Who Moved My Mouse? by Dena Harris - Excerpt

8/8/2019 Who Moved My Mouse? by Dena Harris - Excerpt

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WhoMoved My

Mouse?A Self-Help Book for Cats

(Who Dont Need Any Help)DENA HAR RIS


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WhoMoved My

Mouse?

TEN SPEED PRESS

Berkeley

A Self-Help Book for Cats

(Who Dont Need Any Help)

Dena HarrisAmericas Cat Humorist

and Mr. Nom-Noms

Americas Most Know-It-All-Expert . . . on Everything

Illustrations by Ann Boyajian
http://www.randomhouse.com/crown


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For the Tall Guy

Copyright 2010 by Dena HarrisIllustrations copyright 2010 by Ann Boyajian

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Ten Speed Press, an imprint of the

Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

www.crownpublishing.com

www.tenspeed.com

Ten Speed Press and the Ten Speed Press colophon are registered trademarks

of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Harris, Dena.

Who moved my mouse? : a self-help book for cats (who dont need any help) /

by Dena Harris. 1st ed.

p. cm.

Includes index.

Summary: is self-help guide will empower cats to make the 20 minutestheyre awake each day the best 20 minutes of their livesProvided by publisher.

1. CatsHumor. 2. CatsMiscellanea. I. Title.

PN6231.C23H29 2010

818.602dc22

2010008796

ISBN 978-1-58008-356-0

Printed in the United States of America

Design by Chloe Rawlins

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

First Edition


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Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTSD vii

CHAPTER ONE:

A Cats Conversations with GodD 1

CHAPTER T WO:

Purrsonality ProfileD 13

CHAPTER THREE:

How to Win Friends and Influence Dog PeopleD 33

CHAPTER FOUR:

Who Moved My Mouse? An Amazing Path to

Declare Revenge on Those Who Dare Disturb

What Is YoursD 43

CHAPTER FIVE:

Dont Sweat the Small Stuff . . . But Feel Free to

Freak Out Over Anything That Moves Suddenly

or Without WarningD 59

CHAPTER SIX:

Nice Cats Dont Get the Corner Litter BoxD 73

CHAPTER SEVEN:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective CatsD 95

CHAPTER EIGHT:

The Fur AgreementsD 105

CHAPTER NINE:

A Cats Worst-Case Scenario Survival HandbookD 115

BONUS CHAPTER:

The SecretD 131

ABOUT THE AUTHORD 133

INDEXD 134
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The secret of success is knowing

who to blame for your failures.Author unknown (but probably a cat)


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vii

Acknowledgments

FROM MR. NOM-NOMSFirst, Id like to acknowledge my superiority and thank all of

you for doing the same. at about covers it, but the human who

did absolutely no work on this book except to transcribe, type,

edit, and assemble it (and dole out the occasional tuna treat when

inspiration ran low) wishes to say a few words as well. I cant be

expected to hang around for that. Bored now. Leaving. Good-bye.

FROM THE HUMANIts harder than you might think to look someone in the eye and

admit your latest project is a self-help book for cats. (But some-

times when you do, people feel sorry for you and give you gro-

cery money.) Many thanks to the following feline-loving friends

who not only kept a straight face when told about the book butencouraged and assisted in its creation along the way. In no par-

ticular order, paws up to Ron Culberson, Trisha Emish, Edmund

Schubert, Laine Cunningham, Tom Barker, Rudy Daugherty

Clark, Daniel Shirley, Pam Cable, and Christopher Laney.

Purrs and head butts to Winifred Golden with Castiglia

Literary Agency for taking on the book, and for her willingness

to accept and respond to email with subject lines like Re: What

do you think of this joke about cat litter?

Many thanks to Ten Speed Press and my wonderful editor,

Lisa Westmoreland.

And, finally, a special thanks to Lucy and Olivia, who remind

me daily thatcats arepurrfect and dont need my help.
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D C H A P T E R O N ED

A CatsConversations

with God


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2

D

You are about to listen in on an extraordinary conversation. Aconversation you may think isnt possible. . . .What if you were offered the chance to quiz God and ask

all of the questions youve ever had about existence: why rocking

chairs are allowed to exist, where the feather on a stick reallygoes

when its slid under the couch, and why your humans refuse to

recognize the goldfish as sushi, for starters.

What if God answered you? (And it wasnt just the catnip

talking.)

When patrolling the underside of chairs and swatting theTV remote to regions unknown fails to bring about the normal

glow of satisfaction, thats when you notice the ache in your

heart. Something is missing. is conversation will replace it.

Heal it. Or, at the very least, it will temporarily distract you

until an innocent little bird (read: afternoon snack) shows up in

your yard.

Are you ready? God has something to say to you.


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A Cat's Conversations with God 3

Dear God, what is the purpose of the dog? Ive wracked my brain

and all I could come up with was . . . well, nothing. Nada. Nil.

No comprendo.

I have created a world of polarity. ere can be no up with-

out down, no black without white, no meows without barks.

Dogs serve to maintain this polarity. For cats to be revered as

elegant, refined, and superior, there must be a clumsy, crude,

substandard species through which to offer a relevant com-

parison. Dogs serve my purpose of showcasing the feline as my

highest creation.

D

Ten why does Dog spelled backward equal God?

at was an oversight on my part. Horrible mistake. Lots of

confusion resulting from that oneIm still trying to sort it

out. My apologies.

D

Will leaving small animal offerings on my humans back porch

earn me bonus points in Heaven?

It cant hurt. Nothing says I love you like an unexpected

gift, especially if its still kicking. Very sweet of you to share.Good kitty!

D


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4 WHO MOVED MY MOUSE?

Why do you allow bad things, like rocking chairs, vacuum cleaners,

and matching pet-and-owner outfits, to exist?

A lot of that sort of thing is for my own amusement. I still geta chuckle about the carry a Chihuahua in a purse trend I

instigated. I cant believe people fell for that one.

D

Yes, but what about those rocking chairs? Tey really hurt.

Did I not give you lightning-fast reflexes? eyre meant to

compensate for the dangers found in this world. Pull out those

claws and show that rocking chair whos boss.

D

Im trying to attain nirvana. Are fifty sessions of bottom licking a

day enough to produce inner peace?

Not quite. But youre close. Keep going.

D

Why does no one understand my vendetta against the couch tassels?

Tey are evil and must be destroyed.

Dont worry what others think. Instead, rest assured that when

you attack a random objectespecially one with fringeyouare doing Gods work.

D

Why do cats see better than people do in the dark?

I thought it would be funnier that way.
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A Cat's Conversations with God 5

D

So where does that feather on a stick really go when people slide it

underneath the couch? Im afraid to stick anything more than myfront paws under there.

Even Im not sure where the darkness under the couch leads,

but Ive been told that it empties out somewhere near Vegas.

D

In regard to fish tanks, how long before Im allowed to, um, playwith the fish in there?

If I catch you anywhere near the fish tank, Im getting out the

squirt gun. And, being God, my aim is quite good. Understood?

D

Gotcha. How about this: Why nine lives? Why not seven or twelve

or thirty-six?

Nine lives matched the brand of cat food already on the market.

It seemed logical.

D

Is gluttony a sin? (Teres no reason Im asking. Just curious.)

Ill say this: Mealtimes should notresemble sharks swarming

around chum thrown in the water. Instead, you should pause

(or pawshee heeget it?) to offer thanks for the nourish-

ment you receive. Is gobbling your food a sin? No. Is it a little

gross to watch? Frankly, yes.


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To purchase a copy of

Who Moved My Mouse?visit one of these online retailers:
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Who Moved My Mouse? by Dena Harris - Excerpt