Students of Color Coalition Sue University Cites mishandling of office space and a history of racism

By DUSTIN LEE

THE UNIVERSITY OF Michigan can't catch a break. The Athletic Department is in the red ,

Universi ty President Lee Bollinger can't strike a - .. compromise between the Fair Labor Association ., , (FLA) and the Worker Rights Consortium (WRC) , and the

The University has already spent millions of dollars dealing with these situations, so to throw another log on the fire would seem monetarily superfluous. But just ask the Students of Color Coalition (SCC) , presumably the student group spearheading a new lawsuit against the University, what serves as fodder for their lawsuit, and civil ,rights will surely surface as the defining issue.

Accordingly, in order to validate its charges, the see must demonstrate that a direct

connection exists between Michigamua and the University of Michigan.

So defining, in fact, that four Center for Individual Rights (CIR) has filed two lawsuits against the University charging that race was unfairly used as a determining factor in admissions.

Some would call this place a fixer-upper. We would call It a dump.

See see on Page 7 Michlgamua now calls It home. (no joke)

Ralph Nader: Unsafe in Any Office? By MAITHEW FRANCZAK

WHILE IT MAY not be a bombshell, Ralph Nader's campaign for

. the presidency, which has recently polled around 5%, is a loud enough firecracker to make

icon of leftist litigation and ..... taking a closer look at this § leader of an empire of AnalysIs "public interest" groups worthwhile. Just like the mainstream politicians he so readily criticizes, Nader has shown himself to have a degree of shiftiness and hypocrisy comparable to the most duplicitous Washington insider and the "Do as I say, not as I do" outlook common among the proponents of heavy regulation.

Nader leaps at the opportunity to accuse other politicians of being in the pockets of corporations and special interests calling for greater disclosure of these groups' actions. When he is subjected to the same scrutiny though, he is less than forthcoming. Nader supported federal law

representatives refused to reveal their donors without getting their consent. Moreover, Nader advocated the adoption of the ruling by Missouri Public Service Commission that trucking companies and utilities that they regulate disclose in monthly reports "any and all contacts in

Nader is quick to criticize tax loopholes that benefit corporations, but his network of

organizations readily takes advantage of whatever tax exceptions it can.

that forceatlie Comrruttee to Reelect the person, oral or written, concerning or President to disclose its donors in the 1972 bearing on Missouri PSC business" as a election, yet when Public Citizen, the regulation for companies involved with the primary fundraiser of his vast network of federal government. However, he opposed "public interest" groups, raised over $1 the same restriction when extended to million in that very year, Nader's lobbyists. which some Darts of his web of

.51"12 51. it 2 Mli3. ;.ii 2 [£.fL' S.2 2IS.5.C it

organizations employ, as well. As for special interests, trial lawyers have long been financial backers of Nader's organizations, pleased with his trumpeting of litigation as the solution to the nation's problems and the fodder for lucrative lawsuits his investigations have provided.

A close look at the finances of Nader and his organizations is also quite edifYing. Nader is quick to criticize tax loopholes that benefit corporations, but his network of organizations readily takes advantage of whatever tax exceptions it can. Public Citizen, his fundraising machine, claimd to be a "social welfare organization" and his Center for Study of Responsive Law passes itself off as a "educational"

See NADER on Page 8

3 Letters to the Editor

4 From Suite One

6 One last column from Big Red

10 The. Features section

11 More from El Senor Guipe

Nothing gives us that warm A blast from the past returns On a very special episode of EI Senor Guipe is no longer EI Senor Guipe finally moves and fuzzy feeling like that for an encore. And once Pictures at an Exhibition, alone is bringing us the out of the dorms and in with first piece of hate mail of the again, we call for the en- Matt reflects on his years laughs. Kurt(noruckname EI Rojo Grande. No, this is year. (sigh ...... . ) forcement of existing laws with the Review and why yet) shows us what Al Gore not the plot for a new sitcom.

instead of new ones. YOU should join us. does in his free time.

~ .. 2

• SERPENT'S TOOTH

A recent poll of high school students showed that 9 out of 1"0 supported such gun control measures such as mandatory trigger locks, licensing, and registration. In a related poll, 9 out of 10 teens thought that smoking made you look really cool, and that seatbelts are for "wimps." In another related poll, 7 out of 10 first graders would support the use of military force to force the monsters from their closets, and that 8 out of 10 felt that vegatables were disgusting. Eight out of ten boys surveyed felt that girls were "icky" while seven out of ten girls felt that boys were "gross."

It seems that there is a dispute between Cindy Margolis and Danni Ashe for the title "World's Most Downloaded Woman." Well, we at Serpent's Tooth suggest that they settle this like civilized, modern, liberated women: with a good old fashioned mud-wrestling match.

Gloria Steinem (yes, THAT Gloria Steinem) got married last week to South African-born entrepreneur David Bale in Oklahoma. This comes to a huge disappointment to James Brolin, aka Mr. Barbra Streisand, as he now loses his title as the Most Whipped Man in America.

It seems that Canada will now have their own version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Naturally, the prize will be one million Canadian dollars, or twenty bucks American.

First Lady Hillary Clinton furiously denied that she called called a former campaign aide a "dirty Jew bastard." Quote the first Lady "I would never say anything like that. I mean, I know for a fact that the Jew bastard showered every day with soap."

Recently, a U.N. Report detailed the terrible rise in child prostitution around the world. Silly Rabbit, it seems that tricks ARE for kids.

Serpent's has recently noticed the Charles Bannerman Fellowship, a program which gives activist $15,000 to take a three month break from agitating. While it's heart is in the right place, we at Serpent's feel that this will do nothing but play into the liberal's hands in allowing them to get lots of money for not working.

Top Five Bumber Stickers Seen at the GOP Convention in Philadelphia:

1) Republicans make great leaders, after all, you're following one.

2) Jesus mounted a donkey, but Monica mounted an ass.

3) I'm moving to New York to vote against Hillary!

4) Work harder! Millions on welfare depend on you!

5) Vote Democrat! It's easier than working.

The top ten most common reactions observed when someone admits to being a libertarian.

10. Is that like a communist? 9. Is that like an anarchist? 8. Really? I'm a Virgo. 7. That's great because I need help

finding a book on (blank). 6. Do you have any pot? 5. That's strange, you look fairly

nOJmal to me. 4. Does that, like, have som'ething to

do with politics? 3. So what is it like in Libya? 2. So there are three of you guys now. 1. What the Hell is that?

True Stories of Government Stupidity:

Back in May, Jim, the Editor-in-Chief, wants to get his New Jersey Firearms

Purchaser's 10 card and perhaps a pistol permit or two. So he gets the forms, fills them out, and he brings them in to hand them to his local police and to get fingerprinted. The required information includes a full questionnaire, a form allowing the police to access the applicant's mental records aim didn't have any, by the way,) and two recommendations from two people that have known the applicant for six years or more. The fee for processing the application, whether it is approved or not, is $50. So when Jim goes to pay, he tries to pay it with a personal check. But, apparently, the New Jersey State Police, even with a boatload of personal information, access to ' mental records and two recommendations, doesn't trust people enough to take a personal check.

To lure unsuspecting freshmen into their evil web, the BAMN faction recently made a plea, in Diag chalkings, for students to come "Defend Affirmative Action and Play Rugby." Th~ strikes us as odd - isn't . rugby the whitest sport there is? Anyway, if you're going to play rugby, play by your rules: whomever is ahead when the clock runs down must subtract 20 points from their score. Hey, it's only fair.

• FROM THE EDITOR Well, summer is over and the year is upon us. Classes begin bright and early, the

leftists are back out trying to collect money to send books to prisoners, the Athletic Department is in the red and the school as a whole is under siege with lawsuits. With all that going on, take comfort in the fact that the &view is back, and yes, we're still biweekly.

This year, the Review will have a slightly different feel to it. No more drug loving libertarian articles about how pot should be legalized. You'll never again have a pot legalization petition fallout when you pick up an issue. I know many people were shocked by that, so we won't do anything weird like that this year. This year, the features section , will b~ much more extensive, thanks to our new Features Editor, Kurt Rademacher. There will be no wine reviews from him (although he was the one that wrote the boxed wine review last year.) Along with Kurt we'll have El Sefior Guipe back, who never fails us in delivering a side-splirting column.

I'm one of those few blessed editors of the Review who are in charge during a .presidential election year, so you'll hear a lot about that. This campus is teeming with politically involved students this year, and not just leftists for once (thought I don't see a Students for Buchanan group anywhere on campus.) This election will be one of the most crucial and probably one of the closest in recent memory, so we'd be shirking our duty as the recorders and analyzers of history if we didn't cover it.

Perhaps, most importantly of all, we shall recognize who our friends and allies are ~d respect them as such. And finally, to you, our readers, I promise to give all that I've got to give to the &view so that each issue may be berter than the last. Enjoy, and if you see me walking around campus, feel free to stop me to say hello (unless it looks like I'm in a rush, then just write me an email.)

James Y. Yeh Editor-in-Chief

TilE :\ 11('111< ;.\:\ RE\ IE\\

The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan lflts morning again in Amnica. ... "

JamesY. Yeh Editor-in-Chief

James Justin Wilson Publisher, Managing Editor

Michael Austin Managing Editor

Matthew Franczak National Affairs Editor

R. Colin Painter Senior Editor

CAMPUS AFFAIRS ED: FEA TURES EDITOR:

COpy EDITOR: SA TIRE EDITOR: ONLINE EDp'OR:

LAYOUT:

Dustin C. Lee Kurt Rademacher Rabeh Soofl David Guipe Rabeh Soofl Gina Fraternali

IsrAFF WRITERS: Ruben Duran, Alex Feng, Tim Maull, Curt Robertson, David Sackett, Ryan Serra

EDITOR·AT·LARGE: EDITORS EMERITI:

M. Scott Schwartz Lee Bockhom Benjamin Kepple

The Michigan Review is the independent, student·run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the U- M. Contributions to the Michigan Review are tax· deductible under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code. The Review is not affiliated with any political party or university political group.

Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo. they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles. leners, and canoons represent the oPinions of the author and not necess,uily those of the Review. The Serpent's Tooth shall represent the opinion of individual anonymous contributors to the Review, and should not necessari ly be taken as representative of the Review' s editorial stan<;e. TIle opinions presented in this publication are not necessarily those of the adve";sers or of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters. articles. and comments about the journal.

I say this to all the conservative leaders on campus: the time for infighting is no more. We cannot allow personal politics get in the way of the principles that we believe in . What' s more imponant, the Cause or our personal egos? Everything that has come between us in the past is just that - in the past. We must learn to work together, or we shall not survive. (Oh, and r swear, no more Libenarian garbage!)

Please address all advenising, subscription inquiries. and donations to Publisher clo the Michigall Review.

Editorial and Business Offices: The Michigan Review

911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109·1265 iellers@michiganreview.com

/zttp:llwww.mic/Zilianreview.com Tel. (734) 647-8438 • Fax (734) 936-2505

Copyright () 2000 The Mk:hIgan Review, IDe. AU rights reserved. Tbe Michigdll Re."iew is .. member of (be Collegiate Network •

Love us or hate us, write us.

E-mail letters@michiganreview.com with subject, "Letter to the Editor"

Or send mail to:

The Michigan Review 911 N. Universiry Ave. Ann Arbor, MI 48109

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Reader Accuses Review of Hypocrisy I AM WRITING in regards [0 Justin

Wilson's article in the Summer Orientation Issue of the Michigan

Review, entitled "The Foulest of the Foul 2000: Classes to Avoid at All Costs." As an Academic Peer Advisor for the College ofLiterarure, Sciences and Arts, I am very upset by your article. First of all, while I agree with the Freedom to one's opinion and freedom of speech, you play . the hypocrite iii your article. You try to warn the incoming students against taking classes that seek to control how they think or, lord forbid, may turn them into "liberals"; yet you are trying to control how they think by preventing them from taking these classes that you list as the top 13 "Foulest of the Foul." In addition, by this article, you encourage students to continue on in their familiar academic schooling by taking such classes as english and math and

psychology, many which are either filled at this point in the summer of near filled. While these courses are great, many students are unaware that there are other options for fulfilling college requirements or courses in related fields. By blacklisting such courses of Psychology 211, American Culrures 201 or 210, many of which are first~year favorites, you not only make class selection difficult for many orientees, you

.. prevent them from exploring the intellectual and academic territories that

·lay before them. While you have every right to your own opinion, I believe you have forgotten what many orientees are looking for. For example, many students are interested in volunteer work, making Psychology 211 a perfect option, not the breeding grounds for making the perfect "housewife" or "babysitter" or "lawn­mower" that you insinuate. Encourage

students to think on their own, and decide which courses are beneficial for them, not to follow your own opinion on classes you have NEVER taken.

Jennif" Gallinat

If you regard my little column as influential as a class here at the U-M, Pm fozttered. Now, I really doubt that you believe that, yet you claim that I'm hypocritical because I'm controllingthe minds of incoming freshman. Incoming students are not mindless robots under my controL Mind you, that would be really damn cooL Youre really giving me more credit than I tUserve, I'm just a lowly columnist . . A semester long class that someone is taking for credit from a profossor who is supposed to be extremely educated and informed is anoth" matt".

Additionally, there is a reason high schools focus on the core subjects, because those are what matt" in lifo. !fyou can't calculate the square root of 25 or write a memo, your knowledge of lesbian Latinas in Lithuania is not going to help. Also, it's not my fault that all the traditional classes are foil for freshman. I was personally appaJled when I was not able to take American History and was advised that American Culture 201 was a good substitute.

Finally, if a student is interested in volunteer work, then send them to the Salvation Army or K Grams. The fact of the matter is that I'm just offering a little advice. I wish someone had done that for me when I was Signing up for my first classes. Oh, and one oth" thing, I think that it IS forbidden by the Lord.

-James Justin Wilson

you were a semester ago?

If not, come to OUf ...

ass eeting! ·Wednesday,September 20th @ .8:00pm

. Michigan, League, 3rd Floor Refreshments Provided!

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW A campus tradition for nearly twenty years.

Thats right, we're almost old enough to drink. Woo Hoo!

FROM SUITE ONE

N eVl Greek Policy Endangers Students

T HE REPUTATION OF the U of M Greek system has been tarnished in recent years by several events. In fact, a recent ranking of America's so-called "Top Party Schools" listed the U of M in the top ten. The tragic death of Courtney Cantor two years

ago, a shooting incident at Alpha Delta Phi last year concerning several associate and active members as well as a pellet gun, and several other events have all been responsible for this besmirchment. Ultimately, most of these events have been blamed one way or another on alcohol consumption by the persons involved. However, a new comprehensive plan to deal with drinking at social events called the Social Environment Management Policy (SEMP), recently adopted by the Interfraternity Council (IFC) and the Panhellenic Association (PanHel), will only serve to further exacerbate existing problems.

Before SEMP was initiated, parties sponsored by Greek houses were already subject to numerous rules and regulations serving to make them reasonably safe venues for social interaction, including drinking if the participants so chose. Although sororities are prohibited from hosting parties themselves, they have traditionally been allowed to co­host events with fraternities at the fraternities ' houses. These parties are closely monitored and scrutinized by "SRCs," or officers of the Social Responsibility Committee. Communal sources of alcohol such as kegs, party balls, etc., are all cause fOf demerit points, and evenrually social probation. Social probation requires that the house in question may not hold any social events for the duration of their probationary period. This is a very serious punishment; a year of no parties can destroy a house's, reputation and drive away potential rushees, effectively "killing" the house.

The system had flaws, namely that kegs could be hidden, or "open bars" could be held before the registered party times to avoid detection by SRCs. However, overall the system has made the party environment in the Greek system nQticeably safer. The days of the wild "opens," which some of the older students may still remember, are gone. It became harder for underage freshmen to get alcohol at fraternity parties, as fraternities began taking greater precautions to insure safety at their social events. Frankly, they were no longer willing to risk the loss of their charter and the destruction of their house, as happened to the Phi Delt house after Cantor's death.

This new policy passed by IFC and PanHel, SEMP, will only serve to further increase risks to students by imposing impossible rules and regulations. It has several policy points which will have severe repercussions to the party going students of the U ofM, It prohibits parties hosted by more than two fraternities , e.g., the giant six and eight way parties of the past are gone. No member house of IFC or PanHei may use their house funds to purchase alcohol, nor can any member of said houses purchase alcohol on their houses' behalf, nor can "voluntary contributions" be made by party guests. These regulations are simply impossible for the Greek community to follow, as well as foolish. Larger parties are cheaper as the costs can be sprea~ between all the sponsoring houses; furthermore, having multiple sponsors tended to concentrate parties on any given night, making it easier for SRCs to regulate them and maintain a degree of safety. Under SEMp, houses would each throw their own parties, forcing nearly every house in the IFC to be:;, checked by SRCs, multiple times per night, multiple nights per week. Of course, this will not happen, SRCs' resources will be spread too thin, and many parties may go unchecked and unregulated.

However, the worst problem with SEMP is it will promote drunk driving. Under section II, part F, it makes quite clear that parties held at third party vendors, e.g. ba;s or rented halls, are not subject to SRC checks. Also, as the third party vendor can sell the alcohol, it will no longer be necessary for the houses to hide their kegs, hold covert open bars at unregistered hours, and so forth. Obviously, this is a tempting option for Greek houses wishing to throw parties, and will gradually force Greeks off campus to go partying. This is tantamount to disaster, unfortunately, as there will likely be numerous cases of drunk driving, endangering both drivers as well as the many other house members they will be forced to ferry to and from these off campus locales.

SEMP is a well intentioned policy that simply fails to meet the rigorous demands of reality. College students will drink as surely as they will rebel from their parents, and just plain have fun these few short years before entering the professional world. lllegal it may be, and dangerous as well, but underage drinking cannot be stopped. Prohibition and thousands of police and FBI agents couldn't stop adults from drinking in the 20s, and colleges cannot stop it now. But they can at least try to ensure the safety of these youth, through responsible regulation and control of any alcohol related events. SEMP fails miserably at this job, and even worsens the situation. Clearly, the IFC, PanHel, and the U of M must remedy this very bad policy before someone dies, and then it'll be too late.

'\V\R. KN\G\.U:,; M?, SflREWELl ...

SePtembei':-l3

/S10t: Ima Cl.lNIC

The Ignorant Voter

A~ELEcnON DAY rapidly approaches, the electorate will soon become d~luged with exhortations on the importance of exercising their right to vote. Newspapers will

their usual "be sure to get out and vote" editorials. MTV will once again atrempt to "Rock the Vote" by trying to get all those apolitical and apathetic Generation Xers to take off their headphones and pick up a ballot. Unfortunately the media always talks about the importance of exercising the right to vote, but they never mention the responsibilities that go along with it.

The following anecdote, from Russell Kirk's The Politics of Prudence, unfortunately exemplifies the attitudes of many voters today - Smithson: "Gee, boss, I don't kflow nothin' about them guys Kennedy and Nixon, except what I see on Tv. What'll I do? Employer: "Jack Smithson, the thing for you to do is not to vote; stay home." Smithson: "Oh, 1 got a right to vote; I'm gonna vote, all right." Employer: "You lost that right when you stopped paying attention to politics; or maybe you never started paying any attention, Jack." Smithson: "D~n't give me that: 1 gotta right to vote. Why, if it wasn't for voters like me, them smart guys would be runnin' everything in Washington."

What the fictional Smithson and many real-life Americans fail to comprehend is that all true political rights have cQrresponding responsibilities. American citizens certainly do have the right to vote by law, but they also have a responsibility to stay informed about political issues and candidates. An ignorant voter is as useless in guarding the fate of the Republic as a non-voter. The moment an eligible voter ceases to pay attention to the political arena, he forfeits his suffrage rights . The best thing he can do for the country is to stay home on election day, for a vote cast in ignorance is of no substantive value and can only serve to harm rather than help the nation.

~ln order for a vote to become truly meaningful, it must be th~ re~ult of the informed judgment of a civic-minded individual who appreciates the gravity of the task he has been given. This is a nation governed by the people. The choices made in that small booth will affect the lives of millions and the destiny of a nation. But most Americans do not view voting this way. They either see it as an inconvenience or something which can be done in haste with little or no thought at all.

Ignorant voters also pose a serious threat to the democratic ideal itself, for they are easy prey to political demagogues such as Huey Long, George Wallace, Coleman Young, and Geoffrey Feiger. These are men who appeal to voters' emotions rather than their intellects, their ignorance rather than their knowledge, and their material needs rather than their responsibilities to their fellow citizens and community. Uninformed voters afford self-serving demagogues easy access to positions of power. Once there, these unscrupulous individuals are free to abuse their power, plunder communities, and ignore the true interests of their constitueQcies. The ignorant voters who give these men power are as much to blame, if not more so, for the damage they do to democracy and liberty, as the demagogues are themselves. As the Irish statesman Edmund Burke observed, "Me!l of intemperate mind never can be free; their passions forge their fetters. "

Voting is not just a right; it is a privilege - a privilege bought and paid for with the blood spilled by the American colonist at Lexingron and Concord and the simple GI on the beaches of Normandy. Citi~ens should notvote simply because they feel they have to, or because they feel guilty if they do not vote. They should only vote when they have examined the political scene carefully and are ready to cast an informed and thoughtful ballot. To those who choose to remain politically ignorant, when election day rolls around, do the Country and your fellow citizens a favor: stay home and watch Jerry Springer. 1\R

Originally printed in the 7 October 1998 issue (VoLume 17, Nitmber 2)

-,~-'"'"'-~'~---'

September.13t 2000

• DoN'T Do ANYrHIN:; 1 WCUDN'T Do

I am Untouchable A New Justification for a Modem Prohibition ---

T HE DAYS OF Elliot Ness and his Untouchables, with crowbars in hand, busting up breweries after are

long gone. Gone too are the old-time moonshiners making whiskey in the back shed. They're just the memories of a washed up political philosophy that was bound for destruction from its very inception.

Prohibition, for all intents and purposes, was merely an effort to

curb the

James Justin Wilson

consumption of alcohol across the country, not an all-out assault of American civil liberties. Many have demonized prohibition as the action of an overly zealous Christian majoriry attempting to impose their morals upon the rest of the nation. That interpretation, while a partial truth, is inconsistent with the historical facts . Certainly, the Christian majoriry did play a role in the inauguration of prohibition, but not solely as a means of imposihg their morals. They realized that America was in a death grip of sorts. Alcoholism was rampant and the effects were being felt far beyond the individual citizen. If America was going to continue to maintain its role as the leader of the free world, something needed to be done.

What was done is another misconception of anti-prohibition advocates. It was not the legalization of a mass federal witch-hunt . The 18 th

Amendment only restricted transportation, production, buying, and selling of alcohol, not individual consumption. Instead, it focused on the source rather than the individual in solving the problem.

Representative Richmond P. Hobson of Alabama summed it up well in his speech supporting the 18 th on December 22nd, 1914:

"How does the resolution propose to destroy this agent? In the simplest manner .... It does not coerce any drinker. It simply says that barter and sale, matters that have been a public function from the semi­civilized days of sociery, shall not continue the debauching of the youth. Now, the Liquor Trust are wise enough to know that they can not perpetuate their sway by . depending on debauching grown people, so they go to an organic method of teaching the young to drink. Now we apply exactly the same method to destroy them. We do not try to force old drinkers to stop drinking, but we do effectively put an end

to the systematic, organized debauching of our youth through thousands and tens of thousands of agencies throughout the land."

He was not worried about the moral character of each individual, but instead the overall survival of the nation.

What Hobson and others saw in 1914 is again burgeoning across America. Once the 18th Amendment was repealed, the overall amount of alcohol abuse decreased severely. In recent history Americans have generally exercised a reasonable amount of self-control and responsibiliry, but of course some blatant exceptions existed. Since Woodstock and the subsequent cultural attitudes developed, much of this self­control has been left to the wayside , sacrificed for the sole pursuit of enjoyment.

In all of this, the last thing I want to do is sound like some sort of puritanical preacher or your father- that is not my intention whatsoever. I'm not here to judge you, I merely ask that you judge yourself.

Now, you have to admit things have changed a lot since the fifties. Of course, pretty much all of it has been for the better. What still irks me is that the modern notion of personal responsibility holds no value.

People drink to lose self-control, loosen up a little, take the edge off and maybe lose some inhibitions . No problem, right? Wrong.

If it is impossible to for someone to

America, the attitude of experimentation and unbridled freedom have become bad excuses to get sloshed and do a lot of bad things to other people. It's really nothing more than that.

People believe that they should be able to get away with anything because they have some special clearance as an "experimenter." Reasoning that because they are naive and inexperienced they are excused ftom any harm that they might do to themselves or others. In addition, people feel that they are free to do anything to their body they want. What makes both of these pseudo­philosophies corrupt is that the very point of consuming alcohol is losing self-control.

Self-control is the state of mind that keeps you and I from doing things that we'd regret. That much is simple, but then again, you-probably aren't drunk while you read this so it makes sense now. But after a few drinks, it's not that clear. If it were, there wouldn't be a problem with drunk driving, most domestic abuse, or co-dependent families destroyed by an alcoholic. People forget, or fail to realize that while they exercise their personal freedom to drink, often times, they severely infringe on someone else's freedom.

This is at the very heart of the problem. All of this leads up to a hypothetical

argument that holds no water, yet nevertheless should be considered, if not

Across campus, as weU as the rest of America, the attitude of experimentation and unbridled freedom have become bad excuses to get swshed and do a lot of bad

things to other people.

enjoy a Friday night without alcohol, they have issues that even alcohol can't solve. Using a chemical to achieve an altered state is no better than a heroin addict needing a fIX. It is just the sign that there is something lacking in their life and they fill it with alcohol instead of something healthy like ping pong or playing Trivial Pursuit (can you guess what I did this summer?).

Others claim they drink to improve their health and decrease the risks of heart disease. Balderdash! All I have to say is get some vitam ins and eat healthy. Additionally, I really doubt that the major alcohol consumers are enjoYing a single glass of red wine with a healthy dinner. And if they are ~ating dinner, it 's probably McDonald's or dorm food which is just plain stupid.

Some others just claim they enjoy savoring a glass of wine or a snifter of good brandy here and there. This may be the only real justifiable reason to drink.

Across campus, as well as the rest of

feared; a new justification for prohibition. A civil libertarian would argue that the

most fundamental right is the conception of liberty; a freedom over one's self and actions. Simply stated, this tenant resides on the idea that everyone should be allowed to do anything they want, as long as it doesn't infringe on anyone else's liberty (That's the kicker). Concepts such as suicide, drug legalization, and prostitution, as well as more central values such as the freedom of expression are legitimized and maintained by this.

With this in mind, prohibition of any kind seems unconditionally unjustifiable. It's viewed as the government mandating what a person can and can't do. At this point the precise definition of liberty plays a key role. External liberties must be taken into account in order to evaluate a circumstance.

Speed limits offer a clear-cut example. With a remeidated understanding of the broader abstraction of freedom, it goes to

say that speed limits appear unjustifiable.

But a closer understanding elucidates that the potential infringement on the external freedoms of another person is enough justification for the rule oflaw. Plainly said, you can't go 120 miles an hour, no matter how good of a driver you are, because at that speed somebody's going to lose an eye, or maybe die. For this reason, many civil . libertarians would agree that speed limits are a justified governmental mandate.

The same reasoning can be extrapolated to encompass the much­besmirched issue of prohibition. The secondary, and more important, factor providing the justification is not as clear cut as the speed limit example. Nevertheless , drug use and alcohol consumption certainly have tertiary circumstances that extend beyond an individual's freedom.

In order to realize this, the very basic tenant of drinking, .the loss, or impairment, of self-control must be analyzed. Alcohol has the power to rob not only self-control, but also reasonable decision making power from an individual. In doing so, more often than not, somebody's bound to get affected one way or another.

Drunk driving is the manifestation of this theoretical conception. After a few drinks, and maybe more than a few, you're not exactly thinking of that station wagon with the nuclear family, 1.9 kids and all, are you? Beginning to see my point? I hope so. As much as people would like to think that their drinking is their business, it's not. The very nature of alcohol is to make itself everyone else's business.

As people continue to prove that they can't handle the responsibility of alcohol, its . eventually going to get taken away. It happened before, and it could happen again. Be warned.

OK, I know that's all a bunch of hogwash. But its got to make you think. Next time you're getting shit-faced, ask yourself "Is it my God given right to get drunk?" Then think about what happened in 1914.

What's the message of all of this? It's pretty damn simple. Exercise a little personal responsibility next time you decide to drink, but more importantly maintain that responsibility.

I'm not your father. You can do what ever you want, and I'm certainly not going to judge you. But the moment that your irresponsibility results in you vomiting all over the leather seats in my car or in my bathroom, all I'll have to say is: "Atomic Drop Kick."

Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Mt

• PICTURES~XHIBITI0N.COM

Joining the Michigan Review: The Best Decision I Have Ever Made

I Will ALWAYS remember the first time I strongly considered joining the

newspa:per. One would think that a modicum of political balance would be

Michigan Review. It was the evening of March 18, 1998. Ward Connerly, the black man responsible for California's Proposition 209 - which ended all forms of racial preference throughout the state - was to give a talk in. the Michigan League. As our university had been charged with racial discrimination in two lawsuits just a few months prior, I knew Mr. Connerly would add valuable insights to the ongoing debate over preferences in admissions.

~ N __ o t

present inside the pages of the established Student daily. But as anyone who has skimmed the articles knows, "conservative" is a four-letter word in Daily-country! Their first issue of the fall semester declared that "Affi rmative action is vital to 'U''', and the rhetoric will continue throughout the year. Daily associate editorial page editor Nick Woomer - bless his

ci5 ~ __ .~

::Eci5 But a funny thing happened:

this normally eloquent, engaging speaker was unable to speak Oh, his speech was written and he was eager to tell us about his experiences growing up as a black man in the South , but something was preventing him from uttering a single sentence. What was that something?

BAMN. The Coalition to Defend Affirmative

Action By Any Means Necessary, led by current Rackham student Jessica "The Iron" Curtin, shouted the gentleman down . So did many other leftist participants. They laughed, they yelled, they booed - anything to prevent the prominent businessman from getting his message across. For the most part, they succeeded. After a harried twenty-minute speech, Mr. Connerly opened the floor to "questioning" - which the audience must have misheard as "badgering." For the next 90 minutes , these students treated Mr. Connerly with disrespect the likes of which I had never seen. "You didn't know what you were getting into when you came to the University of Michigan!" one student yelled into the microphone.

Sadly, neither did I. I was a freshman, and this ugly display

by my fellow students capped off a year of what can best be described as liberaLshock. Now, in high school I had never been political, and I had never thought of myself as a conservative. In all honesty, I am still not totally conservative, even after having edited the Michigan Review! But what I came to realize freshman year was that "moderate" in the real world meant "conservative" here at U-M.

It may not be obvious if you have only been here a couple of weeks. But as the semester progresses, you will notice that something is amiss . Take a look at the Michigan Daily, U-M's "official" student

heart - is a full-blown Commie, who loathes capitalist thought and

trumpets the local Communist rag, MIM Notes, as a valuable news supplement with "the potential to enlighten people."

Turn your attention to the LSA course guide. There you will find a road map of courses that range from liberal to MarXist in nature. Every semester the Michigan Review publishes a list of the worst classes offered, and we are never short on material - in fact, we always have to cut the list down significantly. The classes cited most always note the treacherous trio of "Race, Class, and Gender" as a lens through which the subject will be distorted. In our trendy academic world, the race-class-gender fad is the latest and greatest "innovation," but what our profs seem not to realize is that many topics lose their true meaning when studied through that lens.

What's worse is that the courses offered at the University of Michigan are often guilty of the cardinal sin: hypocrisy. One

-would think that at an institution of higher learning, students would study all sides of an issue - after all, that's what "diversity" should mean. But too ofren, President Bollinger's lauded "commitment to diversity" refers to skin color only, and in class conservative students are ostracized into at best keeping quiet, and at worst, accepting the poorly thought out liberal dogma spoon-fed by the instructor.

LiberaLshock doesn't end there. The speakers that the University brings in are overwhelmingly liberal. In the last couple years we've seen Hillary Clinton, Jessie Jackson, Gloria Steinem, James Carville . . . and that's just skimming the surface.

Which brings us back to one of our few conservative guests, Mr. Connerly (who was invited not by the University, but by a conservative student group). As I recounted in an earlier article, I, like most civilized students, was appalled by the

savage behavior of my colleagues. I was further dismayed by the U-M Administration's complete silence on the matter. Not once did President Bollinger -a First Amendment scholar and free­speech advocate - condemn the louts who harassed Connerly and left a permanent blemish on the University's reputation. I perceived his silence as tacit acceptance -after all, he thought, they weren't booing someone important and "distinguished"

on the SATs will only net you 12.points, and the daunting personal essay counts barely at all - 1 point for an "excellent" essay. I was in shock!

I didn't want to be a journalist after . college; I had only a passing interest in

politics ; and I had never read a real newspaper on a regular basis. But I knew that if I didn't join the Michigan Review, I would regret it. I simply couldn't stand back, silent, while madness was occurring

I had found a group of people with whom I could identify, a group that espoused values that jelled perfectly with what I was feeling inside.

Joining them was the most important and worthwhile decision I have ever made. Ever.

like AI Sharpton; it was only Connerly, the infamous traitor to his race who wasn't wanted here in the first place.

(For more on the Ward Connerly debacle, see my first ever article, "Freshmen: Beware the Activist Factor," at http://www.umich. edu/ - mrev/archives/ 1998/9-16-98Ipg8.htm}

So there I was, a student about to complete his freshman year at the U-M, and for the first time in my life, I had the distinct impression that something just wasn't right. One minute, administrators and professors would extol the virtues of diversity and fai-r-mindedness; the next minute their actions would blatantly contradict their words.

To top it all off, just two weeks later I learned what "affirmative action" truly meant at the University of Michigan. On the top of the April 1, 1998 Michigan Review, the headline screamed out:

"The U-M's New Admissions Policy: Race Counts More than SAT, Service, Essay Combined."

Surely, it had to be an April Fool's joke! But to my great dismay, it was not. There, in the pages of the Review, I learned that out of a 100-point admissions scale, applicants received 20 points solely for the color of their skin. A rich African­American, who goes to expensive private schools and enjoys the benefits of exclusive SAT prep courses, and who has never suffered racial discrimination in her life, gets 20 points for being slightly more brown than the rest of us - a boost equivalent to a full letter grade. In comparison, I learned that a perfect 1600

all around me! I had to do something. "Conservative" or not (I still didn't really know what the label meant), I had found a group of people with whom I could identifY, a group that espoused values that jelled perfectly with what I was feeling inside. I e-mailed the editor, and now, two years later, I can say without pause that joining the Review was the most important and worthwhile decision I have ever made. Ever.

L ADIES AND GENTLEME N: the President of the United States, accompanied by his wife, Mrs.

Clinton, and the recipients of the Medal of Freedom!" .

Through thunderous applause and the sounds of "Hail to the Chief," President Clinton walked to the front of the East Room, a glorious and historic room filled with life-sized portraits of former presidents and beautiful chandeliers to illuminate them. And I was standing in the back of the room, reporter's notebook in hand, taking it all in.

This was the climax of an unbelievable summer in Washington, spent interning for the Detroit News Washington Bureau. By the time I returned home, I had published 12 articles in the News - including one fron t-page article, interview~d Congressmen in the corridors of the Capitol, and chatted with the upper echelons of all the top fields. In just 10 weeks of "real world" experience, I

Continued on the Next Page

Continued from the Previous Page

expanded my knowledge of politics, law, and business more than I had in three years of college.

And it was all thanks to the Michigan Review. Through the work I did here, I was able to earn the internship of my dreams - while the editor of a certain student

a newspaper, maintained a budget of thousands of dollars, been treated to all­expense-paid conferences in posh hotels around the country, learned the true meaning of leadership, and made lifelong friendships. As editor-in-chief, I was interviewed by Ed Bradley of 60 Minutes, and when the segment airs this fall I will be seen by over 10 million people.

"If you want college to be about more than just classes and grades; more than just parties and

drinking; if you want to be truly challenged intellectually, consider dropping a note to the editor."

I F YOU WANT college to be about more than just classes and grades; more than just parties and drinking; if you want

to be truly challenged intellectually, consider dropping a note to the editor. If the U-M just doesn't feel right to you; if the atmosphere of inqUISItive intellectualism you thought would exist at college is nowhere to be found; if you want to challenge the status quo rather than simply accepting it, stop by our office sometime. Whether you're interested in campus affairs, law, politics, society, culture, anything, the Michigan Review has a place for you. Try to have a place for the Michigan Review. If you give it your all, you will be repaid tenfold both intellectually and materially. Join the tradition - join the Review. 1vR

daily had to make clue with no internship offers.

In my two years at the Review (and counting), I have improved my writing skills exponentially, learned how to layout

see Continued from Page 1

university groups and 22 individuals filed a 31-page Title VI discrimination complaint against the University's administration with the U.S. Department of Education's Office of Civil Rights in Cleveland, Ohio. Among the complaints within the lawsuit, the groups charge that the University afftliates itself with the secret society Michigamua and therefore sanctions the practices and tenets of the latter.

Having previously come . under fire for its use of Native American artifacts and rituals, Michigamua is as vulnerable as any student-run organization on campus. Not only was Michigamua forced to change its name (now, officially,

, Michigamua: New Traditions for a New Millennium) and practices on account of SCC protests last winter term, but it also lost its legally questionable "right" to office space in the Michigan Union Tower. The secret society has since moved its office to 109 East Madison, but few believe it will actually meet there.

Currently, where Michigamua will choose to meet is uncertain , and similarly, where the complaints filed with the U.S. Department of Education will lead, also loom precariously. The University is charged in the complaint as showing repeated discrimination against Native American students and facuity, and therefore demonstrating a tolerance of racial discrimination against Native Americans. Accordingly, in order to

validate its charges, the SCC must demonstrate that a direct connection exists between Michigamua and the University of Michigan. Mere association, however, does not necessarily equate with either tolerance or endorsement.

But I think most important: over the years and through all the ups and downs, the Michigan Review has given me the knowledge, abilities, and confidence to succeed in whatever endeavor I choose.

According to the U.S. Department of Education, "Title VI of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 provides that no person in the United States shall, on the grounds of race, color, or national origin, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be otherwise subjected to discrimination under any program or activity receiving Federal financial assistance from the Department of Education."

Fatt: The University of Michigan

To all of you who have read my columns over the past year, I thank you.

In a statement dated February 17, President Bollinger wrote that "practices that negatively stereotype groups in our society cause unjust pain and humiliation. I believe such practices are not acceptable behaviors in a University that values and fosters diversity. We must never take lightly the effects of such perceptions and behaviors." However, Bollinger stated later in February and March that, "this University honors the principle that

In a nutshell, Michigamua believes it acts as a private organization, free to associate with whomever it chooses and free to practice the rituals of its own history - and

not hampered by the regulations set forth in Title VI.

receives federal funding and must therefore comply with the standards commanded in TItle VI.

Fact: Michigamua is a student-run group at the University of Michiga,n.

Misleading Assumption: Michigamua, as a student-run orgJ!1ization, has ties to the University of Michigan and is therefore bound to comply with the standards set forth in Title VI.

Given its status as a "former" Tower Society, Michigamua was and is funqed by private alumni donations. It receives no direct federal funding. It receives no indirect federal funding. In a nutshell, Michigamua believes it acts as a private organization , free to associate with whomever it chooses and free to practice the rituals of its own history-not with the standards set forth in Title VI.

In defense of Michigarnua, President Bollinger, a first amendment scholar, has publicly stated in letters to the University community his belief in free speech and association-me kind of which that should not be thwarted by University policy and speech codes.

individuals and groups within the University community mpst be free to express a wide variety of beliefs and ideas" and that "decisions must be made in a way that does not penalize any group for its views or beliefs and yet fully considers history and past practices."

But to some, the SCC in particular, a token of free speech and association is not enough . As the U .S. Department of Education notes, the complaints at the post-secondary level focus on "discrimination in · the recruitment, admission, or treatment of students by colleges and universities," and the "failure to eliminate the vestiges of formerly segregated systems of higher education."

It appears as if the latter could have set the precedent for the University's appointment of a panel earlier this year to discuss "office space allocation," and subsequently its decision to remove Michigamua and the other Tower Societies from the Union. However, the most recent complaint was filed with the Department of Education after Michigamua agreed to moved out of the tower and into its new

I strongly believe in everything I write, and I hope you have taken it to heart. If you ever want to discuss anything,

drop me an e-mail at ztrawhcs@wnich.edu - I love great e­

mail discussions, as my predecessor knows quite well. I want to thank all

my colleagues at the Review - you taught me a lot about leadership. I will

always cherish the time we spent together. Ben and John, thanks for all your advice and support. It was more important than you could know. Lee, thank you for everything - including

putting up with the mess this summer. You have not seen the last of me. And of

course, I would like to thank my parents, who have been so supportive

over the years (and through my academic letdowns). I hope I have

made you proud.

home at 109 East Madison. Admittedly, the SCC has more on its

agenda. Among the SCC's demands are an official apology from Michigamua and the administration to the Native American community, the use of Crisler Arena for Native American "pow wows," and an increase in Native American students and faculty here at the University of Michigan.

Ironically, the last of these demands is construed by many as an overt form of racial quotas and affirmative action-the very principle the University is currently defending in two class action lawsuits. "If the University could enlist more Native American students and professors, then I'm sure they would," LSA junior and Law Club Treasurer, John Mione said. "The SCC has filed a complaint against the University, while taking a stance the University has already proven it supports," Mione continued.

And so the drama plays on. Who knows when the Athletic

Department will get out of the red. Who knows whether the FLA or the WRC will turn out to be the more suitable agreement on labor practices. Who knows when the class action lawsuits pending against the University's use of race in admissions will begin, let alone end. And who knows what will inevitably transpire over the next few months with the Michigamua, SCc, and University of Michigan saga.

Will the complaints filed set a new precedent by which student organizations are handled, judged, and disciplined? Or will they simply get lost among the 5,000 complaints the Office of Civil Rights receives per year? The SCC will not accept the latter, and if they don't, the pressure on the University by the SCC and the fear of another lawsuit, will in all likelihood lead once again to the University policy and draconian speech codes that infringed upon the rights of students decades ago.Mt

Nader Continued from Page 1

organization. Interestingly, Public Citizen has stockpiled much of the funds it has raised and invested them in certificates of deposit (the money placed in which is invested by the banks in whatever manner they see fit) and directly in stocks including Tremco Manufacturing Company and Warner-Lambert. Nader himself has been saving much of his own income allowing him the pretense of living a sustenance lifestyle while he has been accumulating a multimillion-dollar nest egg of investments to spend as he pleases when he no longer has to preserve his image. In light of this, Nader seems less like the monk who has taken a vow of poverty which he is often compared to and more like the rich miser whose stinginess forbids him to spend his precious fortune. It seems odd that both Nader and his organizations have large investments in various areas but the Green Party's platform calls for taxes upon stock, bond, and currency trades aiming to

close aids, who promptly had the locks changed on three's offices and laid off the rest of the staff over the next two weeks and never rehired them. A legal battle then began which ended only when the two sides agreed to drop the suits against each other. Another attempt to unionize at Public Citizen, the largest Nader organization, was eliminated before it reached the critical mass that occurred at Multinational Monitor.

However not only major corporations should be leery of Ralph; Nader is responsible for student Public Interest Research Groups, which attempted to, by means of a scheme that is quite unseemly for a consumer advocate, organize supporters and extort funds from the student bodies of various universities. The student PIRG scheme starts with students collecting signatures ftom half the students and gives them to the administration, asking to create the PIRG and charge all students a small fee each term to support it. Under the scheme, this fee can be refunded, but the student must make a special request, so students who do not

With absolutely no personal stance on social or foreign policy issues and an economic policy

that consists solely of litigating major corporations into oblivion and major

discrepancies between his own views and the Green Party's platform, Nader runs a campaign based on his legacy as a "consumer advocate."

I Ii .• t

discourage them. AlSO, the plattorm includes taxes on individual wealth above $2.5 million and an income cap at ten times the minimum wage while Nader's income and holdings both well surpass these levels.

nonce the Charge or do not want to go through the bother of getting it returned still pay it. This sort of negative-response selling tactic is used by mail order record and book sales, despite many criticisms of it by many consumer activists. Nader toured universities in the mid-70's to promote this scheme. And when the option of allowing students to check a box if they wanted to support the PIRG instead was adopted by Penn State's Board of Trustees' Committee on Eduational Policy, Nader responded by threatening to launch investigations on the board members, calling for their resignations, and funding the PIRG himself.

Despite taking pro-Labor stances recently in an attempt to court such powerful unions as the UAW and the Teamsters for his presidential bid, Nader's history has shown him to be less than a friend to unions. In the past, Nader's organizations have accused unionized truckers and airline workers of being the beneficiaries of government-created monopolies. However, Nader's stances on protecting the ability of workers to unionize, the topic of a series of Green Party planks, is most clearly demonstrated in how he has handled labor disputes within his own organizations. When disputes about editorial policy arose within MultinationalMonitor, a publication Nader founded and owned, he told the paper's editor, Tom Shorrok, that he had three months to leave the position. When two of he and two of his colleagues organized readers and other staff to get him reinstated, Nader refused to acknowledge them, so they filed to form a union. Within a day of the paper's being filed Nader transferred ownership to some of his

With the myth of Nader as the only honest man in Washington dispelled, all that remains is the tired old anti-corporate rhetoric that Nader has been espousing for years. With absolutely no personal stance on social or foreign policy issues and an economic policy that consists solely of litigating major corporations into oblivion and major discrepancies between his own views and the Green Party's platform, Nader runs a campaign based on his legacy as a "consumer advocate." Ultimately, Nader is just another professional politician playing the game of personality politics. Mt

No one is immune from having a bad picture taken, not even Ralph Nader

Reform Party Woes Two candidates battle over $13 million of taxpayer dollars

By RUBEN DURAN

O N NOVEMBER 7, thousands of University of Michigan students will flock to the polls to elect the

new president of the United States of America. Many voters are well aware of the race between the Democratic and Republican candidates for the office of Chief Executive.

Every election year there is also a broad smattering of "independent" or "third party" candidates, who for the most part draw little or no media attention, and subsequently little public notice. The last two elections, however, have brought to light a significant (if that word could be used in this context) number of third party voters and their presidential candidates. Ross Perot, of the Reform Party, took roughly eight percent of the general public's vote (though no electoral votes) in the last Presidential election, showing just how strong a footing the rogue parties are developing.

This year, the public is yet again being exposed to three significant parties and

ssues! • on

their candidates on the ballot. The Reform Party held their annual convention this year, and nominated their candidate for the office of Leader of the Free World: former Republican contender Pat auchanan. However, this event that usually takes place with little fanfare or notoriety drew national attention when the nomination was announced. While Buchanan drew support from almost all of the delegates, there were several groups who felt that the Natural Law Party candidate John Hagelin was more worthy of the relatively more powerful party's nomination. An event that is usually marked by cheering and pride was replaced instead with shoving and shouting. Upon the announcement of the nomination, the delegates in support of Hagelin dismissed themselves from the Reform Party, and began propping up Hagelin under the Natural Law banner, but also claiming that he is the Reform Party's candidate.

All of this nonsense really would have mattered as little as the points on "Who's Line Is It Anyway,» were it not for the issue

• elgn olicy

of the Federal Election Commission. The federally-mandated administration is charged with distributing funds (read: tax

dollars) to each predominant party's Presidential campaign fund . Since the Reform Party garnered a large enough number of votes during the last election year, they are qualified, but not required, to accept roughly $12.5 million from the government to fund their campaign. While it is easy enough for the G.O.P or the Democrats to retrieve their allotment . (which was significantly more), the FEC was lefr scratching their heads in what to

do about the Reform Parn'. While the official Party stance supports Buchanan, a significant number of delegates support Hagelin, so that the Commission does not know to whom the money should go. In response, Buchanan and his supporters have filed a lawsuit banning Hagelin's group from obtaining the money.

This whole debacle is beginning to take its effect on the individual states, as most coordinators do not know which candidate should be placed on the ballot

for the Reform Party. With Election day drawing near, many states are concerned that the process will take too long, and are developing their own method for deciding which candidate is seen on the ballot . .fu an . example, Iowa is considering drawing the name out of a hat. This event is viewed by som,e as a simple ploy t9 grab media attention for both parties, as both candidates have gotten very little time in the spotlight until now . .fu this article goes to press, the secretary of state of California is being sued by Buchanan's group for supporting Hagelin, and the FEC is "recommending" that Buchanan receive the money (though they have no true power to issue it) .

While this event gains national attention, the fact remains that when voters go to the polls on November 7th, most will vote for either Bush or Gore, and a few might vote for the dark horses (whomever they may be). In the end, this will all be forgotten, and like Michigan's trouncing of Rice this week, be inconsequential in the end. tvR

Hagelin

Haadiobas Do'listed stance oil this iasue (but:

have'. On genetically ~~ ... go fipret

Al Gore: I Created Cyber Sex By KURT RADEMACHER

I assumed that Mr. Gore would have quite a tight schedule as his campaign shifts into high gear for

the final two months of the 2000 Presidential Elections, but I found him very accessible. He was easily approached and seemed at ease throughout the interview despite the fact that I had not scheduled the meeting and actually had stumbled across him in an "Internet Chat Room."

Mr. Gore, who insisted on being called GORE2000!, I found in a debate with a young gentlemen named TioietBowl69 in the Yahoo Teens chat room.

GORE2000! gives TioietBowl69 a suplex

TioietBowl69 gets out his sword and waves it at GORE2000!

GORE20001: dude, you can't use a sword.

TioletBowl69: I wouldn't be so sher of that!

_ Michigauma: New Decorating Style For A New Millenium

By KURT RADEMACHER

Although we all thought that the wigwam look would never go out of style, we've found that it has gone the way of Custer. Its certainly time to establish new traditions for a new millennium - new decorating traditions that is.

Our pick for wall coverings are simple and elegant: upside down American Flags. The flags give the room that "We're in distress" and "We hate our country" kind of feel. Paint all walls and surfaces in one of two colors, Non-Confrontational White (available at K-mart for $4.99 a gallon), or Non-Offensive PC Grey.

The floors can be lined with anything you should have laying around the house; in our case we found excessive amounts of money laying around which we enjoyed gluing onto the floor. This aspect of your dwelling gives it a homey yet still wholly elitist tone. Strong, secure steel locks on every door and window add further to this overall climate. You never know when those can come in handy.

Furnishings of the past have also gO)1e the way of our old traditions, for this new millennium we suggest pullout couches and futon's that can be easily converted into beds for those cases when visitors drop in unexpectedly fora night or maybe a month.Mt

TioietBowl69 gets out his sword again MichiganReviewLiving: Mr. Gore! Al

Gore! Can I ask you a few questions? GORE2000!: Anyone want to chat?

Looking for SWF. MichiganReviewLiving: Mr. Gore,

concerning your tax cut proposal, what dQ you say in response to the Bush camps claims that you do nothing concerning the death tax?

GORE2000!: Age doesn't matter. Looking to cyber.

MichiganReviewLiving: Does this mean you wish to give preference to Internet business?

GORE2000!: Cyberwhore4, wanna get a private room?

MichiganReviewLiving: Would you please clarify that, Mr. Gore?

GORE2000!: I'm unzipping my pants Cyberwhore4, what are you doing?

MichiganReviewLiving: Mr. Gore, would mind laying out the specifics of your tax plan?

GORE2000!: No, I don't care how old you are. Do you want to meet?

Despite popular belief to the contrary, true psychics /are few and far between. My question is how, in this era in which Dinosaurs have been electronically recreated and banking can be done online, what has been done for astrology? Forwhat could be the first time, Michigan Review Living is harnessing the power of the computer to predict your future.

Ares (March 21- April. 19) Trading when in dire straights is

bound to leave you in the losing side of a deal. You should have bought more than that one set of cloths for the four of you as you set off on the trail. What did you expect, that you could share underwear?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Super Joe breaks his leg. Suggest

stopping to rest, unless of course that storm comes your way. You may question how somebody with "super" in his name could break his leg for the third time while Slow Ralph seems to be chugging right along that trail. I would suggest not getting so chummy with the oxen,

MichiganReviewLiving: A face to face interview would be great Mr. Gore.

GORE2000!rips off his shirt watching Cyberwhore4.

MichiganReviewLiving: Mr. Gore? GORE2000!: I invented cyber sex!

Tioletbowl69 swoops in and cuts GORE2000! to bits

MichiganReviewLiving: Mr. Gore? Are you there? Mr. Gore? Are you all right!?

GORE2000! has left the room.Mt

IIHey baby, you wa'1na' get jlggy wit' It?

Va Va Vooom!"

Horoscopes By THE PSYCHIC FRIENDS NETWORK

Gemini (May 21 - June 21) Thieves steal fifty pounds of food and

wagon wheel. And it was your favorite wagon wheel too.

Cancer Oune 22 - July 22) Sure, they had the phrase "We never

liked him anyway, we caUed him Mr. Stupidhead" inscribed on your grave but can you really expect them to be in a good mood when they're alJ dieing of cholera?

Leo Ouly:23 - August 22) How did you get stuck in a group of

travelingfarmers all named QWERTYI? I hear that name is coming back in.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Always calk twice. TWICE!

Libra (September 23 - October 23) Sure, its fun to kill all those bears and

deer and rabbits but you can only carry back one hundred pounds of meat after all the carnage. Yep, that's my point. Its fun.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)

S'

Don't stop at the forts. Seriously, who stays in forts anymore?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

This week syphilis strikes. Going to have to take a good long rest. Forgot at least one supply, didn't ya?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Snake bite .. I don't know what kind, stars don't spedfYsuch things. Roommate says king cobra. Guess stars don't say it's not a king cobra. Must be they're on the trail after all.

Aquarius Oanuary 20 - February 18) Don't laugh to hard at that Virgo's

once-calked wagon. You won't look so smart yourself when you can't fix your own wagon tongue - where did you get your education, anyway?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You'll meet Christina Aguilera.Mt

• STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE

I'm the King of Guipeland ':Absolute power corrupts absolutely. "

I DON'T KNOW who said this, but he sure as hell must have known me in a former life. For a first-hand example of

modern-day corruption, just take a walk over to Vaughn Street. It is on this very street, within a midsize apartment complex, that I, El Sefior Guipe, reign supreme.

Hi. I'm Sefior Guipe. You may remember from such articles as "How to Pick up Girls Online" and "Herpes: Your Lifelong Friend." For those of you who are new to

E1 Senor Guipe

campus, you probably have no idea who I am, nor do you know what this column is all about. Well, let me assure you that my column is not only good, it's probably the only thing on this campus worth reading. So sit back, grab a cold one, and become the next addict of the campus wide phenomenon that is EI Sefior Guipe.

Anyway, back to the story. Yes, EI Sefior Guipe finally has his own castle over which he reigns as king. But he does not exercise such power alone. At his side is none other than his trusty companion, El Rojo Grande! Together this dynamic, er, twosome comprise the bourgeoisie of 1026 Vaughn, forever-after known as Guipeland! Right now you're probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Allow me to fill you in with a little history. As veterans of my column may remem~r, last year both Rojo and I applied for resident staff positions with the University. Naturally, we were both rejected. This horrible injustice led us fleeing from the dorms into the arms of Ms. Sharon, an attractive aging landlady who needed a couple of macho guys like us to take on the job of Resident Managers at one of her many apartment complexes.

Pop quiz, hot shot: You and your roommate are given complete authority over a building full of cute girls, druggies, and one crazy maintenance guy. What do you do?

Our first act was to delegate all of the actual work to our subjects. We .did this through a series of memos, each one a bit longer (and snippier) than the last. One such task was the chore of carrying all of the garbage out to the curb, and folding up the numerous boxes, so that the garbage truck would pick it up. Our first memo read as follows:

"It has come to our attention that a

number of you disposed of your trash in an improper fashion. Instead of methodically folding up your boxes and placing them at the curb for pickup, you haphazardly threw them about, paying no attention to the fundamental truths of order and civility."

After distributing the memo, and getting no positive response, Rojo and I sucked in our guts (mine being quite impressive) and carried the boxes out to the curb where we neatly piled them into a heaping mound that sits there to this day. It's like our own Mt. Olympus.

Another issue that plagued the proletariat here at Guipeland was parking. Despite its powerful military and huge economy, 'our nation has a limited amount of an essential resource: parking spaces. This lead to complaints from various citizens, and despite Rojo'ssuggestion that we punish all protesters by taking away their free cable (we'll get to that in a minute), we came to a decision that was much more beneficial for all involved. We decided to hold a "lottery" to assign parking spaces, and thus determine which residents get to park their vehicles in the ' easily accessible spaces near the driveway, and which are exiled to the outer regions of the lot. As you may have already guessed, this lottery was no lottery at all. It was a sh~, designed to grant the best ' parking spaces to the ruling class and their favored subjects, while the remaining subjects are forced to make due with the crappy, loser parking spaces at the end of the lot. But Rojo and I are indeed compassionate conservatives, which is why we allowed the girl in # 1 who has a huge truck to park in one of the better spaces even though we really don't like her all that much.

Back to the issue of free cable. Now, Rojo and I, being the honest people that we are called the cable company and ordered basic cable service (i.e., all the crappy channels for eight bucks a month). It wasn't long, however, before other residents informed us that they were receiving free cable. This led to a trek throughout the wilderness of Guipeland that culminated in a fascinating discovery: the building's cable control box was unlocked! Rojo and I leaped for joy in a fashion similar to a couple of children who had just discovered a hidden stash of mouthwatering candy. After a few twists and turns, our apartment was soon equipped with full cable service and HBO.Well, it wasn't long before Rojo and the good Sefior became bored sitting on their thrones watching their subjects slave away in the hot, cruel, maddening sun.

So we decided to have a little fun with our residents. And what could be more fun than the supernatural! In our latest memo, I decided to add the following note to all of our citizens:

"At least one resident has reported seeing a phantasm, or 'ghost,' on the premises. While we are unsure of the history of this building, it is quite possible that one or more entities from the spiritual realm do share the complex with us . Should you happen upon this specter, do not be alarmed. It won't hurt you if you don't hurt it."

Just imagine the fun we can have with this little gag. It is sure to provide us with hours of entertainment as we stealthily

move around the complex in the dead of night in an attempt to scare each and every one of our residents, especially that girl in #1.

Deceit. Thievery. Lust. Playing ghost. These are just a few of the cornucopia of advantages that come with being the resident managers of an apartment complex in Ann Arbor. And all because the University decided that we weren't fit to

work in the dorms as RAs. It won't be long before Guipeland is the most powerful empire in all the land. Until then, i will amuse myself by secretly observing the guy in the house across the way as he makes out with his buxom girlfriend. That's the ticket.Mt

TO THE VOTE 2000.

IMPOWJA18 IY

log 0110 lIorl'ls.co. or reckltl".'I.I'I •• d rlllslir II 'Oil. DOftITOS and ttIe OORITOS logo ate trademafb used by frilo-la't Inc. C Recot. tnc.. 2000. ~od: The Vote ~ a registered trademaft of the Rock The Vate EdtKation Fund,

> , ~ , •. ",< .. , • •• " • • ,:., . _ , ,,,_ . , ."".,~."T<W'_" """ "'"_""'<-""" ' _ _ W''-_''''''''''''- ''''''- '' '''