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Turning Conflict into Collaboration Max Gage, ATW Training & Consulting Employee Management Conference November 2011

Responses to Conflict

NOTES:

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Steps to Dealing with Conflict

Start with a good

approach

Set ground rules

Use “I” statements

Be accountable

State what you need

clearly and firmly

Get agreement

Schedule some

type of follow-up

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Steps To Dealing With Conflict - What Does It Sound Like? The following tables provide examples of phrases or conversation starters you may choose to use during a conflict resolution

process. Can you think of additional words or phrases that would work well? How would you adapt the words to your conflict

situation?

Conflict Resolution Step Possible Starters Possible Responses

Everyone tells it like they see it

Step 1 draws on your active listening

skills. You may need to set some ground

rules with your conflict partner such as:

no interrupting

permission to take notes

It is key to ask for the dialogue (i.e., “Is

this a good time to talk?”)

I’ve noticed your_____ behavior toward me

lately, specifically _____. Can we talk about

that?

I’m wondering if something is wrong between

us. Do you sense it? Can you tell me what you

think is happening?

I think we may have gotten off to a rough start.

Can we discuss what’s happened?

I’ve been reflecting about the way we work

together. I would like your input.

First, let me clarify what I’m hearing.

You’re saying that I’ve _____ and that

makes you feel _____?

From my perspective, it all started when

_____

I’m glad you approached me. I think we

need to get to the bottom of this.

I’d like to understand your position.

Could you explain it to me?

Everything is put on the table

Keep it responsible with “I” statements

and avoid direct blame.

Be accountable for your actions.

I was somewhat frustrated when you_____

I look at that in a different way than you do.

Here’s my perspective.

Here are some examples of times when you

_____. Can you see how that made me feel

_____?

May I tell you my side of the story? I

think that will help you see how I was

feeling

I never knew what I was doing was

offending you. So, when you responded

by _____, I felt _____.

Wow. When I hear it put that way, I

realize I need to make some changes in

my behavior. Would you agree that you

could also change _____?

Focus on the Future

State what you need clearly and firmly.

Get an agreement on specifics.

Schedule some type of follow-up.

Now that we both know each other’s side, can

we make a list of items we can agree to change?

We don’t have to be best friends, but we do

have to work together effectively. Can we agree

that I will stop/start doing _____ and you will

stop start doing _____?

We’ve agreed that our behaviors are

bothersome to each other and we’ve discussed

what we need to change. Let’s meet again in a

week to measure our progress.

There may be some things we simply

have to agree to disagree upon, and

others we can change to improve the

situation.

Let’s not avoid issues like this when they

arise again. We’ve worked through this

conflict. I think we can work through our

issues in the future.

Are you open to helping each other

improve? If we see each other falling

into our conflict behaviors, can we agree

to give each other that feedback?

TIP: The above conflict resolution steps may or may not occur in one isolated conversation. It may be a series of

interactions with your conflict partner.

3

2

1

Copyright 2011, ATW Training & Consulting

Steps to Resolve Conflict

Instructions: In the space provided, write what you will discuss in each of the steps during a future conflict resolution process. As you prepare for your discussion, consider your approach, and how you will demonstrate your intentions.

Conflict Resolution Discussion with:

Date:

1 Everyone tells it like they see it

○ What will I say to start the discussion? (Consider the source of conflict and the approach you selected.)

○ What questions will I ask to draw out the other person’s perspective of the conflict? (And help them discuss from the appropriate response.)

○ What will I do to remind myself to actively listen, and avoid interrupting to share my perspective?

○ How will I paraphrase or summarize what I have heard?

○ How will I ensure the other person has shared all of their thoughts and concerns?

○ What will I say to transition to the next step?

2 Everything is put on the table

○ What will I say to share my understanding of the conflict? (Remember your approach style.)

○ What will I say to myself to keep my emotions in check? (For example, to ensure I don’t sound defensive, angry, frustrated, etc.)

○ To stay objective versus subjective, what facts, observations, specific feedback can I provide?

○ What can I say/ask to ensure the other person has heard what I have shared?

○ What will I say to transition to the next step?

3 Focus on the future

○ What will I ask to get commitment from the other person to work out a solution?

○ What can I say/ask to brainstorm ideas, then negotiate for an action plan to resolve our conflict?

○ Once we decide on a plan, what will I say to ensure specific actions are carried out by all parties?

○ How will I ensure follow-up? When will we follow-up?

○ What will I say to strengthen the relationship between parties?