1Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Citizen Khan
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan!
Episode 2 – Naani’s Shopping Trip
Shazia Khan: Are you all right in there, Naani [Grandma] jaan [dearest]?
Naani: Ha?
Mr Khan: (hacks) Right, _____________________? Don’t tell me! __________
__________________? _______!
Shazia: Dad! ______________________!
Mr K: ________________, maybe!
Shazia: Dad!
Mr K: What? ____________________________! Can you hear any splashing? Wakey
wakey! We got peanut cornflakes for breakfast! I’ve got to be out of the house
in half an hour!
Shazia: _________________________?
Mr K: The Pakistani Business Association of Birmingham has invited me,
___________, Mr Khan, __________________________!
Alia Khan: ____________!
Mr K: Yeah! I’ll be networking with some of the most important small businessmen in
the West Midlands! We got _____, ______, ____________!
Shazia: ____________________________?
Mr K: ____________________, Shazia! The main thing is, ____________________
_______________! You know, _________________________________, _____
_______. Now here I am, _______________________, getting face time with
the big nobs! Very similar thing happened to Lord Sir Alan Sugars! _______!
__________________! At this rate, I won’t get time for my three shushes!
Alia: _____________?
Mr K: Shave, shower, and-
2Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Shazia: Dad!
Mr K: _______! Finally!
Naani: (Urdu words)
Mr K: Oh, God! ___________________________, and been stuck in the toilet every
single day! _______________, it’s just sticky! You have to lift it up, _______
_________, and give it a firm yank!
Alia: _______________!
Shazia: _____________________________!
Mr K: Just lift it up and give it a firm yank!
Naani: (Urdu words), _____!
Mr K: I bet Lord Sir Alan Sugars doesn’t have to _____________________ out of the
toilet every morning! Morning, Naanijaan! _____________?
Naani: Chah!
Mr K: Forgot!
Shazia: Amjad’s here!
Mrs Khan: Hello, Amjad!
Amjad Malik: Hello, Mrs Khan! Hello, Naanijaan!
Shazia: We’ve got to choose the colour for the bedroom ______________________!
What do you think of that one?
Amjad: _________! _____________________?
Shazia: ____________________________ when we’re married, will you?
Amjad: Well _____________________________?
Shazia: ___________!
Amjad: ________?
Shazia: Yeah!
Amjad: _______________?
Shazia: Yeah!
Amjad: What – ___________?
Shazia: Yeah!
Amjad: Wow!
Mr K: (hacks)
3Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Mrs K: __________________________!
Mr K: ________________________! Oh – ____________! Bloody paper complaining
about immigration again!
Shazia: ___________________________________!
Mr K: _______________________! Too many bloody immigrants coming to this
country!
Shazia: ___________________, Dad!
Mr K: ____________________, Sweetie – ___________________________!
Immigrants are the Eastern Europeans – coming over here _______________!
____________________________!
Shazia: Dad!
Mr K: All right – __________________!
Amjad: So – ______________, _____________?
Mr K: Look – we work hard, we go to mosque, we pray to Allah five times a day –
_________________________________? ______________? _____________!
There’s no milk in my chai!
Mrs K: Ah - we’ve run out – Naani had the last of it. ____________________!
Mr K: I can think of one immigrant _____________________!
Naani: (Urdu words)
Mrs K: She’s cold – ___________________!
Mr K: It’s already on max! ___________________________? Set fire to her salwaar
[loose trousers]?
Mrs K: Be nice to her – _________________! _________________________ for her
party tonight – the whole thing is a big surprise, _________________!
Mr K: ___________________________ – you might finish her off! Have we got any
party poppers?
Mrs K: Remember __________________________ this afternoon!
Mr K: ___________!
Mrs K: _______?
Mr K: __________________________! Pakistani Business Association of
Birmingham – __________!
Mrs K: __________________!
4Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Mr K: _____!
Mrs K: I want you take her to M&S to buy cardigans!
Mr K: _____________!
Mrs K: ______________________! We have to get her a treat!
Mr K: Ah, hang on – ______________________________!
Mrs K: ______? __________?
Mr K: ___________________! Exclusive and unique! I got it from NHS direct!
Especially designed ______________! Look at that – helmet part ___________
__________, ____________________ to stop dehydration – _______________
________________!
Mrs K: _______________________!
Mr K: Why not? _______________________?
Mrs K: Just take her to the shops!
Mr K: ___________!
Mrs K: ____________!
Mr K: Fine! __________________!
Alia: Naanijaan’s on the sofa, and now she can’t get up again!
Mrs K: Oh, my God!
Mrs K: Oh, __________ – _________________!
Mr K: All right, get out of the way – __________, __________! Let the dog see the
old goat! All right – come on, Naanijaan! ________ – ek, do, tri! _______, __!
Naani: (Urdu words)
Mr K: _______!
Mrs K: Oh, my God! (Urdu words) We need help!
Amjad: _______________?
Mr K: Grab her arms! Perfect! My – my back! __________________________!
Mrs K: Naani, __________?
Mr K: Oh, ____________________ – ____________!
Shazia: All right, Naanijaan?
Mrs K: OK, Naani – ____________________, and then Mr Khan _____________
________! _________?
5Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Mr K: Right, fine! Then ______________________________!
Mrs K: Oh, yes, and take her to the mosque first – _______________________!
Mr K: But then __________________!
Mrs K: __________________________________ – ___________________________!
OK? Chalo [Come on]! Have a good time and we’ll see you later!
Mr K: Right, come on then – let’s get this over with!
Naani: Namaz [Prayers]!
Mr K: What?
Naani: Namaz!
Mr K: No! ____________________ – not time for prayers – __________?
Naani: Namaz!
Mr K: No! We’re praying at the mosque! (Urdu words) _______________________
___!
Naani: Eh?
Mr K: ___________________________! (Urdu words) Oh, God! I know what
___________________!
Naani: (Urdu words)
Mr K: I know it’s nearly prayer time – ___________________, aren’t we?
Riaz: Al-salaamu alaikum, Mr Khan!
Mr K: Wa alaikum al-salaam, Riaz! ______________?
Riaz: Good! _______________________!
Mr K: Did you hear that? This would be _________________! You’d be
______________________! The mother-in-law!
Riaz: Al-salaamu alaikum!
Omar: Al-salaamu alaikum! How are you enjoying Sparkhill?
Mr K: It’s OK! This is Omar! _________________! ______________! But he’s got a
funny accent!
Mr K: Come on! This way! _______________________________? Good, eh?
Naani: (Urdu words) doctor waiting room!
Mr K: All right, all right! This is just the mosque office! _______________________
6Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
________!
Naani: (Urdu words) Marks and Spencers!
Mr K: ____________________________! ________________________!
Naani: Namaz (Urdu words) cardigan!
Mr K: Right! Come on then, choppity chop! Ladies’ prayer room is _____________
_____, OK? You want to get in God’s good books!
____________________________!
Dave: Mr Khan, _______________________?
Mr K: _______________________! ____________________?
Dave: _______________! _______________________!
Mr K: All right, all right! I still don’t know how you got this job! ___________? Equal
opportunity scheme for gingers? Oh, hello! Mr Bhutt? Yes – it’s Mr Khan
speaking! No – Mr Khan! Khan! K, _________, ___________, _____
_________! Yes, that’s me. _________________________________________.
Dave: Mr Khan, ______________________-
Mr K: ________________, Dave! I was wondering – you know, if you don’t come to
the lunch, ___________________________? No – I see! No – ____________
_____________!
Dave: Mr Khan-
Mr K: Oh, no – ___________________, Margaret! ____________, _______ – ___
______, and a couple of ginger nuts! Yes, yes, ________________! Yes, OK,
I’m coming – I’ll be there! OK, OK, bye! OK, OK, bye! ________________?
Dave: ________________________ you’re parked in the disabled bay!
Mr K: Mr Qureshi never minded!
Dave: Yes, well, Mr Qureshi is in a retirement home in Balsall Heath! And those bays
are only for ________________________________!
Mr K: ______________________, is it?
Dave: _____?
Mr K: Well, this kind of discrimination – not very Muslim!
Dave: _________________________!
Mr K: Ah, _____! Well you’re new to this game – _________________________,
7Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Dave, is that God, Muslim God, _______________________! He sees all men
as the same – ________________, _______ – __________________________
____ – he doesn’t care! _______________, you see!
Dave: _____!
Mr K: So you giving a special parking space to disabled is _________________
__________________!
Dave: I don’t think that’s what I’m-
Mr K: ________________________________, Dave! And if ____________________
______________ to prove it, ___________!
Dave: Couldn’t you just move your car? I mean, what if ______________________
___ needs it?
Mr K: _______________________!
Dave: ____?
Mr K: ______________, then? Look at her! _______________________________!
Naani: (Urdu words) Marks and Spencers!
Mr K: All right, _______________!
Dave: I didn’t realise __________________________________!
Mr K: _______________________!
Dave: Oh!
Naani: (Urdu words)
Mr K: This is Dave, Naani, __________________!
Naani: Oh!
Mr K: I know! ___________________________________!
Dave: As-salaam alaikum!
Naani: Wa alaikum as-salaam!
Dave: ______________________? __________?
Naani: A cup garam cha [hot tea] PG Tip!
Mr K: All right! ____________________________! I’ve got to go to my business
conference! _________________________________________! Come on – get
your coat! I tell you – ________________________, Dave! _____________
____________! God must be ________________________! ____________
_______ , ____________!
8Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Dave: Well don’t the scholars teach us to look after our elders and treat them with the
utmost respect?
Mr K: They weren’t hanging around the ladies’ bogs on the Stratford Road!
Dave: ________________________ can be tricky! I’ve got the mosque lady
pensioners in today – some of them _________________________, I can tell
you!
Mr K: Dave!
Dave: Mm?
Mr K: Maybe I can leave Naani here with you? You know, ______________________
____________ for me!
Dave: Oh, I, ___________________!
Mr K: Why not? ________________! You’ve got the other ones in anyway!
Dave: Yes, but _________________________________ and reading from the Koran!
Mr K: _______________________________! You want to give these old birds some
retail therapy! Take her to the Bullring! ______________!
Dave: __________________________________!
Mr K: ____________!
Dave: ________________________________!
Mr K: _________!
Dave: Help to integrate the mosque worshippers with the wider community!
Mr K: It’s been a long time since _______________________, I tell you! Hey! You’ll
be getting a ride on the minibus! Good, uh?
Naani: Tchah!
Mr K: Oh, she loves you – __________! _________________________________!
Just point in the direction of the knitwear section and __________! She’ll be
happy as Barry!
Dave: _________________________________?
Mr K: Oh, yes! ________________________________ is Rawalpindi!
Dave: I’m just thinking, you know, ________________!
Mr K: Don’t worry – _______________________! ____________! _______________
___________! ________! OK, bye!
9Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Mr K: Name tag? Check! Suit? Check! _________? Oh, bloody-
Mrs K: Hurry up! Naanijaan will be back ______________! Oh, no – ______________
________________! Oh! That will be Mrs Rameez! She did say she was going
to come early! Alia, ______________________!
Mrs Malik: ______________! ____________!
Mrs K: Yes!
Mrs M: Of course, most elderly people don’t like surprises, but ___________________
____________!
Mrs K: Yes!
Mrs M: So __________________________?
Mrs K: ____________!
Mrs M: ______! Accha! So _____________________________________________!
Amjad: _______________________! Hey – maybe I could organise a surprise party for
you, _______________!
Shazia: ______________________!
Amjad: Yes!
Shazia: _________________________!
Amjad: Ah, yes! Hey, Mummy, did you know that when we’re married, _________
_________________________________!
Alia: Dad!
Mr K: Alia!
Alia: Where’s Naanijaan?
Mr K: She’s er, _____________, praying! Dave’s looking after her! Now _______
___________?
Alia: ______________!
Mr K: Right – __________________________?
Alia: ___?
Mr K: ______________________________________!
Alia: ____________________, but-
Mr K: Great!
10Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Mrs K: I must say, _____________________!
Mrs M: Oh, thank you! ________! __________ Mr Malik!
Mrs K: Oh! _________!
Mrs M: It’s just so nice to __________________________, though, ha naa [isn’t it?]
Mrs K: Oh, it is!
Mrs M: So ________________________?
Mrs K: I – Shazia, why don’t you take Mrs Malik ______________________?
Shazia: ________?
Mrs K: ____________________!
Mr K: Mrs Rameez, __________________________? I’ll just leave you to er- ___
________________________, you silly billy?
Mrs Rameez: ___________!
Mr K: ___________ – we’ll be out of here in a jiffy! There’s a knack to this – you just
have to- (grunts) (Urdu words) Don’t worry, Mrs Rameez – _______________
________________! You just have to lift it up, pull to the right, and give it a
firm yank!
Amjad: Eh?
Mr K: ___________, Amjad?
Amjad: Yes, sir!
Mr K: ___________________________!
Amjad: OK!
Mr K: ___________!
Amjad: OK – ___________________________?
Mr K: No! __________________________ – just go and get me some WD-40 [oil
and water displacing spray]! _____________ – ___________?
Shazia: I wonder why Mum’s ___________________________?
Mrs M: She must be ____________________________ as well!
Alia: ____________?
Mrs M: Well _________!
11Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Mr K: Ah!
Mrs M: Ah, Mr Khan! Salaam alaikum!
Mr K: Wa alaikum salaam, Mrs Malik! ___________?
Mrs M: Oh, _______!
Mr K: Ah, ______________, uh? You know, I think it’s more important ________
_____________________________! I’m always telling Mrs Khan! To us,
________________! _______________________ – ___________________
________!
Mrs M: Very laudable, I’m sure!
Mr K: That’s me – __________________! Right – ________________________
__________!
Mrs M: ____?
Mr K: Pakistani Business Association of Birmingham! If I hurry, I’ll just catch Mr
Bhutt’s PowerPoint presentation on the history of Cash and Carrys in the West
Midlands! _____, _______! _______, _______!
Mrs K: Where’s Naani? Did you take her to M&S?
Mr K: ___, _________! But, you know, she wanted to do more praying! ________
_______________ – ________________________________!
Mrs K: OK, but ____________________________________________ – __________
______! Even Mrs Rameez has shown her face!
Mr K: ________________________________!
Mrs K: Naani can’t be ______________________!
Mr K: Don’t worry! Dave is bringing her! _________________________!
Mrs K: Yeah, but Dave-
Mr K: Chillax, sweetie – _______________! ____________ – see?
Mr K: All right, all right – _________________! Hello, Dave!
Dave: __________, Mr Khan!
Mr K: What?
Dave: Naanijaan! _____________!
Mr K: What do you mean, _______________? How can you lose
__________________________________?
12Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Dave: I got confused! __________________________!
Mr K: Careful, Dave! ________________________!
Dave: I just meant ______________________!
Mr K: That’s better!
Dave: One minute she was with me, then I had to take Mr Farzai to the toilets –
Mr K: ____________________!
Dave: _______________!
Mrs K: _______________?
Mr K: _______!
Mrs K: What are you doing?
Mr K: ________________________________!
Mrs K: But where’s Naani? ______________________________!
Mr K: Yes! ________________!
Mrs K: _______________?
Mr K: Dave?
Dave: Well ____________- _________________-
Mrs K: Don’t go and tell me _____________________!
Mr K: No, of course not! She’s not lost – ____________________________!
Mrs K: _____?
Mr K: Dave?
Dave: In Millets!
Mrs K: __________________________________?
Mr K: Dave! How many times have I told you – _____________________________!
Dave: Well, ____________________________, but I thought a fleece might be more
practical! And they’ve got great outdoor gear!
Mrs K: ____________?
Mr K: Dave – ____________________________ – she’s not white water rafting with
Bear bloody Grylls!
Mrs K: So – __________________________________________?
Dave: Yes!
Mr K: Exactly! _____________, you see?
13Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Dave: She was trying to choose between the half zip and the full zip, you see! And I
said ____________________________ because you don’t have to
______________________, which can be quite tricky for _________________!
Mr K: All right, Dave, _______________!
Mrs K: OK, but _________________________________________?
Mr K: It’s OK – _____________________________, and it’ll all be tickety boo!
Mrs K: Well __________!
Mr K: ______________________________? She’s an old woman like this – baa!
Mr K: Naani! Naani! It’s OK – ________________!
Mr K: Excuse me! Excuse me! Naani! Hold- hold on! Naani! Excuse me! Excuse me,
lady! Excuse me – Naani! No, wait - oh, God! Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse
me!
Mr K: What? ____________________________!
Dave: Mr Khan!
Mr K: Right – it’s simple! I just need to tell Mrs Khan that ____________________
______ of the Birmingham and Fazeley Canal!
Dave: Now come on – ___________________________! The police are still trawling,
and _______________________________!
Mr K: Yes, you’re right – we, we don’t really know what’s happened!
Dave: ____________________________!
Mr K: For all we know, she could be in the café at Marks and Spencers,
______________________________________________!
Dave: The main thing is, we have to be very sensitive ______________________ to
Mrs Khan!
Mr K: Yes. ____________________?
Dave: I think __________________________________!
14Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Mr K: _____!
Dave: You have to sit her down, and then give her time __________________, in a
quiet place _____________________________!
Mr K: OK!
Everybody: ________!
Mrs M: _________________________?
Mr K: What?
Aliya: _________________?
Mr K: What?
Shazia: ______________?
Mr K: What?
Mrs M: __________________________? ___________________________!
Mr K: I don’t think we should bring her in here ________________________ and
everyone making noise!
Shazia: _____________________!
Aliya: ____________, Papaji!
Mr K: ___________, sweetie!
Shazia: ___________, isn’t she?
Mr K: Mm?
Shazia: __________________________?
Mrs M: ___________________! I knew it! ___________________________!
Amjad: ___________?
Dave: Yes!
Shazia: ________?
Mr K: ____! Naani’s very late – she’s – ______________!
Shazia: _____________________________?
Dave: Yes!
Mr K: No! Yes!
Dave: No!
Mr K: _____!
Mrs K: Where’s Naani?
15Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Mr K: Hello, sweetie! ______________________?
Mrs K: Why?
Mr K: I’m coming to that – but first, ____________! About Naani – _______
________ – ______________________?
Mrs K: ___________________________________?
Mr K: __________ – look - the thing is – __________________ when we must bid
farewell to our loved ones! They’ve had a good innings, but when the great
umpire in the sky shows you the finger, it’s time to ___________________
____ to the pavilion! Naani, caught canal, bowled God, for eighty! And she is
out! Or _______! Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!
Naani: (Urdu words) _____________!
Mrs K: Oh, Naani! (Urdu words)
Aliya: Naanijaan!
Shazia: Oh, Naani!
Mrs K: ______________!
Amjad: ________!
Mr K: Right! ___________________________________! They’ll be serving a trio of
desserts! That’s when ________________________ anyway! What? What is it?
Mrs K: What is it? __________________!
Mr K: Yes, but then __________________! So it’s all ______________, OK? Bas!
Finished!
Mrs K: ___________________________, all alone! Anything could have happened to
her! ____________________________!
Mr K: Yes, but-
Mrs K: She could have been mugged!
Mr K: ______, but-
Mrs K: _____________________________ and taken advantage of!
Mr K: OK, __________________________ now!
Mrs K: ______________________!
Mr K: Me? ____________________!
Mrs K: When she’s here, all you do is moan – you can’t wait to be rid of her!
16Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Mr K: _______________ – ______________________! It’s great!
Mrs K: ________________ about having her here?
Mr K: __________!
Mrs K: ____?
Mr K: Like – the praying, the shuffling, how she hums under her breath in the
morning, the way she spits in the fireplace – seeing her crinkly old face ____
__________________________________ – ___________________, isn’t she?
Mrs K: (Urdu words) She’ll be safely back in Pakistan and ____________________
_____________! (sniffs)
Mr K: ___________________!
Mrs K: (Sniffs)
Mr K: Now what?
Mrs K: _____________________________?
Mr K: _______________?
Mrs K: __________________ – she’s an old lady! She’ll go back to Pakistan and ____
___________________!
Mr K: Hey – come on! ____________! ____________________________!
Mrs K: (Sobs)
Mr K: Right. OK. Why doesn’t Naanijaan _____________________?
Mrs K: What?
Mr K: Naanijaan. _____________________________ – ______________________
____ to Pakistan!
Mrs K: ____?
Mr K: No!
Mrs K: You mean it?
Mr K: Haan! [Yes]
Mrs K: Thank you!
Mr K: It’s all right!
Mrs K: Now _______________________________!
Mr K: Yes!
Mrs K: And ____________________________________!
Mr K: Yes – ______________________, you know, before she – ooh, ooh!
17Citizen Khan 1.2 Naani’s Shopping Trip
Mrs K: ________________?
Mr K: You know, _________________, and – ooh, ooh!
Mrs K: No, it’ll all be fine! Mrs Akul’s mother ______________________, _______
_______________!
Mr K: _______!
Mrs K: Goodbye! ____________________!
Mrs M: __________________________! __________________________!
Mr K: Well, _______________, eh? Thank you – goodbye! God bless!
Mrs K: Naani! We have something _________________________! Don’t we?
Mr K: Yes, er, er, we have decided that you don’t need to go back to Pakistan – ___
_____________, and live with us – in our house – ____________________ –
_________________________! You know, _________!
Naani: (Urdu words) Birmingham? Shithole!
Mrs K, Aliya, Shazia: Naanijaan! Naanijaan!