51. Unworthiness

When you said you loved meI could not believe myself for surprise

for I was only longing for just a kind word from you

but you rained down on me your love.

My heart crossed its limitsand wept secretly with bitter sweetness;

I know not why such a sudden surgeof feelings today drowning me to dismay.

For days I dared not meet you for shameand lay awake all night lonely

in a humble cornerwith the words still ringing in my ears

loud as a thunder “I love you.”

I know not whether it is joy or sorrowor both together that fills me to overflowing;

to speak of this I stumble for words andI do not know how to name it.

I could not bear such a volcanoof emotions with your words

ringing louder and louder;I left your neighbourhood and

went to a far-off land away from youfor I felt I was unworthy of your love!

*****

It happens that the one being loved beyond expectation — unconditionally — feels unworthy! And thus tries to avoid you and secretly longs to be near and intimate with you.

52. Same Kiss

Late in the evening when I chanced to meet you

you were with someone walking arm in arm.

You did introduce to me sayingthis is my new friend;

I looked at the new beaming facewith palpitating breath;

no words were exchangedand you both passed by me with a bye

while I stood there motionless looking at you walk away.

I was lost in my thoughts of yesterdayswhen you used to hold me tenderly

and walk the lonely path with my headresting on your shoulder and

plant a kiss at the end.

As you both walked awayin the dimming of light and

vanished in the darkI could only hear your footsteps

and not see your figures.

Then all of a sudden I heard the brush of lipsin the gloom of night and I remembered

with a fillip of a surge of feelingthat this sound of the lips

is not different from the sound of the kisses

you used to plant on me!

*****That the parted former lover has the same love relationship with another as was with you, may be

one of the haunting and disturbing thoughts.

53. Seal My Love

Like the waves that thirst for the sandkeep ceaselessly licking the shore

my heart pines for you andas the dust of the road is quivering with

tremulous joy at the lazy wind that snatches at itmy spirit aches with sweetness.

My errand is over and I am on my journeyas I shall meet you let me not be hampered

by anything other than your thoughtas my life turned towards you like the sunflower

and finally I shall meet you face to face.

Let not all my longing be in vainconsole me with your touch

and comfort me with your caressesand enfold me in your arms

press me to your bosomand seal my love with a kiss.

*****Love will always seek permanency. Wishing that one’s love is eternal and will endure every trial

of time and to feel the security of sealing one’s love is an ardent desire in relationship.

54. The Secret Touch

When I came to offer you my morning flowers

I was aflame with boundless joy;some of the dainty flowers fell down

through the crack of my fingersas I trembled with palpitating palms.

As I poured my flowers into your palmsI secretly touched your fingers;

that was my intent and the only joy of my life

I longed for in my entire life.

You may not be aware of my secret touchas many greeted you on that day

but only I know and my fingers knowthat I touched you secretly silent

as the still night.

I do not need any other blessings in my lifefor there is no greater gracethan my secret touch of you;and my fingers do preserve

the sweetness of their stolen touchin their unfailing memory

as they quiver with pain and pride.

*****

If not a great union with the beloved, at least a little secret touch is a great blessing and a consolation.

55. Little Lamp

I made haste and hurried to come to youas the dark night runs

towards the glimpse of the dawn andI searched from among my poor heap of rugs

something that I will offer youwith songs of dedication.

Words were set for my songsand the notes were tuned but

I failed to grab something to offer you;finally I found a little earthen lamp

weeping in a dark corner with dusty oil.

My face brightened up and my heart thrilled

at the thought of offering you my little earthen lamp

with my songs of dedication to your high majesty

overcome like a village girl being invited for the carnival of light.

Like others I brought my earthen lamp lit;held it firmly with the shaking fingers

and offered you my little lampsmiling with trembling lips and

fluttering eye lashes.

You graciously received my lamp andplaced it apart from other golden lamps

that adorn your sanctuarywhile I withdrew to a distance

with my eyes fixed on my little lamp.

All the golden lamps do burn bright

in the carnival of lightswhile my little lamp vanishes in the dark

with its faint flame blown out by the breeze.

*****

There is the longing that what you offer to someone is valued by the other; otherwise you may feel rejected.

56. Resting Not Mine

When I see you my heart throbs as never before

what is it that makes it leap so fast, I know not;

my eyes search for you in any thick crowdpressing against one another in a mad pursuit;

my whole being is aflame with impatience.

Constant is my thought andpersevering is my spirit;

I know not when I will feel free and be liberated;

for the thought that keeps returningagain and again on you and only you.

Nobody matters if you are not there;I wish everybody is you

in my search for you;unfortunately there is only one of you

and never another of you.

My eyes refuse to be consoledand keep searching for you;

they will not rest until they rest on youbut, I fear, that resting will never be mine.

*****

Searching for the beloved is relentless. Under all circumstances one keeps looking and longing for the person one loves. For seeing is in itself a great satisfaction for the eyes and the heart.

57. You Went Your Way

It is already evening,the children have retired

from their play in the dusty street;I hurry up to search for my Sunday best

to put on me to welcome you.

There are only tatters that I wearbut these are the only possessions

I own in my povertyto meet you in your royal regality and

I assure myself that you will not scorn me.

I saw you from afar like a chariot that is descending

got up from the floor dusting the sandran towards you as much as my legs could carry me

to embrace you to my heart’s content.

On reaching you I extended my eager armsto enfold you in my pounding bosom

but you stood still and looked in disdainand went your way without a word.

*****

You may expect that others should love you the way you want. Most of the time it does not come that way. Nor can any one individual fulfill all your longings and needs to the full.

58. A Chain Of Stainless Steel

It was from the Burma Bazaarthat I bought you a chain of stainless steel;

my poverty could not afford more thana stainless steel though I would

want to adorn your neckwith a golden chain.

It thrilled me to behold you wear the chain around your neck;my secret fear was if you would

wear it still when I am away.

The next time I came to meet youI was too eager to inquire

if you still have it on your neck;but for fear of putting you to shame

in case you do not wear it, I kept my silence.

As I idly conversed with you my secret glances were

always around your neck;but you inadvertently hid your neck

with your dark veil;I wished a strong breeze came

and tore open the veilto allow my searching eyes sink deep

into your neck to find mychain of stainless steel.

*****You would like to know if the gift you give to others, especially those who are very significant to

you, are valued and preserved by them. If not valued, you might feel devalued yourself.

59. The Last Embrace

We were keenly aware as we held each other ever so tightly

that it might be the last embrace in our lives;there were no words spoken butsilence spoke eloquently for us.

Your breath was heavier and I saw a glistening tear

on your eyes as a moon beamwas privileged to fall on your face.

Your usual sigh in response to minewas intense with deep sorrow;

our eyes refused to meet lest the sorrow ofseparation should be unbearable;

pressing you to my breastI was looking far away trying to console youmeanwhile wanting so much to be consoled.

I remember, you took my handand consulted the watch;

the fleeting time reminded us ofall that is vanishing but

we believed our love will lastbeyond the ravages of time.

The horror of separation hung heavily around us;gently I put my palm on your face to brush aside

the loosely flying hairsand my palm was soaked with tears;

wanted to speak but feared I might break into sobs.

By now the moon took refuge in obscuritythen I unlocked your clinging arm from around me

even as I trusted in Providence to unite us againwe bade goodbye to each other with the last embrace!

*****Separation is a painful experience. It is always mixed with anxiety. It also has its roots in our

relationship with our parents especially mother. We may replay the separation anxiety we experienced with our mother into every type of relationship that we may entertain.

60. The Hem Of Your Garment

It was on purpose I sat near the door knowing

that you would surely pass that way and if the hem of your garment

were to touch me

I would be content for the day.

You were walking up and down and your walking was music to my heart

and your steps were likethe jostling of the flowers, but

you carefully folded your loose garmentslest they should tarry on the way.

You might laugh at my follybut my only desire is to touch

the hem of your garment.

At times I have tried to lean forwardin a bid to rub against your garments

but you painstakingly gathered your garments lest they should ruffle anybody.

Oh I could only tell you to loosen your garments andallow the hem to touch me.

*****Presence, nearness, touch, touch of the attire and possessions of the beloved are all longings one

experiences in relationship.

61. A Stroke Of Your Fingers

Mine is a violin with a broken stringrejected by the scrutinizers;

condemned it broods in a humble cornerveiled with cobweb and dust,

and darkness sleeps cozily in thehollow of the frame.

I know that your touch will make it throb

with vibrant tunes and I patiently waitfor your gracious touch;

take it and use it as you will and allowyour fingers pass once gently

over the strings and thenI shall sing songs that were unsung for ages

and my music will tickle your ears.

The pain of the pressure of your fingerswill make it cry with fabulous rhymesand its silent sobs will make ripplesin the air with outstretched wings.

I ask for nothing more but a strokeof your fingers over my broken string.

*****

Allow the Lord to play the music He wants to play in you. His fingers will make you vibrate with tunes that none has ever heard of before.

62. Your Glance

I do not know why I keep track of you,no movements of yours are unknown to me;

you would never know that I had been after you

till you say goodbye to this earth.

You would wonder why I should stalk you,you will think that is my folly;

when I carry water from the well andpass through your home

I stumble over and over again in front of your door.

I wish you glance at me once in a waybut my greed may not be satisfied

with your one time look;I wish yours were always with me;

what is there in your eyes, I know not

but certainly your glance gives me assurancethat you love me without ever telling.

I shall not ask for itbut only wait for a chance glance

that will make me feel the whole dayfilled with bliss.

I will count myself blessedif only I get a glance of yours

in the beginning of the dayso that the whole day will standblessed forever by your glance.

*****

Love is betrayed more by looks than by any other gesture. A lingering glance and repeated looks are all telltale signs of love.

63. When You Touched Me

When you touched me by chance

I dared not move or brush aside andwithout struggle I remained still like silence

with abated breath and I gave in.

You continued to keep in contact andremained motionless which made me nervous;

you swallowed hastily, as I did tooand there was a tremor in your fingers and

a shiver in my body.

I wanted to withdraw myself from your touchbut some secret longing kept me still;I was wondering if it was fear or joy

that kept me remain fixed.

Finally I became ashamed of myselffor having indulged in your touch andI did withdraw myself half unwillingly

looking away from you as though intent on some other thing.

I may not have another chanceto feel your touch again

but the touch of your fingers are guarded and sealed

in my throbbing heart till today.

*****

When you like a person and the touch of that person, you are happy and ashamed about it and you long for the same type of touch in future — an attraction indeed.

64. Thinking Of You

Who will tell me why my eyes ever keep looking for you;

when I land in a crowd I look for your facewhen not found, the crowd looks like a desert;

if by chance you look at meI pretend that I never looked at you

but only I know how much I longed for you.

My thoughts are punctuated with your faceevery full stop in my thinking is your thought;

I thought that one day I will cease to think of you but so far

I never did succeed.

I used to curse my obsession of youand blamed myself for my lack of discipline;I thought you are the cause of all this miserywhile secretly I know it is I who am weak.

I feel vulnerableunable to think other than you but

thoughts are stronger than my resolution;I suffer and continue to mourn

without an end to my ceaseless agonyof thinking of you.

*****

Love may be experienced as obsessive thinking. It is an intrusive thought in the sense that it keeps entering into your mind and occupying it for long time without your ever inviting it.

65. Shame And Pride

My eyes have not closed for days;I keep daydreaming and musing all the while

as my wedding day is approaching;I view my face every now and then in a mirror

and then I practice posesfor the wedding ceremony that I await.

I have not seen his face fully yetonly seen him pass by in the crowd

a glimpse of it still lingers in my languid heartlike a photograph pasted on the wall.

I imagine my bangles to the full forearmsand I muse on the bells jingling at my ankles;

I wear and watch the studded veil and the silk sareeand the necklace around my neck.

I anxiously wait for the moment of commitmentin which I shall hold his hand

the thought of which makes my heart thrillwith tremor and fear and joy to the brim.

It will be likethe waves impatiently rushing to reach the shore

and the river rolling down to arrive at the sea;my hand will reach to hold his

but I may not dare to look into his eyesand thus will remain with downcast eyes

and see him through the corner of my eyesbecause I am filled with shame and pride.

*****

The first intimacy may be with fear, trembling, shame and pride. It is filled with a number of positive and negative feelings mixed together.

66. Cutting Off

I know that you love me dearlybut you do not have the courage to say so;

you pretend that you do not even care for me;could it be true that you are really so.

I know you are a cowardand pretend to be strong while being weak;

your strength is weakness in denyingwhat really happens in you.

If I come to you, you will humiliate meand make me weak all the more

I shall not have the strengthto bear it any more.

I thought in my dismay not to see you againand have nothing to do with you in future;

I said in my alarm and angerthat I shall cut off my relation with you

but feared that I shall regret it later.

Yes, I wrote a long letter saying goodbye,wept over the letter for a few days

and tore it to pieces before postinglest I should withdraw my resolution after posting!

*****

Do not cut off any relationship however much you may suffer or feel hurt. When cut off, one day you may regret; because when you cut off intellectually you were not prepared emotionally. Any

relationship forcefully cut off will keep intruding your mind obsessively. Never cut it off but suspend it for the time being. Then one day it may get cut off by itself.

67. Unread Page

Your life is colourful with gallantries,great personalities had made

entry into your life,your autobiography is full of those glorious personalities.

Our experience, I don’t know, where does it stand in your esteemnot that it should be remembered

as the other valours but I fear that it might be a forgotten landmark.

In moments of intense loveyou have jotted down many an imaginationbut later have no time to go over the same.

Not that I should be honoured with remembranceI should rest content with being

a page in your diary though you may not read it.

But my only wish is this that this page

is not torn away but allowed to staythough it may not serve any purpose in future

and you may skip it over convenientlyevery time you open the diary.

*****

The least one can desire in a relationship is that one’s memory of the relationship is preserved if not actively lived. Being a skipped over page in the diary of the beloved is better than a

destroyed page.

68. Never Told You

We lived many years togetherand I waited to tell you that I loved you

but kept it in my bosom as a secret known to me alone.

Perhaps you noticed my hidden loveaglow and kept hidden

thinking that one day I shall ventureto tell you that I love you.

I gathered all my courage to let you knowthat I love you dearly

but something restrained me to this dayand my lips never let the secret of my heart.

Until the sun sets in my lifeI shall not have told you;

my secret love for you will goburied with me in the tomb;

I shall carry this burden of regretthat I never told you that I loved you!

*****There are times when you cannot tell a person your love for varied reasons. All the same your

love for that person remains intact perhaps till the end of your life. The fact that you did not tell your beloved ones that you loved them till they left the world may be an agonizing regret.

69. Sangamam1

Many a love story made indelible marks on my life;they were all loves that never blossomed into friendship.

Being loved was a necessity butthe longing always persisted in me

to bring it to the pinnacle of friendshipbut it never did, for mine was not to reach that height.

Passionate love, even constantly expressed

1 Sangamam is the meeting point.

lacked the confidenceto pour out everything as I was;there had always been a thin veilseparating me from the beloved;

it appeared like an attractive body without a soul.

Also my life had been graced with manya sincere friendship but most of them

could not integrate love into it;it was like a magnificent soul without a body.

Now it had been His pleasure to reward mein one — both together in you

who are all at once the incarnationof love and friendship,

the amalgam of body and soul.

I rest contented having experiencedin you my longing taking a form

as the mother earth is contentafter a blissful shower fell on her lap,

as a rose twig weeps with joydropping the dew drops expressing

gratitude to the dawn that opened her buds.

My soul sheds tears of joy in grateful sentiments ofhaving had a unique experience in you;

for you are the first Sangamamof love and friendship in my life —a long cherished dream come true!

Perhaps you are the last Sangamam as well.

*****

Love is a necessity for survival but friendship is a luxury. Not many are able to afford friendship. But when both love and friendship are integrated in one relationship then that is bliss.

70. Broken Fortress

When you said that you loved meI felt defenceless and stood speechless

with downcast eyes and trembling fingers;you looked in my eyes and expected a response

that made me all the more ashamedand I felt humbled.

Instantly my strong fortress felland my boundaries loosenedand I felt pleasantly invaded;

I did not know that was the feeling of love.

Hereafter there shall not belines drawn between you and me

like land and seanor will I succeed building a barrier

because there shall not be any foundationto support a structure of division.

Now I feel psychologically nakedcloaked with shame and fear

and I was afraidthat you would laugh at my bareness

but you benevolently covered mewith your bountiful love and

whispered in my earslike the breath of a gentle breeze

“I love you.’

*****

Our relationships are governed by boundaries (rigid, loose and clear). When we love someone and that love is accepted and reciprocated then the boundaries collapse. Boundaries are nothing

other than psychological barriers. When the boundaries collapse it is an ecstasy because two human beings merge as one.

71. You Have Become Immortal

You have become immortal in my memory;the remembrance of you haunts meday and night I am mad after you;my tongue and lips quiver with joy

as I pronounce your name.

When I call you it is not that I wantto tell you something

but only want to give my lipsthe ecstasy of pronouncing your name.

If I were to make a statue for you time might destroy it;

my poems with which I muse on youwill be forgotten

but the fact that you have been made immortalin my memory will stand forever.

Your home is not far away from mineand I secretly watch as you make

your entry into and exit from your home;your silent steps cannot elude my ever watchful eyes.

Tears of joy well up in my eyes and in my shynessI fight to hide them from you as I repose on your shoulder;

as you idly loiter over your daily choresI stand at a distance thanking the Lord

looking at you through the corner of my eyesfor you have become immortal in my memory.

*****To imagine and wish that the relationship one has is eternal and the beloved is immortal is

natural. In the eyes of the one in love, everything is superlative.

72. The Sigh

Oh, could I heard your sigh once more;it thrills my being to hear you sigh with love;

the anguish of heart sick with loveweeps with words unheard of

in the darkness veiled with silent whispers;the remembrance of the sound of your sigh

sings clear in my ears.

I used to wonder when I did not know yetwhat it is to love,

when I was still not ripe for loveI thought you were heaving

at the heavy burden you move.

But now it has dawned on methat it is yearning expressed

in silent supplication,the language of the love gods

that flirt about the mortals;you were expecting an echo of your sigh from me

but I laughed and ran away.

Today nature has touched me graciouslywith her impetuous hands

and the heart that shelters love unexpressedhas awakened my drooping spirit

and now I look around brushing aside my veil

but I miss your sigh andI regretfully long for that lost sigh of yours!

*****

It looks like a game of hide-and-seek. When He is after you, you do not keep yourself in readiness. And when you want to feel Him, He seems to be absent! It is indeed an experience of

the “dark night of the soul.”

*****There are times when someone was in love with you and expressed it but you were not ready.

But there comes a time when you long for it but that person may have ceased to love you.

73. Prayer On Wings

From the day I mingled my life with yours

my prayer life has taken on a different meaning;

the Lord had already blessed my barren ground

with many a good shower of gracethat I never merited;

and now you are a new prayerhe has put in my heart.

It is years since I stopped praying;my only prayer has been feeling grateful

to Him for all He showered on me;added to that you had put my prayer life

on an elevated track.

So far I did not knowit could be so easy to pray;

now you are a new reason for my prayerand I feel I am on wings when I pray you.

*****There is no only one way to pray. Prayer can take any form. Anything on your mind can be made

a prayer. Remember that the other can be a sacrament of prayer for you.

74. The Old Diary

When I was young and energeticI went to a tailor for stitching my attire

and found immense delight in his designs;days passed by and my taste changed

like the changing seasons.

I left the village and went to a distant land;for many years I did not return to my tailor;

when I was past middle ageI came back to my village and

by chance went to meet my old tailor.

After some thirty years we met each otherwith great surprise

looking at each other in amazement;without uttering a word

he bent down and searchedand took out an old dirty diary

buried under a pile.

He opened the diary and scanned the pageslike an ancient parchment;

and spotted my name written in bold letterswith the measurement for my attire.

He turned the diary andshowed me my name with moistened eyes;

I could not believe that he could preserve my name

for so many years waiting for my arrival;

tears rolled down my cheeksas I looked into his moistened eyesand we both remained speechless.

*****

At times we are greeted with tender memories of relationship or friendship forgotten for many years. Yet someone may remember you and preserve your name intact. That is indeed a moment

of friendship.

75. Victory

I had gone for the battle to return crested with a crown of victory;but my lot was to lick the dust

of defeat and return with bruised face,bleeding breast and a body belted with blows.

If this be your mercy let me endure the shame

to learn that there is no difference betweenvictory and defeat and in your sight

both are one and the same.

Let me not want victory but humiliation;give me the grace

that I may beg to be humbledand made low to the dust andthat will be the victory eternal

for you know how to make defeat into victory.

*****

Failure and success are the same in the sight of the Lord. Both can be means of sanctification. What does it matter if the Lord prefers one way to the other provided that it leads you to your

sanctification?

76. Union

The rain water pattering from the skyruns in rills to find its abode among the lowliest;

like that virgin water let me flow downwith the stream to the great river

and merge with the mother ocean.

Now I am proudthat I belong to the great ocean

that envelops the eartheven if I have lost my former form.

When I mingle with you I am no more a stream

for I have become great by mingling with you;now I extend my wings to the ends of the world

and touch every race of people irrespective of their country and colour.

Let all my being fly to you

to be immersed in you as with the oceanand mingle my life with yours

in a union of love.

*****Love is a great motivating factor in our relationships and interactions. Ultimately love tends

towards union as its culmination.

77. Statue

What eternal beauty has become incarnate in gigantic granite?

Who was the sculptor that gave you form in immortal stone?

How eloquent are your speechesin deep silence!

How enchanting is the gaze in your still eyeballs!

Who was the privileged one to touch your lips to give a twist!

Oh stop staring at my povertybut open your lips and speak!

Come down from your pedestalfor you are not meant to be idle and still;come and mingle with the common folk

for you are not different from any one of us.

You are created with eternal beautythat grows with the passing of time

as you enticed many a generation of peopleand held them captive with your beauty.

*****

Some values are trans-temporal. They transcend time and space. Things of the world will pass off but these values will endure because they are eternal.

78. The Irony

The Master had trained many disciplessome of whom lived with him;

but it was only with these young disciplesthat the Master had many problems.

A new recruit quite young in agewas admitted into probation;

but this novice had no much regard,for the strict observance of the Rule.

The young disciples will all jointogether and fly into a rage and

reprimand the Master for not beingsufficiently strict with the new recruit.

One evening the Master was heard confidingin an old venerable disciple:

“The novice is more well-behavedthan these young disciples when

they themselves were under probation!”

*****We project our own problems on others. The more we are disturbed over the sins and faults of

others out of proportion, that itself is an indication that we ourselves are guilty of those violations. Anything out of the way or exaggerated needs to be questioned, for that need not be

genuine.

79. Archives

Two of the disciples had a longstanding quarrelin the monastery.

One of the two always took noteof the date and time

of the quarrels in his voluminous diary.

One day the quarrel reachedsuch a climax that they both went to the Master

for settling the dispute.

The one with the diary gavewell-documented accusations

against his companion to which the other disciplehad no answer and stood defenceless.

The Master purposely avoided giving a verdict;but the diary disciple insisted on hearing from

the Master to which the Master only said sadly:

“Even if all the accusations were true

of your companion,you are more heinous than he

for having kept a record of his sinsand soiled your soul with

the meditation on the same.”

***

How can you be in peace when you keep yourself busy meditating on the sins of others? Keeping a record of the sins of others soils your soul and makes it stink. Anger is momentary; resentment is more heinous. Recording the sins of others for your personal reference/recollection/rumination

or to blackmail ruins your soul.

80. Spirituality

My dream was to make a comparative studyof all the religions to find the right path to perfection.

Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism and Jainism all speakof detachment as the right path to salvation.

Then I should have a library of spirituality —a spirituality that teaches renunciation — said I.

I was so intent on having a library of spiritualitythat I wandered far and wide in all the regions;

begged for books from others with dogged determinationand assiduously filled my shelves with great volumes.

Would get up early in the morning andretire late at night meanwhile spending my time

in my great library in the contemplation ofmy acquisition that teaches

the right path of renunciation.

I would forgo anything but my libraryof spirituality for which I went into

great pains, why, even risked my lifeto preserve my precious possessions;and all this I did to learn renunciation.

But alas, if only I could forget my library,then believe me,

I have attained my salvation.

*****When you have believed that you are really spiritual and detached, your heart may be bound and remain captive of some trivial thing. A constant self-checking is a salutary spiritual step to purify

your intentions.

81. Not Come True

My heart became callous andmy eyes have become blind

to the beauty of nature;I have set up my hopes and dreams

in the fairy land high above the vaulted heavens.

When the spring flowers spreadtheir careless colours

across the evergreen meadowsI looked at them in disdain;

when the parrots spoke to each otherendearing words of love

on the twigs of guava trees with mouthfuls of fruitI threw a stone to chase them away.

The squirrels dart from tree to treein a mad mirth of meeting

with each other after a playful chase;children cheerfully play by themselves

in their innocent nakedness covered with dust;and I see at a distance a beggar

with his vagabond waresidly drooping under a mango tree.

When the north wind came knocking at my doorlike a tired and eager beggar

I ran to shut my doors with shackles andbecame angry at my window

that stealthily allowed a moonbeamto enter my room tiptoe.

The blades of grass laden with the dew-drops of last nightbend low to place their precious burden

in the lap of the mother earthlest the dew-drops should suffer

the pain of falling carelessly.

And I look on them with a callous heart and cataract eyesturning a deaf ear to the beckoning of nature

my Master has spread for meand I weep and wail for

the hopes not fulfilled and the dreams not come true!

*****

Happiness is not something to be achieved directly. It is a byproduct. A direct pursuit of happiness will miss the mark. No hope that is fulfilled and no dream that came true is going to

give you happiness unless you just give up your hopes and dreams and take things as they come on your way.

82. Dew Drops Fell On My Fingers

I was all athirst to see the sky at nightwhen she puts on her gorgeous night gown

having removed her plain garbworn in the clear day light.

The stars were studded on her breastlike glow worms dimly lighting the distant forest;

her complexion had the tinge of dark bluethat stirred my longing to feel her.

Her eyes were shut in the ecstasy ofmeeting with the dawn in the morning.

Half unknown to her I opened the widowand hesitantly passed my fingers on her;

and I was immediately blessed with a few dew dropsof ecstasy on the tip of my fingers.

Withdrew my hand only to realize that my fingers were unwilling to part with the blessing;

even the sky volunteered to dry upthe dews thinking that she

soiled my fingers with the dews.

But all of a sudden my fingers becametoo possessive of the unmerited treasure andkept vigil the whole night guarding the dews.

Alas the rising sun has licked the dew dropsby his passing breath much against the will

of my fingers;yet the memory of the fallen dewsis preserved safe under the nails;

and my fingers were tremulous with joyall the day for the dew drops that fell on them.

*****The least things can be precious in relationship. It does not matter what is given but rather who

gave it with thoughtfulness.

83. Guilt

The Master was never heard ofhaving spoken on any virtue in particularwhereas one of his disciples was fond ofgiving frequent and prolonged discourses

on sincerity.

A visitor to the monastery beingtired of hearing the same theme

asked the master why the disciplespoke so much on sincerity.

The master was silent for sometimeand spoke up when constrained to do so:“Maybe because,” he said sagaciously,

“he is suffering from insincerity.”

*****

When we give exaggerated emphasis to certain virtues and protest, it may be a sign that we ourselves do not possess them, and at times it might also be a sign of guilt.

84. The Walls Of Jerico

The walls that stood tall between us for yearshave tumbled and finally fallen flat to the ground

by the provident and mighty touch of the Lordwho creates history afresh by His fanciful providence.

Standing psychologically nakedI run the risk of being vulnerable;

for I have nothing with which to cover my nakedness;

shyness is not large enough to clothe mefor that only leaves me half clad.

In vain I try to build up the erased wallsbut they fall down fatally on me

making me more bruised.

As I was open to your gazeyou saw my dark corners,

the secret shrines where my favourite godsare incessantly worshipped with incense;

you walked through all the labyrinthcorridors of my life.

Your indifference would have renderedme eternally naked

but to my surprise, having seen my darker sideyou graciously took me in, naked as I wasand thus covered my shame with honour.

*****

Once the boundaries are loosened between two individuals there is no room for shame because two are fused into one being. And then no one needs to feel ashamed of his barrenness and

shortcomings. For the one complements the other.

85. The Photographer

Early in the morning you stood with your cameraand I asked you why, to which you merely replied

that you wanted to take the rising sun with its golden beams.

And when the morning wore into midday you asked meto shade you with un umbrella

while you took the photo of the grazing cattlenibbling the lazy grass.

And when the sun fell into the lap of the eveningyou climbed the terrace and said

you wanted to take the view of the winding Cauverywith its clamouring waves.

A little later you wanted a close-upof the girls taking bath in the river innocently half naked.

Then when I went to water the drooping gardenyou asked me to step aside while

you captured the beauty of the blossoms.

All of a sudden you turned your camera heavenwardand said you are clicking the clouds that are hazy

idly wandering about aimlessly in the vast blue sky.

And late in the eveningwhen the sun was about to sink

into the bosom of the dark blue seayou said it is the last shot meantto catch the speeding sun setting.

All this while I stood nearbysecretly longing and waiting to ask youif only you would take a photo of me!

****

At times we are extravagant and lavish to help those outside and may overlook the legitimate needs and sentiments of those who are with us and serve us.

86. Visitation

The provincial made a canonicalvisitation of a monastery.

The youngest student came andspoke to him about the superior

till the last friar.

Then came the regent and he did likewise.

The rest of the members cameand spoke about everyone else

in the community.

Finally came the superiorwho was eloquent in talking aboutthe vicar down to the last postulant.

To all these the provincial lentonly a patient listening.

When at last the visitation reportarrived from the provincial,

it had only one sentence:“I would earnestly desire

that in future each one speaksabout himself and not about the others.”

*****

Self-examination is not about others but about oneself. A life that has not been self-evaluated will stagnate and decline. One may talk about the others in order to avoid talking about himself

and owning his faults that are glaring. In a meeting the one who talks most and attacks others violently is the one guiltiest of those accusations.

87. Footprints On Seashore

I had a childhood chum whomtime separated from me in pursuit

of a different walk of life;my mind used to be filled withthe memory of the bygone days

when we walked side by side on the seashore.

Often I used to visit our favourite seashore;there used to be families with their children,all of them merrily enjoying the time whilethe children run about chasing one another.

Every time I visited the seashoreI was reminded of my walk with my friend;

I would sit for a while and extendmy tired limbs on the sand

while tears would flowas I mused on something I knew not.

I would rouse up from the shore,shake the sand from my limbs

and retire in silence to my homehoping to walk on the seashore

one day with my friend.

At last arrived a day when I met my friendand ran to narrate to him something precious

to both of us concerned;I told him that I saw our footprints on the seashore

to which he merely laughed and said:

“That cannot be true!”

I had no convincing proofand with downcast eyes I murmured to myselfwhile my friend looked at me in bewilderment

and we both remained immobile in silence.

*****Love and friendship have a logic of their own which normally others do not understand. Love

and friendship can see things that others cannot see. This experience is not a hallucination but a longing that has become crystallized.

88. Thus Enough

It does not matter how my future will beif I ever will continue to be blessed with your love

is not my concern either;what makes me contented at this moment is

the fact that I found favour in your sightat least once in my life.

Thus enough, says my heart,though my greed is for more;

I did not make a secret of my love for you;the pillars of your house will bear mute witness

to the fact of our love.

The gentle breeze of that evening of our encounterhas carried the message to the skies andconveyed to the curiously peeping stars

that keep constantly whisperingto one another on the sly.

When the moon overheard the whisperthat we loved each other,she covered her laughterwith the vagabond clouds

hanging about her, lest the earth should

mock at her unusual laughter.

The immature clouds unable to containthe newly acquired secret boisterously laughed

till tears of mirth flowed at whichthey rushed madly to the mother earth

to unburden their secret that we loved each other;but the mother earth only smiled and

pronounced a blessing on us.

Thus enough, says my heart, for it is contentmentthat already fills my heart to the breaking point

that I found favour in your sighteven though it be for once in my life.

*****You are singled out when the Lord looks on you and favours you beyond your expectation. Even

the one time favour is a blessing that will fill you to the brim.

*****There may be relationship in which even once to have been loved unconditionally is a great

fulfillment to remember lifelong.

89. My Life Stands Blessed

My life stands blessed with your love;you came as a gift beyond expectation;your advent into my life has changed

the course of my personal history.

The meaning it holds for meis beyond my wordings;

what inspired the Lord to makeour encounter come true

I can hardly know.

For years we had been neighbours

but nothing better than strangersuntil the other day, oh the blessed dayyou intruded into my secret recessesand secured the centre of my heart.

My heart brims over with gratitudefor the grace that seeped into my

stony structure;blessed are my eyes that behold you

at close quarters;can’t I call my arms doubly blessedfor they hold you closer than I do.

Truly you are the grace with which the Lorddeigned to bless my life;

and that makes my heart sing songs of gratitude;for my life stands blessed by your love.

*****Your life is not barren. Count the number of people who made entry into your life. And every

relationship has blessed you for ever more.

90. Triangle

I cherished a secret love for youhidden within the shrine of my innermost heart

like the bud that shelters the fragrance of the flowerknown to me alone and to none other in the world

and I waited for love to blossom when the time ripens.

Often I mused languidly on my enshrined loveand the ecstasy of our union and

how I would fly like a bird in the vast skyand swim like a fish in the deep ocean and

roam carelessly like a vagabond summer cloud.

One day when you came and wanted to confide in mea secret burden that you carried

I was thrilled thinking perhaps it is aboutyour love for me which you have

finally decided to communicate to me.

As you opened your heart and sobbed profuselyabout your rejected love for your beloved

who scorned your love and left you forlornthe thought plunged you into deep grief.

As I listened to you my heart sank,my eyes failed and my palpitation stopped

as though I received a shock;and I took some time to recover

to console you meanwhileweeping within my heart

saying I am not your love.

*****You may find yourself in a love triangle relationship. All the same that is an experience of

vulnerability with no immediate cure, but with the passing of time, the future will bring you God’s healing touch.

91. Whose Fault?

I was wandering about in a lonely pathlike a remnant cloud of a summer eveningas you came from the opposite directionlike a fog emerging from a thick forest

carried away by the desert wind.

When you came near me you stopped and smiled at me and passed by without a word;

I was taken aback as I never saw a smile before like the one I experienced from you

and your smile stirred my heart to aching.

As I stood there still I looked back and saw you proceeding further;

I beckoned to you and retraced my steps;as I reached you I looked into your face and

you seemed to wonder in amazement and asked me “what?”

Overcome by fear I only asked you in a timid voice and subdued tone:

“Why did you smile at me?”To which you merely said that you were looking

at the distant scene and smiled to yourself;and you walked away without further delay

leaving me forlorn.

I was not convinced of what you said;my feet forgot to move,

when I came to myself I brought myself home and stayed awake the whole night while

thinking of your smiling face and I kept asking the question within my heart:

“Then why did you smile at me?”

*****At times your innocent and unintentional actions may create ripples in the mind of others. At

those moments who is at fault? You or the others?

92. Touch Your Heart

When I sat in your class for the lessons I knew notthat something pleasant will befall my life.

I sat like a lonely lotus drooping over the still pondwaiting for the sun to wake her up.

When you started asking me questions I was not preparedlike the premature buds that are reluctant to open the petals

and I felt ashamed when I did not answer you properly;but you laughed and made fun of me in front of others,

which filled me with shame on my face and a secret pride in my heart to overflowing.

Every day I would long for your questioning me like the doves that wait for the dawn.

If you had asked me questions my heart would thrill with joy

and I would feel astir the whole dayand muse on the joy of your closeness to me.

I used to wonder why should you ask me questionswhen there are so many students in the class;

but you persevered in asking me questions every day and made my heart ache with some unknown secret longing.

When the day came for our course to get overlike the circus tent that is being pulled down

after a week’s programme to go to the next village,I thought you would call me to bid me goodbye

but you happily ended your classes and started to retire taking leave of us.

I ran after you to say adieu and halted you on the way;you looked into my face and said bye with a hurried handshake

and made me wondering if that was all that you were to me.I asked you if you would return to our village

to which you merely said “No” and took further steps.

I blocked your steps and took courage to ask you:“Touch your heart and tell me if you did not love me!”

You averted your gaze and looked down for a while and remained silent;

there was no answer from your quivering lips

and you walked away pensively,leaving me forlorn for the rest of my life.

I wait for the day to dawn in my lifewhen I shall meet you by chance and ask you once again“Touch your heart and tell me if you did not love me!”

*****If you nurture and cherish secret love for the other, is the other responsible for it?

93. Safe At His Feet

Like the dawn that vanishesat the gentle call of the sunbeams

leaving the clinging night lonely withher eyes still wet with the tears of dew,

you have fled to your eternal homeat His command leaving me forlorn

with tearful eyes all day.

May you be safe in His bosomwhom you trusted so firmly here;

and as the night is consoled at the thoughtof meeting the dawn the next morning

so let me rest contented in the hopeof meeting you some distant day

at the feet of the Master.

Till we meet againmy sighing is a prayer

I breathe for your safety at His feet.

*****

To believe that the parted beloved is with the Lord and that one day you will meet your beloved is a grace of hope.

94. Shadow Of Infinite Love

Let me sum up my life as a short storyas I place it at your feet and gaze at your face

with folded arms and trembling dust laden feet.

My story has no valour to recount;I lived an ordinary life with peasants and fields,

cattle and creepers in the chicken farmcovered with haystack and fences.

If you evaluate it, it may not pass the markfor it is filled with mere emptiness and waste

like a fog that wanders without a purposeand vanishes at the breath of the rising sun.

I endeavoured to love people and places;flowers and birds filled me with thrill;

cats and dogs were my constant companions;and I passed my life

without any spectacular achievementsbecause that was what I could do.

Do not ask me to tell my storyfor shame I shall drop my eyes and remain speechless

for I have nothing to say except murmur and sighlike the breath of the evening windthat my life was merely a shadowof your infinite love lived here.

*****

Your life story will never be in vain. You are an echo of the Almighty in His infinite love. You are His love witnessed here on earth. Being ordinary and simple — with no spectacular

achievements — is indeed extra-ordinary.

95. Evening Of Life

My prime of life is spent that was only once;it is all over and now I stand

by the running stream in the evening ofmy life potentials.

Past memories cloud my mind and pass awayto the tune of the fugitive water

in the stillness of the woodland wastethat covetously clock the silence of the ages

as I walk into the innermost depth of my memory.

The crackling sound of dead leaves underfootmakes ripples in the dead silence of the woodland;

a flash of memory plunges me into the bottomof my previous life with you.

I wish to consider it memorable at least;we have written it with pencil to be

erased conveniently;but I desire that we honour it

at least leaving it as a forgotten pagein the diary to be skipped over

every time we turn the leaves of it.

*****

At the close of life as you stand perhaps lonely, you are sustained and strengthened by the memory of the relationships that were meaningful in your prime of life. Relationships and

support groups sustain us in our crises.

96. Brink Of My Voyage

I’ve come to the brim of my voyageand stand at the edge of eternity

at an untimely hour;the speeding minutes have been counted

in your eternal Nowand I await with heart anxious

in overwhelming pain of separation.

My life has not been lived to the full and I am prematurely plucked;

I take my untimely leavein the midst of my life

from this boisterous and colourfulpageantry of the crowd

as I scramble for time to gently do my last bidding.

The dark veil of death already closes my eyes

like the darkness of the gloom of night covering the day;yet my hands are full and

my desires unfulfilled are manythat will never see the light of day.

It’s time to say farewell;I bow my head and fold my hands in tears;I look into your eyes sobbing with grief;let me for a moment touch your feet and

take my leave saying for the last timein timid voice and trembling uncertain fear

“Goodbye.”

*****

The ultimate vulnerability is death. We humans experience it in a variety of ways depending upon the homework we have done on our developmental stages, our personality makeup and the

relationship we have lived. God, let me bid adieu to the earthly sojourn gracefully!

97. Poverty To Riches

When you bid me to come to youlet me surrender to you without struggle;I have sung vain empty songs all my life

that float in the vagabond windwith the aimless clouds lazily dotting the sky

that mock me to this moment.

My fear is what I shall offer you at your throne in the clouds

when I stand speechless before youwith hands empty extendedand throbbing heart languid

and my head bowed down in shame.

All that I carry ismere emptiness and sorrow of utter poverty

like a warrior who went to the field with dreams but returned in dusty defeat.

Yet my hopes soar to the skiesat the thought of standing before the Master

with overflowing affluence of priceless wealth;my hope is that He will convert my poverty

into riches with His golden touch.

*****

The Lord will fill your emptiness. Then your fullness will make the grace of God spill over. But your emptiness is a prerequisite to fill it with His overflowing grace. Remember that only an

empty pot can be filled!

98. Wake Me Up

If it is time to depart, please wake me upfor I may drowse and dream before I undertake

the long and tortuous journey;I need neither provision nor extra attire

for I intend to go empty handedlike a beggar with palms extended.

The things of the world gorgeous and humblefilled my heart and kept it astir all my wasted life;

they cannot stand by me when I travel alonefor I am not sure what I would really need.

When my last breath has leftwith the breeze of the south wind

lay me on the lap of the Mother Earth;sound a trumpet and summon a festivalto celebrate the carnival of my passing.

Let there not be tears in your eyesnor sighs in your breath;

let there be laughter and mirthbecause I’m to be espousedto my Beloved in secret..

*****

The one who fashioned you in your mother’s womb will not let you vanish in thin air. Your return to His bosom is a homecoming.

99. The Last Utterance

Let this be my last utterance to youbefore my speech is dried up on my tongue

and my eyes lock for eternity from seeing your face

as I whisper to your ear my last desire.

Many regrets I leave behindheavy and shameful;

and there are many desires virginthat would never come true;

I retire into obscuritycovered with shame and disgrace.

You have known my poverty and fallen pride;my frail frame is marked with defeat;

before my breath ceases to belet me say my last utterance.

There is no time for a long discourseof what my fearful heart desires to say

but let me use this little momentbenevolently granted to me

to say for all that you have been to mea big “Thank You.”

*****

A life lived in gratitude to everything you receive here on earth may end up with the summing up of your life in thankfulness. Contentment and gratitude are the keys to the art of living and the art

of dying as well.

100. The Last Glance

I walk with my wasted frame like the thin summer air

to the garden bright with the beams of the sun;let me see for the last moment the blossoms of the field and

the butterflies fluttering from flower to flower.

Let me touch the leaves of the creeper clinging to a frail frame

hung low with the burden of the leavesand feel the dew drops on the petals of flowers

protected from the greedy south windfrom lapping them up.

Let me take a pen and paperthat I may scribble something

flowing from my aching empty heartthat longs to force my fragile fingers to write.

Enough I have seenas the market time is over

and the day’s work is done;let me close my wearied eyes

as the Lord closes my book of life.

*****

In your life you would have seen enough of this colourful world. When the life is done, may you have the fruit of contentment, fulfillment, meaning and gratitude.

101. Allow Me To Weep

I beg you to allow me to weepbefore I close my eyes in silence and depart;

in the thick of work and in the crowded marketwith shouts and screams my eyes refused to weep.

I weep for the love rejected and the love not given;

I may not have another chance to open my heart to pour it out in tears

like the drizzle of the prolonged rainy day.

When my weeping is done withlet me lay down on my idle bed;

deck me with garlands and wreathsand light the perfumed incense sticks

and close my eyes with yourever gentle touch of pain.

For I may not struggle to give upas my work is done,

my frail body has gone weak,the lamp in the desolate corner of my hut is out

and darkness with its gloom fills my bosom.

I shall ride the wheels of the wind that blows with no purpose

and reach the far-off land of sunrise beyond the mountain cliffs of the peaks

where the newly hatched eaglets greedily await their parents with open mouths

and there I shall meet Him with my eyes transfixedand my dream will be filled

with the fragrance of his presence.

*****

When your earthly pilgrimage is over, He will fill you with the fragrance of His presence which alone will satiate your thirst.

102. Breast Of The Beloved

When the sun with its evening raysshall unwillingly set as the darkness chases itas the tired boats laden with the catch of fish

embrace the shore to be consoled after the day’s workI shall close my tired eyes in peaceweary with weeping and anguish.

The past with the impetuous dreamsof my youth in the prime of lifewill be remembered in nostalgia

and will be offered as a gift to my Beloved.

When the eager earth shall make her claimfor my frail body she had lent me,

let it be said thatI gave it back willingly with gratitude

with folded hands and bowed headand laid it gently like a dew drop

on her generous lap.

I have no other dream except this:To fly like a bird on the wings of the hurricane

and soar high like an eagle with its outstretched armsand nestle in the breast of my Beloved.

*****

At the end of your voyage you will nestle securely and comfortably in the bosom of the Lord.

103. Eternal Embrace

When I came and stood before you dumbfoundI forgot for what I had come.

I languidly lingered and pressed myself forward;not a word was spoken and my heart throbbed

with words unutterable loud as silent stepspounding my arid heart to aching with anguish.

Tears came to my eyes and flowed downas dew drops on my lap;

I joined my hands in salutation to youand opened my empty hands as a gift

for I could bring nothing more than my poverty.

Command me, I beg you, to come close to youand sit only at your adorable feet

that is for what my useless life had beenwearing out weeping and wailing in vain.

My breath will touch your breastas my tears shall wash your feet

and I shall dedicate my lifein an eternal embrace to you;

and from then on, I know,I will never be separated from you.

*****When you are summoned and you stand before the Lord, you wish to be not separated from Him

for eternity.

104. You Are There

I do not know what awaits me therebeyond this distant horizon buried in fog

far away in the deep blue sky;for I hoped against hope

that you would stand yonder therewhen I cross from this passing shadow of life

hurriedly summoned to stand before you;and I come to meet you at your bidding.

The far-away horizon is hazylike the cloud carried by the howling wind;

I can’t figure out who awaits me there;but as you sustained my mortal futile life here

I hope you’d continue in faithfulnessto hold me in your palms there.

I am not certain andthat’s why my tremulous heart aches incessantly

trembling like the leaves in the hot summer middayuncertain at this moment filling me with dismay

laden with grief and bitter sorrow;and I am confident

that you are there at the horizon awaiting meeven though I do not see you.

*****

It is an act of faith to expect Him at the close of your life as you did trust in Him during your sojourn here on earth.