7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

1/16

A special edition of The Souths Liveliest College Newspaper

ESTABLISHED 1911, GEORGIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY, ATLANTA, GA

TO

TUESDAYNOVEMBER24, 2009

ONLINE:www.nique.net

!""#$%'&()#$%*$#+$),#(-./'$0

Almost 100 percent new content!

VOLUME 95, ISSUE 18

By Chris P. BaconBear Mediator

Photo by Emma Roids/Pictures not Books

Admissions cutwith increasedreading levels

By Moe Ronn

Academic Mediocrity Ocer

MONSTER TRUCKS PUZZLING PAGEANT JOE COX

ECONOMIC PLUNGER

Bear named new Dean of Forestry

Photo by I.R. Drunk/Picture Taking People

Dean Bear oversees new mandates on in-

creasing student awareness of forest res.

Toilet paper shortages may lead to a lack of UGA diplomas

By Joe Plumber

Plumber Extraordinaire

Photo by Emma Roids/ Pictures not Books

Schnei-Schnei Jones lifts his diploma up high at last Mays commencement ceremony. Jones and his fellow graduates could

be the last of U[sic]GA graduates to receive their diplomas, due to the toilet paper shortage and economic downturn.

e agging economy has slowedthe production of many commodities,including the toilet paper industry.is shortage could have severe reper-cussions, includin one on diplomaavailability, a worry plaguing the U[sic]GA.

ere is denite concern that theremight not be enough toilet paper with

which to print our diplomas on comegraduation day, said Seymour Butte,director of both Administrations and

one of the Alcoholics Anonymous clin-ics in Athens. Weve been thinking ofseveral replacements, but there arentmany materials that hold as manyadvantages that toilet paper does. Forexample, we pride ourselves in tellingprospective students that a Georgiadegree holds many advantages. Like, ifyou had to go to the bathroom and itturns out that the owner forgot to stockup on toilet paper, well then youll bein luck as youll have your diploma. Infact, research shows that our diplomas

Last year, U[sic]GA decided to in-crease the minimum reading standardsfor incoming freshmen to the 3rd gradelevel. e change resulted in a 50% cutin admissions.is decision was made in response to

recent budget cuts by the University Sys-tem of Georgias Board of Regents (BoR)due to the economic downturn. esebudget cuts have forced U[sic]GA tomake cuts to their faculty size. Of which,the admissions stawas hit the hardest.

Our sta is simply unable to gothrough the applications of the many oth-erwise ne second-graders. To help them

we increased the minimum reading stan-dards to aid our admissions sta, saidLou Pole, director of admissions.

Also because of budget cuts U[sic]GAhas been forced to delay the hiring andrelling of vacated faculty positions.

is downturn has made us unable tomaintain the superb faculty that has pro-vided the students with the qualityparty-ing experience, we mean education, that

we have provided for so long, Pole said.With the cuts in admissions, U[sic]GA

can expect to maintain the similar stu-dent-faculty ratios compared to previous

years, nally bringin them in line withstate day-care and child safety standards,a long-time goal.

U[sic]GA has found itself particularlyhard-hit by this nancial crisis. When theBoR announced the budget cuts they areexpressed as a percentage or portion ofthe operating budget.

Because we dont have the promi-nence of other schools like Georgia Techand whatnot, we cant command as largeof a research budget that would otherwiseprovide some support during these nan-cially dicult times, said Harry Pitts,senior vice president for nance admin-istration.

Ocials at U[sic]GA an-nounced last Friday thatSmokey D. Bear has beennamed the new Dean of the

Warnell School of Forestryand Natural Resources. Re-ports have come in from lo-cal residents claiming thatDean Smokey is not in fact

the well-known re safety ad-vocate from the United StatesForest Service public serviceannouncements, but is in-stead a 456 lb. male black bearthat had been seen lumberingaround campus earlier in the

week.e hire came as quite a

shock to many at the schoolincluding the former Deanhimself who was forced to ee

through a second story win-dow after the bear was led intohis oce with a trail of mixednuts and assorted berries andlocked inside. e bears rstorder of business as the newdean was to run about wildly,knocking over tables, chairs,and bookshelves. is redeco-ration was followed by an ex-tended nap on the antique ex-ecutive desk.

Although it was previouslybelieved that they would inter-vene in the matter, the Boardof Regents has decided to letthis one go, according to theBoards Vice Chair RichardD. Philips, since it denitelycant make things any worsethere. When reached for com-ment, Dean Smokey bared his

See Diploma, page 3

See Dean, Page 2

Hell Georgiawith

!"#$%&'()*"+,%)(*-%(.%)/*-%*+0#11'(2#)%&(30-41#"/

)-+5(6475%*+*+489(:%7#1%(

)*;&%8*(-#)(0"4

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

2/16

t/PWFNCFStTechnique TOILET PAPER

City of Athens, Greece renamed

In an act to preserve nationalpride, the Prime Minister ofGreece announced Monday thatafter dealing with decades of dis-appointment and embarrassment,the citizens of Greece have electedto rename the nations capital and

largest city, Athens, to end its as-sociation with its former sister cityof Athens, Georgia.

Recent polls have indicatedthat many residents of the cityhave been confused for quite sometime as to why the birthplace ofsuch great ideas like democracy,philosophy, and modern science

would be aliated with a commu-nity that is home to the cesspoolof the South.

Many went as far as sayingthat they actually hate the smallGeorgian city, its obsession withsmushed-faced dogs, and the gen-eral lack of basic hygienic practic-es amongst the population. A tinyvillage on the outskirts of the cap-ital has even submitted multiple

proposals to the government, alloutlining a plan to summon thepower of Zeus to sink the wholeplace into the ocean just like At-lantis! stating that it would bewicked awesome!

Although the referendum waspassed through Parliament onSunday, there is still no ocial

word on what the new name wi ll

By Hercules CacockpolousSenior Demi-god

actually be. Suggestions have beenpouring in from across the coun-try with several along the lines ofwU[sic]GAopolis, and Pis-sondawga.

Ocials from the city of Ath-ens, Georgia declined to commentout of fear of being kicked into africkin huge bottomless pit by aparticularly angry Spartan.

Dean from page 1teeth and let out a loud roar beforeswiping his massive paw at the

journalist, who suered only mildabrasions and a broken rib.ough it has only been a week

since he was appointed to oce,the Deans term has not been

without controversy amongst thestudent body. Allegations havearisen that Smokey may be of the

subspecies Ursus americanusori-danus, or as they are more com-monly known, Florida Black Bear.

According to polls, a majority ofstudents are, plum angry, at thethought of the university hiring adoody-headed Gator fan!

Not all of the universitys re-cent changes in faculty have beenas disputed. Dean Scru Mc-Gru, a 9-year-old Bloodhound

once used for hunting, has stream-lined the curriculum at U[sic]GAsSchool of Law to include learningto sni out guilty culprits, barkmadly, and bite if necessary. DeanG. Gecko, a students former petlizard, has been rather successfulat the Terry College of Businessbringing the graduation rate up toan astounding 3.5%its highestin years.

Photo by Iona Traktor/ Heavy Machinery

Citizens of Athens, Greece, demand name change following more

than 200 years of humiliation due to another Athens institution.

By the Technique

If its your rst year at GeorgiaTechor if you are a Universityof Georgia student lucky enoughto lay eyes on this issue of theTechniquewelcome to To Hell

With Georgia, a very special edi-tion of the e Souths LiveliestCollege Newspaper. In the fol-lowing pages you will nd alco-hol, rednecks, farm animals andlots of dawgs.

We members of the Techniqueare often asked how the traditionof THWUGA began. Friends saythat by producing such a rag, weTech students merely perpetuateunfortunate stereotypesof Ath-ens students as drunken rednecksand ourselves as geeks with infe-riority complexesthat are nolonger as true as they once were.e answer to these questions arethe same every time; THWUGAis as much about us as it is aboutour rivals.

Some 97 years ago, the rstedition of the Techniquepublishedon Nov. 17, 1911 was a four-pagepaper that focused primarily onthe upcoming football contest

with Georgia. It predicted, ar-rogantly and incorrectly, that the

Jackets would triumph over theBulldogs.

From these modest roots, thepresent day Technique came intobeing. And it is these roots that weas a stahonor when we produce

To Hell With Georgia.Over the years, the Technique

has produced various issues mock-ing UGAs daily newspaper, eRed and Black, and the constitu-ency it serves. Its been called eRude and Bleakand UGA Today,

and its lead story has ranged fromairport security classes to Fordsponsorships.

But it is not the name of thepaper or the content within it thatmatters most to us; it is the tradi-tion embodied in this issue that

we hold deara tradition of inge-nuity and creativity that binds ustogether not only as a newspapersta, but also as a Tech commu-nity.

While the jokes may tend to bethe same, lame or just plain crude,

we stay dedicated to the fact ofhonoring our humble beginnings.Maintaining high journalisticstandards and being the voiceof Tech students is the primaryconcern of the Technique , but

through this special issue we stillkeep alive the moniker of eSouths Liveliest College News-paper.

So as you ip through these 16pages keep in mind its all in goodhumor and meant to make youthankful and proud to be a Jacket.

We hope you enjoy reading it asmuch as we enjoyed creating it.

Remember, this issue is asmuch about you, me and Ma Techas it is about UGA.

THWUGA: As muchabout us as them

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

3/16

Technique t/PWFNCFSt3TOILET PAPER

www.nique.net

sliver

Return to SC at the lost and found or to GT police, they be all around

Just please, please return my keywhy is the sliver box so freaking hard to nd!Oh my gosh I know who the sliver editor is now!

Why are there so many WREK haters that know absolutely noth-ing about the radio station?Bridget, you are beautiful.Esther, you are the cutest Asian ever.Emily, you are my one true love.

Boys at Tech, you stinkkkkkkClint, I joined the sail club for you.

Antonio from Twelth Night, you made Twelth Night the numberone night of my life.

When there are ies on your roommates clothes, you know itstime for her to clean her junk up.Trumpet player with the bright roos, you make me smile.Edward, please marry me.

What Ive learned from Bellichick and Johnson is that going forit on 4th and 1 is okay. 4th and 2? Not so much.Math department is the nerdiest department...crosses CS andmaybe EE!!!georgia tech-a drinking school with an engineering problem

And its 1 am again, and I am tossing and turning thinking aboutyou....DSP. Oh How you make me complete.ey are coming to take me away haha, they are coming to takeme away hoho...Citi presents the Exxon Mobile College of Management in spon-sorship with Tostitos

e only di

erence between being charming and creepy is thereaction.GT PARKING BLOWS THE BIG ONE

Who are these people?freshman survival guide only helps to a certain degree, whetheryou can survive at tech still depends on how smart you areI sense a disturbance in the bogus

accrue more value after such us-age. If we were to switch materialsthen there would be no advan-tage, Butte said.

Some think this break fromtradition represents a grave threatto the university.

Its been the time-honoredtradition to print our diplomas onhigh quality toilet paper. Wevealready broken from our othertraditions like upgrading the min-imum required reading level tothe third grade. Besides, why doI need to take English? I alreadyknow English. Its unpossible forme to fail it. Look at whats hap-pened ever since the switch: en-rollments already dropped 50%.

A change to our diploma materialwould be a greater threat to ourinstitution than mandating a basiclevel of hygiene, said Jim Shorts,

an irate redneck who didnt actu-

ally attend U[sic]GA.Actual Georgia students are

split upon the possibility of achange.

I mean, whats going to likehappen if we had to like go back-packing like in the woods or some-thing? You know what I mean?Like I wouldnt have needed topack extra toilet stu as I couldhave just brought my diploma. IfI were to bring extra toilet stuthen I wouldnt be able to bringall my old Sports Illustrated issuesback when our football team wasstill number 1, said Heywood

Jablomey, a 12th year senior ma-joring in Cowbell Instrumenta-tion.

Other students think thechange is a good thing.

As for Yablomey, Ive got anidea as to what he can use thoseold issues for. Anyways, who cares

what the diplomas are printed on?

ey can use whatever type of pa-per they want for all I care like ti s-sue or graphite. e real value is inthe education we receive. After all,you never know when you have to

weave baskets underwater, saidJenny Tulls, a 6th year Underwa-ter Basket Weaver.ough the discussion remains

heated, ocials are condent a so-lution is close. Here at Georgia,

we believe in tradition but thatdoesnt mean we wont embracesomething new. I mean, it was ac-ceptable before to date our cous-ins and once it became frownedupon, some students persisted.Now look at the progress wevemade, reports of inter-cousin she-nanigans at Athens are down 10%this year! I am supremely con-dent that Georgia will weatherthis storm like it has previousones, Butte said.

Diploma from page 1

Late last week, renowned cryp-tozoologist Dr. Fanny OReararrived in Athens to personallycontinue his search for the artistapparently using U[sic]GA build-ings as his or her artistic canvas.

In a recent interview abouthis new mission, ORear stated,From the evidence so readily ap-parent, it is clear to me we mustbe dealing with a living specimenof mans Cro-Magnon ancestors.e faculty was dubious at myrst insistent pleas to commencea search. ey ignored me for

weeks; t aking the opportunity toconstantly lambaste me that theonly possible explanation of suchart on their campus would be in-visible aliens or a rather intelligentfarm animal.

However, Dr. ORears mo-ment came when bipedal prints

appeared under the newest work.Most everyone has rapidly shiftedto Dr. ORears theory believingno other as a possibility. e fac-ulty, in a move to identify if thisindividual is hiding among thestudent body, has dispersed artis-

Mysterious cavedrawings revealed

By Art Syfartsy

Caveman

tic aptitude tests.We will feel so proud if this

caveman is among our students,said Professor Gripes, never haveI held out so much hope that aU[sic]GA student could have sucha talent to develop.

Graders have refused to pres-ent the results of the examination.Rumors suggest that multiplestudents have met the criteria forthe suspected specimen. However,Gripes shared some of his hopes asto the eventual conclusion.

Gripes said, Never had Ithought it possible, but here we

just may be able to identif y a pre-historic person by intelligence.ink of what may be revealed

when he or she is discovered.Could it even be that he is of aclan that has survived here atU[sic]GA with little or no geneticharm since the establishment ofthis institution? I nd that to bemy grandest dream now that I

have witnessed this U[sic]GA en-vironment.In related news, Geico, hav-

ing heard the possibility of a liv-ing Cro-Magnon, has changed itstagline to So easy a dawg coulddo it.

Photo by I.R. Something

U[sic]GA ocials call in professionals to investigate recently dis-

covered cave drawings on academic buildings across campus.

Photo by Michael James / Student Publications

See this? This really happened. No exaggeration, elaboration or explanation needed. Now

that the game is being played on the Jackets home turf, it s the Dawgs chance to not mess up.

FAIR WARNING

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

4/16

We Thunk It Remember, licking doorknobs is illegalon other planets! Spongebob Squarepants

Opinions Editor: Esther Bunni

OUR VIEWS CONSENSUS OPINION

Save real majors from cutsLaw school should be eliminated due to budget constraints

We feel like we need to speak outagainst the injustices of cutting the bud-gets of all schools on campus equally,

when the most of students will be hurtby such allocations. Instead of lettin alldepartments suer in these trying eco-nomic times, we should be brave enoughto simply cut the departments that realdawgs dont need and save the real majorsfrom cuts that we dont like.

Although we see the importance of de-partments such as the law school to the

few students enrolled there, most studentsat U[sic]GA would not feel the loss ofthose majors. By cuttin from their depart-ments, we can ensure that there is enoughmoney to sustain the departments thatare the lifeblood of our university, likefootball.

When faced with a crisis like statewidebudget cuts, everyones gotta wanna makesacrices and agree to scale programs backto the core of what bein a Dawg means.

For the majority of students here, we

can agree that the schools that matter arethose we can actually make a living oof

when we graduate like Crop Sciences andAnimal Husbandry.

No one will miss the law school stu-dents constantly using big words in thedining hall and insisting that animals becontained to one side of campus and notallowed to graze freely. Plus, their soon-to-be empty buildings can be demolishedto have more room for farming land.

If just cuttin the law school does not

free enough money to save other depart-ments from cuts, we then suggest cuttingthe math department. Not failing Ge-ometry would help boost all of our GPAsanyway.

Were hopin that the administrationseriously considers our proposal for thecommon good. By gettin the law school,they maintain the best interests of themajority of students, and besides, hav-ing less lawyers in the world would be anadded bonus.

EDITORIAL CARTOON BY AVA SECTEMY

THINGSYOUTHOUGHT LETTERSTOTHE EDITOR

Bail for underagedrinking arrests cuts

into beer budget

Write to us:

letters@thwuga.net

We welcome your letters inresponse to THWGA contentas well as topics relevant tocampus. We will print letterson a timely and space-avail-able basis.

Letters should not exceed400 words and must not bewritten on any material otherthan paper. Napkins are ac-ceptable, but not preferred.While we appreciate the cre-ativity of play-dough represen-tations, videos of interpretivedances, ect, these mediumsare not easily manipulatedinto print format and will notbe published. Pictures must beoriginals and not taken fromcoloring books.

Letters must be submit-ted by Tuesday in order to beprinted in the following Fri-days issue. Include your fullname, year (1st, 2nd, etc.) andmajor.

e Consensus Opinion reects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of theTHWUGA, but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors.

TechniqueEditorial BoardAnita Drank, Boss LadyBudda Face, Desperate

Bo Rang, Kentucky Fumbler

Lolly Popper, SexpertMiss Guatemala, Race Relations ChairJosh Kidding, Football Is FunCass Tigate, Drunk LifeEsther Bunni, oughts and Stu

Spud Hasselho,Money GetterSans Cannabis, Etch-a-Sketch Draw-erSwan Lake, Prettiness DoerTotalia Feminista,Arrested DevelopmentTa-Bibbity Boppity-Boo, Old News

THWUGA

4Tuesday,

November 24, 2009

ere should be laws

against out

t robbers

Barbie Horton8th-year Fashion History

Jack Daniels1st-year Animal Husbandry

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

5/16

Technique t/PWFNCFSt5WE THUNK IT

According to my friend Mr.Spacey, in 2012 the world willend.

My friend Mr. Sandbergtold me that will happen too,unless my good friend Mrs.Palin runs for president. atis a scary future.

My professor in typin class

told me that the future is tech-nology. at means that tech-nology is scary, and I think weshould stop it.

My professors keep tryin toteach me things about technol-ogy, but I already learned all Ineed to know about technol-ogy from the only good tech-nology, television.

According to that Mr.Baldwin on television, aliensare taking over the internets

with their alien hulu-hoopsand are gonna slurp our brainsout. I need my brains remem-berin thing, not for slurping,so thats not good.

Plus, in that Terminatormovie the internet went up

into the sky and took over theworld and tried to kill us all.

I have seen my friend fromthat smart person school Techon the internet before, and itlooks real boring and nerdy,so I dont understand it, andmy friend Mr. Beck from TVtaught me that stuI dont un-derstand is all evil and bad andnazi-communist, so internet isbad too.

As a side note, could some-one explain to me what a nazi-communist is?

See, the way I see it, its onlya matter of time until technol-ogy gets smarter than us. Igur my smartness is aboutlevel 9, and I saw on TV thatthe new-fangled Windowstechnology was already at level7.ats only 4 more levels

until the Windows is smarterthan me. Why do we evenneed smart windows? My win-dows are not smart, and theyare just ne for looking out ofand stu. Even the windows atthose other smart-folks schoolsseem ne. ey work real well

every time I throw a brick atthem.

I also heard that our schoolhas some technologi-ed ma-

jors, like that engineeringthing that they do at Tech. Ido not think we should dothat, since having engineeringtechnology types around justmeans that there will be peopleto turn into cyborgs when therobots try to take over.

See, if we have people inthe rooms with the computers

when they attack, those people

will all go rst, so we shouldall stay at least two turnipelds away from computers allthe time. Except on game day,then somebody should staynext to the computer to makesure the game clock works.Our idea to let the game clockturn into a cyborg and runitself did not work well last

week, maybe thats why thosedumb kitty-cats beat us dawgs.

Cyborgs are the scariestpart of the future. ey arelike people, but instead of hav-ing skin and eating possumsand tippin cows for fun, they

are covered in computers andeat brains and kill us all forfun.

Between the TV people onthe internet doing the hulu-hoop and eating our brainsand the zombies that wererunning around campus a few

weeks ago, I dont think I canprotect my brain from anymore technologies.

Shoot, I have been so busyprotecting my brain that Ihavent even had time to useit. Fortunately, my friend Mr.

Limbaugh told me I donthave to use my brain. He andMr. Beck will tell me what todo so I dont have to use mybrain to protect it from theevil technologies.ats real good, because I

can listen to them all day longon that news site on the inter-

nets. I guess thats technology,kinda, but if it includes Mr.Becks approval, then I guessits ok.

We should at least controlthat dang technology to onlybe used to hear what we needto do for the day and think

while we protect our brainsfrom slurping and the yingsky internets.

We need to keep control-ling technology, not letting itcontrol us. When clocks dostu like tellin us what timeit is, or radios tell us what dayof the week it is, thats just onemore step towards the end ofthe world.e technologies will get

us, unless we get them rst.ats why we have to keepdoin stu like turnin thegame clock o at the end ofthe game when we are losing.Because remember, if no-onetakes a picture of a technologytelling us we are losing, then

we aint losing.On that note, we should

destroy cameras, since theyare gonna capture your soul,

which is a lot like your brain.Lets all join together andshun those scary technologies.

Technology is just plain evil and dumbPlus, in that Terminator

movie the internet went up

into the sky and took over the

world and tried to kill us all.

Anita DrankBoss Lady

Albert Cohaulicird-year Basket Weaving

Screaming at the footballgames. WHOOO!

Amanda HuginkissFirst-year Bovine Sciences

Like, partying and stu.

Moe LesterSecond-year Forestry

Drink. Or smoke. Or both!

Maya Butreaksird-year Animal Husbandry

Wranglin cows n stu.

What is the best way tospend your weekend?

!"##!"#$%&'()*+$,

UGA is famous for onething, our football program.

We have always been titansof the SEC, athletes so strongthat it didnt matter that wecouldnt spell our own names,a team that was so unied wecould spend thousands of dol-lars on uniforms that changednothing about how well weplayed the game.

But now, our program isin shambles. e Dawgs havebeen bitten hard, and it isthe fault of one man. No, notHead Coach Mark Richt, mayhe be praised.

No, not defensive coordi-nator Willie Martinez, mayhe pay for his sins. e manbehind this evil curse, this un-natural arrangement, is noneother than the orange-shirted

jorts-wearing devil himself,Tim Tebow.

From a young age TimTebow showed an unnaturalpredisposition for cursing thegloried Dawgs. Our angelicblack and red were ying high,proudly bearing the honorof Dawgs before us when theyoung T(evil)bowrst threw afootball, a day in which dawgs

worldwide felt a pang crack-ing right through our favoritebone, but did not know why.

As the years progressed, ourteam soared above all others,until this year. is year, as asenior, Tebows voodoo powerhas come into full force. eevil pacts he made during hisyears helping others andvolunteering seem to have

increased his popularity be-yond bounds.

His need to ma intain mor-als and Christian valuesbae us on the football eld.How can we play football if weobey laws of decency? e only

way to play is to hold, foul, andgrab face-masks for almost100 yards of penalty, like wedid against then Kentuckians,and that didnt even let us win.ats is because of Tim

Tebow. Before he startedplaying with his high-falutinthrowin and complete passes,the only way to play football

was to run at the other guyand try to hurt them withoutthose guys in the striped shirtsthrowing you o the eld forfouls. Whatever. Aint nothingfoul about a good smackdown.ere aint gonna be any

more Saturdays in Athens this

year, and thats a good thing.e humiliation dealt to us atthe hands of that evil, moral-istic, super-successful and be-loved Tim Tebow was just toomuch to handle.

After driving down to Jack-sonville to play them where

they whooped us, we had towatch their team sit at thetop of those fancy footballincharts all year long while ourrighteous Dawgs fell o thelists.

Who cares if our teamquarterback couldnt completea pass playing against a 12-andunder team? Who cares if welost to Kentucky for the rsttime in 32 years at home, whenthey were playing with a fresh-man QB half the time.

Who cares i f the only bowlwe will get to go to is the ToiletBowl. We are the Dawgs, andthe Dawgs are number one. Or

we would be, if it wasnt forthat Tebow.

And now we have to go andplay another top ten team this

week. Now sure, they donthave the evil voodoo powers ofTebow on their side, but they

got some sort of magical op-tion stu that our team justdont understand.

Football isnt about options,its about ghtin, and barkinand goin home and chuggingdown some Keystone Light.ere aint no options in that,

so there shouldnt be no op-tions on the eld.

Alls I know is that wevegot to stop having so manyblasted options to play withand just choose the only onethat is acceptable and that is to

win. It just aint possible withTebow around bringing us alldown.

is Paul Johnson guy theygot thar at Tech sounds likehe might be crazy like Tebow.He not only has options dur-ing the game, but three! atis just plain unacceptable. He

just needs to pick. I know Icant handle three options, andthe rest of our players certainlycant.

So, in response to thisworld-wide anti-Dawgs plaguethat is taking over the greatstate of Georgia, I have a sug-gestion. Lets just do like thescoreboard guy does at theend of the games when we arelosing. Instead of showing upon Saturday, lets just stay athome. Skip the football play-ing and get straight to the dog-gie-stylin, the barkin and theKeystone Light.

at way, Tim Tebowand that new crazy man Paul

Johnson wont have a chanceto work their voodoo magic

on us. We cant lose if we runaway or are too drunk to playand then arent even there.

at way we angelic, pow-erful and majestic Dawgs cankeep our honor, by runninghome with our tails betweenour legs.

Stupid Tebows vodoo makes us badderSkip the football...That way,Tim Tebow and that new crazy

man Paul Johnson wont have a

chance to work their vodoo...

Wes ConsinFootball Commentater

Photos by Sans Cannabis

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

6/16

t/PWFNCFStTechnique WE THUNK IT

Top 10 things I wish I knewbefore coming to U[sic]GASo I love being a Dawg as

much as any other U[sic]GAfan, but sometimes I wishthat they had mentioned allthe bad stuI needed to pre-

pare for before getting here.Heres the 10 things youshould know so you dont getall confused like I did.1. S, E and C are not the

only letters of the alpha-

bet I need to memorize.

It took me half an hourjust to write this one sen-tence. I kept having to lookback at my SparkChartscheat sheet for the other 23letters.2. Beer pong is not a var-

sity sport.I spent four years in high

school perfecting my beerpong skills, expecting to be a

walk-on for the team. Turnsout there aint one. I person-ally think it takes lots of skillto get a small ball in a smallcup while drunk.3. 22 is too old for the

Athens bar scene.I started going to the bars

downtown my freshmanyear, and even then I was oneof the oldest people there.My senior year, I headedout with some friends onlyto discover that drinks werebeing served in baby bottlesand sippy cups. Also, the

my-age-divided-by-two-plus-seven rule didnt reallyapply to half of the chicks atthe bar.

5. Donde esta la bibliote-

ca? actually has answer.

I thought this was justsome funny-sounding phrasethat I learned in my Mexi-can class. I never thoughtthat there actually was one ofthese la biblioteca things.

Actually, we have four oncampus...who knew? I dontreally go in them at all, ex-cept to use the pisser ongameday.6. Big trucks wont t in

regular parking spaces.I was used to driving my

big truck into lots of dier-ent-sized and dierent-col-ored parking spaces at myhigh school. I was shockedto discovered how all theseparking spaces are the same.One size really doesnt t all.7. Co-ed dorm rooms

arent allowed.Dern housing people

wont let me room with anyfemales, even if shes only myhalf-sister. Hows a man sup-posed to be the alpha male if

he has to share a room withanother Dawg?

8. Ries are a rearm, and

therefore arent allowed

on campus.

First o, what kind of col-lege administration wouldtake away our beloved Sec-ond Amendment rights?

What if I needed to shoota squirrel to get some latenight grub? Or what if I

wanted to shoot some skeetbetween classes? is blows.9. The Arch on campus is

not actually McDonalds.With all this talk about

the Arch and its traditionsat U[sic]GA, I was disap-pointed that they werentactually talking about Mc-Donalds, the most luxuriousand gourmet eatery that Iveever been to. Instead I wasserved a super-sized dose oflearnin. Im NOT lovin it.10. You actually need a

drivers license to drive in

Athens.

I always thought that Ath-ens was some magic funzone where you didnt needa license. I looked up to thefootball team and took aftertheir example, which didnt

work out so well after all...

OUR VIEWS HOTORNOT

Beer is yummy

HOT o r NOTHows a man supposed to

be the alpha male if he hasto share a room with another

dawg?

Monty ZoomaOcial CounterTebow sucks

anksgiving turkeys Algebra now required

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

7/16

Drunk LifeOrganization Spotlight: Club Crayola

Club that promotes the practice of coloring

inside the lines as well as safe crayon usage

(e.g. crayon-in-nose prevention methods).

Contact: www.thwuga.net

THWUGA

7Tuesday,

November 24, 2009

By Kandi CottonMonster Truck Acionado

e U[sic]GA Parking De-partment began construction last

week to meet demands for moreavailable space, though not in thetypical way.

Bombarded by a sea of de-mands, Parking has been forcedto begin construction of a newgarage that is equipped to handlethe very large pick-up trucks thatare so common on the Athenscampus.

Bobby Joe, eighth-year poultryengineer and mud-tire acionado,said, Its about time they recog-nized the needs of the studentbody. It was criminal how theyexpected us to get by with trucks

we didnt need a ladder to get into.I just dont feel like a man if mytires arent bigger than whatevercar Im driving next to.

Billy Bob, Joes second cousinand step-brother, agrees. I justcant believe how ill-equipped thecampus is right now. Yesterday, I

just stood by in horror as my littlesister was told she couldnt event her tires in the garage. Howexactly is she supposed to pick upBobby Joe for their date in a carthat small? Bob said.

Very large monster trucks

are common among the campusas many students feel that whom-ever has the largest truck is oftenthe most masculine and truly aU[sic]GA fan. Students can oftenbe seen in the student parking lotsadmiring each other trucks andcomparing the size of their trucks.

e trucks are also very importantto the students because they arebelieved to attract only the truestGeorgia fans as mates.

Parking administrators saythey are concerned they may haveto receive special clearance tobuild the garage.

Johnny John orton, Deanof U[sic]GAs College of Parking,said, As it was, the structure wasalready set to tower over everyother building in Athens. Withthe popularity of this new design-er line of 82 inch tires, though,

were set to break records.While the structure is con-

structed, students whose trucksdont t in current parking garag-es are making do in a pasture justoof campus.is has raised concerns over

the health of the schools cheer-leaders, as the pasture was one oftheir favorite after-practice graz-ing spots.

Jane Joe, cheerleading captainand mother of Bobby Joe, said,Im worried one of my girls mightchoke on a lugnut or worse, take achunk out of a tire while theyreeating. I mean, when youre hun-gry, those things look mightytempting.

At the time of press no un-fortunate incidents had occurred

between the schools cheerleadersand the big trucks parked in theeld.

It is believed that the truckowners are being given specialtreatment by the Parking ocebecause they often heavily con-tribute to the schools revenue by

Parking department erects garage in order to house big trucks

Photo by Alison Wanda Land/ Picture People

The U[sic]GA Parking Department is erecting a much bigger parking garage to allow ample space

for the large quantity of students that drive big monster trucks and park on the Athens campus.

the monster truck rallies that theyput on every year.

For these events Sanford Sta-dium is converted into a large

monster truck rally show. eshow regularly sells out and al-

ways proves to be a favorite for theAthens locals who often donate

their beater cars from their frontyards and to the competition forthe monster trucks to performtheir jumps over during the show.

Enforcement of underage drinking laws causes recessionBy Dina Soars

Professional Beer Taster

Incredibly low test scores andhigh pregnancy rates in the Ath-ens area have left ocials for thecity searching for a solution.

Government ocials identiedunderage drinking as the mainsource of the problem, forcing po-lice to nally take action in fullyenforcing the 21 and over drink-ing age.

Police sprang into action by pa-trolling every liquor store and fra-ternity in town, as well as forcingeveryone over 21 to wear highlymonitored wristbands in orderto regulate drinking in fraternityhouses.

Unfortunately, a crackdownon underage drinking laws hascaused a dramatic downturn in

the local Athens eonomy. Sincethe crackdown, 1,000 jobs havebeen cut, 500 small businesses(mostly liquor stores) have gonebankrupt and homeless rateshave increased tenfold.

We didnt realize how muchunderage drinking was fuelingour economy, said Athens policeocer Ophelia Pain.

It is pressumed that any othertown enforcing underage drink-ing laws would not have had thisdrastic result but, since Athens ismostly a college town, this crack-down started a huge economicspiral downward that can only beattributed to the fact that U[sic]

GA is a huge party school.Economists say the recession

is not even close to being over in

Athens; in fact, it will continueto get worse unless the drinkingage goes back to being mostly un-enforced. e city had remainedmostly unaected by the recenteconomic downturn that hasplagued the rest of the nation upuntil the recent crackdown on thedrinking age in Athens.

Additionally, depression ratesamong almost all of the underagestudents have skyrocketed sincethe crackdown.

We get hundreds of studentsa day, who are feeling incrediblylonely since most of their friends

were only party friends, and nowthat they are forced to be soberthey dont have anything in com-mon anymore, said U[sic]GA

psychiatrist Dr. Puma Pants.Meanwhile, students and citi-

zens of Athens alike have takento the streets protesting this moveby the Athens Police Depart-ment. Signs read from everythingto Give me alcohol or give medeath to Drinking makes ushappy.

e strong public outcry andeconomic downturn has prompt-ed police to reconsider their poli-cies, but so far no changes havebeen made.e city has petitioned the

governor and alumnus, SonnyPurdue, to declare the city in astate of emergency.

Photo by Dick Burns/ Picture People

Hundreds of students protest the local police enforcing the 21 and over drinking age. The city of

Athens is experiencing very dicult economic times because of the lack of beer and liquor sales.

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

8/16

is space provided as a pu

Towi

Geo

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

9/16

c service by the Technique.

ellthgia!

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

10/16

t/PWFNCFStTechnique DRUNK LIFE

By Anita HugOral Reporter

is fall the English and Jour-nalism departments at t he Univer-sity [sic] of Georgia have noticedan alarming trendstudents andfans of the school seem to be re-gressing in what is historically oneof their highest nationally rank-ing majors: remedial spelling ofanimal names. e most recentspelling embarrassment for thestudent body came in a Facebookevent page promoting fan atten-dance for U[sic]GAs game againstthe University of South CarolinaGamecocks. e tagline read,Come watch our Dawgs beat theCawcks.

Even Philadelphia Eagles back-up quarterback and UGA fan,Michael Vick found the taglinespelling troubling.

ey really need to get theirspelling together, said Vick,

Other than that, I dont really seeany problem with it. It actuallysounded pretty good to me.

While it has long been a U[sic]GA tradition to struggle in aca-demic elds, a recent study showsthat U[sic]GA is seeing more andmore students who truly believe

the word dog is spelled d-a-w-g.

But the truly concerningproblem is that students and fansalike are starting to apply thesame incorrect spelling to othereveryday animals, said ProfessorDrew Peacock, who was in chargeof study. Peacock has found itparticularly frustrating that anincreasing number of his own stu-dents have begun misspelling hisown name on papers and tests.

On a number of occasionsthis semester Ive had to reiterateto my class. My name is ProfessorDREW PEACOCK, not DREWPEACAWCK, Peacock said.

According to the study, rough-ly 72% of incoming freshman stu-dents are having trouble spellingelementary animal names. atsame statistic rises to 87% forgraduating seniors.

Another English Professor,Mike Hawk, who teaches intro-

ductory animal spellings, has ex-perienced similar problems in hisclassroom as of late.

e name Mike Hawk is atricky one. Is it spelled H-O-Kor H-A-W-K? said Hugh Jass, arst-year Animal Spelling major.

U[sic]GA has been taking

some proactive steps in the mat-ter. Along with providing animalsound wheels (the kind that playcorrect sounds and spellings ofanimals) to students, the admin-istration has taken steps to work

with the faculty to help correct

By Ima JacketMonkey Wrestler

Ian Azoo, third-year AnimalRelations, is nally home safelyafter a two-week long manhunt

was brought to a close followinghis surprising discovery in the ba-boon pit of the Metropolitan At-

lanta Zoo.Zoo ocials rst sighted thenaked man at 4 p.m. Friday,about three hours after his fam-ily reported him missing. Azooscommunication with other pri-mates through grunts, barks, andyells led keepers to label the hairyCaucasian man as a rare albinopygmy monkey and he was kept atthe zoo for two weeks before anysuspiscion was raised.

During his two week stay,Azoo delighted and shocked visi-tors with his antics, which rangedfrom his frequent attempts to uri-nate on zoo sta, to his penchant

for knocking zoo patrons uncon-scious with coconuts.

I remember one time hegrabbed this little girls head andate her glasses, handler JerryChurch fondly recalls. And thenhe ate her gameboy too. ats

when I knew he was special.Fellow keeper Joey Truth add-

ed

is one time he escaped andfound the bottle of gin I hid in theback of my oce. We later foundhim attempting to mate with our

African Rhino, Becky. We actual-ly thought we were viewing someincredible zoology research by see-ing a monkey attempting to mate

with a rhino, I guess it turns outhe was just really drunk. What ariot.

Azoo is reportedly doing welland is back home, but he is insis-tent that he live outside. e Uni-versity of Georgia has awarded

Azoo an honorary bachelors ofscience in Animal Relations.

By Thomas TankSexpert

e University Health Centerat U[sic]GA will now receive a

weekly order of 50,000 speciallydesigned and reinforced condomsto prevent the alumni and studentbody from reproducing.e announcement is due to a

recent joint proposition by Geor-gias Department of CommunityHealth, Education, Community

Aairs and Public Safety. eHealth Center is under state or-ders to completely distribute allcondoms by the weeks end andbefore new order arrives.

at means that all 50,000special condoms must be distrib-uted to the student body veryquickly.is maneuver is mainly due

to a recent discovery by a groupof Tech graduate students whoundisputedly drew a direct re-lationship between U[sic]GAs

numerous acts of unprotectedfornication and the decrease inthe states rate of employment, at-tendance of higher education andpublic safety in the past decade.

However, the research founda postive correlation to the ris-ing birth rate of bulldog babiesand the rise in smog (presumablydue to the increase in big trucks),

water pollution (presumably fromthe rise in chicken farms) and

junkyards. e results were pre-sented to the State Departmentslisted above and direct measure

where put into action right away.Athens revenues for the state

from its Universitys college tu-

ition are too great for us to simplyshut down the school all togeth-er, said Willie Stroker, a repre-sentative from the Department ofCommunity Aairs.

We collectively believe thatthis is the best course of actionto prevent further reproduction,

which is the root of our problems,

while obtaining our ultimategoals. Itll be a slow and painfulprocess but we believe it is for thebetterment of the state in the longrun, Stroker said.

Because of this rather drasticmeasure, U[sic]GA will undergoa series of alterations both on itscampus and in its sta composi-tion in the upcoming semester.

A specia l sub-branch will nowbe introduced to the Univer-sity Health Center, named Dawg

Wrappers, solely for the purposeof distributing the week ly order ofcondoms to specic locations oncampus. Fraternities and sorori-ties are the primary targets for the

condom allocation, with certaindorms also added to the list.Because of the large number

of condoms that will have to dis-posed of weekly, a new system hadto be devised to make sure the de-vices were properly disposed of.

As a result, Sanford Stadiumwill be remodeled into a high-tech

State mandates special condom use to prevent reproducing

Animal spelling problems causes embarrassment to students

advanced structure dedicated todisposing these condoms. U[sic]GAs students will bring their usedcondoms in at the end of the weekso the condom disposing com-mitte can bury them deeplyunder the campus groundsusing its high- tech con-dom burying tech-nology.

Not onlydid wea v o i dh a v -i n gt or e -move the

school al-together but,the proposedplan even allowsfor more employ-ment opportunities asboth the Dawg Wrap-pers and the newly remod-eled Sanford Stadium require

more personnel to attend andconstruct, respectively, said TomKatt, another representative fromthe Department of Community

Aairs.Its really a win-win situa-

tion, Katt said.Due to the large quan-

tities of condoms neededand the limited re-

source of materials,the specially rein-

forced condomswill have to

be modi-ed froma l r e a d y e x i s t ing

c o n d o m saround theState. It was unani-

mously decided by theDepartment of Health

that these shortages wouldbe elded by shipments from less

dangerous target groups, like pris-ons.

Student, confused with monkey, returned home

Photo by Anita Johnson/ Picture People

Ian Azoo has been returned to his home after he was mistaken for a rare albino pygmy monkey in

the Atlanta Zoo. Azoo stayed in a cage with the baboons for two weeks until he was spotted.

this problem.Ive been putting a lot of pres-

sure on Professor Hawk lately.Hopefully weve already hit theclimax of the problem and all ofour hard work and eort will payo, said English Department

Chair Payne N. Diaz.If the problem is not correct-

ed within the next year they areconsidering getting rid of readingaltogether becuase it is becomingso much of a hassle to teach thestudents to spell.

Photo by Hung Wang/ Picture People

The English and Journalism departments at U[sic]GA are experiencing a dicult time training their

students to correctly spell many animal names. The word dawg from dog is especially a problem

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

11/16

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

12/16

t/PWFNCFStTechnique ENTERTAINMENT

Attn: Student Organizations

This space could be

your ad for only

$36nique.net/ads

THWUGAMES

One of thesepictures is a square

and one is not.Which one is the

square?

A

B

Part of this drawing hasbeen cleverly left out. Can

you guess the animal inthe incomplete picture?

Tic Tac ToeChallenge

X X

XX

O

O

O

O

You are X. Can younish thepuzzle to win?

1

1 2

1

212

Fill in the grid sothat every row andcolumn contains the

digits 1 through 2.

2SUDOKU

Advanced Puzzle

Cut out the pieces andsee if you can gure outhow to put it together.

Good Luck!

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

13/16

Technique t/PWFNCFSt13ENTERTAINMENT

Rock of Love.Filming the shows has been

somewhat of a challenge for theupcoming season because some ofour contestants on the two showsoverlap.ere are a few girls whoare actually on both Rock of Loveand Tool Academyas a girlfriend,so weve had to be careful not toschedule lming for the shows onthe same day, said Bob Rayburn,

Executive Producer of Rock ofLove: Trailer Trash.

We were surprised at the highcaliber of contestants we found inthe football players. We told themthat they are going to be on ashow calledAmericas Best FootballTeam.e funny thing is, they ac-tually fell for it. And for some rea-son after we broke the news thatthe show is actuallyTool Academy

3, they still seem to think theyrehere because theyre the best foot-ball team, Cruz said.

Tool from page 11

Statistics compiled by theNCA showed that during a typi-cal comedy performance at U[sic]GA, there is on average ave min-ute silence following each punch-line before laughter commences.

e audience really makes theperformance. When the audienceis really thick-headed, the perfor-mance just becomes a set of awk-

ward si lences. I dont know if its

due to alcohol killing their braincells, but obviously U[sic]GA stu-dents dont have enough to under-stand a simple joke, Cook said.

Members of the programmingboard have still expressed theirconfusion regarding the entiresituation.

We still dont get it. Maybeif someone could explain this tous again in simple words, then

we could understand, said JessDumbo, president of the pro-gramming board.

We were shown a clip of therst episode when the team wastold that the show is actuallyTool

Academy. Since the football teamis dating the cheerleading squad,they thought that the arrival oftheir girlfriends was all part of theshowAmericas Best Football Team.Tune in to these exciting new sea-sons to nd out if the footballteam ever gures out what showthey are lming and which oneof the Tri-Chis ends up with BretMichaels.

Comedy from page 11

By Ivanna TinkleHead of Bathroom Duty

is years U[sic]GAs Aestheti-cally Based Scholarship Competi-tion was rocked with controversy

when the judges didnt realize thatthe wrong girl had been awardedthe crown.

e room was lled with mir-rors, and I thought I was receiv-ing the crown, sash and bouquet,said Anita Knapp, a third-yearCosmetology Engineering majorand the true winner of the com-petition.

When I realized there wasno crown on my head, I lookedacross the stage and saw a girl wholooked just like me wearing mytitle.

e judges claim that they kepttrack of the 50 girls in the pageantbased on whose hair was up and

whose hair was down.All the contestants wore their

hair down during the swimsuitportion of the competition so welost track of who was who, saidDusty Rhodes, a graduate Female

Anatomy major and one of thejudges of the competition.

e Student Government As-sociation (SGA) led an investiga-tion on the physical homogeneity

of the U[sic]GAs female popula-tion following this controversy.

We tried to interview wom-en around campus about theirthoughts of this homogeneity,said SGAs VP of Smartness StuPidcow. However, we lost trackof how many girls wed inter-viewed and later realized that wehad been interviewing the samegirl all day.

While scientic studies statethat occasionally physically iden-tical appearance will occur in theform of identical twins, 94% ofU[sic]GAs female population isbetween 54 and 57, has blondehair, blue eyes and at least oneform of plastic surgery.

Several weeks after the pageantcontroversy, SGA discovered an

underground network of makeupartists and plastic surgeons thattrain the U[sic]GA female popula-tion several weeks before the be-ginning of school.is underground network was

initially installed to prepare wom-en going through formal recruit-ment. However, business con-tinued when U[sic]GAs femalesdiscovered how easy it became tosteal each others boyfriends whenthey all practiced the same two-hour hair and make-up ritual.

Wrong scholarship

winner given crown

By Angie OPlastyMedical Expert

As a proud conservative andadamant supporter of John Mc-Cain and Sarah Palin duringthe 2008 presidential elections, Imust say that I am thoroughly dis-appointed with Palins new book,Going Rogue.

e autobiography, with all itshype, fell short of my expectationsand the expectations of thousandsof students who were looking for-

ward to a fun and exciting readabout an exciting woman.

I showed up to Barnes and No-ble for the midnight release partyand participated in Palin trivia

and faming games for six hoursuntil I could get my book. Dur-ing trivia, I was able to correctlyanswer that Levi Johnston, Palinsgranddaughter-daddy who posednude in Playgirl a few days ago,actually has an eight-pack insteadof a six-pack.

I won a free copy of the bookfor knowledge on Palin familydrama.

Once the book was in myhand, I quickly ipped throughthe pages and was dismayed to

nd a lack of colored pictures. Myeyes were greeted by pages andpages of text, and I could feel myeyes beginning to water and burn.

I began to feel dizzy andslammed the book shut when I

was reminded by a fellow U[sic]GA student that reading cancause brain cancer.

Nevertheless, I decided to riskcancer and read the book. Onceagain, I was disappointed. Fromthe title, Going Rogue, I was ledto believe that a certain X-Mencharacter would grace the plot ofPalins life. Rogue, however, wasconspicuously absent from all 400pages.

To all those think ing of buyingthis book, save yourself from thebrain cancer you might get. Itsnot worth it. I give this book twopaws down.

PalinsRogue too long, wordy

PEOPLE CAN READ?

Going Rogue

WRITER: Sarah Palin

PUBLISHER: HarperCollins

GENRE: Autobiography

PAGE COUNT: 432

RELEASED: Nov. 24, 2009OUR TAKE:!!!!!

Photo illustration by Richard Long/ Picture People

Photo illustration by Booty Dew/ Picture People

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

14/16

t/PWFNCFStTechnique SPORTS

Cox confused byname-based humor

By Mike SweeneyComes through in the clutch

U[sic]GA fth-year seniorquarterback Joe Cox doesnt un-derstand why people think his

name is so funny, people close tothe football player said.He just doesnt get it when

we try to explain it to him, sa idCoxs roommate and close friend,

Jack Ho. e joke is completelyover his head.

According to several of Coxsfriends and acquaintances, thequarterback doesnt understand

why people laugh at his name.When people bring it up, it

really seems to get him throbbingmad, another source said. Andthere is nothing worse than a red,angry, Cox waving around in yourface, ready to blow.

Flint McGee, a third-year TurfManagement student, tried help-ing Cox make the connection to

New ticketing policy empties stands

1IPUPCZ+BNJF)PXFMM Student Publications

This Kennesaw State student, who was already confused about his per-

sonal identity, cannot attend Georgia games under the new ticket policy.

www.nique.net

to the guys studying awesome hard calculus and discussing howthey keep their roommate out of their room during sex by writ-ing predicted end time on the door: NO ONE CARES. YOU

ARE NO PIMP!4th Floor 8th St E. I am going to come over there and shove yourlaser pointer up your @$$professors dont give a damn about dead weekIve seen this girl all over campus at random places, and I want toknow her, she is gorgeous!I dont even know your name...

not all red heads at tech are ugly... open your eyes.girl who asks stupid questions in social psych: i hate you.To guy in red car: Sorry I pulled out in front of you on my bike.I may have still been drunk from the night before and I may havebeen late for a test.THWG!!!!Getting stoned means two completely dierent things dependingon what time period youre from.

Without me, everything is just aweso.I dread locks.GT Parking is an absolute joke. Im now paying to park at a meter

AND paying a ticket because you arent competent enough tomaintain your equipment. I now want to be a d-bag Alum just so

Why should the Board of Regents care about increasing studentfees? Bartering was still the major method of monitary transfer

when they were students...Technique, you can do better than using failing logic and incor-rect facts to insu lt SGA. Yes, there may be problems, but there aremuch worse culprits of incompetence try housing or parking

orNY Times Article Georgia Techs Bedford Makes Time forSpread Option and DAlemberts Paradox THE TECHNIQUE IS TECHNOLOGIC- J-LAWTECH NEEDS CAMERAS!!!

we gotta sta rt mak ing classe s easier or no one w ill want to comehere

By Uga LeeTransfer student

Georgia fan attendance plum-meted at last weekends footballgame against Kentucky after aticketing snafu only allowed actu-al U[sic]GA students and alumnito attend the game.

It is believed that the U[sic]

GA athletic department was up-set that, as a result of Georgiaspoor performance on the eld thisseason, thousands of seats wentunsold to U[sic]GA fans for the

Auburn game the week before andwere subsequently purchased byAuburn fans.

e departments ticket master,Cletus Hicks, believed it would bebetter to allocate the tickets forthe Kentucky game to the peoplethat they knew would be realGeorgia fans.

Hicks instituted a new systemrestricting entry to only students

with valid U[sic]GA ID cards oralumni with valid Charmin-baseddiplomas. In the process, he for-got that the majority of game-day

seats are lled by people who nev-er attended the university[sic].

I guess I just got so upsetabout all them darn Tiger fans be-ing around here and I thought tomyself, Cletus, why dont you justgive the tickets to you know who

will be rea l Dawg fans? I gues s Iforgot that most of our fans didntactually graduate, Hicks said.e stands in the designated

Georgia areas were near emptywith the exception of the stu-dent section. However, many inthe student section could not becounted as present because they

were not considered conscious.Despite the lack of tickets to

the game, thousands of U[sic]GA

fans from other schools still cameand tailgated for their usual day-long menagerie of mullet contests,bobbing for pig feet and mother-daughter Jell-O wrestling.

I was really upset when Ilearned I couldnt get into thegame, said Billy Bob Busch, aKennesaw State University stu-dent. I was basically forced totailgate here for about eight hours.

Well, on second thought I guessthats about the same as what I doalready every game day.

After learning about the ticket-ing problem, the football programdecided to oer complimentarytickets to the snubbed fans for theToilet Bowl.

is event has taught us theimportance of our trusted fair-

weather fans, Hicks sa id.As a result of the ticketing

problem the city of Athens expe-rienced a drastic decrease in rev-enue because of the lack of beersales in the area.

Beer sales, especially Keystone

Light sales, support the majorityof the citys functions. e lack inrevenue means that the city maynot be able to put on as many trac-tor pull events this year.

no avail. I saw the look in his eyesand I realized it was just beyondhim. ere was just no way it wasgoing to happen, McGee said.e incidents have served as a

rm, pulsing reminder of the dan-

gers of humor around the func-tionally illiterate.Its gotten to the point now

where we wont talk about it, oneteammate said. If anyone bringsit to attention, we have to deal

with [Joe] Cox getting in our face.I dont know what the team willdo if Cox explodes on us one moretime.

Another teammate added:e sooner we move on, thesooner we can get this behind usand go back to playing footba ll, orat least tryin.

Phone calls and e-mails to Coxwere not returned, but friendsworry that his recent struggle sagainst mediocre competition willresult in even more jokes.

1IPUPCZ)BSEFO5IJDLF Picture People

One of Joe Coxs few remaining fans shows support for the quarterback.

Cox himself was oblivious to the double-edged nature of the comment.

sliver

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

15/16

Technique t/PWFNCFSt15SPORTS

tween the turf and real grass.Its such a problem just start-

ing that now we have to ociallyblock o all entrances of the sta-dium, Wieser said.

Its a good thing were notplaying any more games for therest of the year, because that eldhas some intense damage on it. It

Grazing GSPNQBHF

Tackling dummy drill leads to brawl, shuts down practiceBy Chuck Myseck

Dummy-in-chief

U[sic]GA football head coachMark Richt and defensive coordi-nator Willie Martinez had to stopfootball practice last week afterseveral dozen defensive players

were injured in a common tack-ling dummy drill.

e incident occurred afterMartinez had the rst- and sec-ond-string defensive units line upin front of the dummies.

I just told them to tackle thedummies. Nothing really out ofthe ordinary, Martinez said.

When the drill began, all ofthe defensive players on the eldsimultaneously started tacklingeach other. Some also ran acrossthe eld and tried to bring downrunning backs conducting a sepa-rate oensive drill.

We run this drill to help themsimulate a game. As soon as I blewmy whistle, they lunged towardseach other, Martinez said.

Many of the U[sic]GA playersexplained that they were confused

by the instructions.

Everyone in the media kepttalking about how tackle dum-mies would have done a better jobthan we have, so I got scared atfacing the real talent. We have to

work our way to that level, saidjunior nose tackle Imma Eatu.

Martinez watched from the topof the sled as they each fruitlesslyattempted to wrestle each other to

the ground.It was like watching animalsght in the wild. ey ram eachother a lot but nothing really hap-pens, Martinez said.

Martinez and Richt attemptedto rectify the situation the nextday by placing signs labeled HITME on the dummies.

Unfortunately, the signs causedeven more confusion when theplayers just stared while trying toread the characters on the papers.

Martinez told the players tosound it out and take it one let-ter at a time, with little success.e next day Richt replaced

the original signs with pictures oftheir cousins. e players startedtackling and lunging toward the

dummies immediately.

1IPUPCZ%PO,FZPicture People

Georgia defensive players cause chaos at a practice after misinterpreting the term tackling dummy. The

teams well-publicized inability to tac kle properly led the team to believe Willie Martinez was moc king them.

wont be easy to repai r.ere have been eorts to calm

disgruntled fans and alumni whoare wary of the break from tradi-tion in replacing the grass. Manyconsider changing the surface tobe sacrilege.

e new turf will be paintedblack. ere will also be free eyeprotection kits handed out duringgames and when we play Florida

again in Jacksonville. We will alsobe placing pots of chocolate goldaround Sanford Stadium. Hope-fully, the shiny and edible trinkets

will be able to dist ract t hem longenough until the season is over,

Wieser said.Ocials are having a dicult

time nding those responsible forthe eld damage. Weve triedreprimanding the cheerleaders

responsible for the acts, but theproblem is that we cant seem totell any of them apart, said ImaDoubledee, cheerleading coachand director. Itll take at least twoyears before were able to separate

who from who and gure out whothe real culprits are.

While the eld is being re-placed, the doors leading to theeld will still be chained and

locked starting Wednesday.A decision on what to do w ith

the stadiums famous hedges hasnot yet been issued.

Athletic department ocialshave expressed interest in replac-ing the hedges with articial repli-cas, concerned that the cheerlead-ers would simply begin munchingon the hedges after the Astroturfis installed.

7/29/2019 Volume 95, Issue 18

16/16

TailgatinTQPSUT!OJRVFOFU

Sports Editor:#VMMEPH3JDL

THWUGA

5VFTEBZ

/PWFNCFS

U[sic]GA accepts bid to inaugural Toilet BowlBy Paige Turner

The most interesting journalist[sic] in the world

After their home loss to Kentucky on Saturdaynight, the U[sic]GA football team has accepted a bidto play in the inaugural Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl.e game will be played on Dec. 28, and U[sic]

GAs opponent has yet to be determined.is is a great opportunity for Georgia football

to represent the SEC...Our season has gone down thedrain, but we can at least look forward to the ToiletBowl, U[sic]GA Head Coach Mark Richt said.

Even though the Bulldogs opponent has not yetbeen determined at this point, Vegas already has list-ed U[sic]GA as 23-point underdogs.e game will basically be a home game for the

Bulldogs because the contest will be held in SanfordStadium. Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evanssaid this was a big selling point for the Bulldogs.

Getting a bid for a home bowl game was denite-ly a load omy shoulders, Evans said.

Just as the Orange Bowl is a symbol of the gameslocation of Miami, Fla., the Toilet Bowl signies the

widespread belief that Athens, Ga. is the worlds crap-piest city.e Toilet Bowl will be the last chance for U[sic]

GA fans to see their hero, senior quarterback Joe Cox,take his last colligate snap.

Im just so ready to get this season over with, Coxsaid.

Ive already got a job lined up after college at theArbys Law Firm, Cox continued. When told thatArbys is a fast food restaurant and not a lawrm,Cox simply replied, No comment.

Evans hopes the revenue from this game can covera multitude of the football teams costs.

First and foremost, the prot from this game willgo to the rising costs of Richts vanity requirements.Richt has a clause in his contract that forces UGA topay for his weekly spray-on tan. Also, the hardships

that Richt has faced this season have caused his hairto start falling out, so he has chosen to get hair plugsinstead of showing his age.

Second, a portion of the remaining prots from thegame will pay for U-Haul moving trucks. Instead ofring Assistant Coaches Mike Bobo and Willie Mar-tinez face-to-face, Richt has decided to rent U-Haultrucks and leave them outside the coaches homes.

Richt hopes that Martinez and Bobo will be sohappy to drive the moving trucks that they will notbe sad about beingred and having to move.ird, whatever money is left over from the previ-

ous costs will go to UGA students and alumni. Evansis implementing a system that actually pays people toattend UGA basketball games.

Sanford Stadium adopts Astroturfeld to prevent grazing

1IPUPCZ5FTT4UFDLMFPicture People

In light of this seasons struggles, Georgia decided to cut its losses and accept an

early bid to the Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl. Their opponent remains to be determined.

1IPUPCZ5JTI)VHIFT Picture People

Bored cheerleaders chew on bits of the grass of the Sanford Stadium eld In re

By Beau VineNot eating more chicken

Starting Wednesday, theU[sic]GA Athletic Association(AA) will be closing SanfordStadium in order to replace thegrass on the eld with turf.

According to Facilities Di-rector Bud Wiser, the movecomes after Mondays post-game facilities reviews showeddamage beyond repair on theeld.

A further look into thecause of the damage revealedalso that the damage was notinduced by natural causesfrom football games; rather,

it was due to the problem ofovergrazing by the U[sic]GAcheerleading squad.

Weve been having dif-culties with our cheerleadersgetting hungry at halftime.ey have to cheer so dawg-

base. Imagine trying to raiseenthusiasm for our footballteam. Good grief, its probablyharder than nding a fairly of-ciated game in the SEC, saidMichael Hunt, an athletic de-partment ocial.

Weve tried discouragingthis behavior but apparentlythey saw someone from eHills doing it so now they

wont listen to what anyonesays, Hunt said.

In response to the cases ofgrazing, the U[sic]GA SpiritTeam is investigating intovarious reasons as to why thecheerleaders have begun tograze the eld. Some Spirit

Team coordinators believe thatthe grazing is due to depres-sion-induced eating followingU[sic]GAs lackluster footballseason.

Its just been so hard, andwe get so hungry out on the

watch it happen. I just wantto nd the nearest thing I caneat and grass happens to be it!said Candi Dooit, captain ofthe cheerleading squad.

I dont blame the girls fordoing it! I blame it on myself!Its just so hard to keep a strongface when all you want to dois stu grass in your mouth,said trainer Bo Tocks.

Wieser believes that oncethe grass is replaced and theturf is put in, the cases of graz-ing cheerleaders should de-crease. However as of Monday

when facilities workers beganplacing turf on the sidelines,some workers had to shoo

away cheerleaders who weregnawing unknowingly at thenewly placed turf.

According to witnesses onhand, the cheerleaders couldbarely tell the dierence be-

bythenumbers

5Number of games the football

team has lost this season. U[sic]GAhas lost to Oklahoma State, LSU,Tennessee, Florida and Kentucky.

94e number of penalties commit-

ted by the Bulldogs this season, put-ting them at No. 4 in the nation.

26Number of turnovers lost by the

Bulldogs this season, which has themtied for No. 11 in the nation.

50Jersey number of Kentucky line-

backer Sam Maxwell, who made thegame-winning interception on Sat-urday.

2.5Projected Nielsen rating for the

telecast of this seasons Roto RooterToilet Bowl on Dec. 28, approxi-mately the same as the ratings tradi-tionally received by programs such asNickelodeonsSpongebob Squarepants