Uncollected Stories

8/8/2019 Uncollected Stories

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UNCO

LLECTEDS

TORI

ES

BYSM

ALLSTORIES


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Uncollected Stories

by Small Stories

Copyright 2009 Small Stories

You are free to copy, distribute, display, and perform the work under the followingconditions:

Attribution. You must give the original author credit.

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No Derivative Works. You may not alter, transform, or build upon this work.

Small Stories is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 UK: England & Wales License.

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3/52

The Trapdoor

Fred Matthews was leaving his home to go to work when a torrent of

water cascaded down from the ceiling. He reached up to stop it. Soon

the water was past his ankles.

The floor felt soft and squidgy. He felt mud between his toes. He began

to sink into it and realised he was being swallowed.

His body kept on sinking until his legs emerged on the other side.

He was under water. The saltiness stung his eyes. It was dark and cold.

He couldnt hold his breath much longer. Strange, glowing creatures

swam around him.

His body sank deeper.

He saw a door on the sea bed and turned the handle. The door opened.

The force of the water pushed him through.

When he opened his eyes he was back in his house, lying on the floor,

covered in mud and seaweed.


4/52

AK-47

I was practising underwater somersaults and came up for air when I

noticed they were standing at the edge of the pool.

Hey you? the biggest one shouted.

I blinked at him and checked behind me.

Me?

Yes you. He beckoned me across.

I swam over.

His arm lunged out. He grasped my head like a grapefruit and thrust me

under the water. Another two jumped in either side of me. I could see

thousands of tiny silvery bubbles. I struggled to the surface, coughing

and sucking in air. The two in the water pulled me down. It wasnt longbefore I stopped wriggling.

I remember being pulled up by the hair, thinking it was over. Terrorist,

they shouted. Terrorist! Were going to punish you. You murdering

terrorist.

Just as I gasped for air they ducked me again. I didnt wriggle that

second time.

They left me clinging to the side. I heard them laughing. Terrorist

scum!

*

I had a pocket book of infantry weapons. I used to look at the pictures

and imagine myself on secret missions, infiltrating government

positions with my AK-47.


5/52

The Worm Inside

It was the end of a school lesson in Lagos, and one boys stomach

ached. He went to the toilet but couldnt go.

During class his bottom had been itching. He scratched his school

shorts but it continued to irritate him.

Before the end of the break, while the other children were playing, he

went behind a building.

There was something there, something alive and it was wriggling.

A wave of terror swept through him. What was this? The revulsion

made him feel ill.

He grabbed at it, trying to catch hold of the thing but his fingers kept

slipping.

Eventually he pulled it out. It was a giant worm.

He picked up a rock and smashed it apart.

*

At church that Sunday they sang to the Lord but he remained silent.

They had the Holy Spirit in them. He knew what lived inside him.


6/52

Herman Marmaduke

By the time I met Herman Marmaduke he was no longer the famous

television star of Hermans Wild World. No one knew him as the

tarantula tamer or the man who swam with sharks. He had withdrawn

from the world. Even his best-seller from two decades previously, The

Way of the Wild Man was no longer in print.

Rumour had it that he sat in his garden and typed one sheet of paper

each day on his Olympia typewriter.

He wore a silk dressing gown, aviator sunglasses and a panama hat.

He drank endless glasses of tomato juice with Lea & Perrins. He

snacked on pickled jalapeo peppers. There he wrote, drinking juice

and munching peppers, happily typing away.

Long ago, he had fallen in love with a woman. She had left him for Larry

Waite, a local businessman known for his shady dealings.

The wedding between Larry Waite and Ms Honeysuckle Dillon (Herman

Marmadukes beautiful ex-fiance) took place on specially rented land

next to Herman Marmadukes house. Loud speakers had blasted the

bride and grooms vows into his garden to signal Larry Waites victory.


7/52

Survivors

A virus leaked out of a top secret research laboratory. It turned the

citys population into zombies.

I was involved with a covert military intelligence project, when I

ventured into the cellular interference force field. There was an

unknown disruption. The lab exploded and electrostatic dischargeknocked me unconscious.

When I woke the fail-safe mechanism had flooded the lab with toxic

gas, killing everyone.

But I was alive.

Everyone was dead at the decontamination area.

I found a car and drove home. My wife and children had caught the

virus. They tried to rip me apart.

I drove away.

*

That was two years ago. I met some people. We started a new life. We

are the survivors of an old world forging to create a new one.

Sometimes I walk into the desert. I need a break from all this post-

apocalypse clich.


8/52

Forbidden

They lived on the edge of a forest, by the mouth of the great river. The

houses were simple mud-box constructions. The temple stood on a hill

overlooking the city.

The father surveyed his home. They would have to build an extension

for the new baby.

His eldest son was kicking a stone.

Father?

Yes, Son?

Why are some things forbidden?

The boys father looked around to check no one was listening. Son,

he said, The elders at the temple say what is allowed and what is not.Who are we to question their wisdom?

I dont understand.

The boys father shook his head. It is forbidden to question that which

is forbidden. This is the fourth rule of the temple.

Just then his daughter drew a circle in the sand. The father ran across

and kicked dirt over it. His daughter looked up and cried.

Never draw that sign, he said, sternly. That is the forbidden sign.


9/52

Duty

The friend Id arranged to meet was talking to a man at the bar when I

arrived.

Its about duty, the man said, finishing the conversation.

The word duty annoyed me. No one cares about duty, I said. Look

around you.

He frowned but didnt reply.

Take it easy, my friend suggested.

I wasnt in the mood to take it easy.

Duty is an old fashioned idea, I said. No one cares about faith or

patriotism. I looked him in the eye. So Mr Duty ... What have you

given our glorious nation? I laughed as he walked away.

Shortly before closing time I saw him leave. It was only then I noticed

his metal leg.

*

The rain came down hard as I walked home. A passing car slowed to

offer me a lift. It was the soldier. I ducked into the trees so he couldnt

see my face.


10/52

The Hermit

He lives in an old bear cave, wears a deerskin jacket. He carries a

rucksack with snake inside. The snake protects a poisoned apple. The

apple is his gift to perfect strangers.

On clear nights he watches the sky. The stars move through the

darkness.

The next morning he wanders through the forest eating berries. He

tastes the bitterness. He tastes the sweetness. Its all the same to him.

He sees hikers in the distance.

Fools, he screams, and laughs crazily.

They watch him with surprised expressions.

Youll pay for your sins, he shouts. Youll pay!

He vanishes into the forest.

The hikers look at one another. Did you see that?

He watches them from the undergrowth. He listens to the wind and the

sound of leaves. He moves through the forest without leaving

footprints.


11/52

The Boat

After lunch I went down to the cabin for a nap. The nausea was awful. I

needed to rest after a week of seasickness.

The others had mocked me. Theyd turned it into a joke.

I must have been asleep for hours. When I woke I went up on deck. I

was confused when I got there because no one was around.

I thought the others were playing a trick on me. They must be hiding in

a cabin. Another of their jokes.

I searched every cabin but couldnt find them.

I went on deck and began to fear something terrible had happened.

Maybe theyd jumped into the sea?

I had to discount the idea because it seemed so unlikely. Perhaps theyhad gone somewhere in the dinghy?

It was still attached to the railing. It was only then that I noticed that the

anchor was up and the boat was drifting.

After a while I gave up looking and called for help.

No one knew what had happened. I can tell you it wasnt me - theyd

done it to themselves.


12/52

Roger

I met a woman in a pub. It never usually works like that. You know how

it is? You go out with your friends and you come back with them.

That night was different - I met Samantha. We had a laugh. It was like

wed known one another all our lives.

I blinked and there we were back at her place. She offered me wine and

snacks and I sort of knew it was going to be different. We could talk

about anything. It was amazing.

We ended up opening a bottle of wine and reality started to slip away.

We were laughing so much she fell off the couch.

I looked at her on the floor.

Are you okay?

I love you, Roger, she said.

Im serious, I replied. Are you all right?

Im feeling so light ... like Im floating. She giggled. I love you so

much, Roger.

You should get up from there, I said. Do you want me to help you to

the bedroom or sleep on the couch?

I love you, Roger.

Listen, I said. My names not Roger.


13/52

Nemisis

All the people Id wronged came round to my house at one Saturday

afternoon.

You bastard! they shouted. You lying bastard.

Im sorry, I said. Im really sorry.

I invited them in for a cup of tea and some home-made chocolate

biscuits.

I hate you! someone at the back shouted.

Ill pour you all a cup, right away, I promised.

Someone hurled a tea cup. It smashed against my head.

Forgive me, I said. Ill never do anything bad again.

You cheated on me, a woman shouted.

I didnt recognise her there had been so many.

Eventually they got bored of my apologies and went away.

I closed the door and smiled. Id laced the biscuits with poison.

I glanced at my watch. This was going to be the best forty-five minutes

of my life.


14/52

Inflatable

Daniel socialised with the senior management. People tipped him as a

man who was going places.

But things changed when he was passed up for promotion. Lawrence

Allberg, a man fifteen years his junior, got the job. Lawrence was a born

fighter, a political heavyweight.

Daniel sat alone at the barbecue. A group gathered in the kitchen to

gossip.

That week hed dyed his hair to look younger but it made no difference.

He walked down the garden and stripped down to a g-string.

The children in the paddling pool fled in terror.

Everyone stared at him.

Whats his problem? someone said.

Daniel jumped into the paddling pool. The water splashed onto the

grass.

Ahoy there, he shouted. Man overboard!


15/52

The Club

You cant come in, the doorman said.

I wasnt in the mood to take no for an answer.

I dont care how much it costs.

The doorman shook his head.

I wanted to party. Id heard great things about this place.

He smiled. You really want to come in?

Absolutely.

He stepped to one side.

Inside, the club was amazing. Some of the people looked like theyd

been in there for weeks. Others looked like they were trying to killthemselves on alcohol and drugs.

I partied all night. By morning I was exhausted. People were being

carried upstairs on stretchers.

Eventually I was so tired I wanted to go home. I made my way to the

exit but the doorman blocked my way.

If you come in, he said, you never leave.


16/52

The Check-Sum

Calibrate your thoughts. Be prepared to change your opinion at any

moment. Maintain an openness to the facts. Verify and go over them.

Repeat this until you are certain. Never become dogmatic about

information. The search for knowledge is not a religion, it is a belief in

the facts.

Everything can be recorded. Everything recordable can be quantified.

Everything quantifiable can be checked for accuracy. It can be checked

by a third-party. It can be rechecked.

*

When I attacked the man I was confused. He had lied to me. He made

me angry. I couldnt help what I did. I lost my reason.

The police took me to an interview room. I refused to tell them

anything. Finally, I told them the truth.


17/52

Afternoon

I didnt want to cause any distress and it is with regret that the

ambulance and the police were required.

Id been celebrating my new job and been a bit over eager with the

drink. The next thing I knew Id stripped off my clothes and I was

running naked through the park.

In an unfortunate coincidence a religious gathering was taking place.

Two women collapsed. One of them was in a state of shock.

A man ran towards me. Youre possessed by a demon, he shouted. I

will extract it from your tormented soul!

A priest or holy man, or whatever he was, tried to stop the guy. They

got into a fight. While everyone watched I put my clothes on.

The ambulance crew took the woman away and the police arrested the

two men.


18/52

HMS Unsinkable

As HMS Unsinkable, the legendary dreadnought of the Imperial British

Navy, listed to one side. The Captain, Henry James Richardson, toyed

with his service revolver. He caressed the hand-grip, which bore the

Latin motto, nil desperandum, or in English, never despair.

HMS Unsinkable and its loyal crew had survived the attack of theminiature robot submarines and the human biplane torpedoes. Now, to

his great sadness, the ship was going to be scrapped.

He was tortured with anguish and this temporarily rendered him insane.

He had ordered the crew off the bridge at gun point and rammed the

ship at full speed into the rocks. Those land-lovers werent going to get

their hands on his beloved HMS Unsinkable.

He surveyed the scene before him - the crew desperately trying to

release the life boats, which he had sabotaged, while others attemptedto break through the bridge door.

All those waiting wives and girlfriends would be rapturously proud of

them.


19/52

Picnic

I remember that day. We were having a picnic when Dean, my closest

friend, approached my fiance with his suggestion.

Dean and I were like brothers. I could have trusted him with my life.

He told my fiance I was being unfaithful. Of course it was a lie - I

adored her.

Worse still, she believed him.

I love you, he said to her. Can I kiss you?

Yes, she replied.

*

I return to the park every summer to picnic with my tortured memories

and foolishly devote myself to a love that has never been.


20/52

Trolley man

I push a trolley around the office. I see the guy with the short hair

talking to the girl with freckles.

I know she likes him. I heard her whisper to one of her friends.

He likes her. I know that because he watches her when she goes to the

water machine.

I see the woman who steals the office coffee by pouring it into zip-loc

bags. She tiptoes to her desk in designer stilettos.

I see the guy who started last week. He paces along the window like a

caged animal.

Every day I push the trolley around the office. No one sees me.

Youre invisible when youre behind a trolley.


21/52

Kiss you

Sometimes, in the blur between sleep and consciousness I dream Im

kissing you. Even if you dont yet exist.

I know for certain youll be alive one day. Instinct tells me.

I cant say for sure. It will probably be when I am dead.

Then it will be your turn. You will have this feeling. The feeling of being

in love with me even though I wont exist.

You will never be able to find me.

I dont know the colour of your eyes or the shade of your hair but if you

were here now, just for one moment, Id lean across and kiss you.


22/52

Waking up as Wittgenstein

I woke up today with a puzzling thought: when does one idea begin

and another end?

I lay in bed thinking about it. The more I thought the more I realised

things begin and end when we choose them too.

When does one entity become that entity? It could be more than one

thing, many things. We interpret concepts - an organisation, an

institution, a body, a planet, a world, a nation, a village, a city, a town, a

school, a shop, a word.

Everything comes down to words. Words are the ultimate concepts.

Its ironic that even mathematicians need them. They need language

and stories to make sense.

I look in the mirror and ask myself: How many reflections do I see?


23/52

Phil Jupiter

They took Phil Jupiter to a party - or rather he took them because he

was driving.

They took him camping. Guess who carried the tent.

The friends wanted to go on holiday. He wanted somewhere quiet, theywanted somewhere loud.

Okay, he agreed.

On holiday, as usual, they made fun of him.

They hired a boat to sail the islands. Phil stayed on deck while they

dipped in the sea.

He spotted a huge shark and he shouted and waved.

But they took no notice, merely laughing at him for having one of his

tantrums.


24/52

Money

If I had enough money I wouldnt need to get up in the morning to make

breakfast. I could hire someone to come round and make if for me.

If I had money I wouldnt need to go shopping because I could get

someone to buy things for me.

I wouldnt need to clean my bathroom or kitchen. I could hire a cleaner

and stay in bed all day.

If I felt like chocolate cake or a glass of campaign Id ring the bell for

service.

If I was rich I wouldnt need to meet my friends. I could pay them to

visit me. I could give them cash to buy me presents.

I could pay someone to write stories while Im in bed drinking

champagne and opening gifts.

I can see it now. Id call up my ghost writer, and say, Write me a short

story called, Money.


25/52

Frank Disturbing

Welcome to the shocking world of Frank Disturbing. He stands on the

corner outside the supermarket smoking a hand-rolled cigarette.

Its only marijuana, he yells. Whats wrong with a puff in the

morning?

He walks to the library and asks, Do you have the Kharma Sutra?

The woman points to the health section.

He goes into the shopping centre and enters a ladies underwear shop.

Im looking for a sexy bra and knickers, he says.

What size?

Oh, different sizes, he replies. Ive got three girlfriends.

He laughs and runs out of the shop.

In the supermarket, he asks, Excuse me, do you stock sheeps

brains?

The assistant shakes his head.

Outside, he walks in front of a road sweeper and drops litter on the

pavement.


26/52

Internet

It was the summer of 1974, the last class of term. The air was hot and

the students wanted to go home.

The science teacher, realising that no serious learning would take

place, invited the students to have a discussion. What science-related

subjects would you like to talk about? he said.

Seeing as they were only nine years old he wasnt expecting much.

One boy spoke about hovercrafts. The second liked rockets. The third

was interested in computers.

I think one day everyone will have computers, the boy said.

The other children laughed.

He boy continued, They will all get connected up so well be able tosee what everyone else is doing. Itll be like a telephone but with

words.

The teacher gestured for the pupil to stop.

The other children laughed again.

Why would an ordinary person need a computer? the teacher asked.

Why would we need to communicate through computers when we

already have telephones? The teacher looked around the class. Does

anyone have a sensible comment this time?


27/52

Deviant

I had to do it. Its an irresistible compulsion I get once in a while. Of

course I play it safe breaking the law incurs punishment.

I usually leave the house after dark. The sodium street lights make my

actions less noticeable.

The rest of my family are safe in bed. Sometimes I think my wife

suspects but Im too afraid to discuss it.

I dont like being branded a freak or a pervert, which is what everyone

calls people like me.

I cant help the way I am.

I sprint down the street. Theres another person doing the same thing.

Our faces are hidden. Its too risky to reveal your identity.

Car headlights appear. I jump into the bushes. The vehicle approaches,

slows and stops. Two policemen get out.

Come out you perverts!

I stay where I am, terrified.

One of the policemen points a flashlight into the bushes. The other

person runs. The policemen wrestle the person to the ground. They cuff

the subject. You are under arrest, the policeman says, for wearing

orange clothing in a public place.


28/52

Hawthorne

Hawthorne was always telling stories about his war experiences.

When walking in a single file on a recon mission always stick to the

middle. The people at the front will be picked out by enemy ambush.

The people at the back will be taken out by a sniper. Always stick to

the middle and never volunteer for anything.

Hawthorne often talked about his war experiences, although no one

was quite sure which war hed fought in.

He claimed hed been in the special forces. Whatever it was it was all

very secret.

He acted like he knew everything about phone bugging and military

surveillance.

But since his military days times had been hard. Hed spent years in

dead end menial jobs and bouts of long-term unemployment. Now he

was looking forward to Armageddon.

Social collapse was around the corner. But he was prepared. And

when the end came he would have the knowledge to survive. He would

no longer be an unemployed loser who made up farfetched stories

because survival would become a full time job.


29/52

One of them

He was writing a novel set in a macabre hotel. It was about how

employees try to impress the management by saying all the right

things. How they get promoted and yet cant do their job properly. How

the ones who keep things running are overlooked.

The hotel was a kind of hell because the guests were randomly taken tothe basement and murdered. Everyone was too afraid of the sadistic

hotel manager to ask questions.

I could see the anger in his face as he explained the story. I guessed

the hotel was just like his workplace - without the killings, I hoped.

Are you outside the system, he asked, or part of it?

Ive got a mortgage, I said. Ive got responsibilities and things to

lose.

He looked disappointed. Its a shame but we all have to grow up in the

end.


30/52

Patrick V Morgan

Patrick V Morgan, special agent, man on a mission. He drinks cocktails

and fine wine. He spends his afternoons in restaurants eating calamari

and chatting up beautiful models.

Hes on an assignment to discover the traitor selling secrets to a

foreign power. Charm and a generous entertainment allowance willuncover the truth.

Its not all socialising with billionaires and gorgeous women. Patrick V

Morgan is a man of action. He is persistent in the face of terrible odds.

Part man, part myth - always a legend. Patrick V Morgan is loyal and

faithful (at least to his country). Any mission he takes on, he gives his it

best. He is willing to give his life for the cause and the mystery

surrounding him makes for great after dinner conversation.


31/52

Custers last stand

Custer likes to go out at night and meet lovely women. They cant resist

him flashing his shiny white teeth and dazzling personality. He claims

he has a pilots licence and runs marathons.

Hes clever enough not to use cheesy chat up lines. Hes the master of

eye contact and body language. He owns a book called, ThePsychology of Sexual Behaviour.

At first women think hes glamorous. He never talks about his job as a

supervisor on a food production line. He lets them talk about

themselves or tells them about his time living in California.

He likes being invited back to their place. His shared flat is hardly

impressive. When they do stay there he tells them hes the landlord.

They leave in the morning, regret posted on their face like a parking

ticket.


32/52

The bath

There was a knock on the bathroom door.

Im in here, I said, thinking it was my wife.

A man walked in. Good morning, he said, sitting on the edge of the

bath.

I looked up at him, shocked.

Who the hell are you?

Im a passing friend, he said, casually.

What are you doing in here?

He shook his head. Theres something in the bath.

I could feel something moving by my toes but I couldnt see what it wasbecause of the bubble bath.

Then it happened. This hideous looking creature jumped out of the

water and onto my lap. It had a face like an alien with needle teeth. I

threw the shampoo. It missed.

The monster came at me again. I punched its head and it fell into the

water like a brick.

I stood up and screamed, Get out of my house or youre next.


33/52

The hit

My superior officer said, Your assignment is to assassinate the

president.

Yes, Sir, I replied.

My commander gave me a folder. The president will be addressing the

nation at a televised meeting. You will assassinate him before he

begins his speech. Do you understand?

Yes, Sir.

There I was with my rifle all set up and the crowd roaring as the mayor

got up onto the podium to introduce the President.

I aimed the rifle. The cross hairs were perfectly between his eyes.

Suddenly, the view through the sights went fuzzy. I saw rioting, police

beating up protesters, shootings - terrible things.

I blinked.

The President was back in my sights again. Everything was back to

normal. The crowd was still cheering.

As I took aim and my vision went blurry again. I saw people in the

streets being lined up and executed by the police.

I shook my head and rubbed my face. When I looked through the sights

again Id missed my chance.

Then the realisation hit me - I was a dead man.


34/52

The lover

He woke every night at 3.00am and went to his computer.

He managed to do with without waking his wife.

Each night he chatted by text to his lover.

They had never met and he had never seen her picture but he waspassionately in love.

One day his wife woke up. She went downstairs she saw him on the

computer.

Although furious, she quickly and silently went back to bed and

pretended to be asleep.

The next morning she logged onto his computer and struck up a

conversation, pretending to be her husband.

The conversation was childish and trivial. She became suspicious and

plucked up the courage to ask a question.

Are you a bot or are you human? she asked.

Whats the difference?


35/52

The job

I get an interview. The woman from HR shows me to a computer. Its a

multiple choice test. When Im done she comes over and asks how Id

feel about working for the company.

Then she shows me a confidentiality agreement and asks me to sign.

I read through it and its mostly innocuous stuff about keeping

company secrets. But there are one of two paragraphs that get my

attention. I need the job so I sign it anyway.

I turn up for work. Im doing basic admin and Im getting well paid for it.

Im laughing.

Then I start seeing things in the documents Im processing, things that

disturb me. I cant get them out of my head.

Im reading material thats so disturbing Im in a state of shock.

One morning I get up and walk out - I cant even tell you why.


36/52

The wreck

We used to meet in the woods, at the Wreck. The Wreck was an old

Ford resting on concrete blocks. That was our place.

The four of us had pledged an oath of loyalty when we were nine.

Two of us left the small town, two remained.

I went back to take a look at the old place. I was surprised how small it

seemed. I took the path behind the supermarket and went into the

woods. To my delight the clearing was still there and so was the Wreck.

The windows had been smashed in. The body work had been dented

and sprayed with graffiti. Someone had set it alight.

The innocence had gone.


37/52

Coffee break

They stand outside the back door. Some of them smoke, others drink

coffee. I dont know what they do all day they just stand and talk.

Theres always something to talk about a new procedure or a

manager thats causing problems.

I told you so.

They nod in agreement.

They stand there are share their frustrations.

They never liked the guy who got promoted. He was always sucking up

to the manager.

Look at Colin!

Ah, bless ... I remember him as a boy.

How times change.

It used to be better years ago. The milk tasted like milk not like water.

Now everyone is obsessed with mobile phones.

They gossip about people as they come and go knowing that theyll still

be there in ten years time.


38/52

Roger Corbitt

Roger Corbitt heard a muffled voice. He shrugged and kept on walking.

Then he heard it again.

Roger, it said. Is that you? Why dont you stop for a moment and

speak to me.

Roger laughed out. Either he was hearing things or there was a voice

coming from the pavement.

He bent down but there was nothing there.

Hey! Im here, the voice said. It sounded close by. Down here!

Roger examined his shoe.

Yes, in here, he voice said. Take off your shoe.

Roger did as the voice suggested. He expected to see a little person in

his shoe but it was empty.

Well done, the voice said.

He put the shoe to his ear.

A hand shot out, grabbed his ear and pulled his head inside. When it

came out it wasnt Roger Corbitt.


39/52

The book of clich

He arrived in his BMW and checked the time on his Rolex.

Hed been having a secret affair with his secretary. Shed just left the

guy she met on holiday the previous summer.

Last Thursday evening he was in a bar with a woman drinking

cocktails. She spoke about her job as a lawyer and her two year old

daughter Tiffany. The daughters father was in the army, he and his

partner had been separated for a while. When he was at training camp

one of the recruits didnt make it through. That man became a heroin

addict.

The addicts brother was a successful businessman and ran a chain of

restaurants. His wife used to work as a model. Her father liked good

food and wine. He died of a heart attack on holiday in Spain.

The man who pulled the body from the pool slept with a woman whose

husband was in the British army. The child grew up, went to art school,

became a painter and paid the bills by working evenings in a

restaurant.


40/52

Managing the situation

They wear suits. They sit in the back of cars checking their email.

They are imagining situations, which could pose a threat.

They share their frustrations by phone.

I see them talking about their house in France, skiing holidays andsports car insurance.

Their other phone rings. Its the one for their private life.

Its nothing personal. It just didnt work out between us.

People dont understand how tough it is when you call the shots.


41/52

Federico

Federico picked his nose and out popped something unusual. When he

examined it he was amazed to see a diamond.

He couldnt believe his luck.

He put his finger up his nose and felt around again. There it was -

another one and this one was twice the size!

There was something else up there. He felt inside his right nostril. There

was defiantly something there but it was too big to pull out with his

finger.

He went and fetched tweezers.

His first attempt to dislodge the object was unsuccessful. Whatever it

was, it was huge. The bulge in his nose was enormous.

To his disappointment out popped a childs shoe.


42/52

Numbers

Numbers were the only thing he believed in. Sometimes he wished he

was a mathematical manifestation. That way he could take any shape

or form by recalculating himself into a new possibility.

He met a woman who worked in a home for unwanted animals. They

had some pet ants that needed a home.

He admired the precision of ants. If he studied them he might be able

to deduce some kind of pattern.

The idea of him owning insects made her laugh.

He felt a strange attraction to the woman. It was the first thing he had

ever experienced which he could not put a number on.

Years later she asked him, What did you think the first time I said, I

love you?

He replied, It felt like infinity.


43/52

Love can find you, digitally

Christopher Johnson got an email from a woman hed never heard of:

I have a dream where I am standing in the kitchen and I am holding an

apple. My husband comes into the kitchen and we make breakfast

together. We eat waffles with honey.

I am sad because I have never been happy. Now I am happy and life is

like my dream.

Before I was tired of routine. Now I am free. I have great feelings for the

future because I am pregnant with my husbands baby. I long for it to

be born so that I can carry it and love it. We have a house and a room

for the baby. This is my dream. It is a beautiful dream.

But its only a dream.

I am lonely. I look out of the window waiting for him. But my husband

never arrives. I am bored of waiting. I am bored of the routine.

I have another dream. I dream that my message will reach you. You will

come to me because you are tired and lonely. I am open to love.

Reply to this email and I will write back to you very soon. I want to hear

what you have to say.


44/52

Train

Sometimes I sit on the train hoping I dont get the dream. I commute to

work by train and often doze off.

Once I had a dream that I awoke at my desk. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I was paranoid that something was wrong because my co-workers

were giving me strange looks.

I carried on with my work but they continued to stare. The whole thing

made me uneasy.

Then I realised that I was wearing my pyjamas.

Today Im determined that Im not going to fall asleep. I had a strong

coffee for breakfast.

Half way there and Im yawning.

I cant help myself. My eyelids start to close.

IM NOT GOING TO SLEEP!

Maybe just a short knap.

My eyes close. I cant help it ...

*

I open my eyes and Im exactly where I am.


45/52

The cure

I was late for work when I jumped into the shower. I tried out my new

bottle of Blueberrys Shower and Shampoo gel. I washed my face and I

was delighted by the fresh scent. My skin felt alive and tingling. It was

an amazing feeling. I used it on my body and it was the first time Id felt

really clean in ages.

I used it on my hair. The patented Super Cleaning Action formulae

sorted out my dandruff. My hair looked soft and shiny.

This stuff is wonderful, I thought. Ive never seen anything like it.

I used the Blueberrys patented action power to clean the bath. It came

out perfect.

I tried some on the sink. The grubby marks around the plug came off

without a fuss.

I was so impressed I used it on the kitchen surfaces. They came out

sparkling.

Then I wiped the floor tiles. They looked like new.

I ran outside and cleaned the car. The Blueberrys gave it a superb

waxy sheen.

Then I noticed that the road looked lacklustre. I got the Blueberrys out

and in no time the tarmac was looking great.


46/52

Simon

Simon had long hair, styled greasy like a rocker. He wore the same

clothes all week.

He spent his days travelling on the Underground defacing

advertisement posters - inking the eyes in red or blacking out glistening

white teeth.

You dont understand, he told me. Its all lies and crap.

Life is more complicated, I would reply.

He would shake his head. You dont get it!

I never got the chance to tell him, Simon, youre the one who doesnt

get it.


47/52

The cinema

Bret walked into the cinema to watch his favourite film for the eighth

time. He couldnt help speaking out the dialogue.

The other people in the cinema told him to shut up. Finally, someone

complained to the manager and he was asked to leave.

He stood outside the cinema reciting the rest of the film, perfectly in

sync.

The whole thing was odd because the character in the film gets thrown

out of a cinema for doing the same thing.

A woman walked past and scowled. What are you so happy about?

Life, he replied.

This was even more bizarre because this happened in the film too.

A man passed by with a small dog.

Just like in the film.

No similar coincidences happened to Bret for the rest of his life.


48/52

Escalator

It was raining hard by the time I left work. I usually finish at about

7.00pm. Most of my colleagues leave at 5.00.

Its a few minutes walk to the Underground. Id forgotten my umbrella

so I pulled my coat tight around my neck.

I took the Tube to Waterloo station. My mood was somewhat

melancholic. I have an aversion to the winter months.

The business I work for has been going through a difficult patch. Its

been a bit of a slog to be honest. Every month our department

anxiously waits to see if we hit our target. It used to be different. At

least, I think it used to be different.

I was going up the escalator at Waterloo station when I saw her.

She looked the same.

All my melancholy fell away.

I prayed the escalator would stop but it didnt. I wanted to call out her

name - I couldnt.

I dont think she saw me.


49/52

The Land of First Served

You dont get second chances in The Land of First Come First Served.

That was why I emigrated to No Worries. But they threw me out when I

got anxious.

I ended up in Tough Luck. The people there were mean and everyone

had a pitiful story. I did time in Rock Bottom.

I took a train ride to New Beginning. It seemed like the perfect place for

a fresh start. I got a job and met a woman. Things were turning out

better. I got positive about my life. I had the potential to be somebody. I

woke up in the morning and couldnt help smiling. For the first time in

ages I knew where I was going.

I got promoted at work. My manager thanked me for my outstanding

contribution.

I could tell from my wifes eyes that I was the most loved man in the

world.

I put in an application for Happy Ending but they sent back a refusal. In

the land of First Come First Served you dont get second chances.


50/52

The phone call

I was in the bath when the phone rang. It was my ex-girlfriend.

Were breaking up, she said. I cant do this anymore.

We broke up two years ago, I said.

What do you mean we broke up two years ago? Have you beencheating on me all this time?

Im engaged, I said. I have a fianc. Everyone knows that. Why do

you insist on calling me?

The line went silent.

I cant believe you cheated on me!

We broke up two years ago, I reminded her. I can do what I like.

She hung up.

I got back in the bath.

She had really annoyed me but at the same time I was worried about

her. This was the third time shed called like this. If my fianc found out

she would go berserk.

The phone rang again.

Yes?

Thats it, my ex said. Were finished. Dont ever call me again.


51/52

The temptation

I went out for a drink with some friends. I was at that point in life with

so many choices to make about where I was going.

A man from work spotted me and came over.

How are things, he said, pulling out a chair.

So, so

He smiled.

Whats so funny? I said.

You.

Why am I funny?

Why do you hang out with losers?

I looked at him, puzzled.

Dont you know how to play the game? he said.

What game?

He gestured to my friends. You could be like them or you could be like

me.


52/52

Snow

I sat at my desk unable to focus. I couldnt believe I was really there. It

was like I didnt exist anymore.

The clock said 3.24am. I didnt know what to do. Even though my mind

was blank I felt anxious.

I was thinking about her. I went to the room she called her studio and

switched on the light. I stared at the floor, like I was expecting to

see something. There was nothing there. The room smelt of paint. Two

of her canvasses were on easels. I couldnt look at them.

I ran to the front door. I needed to get out of there. The moon was out

and I could see clearly. An owl hooted in the distance. Then it

was silent.

I walked down the road. It was cold and I felt alone. Each step made a

loud crunching sound in the fresh snow.

Someone had made a snowman. I looked at it, it looked at me. Neither

of us said anything.

The park lay ahead. The tennis courts were snowed over.

I kept walking. All I could hear was the sound of my footsteps in the

snow. It would melt soon enough and by morning my footprints would

be gone.

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