1Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
2Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
The information presented in this book is for in-
formational and educational purposes only. The
purpose of this site is to provide an overview of
the many conditions that can affect humans.
Concerned individuals should always see compe-
tent licensed professionals when questions about
your behavioral condition or the condition of others
close to you become otherwise unresolvable. The
reader assumes full responsibility for any negative
results from actions which he or she undertakes
as a result of information on this site.
Neil Warner, EditorCreative Conflict Resolutions
3415 Galt Ocean Drive
Fort Lauderdale,
33308 Florida, USA
Phone: +1 (954) 607-2083
HEALING AFTER EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
3Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Neil Warner is VP President of Creative Conflict Resolutions, a company based in Fort Lauder-dale, Florida, USA. Its mission is to provide training and support so people and organizations can overcome painful conflict blockag-es and move on towards better re-lationships and more productivity
Neil L. Warner was born in Que-bec, Canada, moved to Brussels in the 90’s and recently has made the beautiful town of Waterloo in Belgium his permanent home.
His early education included so-cial science issues like theories of human behavior, a deep love for systems thinking and a sub-sequent rigorous technical train-ing, which allows him now to put together integrative online educational proposals to foster people’s ability to solve conflicts, live better, and produce more.
He has been behind the creation of the “Creative Conflict Resolu-tions” brand in 2003, and since then has published with co-au-thor Nora Femenia many different eBooks like “Positive Conflicts,” “How to Fight Fair,” and “Recov-ering from Passive Aggression.”
His very own proposals about managing male anger while also healing the hurts left by inter-per-sonal aggression are developed in “Recover from Anger,” written in his very personal style of develop-ing useful ideas using cases and examples.
Neil’s last concern, developed in Europe in his present perch at one of the European Community departments focuses on promot-ing healthy work places by iden-tifying behaviors that destroy ongoing projects by hidden ag-gressive actions. His interest is to provide useful tactics to help stop and transform those behaviors, allowing work teams to produce in a more stable environment, ei-ther in Europe or the US.
Neil loves trekking and sailing, a good cut of Argentine steak, his wife and kids and Belgian beers, not necessarily in that order, though some would beg to differ.
4Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
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INDEX
LIBERATE YOURSELF: STANDING STRONG IN THE FACE OF ABUSE
THE STEPS YOU CAN DO BY YOURSELF
YOUR OWN PLAN FOR BREAKING FREE OR OVERCOMING EMOTIONAL ABUSE
HEALING STRATEGIES
RESOURCES
5Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
e know that there is a lot of information available in the
Internet about emotional abuse. What it is, how to recognize it, and
ways to find help…
But despite the accessibility of that information, there is a large gap
regarding what measures you can take to transform your situation
on your own.
Imagine that you are too far from a counseling center, or too poor
to afford the help, or too scared of what might happen if you were
to move out of the house and take steps concerning trusting some-
one else with your situation.
Is there anything that you can do? YES!
This process can be described as recovering your own personal
power, and growing up out of abuse.
Identifying your abuser and recognizing that nothing you did or did not do was the reason they acted the way they did, is an
extremely important first step towards healing. And if it is still go-
LIBERATE YOURSELF: STANDING STRONG IN THE FACE OF ABUSE
W
6Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
ing on in the present, remember that “trying harder” will not stop
an emotionally abusive person’s behavior. You are not the problem!
If you feel safe enough, you can confront them with the truth and
see if they are ready to acknowledge their problem. If you don’t feel
safe, then remove yourself from the situation –perhaps permanently.
THE STEPS YOU CAN DO BY YOURSELF
What are the steps you can take towards freeing yourself from an
emotionally abusive relationship, other than to attempt to reach
professional help?
According to the psychology of relationship violence, there are a
number of important learning steps for freeing yourself from emo-
tional abuse…
The first one is to remember what you already know:
YOU ARE AN IMPORTANT, UNIQUE HUMAN BEING, AND YOU NEVER GAVE AWAY YOUR RIGHT TO RESPECT AND APPRECIA-TION! THIS IS YOUR BIRTH RIGHT, AND NOBODY CAN TAKE THIS RIGHT AWAY FROM YOU, WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT!
SO, let’s take back your self-respect.
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THESE ARE THE STEPS TO RECOVERING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM:
1) EVEN WHEN YOU ARE LIVING IN THE MIDST OF VERBAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE, do recognize that verbal, psychological and emotional abuse behaviors are not about you, you are not at fault for them. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO MERIT, PRO-VOKE OR DESERVE THEM.
Your partner may insult you and use cruel words towards you, but
understand that this behavior is a projection of the fantasies of his
sick mind, and that his remarks are in no way whatsoever a reflec-
tion of the person that you are.
The hurtful emotional manipulations that he plays on you are not tru-
ly connected in any way to your merits as a spouse or as a woman.
If anything, those behaviors should actually serve as indicators to you
that he is engaged in a power struggle where he feels the need to be
“in charge” and is therefore trying to control you by diminishing your
value as a spouse and as a person. It is almost an upside- down com-
pliment: the aspects he attacks the most must be your best aspects!
There may be times when he will stoop to batter you with things
you have shared with him in the past – insecurities, vulnerabilities,
and shortcomings. Though these intimate details may be true of
you or your personality, every human being has faults, and is unfair
to accuse you of them in fights. Be mindful that in emotional abuse
situations they are simply used as poisoned darts; items he throws
mindlessly because they are within his reach and he knows they
have the power to cause you damage.
8Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
2) Never see the assaults for anything other than what they really are: a desperate attempt to hide his own vulnerabilities by
gaining power over someone else.
Battering, whether it is emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical
abuse, exists to create or maintain an unequal distribution of power
in the relationship. It is, overall, a matter of control.
However, this is not a new concept – surely you have already heard
from associates or research that abuse is about power.
The important notion to learn after gaining this realization is that
when an abuser feels that he is losing his grip (if it appears to him
that you are usurping or taking on some of his power), the violence
will escalate. In other words, the gravity of the emotional assault is
directly proportional to the attacker’s sense of vulnerability.
Thus, the act of emotional abuse is not purely about control, although
that is how it seems to manifest. In reality, the need for control is a
way of expressing a deep-set and debilitating sense of vulnerability.
9Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
3) Find the YOU within the assault.
Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever
he uses against you, you refuse to be defined by the abuse. You draw
on your own strength to determine your validity and self-worth.
This is what gives you the ability to not only survive emotional
abuse, but to thrive in the very face of it.
A) You can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relation-
ship if you are barely remembering who you are every day.
This may sound easy, as if you just needed to give yourself a pep
talk in the mirror every once in a while. However, pep talks won’t
leave a lasting impression if you are not deeply connected to
yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep
enough into the earth, a fierce wind will easily rip you right out.
10Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
You can develop your own pep talk. First, write down in a piece of
paper your favorite and or most needed affirmations. Here are some
examples for you:
“I’m a valuable person who deserves respect.”“I’m worthy of love and attention.”“I have power over my own life”“I completely appreciate and I’m grateful for all my good qualities.”
Then face yourself in the mirror. Not with the purpose of making
an inventory of the features you don’t like about your face, but to
connect with your subconscious mind. After breathing deeply to be
calm, use one of the phrases that you want to impress deeply into
your mind. Repeat that sentence to yourself several times, changing
your tone of voice, and observe the effect that it has on you. Once
you have the tone of voice and the phrase matched to produce the
most effect, do the repetition up to 10 times.
Now you can go; repeat every day for a week at least...and keep
the list of your affirmations visible to you so you can remember
them frequently.
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B) For myself and many others as well, the quest to find
yourself starts with contemplative activities or relaxation
techniques, such as meditation or yoga. Here are some
pointers about these two practices.
Meditation:You can learn to cope with the stress of everyday life in your abu-
sive home doing meditation. Meditation may be practiced for many
reasons, such as to increase calmness and physical relaxation, to
improve psychological balance, to cope with illness, or to enhance
overall health and well-being. Today, many people use meditation
outside of its traditional religious or cultural settings, only to be
centered, improve health and enhance their well-being.
It will diminish the impact of stress on your body, help you center and
produce feelings of self-acceptance and contentment. This feeling of
contentment and well-being can help you to cope with the difficulties
of daily life. Of course, it is not the only solution you can implement
to improve your abusive situation, but meditating will allow you to tap
your inner center and make you experience your own power.
A very difficult situation will become easier to deal with, because
you will feel more centered and able to use your resources better.
Generally, a person who is meditating uses certain techniques, such
as a specific posture, focused attention, and an open attitude
toward distractions.
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There are four elements in meditation:
• A quiet location. Meditation is usually practiced in a quiet place with as
few distractions as possible. This can be particularly helpful for beginners.
• A specific, comfortable posture. Depending on the type being prac-
ticed, meditation can be done while sitting, lying down, standing, walk-
ing, or in other positions.
• A focus of attention. Focusing one’s attention is usually a part of
meditation. For example, the meditator may focus on a mantra (a spe-
cially chosen word or set of words), an object, or the sensations of the
breath. You can even meditate about a positive phrase as: “I’m a valu-
able person who deserves respect.”
• An open attitude. Having an open attitude during meditation means
letting distractions come and go naturally without judging them. When
the attention goes to distracting or wandering thoughts, they are not
suppressed; instead, the meditator gently brings attention back to the
focus. In some types of meditation, the meditator learns to “observe”
thoughts and emotions while meditating.
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Now, how do you do it?
Find a quiet place, and be sure that you are alone....Sit in a comfort-
able position, close your eyes and begin inhaling and exhaling your
breath, following its natural rhythm. Once you have this practice almost
automatically done, tell yourself the phrase you mean to reflect on.
Don’t worry about anything else; if you can only stay 5 minutes, it
is OK. If other thoughts and feelings interrupt, go back to breathing
and repeat your phrase. Remember that your mind is receiving the
message...so relax and enjoy the state of peace and concentration
you have achieved.
C) You find here a suggestion to try to incorporate some
yoga movements in your daily life, because marital abuse
produces a sustained level of stress that finally ends up con
verted into somatic illnesses. The way to manage the impact
of your sadness, desperation, frustration and/
or anger on your own body is to do physical movements.
Anything from a very simple walk of half an hour per day, to
learning some yoga movements, will help you regain control
over your emotions and feel better.
Remember that uncontrolled emotional energy can be destructive
and find something to do which can make you feel better. Perhaps
you live near a community center where they offer yoga lessons; or
you can borrow a book from the library with pictures of the poses to
practice at home, find which is the best way for you to try some yoga
movements. If only you can learn three of your basic asanas, and
practice them three times a week, it will help center and calm you.
14Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
D) There are OTHER excellent ways to help you cultivate a
strong alliance between the body and the mind. Slow breath ing, for instance, is a very good way to remain calm and
project an image of composure. That kind of alliance is a
powerful fortification against the damage of emotional abuse.
E) Directions to do slow breathing
The first stage of meditation is to stop distractions and make our
mind clearer and more at peace. This can be accomplished by prac-
ticing a simple breathing meditation.
Choose a quiet place to meditate and sit in a comfortable position, it
can be anywhere if you can have 15 minutes by yourself.
You can sit in the traditional cross-legged posture or in any other
position that is comfortable, as you can sit in a chair. The most
important thing is to keep your back straight to prevent your mind
from becoming sleepy.
At first, your mind will be very busy and you might even feel that
the meditation is making your mind busier, with so many ideas
crossing your mind.
The solution is easy, detach from all ideas, and focus only on your
breathing. If your mind has wandered away and is following your
thoughts, return it to the breath and watch the in and out of the air...
Remain focused single-pointedly on the sensation of the breath. You
sit with our eyes partially closed and turn your attention to your
breathing, counting “in” and “out” very slowly.
Now you are breathing naturally, preferably through the nostrils,
without attempting to control your breath, feeling the breath as it
enters and leaves the nostrils. This feeling the air in and out is the
focus of this moment... When you concentrate on it to the exclu-
sion of everything else, you can begin experiencing a deep sense of
peace and acceptance of yourself.
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A) How to change the isolation situation you are in
Many a times your abuser tries to socially isolate you so as to make
you more dependent on him in order to serve his basic social needs
and aspirations. He imposes a series of restrictions and controls to
gain control over your social life. It is the abuser who often decides
about the persons with whom you will interact and the friends with
whom he will socialize. Any external social support system imposes
a threat and a challenge to his authority over you.
Your abuser may often deliberately insult your friends and relatives
so as to scare them away. He may resort to emotional blackmailing,
mood swings, tantrums and denial of communication to impose his
will over the victim. He may take recourse to actively spying over the
victim and may openly question his loyalty towards the marriage.
This is invariably accompanied by unreasonable demands on her.
The chain of events may include checking in on you, depriving you
of any means of transportation or communication, enquiring about
your daily routine, criticizing your friends and relatives, and so on.
If your situation seems similar to this description, you can take a
variety of steps to change it.
One of them, for instance, is to get out of the house and engage in
an activity in which your husband is not involved. If you do not feel
able to find a job, you can start by finding volunteering opportuni-
ties in your community. Your children’s school is an excellent place
to start because chances are, you will be able to meet other women
there. You can also find out if there are demonstrations for any
cause that you care about, and try to participate.
16Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
Your own plan for breaking free or overcoming emotional abuse
For some women, breaking free may eventually entail leaving their
abusive relationship and seeking refuge beyond the shattered home.
For others, it may involve inspiring their partner’s participation in
an appropriate domestic abuse intervention program. If this path is
what you would like to try, be careful about asking your partner to
seek security if you are not yet secure in your own self. If you are
not, any solutions you find will be short-term because your low self-
esteem will block you at every turn.
Also remember that you and only you can ever know what the right
path for your own life is. There are no right and wrong, clear-cut
definitions for what solves domestic abuse. There are only decisions
to make -decisions that either support or endanger both your safety
and the achievement of your highest good.
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HEALING STRATEGIES
If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and lack the finan-
cial resources for professional help (my first recommendation for
assistance), there are many free resources available as well.
In fact, even if you are receiving help from a professional, I recom-
mend pursuing these other routes of help as well, especially those
that promote your emotional health.
1) ReadRead from the Internet and from your local library as much as you
can about the dynamics of abusive relationships. Learn to identify
situations where you have the lesser power, and compile the sug-
gestions others have had for how to handle those situations.
2) Internet chat/communitiesIn addition to providing you with reading material, the Internet is
a great place to connect with other women in your situation. What
often happens is that women not only learn from each other what
works and what doesn’t, but that their communal support facilitates
a sense of strength and empowerment. Reaching out to others and
eventually being able to provide them with advice can also help you
to develop a larger sense of your own worth, thus increasing your
self-esteem and confidence.
3) Reach out to women in your communityThat sense of empowerment can also take root through involvement
in local agencies that support battered women. Keep the informa-
tion for agencies in your area handy even if you don’t feel comfort-
able casually meeting with them. You never know when an emer-
gency may arise.
4) Find yourself I mentioned this one before. Freeing yourself from abusive situations
and the low self-esteem that follows has to start with some kind of
reconnection to the deepest parts of yourself. Mediation, yoga, and
tai chi are popular practices in many parts of the world, prized since
18Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
ancient times for their near-mystical calming qualities.
They can be done in the privacy of your home, but if you can, join a
class with a group of other women. The emotional connection you’ll
gain between yourself and your fellow women is an invaluable asset.
5) Express yourselfEmotional abuse doesn’t just take a toll on your body and mind; it
can also leave you with resentment and poisonous emotions like
hatred, fear, anxiety and depression. Most of the time, talking about
them skims the surface but doesn’t cut it all out. There may be
some things that you may have trouble coming to terms with, let
alone telling someone about. If you suspect some of those emotions
might be building up and weighing you down, get them out of your
system! Paint them, write them, sing them; whatever your instincts
lead you to do. Artistic expression can be an excellent way to voice
your feelings and to gain a better perspective about yourself.
6) Develop your vocabularyIt is important that you realize how to respond in abusive situations. You
can start by first paying close attention to what happens when you yell
and throw insults back, versus what happens when you sit passively.
Sometimes it is difficult to put in words the way that somebody’s
behavior towards us makes us feel, particularly if they make us feel
“bad”. On the same token, it can also be difficult to pinpoint exactly
what it is that your partner does that puts you down. If you have
been informing yourself about the causes and effects of emotional
abuse, you might be able to more easily identify both the attitudes
that he presents and how each one of them affects you.
In addition to learning the regular patterns of communication be-
tween yourself and your partner, there are certain responses that
women agree improve, rather than worsen, the situation. First, learn
to be assertive. It can be useful to compare it with passive and ag-
gressive behaviors, which you are probably better acquainted with.
A passive person speaks quietly or does not voice his or her opin-
19Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
ion at all. It’s not that the passive person does not have anything
to say, but that he or she feels uneasy towards the perspective of
conflict and as a result, bottles up feelings.
A passive person makes indirect comments in hopes that the other
person gets the hint about how he is feeling. For example, your
boss tells you to work overtime when you have to go to your child’s
teacher conference and you say OK. As the boss is leaving, you say
something in a quiet tone of voice such as “I sure hope my child
does not get in trouble because I can’t make it to his conference.”
This person did not express his feelings about the situation or ex-
plain why he felt the way he did. The employee is hoping the boss
might get the message with the passive statement.
The problem is that passive statements are easy to disregard or
overlook, and the passive person does not feel better because noth-
ing is resolved, while the other person does not even realize that
there is something wrong, which increases the probability that he or
she will continue to engage in a behavior that is highly aggravating
for the passive person.
An aggressive person yells or screams to get his point across, tends
to dominate the conversation, can use abusive and disrespectful
language when addressing the other person, performs actions that
hurt, and in extreme cases, becomes physically threatening or abu-
sive. He or she tends to blame the other and dodge responsibilities.
For example, an aggressive person might “let the other person have
it” during an argument and come out of it with a feeling of self-sat-
isfaction because he or she feels that the argument was “won”. The
problem is that the other person is hurt, the relationship is dam-
aged, and the aggressive person probably does not have an overall
good feeling about the way she has handled things. In reality, it is a
lose-lose situation.
20Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
An assertive person makes “I” statements. This form of expres-
sion allows the person to take responsibility for his or her own feel-
ings instead of blaming the other person for them; so that instead
of saying something like “you make me very angry”, you would say
“I am upset”. This puts you in a better position to state how you
would like the situation to change. Assertiveness does not mean
that you have the power to force the other person to change their
behavior, but it allows you to express your point of view from a
more level ground.
Listen attentively to what your partner has to say. If it seems that
your partner does not understand your point of view, calmly restate
your feelings, perhaps using different words. However, if the person
does not respond appropriately, or if you feel like you might not be
able to maintain your emotions under control much longer, or the
situation is simply not getting resolved, then politely excuse your-
self from the situation.
But if an abusive partner, where should she go from here?
Try to keep the other person’s feelings in consideration, in order to
maintain the relationship intact.
Here are some examples of assertiveness:
If there is something upsetting you, describe the situation from an
“I” perspective: “I have been expected to clean up the kitchen each
night after dinner.” Instead of “Nobody does anything in the kitchen
except me” or “Nobody ever helps me”. Avoid saying things like
“You are lazy and selfish”, etc. You know the drill.
Convey your feelings or opinions about the situation: “I don’t want
to do it anymore”, or “I become frustrated because then I don’t
have the energy to do other things that I want/need”.
21Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
Assert your wishes: “I would like you to clean up after dinner”. “I
want you to help me by instructing the kids to clean up the kitchen”.
Reinforce or reward: “Thank you so much for taking this seriously”
or “If I get your cooperation on this, I will have more energy (time
or interest) to devote to …” or “If I can get your help with this, I will
be in a much better mood in the evening.”
Be mindful: While it can be tempting to bring up other grievances or
frustrations, try to tackle them on a one-at-a-time basis.
Be confident: Do not be afraid of stating your wants and needs. Do
use phrases like “I want…” and “I would like…”
Understand that negotiation can be instrumental in helping you find
a happy medium: “If every night does not work, maybe we can try
every other night.” or “Let’s try it for a week and see how it works”.
Remember to keep it simple. You might want to write down what
you would like to say, read through it, and make some changes be-
fore actually having the discussion.
Assertion does not come from one day to the next, but be patient
and don’t be discouraged as you learn this skill. The rewards for
effectively asserting yourself will have lifelong benefits for you and
your entire family.
22Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
RESOURCES
GREAT HEALING AND GROWTH RESOURCES FOR YOU!
FAIR FIGHTING FOR COUPLES
RECOVERING FROM PASSIVE AGGRESSION
THE ART OF LIVING WITH A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE HUSBAND
CREATIVE CONFLICTS BLOG
TURNING CONFLICTS INTO TRUE LOVE
HEALING EMOTIONAL ABUSE
RECOVER FROM ANGER
23Copyright (c) 2002-2011 Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
COACHING BY COACH NORAVisit Coach Nora’s web site and claim your special
gift: you will be able to email her and ask specifi-
cally what you need help with, at:
www.conflictcoach.me
SOME USEFUL ARTICLES
ARE YOU GETTING THE COLD SHOULDER FROM YOUR LOVED
ONE, AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHY?
CONFRONTING ABUSE WITH A STRONG SELF
STEPS TO HEALING: ACCEPTING YOURSELF
HOW TO BEGIN THE HEALING
HOW TO RECOVER FROM AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
HOW TO TAKE UP COURAGE AND LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
IS THE “SILENT TREATMENT” A CASE OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE?
HEALING FROM AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP