Things you can do Bob Baynham Educational Psychologist 1
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Recap on bullying What are your options? The middle way
Principles Techniques Group work / discussion 2
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Just take it and do nothing It will happen again What is the
effect on you? May be justifiable as a positive stance of faith,
but... For conscience toward God, endure grief, suffering
wrongfully 1 Peter 2/17 turn the other cheek Matthew 5/39 Love your
enemies Matthew 5/44-46 3
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Give as good as you get Standing up to the bully? What is the
effect on you? May be justifiable as a positive stance of faith God
gets angry why cant we? Be angry and do not sin Ephesians 4/26-27
Be not quick... to become angry Ecclesiastes 7/7-9 Leads to bad
feeling and perhaps worse 4
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Make a complaint A last resort Acts 6/1 What is the effect on
you? Follow the scriptural pattern Matthew 18/15-17 Take personal
responsibility Find allies Take it to your manager or HR Make sure
its about problem-solving not retribution 5
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Taking personal responsibility Resolution not retribution
Assertiveness the Goldilocks option Not passive Not aggressive
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Video examples 7
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What did you hear? Tone of voice Coherence Lack of confidence
What did you see? Body language Eyes Body Position 8
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Passive Reluctant to express own opinions, and feelings Often
feels used by others Refrains from complaining Finds it difficult
to refuse the requests of others Acquiesces in the views and
desires of the majority Is submissive in the presence of aggressive
behavior Frequently makes compromises for harmony 9
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Fear of rejection Fear of upsetting others Feeling responsible
Inappropriate inner voices Passive Reasons 10
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Aggressive Frequently argues with others Frequently gets angry
Easily and frequently finds fault with others No difficulty in
complaining when receiving poor quality Expects others to
accommodate own schedules Continually works to personal agendas at
others expense Rarely feels aware of the needs or feelings of
others 11
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Disregard the needs of others Think as superior beings
Childhood emotional trauma Over-correction of being too passive
Aggressive Reasons Satisfying their own needs Inappropriate dealing
with anger 12
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Work with the people next to you (twos and threes). What are
the characteristics of assertiveness? Flipchart feedback 13
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A guaranteed way to win every argument A guaranteed Way to get
what you want A way to get others to feel like you feel or think
like you think Telling everyone everything all the time 14
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Lack of assertiveness leads to Depression: feeling helpless
with no control over your life Resentment: anger at others for
taking advantage of you Frustration: why did I let that happen
Temper: if you can't express anger appropriately it can build up to
temper outbursts Anxiety: you may avoid certain situations which
make you feel uncomfortable Relationships: when individuals can't
tell each other what they want Stress: stress can have a negative
impact on the body 15
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People understand you better Helps have better Relationships
with others Reduces stress Minimizes any unpleasantness Makes you
feel better about yourself Assertiveness is a valuable skill in
career progression Able to adapt to changing social and
professional environments - transferrable Doesnt leave you with bad
feelings 16
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Respect yourself Confront the situation dont ignore it Take
responsibility for your thoughts and actions Choice not reaction
Clear, honest communication Equality of respect / rights Understand
the other persons needs Problem solving / negotiation Use it
appropriately 17
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PassiveAssertiveAggressive StyleNot expressing needs
Self-devaluing Waiting to be led Honest, open, direct Recognises
own rights Listens to others needs Domineering, insisting Win /
lose Not listening Non-verbal behaviour Small posture Quiet,
hesitant voice Little eye contact Upright, balanced pose Firm,
clear voice Steady eye contact Interrupting Loud Staring, pointing
LanguageSorry to bother you I cant seem to Its only my opinion I
believe/need/Id like No (when appropriate) Open questions That wont
work You cant be serious Your problem / fault 18
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Respect yourself Confront the situation dont ignore it Take
responsibility for your thoughts and actions Choice not reaction
Clear, honest communication Equality of respect / rights Understand
the other persons needs Problem solving / negotiation Use it
appropriately 19
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20 You shall love your neighbour as yourself Matthew 19/19
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To be safe To feel To express To say No To make mistakes To be
angry To dignity To decide To change mind To Assert And
responsibilities 21
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Respect yourself Confront the situation dont ignore it Take
responsibility for your thoughts and actions Choice not reaction
Clear, honest communication Equality of respect / rights Understand
the other persons needs Problem solving / negotiation Use it
appropriately 22
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Daniel 1/5, 8-16 23
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Respect yourself Confront the situation dont ignore it Take
responsibility for your thoughts and actions Choice not reaction
Clear, honest communication Equality of respect / rights Understand
the other persons needs Problem solving / negotiation Use it
appropriately 24
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Ecclesiastes 3 1. For everything there is a season, and a time
for every matter under heaven: 7. a time to keep silence, and a
time to speak; 25
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Positive self-affirmation Rehearse Speak to the bully Use I
statements Body language Dont get side-tracked Negative enquiry
Negative assertion Fogging Broken record 26
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I am a competent and confident person I have skills and
experience People listen to what I have to say At meetings I make a
significant contribution I am independent of the approval of others
I can always find opportunities in situations of change I am
creating my desired future Some of these affirmations may appeal,
others may not. Develop a set for yourself 27
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I am what I am I am loved by God and his son, the Lord Jesus
Christ I am a sweet savour of Christ to all I meet In loving myself
I love others I am continually developing to be more like Jesus In
giving I achieve more I am open to the opportunities this day
brings Some of these affirmations may appeal, others may not.
Develop a set for yourself 28
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Positive self-affirmation Rehearse Speak to the bully Use I
statements Body language Dont get side-tracked Negative enquiry
Negative assertion Fogging Broken record 29
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If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault,
between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained
your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others
along with you, that every charge may be established by the
evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to
them, tell it to the church. Matthew 18/15-17 30
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I Statements 1. I statements are among the most powerful you
can make, both for yourself and others 2. In I statements you are
affirming who you are and what you want. I statements can be used
in a variety of ways: Situation Interpretation and understanding
Feelings and emotions Wants and needs Future actions Using them is
the hallmark of assertiveness 31
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Eye Contact -Passive uses very little -Aggressive never drops
eye contact -Assertive person uses about 50 % of the time Voice
Tone -Non Assertive : Too Soft, Hard to hear -Aggressive: Too Loud
-Assertive: effective tone modulation Posture -Passive: Fold in
themselves and make small fidgets. -Aggressive: Confront and stand
up. Assertive: Stand up tall straight. Position and Space -Respect
keeping on the same level. -Sit down if the other is. -Stand up
when the other is. -keep arms distance Facial Expression -Face
should reflect the emotion being expressed. -I am Angry needs
serious expression. Delighted needs a happy expression 32
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Negative Enquiry Enquiry is real fun. You invite extra
criticism and/or examples so that you have the benefit of
additional feedback. ACCUSATION Youre lazy Youre always late Youre
stupid Youre selfish REPLY Oh really, in what way? Always? How do
you know that for a fact? My understanding may be different from
yours, what exactly do you mean by that? Can you explain why this
particular instance has caused you to brand me with such a label?
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Negative Assertion 1.When people call us names, or give us
negative labels, we usually wish to defend ourselves 2. Aggressive
or manipulative people who do this to us soon find our weak spots.
3. Negative assertion is like jujitsu where you use the power of
your protagonist to turn the situation to your advantage 4. No one
is perfect, so in negative assertion All you do is accept the part
of the that is true, in a matter of fact way Look at the examples:
If you think that, you must be stupid You: I admit Im not the
brightest person around And you are always making mistakes You:
Yes, I do make mistakes occasionally 34
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Fogging Fogging involves using words that acknowledge the other
person's point of view, and accepting that it might be true under
some circumstances, but without necessarily accepting it is true of
you. Fogging is particularly powerful if you are able to restate
the other person's opinion in a way that could be true of anyone or
everyone, e.g. "You're always making mistakes" We all make
mistakes." 35
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Broken Record 1.Repeat yourself again and again and again,
until the person gives in or concedes to your demands. 2. Most
people capitulate after you repeat yourself three times. Broken
record is particularly useful when: Dealing with those in authority
You are not getting what you are entitled to Dealing with people
brighter or more fluent than you The other person is likely to use
put-downs Because you just have to repeat yourself, broken record
is really easy to use. 36
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EXAMPLE You: The program was not up to standard, and we did not
cover all the elements said in the brochure so I want a refund.
Reply: Other people have not complained, in fact some of the
evaluations are excellent. You: They might be, but I want a refund
because the work was not up to standard. Reply: In my opinion as a
course tutor the course was up to standard. You: I can appreciate
that is your opinion but I want a refund. Reply: It is not our
policy to give refunds. You: That may be your policy but I want a
refund. Broken Record 37
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John 9 1. I went and washed and received my sight (v11) 2. I
washed, and I see (v15) 3. I was blind, now I see (v25) 4. I have
told you already (v27) 5. And yet he opened my eyes (v30) 6.
Never..has it been heard that anyone opened the eyes of a man born
blind (v32) 38
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Work with the people next to you (twos and threes). Watch the
scenario 39
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Revisit our earlier flipchart What would we add or take away?
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An honest, direct, and appropriate expression of one's
feelings, thoughts, and beliefs Assertiveness is the ability to
communicate your needs, feelings, opinions, and beliefs in an open
and honest manner without violating the rights of others 41