‘TW Training Works’The Power of Apology PP1

Why ‘Apology’ in mediation & why now? One size doers not fit all ‘Haynesian’ taboo on emotion & the past Historical emphasis on mediation as ‘different’ Limits on expression of emotion to ‘venting’ &

key stages Hypothesis about what prevents some clients

reaching ‘agreement’ or ‘closure’ Increased awareness of cultural and gender

differences

‘TW Training Works’‘Trust Bonds’ PP2

Trust - Firm belief in someone..a hope or expectation; place reliance on; have confidence; hope; believe in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of”.

Bond – “to tie or fasten things together; a force or feeling that unites people; a binding agreement; a strong force of attraction; be joined securely”. [COD]

‘TW Training Works’The Power of Apology PP3

Apology in Mediation: Apology is not about - problem-solving or

negotiation – but about a ‘ritual exchange of words that may enable closure’

Where one party feels injured by the other there is often a felt need for acceptance of harm done & of personal responsibility for the injury inflicted – via an apology.

[Carl Schneider 2000]

‘TW Training Works’The Power of Apology PP4

What is an Apology?

“A regretful acknowledgement of an offence or failure” {Concise Oxford}

“To acknowledge & express regret for a fault without defence” {OED}

‘TW Training Works’The Power of Apology PP5

What are the 3 Key Elements of Apology?

1. Acknowledgement: The humbling ritual whereby the wrongdoer can

symbolically bring themselves low – often a language of ‘begging for forgiveness’.

A recognition of injury that has damaged bonds between the offending & offended party

[Carl Schneider 2000]

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2. Affect: To truly accept responsibility the

offender must also be visibly affected & troubled by what s/he has done – they must genuinely feel and show regret & shame.

[Carl Schneider 2000]

‘TW Training Works’The Power of Apology PP7

3. Vulnerability: More than anything else it is vulnerability that

colours apology The offender risks vulnerability by offering

apology - without defence - & knowing that the apology may be refused

The offended person may feel that - although acknowledged – the offence is simply unforgivable.

[Carl Schneider 2000]

‘TW Training Works’The Power of Apology PP8

Apology in Mediation -Where there is a potential for apology in mediation clients may need assistance

for various reasons – For the would be apologiser: Will I be able to find the right words? Will it be rejected so that I lose face? Will it be used against me in the negotiations? Will it be reciprocated – where the other side has

also offended against me?[From Carl Schneider 2000]

‘TW Training Works’The Power of Apology PP9

For the injured party: Am I prepared to consider fully accepting an

apology – would it help me/the situation? Is the time right or are emotions still too raw? How will I know it is really meant & not just a

trick to get them off the hook? Will it mean that what happened and all the hurt

that I feel did not matter?[From Carl Schneider 2000]

‘TW Training Works’Forgiveness PP10

What is Forgiveness? “Forgiveness is a process in which a person lets go

of feelings of revenge and his or her right to retaliate against the other person. With few exceptions, forgiveness is not equated with forgetting what happened. Nor is forgiveness equated with the immediate restoration of trust. Forgiveness is generally conceived as a process through which people get on with their lives after experiencing some hurt.

‘TW Training Works’ PP 11

Forgiveness does not mean:that we tolerate the wrong that someone did to us.That we want to forget what happened.That we excuse the person who did it.That we take the edge off the evil that was done to us.That we surrender our right to justice.That we invite someone who hurt us to hurt us once again.

[based on - Michael Henderson]

‘TW Training Works’Forgiveness – PP12

Forgiveness Quotes:

“Forgiveness is not just some nebulous, vague idea that one can easily dismiss. It has to do with uniting people through practical politics. Without forgiveness there is no future.” [Desmond Tutu]

“Always forgive your enemies: nothing annoys them so much.” [Oscar Wilde]

‘TW Training Works’The Power of Apology 13

“The pain of wounded feelings is real to the mind” “nevertheless..{research}.. evidence suggests that

some of the same neural machinery may also be involved in the experience of pain associated with social separation or rejection. This study suggests that social pain is analogous in its neurocognitive function to the physical pain” {The Times 10th October 2003}