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This is Volume 11, Issue 3 of the Ramdiculous Page, a humor paper at Angelo State University.
Citation preview
Vol. 11, Issue 3
November 18, 2011
(Push-Button Phone Day)
Angelo State’s Finest Paper Since Fall 2006
Also on Twitter, @ramdiculous
2
Quote of the
Week
Vol. 11, Issue 3
Ceci n'est pas une pipe.
R A M D I C U L O U S P A G E P O L I C Y Published every other Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University System or this newspaper. We welcome all letters, tweets, and other such nonsense. Please include your name, position, and an email address. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned, EVER. Submit your letters, articles, and/or favorite escargot via our email, [email protected], or our website, www.ramdiculous.com. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration or the Ramdiculous Page. By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook and/or MySpace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable, unless expressed in writing. If you are an professor you need not worry, we will not use your profiles. Allons-y, Alonso!
Editeur Haut
Bryce J. Parsons
La Reine du monde
Christine Boswell
Artistes et écrivains
The Usual Ramdiculists & Goons
Allons enfants de la Patrie
Le jour de gloire est arrive!
“Make
love, not
war.”
-National
motto of
France,
maybe
Leditors to the Editor
Dear Ramdiculous,
I think my boyfriend is sleep-
ing with my best friend. What
should I do?
-Scorned in San Angelo
Scorned—You should have nothing to worry about. If they’re sleeping, then they’re probably too tired for sex with each other. –Top Ed.
*****
Dear Ramdiculous,
What’s the capital of Bolivia?
-Leeroy Donovan
Leeroy—La Paz is the admin-istrative capital, and Sucre is the judicial seat. I can see how you might get confused. –Top Ed.
*****
Dear Ramdiculous,
Your newspaper is nothing
but pure drivel. I take offense
to the article in your second
issue this semester, in which
you claim that October 34 is a
real day. IT ISN’T, LOSERS!
-Bella Button
Bella—October 34 is actu-ally a real day. It just doesn’t exist on our plane of exist-ence. Also, we’re all making up crap half the time with this paper, so I dunno why you chose to gripe about THAT. –Top Ed.
*****
Dear Ramdiculous,
Yesterday morning, I saw
some guy walking around in
sweatpants and a Ramdicu-
lous hoodie. Is he a serial
killer?
-Joanna Turkeybaster
Joanna—That was actual-ly me walking over to the CHP to pump iron like a boss. As far as I know, I have not killed anyone, but I once put someone into a coma because I was too bor-ing. Happy trails. –Top Ed.
*****
Dear Ramdiculous,
I have always wanted to
learn how to solder elec-
tronic components, and I
just got a soldering iron for my
birthday. What kind of solder
should I buy?
-Geek in Texan Hall
Geek—I personally prefer to use lead-free solder, but any solder that is 60% tin and 40% lead is all right. Be sure the solder has a flux core, and re-member: ALWAYS WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER HAN-DLING SOLDER. You don’t want to get lead poisoning; it goes straight to your brain, and that might suck in the long term. –Top Ed.
*****
Dear Ramdiculous,
Why?
-Philosopher in Centennial
Phil—Because. –Top Ed.
*****
Have a letter for our editor? Send an email to his inbox at [email protected], or message him through our Fa-cebook page. Please write some letters, already!
3
the incredible question
Honorary Ram of the Week: Gustave “G-Thang” Eiffel So this is the dude who designed the Eiffel Tower. Obviously. We made Gustave honorary Ram of the Week because what’s more
stereotypically French than the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France? Seriously, any movie that is set in Paris has to feature a shot of the Eiffel tower for some reason. I guess because moviegoers are morons.
But ahem. We’re getting off topic. Seriously, Eiffel was a pretty cool fellow. Besides his infamous tower
(which Parisians hated back in the day), Eiffel was also responsible for the armature of the Statue of Liberty in New York City. And THAT thing has been a symbol of the Big Apple since FOREVER!
Way to go, Gustave, for helping make two iconic images of two differ-ent cities on our humble planet. You deserve to be Ram of the Week.
Gustave was also lead singer in the group Eiffel 65, responsible for the song “Blue (Da Ba Dee).” Ha ha! I’m blue, da-ba-dee, da-ba-die...
Nov. 19: Guys’ Night In
A Bronx Tale Glory The Rainmaker Tears of the Sun Boyz N The Hood Rob Roy
Dec. 3: The Mission: Impossible Marathon
Mission: Impossible Part I Mission: Impossible Part II Mission: Impossible Part III
Upcoming Movies Schedule
All movies start at 7p.m. in the Texan Hall Community Room,
unless otherwise stated. Be sure to look for us on Facebook!
4
Bladder grief By Mademoiselle C. Boz
Az I zit in my class
Upon my…..(well you know)
I’m zuddenly in need
Of a place to go Oui Oui
Ze professor iz not nice
And zays we cannot leave
Not for anything at all
Not even to do Oui Oui
Zo I zit and I zquirm
Wriggle ‘round like a worm
Watch the minutez tick past
on ze clock
I’m about to walk
Out of zis room
Even if it’z to my immortal
doom
Finally ze class iz done
My bladder haz not won
Zo I dash to 'les toilettes'
And feel zo much better!
Poetry Time.
Write or draw for us!
Contact us at:
(P.S. For every article you
write that gets published,
you get a $5 gift card.
Who says no to money?)
Who’s This? Send us your
answer! Facebook.com/
ramdiculous Last answer: K-9 from Doctor Who
(Nobody got it. Go figure.)
France: The video game!
Difficulty: 223 (Extreme)
RAMDICULOUS
SUDOKU Difficulty: 3 (Normal)
By Osztopán Schwartz
If you're tired of all of
the same old war-themed
video games coming out
these days, then do I have
a treat for you!
This new game straight
from the development
studios of Condom,
France (it's a real town, I
swear) takes an interest-
ing new twist on our in-
teractive media that is so
important to getting our
homework sufficiently
procrastinated.
Before the game starts,
you get to customize your
character's look. You can
choose between many
d i f ferent patterned
scarves, berets, and hori-
zontally-striped long-
sleeved shirts. You even
get to draw your own
fake mustache!
The game then begins
with a cut scene of your
character, who is talking
about how inferior Ameri-
cans are while painting a
piece of abstract art that
probably represents his
unique snowflake of a per-
sonality.
There actually isn't any
plot or story in this game,
and you can't leave the art
studio. However, you can
make your character con-
sume long loafs of very
hard bread and drink ex-
pensive red wine. If you do
this enough, there's even a
bonus level where you get
to eat cheese!
Overall, this game is very
well done and “associated
critics” have given it a 9 out
of 10.
Osztopán Schwartz is the Ramdiculous Page’s Video Games Editor. Why is that? He asked nicely and we happily said yes.
5
ADVERTISE WITH US. If you would like your ad to appear in the
Ramdiculous Page, please contact us at [email protected]
Advertising Guidelines
1. Deadline for ads to be submitted is 1:00pm the Tuesday be-
fore publication.
2. Ads will be received only if they are complete. The Ramdicu-
lous Page will not create any ads.
3. Ad size will not exceed one-quarter of a page.
4. Organizations/events may have more than one ad, but no
organization/event will be allowed more than one-quarter of
a page in ad space.
The Ramdiculous Page will not advertise for any off-campus event
except in certain circumstances,* or anything of questionable
nature. This includes but is not limited to:
Alcohol
drugs
tobacco
illegal activities
*Exceptions to this rule will be determined by the staff of the
Ramdiculous Page
Top Ten Things that are “French”
10.) French fries
9.) French Lick, Indiana
8.) Mr. French (The butler
from Family Affair)
7.) French’s Mustard
6.) French Catheter Scale
5.) French bread
4.) French toast
3.) French Defence
(1. e4 e6)
2.) French horns
1.) French kissing ;)
By Robert Thompson
My name is Robert Thomp-
son and I am president of the
French Club.
I am also one of the most
fervent Francophobes you will
ever meet.
Conflict of interests? Maybe,
but at least I have good reasons,
unlike the rest of you.
Seriously, how many of you
think that the French would
surrender to a thunderstorm if
they ever pulled themselves out
of their wine bottles long enough
to notice it was raining? Open a
book, people: the French have a
lot to be proud of on that front:
390 BC. The Senones sack
Rome.
52 BC. The Arverni defeat
Julius Caesar at the Battle
of Gergovia. Yeah, that
Caesar.
732 AD. The Franks defeat
a Muslim army at Tours Laconic Trope of the Day
Everything Sounds Sexier In French
TV Tropes will ruin your life. Read them at tvtropes.org.
“How a foreign language sounds
with a specific feel, like how
French is seductive.”
By Edwin A. Abbott
(NOTE: This article is writ-ten entirely using autocorrect and a small amount of liquid courage.)
Do we ever want to go do far
as more in life look like to do?
I remember where I would
youth, I always dreamed of
beng the beach in cold beets
Butter asphalt weird always
knowledge, things donut alt-
hou gone aspartamez planet
I justified finnish myself
seconds weak of world
I hose youth have always
benefit verily successful
Love, Edwin
(P.S. I miss writing for this
paper.)
Pardon my French
and literally save Western
civilization.
1066 AD. The Normans
under William the Con-
queror conquer England.
1429 AD. Joan of Arc de-
feats the English at Orle-
ans. Seriously, how badass
do you have to be for it not
to matter that your army is
led by a 16-year-old girl who hears voices?
1781 AD. The French help
the US win at Yorktown.
1793-1815. Anything with
Napoleon.
Conclusion: The French do
all right. Sometimes they win,
sometimes they lose, but they’re
next to Germany for God’s sake,
so what do you people want?
If you’re looking for a good
reason to hate the French, try
and learn the language. Better
still, read The Road to St. Helena
by David Markham.
Kick Napoleon out of
France, what were they think-
ing?
Robert Thompson is the Ramdiculous Page’s French Is-sues Editor. He also says that he knows who took the cookie from the cookie jar. Who, me? Yes, you. Couldn’t be! Then who?
Word of the Day:
nom de plume (n.): 1.) A pen name or
pseudonym. (Coined in English from
French nom [“name”] + de [“of”] +
plume [“feather”], by analogy with the
borrowed nom de guerre.)
(From Wiktionary)
Cheese-eating surrender monkeys
6 CB complains to BP about her hair