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Title:TheHolidayRound

Author:A.A.Milne

ReleaseDate:May,2004[EBook#5675][Yes,wearemorethanoneyearaheadofschedule][ThisfilewasfirstpostedonAugust7,2002]

Edition:10

Language:English

Charactersetencoding:ASCII

***STARTOFTHEPROJECTGUTENBERGEBOOKTHEHOLIDAY

***STARTOFTHEPROJECTGUTENBERGEBOOKTHEHOLIDAYROUND***

ProducedbyCharlesAldarondo

THEHOLIDAYROUND

BY

A.A.MILNE

AUTHOROF“THEDAYS’PLAY”

LONDON

1912

CONTENTS

HOLIDAYTIME

THEHOUSE-WARMING

ATPLAY

TWOSTORIES

ANODDLOT

LITTLEPLAYSFORAMATEURS

ACHAPTEROFACCIDENTS

STORIESOFSUCCESSFULLIVES

AFEWFRIENDS

EPILOGUE

HOLIDAYTIME

I.—THEORDEALBYWATER

“Wewillnowbathe,”saidavoiceatthebackofmyneck.

Igaveagruntandwentonwithmydream.Itwasajollydream,andnobodygotupearlyinit.

“Wewillnowbathe,”repeatedArchie.

“Goaway,”Isaiddistinctly.

Archiesatdownonmykneesandputhisdamptowelonmyface.

“WhenmywifeandItookthiscommodiousresidenceforsixweeks,”hesaid,“andengagedtheseaatgreatexpensetocomeuptoitsdoorstwiceaday,itwasonthedistinctunderstandingthatourguestsshouldplungeintoitpunctuallyatseveno’clockeverymorning.”

“Don’tbesilly,it’saboutthreenow.AndIwishyou’dgetoffmyknees.”

“It’saquarter-pastseven.”

“Thenthereyouare,we’vemissedit.Well,wemustseewhatwecandoforyouto-morrow.Good-night.”

Archiepulledalltheclothesoffmeandwalkedwiththemtothewindow.

“Jove,whataday!”hesaid.“Andcan’tyousmellthesea?”

“Ican.Letthatsuffice.Isay,what’shappenedtomyblanket?Imusthaveswalloweditinmysleep.”

“Where’shissponge?”Iheardhimmurmuringtohimselfashecameawayfromthewindow.

“No,no,I’mup,”Ishouted,andIsprangoutofbedandputonashirtandapair

“No,no,I’mup,”Ishouted,andIsprangoutofbedandputonashirtandapairoftrouserswithgreatspeed.“WheredoItaketheseoffagain?”Iasked.“Iseemtobegivingmyselfalotoftrouble.”

“Thereisatent.”

“Won’ttheladieswantit?Because,ifso,Icaneasilyhavemybathelateron.”

“Theladiesthinkit’srathertooroughto-day.”

“Perhapsthey’reright,”Isaidhopefully.“Awoman’sinstinct—No,I’mNOTacoward.”

Itwasn’tsobadoutside—sunandwindandablue-and-whiteskyandplentyofmovementonthesea.

“Justthedayforaswim,”saidArchiecheerily,asheledthewaydowntothebeach.

“I’venothingagainsttheday;it’sthehourIobjectto.TheLancetsaysyoumustn’tbathewithinanhourofaheavymeal.Well,I’mgoingtohaveaveryheavymealwithinabouttwentyminutes.Thatisn’tright,youknow.”

BythetimeIwasreadythewindhadgotmuchcolder.Ilookedoutofthetentandshivered.

“Isn’titjollyandfresh?”saidArchie,determinedtobehelpful.“Therearepointsabouttheearlymorning,afterall.”

“Thereareplentyofpointsaboutthismorning.Wheredotheygetallthesharpstonesfrom?Lookatthatonethere—he’ssimplywaitingforme.”

“Yououghttohaveboughtsomebathingshoes.Igotthispairinthevillage.”

“Whydidn’tyoutellmesolastnight?”

“Itwastoolatelastnight.”

“Well,it’smuchtooearlythismorning.Ifyouwereagentlemanyou’dlendmeoneofyours,andwe’dhopdowntogether.”

Archiebeingnogentleman,hewalkedandIhobbledtotheedge,andtherewe

Archiebeingnogentleman,hewalkedandIhobbledtotheedge,andtherewesatdownwhilehetookoffhisshoes.

“Ishouldliketotakethislastopportunity,”Isaid,“oftellingyouthatuptillnowIhaven’tenjoyedthisearlymorningbatheonelittlebit.Isupposetherewillbeanotablemomentwhentheecstasyactuallybegins,butatpresentIcan’tseeitcomingatall.TheonlythingIlookforwardtowithanypleasureisthetellingDahliaandMyraatbreakfastwhatIthinkoftheircowardice.Thatandthebreakfastitself.Good-bye.”

Igotupandwadedintothesurf.

“Onelastword,”IsaidasIlookedbackathim.“InmywholecareerIshallneverknowamoreabsolutelybeastlyandmiserablemomentthanthis.”Thenawaveknockedmedown,andIsawthatIhadspokentoohastily.

Theworldmaybedividedintotwoclasses—thosewhodrinkwhentheyswimandthosewhodon’t.Iamoneofthedrinkers.ForthisreasonIpreferriverbathingtoseabathing.

“It’sabouttimewecameout,”IshoutedtoArchieafterthethirdpint.“I’mexceedingmyallowance.”

“Aren’tyougladnowyoucame?”hecriedfromthetopofawave.

“Very,”Isaidamomentlaterfrominsideit.

ButIreallydidfeelgladtenminutesafterwardsasIsatonthebeachinthesunandsmokedacigarette,andthrewpebbleslazilyintothesea.

“Holbein,howbraveofyou!”criedavoicebehindme.

“Good-morning.I’mnotatallsurethatIoughttospeaktoyou.”

“Haveyoureallybeentakingtheseasoearly,”saidMyraasshesatdownbetweenus,“ordidyourumpleeachother’shairsoastodeceiveme?”

“Ihavebeentakingthesea,”Iconfessed.“WhatyouobserveouttherenowiswhatIleft.”

“Oh,butthat’swhatIdo.That’swhyIdidn’tcometo-day—becauseIhadso

muchyesterday.”

“I’mathree-bottleman.Icangoonandonandon.AndafteralltheseyearsIhavethemostsensitivepalateofanymanliving.Forinstance,IcandistinguishbetweenScarboroughandLlandudnoquiteeasilywithmyeyesshut.Speakingasanexpert,ImaysaythatthereisnothingtobeatasmallCromerandseltzer;thoughsomepreferaVentnoranddash.Ilfracombewithasliceoflemonispopular,buthardlyappealstothefastidious.”

“Doyouknow,”saidArchie,“thatyouaretalkingdrivel?Nobodyoughttodrivelbeforebreakfast.Itisn’tdecent.WhatdoesDahliawanttodoto-day,Myra?”

“MrSimpsoniscomingbytheone-thirty.”

“Good;thenwe’llhaveaslackday.ThestrainofmeetingSimpsonwillbesufficientforus.Idohopehecomesinayachtingcap—we’llsendhimbackifhedoesn’t.”

“Itoldhimtobringone,”saidMyra.“IputaP.S.inDahlia’sletter—pleasebringyourtelescopeandyachtingcap.Shethoughtwecouldhaveagoodday’ssailingto-morrow,ifyou’dkindlyarrangeaboutthewind.”

“I’lltalktothecrewaboutitandseewhathecando.Ifwegetbecalmedwecanalwaysthrowsomebodyoverboard,ofcourse.Well,Imustgoinandfinishmytoilet.”

Wegotupandclimbedslowlybacktothehouse.

“Andthen,”Isaid,“thenfortheheavymeal.”

II.—BECALMED

“Well,”saidDahlia,givingupthetillerwithasigh,“ifthisisallthatyouandJoecandointhewayofabreeze,youneedn’thaveworried.”

“Don’tblamethecrew,”saidArchienobly,“hedidhisbest.Hesatupallnight

“Don’tblamethecrew,”saidArchienobly,“hedidhisbest.Hesatupallnightwhistling.”

“AREwemoving?”askedMyra,fromahorizontalpositionontheshadysideofthemainsail.

“Wearenot,”Isaid,fromasimilarpositiononthesunnyside.“Let’sgetout.”

Simpsontookoffhisyachtingcapandfannedhimselfwithanauticalalmanac.“Howfararewefromanywhere?”heaskedcheerfully.

“Miles,”saidArchie.“Tobemoreaccurate,wearefivemilesfromapublic-house,sixfromachurch,fourfromapost-office,andthreefromthespaciouswalled-inkitchen-gardenandtennis-court.Ontheotherhand,wearequiteclosetothesea.”

“Youwillneverseeyourfriendsagain,Simpson.Theywillmissyou…atfirst…perhaps;buttheywillsoonforget.Thecirculationofthepapersthatyouwroteforwillgoup,thebrindledbull-pupwillbefedbyanotherandasmallerhand,butotherwiseallwillbeasitwasbefore.”

Myvoicechoked,andatthesamemomentsomethingwhizzedpastmeintothesea.

“Yachtingcapoverboard!Help!”criedMyra.

“Youaren’tinTheSpectatorofficenow,Simpson,”saidArchieseverely,ashefishedwiththeboat-hook.“Thereisatimeforballyragging.Bytheway,Isupposeyoudowantitbackagain?”

“It’smyfault,”Iconfessedremorsefully;“ItoldhimyesterdayIdidn’tlikeit.”

“MyraandIdolikeit,MrSimpson.Pleasesaveit,Archie.”

Archieletitdripfromtheendoftheboat-hookforaminute,andthenbroughtitin.

“Morning,SirThomas,”Isaid,salutingitasitcameonboard.“Lovelydayforasail.We’vegotthenewtopmastup,butHerGracehadthelastofthepotted-meatforlunchyesterday.”

Simpsontookhiscapandstrokedittenderly.“Thirteenandninepenceinthe

Simpsontookhiscapandstrokedittenderly.“ThirteenandninepenceintheBuckinghamPalaceRoad,”hemurmured.“Thanks,oldchap.”

QuietsettleddownuponthegoodshipArmadilloagain.Therewasnocloudinthesky,norippleonthewater,nosoundalongthedeck.Thelandwashazyinthedistance;hazyinthedistancewaspublic-house,church,post-office,walled-inkitchen-gardenandtennis-court.ButinthelittlecabinJoewasmakingapleasantnoisewithplates….

“Splendid,”saidArchie,puttingdownhisglassandtakingouthispipe.“Nowwhatshallwedo?Ifeelfullofenergy.”

“ThenyouandSimpsoncangetthedinghyoutandtow,”Isuggested.“I’llcoachfromtheArmadillo.”

“Wemightgoforalongbicycleride,”saidMyra;“orcallontheVicaragegirls.”

“Thereisn’treallyverymuchtodo,isthere?”saidDahlia,gently.“I’msorry.”

Simpsonleaptexcitedlyintothebreach.

“I’lltellyouwhatI’lldo—I’llteachyouallthedifferentknotsandthings.Ilearntthemcomingdowninthetrain.Everybodyoughttoknowthem.Archie,oldman,canyouletmehaveapieceofrope?”

“Certainly.Takeanypieceyoulike.Onlysparethemain-sheet.”

SimpsonwentforwardtoconsultJoe,andcamebackwithenoughtohanghimselfwith.Hesatdownoppositetous,wrappedtheropeonceroundhiswaist,andthenbeamedatusoverhisspectacles.

“Nowsupposingyouhadfallendownawell,”hebegan,“andIletthisropedowntoyou,whatwouldyoudowithYOURend?”

Wethoughtdeeplyforamoment.

“Ishouldwaituntilyouwerelookingovertheedge,andthengiveitasharpjerk,”saidArchie.

“OneMUSThavecompanyinawell,”Iagreed.

“They’rebeingsillyagain,”apologizedMyra.“TellME,MrSimpson!Ishouldlovetoknow—I’malwaysfallingdownwells.”

“Well,youtieitroundyoulikethis.Throughthere—andoverthere—andthenbackunderthere.Yousee,itsimplyCAN’Tslip.ThenIshouldpullyouup.”

“Buthowniceofyou.Letmetry.…Oh,yes,that’seasy.”

“Well,thenthere’sthehangman’sknot.”

ArchieandIlookedateachother.

“ThepredicamentsinwhichSimpsonfindshimselfareextraordinarilyvaried,”Isaid.

“Oneofthesedayshe’llbeinawell,andweshallletdownaropetohim,andhe’llhanghimselfbymistake.”

“Thatwouldlookverydetermined.Ontheotherhandtheremustbeannoyingoccasionswhenhestartsouttostranglesomebodyandfindsthathe’spullinghimoutofthecistern.”

“Why,howdelightful,MrSimpson,”saidMyra.“Doshowussomemore.”

“Thosearethemostimportantones.Thenthereareoneortwofancyones.DoyouknowtheMonkey’sClaw?”

“Don’ttouchit,”saidArchiesolemnly.“It’spoison.”

“Oh,Imustshowyouthat.”

JoeshowedmetheMonkey’sClawafterwards,anditisabeautifulthing,butitwasnotabitlikeSimpson’s.Simpsonmusthavestartedbadly,andIthinkheusedtoomuchrope.Afterabouttwentyminutestherewashardlyanyofhimvisibleatall.

“Takeyourtime,Houdini,”saidArchie,“takeyourtime.Justletusknowwhenyou’rereadytobeputintothesafe,that’sall.”

“Youwouldhardlythink,tolookathimnow,”Isaidaminutelater,“thatonedayhe’llbeadearlittlebutterfly.”

dayhe’llbeadearlittlebutterfly.”

“Where’sthesealing-wax,Maria?Youknow,I’mcertainhe’llnevergoforthreepence.”

“WhatIsayis,it’ssimplyhypnoticsuggestion.There’snoropethereatall,really.”

Ananxioussilencefollowed.

“No,”saidSimpsonsuddenly,“I’mdoingitwrong.”

“Fromto-night,”saidArchie,aftertea,“youwillbeputonrations.Onecobnutandathimblefulofsherrywineperdiem.Ihopesomebody’sbroughtathimble.”

“Therereallyisn’tsoverymuchleft,”saidDahlia.

“Thenweshallhavetodrawlotswhoistobeeaten.”

“Don’tweeatourbootsandthingsfirst?”askedMyra.

“ThedoctorsaysImustn’thaveanythingmoresolidthanalightly-boiledshoe-lacethelastthingatnight.”

“Afterall,there’salwaysthedinghy,”saidArchie.“Ifweputinatinofcornedbeefandacompassandakegofgunpowder,somebodymighteasilyrowinandposttheletters.Personally,ascaptain,Imuststicktomyship.”

“There’sanotherwayI’vejustthoughtof,”Isaid.“Let’ssailin.”

Ipointedouttosea,andthere,unmistakably,wastheleastlittlebreezecomingoverthewaters.AminutelaterandourpennantnappedonceSimpsonmoistenedafingerandhelditup.

Thesprintforhomehadbegun.

III.—ADAYASHORE

“Well,whichisittobe?”askedArchie.

“Justwhicheveryoulike,”saidDahlia,“onlymakeupyourminds.”

“Well,Icandoyouaverygoodlineineither.I’vegotalotofseainthefrontofthehouse,andthere’stheArmadillostrainingattheleash;andI’vehadsomelandputdownatthebackofthehouse,andthere’stheSilent-Knighteatinghercarburettoroffinthekennels.”

“Oh,whatcanailthee,Silent-Knight,aloneandpalelyloitering?”askedSimpson.“Keats,”headdedkindly.

“Ass(Shakespeare),”Isaid.

“Ofcourse,ifwesailed,”Simpsonwentoneagerly,“andwegotbecalmedagain,Icouldteachyouchapssignalling.”

Archielookedfromonetotheotherofus.

“Ithinkthatsettlesit,”hesaid,andwentofftoseeaboutthemotor.

“LittleChagford,”saidArchie,ashesloweddown.“Wherearewegoingto,bytheway?”

“Ithoughtwe’djustgoonuntilwefoundaniceplaceforlunch.”

“Andthenonagaintillwefoundaniceplacefortea,”addedMyra.

“Andsohometodinner,”Iconcluded.

“Speakingformyself—”beganSimpson.

“Oh,whynot?”

“IshouldliketoseeachurchwhereKatharineofAragonorsomebodywasburied.”

“Samuel’smorbidcravingforsensation—”

“WaittillwegetbacktoLondon,andI’lltakeyoutoMadameTussaud’s,MrSimpson.”

“Well,Ithinkhe’squiteright,”saidDahlia.“ThereisanoldNormanchurch,Ibelieve,andweoughttogoandseeit.ThePhilistinesneedn’tcomeiniftheydon’twantto.”

“Philistines!”Isaidindignantly.“Well,I’m—”

“Agagged,”suggestedArchie.“Ohno,hewasanAmalekite.”

“You’velivedinthesamecountryasthisfamousoldNormanchurchforyearsandyearsandyears,andyoucaresolittleaboutitthatyou’veneverbeentoseeitandaren’tsurewhetheritwasKatharineofAragonorAlice-for-shortwhowasburiedhere,andnowthatyouHAVEcomeacrossitbyaccidentyouwanttodriveuptoitinabrand-new1910motor-car,withSimpsoninhis1910gent.‘sfancyvestknockingouttheashesofhispipeagainstthelych-gateashegoesin.…Andthat’swhatitistobeoneoftheelect!”

“LittleChagford’snotedback-chatcomedians,”commentedArchie.“Yourturn,Dahlia.”

“Therewasonceaprincewhowaswalkinginaforestnearhiscastleoneday—that’showallthenicestoriesbegin—andhesuddenlycameacrossabeautifulmaiden,andhesaidtohimself,‘I’velivedhereforyearsandyearsandyears,andI’veneverseenherbefore,andI’mnotsurewhetherhernameisKatharineorAlice,orwhereherunclewasburied,andI’vegotanewsurcoatonwhichdoesn’tmatchherwimpleatall,solet’sleaveherandgohometolunch….’AndTHAT’Swhatitistobeoneoftheelect!”

“Don’tgoontoolong,”saidArchie.“Therearetheperformingsealstocomeafteryou.”

Ijumpedoutofthecarandjoinedherintheroad.

“Dahlia,Iapologize,”Isaid.“Youarequiteright.Wewillvisitthislittlechurchtogether,andseewhowasburiedthere.”

Myralookedupfromthebookshehadbeenstudying,JovialJauntsRoundJibmouth.

“Thereisn’tachurchatLittleChagford,”shesaid.“Atleasttherewasn’ttwoyearsago,whenthisbookwaspublished.Sothatlooksasthoughitcan’tbeVERYearlyNorman.”

VERYearlyNorman.”

“Thenlet’sgoon,”saidArchie,afteradeepsilence.

Wefoundamostdelightfullittlespot(whichwasn’tfamousforanything)forlunch,andhadthebasketsoutofthecarinnotime.

“Now,areyougoingtohelpgetthingsready,”askedMyra,“orareyougoingtotakeadvantageofyoursexandwatchDahliaandmedoallthework?”

“Ithoughtwomenalwayslikedtokeepthefoodjobsforthemselves,”Isaid.“IknowI’mneverallowedinthekitchenathome.Besides,I’vegotmoreimportantworktodo—I’mgoingtomakethefire.”

“Whatfire?”

“Youcan’treallyleadthesimplelifeandfeelathomewithNatureuntilyouhavelaidafireoftwigsandbranches,rubbedtwostickstogethertoprocureaflame,andplacedintheashesthepemmicanorwhateveritisthatfallstoyourrifle.”

“Well,Ididgoouttolookforpemmicanthismorning,buttherewerenonerising.”

“ThenIshallhavemyhamsandwichhot.”

“Bread,butter,cheese,eggs,sandwiches,fruit,”cataloguedDahlia,asshetookthemout;“whatelsedoyouwant?”

“I’mwaitinghereforcake,”Isaid.

“Bother,Iforgotthecake.”

“Lookhere,thispicnicisn’tgoingwiththeswingthatonehadlookedfor.Nopemmican,nocake,noearlyNormanchurch.WemightalmostaswellbebackintheCromwellRoad.”

“Doesyourwholehappinessdependoncake?”askedMyrascornfully.

“Toalargeextentitdoes.Archie,”Icalledout,“there’snocake.”

Archiestoppedpattingthecarandcameovertous.“Good.Let’sbegin,”he

Archiestoppedpattingthecarandcameovertous.“Good.Let’sbegin,”hesaid;“I’mhungry.”

“Youdidn’thear.IsaidthereWASN’Tanycake—onthecontrary,thereisanentireabsenceofit,ashortage,avacuum,nottosayalacuna.Intheplacewhereitshouldbethereisanachingvoidormerehard-boiledeggsorsomethingofthatsort.Isay,doesn’tANYBODYmind,exceptme?”

Apparentlynobodydid,sothatitwasuselesstothinkofsendingArchiebackforit.Instead,Ididalittlewrist-workwiththecorkscrew….

“Now,”saidArchie,afterlunch,“beforeyouallgooffwithyourbutterflynets,I’dbettersaythatweshallbemovingonatabouthalf-pastthree.Thatis,unlessoneofyouhasdiscoveredtheslotofaLargeCabbageWhitejustthen,andisfollowingupthetrailverykeenly.”

“IknowwhatI’mgoingtodo,”Isaid,“iftheflieswillletmealone.”

“TellmequicklybeforeIguess,”beggedMyra.

“I’mgoingtolieonmybackandthinkabout—whodoyouthinkdothehardestworkintheworld?”

“Stevedores.”

“ThenIshallthinkaboutstevedores.”

“Areyousure,”askedSimpson,“thatyouwouldn’tlikemetoshowyouthatsignallingnow?”

Iclosedmyeyes.Youknow,Iwondersometimeswhatitisthatmakesapicnicsopleasant.Becausealltheimportantthings,theeatingandthesleeping,onecandoanywhere.

IV.—INTHEWET

Myragazedoutofthewindowuponthedrivingrainandshookherheadattheweather.

weather.

“Ugh!”shesaid.“Ugly!”

“Beast,”Iadded,inorderthatthereshouldbenodoubtaboutwhatwethought.“Utteranddeliberatebeast.”

Wehadarrangedforaparticularlypleasantday.Weweretohavesailedacrosstothemouthofthe—Ialwaysforgetitsname,andthenuptherivertothefamousoldcastleof-of-no,it’sgoneagain;butanyhow,therewastohavebeenabatheintheriver,andlunch,andalittleexplorationinthedinghy,andalessonintheMorsecodefromSimpson,andteainthewoodswitharealfire,andinthecooloftheeveningarippingrunhomebeforethewind.Butnowtheonlythingthatseemedcertainwasthecooloftheevening.

“We’lllightafireanddosomethingindoors,”saidDahlia.

“Thisisanextraordinaryhouse,”saidArchie.“Thereisn’tasinglebookinit,exceptalotofStrandMagazinesfor1907.Thatmusthavebeenaverywetyear.”

“Wecanplaygames,dear.”

“True,darling.Let’sdoacharade.”

“ThelasttimeIplayedcharades,”Isaid,“IwasHoratius,thefrontpartofElizabeth’sfavouritepalfrey,thearrowwhichshotRufus,Jonah,thetwolittlePrincesintheTower,andMrsPankhurst.”

“Whichwasyourfavouritepart?”askedMyra.

“Thefrontpartofthepalfrey.ButIwasverygoodasthetwolittlePrinces.”

“It’snogooddoingcharades,ifthere’snobodytodothemto.”

“Thomasiscomingto-morrow,”saidMyra.“Wecouldtellhimallaboutit.”

“Clumpsisajollygoodgame,”suggestedSimpson.

“ThelasttimeIwasaclump,”Isaid,“Iwasthefirstcoinpaidonaccountofthelastpairofboots,sandals,orwhatnotofthemanwholaidthefirststoneofthehousewherelivedtheprettiestauntofthemanwhorearedthegoosewhichlaid

housewherelivedtheprettiestauntofthemanwhorearedthegoosewhichlaidtheeggfromwhichcamethegoosewhichprovidedthelastquillpenusedbythethirdmanShakespearemetonthesecondWednesdayinJune,1595.”

“Hemightn’thavehadanaunt,”saidMyra,afteraminute’sprofoundthought.

“Hehadn’t.”

“Well,anyhow,onewayandanotheryou’vehadaveryadventurouscareer,mylad,”saidArchie.“Whathappenedthelasttimeyouplayedludo?”

“WhenIplayedclumps,”putinSimpson,“IwasthefavouritespokeofHallCaine’sfirstbicycle.TheyguessedHallCaineandthebicycleandthespokeveryquickly,butnobodythoughtofsuggestingthefavouritespoke.”

Myrawenttothewindowagain,andcamebackwiththenewsthatitwouldprobablybeafineevening.

“Thankyou,”weallsaid.

“ButIwasn’tjustmakingconversation.Ihaveanidea.”

“SilenceforMyra’sidea.”

“Well,it’sthis.Ifwecan’tdoanythingwithoutanaudience,andiftheaudiencewon’tcometous,let’sgotothem.”

“Bealittlemorelucid,there’sadear.Itisn’tthatwearen’ttrying.”

“Wellthen,let’sserenadetheotherhousesabouthereto-night.”

Therewasapowerfulsilencewhileeverybodyconsideredthis.

“Good,”saidArchieatlast.“Wewill.”

Therestofthemorningandalltheafternoonwerespentinpreparations.ArchieandMyrawereallright;oneplaysthebanjoandtheothertheguitar.(Itisamusicalfamily,theMannerings.)Simpsonkeepsacornetwhichhegenerallyputsinhisbag,butIcannotrememberanyoneaskinghimtoplayit.Ifthequestionhaseverarisen,hehasprobablybeenaskednottoplayit.However,hewouldbringitoutto-night.Inanycasehehasatolerablevoice;whileDahliahasalwayssunglikeanangel.Inshort,Iwasthechiefdifficulty.

alwayssunglikeanangel.Inshort,Iwasthechiefdifficulty.

“Isupposetherewouldn’tbetimetolearntheviolin?”Iasked.

“Whydidn’ttheyteachyousomethingwhenyouwereaboy?”wonderedMyra.

“Theydid.Butmymanforgottoputitinmybagwhenhepacked.Heputintwotoothbrushesandleftoutthetriangle.Doyouthinkthere’satriangleshopinthevillage?Igenerallyplayonanisoscelesone,anytwosidesofwhicharetogethergreaterthanthethird.Likewisetheangleswhichareoppositetotheadjacentsides,eachtoeach.”

“Well,youmusttakethecaproundforthemoney.”

“Iwill.Iforgottosaythatmyowntriangleathome,theStrad,isinthechromaticscaleofA,andhasasplice.Itgenerallygetsthechromaticsverybadlyinthewinter.”

Whiletheotherspractisedtheirsongs,Ipractisedtakingthecapround,andbytea-timeweallknewourpartsperfectly.Ihadreceivedpermissiontojoininthechoruses,andIwasalsotobeallowedtodoalittledancewithMyra.WhenyouthinkthatIhadchargeofthefinancialarrangementsaswell,youcanunderstandthatIfeltjustifiedinconsideringmyselftheleaderofthetroupe.

“Infact,”Isaid,“yououghttoblackyourfacessoastodistinguishyourselvesfromme.”

“Wewon’tblackourfaces,”saidDahlia,“butwe’llwearmasks;andwemighteachcarryalittleboardexplainingwhywe’redoingthis.”

“Right,”saidArchie;andhesatdownandwroteanoticeforhimself—

“IAMANORPHAN.SOARETHEOTHERS,BUTTHEYARENOTSOORPHANASIAM.IAMEXTREMELYFREQUENT.”

Dahliasaid—

“WEAREDOINGTHISFORANADVERTISEMENT.IFYOULIKEUS,SENDASHILLINGFORAFREESAMPLECONCERT,MENTIONINGTHISPAPER.YOURMONEYBACKIFWEARENOTSATISFIEDWITHIT.”

Simpsonannounced—

“WORLD’SLONGDISTANCECORNETIST.HOLDEROFTHEOBOERECORDONGRASS.RUNNER-UPINTHEOCARINAWELTERWEIGHTS(STRANGLEHOLDBARRED).MIXEDZITHERCHAMPION(1907,COVEREDCOURTS).”

Myrasaid—

“KINDFRIENDS,HELPUS.WEWEREWRECKEDTHISAFTERNOON.THECORNETWASSINKINGFORTHETHIRDTIMEWHENITWASRESCUED,ANDHADTOBEBROUGHTROUNDBYARTIFICIALRESPIRATION.CANYOUSPAREUSADRINKOFWATER?”

AsformyselfIhadtohandtheSimpsonyachtingcapround,andmynoticesaid—

“WEWANTYOURMONEY.IFYOUCANNOTGIVEUSANY,FORHEAVEN’SSAKEKEEPTHECAP.”

Wehadanearlydinner,soastobeintimetoserenadeourvictimswhentheywerefinishingtheirownmealandfeelingfriendlytotheworld.Thenwewentupstairsanddressed.DahliaandMyrahadkimonos,Simpsonputonhisdressing-gown,inwhichhefancieshimselfagooddeal,andArchieandIworebrilliantly-colouredpyjamasoverourotherclothes.

“Let’ssee,”saidSimpson,“Istartoffwith‘TheMinstrelBoy,’don’tI?Andthenwhatdowedo?”

“Thenwehelpyoutoescape,”saidArchie.“Afterthat,Dahliasings‘SantaLucia,’andMyraandIgivethemaduet,andifyou’rebackbythenwithyourfalsenoseproperlyfixeditmightbesafeforyoutojoininthechorusofacoonsong.Nowthen,areweallready?”

“What’sthat?”saidMyra.

Wealllistened…andthenweopenedthedoor.

Itwaspouring.

V.—MAROONED

“Stroke,you’relate,”saidThomas,buttingmeviolentlyinthebackwithhisoar.

“MydearThomas,whenyouhavebeenintheAdmiraltyalittlelongeryouwillknowthat‘bow’isnotthegentlemanwhosetsthetime.WhatdoyousupposewouldhappenatQueen’sHallifthesecondbird-callsaidtotheconductor,‘Henry,you’relate’?”

“Thewholegallerywouldgooutandgetitshaircut,”saidArchie.

“I’mnotusedtotheMorsesystemofrowing,that’sthetrouble,”explainedThomas.“Long-short,short-short-long,short-long.You’respellingoutthemostawfulthings,ifyouonlyknew.”

“Becarefulhowyouinsultme,Thomas.AlittlemoreandIshalltellthemwhathappenedtoyouontheornamentalwatersinRegent’sParkthatroughday.”

“Really?”askedSimpsonwithinterest.

“Yes;IfancyhehadbeenratheroverdoingitatSwedishdrillthatmorning.”

Wegaveherteninsilence,andthenbymutualconsentrestedonouroars.

“There’salongwayyet,”saidMyra.“DahliaandIwillrowifyou’retired.”

“Thisisaninsult,Thomas.Shallwesitdownunderit?”

“Yes,”saidThomas,gettingup;“onlyinanotherpartoftheboat.”

Wegaveupourseatstotheladies(eveninaboatoneshouldbepolite)andfromapositioninthesternwaitedwithturned-upcoat-collarsforthewatertocomeonboard.

“Wemighthavesailedupalittlehigher,”remarkedSimpson.“It’sallright,I’mnotabitwet,thanks.”

“It’stooshallow,exceptathightide,”saidMyra.“TheArmadillowouldhave

“It’stooshallow,exceptathightide,”saidMyra.“TheArmadillowouldhavegoneagroundandlostallher—hershell.Doarmadilloeshaveshells,orwhat?”

“Feathers.”

“Well,we’reaprettygoodbank-holidaycrowdforthedinghy,”saidArchie.“Simpson,ifweupset,savethemilkandthesandwiches;mywifecanswim.”

Thewoodswerenowbeginningtocomedowntotheriveronbothsides,butontherightagrassyslopebrokethematthewater’sedgeforsomefiftyyards.Thitherwerowed,andafteralittlecomplicatedmanoeuvringlandedsuddenly,Simpson,whowasstandinginthebowswiththeboat-hook,beingeasilythefirsttoreachtheshore.Hegotupquickly,however,apologized,andhelpedtheladiesandthehampersout.Thereafterhewasbusyforsometime,makingthedinghyfastwithaknotpeculiarlyhisown.

“Thefirstthingtodoistobuildapalisadetokeepthesavagesoff,”saidArchie,andhestucktheboat-hookintotheground.“Afterwhichyouarerequestedtolightfirestofrightenthewildbeasts.Thewoodbinesareverywildatthistimeoftheyear.”

“Weshallhavetolightafireanyhowforthetea,sothatwillbeveryuseful,”saidthethoughtfulDahlia.

“Imyself,”Isaid,“willswimouttothewreckforthemusketandthebagofnails.”

“Asyou’regoing,”saidMyra,unpacking,“youmightgetthesugaraswell.We’veforgottenit.”

“Nowyou’vespoiltmywholeholiday.Itwasbadenoughwiththecakelastweek,butthisisfar,farworse.Ishallgointothewoodandeatberries.”

“It’sallright,hereitis.Nowyou’rehappyagain.Iwish,ifyouaren’ttoobusy,you’dgointothewoodandcollectsticksforthefire.”

“Iamunusuallybusy,”Isaid,“andthereisalongqueueofclientswaitingformeintheante-room.Anextremelylongqueue—almostahalf-buttinfact.”

Iwanderedintothewoodalone.ArchieandDahliahadgonearm-in-armupthehilltolookataview,SimpsonwashelpingMyrawiththehampers,and

hilltolookataview,SimpsonwashelpingMyrawiththehampers,andThomas,thelatestarrivalfromtown,waslyingonhisback,tellingthemwhatheallegedtobeagoodstorynowgoingroundLondon.Myratoldittomeafterwards,andweagreedthatasaboyithadgoneroundtheworldseveraltimesfirst.YetIheardherlaughunaffectedly—whatangelswomenare!

TenminuteslaterIreturnedwithmyspoil,andlaiditbeforethem.

“Apieceofbrownbreadfromthebread-fruittree,apieceofindiarubberfromthemangotree,achutneyfromthebananagrove,andanomeletfromtheturtlerun,Imissedthechutneywithmyfirstbarrel,andbroughtitdownratherluckilywiththericochet.”

“Buthowfunny;theyalllookjustlikesticksofwood.”

“ThatisNature’splanofprotectivecolouring.Inthesamewayapricotshaveoftenescapedwiththeirlivesbysittinginthecreamandpretendingtobepoachedeggs.”

“Thesameinstinctofself-preservation,”addedArchie,“hasledmanyapillcalledBeauchamptopronounceitsnameCholmondeley.”

Simpsonbeggedtobeallowedtoshowushowtolightafire,andwehadn’tthehearttorefusehim.Itwas,hesaid,thewaytheylitfiresontheveldt(andotherplaceswheretheywantedfires),anditwentoutthefirsttimebecausethewindmusthavechangedroundafterhehadbeguntolaythewood.Hegotthedraughtintherightplacethenexttime,andforamomentwethoughtweshouldhavetotaketotheboats;butthecaptainavertedapanic,andthefirewasgotunder.Thenthekettlewasputon,andofalltheboiledwaterIhaveevertastedthiswasthebest.

“Youknow,”saidArchie,“inSimpsonthenationhaslostawonderfulscoutmaster.”

“Oh,Samuel,”criedMyra,“tellushowyoutrackedthemulesthatafternoon,andknewtheywerewoundedbecauseoftheblood.”

“TellusaboutthattimewhenyoubribedtheregimentalanchovyofTroopBtobetraythesecretpasswordtoyou.”

“Iignoreyoubecauseyou’rejealous.MayIhavesomemoretea,MissMannering?”

Mannering?”

“CallmeMyra,ScoutmasterSimpsonofTheSpectatortroop,andyoushall.”

“Iblushformyunblushingsex,”saidDahlia.

“Iblushformyfamily,”saidArchie.“Thatayounggirlofgentlebirth,nurturedinapeacefulEnglishhome,broughtupinanatmosphereofold-worldcourtesy,shouldsofarforgetherselfastoattempttowheedleapromisingyoungscoutmaster,whocanlightafire,practicallyspeaking,backwards—this,Irepeat,istoomuch.”

ItwasThomaswhochangedthesubjectsoabruptly.

“Isupposethetidecomesasfarasthis?”hesaid.

“Itdoes,captain.”

“Thenthatwouldaccountfortheboathavinggone.”

“ThatandSimpson’sspecialknot,”Isaid,keepingcalmforthesakeofthewomenandchildren.

Archiejumpedupwithashout.Theboatwasabouttwentyyardsfromtheshore,goingveryslowlyupstream.

“It’sverybadtobathejustafteraheavymeal,”Iremindedhim.

“I’mnotsurethatI’mgoingto,butI’mquitesurethatoneofuswillhaveto.”

“Walkuptheriverwithit,”saidMyra,“whileDahliaandIpack,andtheonewho’sfirstdigestedgoesin.”

Wewalkedup.Ifeltthatinmyowncasetheprocessofassimilationwouldbealengthyone.

VI.—ALITTLECRICKETFORANENDING

Wecamebackfroma“MenOnly”sailtofindMyrabubblingoverwithexcitement.

“I’vegotsomenewsforyou,”shesaid,“butI’mnotgoingtotellyoutilldinner.Bequickandchange.”

“Bother,she’sgoingtogetmarried,”Imurmured.

Myragurgledanddroveusoff.

“Putonallyourmedalsandorders,Thomas,”shecalledupthestairs;“and,Archie,it’sachampagnenight.”

“Ibelieve,oldfellow,”saidSimpson,“she’smarriedalready.”

Halfanhourlaterwewereallreadyforthenews.

“Justamoment,Myra,”saidArchie.“I’dbetterwarnyouthatwe’reexpectingagooddeal,andthatifyoudon’tliveuptotheexcitementyou’vecreated,you’llbestoodinthecornerfortherestofdinner.”

“She’squitesafe,”saidDahlia.

“OfcourseIam.Well,nowI’mgoingtobegin.Thismorning,abouteleven,Iwentandhadabathe,andImetanothergirlinthesea.”

“Horriblycrowdedtheseaisgettingnowadays,”commentedArchie.

“Andshebegantotalkaboutwhatajollydayitwasandsoon,andIgavehermycard—ImeanIsaid,‘I’mMyraMannering.’Andshesaid,‘I’msureyou’rekeenoncricket.’”

“Ilikethewaygirlstalkinthesea,”saidArchie.“Sodirect.”

“WhatisthereaboutourMyra,”Iasked,“thatstampsherasacricketer,evenwhenshe’sonlygotherheadabovewater?”

“She’dseenmeonland,silly.Well,wewentontalking,andatlastshesaid,‘WillyouplayusatmixedcricketonSaturday?’AndabigwavecamealongandwentinsidemejustasIwassayingyes.”

“Hooray!Myra,yourhealth.”

“Hooray!Myra,yourhealth.”

“We’reonlysix,though,”addedArchie.“Didn’tyouswimupagainstanybodyelsewholookedlikeacricketerandmightplayforus?”

“ButwecaneasilypickupfivepeoplebySaturday,”saidMyraconfidently.“Andoh,Idohopewe’reinform;wehaven’tplayedforyears.”

…….

Welostthetoss,andMyraledherteamoutontothefield.Thelastfiveplacesintheelevenhadbeenfilledwithcare:apreparatoryschool-boyandhislittlesister(foundbyDahliaonthebeach),MissDebenham(foundbySimpsonontheroadwithapuncturedbicycle),MrsOakley(foundbyArchieatthestationandre-discoveredbyMyraintheChannel),andSarah,ajollygirlofsixteen(foundbymeandThomasinthetobacconist’s,whereshewasbuyingTheSportsman).

“Wherewouldyouallliketofield?”askedthecaptain.

“Let’sstandroundingroups,justatthestart,andthenseewherewe’rewanted.Who’sgoingtobowl?”

“MeandSamuel.IwonderifIdarebowloverhand.”

“I’mgoingto,”saidSimpson.

“Youcan’t,notwithyourlefthand.”

“Whynot?Hirstdoes.”

“ThenIshan’tfieldpoint,”saidThomaswithdecision.

However,asithappened,itwasshortlegwhoreceivedthefirsttwoballs,beautifulswervingwides,whilethenexttwowerewellcaughtandreturnedbythirdman.Simpson’srangebeingthusestablished,hemadeadeterminedattackontheoverproperwithlobs,andmanagedtowipeoffhalfofit.Encouragedbythis,hereturnedwithsuchsuccesstooverhandthattheverynextballgotintotheanalysis,thebatsmanreachingoutandhittingitoverthehedgeforsix.Two

theanalysis,thebatsmanreachingoutandhittingitoverthehedgeforsix.Twomorerange-findersfollowedbeforeSimpsonscoredanotherdotwithasneak;andthen,atwhatshouldhavebeenthelastball,atragedyoccurred.

“Wide,”saidtheumpire.

“But—butIwasb-bowlingUNDERHAND,”stammeredSimpson.

“Nowyou’venothingtofallbackon,”Ipointedout.

Simpsonconsideredthenewsituation.“Thenyoufellowscan’tmindifIgoonwithoverhand,”hesaidjoyfully,andheplayedhistwelfth.

Itwasthebatsman’sownfault.Likeatruegentlemanhewentaftertheball,caughtitupnearpoint,andhitithardinthedirectionofcover.Sarahshotupahandunconcernedly.

“Oneforsix,”saidSimpson,andwentovertoMissDebenhamtoexplainhowhedidit.

“Hemustcomeoff,”saidArchie.“Wehaveareputationtokeepup.It’shislefthand,ofcourse,butwecan’tgoroundtoallthespectatorsandexplainthathecanreallybowlquitedecentlonghopswithhisright.”

Inthenextovernothingmuchhappened,exceptthatMissDebenhammissedasitter.SubsequentlySimpsoncaughthereyefromanotherpartofthefield,andexplainedtelegraphicallytoherhowsheshouldhavedrawnherhandsintoreceivetheball.ThethirdoverwasentrustedtoSarah.

“Sofar,”saidDahlia,halfanhourlater,“theRabbitshavenotshone.Sarahisdoingitall.”

“Hangit,Dahlia,ThomasandIdiscoveredthechild.Givethecreditwhereitisdue.”

“Well,whydon’tyouputmyBobbyon,then?Boysareallowedtoplayright-handed,youknow.”

SoBobbywenton,andwithSarah’shelpfinishedofftheinnings.

“Jollygoodrot,”hesaidtoSimpson,“you’rehavingtobowlleft-handed.”

“Jollygoodrot,”hesaidtoSimpson,“you’rehavingtobowlleft-handed.”

“MydearRobert,”Isaid,“MrSimpsonisanaturalbase-ballpitcher,hehasanacquiredswerveatbandy,andheisalepidopteristofconsiderablecharm.Buthecan’tbowlwitheitherhand.”

“Coo!”saidBobby.

Thealliescameoutevenmorestronglywhenwewentintobat.IwastheonlyRabbitwhomadeten,andmywholeinningswasplayedinanatmosphereofsuspicionverytryingtoasensitiveman.MrsOakleywasinwhenItookguard,andIplayedouttheoverwithgreatcare,beingmorallybowledbyeveryball.Attheendofitahorriblethoughtoccurredtome:Ihadbeenbattingright-handed!NaturallyIchangedroundformynextball.(Movementsofsurprise.)

“Hallo,”saidthewicket-keeper,“Ithoughtyouwereleft-handed;whyaren’tyouplayingright?”

“No,I’mreallyright-handed,”Isaid.“Iplayedthatwaybymistakejustnow.Sorry.”

Hegruntedsceptically,andthebowlercameuptohavethingsexplainedtoher.ThenextballIhitleft-handedforsix.(LOUDMUTTERS.)

“Ishereallyright-handed?”thebowleraskedMrsOakley.

“Idon’tknow,”shesaid,“I’veneverseenhimbefore.”(SENSATION.)

“Ithink,ifyoudon’tmind,we’dratheryouplayedright-handed.”

“Certainly.”Thenextballwasafullpitch,andItookaright-handedsix.Therewasanawfulhush.Ilookedroundatthefieldandpreparedtorunforit.Ifeltthattheysuspectedmeofalltheundiscoveredcrimesoftheyear.

“Lookhere,”Isaid,nearlycrying,“I’llplayanywayyoulike—sideways,orupsidedown,orhangingontothebranchofatree,or—”

Theatmospherewastoomuchforme.Itrodonmywickets,burstintotears,andboltedtothetent.

…….

“Well,”saidDahlia,“wewon.”

“Yes,”weallagreed,“wewon.”

“Evenifwedidn’tdomuchofitourselves,”Simpsonpointedout,“wehadjollygoodfun.”

“WealwayshaveTHAT,”saidMyra.

THEHOUSE-WARMING

I.—WORKFORALL

“Well,”saidDahlia,“whatdoyouthinkofit?”

Iknockedtheashesoutofmyafter-breakfastpipe,arrangedthecushionsofmydeck-chair,andletmyeyeswanderlazilyoverthehouseanditssurroundings.Afterayearofhotelsandotherpeople’shouses,DahliaandArchiehadcomeintotheirown.

“I’venocomplaints,”Isaidhappily.

Avisionofwhiteandgoldappearedinthedoorwayandglidedoverthelawntowardus—Myrawithajug.

“Noneatall,”saidSimpson,sittingupeagerly.

“ButThomasisn’tquitesatisfiedwithoneofthebathrooms,I’mafraid.IheardhimsayingsomethinginthepassageaboutitthismorningwhenIwasinside.”

“Iaskedifyou’dgonetosleepinthebath,”explainedThomas.

“Ihadn’t.Itispracticallyimpossible,Thomas,togotosleepinacoldbath.”

“Except,perhaps,foraCivilServant,”saidBlair.

“Exactly.OfthepracticeintheAdmiraltyThomascantelluslateron.FormyselfIwasatthewindowlookingatthebeautifulview.”

“Whycan’tyoulookatitfromyourownwindowinsteadofkeepingpeopleoutofthebathroom?”gruntedThomas.

“Becausetheviewfrommyroomisanentirelydifferentone.”

“Thereisnostintinthishouse,”Dahliapointedout.

“No,”saidSimpson,jumpingupexcitedly.

“No,”saidSimpson,jumpingupexcitedly.

Myraputthejugofciderdowninfrontofus.

“There!”shesaid.“Pleasecountit,andseethatIhaven’tdrunkanyontheway.”

“Thisisawfullyniceofyou,Myra.AndacompletesurprisetoallofusexceptSimpson.Weshallprobablybehereagainto-morrowaboutthesametime.”

Therewasalongsilence,brokenonlybytheextremelyjollysoundofliquidfallingfromaheight.

JustasitwascomingtoanendArchieappearedsuddenlyamongusanddroppedonthegrassbythesideofDahlia.Simpsonlookedguiltilyattheemptyjug,andthenleantdowntohishost.

“TO-MORROW!”hesaidinastagewhisper.“ABOUTTHESAMETIME.”

“Idoubtit,”saidArchie.

“Iknowitforafact,”protestedSimpson.

“I’mafraidMyraandSamuelmadeanassignationforthismorning,”saidDahlia.

“There’snothinginit,really,”saidMyra.“He’sonlytriflingwithme.Hedoesn’tmeananything.”

Simpsonburiedhisconfusedheadinhisglass,andproceededtochangethesubject.

“Wealllikeyourhouse,Archie,”hesaid.

“Wedo,”Iagreed,“andwethinkit’sveryniceofyoutoaskusdowntoopenit.”

“Itisrather,”saidArchie.

“Wearedetermined,therefore,todoallwecantogivethehouseahomeyappearance.IdidwhatIcouldforthebathroomthismorning.Iflattermyselfthatthetaintofnewnesshasnowbeendispelled.”

“Iwassureitwasyou,”saidMyra.“Howdoyougetthewaterrightupthewalls?”

“Easily.Further,Archie,ifyouwantanysuggestionsastohowtoimprovetheplace,ourideasareatyourdisposal.”

“Forinstance,”saidThomas,“wheredoweplaycricket?”

“Bytheway,youfellows,”announcedSimpson,“I’vegivenupplayingcricket.”

Wealllookedathiminconsternation.

“Doyoumeanyou’vegivenupBOWLING?”saidDahlia,withwide-openeyes.

“Aren’tyouevergoingtowalktothewicketsagain?”askedBlair.

“Aren’tyouevergoingtowalkbacktothepavilionagain?”askedArchie.

“WhatwillMontgomeryshiresay?”wonderedMyraintonesofawe.

“MayIhaveyourbeltandyoursand-shoes?”Ibegged.

“It’sthecider,”saidThomas.“Iknewhewasoverdoingit.”

Simpsonfixedhisglassesfirmlyonhisnoseandlookedroundatusbenignly.

“I’vegivenitupforgolf,”heobserved.

“Traitor,”saideveryone.

“AndtheTriangularTournamentarrangedfor,andeverything,”addedMyra.

“Youcouldmakeajollylittlecourseroundhere,”wentontheinfatuatedvictim.“Ifyoulike,Archie,I’ll—”

Archiestoodupandmadeaspeech.

“Ladiesandgentlemen,”hesaid,“at11.30to-morrowpreciselyIinviteyoutothepaddockbeyondthekitchen-garden.”

“MyraandIhaveanappointment,”putinSimpsonhastily.

“Anetwillbeerected,”Archiewenton,ignoringhim,“andMrSimpsonwilltakehisstandtherein,whileweallbowlathim—or,ifanypreferit,atthewicket—forfiveminutes.Hewillthenbowlatusforanhour,afterwhichhewillhaveanotherhour’ssmartfieldingpractice.Ifheisstillaliveandstilltalksaboutgolf,whythen,Iwon’tsaybutwhathemightn’tbeallowedtoplanoutalittlecourse—or,atanyrate,todoalittlepreliminaryweeding.”

“Goodman,”saidSimpson.

“Andifanybodyelsethinkshehasgivenupcricketforludoorcroquetororangesandlemons,thenhecandevotehimselftoplanningoutalittlecourseforthattoo—oranyhowtoremovingafewplantainsinpreparationforit.Infact,ladiesandgentlemen,allIwantisforyoutomakeyourselvesashappyandasusefulasyoucan.”

“It’swhatyou’reherefor,”saidDahlia.

II.—AGALAPERFORMANCE

THEsuncameintomyroomearlynextmorningandwokemeup.Itwasfollowedimmediatelybyalargeblue-bottlewhichsettleddowntoplaywithme.Weadoptedtheusualformation,theblue-bottlekeepingmostlytothebackofthecourtwhilstIwaitedatthenetforakill.AftertwosetsIdecidedtochangemytactics.IlookedupattheceilingandpretendedIwasn’tplaying.Theblue-bottlesettledonmynoseandwalkedupmyforehead.“Heavens!”Icried,claspingmyhandsuddenlytomybrow,“I’veforgottenmytoothbrush!”Thistookitcompletelybysurprise,andIremoveditscorpseintothecandlestick.

ThenSimpsoncameinwithagolfclubinhishand.

“GreatScott,”heshouted,“you’renotstillinbed?”

“Iamnot.Thisistelepathicsuggestion.YouthinkI’minbed;Iappeartobeinbed;inrealitythereisnobedhere.Dogoaway—Ihaven’thadawinkofsleepyet.”

“But,man,lookatthelovelymorning!”

“But,man,lookatthelovelymorning!”

“Simpson,”Isaidsternly,rollingupthesleevesofmypyjamaswithgreatdeliberation,“Ihavehadonevisitoralreadyto-day.Hiscorpseisnowinthecandlestick.Itisanomen,Simpson.”

“Ithoughtyou’dliketocomeoutsidewithme,andI’dshowyoumyswing.”

“Yes,yes,Ishallliketoseethat,butAFTERbreakfast,Simpson.Isupposeoneofthegardenersputitupforyou?Youmustshowmeyourboxofsoldiersandyourtricyclehorse,too.Butrunawaynow,there’sagoodboy.”

“Mygolf-swing,idiot.”

Isatupinbedandstaredathiminsheeramazement.Foralongtimewordswouldn’tcometome.Simpsonbackednervouslytothedoor.

“IsawtheCoronation,”Isaidatlast,andIdroppedbackonmypillowandwenttosleep.

……

“Ifeelveryimportant,”saidArchie,comingontothelawnwhereMyraandIwereplayingaquietgameofbowlswiththecroquetballs.“I’vebeenpayingthewages.”

“ArchieandIdohateitso,”saidDahlia.“I’mluckier,becauseIonlypaymineonceamonth.”

“Itwouldbemuchniceriftheydiditforlove,”saidArchie,“andjustacceptedatie-pinoccasionally.IneverknowwhattosaywhenIhandamaneighteen-and-six.”

“Here’seighteen-and-six,”Isuggested,“anddon’tbitethehalf-sovereign,becauseitmaybebad.”

“Youshouldshakehishand,”saidMyra,“andsay,‘Thankyouverymuchfortheazaleas.’”

theazaleas.’”

“Oryoumightwrapthemoneyupinpaperandleaveitforhiminoneofthebeds.”

“Andthenyou’dknowwhetherhehadmadeitproperly.”

“Well,you’reallveryhelpful,”saidArchie.“Thankyouextremely.Wherearetheothers?It’sapitythattheyshouldbeleftoutofthis.”

“Simpsondisappearedafterbreakfastwithhisgolf-clubs.Heisinhighdudgeon—whichisthesurnameofasmallfish—becausenoonewantedtoseehisswing.”

“Oh,butIdo,”saidDahliaeagerly.“Whereishe?”

“Wewilltrackhimdown,”announcedArchie.“Iwillgotothestables,unchainthetruffle-hounds,andshowthemoneofhisreversiblecuffs.”

WefoundSimpsoninthepig-sty.Thethirdhole,ashewasplanningitoutforArchie,necessitatedthecarryingofthefarmbuildings,whichhedescribedasanaturalhazard.Unfortunately,hisballhadfallenintoacasualpig-sty.Ithadnotyetbeendecidedwhethertheballcouldbepickedoutwithoutpenalty—themoreimmediateneedbeingtofindtheblessedthing.SoSimpsonwasinthepig-sty,searching.

“Ifyou’relookingfortheoldsow,”Isaid,“theresheis,justbehindyou.”

“What’sthelocalruleaboutloosepigsblownontothecourse?”askedArchie.

“Oh,youfellows,thereyouare,”saidSimpsonrapidly.“I’mgettingonfirst-rate.Thisisthethirdhole,Archie.Itwillberathergood,Ithink;thegreenisjusttheothersideofthepond.Icanmakeaverysportinglittlecourse.”

“We’vecometoseeyourswing,Samuel,”saidMyra.“Canyoudoitinthere,orisittoocrowded?”

“I’llcomeout.Thisball’slost,I’mafraid.”

“Oneofthelittlepigswilleatit,”complainedArchie,“andweshallhaveindiarubbercrackling.”

Simpsoncameoutandproceededtogivehisdisplay.Fortunatelytheweatherkeptfine,theconditionsindeedbeingallthatcouldbedesired.Thesunshonebrightly,andtherewasaslightbreezefromthesouthwhichtemperedtheheatandinnowaymilitatedagainstthegeneralenjoyment.Theperformancewasdividedintotwoparts.ThefirstpartconsistedofMrSimpson’sswingWITHOUTtheball,thesecondpartbeingdevotedtoMrSimpson’sswingWITHtheball.

“Thisismyswing,”saidSimpson.

Hesettledhimselfostentatiouslyintohisstanceandplacedhisclub-headstifflyonthegroundthreefeetawayfromhim.

“Middle,”saidArchie.

Simpsonfrownedandbegantowagglehisclub.Hewaggleditcarefullyadozentimes.

“It’saveryniceswing,”saidMyraattheendoftheninthmovement,“butisn’titrathershort?”

Simpsonsaidnothing,butdrewhisclubslowlyandjerkilyback,twistinghisbodyandkeepinghiseyefixedonanimaginaryballuntilthebackofhisneckhiditfromsight.

“Youcanseeitbetterroundthissidenow,”suggestedArchie.

“He’llsplitifhegoeson,”saidThomasanxiously.

“Watchthis,”IwarnedMyra.“He’sgoingtopickapinoutofthebackofhiscalfwithhisteeth.”

ThenSimpsonlethimselfgo,finishingupinaverycreditableknotindeed.

“That’squitegood,”saidDahlia.“Doesitdoaswellwhenthere’saball?”

“Well,Imissitsometimes,ofcourse.”

“Wealldothat,”saidThomas.

Thusencouraged,Simpsonputdownaballandbegantoaddressit.Itwas

Thusencouraged,Simpsonputdownaballandbegantoaddressit.Itwasapparentatoncethatthelastaddresshadbeenonlyhistelegraphicone;thiswasthegenuineaffair.Afterwhatseemedtobefourorfiveminutestherewasageneralfeelingthatsomeapologywasnecessary.Simpsonrecognizedthishimself.

“I’malittlenervous,”hesaid.

“Notsonervousasthepigsare,”saidArchie.

Simpsonfinishedhisaddressandgotontohisswing.Heswung.Hehittheball.Theball,whichseemedtohavetoomuchleft-handsideonit,whizzedoffanddisappearedintothepond.Itsank….

Luckilytheweatherhadhelduptillthelast.

“Well,well,”saidArchie,“it’stimeforlunch.Wehavehadariotousmorning.Let’salltakeiteasythisafternoon.”

III.—UNEXPECTEDGUESTS

SometimesIdoalittleworkinthemorning.Doctorsareagreednowthatanoccasionalspellofworkinthemorningdoesn’tdomeanyharm.Myannouncementatbreakfastthatthiswasoneofthemorningswasgreetedwithasurprisedenthusiasmwhichwasmostflattering.Archieofferedmehisownroomwherehedoeshisthinking;Simpsonofferedmeanib;andDahliapromisedmeaquiettimetilllunch.Ithankedthemallandsettleddowntowork.

ButDahliadidn’tkeepherpromise.Myfirsthourwaspeaceful,butafterthatIhadinquiriesbyeverypost.BlairlookedintoknowwhereMyrawas;ArchieaskedifI’dseenDahliaanywhere;andwhenfinallyThomas’sheadappearedinthedoorwayIdecidedthatIhadhadenoughofit.

“Oh,Isay,”beganThomas,“willyoucomeand—butIsupposeyou’rebusy.”

“Nottoobusy,”Isaid,“tospareawordortwoforanoldfriend,”andIpickedupthedictionarytothrowathim.ButhewasgonebeforeIcouldtakeaim.

“Thisistheend,”Isaidtomyself,andafterfiveminutesmoredecidedtogiveupworkandseekrefreshmentandcongenialconversation.TomysurpriseIfoundneither.Everyroomseemedtobeempty,thetennislawnwasdeserted,andArchie’scricket-bagandSimpson’sgolf-clubsrestedpeacefullyinthehall.Somethingwasgoingon.Iwentbacktomyworkanddecidedtohavethesecretoutatlunch.

“Nowthen,”Isaid,whenthatblessedhourarrived,“tellmeaboutit.You’vedesertedmeallmorning,butI’mnotgoingtobeleftout.”

“It’syourfaultforshuttingyourselfup.”

“Duty,”Isaid,slappingmychest—“duty,”andIknockedmyglassoverwithanelbow.“Oh,Dahlia,I’mhorriblysorry.MayIgoandstandinthecorner?”

“Let’stalkveryfastandpretendwedidn’tnoticeit,”saidMyra,helpingmetomop.“Goon,Archie.”

“Well,it’slikethis,”saidArchie.“AlittlewhileagotheVicarcalledhere.”

“Idon’tseethatthat’sanyreasonforkeepingmeinthebackground.IhavemetclergymenbeforeandIknowwhattosaytothem.”

“WhenIsayalittlewhileagoImeanaboutthreeweeks.We’dhaveaskedyoudownforthenightifwe’dknownyouweresokeenonclergymen.Well,astheresultofthatunfortunatevisit,theschooltreattakesplaceherethisafternoon,andlorblessmeifIhadn’tforgottenallaboutittillthismorning.”

“You’llhavetohelp,please,”saidDahlia.

“Onlydon’tspillanything,”saidThomas.

TheyhaveapoorsenseofhumourintheAdmiralty.

…….

Itookababyineachhandandwanderedofftolookforbees.Theiridea,not

Itookababyineachhandandwanderedofftolookforbees.Theiridea,notmine.

“Thebestbeesareroundhere,”Isaid,andIledthemalongtothefrontofthehouse.OnthelawnwasMyra,surroundedbyabouteightbabies.

“Twomoreforyourcollection,”Iannounced.“Veryfinespecimens.Thewordwiththemisbees.”

“Aren’ttheydarlings?Sitdown,babies,andtheprettygentlemanwilltellusallastory.”

“Meaningme?”Iaskedinsurprise.Myralookedbeseechinglyatmeasshearrangedthechildrenallroundher.Isatdownnearthemandtriedtothink.

“Onceuponatime,”Isaid,“therewasa—a—therewasa—wasa—abee.”

Myranoddedapprovingly.Sheseemedtolikethestorysofar.Ididn’t.Thegreatdearthofadventuresthatcouldhappentoabeewasrevealedtomeinaflash.IsawthatIhadbeenhasty.

“Atleast,”Iwenton,“hethoughthewasabee,butashegrewuphisfriendsfeltthathewasnotreallyabeeatall,butadearlittlerabbit.Hisfurwastoolongforabee.”

Myrashookherheadatmeandfrowned.Mystorywasgettingover-subtlefortheinfantmind.Ideterminedtostraightenitoutfinally.

“However,”Iadded,“theoldnamestucktohim,andtheyallcalledhimabee.NowthenIcangeton.WherewasI?”

Butatthismomentmystorywasinterrupted.

“Comehere,”shoutedArchiefromthedistance.“You’rewanted.”

“I’msorry,”Isaid,gettingupquickly.“Willyoufinishthestoryforme?You’dbetterleaveoutthepartwherehestingstheShahofPersia.That’stooexciting.Good-bye.”AndIhurriedafterArchie.

“HelpSimpsonwithsomeoftheseraces,”saidArchie.“He’sgettinghimselfintothedickensofamess.”

Simpsonhadstartedtworacessimultaneously;hencethetrouble.Inoneofthemthebiggerboyshadtoracetoasackcontainingtheirboots,rescuetheirownpair,putthemon,andracebacktothestarting-point.Good!Intheotherthesmallerboys,eacharmedwithapapercontainingaprobleminarithmetic,hadtoruntotheirsisters,waitfortheproblemtobesolved,andthenrunbackwiththeanswer.Excellent!Simpsonathismostinventive.Unfortunately,whenthebootlessboysarrivedattheturningpost,theyfoundnothingbutasmallprobleminarithmeticawaitingthem,whileontheadjoiningstretchofgrassyoungmathematiciansweretrying,withthehelpoftheirsisters,togetintotwopairsofbootsatonce.

“Hallo,thereyouare,”saidSimpson.“Dohelpme;Ishallbemobbedinamoment.It’sthemothers.Theythinkthewholethingisaschemeforstealingtheirchildren’sboots.Can’tyoustartaraceforthem?”

“Youneveroughttogoaboutwithoutsomebody.Where’sThomas?”

“He’splayingrounders.Hescoredarounderbyhimselfjustnowfromanoverthrow,butweshallhearaboutitatdinner.Lookhere,there’sagamecalled‘TwosandThrees.’Couldn’tyoustartthemothersatthat?Youstandintwos,andwheneveranyonestandsinfrontofthetwothenthepersonbehindthetworunsaway.”

“Areyousure?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”saidSimpson.

“Itsoundstooexcitingtobetrue.Ican’tbelieveit.”

“Goon,there’sagoodchap.They’llknowhowtoplayallright.”

“Oh,verywell.Dotheytaketheirbootsofffirstornot?”

TwosandThreeswasagreatsuccess.

IfoundthatIhadquiteaFLAIRforthegame.Iseemedtotaketoitnaturally.

BythetimeourmatchwasfinishedSimpson’slittlefootweartroublewasoverandhewasorganizingagrandthree-leggedrace.

“Ithinktheyareallenjoyingit,”saidDahlia.

“Ithinktheyareallenjoyingit,”saidDahlia.

“Theyloveit,”Isaid;“Thomasisperfectlyhappymakingrounders.”

“ButImeantthechildren.Don’tyouthinktheyloveittoo?ThebabiesseemsohappywithMyra.Isupposeshe’stellingthemstories.”

“Ithinkso.She’sgotratheragoodoneaboutabee.Oh,yes,they’rehappyenoughwithher.”

“Ihopetheyallhadenoughtoeatattea.”

“AllowingforalittlenaturalshynessIthinktheydidwell.AndIdidn’tspillanything.Altogetherithasbeenratherasuccess.”

Dahliastoodlookingdownatthechildren,youngandold,playinginthefieldbeneathher,andgaveasighofhappiness.

“Now,”shesaid,“IfeelthehouseisREALLYwarm.”

IV.—AWORDINSEASON

“Archie,”saidBlair,“what’sthatbigemptyroomabovethebilliard-roomfor?”

“That,”saidArchie,“iswherewehidethecorpsesofourguests.Isleepwiththekeyundermypillow.”

“Thisisrathersudden,”Isaid.“I’mnotatallsurethatIshouldhavecomeifIhadknownthat.”

“Don’tfrightenthem,dear;tellthemthetruth.”

“Well,thetruthis,”saidArchie,“thattherewassomeideaofalittleplay-actingthereoccasionally.Hencethecurtain-rod,theemergencyexitandotherdevices.”

“Thenwhyhaven’twedoneany?Wecamedownheretoopenyourhouseforyou,andthenyougoandlockupthemostimportantroomofall,andsleepwith

you,andthenyougoandlockupthemostimportantroomofall,andsleepwiththekeyunderyourpillow.”

“It’stoohot.Butwe’lldoalittlecharadeto-nightifyoulike—justtoairtheplace.”

“Hooray,”saidMyra,“Iknowalovelyword.”

Myra’slittlewordwasintwosyllablesandrequiredthreeperformers.ArchieandIwerekindlyincludedinhercompany.Simpsonthreatenedtofollowwithsomethingimmenseandarchaic,andThomasalsohadsomethingrathergooduphissleeve,butIamnotgoingtobotheryouwiththese.Onewordwillbeenoughforyou.

FIRSTSCENE

“Oh,good-morning,”saidMyra.Shehadaddedahatandasunshadetoherevening-frock,andwassupportedbymeinagentleman’slounge-coatandboaterforHenleywear.

“Good-morning,mum,”saidArchie,hitchinguphisapronandspreadinghishandsonthetableinfrontofhim.

“Ijustwantthisribbonmatched,please.”

“Certainly,mum.Won’tyourlittleboy—Ibegpardon,theoldgentleman,takeaseattoo?Whatcolourdidyouwanttheribbon,mum?”

“Thesamecolourasthis,”Isaid.“Idiot.”

“Yourgrandfatherisinabitofadraught,I’mafraid,mum.Italwaysstimulatestheflowoflanguage.Mygrandfatherwasjustthesame.I’mafraid,mum,wehaven’tanyribbonasyoumightsaytheSAMEcolourasthis.”

“Ifit’sverynearitwilldo.”

“Nowwhatcolourwouldyoucallthat?”wonderedArchie,withhisheadononeside.“Kindofpuce-like,Ishouldputitat.Puce-magenta,aswesayinthetrade.No;we’rerightoutofpuce-magenta.”

“Showtheladywhatyouhavegot,”Isaidsternly.

“Well,mum,I’mrightoutofribbon,altogether.ThefactisI’mmoreofanironmongerreally.Thedraper’sisjusttheothersideoftheroad.Youwouldn’tlikeagarden-rollernow?Icandoyouanicegarden-rollerfortwopoundfive,andthat’ssimplygivingitaway.”

“Oh,shallwehaveaniceroller?”saidMyraeagerly.

“I’mnotgoingtocarryithome,”Isaid.

“I’mnotgoingtocarryithome,”Isaid.

“That’sallright,sir.Mylittleladwilltakeituponhisbicycle.Twopoundsfive,mum,andsixpenceforthemouse-trapthegentleman’sbeensittingon.Saythreepounds.”

Myratookoutherpurse.

SECONDSCENE

Wewerebackinourordinaryclothes.

“Iwonderiftheyguessedthat,”saidArchie.

“Itwasveryeasy,”saidMyra.“Ishouldhavethoughtthey’dhaveseenitatonce.”

“Butofcoursethey’renotaverycleverlot,”Iexplained.“Thatfellowwiththespectacles—”

“Simpsonhisnameis,”saidArchie.“Iknowhimwell.He’saprofessionalgolfer.”

“Well,heLOOKSlearnedenough.Iexpectheknowsallright.Buttheothers—”

“Doyouthinktheyknewthatweweresupposedtobeinashop?”

“Surely!Why,Ishouldthinkeven—What’sthatman’snameoverthere?No;thatonenexttotheprettylady—ah,yes,Thomas.IsthatThomas,thewonderfulcueist,bytheway?Really!Well,IshouldthinkevenThomasguessedthatmuch.”

“Whynotdoitoveragaintomakesure?”

“Ohno,itwasperfectlyobvious.Let’sgetontothefinalscene.”

“I’mafraidthatwillgiveitawayrather,”saidMyra.

“I’mafraidso,”agreedArchie.

THIRDSCENE

Wesatoncamp-stoolsandlookedupattheceilingwithourmouthsopen.

“‘E’slate,”saidArchie.

“Idon’tbelieve‘e’scoming,andIdon’tmind‘oo‘earsmesyeso,”saidMyra.“Sothere!”

“‘Otwork,”Isaid,wipingmybrow.

“Nar,notupthere.Not‘ot.Niceandbreezylike.”

“But‘e’snearerthesunthanwotweare,ain’t‘e?”

“Ah,but‘e’snot‘ot.Notupthere.”

“‘Ere,there‘eis,”criedMyra,jumpingupexcitedly.“Overthere.‘Ownaow,it’sabird.IdeclareIquitethoughtitwas‘im.Sillyofme.”

Therewassilenceforalittle,andthenArchietookasandwichoutofhispocket.

“Wunnerwotthey’llinventnext,”hesaid,andmunchedstolidly.

…….

“Welldone,”saidDahlia.

“ThomasandIhavebeentryingtoguess,”saidSimpson,“butthestrainisterrific.Myfirstideawas‘codfish,’butIsupposethat’swrong.It’seither‘silkworm’or‘wardrobe.’Thomassuggests‘mangel-wurzel.’HesaysheneversawanybodywhohadsomuchthewholeairofawurzelasArchie.Theindefinableelanofthewurzelwasthere.”

“Can’tyoureallyguess?”saidMyraeagerly.

“Idon’tknowwhetherIwantyoutoornot.Ohno,Idon’twantyouto.”

“ThenIwithdraw‘mangel-wurzel,’”saidSimpsongallantly.

“IthinkIcanguess,”saidBlair.“It’s—”

“Whisperit,”saidSimpson.“I’mnevergoingtoknow.”

Blairwhisperedit.

“Yes,”saidMyradisappointedly,“that’sit.”

V.—UNINVITEDGUESTS

“Nine,”saidArchie,separatinghislatestvictimfromthemarmaladespoonanddroppingitintothehotwater.“Thisisgoingtobeasanguinaryday.WithaprettylatecutintothepeachjellyMrA.Manneringreacheddoublefigures.Ten.BattlesarebeingwonwhileThomasstillsleeps.Anyadvanceonten?”

“DoesthatincludeMYwasp?”askedMyra.

“Thereareonlytenhere,”saidArchie,lookingintothebasin,“andthey’reallmine.Irememberthemperfectly.Whatwasyourslike?”

“Well,Ididn’texactlykillhim.Ismackedhimwithateaspoonandaskedhimtogoaway.Andhewentontoyourmarmalade,soIexpectyouthoughthewasyours.Butitwasreallymine,andIdon’tthinkit’sverysportingofyoutokillanotherperson’swasp.”

“Haveoneofmine,”Isaid,pushingmyplateacross.“HaveBernard—he’ssittingonthegreen-gage.”

“Idon’treallywanttokillanything.IkilledarabbitonceandIwishedIhadn’t.”

“Inearlykilledarabbitonce,andIwishedIhad.”

“Greatsportsmenataglance,”saidArchie.“Tellusaboutitbeforeitgoesintoyourreminiscences.”

yourreminiscences.”

“Itwasafierceaffairwhileitlasted.TherabbitwassittingdownandIwasstandingup,sothatIratherhadtheadvantageofhimatthestart.Iwaitedtillheseemedtobeasleepandthenfired.”

“Andmissedhim?”

“Y-yes.Heheardthereport,though.Imean,youmustn’tthinkheignoredmealtogether.Imovedhim.Hegotupandwentawayallright.”

“Averyluckyescapeforyou,”saidArchie.“Ionceknewamanwhowasgoredtodeathbyanangryrabbit.”Heslashedintheairwithhisnapkin.“Fifteen.Dahlia,let’shavebreakfastindoorsto-morrow.Thisisveryjollybutit’sjustashot,anditdoesn’tgetThomasupanyearlier,aswehoped.”

Allthatdaywegrilledintheheat.MyraandIstartedagameofcroquetinthemorning,butafteroneshoteachweagreedtoabandonitasadraw—slightlyinmyfavour,becauseIhadgivenherthechippedmallet.Andintheafternoon,ThomasandSimpsonmadeagreatefforttogetupenthusiasmforlawn-tennis.Eachofthemreturnedtheother’sserviceintothenetuntilthescorestoodateightall,atwhichpointtheysuddenlyrealizedthatnothingbuttheviolentdeathofoneofthecompetitorswouldeverendthematch.Theywentontotenalltomakesure,andthenretiredtothelemonadeandwaspjug,Simpsonmissingacoupleofdeadbodiesbyinchesonly.Andafterdinneritwashotterthanever.

“Theheatinmyroom,”announcedArchie,“breaksallrecords.Thethermometersaysahundredandfifty,thebarometersaysverydry,we’vehadtwenty-fivehours’sunshine,andthere’snotadropofrainrecordedinthesoap-dish.Arewegoingtotakethislyingdown?”

“No,”saidThomas,“let’ssleepoutto-night.”

“Whatdoyousay,Dahlia?”

“It’sagoodidea.Youcanallsleeponthecroquetlawn,andMyraandIwilltakethetennislawn.”

“Hadn’tyoubetterhavethecroquetlawn?Thomaswalksinhissleep,andwedon’twanttohavehimgoingthroughhoopsallnight.”

“You’llhavetobringdownyourownmattresses,”wentonDahlia,“andyou’venotgottowalkaboutthegardenintheearlymorning,atleastnotuntilMyraandIareup,andifyou’regoingtofallovercroquethoopsyoumustn’tmakeanoise.That’salltherules,Ithink.”

“I’mgladwe’vegotthetennislawn,”saidMyra;“it’smuchsmoother.Doyouprefertheright-handcourt,dear,ortheleft-hand?”

“WeshallbeveryclosetoNatureto-night,”saidArchie.“Nowweshallknowwhetheritreallyisthenightjar,orSimpsongargling.”

WewereveryclosetoNaturethatnight,butintheearlymorningstillcloser.IwasawakenedbythenoiseofSimpsontalking,asIhoped,inhissleep.However,itappearedthathewasawakeandquiteconsciousofthethingshewassaying.

“Ican’thelpit,”heexplainedtoArchie,whohadgivenexpressiontothegeneralopinionaboutit;“theseballywaspsarealloverme.”

“It’syourownfault,”saidArchie.“Whydoyoueggthemon?Idon’thavewaspsalloverME.”

“Conf—There!I’vebeenstung.”

“You’vebeenwhat?”

“Stung.”

“Stung.Where?”

“Intheneck.”

“Intheneck?”Archieturnedovertome.“Simpson,”hesaid,“hasbeenstungintheneck.TellThomas.”

IwokeupThomas.“Simpson,”Isaid,“hasbeenstungintheneck.”

“Good,”saidThomas,andwenttosleepagain.

“We’vetoldThomas,”saidArchie.“Now,areyousatisfied?”

“Getaway,youbrute,”shoutedSimpson,suddenly,anddivedunderthesheet.

“Getaway,youbrute,”shoutedSimpson,suddenly,anddivedunderthesheet.

ArchieandIlaybackandshoutedwithlaughter.

“It’sreallyverysillyofhim,”saidArchie,“because—goaway—becauseeverybodyknowsthat—getaway,youass—thatwaspsaren’tdangerousunless—confoundyou—unless—Isay,isn’tittimewegotup?”

Icameupfromundermysheetandlookedatmywatch.“Four-thirty,”Isaid,dodgedawasp,andwentbackagain.

“Wemustwaittillfive-thirty,”saidArchie.“Simpsonwasquiteright;heWASstung,afterall.I’lltellhimso.”

Heleantoutofbedtotellhimso,andthenthoughtbetterofitandretiredbeneaththesheets.

Atfive-thirtyagallantlittlepartymadeitswaytothehouse,itsmattressesoveritsshoulders.

“Gently,”saidArchie,aswecameinsightofthetennislawn.

Wewentverygently.Therewereonlywaspsonthetennislawn,butonedoesnotwanttodisturbthelittlefellows.

VI.—AFINALARRANGEMENT

“Seeingthatthisisourlastdaytogether,”beganArchie—

“Oh,DON’T,”saidMyra.“Ican’tbearit.”

“Seeingthatthisisourfirstdaytogether,wemighthavealittletournamentofsomekind,followedbyasmalldistributionofprizes.Whatdoyouthink,Dahlia?”

“Well,IdaresayIcanfindsomething.”

“Anyoldthingthatwedon’twantwilldo;nothingshowyorexpensive.Victory

“Anyoldthingthatwedon’twantwilldo;nothingshowyorexpensive.Victoryisitsownreward.”

“Yes,butifthereISapotofhome-mademarmaladegoingwithit,”Isaid,“somuchthebetter.”

“Dahlia,earmarkthemarmaladeforthisgentleman.Now,what’sitgoingtobe?Golf,Simpson?”

“Why,ofcourse,”saidMyra.“Hasn’thebeengettingitreadyfordays?”

“Thatwillgivehimanunfairadvantage,”Ipointedout.“Heknowseverysinglebrickonthegreens.”

“Oh,Isay,therearen’tanygreensyet,”protestedSimpson.“That’lltakeayearortwo.ButI’vemarkedoutwhitecirclesandyouhavetogetinsidethem.”

“Isawhimdoingthat,”saidArchie.“Iwasafraidheexpectedustoplayprisoners’basewithhim.”

Thegamefixedupon,weproceededtodrawforpartners.

“You’llhavetoplaywithme,Archie,”saidDahlia,“becauseI’mnogoodatall.”

“IshallhavetoplaywithMyra,”Isaid,“becauseI’mnogoodatall.”

“Oh,I’mverygood,”saidMyra.

“ThatlooksasthoughIshouldhavetoplaywith—”“Simpson,”“Thomas,”saidThomasandSimpsontogether.

“You’reallgivingmealotoftrouble,”saidArchie,puttinghispencilbackinhispocket.“I’vejustwrittenyournamesoutneatlyonlittlebitsofpaper,andnowthey’reallwasted.You’llhavetostickthemonyourselvessothatthespectatorswillknowwhoyouareasyouwhizzpast.”Hehandedhisbitsofpaperroundandwentinforhisclubs.

Itwasastrokecompetition,andeachcouplewentroundbyitself.MyraandIstartedlast.

“Nowwe’vegottowinthis,”shesaid,“becauseweshan’tplaytogetheragain

“Nowwe’vegottowinthis,”shesaid,“becauseweshan’tplaytogetheragainforalongtime.”

“That’sanicecheerythingtosaytoapersonjustwhenhe’sdriving.NowIshallhavetoaddresstheballalloveragain.”

“Oh,NO!”

Iaddressedanddespatchedtheball.Itstruckawallabouteightyyardsawayanddropped.Whenwegottherewefoundtoourdisgustthatitwasnestlingattheveryfoot.Myralookedatitdoubtfully.

“Can’tyoumakeitclimbthewall?”Iasked.

“Weshallhavetogoback,I’mafraid.Wecanpretendweleftourpocket-handkerchiefsbehind.”

Shechippeditbackabouttwentyyards,andIsentitonagainaboutahundred.Unfortunatelyitlandedinarut.HoweverMyragotitoutwithgreatresource,andIwasluckyenoughwithmynexttoplaceitinsidethemagiccircle.

“Five,”Isaid.“Youknow,Idon’tthinkyou’rehelpingmemuch.Allyoudidthatholewastogotwenty-oneyardsinthewrongdirection.”

Myrasmiledcheerfullyatmeanddidthenextholeinone.“Wellplayed,partner,”shesaid,asheputherclubbackinitsbag.

“Oh,attheshortholesIdon’tdenythatyou’reuseful.Wheredowegonow?”

“Overthebarn.Thisisthelonghole.”

Igotinanexcellentdrive,butunfortunatelyitdidn’taviatequickenough.Whiletheintrepidspectatorswerestillholdingtheirbreath,therewasanominouscrash.

“DidyousayINthebarnorOVERthebarn?”Iasked,aswehurriedontofindthedamage.

“Wedoplayanexcitinggame,don’twe?”saidMyra.

Wegotintothebarnandfoundtheballandalittleglassonthefloor.

“Whataverysmallholeitmade,”saidMyra,pointingtothebrokenpane.“WhatshallIdo?”

“You’llhavetogobackthroughthehole.It’sanawkwardlittleshot.”

“Idon’tthinkIcould.”

“No,itISratheradifficultstroke.Youwanttostandwellbehindtheball,and—however,theremaybealocalruleaboutit.”

“Idon’tthinkthereisorIshouldhaveheardit.Samuel’sbeentellingmeEVERYTHINGlately.”

“Thenthere’sonlyonethingforit.”Ipointedtothewindowattheotherendofthebarn.“Gostraighton.”

Myragavealittlegurgleofdelight.

“Butweshallhavetosaveupourpocket-money,”shesaid.

Herballhitthewoodinbetweentwopanesandboundedback.Mynextshotwasjustabovetheglass.Myratookaniblickandgottheballbackintothemiddleofthefloor.

“It’ssimplysickeningthatwecan’tbreakawindowwhenwe’rereallytryingto.Ishouldhavethoughtthatanyonecouldhavebrokenawindow.Nowthen.”

“Oh,goodSHOT!”criedMyraabovethecrash.Wehurriedoutanddidtheholeinnine.

Atlunch,havingcompletedeighteenholesoutofthethirty-six,weweresevenstrokesbehindtheleaders,SimpsonandThomas.Simpson,accordingtoThomas,hadbeenplayinglikeabook.GolfFaultsAnalysed—thatbook,Ishouldthink.

“ButIexpecthe’llgotopiecesintheafternoon,”saidThomas.Heturnedtoaservantandadded,“MrSimpsonwon’thaveanythingmore.”

Westartedoursecondroundbrilliantly;continued(afteranunusualincidentonthefifthtee)brilliantly;andendedupbrilliantly.Atthelastteewehadplayedahundredandthirty-seven.Myragotinabeautifuldrivetowithinfiftyyardsof

hundredandthirty-seven.Myragotinabeautifuldrivetowithinfiftyyardsofthecircle.

“Howmany?”saidtheothers,comingupexcitedly.

“Thisisterrible,”saidMyra,puttingherhandtoherheart.“Ahundredand—shallItellthem?—a—a—Oh,dear—a—hundredandthirtyeight.”

“Golly,”saidThomas,“you’vegotoneforit.Wedidahundredandforty.”

“Wedidahundredandforty-two,”saidArchie.“CloseplayattheOval.”

“Oh,”saidMyratome,“DObecareful.Oh,butno,”shewentonquickly,“Idon’tmindabitreallyifwelose.It’sonlyagame.Besides,we—”

“Youforgetthelittlepotofhome-mademarmalade,”Isaidreproachfully.“Dahlia,whatAREtheprizes?Becauseit’sjustpossiblethatMyramightlikethesecondonebetterthanthefirst.InthatcaseIshouldmissthis.”

“Goon,”whisperedMyra.

Iwenton.Therewasamoment’ssilence—andthenadeepsighfromMyra.

“Howaboutit?”Isaidcalmly.

Loudapplause.

“Well,”saidDahlia,“youandMyramakeaverygoodcouple.IsupposeImustfindaprizeforyou.”

“Itdoesn’treallymatter,”saidMyrabreathlessly,“becauseonthefifthteewe—wearrangedabouttheprizes.”

“Wearrangedtogiveeachotherone,”Isaid,smilingatDahlia.

Dahlialookedveryhardatus.

“YouDON’Tmean—?”

Myralaughedhappily.

“Oh,”shesaid,“butthat’sjustwhatwedo.”

ATPLAY

TENANDEIGHT

TheonlyeventofimportancelastweekwasmyvictoryoverHenrybytenandeight.Ifyoudon’twanttohearaboutthat,thenIshallhavetopassontoyouafewfactsabouthismotorbicycle.You’dratherhavetheother?Ithoughtso.

ThedifferencebetweenHenryandmeisthatheiswhatIshouldcallagoodgolfer,andIamwhateverybodyelsecallsabadgolfer.Inconsequenceofthisheinsultsmewithoffersofbisques.

“I’llhavetenthistime,”Isaid,aswewalkedtothetee.

“Betterhavetwelve.Ibeatyouwithelevenyesterday.”

“Thankyou,”Isaidhaughtily,“Iwillhaveten.”Itistruethathebeatmelasttime,butthenowingtobadmanagementonmypartIhadninebisquesleftatthemomentofdefeatsimplyeatingtheirheadsoff.

Henryteedupanddrovea“PinkSpot”outofsight.Henryswearsbythe“PinkSpot”ifthereisanythingofawind.Iuseeithera“QuoVadis,”whichissplendidforgoingoutofbounds,oran“Ostrich,”whichhasawonderfulwayofburyingitselfinthesand.Ifollowedhimtothegreenatmyleisure.

“Five,”saidHenry.

“Seven,”saidI;“andifItakethreebisquesit’smyhole.”

“Youmustonlytakeoneatatime,”protestedHenry.

“Why?There’snothinginWisdenorBaedekeraboutit.Besides,Iwillonlytakeoneatatimeifitmakesiteasierforyou.Itakeoneandthatbringsmedowntosix,andthenanotheroneandthatbringsmedowntofive,andthenanotheroneandthatbringsmedowntofour.There!Andasyoudidtheholeinfive,Iwin.”

“Well,ofcourse,ifyouliketowastethemallatthestart—”

“Well,ofcourse,ifyouliketowastethemallatthestart—”

“I’mnotwastingthem,I’mcreatingamoraleffect.Behold,Ihavewonthefirsthole;letusbephotographedtogether.”

Henrywenttothenextteeslightlyruffledandtoppedhisballintotheroad.Ihadkeptminewellthissideofitandwoninfourtofive.

“Ishan’ttakeanybisqueshere,”Isaid.“Twoup.”

Atthethirdteemy“QuoVadis”dartedoffsuddenlytotheleftandtriedtoclimbthehill.Iheadeditoffandgaveitanastydentfrombehindwhenitwasn’tlooking,andwithmynextshotstarteditrollingdownthemountainswithever-increasingvelocity.Notuntilitwaswithinafootofthepindiditcondescendtostop.Henry,whohadreachedthegreenwithhisdriveandhadtakenoneputttoomany,halvedtheholeinfour.Itookabisqueandwasthreeup.

Thefourthholewasprettilyplayedbybothofus,andwithtwobisquesIhaditabsolutelystiff.UnnervedbythisHenrywentalloutatthefifthandtriedtocarrythestreamintwo.Unfortunately(Imeanunfortunatelyforhim)thestreamwassixinchestoobroadintheparticularplaceatwhichhetriedtocarryit.Myownviewisthatheshouldeitherhavechosenanotherplaceorelsehavegotanarrowerstreamfromsomewhere.AsitwasIwoninanuneventfulsix,andtookwithabisquetheshortholewhichfollowed.

“Sixup,”IpointedouttoHenry,“andthreebisquesleft.They’rejollylittlethings,bisques,butyouwanttousethemquickly.Bisquedatquicitodat.Doesn’tthesealookrippingto-day?”

“Goon,”growledHenry.

“Ioncedidatwoatthishole,”IsaidasIteedmyball.“IfIdidatwonowandtookabisque,you’dhavetodoitinnothinginordertowin.Asolemnthought.”

Atthisholeyouhavetodriveoverachasminthecliffs.Myballmadeabeelineforthebeach,bouncedonarock,anddisappearedintoacave.Henry’s“PinkSpot,”whichreallyseemedtohaveachanceofwinningaholeatlast,foundthewindtoomuchforitandfollowedmebelow.

“I’minthiscave,”IsaidwhenwehadfoundHenry’sball;andwithalightedmatchinonehandandaniblickintheotherIwentinandtriedtopersuadethe“Ostrich”tocomeout.Myeighthargumentwastoomuchforit,andwe

“Ostrich”tocomeout.Myeighthargumentwastoomuchforit,andwereappearedinthedaylighttogether.

“Howmany?”IaskedHenry.

“Six,”hesaid,ashehitthetopofthecliffoncemore,andshotbackontothebeach.

Ilefthimandchiviedmyballroundtowherethecliffsarelowest;thenIgotitgraduallyontoalittlemoundofsand(verydelicateworkthis),tookaterrificswingandfairlyheaveditontothegrass.Twomorestrokesputmeontothegreenintwenty.IlitapipeandwaitedforHenrytofinishhisgameofrackets.

“I’veplayedtwenty-five,”heshouted.

“Thenyou’llwantsomeofmybisques,”Isaid.“IcanlendyouthreetillMonday.”

Henryhadonemorerallyandthenpickedhisballup.IhadwonsevenholesandIhadthreebisqueswithwhichtowinthematch.IwasalittledoubtfulifIcoulddothis,butHenrysettledthequestionbymisjudgingyetagainthebreadthofthestream.Whatisexperienceifitteachesusnothing?Henrymustreallytrytoenlargehismindaboutrivers.

“Dormynine,”Isaidatthetenthtee,“andnobisquesleft.”

“ThankHeavenforthat,”sighedHenry.

“ButIhaveonlytohalveoneholeoutofnine,”Ipointedout.“TechnicallyIamonwhatisknownasvelvet.”

“Oh,shutupanddrive.”

Iamabadgolfer,butevenbadgolfersdoholesinbogeynowandthen.IntheordinarywayIwasprettycertaintohalveoneofthenineholeswithHenry,andsowinthematch.Boththeeleventhandtheseventeenth,forinstance,arefavouritesofmine.HadIhalvedoneofthose,hewouldhaveadmittedcheerfullythatIhadplayedgoodgolfandbeatenhimfairly.Butasthingshappened—

Whathappened,putquitebriefly,wasthis.Bogeyforthetenthisfour.Ihookedmydriveofftheteeanddownalittlegullytotheleft,putagoodironshotintoa

mydriveofftheteeanddownalittlegullytotheleft,putagoodironshotintoabunkerontheright,andthanrandownahundred-yardputtwithaniblickforathree.Oneofthosedifficultdown-hillputts.

“Luck!”saidHenry,assoonashecouldspeak.

“I’vebeenmissingthoselately,”Isaid.

“Yourmatch,”saidHenry;“Ican’tplayagainstlucklikethat.”

Itwastruethathehadgivenmetenbisques,but,ontheotherhand,Icouldhavegivenhimadozenattheseventhandstillhavebeatenhim.

However,Iwastoomagnanimoustopointthatout.AllIsaidwas,“Tenandeight.”

AndthenIaddedthoughtfully,“Idon’tthinkI’veeverwonbymorethanthat.”

PATBALL

“You’llplaytennis?”saidmyhostessabsently.“That’sright.LetmeintroduceyoutoMiss—er—urn.”

“Oh,we’vemetbefore,”smiledMiss—I’veforgottenthenameagainnow.

“Thankyou,”Isaidgratefully.Ithoughtitwasextremelyniceofhertorememberme.ProbablyIhadspiltlemonadeoverheratadance,andinsomewaytheincidenthadfixeditselfinhermind.Wedotheselittlethings,youknow,andthinknothingofthematthemoment,butallthetime—

“Smooth,”saidavoice.

Ilookedupandfoundthatapairofopponentshadmysteriouslyappeared,andthatmypartnerwasleadingthewayontothecourt.

“I’lltaketheright-handside,ifyoudon’tmind,”sheannounced.“Oh,andwhataboutapologizing?”shewenton.“Shallwedoitaftereverystroke,orattheendofeachgame,orwhenwesaygood-bye,ornever?Igetsotiredofsaying‘sorry.’”

“Oh,butweshan’twanttoapologize;I’msurewe’regoingtogetonbeautifullytogether.”

“Isupposeyou’veplayedalotthissummer?”

“No,notatallyet,butI’mfeelingratherstrong,andI’vegotanewracket.Onewayandanother,Iexpecttoplayaverypowerfulgame.”

Ourmaleopponentserved.HehadwhatIshouldcallanastyswiftservice.Thefirstballroseverysuddenlyandtookmypartneronthesideofthehead.(“Sorry,”sheapologized.“It’sallright,”Isaidmagnanimously.)Ireturnedthenextintothenet;thethirdcleanbowledmypartner;andoffthelastIwascaughtintheslips.(ONE,LOVE.)

“Willyouserve?”saidMiss—IwishIcouldrememberhersurname.HerChristiannamewasHopeorCharityorsomethinglikethat;Iknow,whenI

ChristiannamewasHopeorCharityorsomethinglikethat;Iknow,whenIheardit,Ithoughtitwasjustaswell.IfImightcallherMissHopeforthisonce?Thankyou.

“Willyouserve?”saidMissHope.

Intheright-handcourtIusetheAmericanservice,whichmeansthatIneverknowtillthelastmomentwhichsideoftheracketisgoingtohittheball.Onthisoccasionitwasadeadheat—thatistosay,Igotitinbetweenwiththewood;andtheballsailedawayoverbedsandbedsofthemostbeautifulflowers.

“Oh,isTHATtheAmericanservice?”saidMissHope,muchinterested.

“SouthAmerican,”Iexplained.“DowninPerutheyneveruseanythingelse.”

Intheleft-handcourtIemploytheordinaryHampsteadSmashintothebottomofthenet.AfterfourHampsteadSmashesandfourPeruvianTeasers(LOVE,TWO)Ifeltthatanotherexplanationwascalledfor.

“I’vegotanewracketI’veneverusedbefore,”Isaid.“Myoldoneisbeingpressed;itwenttotheshopyesterdaytohavethecreasestakenout.Don’tyoufindthatwithanewracketyou—er—exactly.”

Inthethirdgamewenotonlygottheballoverbutkeptitbetweenthewhitelinesonseveraloccasions—thoughnotsooftenasouropponents(THREE,LOVE);andinthefourthgameMissHopeservedgentlelobs,whileI,atherrequest,stoodcloseuptothenetanddefendedmyselfwithmyracket.Iwardedoffthefirsttwoshotsamidstapplause(THIRTY,LOVE),anddodgedthenextthree(THIRTY,FORTY),butthelastonewastooquickformeandwonthecoco-nutwithsomeease.(GAME.LOVE,FOUR.)

“It’sallright,thanks,”Isaidtomypartner;“itreallydoesn’thurtabit.Nowthen,let’sbuckupandplayasimplydashinggame.”

MissHopeexcelledherselfinthatfifthgame,butIwasstillunabletofindalength.Tobemoreaccurate,Iwasunabletofindashortness—mylonggamewasadmirablystrongandlofty.

“Areyoumusical?”saidmypartnerattheendofit.(FIVE,LOVE.)Shehadbeenverytalkativeallthrough.

“Come,come,”Isaidimpatiently,“youdon’twantasongatthisverymoment.Surelyyoucanwaittilltheendoftheset?”

“Oh,Iwasonlyjustwondering.”

“Iquiteseeyourpoint.YoufeelthatNaturealwayscompensatesusinsomeway,andthatas—”

“Oh,no!”saidMissHopeingreatconfusion.“Ididn’tmeanthatatall.”

Shemusthavemeantit.Youdon’ttalktopeopleaboutsinginginthemiddleofagameoftennis;certainlynottocomparativestrangerswhohaveonlyspiltlemonadeoveryourfrockoncebefore.No,no.Itwasaninsult,anditnervedmetoagreateffort.Idiscarded—foritwasmyserve—theHampsteadSmash;IdiscardedthePeruvianTeaser.Instead,IservedtwoPiccadillyBendersfromtheright-handcourtandtwoWestminsterWeltsfromtheleft-hand.ThePiccadillyBenderismyowninvention.Itcanonlybeservedfromtheonecourt,anditmusthaveawindagainstit.Youdeliveritwithyourbacktothenet,whichmakesthestrikerthinkthatyouhaveeitherforgottenallaboutthegame,orelseareapologizingtothespectatorsforyourpreviousexhibition.Thenwithaviolentcontortionyouslueyourbodyroundandserve,whereuponyouropponentperceivesthatyouAREplaying,andthatitisjustonemoreordinaryfaultintothewrongcourt.Soshecalls“Fault!”inacontemptuoustoneanddropsherracket…andthenaddshurriedly,“Oh,no,sorry,itwasn’tafault,afterall.”Thatbeingwherethewindcomesin.

TheWestminsterWeltisintheorythesameastheHampsteadSmash,butgoesoverthenet.Onemustbeinverygoodform(orhavebeenrecentlyinsulted)tobringthisoff.

Well,wewonthatgame,abreezehavingjustsprungup;and,carriedawaybyenthusiasmandmutualadmiration,wecollectedanother.(FIVE,TWO.)ThenitwasMissHope’sserveagain.

“Good-bye,”Isaid;“Isupposeyouwantmeinthefore-frontagain?”

“Please.”

“Idon’tmindHERshots—thebottleofscentisabsolutelysafe;butI’mafraidhe’llwinanotherpacketofwoodbines.”

MissHopestartedoffwithadouble,whichwasratherapity,andthengaveourmasculineadversarywhatistechnicallycalled“onetokill.”IsawinstinctivelythatIwastheone,andIheldmyracketreadywithbothhands.Ouropponent,whohadbeenwantinghisteaforthelasttwogames,wasinnomoodofdalliance;hefairlylethimselfgooverthisshot.InamomentIwasdownonmykneesbehindthenet…andthenextmomentIsawthroughthemeshesaverystrangething.Theotherman,withhisracketontheground,washoldinghiseyewithbothhands!

“Don’tyouthink,”saidMissHope(TWO,FIVE—ABANDONED),“thatyouroverheadvolleyingisjustalittlesevere?”

THEOPENINGSEASON

“Mydear,”saidJeremy,ashefoldedbackhispaperatthesportingpage,“Ihavesomenewsforyou.Cricketisuponusonceagain.”

“There’sanastycolduponBabyonceagain,”saidMrsJeremy.“Ihopeitdoesn’tmeanmeasles.”

“Nochildofminewouldeverhavemeasles,”saidJeremyconfidently.“It’sbeneathus.”Heclearedhisthroatandread,“‘Thecomingseasonwillberenderedevermemorablebythefactthatforthefirsttimeinthehistoryofthegame—’You’llneverguesswhat’scoming.”

“MrJeremySmithisexpectedtomakedoublefigures.”

Jeremysatupindignantly.

“Wellofallthewifelythingstosay!Whowastopofouraverageslastyear?”

“Plummer.Becauseyoupresentedthebattohimyourself.”

“Thatprovesnothing.Igavemyselfabattoo,asithappens;andabetteronethanPlummer’s.Afterall,hisaveragewasonly25.Mine,iftheweatherhadallowedmetofinishmysolitaryinnings,wouldprobablyhavebeen26.”

“Asitwas,theweatheronlyallowedyoutogiveachancetothewicket-keeperofftheoneballyouhad.”

“Iwasgettingthepaceofthepitch,”saidJeremy.“Besides,itwasn’treallyachance,becauseourumpirewouldneverhavegiventhetreasureroutfirstball.Therearecertainlittlecourtesieswhichareboundtobeobserved.”

“Then,”saidhiswife,“it’sapityyoudon’tplaymoreoften.”

Jeremygotupandmadeafewstrokeswiththepoker.

“Oneofusisratherstiff,”hesaid.“Perhapsit’sthepoker.IfIplayregularlythisseasonwillyoupromisetobringBabytowatchme?”

seasonwillyoupromisetobringBabytowatchme?”

“Ofcourseweshallbothcome.”

“Andyouwon’tletBabyjeeratmeifI’mbowledbyashooter.”

“Shewon’tknowwhatashooteris.”

“Thenyoucantellherthatit’stheonlyballthateverbowlsfather,”saidJeremy.Heputdownthepokerandtookupaballofwool.“Ishallprobablyfieldsomewherebehindthewicket-keeper,wherethehottestdrivesdon’tcome;butifIshouldmissacatchyoumustpointouttoherthatthesunwasinfather’seyes.Iwantmychildtounderstandthegameassoonaspossible.”

“I’lltellherallthatsheoughttoknow,”saidhiswife.“Andwhenyou’vefinishedplayingwithmywoolI’vegotsomethingtodowithit.”

Jeremygavehimselfanothercatch,threwthewooltohiswifeanddriftedout.Hecamebackintenminuteswithhisbatunderhisarm.

“Really,ithaswinteredratherwell,”hesaid,“consideringthatithasbeeninthebootcupboardallthetime.Weoughttohaveputsomecamphorinwithit,or—Iknowthere’sSOMETHINGyoudotobatsinthewinter.Anyhow,thespliceisstillthere.”

“Itlooksveryold,”saidMrsJeremy.“Isthatreallyyournewone?”

“Yes,thisistheonethatplayedthehistoricinnings.Ithasonlyhadoneballinitswholelife,andthatwasontheedge.ThepartofthebatthatIproposetousethisseasonwillthereforecomeentirelyfreshtothebusiness.”

“Yououghttohaveoiledit,Jeremy.”

“Oil—thatwaswhatImeant.I’lldoitnow.We’llgiveitagoodrubdown.Iwonderifthere’sanythingelseitwouldlike?”

“Ithink,mostofall,itwouldlikealittlepractice.”

“Mydear,that’strue.ItsaidinthepaperthatontheCountygroundspracticewasalreadyinfullswing.”Hemadeanimaginarydrive.“Idon’tthinkIshalltakeaFULLswing.It’ssomuchhardertotimetheball.Isay,doYOUbowl?”

“Verybadly,Jeremy.”

“Theworseyoubowlthemorepracticethebatwillget.OrwhataboutBaby?Couldshebowltomethisafternoon,doyouthink,orishercoldtoobad?”

“Ithinkshe’dbetterstayinto-day.”

“Whatapity.Nursetellsmeshe’sleft-handed,andIparticularlywantalotofthat;becauseLittleBuxtedhasaveryhotleft-handbowlercalled—”

“Youdon’twantyourdaughtertobeanathleticgirl,doyou?”

Jeremylookedatherinsurpriseandthensatdownonthearmofherchair.

“Surely,dear,”hesaidgravely,“wedecidedthatourchildwasgoingtoplayforKent?”

“Notagirl!”

“Whynot?There’snothingintherulesaboutit.Rule197(B)saysthatyouneedn’tplayifyoudon’tliketheManager,butthere’snothingaboutsexinit.I’msureBabywouldlovetheManager.”

MrsJeremysmiledandruffledhishair.

“Well,”saidJeremy,“ifnobodywillbowltome,Icanatleasttakemybatoutandletitseethegrass.Aftersixmonthsofbootsitwillbeachangeforit.”

Hewentoutintothegarden,anddidnotappearagainuntillunch.Duringthemealhereadextractstohiswifefrom“TheComingSeason’sProspects,”andspokecheerfullyoftherunsheintendedtomakeforthevillage.Afterlunchhetookherontothetennislawn.

“There!”hesaidproudly,pointingtoacricketpitchbeautifullycutandmarkedwithacreaseofdazzlingwhite.“Doesn’tthatlookjolly?”

“Heavenly,”shesaid.“Youmustasksomeoneupto-morrow.Youcangetquitegoodpracticeherewiththesedeepbanksallround.”

“Yes,Ishallmakealotofrunsthisseason,”saidJeremyairily.“But,apartfrompractice,don’tyouFEELhowjollyandsummeryacricketpitchmakes

practice,don’tyouFEELhowjollyandsummeryacricketpitchmakeseverything?”

MrsJeremytookadeepbreath.“Yes,there’snothinglikeabucketofwhiteningtomakeyouthinkofsummer.”

“I’mgladyouthinksotoo,”saidJeremywithanairofrelief,“becauseIupsetthebucketonthewaybacktothestables—justunderneaththepergola.Itoughttobringtherosesonlikeanything.”

ANINLANDVOYAGE

ThomastookadayofflastMondayinordertoplaygolfwithme.ForthatdaytheAdmiraltyhadtogetalongwithoutThomas.ItrembletothinkwhatwouldhavehappenedifwarhadbrokenoutonMonday.CouldaThomaslessAdmiraltyhavecopedwithit?Itrownot.Evenasitwas,battleshipsgrounded,crewsmutinied,andseveralawkwardquestionsintheHouseofCommonshadtobepostponedtillTuesday.

Something—somepremonitionofthis,nodoubt—seemedtobeweighingonhimallday.

“Rottenweather,”hegrowled,ashecameupthestepsoftheclub.

“I’mverysorry,”Isaid.“Ikeeponcomplainingtothesecretaryaboutit.Hedoeshisbest.”

“What’sthat?”

“Hetapsthebarometereverymorning,andsaysitwillclearupintheafternoon.Shallwegooutnow,orshallwegiveitachancetostop?”

Thomaslookedattherainanddecidedtoletitstop.ImadehimascomfortableasIcould.Igavehimadrink,acigarette,andMistakeswiththeMashie.OnthetableathiselbowIhadinreserveFaultyPlaywiththeBrassyandaWestMiddlesexDirectory.FormyselfIwanderedaboutrestlessly,pausingnowandagaintoreadenviouslyanoticewhichsaidthatC.D.Topping’shandicapwasreducedfrom24to22.Luckyman!

Atabouthalf-pasteleventherainstoppedforamoment,andwehurriedout.

“Thecourseisalittlewet,”Isaidapologetically,aswestoodonthefirsttee,“butwithyournavalexperienceyouwon’tmindthat.Bytheway,Ioughttowarnyouthatthisisn’tallcasualwater.Someofitisriver.”

“Howdoyouknowwhichiswhich?”

“You’llsoonfindout.Theriverismuchdeeper.Goon—yourdrive.”

“You’llsoonfindout.Theriverismuchdeeper.Goon—yourdrive.”

Thomaswonthefirstholeveryeasily.Webothtookfourtothegreen,ThomasinadditionhavingfivesplashesofmudonhisfacewhileIonlyhadthree.Unfortunatelytheimmediateneighbourhoodoftheholewasunderwater.Thomas,thebounder,hadasmallheavyball,whichhemanagedtosinkinnine.Myown,beinglighter,refusedtogointothetinatall,andfloatedabovetheholeinthemostexasperatingway.

“Iexpectthere’saruleaboutit,”Isaid,“ifweonlyknew,whichgivesmethematch.However,untilwefindthatout,Isupposeyoumustcallyourselfoneup.”

“Ishallwantsomedrysocksforlunch,”hemuttered,ashesploshedofftothetee.

“Anythingyouwantforlunchyoucanhave,mydearThomas.Ipromiseyouthatyoushallnotbestinted.Thenextgreenisbelowsea-levelaltogether,I’mafraid.Thefirstinthewaterwins.”

Honours,itturnedout,weredivided.Ilostthehole,andThomaslosthisball.Thethirdteehavingdisappeared,wemovedontothefourth.

“There’sratheranastyplacealonghere,”Isaid.

“TheSecretarywassuckedintheotherday,andonlyrescuedbythehair.”

Thomasdroveagoodone.Itoppedminebadly,anditsettleddowninthemudfiftyyardsoff.“Excuseme,”IshoutedasIranquicklyafterit,andIgotmyniblickontoitjustasitwasdisappearing.Itwasaveryclosething.

“Well,”saidThomas,ashereachedhisball,“that’snotwhatIcallabrassylie.”

“It’swhatwecallacorkscrewliedownhere,”Iexplained.“Ifyouhaven’tgotacorkscrew,you’dbetterdigrounditwithsomething,andthenwhenthepositionisthoroughlyundermined—Oh,goodshot!”

Thomashadgotoutofthefairwayinone,buthestillseemedunhappy.

“Myeye,”hesaid,bendingdowninagony;“I’vegotabouthalfMiddlesexinit.”

it.”

Hewalkedroundincirclessayingstrangenauticalthings,andmysuggestionsthatheshould(1)rubtheothereye,and(2)blowhisnosesuddenly,werereceivedungenerously.

“Anythingyou’dlikemetodowithmyears?”heaskedbitterly.“Ifyou’dcomeandtakesomemudoutforme,insteadoftalkingrot—”

Iapproachedwithmyhandkerchiefandexaminedtheeyecarefully.

“Seeanything?”askedThomas.

“MydearThomas,it’sFULLofturf.Wemustn’tforgettoreplacethisifwecangetitout.WhattheSecretarywouldsay—There!How’sthat?”

“Worsethanever.”

“Trynottothinkaboutit.KeeptheOTHEReyeontheballasmuchaspossible.Thisismyholebytheway.Yourballislost.”

“Howdoyouknow?”

“Isawitlosingitself.ItwentintothebadplaceItoldyouabout.It’sgonetojointheSecretary.Oh,no,wegothimout,ofcourse;Ikeepforgetting.Anyhow,it’smyhole.”

“IthinkIshallturnmytrousersupagain,”saidThomas,bendingdowntodoso.“Istherealocalruleaboutit?”

“No;itisleftentirelytothediscretionandgoodtasteofthemembers.Naturallyalittleextralicenceisallowedonaverymuddyday.Ofcourse,if—Oh,Isee.Youmeantalocalruleaboutlosingyourballinthemud?No,Idon’tknowofone—unlessitcomesundertheheadingofcasualland.Beasportsman,Thomas,anddon’tbegrudgemethehole.”

Thegameproceeded,andwereachedthetwelfthteewithoutanyfurthercontretemps;savethatIaccidentallylostthesixth,ninthandtenthholes,andthatThomaslosthisironattheeighth.Hehadcarelesslylaiditdownforamomentwhilehegotoutofaholewithhisniblick,andwhenheturnedroundforitthethingwasgone.

Atthetwelfthteeitwasrainingharderthanever.Wepoundedalongwithourcoat-collarsupandreachedthegreenabsolutelywetthrough.

“Howaboutit?”saidThomas.

“Myhole,Ithink;andthatmakesusallsquare.”

“Imeanhowabouttherain?Andit’sjustoneo’clock.”

“Justasyoulike.Well,Isupposeitisratherwet.Allright,let’shavelunch.”

Wehadlunch.Thomashaditintheonlydrythingshehadbroughtwithhim—anulsterandapairofVardoncuffs,andsatasnearthefireaspossible.Itwasstillrainingintorrentsafterlunch,andThomas,whoisnotwhatIcallkeenaboutgolf,preferredtoremainbeforethefire.Perhapshewasright.IrakedupanoldcopyofStrumerswiththeNiblickforhim,andreadbitsoftheTelephoneDirectoryoutaloud.

Afterteahisproperclothesweredryenoughinplacestoputon,andasitwasstillraininghard,andheseemeddisinclinedtocomeoutagain,Iorderedacabforusboth.

“It’sreallyrottenluck,”saidThomas,aswepreparedtoleave,“thatontheonedaywhenItakeaholiday,itshouldbesobeastly.”

“Beastly,Thomas?”Isaidinamazement.“TheONEday?I’mafraidyoudon’tplayinlandgolfmuch?”

“IhardlyeverplayroundLondon.”

“Ithoughtnot.Thenletmetellyouthatto-day’swasthebestday’sgolfI’vehadforthreeweeks.”

“Golly!”saidThomas.

ANINFORMALEVENING

DINNERwasaveryquietaffair.NotasouldrewmychairawayfromundermeasIsatdown,andduringthemealnobodythrewbreadabout.Wetalkedgentlyofartandpoliticsandthings;andwhentheladieslefttherewasnoboobytrapwaitingforthematthedoor.Inaword,nothingtopreparemeforwhatwastofollow.

Westrolledleisurelyintothedrawing-room.Aglancetoldmetheworst.TheladieswereinaclusterroundMissPower,andMissPowerwasonthefloor.Shegotupquicklyaswecamein.

“Weweretryingtogounderneaththepoker,”sheexplained.“Canyoudoit?”

Iwavedthepokerback.

“Letmeseeyoudoitagain,”Isaid.“Imissedthefirstpart.”

“Oh,Icanneverdoit.Bob,youshowus.”

Bobisanactiveyoungfellow.Hetookthepoker,restedtheendonthefloor,andthentwistedhimselfunderneathhisrightarm.Iexpectedtoseehimcomeupinsideout,buthelookedmuchthesameafterit.However,nodoubthisorgansareallonthewrongsidenow.

“Yes,that’showIshoulddoit,”Isaidhastily.

ButMissPowerwasfirm.Shegavemethepoker.Ipressedithardonthefloor,saidgood-byetothemall,anddived.Igothalf-wayround,andwassupportingmyselfupsidedownbyonetoeandtheslipperyendofthepoker,whenitsuddenlyoccurredtomethattheearthwasrevolvingatanincrediblespeedonitsownaxis,andthat,inaddition,wewerehurtlingatthousandsofmilesaminuteroundthesun.ItseemedimpossibleinthesecircumstancesthatIshouldkeepmybalanceanylonger;andassoonasIrealizedthis,thepokerbegantoslip.Iwasinnosortofpositiontodoanythingaboutit,andwecamedownheavilytogether.

“Oh,whatapity!”saidMissPower.“Iquitethoughtyou’ddoneit.”

“Beingactuallyonthespot,”Isaid,“IknewthatIhadn’t.”

“Dotryagain.”

“Nottilltheground’salittlesofter.”

“Let’sdothejam-pottrick,”saidanothergirl.

“I’mnotgoingunderajam-potforanybody,”Imurmured.

However,itturnedoutthatthistrickwasquitedifferent.Youplaceabook(Macaulay’sEssaysorwhatnot)onthejam-potandsitonthebook,oneheelonlytouchingtheground.Intherighthandyouhaveaboxofmatches,intheleftacandle.Thejam-pot,ofcourse,isonitsside,sothatitcanrollbeneathyou.Thenyoulightthecandle…andhandittoanybodywhowantstogotobed.

Iwasreadytogivewaytotheladieshere,butevenwhileIwasbowingandsaying,“Notatall,”Ifoundmyselfononeofthejam-potswithBobnexttomeonanother.Tobalancewiththearmsoutstretchedwasnotsodifficult;butasthematcheswerethenaboutsixfeetfromthecandleandthereseemednowayofgettingthemnearertogetherthesolutionoftheproblemwasasremoteasever.ThreetimesIbroughtmyhandstogether,andthreetimesthejam-potleftme.

“Wellplayed,Bob,”saidsomebody.Thebounderhaddoneit.

Ilookedathisjam-pot.

“Thereyouare,”Isaid,“‘Raspberry—1909.’Mine’s‘Gooseberry-1911,’arottenvintage.Andlookatmybook,AloneonthePrairie;andyou’vegotTheMormon’sWedding.NowonderIcouldn’tdoit.”

IrefusedtotryitagainasIdidn’tthinkIwasbeingtreatedfairly;andafterBobandMissPowerhadhadaraceatit,whichBobwon,wegotontosomethingelse.

“Ofcourseyoucanpickapinoutofachairwithyourteeth?”saidMissPower.

“Notproperly,”Isaid.“Ialwaysswallowthepin.”

“Isupposeitdoesn’tcountifyouswallowthepin,”saidMissPowerthoughtfully.

thoughtfully.

“Idon’tknow.I’veneverreallythoughtaboutthatsideofitmuch.Anyhow,unlessyou’vegotawholelotofpinsyoudon’twant,don’taskmetodoitto-night.”

Accordinglywepassedontothewater-trick.Irefusedatthis,butMissPowerwentfulllengthonthefloorwithaglassofwaterbalancedonherforeheadandcameupagainwithoutspillingasingledrop.Personally,Ishouldn’thavemindedspillingasingledrop;itwasthethoughtofspillingthewholeglassthatkeptmeback.Anyway,itisauselesstrick,theneedforwhichneverarisesinanordinarycareer.PickingupTheTimeswiththeteeth,whileclaspingtheleftanklewiththerighthand,isanothermatter.Thatmightcomeinusefulonoccasions;as,forinstance,ifhavinglostyourleftarmonthefieldandhavingtostaunchwiththerighthandtheflowofbloodfromabulletwoundintheoppositeankle,youdesiredtoglancethroughtheFinancialSupplementwhilewaitingfortheambulance.

“Here’sanicelittletrick,”brokeinBob,asIwaspreparingmyselfinthiswayfortheGermaninvasion.

Hehadputtwochairstogether,fronttofront,andwasstandingoverthem—afootontheflooroneachsideofthem,ifthatconveysittoyou.Thenhejumpedup,turnedroundintheair,andcamedownfacingtheotherway.

“CanYOUdoit?”IsaidtoMissPower.

“Comeandtry,”saidBobtome.“It’snotreallydifficult.”

Iwentandstoodoverthechairs.ThenImovedthemapartandwalkedovertomyhostess.

“Good-bye,”Isaid;“I’mafraidImustgonow.”

“Coward!”saidsomebody,whoknewmeratherbetterthantheothers.

“It’smucheasierthanyouthink,”saidBob.

“Idon’tthinkit’seasyatall,”Iprotested.“Ithinkit’simpossible.”

Iwentbackandstoodoverthechairsagain.ForsometimeIwaitedthereindeepthought.ThenIbentmykneespreparatorytothespring,straightenedthem

deepthought.ThenIbentmykneespreparatorytothespring,straightenedthemup,andsaid:

“Whathappensifyoujustmissit?”

“Isupposeyoubarkyourshinsabit.”

“Yes,that’swhatIthought.”

Ibentmykneesagain,workedmyarmsupanddown,andthenstoppedsuddenlyandsaid:

“Whathappensifyoumissitprettyeasily?”

“Oh,YOUcandoit,ifBobcan,”saidMissPowerkindly.

“He’spractised.Iexpecthestartedwithtwohassocksandworkeduptothis.I’mnotafraidbutIwanttoknowthepossibilities.Ifit’sonlyabrokenlegortwo,Idon’tmind.Ifit’spermanentdisfigurementIthinkIoughttoconsultmyfamilyfirst.”

Ijumpedupandcamedownagainthesamewayforpractice.

“Verywell,”Isaid.“NowI’mgoingtotry.Ihaven’tthefaintesthopeofdoingit,butyouallseemtowanttoseeanaccident,and,anyhow,I’mnotgoingtobecalledacoward.One,two,three…”

“Welldone,”criedeverybody.

“DidIdoit?”Iwhispered,asIsatonthefloorandpressedacushionagainstmyshins.

“Rather!”

“Then,”Isaid,massagingmyankles,“nexttimeIshalltrytomiss.”

THECONTINENTALMANNER

OFcourseIshouldrecognizeSimpsonanywhere,evenatamaskedball.Besides,whobutSimpsonwouldgotoafancy-dressdanceasashort-sightedexecutioner,andwearhisspectaclesoutsidehismask?Butitwasasurprisetometoseehimthereatall.

“Samuel,”Isaidgravely,tappinghimontheshoulder,“Ishallhavetowritehomeaboutthis.”

Heturnedroundwithastart.

“Hallo!”hesaideagerly.“Howsplendid!But,mydearoldchap,whyaren’tyouincostume?”

“Iam,”Iexplained.“I’vecomeasanarchitect.Luckilytheeveningclothesofanarchitectaresimilartomyown.Excuseme,sir,butdoyouwantahousebuilt?”

“Howdoyoulikemydress?Iamanexecutioner.Ileftmyaxeinthecloak-room.”

“SoIobserve.Youknow,inreallife,onehardlyevermeetsanexecutionerwhowearsspectacles.Andyet,ofcourse,ifoneCAN’Tseetheheadproperlywithoutglasses—”

“ByJove,”saidSimpson,“theresheisagain.”

Columbineinamaskhurriedpastusandmixedwiththecrowd.Whatonecouldseeofherfacelookedpretty;itseemedtohaveupsetSimpsonaltogether.

“Askherforadance,”Isuggested.“Beagaydog,Simpson.WakeLondonup.Atamaskedballoneisallowedacertainamountoflicence.”

“Exactly,”saidSimpsoninsomeexcitement.“OnenaturallylooksforalittleContinentalABANDONatthesedances.”(PORTRAITOFSIMPSONSHOWINGCONTINENTALabandon.)“AndsoIdidaskherforadancejustnow.”

“Shewascold,Samuel,Ifear?”

“Shesaid,‘Sorry,I’mfullup.’”

“Aruse,ameresubterfuge.Now,lookhere,askheragain,andbemoredebonairanddashingthistime.Whatyouwantistoendueherwiththespiritofrevelry.Perhapsyou’dbettergotothebarfirstandhaveadryginger-ale,andthenyou’llfeelmoreintheContinentalmood.”

“ByJove,Iwill,”saidSimpson,withgreatdecision.

Iwanderedintotheball-roomandlookedround.Columbinewasstandinginacorneralone;someoutsiderhadcutherdance.AsIlookedatherIthoughtofSimpsonlettinghimselfgo,andsmiledtomyself.Shecaughttheedgeofthesmileandunconsciouslysmiledback.RememberingthegoodadvicewhichIhadjustgivenanother,Idecidedtoriskit.

“Doyoueverdancewitharchitects?”Iaskedher.

“Idosometimes.”shesaid.“NotinLent,”sheadded.

“InLent,”Iagreed,“onehastogiveupthemorefuriouspleasures.Shallwejustfinishoffthisdance?Anddon’tlet’stalkshopaboutarchitecture.”

Wefinishedthedanceandretiredtothestairs.

“Iwantyoutodosomethingforme,”Ibegancautiously.

“Anythingexceptgointosupperagain.I’vejustdonethatforsomebodyelse.”

“No,it’snotthat.Thefactis,IhaveagreatfriendcalledSimpson.”

“Itsoundsacaseforhelp,”shemurmured.

“Heishereto-nightdisguisedasanexecutioneringlasses.Heis,infact,theonlyspectacledbeheaderpresent.Youcan’tmisshim.”

“Allthesame,Imanagedtojustnow,”shegurgled.

“Iknow.Heaskedyouforadanceandyourebuffedhim.Well,heisnowfortifyinghimselfwithasmalldryginger,andhewillthenaskyouagain.Dobekindthistime;he’sreallyadelightfulpersonwhenyougettoknowhim.Forinstance,bothhiswhiskersarefalse.”

instance,bothhiswhiskersarefalse.”

“NodoubtIshouldgrowtolovehim,”sheagreed;“butIdidn’tmuchlikehisoutwardappearance.However,ifbothwhiskersarefalse,andifhe’sreallyafriendofyours—”

“Heisnaturallyasharmlessasalamb,”Isaid;“butatadancelikethisheconsidersithisdutytothrowalittleContinentalABANDONintohismanner.”

Columbinelookedatmethoughtfully,noddingherhead,andslowlybegantosmile.

“Yousee,”Isaid,“thepossibilities.”

“Heshallhavehisdance,”shesaiddecidedly.

“Thankyouverymuch.Ishouldliketoaskforanotherdanceformyselflateron,butIamafraidIshouldtrytogetoutofyouwhathesaid,andthatwouldn’tbefair.”

“OfcourseIshouldn’ttellyou.”

“Well,anyhow,you’llhavehadenoughofusbythen.Butsoftly—heapproaches,andImustneedsfly,lestheshouldpiercemydisguise.Good-bye,andthankyousomuch.”

…….

SoIcan’tsaywithauthoritywhathappenedbetweenSimpsonandColumbinewhentheymet.ButSimpsonandIhadacigarettetogetherafterwardsandcertainthingscameout;enoughtomakeitplainthatshemusthaveenjoyedherself.

“Oh,Isay,oldchap,”hebeganjauntily,“doyouknow—match,thanks—er—whereaboutsisFinsburyCircus?”

“You’retoooldtogotoacircusnow,Simpson.ComeandhaveadayatthePolytechnicinstead.”

Polytechnicinstead.”

“Don’tbeanass;it’saplacelikeOxfordCircus.Isupposeit’sintheCitysomewhere?Iwonder,”hemurmuredtohimself,“whatshewouldbedoingintheCityateleveno’clockinthemorning.”

“Perhapsherrichuncleisinabank,andshewantstoshoothim.Iwishyou’dtellmewhatyou’retalkingabout.”

Simpsontookoffhismaskandspectaclesandwipedhisbrow.

“Dearoldchap,”hesaidinasolemnvoice,“inthecaseofawomanonecannottellevenone’sbestfriend.Youknowhowitis.”

“Well,ifthere’sgoingtobeaduelyoushouldhavechosensomequieterspotthanFinsburyCircus.Themotor-busesdistractone’saim.”

Simpsonwassilentforaminuteortwo.Thenafoolishsmileflittedacrosshisface,tobefollowedsuddenlybyalookofalarm.

“Don’tdoanythingthatyourmotherwouldn’tlike,”Isaidwarningly.

Hefrownedandputonhismaskagain.

“Arechrysanthemumsinseason?”heaskedcasually.“Anyhow,IsupposeIcouldalwaysgetayellowone?”

“Youcould,Simpson.Andyoucouldputitinyourbutton-hole,sothatyoucanberecognized,andgotoFinsburyCircustomeetsomebodyateleveno’clockto-morrowmorning.Samuel,I’mashamedofyou.Er—wheredoyoulunch?”

“AttheCarlton.Oldchap,Igotquitecarriedaway.ThingsseemedtobearrangedbeforeIknewwhereIwas.”

“Andwhat’sshegoingtowearsothatyoucanrecognizeHER?”

“Yes,”saidSimpson,gettingup,“that’stheworstofit.Itoldheritwasquiteoutofdate,andthatonlythesuburbsworefashionsayearold,butsheinsistedonit.Ihadnoideashewasthatsortofgirl.Well,I’minforitnow.”Hesighedheavilyandwentoffforanotherginger-ale.

heavilyandwentoffforanotherginger-ale.

IthinkthatImustbeatFinsburyCircusto-morrow,forcertainlynoColumbineinaharemskirtwillbethere.Simpsoninhislonelinesswillbedelightedtoseeme,andthenwecanthrowawayhisbutton-holeandhaveanicelittlelunchtogether.

TWOSTORIES

THEMAKINGOFACHRISTMASSTORY

(ASCARRIEDOUTINTHEBESTENDOFFLEETSTREET)

YULETIDE!

LondonatYuletide!

AmantleofwhitelayupontheEmbankment,whereourstoryopens,gleamingandglisteningasitcaughttheraysofthecoldDecembersun;anembroideryofwhitefringedthetrees;andunderacanopyofwhitetheproudpalacesofSavoyandCecilrearedtheirsilentheads.Themightyriverinfrontwasmotionless,forthefingerofDeathhadlaiditsicyhanduponit.Above—thehardblueskystretchingtoeternity;below—thewhitepurityofinnocence.Londoninthegripofwinter!

[EDITOR.Come,Ilikethis.Thisisgoingtobegood.Acoldday,wasitnot?

AUTHOR.Very.]

Allatoncethequietofthemorningwasdisturbed.Inthedistanceabellrangout,sendingajoyouspaeantotheheavens.Anothertookuptheword,andthenanother,andanother.WestminstercaughtthemessagefromBartholomewthesonofThunder,andflungittoGilesWithout,whogaveitgentlytoAndrewbytheWardrobe.Suddenlytheairwasfilledwithbells,allchantingtogetherofpeaceandhappiness,mirthandjollity—afrenzyofbells.

TheDuke,fatheroffourfinechildren,wakinginhisHighlandcastle,heardandsmiledashethoughtofhislittleones….

TheMerchantPrince,turningoverinhisStreathamresidence,heard,andturnedagaintosleep,withloveforallmankindinhisheart….

ThePauperinhisworkhouse,upbetimes,heard,andchuckledattheprospectofhisChristmasdinner….

And,ontheEmbankment,RobertHardrow,withacynicalsmileonhislips,listenedtothesplendidironyofit.

[EDITOR.Wereallyaregettingtothestorynow,arewenot?AUTHOR.Thatwasalllocalcolour.IwanttomakeitquiteclearthatitwasChristmas.EDITOR.Yes,yes,quiteso.ThisiscertainlyaChristmasstory.IthinkIshalllikeRobert,doyouknow?]

ItwasChristmasday,somuchatleastwascleartohim.Withthatsamecynicalsmileonhislips,hepulledhisshiveringragsabouthim,andhalfunconsciouslyfeltatthegrowthofbeardabouthischin.Nobodywouldrecognizehimnow.Hisfriends(ashehadthoughtthem)wouldpassbywithoutaglanceforthepooroutcastnearthem.Thewomenthathehadknownwoulddrawtheirskirtsawayfromhiminhorror.EvenLadyAlice—

LadyAlice!Thecauseofitall!

Histhoughtsflewbacktothatlastscene,buttwenty-fourhoursago,whentheyhadpartedforever.Ashehadenteredthehallhehadhalfwonderedtohimselfiftherecouldbeanybodyintheworldthatdayhappierthanhimself.Tall,well-connected,avice-presidentoftheTariffReformLeague,andengagedtothesweetestgirlinEngland,hehadbeentheenvyofall.Littledidhethinkthatthatverynighthewastoreceivehisconge!Whatmattereditnowhoworwhytheyhadquarrelled?Afewhastywords,abittertaunt,tears,andthentheend.

Alastcryfromher—“Go,andletmeneverseeyourfaceagain!”

Alastsneerfromhim—“Iwillgo,butfirstgivemebackthepresentsIhavepromisedyou!”

Thenaslammeddoorand—silence.

Whatuse,withoutherguidance,totrytokeepstraightanymore?Bereftofherlove,Roberthadsunksteadily.Gambling,drink,morphia,billiardsandcigars—hehadtakentothemall;untilnowinthewretchedfigureoftheoutcastontheEmbankmentyouwouldneverhaverecognizedtheoncesprucefigureofHandsomeHardrow.

[EDITOR.Itallseemstohavehappenedratherrapidly,doesitnot?Twenty-fourhoursagohehadbeen—AUTHOR.YouforgetthatthisisSHORTstory.]

HandsomeHardow!Howabsurditsoundednow!Hehadlethisbeardgrow,hisclotheswereinrags,ascaroveroneeyetestified—

[EDITOR.Yes,yes.Ofcourse,Iquiteadmitthatamanmightgotothebadintwenty-fourhours,butwouldhisbeardgrowas—AUTHOR.Lookhere,you’veheardofamangoinggreywithtroubleinasinglenight,haven’tyou?

EDITOR.Certainly.

AUTHOR.Well,it’sthesameideaasthat.

EDITOR.Ah,quiteso,quiteso.

AUTHOR.WherewasI?

EDITOR.Ascaroveroneeyewasjusttestifying—Isupposehehadtwoeyesintheordinaryway?]

–testifiedtoadrunkenfrolicofanhourortwoago.Neverbefore,thoughtthepoliceman,ashepasseduponhisbeat,hadsuchapitifulfigurecoweredupontheEmbankment,andprayedforthenighttocoverhim.

The—

Hewas—

Er—the—

[EDITOR.Yes?

AUTHOR.TotellthetruthIamratherstuckforthemoment.

EDITOR.Whatisthetrouble?

AUTHOR.Idon’tquiteknowwhattodowithRobertfortenhoursorso.

EDITOR.Couldn’thegosomewherebyalocalline?

AUTHOR.Thisisnotahumorousstory.ThepointisthatIwanthimtobeoutsideacertainhousesometwentymilesfromtownateighto’clockthatevening.

EDITOR.IfIwereRobertIshouldcertainlystartatonce.

AUTHOR.No,Ihaveit.]

Ashesatthere,histhoughtsflewoverthebridgeofyears,andhewaswaftedonthewingsofmemorytootherandhappierYuletides.ThatChristmaswhenhehadreceivedhisfirstbicycle….

ThatChristmasabroad….

Themerryhouse-partyattheplaceofhisCambridgefriend….

YuletideatTheTowers,wherehehadfirstmetAlice!

Ah!

Tenhourspassedrapidlythus…

…….

[AUTHOR.Iputdotstodenotetheflightofyears.EDITOR.Besides,itwillgivethereadertimeforasandwich.]

Robertgotupandshookhimself.

[EDITOR.Onemoment.ThisisaChristmasstory.Whenareyoucomingtotherobin?

AUTHOR.Ireallycan’tbebotheredaboutrobinsjustnow.IassureyouallthebestChristmasstoriesbeginlikethisnowadays.Wemaygettoarobinlater;Icannotsay.

EDITOR.Wemust.Myreadersexpectarobin,andtheyshallhaveit.Andawassail-bowl,andaturkey,andaChristmas-tree,anda—

AUTHOR.Yes,yes;butwait.WeshallcometolittleElsiesoon,andthenperhapsitwillbeallright.

EDITOR.LittleElsie.Good!]

Robertgotupandshookhimself.Thenheshiveredmiserably,asthecoldwindcutthroughhimlikeaknife.Foramomenthestoodmotionless,gazingoverthestoneparapetintothedarkriverbeyond,andashegazedathoughtcameintohismind.Whynotenditall—hereandnow?Hehadnothingtolivefor.Oneswiftplunge,and—

[EDITOR.YOuforget.Theriverwasfrozen.

AUTHOR.Dashit,Iwasjustgoingtosaythat.]

Butno!EveninthisFatewasagainsthim.THERIVERWASFROZENOVER!Heturnedawaywithacurse….

WhathappenedafterwardsRobertneverquiteunderstood.AlmostunconsciouslyhemusthavecrossedoneofthenumerousbridgeswhichspantheriverandjoinNorthLondontoSouth.Onceontheotherside,heseemstohavesethisfacesteadilybeforehim,andtohavedraggedhiswearylimbsonandon,regardlessoftimeandplace.Hewalkedlikeoneinadream,hisminddruggedbythedullnarcoticofphysicalpain.SuddenlyherealizedthathehadleftLondonbehindhim,andwasinthemoreopenspacesofthecountry.Thehousesweremorescattered;therecurringvillaoftheclerkhadgivenplacetotheisolatedmansionofthestockbroker.Eachresidencestoodinitsownsplendidgrounds,surroundedbyfineoldforesttreesandapproachedbyalongcarriagesweep.Electric—

[EDITORQuiteso.Thewholeformingamagnificentestateforaretiredgentleman.Nevermindthat.]

Robertstoodattheentrancetooneofthesehouses,andtheironenteredintohissoul.Howdifferentwasthisman’spositionfromhisown!Whatrighthadthisman—aperfectstranger—tobehappyandcontentedintheheartofhisfamily,whilehe,Robert,stood,ahomelesswanderer,aloneinthecold?

Almostunconsciouslyhewandereddownthedrive,hardlyrealizingwhathewasdoinguntilhewasbroughtupbythegaylightsofthewindows.Stillwithoutthinking,hestoopeddownandpeeredintothebrilliantlylitroomabovehim.Withinallwasjollity;beautifulwomenmovedtoandfro,andthehappylaughterofchildrencametohim.“Elsie,”heheardsomeonecall,andachildishtrebleresponded.

sponded.

[EDITOR.Nowfortherobin.

AUTHOR.Iamverysorry.Ihavejustrememberedsomethingrathersad.Thefactisthat,twodaysbefore,Elsiehadforgottentofeedtherobin,andinconsequenceithaddiedbeforethisstoryopens.

EDITOR.Thatisreallyveryawkward.Ihavealreadyarrangedwithanartisttodosomepictures,ANDIREMEMBERIPARTICULARLYORDEREDAROBINANDAWASSAIL.WHATABOUTTHEWASSAIL?

AUTHOR.ELSIEALWAYSHADHERPORRIDGEupstairs.]

AterriblethoughthadcomeintoRobert’shead.Itwasnearlytwelveo’clock.Thehouse-partywasretiringtobed.Heheardthe“Good-nights”waftedthroughtheopenwindow;thelightswentout,toreappearupstairs.Presentlytheytoowentout,andRobertwasalonewiththedarkenedhouse.

Thetemptationwastoomuchforaconsciencealreadysoddenwithbilliards,drinkandcigars.Heflungalegoverthesillanddrewhimselfgentlyintotheroom.Atleasthewouldhaveonegoodmeal,hetoowouldhavehisChristmasdinnerbeforetheendcame.Heswitchedthelightonandturnedeagerlytothetable.Hiseyesravenouslyscannedthecontents.Turkey,mince-pies,plum-pudding—allwasthereasinthedaysofhisyouth.

[EDITOR.THISISBETTER.IORDEREDATURKEY,IREMEMBER.WHATABOUTTHEMISTLETOEANDHOLLY?IRATHERTHINKIASKEDFORSOMEOFTHEM.

AUTHOR.WEMUSTLETTHEREADERSTAKESOMETHINGFORGRANTED

EDITOR.IAMNOTSOSURE.COULDN’TYOUSAYSOMETHINGLIKETHIS:“HOLLYANDMISTLETOEHUNGINFESTOONSUPONTHEWALL?”]

Indeed,evenhollyandmistletoehunginfestoonsuponthewall.

[EDITOR.THANKYOU.]

WithasighofcontentHardrowflunghimselfintoachair,andseizedaknifeandfork.Soonaplateliberallyheapedwithgoodthingswasbeforehim.Greedilyhesettowork,withtheappetiteofamanwhohadnottastedfoodforseveralhours….

“Dood-evening,”saidavoice.“AreyouFatherKwistmas?”

Robertturnedsuddenly,andgazedinamazementatthewhite-robedfigureinthedoorway.

“Elsie,”hemurmuredhuskily.

[EDITOR.HOWDIDHEKNOW?ANDWHY“HUSKILY”?

AUTHOR.HEDIDN’TKNOW,HEGUESSED.ANDHISMOUTHWASFULL.]

“AreyouFatherKwistmas?”repeatedElsie.

Robertfeltathischin,andthankedHeavenagainthathehadlethisbeardgrow.Almostmechanicallyhedecidedtowearthemask—inshort,todissemble.

“Yes,mydear,”hesaid.“Ijustlookedintoknowwhatyouwouldlikemetobringyou.”

“You’relate,aren’too?Oughtn’tootohavecomethismorning?”

[EDITOR.THISISSPLENDID.THISQUITERECONCILESMETOTHEABSENCEOFTHEROBIN.BUTWHATWASELSIEDOINGDOWNSTAIRS?

AUTHOR.IAMMAKINGROBERTASKHERTHATQUESTIONDIRECTLY.

EDITOR.YES,BUTJUSTTELLMENOW—BETWEENFRIENDS.

AUTHOR.SHEHADLEFTHERGOLLIWOGINTHEROOM,ANDCOULDN’TSLEEPWITHOUTHER.

EDITOR.IKNEWTHATWASIT.]

“IfI’mlate,dear,”saidRobert,withasmile,“why,soareyou.”

“IfI’mlate,dear,”saidRobert,withasmile,“why,soareyou.”

Thegoodfoodandwineinhisveinsweredoingtheirwork,andapleasantwarmthwasstealingoverHardrow.Hefoundtohissurprisethatairybanterstillcameeasytohim.

“Towhat,”hecontinuedlightly,“doIowethehonourofthismeeting?”

“Icamedownstairsformydolly,”saidElsie.“Theoneyousentmethismorning,doyouremember?”

“OfcourseIdo,mydear.”

“Andwhathaveyoubwoughtmenow,FatherKwistmas?”

Robertstarted.Ifhewastoplaytherolesuccessfullyhemustfindsomethingtogivehernow.Theremainsoftheturkey,apairoffinger-bowls,hisoldhat—allthesecamehastilyintohismind,andweredismissed.Hehadnothingofvalueonhim.Allhadbeenpawnedlongago.

Stay!Thegoldlocketstuddedwithdiamondsandrubies,whichcontainedAlice’sphotograph.Theonemementoofherthathehadkept,evenwhenthepangsofstarvationwereuponhim.Hebroughtitfromitsresting-placenexthisheart.

“Alittlesomethingtowearroundyourneck,child,”hesaid.“See!”

“Thankoo,”saidElsie.“Why,itopens!”

“Yes,itopens,”saidRobertmoodily.

“Why,it’sAlith!SisterAlith!”

[EDITOR.HA!

AUTHOR.ITHOUGHTYOU’DLIKETHAT.]

Robertleapttohisfeetasifhehadbeenshot.

“Who?”hecried.

“MysisterAlith.Doesooknowhertoo?”

“MysisterAlith.Doesooknowhertoo?”

Alice’ssister!Heavens!Hecoveredhisfacewithhishands.

Thedooropened.

[EDITOR.HAAGAIN!]

“Whatareyoudoinghere,Elsie?”saidavoice.“Gotobed,child.Why,whoisthis?”

“FatherKwithmath,thithter.”

[EDITOR.HOWEXACTLYDOYOUWORKTHELISPING?

AUTHOR.WHATDOYOUMEAN?DON’TCHILDRENOFELSIE’STENDERYEARSLISPSOMETIMES?

EDITOR.YES;BUTJUSTNOWSHESAID“KWISTMAS”QUITECORRECTLY—

AUTHOR.IAMGLADYOUNOTICEDTHAT.THATWASANEFFECTWHICHIINTENDEDTOPRODUCE.LISPINGISBROUGHTABOUTBYPLACINGTHETONGUEUPONTHEHARDSURFACEOFTHEPALATE,ANDINCASESWHERETHESUBJECTISUNDULYEXCITEDORINFLUENCEDBYEMOTIONTHELISPBECOMESMOREPRONOUNCED.INTHISCASE—

EDITOR.YETH,ITHEE.]

“Sendheraway,”criedRobert,withoutraisinghishead.

Thedooropened,andclosedagain.

“Well,”saidAlicecalmly,“andwhoareyou?Youmayhaveliedtothispoorchild,butyoucannotdeceiveme.YouareNOTFatherChristmas.”

Themiserablemanraisedhisshamefacedheadandlookedhaggardlyather.

“Alice!”hemuttered,“don’tyourememberme?”

Shegazedathimearnestly.

Shegazedathimearnestly.

“Robert!Buthowchanged!”

“Sinceweparted,Alice,muchhashappened.”

“YetitseemsonlyyesterdaythatIsawyou!”

[EDITOR.ITwasONLYYESTERDAY.

AUTHOR.YES,YES.DON’TINTERRUPTNOW,PLEASE.]

“Tomeithasseemedyears.”

“Butwhatareyoudoinghere?”saidAlice.

“Rather,whatareYOUdoinghere?”answeredRobert.

[EDITOR.ITHINKALICE’SQUESTIONWASTHEMOREREASONABLEONE.]

“MyuncleJosephliveshere.”

Robertgaveasuddencry.

“YouruncleJoseph!ThenIhavebrokenintoyouruncleJoseph’shouse!Alice,sendmeaway!Putmeinprison!Dowhatyouwilltome!Icanneverholdupmyheadagain.”

LadyAlicelookedgentlyatthewretchedfigureinfrontofher.

“Iamgladtoseeyouagain,”shesaid.“BecauseIwantedtosaythatitwasMYfault!”

“Alice!”

“Canyouforgiveme?”

“Forgiveyou?IfyouknewwhatmylifehasbeensinceIleftyou!IfyouknewintowhatpathsofwickednessIhavesunk!Howonlythisevening,unnervedbyexcess,Ihavedeliberatelybrokenintothishouse—youruncleJoseph’shouse—inordertoobtainfood.AlreadyIhaveeatenmorethanhalfaturkeyandthebest

inordertoobtainfood.AlreadyIhaveeatenmorethanhalfaturkeyandthebestpartofaplum-pudding.Ifyouknew,I—”

Withagestureofinfinitecompassionshestoppedhim.

“Thenletusforgiveeachother,”shesaidwithasmile.“Anewyearisbeginning,Robert!”

Hetookherinhisarms.

“Listen,”hesaid.

InthedistancethebellsbegantoringintheNewYear.Amessageofhopetoallwearytravellersonlife’shighway.ItwasNewYear’sDay!

[EDITOR.ITHOUGHTCHRISTMASDAYHADSTARTEDONTHEEMBANKMENT.THISWOULDBEBOXINGDAY.AUTHOR.I‘MSORRY,BUTITMUSTENDLIKETHAT.IMUSTHAVEMYBELLS.YOUCANEXPLAINSOMEHOW.

EDITOR.THAT’SALLVERYWELL.IHAVEAGOODDEALTOEXPLAINASITIS.SOMEOFYOURSTORYDOESN’TFITTHEPICTURESATALL,ANDITISTOOLATENOWTOGETNEWONESDONE.

AUTHOR.IAMAFRAIDICANNOTWORKTOORDER.

EDITOR.YES,IKNOW.THEARTISTSAIDTHESAMETHING.WELL,IMUSTMANAGESOMEHOW,ISUPPOSE.GOOD-BYE.ROTTENWEATHERFORAUGUST,ISN’TIT?]

AMATTER-OF-FACTFAIRYTALE

OnceuponatimetherewasaKingwhohadthreesons.Thetwoeldestwerelazy,good-for-nothingyoungmen,butthethirdson,whosenamewasCharming,wasadelightfulyouth,whowaslovedbyeverybody(outsidehisfamily)whoknewhim.Wheneverherodethroughthetownthepeopleusedtostopwhateverworktheywereengageduponandwavetheircapsandcry

stopwhateverworktheywereengageduponandwavetheircapsandcry“HurrahforPrinceCharming!”—andevenafterhehadpassedtheywouldcontinuetostopwork,incasehemightbecomingbackthesameway,whentheywouldwavetheircapsandcry“HurrahforPrinceCharming!”again.Itwaswonderfulhowfondofhimtheywere.

Butalas!hisfathertheKingwasnotsofond.Hepreferredhiseldestson;whichwasfunnyofhim,becausehemusthaveknownthatonlythethirdandyoungestsoniseveranygoodinafamily.Indeed,theKinghimselfhadbeenathirdson,sohehadreallynoexcuseforignoranceonthepoint.IamafraidthetruthwasthathewasjealousofCharming,becausethelatterwassopopularoutsidehisfamily.

NowtherelivedinthePalaceanoldwomancalledCountessCaramel,whohadbeengovernesstoCharmingwhenhewasyoung.WhentheQueenlaydyingtheCountesshadpromisedherthatshewouldlookafterheryoungestboyforher,andCharminghadoftenconfidedinCaramelsince.Onemorning,whenhisfamilyhadbeenparticularlyrudetohimatbreakfast,Charmingsaidtoher:

“Countess,Ihavemadeupmymind,andIamgoingintotheworldtoseekmyfortune.”

“Ihavebeenwaitingforthis,”saidtheCountess.“Hereisamagicring.Wearitalwaysonyourlittlefinger,andwheneveryouwanthelpturnitroundonceandhelpwillcome.”

Charmingthankedherandputtheringonhisfinger.Thenheturneditroundoncejusttomakesurethatitworked.Immediatelytheoddestlittledwarfappearedinfrontofhim.

“SpeakandIwillobey,”saidthedwarf.

NowCharmingdidn’twantanythingatalljustthen,soafterthinkingforamomenthesaid,“Goaway!”

Thedwarf,alittlesurprised,disappeared.

“Thisissplendid,”thoughtCharming,andhestartedonhistravelswithalightheart.

Thesunwasatitshighestashecametoathickwood,andinitsshadehelaydowntorest.Hewasawakenedbythesoundofweeping.Risinghastilytohis

downtorest.Hewasawakenedbythesoundofweeping.Risinghastilytohisfeethepeeredthroughthetrees,andthere,fiftyyardsawayfromhim,bythesideofastreamsatthemostbeautifuldamselhehadeverseen,wringingherhandsandsobbingbitterly.PrinceCharming,grievingatthesightofbeautyinsuchdistress,coughedandcamenearer,

“Princess,”hesaidtenderly,forheknewshemustbeaPrincess,“youareintrouble.HowcanIhelpyou?”

“FairSir,”sheanswered,“Ihadthoughttobealone.But,sinceyouarehere,youcanhelpmeifyouwill.Ihavea—abrother—”

ButCharmingdidnotwanttotalkaboutbrothers.Hesatdownonafallenlogbesideher,andlookedatherentranced.

“Ithinkyouarethemostlovelyladyinalltheworld,”hesaid.

“AmI?”saidthePrincess,whosename,bytheway,wasBeauty.

Shelookedawayfromhimandtherewassilencebetweenthem.Charming,alittleataloss,fidgetednervouslywithhisring,andbegantospeakagain.

“EversinceIhaveknownyou—”

“Youareinneedofhelp?”saidthedwarf,appearingsuddenly.

“Certainlynot,”saidCharmingangrily.“Notintheleast.Icanmanagethisquitewellbymyself.”

“Speak,andIwillobey.”

“Thengoaway,”saidCharming;andthedwarf,whowasbeginningtolosehisgripofthings,againdisappeared.

ThePrincess,havingpolitelypretendedtobelookingforsomethingwhilethiswasgoingon,turnedtohimagain.

“Comewithme,”shesaid,“andIwillshowyouhowyoucanhelpme.”

Shetookhimbythehandandledhimdownanarrowgladetoalittleclearinginthemiddleofthewood.Thenshemadehimsitdownbesideheronthegrass,andthereshetoldhimhertale.

andthereshetoldhimhertale.

“ThereisagiantcalledBlunderbus,”shesaid,“wholivesinagreatcastletenmilesfromhere.Heisaterriblemagician,andyearsagobecauseIwouldnotmarryhimheturnedmy—mybrotherintoa—Idon’tknowhowtotellyou—intoa—atortoise.”Sheputherhandstoherfaceandsobbedagain.

“Whyatortoise?”saidCharming,knowingthatsympathywasuseless,butfeelingthatheoughttosaySOMETHING.

“Idon’tknow.Hejustthoughtofit.It—itisn’taverynicethingtobe.”

“AndwhyshouldheturnyourBROTHERintoit?Imean,ifhehadturnedYOUintoatortoise—Ofcourse,”hewentonhurriedly,“I’mverygladhedidn’t.”

“Thankyou,”saidBeauty.

“ButIdon’tunderstandwhy—”

“Heknewhecouldhurtmemorebymakingmybrotheratortoisethanbymakingmeone,”sheexplained,andlookedathimanxiously.

ThiswasanewideatoCharming,whohadtwobrothersofhisown;andhelookedatherinsomesurprise.

“Oh,whatdoesitmatterWHYhedidit?”shecriedashewasabouttospeak.“Whydogiantsdothings?Idon’tknow.”

“Princess,”saidCharmingremorsefully,andkissedherhand,“tellmehowIcanhelpyou.”

“Mybrother,”saidBeauty,“wastohavemetmehere.Heislateagain.”Shesighedandadded,“HeusedtobeSOpunctual.”

“ButhowcanIhelphim?”askedCharming.

“Itislikethis.TheonlywayinwhichtheenchantmentcanbetakenoffhimisforsomeonetokilltheGiant.Butifoncetheenchantmenthasstayedonforsevenyears,thenitstaysonforever.”

Hereshelookeddownandburstintotears.

“Thesevenyears,”shesobbed,“areoveratsundownthisafternoon.”

“Isee,”saidCharmingthoughtfully.

“HereISmybrother,”criedBeauty.

Anenormoustortoisecameslowlyintoview.Beautyrusheduptohimand,havingexplainedthesituationrapidly,madethenecessaryintroduction.

“Charmed,”saidtheTortoise.“Youcan’tmissthecastle;it’stheonlyonenearhere,andBlunderbusissuretobeathome.IneednottellyouhowgratefulIshallbeifyoukillhim.ThoughImustsay,”headded,“itpuzzlesmetothinkhowyouaregoingtodoit.”

“Ihaveafriendwhowillhelpme,”saidCharming,fingeringhisring.

“Well,Ionlyhopeyou’llbeluckierthantheothers.”

“Theothers?”criedCharming,insurprise.

“Yes;didn’tshetellyouabouttheotherswhohadtried?”

“Iforgotto,”saidBeauty,frowningathim.

“Ah,well,perhapsinthatcasewe’dbetternotgointoitnow,”saidtheTortoise.“ButbeforeyoustartIshouldliketotalktoyouprivatelyforamoment.”HetookCharmingononesideandwhispered,“Isay,doYOUknowanythingabouttortoises?”

“Verylittle,”saidCharming.“Infact—”

“Thenyoudon’thappentoknowwhattheyeat?”

“I’mafraidIdon’t.”

“Dashit,whydoesn’tANYBODYknow?Theothersallmadethemostridiculoussuggestions.Steakandkidneypuddings—andshrimpsandwiches—andbutteredtoast.Dearme!Thenightswehadaftertheshrimpsandwiches!Andthefoolsworehehadkepttortoisesallhislife!”

“IfImaysayso,”saidCharming,“IshouldhavethoughtthatYOUwouldhaveknownbest.”

knownbest.”

“Thesamesillyideatheyallhave,”saidtheTortoisetestily.“WhenBlunderbusputthisenchantmentonme,doyousupposehegotablackboardandapieceofchalkandgavemealectureonthedietandhabitsofthecommontortoise,beforeshowingmeoutofthefrontgate?No,hesimplyturnedmeintotheformofatortoiseandleftmymindandsoulasitwasbefore.I’vegottheanatomyofatortoise,I’vegottheverydelicateinsideofatortoise,butIdon’tTHINKlikeone,stupid.ElseIshouldn’tmindbeingone.”

“Ineverthoughtofthat.”

“Noonedoes,exceptme.AndIcanthinkofnothingelse.”Hepausedandaddedconfidentially,“We’retryingrumomelettesjustnow.SomehowIdon’tthinktortoisesREALLYlikethem.However,weshallsee.Isupposeyou’veneverheardanythingdefiniteagainstthem?”

“Youneedn’tbotheraboutthat,”saidCharmingbriskly.“Byto-nightyouwillbeamanagain.”AndhepattedhimencouraginglyontheshellandreturnedtotakeanaffectionatefarewellofthePrincess.

Assoonashewasalone,Charmingturnedtheringroundhisfinger,andthedwarfappearedbeforehim.

“Thesameasusual?”saidthedwarf,preparingtovanishattheword.Hewasjustbeginningtogetintotheswingofit.

“No,no,”saidCharminghastily.“Ireallywantyouthistime.”Hethoughtforamoment.“Iwant,”hesaidatlast,“asword.Onethatwillkillgiants.”

Instantlyagleamingswordwasathisfeet.Hepickeditupandexaminedit.

“Isthisreallyamagicsword?”

“Ithasbuttoinflictonescratch,”saidthedwarf,“andtheresultisdeath.”

Charming,whohadbeenfeelingtheblade,tookhisthumbawayhastily.

“ThenIshallwantacloakofdarkness,”hesaid.

“Behold,hereitis.Beneaththiscloakthewearerisinvisibletotheeyesofhis

“Behold,hereitis.Beneaththiscloakthewearerisinvisibletotheeyesofhisenemies.”

“Onethingmore,”saidCharming.“Apairofseven-leagueboots….Thankyou.Thatisallto-day.”

Directlythedwarfwasgone,Charmingkickedoffhisshoesandsteppedintothemagicboots;thenheseizedtheswordandthecloakanddartedoffonhislady’sbehest.Hehadbarelygoneahundredpacesbeforeasuddenideacametohim,andhepulledhimselfupshort.

“Letmesee,”hereflected;“thecastlewastenmilesaway.Theseareseven-leagueboots—sothatIhavecomeabouttwothousandmiles.Ishallhavetogoback.”Hetooksomehastystepsback,andfoundhimselfinthewoodfromwhichhehadstarted.

“Well?”saidPrincessBeauty,“haveyoukilledhim?”

“No,n-no,”stammeredCharming,“notexactlykilledhim.Iwasjust—justpractisingsomething.Thefactis,”headdedconfidentially,“I’vegotapairofnewbootson,and—”Hesawthelookofcoldsurpriseinherfaceandwentonquickly,“Iswear,Princess,thatIwillnotreturntoyouagainwithouthishead.”

Hetookaquickstepinthedirectionofthecastleandfoundhimselfsoaringoverit;turnedelevenmilesoffandsteppedbackapace;overshotitagain,andarrivedattheveryfeetofthePrincess.

“Hishead!”saidBeautyeagerly.

“I—Imusthavedroppedit,”saidCharming,hastilypretendingtofeelforit.“I’lljustgoand—”Hesteppedoffinconfusion.

Elevenmilesthewrongsideofthecastle,Charmingsatdowntothinkitout.Itwasbuttwohourstosundown.Withouthismagicbootshewouldgettothecastletoolate.Ofcourse,whathereallywantedtodowastoerectanisoscelestriangleonabaseofelevenmiles,havingtwosidesoftwenty-onemileseach.ButthiswasbeforeEuclid’stime.

However,bytakingonesteptothenorthandanothertothesouth-west,hefoundhimselfcloseenough.Ashortbutpainfulwalk,withhisbootsinhishand,broughthimtohisdestination.Hehadamoment’snaturalhesitationaboutmakingafirstcallatthecastleinhisstockingedfeet,butconsoledhimselfwith

makingafirstcallatthecastleinhisstockingedfeet,butconsoledhimselfwiththethoughtthatinlife-and-deathmattersonecannotbotheraboutlittlepointsofetiquette,andthat,anyhow,thegiantwouldnotbeabletoseehim.Then,donningthemagiccloak,andwiththemagicswordinhishand,heenteredthecastlegates.Foraninstanthisheartseemedtostopbeating,butthethoughtofthePrincessgavehimnewcourage….

TheGiantwassittinginfrontofthefire,hisgreatspikedclubbetweenhisknees.AtCharming’sentryheturnedround,gaveastartofsurprise,bentforwardeagerlyamoment,andthenleantbackchuckling.Likemostovergrownmenhewasnaturallykind-heartedandhadasimplehumour,buthecouldbestubbornwhenheliked.Theoriginalaffairofthetortoiseseemstohaveshownhimbothathisbestandathisworst.

“Whydoyouwalklikethat?”hesaidpleasantlytoCharming.“Thebabyisnotasleep.”

Charmingstoppedshort.

“Youseeme?”hecriedfuriously.

“OfcourseIdo!Really,youmustn’texpecttocomeintoahousewithoutanythingonyourfeetandnotbeaLITTLEnoticeable.EveninacrowdIshouldhavepickedyouout.”

“Thatmiserabledwarf,”saidCharmingsavagely,“sworesolemnlytomethatbeneaththiscloakIwasinvisibletotheeyesofmyenemies!”

“ButthenweAREN’Tenemies,”smiledtheGiantsweetly.“Ilikeyouimmensely.There’ssomethingaboutyou—directlyyoucamein…Ithinkitmustbeloveatfirstsight.”

“Sothat’showhetrickedme!”

“Oh,no,itwasn’treallylikethat.ThefactisyouareinvisibleBENEATHthatcloak,only—you’llexcusemypointingitout—therearesuchfunnybitsofyouthataren’tbeneaththecloak.You’venoideahowoddyoulook;justaheadandtwolegs,andacoupleofarms….Waists,”hemurmuredtohimself,“arenotbeingwornthisyear.”

ButCharminghadhadenoughoftalk.Grippinghisswordfirmly,hethrewaside

ButCharminghadhadenoughoftalk.Grippinghisswordfirmly,hethrewasidehisuselesscloak,dashedforward,andwithabeautifullungeprickedhisenemyintheankle.

“Victory!”hecried,wavinghismagicswordabovehishead.“ThusisBeauty’sbrotherdelivered!”

TheGiantstaredathimforafullminute.Thenheputhishandstohissidesandfellbackshakinginhischair.

“Herbrother!”heroared.“Well,ofallthe—HerBROTHER!”Herolledonthefloorinaparoxysmofmirth.“Herbrother!Oh,you—You’llkillme!Herb-b-b-b-brother!Herb-b-b-b—herb-b-b—herb-b—”

TheworldsuddenlyseemedverycoldtoCharming.Heturnedtheringonhisfinger.

“Well?”saidthedwarf.

“Iwant,”saidCharmingcurtly,“tobebackathome,ridingthroughthestreetsonmycreampalfrey,amidstthecheersofthepopulace….Atonce.”

…….

AnhourlaterPrincessBeautyandPrinceUdo,whowasnotherbrother,gazedintoeachother’seyes;andBeauty’slastillusionwent.

“You’vealtered,”shesaidslowly.

“Yes,I’mnotREALLYmuchlikeatortoise,”saidUdohumorously.

“Imeantsincesevenyearsago.You’remuchstouterthanIthought.”

“Timehasn’texactlystoodstillwithyou,youknow,Beauty.”

“Yetyousawmeeveryday,andwentonlovingme.”

“Well-er—”Heshuffledhisfeetandlookedaway.

“DIDN’Tyou?”

“Well,yousee—ofcourseIwantedtogetback,yousee—andaslongasyou—Imeanifwe—ifyouthoughtwewereinlovewitheachother,then,ofcourse,youwerereadytohelpme.Andso—”

“You’requiteoldandbald.Ican’tthinkwhyIdidn’tnoticeitbefore.”

“Well,youwouldn’twhenIwasatortoise,”saidUdopleasantly.“AstortoisesgoIwasreallyquiteayoungster.Besides,anyhowonenevernoticesbaldnessinatortoise.”

“Ithink,”saidBeauty,weighingherwordscarefully,“Ithinkyou’vegoneoffagooddealinlooksinthelastdayortwo.”

…….

Charmingwashomeintimefordinner;andnextmorninghewasmorepopularthanever(outsidehisfamily)asherodethroughthestreetsofthecity.ButBlunderbuslaydeadinhiscastle.YouandIknowthathewaskilledbythemagicsword;yetsomehowastrangelegendgrewuparoundhisdeath.Andeverafterwardsinthatcountry,whenonemantoldhisneighbouramorethanordinarilyhumorousanecdote,thelatterwouldcry,inbetweenthegustsofmerriment,“Don’t!You’llmakemedieoflaughter!”Andthenhewouldpullhimselftogether,andaddwithasigh—“LikeBlunderbus.”

ANODDLOT

THECOMINGOFTHECROCUS

“IT’Sabootifuldayagain,Sir,”saidmygardener,James,lookinginatthestudywindow.

“Bootiful,James,bootiful,”Isaid,asIwentonwithmywork.

“Youmightalmostsayasspringwashereatlast,like.”

“Crossyourfingersquickly,James,andtouchwood.Lookhere,I’llbeoutinaminuteandgiveyousomeorders,butI’mverybusyjustnow.”

“Thoughtprapsyou’dliketoknowthere’selevencrocusesinthefrontgarden.”

“Thensendthemaway—we’vegotnothingforthem.”

“Crocuses,”shoutedJames.

Ijumpedupeagerly,andclimbedthroughthewindow.

“Mydearman,”Isaid,shakinghimwarmlybythehand,“thisisindeedaday.Crocuses!Andinthefrontgar—onthesouthlawn!Letusgoandgazeatthem.”

Theretheywere—elevenofthem.Sixgoldenones,fourwhite,andalittlemauvechap.

“Thisisatriumphforyou,James.It’swonderful.Hasanythinglikethiseverhappenedtoyoubefore?”

“There’llbesomemoreupto-morrow,Iwon’tsayasnot.”

“Thosereallyaregrowing,arethey?Youhaven’tbeenpushingtheminfromthetop?Theywereactuallybornontheestate?”

“There’llbeafineoneinthebackbedsoon,”saidJamesproudly.

“Intheback—mydearJames!Inthesparebedonthenorth-eastterrace,Isupposeyoumean.AndwhathaveweintheDutchOrnamentalGarden?”

“IfIhastolookafterornamentalgardensandsouthaspicsandall,Ioughttohavemysalaryraised,”saidJames,stillharpingonhisonegrievance.

“Byallmeansraisesomecelery,”Isaidcoldly.

“Takeaspadeandraisesomeforlunch.Ishallbeonlytoodelighted.”

“Thishereisn’ttheseasonforcelery,asyouknowwell.Thishere’stheseasonforcrocuses,asanyonecanseeiftheyusetheireyes.”

“James,you’reright.Forgiveme.Itisnodayforquarrelling.”

Itwasnodayforworkingeither.Thesunshoneupontheclose-croppedgreenofthedeerpark,theskywasblueabovetherosegarden,inthetapiocagroveathrushwassinging.Iwalkedupanddownmyestateanddrankinthegoodfreshair.

“James!”Icalledtomyheadgardener.

“Whatisitnow?”hegrumbled.

“AretherenodaffodilstotakethewindsofMarchwithbeauty?”

“There’stheseelevencroc—”

“Butthereshouldbedaffodilstoo.IsnotthisMarch?”

“ItmaybeMarch,but‘tisn’tthetimefordaffodils—notonthreeshillingsaweek.”

“Doyouonlygetthreeshillingsaweek?Ithoughtitwasthreeshillingsanhour.”

“Likelyanhour!”

“Ahwell,Iknewitwasthreeshillings.Doyouknow,James,intheScillyIslandstherearefieldsandfieldsandfieldsofnoddingdaffodilsoutnow.”

“Lor’!”saidJames.

“Lor’!”saidJames.

“Didyousay‘lor”or‘liar’?”Iaskedsuspiciously.

“Tothinkofthatnow,”saidJamescautiously.

Hewanderedofftothetapiocagrove,leantagainstitinthoughtforamoment,andcamebacktome.

“What’swrongwiththislittlebitofgarden—thisherepark,”hebegan,“isthesoil.It’snosoilfordaffodils.Nowwhatdaffodilslikeisclay.”

“ThenforHeaven’ssakegetthemsomeclay.Sparenoexpense.Getthemanythingtheyfancy.”

“It’stooalloovial—that’swhat’sthematter.Tooalloovial.Now,crocuseslikeabitofalloovial.That’swhereyouhaveit.”

ThematterwithJamesisthathehasn’tenoughworktodo.Therestofthestaffissobusilyemployedthatitishardlyevervisible.William,forinstance,isoccupiedentirelywithwhatImightcallthepoultry;itishisduty,infact,toseethattherearealwaysenoughants’eggsforthegoldfish.AlltheseprizeLeghornsyouhearaboutarethemerestnovicescomparedwithWilliam’sprotegees.ThenJohnlooksafterthestaggery;Henryworksthecolouredfountain;andPeterpaintsthepeacocks’tails.Thiskeepsthemallbusy,butJamesisforeverhangingabout.

“Almostseemsasiftheywereyooman,”hesaid,aswestoodandlistenedtotherooks.

“Oh,areyouthere,James?It’sabeautifulday.Whosaidthatfirst?Ibelieveyoudid.”

“Themthererooksalwaysmakeaplaceseemsohome-like.Rooksandcrocuses,Isay—andyoudon’twantanythingmore.”

“Yes;well,iftherookswanttobuildintheraspberrycanesthisyear,letthem,James.Don’tbeinhospitable.”

“Course,somedoliketoseeprimroses,Idon’tsay.But—”

“Primroses—Iknewtherewassomething.Wherearethey?”

“Primroses—Iknewtherewassomething.Wherearethey?”

“It’stooearlyforthem,”saidJameshastily.“Youwon’tgetprimrosesnowbeforeApril.”

“Don’tsay‘now,’asifitweremyfault.Whydidn’tyouplantthemearlier?Idon’tbelieveyouknowanyofthetricksofyourprofession,James.Youneverseemtograftanythingorpruneanything,andI’msureyoudon’tknowhowtocutaslip.James,whydon’tyouprunemore?Prunenow—Ishouldliketowatchyou.Where’syourpruning-hook?Youcan’tpossiblydoitwitharake.”

Jamesspendsmostofhisdaywitharake—sometimesleaningonit,sometimesworkingwithit.Thebedsarealwaysbeautifullykept.Onlythemosthardyannualwoulddaretopokeitsheadupandspoilthesmoothappearanceofthesoil.Forthosewholikecirclesandrectanglesofunrelievedbrown,Jamesisundoubtedlytheman.

AsIstoodinthesunIhadabrilliantidea.

“James,”Isaid,“we’llcutthecroquetlawnthisafternoon.”

“Youcan’tplaycroquetto-day,it’snotwarmenough.”

“Idon’tpayyoutoargue,buttoobey.AtthesametimeIshouldliketopointoutthatIneversaidIwasgoingtoplaycroquet.Isaidthatwe,meaningyou,wouldcutthelawn.”

“What’sthegoodofthat?”

“Why,toencouragethewonderfulday,ofcourse.Whereisyourgratitude,man?Don’tyouwanttodosomethingtohelp?Howcanweletadaylikethisgopastwithoutsomewordofwelcome?Outwiththemower,andletushailthepassingofwinter.”

Jameslookedatmeindisgust.

“Gratitude!”hesaidindignantlytoHeaven.“Andthere’smyelevencrocusesinthefrontallasingingtogetherlikeanythingonthreebobaweek!”

THEORDEALBYFIRE

OurFlame-flower,theFamilyFlame-flower,isnowplainlyestablishedinthenorth-eastcornerofthepergola,andflourishesexceedingly.There,orthereabouts,itwillremainthroughthegenerationstocome—acascadeofglorytotheeye,afountainofpridetothesoul.“Ourfathers’fathers,”theunbornwillsayofus,“performedthisthing;theytoiledandsufferedthatwemightfronttheworldwithconfidence—afamilysecureintheknowledgethatithasbeentriedbyfireandnotfoundwanting….”

TheAtherley’sflame-flower,Iamgladtoinformyou,isdead.

…….

Westartedtheworkfiveyearsago.Iwasyoungandignorantthen—Ididnotunderstand.Onedaytheyledmetoanoldappletreeandshowedme,fencedinatitsfoot,twotwigsandahintofleaf.“Theflame-flower!”theysaid,withaweintheirvoices.Iwasveryyoung;IsaidthatIdidn’tthinkmuchofit.Itwasfromthatmomentthatmyeducationbegan….

Everybodywhocametoseeushadtobeshowntheflame-flower.Visitorswereconductedtotheappletreeinsolemnprocession,andpresented.Theypeeredoverthefenceandsaid,“A-ah!”justasiftheyknewallaboutit.Perhapssomeofthemdid.Perhapssomeofthemhadtriedtogrowitintheirowngardens.

AsNovembercameonandtheairgrewcold,thequestionwhethertheflame-flowershouldwinterabroadbecameinsistent.Aftermuchthoughtitwasmovedtotheshrubberyonthesouthernsideofthehouse,whereitleantagainstalaburnumuntilApril.Withthespringitreturnedhome,seeminglystrongerforthechange;butthethoughtofwinterwastoomuchforit,andinOctoberitwasorderedsouthagain.

Forthenextthreeyearsitwasconstantlytryingdifferentclimatesandtesting

Forthenextthreeyearsitwasconstantlytryingdifferentclimatesandtestingvariousdiets.Thoughitwastouchandgowithitallthistimeourfaithwasstrong,ourcourageunshaken.June,1908,founditinthegravel-pit.Itseemedouronlyhope….

AndintheAugustofthatyearIwentandstayedwiththeAtherleys.

……

OnemorningatbreakfastIchallengedMissAtherleytoanimmediategameoftennis.

“Notdirectlyafter,”saidMrsAtherley,“it’ssobadforyou.Besides,wemustjustplantourflame-flowerfirst.”

Idroppedmyknifeandforkandgazedatheropen-mouthed.

“Plantyour—WHAT?”Imanagedtosayatlast.

“Flame-flower.Doyouknowit?Johnbroughtonedownlastnight—itlookssoprettygrowingupanything.”

“Itwon’ttakeamoment,”saidMissAtherley,“andthenI’llbeatyou.”

“But—butyoumustn’t—you—youmustn’ttalklikeTHATaboutit,”Istammered.”Th-that’snotthewaytotalkaboutaflame-flower.”

“Why,what’swrong?”

“You’rejustgoingtoplantit!Beforeyouplaytennis!Itisn’ta—aBUTTERCUP!Youcan’tdoitlikethat.”

“Oh,butdogiveusanyhints—weshallbeonlytoograteful.”

“Hints!Justgoingtoplantit!”Irepeated,gettingmoreandmoreindignant.“I—IsupposeSirChristopherWrens-saidtohiswifeatbreakfastonemorning,‘I’vejustgottodesignStPaul’sCathedral,dear,andthenI’llcomeandplaytenniswithyou.Ifyoucangivemeanyhints—’”

withyou.Ifyoucangivemeanyhints—’”

“Isitreallysodifficult?”askedMrsAtherley.“We’veseenlotsofitinScotland.”

“InScotland,yes.NotintheSouthofEngland.”Ipaused,andthenadded,“WEhaveone.”

“Whatsoilisyours?Doyouplantitverydeep?Dotheylikealotofwater?”Theseandothertechnicalpointswereputtomeatonce.

“Thosearemeredetailsofhorticulture,”Isaid.“WhatIamprotestingagainstisthewholespiritinwhichyouapproachthebusiness—thelight-heartedwayinwhichyouassumethatyoucansupportaflame-flower.Youhavetobeaverysuperiorfamilyindeedtohaveaflame-flowergrowinginyourgarden.”

Theylaughed.TheythoughtIwasjoking.

“Well,we’regoingtoplantitnow,anyhow,”saidMissAtherley.“Comealongandhelpus.”

Wewentout,sixofus,MrsAtherleycarryingthepreciousthing;andwegatheredroundanoldtreetrunkinfrontofthehouse.

“Itwouldlookratherprettyhere,”saidMrsAtherley.“Don’tyouthink?”

Igaveagreatgroan.

“You—you—you’reallwrongagain,”Isaidindespair.“Youdon’tputaflame-flowerinaplacewhereyouthinkitwilllookpretty;youtryinallhumilitytofindafavouredspotwhereitwillbepleasedtogrow.Theremaybesuchaspotinyourgardenortheremaynot.UntilIknowyoubetterIcannotsay.Butitisextremelyunlikelytobehere,rightinfrontofthewindow.”

Theylaughedagain,andbegantodiguptheground.Iturnedmybackinhorror;Icouldnotwatch.Andatthelastmomentsomequalmsofdoubtseizedeventhem.Theyspoketomealmosthumbly.

“HowwouldYOUplantit?”theyasked.

Itwasmylastchanceofmakingthemrealizetheirresponsibility.

“Icannotsayatthismoment,”Ibegan,“exactlyhowtheceremonyshouldbeperformed,butIshouldendeavourtothinkofsomethinginkeepingwiththesolemnityoftheoccasion.ItmaybethatMrsAtherleyandIwouldtaketheflowerandmarchinprocessionroundthefountain,singingasuitablechant,whileBobandArchiewithshavenheadsprostratedthemselvesbeforethesundial.MissAtherleymightpossiblydancetheFiredanceupontheeastlawn,whileMrAtherleystoodupononefootinthemiddleoftheherbaceousborderandplayeduponherwiththegardenhose.Theseorothersymbolicritesweshouldperform,beforeweplanteditinaplacechosenbyChance.Thenleavingasaucerofnewmilkforitlestitshouldthirstinthenightwewouldgoaway,andspendtherestoftheweekinmeditation.”

Ipausedforbreath.

“Thatmightdoit,”Iadded,“oritmightnot.Butatleastthatisthesortofspiritthatyouwanttoshow.”

Oncemoretheylaughed…andthentheyplantedit.

……..

Thesehavebeentwodifficultyearsforme.TherehavebeentimeswhenIhavealmostlostfaith,andnoteventhegloriesofourownflame-flowercouldcheerme.Butatlastthenewscame.Iwasathomefortheweek-endand,afterratheratiringdayshowingvisitorsthenorth-eastendofthepergola,Iwentindoorsforarest.Onthetabletherewasaletterforme.ItwasfromMrsAtherley.

“BYTHEWAY,”shewrote,“THEFLAME-FLOWERISDEAD.”

“Bytheway”!

Buteveniftheyhadtakenthebusinessseriously,eveniftheyhadunderstoodfullywhatagreatthingitwastheywereattempting—eventhenIthinktheywouldhavefailed.

For,thoughIliketheAtherleysverymuch,thoughIthinkthemallextremelyjolly…yet—Idoubt,youknow,iftheyareQUITEthefamilytohaveaflame-

jolly…yet—Idoubt,youknow,iftheyareQUITEthefamilytohaveaflame-flowergrowingintheirgarden.

THELUCKYMONTH

“KNOWthyself,”saidtheoldGreekmotto.(InGreek—butthisisanEnglishbook.)SoIboughtalittleredvolumecalled,terselyenough,WEREYOUBORNINJANUARY?Iwas;and,reassuredonthispoint,theauthortoldmeallaboutmyself.

Forthemostparthetoldmenothingnew.“Youare,”hesaidineffect,“good-tempered,courageous,ambitious,loyal,quicktoresentwrong,anexcellentraconteur,andaleaderofmen.”True.“Generoustoafault”—(Yes,Iwasoverdoingthatrather)—“youhaveareadysympathywiththedistressed.Peopleborninthismonthwillalwayskeeptheirpromises.”Andsoon.Therewasnodoubtthattheauthorhadtheideaallright.Evenwhenhewentontowarnmeofmyweaknesseshemaintainedthecorrectnote.“PeopleborninJanuary,”hesaid,“mustbeontheirguardagainstworkingtoostrenuously.Theirextraordinarilyactivebrains—”Well,youseewhathemeans.ItISafaultperhaps,andIshallbemorecarefulinfuture.Mind,Idonottakeoffencewithhimforcallingmyattentiontoit.Infact,myonlyobjectiontothebookisitssurfaceapplicationtoALLthepeoplewhowereborninJanuary.Thereshouldhavebeenmoredistinctionmadebetweenmeandtherabble.

Ihavesaidthathetoldmelittlethatwasnew.Inonematter,however,hedidopenmyeyes.Heintroducedmetoanaspectofmyselfentirelyunsuspected.

“They,”hesaid-meaningme,“haveunusualbusinesscapacity,andaredestinedtobeleadersingreatcommericalenterprises.”

Onegetsattimestheseflashesofself-revelation.InaninstantIrealizedhowwastedmylifehadbeen;inaninstantIresolvedthathereandnowIwouldputmygreatgiftstotheirproperuses.Iwouldbealeaderinanimmensecommercialenterprise.

Onecannotstartcommercialenterpriseswithoutcapital.Thefirstthingwastodeterminetheexactnatureofmybalanceatthebank.Thiswasamatterforthebanktoarrange,andIdrovethererapidly.

“Good-morning,”Isaidtothecashier,“Iaminratherahurry.MayIhavemypass-book?”

Heassentedandretired.Afteraninterminablewait,duringwhichmanypsychologicalmomentsforcommercialenterprisemusthavelapsed,hereturned.

“IthinkYOUhaveit,”hesaidshortly.

“Thankyou,”Ireplied,anddroverapidlyhomeagain.

Alengthysearchfollowed;butafteranhourofitoneofthosewhite-hotflashesofthought,suchasonlyoccurtothenaturalbusinessgenius,searedmymindandsentmepost-hastetothebankagain.

“Afterall,”Isaidtothecashier,“Ionlywanttoknowmybalance.Whatisit?”

Hewithdrewandgavehimselfuptocalculation.Ipacedthefloorimpatiently.Opportunitieswereslippingby.Atlasthepushedaslipofpaperacrossatme.Mybalance!

Itwasinfourfigures.Unfortunatelytwoofthemwereshillingsandpence.Still,therewasamatteroffiftypoundsoddaswell,andfortuneshavebeenbuiltuponless.

OutinthestreetIhadamoment’spause.HithertoIhadregardedmycommercialenterpriseinthebulk,asafinishedmonumentofindustry;thelittlenigglingpreliminarydetailshadnotcomeupforconsideration.JustforasecondIwonderedhowtobegin.

Onlyforasecond.Anunsuspectedtalentwhichhaslonglaindormantneeds,whenwaked,asecondorsototurnroundin.AttheendofthattimeIhadmadeupmymind.IknewexactlywhatIwoulddo.Iwouldringupmysolicitor.

“Hallo,isthatyou?Yes,thisisme.What?Yes,awfully,thanks.Howareyou?Good.Lookhere,comeandlunchwithme.What?No,atonce.Good-bye.”

Business,particularlythatsortofcommercialenterprisetowhichIhadnowdecidedtolendmygenius,canonlybediscussedproperlyoveracigar.DuringthemealitselfmysolicitorandIindulgedintheordinarysmall-talkofthepleasure-lovingworld.

“You’relookingveryfit,”saidmysolicitor.“No,notfat,FIT.”

“Youdon’tthinkI’mlookingthin?”Iaskedanxiously.“Peoplearewarningme

“Youdon’tthinkI’mlookingthin?”Iaskedanxiously.“PeoplearewarningmethatImaybeoverdoingitrather.TheytellmethatImustbeseriouslyonmyguardagainstbrainstrain.”

“Isupposetheythinkyououghtn’ttostrainittoosuddenly,”saidmysolicitor.Thoughheisnowasolicitorhewasoncejustanordinaryboyliketherestofus,anditwasinthosedaysthatheacquiredthehabitofbeingrudetome,ahabithehasneverquiteforgotten.

“Whatisanonyx?”Isaid,changingtheconversation.

“Why?”askedmysolicitor,withhisusualbusinessacumen.

“Well,IwaspracticallycertainthatIhadseenoneintheZoo,inthereptilehouse,butIhavejustlearntthatitismyluckymonthstone.NaturallyIwanttogetone.”

Thecoffeecameandwesettleddowntocommerce.

“Iwasjustgoingtoaskyou,”saidmysolicitor—“haveyouanymoneylyingidleatthebank?Becauseifso—”

“Whateverelseitisdoing,itisn’tlyingidle,”Iprotested.“Iwasatthebankto-day,andthereweremenchivyingitaboutwithshovelsallthetime.”

“Well,howmuchhaveyougot?”

“Aboutfiftypounds.”

“Itoughttobemorethanthat.”

“That’swhatIsay,butyouknowwhatbanksare.Actualmeritcountsfornothingwiththem.”

“Well,whatdidyouwanttodowithit?”

“Exactly.ThatwaswhyIrangyouup.I—er—”Thiswasreallymymoment,butsomehowIwasnotquitereadytoseizeit.Myvastcommercialenterprisestilllackedafewtriflingdetails.“Er—I—well,it’slikethat.”

“Imightgetyouafewgroundrents.”

“Don’t.Ishouldn’tknowwheretoputthem.”

“ButifyoureallyhavefiftypoundssimplylyingidleIwishyou’dlendittomeforabit.I’mconfoundedlyhardup.”

(“GENEROUSTOAFAULT,YOUHAVEAREADYSYMPATHYWITHTHEDISTRESSED.”Dashit,whatcouldIdo?)

“Isitquiteetiquetteforclientstolendsolicitorsmoney?”Iasked.“Ithoughtitwasalwayssolicitorswhohadtolendittoclients.IfImust,I’dratherlendittoyou—Imean,I’ddislikeitless—astotheoldfriendofmychildhood.”

“Yes,that’showIwantedtopayitback.”

“Bother.ThenI’llsendyouachequeto-night,”Isighed.

Andthat’swhereweareatthemoment.“PEOPLEBORNINTHISMONTHALWAYSKEEPTHEIRPROMISES.”Themoneyhasgottogoto-night.IfIhadn’tbeenborninJanuaryIshouldn’tbesendingit;Icertainlyshouldn’thavepromisedit;Ishouldn’tevenhaveknownthatIhadit.SometimesIalmostwishthatIhadbeenborninoneofthedecentmonths.March,say.

ASUMMERCOLD

WHENIamnotfeelingverywellIgotoBeatriceforsympathyandadvice.AnyhowIgettheadvice.

“Ithink,”Isaidcarelessly,wishingtobreakittoherasgentlyaspossible,“IthinkIhavehay-fever.”

“Nonsense,”saidBeatrice.

Thatannoyedme.Whyshouldn’tIhavehay-feverifIwantedto?

“Ifyou’regoingtobegrudgemeeverylittlething,”Ibegan.

“Youhaven’tevengotacold.”

Asluckwouldhaveitasneezechosethatmomentforitsarrival.

“There!”Isaidtriumphantly.

“Why,mydearboy,ifyouhadhay-feveryou’dbesneezingallday.”

“Thatwasonlyasample.Therearelotsmorewherethatcamefrom.”

“Don’tbesosilly.Fancystartinghay-feverinSeptember.”

“I’mnotstartingit.Iam,Iearnestlyhope,justfinishingit.Ifyouwanttoknow,I’vehadacoldallthesummer.”

“Well,Ihaven’tnoticedit.”

“That’sbecauseI’msuchagoodactor.I’vebeenplayingthepartofamanwhohasn’thadacoldallthesummer.Myperformanceisconsideredtobemostlife-like.”

Beatricedisdainedtoanswer,andbyandbyIsneezedagain.

“Youcertainlyhaveacold,”shesaid,puttingdownherwork.

“Youcertainlyhaveacold,”shesaid,puttingdownherwork.

“Come,thisissomething.”

“Youmustbecareful.Howdidyoucatchit?”

“Ididn’tcatchit.Itcaughtme.”

“Lastweek-end?”

“No,lastMay.”

Beatricepickedupherworkagainimpatiently.Isneezedathirdtime.

“Isthismorethesortofthingyouwant?”Isaid.

“WhatIsayisthatyoucouldn’thavehadhay-feverallthesummerwithoutpeopleknowing.”

“But,mydearBeatrice,peopledoknow.Inthisquietlittlesuburbyouareratheroutofthewayofthebusyworld.Rumoursofwar,depressionsontheStockExchange,myhay-fever—thesethingspassyouby.Buttheclubsarefullofit.Iassureyouthat,alloverthecountry,England’sstatelyhomeshavebeenplungedintomourningbythenewsofmysufferings,historicpileshavebowedtheirheadsandwept.”

“Isupposeyoumeanthatineveryhouseyou’vebeentothissummeryou’vetoldthemthatyouhadit,andthey’vebeenfoolishenoughtobelieveyou.”

“That’sputtingitalittlecrudely.Whathappensis—”

“Well,allIcansayis,youknowaverysillylotofpeople.”

“Whathappensisthatwhenthemahoganyhasbeenclearedofitspolishedsilverandchoicenapery,andwineofarareoldvintageiscirculatingfromhandtohand—”

“Iftheywantedtotakeanynoticeofyouatall,theycouldhavegivenyouabreadpoulticeandsentyoutobed.”

“Then,asweimpatientlybitetheendsoffourpricelessHavanas—”

“Theymightknowthatyoucouldn’tpossiblyhavehay-fever.”

IsatupsuddenlyandspoketoBeatrice.

“WhyonearthSHOULDN’TIhavehay-fever?”Idemanded.“Haveyouanyideawhathay-feveris?IsupposeyouthinkIoughttoberunningaboutwildly,tryingtoeathay—oryappingandshowinganunaccountableaversionfromdriedgrass?Itakeitthattherearegradesofhay-fever,asthereareofeverythingelse.Ihaveitatpresentinamildform.Insteadofbeingthankfulthatitisnoworse,you—”

“Mydearboy,hay-feverisathingpeoplehavealltheirlives,anditcomesoneverysummer.You’veneverevenpretendedtohaveitbeforethisyear.”

“Yes,butyoumuststartSOMEtime.I’malittlebackward,perhaps.Justbecausethereareafewinfantprodigiesabout,don’tdespiseme.InayearortwoIshallbeasregularastherestofthem.”AndIsneezedagain.

Beatricegotupwithanairofdecisionandlefttheroom.ForamomentIthoughtshewasangryandhadgoneforapoliceman,butastheminuteswentbyandshedidn’treturnIbegantofearthatshemighthaveleftthehouseforgood.IwaswonderinghowIshouldbreakthenewstoherhusbandwhen,tomyrelief,shecameinagain.

“Youmayberight,”shesaid,puttingdownasmallpackageandunpinningherhat.“Trythis.Thechemistsaysit’sthebesthay-fevercurethereis.”

“It’sinalotoflanguages,”IsaidasItookthewrapperoff.“IsupposeGermanhayisthesameasanyothersortofhay?Oh,hereitisinEnglish.Isay,thisisawhat-d’-you-call-itcure.”

“Sothemansaid.”

“Homeopathic.It’smadefromthepollenthatcauseshay-fever.Yes.Ah,yes.”IcoughedslightlyandlookedatBeatriceoutofthecornerofmyeye.“Isuppose,”Isaidcarelessly,“ifanybodytookthiswhoHADN’Tgothay-fever,theresultsmightberather—Imeanthathemightthenfindthathe-infact,er—HADgotit.”

“Sureto,”saidBeatrice.

“Yes.Thatmakesusalittlethoughtful;wedon’twanttoover-dothisthing.”I

“Yes.Thatmakesusalittlethoughtful;wedon’twanttoover-dothisthing.”Iwentonreadingtheinstructions.“Youknow,it’sratheroddaboutmyhay-fever—it’sgenerallyworseintownthaninthecountry.”

“Butthenyoustartedsolate,dear.Youhaven’treallygotintotheswingofityet.”

“Yes,butstill—youknow,Ihavemydoubtsaboutthegentlemanwhoinventedthis.Wedon’tseeeyetoeyeinthismatter.Beatrice,youmayberight—perhapsIhaven’tgothay-fever.”

“Oh,don’tgiveup.”

“ButallthesameIknowI’vegotsomething.It’safunnythingaboutmybeingworseintownthaninthecountry.Thatlooksratherasif—ByJove,Iknowwhatitis—I’vegotjusttheoppositeofhay-fever.”

“Whatistheoppositeofhay?”

“Why,bricksandthings.”

Igavealastsneezeandbegantowrapupthecure.

“Takethispollenstuffback,”IsaidtoBeatrice,“andaskthemanifhe’sgotanythinghomoeopathicmadefrompaving-stones.Because,youknow,that’swhatIreallywant.”

“YouHAVEgotacold,”saidBeatrice.

AMODERNCINDERELLA

ONCEuponatimetherewasabeautifulgirlwholivedinamansioninParkLanewithhermotherandhertwosistersandacrowdofservants.Cinderella,forthatwashername,wouldhavedearlylovedtohaveemployedherselfaboutthehousesometimes;butwhenevershedidanythinguseful,likearrangingtheflowersorgivingthepugabath,hermotherusedtosay,“Cinderella!WhatDOyouthinkIengageservantsfor?Pleasedon’tmakeyourselfsocommon.”

Cinderella’stwosistersweremucholderandplainerthanherself,andtheirmotherhadalmostgivenuphopeaboutthem,butsheusedtodragCinderellatoballsanddancesnightafternight,takingcarethatonlytherightsortofpersonwasintroducedtoher.ThereweremanynightswhenCinderellawouldhavepreferredabookathomeinfrontofthefire,forshesoonfoundthatherpartners’ideasofwaltzingwereascatholicastheirconversationwaslimited.Itwas,indeed,thisfondnessfortheinglenookthathadearnedherthenameofCinderella.

Oneday,whenshewasinthemiddleofadelightfulstory,hermothercameinsuddenlyandcried:

“Cinderella!Whyaren’tyouresting,asItoldyou?YouknowwearegoingtotheHogbins’to-night.”

“Oh,mother,”pleadedCinderella,“NEEDIgotothedance?”

“Don’tbesoabsurd!Ofcourseyou’regoing!”

“ButI’vegotnothingtowear.”

“I’vetoldJenningswhatyou’retowear.Nowgoandliedown.Iwantyoutolookyourbestto-night,becauseIhearthatyoungMrHogbinisbackagainfromAustralia.”YoungMrHogbinwasnottheKing’sson;hewasthesonofawealthygelatinemanufacturer.

“ThenmayIcomeawayattwelve?”beggedCinderella.

“You’llcomeawaywhenItellyou.”

Cinderellamadeafaceandwentupstairs.“Oh,dear,”shethoughttoherself,“IwishIwereasoldasmytwosisters,andcoulddowhatIliked.I’msureifmygodmotherwerehereshewouldgetmeoffgoing.”But,alas!hergodmotherlivedatLeamington,andCinderella,afteraweekatLeamington,hadleftherthereonlyyesterday.

Cinderellaindeedlookedbeautifulastheystartedfortheball;buthermother,whoheldareviewofherinthedrawing-room,wasnotquitesatisfied.

“Cinderella!”shesaid.“YouknowIsaidyouweretowearthesilverslippers!”

“Oh,mother,theyAREsotight,”pleadedCinderella.“Don’tyourememberItoldyouatthetimetheyweremuchtoosmallforme?”

“Nonsense.Goandputthemonatonce.”

ThedancewasinfullswingwhenCinderellaarrived.Althoughherlovelyappearancecausedseveralofthegueststolookather,theydidnotaskeachothereagerlywhoshewas,formostofthemknewheralreadyasMissPartington-Smith.Abrewer’ssonledherofftodance.

Thenightworeonslowly.OneyoungmanafteranothertrodonCinderella’stoes,trottedincirclesroundher,ranherviolentlybackwardsintosomeotherman,orswoopedwithherintothefireplace.Cinderella,whosefeetseemedmechanicallytoadaptthemselvestotheinterpretationoftheBostonthatwasforminginherpartner’sbrain,boreitfromeachoneaslongasshecould;andthenledthewaytoaquietcorner,wheresheconfessedfranklythatshehadNOTboughtallherChristmaspresentsyet,andthatsheWASgoingtoSwitzerlandforthewinter.

Thegelatinemanufacturer’ssontookherintosupper.ItwasnoticedthatCinderellalookedmuchhappierassoonastheyhadsatdown,andindeedthroughoutthemealshewasinthehighestspirits.ForsomereasonorothersheseemedtofindevenMrHogbinendurable.Butjustastheywereabouttoreturntotheball-roomanexpressionofabsolutedismaycameoverherface.

“Anythingthematter?”saidherpartner.

“N—no,”saidCinderella;butshemadenoefforttomove.

“Well,shallwecome?”

“Well,shallwecome?”

“Y—yes.”

Shewaitedamomentlonger,droppedherfanunderthetable,pickeditupslowly,andfollowedhimout.

“Let’ssitdownhere,”shesaidinthehall;“notupstairs.”

Theysatinsilence;forhehadexhaustedhisstockofquestionsattheendoftheirfirstdance,andhadtoldherallaboutAustraliaduringsupper;whilesheapparentlyhadnodesireforconversationofanykind,beingwrappedupinherthoughts.

“I’llwaithere,”shesaid,asadancebegan.“Ifyouseemother,Iwishyou’dsendhertome.”

Hermothercameupeagerly.

“Well,dear?”shesaid.

“Mother,”saidCinderella,“dotakemehomeatonce.Somethingextraordinaryhashappened.”

“It’syoungMrHogbin!Iknewit!”

“Who?Oh—er—yes,ofcourse.I’lltellyouallaboutitinthecarriage,mother.”

“Ismylittlegirlgoingtobehappy?”

“Idon’tknow,”saidCinderellaanxiously.“There’sjustachance.”

Thechancemusthavecomeoff,for,onceinthecarriage,Cinderellagaveadeepsighofhappiness.

“Well,dear?”saidhermotheragain.

“You’llNEVERguess,mother,”laughedCinderella.“Try.”

“Iguessthatmylittledaughterthinksofrunningawayfromme,”saidhermotherarchly.“AmIright?”

“Oh,howlovely!Why,runningawayissimplytheLASTthingIcoulddo.Look!”Shestretchedoutherfoot-clothedonlyinapalebluestocking.

“Cinderella!”

“ITOLDyoutheyweretootight,”sheexplainedrapidly,“andIwastroddenonbyeverymanintheplace,andIsimplyHADtokickthemoffatsupper,and—andIonlygotoneback.Idon’tknowwhathappenedtotheother;Isupposeitgotpushedalongsomewhere,but,anyhow,Iwasn’tgoingunderthetableafterit.”Shelaughedsuddenlyandsoftlytoherself.“Iwonderwhatthey’lldowhentheyfindtheslipper?”shesaid.

……..

OfcoursetheKing’sson(oranyhow,MrHogbin)oughttohavesentitroundtoalltheladiesinMayfair,takingknightlyoathtomarryherwhomitfitted.Butwhatactuallyhappenedwasthatafootmanfoundit,and,beingverysentimentalandknowingthatnobodywouldeverdaretoclaimit,carrieditaboutwithhimeverafterwards—therebygainingagreatreputationwithhiscroniesasanut.

Oh,andbytheway—Ioughttoputinagoodwordforthegodmother.Shedidherbest.

“Cinderella!”saidhermotheratlunchnextday,asshelookedupfromherletters.“Whydidn’tyoutellmeyourgodmotherwasill?”

“Shewasn’tverywellwhenIlefther,butIdidn’tthinkitwasanythingmuch.Isshebad?IAMsorry.”

“Shewritesthatshehasobtainedmeasles.IsupposethatmeansYOU’REinfectious.Really,it’sveryinconvenient.Well,I’mgladwedidn’tknowyesterdayoryoucouldn’thavegonetothedance.”

“Dearfairygodmother!”saidCinderellatoherself.“Shewasadaytoolate,buthowsweetofhertothinkofitatall!”

ALITERARYLIGHT

ANNESLEYBUPPwasbornoneoftheBuppsofHampshire—theFightingBupps,astheywerecalled.Asuddendeathinthefamilylefthimdestituteattheearlyageofthirty,andhedecidedtotakeseriouslytojournalismforaliving.Thatwastwelveyearsago.HeisnowamemberoftheAuthors’Club;apopularafter-dinnerspeakerinreplytothetoastofLiterature;andoneofthebest-paidwritersinFleetStreet.Who’sWhotellstheworldthathehasaflatatKnightsbridgeandacottageontheriver.Ifyouaskhimtowhatheoweshissuccesshewillassureyou,withtheconsciousmodestyofallgreatmen,thathehasbeenlucky;pressedfurther,thatHardWorkandMethodhavebeenhiswatchwords.Buttotheyoungaspirantheaddsthatofcourseifyouhaveitinyouitisboundtocomeout.

I

WhenAnnesleystartedjournalismherealizedatoncethatitwasnecessaryforhimtospecializeinsomesubject.Ofsuchsubjectstwooccurredtohim—“GeorgeHerbert”and“Trams.”Foratimehehesitated,anditwasonlythesuddenpublicationofabriefbutauthoritativelifeofthepoetwhichledhimfinallytothestudyofoneoftheleastexploredofourtransitsystems.Meanwhilehehadtosupporthimself.Forthispurposeheboughtaroll-topdesk,atypewriter,andanalmanac;heplacedthealmanacontopofthedesk,seatedhimselfatthetypewriter,andbegan.

ItwasthemonthofFebruary;thealmanactoldhimthatitwantedaweektoShroveTuesday.Infourdayshehadwrittenasmanyarticles,entitledrespectivelyShrovetideCustoms,ThePancake,LentenObservances,andTuesdaysKnowntoFame.ThePancake,givingasitdidthecontextofeveryreferenceinliteraturetopancakes,wasthemostscholarlyofthefour;theTuesdayarticle,whichhazardedtheopinionthatRomemayatleasthavebeenbegunonaTuesday,themostdaring.Butallofthemwerepublished.

ThisearlysuccessshowedAnnesleythepossibilitiesofthetopicalarticle;itledhimalsotoconstructarevisedcalendarforhisownuse.Inthe“BuppAlmanac”theeventsofthedaywereputbackafortnight;sothat,iftheFeastofStSimonandStJudefelluponthe17th,Annesley’sattentionwascalledtoituponthe3rd,anduponthe3rdhesurveyedtheFamousPartnershipsoftheepoch.Similarly,TheOriginofLordMayor’sDaywasputinhandonOctober26th.

Hedidnot,however,onlyglorifythepast;currenteventsclaimedtheirmeedofcopy.InthedaysofhisdependenceAnnesleyhadtravelled,sothathecouldwellprovidethelocalcolourforsuchsketchesasKimberleyasIKnewIt(1901)andBirminghambyMoonlight(1903).HisRecollectionsofStPeter’satRomewerehazy,yetsufficienttofurnishanarticlewiththattitleatthetimeoftheCoronation.ButImustconfessthatDashesforthePolecameentirelyfromhisinvaluableEncyclopaedia….

II

AnnesleyBupphaddevotedhimselftoliteraturefortwoyearsbeforehisfirstarticleontramswaswritten.ThiswascalledVoltage,washighlytechnical,andconvincedeveryeditortowhomitwassent(andbywhomitwasreturned)thattheauthorknewhissubjectthoroughly.SowhenhefolloweditupwithHowtobeaTramConductor,hehadthesatisfactionnotonlyofseeingitinprintwithinaweek,butofreadinganeditorialreferencetohimselfas“thenotedexpertonouroverheadsystem.”Twootherarticlesinthesamepaper—SomeCuriousTramAccidentsandTramorBus:Which?—establishedhisposition.

Oncerecognizedastheauthorityontrams,Buppwasneveratalossforasubject.Inthefirstplacetherewerecertainarticles,suchasTramwaysin1904,ProgressofTramwayConstructioninthePastYear,TramwayInventionsoftheLastTwelvemonth,andTheTram:ItsFuturein1905,whichflowedannuallyfromhispen.Fromtimetotimetherewouldarisetheoccasionforthetopicalarticleontrams—TramsasArmyTransportsandHowourTramsfaredduringtheRecentSnow,togivetwoobviousexamples.AndalwaystherewasamarketforsuchstaplearticlesasTramsinFiction….

III

Youwillunderstand,then,thatbytheendof1906AnnesleyBupphadareputation;tobeexact,hehadtworeputations.InFleetStreethewasknownasawriteruponwhomasub-editorcoulddepend;afurnisherofwhatgottobecalled“buppy”—matterwhichispaidataslightlyhigherratethanordinarycopy,becausethelengthandqualityofitnevervary.OutsideFleetStreethewasregardedsimplyasaliterarylight;AnnesleyBupp,thefellowwhosenameyousawineverypaper;anacceptedauthor.

Itwasnotsurprising,therefore,thatatthebeginningof1907publicopinionforcedAnnesleyinto(sic)nwerfieldsofliterature.Itdemandedfromhim,amongotherthings,aweeklyreviewofcurrentfictionentitledFiresideFriends.Hewrotethiswithextraordinaryfluency;afewwordsofintroduction,followedbyalargefragmentofthebookbeforehim,pastedbeneaththeline,“Takethis,forinstance.”Anopinionofanykindherarelyventured;anadverseopinion,likeagoodfriend,never.

Aboutthistimehewascommissionedtowritethreeparagraphseachdayforaneveningpaper.Thefirstofthemalwaysbegan:“MrAsquith’sadmissionintheHouseofCommonsyesterdaythathehadneverdonesoandsoisnotwithoutparallel.In1746theelderPitt…”Thesecondalwaysbegan:“MentionoftheelderPittrecallsthefactthat…”Thethirdalwaysbegan:“Itmaynotbegenerallyknown…”

UntilhebegantowritetheseparagraphsAnnesleyBupphadnodefinitepoliticalviews.

IV

AnnesleyBuppisnowatthezenithofhisfame.The“buppy”ofolddayshestillwritesoccasionally,buthenolongersignsitinfull.Amodest“A.B.”inthecorner,supposedbytheignoranttostandfor“ArthurBalfour,”istheonlyevidenceoftheauthor.(Isay“theonlyevidence,”forhehashad,likeallgreatmen,hiscountlessimitators.)Tramsalsohedesertedwiththepublicationofhisgreatworkonthesubject—Tramiana.ButasawriteronLiteratureandOldLondonhehasaEuropeanreputation,andhisrecentbook,IntheTrackofShakespeare:ARecordofaVisittoStratford-on-Avon,creatednolittlestir.

Heisingreatrequestatpublicdinners,wherehisspeechinreplytothetoastofLiteratureiseagerlyattended.

Hecontributestoeverysymposiuminthepopularmagazines.

Itisallthemoretoberegrettedthathisautobiography,TheLastoftheBupps,istobepublishedposthumously.

LITTLEPLAYSFORAMATEURS

“FAIRMISTRESSDOROTHY”

THESCENEISANAPARTMENTINTHEMANSIONOFSirThomasFarthingale.THEREISNONEEDTODESCRIBETHEFURNITUREINIT,ASREHEARSALSWILLGRADUALLYSHOWWHATISWANTED.APICTUREORTWOOFPREVIOUSSirThomas’sMIGHTBESEENONTHEWALLS,IFYOUHAVEANARTISTICFRIENDWHOCOULDARRANGETHIS;BUTITISAMISTAKETOHANGUPYOUROWNANCESTORSASSOMEOFYOURGUESTSMAYRECOGNIZETHEM,ANDTHUSPIERCEBENEATHTHEVRAISEMBLANCEOFTHESCENE.

THEPERIODISTHATOFCROMWELL—SIXTEENSOMETHING.

THECOSTUMESARE,IFPOSSIBLE,OFTHESAMEPERIOD.

MistressDorothyFarthingaleISSEATEDINTHEMIDDLEOFTHESTAGE,READINGALETTERANDOCCASIONALLYSIGHING.

ENTERMyLordCarey.

CAREY.MistressDorothyalone!TrulyFortunesmilesuponme.

DOROTHY(HIDINGTHELETTERQUICKLY).Anshesmiles,mylord,Ineedsmustfrown.

CAREY(USEDTOTHISSORTOFTHINGANDNOLONGERPUTOFFBYIT).Nay,givemebutonesmile,sweetmistress.(SHESIGHSHEAVILY.)Yousigh!Is’tforme?

DOROTHY(FEELINGTHATTHESOONERHEANDTHEAUDIENCEUNDERSTANDTHESITUATIONTHEBETTER).Isighforanother,mylord,whoisabsent.

CAREY(ANNOYED).Zounds,andzoundsagain!

Apestuponthefellow!(Hestridesupanddowntheroom,keepingoutofthewayofhisswordasmuchaspossible.)WouldthatImightpinkthepeskyknave!

knave!

DOROTHY(turninguponhimalookofhate).Wouldthatyoumighthavethechance,mylord,soitwereinfairfighting.MethinksRoger’ssword-armwillnothavelostitscunninginthewars.

CAREY.AtraitortofightagainsthisKing!

DOROTHY.Hefightsforwhathethinksisright.(Shetakesouthisletterandkissesit.)

CAREY(observingtheaction).Youhavealetterfromhim!

DOROTHY(hastilyconcealingit,andturningpale).Howknowyouthat?

CAREY.Giveittome!(Sheshrieksandrises.)Byheavens,madam,Iwillhaveit![Hestruggleswithherandseizesit.

EnterSirThomas.

SIRTHOMAS.Oddslife,mylord,whatmeansthis?

CAREY(straighteninghimself).Itmeans,SirThomas,thatyouharbourarebelwithinyourwalls.MasterRogerDale,traitor,correspondssecretlywithyourdaughter.[Who,Iforgottosay,hasswooned.

SIRTHOMAS(sternly).Givemetheletter.Ay,‘tisRoger’shand,Iknowitwell.(Hereadstheletter,whichisfullofthoughtfulmetaphorsaboutlove,aloudtotheaudience.Suddenlyhiseyebrowsgoupanddowntoexpresssurprise.HeseizesLordCareybythearm.)Ha!Listen!“To-morrow,whenthesunisuponthewesternwindowofthegallery,Iwillbewiththee.”Thevillain!

CAREY(whodoesnotknowthehouseverywell).Whenisthat?

SIRTHOMAS.Why,‘tisnow,forIhavebutrecentlypassedthroughthegalleryanddidmarkthesun.

CAREY(FIERCELY).InthenameoftheKing,SirThomas,Icalluponyoutoarrestthistraitor.

SIRTHOMAS(sighing).Ilovedtheboywell,yet—[HeshrugshisshouldersexpressivelyandgoesoutwithLordCareytocollectsufficientforceforthe

expressivelyandgoesoutwithLordCareytocollectsufficientforceforthearrest.

EnterRogerbyasecretdoor,R.

ROGER.Mylove!

DOROTHY(openinghereyes).Roger!

ROGER.Atlast!

[Forthemomenttheytalkinshortsentenceslikethis.ThenDOROTHYputsherhandtoherbrowasifsheisrememberingsomethinghorrible.

DOROTHY.Roger!NowIremember!Itisnotsafeforyoutostay!

ROGER(verybrave).AmIapulingchildtobeafraid?

DOROTHY.MyLordCareyishere.Hehasreadyourletter.

ROGER.Theblack-livereddog!WouldIhadhimatmysword’spointtoteachhimmanners.

[Heputshishandtohisheartandstaggersintoachair.

DOROTHY.Oh,youarewounded!

ROGER.Faugh,‘tisbutascratch.AmIapuling—

[Hefaints.Shebindsuphisankle.

EnterLordCareywithtwosoldiers.

CAREY.Arrestthistraitor!(ROGERisledawaybythesoldiers.)

Dorothy(stretchingoutherhandstohim).Roger!(Shesinksintoachair.)

Carey(choosingquitethewrongmomentforaproposal).Dorothy,Iloveyou!Thinknomoreofthistraitor,forhewillsurelyhang.‘Tisyourfather’swishthatyouandIshouldwed.

Dorothy(refusinghim).Go,lestIcallinthegroomstowhipyou.

Dorothy(refusinghim).Go,lestIcallinthegroomstowhipyou.

Carey.Byheaven—(thinkingbetterofit)Igotofetchyourfather.

[Exit.

EnterRogerbysecretdoor,L.

Dorothy.Roger!Youhaveescaped!

Roger.Knowestnotthesecretpassagefromthewinecellar,wherewesooftenplayedaschildren?‘Twasinthatsamecellarthethick-skulledknavesimmuredme.

Dorothy.Roger,youmustfly!Wiltwearacloakofminetoeludeourenemies?

Roger(missingthepointrather).Nay,ifIdie,letmedielikeaman,notlikeapulinggirl.Yet,sweetheart—

EnterLordCareybyordinarydoor.

Carey(forgettinghimselfinhisconfusion).Oddsmyzounds,dodsinkme!Whatmurrainisthis?

Roger(seizingSirThomas’ssword,whichhadbeenaccidentallyleftbehindonthetable,asIoughttohavesaidbefore,andadvancingthreateningly).Itmeans,mylord,thatavillain’stimehascome.Wiltsayaprayer?

[Theyfight,andCareyisdisarmedbeforetheycanhurteachother.

Carey(dyinggame).Strike,MasterDale!

Roger.Nay,Icannotkillincoldblood.

[Hethrowsdownhissword.LordCareyexhibitsconsiderableemotionatthis,anddecidestoturnoveranentirelynewleaf.

Entertwosoldiers.

Carey.Arrestthatman!(Rogerisseizedagain.)MistressDorothy,itisforyoutosaywhatshallbedonewiththeprisoner.

Dorothy(standingupifshewassittingdown,andsittingdownifshewasstandingup).Ah,givehimtome,mylord!

Carey(joiningthehandsofRogerandDorothy).Itrusttoyou,sweetmistress,toseethattheprisonerdoesnotescapeagain.

[DorothyandRogerembraceeachother,iftheycandoitwithoutcausingascandalintheneighbourhood,andthecurtaingoesdown.

“ASLIGHTMISUNDERSTANDING”

Thesceneisadrawing-room(inwhichthemenareallowedtosmoke—orasmoking-roominwhichthewomenareallowedtodraw—itdoesn’tmuchmatter)inthehouseofsomebodyorotherinthecountry.GeorgeTurnbullandhisoldCollegefriend,HenryPeterson,areconfidingineachother,asoldfriendswill,overtheirwhiskiesandcigars.Itisaboutthreeo’clockintheafternoon.

George(dreamilyhelpinghimselftoastiffsoda).Henry,doyourememberthateveningatChristChurchCollege,Oxford,fiveyearsago,whenweopenedourheartstoeachother…

Henry(lightingacigarandhidingitinafern-pot).ThatmoonlighteveningontheBacks,George,whenIhadfailedinmyMatriculationexamination?

George.Yes;andwepromisedthatwheneitherofusfellinlovetheothershouldbethefirsttohearofit?(Risingsolemnly.)Henry,themomenthascome.(Withshiningeyes.)Iaminlove.

Henry(jumpingupandgraspinghimbybothhands).George!MydearoldGeorge!(Inavoicebrokenwithemotion.)Blessyou,George!

[Hepatshimthoughtfullyonthebackthreetimes,nodshisownheadtwice,giveshimafinalgripofthehand,andreturnstohischair.

George(moremovedbythisthanhecarestoshow).Thankyou,Henry.(Hoarsely.)You’reagoodfellow.

Henry(airily,withatypicallyBritishdesiretoconcealhisemotion).Whoistheluckylittlelady?

George(takingoutapicturepostcardoftheBritishMuseumandkissingitpassionately).IsobelBarley!

[IfHenryisnotcarefulhewillprobablygiveastartofsurprisehere,withtheideaofsuggestingtotheaudiencethathe(1)knowssomethingaboutthelady’spast,or(2)isinlovewithherhimself.Heis,however,thinkingofadifferentplay.Weshallcometothatoneinamoment.

Henry(inaslightlydashingmanner).LittleIsobel?Luckydog!

George.IwishIcouldthinkso.(Sighs.)ButIhaveyettoapproachher,andshemaybeanother’s.(Fiercely.)Heavens,Henry,ifsheshouldbeanother’s!

EnterIsobel.

Isobel(brightly).SoI’verunyoutoearthatlast.Now,whathaveyougottosayforyourselves?

Henry(likeaman).ByJove!(lookingathiswatch)—Ihadnoidea—isitreally—pooroldJoe—waiting—

[Dashesouttactfullyinastateofincoherence.

George(risingandleadingIsobeltothefrontofthestage).MissBarley,nowthatwearealone,IhavesomethingIwanttosaytoyou.

Isobel(lookingatherwatch).Well,youmustbequick.BecauseI’mengaged—

[Georgedropsherhandandstaggersawayfromher.

Isobel.Why,what’sthematter?

George(totheaudience,inavoiceexpressingtheverydeepsofemotion).Engaged!Sheisengaged!Iamtoolate!

[Hesinksintoachairandcovershisfacewithhishands.

Isobel(surprised).MrTurnbull!Whathashappened?

George(wavingherawaywithonehand).Go!Leaveme!Icanbearthisbestalone.(ExitIsobel.)Mercifulheavens,sheisplightedtoanother!

EnterHenry.

Henry(eagerly).Well,oldman?

George(raisingafacewhitewithmisery—thatistosay,ifhehasrememberedtoputtheFrenchchalkinthepalmsofhishands).Henry,Iamtoolate!Sheisanother’s!

Henry(insurprise).Whose?

George(withdignity).Ididnotaskher.Itisnothingtome.Good-bye,Henry.Bekindtoher.

Henry.Why,whereareyougoing?

George(firmly).TotheRockyMountains.Ishallshootsomebears.Grizzlyones.ItmaybethatthusIshallforgetmygrief.

Henry(afterapause).Perhapsyouareright,George.WhatshallItell—her?

George.Tellher—nothing.Butshouldanything(feelingcasuallyinhispockets)happentome—if(goingoverthemagainquickly)Idonotcomeback,then(searchingthemall,includingthewaistcoatones,indesperatehaste),giveher—giveher—giveher(triumphantlybringinghishandkerchiefoutofthelastpocket)this,andsaythatmylastthoughtwasofher.Good-bye,myoldfriend.Good-bye.

[ExittoRockyMountains.

EnterIsobel.

Isabel.Why,where’sMrTurnbull?

Henry(sadly).He’sgone.

Isabel.Gone?Where?

Henry.TotheRockyMountains—toshootbears.(Feelingthatsomefurtherexplanationisneeded.)Grizzlyones.

explanationisneeded.)Grizzlyones.

Isobel.ButhewasHEREamomentago.

Henry.Yes,he’sonlyJUSTgone.

Isobel.Whydidn’thesaygood-bye?(Eagerly.)Butperhapsheleftamessageforme?(Henryshakeshishead.)Nothing?(Henrybowssilentlyandleavestheroom.)Oh!(Shegivesacryandthrowsherselfonthesofa.)AndIlovedhim!George,George,whydidn’tyouspeak?

EnterGeorgehurriedly.HeisfullydressedforashootingexpeditionintheRockyMountains,andcarriesarifleunderhisarm.

George(totheaudience).Ihavejustcomebackformypocket-handkerchief.Imusthavedroppeditinheresomewhere.(Hebeginstosearchforit,andintheordinarycourseofthingscomesuponIsobelonthesofa.Heputshisrifledowncarefullyonatable,withthemuzzlepointingattheprompterratherthanattheaudience,andstaggersback.)Mercifulheavens!Isobel!Dead!(Hefallsonhiskneesbesidethesofa.)Mylove,speaktome!

Isobel(softly).George!

George.Sheisalive!Isobel!

Isobel.Don’tgo,George!

George.Mydear,Iloveyou!ButwhenIheardthatyouwereanother’s,honourcompelledme—

Isobel(sittingupquickly).Whatdoyoumeanbyanother’s?

George.Yousaidyouwereengaged!

Isobel(suddenlyrealizinghowthedreadfulmisunderstandingarosewhichnearlywreckedtwolives).ButIonlymeantIwasengagedtoplaytenniswithLadyCarbrook!

George.WhatafoolIhavebeen!(Hehurriesonbeforetheaudiencecanassent.)Then,Isobel,youWILLbemine?

Isobel.Yes,George.Andyouwon’tgoandshootnastybears,willyou,dear?

Isobel.Yes,George.Andyouwon’tgoandshootnastybears,willyou,dear?Notevengrizzlyones?

George(takingherinhisarms).Never,darling.Thatwasonly(turningtotheaudiencewiththeairofonewhoismakinghisbestpoint)ASlightMisunderstanding.

CURTAIN.

“MISSPRENDERGAST”

Asthecurtaingoesuptwoladiesarediscoveredinthemorning-roomofHoneysuckleLodgeengagedinworkofafemininenature.MissAlicePrendergastisdoingsomethingdelicatewithacrochet-hook,butitisobviousthatherthoughtsarefaraway.Shesighsatintervals,andoccasionallylaysdownherworkandpressesbothhandstoherheart.Asympatheticaudiencewillhavenodifficultyinguessingthatsheisinlove.Ontheotherhand,hereldersister,MissPrendergast,iscompletelywrappedupinasockforoneofthepoorerclasses,overwhichshefrownsformidably.Thesock,however,hasnorealbearingupontheplot,andshemustnotmaketoomuchofit.

Alice(hidingheremotions).Didyouhaveapleasantdinner-partylastnight,Jane?

Jane(toherself).Seventeen,eighteen,nineteen,twenty.(Lookingup.)Verypleasantindeed,Alice.TheBlizzardswerethere,andthePodbys,andtheSlumphs.(Thesepeoplearenotimportantandshouldnotbeover-emphasized.)MrsPodby’smaidhasgivennotice.

Alice.Whotookyouin?

Jane(brighteningup).Suchaninterestingman,mydear.HetalkedmostagreeablyaboutArtduringdinner,andwerenewedtheconversationinthedrawing-room.WefoundthatweagreeduponallthemainprinciplesofArt,consideredassuch.

Alice(withalookinhereyeswhichshowsthatsheisrecallingatender

Alice(withalookinhereyeswhichshowsthatsheisrecallingatendermemory).WhenIwasinShropshirelastweek—Whatwasyourman’sname?

Jane(withawarningglanceattheaudience).Youknowhowdifficultitistocatchnameswhenoneisintroduced.Iamcertainheneverheardmine.(Astheplotdependspartlyuponthis,shepausesforittosinkin.)ButIinquiredabouthimafterwards,andIfindthatheisaMr—

EnterMary,theParlour-maid.

Mary(handingletter).Aletterforyou,miss.

Jane(takingit).Thankyou,Mary.(ExitMarytoworkuphernextline.)Aletter!Iwonderwhoitisfrom!(Readingtheenvelope.)“MissPrendergast,HoneysuckleLodge.”(Sheopensitwiththeairofonewhohasoftenreceivedlettersbefore,butfeelsthatthisonemayplayanimportantpartinherlife.)“DearMissPrendergast,IhopeyouwillpardonthepresumptionofwhatIamabouttowritetoyou,butwhetheryoupardonmeornot,Iaskyoutolistentome.IknowofnowomanforwhosetalentsIhaveagreateradmiration,orforwhosequalitiesIhaveamoresincereaffectionthanyourself.SinceIhaveknownyou,youhavebeenthelodestarofmyexistence,thefountainofmyinspiration.Ifeelthat,wereyourlifejoinedtomine,thejointpathuponwhichwetrodwouldbethepathtohappiness,suchasIhaveasyethardlydaredtodreamof.Inshort,dearMissPrendergast,Iaskyoutomarryme,andIwillcomeinpersonformyanswer.Yourstruly—”(Inavoiceofintensesurprise)“Jas.Bootle!”

[Attheword“Bootle,”awaveofwarmcolourrushesoverAliceanddyesherfromnecktobrow.Ifsheisnotanactressofsufficientcalibretoensurethis,shemustdothebestshecanbystartingabruptlyandputtingherhandtoherthroat.

Alice(aside,inachokingvoice).MrBootle!InlovewithJane!

Jane.Mydear!Themanwhotookmedowntodinner!Well!

Alice(pickingupherworkagainandtryingtobecalm).Whatwillyousay?

Jane(ratherpleasedwithherself).Well,really—I—thisis—MrBootle!Fancy!

Alice(startingup).Wasthataring?(Shefrownsattheprompterandabellisheardtoring.)ItisMrBootle!Iknowhisring,ImeanIknow—Dear,IthinkIwillgoandliedown.Ihaveaheadache.

willgoandliedown.Ihaveaheadache.

[Shelooksmiserablyattheaudience,closeshereyes,andgoesoffwithherhandkerchieftohermouth,takingcarenottofalloverthefurniture.

EnterMary,followedbyJamesBootle.

Mary.MrBootle.(Exitfinally.)

Jane.Good-morning,MrBootle!

Bootle.Ibeg—Ithought—Why,ofcourse!It’sMiss—er-h’m,yes—Howdoyoudo?Didyougetbacksafelylastnight?

Jane.Yes,thankyou,(Coyly.)Igotyourletter.

Bootle.Myletter?(Seeshisletteronthetable.Furiously.)Youopenedmyletter!

Jane(mistakinghisfuryforpassion).Yes—James.And(lookingdownontheground)theansweris“Yes.”

Bootle(realizingthesituation).ByGeorge!

(Aside.)Ihaveproposedtothewronglady!Tchck!

Jane.Youmaykissme,James.

Bootle.Haveyouasister?

Jane(missingtheconnection).Yes,Ihaveayoungersister,Alice.(Coldly.)ButIhardlysee—

Bootle(beginningtounderstandhowhemadethemistake).Ayoungersister!ThenyouareMissPrendergast?Andmyletter—Ah!

EnterAlice.

Alice.Youarewanted,Jane,amoment.

Jane.Willyouexcuseme,MrBootle?[Exit.

Bootle(toAlice,asshefollowshersisterout).Don’tgo!

Alice(wanly—ifsheknowshow).AmItostayandcongratulateyou?

Bootle.Alice!(Theyapproachthefootlights,whileJane,havingfinishedherbusiness,comesinunobservedandwatchesfromtheback.)Itisallamistake!Ididn’tknowyourChristianname—Ididn’tknowyouhadasister.TheletterIaddressedtoMissPrendergastImeantforMissAlicePrendergast.

Alice.James!Mylove!Butwhatcanwedo?

Bootle(gloomily).Nothing.AsamanofhonourIcannotwithdraw.Sotwolivesareruined!

Alice.Youareright,James.Janemustneverknow.Good-bye!

[Theygiveeachotherafarewellembrace.

Jane(aside).Theylove.(Fiercely.)Butheismine;Iwillholdhimtohispromise!(PickingupaphotographofAliceasasmallchildfromanoccasionaltable.)LittleAlice!AndIpromisedtotakecareofher—toprotectherfromthecruelworldBabyAlice!(Sheputsherhandkerchieftohereyes.)No!Iwillnotspoiltwolives!(Aloud.)Why“Good-bye,”Alice?

[BootleandAlice,whohavebeenembracingallthistime—unlesstheycanthinkofsomethingelsetodo—breakawayinsurprise.

Alice.Jane—we—I—

Jane(calmly).DearAlice!Iunderstandperfectly.MrBootlesaidinhislettertoyouthathewascomingforhisanswer,andIseewhatansweryouhavegivenhim.(ToBootle.)YourememberItoldyouitwouldbe“Yes.”Iknowmylittlesister,yousee.

Bootle(tactlessly).But—youtoldmeIcouldkissyou!

Jane(smiling).AndItellyouagainnow.Ibelieveitisusualformentokisstheirsisters-in-law?(Sheoffershercheek.Bootle,whosedayitis,salutesherrespectfully.)Andnow(gaily)perhapsIhadbetterleaveyouyoungpeoplealone!

[Exit,withabackwardlookattheaudienceexpressiveofthefactthatshehasbeenwearingthemask.

Bootle.Alice,thenyouaremine,afterall.

Alice.James!(Theyk—No,perhapsbetternot.Therehasbeenquiteenoughforoneevening.)Andtothinkthatsheknewallthetime!NowIamquite,quitehappy.AndJames—youWILLrememberinfuturethatIamMissALICEPrendergast?

Bootle(gaily).Mydear,IshallonlybeabletorememberthatyouareTheFutureMrsBootle!

CURTAIN.

“ATDEADOFNIGHT”

Thestageisinsemi-darknessasDickTraylethrowsopenthewindowfromoutside,putshiskneeonthesill,andfallscarefullyintothedrawing-roomofBeesteHall.Heisdressedinaknickerbockersuitwitharrowsonit(suchascanalwaysbeborrowedfromafriend),and,tojudgefromthenoiseswhichheemits,isnotinthebestoftraining.Thelightsgoonsuddenly;and,heshouldseizethismomenttostaggertothedoorandturnontheswitch.Thisdone,hesinksintothenearestchairandcloseshiseyes.

Ifhehasbeendancingverylatethenightbeforehemaydropintoapeacefulsleep;inwhichcasetheplayendshere.Otherwise,nosoonerarehiseyesclosedthanheopensthemwithasuddenstartandlooksroundinterror.

Dick(strikingthekeynoteatonce).No,no!Letmeout—Iaminnocent!(Hegivesagaspofreliefasherealizesthesituation.)Free!Itistrue,then!Ihaveescaped!IdreamedthatIwasbackinprisonagain!(Heshuddersandhelpshimselftoalargewhisky-and-soda,whichheswallowsatagulp.)That’sbetter!NowIfeelanewman—themanIwasthreeyearsago.Threeyears!Ithasbeenalifetime!(Patheticallytotheaudience.)WhereisMillicentnow?

[Hefallsintoareverie,fromwhichheissuddenlywakenedbyanoiseoutside.

[Hefallsintoareverie,fromwhichheissuddenlywakenedbyanoiseoutside.Hestarts,andthencreepsrapidlytotheswitch,arrivingthereatthemomentwhenthelightsgoout.Thencehegoesswiftlybehindthewindowcurtain.ThelightsgoupagainasJasperBeestecomesinwitharevolverinonehandandabull’s-eyelanternofapparentlyenormouscandle-powerintheother.

Jasper(inimmaculateeveningdress).IthoughtIheardanoise,soIslippedonsomeoldthingshurriedlyandcamedown.(Fingeringhisperfectly-tiedtie.)Butthereseemstobenobodyhere.(Turnsroundsuddenlytothewindow.)Ha,who’sthere?Handsup,blowyou—(Heoughttoswearratherbadlyhere,really)—handsup,orIfire!

[Thestageissuddenlyplungedintodarkness,thereisthenoiseofastruggle,andthelightsgoontorevealJasperbythedoorcoveringDickwithhisrevolver.

Jasper.Let’shavealittlelightonyou.(Brutally.)Nowthen,myman,whathaveyougottosayforyourself?Ha!Anescapedconvict,eh?

Dick(tohimselfinamazement).JasperBeeste!

Jasper.Soyouknowmyname?

Dick(inthetonesofamanwhosewholelifehasbeenblightedbythemachinationsofafalsefriend).Yes,JasperBeeste,Iknowyourname.FortwoyearsIhavesaidittomyselfeverynight,whenIprayedHeaventhatIshouldmeetyouagain.

Jasper.Again?(Uneasily.)Wehavemetbefore?

Dick(slowly).Wehavemetbefore,JasperBeeste.SincethenIhavelivedalifetimeofmisery.Youmaywellfailtorecognizeme.

EnterMillicentWilsdon—inadressing-gown,withherhairoverhershoulders,ifthecountywillstandit.

Millicent(toJasper).Icouldn’tsleep—Iheardanoise—I—(suddenlyseeingtheother)Dick!(Shetrembles.)

Dick.Millicent!(Hetremblestoo.)

Jasper.Trayle!(Sodoeshe.)

Dick(bitterly).Youshrinkfromme,Millicent.(Withstrongcommonsense.)WhatisanescapedconvicttothebeautifulMissWilsdon?

Millicent.Dick—I—you—whenyouweresentenced—

Dick.WhenIwassentenced—theevidencewasblackagainstme,Iadmit—Iwroteandreleasedyoufromyourengagement.Youaremarriednow?

Millicent(throwingherselfonthesofa).Oh,Dick!

Jasper(recoveringhimself).Enoughofthis.MissWilsdonisgoingtomarrymeto-morrow.

Dick.TomarryYOU!(HestridesovertothesofaandpullsMillicenttoherfeet.)Millicent,lookmeintheeyes!Doyoulovehim?(Sheturnsaway.)Say“Yes,”andIwillgobackquietlytomyprison.(Sheraiseshereyestohis.)Ha!Ithoughtso!Youdon’tlovehim!NowthenIcanspeak.

Jasper(advancingthreateningly).Yes,toyourfriendsthewarders.Millicent,ringthebell.

Dick(wrestingtherevolverfromhisgrasp).Ha,wouldyou?Nowstandoverthereandlistentome.(Hearrangeshisaudience,Millicentonasofaontheright,Jasper,bitinghisfinger-nails,ontheleft.)ThreeyearsagoLadyWilsdon’sdiamondnecklacewasstolen.Myflatwassearchedandthenecklacewasfoundinmyhatbox.AlthoughIprotestedmyinnocence,Iwastried,foundguilty,andsentencedtotenyears’penalservitude,followedbyfifteenyears’policesupervision.

Millicent(raisingherselfonthesofa).Dick,youwereinnocent—Iknowit.(Shefallsbackagain.)

Dick.Iwas.ButhowcouldIproveit?Iwenttoprison.Forayearblackdespairgnawedatmyheart.Andthensomethinghappened.Theprisonerinthecellnexttominetriedtocommunicatewithmebymeansoftaps.Wesoonarrangedasystemandheldconversationstogether.Onedayhetoldmeofarobberyinwhichheandanothermanhadbeenengaged—therobberyofadiamondnecklace.

Jasper(jauntily).Well?

Dick(sternly).Adiamondnecklace,JasperBeeste,whichtheothermanhidinthehatboxofanothermaninorderthathemightwootheotherman’sfiancee!(Millicentshrieks.)

Jasper(blusteringly).Bah!

Dick(quietly).Themaninthecellnexttominewantstomeetthisgentlemanagain.Itseemsthathehassomeoldscorestopayoff.

Jasper(sneeringly).Andwhereishe?

Dick.Ah,whereishe?(Hegoestothewindowandgivesalowwhistle.AStrangerinknickerbockersjumpsinandadvanceswithacrab-likemovement.)Good!hereyouare.AllowmetopresentyoutoMrJasperBeeste.

Jasper(inhorror).Two-toedThomas!Iamundone!

Two-toedThomas(afteraseriesofunintelligiblesnarls).Saytheword,guv’nor,andI’llkillhim.(HeprowlsroundJasperthoughtfully.)

Dick(sternly).Standback!Now,JasperBeeste,whathaveyoutosay?

Jasper(hysterically).Iconfess.Iwillsignanything.Iwillgotoprison.Onlykeepthatmanoffme.

Dick(goinguptoabureauandwritingaloudatincrediblespeed).“I,JasperBeeste,ofBeesteHall,doherebydeclarethatIstoleLadyWilsdon’sdiamondnecklaceandhiditinthehatboxofRichardTrayle;andIfurtherdeclarethatthesaidRichardTrayleisinnocentofanycomplicityintheaffair.”(Advancingwiththepaperandafountainpen.)Sign,please.

[Jaspersigns.Atthismomenttwowardersburstintotheroom.

FirstWarder.Theretheyare!

[HeseizesDick.Two-toedThomasleapsfromthewindow,pursuedbythesecondWarder.Millicentpicksuptheconfessionandadvancesdramatically.

Millicent.Donottouchthatman!Readthis!

[Shehandshimtheconfessionwithanairofsuperbpride.

[Shehandshimtheconfessionwithanairofsuperbpride.

FirstWarder(reading).JasperBeeste!(SlippingapairofhandcuffsonJasper.)Youcomealongwithme,myman.We’vehadoursuspicionsofyouforsometime.(ToMillicent,withanodatDick.)You’lllookafterthatgentleman,miss?

Millicent.Ofcourse!Why,he’sengagedtome.Aren’tyou,Dick?

Dick.Thistime,Millicent,forever!

CURTAIN.

“THELOSTHEIRESS”

Thesceneislaidoutsideavillageinninthatcountyofcuriousdialects,Loamshire.Theinniseasilyindicatedbyaroundtablebearingtwomugsofliquid,whileafallenlogemphasizestheruralnatureofthescene.GafferJargeandGafferWillyumareseatedatthetable,surroundedbyafringeofwhisker,JargebeingslightlymoreofagafferthanWillyum.

Jarge(whomissedhisdinnerthroughnervousnessandhasbeenorderedtosustainhimselfwithsoup—asheputsdownthesteamingmug).Eh,bor,butthisberarebeer.Soitbe.

Willyum(whohadtoomuchdinnerandisnowdraininghissanatogen).Youberight,GafferJarge.Herbemainrarebeer.(Hefeelsuphissleeve,butthinkingbetterofitwipeshismouthwiththebackofhishand.)Mainrarebeer,zoherbe.(Gagging.)Zure-lie.

Jarge.DidIevertell‘ee,bor,aboutt’newsquoireo’theseparts—himwotcumhumyesterdayfromfurrenlands?GafferHenrywora-tellingme.

Willyum(privatelybored).Theedidsttell‘un,lad,sartainsuretheedidst.AndGafferHenry,hedidsttell‘untoo.Buttell‘unagain.Itdumegoodtohear‘un,zoitdu.Zure-lie.

Jarge.Arackunitbeamainqueertale,queerernoranythemwritingchapstellabout.Itworlikethis.(DroppingintoEnglish,inhishurrytogethislongspeech

about.Itworlikethis.(DroppingintoEnglish,inhishurrytogethislongspeechoverbeforeheforgetsit.)TheoldSquirehadadaughterwhodisappearedwhenshewasthreeweeksold,eighteenyearsago.Itwasalwaysthoughtshewasstolenbysomebody,andtheSquirewouldhaveitthatshewasstillalive.WhenhediedayearagohelefttheestateandallhismoneytoadistantcousininAustralia,withtheconditionthatifhedidnotdiscoverthemissingbabywithintwelvemonthseverythingwastogotothehospitals.(Rememberinghissmockandwhiskerswithastart.)Andheredubethelastday,zoitbe,andt’Squoire’sdaughter,herain’tfound.

Willyum(puffingatanewandemptyclaypipe).Zure-lie.(Jarge,atriflejealousofWillyum’sgag,pullsoutasimilarpipe,butsmokesitwiththebowlupsidedowntoshowhisindependence.)T’Squire’sdarter(Jargefrowns),herbain’t(Jargewisheshehadthoughtof“bain’t”)—herbain’tfound.(Thereisadramaticpause,onlybrokenbytheprompter.)HerudbelittleRachel’sagenow,bor?

Jarge(reflectively).Ay,ay.AmainqueerlasslittleRacheldube.Herbain’tlikeoneofus.

Willyum.Herdobethatfondofzoapandwater.(Laughter.)

Jarge(leavingnothingtochance).Happenshemightbearealgrandladybybirth,bor.

EnterRachel,beautifullydressedinthesortofcostumeinwhichonewouldgotoafancy-dressballasavillagemaiden.

Rachel(inthemostexpensiveaccent).NowUncleGeorge(shakingafingerathim),didn’tyoupromisemeyou’dgostraighthome?ItwouldserveyourightifInevertiedyourtieforyouagain.(Shesmilesbrightlyathim.)

Jarge(slappinghisthighinecstasy).Eh,lass,yerdukeepusold‘unsinorder.(Heburstsintoafalsettochuckle,losesthenote,blushesandburieshisheadinhismug.)

Willyum(rising).Usbestbegettin’downalong,Jarge,arackun.

Jarge.Ay,bor,timeuschapswasmoving.Don’t‘ebelong,lass.[Exeunt,limpingheavily.

Rachel(sittingdownonthelog).Dearoldmen!HowIlovethemallinthisvillage!Ihaveknownitallmylife.HowstrangeitisthatIhaveneverhada

village!Ihaveknownitallmylife.HowstrangeitisthatIhaveneverhadafatherormother.SometimesIseemtorememberalifedifferenttothis—alifeinfinehousesandspaciousparks,amongbeautifullydressedpeople(whichissurprising,seeingthatshewasonlythreeweeksoldatthetime;buttheaudiencemustbegivenahintoftheplot),andthenitallfadesawayagain.(Shelooksfixedlyintospace.)

EnterHughFitzhugh,Squire.

Fitzhugh(standingbehindRachel,butmissinghersomehow).Didevermancomeintostrangerinheritance?AwandererinCentralAustralia,Ihearunexpectedlyofmycousin’sdeaththroughanadvertisementinanoldcopyofaSundaynewspaper.Ihastenhome—toolatetosoothehisdyinghours;toolateindeedtoenjoymygoodfortuneformorethanoneshortday.To-morrowImustgiveupalltothehospitals,unlessbysomestrokeofFatethismissinggirlturnsup.(Impatiently.)Pshaw!Sheisdead.(SuddenlyhenoticesRachel.)Byheaven,aprettygirlinthisout-of-the-wayvillage!(Hewalksroundher.)Gad,sheislovely!Hugh,myboy,youareinluck.(Hetakesoffhishat.)Good-evening,mydear!

Rachel(withastart).Good-evening.

Fitzhugh(aside).Sheisadorable.Shecanbenocommonvillagewench.(Aloud.)Doyoulivehere,mygirl?

Rachel.Yes,Ihavealwayslivedhere.(Aside.)Howhandsomeheis.Down,flutteringheart.

Fitzhugh(sittingonthelogbesideher).Andwhoistheluckyvillageladwhoisprivilegedtowoosuchbeauty?

Rachel.Ihavenolover,sir.

Fitzhugh(takingherhand).CanHodgebesoblind?

Rachel(innocently).Areyoumakinglovetome?

Fitzhugh.UponmywordI—(Hegetsupfromthelog,whichisnotreallycomfortable.)Whatisyourname?

Rachel.Rachel.(Sherises.)

Rachel.Rachel.(Sherises.)

Fitzhugh.Itisthemostbeautifulnameintheworld.Rachel,willyoubemywife?

Rachel.Butwehaveknowneachothersuchashorttime!

Fitzhugh(lyingbravely).Wehaveknowneachotherforever.

Rachel.Andyouarearichgentleman,whileI—

Fitzhugh.Agentleman,Ihope,butrich—no.To-morrowIshallbeabeggar.No,notabeggar,ifIhaveyourlove,Rachel.

Rachel(makingaluckyshotathisname).Hugh!(Theyembrace.)

Fitzhugh.Letusplightourtrothhere.See,Igiveyoumyring!

Rachel.AndIgiveyoumine.

[Shetakesonefromtheendofachainwhichisroundherneck,andputsitonhisfinger.Fitzhughlooksatitandstaggersback.

Fitzhugh.Heavens!Theyarethesamering!(Ingreatexcitement.)Child,child,whoareyou?HowcameyoubythecrestoftheFitzhughs?

Rachel.Ah,whoamI?Ineverhadanyparents.Whentheyfoundmetheyfoundthatringonme,andIhavekeptiteversince!

Fitzhugh.Letmelookatyou!Itmustbe!TheSquire’smissingdaughter!

[GaffersJargeandWillyum,havingenteredunobservedatthebacksometimeago,havebeenputtinginalotofheavybyplayuntilwanted.

Jarge(atlast).Lor’bless‘ee,Willyum,ifitbain’tSquirea-kissin’ourRachel!

Willyum.Zoitdube.Heredubegoings-on!Whatwillt’passonsay?

Jarge(struckwithanidea).Zay,bor,don’t‘eezeeazorto’loikenessatweent’maidandt’Squire?

Willyum.Jarge,ifyoubain’tright,lad.Happenshedohavet’samenose!

[Hearingsomething,FitzhughandRachelturnround.

Fitzhugh.Ah,mymen!I’myournewSquire.Doyouknowwhothisis?

Willyum.Why,herdubeourRachel.

Fitzhugh.Onthecontrary,allowmetointroduceyoutoMissFitzhugh,daughterofthelateSquire!

Jarge.Well,thisdubeaday!TothinkofourRachelnow!

Fitzhugh.MYRachelnow.

Rachel(who,itistobehoped,hasbeenamusingherselfsomehowsinceherlastspeech).YourRachelalways!

CURTAIN.

“WILLIAMSMITH,EDITOR”

ThesceneistheEditor’sroomintheofficeofTheLark.Twowallsoftheroomarecompletelyhiddenfromfloortoceilingbymagnificently-boundbooks:thethirdwallatthebackishiddenbyboxesofimmenselyexpensivecigars.Thewindows,ofcourse,areinthefourthwall,which,however,neednotbedescribed,asitisneverquitepracticableonthestage.ThefloorofthisapartmentischastelycoveredwithrugsshotbytheEditorinhistravels,orintheTottenhamCourtRoad;or,insomecases,presentedbyadmiringreadersfromabroad.Thefurnitureisbothelegantandcommodious.

WilliamSmith,Editor,comesin.Heissuperblydressedinafurcoatandanexpensivecigar.Thereisabluepencilbehindhisear,andasheafofwhatwecallintheprofession“typewrittenmanuscripts”underhisarm.Hesitsdownathisdeskandpullsthetelephonetowardshim.

Smith(atthetelephone).Hallo,isthatyou,Jones?…Yes,it’sme.Justcomeupamoment.(Putsdowntelephoneandbeginstoopenhisletters.)

EnterJones,hisfavouritesub-editor.Heisdressedquitecommonly,andiscoveredwithink.Hesalutesrespectfullyashecomesintotheroom.

Jones.Good-afternoon,chief.

Smith.Good-afternoon.Haveacigar?

Jones.Thankyou,chief.

Smith.Haveyouanythingtotellme?

Jones.Thecirculationisstillgoingup,chief.Itwasthreemillionandeightlastweek.

Smith(testily).HowoftenhaveItoldyounottocallme“chief,”exceptwhenthereareladiespresent?Whycan’tyoudowhatyou’retold?

Jones.Sorry,sir,butthefactisthereAREladiespresent.

Smith(fingeringhismoustache).Showthemup.Whoarethey?

Jones.Thereisonlyone.Shesaysshe’stheladywhohasbeenwritingouranonymous“SecretsoftheBoudoir”serieswhichhasmadesuchasensation.

Smith(inamazement).IthoughtyoutoldmeYOUwrotethese.

Jones(simply).Idid.

Smith.Thenwhy—

Jones.ImeanIdidtellyou.Thetruthis,theycameinanonymously,andIthoughttheyweremorelikelytobeacceptedifIsaidIhadwrittenthem.(Withgreatemotion.)Forgiveme,chief,butitwasforthepaper’ssake.(Inmatter-of-facttones.)TherewereoneortwopeculiaritiesofstyleIhadtoalter.Shehadawayof—

Smith(sternly).Howmanychequesforthemhaveyouacceptedforthepaper’ssake?

Jones.Eight.Forathousandpoundseach.

Smith(withtearsinhiseyes).Ifyourmotherweretohearofthis—

Smith(withtearsinhiseyes).Ifyourmotherweretohearofthis—

Jones(sadly).Ah,chief,Ihaveneverhadamother.

Smith(slightlyputout,butrecoveringhimselfquickly).Whatwouldyourfathersay,if—

Jones.Alas,Ihavenorelations.Iwasafoundling.

Smith(nettled).Inthatcase,Ishallcertainlytellthemasterofyourworkhouse.Tothinkthatthereshouldbeathiefinthisoffice!

Jones(withgreatpathos).Chief,chief,Iamnotsovileasthat.Ihavecarefullykeptallthechequesinanoldstocking,and—

Smith(insurprise).Doyouwearstockings?

Jones.WhenIbicycle.Andassoonasthecontributorcomesforward—

Smith(stretchingouthishandandgraspingthatofJones).Mydearboy,forgiveme.Youhavebeenhasty,perhaps,butzealous.Inanycase,yourhonestyisabovesuspicion.Leavemenow.Ihavemuchtothinkof.(Restshisheadonhishands.Then,dreamily.)YOUhaveneverseenyourfather;forthirtyyearsIhavenotseenmywife.…Ah,Arabella!

Jones.Yes,sir.(Ringsbell.)

Smith.SheWOULDsplitherinfinitives.…Wequarrelled.…Sheleftme.…Ihaveneverseenheragain.

Jones(excitedly).Didyousayshesplitherinfinitives?

Smith.Yes.Thatwaswhatledtoourseparation.Why?

Jones.Nothing,only—it’sveryodd.Iwonder—

EnterBoy.

Boy.Didyouring,sir?

Smith.No.Butyoucanshowtheladyup.(ExitBoy.)You’dbetterclearout,Jones.I’llexplaintoheraboutthemoney.

Jones.I’llexplaintoheraboutthemoney.

Jones.Rightyouare,sir.

[Exit.

[Smithleansbackinhischairandstaresinfrontofhim.

Smith(tohimself).Arabella!

EnterBoy,followedbyastylishly-dressedladyofmiddleage.

Boy.MrsRobinson.

[Exit.

[MrsRobinsonstopsshortinthemiddleoftheroomandstaresattheEditor;thenstaggersanddropsontothesofa.

Smith(inwonder).Arabella!

MrsRobinson.William!

[Theyfallintoeachother’sarms.

Arabella.Ihadbeguntoalmostdespair.(Smithwinces.)“Almosttodespair,”Imean,darling.

Smith(withagreateffort).No,no,dear.Youwereright.

Arabella.Howsweetofyoutothinkso,William.

Smith.Yes,yes,it’stheleastIcansay.…Ihavebeenverylonelywithoutyou,dear.…Andnow,whatshallwedo?Shallwegetmarriedagainquietly?

Arabella.Wouldn’tthatbebigamy?

Smith.Ithinknot,butIwillasktheprinter’sreader.Heknowseverything.Yousee,therewillbesuchalottoexplainotherwise.

Arabella.Dear,canyouaffordtomarry?

Smith.Well,mysalaryaseditorisonlytwentythousandayear,butIdoalittle

Smith.Well,mysalaryaseditorisonlytwentythousandayear,butIdoalittlereviewingforotherpapers.

Arabella.AndIhave—nothing.HowcanIcometoyouwithoutevenatrousseau?

Smith.Yes,that’strue.…(Suddenly.)ByJove,though,youhavegotsomething!Youhaveeightthousandpounds!Weoweyouthatforyourarticles.(Withareturntohisprofessionalmanner.)DidItellyouhowgreatlyweallappreciatedthem?(Goestotelephone.)Isthatyou,Jones?Justcomehereamoment.(ToArabella.)Jonesismysub-editor;heiskeepingyourmoneyforyou.

EnterJones.

Jones(producinganoldstocking).I’vejustbeenroundtomyroomstogetthatmoney—(seesArabella)—oh,Ibegyourpardon.

Smith(wavinganintroduction).MrsSmith—mywife.Thisisoursub-editor,dear—MrJones.(Arabellaputsherhandtoherheartandseemsabouttofaint.)Why,what’sthematter?

Arabella(hoarsely).Wheredidyougetthatstocking?

Smith(pleasantly).It’sonehewearswhenhegoesbicycling.

Jones.No;Imisledyouthisafternoon,chief.ThisstockingwasalltheluggageIhadwhenIfirstenteredtheLeamingtonworkhouse.

Arabella(throwingherselfintohisarms).Myson!Thisisyourfather!William—ourboy!

Smith(shakinghandswithJones).Howareyou.Isay,Arabella,thenthatwasoneofMYstockings?

Arabella(toherboy).WhenIsawyouonthestairsyouseemedtodimlyremindme—

Jones.Toremindyoudimly,mother.

Smith.No,myboy.Infuture,nothingbutsplitinfinitiveswillappearinour

Smith.No,myboy.Infuture,nothingbutsplitinfinitiveswillappearinourpaper.Pleaserememberthat.

Jones(withemotion).Iwillendeavourtoalwaysrememberit,dad.

CURTAIN.

ACHAPTEROFACCIDENTS

Johnwalkedeightmilesoverthecliffstothenearesttowninordertobuytobacco.HecamebacktothefarmhousewithnotobaccoandthenewsthathehadmetsomefriendsinthetownwhohadinvitedustodinnerandBridgethenextevening.

“Butthat’snoreasonwhyyoushouldhaveforgottenthetobacco,”Isaid.

“Onecan’tremembereverything.Iacceptedforbothofus.Weneedn’tdress.Putonthatniceblueflannelsuitofyours—”

“Andthatnicepairofclimbingbootswiththenails—”

“Isthatallyou’vegot?”

“AllI’mgoingtowalkeightmilesinonamuddypath.”

“Thenweshallhavetotakeabagwithus.Andwecanputinpyjamasandstaythenightatanhotel;itwillsaveuswalkingbackinthedark.Wedon’twanttoloseyouoverthecliff.”

Itookoutacigar.

“Thisisthelast,”Isaid.“If,insteadofwanderingaboutandcollectinginvitations,youhadonlyremembered—Shallwecutituporsmokehalfeach?”

“Call,”saidJohn,bringingoutapenny.“Headsitis.Youbegin.”

Istruckamatchandbegan.

…..

Nextday,afterlunch,Johnbroughtouthislittlebrownbag.

Nextday,afterlunch,Johnbroughtouthislittlebrownbag.

“Itwon’tbeveryheavy,”hesaid,“andwecancarryitinturns.Anhoureach.”

“Idon’tthinkthat’squitefair,”Isaid.“Afterall,it’sYOURbag.Ifyoutakeitforanhourandahalf,Idon’tmindtakingtheotherhalf.”

“Yourshoesareheavierthanmine,anyhow.”

“Mypyjamasweighless.Suchalightblueastheyare.”

“Ah,butmytoothbrushhaslostsevenbristles.Thatmakesadifference.”

“WhatIsayis,leteverymancarryhisownbag.Thisisarottenbusiness,John.Idon’twishtobeanythingbutpolite,butforasillyasscommendmetotheownerofthatbrownthing.”

Johntooknonoticeandwentonpacking.

“Ishallbuyacollarinthetown,”hesaid.

“Betterletmedoitforyou.Youwouldonlygogettinganinvitationtoagarden-partyfromthehaberdasher.Andthatwouldmeananothereightmileswithaportmanteau.”

“Thereweare,”saidJohn,asheclosedthebag,“quitesmallandlight.Now,who’lltakethefirsthour?”

“We’dbettertoss,ifyou’requitesureyouwon’tcarryitalltheway.Tails.Justmyluck.”

Johnlookedoutofthewindowandthenathiswatch.

“Theysaytwotothreeisthehottesthouroftheday,”hesaid.“Itwillbecoolerlateron.Ishallputyouin.”

Iledthewayupthecliffswiththatwretchedbag.Iinsisteduponthatconditionanyhow—thatthemanwiththebagshouldleadtheway.Iwasn’tgoingtohaveJohndashingoffatsixmilesanhour,andleavinghimselfonlytwomilesattheend.

“Butyoucancomeandtalktome,”Isaidtohimaftertenminutesofit.“Ionly

“Butyoucancomeandtalktome,”Isaidtohimaftertenminutesofit.“IonlymeantthatIwasgoingtosetthepace.”

“No,no,Ilikewatchingyou.Youdoitsogracefully.Thisismyman,”heexplainedtosomechildrenwhowereblackberrying.“Heisjustcarryingmybagoverthecliffsforme.No,heisnotverystrong.”

“Youwait,”Igrowled.

Johnlaughed.“Fiftyminutesmore,”hesaid.Andthenafteralittlesilence,“Ithinkthebag-carryingprofessionisoverrated.Whatmadeyoutakeitup,mylad?Thedrink?Ah,justso.Dear,dear,whatalessontoallofus.”

“There’sagoodtimecoming,”Imurmuredtomyself,andchangedhandsfortheeighthtime.

“Idon’tcarewhatpeoplesay,”saidJohn,argumentatively;“brownandblueDOgotogether.Ifyouwouldn’tmind—”

ForthetenthtimeIrammedthesharpcornerofthebagintothebackofmyknee.

“There,that’swhatImean.Youseeitperfectlylikethat—thebrownagainsttheblueoftheflannel.Thankyouverymuch.”

Istumbledupasteeplittlebitofslipperygrass,andtoldmyselfthatinthree-quartersofanhourIwouldgetsomeofmyownbackagain.Helittleknewhowheavythatbagcouldbecome.

“Theysay,”saidJohntotheheavens,“thatifyouhaveweightsinyourhandsyoucanjumptheselittleeminencesmuchmoreeasily.Isupposeonehandalonedoesn’tdo.Whatapityhedidn’ttellmebefore—Iwouldhavelenthimanotherbagwithpleasure.”

“NobodylikesblackberriesmorethanIdo,”saidJohn.“ButevenIwouldhesitatetocomeouthereonahotafternoonandfillagreatbrownbagwithblackberries,andthencarrythemeightmileshome.Besides,itlooksrathergreedy….Ibegyourpardon,mylad,Ididn’tunderstand.Youaretakingthemhometoyouragedmother?Ofcourse,ofcourse.Verycommendable.IfIhadapenny,Iwouldlendittoyou.No,Ionlyhaveasixpenceonme,andIhavetogivethattothelittlefellowwhoiscarryingmybagoverthecliffsforme….Yes,Ipickedhimupaboutacoupleofmilesback.Hehasmudalluphis

Yes,Ipickedhimupaboutacoupleofmilesback.Hehasmudalluphistrousers,Iknow.”

“Halfanhourmore,”Itoldmyself,andwentondoggedly,myrightshoulderonfire.

“Dear,dear,”hesaidsolicitously,“howlopsidedtheyouthofto-dayisgetting.Toomuchlawn-tennis,Isuppose.Howmuchbetterthesimplyhealthyexercisesofourforefathers;theweightliftingafterlunch,the—”

Hewassilentfortenminutes,andthenbrokeoutrapturouslyoncemore.

“Whataheavenlyday!IAMgladwedidn’tbringabag—itwouldhavespoiltitaltogether.Wecaneasilyborrowsomeslippers,anditwillbejollywalkingbackbymoonlight.Now,ifyouhadhadyourway—”

“Oneminutemore,”Isaidjoyfully;“andoh,myboy,howgladIamwebroughtabag.Whatasplendidideaofyours!Bytheway,youhaven’tsaidmuchlately.Alittletiredbythewalk?”

“ImakeitTWOminutes,”saidJohn.

“Halfaminutenow….There!AndmayInevercarrytheconfoundedthinganotheryard.”

Ithrewthebagdownandfelluponthegrass.Thebagrolledayardortwoaway.Thenitrolledanotheryard,slippedovertheedge,andstartedbouncingdownthecliff.Finallyitleaptawayfromtheearthaltogether,anddroppedtwohundredfeetintothesea.

“MYbag,”saidJohnstupidly.

Andthatdidformealtogether.

“Idon’tcareahangaboutyourbag,”Icried.“AndIdon’tcareahangifI’velostmypyjamasandmybestshoesandmyonlyrazor.AndI’vebeenthroughanhour’storturefornothing,andIdon’tmindthat.Butoh!—tothinkthatyouaren’tgoingtohaveYOURhour—”

“ByJove,neitherIam,”saidJohn,andhesatdownandroaredwithlaughter.

ACROWNOFSORROWS

Thereissomethingonmymind,ofwhichImustrelievemyself.IfIamevertofacetheworldagainwithasmileImustsharemytroublewithothers.Icannotbearmyburdenalone.

Friends,Ihavelostmyhat.Willthegentlemanwhotookitbymistake,andforgottoleavehisowninitsplace,kindlyreturnmyhattomeatonce?

Iamverymiserablewithoutmyhat.Itwasoneofthosenicesoftoneswithadentdownthemiddletocollecttherain;oneofthosesofthatswhichwrapthemselvessolovinglyroundthecraniumthattheyultimatelyabsorbthepersonalityofthewearerunderneath,respondingtohiseveryemotion.Whenpeoplesaidnicethingsaboutmemyhatwouldswellinsympathy;whentheysaidnastythings,orwhenIhadhadmyhaircut,itwouldadaptitselfautomaticallytomylesserrequirements.Inaword,itfitted—andthatismorethancanbesaidforyourhardunyieldingbowler.

MyhatandIdroppedintoahallofmusiconenightlastweek.Iplaceditundertheseat,putacoatonittokeepitwarm,andsettleddowntoenjoymyself.Myhatcouldseenothing,butitknewthatitwouldhearallabouttheentertainmentonthewayhome.Whenthelastmovingpicturehadmovedaway,myhatandIpreparedtodeparttogether.Idrewoutthecoatandfeltaroundformy—Whereonearth…

Iwascalmatfirst.

“Excuseme,”Isaidpolitelytothemannexttome,“buthaveyougottwohats?”

“Several,”hereplied,mistakingmymeaning.

Idivedundertheseatagain,andcameupwithsomemoredust.

“Someone,”Isaidtoaprogrammegirl,“hastakenmyhat.”

“Haveyoulookedundertheseatforit?”sheasked.

ItwassuchasoundsuggestionthatIwentundertheseatforthethirdtime.

ItwassuchasoundsuggestionthatIwentundertheseatforthethirdtime.

“Itmayhavebeenkickedfurtheralong,”suggestedanotherattendant.Shewalkedupanddowntherowlookingforit,and,incasesomebodyhadkickeditintotherowabove,walkedupanddownthatonetoo;and,incasesomebodyhadfoundtouchwithitontheothersideofthehouse,manyothergirlsspreadthemselvesinpursuit;andsoonwehadthewholepackhuntingforit.

Thenthefiremancameup,suspectingtheworst.Itoldhimitwasevenworsethanthat—myhathadbeenstolen.

Hehadaflashofinspiration.

“Areyousureyoubroughtitwithyou?”heasked.

TheprogrammegirlsseemedtothinkthatitwouldsolvethewholemysteryifIhadn’tbroughtitwithme.

“Areyousureyouarethefireman?”Isaidcoldly.

Hethoughtforamoment,andthenunburdenedhimselfofanotheridea.

“Perhapsit’sjustbeenkickedundertheseat,”hesaid.

Ilefthimundertheseatandwentdownstairswithaheavyheart.AtthedoorIsaidtothehallporter,“Haveyouseenanybodygoingoutwithtwohatsbymistake?”

“What’sthematter?”hesaid.“Lostyourhat?”

“Ithasbeenstolen.”

“Haveyoulookedundertheseats?Itmayhavebeenkickedalongabit.”

“PerhapsI’dbetterseethemanager,”Isaid.“IsitanygoodlookingundertheseatsforHIM?”

“Iexpectit’sjustbeenkickedalongabit,”thehallporterrepeatedconfidently.“I’llcomeupwithyouandlookforit.”

“Ifthere’sanymoretalkaboutbeingkickedalongabit,”Isaidbitterly,“somebodyWILLbe.Iwantthemanager.”

“somebodyWILLbe.Iwantthemanager.”

Iwasledtothemanager’sroom,andthereIexplainedthemattertohim.Hewasverypleasantaboutit.

“Iexpectyouhaven’tlookedforitproperly,”hesaid,withacharmingsmile.“Justtakethisgentlemanup,”headdedtothehallporter,“andfindhishatforhim.Ithasprobablybeenkickedunderoneoftheotherseats.”

Weweresmiledirresistiblyout,andIwasdraggeduptothegrandcircleagain.Theseatsbythistimewerelaidoutinwhitedraperies;thehouselookedverydesolate;Iknewthatmypoorhatwasdead.Withanairofcheeryconfidencethehallporterturnedintothefirstrowofseats….

“Itmayhavebeenkickedontothestage,”Isaid,ashebegantoslowdown.“Itmayhavejumpedintooneoftheboxes.Itmayhaveturnedintoarabbit.Youknow,Iexpectyouaren’tlookingforitproperly.”

Themanagerwasextremelysympatheticwhenwecamebacktohim.Hesaid,“Oh,I’msorry.”Justlikethat—“Oh,I’msorry.”

“Myhat,”Isaidfirmly,“hasbeenstolen.”

“I’msorry,”herepeatedwithaboredsmile,andturnedtolookathimselfintheglass.

ThenIbecameangrywithhimandhisattendantsandhiswholeblessedtheatre.

“Myhat,”Isaidbitingly,“hasbeenstolenfromme—whileIslept.”

…….

Youmusthaveseenmewearingitinthedearolddays.Greenybrownitwasincolour;butitwasn’tthecolourthatdrewyoureyestoit—no,noryettheshape,northeangleatwhichitsat.Itwasjusttheessentialrightnessofit.Ifyouhaveeverseenahatwhichyoufeltinstinctivelywasacleverhat,analivehat,aprofoundhat,thenthatwasmyhat—andthatwasmyselfunderneathit.

profoundhat,thenthatwasmyhat—andthatwasmyselfunderneathit.

NAPOLEONATWORK

WhenIaminanydoubtordifficultyIsaytomyself,“WhatwouldNapoleonhavedone?”Theanswergenerallycomesatonce:“HewouldhaveborrowedfromHenry,”or“Hewouldhavesaidhisauntwasill”—theoneobviouslyrightandproperthing.ThenIweighinanddoit.

“Whatstationisthis?”saidBeatrice,asthetrainbegantoslowup.“BabyandIwanttogethome.”

“Whitecroft,Iexpect,”saidJohn,whowasreadingthepaper.“Onlyfourmore.”

“It’sgrownsincewewereherelast,”Iobserved.“Gettingquiteabigplace.”

“Good;thenwe’reatHillstead.Onlythreemorestations.”

Ilookedoutofthewindow,andhadasuddensuspicion.

“WherehaveIheardthenameByresbefore?”Imurmuredthoughtfully.

“Youhaven’t,”saidJohn.“Nobodyhas.”

“Say‘Byres,’baby,”urgedBeatricehappily.

“You’requitesurethatthereisn’tanythingadvertisedcalled‘Byres’?You’resureyoucan’tdrinkByresorrubyourselfdownwithByres?”

“Quite.”

“Well,then,wemustbeATByres.”

TherewasashriekfromBeatrice,assherushedtothewindow.

“We’reinthewrongtrain—Quick!Getthebags!—Haveyougottherug?—Where’stheumbrella?—Openthewindow,stupid!”

Igotupandmovedherfromthedoor.

“Leavethistome,”Isaidcalmly.“Porter!—PORTER!!—PORTER!!!—Oh,guard,whatstation’sthis?”

“Byres,sir.”

“Byres?”

“Yes,sir.”Heblewhiswhistleandthetrainwentonagain.

“AtanyrateweknownowthatitWASByres,”Iremarked,whenthesilencebegantogetoppressive.

“It’sallverywellforyou,”Beatriceburstoutindignantly,“butyoudon’tthinkaboutBaby.Wedon’tknowabitwhereweare—”

“That’stheonethingwedoknow,”Isaid.“We’reatthislittleByresplace.”

“Itwastheporter’sfaultatLiverpoolStreet,”saidJohnconsolingly.“Hetoldusitwasathroughcarriage.”

“Idon’tcarewhosefaultitwas;I’monlythinkingofBaby.”

“Whattimedobabiesgotobedasarule?”Iasked.

“Thisonegoesatsix.”

“Well,then,she’sgotanotherhour.Now,whatwouldNapoleonhavedone?”

“Napoleon,”saidJohn,aftercarefulthought,“wouldhaveturnedallyourclothesoutofyourbag,wouldhaveputthebabyinitdiagonally,andhaveboredholesinthetopforventilation.That’sasgoodasgoingtobed—youavoidtheworstoftheeveningmists.Andpeoplewouldonlythinkyoukeptcaterpillars.”

Beatricelookedathimcoldly.

“That’sawaytotalkofyourdaughter,”shesaidinscorn.

“Don’tkillhim,”Ibegged,“Wemaywanthim.NowI’vegotanotheridea.IfyoulookoutofthewindowyouobservethatweareonaSINGLEline.”

“Well,Ienvyit.And,howeversingleitis,we’regoingawayfromhomeinit.”

“True.Butthepointisthatnotraincancomebackonituntilwe’vestoppedgoingforward.So,yousee,there’snoobjectingettingoutofthistrainuntilithasfinishedfortheday.Probablyitwillgobackitselfbeforelong,outofsheerboredom.Andit’smuchbetterwaitingherethanonadraughtyByresplatform.”

Beatrice,quiteseeingthepoint,changedthesubject.

“There’smytrunkwillgoontoBrookfield,andthewagonettewillmeetthetrain,andaswearen’tthereitwillgoawaywithoutthetrunk,andallbaby’sthingsareinit.”

“She’snotcomplaining,”Isaid.“She’sjustmentioningit.”

“Lookhere,”saidJohnreproachfully,“we’redoingallwecan.We’reboththinkinglikeanything.”Hepickeduphispaperagain.

Iwasbeginningtogetannoyed.Itwas,ofcourse,nogoodtogetasanxiousandexcitedasBeatrice;thatwouldn’thelpmattersatall.Ontheotherhand,theentireindifferenceofJohnandthebabywasequallyoutofplace.ItseemedtomethattherewasamiddleandNapoleonicpathinbetweenthesetwoextremeswhichonlyIwasfollowing.Tobeconvincedthatoneistheonlypersondoingtherightthingisalwaysannoying.

“I’vejustmadeanotherdiscovery,”Isaidinahurtvoice.“There’samapoverJohn’shead,ifhe’donlyhadthesensetolooktherebefore.Thereweare,”andIpointedwithmystick;“there’sByres.ThelinegoesroundandroundandeventuallygoesthroughDearmer.WegetoutatDearmer,andwe’reonlythreemilesfromBrookfield.”

“Whattheycallaloopline,”assistedJohn,“becauseit’sintheshapeofaloop.”

“It’snotsobadasitmightbe,”admittedBeatricegrudgingly,afterstudyingthemap,“butit’sfivemileshomefromDearmer;andwhataboutmytrunk?”

Isighedandpulledoutapencil.

“It’sverysimple.Wewriteatelegram:—

‘Stationmaster,Brookfield.SendwagonetteandtrunktowaitforusatDearmerStation.’”

“Lovetomotherandthechildren,”addedJohn.

Ourtrainstoppedagain.Isummonedaporterandgavehimthetelegram.

“It’ssoabsurdlysimple,”Irepeated,asthetrainwenton.“Justalittlepresenceofmind;that’sall.”

WegotoutatDearmerandgaveupourticketstotheporter-station-master-signalman.

“What’sthis?”hesaid.“Thesearenogoodtome.”

“Well,they’renogoodtous.We’vefinishedwiththem.”

Wesatinthewaiting-roomwithhimforhalfanhourandexplainedthesituation.Wesaidthat,highlyaswethoughtofDearmer,wehadnotwantonlytriedtodefraudtheCompanyinordertogetasightoftheplace;andthat,sofarfromowinghimthreeshillingsapiece,wewerepreparedtotakeasovereigntosaynothingmoreaboutit….Andstillthewagonettedidn’tcome.

“Isthereapost-officehere?”Iaskedtheman.“Orahorse?”

“Theremightbeahorseatthe‘Lion.’There’snopost-office.”

“Well,IsupposeIcouldwiretoBrookfieldStationfromhere?”

“NottoBrookfield.”

“Butsupposingyouwanttotellthestation-mastertherethatthetrain’sofftheline,orthatyou’vewonthefirstprizeattheFlowerShowinthevegetableclass,howwouldyoudoit?”

“Brookfield’snotonthisline.That’swhyyou’vegottopaythreeshill—”

“Yes,yes.Yousaidallthat.ThenIshallgoandexplorethevillage.”

Iexplored,asNapoleonwouldhavedone,andIcamebackwithaplan.

“Thereisnohorse,”Isaidtomyeageraudience;“butIhavefoundabicycle.Thelandladyofthe‘Lion’willbedelightedtolookafterBeatriceandthebaby,andwillgivehertea;Johnwillstayherewiththebagsincasethewagonetteturnsup,andIwillridetoBrookfieldandsummonhelp.”

turnsup,andIwillridetoBrookfieldandsummonhelp.”

“That’sallright,”saidJohn,“onlyIwouldsuggestthatIgotothe‘Lion’andhavetea,andBeatriceandthechild—”

Welefthimindisgustathisselfishness.Iestablishedtheladiesattheinn,mountedthebicycle,androdeoff.Itwasawindyday,andIhadalongcoatandabowlerhat.Afteranextremelyunpleasanttwomilessomethingdrovepastme.Iliftedupmyheadandlookedround.Itwasthewagonette.

Irodebackbehinditintriumph.Whenitturneduptheroadtothestation,Ihurriedstraightontothe“Lion”toprepareBeatrice.Iknocked,andpeeredintorooms,andknockedagain,andatlastthelandladycame.

“Er—isthelady—”

“Oh,she’sgone,sir,alongtimeago.Agentlemansheknewdrovepast,andsheaskedhimtogiveheralifthomeinhistrap.Shewasgoingtotelltheothergentleman,andhe’dwaitforyou.”

“Ohyes.That’sallright.”

Ireturnedmybicycletoitsowner,distributedcopperstohischildren,andwentuptothestation.Theportercameouttomeetme.Heseemedsurprised.

“Thegentlemanthoughtyouwouldn’tbecomingback,sir,asyoudidn’tcomewiththewagonette.”

“Ijustwentuptothe‘Lion’—”

“Yessir.Well,hedroveoffquarterofanhourago;saiditwasnogoodwaitingforyou,asyou’dridestraight‘omewhenyoufoundatBrookfieldthatthewagonette‘adcome.”

AndnowIaskyou—WhatwouldNapoleonhavesaid?

THEPORTUGUESECIGAR

EVERYTHINGpromisedwellformyweek-endwithCharles.Theweatherwaswarmandsunny,Iwasbringingmygolfclubsdownwithme,andIhadjustdiscovered(andmeanttoputintopractice)anentirelynewstancewhichmadeitimpossibletomisstheobjectball.ItwasthisthatIwasexplainingtoCharlesandhiswifeatdinneronFriday,whentheinterruptionoccurred.

“Bytheway,”saidCharles,asItookoutacigarette,“I’vegotacigarforyou.Don’tsmokethatthing.”

“Youhaven’tlethimgoinforcigars?”IsaidreproachfullytoMrsCharles.Icanbeveryfirmaboutotherpeople’sextravagances.

“ThisisoneIpickedupinPortugal,”explainedCharles.“Youcangetthemabsurdlycheapoutthere.Let’ssee,dear;wheredidIputit?”

“Isawitonyourdressing-tablelastweek,”saidhiswife,gettinguptoleaveus.Hefollowedheroutandwentinsearchofit,whileIwaitedwithaninterestwhichImadenoefforttoconceal.IhadneverheardbeforeofamangoingallthewaytoPortugaltobuyonecigarforafriend.

“Hereitis,”saidCharles,cominginagain.Heputdowninfrontofmeanash-tray,thematchesanda—anda—well,asIsay,acigar.Iexamineditslowly.Halfofitlookedverytired.

“Well,”saidCharles,“whatdoyouthinkofit?”

“Whenyousayyou—er—PICKEDITUPinPortugal,”Ibegancarefully,“Isupposeyoudon’tmean—”Istoppedandtriedtobitetheendoff.

“Haveaknife,”saidCharles.

Ihadanotherbite,andthenIdecidedtobefrank.

“WHYdidyoupickitup?”Iasked.

“Thefactwas,”saidCharles,“IfoundmyselfonedayinLisbonwithoutmypipe,andsoIboughtthatthing;Ineversmokethemintheordinaryway.”

“Didyousmokethis?”Iasked.ItwasobviousthatSOMETHINGhadhappenedtoit.

“No,yousee,Ifoundsomecigarettesatthelastmoment,andso,knowingthatyoulikedcigars,IthoughtI’dbringithomeforyou.”

“It’sveryniceofyou,Charles.OfcourseIcanseethatithastravelled.Well,wemustdowhatwecanwithit.”

Itooktheknifeandstartedchippingawayatthemahoganyend.Theotherend—thebrown-paperend,whichhadcomeungummed—Iintendedtoreserveforthematch.WheneverythingwasreadyIappliedalight,leantbackinmychair,andpulled.

“That’sallright,isn’tit?”saidCharles.“Andyou’dbesurprisedifItoldyouwhatIpaidforit.”

“No,no,youmustn’tthinkthat,”Iprotested.“ProbablythingsaredearerinPortugal.”Iputitdownbymyplateforamoment’srest.“AllI’vegotagainstitatpresentisthatitsporesdon’tactasfreelyastheyshould.”

“I’vegotacigar-cuttersomewhere,if—”

“No,don’tbother.IthinkIcandoitwiththenut-crackers.There’snodoubtitwasagoodcigaronce,butithasn’twinteredwell.”

IsqueezeditashardasIcould,lititagain,pressedmyfeetagainstthetableandpulled.

“Nowit’sgoing,”saidCharles.

“I’mafraiditkeepsveryreticentatmyend.Thefollow-throughispoor.Isyourendalightstill?”

“Burningbeautifully.”

“It’sapitythatIshouldbemissingallthat.Howwoulditbeifweweretomakeaknitting-needlered-hot,andboreatunnelfromthisend?Wemightestablishadraughtthatway.Onlythere’salwaysthedanger,ofcourse,ofcomingoutattheside.”

Itookthecigarupandputittomyear.

“Ican’tHEARanythingwrong,”Isaid.“Iexpectwhatitreallywantsismassage.”

Charlesfilledhispipeagainandgotup.“Let’sgoforastroll,”hesaid.“It’sabeautifulnight.Bringyourcigarwithyou.”

“Itmayprefertheopenair,”Isaid.“There’salwaysthat.Youknowwemustn’tlosesightofthefactthatthePortugueseclimateisdifferentfromours.Thething’sporesmayhaveactedmorereadilyintheSouth.Ontheotherhand,theunfastenedendmayhavebeenmoreadhesive.Igatherthatthoughyouhaveneveractuallymetanybodywhohassmokedacigarlikethis,yetyouunderstandthattheexperimentisapracticableone.Asfarasyouknow,thishadnobrothers.No,no,Charles,I’mgoingonwithit,butIshouldliketoknowallthatyoucantellmeofitsparentage.IthadaPortuguesefatherandanAmericanmother,Ishouldsay,andtherehasbeenagooddealoftroubleinthefamily.Onemoment”—andaswewentoutsideIstoppedandcrackeditinthedoor.

Itwasaninspiration.AttheverynextapplicationofthematchIfoundthatIhadestablishedaconnectionwiththelightedend.Notalongandsteadyconnection,butonethatcameingusts.AftertwogustsIdecidedthatitwasperhapssafertoblowfrommyend,andforalittlewhilewehadinthiswayasmuchsmokearoundusasthemostfastidiouscigar-smokercouldwant.ThenIaccidentallydroppedit;somethinginthemiddleofitshifted,Isuppose—andfortherestofmystaybehinditonlyoneendwasatwork.

“Well,”saidCharles,whenwewerebackinthesmoking-room,andIwasgivingthecigarashortbreather,“it’snotabadone,isit?”

“Ihaveenjoyedit,”Isaidtruthfully,forIliketryingtogetthemasteryoverathingthatdefiesme.

“You’llneverguesswhatitcost,”hechuckled.

“Tellme,”Isaid.“Idaren’tguess.”

“Well,inEnglishmoneyitworksoutatexactlythreefarthings.”

Ilookedathimforalongtimeandthenshookmyheadsadly.

“Charles,oldfriend,”Isaid,“you’vebeendone.”

ACOLDWORLD

Herbertisamanwhoknowsallaboutrailwaytickets,andpacking,andbeingintimefortrains,andthingslikethat.ButIfancyIhavetaughthimalessonatlast.Hewon’ttalkquitesomuchaboutticketsinfuture.

Iwasjustthinkingaboutgettingupwhenhecameintomyroom.Helookedatmeinhorror.

“Mydearfellow!”hesaid.“Andyouhaven’tevenpacked!You’llbelate.Here,getup,andI’llpackforyouwhileyoudress.”

“Do,”Isaidbriefly.

“Firstofall,whatclothesareyougoingtotravelin?”

Therewasnohelpforit.Isatupinbedanddirectedoperations.

“Right,”saidHerbert.“Now,whataboutyourreturnticket?Youmustn’tforgetthat.”

“Youremindmeofalittlestory,”Isaid.“I’lltellityouwhileyoupack—thatwillbeniceforyou.OnceuponatimeIlostmyreturnticket,andIhadtopaytwopoundsforanother.AndamonthafterwardsImetaman—amanlikeyouwhoknowsallabouttickets—andhesaid,‘Youcouldhavegotthemoneybackifyouhadappliedatonce.’SoIsaid,‘Givemeacigarettenow,andI’lltransferallmyrightsinthebusinesstoyou.’Andhegavemeacigarette;butunfortunately—”

“Itwastoolate?”

“No.Unfortunatelyitwasn’t.Hegotthetwopounds.ThemostexpensivecigaretteI’veeversmoked.”

“Well,thatjustshowsyou,”saidHerbert.“Here’syourticket.Putitinyourwaistcoatpocketnow.”

“ButIhaven’tgotawaistcoaton,silly.”

“ButIhaven’tgotawaistcoaton,silly.”

“Whichoneareyougoingtoputon?”

“Idon’tknowyet.Thisisamatterwhichrequiresthought.Givemetime,givemeair.”

“Well,Ishallputthetickethereonthedressing-table,andthenyoucan’tmissit.”Helookedathiswatch.“Andthetrapstartsinhalfanhour.”

“Help!”Icried,andIleaptoutofbed.

HalfanhourlaterIwassayinggood-byetoHerbert.

“I’vehadanawfullyjollytime,”Isaid,“andI’llcomeagain.”

“You’vegottheticketallright?”

“Rather!”andIdroveawayamidstcheers.Cheersofsorrow.

Itwashalfanhour’sdrivetothestation.ForthefirsttenminutesIthoughthowsickeningitwastobeleavingthecountry;thenIhadaslightshock;andforthenexttwentyminutesItriedtorememberhowmuchathirdsingletothenearestpartofLondoncost.BecauseIhadleftmyticketonthedressing-tableafterall.

Igavemyluggagetoaporterandwentofftothestation-master.

“Iwonderifyoucanhelpme,”Isaid.“I’veleftmyreturnticketonthedress—Well,weneedn’tworryaboutthat,I’veleftitathome.”

Hedidn’tseemintenselyexcited.

“Whatdidyouthinkofdoing?”heasked.

“IhadratherhopedthatYOUwoulddosomething.”

“Youcanbuyanotherticket,andgetthemoneybackafterwards.”

“Yes,yes;butcanI?I’veonlygotaboutonepoundsix.”

“ThefaretoLondonisonepoundfiveandtenpenceha’penny.”

“Ah;well,thatleavesapennyha’pennytobedividedbetweentheporterthisend,lunch,tea,theportertheotherend,andthecab.Idon’tbelieveit’senough.EvenifIgaveitalltotheporterhere,thinkhowreproachfullyhewouldlookatyoueverafterwards.Itwouldhauntyou.”

Thestation-masterwasevidentlymoved.Hethoughtforamoment,andthenaskedifIknewanybodywhowouldvouchforme.ImentionedHerbertconfidently.HehadneverevenheardofHerbert.

“I’vegotatie-pin,”Isaid(station-mastershaveaweaknessfortie-pins),“andawatchandacigarettecase.Ishallbehappytolendyouanyofthose.”

Theideadidn’tappealtohim.

“Thebestthingyoucando,”hesaid,“istotakeatickettothenextstationandtalktothemthere.Thisisonlyabranchline,andIhavenopowertogiveyouapass.”

SothatwaswhatIhadtodo.Ibegantoseemyselftakingaticketateverystopandappealingtothestation-masteratthenext.Well,themoneywouldlastlongerthatway,butunlessIcouldovercomequicklythedistrustwhichIseemedtoinspireinstation-masterstherewouldnotbemuchleftforlunch.IgavetheporterallIcouldafford—aha’penny,mentionedapologeticallythatIwascomingback,andsteppedintothetrain.

AtthejunctionIjumpedoutquicklyanddivedintothesacredoffice.

“I’veleftmyticketonthedressing—thatistosayIforgot—well,anyhowIhaven’tgotit,”Ibegan,andweplungedintoexplanationsoncemore.Thisstation-masterwasevenmoreunemotionalthanthelast.HeaskedmeifIknewanybodywhocouldvouchforme—ImentionedHerbertdiffidently.HehadneverevenheardofHerbert.Ishowedhimmygoldwatch,mysilvercigarettecase,andmyemeraldanddiamondtie-pin—thatwasthesortofmanIwas.

“Thebestthingyoucando,”hesaid,walkingwithmetothedoor,”istotakeatickettoPlymouthandspeaktothestation-masterthere—”

“Thisisamostinterestinggame,”Isaidbitterly.“Whatis‘home’?Whenyouspeaktothestation-masteratLondon,Isuppose?I’veagoodmindtosay‘Snap!’”

ExtremelyannoyedIstrodeout,andbumpedinto—you’llneverguess—Herbert!

“Ah,hereyouare,”hepanted;“Irodeafteryou—thetrainwasjustgoing—jumpedintoit—beenlookingalloverthestationforyou.”

“It’sawfullyniceofyou,Herbert.Didn’tIsaygood-bye?”

“Yourticket.”Heproducedit.“Leftitonthedressing-table.”Hetookadeepbreath.“Itoldyouyouwould.”

“Blessyou,”Isaid,asIgothappilyintomytrain.“You’vesavedmylife.I’vehadanawfultime.Isay,doyouknow,I’vemettwostation-mastersalreadythismorningwho’veneverevenheardofyou.Youmustinquireintoit.”

Atthatmomentaportercameup.

“Didyougiveupyourticket,sir?”heaskedHerbert.

“Ihadn’ttimetogetone,”saidHerbert,quiteathisease.“I’llpaynow,”andhebegantofeelinhispockets….Thetrainmovedoutofthestation.

AlookofhorrorcameoverHerbert’sface.Iknewwhatitmeant.Hehadn’tanymoneyonhim.“Hi!”heshoutedtome,andthenweswungroundabendoutofsight….

Well,well,he’llhavetogethomesomehow.Hiswatchisonlynickelandhiscigarettecaseleather,butluckilythatsortofthingdoesn’tweighmuchwithstation-masters.Whattheywantisawell-knownnameasareference.HerbertisbetteroffthanIwas:hecangivethemMYname.Itwillbeidleforthemtopretendthattheyhaveneverheardofme.

THEDOCTOR

“MayIlookatmywatch?”Iaskedmypartner,breakingasilencewhichhadlastedfromthebeginningofthewaltz.

“Oh,HAVEyougotawatch?”shedrawled.“Howexciting!”

“Iwasn’tgoingtoshowittoyou,”Isaid,“ButIalwaysthinkitlookssobadforamantoremovehisarmfromalady’swaistinordertolookathiswatch—Imeanwithoutsomesortofapologyorexplanation.Asthoughhewerewonderingifhecouldpossiblystickanotherfiveminutesofit.”

“Letmeknowwhentheapologyisbeginning,”saidMissWhite.Perhaps,afterall,hernamewasn’tWhite,but,anyhow,shewasdressedinwhite,andit’sherownfaultifwrongimpressionsarise.

“Itbeginsatonce.I’vegottocatchatrainhome.There’soneat12.45,Ibelieve.IfIstartednowIcouldjustmissit.”

“Youdon’tliveintheseNorthernHeightsthen?”

“No.Doyou?”

“Yes.”

Ilookedatmywatchagain.

“IshouldlovetodiscusswithyoutherelativeadvantagesofLondonandGreaterLondon,”Isaid;“theflatsandcatsofoneandthebiggardensoftheother.ButjustatthemomenttheonlythingIcanthinkofiswhetherIshalllikethewalkhome.Arethereanydangerouspassestocross?”

“It’sanicewetnightforawalk,”saidMissWhitereflectively.

“IfonlyIhadbroughtmybicycle.”

“AwatchANDabicycle!YouARElucky!”

“Lookhere,itmaybeajoketoyou,butIdon’tfancymyselfcomingdownthemountainsatnight.”

“Thelasttraingoesatoneo’clock,ifthat’sanygoodtoyou.”

“Allthegoodintheworld,”Isaidjoyfully.“ThenIneedn’twalk.”Ilookedatmywatch.“Thatgivesusfiveminutesmore.Icouldalmosttellyouallaboutmyselfinthetime.”

“Itgenerallytakeslongerthanthat,”saidMissWhite.“Atleastitseemsto.”Shesighedandadded,“Mypartnershavebeenveryautobiographicalto-night.”

Ilookedatherseverely.

“I’mafraidyou’reaSuffragette,”Isaid.

AssoonasthenextdancebeganIhurriedofftofindmyhostess.Ihadjustcaughtsightofher,when—

“Ourdance,isn’tit?”saidavoice.

Iturnedandrecognizedagirlinblue.

“Ah,”Isaid,coldlycheerful,“Iwasjustlookingforyou.Comealong.”

Webrokeintoagayandhappystep,suggestiveoftwinheartsutterlyfreefromcare.

“Whydoyoulooksothoughtful?”askedthegirlinblueaftertenminutesofit.

“I’vejustheardsomegoodnews,”Isaid.

“Oh,dotellme!”

“Idon’tknowifitwouldreallyinterestyou.”

“I’msureitwould.”

“Well,severalmilesfromheretheremaybeatram,ifonecanfindit,whichgoesnobodyquiteknowswhereuptillone-thirtyinthemorningprobably.Itisnow,”Iadded,lookingatmywatch(Iwasgettingquitegoodatthis),“justononeo’clockandraininghard.Alliswell.”

oneo’clockandraininghard.Alliswell.”

Thedanceover,Isearchedinvainformyhostess.EveryminuteItookoutmywatchandseemedtofeelthatanothertramwasjuststartingofftosomeunknowndestination.AtlastIcouldbearitnolongerand,decidingtowritealetterofexplanationonthemorrow,Idashedoff.

MyinstructionsfromMissWhitewithregardtothehabitatoftrams(throwninbyheratthelastmomentincasethetrainfailedme)werevague.Fiveminutes’walkconvincedmethatIhadcompletelylostanygoodthattheymighteverhavebeentome.Instinctandcommonsenseweretheonlyguidesleft.Imustsettledowntosomeheavydetectivework.

Thesteadyrainhadwashedoutanyfootprintsthatmighthavebeenofassistance,andIwasunabletofollowuptheslotofatramconductorofwhichIhaddiscoveredtracesinTwo-hundred-and-fifty-firstStreet.InThree-thousand-eight-hundred-and-ninety-seventhStreetIlaywithmyeartothegroundandlistenedintently,forIseemedtohearthetingtingoftheelectriccar,butnothingcameofit;andinFour-millionthStreetImadeanewresolution.IdecidedtogiveuplookingfortramsandtosearchinsteadforLondon—theLondonthatIknew.

IfeltprettycertainthatIwasstillinoneoftheHomeCounties,andIdidnotseemtorememberhavingcrossedtheThames,sothatifonlyIcouldfindastarwhichpointedtothesouthIwasinafairwaytogethome.Isetouttolookforastar;withthenaturalresultthat,havingabandonedallhopeoffindingaman,Iimmediatelyranintohim.

“Nowthen,”hesaidgood-naturedly.

“Couldyoutellmethewayto—”ItriedtothinkofsomeplacenearmyLondon—“toWestminsterAbbey?”

Helookedatmeinastonishment.HisfeelingseemedtobethatIwastoolatefortheCoronationandtooearlyforthemorningservice.

“Or—oranywhere,”Isaidhurriedly.“Trams,forinstance.”

Hepointednervouslytotherightanddisappeared.

Imaginemyjoy;thereweretram-lines,and,betterstill,atramapproaching.I

Imaginemyjoy;thereweretram-lines,and,betterstill,atramapproaching.Itumbledin,gavetheconductorapenny,andgotaworkman’sticketinexchange.Tenminuteslaterwereachedtheterminus.

Ihadwonderedwhereweshouldarrive,whetherGray’sInnRoadorSouthamptonRow,butdidn’tmuchmindsolongasIwasagainwithinreachofacab.However,assoonasIsteppedoutofthetram,IknewatoncewhereIwas.

“Tellme,”Isaidtotheconductor;“doyounowgobackagain?”

“Intenminutes.There’satramfromhereeveryhalf-hour.”

“Whenisthelast?”

“There’snolast.Backwardsandforwardsallnight.”

Ishouldhavelikedtostopandsympathize,butitwasgettinglate.Iwalkedahundredyardsupthehillandturnedtotheright….AsIenteredthegatesIcouldhearthesoundofmusic.

“Isn’tthisourdance?”IsaidtoMissWhite,whowastakingabreatheratthehalldoor.“Onemoment,”Iadded,andIgotoutofmycoatandumbrella.

“Isit?Ithoughtyou’dgone.”

“Ohno,Idecidedtostayafterall.Ifoundoutthatthetramsgoallnight.”

Wewalkedintogether.

“Iwon’tbemoreautobiographicalthanIcanhelp,”Isaid,“butImustsayit’sahardlife,adoctor’s.Oneiscalledawayinthemiddleofadancetoadifficultcaseof—ofmumpsorsomething,and—well,thereyouare.Adelightfuleveningspoilt.Ifoneislucky,onemaygetbackintimeforawaltzortwoattheend.

“Indeed,”Isaid,aswebegantodance;“atonetimeto-nightIquitethoughtIwasn’tgoingtogetbackhereatall.”

THETHINGSTHATMATTER

RONALD,surveyingtheworldfromhistaxi—thatpleasantcorneroftheworld,StJames’sPark—gaveasighofhappiness.Thebluesky,thelawnofdaffodils,themistofgreenuponthetreeswerebutapromiseofthebetterthingswhichthecountryheldforhim.Beautifulashethoughtthedaffodils,hefoundforthemomentanevengreaterbeautyintheGladstonebagsathisfeet.Hiseyeswanderedfromonetotheother,andhisheartsangtohim,“I’mgoingaway—I’mgoingaway—I’mgoingaway.”

Thetrainwasadvertisedtogoat2.22,andat2.20RonaldjoinedtheEasterholidaycrowdupontheplatform.Aporterputdownhisluggageandwasthenswallowedupinaseaofperambulatorsandflusteredparents.Ronaldneversawhimagain.At2.40,amidstsomeapplause,thetraincamein.

Ronaldseizedalostporter.

“Justputtheseinforme,”hesaid.“Afirstsmoker.”

“Allthislotyours,sir?”

“Thethreebags—notthemilk-cans,”saidRonald.

Ithadbeenabeautifuldaybefore,butwhenafamilyofsixteenwhichjoinedRonaldinhiscarriagewasruthlesslyhauledoutbytheguard,thesunseemedtoshinewithawarmthmorecaressingthanever.Evenwhenthetrainmovedoutofthestation,andthechildrenwhohadbeenmislaidemergedfromtheirhiding-placesandwerebundledinanywherebythemarriedporters,Ronaldstillremainedsplendidlyalone…andtheskytookonyetadeepershadeofblue.

Helaybackinhiscorner,thinking.Foratimehismindwasoccupiedwiththethoughtscommontomostofuswhenwegoaway—thoughtsofallthethingswehaveforgottentopack.Idon’tthinkyoucouldfairlyhavecalledRonaldover-anxiousaboutclothes.Herecognizedthatitwastheinnervirtueswhichcounted;thatawell-dressedexteriorwasnothingwithoutsomegracesofmindorbody.Butatthesametimehedidfeelstronglythat,ifyouaregoingtostayatahousewhereyouhavenevervisitedbefore,andifyouareparticularlyanxioustomakeagoodimpression,itISapitythatanaccidentofpackingshouldforceyoutoappearatdinneringreenknickerbockersandsomebodyelse’svelvetsmoking-

appearatdinneringreenknickerbockersandsomebodyelse’svelvetsmoking-jacket.

Ronaldcouldn’thelpfeelingthathehadforgottensomething.Itwasn’tthesparesponge;itwasn’ttheextrashaving-brush;itwasn’tthesecondpairofbedroomslippers.Justforamomentthesunwentbehindacloudashewonderedifhehadincludedthereserverazor-strop;butno,hedistinctlyrememberedpackingthat.

Thereasonforhisvaguefeelingofunrestwasthis.Hehadbeeninterruptedwhilegettingreadythatafternoon;andasheleftwhateverhehadbeendoinginordertospeaktohishousekeeperhehadsaidtohimself,“Ifyou’renotcareful,you’llforgetaboutthatwhenyoucomeback.”Andnowhecouldnotrememberwhatitwashehadbeendoing,norwhetherheHADintheendforgottentogoonwithit.Washeselectinghisties,orbrushinghishair,or—

Thecountrywasappearingfieldbyfield;thetrainrushedthroughcuttingsgaywithspringflowers;bluewastheskybetweenthebabyclouds…butitallmissedRonald.WhatCOULDhehaveforgotten?

Hewentoverthedaysthatwerecoming;hewentthroughallthechangesoftoiletthatthehoursmightbring.Hehadpackedthisandthisandthisandthis—hewasallrightfortheevening.Supposingtheyplayedgolf?…Hewasallrightforgolf.Hemightwanttoride….Hewouldbeabletoride.Itwastooearlyforlawn-tennis,but…well,anyhow,hehadputinflannels.

Asheconsideredallthepossibleclothesthathemightwant,itreallyseemedthathehadprovidedforeverything.Ifheliked,hecouldgotochurchonFridaymorning;huntottersfromtwelvetooneonSaturday;tobogganordigforbadgersonMonday.Hehadthedifferentsuitsnecessaryforthosewhoattendawater-polomeeting,whoplaychess,orwhogooutaftermothswithapotoftreacle.Andeven,inthelastresort,hecouldgotobed.

Yes,hewasallright.HehadpackedEVERYTHING;moreover,hishairwasbrushedandhehadnosmutuponhisface.Withasighofreliefheloweredthewindowandhissouldrankinthebeautifulafternoon.“Wearegoingaway—wearegoingaway—wearegoingaway,”sangthetrain.

AttheprettiestofwaysidestationsthetrainstoppedandRonaldgotout.Therewerehorsestomeethim.“Betterthanacar,”thoughtRonald,“onanafternoonlikethis.”Theluggagewascollected—“Nothingleftout,”hechuckledtohimself,andwasseizedwithaninsanedesiretotellthecoach-manso;andthen

himself,andwasseizedwithaninsanedesiretotellthecoach-manso;andthentheydroveoffthroughthefreshgreenhedgerows,Ronaldtryinghardnottocheer.

Hishostwasatthedoorastheyarrived.Ronald,ashappyasachild,jumpedoutandshookhimwarmlybythehand,andtoldhimwhataheavenlydayitwas;receivingwithsmilesofpleasurethenewsinreturnthatitwasalmostlikesummer.

“You’rejustintimefortea.Really,wemighthaveitinthegarden.”

“ByJove,wemight,”saidRonald,beaming.

However,theyhaditinthehall,withthedoorswideopen.Ronald,sittinglazilywithhislegsstretchedoutandacupofteainhishands,andfeelingalreadyonthefriendliesttermswitheverybody,wonderedagainatthedifferencewhichtheweathercouldmaketoone’shappiness.

“Youknow,”hesaidtothegirlonhisright,“onadaylikethis,NOTHINGseemstomatter.”

Andthensuddenlyheknewthathewaswrong;forhehaddiscoveredwhatitwaswhichhehadtoldhimselfnottoforget…whatitwaswhichhehadindeedforgotten.

Andsuddenlythebirdsstoppedsingingandtherewasabitterchillintheair.

Andthesunwentviolentlyout.

…….

Hewaswearingonlyhalfapairofspats.

STORIESOFSUCCESSFULLIVES

THESOLICITOR

Theofficewasatitsbusiest,foritwasFridayafternoon.JohnBluntleantbackinhiscomfortablechairandtoyedwiththekeyofthesafe,whilehetriedtorealizehisnewposition.He,JohnBlunt,wasjuniorpartnerinthegreatLondonfirmofMacnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton&Macnaughton!

Heclosedhiseyes,andhisthoughtswanderedbacktothedaywhenhehadfirstenteredthedoorsofthefirmasoneoftwohundredandseventy-eightapplicantsforthepostofoffice-boy.Theyhadbeeninterviewedinbatches,andoldMrSanderson,theseniorpartner,hadtakenthefirstbatch.

“Ilikeyourface,myboy,”hehadsaidheartilytoJohn.

“AndIlikeyours,”repliedJohn,nottobeoutdoneinpoliteness.

“NowIwonderifyoucanspell‘mortgage’?”

“One‘m’?”saidJohntentatively.

MrSandersonwasdelightedwiththelad’sknowledge,andengagedhimatonce.

ForthreeyearsJohnhaddonehisdutyfaithfully.Duringthistimehehadsavedthefirmmorethanoncebyhisreadiness—particularlyononeoccasion,whenhehadcalledoldMrSanderson’sattentiontothefactthathehadsignedalettertoafirmofstockbrokers,“YourlovinghusbandMacnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton&Macnaughton.”MrSanderson,alwaysalittleabsentminded,correctedtheerror,andpromisedtheboyhisarticles.FiveyearslaterJohnBluntwasasolicitor.

Andnowhewasactuallyjuniorpartnerinthefirm—thefirmofwhichitwassaidintheCity,“IfamanhasMacnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton&Macnaughtonbehindhim,heisallright.”TheCityisalwayscoiningpithylittleepigramslikethis.

coiningpithylittleepigramslikethis.

Therewasaknockatthedooroftheinquiryofficeandaprosperous-lookinggentlemancamein.

“CanIseeMrMacnaughton,”hesaidpolitelytotheoffice-boy.

“Thereisn’tnoMrMacnaughton,”repliedthelatter.“Theyalldiedyearsago.”

“Well,well,canIseeoneofthepartners?”

“Youcan’tseeMrSanderson,becausehe’shavinghislunch,”saidtheboy.“MrThorpehasn’tcomebackfromlunchyet,MrPetershasjustgoneouttolunch,MrWilliamsisexpectedbackfromluncheveryminute,MrGourlaywentouttolunchanhourago,MrBeamish—”

“Tut,tut,isn’tanybodyin?”

“MrBluntisin,”saidtheboy,andtookupthetelephone.“IfyouwaitamomentI’llseeifhe’sawake.”

HalfanhourlaterMrMasterswasshownintoJohnBlunt’sroom.

“I’msorryIwasengaged,”saidJohn.“Amostimportantclient.Now,whatcanIdoforyou,Mr—er—Masters?”

“Iwishtomakemywill.”

“Byallmeans,”saidJohncordially.

“Ihaveonlyonechild,towhomIintendtoleaveallmymoney.”

“Ha!”saidJohn,withafrown.“Thiswillbealengthyanddifficultbusiness.”

“Butyoucandoit?”askedMrMastersanxiously.“Theytoldmeatthehairdresser’sthatMacnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton&MacnaughtonwasthecleverestfirminLondon.”

“Wecandoit,”saidJohnsimply,“butitwillrequireallourcare;andIthinkitwouldbebestifIweretocomeandstaywithyoufortheweek-end.Wecouldgointoitproperlythen.”

“Thankyou,”saidMrMasters,claspingtheother’shand.“Iwasjustgoingtosuggestit.Mymotor-carisoutside.Letusgoatonce.”

“Iwillfollowyouinamoment,”saidJohn,andpausingonlytosnatchahandfulofmoneyfromthesafeforincidentalexpenses,andtotelltheboythathewouldbebackonMonday,hepickedupthewell-filledweek-endbagwhichhealwayskeptready,andhurriedaftertheother.

InsidethecarMrMasterswasconfidential.

“Mydaughter,”hesaid,“comesofageto-morrow.”

“Oh,it’sadaughter?”saidJohn,insurprise.“Isshepretty?”

“Sheisconsideredtobetheprettiestgirlinthecounty.”

“Really?”saidJohn.Hethoughtamoment,andadded,“Canwestopatapost-office?Imustsendanimportantbusinesstelegram.”Hetookoutaformandwrote:

“Macmacmacmacmac,London.ShallnotbebacktillWednesday.—BLUNT.”

Thecarstoppedandthenspedonagain.

“Amyhasneverbeenanytroubletome,”saidMrMasters,“butIamgettingoldnow,andIwouldgiveathousandpoundstoseeherhappilymarried.”

“Towhomwouldyougiveit,”askedJohn,whippingouthispocket-book.

“Tut,tut,amerefigureofspeech.ButIwouldsettleahundredthousandpoundsonheronthewedding-day.”

“Indeed?”saidJohnthoughtfully.“Canwestopatanotherpost-office?”headded,bringingouthisfountain-penagain.Hetookoutasecondtelegraphformandwrote:

“Macmacmacmacmac,London.ShallnotbebacktillFriday.—BLUNT.”

Thecardashedonagain,andanhourlaterarriveditacommodiousmansionstandinginitsownwell-timberedgroundsofupwardsofseveralacres.Atthefront-dooragracefulfigurewasstanding.

front-dooragracefulfigurewasstanding.

“Mysolicitor,dear,MrBlunt,”saidMrMasters.

“Itisverygoodofyoutocomeallthiswayonmyfather’sbusiness,”shesaidshyly.

“Notatall,”saidJohn.“Aweekor—orafortnight—or—”helookedatheragain—“or—threeweeks,andthethingisdone.”

“Ismakingawillsoverydifficult?”

“It’saverytrickyandcomplicatedaffairindeed.However,Ithinkweshallpullitoff.Er—mightIsendanimportantbusinesstelegram?”

“Macmacmacmacmac,London,”wroteJohn.“Veryknottycase.Dateofreturnuncertain.Pleasesendmorecashforincidentalexpenses.—BLUNT.”

…….

Yes,youhaveguessedwhathappened.Itisaneverydayexperienceinasolicitor’slife.JohnBluntandAmyMastersweremarriedatStGeorge’s,HanoverSquare,lastMay.Theweddingwasaquietone,owingtomourninginthebride’sfamily—theresultofatoosuddenperusalofMacnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton,Macnaughton&Macnaughton’sbillofcosts.AsMrMasterssaidwithhisexpiringbreath—hedidn’tmindpayingforourMrBlunt’sskill;noryetforourMrBlunt’svaluabletime—evenifmostofitwasspentincourtingAmy;nor,again,forourMrBlunt’stipstotheservants;buthedidobjecttobeingchargedthefirst-classrailwayfarebothwayswhenourMrBlunthadcomedownandgoneupagaininthecar.AndperhapsIoughttoaddthatthatisthedrawbacktothisfineprofession.Oneissooftenmisunderstood.

THEPAINTER

MRPAULSAMWAYSwasinamoodofdeepdepression.Theartistictemperamentispeculiarlysubjecttothesemoods,butinPaul’scasetherewasreasonwhyheshouldtakeagloomyviewofthings.Hismasterpiece,“TheShotTowerfromBatterseaBridge,”togetherwiththecompanionpicture,“BatterseaBridgefromtheShotTower,”hadbeenpurchasedbyadealerforseventeenandsixpence.Hissepiamonochrome,“Night,”hadbroughthimanI.O.U.forfiveshillings.Thesewerehissoleearningsforthelastsixweeks,andstarvationstaredhimintheface.

“IfonlyIhadalittlecapital!”hecriedaloudindespair.“EnoughtosupportmeuntilmyAcademypictureisfinished.”HisAcademypicturewasamasterlystudyentitled,“Rollon,thoudeepanddarkblueocean,roll,”andhehadbeencompelledtostophalf-wayacrosstheChannelthroughsheerlackofultramarine.

Theclockstrucktwo,remindinghimthathehadnotlunched.Herosewearilyandwenttothelittlecupboardwhichservedasalarder.Therewasbutlittletheretomakeasatisfyingmeal—halfaloafofbread,acornerofcheese,andasmalltubeofChinese-white.Mechanicallyhesetthethingsout….

Hehadfinished,andwasclearingaway,whentherecameaknockatthedoor.Hischarwoman,whosedutyitwastocleanhisbrusheseveryweek,cameinwithacard.

“Aladytoseeyou,sir,”shesaid.

Paulreadthecardinastonishment.

“TheDuchessofWinchester,”heexclaimed.“Whatonearth—Showherin,please.”Hastilypickingupabrushandthefirsttubewhichcametohand,heplacedhimselfinadramaticpositionbeforehiseaselandsettowork.

“Howdoyoudo,MrSamways?”saidthe

“Howdoyoudo,MrSamways?”saidthe

Duchess.

“G—good-afternoon,”saidPaul,embarrassedbothbythepresenceofaduchessinhisstudioandbyhissuddendiscoverythathewastouchingupasunsetwithatubeofcarbolictooth-paste.

“Ourmutualfriend,LordErnestTopwood,recommendedmetocometoyou.”

Paul,whohadnevermetLordErnest,buthadonceseenhisnameinaha’pennypaperbeneathaphotographofMrArnoldBennett,bowedsilently.

“Asyouprobablyguess,Iwantyoutopaintmydaughter’sportrait.”

Paulopenedhismouthtosaythathewasonlyalandscapepainter,andthencloseditagain.Afterall,itwashardlyfairtobotherherGracewithtechnicalities.

“Ihopeyoucanundertakethiscommission,”shesaidpleadingly.

“Ishallbedelighted,”saidPaul.“Iamratherbusyjustnow,butIcouldbeginattwoo’clockonMonday.”

“Excellent,”saidtheDuchess.“TillMonday,then.”AndPaul,stillclutchingthetooth-paste,conductedhertohercarriage.

Punctuallyat3.15onMondayLadyHermioneappeared.Pauldrewadeepbreathofastonishmentwhenhesawher,forshewaslovelybeyondcompare.Allhisskillasalandscapepainterwouldbeneededifheweretodojusticetoherbeauty.Asquicklyaspossibleheplacedherinpositionandsettowork.

“MayIletmyfacegoforamoment?”saidLadyHermioneafterthreehoursofit.

“Yes,letusstop,”saidPaul.Hehadoutlinedherincharcoalandburntcork,anditwouldbetoodarktodoanymorethatevening.

“TellmewhereyoufirstmetLordErnest?”sheaskedasshecamedowntothefire.

“AttheSavoy,inJune,”saidPaulboldly.

“AttheSavoy,inJune,”saidPaulboldly.

LadyHermionelaughedmerrily.Paul,whohadnotregardedhislastremarkasoneofhisbestthings,lookedatherinsurprise.

“ButyourportraitofhimwasintheAcademyinMay!”shesmiled.

Paulmadeuphismindquickly.

“LadyHermione,”hesaidwithgravity,“donotspeaktomeofLordErnestagain.Nor,”headdedhurriedly,“toLordErnestofme.WhenyourpictureisfinishedIwilltellyouwhy.Nowitistimeyouwent.”HewoketheDuchessup,andmadeafewcommonplaceremarksabouttheweather.“Remember,”hewhisperedtoLadyHermioneashesawthemtotheircar.Shenoddedandsmiled.

Thesittingswentondaily.SometimesPaulwouldpaintrapidlywithgreatsweepsofthebrush;sometimeshewouldspendanhourtryingtogetonhispalettetheexactshadeofgreenbiceforthefamousWinchesteremeralds;sometimesindespairhewouldtakeaspongeandwipethewholepictureout,andthenstartmadlyagain.AndsometimeshewouldstopworkaltogetherandtellLadyHermioneabouthishome-lifeinWorcestershire.Butalways,whenhewoketheDuchessupattheendofthesitting,hewouldsay,“Remember!”andLadyHermionewouldnodbackathim.

Itwasaspring-likedayinMarchwhenthepicturewasfinished,andnothingremainedtodobuttopaintinthesignature.

“Itisbeautiful!”saidLadyHermione,withenthusiasm.“Beautiful!Isitatalllikeme?”

Paullookedfromhertothepicture,andbacktoheragain.

“No,”hesaid,“notabit.Youknow,Iamreallyalandscapepainter.”

“Whatdoyoumean?”shecried.“YouarePeterSamways,A.R.A.,thefamousportraitpainter!”

“No,”hesaidsadly.“Thatwasmysecret.IamPaulSamways.AmemberoftheAmateurRowingAssociation,itistrue,butonlyanunknownlandscapepainter.PeterSamwayslivesinthenextstudio,andheisnotevenarelation.”

“Thenyouhavedeceivedme!Youhavebroughtmehereunderfalsepretences!”Shestampedherfootangrily.“Myfatherwillnotbuythatpicture,andIforbidyoutoexhibititasaportraitofmyself.”

“MydearLadyHermione,”saidPaul,“youneednotbealarmed.Iproposetoexhibitthepictureas‘WhentheHeartisYoung.’Nobodywillrecognizealikenesstoyouinit.AndiftheDukedoesnotbuyitIhavenodoubtthatsomeotherpurchaserwillcomealong.”

LadyHermionelookedathimthoughtfully.“Whydidyoudoit?”sheaskedgently.

“BecauseIfellinlovewithyou.”

Shedroppedhereyes,andthenraisedthemgailytohis.“Motherisstillasleep,”shewhispered.

“Hermione!”hecried,droppinghispaletteandputtinghisbrushbehindhisear.

Sheheldoutherarmstohim.

…….

Aseverybodyremembers,“WhentheHeartisYoung,”byPaulSamways,wasthefeatureoftheExhibition.Itwasboughtfor10,000poundsbyaretiredbottlemanufacturer,whomitremindedalittleofhislatemother.Paulwoketofindhimselffamous.Butthesuccesswhichbeganforhimfromthisdaydidnotspoilhissimpleandgenerousnature.Heneverforgothisbrotherartists,whosefeetwerenotyetonthetopoftheladder.Indeed,oneofhisfirstactsafterhewasmarriedwastogiveacommissiontoPeterSamways,A.R.A.—nothinglessthanthepaintingofhiswife’sportrait.AndLadyHermionewasdelightedwiththeresult.

THEBARRISTER

TheNewBaileywascrowdedwithagayandfashionablethrong.Itwasaremarkablecaseofshop-lifting.AuroraDelaine,nineteen,waschargedwithfeloniouslystealingandconveyingcertainarticles,thepropertyoftheUniversalStores,towitthirty-fiveyardsofbockmuslin,tenpairsofgloves,asponge,twogimlets,fivejarsofcoldcream,acopyoftheClergyList,threehat-guards,amariner’scompass,aboxofdrawing-pins,anegg-breaker,sixblouses,andacabman’swhistle.ThethefthadbeenprovedbyAlbertJobson,ashopwalker,whogaveevidencetotheeffectthathefollowedherthroughthedifferentdepartmentsandsawhertakethethingsmentionedintheindictment.

“Justamoment,”interruptedtheJudge.“Whoisdefendingtheprisoner?”

Therewasanunexpectedsilence.RupertCarleton,whohaddroppedidlyintocourt,lookedroundinsuddenexcitement.Thepoorgirlhadnocounsel!Whatifhe—yes,hewouldseizethechance!Hestoodupboldly.“Iam,mylord,”hesaid.

RupertCarletonwasstillinthetwenties,buthehadbeenabrieflessbarristerforsomeyears.Yet,thoughbriefswouldnotcome,hehadbeenveryfarfromidle.HehadstoodforParliamentinboththeConservativeandLiberalinterests(nottomentionhisown),hehadwrittenhalfadozenunproducedplays,andhewasengagedtobemarried.Butsuccessinhisownprofessionhadbeendelayed.Nowatlastwashisopportunity.

Hepulledhiswigdownfirmlyoverhisears,tookoutapairofpince-nezandrosetocross-examine.Itwasthecross-examinationwhichwastomakehimfamous,thecross-examinationwhichisnowgivenasamodelineverylegaltext-book.

“MrJobson,”hebegansuavely,“yousaythatyousawtheaccusedstealthesevariousarticles,andthattheywereafterwardsfounduponher?”

“Yes.”

“Iputittoyou,”saidRupert,andwaitedintentlyfortheanswer,“thatthatisa

“Iputittoyou,”saidRupert,andwaitedintentlyfortheanswer,“thatthatisapureinventiononyourpart?”

“No.”

WithasuperhumaneffortRuperthidhisdisappointment.Unexpectedastheanswerwas,hepreservedhisimpassivity.

“Isuggest,”hetriedagain,“thatyoufollowedheraboutandconcealedthiscollectionofthingsinhercloakwithaviewtoadvertisingyourwintersale?”

“No.Isawherstealthem.”

Rupertfrowned;themanseemedimpervioustothesimplestsuggestion.Withmasterlydecisionhetappedhispince-nezandfellbackuponhisthirdlineofdefence.“Yousawherstealthem?Whatyoumeanisthatyousawhertakethemfromthedifferentcountersandputtheminherbag?”

“Yes.”

“Withtheintentionofpayingforthemintheordinaryway?”

“No.”

“Pleasebeverycareful.Yousaidinyourevidencethattheprisoner,whentoldshewouldbecharged,cried,‘TothinkthatIshouldhavecometothis!Willnoonesaveme?’Isuggestthatshewentuptoyouwithhercollectionofpurchases,pulledoutherpurse,andsaid,‘Whatdoesallthiscometo?Ican’tgetanyonetoserveme.’”

“No.”

Theobstinacyofsomepeople!Rupertputbackhispince-nezinhispocketandbroughtoutanotherpair.Thehistoriccross-examinationcontinued.

“Wewillletthatpassforthemoment,”hesaid.HeconsultedasheetofpaperandthenlookedsternlyatMrJobson.“MrJobson,howmanytimeshaveyoubeenmarried?”

“Once.”

“Quiteso.”Hehesitatedandthendecidedtoriskit.“Isuggestthatyourwifeleft

“Quiteso.”Hehesitatedandthendecidedtoriskit.“Isuggestthatyourwifeleftyou?”

“Yes.”

Itwasalongshot,butonceagaintheboldcoursehadpaid.Rupertheavedasighofrelief.

“Willyoutellthegentlemenofthejury,”hesaidwithdeadlypoliteness,“WHYsheleftyou?”

“Shedied.”

Alessermanmighthavebeenembarrassed,butRupert’sironnervedidnotfailhim.

“Exactly!”hesaid.“AndwasthatorwasthatnotonthenightwhenyouwereturnedoutoftheHampsteadParliamentforintoxication?”

“Ineverwas.”

“Indeed?WillyoucastyourmindbacktothenightofApril24th,1897?Whatwereyoudoingonthatnight?”

“Ihavenoidea,”saidJobson,aftercastinghismindbackandwaitinginvainforsomeresult.

“InthatcaseyoucannotswearthatyouwerenotbeingturnedoutoftheHampsteadParliament—”

“ButIneverbelongedtoit.”

Rupertleapedatthedamagingadmission.

“What?YoutoldtheCourtthatyoulivedatHampstead,andyetyousaythatyouneverbelongedtotheHampsteadParliament?IsTHATyourideaofpatriotism?”

“IsaidIlivedatHackney.”

“TotheHackneyParliament,Ishouldsay.IamsuggestingthatyouwereturnedoutoftheHackneyParliamentfor—”

outoftheHackneyParliamentfor—”

“Idon’tbelongtothateither.”

“Exactly!”saidRuperttriumphantly.“Havingbeenturnedoutforintoxication?”

“Andneverdidbelong.”

“Indeed?MayItakeitthenthatyouprefertospendyoureveningsinthepublic-house?”

“Ifyouwanttoknow,”saidJobsonangrily,“IbelongtotheHackneyChessCircle,andthattakesupmostofmyevenings.”

Rupertgaveasighofsatisfactionandturnedtothejury.

“AtLAST,gentlemen,wehavegotit.Ithoughtweshouldarriveatthetruthintheend,inspiteofMrJobson’sprevarications.”Heturnedtothewitness.“Now,sir,”hesaidsternly,“youhavealreadytoldtheCourtthatyouhavenoideawhatyouweredoingonthenightofApril24th,1897.IputittoyouoncemorethatthisblanknessofmemoryisduetothefactthatyouwereinastateofintoxicationonthepremisesoftheHackneyChessCircle.Canyouswearonyouroaththatthisisnotso?”

Amurmurofadmirationfortherelentlesswayinwhichthetruthhadbeentrackeddownranthroughthecourt.Rupertdrewhimselfupandputonbothpairsofpince-nezatonce.

“Come,sir!”hesaid,“thejuryiswaiting.”ButitwasnotAlbertJobsonwhoanswered.Itwasthecounselfortheprosecution.“Mylord,”hesaid,gettingupslowly,“thishascomeasacompletesurprisetome.Inthecircumstances,Imustadvisemyclientstowithdrawfromthecase.”

“Averyproperdecision,”saidhislordship.“Theprisonerisdischargedwithoutastainonhercharacter.”

…….

BriefspouredinuponRupertnextday,andhewasengagedforallthebigChancerycases.Withinaweekhissixplayswereaccepted,andwithinafortnighthehadenteredParliamentastheminers’MemberforCoalville.Hismarriagetookplaceattheendofamonth.Theweddingpresentswereevenmorenumerousandcostlythanusual,andincludedthirty-fiveyardsofbookmuslin,tenpairsofgloves,asponge,twogimlets,fivejarsofcoldcream,acopyoftheClergyList,threehat-guards,amariner’scompass,aboxofdrawing-pins,anegg-breaker,sixblouses,andacabman’swhistle.Theyweremarkedquitesimply,“FromaGratefulFriend.”

THECIVILSERVANT

Itwasthreeo’clock,andtheafternoonsunreddenedthewesternwindowsofoneofthebusiestofGovernmentoffices.InanairyroomonthethirdfloorRichardDalewasbatting.Standinginfrontofthecoal-boxwiththefire-shovelinhishands,hewasamodelofthestrenuousyoungEnglishman;andasforthethirdtimeheturnedtheGovernmentindiarubberneatlyinthedirectionofsquare-leg,andsocompletedhisfifty,thebowlercouldhardlyrepressasighofenviousadmiration.EventhereservedMatthews,whowastoooldforcricket,lookedupamomentfromhisputting,andsaid,“Wellplayed,Dick!”

Thefourthoccupantoftheroomwasbusyathisdesk,asiftogivethelietothethoughtlessaccusationthattheCivilServicecultivatesthebodyattheexpenseofthemind.Theeagershoutsoftheplayersseemedtoannoyhim,forhefrownedandbithispen,orelsepassedhisfingersrestlesslythroughhishair.

“Howthedickensyouexpectanyonetothinkinthisconfoundednoise,”hecriedsuddenly.

“What’sthematter,Ashby?”

“You’rethematter.HowamIgoingtogettheseversesdoneforTheEveningSurpriseifyoumakesucharow?Whydon’tyougoouttotea?”

“Goodidea.Comeon,Dale.Youcoming,Matthews?”Theywentout,leavingtheroomtoAshby.

InhisyouthHaroldAshbyhadoftenbeentoldbyhisrelationsthathehadaliterarybent.HislettershomefromschoolweregenerallypronouncedtobegoodenoughforPunch,andsomeofthem,togetherwithacertificateofcharacterfromhisVicar,wereactuallysenttothatpaper.Butashegrewupherealizedthathisgeniuswasbetterfittedforworkofamoresolidcharacter.HispostintheCivilServicegavehimfullleisureforhisAdam:AFragment,hisHistoryoftheMicroscope,andhisStudiesinRuralCampanology,andyetlefthimampletimeinwhichtocontributetothejournalismoftheday.

ThepoemhewasnowfinishingforTheEveningSurprisewashisfirst

ThepoemhewasnowfinishingforTheEveningSurprisewashisfirstcontributiontothatpaper,buthehadlittledoubtthatitwouldbeaccepted.Itwascalledquitesimply,“LoveandDeath,”anditbeganlikethis:

“Love!Olove!(Allotherthingsabove).—Why,Owhy,AmIafraidtodie?”

ThereweresixmorelineswhichIhaveforgotten,butIsupposetheygavethereasonforthisabsurddiffidence.

Havingwrittenthepoemoutneatly,HaroldputitinanenvelopeandtookitroundtoTheEveningSurprise.Thestrainofcompositionhadlefthimratherweak,andhedecidedtogivehisbrainarestforthenextfewdays.SoithappenedthathewasatthewicketsonthefollowingWednesdayafternoonwhenthecommissionairebroughthiminthehistoricletter.Heopenedithastily,theshovelunderhisarm.

“DEARSIR,”wrotetheeditorofTheSurprise,“willyoucomeroundandseemeassoonasconvenient?”

Haroldlostnotime.Explainingthathewouldfinishhisinningslater,heputhiscoaton,tookhishatandstick,anddashedout.

“Howdoyoudo?”saidtheeditor.“Iwantedtotalktoyouaboutyourwork.Wealllikedyourlittlepoemverymuch.Itwillbecomingoutto-morrow.”

“Thursday,”saidHaroldhelpfully.

“Iwaswonderingwhetherwecouldn’tgetyoutojoinourstaff.Doestheideaofdoing‘AuntMiriam’sCosyCorner’inourafternooneditionappealtoyouatall?”

“No,”saidHarold,“notabit.”

“Ah,that’sapity.”Hetappedhisdeskthoughtfully.“Wellthen,howwouldyouliketobeawarcorrespondent?”

“Verymuch,”saidHarold.“Iwasconsideredtowriterathergoodlettershomefromschool.”

“Splendid!There’sthislittlewarinMexico.Whencanyoustart?Allexpensesandfiftypoundsaweek.You’renotverybusyattheoffice,Isuppose,justnow?”

now?”

“Icouldgetsickleaveeasilyenough,”saidHarold,“ifitwasn’tformorethaneightorninemonths.”

“Do;thatwillbeexcellent.Here’sablankchequeforyouroutfit.Canyougetoffto-morrow?ButIsupposeyou’llhaveoneortwothingstofinishupattheofficefirst?”

“Well,”saidHaroldcautiously,“IWASin,andI’dmadeninety-six.ButifIgobackandfinishmyinningsnow,andthenhaveto-morrowforbuyingthings,IcouldgetoffonFriday.”

“Good,”saidtheeditor.“Well,here’sluck.Comebackaliveifyoucan,andifyoudoweshan’tforgetyou.”

Haroldspentthenextdaybuyingawarcorrespondent’soutfit:—thecamel,thetravellingbath,theputties,thepithhelmet,thequinine,thesleeping-bag,andthethousand-and-oneothernecessitiesofactiveservice.OntheFridayhiscolleaguesattheofficecamedowninabodytoSouthamptontoseehimoff.LittledidtheythinkthatnearlyayearwouldelapsebeforeheagainsetfootuponEngland.

IshallnotdescribeallhisfamouscoupsinMexico.Sufficienttosaythatexperiencetaughthimquicklyallthathehadneedtolearn;andthatwhereashewasmorethanaweeklatewithhiscabledaccountofthefirstengagementofthewar,hewasfrequentlymorethanaweekearlyafterwards.Indeed,thebattleofParson’sNose,sorealisticallydescribedinhislasttelegram,isstillwaitingtobefought.Itistobehopedthatitwillbeintimeforhisaptly-namedbook,WiththeMexicansinMexico,whichiscomingoutnextmonth.

OnhisreturntoEnglandHaroldfoundthattimehadwroughtmanychanges.Tobeginwith,theeditorofTheEveningSurprisehadpassedontoTheMorningExclamation.

“Youhadbettertakehisplace,”saidtheducalproprietortoHarold.

“Right,”saidHarold.“IsupposeIshallhavetoresignmypostattheoffice?”

“Justasyoulike.Idon’tseewhyyoushould.”

“Ishouldmissthecricket,”saidHaroldwistfully,“andthesalary.I’llgoroundandseewhatIcanarrange.”

Buttherewerealsochangesattheoffice.Haroldhadbeenrisingsteadilyinsalaryandseniorityduringhisabsence,andhefoundtohisdelightthathewasnowaPrincipalClerk.Hefound,too,thathehadacquiredquiteareputationintheofficeforquicknessandefficiencyinhisnewwork.

Thefirstthingtoarrangeaboutwashisholiday.Hehadhadnoholidayformorethanayear,andthereweresomeeightweeksowingtohim.

“Hullo,”saidtheAssistantSecretaryasHaroldcamein,“you’relookingwell.Isupposeyoumanagetogetawayfortheweek-ends?”

“I’vebeenawayonsickleaveforsometime,”saidHaroldpathetically.

“Haveyou?You’vekeptitverysecret.Comeoutandhavelunchwithme,andwe’lldoamatineeafterwards.”

Haroldwentoutwithhimhappily.ItwouldbepleasanttoaccepttheeditorshipofTheEveningSurprisewithoutgivinguptheGovernmentalworkwhichwassodeartohim,andtheAssistantSecretary’swordsmadethispossibleforayearorsoanyhow.Then,whenhisabsencefromtheofficefirstbegantobenoticed,itwouldbetimetothinkofretiringonanadequatepension.

THEACTOR

MrLevinski,thefamousactor-manager,draggedhimselffrombeneaththecar,tookthesnowoutofhismouth,andsworeheartily.Mortalmenareliabletomotoraccidents;evenkings’carshavebackfired;butitseemsstrangethatactor-managersarenotspeciallyexemptfromtheseoccurrences.MrLevinskiwasnotonlyangry;hewasalsoalittleshocked.Whenanactor-managerhastowalktwomilestothenearesttownonawintereveningonemaybepardonedadoubtastowhetherallisquiterightwiththeworld.

Butthecompletesttragedyhasitscompensationsforsomeone.ThepitiablearrivalofMrLevinskiat“TheDuke’sHead,”unrecognizedandwithhisfurcoatslightlyruffled,mightmakeascepticofthemostdevoutoptimist,andyetEustaceMerrowbycanneverlookbackuponthateveningwithoutasighofthankfulness;fortohimitwasthebeginningofhiscareer.Thestoryhasoftenbeentoldsince—inaboutadozenweeklypapers,halfadozendailypapersandthreedozenprovincialpapers—butitwillalwaysbeartellingagain.

TherewasnotraintoLondonthatnight,andMrLevinskihadbeencompelledtoputupat“TheDuke’sHead.”However,hehaddinedandwasfeelingslightlybetter.Hesummonedthemanagerofthehotel.

“Whatdoesonedointhisdamplace?”heaskedwithayawn.

Themanager,instantlyrecognizingthathewasspeakingtoamemberofthearistocracy,madehastetoreply.Othellowasbeingplayedatthetowntheatre.Hisdaughter,whohadalreadybeenthreetimes,toldhimthatitwassimplysweet.Hewassurehislordship…

MrLevinskidismissedhim,andconsideredthepoint.Hehadtoamusehimselfwithsomethingthatevening,andthechoiceapparentlylaybetweenOthelloandthelocalDirectory.HepickeduptheDirectory.ByaluckychanceforEustaceMerrowbyitwasthreeyearsold.MrLevinskiputonhisfurcoatandwenttoseeOthello.

Forsometimehewasasboredashehadexpectedtobe,buthalf-waythroughtheThirdActhebegantowakeup.Therewassomethingintheplayingofthe

theThirdActhebegantowakeup.Therewassomethingintheplayingoftheprincipalactorwhichmovedhimstrangely.Helookedathisprogramme.“Othello—MrEUSTACEMERROWBY.”MrLevinskifrownedthoughtfully.“Merrowby?”hesaidtohimself.“Idon’tknowthename,buthe’sthemanIwant.”HetookoutthegoldpencilpresentedtohimbytheEmperor—(thestation-masterhadhadatie-pin)—andwroteanote.

HewasfinishingbreakfastnextmorningwhenMrMerrowbywasannounced.

“Ah,good-morning,”saidMrLevinski,“good-morning.Youfindmeverybusy,”andherehebegantoturnthepagesoftheDirectorybackwardsandforwards,“butIcangiveyouamoment.Whatisityouwant?”

“Youaskedmetocallonyou,”saidEustace.

“DidI,didI?”Hepassedhishandacrosshisbrowwithanoblegesture.“Iamsobusy,Iforget.Ah,nowIremember.IsawyouplayOthellolastnight.YouarethemanIwant.Iamproducing‘OomBaas,’thegreatSouthAfricandrama,nextAprilatmytheatre.Perhapsyouknow?”

“Ihavereadaboutitinthepapers,”saidEustace.Inallthepapers(hemighthaveadded)everyday,forthelastsixmonths.

“Good.Thenyoumayhaveheardthatoneofthescenesisanostrichfarm.Iwantyoutoplay‘Tommy.’”

“Oneoftheostriches?”askedEustace.

“IdonotofferthepartofanostrichtoamanwhohasplayedOthello.TommyistheKaffirboywholooksafterthefarm.Itisablackpart,likeyourpresentone,butnotsolong.InLondonyoucannotexpecttotaketheleadingpartsjustyet.”

“Thisisverykindofyou,”criedEustacegratefully.“IhavealwayslongedtogettoLondon.Andtostartinyourtheatre!—it’sawonderfulchance.”

“Good,”saidMrLevinski.“Thenthat’ssettled.”HewavedEustaceawayandtookuptheDirectoryagainwithabusiness-likeair.

AndsoEustaceMerrowbycametoLondon.ItisagreatthingforayoungactortocometoLondon.AsMrLevinskihadwarnedhim,hisnewpartwasnotsobigasthatofOthello;hehadtosay“Hofotsetse!”—whichwasallegedtobeKaffirfor“Down,sir!”—tothebigostrich.ButtobeattheStGeorge’sTheatreatall

for“Down,sir!”—tothebigostrich.ButtobeattheStGeorge’sTheatreatallwasanhonourwhichmostmenwouldenvyhim,andhisassociationwitharealostrichwasboundtobringhimbeforethepublicinthepagesoftheillustratedpapers.

Eustace,curiouslyenough,wasnotverynervousonthefirstnight.Hewasfairlycertainthathewasword-perfect;andifonlytheostrichdidn’tkickhiminthebackoftheneck—asithadtriedtoonceatrehearsal—theeveningseemedlikelytobeatriumphforhim.Andsoitwaswithafeelingofpleasurableanticipationthat,onthemorningafter,hegatheredthepapersroundhimatbreakfast,andpreparedtoreadwhatthecriticshadtosay.

HehadaremarkablePress.Igiveafewexamplesofthenoticesheobtainedfromtheleadingpapers:

“MrEustaceMerrowbywasTommy.”—DailyTelegraph.

“ThecastincludedMrEustaceMerrowby.”—Times.

“…MrEustaceMerrowby…”—DailyChronicle.

“Wehavenospaceinwhichtomentionalltheotherperformers.”—MorningLeader.

“Thiscriticismonlyconcernsthetwoactorswehavementioned,anddoesnotapplytotherestofthecast.”—Sportsman.

“Whereallweresogood,itwouldbeinvidioustosingleoutanybodyforspecialpraise.”—DailyMail.

“Theactingdeservedabetterplay.”—DailyNews.

“…Tommy…”—MorningPost.

AsEustacereadthepapers,hefeltthathisfuturewassecure.True,TheEra,carefulnevertomissasingleperformer,hadyettosay,“MrEustaceMerrowbywascapitalasTommy,”andTheStage,“TommywascapitallyplayedbyMrEustaceMerrowby”;butevenwithoutthishehadbecomeoneoftheMenwhoCount—onewhoseprivatelifewasofmoreinteresttothepublicthanthatofanyscientist,generalordiplomatinthecountry.

IntoEustaceMerrowby’ssubsequentcareerIcannotgoatfulllength.ItisperhapsasamemberoftheGarrickClubthathehasattainedhisfullestdevelopment.AllthegoodthingsoftheGarrickwhichwerenotpreviouslysaidbySydneySmithmaysafelybeputdowntoEustace;andthereisnodoubtthatheistheringleaderinallthesubtlerpracticaljokeswhichhavemadetheclubfamous.Itwashewhopinnedtothebackofanunpopularmemberofthecommitteeasheetofpaperbearingthewords

KICKME

—andtheoccasiononwhichhedrewthechairfrombeneathacertaineminentauthorasthelatterwasabouttositdownisstillreferredtohilariouslybytheoldermembers.

Finally,asaconvincingproofofhisgreatness,letitbesaidthateverybodyhasatleastheardthename“EustaceMerrowby”—eventhoughsomemaybeundertheimpressionthatitisthetrademarkofasauce;andthathalftheyoungladiesofWandsworthCommonandWinchmoreHillareinlovewithhim.Ifthisbenotsuccess,whatis?

THEYOUNGERSON

Itisahardthingtobetheyoungersonofanancientbutimpoverishedfamily.ThefactthatyourbrotherThomasistakingmostofthedibsrestrictsyourinheritancetoapaltrytwothousandayear,whileprideofbloodforbidsyoutosupplementthisbyfollowinganyofthecommonprofessions.ImpossibleforaStVeraxtobeadoctor,apolicemanoranarchitect.Hemustfindsomenoblermeansofexistence.

ForthreeyearsRogerStVeraxhadlivedprecariouslybybetting.TobeaStVeraxwasalwaystobeasportsman.Roger’sfatherhadcreatedarecordinthesportingworldbywinningtheDerbyandtheWaterlooCupwiththesameanimal—though,ineachcase,itnarrowlyescapeddisqualification.Rogerhimselfalmostcreatedanotherrecordbymakingbettingpay.Hisbook,showinghowtodoit,wasactuallyinthepresswhendisasterovertookhim.

Hebeganbydropping(insportingparlance)acoolthousandontheJackJoelSellingPlateatNewmarket.Onthenextracehedroppedacoolfivehundred,andlateronintheafternoonacoolseventy-fivepoundsten.ThefollowingdayfoundhimatLingfield,wherehedroppedacoolmonkey(toperseverewiththelanguageoftheracingstable)ontheSollyJoelCup,pickedituponthenextrace,droppedacoolpony,droppedanothercoolmonkey,droppedacoolwallaby,pickedupacoolhippopotamus,andfinally,inthelastraceoftheday,droppedacoupleoflukewarmferrets.Inshort,hewas(astheysayatTattersall’sCorner)entirelycleanedout.

Whenayoungersoniscleanedoutthereisonlyonethingforhimtodo.RogerStVeraxknewinstinctivelywhatitwas.Heboughtanewsilkhatandashortblackcoat,andwentintotheCity.

Whatawonderfulplace,dearreader,istheCity!You,madam,whoreadthisinyourdaintilyupholsteredboudoir,canknowbutlittleofthegreatheartoftheCity,eventhoughyouhavedriventhroughitsarteriesonyourwaytoLiverpoolStreetStation,andhavenotedthebareandsmoothlybrushedpollsoftheyoungernatives.You,sir,inyourcountryvicarage,arenolessinnocent,eventhoughonsultryafternoonsyouhavecoveredyourheadwiththeFinancialSupplementofTheTimesinmistakefortheLiterarySupplement,andhavethus

SupplementofTheTimesinmistakefortheLiterarySupplement,andhavethushadthrustuponyouthestirringnewsthatBango-Bangosweregoingup.AndI,dearfriends,amequallyignorantofthesecretsoftheStockExchange.IknowthatitsmembersfrequentlywalktoBrighton,andstillmorefrequentlystaythere;thatwhilefindingahomeforallthegoodstorieswhichhavebeengoingtheroundsforyears,theysometimesinvententirelynewonesforthemselvesabouttheChancelloroftheExchequer;andthattheysingtheNationalAnthemverysternlyinunisonwhenoccasiondemandsit.Buttheremustbesomethingmoreinitthanthis,orwhyareBango-Bangosstillgoingup?

Idon’tknow.AndIamsorrytosaythatevenRogerStVerax,aDirectoroftheBango-BangoDevelopmentCompany,isnotveryclearaboutitall.

ItwasasaDirectoroftheBango-BangoExplorationCompanythathetookuphislifeintheCity.Asitsnameimplies,theCompanywasoriginallyformedtoexploreBango-Bango,animpenetrabledistrictinNorthAustralia;butwhenitcametothepointitwasfoundmuchmoreprofitabletoexploreHampstead,ClaphamCommon,Blackheath,Ealingandotherrichandfashionablesuburbs.Anumberofhopefulladiesandgentlemenhavingbeenlocatedintheseparts,theCompanywentaheadrapidly,andin1907anewprospectorwassentouttoreplacetheonewhowasassumedtohavebeeneaten.

In1908,Rogerfirstheardthemagicword“reconstruction,”andtohissurprisefoundhimselfinpossessionoftwentythousandpoundsandaDirectorshipofthenewBango-BangoMiningCompany.

In1909apieceofrealgoldwasidentified,andtheshareswentuplikearocket.

In1910theStockExchangesuddenlywoketothefactthatrubbertyresweremadeofrubber,andinamomenttheGreatBoomwassprunguponanamazedCity.TheBango-BangoDevelopmentCompanywasimmediatelyformedtotakeovertheBango-BangoMiningCompany(togetherwithitsprospector,ifalive,itsplant,shaftsandotherproperty,notforgettingthepieceofgold)andmoreparticularlytodevelopthevegetableresourcesofthedistrictwiththeviewofplantingrubbertreesintheimmediatefuture.Aneatlycompiledprospectusputmattersveryclearlybeforethestay-at-homeEnglishman.Itexplainedquiteconciselythat,supposingthetreeswereplantedsomanyfeetapartthroughoutthewholepropertyoffivethousandsquaremiles,andallowingacertainperiodforthegrowthofatreetomaturity,andputtingtheaverageyieldofrubberpertreeat,inroundfigures,somuch,andassumingforthesakeofconveniencethatrubberwouldremainatitspresentprice,andestimatingthecostofworkingthe

rubberwouldremainatitspresentprice,andestimatingthecostofworkingtheplantationatsay,roughly,100,000pounds,why,thenitwasobviousthattheprofitswouldbeanythingyoulikeduptotwobillionayear—while(thiswasimportant)morelandcoulddoubtlessbeacquirediftheshare-holdersthoughtfit.Andevenifyouwerecertainthatarubber-treecouldn’tpossiblygrowintheBango-Bangodistrict(asinconfidenceitcouldn’t),stillitwasworthtakingsharespurelyasaninvestment,seeinghowrapidlyrubberwasgoingup;nottomentionthefactthatRogerStVerax,thewell-knownfinancier,wasaDirector…andsoon.

InshorttheBango-BangoDevelopmentCompanywas,inthelanguageoftheCity,asafething.

Letmehastentotheendofthisstory.Attheendof1910Rogerwasamillionaire;andforquiteaweekafterwardsheusedtowonderwhereallthemoneyhadcomefrom.Intheolddays,whenhewonacoolthousandbybetting,heknewthatsomebodyelsehadlostacoolthousandbybetting,butitdidnotseemtobesointhiscase.Hehadmethundredsofmenwhohadmadefortunesthroughrubber;hehadmethundredswhobitterlyregrettedthattheyhadmissedmakingafortune;buthehadnevermetanyonewhohadlostafortune.ThismadehimthinktheCityanevenmorewonderfulplacethanbefore.

Butbeforehecouldbehappythereremainedonethingforhimtodo;hemustfindsomebodytosharehishappiness.Hecalledonhisoldfriend,MaryBrown,oneSunday.

“Mary,”hesaid,withthebriskconfidenceoftheCityman,“IfindI’mdisengagednextTuesday.WillyoumeetmeatStGeorge’sChurchattwo?Ishouldliketoshowyouthecurateandthevestry,andoneortwothingslikethat.”

“Why,what’shappened?”

“Iamamillionaire,”saidRogercalmly.“SolongasIonlyhadmybeggarlypittance,Icouldnotaskyoutomarryme.Therewasnothingforitbuttowaitinpatience.Ithasbeenalongwearywait,dear,butthesunhasbrokenthroughthecloudsatlast.Iamnowinapositiontosupportawife.Tuesdayattwo,”hewenton,consultinghispocketdiary;“orIcouldgiveyouhalfanhouronMondaymorning.”

“Butwhythisextraordinaryhurry?Whymayn’tIbemarriedproperly,with

“Butwhythisextraordinaryhurry?Whymayn’tIbemarriedproperly,withpresentsandthings?”

“Mydear,”saidRogerreproachfully,“youforget.IamaCitymannow,anditisimperativethatIshouldbemarriedatonce.Onlyamarriedman,witheverythinginhiswife’sname,canfacewithconfidencethegiveandtakeofthebustlingCity.”

AFEWFRIENDS

MARGERY

I.—ATWICETOLDTALE

“Isthatyou,uncle?”saidavoicefromthenursery,asIhungmycoatupinthehall.“I’veonlygotmyskinon,butyoucancomeup.”

However,shewassittingupinbedwithhernightgownonwhenIfoundher.

“Iwashavingmybathwhenyoucame,”sheexplained.“HaveyoucomeallthewayfromLondon?”

“Alltheway.”

“Thenwillyoutellmeastory?”

“Ican’t;I’mgoingtohavemydinner.IonlycameuptosayGood-night.”

Margeryleantforwardandwhisperedcoaxingly,“WillyoujusttellmeaboutBeautyand‘eBeast?”

“ButI’vetoldyouthatsuchheapsoftimes.Andit’smuchtoolongforto-night.”

“TellmeHALFofit.AsmuchasTHAT.”Sheheldherhandsaboutnineinchesapart.

“That’stoomuch.”

“AsmuchasTHAT.”Thehandscamealittlenearertogether.

“Oh!Well,I’lltellyouuptowheretheBeastdied.”

“FOUGHThedied,”shecorrectedeagerly.

“Yes.Well—”

“Howmuchwillthatbe?AsmuchasIsaid?”

Inodded.Thepreliminarybusinesssettled,shegavealittlesighofhappiness,putherarmsroundherknees,andwaitedbreathlesslyforthestoryshehadheardtwentytimesbefore.

“Onceuponatimetherewasamanwhohadthreedaughters.Andoneday—”

“Whatwastheman’sname?”

“Margery,”Isaidreproachfully,annoyedattheinterruption,“youknowINEVERtellyoutheman’sname.”

“Tellmenow.”

“Oswald,”Isaid,afteramoment’sthought.

“ItoldDaddyitwasThomas,”saidMargerycasually.

“Well,asamatteroffact,hehadtwonames,OswaldANDThomas.”

“Whydidhehavetwonames?”

“Incasehelostone.Well,onedaythisman,whowasverypoor,heardthatalotofmoneywaswaitingforhiminashipwhichhadcomeovertheseatoatownsomemilesoff.Sohe—”

“WasitwaitingatWeymouf?”

“Somewherelikethat.”

“IspexitmusthavebeenWeymouf,becausethere’slotsofseathere.”

“Yes,I’msureitwas.Well,hethoughthe’dgotoWeymouthandgetthemoney.”

“Howmuchmonieswasit?”

“Oh,lotsandlots.”

“Asmuchasfivepennies?”

“Yes,aboutthat.Well,hesaidGood-byetohisdaughters,andaskedthemwhatthey’dlikehimtobringbackforapresent.Andthefirstaskedforsomelovelyjewelsanddiamondsand—”

“Likemummy’slocket—isTHATjewels?”

“Thatsortofidea.Well,shewantedalotofthingslikethat.Andthesecondwantedsomebeautifulclothes.”

“Whatsortofclothes?”

“Oh,frocksand—well,frocksandallsortsof—er—frocks.”

“Didshewantanylovelynewstockings?”

“Yes,shewantedthreepairsofthose.”

“Anddidshewantanylovely—”

“Yes,”Isaidhastily,“shewantedlotsofthose,too.LotsofEVERYTHING.”

Margerygavealittlesobofhappiness.“Goontellingme,”shesaidunderherbreath.

“Well,thethirddaughterwascalledBeauty.Andshethoughttoherself,‘PoorFatherwon’thaveanymoneyleftatall,ifweallgoonlikethis!’Soshedidn’taskforanythingveryexpensive,likeherselfishsisters,sheonlyaskedforarose.Asimpleredrose.”

Margerymoveduneasily.

“Ihope,”shesaidwistfully,“thisbitisn’tgoingtobeabout—YOUknow.Itneverdidbefore.”

“Aboutwhat?”

“Goodlittlegirlsandbadlittlegirls,andfingslikethat.”

“Mydarling,no,ofcoursenot.Itolditwrong.Beautyaskedforarosebecauseshelovedrosesso.Anditwasaveryparticularkindofredrosethatshewanted—asortthattheysimplyCOULDN’Tgettogrowintheirowngardenbecauseofthesoil.”

ofthesoil.”

“Goontellingme,”saidMargery,withadeepsighofcontent.

“Well,hestartedofftoWeymouth.”

“Whatdaydidhestart?”

“ItwasMonday.Andwhen—”

“Oh,well,anyhow,ItolddaddyitwasTuesday.”

“Tuesday—nowletmethink.Yes,Ibelieveyou’reright.BecauseonMondayhewenttoameetingoftheVegetableGardeners,andproposedthehealthoftheChairman.Yes,wellhestartedoffonTuesday,andwhenhegottherehefoundthattherewasnomoneyforhimatall!”

“Ispexsomebodyhadtakenit,”saidMargerybreathlessly.

“Well,ithadallgoneSOMEHOW.”

“Perhapssomebodyhadswallowedit,”saidMargery,alittlecarriedawaybythesubject.“Bymistake.”

“Anyhow,itwasgone.Andhehadtocomehomeagainwithoutanymoney.Hehadn’tgonefar—”

“Howfar?”askedMargery.“AsfarasTHAT?”andshemeasurednineinchesintheair.

“Aboutforty-fourmiles—whenhecametoabeautifulgarden.”

“Wasitareallylovelybiggarden?Biggerthanours?”

“Oh,muchbigger.”

“Biggerthanyours?”

“Ihaven’tgotagarden.”

Margerylookedatmewonderingly.Sheopenedhermouthtospeak,andthenstoppedandrestedherheaduponherhandsandthoughtoutthisnewsituation.

stoppedandrestedherheaduponherhandsandthoughtoutthisnewsituation.Atlast,herfaceflushedwithhappiness,sheannouncedherdecision.

“GoontellingmeaboutBeautyandtheBeastnow,”shesaidbreathlessly,“andTHENtellmewhyyouhaven’tgotagarden.”

MyaveragetimeforBeautyandtheBeastistenminutes,and,ifwestopattheplacewhentheBeastthoughthewasdead,sixminutestwenty-fiveseconds.But,withtheaidofseeminglyinnocentquestions,adeterminedcharactercanmakeeventhecraftiestunclespinthestoryouttohalfanhour.

“Nexttime,”saidMargery,whenwehadreachedtheappointedplaceandshewasbeingtuckedupinbed,“willyoutellmeALLthestory?”

Wastheretheshadowofasmileinhereyes?Idon’tknow.ButI’msureitwillbewisestnexttimetopromiseherthewholething.Wemustmakethatpointclearattheverystart,andthenweshallgetalong.

II.—THELITERARYART

MARGERYhasapassionforwritingjustnow.Icanseenothinginitmyself,butifpeopleWILLwrite,Isupposeyoucan’tstopthem.

“Willyoujustlendmeyourpencil?”sheasked.

“Remindmetogiveyouahundredpencilssometime,”IsaidasItookitout,“andthenyou’llalwayshaveone.Yousimplyeatpencils.”

“Oo,Igaveityoubacklasttime.”

“Onlyjust.Youinveiglemedownhere—”

“WhatdoIdo?”

“I’mnotgoingtosaythatagainforanybody.”

“Well,mayIhavethepencil?”

Igaveherthepencilandasheetofpaper,andsettledherinachair.

“B-a-b-y,”saidMargerytoherself,planningoutherweeklyarticlefortheReviews.“B-a-b-y,baby.”Shesquaredherelbowsandbegantowrite….

“There!”shesaid,afterfiveminutes’composition.

Themanuscriptwasbroughtovertothecritic,andtheauthorstoodproudlybytopointoutsubtletiesthatmighthavebeenoverlookedatafirstreading.

“B-a-b-y,”explainedtheauthor.“Baby.”

“Yes,that’sverygood;veryneatlyexpressed.‘Baby’—Ilikethat.”

“ShallIwritesomemore?”saidMargeryeagerly.

“Yes,dowritesomemore.Thisisgood,butit’snotlongenough.”

Theauthorretiredagain,andinfiveminutesproducedthis:—

BABY

“That’s‘baby,’”explainedMargery.

“Yes,Ilikethatbabybetterthantheotherone.It’smorespreadout.Andit’sbigger—it’soneofthebiggestbabiesI’veseen.”

“ShallIwritesomemore?”

“Don’tyouwriteanythingelseever?”

“Ilikewriting‘baby,’”saidMargerycarelessly.“B-a-b-y.”

“Yes,butyoucan’tdomuchwithjustthatoneword.Supposeyouwantedtowritetoamanatashop—‘DearSir,—Youneversentmemyboots.Pleasesendthematonce,asIwanttogooutthisafternoon.Iam,yoursfaithfully,Margery’—itwouldbenogoodsimplyputting‘B-a-b-y,’becausehewouldn’tknowwhatyoumeant.”

“Well,whatWOULDitbegoodputting?”

“Ah,that’sthewholeartofwriting—toknowwhatitwouldbeanygoodputting.Youwanttolearnlotsandlotsofnewwords,soastobeready.Nowhere’sajollylittleonethatyououghttomeet.”ItookthepencilandwroteGOT.“Got.G-o-t,got.”

Margery,herelbowsonmykneeandherchinrestingonherhands,studiedtheposition.

“Yes,that’sold‘got,’”shesaid.

“He’salwayscomingin.Whenyouwanttosay,‘I’vegotabadpain,soIcan’tacceptyourkindinvitation’;orwhenyouwanttosay,‘Excusemore,asI’vegottogotobednow’;orquitesimply,‘You’vegotmypencil.’”

“G-o-t,got,”saidMargery.“G-o-t,got.G-o-t,got.”

“Withappropriateactionitmakesaverynicerecitation.”

“IsTHATa‘g’?”saidMargery,busywiththepencil,whichshehadsnatched

“IsTHATa‘g’?”saidMargery,busywiththepencil,whichshehadsnatchedfromme.

“Thegentlemanwiththetail.Youhaven’tmadehistailquitelongenough….That’sbetter.”

Margeryretiredtoherstudy,chargedwithanentirelynewinspiration,andwrotehersecondmanifesto.Itwasthis:—

GOT

“Got,”shepointedout.

Iinspecteditcarefully.ComingfreshtotheideaMargeryhadtreateditmorespontaneouslythantheother.Butitwasdistinctlya“got.”Oneofthegots.

“Haveyouanymorewords?”sheasked,holdingtighttothepencil.

“You’veaboutexhaustedme,Margery.”

“Whatwasthatoneyousaidjustnow?Theoneyousaidyouwouldn’tsayagain?”

“Oh,youmean‘inveigle’?”Isaid,pronouncingitdifferentlythistime.

“Yes;writethatforme.”

“Ithardlyevercomesin.Onlywhenyouarewritingtoyoursolicitor.”

“What’s‘solicitor’?”

“He’sthegentlemanwhotakesthemoney.He’sALWAYScomingin.”

“Thenwrite‘solicitor.’”

Itookthepencil(itwasmyturnforit)andwroteSOLICITOR.ThenIreaditoutslowlytoMargery,speltittoherthreetimesverycarefully,andwroteSOLICITORagain.ThenIsaiditthoughtfullytomyselfhalfadozentimes—“Solicitor.”ThenIlookedatitwonderingly.

“Iamnotsurenow,”Isaid,“thatthereissuchaword.”

“Why?”

“IthoughttherewaswhenIbegan,butnowIdon’tthinktherecanbe.‘Solicitor’—itseemssosilly.”

“Letmewriteit,”saidMargery,eagerlytakingthepaperandpencil,“andseeifitlookssilly.”

itlookssilly.”

Sheretired,and—aswellasshecouldforherexcitement—copiedtheworddownunderneath.Thecombinedeffortthenreadasfollows:—

SOLICITORSOLICITORSOLCTOR

“Yes,you’vedoneitalotofgood,”Isaid.“You’vetakensomeofthecreasesout.Ilikethatmuchbetter.”

“Doyouthinkthereissuchawordnow?”

“I’mbeginningtofeelmoreeasyaboutit.I’mnotcertain,butIhope.”

“SodoI,”saidMargery.Withthepencilinonehandandthevariousscrapsofpaperintheother,sheclimbedontothewriting-deskandgaveherselfuptoliterature….

Anditseemstomethatsheiswellequippedforthetask.Forbesideshavingmypencilstill(ofwhichIsaynothingforthemoment)shehasnowthreeseparatethemesuponwhichtoringthechanges—arangewideenoughforanywriter.Theseare,“Babygotsolicitor”(supposingthatthereissuchaword),“Solicitorgotbaby,”and“Gotbabysolicitor.”Indeed,therearereallyfourthemeshere,forthelastonecanhavetwointerpretations.ItmightmeanthatyouhadobtainedanordinarysolicitorforBaby,oritmightmeanthatyouhadgotaspeciallysmalloneforyourself.Itlacks,therefore,thelucidityofthebestauthors,butinawomanwriterthismaybeforgiven.

III.—MYSECRETARY

When,fiveyearsago,IusedtowritelongletterstoMargery,forsomereasonorothersheneverwroteback.TosaveherfaceIhadtoanswerthelettersmyself—atediousbusiness.Still,Imustadmitthatthewarmthandgenialityoftherepliesgavemeacertainstandingwithmyfriends,whohadnotlookedformetobesopopular.Aftersomemonths,however,pridesteppedin.Onecannotpouroutletterafterlettertoaladywithoutanyacknowledgmentsavefromoneself.Andwhenevenmyownacknowledgmentsbegantolosetheirfirstwarmth—when,forinstance,IansweredfourpagesaboutmynewpianolawiththecurtreminderthatIwaslearningtowalkandcouldn’tbebotheredwithmusic,why,thenatlastIsawthatacorrespondencesoone-sidedwouldhavetocometoanend.I

lastIsawthatacorrespondencesoone-sidedwouldhavetocometoanend.Iwroteafarewellletterandrepliedtoitwithtears….

But,blessyou,thatwasnearlyfiveyearsago.Eachmorningnow,amongtheusualpileofnotesonmyplatefromduchesses,publishers,money-lenders,actor-managersandwhatnot,Ifind,likelyenough,anenvelopeinMargery’sownhandwriting.Notonlyismyaddressprinteduponitlegibly,buttherearealsosuchextradirectionstothepostmanas“England”and“Important,”foritsmorespeedyarrival.Andinside—well,Igiveyouthelastbutseven.

“MYDEARUNCLEIthotyouwhercomingtoseemetonightbutyoudidn’twhydidn’tyoubabyhasptohurtherkneeisntthatapityIhavesomenewtoysisntthatjollywedidn’thaveourfiveminutessowillyoukritetomeandtellmeallaboutptoyourworkfromyourlovinglittleMARGIE.”

Ialwaysthinkthatfootnotestoaletterareamistake,butthereareoneortwothingsIshouldliketoexplain.

(A)Justassomejournalistsfeelthatwithouttheword“economic”aleadingarticlelackstone,soMargeryfeels,andIagreewithher,thatacertaincachetislenttoaletterbyap.t.o.atthebottomofeachpage.

(B)Therearelotsofgrown-uppeoplewhothinkthat“write”isspelt“rite.”Margeryknowsthatthisisnotso.Sheknowsthatthereisasilentletterinfrontofthe“r,”whichdoesn’tdoanythingbutlikestobethere.Obviously,ifnobodyisgoingtotakeanynoticeofthisextraletter,itdoesn’tmuchmatterwhatitis.Margeryhappenedtowanttomakea“k”justthen;atapinchitcouldbeassilentasa“w.”Youwillplease,therefore,regardthe“k”in“krite”asabsolutelynoiseless.

(C)BothMargeryandBernardShawprefertoleaveouttheapostropheinwritingsuchwordsas“isn’t”and“don’t.”

(D)YearsagoIclaimedtheprivilegetomonopolise,ontheoccasionaleveningswhenIwasthere,Margery’slasttenminutesbeforeshegoesbacktosomeheavenofherowneachnight.Thisprivilegewasgranted;itbeingfelt,nodoubt,thatsheowedmesomecompensationformyearlysecretarialworkonherbehalf.Weusedtospendthetenminutesinlisteningtomytellingafairystory,alwaysthesameone.Onedaytheauthoritiessteppedinandannouncedthatinfuturethetenminuteswouldbereducedtofive.Theprocedureseemedtomeabsolutelyillegal(andIshouldliketobringatestactionagainstsomebody),but

absolutelyillegal(andIshouldliketobringatestactionagainstsomebody),butitcertainlydidputthelidonmyfairystory,ofwhichIwasgettingmorethanalittletired.

“TellmeaboutBeautyandtheBeast,”saidMargeryasusualthatevening.

“There’snottime,”Isaid.“We’veonlyfiveminutesto-night.”

“Oh!Thentellmealltheworkyou’vedoneto-day.”

(Alittleunkind,you’llagree,butyouknowwhatrelationsare.)

AndsonowIhavetocramtherecordofmyday’sworkintofivebreathlessminutes.YouwillunderstandwhatbarejusticeIcandotoitinthetime.

Iamsorrythatthesefootnoteshavegrownsobig;letusleavethemandreturntotheletter.Therearemanywaysofansweringsuchaletter.Onemightsay,“MYDEARMARGERY,—Itwasjollytogetarealletterfromyouatlast—”butthe“atlast”wouldseemrathertactlessconsideringwhathadpassedyearsbefore.Oronemightsay,“MYDEARMARGERY,—Thankyouforyourjollyletter.Iamsosorryaboutbaby’skneeandsogladaboutyourtoys.Perhapsifyougaveoneofthetoystobaby,thenherknee—”ButIfeelsurethatMargerywouldexpectmetodobetterthanthat.

IntheparticularcaseofthislastletterbutsevenIwrote:—

“DEARESTMARGERY,—Thankyouforyoursweetletter.IhadaverybusydayattheofficeorIwouldhavecometoseeyou.P.T.O.—Ihopetobedownnextweek,andthenIwilltellyouallaboutmywork;butIhavealotmoretodonow,andsoImustsayGood-bye.YourlovingUNCLE.”

Thereisperhapsnothinginthatwhichdemandsanimmediateanswer,butwithbusiness-likepromptitudeMargeryreplied:—

“MYDEARUNCLEthankyouforyourletterIamgladyouarecomingnextweekbabyisquitewellnowareyouptocomingonThursdaynextweekornotsayyesifyouareIamptosorryyouareworkingsohardfromyourlovingMARGIE.”

Isaid“Yes,”andthatIwasherlovinguncle.Itseemedtobethentoolatefora“P.T.O.,”butIgotoneinandputontheback,“LovetoBaby.”Theanswercamebyreturnofpost:—

camebyreturnofpost:—

“MYDEARUNCLEthankyouforyourlettercomeerlyonptoThursdaycomeathalfpastnothingbabysendsherloveandsodoptoImyrokinghorsehasasirrupbrokenisntthatapitysayyesornogood-byefromyourlovingMARGIE.”

OfcourseIthankedBabyforherloveandgavemydecisionthatitWASapityabouttherocking-horse.Ididitinlargecapitals,which(asIoughttohavesaidbefore)isthemeansofcommunicationbetweenMargeryandherfriends.ForsomereasonorotherIfindprintingcapitalstobemoretiringthantheordinarymethodofwriting.

“MYDEARUNCLE,”wroteMargery—

Butweneednotgointothat.WhatIwanttosayisthis:Ilovetogetletters,particularlythese,butIhatewritingthem,particularlyincapitals.Yearsago,IusedtoanswerMargery’slettersforher.Itisnowherturntoanswermineforme.

CHUM

ITisChum’sbirthdayto-morrow,andIamgoingtobuyhimalittlewhipforapresent,withawhistleattheendofit.WhenInextgointothecountrytoseehimIshalltakeitwithmeandexplainittohim.Twodays’firmnesswouldmakehimquiteasensibledog.Ihaveoftenthreatenedtobeginthetreatmentonmyverynextvisit,butsomehowithasbeenputoff;theoccasionofhisbirthdayoffersalastopportunity.

Itisratherabsurd,though,totalkofbirthdaysinconnectionwithChum,forhehasbeennomorethanthreemonthsoldsincewehavehadhim.Heisablackspanielwhohasnevergrownup.Hehasabeautifulastrakhancoatwhichgleamswhenthesunisonit;buthestandssolowinthewaterthatthefrontofitisalwaysgettingdirty,andhisearsandtheendsofhistrouserstrailinthemud.Agreatauthorityhastoldusthat,butforthreewhitehairsonhisshirt(uponsolittledoclassdistinctionshang),hewouldbeaCockerofirreproachablebirth.AstillgreaterauthorityhasswornthatheisaSussex.Thefamilyisindifferent—itonlycallshimaSillyAss.WhyhewaschristenedChumIdonotknow;andasheneverrecognizesthenameitdoesn’tmatter.

WhenhefirstcametostaywithusItookhimawalkroundthevillage.Iwantedtoshowhimthelieoftheland.Hehadneverseenthecountrybeforeandwasfullofinterest.Hetrottedintoacottagegardenandcamebackwithsomethingtoshowme.

“You’llneverguess,”hesaid.“Look!”andhedroppedatmyfeetachickjustoutoftheegg.

Ismackedhisheadandtookhimintothecottagetoexplain.

“Mydog,”Isaid,“haseatenoneofyourchickens.”

Chumnudgedmeintheankleandgrinned.

“TWOofyourchickens,”Icorrectedmyself,lookingatthefreshevidencewhichhehadjustbroughttolight.

“Youdon’twantmeanymore?”saidChum,asthefinancialarrangementsproceeded.“ThenI’lljustgoandfindsomewhereforthesetwo.”Andhepicked

proceeded.“ThenI’lljustgoandfindsomewhereforthesetwo.”Andhepickedthemupandtrottedintothesun.

WhenIcameoutIwasgreetedeffusively.

“Thisisawonderfulday,”hepanted,ashewriggledhisbody.“Ididn’tknowthecountrywaslikethis.Whatdowedonow?”

“Wegohome,”Isaid,andwewent.

ThatwasChum’slastdayoffreedom.Hekeepsinsidethefrontgatenow.Butheisstillahappydog;thereisplentydoinginthegarden.Therearebedstowalkover,thereareblackbirdsintheappletreetobarkat.Theworldisstillfullofwonderfulthings.“Why,onlylastWednesday,”hewilltellyou,“thefishmongerlefthisbasketinthedrive.Therewasahaddockinit,ifyou’llbelieveme,formaster’sbreakfast,soofcourseIsaveditforhim.Iputitonthegrassjustinfrontofhisstudywindow,wherehe’dbeSUREtonoticeit.Blessyou,there’salwaysSOMETHINGtodointhishouse.Oneisneveridle.”

Andevenwhenthereisnothingdoing,heisstillhappy;waitingcheerfullyuponeventsuntiltheyarrangethemselvesforhisamusement.Hewillsitfortwentyminutesoppositethegardenbank,watchingforabumble-beetocomeoutofitshole.“Isawhimgoin,”hesaystohimself,“sohe’sboundtocomeout.Extraordinarilyinterestingworld.”Buttohisinferiors(suchasthegardener)hepretendsthatitisnotpleasurebutdutywhichkeepshim.“Don’ttalktome,fool.Can’tyouseethatI’vegotajobonhere?”

Chumhasfound,however,thathisparticularmissioninlifeistopurgehismaster’sgardenofallbirds.Thiskeepshimbusy.Assoonasheseesablackbirdonthelawnheisinfullcryafterit.Whenhegetstotheplaceandfindstheblackbirdgone,hepretendsthathewasgoingthereanyhow;hegallopsroundincircles,rollsoveronceortwice,andthentrotsbackagain.“Youdidn’tREALLYthinkIwassuchafoolastotrytocatchaBLACKBIRD?”hesaystous.“No,Iwasjusttakingalittlerun—splendidthingforthefigure.”

AnditisjustChum’slittlerunsoverthebedswhichcallaloudforfirmness—which,infact,haveinspiredmybirthdaypresenttohim.Butthereisthisdifficultytoovercomefirst.Whenhecametolivewithusanarrangementwasenteredinto(sohesays)bywhichonebedwasgiventohimashisown.Inthatbedhecouldwanderatwill,buryingbonesandbiscuits,huntingbirds.Thismayhavebeenso,butitisapitythatnobodybutChumknowsdefinitelywhichisthe

havebeenso,butitisapitythatnobodybutChumknowsdefinitelywhichisthebed.

“Chum,youbounder,”Ishoutasheisabouttowadethroughtheherbaceousborder.

Hetakesnonotice;hestrugglesthroughtotheotherside.Butasuddenthoughtstrikeshim,andhepusheshiswaybackagain.

“Didyoucallme?”hesays.

“HowDAREyouwalkovertheflowers?”

Hecomesupmeekly.

“IsupposeI’vedoneSOMETHINGwrong,”hesays,“butIcan’tTHINKwhat.”

Ismackhisheadforhim.HewaitsuntilheisquitesureIhavefinished,andthenjumpsupwithabark,wipeshispawsonmytrousersandtrotsintotheherbaceousborderagain.

“Chum!”Icry.

Hesitsdowninitandlooksallroundhiminamazement.

“Myownbed!”hemurmurs.“Giventome!”

Idon’tknowwhatitisinhimwhichsocatchesholdofyou.Hiswayofsitting,areproachfulstatue,motionlessoutsidethewindowofwhomeverhewantstocomeoutandplaywithhim—untilyoucanbearitnolonger,butmusteithergointothegardenordrawdowntheblindsfortheday;hishabit,whenyouAREout,ofsittinguponhisbacklegsandbeggingyouwithhisfrontpawstocomeandDOsomething—atrickentirelyofhisowninvention,fornoonewouldthinkofteachinghimanything;hisfunnynauticalrollwhenhewalks,whichisnearlyaswagger,andgiveshimalwaystheairofhavingjustcomebackfromsomeratherdashingadventure;beyondallthisthereisstillsomething.Andwhateveritis,itissomethingwhicheverynowandthencompelsyoutobenddownandcatchholdofhislongsilkyears,tolookintohishonesteyesandsay—

“Yousillyoldass!YouDEARoldSILLYoldass!”

BETTY

THEHOTELCHILD

IWASintheloungewhenImadeheracquaintance,enjoyingapipeaftertea,andperhaps—Idon’tknow—closingmyeyesnowandthen.

“Wouldyouliketoseemyshells?”sheaskedsuddenly.

Iwokeupandlookedather.Shewasaboutsevenyearsold,pretty,dark,andverymuchatease.

“Ishouldloveit,”Isaid.

Sheproducedalargepaperbagfromsomewhere,andpouredthecontentsinfrontofme.

“I’vegottwohundredandfifty-eight,”sheannounced.

“SoIsee,”Isaid.Iwasn’tgoingtocountthem.”

“Ithinkthey’reverypretty.I’llgiveyouoneifyoulike.Whichonewillyouchoose?”

Isatupandexaminedthemcarefully.Seeinghowshortatimewehadknowneachother,Ididn’tfeelthatIcouldtakeoneofthegoodones.AfteralittlethoughtIchosequiteaplainone,whichhadbelongedtoawinklesomeweeksago.

“Thankyouverymuch,”Isaid.

“Idon’tthinkyouchooseshellsatallwell,”shesaidscornfully.“That’soneoftheuglyones.”

“Itwillgrowonme,”Iexplained.“InayearortwoIshallthinkitbeautiful.”

“I’llletyouhavethisonetoo,”saidshe,pickingoutthebest.“Now,shallweplayatsomething?”

playatsomething?”

Ihadbeenplayingatsomethingallday.Alittlethinkinginfrontofthefirewasmypresentprogramme.

“Let’stalkinstead,”Isuggested.“What’syourname?”

“Betty.”

“IknewitwasBetty.YoulookjustlikeBetty.”

“What’syours?”

SomehowIhadn’texpectedthat.Afterall,though,itwasonlyfair.

“Orlando,”Isaid.

“Whatafunnyname.Idon’tlikeit.”

“Youshouldhavesaidsobefore.It’stoolatenow.Whathaveyoubeendoingallday?”

“Playingonthesands.Whathaveyoubeendoing?”

“I’vebeenplayinginthesandtoo.Isuppose,Betty,youknownearlyeverybodyinthehotel?”

“Oh,Iplaywiththemallsometimes.”

“Yes;thentellme,Betty,doyouevergetaskedwhattimeyougotobed?”

“TheyALLaskmethat,”saidBettypromptly.

“IthinkIshouldliketoaskyoutoo,”Isaid,“justtobeinthemovement.Whenisit?”

“Half-pastsix.”Shelookedattheclock.“Sowe’vegothalfanhour.I’llgetmyball.”

BeforeIhadtimetodoanythingaboutit,theballcamebouncingin,hitmeon

BeforeIhadtimetodoanythingaboutit,theballcamebouncingin,hitmeonthesideofthehead,andhurriedofftohideitselfunderanoldladydozinginthecorner.Bettyfollowedmoresedately.

“Where’smyball?”sheasked.

“Hasitcomein?”Isaidinsurprise.“Thenitmusthavegoneoutagain.Itnoticedyouweren’there.”

“Ibelieveyou’vegotit.”

“IswearIhaven’t,Betty.Ithinktheladyinthecornerknowssomethingaboutit.”

Bettyrushedacrosstoherandbegantocrawlunderherchair.Inervouslyrehearsedafewsentencestomyself.

“Itisnotmychild,madam.Ifoundithere.Surelyyoucanseethatthereisnolikenessbetweenus?Ifwekeepquitestillperhapsitwillgoaway.”

“I’vegotit,”criedBetty,andtheoldladywokeupwithajerk.

“Whatareyoudoing,child?”shesaidcrossly.

“Yourlittlegirl,madam,”Ibegan—butBetty’sballbitmeontheheadagainbeforeIcoulddevelopmytheme.

“Yourlittlegirl,sir,”begantheoldladyatthesamemoment.

“Isaiditfirst,”Imurmured.“Betty,”Iwentonaloud,“whatisyourname,mychild?”

“You’vejustsaidit.”

“Imean,”Icorrectedmyselfquickly,“wheredoyoulive?”

“Kensington.”

Ilookedtriumphantlyattheoldlady.Surelyafatherwouldn’tneedtoaskhisownchildwhereshelived?However,theoldladywasasleepagain.IturnedtoBetty.

“Weshallhavetoplaythisgamemorequietly,”Isaid.“Infact,wehadbettermakesomenewrules.Insteadofhittingmeontheheadeachtime,youcanrolltheballgentlyalongthefloortome,andIshallrollitgentlybacktoyou.Andtheonewhomissesitfirstgoestobed.”

Igaveheraneasyonetostartwith,wishingtoworkupnaturallytothedenouement,andshegavemeaverydifficultoneback,notquiteunderstandingtheobjectofthegame.

“You’vegottogotobed,”shecried,clappingherhands.“You’vegot—togo—tobed.You’vegot—togo—tobed.You’ve—”

“Allright,”Isaidcoldly.“Don’tmakeasongaboutit.”

Itwastenminutespastsix.Igenerallygotobedateleven-thirty.ItwouldbethelongestnightIhadhadforyears.Isighedandpreparedtogo.

“Youneedn’tgotillhalf-past,”saidBettykindly.

“No,no,”Isaidfirmly.“Rulesarerules.”Ihadjustrememberedthattherewasnothingintherulesaboutnotgettingupagain.

“ThenI’llcomewithyouandseeyourroom.”

“No,youmustn’tdothat;you’dfalloutofthewindow.It’saverytrickywindow.I’malwaysfallingoutofitmyself.”

“Thenlet’sgoonplayinghere,andwewon’tgotobedifwemiss.”

“Verywell,”Iagreed.Reallytherewasnothingelseforit.

Robbedofitschiefinterest,thegameproved,aftertenminutesorso,tobeoneofthedullerones.Whateverpeoplesay,Idon’tthinkitcompareswithcricket,forinstance.Itiscertainlynotsosubtleasgolf.

“Ilikeplayingthisgame,”saidBetty.“Don’tyou?”

“IthinkIshallgettoloveit,”Isaid,lookingattheclock.Therewerestillfiveminutes,andIrolleddownaveryfastgooglywhichbeatherentirelyandwentstraightforthedoor.Undertheoldrulesshewouldhavegonetobedatonce.Alas,that—

Alas,that—

“Lookout,”Isaidasshewentafterit,“there’ssomebodycomingin.”

Somebodycamein.ShesmiledruefullyatusandthentookBetty’shand.

“I’mafraidmylittlegirlhasbeenworryingyou,”shesaidprettily.

“IKNEWyou’dsaythat,”saidBetty.

CINDERELLA

(BEINGANEXTRACTFROMHERDIARY—PICKEDUPBEHINDTHESCENES)

TUESDAY.—SometimesIthinkIamaveryluckygirlhavingtwobigsisterstolookafterme.Iexpecttherearelotsofyounggirlswhohavenobodyatall,andIthinktheymustbesolonely.Thereisalwaysplentyoffungoingoninourhouse.YesterdayIheardSisterFredtellingSisterBertsomethingaboutheroldmancominghomeverylateonenight—Ididn’tquiteunderstandwhotheoldmanwas,orwhatitwasallabout,butIknowSisterBertthoughtitwasveryfunny,andIseemedtohearalotofpeoplelaughing;perhapsitwasthefairies.AndthenwheneverSisterBertsitsdownshealwayspullsherskirtrightuptoherknees,soaspeoplecanseeherstockings.Imeanthere’salwaysSOMETHINGamusinghappening.

OfcourseIhaveagooddealofworktodo,andallthewashingup,butmysistersaresobigandstrongthatonecan’texpectthemtobotherthemselveswithnigglinglittlethingslikethat.Besides,theyhavesomanyotherthingstodo.Onlythismorning,whenSisterBertwasjustgoingtositdown,SisterFredpulledawayherchair,andshesatonthefloorandherlegswentupintheair.Shesaiditwasa“grandslam,”whichsomeofusthoughtveryfunny.Ididn’tlaughmyself,becauseInevergooutanywhere,andsoIdon’tunderstandtopicalremarks,butIdothinkitisnicetoliveinsuchanamusinghouse.

(LATER.)—Awonderfulthinghashappened!TwomessengerscamefromthePrinceanhouragotoinviteustotheballto-night!I’dneverseenamessengerinmylife,soIpeepedoutofthechimneycorneratthemandwonderediftheywouldstaytotea.Butinsteadofthatmysistersputupwhattheycalla“trapeze”(Ineverknewwehadonebefore),andthemessengersdidsomeEXTRAORDINARYthingsonit,Ithoughttheywouldkillthemselves.Afteritwasover,SisterFredtoldthemalotofstoriesabouttheoldman,andaltogetheritwasquitedifferentfromwhatIexpected.OursISafunnyhouse.

Assoonasthemessengershadgone,mysistersbegantogetreadyfortheball.IknewIshouldn’tbeabletogo,becauseIhaven’tgotafrock,andIsimplyCOULDN’Twearanythingoftheirs,theyaresomuchbiggerthanIam.TheyfinisheddressingDOWNSTAIRSforsomereason,whereanybodymighthaveseenthem—theyaresofunnyaboutthingslikethat—andwehadalotof

seenthem—theyaresofunnyaboutthingslikethat—andwehadalotoflaughterabouttheclothesbeingtootightandsoon.Ithinkanythinglikethatissoamusing.Thentheywentoff,andhereIamallalone.Itisgettingdark,andsoIamgoingtocheermyselfupbysingingalittle.

(LATER).—IAMGOINGTOTHEBALL!MyFairyGodmother,whomIhadoftenheardabout,suddenlycametoseeus.Itoldhermysisterswereout,andsheaskedwheretheyhadgone,andwouldn’tIliketogotoo,soofcourseIsaidIshouldLOVEit.SoIamgoing,andshehasgotafrockformeandeverything.Sheisverykind,butnotquitesoFAIRY-LIKEasIexpected.

WEDNESDAY.—IhavehadaLOVELYtime,andIthinkIaminlove.IgottotheBalljustasthejugglingandtheventriloquismwereover—itmustbeadelightfulCourttolivein—andtherewasSUCHasensationasIappeared.ThePrincesingledmeoutatonce.HehasthepinkestcheeksandthereddestlipsofanymanIknow,andhisvoiceissoftandgentle,andoh!Ilovehim.Onewantsamantobemanlyandawomantobewomanly,andIdon’tthinkIshouldloveamanifhewereatalllikeSisterFredorSisterBert.ThePrinceisQUITEdifferent.Wewerealonemostofthetime,andwesangseveralsongstogether.Mysistersneverrecognizedme;itwasmostsurprising.IheardSisterFredtellingaveryfine-lookinggentlemanastoryaboutalodger(whateverthatis)whohadabitofahead;itsoundedveryhumorous.WhereverSisterFredgoesthereissuretobefun.IamindeedaluckygirltohavetwosuchsistersandtobeinlovewithaPrince.SisterBertsatdownonthefloortwice—itwasmostamusing.

Aterriblethinghappenedjustastheclockstrucktwelve.Allmyclothesturnedintorags,andIjustRANoutoftheroom,Iwassofrightened.ThenIrememberedwhatmyFairyGodmotherhadsaidaboutleavingbeforetwelveo’clock.IsupposesheknewwhatwouldhappenifIdidn’t.I’mafraidIleftaglassslipperbehind—Ihopeshewon’tmindaboutit.

Well,I’vehadalovelytime.EvenifIneverseethePrinceagain,Ishallalwayshavethistolookbackto.Idon’tmindWHAThappensnow.

THURSDAY.—IAMGOINGTOMARRYTHEPRINCE!Ican’tbelieveitistrue.Perhapsitisonlyadream,andIshallwakeupsoon,butevenifit’sadreamit’sjustasgoodasifitwerereal.ItwasallbecauseoftheslipperIleftbehind.ThePrincesaidthathewouldmarrythepersonwhomitfitted,becausehehadfalleninlovewiththeladywhoworeitattheball(ME!),andso

hehadfalleninlovewiththeladywhoworeitattheball(ME!),andsoeverybodytriediton.Andtheycametoourhouse,andSisterBerttriediton.Shepulledherskirtuptoherkneesandmadeeverybodylaugh,buteventhenshecouldn’tgetintoit.AndSisterFredmadealotoffaces,butSHEcouldn’t.SoIsaid,“LetMEtry,”andtheyalllaughed,butthePrincesaidIshould,andofcourseitfittedatonce.Thentheyallrecognizedme,andthePrincekissedme,andawholelotofpeoplecameintothehousewhohadneverbeeninvited,andwehadthetrapezeoutagain,andtherewasjugglingandventriloquism,andweallsangsongsaboutsomebodycalledFlanagan(whomIdon’tthinkIhaveevermet),andSisterBertkeptsittingdownsuddenlyonthefloor.(ButthePrincedidn’tthinkthiswasatallfunny,soIexpectImusthavebeenrightallthetimewhenIhaveonlyPRETENDEDtolaugh.IusedtothinkthatperhapsIhadn’tasenseofhumour.)AndthenthePrincekissedmeagain,andmyFairyGodmothercameinandkissedusboth.Ofcoursewedooweitalltoherreally,andIshalltellCharmingso.

IdothinkIamawonderfulperson!

FATHERCHRISTMAS

Outsideinthestreettherainfellpitilessly,butinsidetheChildren’sShopallwaswarmthandbrightness.Happyyoungpeopleofallagespressedalong,andIhadnosooneropenedthedoorthanIwasreceivedintotheeagerstreamofshoppersandhurriedawaytoFairyland.Aslightblockatonecornerpitchedmeintoanold,white-beardedgentlemanwhowasstandingnexttome.Instantlymyhatwasinmyhand.

“Ibegyourpardon,”Isaidwithabow.“Iwas—Oh,I’msorry,Ithoughtyouwerereal.”Istraightenedhimup,lookedathisprice,andwonderedwhetherIshouldbuyhim.

“Whatdoyoumeanbyreal?”hesaid.

Istartedviolentlyandtookmyhatoffagain.

“Iamverystupidthismorning,”Ibegan.“ThefactisImistookyouforatoy.Afoolisherror.”

“IAMatoy.”

“Inthatcase,”Isaidinsomeannoyance,“Ican’tstayherearguingwithyou.Good-morning.”AndItookmyhatoffforthethirdtime.

“Don’tgo.Stopandbuyme.You’llnevergetwhatyouwantifyoudon’ttakemewithyou.I’vebeeninthisplaceforyears,andIknowexactlywhereeverythingis.Besides,asIshallhavetogiveawayallyourpresentsforyou,it’sonlyfairthat—”

Anattendantcameupandlookedatmeinquiringly.

“HowmuchisthisTHING?”Isaid,andjerkedathumbatit.

“TheFatherChristmas?”

“Yes.IthinkI’llhaveit.I’lltakeitwithme—youneedn’twrapitup.”

Ihandedoversomemoneyandwepushedontogether.

“YouheardwhatIcalledyou?”Isaidtohim.“Athing.Sodon’tgoputtingyourselfforward.”

Hegazedupinnocentlyfromundermyarm.

“Whatshallwegetfirst?”heasked.

“Iwanttheengine-room.Thelocomotiveinthehome.Theboy’sownrailroadtrack.”

“That’sdownstairs.Butdidyoureallythinkofanengine?Imean,isn’titratherlargeandheavy?Whynotgeta—”

Ismackedhishead,andwewentdownstairs.

Itwasadelightfulroom.IwasintroducedtopracticallythewholeoftheGreatWesternRailway’srollingstock.

“Engine,threecarriagesandaguard’svan.That’sright.ThenIshallwantsomerails,ofcourse….SHUTup,willyou?”Isaidangrily,whentheattendantwasoutofhearing.

“It’stheextraweight,”hesighed.“Thereindeerdon’tlikeit.Andthesemodernchimneys—you’venoideawhatasqueezeitis.However—”

“Thoseareveryjolly,”IsaidwhenIhadexaminedtherails.“Ishallwantaboutamileofthem.Threepenceha’pennyafoot?ThenIshan’twantnearlyamile.”

Igotaboutthirtyfeet,andthenturnedtoswitchesandsignalsandlampsandthings.Iboughtalotofthose.Youneverknowwhatemergencymightnotariseonthenurseryfloor,andifanythinghappenedforwantofaswitchortwoIshouldneverforgivemyself.

JustasweweregoingawayIcaughtsightofthejolliestlittleclockworktorpedoboat.Istoppedirresolute.

“Don’tbesilly,”saidthevoiceundermyarm.“You’llneverbeaskedtothehouseagainifyougivethat.”

“Whynot?”

“Waittillthechildrenhavefallenintothebathonceortwicewithalltheirclotheson,andthenaskthemotherwhynot.”

“Isee,”Isaidstiffly,andwewentupstairs.

“Thenextthingwewantisbricks.”

“Bricks,”saidFatherChristmasuneasily.“Bricks.Yes,there’sbricks.Haveyoueverthoughtofoneofthosenicelittlewoollyrabbits—”

“Wheredowegetbricks?”

“Bricks.Youknow,Idon’tthinkmothersareasfondasallthatofBRICKS.”

“Igotthemother’spresentyesterday,thanksverymuch.Thisisforoneofthechildren.”

Theyshowedmebricksandtheyshowedmepicturesofwhatthebrickswouldbuild.Palaces,simplypalaces.GonewastheBalbus-wallofouryouth;gonewasthefortwithitsarrow-holesforthearchers.NothingnowbuttemplesandMoorishpalaces.

“Jove,Ishouldlovethat,”Isaid.”ImeanHEwouldlovethat.Doyouwantmuchlandforahouseofthatsize?Iknowofasiteonthenurseryfloor,but—well,ofcourse,wecouldalwayshaveanironbuildingoutsideinthepassageforthebilliardtable.”

Wepaidandmovedoffagain.

“Whatareyoumumblingaboutnow?”Iasked.

“Isaidyou’llonlymaketheboydiscontentedwithhispresenthomeifyouteachhimtobuildnothingbutcastlesandruinedabbeysandthings.AndyouWILLruntobulk.Halfofthosebrickswouldhavemadeaverynicepresentforanybody.”

“Yes,andwhenroyaltycomesonavisit,wherewouldyouputthem?They’dhavetopigitinthebox-room.Ifwe’regoingtohaveapalace,let’shaveagoodone.”

one.”

“Verywell.Whatdoyourchildrenhangup?Stockingsorpillow-cases?”

Wewentdownstairsagain.

“Havingprovidedfortheengineerandthearchitect,”Isaid,“wenowhavetoconsiderthegentlemaninthedairybusiness.Iwantamilk-cart.”

“Youwantamilk-cart!Youwantamilk-cart!Youwanta—Whynothaveabrewer’sdray?Whynothavesomethingreallyheavy?Thereindeerwouldn’tmind.They’vebeenouteverydaythisweek,butthey’dloveit.Whataboutaniceskating-rink?Whatabout—”

Iputhimheaddownwardsinmypocketandapproachedanofficial.

“Doyoukeepmilk-carts?”Isaiddiffidently.

Hescreweduphisfaceandthought.

“Icouldgetyouone,”hesaid.

“Idon’twantyoutobuildonespeciallyforme.Iftheyaren’tmade,Iexpectit’sbecausemothersdon’tlikethem.Itwasjustanideaofmine.”

“Ohyes,they’remade.Icanshowapictureofoneinourcatalogue.”

Heshowedittome.Itwasaboutthesizeofaperambulator,andcontainedeverykindofcan.IsimplyhadtoletFatherChristmassee.

“Lookatthat!”Iexclaimedindelight.

“Goodlord!”hesaid,anddivedintothepocketagain.

Iheldhimtheretightlyandfinishedmybusinesswiththeofficial.

FatherChristmashasneverspokensince.SometimesIwonderifheeverspokeatall,foroneimaginesstrangethingsintheChildren’sShop.Hestandsnowonmywriting-table,andobservesmewiththefriendlysmilewhichhasbeensofixedafeatureofhissinceIbroughthimhome.

MISSMIDDLETON

I.—TAKINGACALL

“MAYIcomein?”saidMissMiddleton.

Ilookedupfrommybookandstaredatherinamazement.

“Hullo,”Isaid.

“Hullo,”saidMissMiddletondoubtfully.

“Areyougoingtohaveteawithme?”

“That’swhatIwaswonderingallthewayup.”

“It’sallready;infact,I’venearlyfinished.There’sacaketo-day,too.”

MissMiddletonhesitatedatthedoorandlookedwistfullyatme.

“Isuppose—Isuppose,”shesaidtimidly,“youthinkIoughttohavebroughtsomebody,withme?”

“Inaway,I’mjustasgladyoudidn’t.”

“I’veheapsofchaperonsoutsideonthestairs,youknow.”

“There’snoplacelikeoutsideforchaperons.”

“AndtheliftmanbelievesI’myouraunt.Atleast,perhapshedoesn’t,butImentionedittohim.”

Ilookedather,andthenIsmiled.AndthenIlaughed.

“Sothat’sallright,”shesaidbreathlessly.“AndIwantmytea.”Shecamein,andbegantoarrangeherhatinfrontoftheglass.

“Tea,”Isaid,goingtothecupboard.“Isupposeyou’llwantacuptoyourself.

“Tea,”Isaid,goingtothecupboard.“Isupposeyou’llwantacuptoyourself.Thereyouare—don’tloseit.Milk.Sugar.”

MissMiddletontookalargepieceofcake.“WhatwereyoustudyingsoearnestlywhenIcamein?”sheaskedasshemunched.

“Adictionary.”

“ButhowluckyIcame.BecauseIcanspellsimplyeverything.Whatisityouwanttoknow?”

“Idon’twanttoknowhowtospellanything,thankyou;butIbelieveyoucanhelpmeallthesame.”

MissMiddletonsatdownanddrankhertea.“Ilovehelping,”shesaid.

“Well,it’sthis.I’vejustbeenaskedtobeagodfather.”

MissMiddletonstoodupsuddenly.“DoIsalute,”sheasked.

“Yousitdownandgooneating.Thedifficultyis—whattocallit?”

“Oh,dogodfathersprovidethenames?”

“Ithinkso.Itiswhattheyaretherefor,Ifancy.Thatisaboutallthereisinit,Ibelieve.”

“Andcan’tyoufindanythinginthedictionary?”

“Well,Idon’tthinkthedictionaryishelpingasmuchasIexpected.Itonlymuddlesme.DidyouknowthatAlgernonmeant‘withwhiskers’?I’mnotthinkingofcallingitAlgernon,butthat’sthesortofthingtheyspringonyou.”

“ButIhateAlgernonanyhow.Whynotchoosequiteasimplename?Hadyouthoughtof‘John,’forinstance?”

“No,Ihadn’tthoughtof‘John,’somehow.”

“Or‘Gerald’?”

“‘Gerald’Ilikeverymuch.”

“Whatabout‘Dick’?”shewentoneagerly.

“Whatabout‘Dick’?”shewentoneagerly.

“Yes,‘Dick’isquitejolly.Bytheway,didItellyouitwasagirl?”

MissMiddletonrosewithdignity.

“ForyoursliceofplumcakeandyoursmallcupofteaIthankyou,”shesaid;“andIamnowgoingstraighthometomother.”

“Notyet,”Ipleaded.

“I’lljustaskyouonequestionbeforeIgo.Wheredoyoukeepthebiscuits?”

Shefoundthebiscuitsandsatdownagain.

“Agirl’sname,”Isaidencouragingly.

“Yes.Well,isshefairordark?”

“She’sverysmallatpresent.Whatthereisofherisdark,Ibelieve.”

“Well,therearemillionsofnamesfordarkgirls.”

“Weonlywantoneortwo.”

“‘Barbara’isanicedarkname.Isshegoingtobepretty?”

“Hermothersayssheis.Ididn’trecognizethesymptoms.Veryprettyandverycleverandveryhigh-spirited,hermothersays.Isthereanameforthat?”

“Ialwayscallthemwhoppers,”saidMissMiddleton.

“Howdoyoulike‘AlisonMary’?Thatwasmyfirstidea.”

“Oh,Ithoughtitwasalways‘WilliamandMary.’Orelse‘VictoriaandAlbert.’”

“Ididn’tsay‘AliceANDMary,’stoopid.Isaid‘Alison,’aScotchname.”

“Buthowperfectlysweet!Whyweren’tyouMYgodfather?Wouldyouhavegivenmeanapkinring?”

“Probably.Iwillnow,ifyoulike.Thenyouapproveof‘AlisonMary’?”

“Probably.Iwillnow,ifyoulike.Thenyouapproveof‘AlisonMary’?”

“Iloveit.Thankyouverymuch.Andwillyoualwayscallme‘Alison’infuture?”

“Isay,”Ibeganinalarm,“I’mnotgivingthatnametoyou.It’sformygodchild.”

“Ohno!‘Alisons’areALWAYSfair.”

“You’vejustmadethatup,”Isaidsuspiciously.“Howdoyouknow?”

“Sortofinstinct.”

“Theworstofitis,Ibelieveyou’reright.”

“OfcourseIam.Thatsettlesit.Now,whatwasyournextidea?”

“‘Angela.’”

“‘Angelas,’”saidMissMiddleton,“areALWAYSfair.”

“Whydoyouwantallthenamestoyourself?Yousayeverything’sfair.”

“Whycanyouonlythinkofnamesbeginningwith‘A’?Tryanotherletter.”

“SupposeYOUtrynow.”

MissMiddletonwrinkledherbrowandnibbledalumpofsugar.

“‘Dorothy,’”shesaidatlast,“becauseyoucancallthem‘Dolly.’”

“ThereISonlyone.”

“Or‘Dodo.’”

“Anditisn’tabird.”

“Thenthere’s‘Violet.’”

“Mygoodgirl,youdon’tunderstand.Anyofthesecommonnamestheparentscouldhavethoughtofforthemselves.Thefactthattheyhavegotmeinatgreatexpense—tomyself—showsthattheywantsomethingoutoftheordinary.How

expense—tomyself—showsthattheywantsomethingoutoftheordinary.HowcanIgotothemandsay,‘Aftergivingavastamountoftimetothequestion,Ihavedecidedtocallyourchild‘Violet’?Itcan’tbedone.”

MissMiddletonabsentlytookanotherlumpofsugarand,catchingmyeye,putitbackagain.

“Idon’tbelievethatyou’veeverbeenagodfatherbefore,”shesaid,“orthatyouknowanythingatallaboutwhatitisyou’resupposedtobegoingtodo.”

Therewasaknockatthedoor,andtheliftmancamein.MissMiddletongavealittlecoughofrecognition.

“Aletter,sir,”hesaid.

“Thanks….AndasIwassaying,AuntAlison,”Iwentoninaloudvoice,“youaretalkingrubbish.”

…….

“Bah!”Isaidangrily,andIthrewtheletterdown.

“Wouldyouliketobeleftalone?”suggestedMissMiddletonkindly.

“Itisfromthechild’sso-calledparents,andtheirwretchedoffspringistobecalled‘VioletDaisy.’”

“‘VioletDaisy,’”saidMissMiddletonsolemnly,tryingnottosmile.

“Whystopthere?”Isaidbitterly.“Whynot‘Geranium’and‘Artichoke,’andthewholeblessedgarden?”

“‘Artichoke,’”saidMissMiddletongravely,“isaboy’sname.”

“Well,Iwashmyhandsofthewholebusinessnow.NonapkinringfromME.HerehaveIbeenwastinghoursandhoursinthought,andthenjustwhentheworstofitisover,theycalmlystepinlikethis.Icallit—”

“Yes?”saidMissMiddletoneagerly.

“Icallitsimply—”

“Yes?”

“‘VioletDaisy,’”Ifinished,withagreateffort.

II.—OUTOFTHEHURLY-BURLY

“OURdance,”Isaid;“andit’snogoodpretendingitisn’t.”

“Comeon,”saidMissMiddleton.“It’smyfavouritewaltz.IexpectI’vesaidthattoallmypartnersto-night.”

“It’smyfavouritetoo,butyou’rethefirstpersonI’vetold.”

“Theworstofhavingadanceinyourownhouse,”saidMissMiddleton,afterwehadbeenonceroundtheroominsilence,“isthatyouhavetodancewithEVERYBODY.”

“Haveyousaidthattoallyourpartnerstoo?”

“Iexpectso.Imusthavesaideverything.Don’tlooksoreproachfullyatme.YouARElookingreproachful,aren’tyou?”

Iletgowithonehandandfeltmyface.

“Yes,”Isaid.“That’showIdoit.”

“Well,youneedn’tbother,becausenoneofthemthoughtImeantTHEM.Menneverdo.”

“Ishallhavetothinkthatoverbymyself,”Isaidafterapause.“There’salotinthatwhichtheuntrainedobservermightmiss.Anyhow,it’snotatallthesortofthingthatayounggirloughttosayatadance.”

“I’molderthanyouthink,”saidMissMiddleton.“Oh,bother,Iforgot.You

“I’molderthanyouthink,”saidMissMiddleton.“Oh,bother,Iforgot.YouknowhowoldIam.”

“Perhapsyou’vebeenageinglately.Ihave.Thislastelectionhasaddedyearstomylife.Icameheretogetyoungagain.”

“Idon’tknowanythingaboutpolitics.Fatherdoesalltheknowinginourfamily.”

“He’sontherightside,isn’the?”

“Ithinkheis.Hesaysheis.”

“Oh,well,heoughttoknow….Yes,thetruthisIcameheretobelikedagain.PeopleandIhavebeensayingawfullyrudethingstoeachotherlately.”

“Oh,whydoyouwanttoargueaboutpolitics?”

“ButIDON’Twantto.It’safunnything,butnobodywillbelievemewhenIsaythat.”

“Iexpectit’sbecauseyousayitAFTERyou’vefinishedarguing,insteadofBEFORE,”

“Perhapsthat’sit.”

“Ineverarguewithmother.Isimplytellhertodosomething,andshetellsmeafterwardswhyshehasn’t.”

“Really,IthinkMrsMiddletonhasdonewonderfullywell,considering.Someparentsdon’teventellyouwhytheyhaven’t.”

“Oh,I’drecommendheranywhere,”saidMissMiddletonconfidently.

Wedroppedintosilenceagain.Anyhow,itwasMYfavouritewaltz.

“Youdidsay,didn’tyou,thefirstdancewehadtogether,”saidMissMiddletondreamily,“thatyoupreferrednottotalkwhenyoudanced?”

“Didn’tIsaythatIshouldprefertodowhateveryoupreferred?Thatsoundsmorelikeme.”

“Idon’tthinkitdoes,abit.”

“No,perhapsyou’reright.Besides,IremembernowwhatIdidsay.IsaidthatmuchasIenjoyedthepleasantgiveandtakeoffriendlyconversation,dearlyasIlovedeventheirresponsiblemonologueorthebitingrepartee,yetstillmorewasIattachedtothesilentworshipofthevalse’smazyrhythm.‘BUT,’Iwentontosay,‘but,’Iadded,withsurprisingoriginality,‘everyrulehasanexception.YOUaretheexception.MayIhavetwodances,andthenwe’lltryoneofeach?’”

“WhatdidIsay?”

“Yousaid,‘Sir,somethingtellsmethatweshallbegreatfriends.Ilikeyourface,andIlikethewayyourtiegoesunderyourleftear.IcannotgiveyouALLthedancesontheprogramme,becauseIhavemymotherwithmeto-night,andyouknowwhatmothersare.TheyNOTICE.Butanythinguptohalfadozen,distributedatsuchintervalsthatone’sguardianswillthinkit’sthesamedance,youareheartilywelcometo.Andifyoucaretotakemeintosupper,thereis—Ihavetheinformationstraightfromthestable—alineinunbreakablemeringueswhichwouldwellbeworthourattention.’That’swhatyousaid.”

“Butwhatamemory!”

“Icanremembermorethanthat.Icanrememhertheactualstruggle.Igotmymeringuedownonthemat,bothshoulderstouching,inoneminute,forty-threeseconds.”

Thebanddiedslowlydownuntilnosoundcouldbeheardabovetherustleoffrocks…andsuddenlyeverybodyrealizedthatithadstopped.

“Bother,”saidMissMiddleton.

“That’sjustlikeaband,”Isaidbitterly.

“I’lltellittogoonagain;it’sMYband.”

“Itwillbeyourdevotedbandifyouaskitprettilyenough.”

MissMiddletonwentaway,andcamebacktothesoundofmusic,lookingratherpleasedwithherself.

“Didyougivehimthefamoussmile?”Iasked.“Yes,thatone.”

“Isaid,‘WOULDyoumindplayingthatoneagain,PLEASE?’Andthen—”

“Andthenyoulookedasifyouwerejustgoingtocry,andatthelastmomentyousmiledandsaid,‘Hooray.’Andhesaid,‘Certainly,madam.’Isn’tthatright?”

“Ibelieveyou’reclevererthansomeofusthink,”saidMissMiddleton,atrifleanxiously.

“Isometimesthinksotoo.However,togetbacktowhatweweresaying—Icameheretorecovermyusualcalm,andIshan’tbeatallcalmifI’monlygoingtogetthisonedancefromyou.Asanoldfriendofthefamily,whohasbrokenmostofthewindows,Ibegforanother.”

“TogetbacktowhatIwassaying—I’vesimplyGOTtodoalotofdutydances.Can’tyoutakemetotheZooorthePost-Impressionistsinstead?”

“I’dratherdoboth.Imeanallthree.No,Imeanboth.”

“Well,perhapsIwould,too.”

“Youknow,Ithinkyou’dbedoinggood.I’vehadahorribleweek—canvassing,andstandinginthestreets,andshouting,andreadingleaders,andarguing,andsaying,‘Mypointisperfectlysimple,’and—and—swearing,andallsortsofthings.It’sawfullyjollyto—tofeelthatthere’salways—well,allTHIS,”andIlookedroundtheroom,“tocomebackto.”

“Isn’tthatbeautifulMissEllisonIintroducedyoutojustnowpartof‘allthis’?”

“Ohyes,it’sallpart;but—”

MissMiddletonsighed.

“Thenthatniceyoungmanwiththebaldheadwillhavetogowithout.ButIonlysaidI’dSEEifIcouldgivehimone.AndIhaveseen,haven’tI?”

Thebandreallystoppedthistime,andwefoundacomfortablecorner.

“That’sveryjollyofyou,”Isaid,asIleantbacklazilyandhappily.“Nowlet’s

“That’sveryjollyofyou,”Isaid,asIleantbacklazilyandhappily.“Nowlet’stalkaboutChristmas.”

III.—ANOTHERMILESTONE

“You’reverythoughtful,”saidMissMiddleton.“What’sthematter?”

“Iamextremelyunhappy,”Iconfessed.

“Oh,butthinkofFosterandHobbsandWoolley.”

IthoughtofFoster;IletmyminddwelluponHobbs.Itwasnogood.

“Iamstillrathersad,”Isaid.

“Why?Doesn’tanybodyloveyou?”

“Millionsadoremefiercely.Itisn’tthatatall.ThefactisI’vejusthadabirthday.”

“Oh,IAMsorry.Manyhappy—”

“Thankyou.”

“Ithoughtitwasto-morrow,”MissMiddletonwentoneagerly.“AndI’dboughtacricketingsetforyou,butIhadtosenditbacktohavethebailssawnintwo.Orwouldyouratherhavehadabicycle?”

“I’dratherhavehadnothing.Iwanttoforgetaboutmybirthdayaltogether.”

“Oh,areyouasoldasthat?”

“Yes,”Isaidsadly,“Iamasoldasthat.Ihavepassedanotherlandmark.I’mwhattheycallgettingon.”

Wegazedintothefireinsilenceforsomeminutes.

“Ifit’sanycomforttoyou,”saidMissMiddletontimidly,“toknowthatyoudon’tLOOKanyolderthanyoudidlastweek—”

don’tLOOKanyolderthanyoudidlastweek—”

“I’mnotsurethatIfeelanyolder.”

“Then,exceptforbirthdays,howdoyouknowyouAREolder?”

IlookedatherandsawthatIcouldtrusther.

“MayIconfesstoyou?”Iasked.

“Butofcourse!”shecriedeagerly.“Iloveconfessions.”Shesettledherselfcomfortablyinherchair.“Makeitashorribleasyoucan,”shebegged.

Ipickedacoaloutofthefirewiththetongsandlitmycigarette.

“IknowthatI’mgettingold,”Isaid;“Iknowthatmyinnocentyouthisleavingme,becauseofthestrangeandterriblethingswhichIfindmyselfdoing.”

“Oo-o-o-oh,”saidMissMiddletonhappilytoherself.

“LastMonday,aboutthreeo’clockintheafternoon,I—No,Ican’ttellyouthis.It’stooawful.”

“Isitverybad?”saidMissMiddletonwistfully.

“Very.Idon’tthinkyou—Oh,well,ifyoumusthaveit,hereitis.LastMondayIsuddenlyfoundmyselfreadingcarefullyandwitheverysignofinterestalittlepamphleton—LIFEINSURANCE!”

MissMiddletonlookedatmequickly,smiledsuddenly,andthenbecameverygrave.

“Iappeared,”Iwentonimpressively,“tobethinkingofinsuringmylife.”

“Haveyoudoneit?”

“No,certainlynot.Idrewbackintime.Butitwasawarning—itwasthewritingonthewall.”

“Tellmesomemore,”saidMissMiddleton,aftershehadallowedthistosinkin.

“Well,thatwasMondayafternoon.Itoldmyselfthatintheafternoononewasn’t

“Well,thatwasMondayafternoon.Itoldmyselfthatintheafternoononewasn’tquiteresponsible,thatsometimesonewasonlyhalfawake.ButonTuesdaymorningIwashorrifiedtodiscovermyself—beforebreakfast—DOINGDUMB-BELLS!”

“Thesmelling-salts—quick!”saidMissMiddleton,assheclosedhereyes.

“Doingdumb-bells.Tenlungestotheeast,tenlungestothewest,tenlunges—”

“Wereyoureducingyourfigure?”

“Idon’tknowwhatIwasdoing.ButthereIfoundmyselfonthecoldoil-cloth,lungingaway—lungingandlungingand—”Istoppedandgazedintothefireagain.

“Isthatallyouhavetotellme?”saidMissMiddleton.

“That’stheworst.Buttherehavebeenotherlittlesymptoms—littlewarningnoteswhichallmeanthesamething.YesterdayIwentintothebank,togetsomemoney.AsIbegantofillinthechequeConsciencewhisperedtome,‘That’sthethirdfivepoundsyou’vehadoutthisweek.’”

“Well,ofalltheimpertinence—Whatdidyoudo?”

“Madeittenpounds,ofcourse.Butthereyouare;youseewhat’shappening.ThismorningIansweredaletterbyreturnofpost.Anddidyounoticewhatoccurredonlyjustnowattea?”

“OfcourseIdid,”saidMissMiddletonindignantly.“Youateallthemuffins.”

“No,Idon’tmeanthatatall.WhatImeanisthatIonlyhadthreelumpsofsugarineachcup.Iactuallystoppedyouwhenyouwereputtingthefourthlumpin.Ohyes,”Isaidbitterly,“Iamgettingon.”

MissMiddletonpokedthefirevigorously.

“Aboutthelunges,”shesaid.

“Tentotheeast,tentothewest,tentothenor’-nor’-east,tento-”

“Yes.Well,Ishouldhavethoughtthatthatwasjustthethingtokeepyouyoung.”

young.”

“Itis.That’sthetragedyofit.IusedtoBEyoung;nowIKEEPyoung.AndIusedtosay,‘I’llinsuremylifeSOMEday’;butnowIthinkaboutdoingitto-day.Whenonceyoustopsaying‘someday’you’regettingold,youknow.”

“Someday,”saidMissMiddleton,“youmusttellmeallabouttheCrimea.Notnow,”shewentonquickly,“becauseyou’regoingtodosomethingverysillyinamoment,ifIcanthinkofit—somethingtoconvinceyourselfthatyouarestillquiteyoung.”

“Yes,doletme.Ireallythinkitwoulddomegood.”

“Well,whatcanyoudo?”

“CanIbreakanything?”Iasked,lookingroundtheroom.

“Ireallydon’tthinkyoumust.Mother’sverysillyaboutthingslikethat.I’mSOsorry;fatherandIwouldloveit,ofcourse.”

“CanIgointothekitchenandfrightenthecook?”

MissMiddletonsighedmournfully.

“ISN’Titashame,”shesaid,“thatmothersobjecttoallthereallynicethings?”

“MrsMiddletonisalittledifficulttoplease.Ishallgiveuptryingdirectly.WhataboutblackingmyfaceandcallingontheVicarforasubscription?”

“IshouldlaughinchurchonSundaythinkingofit.Ialwaysdo.”

Ilitanothercigaretteandsmokeditthoughtfully.

“Ihaveabrilliantidea,”Isaidatlast.

“Somethingreallysilly?”

“Somethingpreposterouslyfoolish.ItseemstomejustnowthemostidioticthingIcouldpossiblydo.”

“Tellme!”beseechedMissMiddleton,claspingherhands.

“Ishall,”Isaid,gurglingwithlaughter,“insuremylife.”

“Ishall,”Isaid,gurglingwithlaughter,“insuremylife.”

IV.-THEHERALDOFSUMMER

MISSMIDDLETONhasagardenofwhichsheisveryproud.MissMiddleton’sfathersaysitbelongstohim,andthisideaisfosteredtotheextentthatheisallowedtopayfortheseedsandcuttingsandthings.Heisalsoencouragedtoorderthemenabout.ButIalwaysthinkofitasMissMiddleton’sgarden,particularlywhentheafternoonsarehotandIseenothingbutgrimybricksoutofmywindow.Sheknowsalltheflowersbyname,whichseemstomeratherremarkable.

“Ihavecome,”Iannounced,feelingthatsomeexcusewasnecessary,“toseethelobretias;don’tsaythattheyareout.Imean,ofcourse,dosaythattheyareout.”

“ButIdon’tthinkwehaveany,”shesaidinsurprise.“I’veneverheardofthem.Whataretheylike?”

“They’rejusttheordinarysortofflowerthatpeoplepointtoandsay,‘That’sanicelobretia.’Dashit,you’vegotagarden,yououghttoknow.”

“Iamafraid,”smiledMissMiddleton,“thatthereisn’tsuchaflower—notyet.Perhapssomebodywillinventitnowthey’vegotthename.”

“ThenIsupposeImustgobacktoLondon,”Isaid,gettingup.“Bother.”

“Stayandinspectthemeter,”pleadedMissMiddleton.“Oraskfatherforasubscriptionfortheband.SurelyyoucanthinkofSOMEexcuseforbeinghere.”

“Iwillstay,”Isaid,sittingdownagain,“andtalktoyou.Betweenourselves,itisoneofthereasonswhyIcame.Ithoughtyoumightliketohearallthelatestnews.Er—we’vestartedstrawberriesinLondon.”

MissMiddletonsighedandshookherhead.

“Butnothere,”shesaid.

“Iwasafraidnot,butIthoughtI’dremindyouincase.Well,afterall,whatAREstrawberries?Let’stalkaboutsomethingelse.Doyouknowthatthisisgoingtobethegreatestseasonofhistory?I’vegotafreepasstotheEarl’sCourtExhibition,soIshallberightinthethickofit.”

Exhibition,soIshallberightinthethickofit.”

“Oh,Ithoughtlastseasonwasthegreatone.”

“ItwasspoiltbytheCoronation,thepaperssay.YourememberhowbusywewereattheAbbey;wehadn’ttimeforanythingelse.”

“Whatelsedothepaperssay?Iseemtohavemissedthemlately.I’vehadathousandthingstodo.”

“Well,theSardineDefenceLeaguehasjustbeenformed.Ithinkofputtingupforit.Isupposeyouhavetosweartodoonekindactiontoasardineeveryday.Let’sbothjoin,andthenweshallprobablygetalotofinvitations.”

“DotheyhaveatentattheEtonandHarrowmatch?”askedMissMiddletonanxiously.

“Iwillinquire.IwonderifthereisaVice-Presidencyvacant.IshouldthinkaVice-PresidentoftheSardineDefenceLeaguecouldgoanywhere.”

“V.P.S.D.L.,”saidMissMiddletonthoughtfully.“Itwouldlooksplendid.Imustremembertosendyouapostcardto-morrow.”

Teacame,andIputmydeck-chaironerunguptomeetit.Itisdifficultinahorizontalpositiontodrinkwithoutspillinganything,anditlookssobadtogoaboutcoveredwithtea.

“Thisisveryjolly,”Isaid.“Doyouknowthatmyviewduringworkinghoursconsistsoftwobrokenwindowsandfiftysquarefeetofbrick?It’snotenough.It’snotwhatIcallavista.OnfinedaysIhavetogooutsidetoseewhetherthesunisshining.”

“Yououghtn’ttowanttolookoutofthewindowwhenyou’reworking.You’llneverbeaMayor.”

“Well,itallmakesmeappreciatethecountryproperly.IwishIknewmoreaboutgardens.Tellmeallaboutyours.Whenaretheraspberriesripe?”

“NottilltheendofJune.”

“Iwasafraidyou’dsaythat.MayIcomedownandseeyourgardenattheendofJune—onedaywhenI’mnotatEarl’sCourt?Youcangiveallthegardenersa

June—onedaywhenI’mnotatEarl’sCourt?Youcangiveallthegardenersaholidaythatday.IhatetobewatchedwhenI’mlookingatflowersandthings.”

“Areyouasfondofraspberriesasallthat?Whydidn’tIknow?”

“I’mnotabitmadaboutthem,really,butthey’reasymbolofSummer.OnasloshydayinNovember,asIgropemywaythroughthefog,Isaytomyself,‘Courage,theraspberrieswillsoonberipe.’”

“Butthatmeansthatsummerishalfover.ThecuckooiswhatI’mlisteningforallthroughNovember.IhearditinAprilthisyear.”

Ilookedroundtoseethatnobodywaswithinearshot.

“Ihaven’theardityet,”Iconfessed.“Itwasn’treallysomuchtoseethelobretiasastohearthecuckoothatIcametohaveteawithyou.Ifeeljustthesameaboutit;it’sthebeginningofeverything.AndIsaidtomyself,‘MissMiddletonmaynothaveafirst-rateshowoflobretias,becausepossiblyitisanunfavourablesoilforthem,ortheymaynotfitinwiththecolourscheme;butshedoesknowwhatisessentialtoapropergarden,andshe’llhaveacuckoo.’”

“Yes,wedoourselvesverywell,”saidMissMiddletonconfidently.

“Well,Ididn’tliketosayanythingaboutitbefore,becauseIthoughtitmightmakeyounervous,andsoI’vebeentalkingofotherthings.Butnowthatthesecretisout,ImaysaythatIamquiteready.”Istoppedandlistenedintentlywithmyheadononeside.

Therewasanappallingsilence.

“Idon’tseemtohearit,”Isaidatlast.

“ButIhaven’theardithereyet,”MissMiddletonprotested.“ItwasinHampshire.Thecuckoosherearealwaysabitlate.Yousee,ourgardentakesalittlefinding.Itisn’tsowellknownin—inAfrica,orwherevertheycomefrom—asHampshire.”

“Yes,butwhenI’vecomedownspeciallytohearit—”

“CUCK-OO,”saidMissMiddletonsuddenly,andlookedveryinnocent.

“There,thatwasthenightingale,butit’sthecuckooIreallywanttohear.”

“There,thatwasthenightingale,butit’sthecuckooIreallywanttohear.”

“IAMsorryaboutit.Ifyoulike,I’lllistentoyouwhileyoutellmewhoyouthinkoughttoplayforEngland.Ican’tmakeitmoresummeryforyouthanthat.Unlessrosesareanygood?”

“No,don’tbother,”Isaidinsomedisappointment;“you’vedoneyourbest.Wecan’tallhavecuckoosanymorethanwecanallhavelobretias.ImustcomeagaininAugust,whenoneofthepioneersmayhavestruggledhere.OfcourseinHampshire—”

“CUCK-OO,”saidsomebodyfromtheappletree.

“There!”criedMissMiddleton.

“That’smuchbetter,”Isaid.“Nowmakeitcomefromthelaburnum,Lieutenant.”

“I’mnotdoingit,really!”shesaid.“Atleastonlythefirsttime.”

“CUCK-OO,”saidsomebodyfromtheappletreeagain.

Therewasnodoubtaboutit.Iletmydeck-chairdownarungandpreparedtowelcomethesummer.

“Now,”Isaid,“we’reoff.”

EPILOGUE

Youmaybelievethisornotasyoulike.PersonallyIdon’tknowwhattothink.Ithappenedonthefirstdayofspring(doyourememberit?Awonderfulday),andonthefirstofspringallsortsofenchantmentsmayhappen.

Iwaswritingmyweeklystory:oneofthosethingswithaHeandaSheinit.HewasReginald,afinefigureofaman.ShewasDorothy,ratheradear.Iwasbeginninginaroundaboutsortofwaywiththeweather,andthescenery,andthebirds,andhowReginaldwasthinkingofthespring,andhowhisyoungfancywaslightlyturningtothoughtsoflove,whensuddenly—

AtthatmomentIwascalledoutoftheroomtospeaktothehousekeeperaboutsomething.InthreeminutesIwasbackagain;andIhadjustdippedmypenintheink,whentherecameacoughfromthedirectionofthesofa—andthere,ascoolasyouplease,weresittingtwopersonsentirelyunknowntome….

“Ibegyourpardon,”Isaid.“Thehousekeepernevertoldme.WhomhaveIthe—whatdidyou—”

“Thanks,”saidtheman.“I’mReginald.”

“Areyoureally?”Icried.“Jove,IAMgladtoseeyou.Iwasjust—justthinkingofyou.Howareyou?”

“I’msickofit,”saidReginald.

“Sickofwhat?”

“OfbeingacceptedbyDorothy.”

Iturnedtothegirl.

“Youdon’tmeantosay—”

“Yes;I’mDorothy.I’msickofittoo.”

“Dorothy!”Icried.“Bytheway,letmeintroduceyou.Reginald,thisisDorothy.

“Dorothy!”Icried.“Bytheway,letmeintroduceyou.Reginald,thisisDorothy.She’ssickofittoo.”

“Thanks,”saidReginaldcoldly.“Wehavemetbefore.”

“Surelynot.Justletmelookamoment….No,Ithoughtnot.Youdon’tmeettillthenextparagraph.Ifyouwouldn’tmindtakingaseat,Ishan’tbeamoment.”

Reginaldstoodup.

“Lookhere,”hesaid.“DoyouknowwhoIam?”

“You’rejustReginald,”Isaid;“andthere’snoneedtostandaboutlookingsodignified,becauseIonlythoughtofyoutenminutesago,andifyou’renotcarefulIshallchangeyournametoHarold.You’reReginald,andyou’regoingtomeetDorothyinthenextparagraph,andyou’llflirtwithhermildlyforabouttwocolumns.Andattheend,Iexpect—no,Iamalmostsure,thatyouwillproposeandbeaccepted.”

“Never,”saidReginaldangrily.

“That’swhatwe’vecomeabout,”saidDorothy.

Irubbedmyforeheadwearily.

“Wouldoneofyouexplain?”Iasked.“Ican’tthinkwhat’shappened.You’reatleastaparagraphaheadofme.”

Reginaldsatdownagainandlitacigarette.

“It’ssimplythis,”hesaid,tryingtokeepcalm.“Youmaycallmewhatyoulike,butIamalwaysthesamepersonweekafterweek.”

“Nonsense.Why,itwasRichardlastweek.”

“Butthesameperson.”

“AndGeraldtheweekbefore.Gerald,yes;hewasratheragoodchap.”

“Justthesame,onlythenamewasdifferent.Andwhoarewe?Weareyouasyouimagineyourselftobe.”

IlookedinquiringlyatDorothy.

“Lastweek,”hewenton,“youcalledmeRichard.AndIproposedtoPhyllis.”

“AndIacceptedhim,”saidDorothy.

“You!”Isaid.“WhatwereYOUdoingthere,Ishouldliketoknow?”

“LastweekIwasPhyllis.”

“Theweekbefore,”wentonReginald,“IwasGerald,andIproposedtoMillicent.”

“IwasMillicent,andIacceptedhim.”

“TheweekbeforethatIwas—GoodHeavens,thinkofit—IwasGeorge!”

“Abeastlyname,Iagree,”Isaid.

“Yougaveitme.”

“Yes,butIwasn’tfeelingverywellthatweek.”

“IwasMabel,”putinDorothy,“andIacceptedhim.”

“No,no,no—no,don’tsaythat.Imean,onedoesn’tacceptpeoplecalledGeorge.”

“Youmademe.”

“DidI?I’mawfullysorry.Yes,Iquiteseeyourpoint.”

“Theweekbefore,”wentonReginaldremorselessly,“Iwas—”

“Don’tgobackintoFebruary,please!Februaryissucharottenmonthwithme.Wellnow,what’syourcomplaint?”

“JustwhatIsaid,”explainedReginald.“Youthinkyouhaveanewheroandheroineeveryweek,butyou’remistaken.Wearealwaysthesame;and,personally,Iamtiredofproposingweekafterweektothesamegirl.”

TherewasjustsomethingaboutReginaldthatIseemedtorecognize.Justthe

TherewasjustsomethingaboutReginaldthatIseemedtorecognize.Justtheveryslightestsomething.

“Thenwhoareyoureally,”Iasked,“ifyou’realwaysthesameperson?”

“Yourself.Notreallyyourself,ofcourse,butyourselfasyoufondlyimagineyouare.”

Ilaughedscornfully.“You’renothingofthesort.Howridiculous!Theheroofmyownstories,indeed!Myselfidealized—thenIsupposeyouthinkyou’reratherafinefellow?”Isneered.

“IsupposeyouthinkIam.”

“No,Idon’t.Ithinkyouareasillyass.SayingI’mmyownhero.I’mnothingofthesort.AndIsupposeDorothyisme,too?”

“I’mthegirlyou’reinlovewith,”saidDorothy.“Idealized.”

“I’mnotinlovewithanyone,”Ideniedindignantly.

“Thenyouridealgirl.”

“Ah,youmightwellbethat,”Ismiled.

Ilookedatherlongingly.Shewaswonderfullybeautiful.Iwentalittleclosertoher.

“Andwe’vecome,”saidReginald,puttinghisoarinagain,“tosaythatwe’resickofgettingengagedeveryweek.”

IignoredReginaldaltogether.

“Areyoureallysickofhim?”IaskedDorothy.

“Yes!”

“AssickofhimasIam?”

“I—Idaresay.”

“Thenlet’scrosshimout,”Isaid.AndIwentbacktothetableandtookupmy

“Thenlet’scrosshimout,”Isaid.AndIwentbacktothetableandtookupmypen.“Saytheword,”IsaidtoDorothy.

“Steadyon,”beganReginalduneasily.“AllImeantwas—”

“Personally,asyouknow,”IsaidtoDorothy,“Ithinkhe’sasillyass.Andifyouthinksotoo—”

“Isay,lookhere,oldchap—”

Dorothynodded.Idippedthepenintheink.

“Thenouthegoes,”Isaid,andIdrewalinethroughhim.WhenIlookeduponlyDorothywasthere….

“Dorothy!”Isaid.“Atlast!”

“Butmynameisn’treallyDorothy,youknow,”shesaidwithasmile.“It’sDorothythisweek,andlastweekitwasPhyllis,andtheweekbefore—”

“Thenwhatisitreally?Tellme!SothatImayknowmyidealwhenIseeheragain.”

Igotreadytowritethenamedown.Idippedmypenintheinkagain,andIdrewalinethroughDorothy,andthenIlookedupquestioninglyather,and…

Fool,fool!Shewasgone!

IIfautvivre.You’llseethestoryinoneofthepapersthisweek.You’llrecognizeit,becauseheiscalledHarold,andsheiscalledLucy.Attheendofthesecondcolumnheproposesandsheacceptshim.Lucy—ofallnames!Itservesthemright.

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