Download pdf - The Adventures of Alfonzo Theodore Gee · 2019-04-16 · I’m really excited that your parents paid the non-refundable fee for you to explore Iowa! We are going to show you that

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TheAdventuresofAlfonzoTheodoreGee

BroughttoyoubytheCenterForBrainwashingYoungChildrentoBelievethatIowaIsNotBoring

WrittenbySethO’Conner

IllustratedbyHollyO’Conner

Scanned with CamScanner

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Prologue:WelcometoIowa!

Hello,I’mMr.O’Conner.FriendscallmeSeth.

WelcometotheCenterForBrainwashingYoungChildrento

BelievethatIowaIsNotBoring.Friendscallitthe

CFBYCTBTIINB.I’mreallyexcitedthatyourparentspaidthe

non-refundablefeeforyoutoexploreIowa!Wearegoingto

showyouthatsmall-townIowaisn’tsomeone-horse,middle-

of-nowherewasteland.Let’stalkwhilewewalkovertoyour

transportation.YouaregoingtobepairedwithanIowa

Scientist,whoisgoingtoshowyouhowfuneducationcanbe!

Ithinkyouwillslideintoasplashinggoodtime!You’llknow

whatImeanwhenyougetback.

Hereweare!Yourtransportation!Wait,what?Whatis

this?!Um,couldyouexcusemeforjustasecondwhileItalk

withJohnhere?Justcloseyourears.Oh,wait,thisisabook.I

tellyouwhat,Iamgoingtowritethenextpartsmallerandin

Italics,youknow,inthosecurvywordslikethis.Sothenext

partthatisinItalics,justdon’tread.Thankyousomuchfor

respectingmywishes!

JOHN!JOOOOHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNN!WHATISTHIS?Whyisourtransportationanoldbeatuptruck?ItoldyoutogetanicebuswithTVscreens!

“Itriedtogetthatboss,butthelocaltownonlyhadonecarforrentandthisisit.”

Couldn’tyougetitfromanothertown?“Thereisn’tanothertownformiles…”OK.We’renotofftoagreatstart.Iliterallyjusttoldthiskidthat

small-townIowaisn’tsomeone-horse,middle-of-nowherewasteland.Now,you’retellingmetherewasonlyonevehicletorentandwecan’tfindanotheronebecauseweareinthemiddleofnowhere?Thisissupposedtobeaneducational,fun,high-classexperience!Rightnowitlookslikewe’reabouttoshootacountrymusicvideo!!

OK,I’mback!Goaheadandclimboninthetruck.It’sa

reallynicetruckisn’tit!Yeah,justmoveallthosehalf-full

waterbottlestotheotherseat.Thereyougo!Niceandsnug!

Well,haveagreattime!

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ProloguePart2:IowaGravelRoads

How’stheridebackthere?Good.MynameisJohnT.

Narrator.FriendsjustcallmeNarrator.Wearedrivingaround

onsomeIowagravelroads,butyouknewthat.Whatdidyou

say?Thisisboring?BORING?!Yes,Ijustslammedonthe

brakes!I’llshowyouhownot-boringthisis!Youseethat

acrosstheroad?Thesoybeanplant.Let’swalktoit.Herewe

go.We’rewalkingacrosstheroad.

Oh,what’sthatshinything?It’salittlewaysdownthe

roadbutlet’sgocheckitout.Itmightbeaquarter!OK.Here

wego.We’retakingadetourtoseewhatthisshinythingis.

Ope,youknowwhat,it’sjustashinywrapper.Let’sheadback

towardthesoybeanplant.OK.We’reheadingbacktowardthe

soybeanplant.Wait.Ifit’sawrapperweshouldpickitupand

throwitaway.OK.We’rewalkingbackdowntheroadtopick

upthewrapper.Oh,youknowwhat,it’sactuallyashinyrock.

Falsealarm.

OK.Herewego.We’reheadedbacktowardthe

soybeanplant.Nodistractionsthistime.OK.Wearenowat

thesoybeanplant.Manit’shotoutside.Lookatthatleaf.Do

youseeit?No?OK.Letmetellyouwhat’shappeninginthere,

andthenyouwon’tthinkthisissoboring!Thestorybegins

withourgoodfriend…OK,nowthat’saquarter!Rightover

there!Ohyoudon’tbelieveme?Herewego.We’rerunningto


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provetoyouthatthatisindeedaquarter.Youknowwhat,

that’sanotherrock.Butit’sacoolrock!Ibettheydon’thave

rockslikethiswhereyoucomefrom!That’sanIowarock!I’m

keepingit.

OK.Let’srunbacktothesoybeanplant.Wearehere

again.Now,wherewasI?Youknowwhat,givemejusta

second.I’moutofbreathnow.Yeah,justonesecond.Justgot

tocatchmybreath.OK.Hanginthere.Man,itisreallyhot

today.Alright,herewego.Itallbeginswithourgoodfriend

AlfonzoTheodoreGee…

Chapter1:TheygotGas

AlfonzoTheodoreGeeissittinginthebackseatofthe

carashismomfillsupthegastank.HisfriendscallhimA.T.G,

butheismovingawayfromhisfriendsnow.Helooksoutof

thewindowandreadsthesignabovethegasstation: ∆Golgi

Gas.Hismomsaiditwaspolitetofillupthegastankbefore

theysellthecar.Theguybuyingthecarwouldbethereany


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minutetopickitup.Thentheywouldgetonthebusandhead

tothecity.A.T.Glookedovertothebusstationnextto∆Golgi

Gas.Hereadthesign:EasyRidingTransport.Hesighed.

Atoyfliesthroughtheair…BANG!IthitsA.T.Grightin

thehead.Hislittlesisterlaughs.

“MOM!!!”A.T.Gyells.

Chapter2:E.RTransport

A.T.Gissittingnexttothewindowonthebus.His

momissittingnexttohim,withhislittlesisterinherlap.

“Mom,howlonguntilwegetthere?”A.T.Gasks.

“Idon’tknow,honey.”

(fiveminuteslater)

“Mom,howlonguntilwegetthere?”A.T.Gasks.


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“Notforawhile,honey.”

(fiveminuteslater)

“Mom,howlonguntil—“A.T.Gbeginstoask.

“I’msurewe’llbetherebyChapter3,honey.”

Chapter3:ANewHome

ThebusgoesoverabigpotholeandA.T.Gisawoken

fromhisnap.

“Arewethereyet?”heasks.

“No,”hismotherresponds.

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Chapter4:OK,NowTheyareHome

Theyhadtowalkwiththeirluggagetotheirapartment

complexfromthebusstop.Theapartmentswerecircularand

hangingfromawireliftedupintheair.Theirapartment

numberwasH2B.Eachhangingapartmenthaditsown

elevator,whichcouldbeusedtoreachit.Theywalkedupto

elevatorH2B.

A.T.G’smomleanedforwardtoreadthesignonthe

elevator.“Itsays‘userepeatwordsandtheelevatorwilllift.

Anywordswilldo.’”

Theyallsteppedontotheelevatorplatform.Hismom

said,“Grape,grape”andtheelevatorbegantomoveupward

towardtheapartment.A.T.Gwascuriousabouthowthe

elevatorworked.


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Chapter5:TalkingCatsandElevatorsandOther

NormalThings

“Iamgoingouttoplay,”A.T.Gtoldhismother.

“Don’twanderoff!Weareunfamiliarwiththis

neighborhood,youngman!”

“Yes,mom.”Hereplied.

A.T.Ggotontotheelevatorplatformandlookedback

intothehousetoseeifhismotherwaswithinearshot.He

leanedclosertotheelevatorandwhispered,“butt,butt.”The

elevatorbegantomovetowardtheground.A.T.Ggiggled.He

wasverycuriousabouthowthisworkedandwishedhecould

asksomeone.Whenhegottotheground,hesawashed

labeledElevatorMaintenanceShed.Hewalkedcloserandsaw

asignonthedoorthatread,Needhelpworkinganelevator?

Havegeneralquestionsregardingtheelevator’sfunction?

Comeonin!A.T.Gthoughttohimself,“Well,thatwaseasy.”

A.T.Gwalkedinsideandsawawhite-hairedmanwith

roundglassesworkingonanelevator.Asmalldooronthe

backoftheelevatorwasopen,andthemanpulledoutasmall

cat.A.T.Gwastednotimeandgottothepoint.“Excuseme,

sir?Ihavegeneralquestionsregardingtheelevator’s

function.”

Theman,oldenoughtobehisgrandpa,turned

around,catinhand,andscreamed,“AGREATINVENTOR

NEVERREVEALSHIS

SECRETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Therewasalongawkwardpause.

Theoldmansmiledandsaid,“Justkidding.Sitdown

andIwilltellyou.”

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A.T.Gsatdown.

“It’sfairlylogical,really,”theoldmanbegan.“Each

elevatorhasadeviceinit,”heheldupawalkie-talkielooking

thing,“thatIhaveprogrammedtorecognizecompletely

made-upwords.IcallittheMade-Up-Word-Recognizer.When

itdetectsacompletelymade-upword,itwillturnonthis

switch,”hepointedtoalightswitchlookingthingonthe

nearbytable,“whichwillcausetheelevatortomove.SoIjust

placethesetwothingsinsidetheboxontheelevatorand

BLAMMO!It’sthatsimplereally.”

“Yes,ofcourse,”saidA.T.G,“butIthoughtwehadto

sayrepetitivewordstogettheelevatortomove,notmade-up

words.”

Theoldmannoddedhisheadupanddown,“Yes,that

iscorrect.Ihaveleftoutasmalldetail.TheOsalofneedstobe

placedintotheboxaswell.Thatsimple,really.”

A.T.Glookedconfused,“What’sanOsalof?”

“This.”Theoldmanpointedtothecathewasholding.

“That’sacat.”SaidA.T.G

“No,it’sanOsalof.Here,watchthis.”Theoldman

placedthecatonthefloorandsaid,“Cat,cat.”

“TALMOONDAMERRY!”Thecatscreeched.

“Yousee?”Saidtheoldman.

Now,A.T.Glookeddownrightweirded-out.“Didthat

catjusttalk?!”

“Well,”Theoldmansaid,“Itdoesn’treallytalk.Butit

doesscreamoutcompletelymade-upwordswhenevera

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personspeaksrepetitivewords.Soyoujustconnectthe

switchtotheelevator,connecttheswitchtotheMade-Up-

Word-Recognizer,andplaceanOsalofinsidethesoundproof

boxandBLAMMO!!Youhaveaworkingelevator.Pretty

simple,really.”

A.T.Gwaslostinthoughtforasecond.Thenhesaid,

“Whynotjustconnecttheswitchtotheelevatoronthe

outsideandthenwecanjustfliptheswitchtomovethe

elevator?”

TheoldmanstoodstillandstaredatA.T.Gforan

awkwardlylongamountoftime.Hisfacebecameredwith

angerandembarrassment.“Well,lookatthetime!Youshould

probablyrunonhomeandgetreadyforbed!Good-byenow!

Youdon’twanttobeherewhenyourmomwakesupin

Chapter7!”

Chapter6:Osalofwego!

A.T.Gwalkedoutoftheshed.Heheardsomeloud

metalthingsbeingbangedaroundinside.Hethoughtheheard

someoneyell,“Tenyearsdownthedrain!!”buthewasn’t


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sure.Hestartedwalkingbacktohishouseandrealizedhewas

beingfollowed.Hesaid,“Here,here,”andhisnewfriend

screamed,“BOTSNOTOWITZ!!!”

HesnucktheOsalofintotheapartmentandletitsleep

inhisnewroom.Itwasasmallroom,buttherewasplentyof

spaceforayoungboyandasmallOsalof.TheOsalofletouta

littlecry.“Meow”.A.T.Gwonderedifsomethingwaswrong.

Hewentandgotabowloutofthekitchenandfilleditwith

water.HeputitinfrontoftheOsalofandsaid,“Youneedto

drinksomewater.AnytimeIdon’tfeelgood,mymomalways

asksifIhavebeendrinkingenoughwater.”TheOsalofdranka

littleandA.T.Gsaid,“There,there.”

“TOPOTOPOZOP!”

Chapter7:LeavingforSchool

A.T.Ghadjustfilledhisbackpackupwithhisbinder

andapencilcase.ThenhelookeddownattheOsolaf.A.T.G

tookhisbinderandpencilcaseoutofthebackpackandplaced

theOsalofinside.“That’sbetter,”hethought.Thenhe

rememberedhehadn’tnamedtheOsalof.Hewonderedhow

heshouldnameit.Thenhethought,“YesterdayIdidn’teven

knowOsalofsexisted,buttoday,I’msurethatthereisonly

onewaytonameanOsalof.”

A.T.Gsaid,“Name,name.”

“POPLONAVITCHSTAN!”TheOsalofscreamed.

“Whataprettyname!”A.T.Gsaid.“Ireallydidn’twant

togotoschooltoday,butIthinkyou’llmakemefeelmore

comfortable.Sinceyou’remyfriend,I’llcallyouPop-Stan!”

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A.T.Gzippeduphisbackpack,butnotalltheway,so

Pop-Stancouldseeout.Heheadedoutthedoorandontothe

elevatorplatform.Hesaid,“Down,down,”andtheelevator

headeddownandhisbackpackscreeched,“ACHOO!”

Intermission:You’reBackintheIowaSoybeanField

Now

“ACHOO!”

Oh,man,sorry.Ishouldhavetakenmyallergypillsthis

morning.OK,wherewasI?Oh,yeah.Chapter8.

Chapter8:TheOnewiththeTalkingUnicornThat

Doesn’tKnowHowtoPaddleDowntheRiver

A.T.Gwaswalkingtoschoolwhenhesawatalking…

Intermission2:Sorry,You’rebackintheIowa

SoybeanFieldAgain.IPromiseThisWon’tTakeLong

“ACHOO!”

Oh,wow.Thatwasabigone!Iprobablyneedtobe

drinkingmorewater.Don’tworry;mysneezesalwayscomein

two’s.Wewillhavesmoothsailingfromhereonout.Actually,

IthinkIwasmisrememberingChapter8anyway.OK,hereitis.

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Chapter8:ClassTime

“Hello,Class!”Ms.TinaFactorsaidasshewipedsweat

fromherbrow,“MynameisMs.TinaFactorbutmystudent’s

callmeMs.Tina.ThisisIntroductiontoProblemSolvingand

WorkingWithOthersEvenWhenYouDon’tReallyWantTo,

butfriendscallitPSAWWOEWYDRWT.”

A.T.Gwassittinginthebackoftheclass.Hewas

wonderingwhyeverythingalwayshasalongernamethat

needstobeshortened.Hethoughtmaybeitwouldbeeasier

tojustnamethingswhattheyweregoingtobecalledanyway.

Butthiswasnotimetothinkaboutthat.

“So,”Ms.Tinabegan,“Inthisclass,wewilllearnto

solveproblems!Wewillworkasanentireclasstocreate

somethingthatwillsolveaproblem.First,wehavetothink

aboutwhattypeofproblemwewanttosolve.”

Justthen,theoldmanfromtheelevatorshedcame

burstingintothedoorandshouted,“It’ssohotinthisschool

thatwehavetocancelclass!!Wedon’tknowwhattodo!It’s

toohot!Wedon’tknowwhy!Nobodypanic!!!NOBODY

PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”Theoldman

felltothegroundandstartedcryinghysterically.


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Chapter9:FiveMinutesLater

Theoldmanstoodupfromthefloorandbeganto

wipeoffhisbluebuttonupshirt.“I’msorryyouhadtosee

that,class.Sometimesadultsjustneedtocry…forfiveminutes

onthefloorofaclassroomwhileabunchofchildrenwatch.”

“It’sOK,Mr.Finnegan,”Ms.Tinabegan,“Class,thisis

Mr.Finnegan.Heisourschoolmaintenanceman.”

AlittlegirlnamedCarlaCarlaCarla,herfriendscallher

C.C.C,raisedherhandandasked,“Butwhatdohisfriendscall

him?”

Chapter10:WeLearnwhatMr.Finnegan’sFriends

CallHim

“MyfriendscallmeFinny-Bottoms-McGee,butlet’sjuststick

withMr.Finnegan.”

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Chapter11:ChallengeAccepted

“Alright,class,”BeganMs.Tina,“Let’sstartpackingour

things.”

“Ms.Tina,”saidalittleboynamedTimmyGippersteen

Afterthought,hisfriendscallhimT.G.A,“Whatiftheproblem

wechoosetosolveistheschool’stemperatureproblem?”

“Idon’tknow,T.G.A,”Ms.Tinasaid,“That’sabig

problem.ItmightbebesttoleaveittoMr.Finnegan.”

“Yes,”beganMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“Ithinkwe

shouldleavethistotheprofessionalproblemsolvers,”he

lookedatMs.Tina,“Agreed?”

“Agreed.”SaidMs.Tina.

“YIPPERDIDDLYPOW!!!”ScreamedA.T.G’sbackpack.

Theentireclassturnedandlookedathim.“Um…Excuse

me..?”

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Chapter12:TheProblemSolvers!

Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeeStaredatA.T.Galittle

longerthaneveryoneelse.Herecognizedhim.Yes,thekid

fromtheelevatorshack—theonewhocameupwithasimpler

elevatorsolution.Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeedecidedto

changehismind.

“Perhapstheclassshouldhelpoutwiththis?”

“Wonderful!”ExclaimedMs.Tina.“Weshouldstartby

askingwhatiscausingtheproblem.So,isithoteverywherein

town,orjustattheschool?”

“Athomethismorning,”startedlittleC.C.C,“Mydad

saiditwassohotoutsidehecouldbakeacakeonthe

sidewalk!Thenhesaidhewasgoingtoskipworktoplaygolf

andtherewasnoneedtotellmomaboutthat.”

“Thankyou,C.C.C,”saidMs.Tina,“partofthatwas

veryusefulandappropriatetosharewiththeclass.Sowe

knowit’snotjusthotintheschool.Whatshouldwedonext?”

“Well,”beganMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“Thereisa

particularkindofsnakethatlivesinthejunglesofEast

Chloroplastistanthat,whenkicked,shoutsoutdirectionsto

thenearesticecreamshop.Wecouldthengototheicecream

shopandaskfordirectionstothecitycourthouse.Oncewe

getthere,wecouldasksomeonewhereIshouldgetmy

driver’slicenserenewed.AfterIrenewmydriver’slicense,we

canaskthetownMayorwhatiscausingthehotweather.

Then,BLAMMO!Weknowwhatiscausingtheproblem!”

“Ithinktheremightbesomeflawstothatplan…”Said

Ms.Tina.

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“You’reright,”saidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“IfIam

goingtodriveallthewaytoEastChloroplastistan,Ishould

reallyrenewmydriver’slicensefirst.GoodthingIknowhow

togettothecourthouse!”

C.C.Craisedherhandandasked,“WhereisEast

Chloroplastistan?”

“It’sjustwestofFarEastChloroplastistan.”SaidMr.

Finny-Bottoms-McGee.

“Wedon’tknowwherethatiseither.”SaidT.G.A.

“OK.EastchloroplastistanisrightnexttoCentral

Chloroplastistan.”

“WhereisCentralChloroplastistan?”SaidC.C.C.

Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeegrewangryandwalked

hastilyoverthechalkboardandbegantodraw.

Chapter13:*fiveminuteslater*

Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeeputthepieceofchalkdown

andbrushedoffthechalkdustfromhisshirt.“There,Idon’t

knowhowtomakeitanyclearerthanthat!”Scanned with CamScanner

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“OK,”Ms.Tinasaid,“Ithinkwehavemaybegottena

littleofftrack.Doesanyonehaveanideaofwhereweshould

start?”

“Yes,well,”saidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,”Thereis

actuallyaratherraretypeofbuffalo…”

“Actually,”Ms.Tinaquicklysaid,“Iwasthinkingwe

wouldletoneofthestudentstakeashot.”

“Well,”beganA.T.Galittleshyly,“Idon’tthinkthereis

anyneedtotraveltowhicheverChloroplastistanhasthe

magicsnake-thing.Sinceyoualreadyknowthedirectionsto

thecourthouse,Mr.Finnegan,wecouldjustgothereright

awaytoasktheMayorwhyeverythingissohot.”

“Yes,yes,thatdoesseemlogical,”Mr.Finny-Bottoms-

McGeesaid.

“LEXPOMMELS!!!”A.T.G’sbackpackscreamed.

EveryonelookedtowardA.T.G.“Excuseme.Again.My

allergiesarereallyactingup.”

“Doyouneedsomewater?”saidC.C.C.

Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,ignoringtheOsalof’s

screams,continuedon,“Yes,thatisafineidea!Let’sgo!”

Theyallstartedwalkingtowardthedoor,andthen

suddenlyMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeeturnedonhisheelsand

simplysaid,“Oh,onelastthing.TheMayorislockedinsideof

thecourthouseclocktowerthatisbeingguardedbyaflame-

throwingdragon.Alright,let’sgoclass!”

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Chapter14:ABriefStop

“Wait,”saidA.T.G,“SotheMayorofourtownis

trappedintheclocktowerofthecourthouse?AndHe’s

guardedbyaflame-throwingdragon?”

Mr.Finny-Bottom-McGeepointedtowardA.T.Gand

said,“Thiskidisagoodlistener!Yes,thatistheprecise

scenariowearefacing.Solet’shittheroad!”

“Wait,firstweneedtohavesomethingmadeforus.”

SaidA.T.G.Hethenturnedtohisnewclassmatesandsaid,“I

don’treallyknowwhattomake,solet’sdothis…”Heranto

theteacher’sdeskandgrabbedapenandpaperanddrewa

smallsquigglyline.Thenhegaveittotheclassmatenearest

himandsaid,“Drawanothersmalllineconnectedtomineand

thenpassitalong.Everyoneaddasmallline.Ifyoudon’t

knowwhatyouneed,thensomethingmade-upisbetterthan

nothing!”

Soeveryonetookturnsdrawingasmallsquigglethat

connectedtotheprevioussmallsquigglesuntilthepenand

papercametoT.G.A.Hedrewonefinalsquiggleandsaid,“I

thinkIamthelast,sowecanstophere.”Thenhehandedthe

drawingbacktoA.T.G.

A.T.GliftedituptoshowMs.TinaandMr.Finny-

Bottoms-McGeeandsaid,“This.Weneedtomakethis.”

“Ahyes,”saidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“thiswillbe

averysimpletaskforme!AllIwillneedistwogardenrakes,a

yoyo,threebowlsofchickennoodlesoup,andaparticularly

raresnailthatonlyresidesinthebathroomsofwealthy

people.”

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“Or,”Ms.Tinasaid,“Wecouldgodownthehalltothe

shopteacher,Mr.Ribosome,andhecouldmakeitforus.”

“Let’sdothat,”theclasssaidinunison.

Chapter15:Mr.Ribosome’sShop

Theentireclassfloodedintotheshopteacher’sroom.

Theymadeahallwaywiththeirbodiesthatleadfromthedoor

toMr.Ribosome’sdesk.Therewasalongpauseandeveryone

stoodstillandnoonesaidaword.ThenA.T.Garrivedinthe

doorway,carryingthemade-updrawing.Hestrolledslowlyto

Mr.Ribosome’sdesk,behindwhichMr.Ribosomesat,andhe

slammedthepaperdownandsaid,“Weneedthis,andwe

don’tknowwhy.”


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TherewasalongpausewhileMr.Ribosomestudied

thedrawing.Hethenslowlylookedupandsaid,“Ihavejust

thething.Ikeepaverymagicalmaterialinsidemycloset.I

onlyuseitforthespecialistofoccasions.Basedonyour

dramaticentrance,thisisaspecialoccasion.”Mr.Ribosome

leanedhisgiant,baldheadforwardandpushedhisglasses

furtheruphisnose.“Wouldyoulikemetouseit?”

“Yes!Yes!”Thewholeroomshouted,Mr.Finny-

Bottom-McGee’svoiceloudestamongthem.

“TIMPERTOWN-WHINNY!!”A.T.G’sbackpack

screamed.

Mr.RibosomelookedatA.T.Gworriedlyandsaid,“You

needsomewater,kid?”

Chapter16:Mr.RibosomeBuildstheSquigglyThing

OutofanExtremelyMagical,Outlandishly

WonderfulMaterial

Mr.Ribosomewalkedovertohiscloset.“Thismaterial

issoftbutyethard.Itisbrightbutyetdim.Itissmoothbutyet

rough.Ithasascentsowonderfulyoumustcoveryournose

oryouwillgetutterlyoverwhelmedandpassoutatfirstsmell.

Here,putthesepaperclipsoveryournosessoyouare

protected.”Mr.Ribosomehandedoutpaperclipstoeveryone

andtheyplacedthemovertheirnoses.Heplacedoneonhis

noseaswellandcontinuedtotalkwiththenasallyvoiceyou

getwhenyournoseisplugged.Hisvoicegotquieterand

quieter.“ThelightreflectsoffofthismaterialsobrightthatI

mustaskyoutocloseyoureyes.”Everyoneintheroomclosed

theireyes.“Iwillnowputonmyspecialgloves,forthetouch

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ofthismaterialissowonderful,thatIwouldneverbeableto

letgoifItoucheditwithmybarehands.”

Everyoneintheclasswaitedingreatanticipation—

eyesclosed,nosesshut.

Mr.Ribosomeswungthedoorofhisclosetopenwildly

andexclaimed,“CLOSEYOUREYESCHILDREN!KEEPTHEM

CLOSED!!!THELIGHT!OHTHELI…Ohyouknowwhat?Iused

alloftheextremelymagical,outlandishlywonderfulmaterial

whenIre-didtheprinciplesbathroom.Sorryaboutthat.Will

woodwork?”

Chapter17:ThePartoftheStorywiththeFire

BreathingDragon

Theyfinallyarrivedtothecourthouseuponthetown

square.Thechildrenwereshuttledoutoftheyellowschool

bus.

“Whereisthedragon?”askedC.C.C.


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“Probablyeatingapuppy.”SaidMr.Finny-Bottoms-

McGee.

Theyopenedthedoortothecourthouseandbeganto

climbthewindingstaircasethatleadtotheclocktower.They

eachweredyingofthirst,foritwasveryhotandtheywere

climbingstairs.Aftertheytookabriefstoponthefourthfloor

forMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeetorenewhislongoverdue

driverslicense,theycontinuedupthestairstothefifthfloor.

Theclocktowerwasonthefifthfloor.

Whentheyreachedthetop,theystoodinfrontofa

door.Thedoorhadasquarecutoutofitatthetop,soyou

couldseetheclockworkingsinside.Thereweremetalwheels

turningandinterlockingwithone-another,makingtheclock

tick.Buttherewasnobodyelseinsidethattheycouldsee.And

wherewasthedragon?

“There’sonlyonethingtodo,”saidMr.Finny-

Bottoms-McGee,“usethatwoodenthingythatMr.Ribosome


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madeandthrowitthroughthatholeinthedoor.Maybeitwill

hittheMayorandhewillwakeupfromwhateverspellthe

dragonhashimunder.”

“Idon’tknowifthat’ssuchagood—“A.T.Gbegan,but

beforehecouldfinish,Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeegrabbedthe

class’ssquigglycreationandthrewitashardashecould

throughthesquareholeinthetopofthedoorandyelled,“BE

DONEWITHYOU,DRAGONMAGIC!!!”

Thewoodenthingy-maboppergotstuckintheclock’s

gearsandcausedaloudscreech,thenaloudexplosion,then

theclockstoppedworkingentirely.

“WHATAREYOUDOING?!”YelledtheMayorwhohad

justappearedfrombehindthem.“YOUBROKETHETOWN

CLOCK!”

“OHMAYOR!”YelledMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee.

“Whathasthedragondonetoyou?!Youlookawful!Youare

sobloated!Isitthedragon’smagic,Mayor?!Howdowebreak

thespell?!”

“Dragon?Whatareyoutalkingabout?There’sno

dragon!MypetbunnyhereisnamedDragon,”TheMayor

heldupasmallfluffybunnyhewascarryinginhishands,“If

that’swhatyoumean.”

Ms.Tinasaid,“Mr.Finnegan,whotoldyoutherewasa

flame-throwingdragonhere?”

“MyfriendandIweremessaginglastnight…Imust

havemisreadhismessage.”SaidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee.

“Well,whatdidthemessagesay?Canweseeyour

phone?”SaidMs.Tina.

25

“Phone?Idon’thaveaphone.”SaidMr.Finny-

Bottoms-McGee.

“Thenhowdidyoumessageyourfriend?”

“Smokesignals.”SaidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“and

asI’msureyouallknow,thesignalforbunnyisverydifficult

tosee.It’sasmallpuffafteramuchlargerpufffollowedby

twosmallpuffs.Also,lastnightwasthefirsttimeIhaveever

usedsmokesignals.That’showIgotthisburn.”Mr.Finnegan

rolleduphissleevetorevealablisteredredarm.Allthe

childrenscreamedindisgust.

“Ohmy,Mr.Finnegan,Youreallyoughttoseea

doctor!”SaidMs.Tina.“OK?”

“OK.”SaidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee.

“YIPP-DIDDLY-DIP-DIDDLY-DOO!!”screamedA.T.G’s

backpack.

“STOP!”YelledtheMayor,“Whoareyoupeople?!You

showuptomycourtroomspeakingofdragons.Youthrow

somewoodenthingintothetownclockandbreakit!”The

MayorpointedatMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“Thisman’sarm

isnearlyburntoff!Thatboyjustshoutedthestrangestword

I’veeverheard!WHOISINCHARGEHERE?!”

Therewasalongawkwardpause.

C.C.Cfinallyspokeupandsaid,“Howmuchwaterhave

youdranktoday?”

26

Chapter18:WeCameHeretoSolveProblems,Sir!

“Wecallourselves,”SaidT.G.A,“TheProblemSolvers!”

HeleanedovertoA.T.Gandwhispered,“Ijustcameupwith

that.”

TheMayorstaredblanklyatT.G.Aforawhile.“The

Problemsolvers?Ithinkyouhavedonequitetheopposite!I

needyoualltogetou—“TheMayorstoppedsuddenlyand

squintedhiseyesatad.“It’snotashotasitwas…”

Indeed,theentireroomfeltcoolertoeveryone.C.C.C

spokeup.“Theclockengineisn’tworkinganymoresoitisnot

givingoffasmuchheat.”EveryonelookedatC.C.C,alittle

startledathercorrectobservation.

“Justlikeweplanned!”SaidMr.Finny-Bottoms-

McGee.

TheMayorsaid,“Butthereisanoffbuttonright

there.”Hepointedtoagiantredbuttonthesizeofa

basketballonthewall.“Youcouldhavejustpressedth—“

“TheProblemsolvers!”YelledT.G.A.Thenallofthe

classandMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeebegantochant,“The

Problemsolvers!TheProblemsolvers!TheProblemsolvers!

TheProblemsolvers!TheProblemsolvers!”Untiltheyranout

ofbreathandalltookaseatonthefloortorest.

27

Chapter19:ReturnHome

“MOM,MOM!”A.T.Gyelledasheburstfromthe

elevatorinthroughthedoor.

Hisbackpackscreamed,“QUALIPY!!!!”

“Ihadagreatfirstdayofschool!Imetsomereallycool

people!T.G.Aisgoingtobemygoodfriend!C.C.Cissucha

smartgirl,Mom!Wesolvedtheheatissue!First,Mr.Finnegan

usedourcreationtodestroythetownclockandthatmade

thecourthousecooler!Then,sincetheclockwasdestroyed,it

toldthewrongtime,soallofthebusinessesandfactoriesshut

downfortheday!Becausetheyallshutdown,theirbig

machinesweren’trunningandgivingoffheatandtheentire

towncooleddown!

ThenthemayortoldusthatStomataLakewasdraining

unexpectedly!Sowechanted,‘ProblemSolvers,Problem

Solvers!’allthewaytothelake.WhenwegotthereMr.

Finnegansaidweneededtofindaveryparticulartypeofrat

thatiscapableofturningleversfromOPENtoCLOSE,but

insteadC.C.Cjustwentoverandturnedtheleverlabeled

StomataLakeDrainPipefromOPENtoCLOSE.

Therewerebunny-dragons,Osalof’s,Mr.Finnegan

nearlyburnthisarmoff,andeverybodydrankplentyofwater!

TheonlythingthatcouldhavemadetodaybetterwasifIsaw

aUnicorninarowboat!Itwasagreatday,Mom!”

A.T.G’smomfeltsogoodthathersonhadagoodfirst

dayofschoolthatallshecoulddowassmilewide.

28

Epilogue:TheAdventuresofAlfonzoTheodoreGee

CometoanEnd

Andthat’sexactlyhowplantsdealwiththehot

weather!Ifyouweretotakeamicroscopeandlookataleaf

inhotweather,that’sexactlywhatyouwouldsee.

What’sthat?Youbroughtamicroscopewithyou?Of

courseyoudid…Yeah,welllet’stryitout.Oh,youknow

what?Thatparticulartypeofmicroscopeisn’tgoingtowork.

Shoot.Iwasreallyexcitedaboutthat.Yeah.

Anyway,that’swhathappensincropsallacrossIowa!

Ithappensrightoverthereinthatsoybeanfield,overtherein

thatcornfield,overthereinthatothersoybeanfield,it

doesn’thappeninthatsprawlingmetropolisoverthere,oh

wait,that’sjustanothersoybeanfieldsoitdoeshappenthere.

Wow,Iowaisreallyexciting!Now,let’sheadonback

totheCFBYCTBTIINB.

29

Epiloguepart2:DidYouhaveaGoodTimeatthe

SuperSplashWaterPark?!

Hey,John!Hey,Reader!Gladtoseeyoumadeitback!

Sowaseverythingsatisfactory?Yeah.Uhhuh.Yeah.What’s

that?AnOsalof?Um….Yes,ofcourse.Youknowwhat,could

yougiveJohnandmeamomentalone?Muchappreciated.

We’lljustwalkrightoverhereatalkforabit.Berightback!

John,whatisshetalkingabout?WhatisanOsalof?WhydoesshethinkyourlastnameisNarrator?It’sJohnson.Whydoesshethinkyou’reascientist?You’remydriver!

“Ididalittleimprovising,that’sall.”

John,youweresupposedtotakethekidtothenew,stateoftheartwaterpark.TheyweretobepairedupwitharealscientisttherewhowouldtalktothemfortwominutesabouttheaerodynamicsofslidingdowntheRiverRipper—thelargestandmostfunwaterslideintheworld.Thentheywouldbesetlooseforanhourtodowhatevertheysoplease.Thereisafreecandyshopthere!DoyouknowhowdevastatedthatkidwouldbeiftheynewyoumadethemmissoutontheSuperSplashWaterPark?ThewaterparktheDesMoinesSunTimescalled,“Themostfunanychildcouldeverhaveinthehistoryoffun.”Thatkidwouldbecrushed!

OK.Forsomereasonthekidseemedtolikespendinganhouroutinthehotsuntalkingaboutsoybeans,solet’sjustpassitofflikethat’s

whatwemeanttodothewholetime.ButletmetellyousomethingMr.,ifyoueverdothisagainyouwon’tevenseeaquarterofyournextpaycheck!

“Oh,I’vegotsomethingbetterthanaquarter!”

OK!We’reback!Sorryaboutthat.Again,thankyoufor

respectingourprivacyandnotreadingthatlastpart.Itreally

meansalot.Yourparentswouldbeproud.Well,Ihopeyou

hadagreattimeandunderstandhowfunandexcitingIowais!

Andremember,ifyoudidn’ttheticketsaren’trefundable.

THEEND

30

Credits

SethO’Conner………………………………………………………………..Himself

AlfanzoTheodoreGee………………………………………………………TylerTucker

Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee……………………………………………………..JackalousNickle

Ms.TinaFactor……………………………………………………………SpoonWitherreese

CarlaCarlaCarla……………………………………………JennieandJolieOlser(TheOlserTwins)

TimmyGippersteenAfterthought……………………………………………MichaelC.Jordan

WithspecialguestStonyTarkasUnicorninRowboat

And

OsalafasHimself

UncreditedforDisciplinaryreasons:

JohnJohnson