.
“Ah,good-morning,”saidMrLevinski,“good-morning.Youfindmeverybusy,”andherehebegantoturnthepagesoftheDirectorybackwardsandforwards,“butIcangiveyouamoment.Whatisityouwant?”
“Youaskedmetocallonyou,”saidEustace.
“DidI,didI?”Hepassedhishandacrosshisbrowwithanoblegesture.“Iamsobusy,Iforget.Ah,nowIremember.IsawyouplayOthellolastnight.YouarethemanIwant.Iamproducing‘OomBaas,’thegreatSouthAfricandrama,nextAprilatmytheatre.Perhapsyouknow?”
“Ihavereadaboutitinthepapers,”saidEustace.Inallthepapers(hemighthaveadded)everyday,forthelastsixmonths.
“Good.Thenyoumayhaveheardthatoneofthescenesisanostrichfarm.Iwantyoutoplay‘Tommy.’”
“Oneoftheostriches?”askedEustace.
“IdonotofferthepartofanostrichtoamanwhohasplayedOthello.TommyistheKaffirboywholooksafterthefarm.Itisablackpart,likeyourpresentone,butnotsolong.InLondonyoucannotexpecttotaketheleadingpartsjustyet.”
“Thisisverykindofyou,”criedEustacegratefully.“IhavealwayslongedtogettoLondon.Andtostartinyourtheatre!—it’sawonderfulchance.”
“Good,”saidMrLevinski.“Thenthat’ssettled.”HewavedEustaceawayandtookuptheDirectoryagainwithabusiness-likeair.
AndsoEustaceMerrowbycametoLondon.ItisagreatthingforayoungactortocometoLondon.AsMrLevinskihadwarnedhim,hisnewpartwasnotsobigasthatofOthello;hehadtosay“Hofotsetse!”—whichwasallegedtobeKaffirfor“Down,sir!”—tothebigostrich.ButtobeattheStGeorge’sTheatreatall
for“Down,sir!”—tothebigostrich.ButtobeattheStGeorge’sTheatreatallwasanhonourwhichmostmenwouldenvyhim,andhisassociationwitharealostrichwasboundtobringhimbeforethepublicinthepagesoftheillustratedpapers.
Eustace,curiouslyenough,wasnotverynervousonthefirstnight.Hewasfairlycertainthathewasword-perfect;andifonlytheostrichdidn’tkickhiminthebackoftheneck—asithadtriedtoonceatrehearsal—theeveningseemedlikelytobeatriumphforhim.Andsoitwaswithafeelingofpleasurableanticipationthat,onthemorningafter,hegatheredthepapersroundhimatbreakfast,andpreparedtoreadwhatthecriticshadtosay.
HehadaremarkablePress.Igiveafewexamplesofthenoticesheobtainedfromtheleadingpapers:
“MrEustaceMerrowbywasTommy.”—DailyTelegraph.
“ThecastincludedMrEustaceMerrowby.”—Times.
“…MrEustaceMerrowby…”—DailyChronicle.
“Wehavenospaceinwhichtomentionalltheotherperformers.”—MorningLeader.
“Thiscriticismonlyconcernsthetwoactorswehavementioned,anddoesnotapplytotherestofthecast.”—Sportsman.
“Whereallweresogood,itwouldbeinvidioustosingleoutanybodyforspecialpraise.”—DailyMail.
“Theactingdeservedabetterplay.”—DailyNews.
“…Tommy…”—MorningPost.
AsEustacereadthepapers,hefeltthathisfuturewassecure.True,TheEra,carefulnevertomissasingleperformer,hadyettosay,“MrEustaceMerrowbywascapitalasTommy,”andTheStage,“TommywascapitallyplayedbyMrEustaceMerrowby”;butevenwithoutthishehadbecomeoneoftheMenwhoCount—onewhoseprivatelifewasofmoreinteresttothepublicthanthatofanyscientist,generalordiplomatinthecountry.
IntoEustaceMerrowby’ssubsequentcareerIcannotgoatfulllength.ItisperhapsasamemberoftheGarrickClubthathehasattainedhisfullestdevelopment.AllthegoodthingsoftheGarrickwhichwerenotpreviouslysaidbySydneySmithmaysafelybeputdowntoEustace;andthereisnodoubtthatheistheringleaderinallthesubtlerpracticaljokeswhichhavemadetheclubfamous.Itwashewhopinnedtothebackofanunpopularmemberofthecommitteeasheetofpaperbearingthewords
KICKME
—andtheoccasiononwhichhedrewthechairfrombeneathacertaineminentauthorasthelatterwasabouttositdownisstillreferredtohilariouslybytheoldermembers.
Finally,asaconvincingproofofhisgreatness,letitbesaidthateverybodyhasatleastheardthename“EustaceMerrowby”—eventhoughsomemaybeundertheimpressionthatitisthetrademarkofasauce;andthathalftheyoungladiesofWandsworthCommonandWinchmoreHillareinlovewithhim.Ifthisbenotsuccess,whatis?
THEYOUNGERSON
Itisahardthingtobetheyoungersonofanancientbutimpoverishedfamily.ThefactthatyourbrotherThomasistakingmostofthedibsrestrictsyourinheritancetoapaltrytwothousandayear,whileprideofbloodforbidsyoutosupplementthisbyfollowinganyofthecommonprofessions.ImpossibleforaStVeraxtobeadoctor,apolicemanoranarchitect.Hemustfindsomenoblermeansofexistence.
ForthreeyearsRogerStVeraxhadlivedprecariouslybybetting.TobeaStVeraxwasalwaystobeasportsman.Roger’sfatherhadcreatedarecordinthesportingworldbywinningtheDerbyandtheWaterlooCupwiththesameanimal—though,ineachcase,itnarrowlyescapeddisqualification.Rogerhimselfalmostcreatedanotherrecordbymakingbettingpay.Hisbook,showinghowtodoit,wasactuallyinthepresswhendisasterovertookhim.
Hebeganbydropping(insportingparlance)acoolthousandontheJackJoelSellingPlateatNewmarket.Onthenextracehedroppedacoolfivehundred,andlateronintheafternoonacoolseventy-fivepoundsten.ThefollowingdayfoundhimatLingfield,wherehedroppedacoolmonkey(toperseverewiththelanguageoftheracingstable)ontheSollyJoelCup,pickedituponthenextrace,droppedacoolpony,droppedanothercoolmonkey,droppedacoolwallaby,pickedupacoolhippopotamus,andfinally,inthelastraceoftheday,droppedacoupleoflukewarmferrets.Inshort,hewas(astheysayatTattersall’sCorner)entirelycleanedout.
Whenayoungersoniscleanedoutthereisonlyonethingforhimtodo.RogerStVeraxknewinstinctivelywhatitwas.Heboughtanewsilkhatandashortblackcoat,andwentintotheCity.
Whatawonderfulplace,dearreader,istheCity!You,madam,whoreadthisinyourdaintilyupholsteredboudoir,canknowbutlittleofthegreatheartoftheCity,eventhoughyouhavedriventhroughitsarteriesonyourwaytoLiverpoolStreetStation,andhavenotedthebareandsmoothlybrushedpollsoftheyoungernatives.You,sir,inyourcountryvicarage,arenolessinnocent,eventhoughonsultryafternoonsyouhavecoveredyourheadwiththeFinancialSupplementofTheTimesinmistakefortheLiterarySupplement,andhavethus
SupplementofTheTimesinmistakefortheLiterarySupplement,andhavethushadthrustuponyouthestirringnewsthatBango-Bangosweregoingup.AndI,dearfriends,amequallyignorantofthesecretsoftheStockExchange.IknowthatitsmembersfrequentlywalktoBrighton,andstillmorefrequentlystaythere;thatwhilefindingahomeforallthegoodstorieswhichhavebeengoingtheroundsforyears,theysometimesinvententirelynewonesforthemselvesabouttheChancelloroftheExchequer;andthattheysingtheNationalAnthemverysternlyinunisonwhenoccasiondemandsit.Buttheremustbesomethingmoreinitthanthis,orwhyareBango-Bangosstillgoingup?
Idon’tknow.AndIamsorrytosaythatevenRogerStVerax,aDirectoroftheBango-BangoDevelopmentCompany,isnotveryclearaboutitall.
ItwasasaDirectoroftheBango-BangoExplorationCompanythathetookuphislifeintheCity.Asitsnameimplies,theCompanywasoriginallyformedtoexploreBango-Bango,animpenetrabledistrictinNorthAustralia;butwhenitcametothepointitwasfoundmuchmoreprofitabletoexploreHampstead,ClaphamCommon,Blackheath,Ealingandotherrichandfashionablesuburbs.Anumberofhopefulladiesandgentlemenhavingbeenlocatedintheseparts,theCompanywentaheadrapidly,andin1907anewprospectorwassentouttoreplacetheonewhowasassumedtohavebeeneaten.
In1908,Rogerfirstheardthemagicword“reconstruction,”andtohissurprisefoundhimselfinpossessionoftwentythousandpoundsandaDirectorshipofthenewBango-BangoMiningCompany.
In1909apieceofrealgoldwasidentified,andtheshareswentuplikearocket.
In1910theStockExchangesuddenlywoketothefactthatrubbertyresweremadeofrubber,andinamomenttheGreatBoomwassprunguponanamazedCity.TheBango-BangoDevelopmentCompanywasimmediatelyformedtotakeovertheBango-BangoMiningCompany(togetherwithitsprospector,ifalive,itsplant,shaftsandotherproperty,notforgettingthepieceofgold)andmoreparticularlytodevelopthevegetableresourcesofthedistrictwiththeviewofplantingrubbertreesintheimmediatefuture.Aneatlycompiledprospectusputmattersveryclearlybeforethestay-at-homeEnglishman.Itexplainedquiteconciselythat,supposingthetreeswereplantedsomanyfeetapartthroughoutthewholepropertyoffivethousandsquaremiles,andallowingacertainperiodforthegrowthofatreetomaturity,andputtingtheaverageyieldofrubberpertreeat,inroundfigures,somuch,andassumingforthesakeofconveniencethatrubberwouldremainatitspresentprice,andestimatingthecostofworkingthe
rubberwouldremainatitspresentprice,andestimatingthecostofworkingtheplantationatsay,roughly,100,000pounds,why,thenitwasobviousthattheprofitswouldbeanythingyoulikeduptotwobillionayear—while(thiswasimportant)morelandcoulddoubtlessbeacquirediftheshare-holdersthoughtfit.Andevenifyouwerecertainthatarubber-treecouldn’tpossiblygrowintheBango-Bangodistrict(asinconfidenceitcouldn’t),stillitwasworthtakingsharespurelyasaninvestment,seeinghowrapidlyrubberwasgoingup;nottomentionthefactthatRogerStVerax,thewell-knownfinancier,wasaDirector…andsoon.
InshorttheBango-BangoDevelopmentCompanywas,inthelanguageoftheCity,asafething.
Letmehastentotheendofthisstory.Attheendof1910Rogerwasamillionaire;andforquiteaweekafterwardsheusedtowonderwhereallthemoneyhadcomefrom.Intheolddays,whenhewonacoolthousandbybetting,heknewthatsomebodyelsehadlostacoolthousandbybetting,butitdidnotseemtobesointhiscase.Hehadmethundredsofmenwhohadmadefortunesthroughrubber;hehadmethundredswhobitterlyregrettedthattheyhadmissedmakingafortune;buthehadnevermetanyonewhohadlostafortune.ThismadehimthinktheCityanevenmorewonderfulplacethanbefore.
Butbeforehecouldbehappythereremainedonethingforhimtodo;hemustfindsomebodytosharehishappiness.Hecalledonhisoldfriend,MaryBrown,oneSunday.
“Mary,”hesaid,withthebriskconfidenceoftheCityman,“IfindI’mdisengagednextTuesday.WillyoumeetmeatStGeorge’sChurchattwo?Ishouldliketoshowyouthecurateandthevestry,andoneortwothingslikethat.”
“Why,what’shappened?”
“Iamamillionaire,”saidRogercalmly.“SolongasIonlyhadmybeggarlypittance,Icouldnotaskyoutomarryme.Therewasnothingforitbuttowaitinpatience.Ithasbeenalongwearywait,dear,butthesunhasbrokenthroughthecloudsatlast.Iamnowinapositiontosupportawife.Tuesdayattwo,”hewenton,consultinghispocketdiary;“orIcouldgiveyouhalfanhouronMondaymorning.”
“Butwhythisextraordinaryhurry?Whymayn’tIbemarriedproperly,with
“Butwhythisextraordinaryhurry?Whymayn’tIbemarriedproperly,withpresentsandthings?”
“Mydear,”saidRogerreproachfully,“youforget.IamaCitymannow,anditisimperativethatIshouldbemarriedatonce.Onlyamarriedman,witheverythinginhiswife’sname,canfacewithconfidencethegiveandtakeofthebustlingCity.”
AFEWFRIENDS
MARGERY
I.—ATWICETOLDTALE
“Isthatyou,uncle?”saidavoicefromthenursery,asIhungmycoatupinthehall.“I’veonlygotmyskinon,butyoucancomeup.”
However,shewassittingupinbedwithhernightgownonwhenIfoundher.
“Iwashavingmybathwhenyoucame,”sheexplained.“HaveyoucomeallthewayfromLondon?”
“Alltheway.”
“Thenwillyoutellmeastory?”
“Ican’t;I’mgoingtohavemydinner.IonlycameuptosayGood-night.”
Margeryleantforwardandwhisperedcoaxingly,“WillyoujusttellmeaboutBeautyand‘eBeast?”
“ButI’vetoldyouthatsuchheapsoftimes.Andit’smuchtoolongforto-night.”
“TellmeHALFofit.AsmuchasTHAT.”Sheheldherhandsaboutnineinchesapart.
“That’stoomuch.”
“AsmuchasTHAT.”Thehandscamealittlenearertogether.
“Oh!Well,I’lltellyouuptowheretheBeastdied.”
“FOUGHThedied,”shecorrectedeagerly.
“Yes.Well—”
“Howmuchwillthatbe?AsmuchasIsaid?”
Inodded.Thepreliminarybusinesssettled,shegavealittlesighofhappiness,putherarmsroundherknees,andwaitedbreathlesslyforthestoryshehadheardtwentytimesbefore.
“Onceuponatimetherewasamanwhohadthreedaughters.Andoneday—”
“Whatwastheman’sname?”
“Margery,”Isaidreproachfully,annoyedattheinterruption,“youknowINEVERtellyoutheman’sname.”
“Tellmenow.”
“Oswald,”Isaid,afteramoment’sthought.
“ItoldDaddyitwasThomas,”saidMargerycasually.
“Well,asamatteroffact,hehadtwonames,OswaldANDThomas.”
“Whydidhehavetwonames?”
“Incasehelostone.Well,onedaythisman,whowasverypoor,heardthatalotofmoneywaswaitingforhiminashipwhichhadcomeovertheseatoatownsomemilesoff.Sohe—”
“WasitwaitingatWeymouf?”
“Somewherelikethat.”
“IspexitmusthavebeenWeymouf,becausethere’slotsofseathere.”
“Yes,I’msureitwas.Well,hethoughthe’dgotoWeymouthandgetthemoney.”
“Howmuchmonieswasit?”
“Oh,lotsandlots.”
“Asmuchasfivepennies?”
“Yes,aboutthat.Well,hesaidGood-byetohisdaughters,andaskedthemwhatthey’dlikehimtobringbackforapresent.Andthefirstaskedforsomelovelyjewelsanddiamondsand—”
“Likemummy’slocket—isTHATjewels?”
“Thatsortofidea.Well,shewantedalotofthingslikethat.Andthesecondwantedsomebeautifulclothes.”
“Whatsortofclothes?”
“Oh,frocksand—well,frocksandallsortsof—er—frocks.”
“Didshewantanylovelynewstockings?”
“Yes,shewantedthreepairsofthose.”
“Anddidshewantanylovely—”
“Yes,”Isaidhastily,“shewantedlotsofthose,too.LotsofEVERYTHING.”
Margerygavealittlesobofhappiness.“Goontellingme,”shesaidunderherbreath.
“Well,thethirddaughterwascalledBeauty.Andshethoughttoherself,‘PoorFatherwon’thaveanymoneyleftatall,ifweallgoonlikethis!’Soshedidn’taskforanythingveryexpensive,likeherselfishsisters,sheonlyaskedforarose.Asimpleredrose.”
Margerymoveduneasily.
“Ihope,”shesaidwistfully,“thisbitisn’tgoingtobeabout—YOUknow.Itneverdidbefore.”
“Aboutwhat?”
“Goodlittlegirlsandbadlittlegirls,andfingslikethat.”
“Mydarling,no,ofcoursenot.Itolditwrong.Beautyaskedforarosebecauseshelovedrosesso.Anditwasaveryparticularkindofredrosethatshewanted—asortthattheysimplyCOULDN’Tgettogrowintheirowngardenbecauseofthesoil.”
ofthesoil.”
“Goontellingme,”saidMargery,withadeepsighofcontent.
“Well,hestartedofftoWeymouth.”
“Whatdaydidhestart?”
“ItwasMonday.Andwhen—”
“Oh,well,anyhow,ItolddaddyitwasTuesday.”
“Tuesday—nowletmethink.Yes,Ibelieveyou’reright.BecauseonMondayhewenttoameetingoftheVegetableGardeners,andproposedthehealthoftheChairman.Yes,wellhestartedoffonTuesday,andwhenhegottherehefoundthattherewasnomoneyforhimatall!”
“Ispexsomebodyhadtakenit,”saidMargerybreathlessly.
“Well,ithadallgoneSOMEHOW.”
“Perhapssomebodyhadswallowedit,”saidMargery,alittlecarriedawaybythesubject.“Bymistake.”
“Anyhow,itwasgone.Andhehadtocomehomeagainwithoutanymoney.Hehadn’tgonefar—”
“Howfar?”askedMargery.“AsfarasTHAT?”andshemeasurednineinchesintheair.
“Aboutforty-fourmiles—whenhecametoabeautifulgarden.”
“Wasitareallylovelybiggarden?Biggerthanours?”
“Oh,muchbigger.”
“Biggerthanyours?”
“Ihaven’tgotagarden.”
Margerylookedatmewonderingly.Sheopenedhermouthtospeak,andthenstoppedandrestedherheaduponherhandsandthoughtoutthisnewsituation.
stoppedandrestedherheaduponherhandsandthoughtoutthisnewsituation.Atlast,herfaceflushedwithhappiness,sheannouncedherdecision.
“GoontellingmeaboutBeautyandtheBeastnow,”shesaidbreathlessly,“andTHENtellmewhyyouhaven’tgotagarden.”
MyaveragetimeforBeautyandtheBeastistenminutes,and,ifwestopattheplacewhentheBeastthoughthewasdead,sixminutestwenty-fiveseconds.But,withtheaidofseeminglyinnocentquestions,adeterminedcharactercanmakeeventhecraftiestunclespinthestoryouttohalfanhour.
“Nexttime,”saidMargery,whenwehadreachedtheappointedplaceandshewasbeingtuckedupinbed,“willyoutellmeALLthestory?”
Wastheretheshadowofasmileinhereyes?Idon’tknow.ButI’msureitwillbewisestnexttimetopromiseherthewholething.Wemustmakethatpointclearattheverystart,andthenweshallgetalong.
II.—THELITERARYART
MARGERYhasapassionforwritingjustnow.Icanseenothinginitmyself,butifpeopleWILLwrite,Isupposeyoucan’tstopthem.
“Willyoujustlendmeyourpencil?”sheasked.
“Remindmetogiveyouahundredpencilssometime,”IsaidasItookitout,“andthenyou’llalwayshaveone.Yousimplyeatpencils.”
“Oo,Igaveityoubacklasttime.”
“Onlyjust.Youinveiglemedownhere—”
“WhatdoIdo?”
“I’mnotgoingtosaythatagainforanybody.”
“Well,mayIhavethepencil?”
Igaveherthepencilandasheetofpaper,andsettledherinachair.
“B-a-b-y,”saidMargerytoherself,planningoutherweeklyarticlefortheReviews.“B-a-b-y,baby.”Shesquaredherelbowsandbegantowrite….
“There!”shesaid,afterfiveminutes’composition.
Themanuscriptwasbroughtovertothecritic,andtheauthorstoodproudlybytopointoutsubtletiesthatmighthavebeenoverlookedatafirstreading.
“B-a-b-y,”explainedtheauthor.“Baby.”
“Yes,that’sverygood;veryneatlyexpressed.‘Baby’—Ilikethat.”
“ShallIwritesomemore?”saidMargeryeagerly.
“Yes,dowritesomemore.Thisisgood,butit’snotlongenough.”
Theauthorretiredagain,andinfiveminutesproducedthis:—
BABY
“That’s‘baby,’”explainedMargery.
“Yes,Ilikethatbabybetterthantheotherone.It’smorespreadout.Andit’sbigger—it’soneofthebiggestbabiesI’veseen.”
“ShallIwritesomemore?”
“Don’tyouwriteanythingelseever?”
“Ilikewriting‘baby,’”saidMargerycarelessly.“B-a-b-y.”
“Yes,butyoucan’tdomuchwithjustthatoneword.Supposeyouwantedtowritetoamanatashop—‘DearSir,—Youneversentmemyboots.Pleasesendthematonce,asIwanttogooutthisafternoon.Iam,yoursfaithfully,Margery’—itwouldbenogoodsimplyputting‘B-a-b-y,’becausehewouldn’tknowwhatyoumeant.”
“Well,whatWOULDitbegoodputting?”
“Ah,that’sthewholeartofwriting—toknowwhatitwouldbeanygoodputting.Youwanttolearnlotsandlotsofnewwords,soastobeready.Nowhere’sajollylittleonethatyououghttomeet.”ItookthepencilandwroteGOT.“Got.G-o-t,got.”
Margery,herelbowsonmykneeandherchinrestingonherhands,studiedtheposition.
“Yes,that’sold‘got,’”shesaid.
“He’salwayscomingin.Whenyouwanttosay,‘I’vegotabadpain,soIcan’tacceptyourkindinvitation’;orwhenyouwanttosay,‘Excusemore,asI’vegottogotobednow’;orquitesimply,‘You’vegotmypencil.’”
“G-o-t,got,”saidMargery.“G-o-t,got.G-o-t,got.”
“Withappropriateactionitmakesaverynicerecitation.”
“IsTHATa‘g’?”saidMargery,busywiththepencil,whichshehadsnatched
“IsTHATa‘g’?”saidMargery,busywiththepencil,whichshehadsnatchedfromme.
“Thegentlemanwiththetail.Youhaven’tmadehistailquitelongenough….That’sbetter.”
Margeryretiredtoherstudy,chargedwithanentirelynewinspiration,andwrotehersecondmanifesto.Itwasthis:—
GOT
“Got,”shepointedout.
Iinspecteditcarefully.ComingfreshtotheideaMargeryhadtreateditmorespontaneouslythantheother.Butitwasdistinctlya“got.”Oneofthegots.
“Haveyouanymorewords?”sheasked,holdingtighttothepencil.
“You’veaboutexhaustedme,Margery.”
“Whatwasthatoneyousaidjustnow?Theoneyousaidyouwouldn’tsayagain?”
“Oh,youmean‘inveigle’?”Isaid,pronouncingitdifferentlythistime.
“Yes;writethatforme.”
“Ithardlyevercomesin.Onlywhenyouarewritingtoyoursolicitor.”
“What’s‘solicitor’?”
“He’sthegentlemanwhotakesthemoney.He’sALWAYScomingin.”
“Thenwrite‘solicitor.’”
Itookthepencil(itwasmyturnforit)andwroteSOLICITOR.ThenIreaditoutslowlytoMargery,speltittoherthreetimesverycarefully,andwroteSOLICITORagain.ThenIsaiditthoughtfullytomyselfhalfadozentimes—“Solicitor.”ThenIlookedatitwonderingly.
“Iamnotsurenow,”Isaid,“thatthereissuchaword.”
“Why?”
“IthoughttherewaswhenIbegan,butnowIdon’tthinktherecanbe.‘Solicitor’—itseemssosilly.”
“Letmewriteit,”saidMargery,eagerlytakingthepaperandpencil,“andseeifitlookssilly.”
itlookssilly.”
Sheretired,and—aswellasshecouldforherexcitement—copiedtheworddownunderneath.Thecombinedeffortthenreadasfollows:—
SOLICITORSOLICITORSOLCTOR
“Yes,you’vedoneitalotofgood,”Isaid.“You’vetakensomeofthecreasesout.Ilikethatmuchbetter.”
“Doyouthinkthereissuchawordnow?”
“I’mbeginningtofeelmoreeasyaboutit.I’mnotcertain,butIhope.”
“SodoI,”saidMargery.Withthepencilinonehandandthevariousscrapsofpaperintheother,sheclimbedontothewriting-deskandgaveherselfuptoliterature….
Anditseemstomethatsheiswellequippedforthetask.Forbesideshavingmypencilstill(ofwhichIsaynothingforthemoment)shehasnowthreeseparatethemesuponwhichtoringthechanges—arangewideenoughforanywriter.Theseare,“Babygotsolicitor”(supposingthatthereissuchaword),“Solicitorgotbaby,”and“Gotbabysolicitor.”Indeed,therearereallyfourthemeshere,forthelastonecanhavetwointerpretations.ItmightmeanthatyouhadobtainedanordinarysolicitorforBaby,oritmightmeanthatyouhadgotaspeciallysmalloneforyourself.Itlacks,therefore,thelucidityofthebestauthors,butinawomanwriterthismaybeforgiven.
III.—MYSECRETARY
When,fiveyearsago,IusedtowritelongletterstoMargery,forsomereasonorothersheneverwroteback.TosaveherfaceIhadtoanswerthelettersmyself—atediousbusiness.Still,Imustadmitthatthewarmthandgenialityoftherepliesgavemeacertainstandingwithmyfriends,whohadnotlookedformetobesopopular.Aftersomemonths,however,pridesteppedin.Onecannotpouroutletterafterlettertoaladywithoutanyacknowledgmentsavefromoneself.Andwhenevenmyownacknowledgmentsbegantolosetheirfirstwarmth—when,forinstance,IansweredfourpagesaboutmynewpianolawiththecurtreminderthatIwaslearningtowalkandcouldn’tbebotheredwithmusic,why,thenatlastIsawthatacorrespondencesoone-sidedwouldhavetocometoanend.I
lastIsawthatacorrespondencesoone-sidedwouldhavetocometoanend.Iwroteafarewellletterandrepliedtoitwithtears….
But,blessyou,thatwasnearlyfiveyearsago.Eachmorningnow,amongtheusualpileofnotesonmyplatefromduchesses,publishers,money-lenders,actor-managersandwhatnot,Ifind,likelyenough,anenvelopeinMargery’sownhandwriting.Notonlyismyaddressprinteduponitlegibly,buttherearealsosuchextradirectionstothepostmanas“England”and“Important,”foritsmorespeedyarrival.Andinside—well,Igiveyouthelastbutseven.
“MYDEARUNCLEIthotyouwhercomingtoseemetonightbutyoudidn’twhydidn’tyoubabyhasptohurtherkneeisntthatapityIhavesomenewtoysisntthatjollywedidn’thaveourfiveminutessowillyoukritetomeandtellmeallaboutptoyourworkfromyourlovinglittleMARGIE.”
Ialwaysthinkthatfootnotestoaletterareamistake,butthereareoneortwothingsIshouldliketoexplain.
(A)Justassomejournalistsfeelthatwithouttheword“economic”aleadingarticlelackstone,soMargeryfeels,andIagreewithher,thatacertaincachetislenttoaletterbyap.t.o.atthebottomofeachpage.
(B)Therearelotsofgrown-uppeoplewhothinkthat“write”isspelt“rite.”Margeryknowsthatthisisnotso.Sheknowsthatthereisasilentletterinfrontofthe“r,”whichdoesn’tdoanythingbutlikestobethere.Obviously,ifnobodyisgoingtotakeanynoticeofthisextraletter,itdoesn’tmuchmatterwhatitis.Margeryhappenedtowanttomakea“k”justthen;atapinchitcouldbeassilentasa“w.”Youwillplease,therefore,regardthe“k”in“krite”asabsolutelynoiseless.
(C)BothMargeryandBernardShawprefertoleaveouttheapostropheinwritingsuchwordsas“isn’t”and“don’t.”
(D)YearsagoIclaimedtheprivilegetomonopolise,ontheoccasionaleveningswhenIwasthere,Margery’slasttenminutesbeforeshegoesbacktosomeheavenofherowneachnight.Thisprivilegewasgranted;itbeingfelt,nodoubt,thatsheowedmesomecompensationformyearlysecretarialworkonherbehalf.Weusedtospendthetenminutesinlisteningtomytellingafairystory,alwaysthesameone.Onedaytheauthoritiessteppedinandannouncedthatinfuturethetenminuteswouldbereducedtofive.Theprocedureseemedtomeabsolutelyillegal(andIshouldliketobringatestactionagainstsomebody),but
absolutelyillegal(andIshouldliketobringatestactionagainstsomebody),butitcertainlydidputthelidonmyfairystory,ofwhichIwasgettingmorethanalittletired.
“TellmeaboutBeautyandtheBeast,”saidMargeryasusualthatevening.
“There’snottime,”Isaid.“We’veonlyfiveminutesto-night.”
“Oh!Thentellmealltheworkyou’vedoneto-day.”
(Alittleunkind,you’llagree,butyouknowwhatrelationsare.)
AndsonowIhavetocramtherecordofmyday’sworkintofivebreathlessminutes.YouwillunderstandwhatbarejusticeIcandotoitinthetime.
Iamsorrythatthesefootnoteshavegrownsobig;letusleavethemandreturntotheletter.Therearemanywaysofansweringsuchaletter.Onemightsay,“MYDEARMARGERY,—Itwasjollytogetarealletterfromyouatlast—”butthe“atlast”wouldseemrathertactlessconsideringwhathadpassedyearsbefore.Oronemightsay,“MYDEARMARGERY,—Thankyouforyourjollyletter.Iamsosorryaboutbaby’skneeandsogladaboutyourtoys.Perhapsifyougaveoneofthetoystobaby,thenherknee—”ButIfeelsurethatMargerywouldexpectmetodobetterthanthat.
IntheparticularcaseofthislastletterbutsevenIwrote:—
“DEARESTMARGERY,—Thankyouforyoursweetletter.IhadaverybusydayattheofficeorIwouldhavecometoseeyou.P.T.O.—Ihopetobedownnextweek,andthenIwilltellyouallaboutmywork;butIhavealotmoretodonow,andsoImustsayGood-bye.YourlovingUNCLE.”
Thereisperhapsnothinginthatwhichdemandsanimmediateanswer,butwithbusiness-likepromptitudeMargeryreplied:—
“MYDEARUNCLEthankyouforyourletterIamgladyouarecomingnextweekbabyisquitewellnowareyouptocomingonThursdaynextweekornotsayyesifyouareIamptosorryyouareworkingsohardfromyourlovingMARGIE.”
Isaid“Yes,”andthatIwasherlovinguncle.Itseemedtobethentoolatefora“P.T.O.,”butIgotoneinandputontheback,“LovetoBaby.”Theanswercamebyreturnofpost:—
camebyreturnofpost:—
“MYDEARUNCLEthankyouforyourlettercomeerlyonptoThursdaycomeathalfpastnothingbabysendsherloveandsodoptoImyrokinghorsehasasirrupbrokenisntthatapitysayyesornogood-byefromyourlovingMARGIE.”
OfcourseIthankedBabyforherloveandgavemydecisionthatitWASapityabouttherocking-horse.Ididitinlargecapitals,which(asIoughttohavesaidbefore)isthemeansofcommunicationbetweenMargeryandherfriends.ForsomereasonorotherIfindprintingcapitalstobemoretiringthantheordinarymethodofwriting.
“MYDEARUNCLE,”wroteMargery—
Butweneednotgointothat.WhatIwanttosayisthis:Ilovetogetletters,particularlythese,butIhatewritingthem,particularlyincapitals.Yearsago,IusedtoanswerMargery’slettersforher.Itisnowherturntoanswermineforme.
CHUM
ITisChum’sbirthdayto-morrow,andIamgoingtobuyhimalittlewhipforapresent,withawhistleattheendofit.WhenInextgointothecountrytoseehimIshalltakeitwithmeandexplainittohim.Twodays’firmnesswouldmakehimquiteasensibledog.Ihaveoftenthreatenedtobeginthetreatmentonmyverynextvisit,butsomehowithasbeenputoff;theoccasionofhisbirthdayoffersalastopportunity.
Itisratherabsurd,though,totalkofbirthdaysinconnectionwithChum,forhehasbeennomorethanthreemonthsoldsincewehavehadhim.Heisablackspanielwhohasnevergrownup.Hehasabeautifulastrakhancoatwhichgleamswhenthesunisonit;buthestandssolowinthewaterthatthefrontofitisalwaysgettingdirty,andhisearsandtheendsofhistrouserstrailinthemud.Agreatauthorityhastoldusthat,butforthreewhitehairsonhisshirt(uponsolittledoclassdistinctionshang),hewouldbeaCockerofirreproachablebirth.AstillgreaterauthorityhasswornthatheisaSussex.Thefamilyisindifferent—itonlycallshimaSillyAss.WhyhewaschristenedChumIdonotknow;andasheneverrecognizesthenameitdoesn’tmatter.
WhenhefirstcametostaywithusItookhimawalkroundthevillage.Iwantedtoshowhimthelieoftheland.Hehadneverseenthecountrybeforeandwasfullofinterest.Hetrottedintoacottagegardenandcamebackwithsomethingtoshowme.
“You’llneverguess,”hesaid.“Look!”andhedroppedatmyfeetachickjustoutoftheegg.
Ismackedhisheadandtookhimintothecottagetoexplain.
“Mydog,”Isaid,“haseatenoneofyourchickens.”
Chumnudgedmeintheankleandgrinned.
“TWOofyourchickens,”Icorrectedmyself,lookingatthefreshevidencewhichhehadjustbroughttolight.
“Youdon’twantmeanymore?”saidChum,asthefinancialarrangementsproceeded.“ThenI’lljustgoandfindsomewhereforthesetwo.”Andhepicked
proceeded.“ThenI’lljustgoandfindsomewhereforthesetwo.”Andhepickedthemupandtrottedintothesun.
WhenIcameoutIwasgreetedeffusively.
“Thisisawonderfulday,”hepanted,ashewriggledhisbody.“Ididn’tknowthecountrywaslikethis.Whatdowedonow?”
“Wegohome,”Isaid,andwewent.
ThatwasChum’slastdayoffreedom.Hekeepsinsidethefrontgatenow.Butheisstillahappydog;thereisplentydoinginthegarden.Therearebedstowalkover,thereareblackbirdsintheappletreetobarkat.Theworldisstillfullofwonderfulthings.“Why,onlylastWednesday,”hewilltellyou,“thefishmongerlefthisbasketinthedrive.Therewasahaddockinit,ifyou’llbelieveme,formaster’sbreakfast,soofcourseIsaveditforhim.Iputitonthegrassjustinfrontofhisstudywindow,wherehe’dbeSUREtonoticeit.Blessyou,there’salwaysSOMETHINGtodointhishouse.Oneisneveridle.”
Andevenwhenthereisnothingdoing,heisstillhappy;waitingcheerfullyuponeventsuntiltheyarrangethemselvesforhisamusement.Hewillsitfortwentyminutesoppositethegardenbank,watchingforabumble-beetocomeoutofitshole.“Isawhimgoin,”hesaystohimself,“sohe’sboundtocomeout.Extraordinarilyinterestingworld.”Buttohisinferiors(suchasthegardener)hepretendsthatitisnotpleasurebutdutywhichkeepshim.“Don’ttalktome,fool.Can’tyouseethatI’vegotajobonhere?”
Chumhasfound,however,thathisparticularmissioninlifeistopurgehismaster’sgardenofallbirds.Thiskeepshimbusy.Assoonasheseesablackbirdonthelawnheisinfullcryafterit.Whenhegetstotheplaceandfindstheblackbirdgone,hepretendsthathewasgoingthereanyhow;hegallopsroundincircles,rollsoveronceortwice,andthentrotsbackagain.“Youdidn’tREALLYthinkIwassuchafoolastotrytocatchaBLACKBIRD?”hesaystous.“No,Iwasjusttakingalittlerun—splendidthingforthefigure.”
AnditisjustChum’slittlerunsoverthebedswhichcallaloudforfirmness—which,infact,haveinspiredmybirthdaypresenttohim.Butthereisthisdifficultytoovercomefirst.Whenhecametolivewithusanarrangementwasenteredinto(sohesays)bywhichonebedwasgiventohimashisown.Inthatbedhecouldwanderatwill,buryingbonesandbiscuits,huntingbirds.Thismayhavebeenso,butitisapitythatnobodybutChumknowsdefinitelywhichisthe
havebeenso,butitisapitythatnobodybutChumknowsdefinitelywhichisthebed.
“Chum,youbounder,”Ishoutasheisabouttowadethroughtheherbaceousborder.
Hetakesnonotice;hestrugglesthroughtotheotherside.Butasuddenthoughtstrikeshim,andhepusheshiswaybackagain.
“Didyoucallme?”hesays.
“HowDAREyouwalkovertheflowers?”
Hecomesupmeekly.
“IsupposeI’vedoneSOMETHINGwrong,”hesays,“butIcan’tTHINKwhat.”
Ismackhisheadforhim.HewaitsuntilheisquitesureIhavefinished,andthenjumpsupwithabark,wipeshispawsonmytrousersandtrotsintotheherbaceousborderagain.
“Chum!”Icry.
Hesitsdowninitandlooksallroundhiminamazement.
“Myownbed!”hemurmurs.“Giventome!”
Idon’tknowwhatitisinhimwhichsocatchesholdofyou.Hiswayofsitting,areproachfulstatue,motionlessoutsidethewindowofwhomeverhewantstocomeoutandplaywithhim—untilyoucanbearitnolonger,butmusteithergointothegardenordrawdowntheblindsfortheday;hishabit,whenyouAREout,ofsittinguponhisbacklegsandbeggingyouwithhisfrontpawstocomeandDOsomething—atrickentirelyofhisowninvention,fornoonewouldthinkofteachinghimanything;hisfunnynauticalrollwhenhewalks,whichisnearlyaswagger,andgiveshimalwaystheairofhavingjustcomebackfromsomeratherdashingadventure;beyondallthisthereisstillsomething.Andwhateveritis,itissomethingwhicheverynowandthencompelsyoutobenddownandcatchholdofhislongsilkyears,tolookintohishonesteyesandsay—
“Yousillyoldass!YouDEARoldSILLYoldass!”
BETTY
THEHOTELCHILD
IWASintheloungewhenImadeheracquaintance,enjoyingapipeaftertea,andperhaps—Idon’tknow—closingmyeyesnowandthen.
“Wouldyouliketoseemyshells?”sheaskedsuddenly.
Iwokeupandlookedather.Shewasaboutsevenyearsold,pretty,dark,andverymuchatease.
“Ishouldloveit,”Isaid.
Sheproducedalargepaperbagfromsomewhere,andpouredthecontentsinfrontofme.
“I’vegottwohundredandfifty-eight,”sheannounced.
“SoIsee,”Isaid.Iwasn’tgoingtocountthem.”
“Ithinkthey’reverypretty.I’llgiveyouoneifyoulike.Whichonewillyouchoose?”
Isatupandexaminedthemcarefully.Seeinghowshortatimewehadknowneachother,Ididn’tfeelthatIcouldtakeoneofthegoodones.AfteralittlethoughtIchosequiteaplainone,whichhadbelongedtoawinklesomeweeksago.
“Thankyouverymuch,”Isaid.
“Idon’tthinkyouchooseshellsatallwell,”shesaidscornfully.“That’soneoftheuglyones.”
“Itwillgrowonme,”Iexplained.“InayearortwoIshallthinkitbeautiful.”
“I’llletyouhavethisonetoo,”saidshe,pickingoutthebest.“Now,shallweplayatsomething?”
playatsomething?”
Ihadbeenplayingatsomethingallday.Alittlethinkinginfrontofthefirewasmypresentprogramme.
“Let’stalkinstead,”Isuggested.“What’syourname?”
“Betty.”
“IknewitwasBetty.YoulookjustlikeBetty.”
“What’syours?”
SomehowIhadn’texpectedthat.Afterall,though,itwasonlyfair.
“Orlando,”Isaid.
“Whatafunnyname.Idon’tlikeit.”
“Youshouldhavesaidsobefore.It’stoolatenow.Whathaveyoubeendoingallday?”
“Playingonthesands.Whathaveyoubeendoing?”
“I’vebeenplayinginthesandtoo.Isuppose,Betty,youknownearlyeverybodyinthehotel?”
“Oh,Iplaywiththemallsometimes.”
“Yes;thentellme,Betty,doyouevergetaskedwhattimeyougotobed?”
“TheyALLaskmethat,”saidBettypromptly.
“IthinkIshouldliketoaskyoutoo,”Isaid,“justtobeinthemovement.Whenisit?”
“Half-pastsix.”Shelookedattheclock.“Sowe’vegothalfanhour.I’llgetmyball.”
BeforeIhadtimetodoanythingaboutit,theballcamebouncingin,hitmeon
BeforeIhadtimetodoanythingaboutit,theballcamebouncingin,hitmeonthesideofthehead,andhurriedofftohideitselfunderanoldladydozinginthecorner.Bettyfollowedmoresedately.
“Where’smyball?”sheasked.
“Hasitcomein?”Isaidinsurprise.“Thenitmusthavegoneoutagain.Itnoticedyouweren’there.”
“Ibelieveyou’vegotit.”
“IswearIhaven’t,Betty.Ithinktheladyinthecornerknowssomethingaboutit.”
Bettyrushedacrosstoherandbegantocrawlunderherchair.Inervouslyrehearsedafewsentencestomyself.
“Itisnotmychild,madam.Ifoundithere.Surelyyoucanseethatthereisnolikenessbetweenus?Ifwekeepquitestillperhapsitwillgoaway.”
“I’vegotit,”criedBetty,andtheoldladywokeupwithajerk.
“Whatareyoudoing,child?”shesaidcrossly.
“Yourlittlegirl,madam,”Ibegan—butBetty’sballbitmeontheheadagainbeforeIcoulddevelopmytheme.
“Yourlittlegirl,sir,”begantheoldladyatthesamemoment.
“Isaiditfirst,”Imurmured.“Betty,”Iwentonaloud,“whatisyourname,mychild?”
“You’vejustsaidit.”
“Imean,”Icorrectedmyselfquickly,“wheredoyoulive?”
“Kensington.”
Ilookedtriumphantlyattheoldlady.Surelyafatherwouldn’tneedtoaskhisownchildwhereshelived?However,theoldladywasasleepagain.IturnedtoBetty.
“Weshallhavetoplaythisgamemorequietly,”Isaid.“Infact,wehadbettermakesomenewrules.Insteadofhittingmeontheheadeachtime,youcanrolltheballgentlyalongthefloortome,andIshallrollitgentlybacktoyou.Andtheonewhomissesitfirstgoestobed.”
Igaveheraneasyonetostartwith,wishingtoworkupnaturallytothedenouement,andshegavemeaverydifficultoneback,notquiteunderstandingtheobjectofthegame.
“You’vegottogotobed,”shecried,clappingherhands.“You’vegot—togo—tobed.You’vegot—togo—tobed.You’ve—”
“Allright,”Isaidcoldly.“Don’tmakeasongaboutit.”
Itwastenminutespastsix.Igenerallygotobedateleven-thirty.ItwouldbethelongestnightIhadhadforyears.Isighedandpreparedtogo.
“Youneedn’tgotillhalf-past,”saidBettykindly.
“No,no,”Isaidfirmly.“Rulesarerules.”Ihadjustrememberedthattherewasnothingintherulesaboutnotgettingupagain.
“ThenI’llcomewithyouandseeyourroom.”
“No,youmustn’tdothat;you’dfalloutofthewindow.It’saverytrickywindow.I’malwaysfallingoutofitmyself.”
“Thenlet’sgoonplayinghere,andwewon’tgotobedifwemiss.”
“Verywell,”Iagreed.Reallytherewasnothingelseforit.
Robbedofitschiefinterest,thegameproved,aftertenminutesorso,tobeoneofthedullerones.Whateverpeoplesay,Idon’tthinkitcompareswithcricket,forinstance.Itiscertainlynotsosubtleasgolf.
“Ilikeplayingthisgame,”saidBetty.“Don’tyou?”
“IthinkIshallgettoloveit,”Isaid,lookingattheclock.Therewerestillfiveminutes,andIrolleddownaveryfastgooglywhichbeatherentirelyandwentstraightforthedoor.Undertheoldrulesshewouldhavegonetobedatonce.Alas,that—
Alas,that—
“Lookout,”Isaidasshewentafterit,“there’ssomebodycomingin.”
Somebodycamein.ShesmiledruefullyatusandthentookBetty’shand.
“I’mafraidmylittlegirlhasbeenworryingyou,”shesaidprettily.
“IKNEWyou’dsaythat,”saidBetty.
CINDERELLA
(BEINGANEXTRACTFROMHERDIARY—PICKEDUPBEHINDTHESCENES)
TUESDAY.—SometimesIthinkIamaveryluckygirlhavingtwobigsisterstolookafterme.Iexpecttherearelotsofyounggirlswhohavenobodyatall,andIthinktheymustbesolonely.Thereisalwaysplentyoffungoingoninourhouse.YesterdayIheardSisterFredtellingSisterBertsomethingaboutheroldmancominghomeverylateonenight—Ididn’tquiteunderstandwhotheoldmanwas,orwhatitwasallabout,butIknowSisterBertthoughtitwasveryfunny,andIseemedtohearalotofpeoplelaughing;perhapsitwasthefairies.AndthenwheneverSisterBertsitsdownshealwayspullsherskirtrightuptoherknees,soaspeoplecanseeherstockings.Imeanthere’salwaysSOMETHINGamusinghappening.
OfcourseIhaveagooddealofworktodo,andallthewashingup,butmysistersaresobigandstrongthatonecan’texpectthemtobotherthemselveswithnigglinglittlethingslikethat.Besides,theyhavesomanyotherthingstodo.Onlythismorning,whenSisterBertwasjustgoingtositdown,SisterFredpulledawayherchair,andshesatonthefloorandherlegswentupintheair.Shesaiditwasa“grandslam,”whichsomeofusthoughtveryfunny.Ididn’tlaughmyself,becauseInevergooutanywhere,andsoIdon’tunderstandtopicalremarks,butIdothinkitisnicetoliveinsuchanamusinghouse.
(LATER.)—Awonderfulthinghashappened!TwomessengerscamefromthePrinceanhouragotoinviteustotheballto-night!I’dneverseenamessengerinmylife,soIpeepedoutofthechimneycorneratthemandwonderediftheywouldstaytotea.Butinsteadofthatmysistersputupwhattheycalla“trapeze”(Ineverknewwehadonebefore),andthemessengersdidsomeEXTRAORDINARYthingsonit,Ithoughttheywouldkillthemselves.Afteritwasover,SisterFredtoldthemalotofstoriesabouttheoldman,andaltogetheritwasquitedifferentfromwhatIexpected.OursISafunnyhouse.
Assoonasthemessengershadgone,mysistersbegantogetreadyfortheball.IknewIshouldn’tbeabletogo,becauseIhaven’tgotafrock,andIsimplyCOULDN’Twearanythingoftheirs,theyaresomuchbiggerthanIam.TheyfinisheddressingDOWNSTAIRSforsomereason,whereanybodymighthaveseenthem—theyaresofunnyaboutthingslikethat—andwehadalotof
seenthem—theyaresofunnyaboutthingslikethat—andwehadalotoflaughterabouttheclothesbeingtootightandsoon.Ithinkanythinglikethatissoamusing.Thentheywentoff,andhereIamallalone.Itisgettingdark,andsoIamgoingtocheermyselfupbysingingalittle.
(LATER).—IAMGOINGTOTHEBALL!MyFairyGodmother,whomIhadoftenheardabout,suddenlycametoseeus.Itoldhermysisterswereout,andsheaskedwheretheyhadgone,andwouldn’tIliketogotoo,soofcourseIsaidIshouldLOVEit.SoIamgoing,andshehasgotafrockformeandeverything.Sheisverykind,butnotquitesoFAIRY-LIKEasIexpected.
WEDNESDAY.—IhavehadaLOVELYtime,andIthinkIaminlove.IgottotheBalljustasthejugglingandtheventriloquismwereover—itmustbeadelightfulCourttolivein—andtherewasSUCHasensationasIappeared.ThePrincesingledmeoutatonce.HehasthepinkestcheeksandthereddestlipsofanymanIknow,andhisvoiceissoftandgentle,andoh!Ilovehim.Onewantsamantobemanlyandawomantobewomanly,andIdon’tthinkIshouldloveamanifhewereatalllikeSisterFredorSisterBert.ThePrinceisQUITEdifferent.Wewerealonemostofthetime,andwesangseveralsongstogether.Mysistersneverrecognizedme;itwasmostsurprising.IheardSisterFredtellingaveryfine-lookinggentlemanastoryaboutalodger(whateverthatis)whohadabitofahead;itsoundedveryhumorous.WhereverSisterFredgoesthereissuretobefun.IamindeedaluckygirltohavetwosuchsistersandtobeinlovewithaPrince.SisterBertsatdownonthefloortwice—itwasmostamusing.
Aterriblethinghappenedjustastheclockstrucktwelve.Allmyclothesturnedintorags,andIjustRANoutoftheroom,Iwassofrightened.ThenIrememberedwhatmyFairyGodmotherhadsaidaboutleavingbeforetwelveo’clock.IsupposesheknewwhatwouldhappenifIdidn’t.I’mafraidIleftaglassslipperbehind—Ihopeshewon’tmindaboutit.
Well,I’vehadalovelytime.EvenifIneverseethePrinceagain,Ishallalwayshavethistolookbackto.Idon’tmindWHAThappensnow.
THURSDAY.—IAMGOINGTOMARRYTHEPRINCE!Ican’tbelieveitistrue.Perhapsitisonlyadream,andIshallwakeupsoon,butevenifit’sadreamit’sjustasgoodasifitwerereal.ItwasallbecauseoftheslipperIleftbehind.ThePrincesaidthathewouldmarrythepersonwhomitfitted,becausehehadfalleninlovewiththeladywhoworeitattheball(ME!),andso
hehadfalleninlovewiththeladywhoworeitattheball(ME!),andsoeverybodytriediton.Andtheycametoourhouse,andSisterBerttriediton.Shepulledherskirtuptoherkneesandmadeeverybodylaugh,buteventhenshecouldn’tgetintoit.AndSisterFredmadealotoffaces,butSHEcouldn’t.SoIsaid,“LetMEtry,”andtheyalllaughed,butthePrincesaidIshould,andofcourseitfittedatonce.Thentheyallrecognizedme,andthePrincekissedme,andawholelotofpeoplecameintothehousewhohadneverbeeninvited,andwehadthetrapezeoutagain,andtherewasjugglingandventriloquism,andweallsangsongsaboutsomebodycalledFlanagan(whomIdon’tthinkIhaveevermet),andSisterBertkeptsittingdownsuddenlyonthefloor.(ButthePrincedidn’tthinkthiswasatallfunny,soIexpectImusthavebeenrightallthetimewhenIhaveonlyPRETENDEDtolaugh.IusedtothinkthatperhapsIhadn’tasenseofhumour.)AndthenthePrincekissedmeagain,andmyFairyGodmothercameinandkissedusboth.Ofcoursewedooweitalltoherreally,andIshalltellCharmingso.
IdothinkIamawonderfulperson!
FATHERCHRISTMAS
Outsideinthestreettherainfellpitilessly,butinsidetheChildren’sShopallwaswarmthandbrightness.Happyyoungpeopleofallagespressedalong,andIhadnosooneropenedthedoorthanIwasreceivedintotheeagerstreamofshoppersandhurriedawaytoFairyland.Aslightblockatonecornerpitchedmeintoanold,white-beardedgentlemanwhowasstandingnexttome.Instantlymyhatwasinmyhand.
“Ibegyourpardon,”Isaidwithabow.“Iwas—Oh,I’msorry,Ithoughtyouwerereal.”Istraightenedhimup,lookedathisprice,andwonderedwhetherIshouldbuyhim.
“Whatdoyoumeanbyreal?”hesaid.
Istartedviolentlyandtookmyhatoffagain.
“Iamverystupidthismorning,”Ibegan.“ThefactisImistookyouforatoy.Afoolisherror.”
“IAMatoy.”
“Inthatcase,”Isaidinsomeannoyance,“Ican’tstayherearguingwithyou.Good-morning.”AndItookmyhatoffforthethirdtime.
“Don’tgo.Stopandbuyme.You’llnevergetwhatyouwantifyoudon’ttakemewithyou.I’vebeeninthisplaceforyears,andIknowexactlywhereeverythingis.Besides,asIshallhavetogiveawayallyourpresentsforyou,it’sonlyfairthat—”
Anattendantcameupandlookedatmeinquiringly.
“HowmuchisthisTHING?”Isaid,andjerkedathumbatit.
“TheFatherChristmas?”
“Yes.IthinkI’llhaveit.I’lltakeitwithme—youneedn’twrapitup.”
Ihandedoversomemoneyandwepushedontogether.
“YouheardwhatIcalledyou?”Isaidtohim.“Athing.Sodon’tgoputtingyourselfforward.”
Hegazedupinnocentlyfromundermyarm.
“Whatshallwegetfirst?”heasked.
“Iwanttheengine-room.Thelocomotiveinthehome.Theboy’sownrailroadtrack.”
“That’sdownstairs.Butdidyoureallythinkofanengine?Imean,isn’titratherlargeandheavy?Whynotgeta—”
Ismackedhishead,andwewentdownstairs.
Itwasadelightfulroom.IwasintroducedtopracticallythewholeoftheGreatWesternRailway’srollingstock.
“Engine,threecarriagesandaguard’svan.That’sright.ThenIshallwantsomerails,ofcourse….SHUTup,willyou?”Isaidangrily,whentheattendantwasoutofhearing.
“It’stheextraweight,”hesighed.“Thereindeerdon’tlikeit.Andthesemodernchimneys—you’venoideawhatasqueezeitis.However—”
“Thoseareveryjolly,”IsaidwhenIhadexaminedtherails.“Ishallwantaboutamileofthem.Threepenceha’pennyafoot?ThenIshan’twantnearlyamile.”
Igotaboutthirtyfeet,andthenturnedtoswitchesandsignalsandlampsandthings.Iboughtalotofthose.Youneverknowwhatemergencymightnotariseonthenurseryfloor,andifanythinghappenedforwantofaswitchortwoIshouldneverforgivemyself.
JustasweweregoingawayIcaughtsightofthejolliestlittleclockworktorpedoboat.Istoppedirresolute.
“Don’tbesilly,”saidthevoiceundermyarm.“You’llneverbeaskedtothehouseagainifyougivethat.”
“Whynot?”
“Waittillthechildrenhavefallenintothebathonceortwicewithalltheirclotheson,andthenaskthemotherwhynot.”
“Isee,”Isaidstiffly,andwewentupstairs.
“Thenextthingwewantisbricks.”
“Bricks,”saidFatherChristmasuneasily.“Bricks.Yes,there’sbricks.Haveyoueverthoughtofoneofthosenicelittlewoollyrabbits—”
“Wheredowegetbricks?”
“Bricks.Youknow,Idon’tthinkmothersareasfondasallthatofBRICKS.”
“Igotthemother’spresentyesterday,thanksverymuch.Thisisforoneofthechildren.”
Theyshowedmebricksandtheyshowedmepicturesofwhatthebrickswouldbuild.Palaces,simplypalaces.GonewastheBalbus-wallofouryouth;gonewasthefortwithitsarrow-holesforthearchers.NothingnowbuttemplesandMoorishpalaces.
“Jove,Ishouldlovethat,”Isaid.”ImeanHEwouldlovethat.Doyouwantmuchlandforahouseofthatsize?Iknowofasiteonthenurseryfloor,but—well,ofcourse,wecouldalwayshaveanironbuildingoutsideinthepassageforthebilliardtable.”
Wepaidandmovedoffagain.
“Whatareyoumumblingaboutnow?”Iasked.
“Isaidyou’llonlymaketheboydiscontentedwithhispresenthomeifyouteachhimtobuildnothingbutcastlesandruinedabbeysandthings.AndyouWILLruntobulk.Halfofthosebrickswouldhavemadeaverynicepresentforanybody.”
“Yes,andwhenroyaltycomesonavisit,wherewouldyouputthem?They’dhavetopigitinthebox-room.Ifwe’regoingtohaveapalace,let’shaveagoodone.”
one.”
“Verywell.Whatdoyourchildrenhangup?Stockingsorpillow-cases?”
Wewentdownstairsagain.
“Havingprovidedfortheengineerandthearchitect,”Isaid,“wenowhavetoconsiderthegentlemaninthedairybusiness.Iwantamilk-cart.”
“Youwantamilk-cart!Youwantamilk-cart!Youwanta—Whynothaveabrewer’sdray?Whynothavesomethingreallyheavy?Thereindeerwouldn’tmind.They’vebeenouteverydaythisweek,butthey’dloveit.Whataboutaniceskating-rink?Whatabout—”
Iputhimheaddownwardsinmypocketandapproachedanofficial.
“Doyoukeepmilk-carts?”Isaiddiffidently.
Hescreweduphisfaceandthought.
“Icouldgetyouone,”hesaid.
“Idon’twantyoutobuildonespeciallyforme.Iftheyaren’tmade,Iexpectit’sbecausemothersdon’tlikethem.Itwasjustanideaofmine.”
“Ohyes,they’remade.Icanshowapictureofoneinourcatalogue.”
Heshowedittome.Itwasaboutthesizeofaperambulator,andcontainedeverykindofcan.IsimplyhadtoletFatherChristmassee.
“Lookatthat!”Iexclaimedindelight.
“Goodlord!”hesaid,anddivedintothepocketagain.
Iheldhimtheretightlyandfinishedmybusinesswiththeofficial.
FatherChristmashasneverspokensince.SometimesIwonderifheeverspokeatall,foroneimaginesstrangethingsintheChildren’sShop.Hestandsnowonmywriting-table,andobservesmewiththefriendlysmilewhichhasbeensofixedafeatureofhissinceIbroughthimhome.
MISSMIDDLETON
I.—TAKINGACALL
“MAYIcomein?”saidMissMiddleton.
Ilookedupfrommybookandstaredatherinamazement.
“Hullo,”Isaid.
“Hullo,”saidMissMiddletondoubtfully.
“Areyougoingtohaveteawithme?”
“That’swhatIwaswonderingallthewayup.”
“It’sallready;infact,I’venearlyfinished.There’sacaketo-day,too.”
MissMiddletonhesitatedatthedoorandlookedwistfullyatme.
“Isuppose—Isuppose,”shesaidtimidly,“youthinkIoughttohavebroughtsomebody,withme?”
“Inaway,I’mjustasgladyoudidn’t.”
“I’veheapsofchaperonsoutsideonthestairs,youknow.”
“There’snoplacelikeoutsideforchaperons.”
“AndtheliftmanbelievesI’myouraunt.Atleast,perhapshedoesn’t,butImentionedittohim.”
Ilookedather,andthenIsmiled.AndthenIlaughed.
“Sothat’sallright,”shesaidbreathlessly.“AndIwantmytea.”Shecamein,andbegantoarrangeherhatinfrontoftheglass.
“Tea,”Isaid,goingtothecupboard.“Isupposeyou’llwantacuptoyourself.
“Tea,”Isaid,goingtothecupboard.“Isupposeyou’llwantacuptoyourself.Thereyouare—don’tloseit.Milk.Sugar.”
MissMiddletontookalargepieceofcake.“WhatwereyoustudyingsoearnestlywhenIcamein?”sheaskedasshemunched.
“Adictionary.”
“ButhowluckyIcame.BecauseIcanspellsimplyeverything.Whatisityouwanttoknow?”
“Idon’twanttoknowhowtospellanything,thankyou;butIbelieveyoucanhelpmeallthesame.”
MissMiddletonsatdownanddrankhertea.“Ilovehelping,”shesaid.
“Well,it’sthis.I’vejustbeenaskedtobeagodfather.”
MissMiddletonstoodupsuddenly.“DoIsalute,”sheasked.
“Yousitdownandgooneating.Thedifficultyis—whattocallit?”
“Oh,dogodfathersprovidethenames?”
“Ithinkso.Itiswhattheyaretherefor,Ifancy.Thatisaboutallthereisinit,Ibelieve.”
“Andcan’tyoufindanythinginthedictionary?”
“Well,Idon’tthinkthedictionaryishelpingasmuchasIexpected.Itonlymuddlesme.DidyouknowthatAlgernonmeant‘withwhiskers’?I’mnotthinkingofcallingitAlgernon,butthat’sthesortofthingtheyspringonyou.”
“ButIhateAlgernonanyhow.Whynotchoosequiteasimplename?Hadyouthoughtof‘John,’forinstance?”
“No,Ihadn’tthoughtof‘John,’somehow.”
“Or‘Gerald’?”
“‘Gerald’Ilikeverymuch.”
“Whatabout‘Dick’?”shewentoneagerly.
“Whatabout‘Dick’?”shewentoneagerly.
“Yes,‘Dick’isquitejolly.Bytheway,didItellyouitwasagirl?”
MissMiddletonrosewithdignity.
“ForyoursliceofplumcakeandyoursmallcupofteaIthankyou,”shesaid;“andIamnowgoingstraighthometomother.”
“Notyet,”Ipleaded.
“I’lljustaskyouonequestionbeforeIgo.Wheredoyoukeepthebiscuits?”
Shefoundthebiscuitsandsatdownagain.
“Agirl’sname,”Isaidencouragingly.
“Yes.Well,isshefairordark?”
“She’sverysmallatpresent.Whatthereisofherisdark,Ibelieve.”
“Well,therearemillionsofnamesfordarkgirls.”
“Weonlywantoneortwo.”
“‘Barbara’isanicedarkname.Isshegoingtobepretty?”
“Hermothersayssheis.Ididn’trecognizethesymptoms.Veryprettyandverycleverandveryhigh-spirited,hermothersays.Isthereanameforthat?”
“Ialwayscallthemwhoppers,”saidMissMiddleton.
“Howdoyoulike‘AlisonMary’?Thatwasmyfirstidea.”
“Oh,Ithoughtitwasalways‘WilliamandMary.’Orelse‘VictoriaandAlbert.’”
“Ididn’tsay‘AliceANDMary,’stoopid.Isaid‘Alison,’aScotchname.”
“Buthowperfectlysweet!Whyweren’tyouMYgodfather?Wouldyouhavegivenmeanapkinring?”
“Probably.Iwillnow,ifyoulike.Thenyouapproveof‘AlisonMary’?”
“Probably.Iwillnow,ifyoulike.Thenyouapproveof‘AlisonMary’?”
“Iloveit.Thankyouverymuch.Andwillyoualwayscallme‘Alison’infuture?”
“Isay,”Ibeganinalarm,“I’mnotgivingthatnametoyou.It’sformygodchild.”
“Ohno!‘Alisons’areALWAYSfair.”
“You’vejustmadethatup,”Isaidsuspiciously.“Howdoyouknow?”
“Sortofinstinct.”
“Theworstofitis,Ibelieveyou’reright.”
“OfcourseIam.Thatsettlesit.Now,whatwasyournextidea?”
“‘Angela.’”
“‘Angelas,’”saidMissMiddleton,“areALWAYSfair.”
“Whydoyouwantallthenamestoyourself?Yousayeverything’sfair.”
“Whycanyouonlythinkofnamesbeginningwith‘A’?Tryanotherletter.”
“SupposeYOUtrynow.”
MissMiddletonwrinkledherbrowandnibbledalumpofsugar.
“‘Dorothy,’”shesaidatlast,“becauseyoucancallthem‘Dolly.’”
“ThereISonlyone.”
“Or‘Dodo.’”
“Anditisn’tabird.”
“Thenthere’s‘Violet.’”
“Mygoodgirl,youdon’tunderstand.Anyofthesecommonnamestheparentscouldhavethoughtofforthemselves.Thefactthattheyhavegotmeinatgreatexpense—tomyself—showsthattheywantsomethingoutoftheordinary.How
expense—tomyself—showsthattheywantsomethingoutoftheordinary.HowcanIgotothemandsay,‘Aftergivingavastamountoftimetothequestion,Ihavedecidedtocallyourchild‘Violet’?Itcan’tbedone.”
MissMiddletonabsentlytookanotherlumpofsugarand,catchingmyeye,putitbackagain.
“Idon’tbelievethatyou’veeverbeenagodfatherbefore,”shesaid,“orthatyouknowanythingatallaboutwhatitisyou’resupposedtobegoingtodo.”
Therewasaknockatthedoor,andtheliftmancamein.MissMiddletongavealittlecoughofrecognition.
“Aletter,sir,”hesaid.
“Thanks….AndasIwassaying,AuntAlison,”Iwentoninaloudvoice,“youaretalkingrubbish.”
…….
“Bah!”Isaidangrily,andIthrewtheletterdown.
“Wouldyouliketobeleftalone?”suggestedMissMiddletonkindly.
“Itisfromthechild’sso-calledparents,andtheirwretchedoffspringistobecalled‘VioletDaisy.’”
“‘VioletDaisy,’”saidMissMiddletonsolemnly,tryingnottosmile.
“Whystopthere?”Isaidbitterly.“Whynot‘Geranium’and‘Artichoke,’andthewholeblessedgarden?”
“‘Artichoke,’”saidMissMiddletongravely,“isaboy’sname.”
“Well,Iwashmyhandsofthewholebusinessnow.NonapkinringfromME.HerehaveIbeenwastinghoursandhoursinthought,andthenjustwhentheworstofitisover,theycalmlystepinlikethis.Icallit—”
“Yes?”saidMissMiddletoneagerly.
“Icallitsimply—”
“Yes?”
“‘VioletDaisy,’”Ifinished,withagreateffort.
II.—OUTOFTHEHURLY-BURLY
“OURdance,”Isaid;“andit’snogoodpretendingitisn’t.”
“Comeon,”saidMissMiddleton.“It’smyfavouritewaltz.IexpectI’vesaidthattoallmypartnersto-night.”
“It’smyfavouritetoo,butyou’rethefirstpersonI’vetold.”
“Theworstofhavingadanceinyourownhouse,”saidMissMiddleton,afterwehadbeenonceroundtheroominsilence,“isthatyouhavetodancewithEVERYBODY.”
“Haveyousaidthattoallyourpartnerstoo?”
“Iexpectso.Imusthavesaideverything.Don’tlooksoreproachfullyatme.YouARElookingreproachful,aren’tyou?”
Iletgowithonehandandfeltmyface.
“Yes,”Isaid.“That’showIdoit.”
“Well,youneedn’tbother,becausenoneofthemthoughtImeantTHEM.Menneverdo.”
“Ishallhavetothinkthatoverbymyself,”Isaidafterapause.“There’salotinthatwhichtheuntrainedobservermightmiss.Anyhow,it’snotatallthesortofthingthatayounggirloughttosayatadance.”
“I’molderthanyouthink,”saidMissMiddleton.“Oh,bother,Iforgot.You
“I’molderthanyouthink,”saidMissMiddleton.“Oh,bother,Iforgot.YouknowhowoldIam.”
“Perhapsyou’vebeenageinglately.Ihave.Thislastelectionhasaddedyearstomylife.Icameheretogetyoungagain.”
“Idon’tknowanythingaboutpolitics.Fatherdoesalltheknowinginourfamily.”
“He’sontherightside,isn’the?”
“Ithinkheis.Hesaysheis.”
“Oh,well,heoughttoknow….Yes,thetruthisIcameheretobelikedagain.PeopleandIhavebeensayingawfullyrudethingstoeachotherlately.”
“Oh,whydoyouwanttoargueaboutpolitics?”
“ButIDON’Twantto.It’safunnything,butnobodywillbelievemewhenIsaythat.”
“Iexpectit’sbecauseyousayitAFTERyou’vefinishedarguing,insteadofBEFORE,”
“Perhapsthat’sit.”
“Ineverarguewithmother.Isimplytellhertodosomething,andshetellsmeafterwardswhyshehasn’t.”
“Really,IthinkMrsMiddletonhasdonewonderfullywell,considering.Someparentsdon’teventellyouwhytheyhaven’t.”
“Oh,I’drecommendheranywhere,”saidMissMiddletonconfidently.
Wedroppedintosilenceagain.Anyhow,itwasMYfavouritewaltz.
“Youdidsay,didn’tyou,thefirstdancewehadtogether,”saidMissMiddletondreamily,“thatyoupreferrednottotalkwhenyoudanced?”
“Didn’tIsaythatIshouldprefertodowhateveryoupreferred?Thatsoundsmorelikeme.”
“Idon’tthinkitdoes,abit.”
“No,perhapsyou’reright.Besides,IremembernowwhatIdidsay.IsaidthatmuchasIenjoyedthepleasantgiveandtakeoffriendlyconversation,dearlyasIlovedeventheirresponsiblemonologueorthebitingrepartee,yetstillmorewasIattachedtothesilentworshipofthevalse’smazyrhythm.‘BUT,’Iwentontosay,‘but,’Iadded,withsurprisingoriginality,‘everyrulehasanexception.YOUaretheexception.MayIhavetwodances,andthenwe’lltryoneofeach?’”
“WhatdidIsay?”
“Yousaid,‘Sir,somethingtellsmethatweshallbegreatfriends.Ilikeyourface,andIlikethewayyourtiegoesunderyourleftear.IcannotgiveyouALLthedancesontheprogramme,becauseIhavemymotherwithmeto-night,andyouknowwhatmothersare.TheyNOTICE.Butanythinguptohalfadozen,distributedatsuchintervalsthatone’sguardianswillthinkit’sthesamedance,youareheartilywelcometo.Andifyoucaretotakemeintosupper,thereis—Ihavetheinformationstraightfromthestable—alineinunbreakablemeringueswhichwouldwellbeworthourattention.’That’swhatyousaid.”
“Butwhatamemory!”
“Icanremembermorethanthat.Icanrememhertheactualstruggle.Igotmymeringuedownonthemat,bothshoulderstouching,inoneminute,forty-threeseconds.”
Thebanddiedslowlydownuntilnosoundcouldbeheardabovetherustleoffrocks…andsuddenlyeverybodyrealizedthatithadstopped.
“Bother,”saidMissMiddleton.
“That’sjustlikeaband,”Isaidbitterly.
“I’lltellittogoonagain;it’sMYband.”
“Itwillbeyourdevotedbandifyouaskitprettilyenough.”
MissMiddletonwentaway,andcamebacktothesoundofmusic,lookingratherpleasedwithherself.
“Didyougivehimthefamoussmile?”Iasked.“Yes,thatone.”
“Isaid,‘WOULDyoumindplayingthatoneagain,PLEASE?’Andthen—”
“Andthenyoulookedasifyouwerejustgoingtocry,andatthelastmomentyousmiledandsaid,‘Hooray.’Andhesaid,‘Certainly,madam.’Isn’tthatright?”
“Ibelieveyou’reclevererthansomeofusthink,”saidMissMiddleton,atrifleanxiously.
“Isometimesthinksotoo.However,togetbacktowhatweweresaying—Icameheretorecovermyusualcalm,andIshan’tbeatallcalmifI’monlygoingtogetthisonedancefromyou.Asanoldfriendofthefamily,whohasbrokenmostofthewindows,Ibegforanother.”
“TogetbacktowhatIwassaying—I’vesimplyGOTtodoalotofdutydances.Can’tyoutakemetotheZooorthePost-Impressionistsinstead?”
“I’dratherdoboth.Imeanallthree.No,Imeanboth.”
“Well,perhapsIwould,too.”
“Youknow,Ithinkyou’dbedoinggood.I’vehadahorribleweek—canvassing,andstandinginthestreets,andshouting,andreadingleaders,andarguing,andsaying,‘Mypointisperfectlysimple,’and—and—swearing,andallsortsofthings.It’sawfullyjollyto—tofeelthatthere’salways—well,allTHIS,”andIlookedroundtheroom,“tocomebackto.”
“Isn’tthatbeautifulMissEllisonIintroducedyoutojustnowpartof‘allthis’?”
“Ohyes,it’sallpart;but—”
MissMiddletonsighed.
“Thenthatniceyoungmanwiththebaldheadwillhavetogowithout.ButIonlysaidI’dSEEifIcouldgivehimone.AndIhaveseen,haven’tI?”
Thebandreallystoppedthistime,andwefoundacomfortablecorner.
“That’sveryjollyofyou,”Isaid,asIleantbacklazilyandhappily.“Nowlet’s
“That’sveryjollyofyou,”Isaid,asIleantbacklazilyandhappily.“Nowlet’stalkaboutChristmas.”
III.—ANOTHERMILESTONE
“You’reverythoughtful,”saidMissMiddleton.“What’sthematter?”
“Iamextremelyunhappy,”Iconfessed.
“Oh,butthinkofFosterandHobbsandWoolley.”
IthoughtofFoster;IletmyminddwelluponHobbs.Itwasnogood.
“Iamstillrathersad,”Isaid.
“Why?Doesn’tanybodyloveyou?”
“Millionsadoremefiercely.Itisn’tthatatall.ThefactisI’vejusthadabirthday.”
“Oh,IAMsorry.Manyhappy—”
“Thankyou.”
“Ithoughtitwasto-morrow,”MissMiddletonwentoneagerly.“AndI’dboughtacricketingsetforyou,butIhadtosenditbacktohavethebailssawnintwo.Orwouldyouratherhavehadabicycle?”
“I’dratherhavehadnothing.Iwanttoforgetaboutmybirthdayaltogether.”
“Oh,areyouasoldasthat?”
“Yes,”Isaidsadly,“Iamasoldasthat.Ihavepassedanotherlandmark.I’mwhattheycallgettingon.”
Wegazedintothefireinsilenceforsomeminutes.
“Ifit’sanycomforttoyou,”saidMissMiddletontimidly,“toknowthatyoudon’tLOOKanyolderthanyoudidlastweek—”
don’tLOOKanyolderthanyoudidlastweek—”
“I’mnotsurethatIfeelanyolder.”
“Then,exceptforbirthdays,howdoyouknowyouAREolder?”
IlookedatherandsawthatIcouldtrusther.
“MayIconfesstoyou?”Iasked.
“Butofcourse!”shecriedeagerly.“Iloveconfessions.”Shesettledherselfcomfortablyinherchair.“Makeitashorribleasyoucan,”shebegged.
Ipickedacoaloutofthefirewiththetongsandlitmycigarette.
“IknowthatI’mgettingold,”Isaid;“Iknowthatmyinnocentyouthisleavingme,becauseofthestrangeandterriblethingswhichIfindmyselfdoing.”
“Oo-o-o-oh,”saidMissMiddletonhappilytoherself.
“LastMonday,aboutthreeo’clockintheafternoon,I—No,Ican’ttellyouthis.It’stooawful.”
“Isitverybad?”saidMissMiddletonwistfully.
“Very.Idon’tthinkyou—Oh,well,ifyoumusthaveit,hereitis.LastMondayIsuddenlyfoundmyselfreadingcarefullyandwitheverysignofinterestalittlepamphleton—LIFEINSURANCE!”
MissMiddletonlookedatmequickly,smiledsuddenly,andthenbecameverygrave.
“Iappeared,”Iwentonimpressively,“tobethinkingofinsuringmylife.”
“Haveyoudoneit?”
“No,certainlynot.Idrewbackintime.Butitwasawarning—itwasthewritingonthewall.”
“Tellmesomemore,”saidMissMiddleton,aftershehadallowedthistosinkin.
“Well,thatwasMondayafternoon.Itoldmyselfthatintheafternoononewasn’t
“Well,thatwasMondayafternoon.Itoldmyselfthatintheafternoononewasn’tquiteresponsible,thatsometimesonewasonlyhalfawake.ButonTuesdaymorningIwashorrifiedtodiscovermyself—beforebreakfast—DOINGDUMB-BELLS!”
“Thesmelling-salts—quick!”saidMissMiddleton,assheclosedhereyes.
“Doingdumb-bells.Tenlungestotheeast,tenlungestothewest,tenlunges—”
“Wereyoureducingyourfigure?”
“Idon’tknowwhatIwasdoing.ButthereIfoundmyselfonthecoldoil-cloth,lungingaway—lungingandlungingand—”Istoppedandgazedintothefireagain.
“Isthatallyouhavetotellme?”saidMissMiddleton.
“That’stheworst.Buttherehavebeenotherlittlesymptoms—littlewarningnoteswhichallmeanthesamething.YesterdayIwentintothebank,togetsomemoney.AsIbegantofillinthechequeConsciencewhisperedtome,‘That’sthethirdfivepoundsyou’vehadoutthisweek.’”
“Well,ofalltheimpertinence—Whatdidyoudo?”
“Madeittenpounds,ofcourse.Butthereyouare;youseewhat’shappening.ThismorningIansweredaletterbyreturnofpost.Anddidyounoticewhatoccurredonlyjustnowattea?”
“OfcourseIdid,”saidMissMiddletonindignantly.“Youateallthemuffins.”
“No,Idon’tmeanthatatall.WhatImeanisthatIonlyhadthreelumpsofsugarineachcup.Iactuallystoppedyouwhenyouwereputtingthefourthlumpin.Ohyes,”Isaidbitterly,“Iamgettingon.”
MissMiddletonpokedthefirevigorously.
“Aboutthelunges,”shesaid.
“Tentotheeast,tentothewest,tentothenor’-nor’-east,tento-”
“Yes.Well,Ishouldhavethoughtthatthatwasjustthethingtokeepyouyoung.”
young.”
“Itis.That’sthetragedyofit.IusedtoBEyoung;nowIKEEPyoung.AndIusedtosay,‘I’llinsuremylifeSOMEday’;butnowIthinkaboutdoingitto-day.Whenonceyoustopsaying‘someday’you’regettingold,youknow.”
“Someday,”saidMissMiddleton,“youmusttellmeallabouttheCrimea.Notnow,”shewentonquickly,“becauseyou’regoingtodosomethingverysillyinamoment,ifIcanthinkofit—somethingtoconvinceyourselfthatyouarestillquiteyoung.”
“Yes,doletme.Ireallythinkitwoulddomegood.”
“Well,whatcanyoudo?”
“CanIbreakanything?”Iasked,lookingroundtheroom.
“Ireallydon’tthinkyoumust.Mother’sverysillyaboutthingslikethat.I’mSOsorry;fatherandIwouldloveit,ofcourse.”
“CanIgointothekitchenandfrightenthecook?”
MissMiddletonsighedmournfully.
“ISN’Titashame,”shesaid,“thatmothersobjecttoallthereallynicethings?”
“MrsMiddletonisalittledifficulttoplease.Ishallgiveuptryingdirectly.WhataboutblackingmyfaceandcallingontheVicarforasubscription?”
“IshouldlaughinchurchonSundaythinkingofit.Ialwaysdo.”
Ilitanothercigaretteandsmokeditthoughtfully.
“Ihaveabrilliantidea,”Isaidatlast.
“Somethingreallysilly?”
“Somethingpreposterouslyfoolish.ItseemstomejustnowthemostidioticthingIcouldpossiblydo.”
“Tellme!”beseechedMissMiddleton,claspingherhands.
“Ishall,”Isaid,gurglingwithlaughter,“insuremylife.”
“Ishall,”Isaid,gurglingwithlaughter,“insuremylife.”
IV.-THEHERALDOFSUMMER
MISSMIDDLETONhasagardenofwhichsheisveryproud.MissMiddleton’sfathersaysitbelongstohim,andthisideaisfosteredtotheextentthatheisallowedtopayfortheseedsandcuttingsandthings.Heisalsoencouragedtoorderthemenabout.ButIalwaysthinkofitasMissMiddleton’sgarden,particularlywhentheafternoonsarehotandIseenothingbutgrimybricksoutofmywindow.Sheknowsalltheflowersbyname,whichseemstomeratherremarkable.
“Ihavecome,”Iannounced,feelingthatsomeexcusewasnecessary,“toseethelobretias;don’tsaythattheyareout.Imean,ofcourse,dosaythattheyareout.”
“ButIdon’tthinkwehaveany,”shesaidinsurprise.“I’veneverheardofthem.Whataretheylike?”
“They’rejusttheordinarysortofflowerthatpeoplepointtoandsay,‘That’sanicelobretia.’Dashit,you’vegotagarden,yououghttoknow.”
“Iamafraid,”smiledMissMiddleton,“thatthereisn’tsuchaflower—notyet.Perhapssomebodywillinventitnowthey’vegotthename.”
“ThenIsupposeImustgobacktoLondon,”Isaid,gettingup.“Bother.”
“Stayandinspectthemeter,”pleadedMissMiddleton.“Oraskfatherforasubscriptionfortheband.SurelyyoucanthinkofSOMEexcuseforbeinghere.”
“Iwillstay,”Isaid,sittingdownagain,“andtalktoyou.Betweenourselves,itisoneofthereasonswhyIcame.Ithoughtyoumightliketohearallthelatestnews.Er—we’vestartedstrawberriesinLondon.”
MissMiddletonsighedandshookherhead.
“Butnothere,”shesaid.
“Iwasafraidnot,butIthoughtI’dremindyouincase.Well,afterall,whatAREstrawberries?Let’stalkaboutsomethingelse.Doyouknowthatthisisgoingtobethegreatestseasonofhistory?I’vegotafreepasstotheEarl’sCourtExhibition,soIshallberightinthethickofit.”
Exhibition,soIshallberightinthethickofit.”
“Oh,Ithoughtlastseasonwasthegreatone.”
“ItwasspoiltbytheCoronation,thepaperssay.YourememberhowbusywewereattheAbbey;wehadn’ttimeforanythingelse.”
“Whatelsedothepaperssay?Iseemtohavemissedthemlately.I’vehadathousandthingstodo.”
“Well,theSardineDefenceLeaguehasjustbeenformed.Ithinkofputtingupforit.Isupposeyouhavetosweartodoonekindactiontoasardineeveryday.Let’sbothjoin,andthenweshallprobablygetalotofinvitations.”
“DotheyhaveatentattheEtonandHarrowmatch?”askedMissMiddletonanxiously.
“Iwillinquire.IwonderifthereisaVice-Presidencyvacant.IshouldthinkaVice-PresidentoftheSardineDefenceLeaguecouldgoanywhere.”
“V.P.S.D.L.,”saidMissMiddletonthoughtfully.“Itwouldlooksplendid.Imustremembertosendyouapostcardto-morrow.”
Teacame,andIputmydeck-chaironerunguptomeetit.Itisdifficultinahorizontalpositiontodrinkwithoutspillinganything,anditlookssobadtogoaboutcoveredwithtea.
“Thisisveryjolly,”Isaid.“Doyouknowthatmyviewduringworkinghoursconsistsoftwobrokenwindowsandfiftysquarefeetofbrick?It’snotenough.It’snotwhatIcallavista.OnfinedaysIhavetogooutsidetoseewhetherthesunisshining.”
“Yououghtn’ttowanttolookoutofthewindowwhenyou’reworking.You’llneverbeaMayor.”
“Well,itallmakesmeappreciatethecountryproperly.IwishIknewmoreaboutgardens.Tellmeallaboutyours.Whenaretheraspberriesripe?”
“NottilltheendofJune.”
“Iwasafraidyou’dsaythat.MayIcomedownandseeyourgardenattheendofJune—onedaywhenI’mnotatEarl’sCourt?Youcangiveallthegardenersa
June—onedaywhenI’mnotatEarl’sCourt?Youcangiveallthegardenersaholidaythatday.IhatetobewatchedwhenI’mlookingatflowersandthings.”
“Areyouasfondofraspberriesasallthat?Whydidn’tIknow?”
“I’mnotabitmadaboutthem,really,butthey’reasymbolofSummer.OnasloshydayinNovember,asIgropemywaythroughthefog,Isaytomyself,‘Courage,theraspberrieswillsoonberipe.’”
“Butthatmeansthatsummerishalfover.ThecuckooiswhatI’mlisteningforallthroughNovember.IhearditinAprilthisyear.”
Ilookedroundtoseethatnobodywaswithinearshot.
“Ihaven’theardityet,”Iconfessed.“Itwasn’treallysomuchtoseethelobretiasastohearthecuckoothatIcametohaveteawithyou.Ifeeljustthesameaboutit;it’sthebeginningofeverything.AndIsaidtomyself,‘MissMiddletonmaynothaveafirst-rateshowoflobretias,becausepossiblyitisanunfavourablesoilforthem,ortheymaynotfitinwiththecolourscheme;butshedoesknowwhatisessentialtoapropergarden,andshe’llhaveacuckoo.’”
“Yes,wedoourselvesverywell,”saidMissMiddletonconfidently.
“Well,Ididn’tliketosayanythingaboutitbefore,becauseIthoughtitmightmakeyounervous,andsoI’vebeentalkingofotherthings.Butnowthatthesecretisout,ImaysaythatIamquiteready.”Istoppedandlistenedintentlywithmyheadononeside.
Therewasanappallingsilence.
“Idon’tseemtohearit,”Isaidatlast.
“ButIhaven’theardithereyet,”MissMiddletonprotested.“ItwasinHampshire.Thecuckoosherearealwaysabitlate.Yousee,ourgardentakesalittlefinding.Itisn’tsowellknownin—inAfrica,orwherevertheycomefrom—asHampshire.”
“Yes,butwhenI’vecomedownspeciallytohearit—”
“CUCK-OO,”saidMissMiddletonsuddenly,andlookedveryinnocent.
“There,thatwasthenightingale,butit’sthecuckooIreallywanttohear.”
“There,thatwasthenightingale,butit’sthecuckooIreallywanttohear.”
“IAMsorryaboutit.Ifyoulike,I’lllistentoyouwhileyoutellmewhoyouthinkoughttoplayforEngland.Ican’tmakeitmoresummeryforyouthanthat.Unlessrosesareanygood?”
“No,don’tbother,”Isaidinsomedisappointment;“you’vedoneyourbest.Wecan’tallhavecuckoosanymorethanwecanallhavelobretias.ImustcomeagaininAugust,whenoneofthepioneersmayhavestruggledhere.OfcourseinHampshire—”
“CUCK-OO,”saidsomebodyfromtheappletree.
“There!”criedMissMiddleton.
“That’smuchbetter,”Isaid.“Nowmakeitcomefromthelaburnum,Lieutenant.”
“I’mnotdoingit,really!”shesaid.“Atleastonlythefirsttime.”
“CUCK-OO,”saidsomebodyfromtheappletreeagain.
Therewasnodoubtaboutit.Iletmydeck-chairdownarungandpreparedtowelcomethesummer.
“Now,”Isaid,“we’reoff.”
EPILOGUE
Youmaybelievethisornotasyoulike.PersonallyIdon’tknowwhattothink.Ithappenedonthefirstdayofspring(doyourememberit?Awonderfulday),andonthefirstofspringallsortsofenchantmentsmayhappen.
Iwaswritingmyweeklystory:oneofthosethingswithaHeandaSheinit.HewasReginald,afinefigureofaman.ShewasDorothy,ratheradear.Iwasbeginninginaroundaboutsortofwaywiththeweather,andthescenery,andthebirds,andhowReginaldwasthinkingofthespring,andhowhisyoungfancywaslightlyturningtothoughtsoflove,whensuddenly—
AtthatmomentIwascalledoutoftheroomtospeaktothehousekeeperaboutsomething.InthreeminutesIwasbackagain;andIhadjustdippedmypenintheink,whentherecameacoughfromthedirectionofthesofa—andthere,ascoolasyouplease,weresittingtwopersonsentirelyunknowntome….
“Ibegyourpardon,”Isaid.“Thehousekeepernevertoldme.WhomhaveIthe—whatdidyou—”
“Thanks,”saidtheman.“I’mReginald.”
“Areyoureally?”Icried.“Jove,IAMgladtoseeyou.Iwasjust—justthinkingofyou.Howareyou?”
“I’msickofit,”saidReginald.
“Sickofwhat?”
“OfbeingacceptedbyDorothy.”
Iturnedtothegirl.
“Youdon’tmeantosay—”
“Yes;I’mDorothy.I’msickofittoo.”
“Dorothy!”Icried.“Bytheway,letmeintroduceyou.Reginald,thisisDorothy.
“Dorothy!”Icried.“Bytheway,letmeintroduceyou.Reginald,thisisDorothy.She’ssickofittoo.”
“Thanks,”saidReginaldcoldly.“Wehavemetbefore.”
“Surelynot.Justletmelookamoment….No,Ithoughtnot.Youdon’tmeettillthenextparagraph.Ifyouwouldn’tmindtakingaseat,Ishan’tbeamoment.”
Reginaldstoodup.
“Lookhere,”hesaid.“DoyouknowwhoIam?”
“You’rejustReginald,”Isaid;“andthere’snoneedtostandaboutlookingsodignified,becauseIonlythoughtofyoutenminutesago,andifyou’renotcarefulIshallchangeyournametoHarold.You’reReginald,andyou’regoingtomeetDorothyinthenextparagraph,andyou’llflirtwithhermildlyforabouttwocolumns.Andattheend,Iexpect—no,Iamalmostsure,thatyouwillproposeandbeaccepted.”
“Never,”saidReginaldangrily.
“That’swhatwe’vecomeabout,”saidDorothy.
Irubbedmyforeheadwearily.
“Wouldoneofyouexplain?”Iasked.“Ican’tthinkwhat’shappened.You’reatleastaparagraphaheadofme.”
Reginaldsatdownagainandlitacigarette.
“It’ssimplythis,”hesaid,tryingtokeepcalm.“Youmaycallmewhatyoulike,butIamalwaysthesamepersonweekafterweek.”
“Nonsense.Why,itwasRichardlastweek.”
“Butthesameperson.”
“AndGeraldtheweekbefore.Gerald,yes;hewasratheragoodchap.”
“Justthesame,onlythenamewasdifferent.Andwhoarewe?Weareyouasyouimagineyourselftobe.”
IlookedinquiringlyatDorothy.
“Lastweek,”hewenton,“youcalledmeRichard.AndIproposedtoPhyllis.”
“AndIacceptedhim,”saidDorothy.
“You!”Isaid.“WhatwereYOUdoingthere,Ishouldliketoknow?”
“LastweekIwasPhyllis.”
“Theweekbefore,”wentonReginald,“IwasGerald,andIproposedtoMillicent.”
“IwasMillicent,andIacceptedhim.”
“TheweekbeforethatIwas—GoodHeavens,thinkofit—IwasGeorge!”
“Abeastlyname,Iagree,”Isaid.
“Yougaveitme.”
“Yes,butIwasn’tfeelingverywellthatweek.”
“IwasMabel,”putinDorothy,“andIacceptedhim.”
“No,no,no—no,don’tsaythat.Imean,onedoesn’tacceptpeoplecalledGeorge.”
“Youmademe.”
“DidI?I’mawfullysorry.Yes,Iquiteseeyourpoint.”
“Theweekbefore,”wentonReginaldremorselessly,“Iwas—”
“Don’tgobackintoFebruary,please!Februaryissucharottenmonthwithme.Wellnow,what’syourcomplaint?”
“JustwhatIsaid,”explainedReginald.“Youthinkyouhaveanewheroandheroineeveryweek,butyou’remistaken.Wearealwaysthesame;and,personally,Iamtiredofproposingweekafterweektothesamegirl.”
TherewasjustsomethingaboutReginaldthatIseemedtorecognize.Justthe
TherewasjustsomethingaboutReginaldthatIseemedtorecognize.Justtheveryslightestsomething.
“Thenwhoareyoureally,”Iasked,“ifyou’realwaysthesameperson?”
“Yourself.Notreallyyourself,ofcourse,butyourselfasyoufondlyimagineyouare.”
Ilaughedscornfully.“You’renothingofthesort.Howridiculous!Theheroofmyownstories,indeed!Myselfidealized—thenIsupposeyouthinkyou’reratherafinefellow?”Isneered.
“IsupposeyouthinkIam.”
“No,Idon’t.Ithinkyouareasillyass.SayingI’mmyownhero.I’mnothingofthesort.AndIsupposeDorothyisme,too?”
“I’mthegirlyou’reinlovewith,”saidDorothy.“Idealized.”
“I’mnotinlovewithanyone,”Ideniedindignantly.
“Thenyouridealgirl.”
“Ah,youmightwellbethat,”Ismiled.
Ilookedatherlongingly.Shewaswonderfullybeautiful.Iwentalittleclosertoher.
“Andwe’vecome,”saidReginald,puttinghisoarinagain,“tosaythatwe’resickofgettingengagedeveryweek.”
IignoredReginaldaltogether.
“Areyoureallysickofhim?”IaskedDorothy.
“Yes!”
“AssickofhimasIam?”
“I—Idaresay.”
“Thenlet’scrosshimout,”Isaid.AndIwentbacktothetableandtookupmy
“Thenlet’scrosshimout,”Isaid.AndIwentbacktothetableandtookupmypen.“Saytheword,”IsaidtoDorothy.
“Steadyon,”beganReginalduneasily.“AllImeantwas—”
“Personally,asyouknow,”IsaidtoDorothy,“Ithinkhe’sasillyass.Andifyouthinksotoo—”
“Isay,lookhere,oldchap—”
Dorothynodded.Idippedthepenintheink.
“Thenouthegoes,”Isaid,andIdrewalinethroughhim.WhenIlookeduponlyDorothywasthere….
“Dorothy!”Isaid.“Atlast!”
“Butmynameisn’treallyDorothy,youknow,”shesaidwithasmile.“It’sDorothythisweek,andlastweekitwasPhyllis,andtheweekbefore—”
“Thenwhatisitreally?Tellme!SothatImayknowmyidealwhenIseeheragain.”
Igotreadytowritethenamedown.Idippedmypenintheinkagain,andIdrewalinethroughDorothy,andthenIlookedupquestioninglyather,and…
Fool,fool!Shewasgone!
IIfautvivre.You’llseethestoryinoneofthepapersthisweek.You’llrecognizeit,becauseheiscalledHarold,andsheiscalledLucy.Attheendofthesecondcolumnheproposesandsheacceptshim.Lucy—ofallnames!Itservesthemright.
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