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TheAdventuresofAlfonzoTheodoreGee
BroughttoyoubytheCenterForBrainwashingYoungChildrentoBelievethatIowaIsNotBoring
WrittenbySethO’Conner
IllustratedbyHollyO’Conner
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Prologue:WelcometoIowa!
Hello,I’mMr.O’Conner.FriendscallmeSeth.
WelcometotheCenterForBrainwashingYoungChildrento
BelievethatIowaIsNotBoring.Friendscallitthe
CFBYCTBTIINB.I’mreallyexcitedthatyourparentspaidthe
non-refundablefeeforyoutoexploreIowa!Wearegoingto
showyouthatsmall-townIowaisn’tsomeone-horse,middle-
of-nowherewasteland.Let’stalkwhilewewalkovertoyour
transportation.YouaregoingtobepairedwithanIowa
Scientist,whoisgoingtoshowyouhowfuneducationcanbe!
Ithinkyouwillslideintoasplashinggoodtime!You’llknow
whatImeanwhenyougetback.
Hereweare!Yourtransportation!Wait,what?Whatis
this?!Um,couldyouexcusemeforjustasecondwhileItalk
withJohnhere?Justcloseyourears.Oh,wait,thisisabook.I
tellyouwhat,Iamgoingtowritethenextpartsmallerandin
Italics,youknow,inthosecurvywordslikethis.Sothenext
partthatisinItalics,justdon’tread.Thankyousomuchfor
respectingmywishes!
JOHN!JOOOOHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNN!WHATISTHIS?Whyisourtransportationanoldbeatuptruck?ItoldyoutogetanicebuswithTVscreens!
“Itriedtogetthatboss,butthelocaltownonlyhadonecarforrentandthisisit.”
Couldn’tyougetitfromanothertown?“Thereisn’tanothertownformiles…”OK.We’renotofftoagreatstart.Iliterallyjusttoldthiskidthat
small-townIowaisn’tsomeone-horse,middle-of-nowherewasteland.Now,you’retellingmetherewasonlyonevehicletorentandwecan’tfindanotheronebecauseweareinthemiddleofnowhere?Thisissupposedtobeaneducational,fun,high-classexperience!Rightnowitlookslikewe’reabouttoshootacountrymusicvideo!!
OK,I’mback!Goaheadandclimboninthetruck.It’sa
reallynicetruckisn’tit!Yeah,justmoveallthosehalf-full
waterbottlestotheotherseat.Thereyougo!Niceandsnug!
Well,haveagreattime!
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ProloguePart2:IowaGravelRoads
How’stheridebackthere?Good.MynameisJohnT.
Narrator.FriendsjustcallmeNarrator.Wearedrivingaround
onsomeIowagravelroads,butyouknewthat.Whatdidyou
say?Thisisboring?BORING?!Yes,Ijustslammedonthe
brakes!I’llshowyouhownot-boringthisis!Youseethat
acrosstheroad?Thesoybeanplant.Let’swalktoit.Herewe
go.We’rewalkingacrosstheroad.
Oh,what’sthatshinything?It’salittlewaysdownthe
roadbutlet’sgocheckitout.Itmightbeaquarter!OK.Here
wego.We’retakingadetourtoseewhatthisshinythingis.
Ope,youknowwhat,it’sjustashinywrapper.Let’sheadback
towardthesoybeanplant.OK.We’reheadingbacktowardthe
soybeanplant.Wait.Ifit’sawrapperweshouldpickitupand
throwitaway.OK.We’rewalkingbackdowntheroadtopick
upthewrapper.Oh,youknowwhat,it’sactuallyashinyrock.
Falsealarm.
OK.Herewego.We’reheadedbacktowardthe
soybeanplant.Nodistractionsthistime.OK.Wearenowat
thesoybeanplant.Manit’shotoutside.Lookatthatleaf.Do
youseeit?No?OK.Letmetellyouwhat’shappeninginthere,
andthenyouwon’tthinkthisissoboring!Thestorybegins
withourgoodfriend…OK,nowthat’saquarter!Rightover
there!Ohyoudon’tbelieveme?Herewego.We’rerunningto
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provetoyouthatthatisindeedaquarter.Youknowwhat,
that’sanotherrock.Butit’sacoolrock!Ibettheydon’thave
rockslikethiswhereyoucomefrom!That’sanIowarock!I’m
keepingit.
OK.Let’srunbacktothesoybeanplant.Wearehere
again.Now,wherewasI?Youknowwhat,givemejusta
second.I’moutofbreathnow.Yeah,justonesecond.Justgot
tocatchmybreath.OK.Hanginthere.Man,itisreallyhot
today.Alright,herewego.Itallbeginswithourgoodfriend
AlfonzoTheodoreGee…
Chapter1:TheygotGas
AlfonzoTheodoreGeeissittinginthebackseatofthe
carashismomfillsupthegastank.HisfriendscallhimA.T.G,
butheismovingawayfromhisfriendsnow.Helooksoutof
thewindowandreadsthesignabovethegasstation: ∆Golgi
Gas.Hismomsaiditwaspolitetofillupthegastankbefore
theysellthecar.Theguybuyingthecarwouldbethereany
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minutetopickitup.Thentheywouldgetonthebusandhead
tothecity.A.T.Glookedovertothebusstationnextto∆Golgi
Gas.Hereadthesign:EasyRidingTransport.Hesighed.
Atoyfliesthroughtheair…BANG!IthitsA.T.Grightin
thehead.Hislittlesisterlaughs.
“MOM!!!”A.T.Gyells.
Chapter2:E.RTransport
A.T.Gissittingnexttothewindowonthebus.His
momissittingnexttohim,withhislittlesisterinherlap.
“Mom,howlonguntilwegetthere?”A.T.Gasks.
“Idon’tknow,honey.”
(fiveminuteslater)
“Mom,howlonguntilwegetthere?”A.T.Gasks.
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“Notforawhile,honey.”
(fiveminuteslater)
“Mom,howlonguntil—“A.T.Gbeginstoask.
“I’msurewe’llbetherebyChapter3,honey.”
Chapter3:ANewHome
ThebusgoesoverabigpotholeandA.T.Gisawoken
fromhisnap.
“Arewethereyet?”heasks.
“No,”hismotherresponds.
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Chapter4:OK,NowTheyareHome
Theyhadtowalkwiththeirluggagetotheirapartment
complexfromthebusstop.Theapartmentswerecircularand
hangingfromawireliftedupintheair.Theirapartment
numberwasH2B.Eachhangingapartmenthaditsown
elevator,whichcouldbeusedtoreachit.Theywalkedupto
elevatorH2B.
A.T.G’smomleanedforwardtoreadthesignonthe
elevator.“Itsays‘userepeatwordsandtheelevatorwilllift.
Anywordswilldo.’”
Theyallsteppedontotheelevatorplatform.Hismom
said,“Grape,grape”andtheelevatorbegantomoveupward
towardtheapartment.A.T.Gwascuriousabouthowthe
elevatorworked.
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Chapter5:TalkingCatsandElevatorsandOther
NormalThings
“Iamgoingouttoplay,”A.T.Gtoldhismother.
“Don’twanderoff!Weareunfamiliarwiththis
neighborhood,youngman!”
“Yes,mom.”Hereplied.
A.T.Ggotontotheelevatorplatformandlookedback
intothehousetoseeifhismotherwaswithinearshot.He
leanedclosertotheelevatorandwhispered,“butt,butt.”The
elevatorbegantomovetowardtheground.A.T.Ggiggled.He
wasverycuriousabouthowthisworkedandwishedhecould
asksomeone.Whenhegottotheground,hesawashed
labeledElevatorMaintenanceShed.Hewalkedcloserandsaw
asignonthedoorthatread,Needhelpworkinganelevator?
Havegeneralquestionsregardingtheelevator’sfunction?
Comeonin!A.T.Gthoughttohimself,“Well,thatwaseasy.”
A.T.Gwalkedinsideandsawawhite-hairedmanwith
roundglassesworkingonanelevator.Asmalldooronthe
backoftheelevatorwasopen,andthemanpulledoutasmall
cat.A.T.Gwastednotimeandgottothepoint.“Excuseme,
sir?Ihavegeneralquestionsregardingtheelevator’s
function.”
Theman,oldenoughtobehisgrandpa,turned
around,catinhand,andscreamed,“AGREATINVENTOR
NEVERREVEALSHIS
SECRETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Therewasalongawkwardpause.
Theoldmansmiledandsaid,“Justkidding.Sitdown
andIwilltellyou.”
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A.T.Gsatdown.
“It’sfairlylogical,really,”theoldmanbegan.“Each
elevatorhasadeviceinit,”heheldupawalkie-talkielooking
thing,“thatIhaveprogrammedtorecognizecompletely
made-upwords.IcallittheMade-Up-Word-Recognizer.When
itdetectsacompletelymade-upword,itwillturnonthis
switch,”hepointedtoalightswitchlookingthingonthe
nearbytable,“whichwillcausetheelevatortomove.SoIjust
placethesetwothingsinsidetheboxontheelevatorand
BLAMMO!It’sthatsimplereally.”
“Yes,ofcourse,”saidA.T.G,“butIthoughtwehadto
sayrepetitivewordstogettheelevatortomove,notmade-up
words.”
Theoldmannoddedhisheadupanddown,“Yes,that
iscorrect.Ihaveleftoutasmalldetail.TheOsalofneedstobe
placedintotheboxaswell.Thatsimple,really.”
A.T.Glookedconfused,“What’sanOsalof?”
“This.”Theoldmanpointedtothecathewasholding.
“That’sacat.”SaidA.T.G
“No,it’sanOsalof.Here,watchthis.”Theoldman
placedthecatonthefloorandsaid,“Cat,cat.”
“TALMOONDAMERRY!”Thecatscreeched.
“Yousee?”Saidtheoldman.
Now,A.T.Glookeddownrightweirded-out.“Didthat
catjusttalk?!”
“Well,”Theoldmansaid,“Itdoesn’treallytalk.Butit
doesscreamoutcompletelymade-upwordswhenevera
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personspeaksrepetitivewords.Soyoujustconnectthe
switchtotheelevator,connecttheswitchtotheMade-Up-
Word-Recognizer,andplaceanOsalofinsidethesoundproof
boxandBLAMMO!!Youhaveaworkingelevator.Pretty
simple,really.”
A.T.Gwaslostinthoughtforasecond.Thenhesaid,
“Whynotjustconnecttheswitchtotheelevatoronthe
outsideandthenwecanjustfliptheswitchtomovethe
elevator?”
TheoldmanstoodstillandstaredatA.T.Gforan
awkwardlylongamountoftime.Hisfacebecameredwith
angerandembarrassment.“Well,lookatthetime!Youshould
probablyrunonhomeandgetreadyforbed!Good-byenow!
Youdon’twanttobeherewhenyourmomwakesupin
Chapter7!”
Chapter6:Osalofwego!
A.T.Gwalkedoutoftheshed.Heheardsomeloud
metalthingsbeingbangedaroundinside.Hethoughtheheard
someoneyell,“Tenyearsdownthedrain!!”buthewasn’t
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sure.Hestartedwalkingbacktohishouseandrealizedhewas
beingfollowed.Hesaid,“Here,here,”andhisnewfriend
screamed,“BOTSNOTOWITZ!!!”
HesnucktheOsalofintotheapartmentandletitsleep
inhisnewroom.Itwasasmallroom,buttherewasplentyof
spaceforayoungboyandasmallOsalof.TheOsalofletouta
littlecry.“Meow”.A.T.Gwonderedifsomethingwaswrong.
Hewentandgotabowloutofthekitchenandfilleditwith
water.HeputitinfrontoftheOsalofandsaid,“Youneedto
drinksomewater.AnytimeIdon’tfeelgood,mymomalways
asksifIhavebeendrinkingenoughwater.”TheOsalofdranka
littleandA.T.Gsaid,“There,there.”
“TOPOTOPOZOP!”
Chapter7:LeavingforSchool
A.T.Ghadjustfilledhisbackpackupwithhisbinder
andapencilcase.ThenhelookeddownattheOsolaf.A.T.G
tookhisbinderandpencilcaseoutofthebackpackandplaced
theOsalofinside.“That’sbetter,”hethought.Thenhe
rememberedhehadn’tnamedtheOsalof.Hewonderedhow
heshouldnameit.Thenhethought,“YesterdayIdidn’teven
knowOsalofsexisted,buttoday,I’msurethatthereisonly
onewaytonameanOsalof.”
A.T.Gsaid,“Name,name.”
“POPLONAVITCHSTAN!”TheOsalofscreamed.
“Whataprettyname!”A.T.Gsaid.“Ireallydidn’twant
togotoschooltoday,butIthinkyou’llmakemefeelmore
comfortable.Sinceyou’remyfriend,I’llcallyouPop-Stan!”
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A.T.Gzippeduphisbackpack,butnotalltheway,so
Pop-Stancouldseeout.Heheadedoutthedoorandontothe
elevatorplatform.Hesaid,“Down,down,”andtheelevator
headeddownandhisbackpackscreeched,“ACHOO!”
Intermission:You’reBackintheIowaSoybeanField
Now
“ACHOO!”
Oh,man,sorry.Ishouldhavetakenmyallergypillsthis
morning.OK,wherewasI?Oh,yeah.Chapter8.
Chapter8:TheOnewiththeTalkingUnicornThat
Doesn’tKnowHowtoPaddleDowntheRiver
A.T.Gwaswalkingtoschoolwhenhesawatalking…
Intermission2:Sorry,You’rebackintheIowa
SoybeanFieldAgain.IPromiseThisWon’tTakeLong
“ACHOO!”
Oh,wow.Thatwasabigone!Iprobablyneedtobe
drinkingmorewater.Don’tworry;mysneezesalwayscomein
two’s.Wewillhavesmoothsailingfromhereonout.Actually,
IthinkIwasmisrememberingChapter8anyway.OK,hereitis.
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Chapter8:ClassTime
“Hello,Class!”Ms.TinaFactorsaidasshewipedsweat
fromherbrow,“MynameisMs.TinaFactorbutmystudent’s
callmeMs.Tina.ThisisIntroductiontoProblemSolvingand
WorkingWithOthersEvenWhenYouDon’tReallyWantTo,
butfriendscallitPSAWWOEWYDRWT.”
A.T.Gwassittinginthebackoftheclass.Hewas
wonderingwhyeverythingalwayshasalongernamethat
needstobeshortened.Hethoughtmaybeitwouldbeeasier
tojustnamethingswhattheyweregoingtobecalledanyway.
Butthiswasnotimetothinkaboutthat.
“So,”Ms.Tinabegan,“Inthisclass,wewilllearnto
solveproblems!Wewillworkasanentireclasstocreate
somethingthatwillsolveaproblem.First,wehavetothink
aboutwhattypeofproblemwewanttosolve.”
Justthen,theoldmanfromtheelevatorshedcame
burstingintothedoorandshouted,“It’ssohotinthisschool
thatwehavetocancelclass!!Wedon’tknowwhattodo!It’s
toohot!Wedon’tknowwhy!Nobodypanic!!!NOBODY
PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”Theoldman
felltothegroundandstartedcryinghysterically.
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Chapter9:FiveMinutesLater
Theoldmanstoodupfromthefloorandbeganto
wipeoffhisbluebuttonupshirt.“I’msorryyouhadtosee
that,class.Sometimesadultsjustneedtocry…forfiveminutes
onthefloorofaclassroomwhileabunchofchildrenwatch.”
“It’sOK,Mr.Finnegan,”Ms.Tinabegan,“Class,thisis
Mr.Finnegan.Heisourschoolmaintenanceman.”
AlittlegirlnamedCarlaCarlaCarla,herfriendscallher
C.C.C,raisedherhandandasked,“Butwhatdohisfriendscall
him?”
Chapter10:WeLearnwhatMr.Finnegan’sFriends
CallHim
“MyfriendscallmeFinny-Bottoms-McGee,butlet’sjuststick
withMr.Finnegan.”
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Chapter11:ChallengeAccepted
“Alright,class,”BeganMs.Tina,“Let’sstartpackingour
things.”
“Ms.Tina,”saidalittleboynamedTimmyGippersteen
Afterthought,hisfriendscallhimT.G.A,“Whatiftheproblem
wechoosetosolveistheschool’stemperatureproblem?”
“Idon’tknow,T.G.A,”Ms.Tinasaid,“That’sabig
problem.ItmightbebesttoleaveittoMr.Finnegan.”
“Yes,”beganMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“Ithinkwe
shouldleavethistotheprofessionalproblemsolvers,”he
lookedatMs.Tina,“Agreed?”
“Agreed.”SaidMs.Tina.
“YIPPERDIDDLYPOW!!!”ScreamedA.T.G’sbackpack.
Theentireclassturnedandlookedathim.“Um…Excuse
me..?”
16
Chapter12:TheProblemSolvers!
Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeeStaredatA.T.Galittle
longerthaneveryoneelse.Herecognizedhim.Yes,thekid
fromtheelevatorshack—theonewhocameupwithasimpler
elevatorsolution.Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeedecidedto
changehismind.
“Perhapstheclassshouldhelpoutwiththis?”
“Wonderful!”ExclaimedMs.Tina.“Weshouldstartby
askingwhatiscausingtheproblem.So,isithoteverywherein
town,orjustattheschool?”
“Athomethismorning,”startedlittleC.C.C,“Mydad
saiditwassohotoutsidehecouldbakeacakeonthe
sidewalk!Thenhesaidhewasgoingtoskipworktoplaygolf
andtherewasnoneedtotellmomaboutthat.”
“Thankyou,C.C.C,”saidMs.Tina,“partofthatwas
veryusefulandappropriatetosharewiththeclass.Sowe
knowit’snotjusthotintheschool.Whatshouldwedonext?”
“Well,”beganMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“Thereisa
particularkindofsnakethatlivesinthejunglesofEast
Chloroplastistanthat,whenkicked,shoutsoutdirectionsto
thenearesticecreamshop.Wecouldthengototheicecream
shopandaskfordirectionstothecitycourthouse.Oncewe
getthere,wecouldasksomeonewhereIshouldgetmy
driver’slicenserenewed.AfterIrenewmydriver’slicense,we
canaskthetownMayorwhatiscausingthehotweather.
Then,BLAMMO!Weknowwhatiscausingtheproblem!”
“Ithinktheremightbesomeflawstothatplan…”Said
Ms.Tina.
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“You’reright,”saidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“IfIam
goingtodriveallthewaytoEastChloroplastistan,Ishould
reallyrenewmydriver’slicensefirst.GoodthingIknowhow
togettothecourthouse!”
C.C.Craisedherhandandasked,“WhereisEast
Chloroplastistan?”
“It’sjustwestofFarEastChloroplastistan.”SaidMr.
Finny-Bottoms-McGee.
“Wedon’tknowwherethatiseither.”SaidT.G.A.
“OK.EastchloroplastistanisrightnexttoCentral
Chloroplastistan.”
“WhereisCentralChloroplastistan?”SaidC.C.C.
Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeegrewangryandwalked
hastilyoverthechalkboardandbegantodraw.
Chapter13:*fiveminuteslater*
Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeeputthepieceofchalkdown
andbrushedoffthechalkdustfromhisshirt.“There,Idon’t
knowhowtomakeitanyclearerthanthat!”Scanned with CamScanner
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“OK,”Ms.Tinasaid,“Ithinkwehavemaybegottena
littleofftrack.Doesanyonehaveanideaofwhereweshould
start?”
“Yes,well,”saidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,”Thereis
actuallyaratherraretypeofbuffalo…”
“Actually,”Ms.Tinaquicklysaid,“Iwasthinkingwe
wouldletoneofthestudentstakeashot.”
“Well,”beganA.T.Galittleshyly,“Idon’tthinkthereis
anyneedtotraveltowhicheverChloroplastistanhasthe
magicsnake-thing.Sinceyoualreadyknowthedirectionsto
thecourthouse,Mr.Finnegan,wecouldjustgothereright
awaytoasktheMayorwhyeverythingissohot.”
“Yes,yes,thatdoesseemlogical,”Mr.Finny-Bottoms-
McGeesaid.
“LEXPOMMELS!!!”A.T.G’sbackpackscreamed.
EveryonelookedtowardA.T.G.“Excuseme.Again.My
allergiesarereallyactingup.”
“Doyouneedsomewater?”saidC.C.C.
Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,ignoringtheOsalof’s
screams,continuedon,“Yes,thatisafineidea!Let’sgo!”
Theyallstartedwalkingtowardthedoor,andthen
suddenlyMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeeturnedonhisheelsand
simplysaid,“Oh,onelastthing.TheMayorislockedinsideof
thecourthouseclocktowerthatisbeingguardedbyaflame-
throwingdragon.Alright,let’sgoclass!”
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Chapter14:ABriefStop
“Wait,”saidA.T.G,“SotheMayorofourtownis
trappedintheclocktowerofthecourthouse?AndHe’s
guardedbyaflame-throwingdragon?”
Mr.Finny-Bottom-McGeepointedtowardA.T.Gand
said,“Thiskidisagoodlistener!Yes,thatistheprecise
scenariowearefacing.Solet’shittheroad!”
“Wait,firstweneedtohavesomethingmadeforus.”
SaidA.T.G.Hethenturnedtohisnewclassmatesandsaid,“I
don’treallyknowwhattomake,solet’sdothis…”Heranto
theteacher’sdeskandgrabbedapenandpaperanddrewa
smallsquigglyline.Thenhegaveittotheclassmatenearest
himandsaid,“Drawanothersmalllineconnectedtomineand
thenpassitalong.Everyoneaddasmallline.Ifyoudon’t
knowwhatyouneed,thensomethingmade-upisbetterthan
nothing!”
Soeveryonetookturnsdrawingasmallsquigglethat
connectedtotheprevioussmallsquigglesuntilthepenand
papercametoT.G.A.Hedrewonefinalsquiggleandsaid,“I
thinkIamthelast,sowecanstophere.”Thenhehandedthe
drawingbacktoA.T.G.
A.T.GliftedituptoshowMs.TinaandMr.Finny-
Bottoms-McGeeandsaid,“This.Weneedtomakethis.”
“Ahyes,”saidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“thiswillbe
averysimpletaskforme!AllIwillneedistwogardenrakes,a
yoyo,threebowlsofchickennoodlesoup,andaparticularly
raresnailthatonlyresidesinthebathroomsofwealthy
people.”
20
“Or,”Ms.Tinasaid,“Wecouldgodownthehalltothe
shopteacher,Mr.Ribosome,andhecouldmakeitforus.”
“Let’sdothat,”theclasssaidinunison.
Chapter15:Mr.Ribosome’sShop
Theentireclassfloodedintotheshopteacher’sroom.
Theymadeahallwaywiththeirbodiesthatleadfromthedoor
toMr.Ribosome’sdesk.Therewasalongpauseandeveryone
stoodstillandnoonesaidaword.ThenA.T.Garrivedinthe
doorway,carryingthemade-updrawing.Hestrolledslowlyto
Mr.Ribosome’sdesk,behindwhichMr.Ribosomesat,andhe
slammedthepaperdownandsaid,“Weneedthis,andwe
don’tknowwhy.”
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TherewasalongpausewhileMr.Ribosomestudied
thedrawing.Hethenslowlylookedupandsaid,“Ihavejust
thething.Ikeepaverymagicalmaterialinsidemycloset.I
onlyuseitforthespecialistofoccasions.Basedonyour
dramaticentrance,thisisaspecialoccasion.”Mr.Ribosome
leanedhisgiant,baldheadforwardandpushedhisglasses
furtheruphisnose.“Wouldyoulikemetouseit?”
“Yes!Yes!”Thewholeroomshouted,Mr.Finny-
Bottom-McGee’svoiceloudestamongthem.
“TIMPERTOWN-WHINNY!!”A.T.G’sbackpack
screamed.
Mr.RibosomelookedatA.T.Gworriedlyandsaid,“You
needsomewater,kid?”
Chapter16:Mr.RibosomeBuildstheSquigglyThing
OutofanExtremelyMagical,Outlandishly
WonderfulMaterial
Mr.Ribosomewalkedovertohiscloset.“Thismaterial
issoftbutyethard.Itisbrightbutyetdim.Itissmoothbutyet
rough.Ithasascentsowonderfulyoumustcoveryournose
oryouwillgetutterlyoverwhelmedandpassoutatfirstsmell.
Here,putthesepaperclipsoveryournosessoyouare
protected.”Mr.Ribosomehandedoutpaperclipstoeveryone
andtheyplacedthemovertheirnoses.Heplacedoneonhis
noseaswellandcontinuedtotalkwiththenasallyvoiceyou
getwhenyournoseisplugged.Hisvoicegotquieterand
quieter.“ThelightreflectsoffofthismaterialsobrightthatI
mustaskyoutocloseyoureyes.”Everyoneintheroomclosed
theireyes.“Iwillnowputonmyspecialgloves,forthetouch
22
ofthismaterialissowonderful,thatIwouldneverbeableto
letgoifItoucheditwithmybarehands.”
Everyoneintheclasswaitedingreatanticipation—
eyesclosed,nosesshut.
Mr.Ribosomeswungthedoorofhisclosetopenwildly
andexclaimed,“CLOSEYOUREYESCHILDREN!KEEPTHEM
CLOSED!!!THELIGHT!OHTHELI…Ohyouknowwhat?Iused
alloftheextremelymagical,outlandishlywonderfulmaterial
whenIre-didtheprinciplesbathroom.Sorryaboutthat.Will
woodwork?”
Chapter17:ThePartoftheStorywiththeFire
BreathingDragon
Theyfinallyarrivedtothecourthouseuponthetown
square.Thechildrenwereshuttledoutoftheyellowschool
bus.
“Whereisthedragon?”askedC.C.C.
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“Probablyeatingapuppy.”SaidMr.Finny-Bottoms-
McGee.
Theyopenedthedoortothecourthouseandbeganto
climbthewindingstaircasethatleadtotheclocktower.They
eachweredyingofthirst,foritwasveryhotandtheywere
climbingstairs.Aftertheytookabriefstoponthefourthfloor
forMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeetorenewhislongoverdue
driverslicense,theycontinuedupthestairstothefifthfloor.
Theclocktowerwasonthefifthfloor.
Whentheyreachedthetop,theystoodinfrontofa
door.Thedoorhadasquarecutoutofitatthetop,soyou
couldseetheclockworkingsinside.Thereweremetalwheels
turningandinterlockingwithone-another,makingtheclock
tick.Buttherewasnobodyelseinsidethattheycouldsee.And
wherewasthedragon?
“There’sonlyonethingtodo,”saidMr.Finny-
Bottoms-McGee,“usethatwoodenthingythatMr.Ribosome
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madeandthrowitthroughthatholeinthedoor.Maybeitwill
hittheMayorandhewillwakeupfromwhateverspellthe
dragonhashimunder.”
“Idon’tknowifthat’ssuchagood—“A.T.Gbegan,but
beforehecouldfinish,Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeegrabbedthe
class’ssquigglycreationandthrewitashardashecould
throughthesquareholeinthetopofthedoorandyelled,“BE
DONEWITHYOU,DRAGONMAGIC!!!”
Thewoodenthingy-maboppergotstuckintheclock’s
gearsandcausedaloudscreech,thenaloudexplosion,then
theclockstoppedworkingentirely.
“WHATAREYOUDOING?!”YelledtheMayorwhohad
justappearedfrombehindthem.“YOUBROKETHETOWN
CLOCK!”
“OHMAYOR!”YelledMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee.
“Whathasthedragondonetoyou?!Youlookawful!Youare
sobloated!Isitthedragon’smagic,Mayor?!Howdowebreak
thespell?!”
“Dragon?Whatareyoutalkingabout?There’sno
dragon!MypetbunnyhereisnamedDragon,”TheMayor
heldupasmallfluffybunnyhewascarryinginhishands,“If
that’swhatyoumean.”
Ms.Tinasaid,“Mr.Finnegan,whotoldyoutherewasa
flame-throwingdragonhere?”
“MyfriendandIweremessaginglastnight…Imust
havemisreadhismessage.”SaidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee.
“Well,whatdidthemessagesay?Canweseeyour
phone?”SaidMs.Tina.
25
“Phone?Idon’thaveaphone.”SaidMr.Finny-
Bottoms-McGee.
“Thenhowdidyoumessageyourfriend?”
“Smokesignals.”SaidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“and
asI’msureyouallknow,thesignalforbunnyisverydifficult
tosee.It’sasmallpuffafteramuchlargerpufffollowedby
twosmallpuffs.Also,lastnightwasthefirsttimeIhaveever
usedsmokesignals.That’showIgotthisburn.”Mr.Finnegan
rolleduphissleevetorevealablisteredredarm.Allthe
childrenscreamedindisgust.
“Ohmy,Mr.Finnegan,Youreallyoughttoseea
doctor!”SaidMs.Tina.“OK?”
“OK.”SaidMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee.
“YIPP-DIDDLY-DIP-DIDDLY-DOO!!”screamedA.T.G’s
backpack.
“STOP!”YelledtheMayor,“Whoareyoupeople?!You
showuptomycourtroomspeakingofdragons.Youthrow
somewoodenthingintothetownclockandbreakit!”The
MayorpointedatMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee,“Thisman’sarm
isnearlyburntoff!Thatboyjustshoutedthestrangestword
I’veeverheard!WHOISINCHARGEHERE?!”
Therewasalongawkwardpause.
C.C.Cfinallyspokeupandsaid,“Howmuchwaterhave
youdranktoday?”
26
Chapter18:WeCameHeretoSolveProblems,Sir!
“Wecallourselves,”SaidT.G.A,“TheProblemSolvers!”
HeleanedovertoA.T.Gandwhispered,“Ijustcameupwith
that.”
TheMayorstaredblanklyatT.G.Aforawhile.“The
Problemsolvers?Ithinkyouhavedonequitetheopposite!I
needyoualltogetou—“TheMayorstoppedsuddenlyand
squintedhiseyesatad.“It’snotashotasitwas…”
Indeed,theentireroomfeltcoolertoeveryone.C.C.C
spokeup.“Theclockengineisn’tworkinganymoresoitisnot
givingoffasmuchheat.”EveryonelookedatC.C.C,alittle
startledathercorrectobservation.
“Justlikeweplanned!”SaidMr.Finny-Bottoms-
McGee.
TheMayorsaid,“Butthereisanoffbuttonright
there.”Hepointedtoagiantredbuttonthesizeofa
basketballonthewall.“Youcouldhavejustpressedth—“
“TheProblemsolvers!”YelledT.G.A.Thenallofthe
classandMr.Finny-Bottoms-McGeebegantochant,“The
Problemsolvers!TheProblemsolvers!TheProblemsolvers!
TheProblemsolvers!TheProblemsolvers!”Untiltheyranout
ofbreathandalltookaseatonthefloortorest.
27
Chapter19:ReturnHome
“MOM,MOM!”A.T.Gyelledasheburstfromthe
elevatorinthroughthedoor.
Hisbackpackscreamed,“QUALIPY!!!!”
“Ihadagreatfirstdayofschool!Imetsomereallycool
people!T.G.Aisgoingtobemygoodfriend!C.C.Cissucha
smartgirl,Mom!Wesolvedtheheatissue!First,Mr.Finnegan
usedourcreationtodestroythetownclockandthatmade
thecourthousecooler!Then,sincetheclockwasdestroyed,it
toldthewrongtime,soallofthebusinessesandfactoriesshut
downfortheday!Becausetheyallshutdown,theirbig
machinesweren’trunningandgivingoffheatandtheentire
towncooleddown!
ThenthemayortoldusthatStomataLakewasdraining
unexpectedly!Sowechanted,‘ProblemSolvers,Problem
Solvers!’allthewaytothelake.WhenwegotthereMr.
Finnegansaidweneededtofindaveryparticulartypeofrat
thatiscapableofturningleversfromOPENtoCLOSE,but
insteadC.C.Cjustwentoverandturnedtheleverlabeled
StomataLakeDrainPipefromOPENtoCLOSE.
Therewerebunny-dragons,Osalof’s,Mr.Finnegan
nearlyburnthisarmoff,andeverybodydrankplentyofwater!
TheonlythingthatcouldhavemadetodaybetterwasifIsaw
aUnicorninarowboat!Itwasagreatday,Mom!”
A.T.G’smomfeltsogoodthathersonhadagoodfirst
dayofschoolthatallshecoulddowassmilewide.
28
Epilogue:TheAdventuresofAlfonzoTheodoreGee
CometoanEnd
Andthat’sexactlyhowplantsdealwiththehot
weather!Ifyouweretotakeamicroscopeandlookataleaf
inhotweather,that’sexactlywhatyouwouldsee.
What’sthat?Youbroughtamicroscopewithyou?Of
courseyoudid…Yeah,welllet’stryitout.Oh,youknow
what?Thatparticulartypeofmicroscopeisn’tgoingtowork.
Shoot.Iwasreallyexcitedaboutthat.Yeah.
Anyway,that’swhathappensincropsallacrossIowa!
Ithappensrightoverthereinthatsoybeanfield,overtherein
thatcornfield,overthereinthatothersoybeanfield,it
doesn’thappeninthatsprawlingmetropolisoverthere,oh
wait,that’sjustanothersoybeanfieldsoitdoeshappenthere.
Wow,Iowaisreallyexciting!Now,let’sheadonback
totheCFBYCTBTIINB.
29
Epiloguepart2:DidYouhaveaGoodTimeatthe
SuperSplashWaterPark?!
Hey,John!Hey,Reader!Gladtoseeyoumadeitback!
Sowaseverythingsatisfactory?Yeah.Uhhuh.Yeah.What’s
that?AnOsalof?Um….Yes,ofcourse.Youknowwhat,could
yougiveJohnandmeamomentalone?Muchappreciated.
We’lljustwalkrightoverhereatalkforabit.Berightback!
John,whatisshetalkingabout?WhatisanOsalof?WhydoesshethinkyourlastnameisNarrator?It’sJohnson.Whydoesshethinkyou’reascientist?You’remydriver!
“Ididalittleimprovising,that’sall.”
John,youweresupposedtotakethekidtothenew,stateoftheartwaterpark.TheyweretobepairedupwitharealscientisttherewhowouldtalktothemfortwominutesabouttheaerodynamicsofslidingdowntheRiverRipper—thelargestandmostfunwaterslideintheworld.Thentheywouldbesetlooseforanhourtodowhatevertheysoplease.Thereisafreecandyshopthere!DoyouknowhowdevastatedthatkidwouldbeiftheynewyoumadethemmissoutontheSuperSplashWaterPark?ThewaterparktheDesMoinesSunTimescalled,“Themostfunanychildcouldeverhaveinthehistoryoffun.”Thatkidwouldbecrushed!
OK.Forsomereasonthekidseemedtolikespendinganhouroutinthehotsuntalkingaboutsoybeans,solet’sjustpassitofflikethat’s
whatwemeanttodothewholetime.ButletmetellyousomethingMr.,ifyoueverdothisagainyouwon’tevenseeaquarterofyournextpaycheck!
“Oh,I’vegotsomethingbetterthanaquarter!”
OK!We’reback!Sorryaboutthat.Again,thankyoufor
respectingourprivacyandnotreadingthatlastpart.Itreally
meansalot.Yourparentswouldbeproud.Well,Ihopeyou
hadagreattimeandunderstandhowfunandexcitingIowais!
Andremember,ifyoudidn’ttheticketsaren’trefundable.
THEEND
30
Credits
SethO’Conner………………………………………………………………..Himself
AlfanzoTheodoreGee………………………………………………………TylerTucker
Mr.Finny-Bottoms-McGee……………………………………………………..JackalousNickle
Ms.TinaFactor……………………………………………………………SpoonWitherreese
CarlaCarlaCarla……………………………………………JennieandJolieOlser(TheOlserTwins)
TimmyGippersteenAfterthought……………………………………………MichaelC.Jordan
WithspecialguestStonyTarkasUnicorninRowboat
And
OsalafasHimself
UncreditedforDisciplinaryreasons:
JohnJohnson
