“Ifexcessiveworryaffectsthequalityofyourlife,youoweittoyourselftogetacopyofTheWorryTrickbyDavidCarbonell.Awiseandcaringteacher,Carbonellexplainswhytheold,timewornstrategiestoconquerworrydon’t

workverywell,andwhyourbestattemptstogetridofworryendupfallingflat.InTheWorryTrick,Carbonellteachesstrategiesthatwillmostlikelybenewtoyou,andworkamazinglywell.Writinginastylethatisbothentertainingandeasytounderstand,Carbonelluseshiswrysenseofhumortogreatadvantage.AsIreadthebook,Imarkedmanysectionsthatprovidedvaluabletoolsandinsights,andothersthatmademesmileorlaughoutloud.Iespeciallylikedhiscommentthatourstrong-willedattemptsto‘stopworrying’arelike‘tryingtograbagreasedpigonice!’So,ifworryisaffectingyourlife,don’tmissouton

thesolutions—andyes,thefun—youwillfindinTheWorryTrick.”—NealSideman,self-helpadvocate,internationallyknowncoachand

teacherforpeoplerecoveringfromanxietydisorder,memberoftheAnxietyandDepressionAssociationofAmerica(ADAA),andformercochairoftheADAA

PublicEducationCommittee

“Finally,someonehaswrittenabookaboutworrythatIcangivetomyclientsthatI’mcertainwillbehelpfultothemastheystruggletobetter

understandanddealwiththeirconstantworrying.Soverymanyofmyclientsworryconstantlyandhavesearchedinvainfortoolsandtechniquestohelpthem,butnowDaveCarbonellhasgiventhemwhattheywerelookingfor—atreasurechestoftipsandideasforhandlingworry.Thisisaneminently

readablebookthatI’msureIwillrecommendtomanyofmyclientsforyearstocome.”

—RobertW.McLellarn,PhD,founderanddirectoroftheAnxietyandPanicTreatmentCenter,LLC,inPortland,OR

“ThisisthebestbookonworryIhaveread.Ithasallyouneedtoputanendtoongoing,painful,toxicworry.Carbonellspeaksinaclear,witty,no-nonsensestyle,andexplainswhyyouhavebeenunabletocontainworrysofar.Hegivesa

comprehensiveexplanationofwhytheworrytrickhasfooledyouintoinadvertentlykeepingworryalive,evenwhenyouaretryingsohardtomakeitgoaway.Readthisbookifyouareaworrier,ifyouwanttohelpalovedone

whoisaworrier,orifyouareaprofessionaltreatingaworryingclient.Thereisnomagiccureforendingworry—ittakeseffortandagoodbitofcourage,andit

nomagiccureforendingworry—ittakeseffortandagoodbitofcourage,anditiseasytoloseyourway.Thisbookisaflawlessroadmap.”

—MartinSeif,PhD,founderoftheAnxietyandDepressionAssociationofAmerica(ADAA),associatedirectorattheAnxietyandPhobiaTreatmentCenteratWhitePlainsHospital,creatorofFreedomtoFly,andcoauthorof

WhatEveryTherapistNeedstoKnowAboutAnxietyDisorders

“Thankyou,Dave,forwritingsuchatreasureofabookforthosestrugglingwithanxietyandout-of-controlworry.WorryhasawayofconvincingthoseexperiencingitthatitisVERYSERIOUSandIMPORTANTandmustbe

immediatelyattendedto.Thekeytofreeingoneselffromworryislearninghowtorelatetoitfromanewperspective.Thisfabulousbook,TheWorryTrick,teachesreadershowtomovepastworrybyofferingsimple,easy-to-implementtechniques.Iplanonrecommendingittoallofmyclientswhostrugglewith

uncomfortable,out-of-controlworrying.”—DebraKissen,PhD,MHSA,clinicaldirectoratLightonAnxietyTreatmentCenter,andcoauthorofThePanicWorkbookforTeens

“Haveyoueverthoughtofyourselfashavingarelationshipwithworry?InTheWorryTrick,DavidCarbonellturnsworryintocharacters—Uncle

Argumentorevenaflatworm—sothatitbecomespossibletofigureoutwhattodoand,mostimportantly,howtochangethatrelationship.Withalivelysenseofhumor,Carbonelloffersvividimagesandanalogiestohelpreadersunderstandanddosomethingaboutchangingthatrelationshipwithworry.Inmyworkonmentalskillsforoptimalperformancewithathletes,performingartists,andbusinessexecutives,weoftenaddressissuesofperformanceanxiety.After

readingTheWorryTrick,Istartedusingmanyconceptswithclients;it’sabookthatIwillstronglyencouragemyclientstoreadaswell.”

—KateF.Hays,PhD,CPsych,CC-AASP,founderofThePerformingEdgeinToronto,ON,Canada;andpastpresidentoftheSocietyforSport,

Exercise,andPerformancePsychology

“No‘tricks’here!Carbonell’sbookischock-fullofadvicebasedonthetwo

leadingevidence-basedpsychologicaltreatments(cognitivebehavioraltherapyandacceptanceandcommitmenttherapy)foranxietyandworry.Hepresentsconceptsderivedfromthesetreatmentsinanextremelyeasy-to-digestmanner,usingimaginativemetaphorsandclearexamplesfromhisclinicalpracticetohelpillustratethem.ThismakesTheWorryTrickanexcellentoption—eitherasastand-aloneresourceorasanadjuncttotreatment—forpeoplestrugglingwithchronicworry,aswellasforprovidersinterestedinbroadeningtheirknowledge

andskillsattreatingit.”—SimonA.Rego,PsyD,ABPP,ACT,directorofpsychologytrainingand

thecognitivebehavioraltherapy(CBT)trainingprogramatMontefioreMedicalCenter,andassociateprofessorofclinicalpsychiatryandbehavioralsciencesat

AlbertEinsteinCollegeofMedicineinNewYork,NY

“Highlyaccessiblewithaminimumofjargonand‘psychobabble,’Carbonell’snewbookwillbenefitworriersofallstripes—fromoccasionalruminatorstochronicallyanxiousindividualswithobsessive-compulsive

disorder(OCD)orsocial,illness,orgeneralizedanxietydisorder(GAD).TheWorryTrickiswritteninanengaging,conversationalstylewithabundant

compassionandaterrificsenseofhumor.Theauthorusescleveranalogiesandmetaphorstosimplifyandbringtolifescientificallybasedpsychologicalconceptsandinterventions.Histonereflectsdecadesofclinicalexperiencehelpinganxiouspeoplebuildcopingskillstoachieveamorebalancedperspectiveoftheirlives.TheWorryTrickbridgesthegapbetweenmoretraditionalcognitivebehavioraltherapy(CBT)foranxietydisordersand

cutting-edgeacceptance-basedmethods.Iwillberecommendingittohundredsofpatientsinmypractice.”

—DavidJ.Kosins,PhD,licensedpsychologistinSeattle,WA;clinicalinstructorinthedepartmentsofpsychiatryandpsychologyattheUniversityof

Washington;andfoundingfellowandcertifiedtrainer/consultantattheAcademyofCognitiveTherapy;withthirty-plusyearsinprivatepractice,

focusingonCBTforanxietydisorders

“DaveCarbonell’sclearemphasisontheoryandtechniquestoaddressworryasprocesshasmadeaprofounddifferenceinmyworkwithanxiousclients.Hiswittyandwiseapproachprovidesspecificinterventionsthata

therapistcanapplyimmediately—whileavoidingthetrapofrunningincircleswhenwetrytochallengethecontentofourclients’worrythemes.”

—CarlRobbins,MS,MEd,LCPC,directoroftrainingattheAnxietyandStressDisordersInstituteofMaryland,approvedlicensedclinicalprofessionalcounselor(LCPC)supervisor,andclinicalinstructorinthedepartmentof

psychiatryattheUniversityofMarylandSchoolofMedicine

“Iwouldrecommendthisbooktoallthepatientsatourcenter.ReadingTheWorryTrickwillbringwelcomeeducationanddirectiontoanyoneexperiencinganxietyandworry.Carbonell’svoiceisconcreteandcalminginprovidinghelpfulinformationandpracticalstrategies.It’sasifthereaderisoneofhispatients,sittingtogetherinagroupinhisoffice.Hisapproachisclear,

compassionate,andcurrent.Toreadhisbookistoknowhowtheanxiousmindworksandhowonecanworktoward,andachieve,alifeofliberationfrom

worry.Wonderfullyclear,wonderfullyunderstandable—TheWorryTrickisanencouragingandusefulguideforhelpingreaderssortthroughthecomplexities

oftheirworriedminds.”—JudyLakeChessa,LMSW,coordinatorattheAnxietyandPhobiaTreatmentCenteratWhitePlainsHospitalinWhitePlains,NY

“NotonlyisDaveafriend;heisacollaborator,afellowspeaker,andhehasadry,wittysenseabouthim.Nowonderhefiguredoutworrybetterthanmostpeoplehave—hewasabletoseeworryforwhatitwas—atrickthatweplayonourselvestotrytomakeeverythingbetteronlytoactuallymake

everythingworse.Wanttolearnhowtodealwithyourownworry,orhowtohelpyourpatientsdealwiththeirworry?Readthisbook.Wanttohavegreat

examplestogivetoyourclientsortouseinyourownlife?Readthisbook.Wanttofinallysmileandlaughagain?DowhatDaveadvisesyoutodo.”

—PatrickB.McGrath,PhD,clinicaldirectoroftheCenterforAnxietyandObsessiveCompulsiveDisorders(OCD)atAlexianBrothersBehavioralHealth

Hospital

Publisher’sNoteThispublicationisdesignedtoprovideaccurateandauthoritativeinformationinregardtothesubjectmattercovered.Itissoldwiththeunderstandingthatthepublisherisnotengagedinrenderingpsychological,financial,legal,orotherprofessionalservices.Ifexpertassistanceorcounselingisneeded,theservicesofacompetentprofessionalshouldbesought.DistributedinCanadabyRaincoastBooksCopyright©2016byDavidA.CarbonellNewHarbingerPublications,Inc.5674ShattuckAvenueOakland,CA94609www.newharbinger.com

CoverdesignbyAmyShoup

AcquiredbyMelissaKirk

EditedbyChristineSabooni

AllRightsReserved

LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataNames:Carbonell,DavidA.,author.Title:Theworrytrick:howyourbraintricksyouintoexpectingtheworstandwhatyoucandoaboutit/DavidA.Carbonell.Description:Oakland,CA:NewHarbingerPublications,Inc.,[2016]|Includesbibliographicalreferences.Identifiers:LCCN2015039307|ISBN9781626253186(pbk.:alk.paper)|ISBN9781626253193(pdfe-book)|ISBN9781626253209(epub)Subjects:LCSH:Worry.|Anxiety--Prevention.Classification:LCCBF575.W8C2962016|DDC152.4/6--dc23LCrecordavailableathttp://lccn.loc.gov/2015039307

Thisbookisforallthosecourageoussoulswhocametomyofficeandopenedmyeyestothewaysofworryandanxiety.Ihavelearnedsomuchfromyou!Ihopethiscapturessomeofit.

ContentsFOREWORD—SallyWinston,PsyD

INTRODUCTIONCHAPTER1:THEWORRYTRICK

Worry:AnUninvitedGuestYouCANChangeYourWorryHabitWhatIstheWorryTrick?DangerorDiscomfort?FearoftheUnknownCanYouPredicttheFuture?HowWorryingBackfiresonYouWorryAlwaysGetstheLastWord!MeettheWorriersCase1:ScottAChronicWorrierCase2:AnnFearfulofBeingJudged

ThinkingItOver

CHAPTER2:IT’SALLINMYHEAD—ANDIWISHITWOULDLEAVE!

TheComparisonGameTheContentofWorriesAreYouanEqualOpportunityWorrier?OrdinaryWorry:AWorkableRelationshipChronicWorry:ADysfunctionalRelationshipWhatDoesChronicWorryDotoYou?TheStruggleIsNotJustinYourHeadYourRelationshipwithWorryHowDoYouGettoThisPoint?RelatingtoThoughtsReviewYourTypicalWorriesPutYourWorriesinaLineupCross-ExamineYourWorries“JusttheFacts,Ma’am”Feelingsvs.Thoughts

ThinkingItOver

CHAPTER3:YOURDUALRELATIONSHIPWITHWORRYTheTwo-SidedRelationshipwithWorryStance1:TreattheWorryasanImportantWarningArguingwiththeWorryRitualisticResponsesInternetResearch(Googling)ConsultExpertsConsult“Non-Experts”—Friends,Family,Coworkers,andNeighborsAvoidanceCognitiveRestructuringTakenTooFarStance2:StopThinkingThat!DistractingYourselfThoughtStoppingUseofSubstancesDrugsandAlcoholPrescriptionMedicationsComfortFoods

AvoidanceofCuesandRemindersSupportPeopleSupportObjectsTakeInventoryThinkingItOver

CHAPTER4:FEELINGAFRAIDINTHEABSENCEOFDANGER:HOWODDISTHAT?

FearforSaleIt’sOnlyaMovie,ButItCanStillScareYouWhyDoIHaveTheseThoughts?What’sthePurposeofAnxiety?AFalsePredictionIsItAllYourFault?There’sMoretotheBrainThanYouThinkMeetYourAmygdala“GettingThroughIt”MissesthePointAllWorryMeanstheSameThingHowYourThoughtsAreFoolingYouThinkingItOver

CHAPTER5:PUTTINGOUTFIRESWITHGASOLINE,ANDTHERULEOFOPPOSITES

IsItYou,orYourMethods?CounterintuitiveProblemsAttitudesaboutThoughtsWhyCan’tYouJustControlYourThoughts?WhatDoWeReallyControl?

Thinking:It’sJustWhattheBrainDoesRulesofLifeTheRuleofOppositesHowCanWeProtectAgainstDanger?ThinkingItOver

CHAPTER6:THEMADLIBSOFANXIETY:CATCHTHEWORRIESBEFORETHEYCATCHYOU

WhatAreaWorrier’sTwoMostOver-UsedWords?DiagramtheWorrySentenceWorryingAbout“WhatIf?”IsLikeaGameHowWorryBaitsYouCountYourWorriesThe“Why?”QuestionBetterQuestionsThinkingItOver

CHAPTER7:THINKINGABOUTTHOUGHTSCognitiveBehavioralTherapyforAnxietyIdentifyingWorrisomeThoughtsChangingBehaviorYourBrainIsNotaComputerParadoxicalTherapyforAnxietyandWorryAcceptanceandCommitmentTherapyDefusing“HotButton”WordsTwistsandTurns:HowThoughtsCanAffectBehaviorThinkingItOver

CHAPTER8:UNCLEARGUMENTANDYOURRELATIONSHIPWITHWORRY

What’saGoodRelationshipwithWorry?It’sHardtoAvoidArguingTheOppositeofArguingIsThatOkaywithYou?ANewWaytoLookatWorry

WorryIsLikeaHecklerAreYouBeingHeckledByYourOwnThoughts?

HumoringtheWorryBecomeLessAttachedtoYourThoughtsTheWorryExperimentRepeatingtheWorryUsuallyReducesItsPower!ThinkingItOver

CHAPTER9:AHA!THREESTEPSFORHANDLINGCHRONICWORRY

AcknowledgeandAcceptHumortheWorrisomeThoughtsDoYouWorryaboutPlayingwithWorries?Activity—ResumeDoingThingsThatAreImportanttoYou(andTaketheWorrieswithYouIf

Necessary)TakeYourWorriesforaWalkThinkingItOver

CHAPTER10:YOURDAILYWORRYWORKOUTRespondingtoIntermittentWorrySetUpAppointmentsforWorryingWatchingYourselfWorryWhyWouldAnyoneDoThis?CommonReactionstoWorryAppointmentsBreathingandWorryBuildtheHabitHowMuchIsEnough?It’sNotaSilverBullet!

MindfulnessMeditationGetintheHabitThinkingItOver

CHAPTER11:THEWORRYPARASITEHowaParasiteTakesOveraSnailHowWorryTakesOverYourLifeTheParasiticEffectsofWorryingThisInvasionBeganwithCertainBeliefsIthelpsifIexpecttheworst.Myworrycaninfluencefutureevents.IfsomethingbadhappensandIhadn’tworriedaboutit,I’llfeelguilty.WorryshowsIcare.Thoughtsarealwaysimportant.Iamresponsibleformythoughts.WhatBeliefsDoYouHoldAboutYourThoughts?

ThinkingItOver

CHAPTER12:BREAKINGTHESECRECYTRAPAreYouKeepingYourWorriestoYourself?KeepingSecretsSecrecyandShamePlanningSelf-DisclosureGuidelinestoGiveYourSupportPeopleGettingSupportFromAnotherKeyPersonThinkingItOver

CHAPTER13:SPECIALIZEDWORRIES:SLEEPANDILLNESSWorriesAboutSleepSleep:LetitHappen,orMakeitHappen?SettingUpYourBedroomforRestfulSleepCreatingaBefore-BedRoutineWorryAboutSleepisJust…WorryWorryonAwakeningWorriesaboutIllnessTooMuchofaGoodThingYouCan’tAlwaysGetWhatYouWantDoubtingYourDoctorandTakingtheBaitWanting100PercentCertaintyWhyDoIDoThistoMyself?AvoidingaGoodThingWhite-CoatSyndromeWorryAboutIllnessIsJust…WorryDon’tHideYourWorry!

ThinkingItOver

CHAPTER14:CLOSINGTHOUGHTS:THERE’SSOMETHINGFUNNYABOUTWORRY…NOTES

Foreword

It givesmegreat pleasure to introduce this book.When I first got to see themanuscript,IbecamesoexcitedthatIwantedtostartrecommendingittomostofmypatientsandvirtuallyallthetherapistsIknowevenbeforeitwasprinted.Thereisanever-expandingvarietyofself-helpbooksouttheretochooseamong,but this is one that should not be overlooked. This is something radicallyoriginal.Therearesomanylittlegems.Dr.Carbonellhasawayofsayingthingsthatjustmakesyoustopandreconsiderlong-heldbeliefsandpractices.Andwhowouldexpectthatabookaboutworrycouldactuallybefuntoread?Butchapterafter chapter contains examples and descriptions of thought processes andtypical absurd worry scenarios that evoke a gentle smile of recognition. Thefoiblesof thetypicalanxiousmindaredescribedsoastutelyandsokindlythatyoujustkeepreading.Andthenhedescribeshowtogetoutofworryloopsinawaythatisbothcounterintuitiveandmakesallthesenseintheworld.

Whoshouldreadthisbook?Peoplewhoworrytoomuch,peoplewhoworryabout their worrying, people who love people who worry, people who treatpeoplewhoworry.This book is for peoplewhohavenever before consideredreadingaself-helpbook,andforpeoplewhohaveastackofthemontheirnighttables. It is for people who have never been in therapy, people who are intherapy now, and peoplewho have tried therapy and been disappointed.Evenpeoplewhohave tried cognitive behavioral therapy andmedication and foundbothsomewhathelpfulwillfindsomethingnewandliberatinghere.

Inthehistoryofpsychotherapy,therehavebeenmanyapproachestoworry,allderivedfromthepsychologicaltheoriesoftheday.Fordecades,therapyforworriers was a search for insight into “why” people were anxious aboutwhatevertheyworriedabout,withtheexpectationthatfindingthecausesoftheworryingwouldmakeitmeltaway.Butwhilemanypeoplelearnedagreatdealabout themselves, often the worry continued unabated. Another school oftherapy suggested that since worry is essentially negative irrational thought,pointingout thinkingmistakesandchangingthesethoughts tomorerationalorpositive thoughtswouldwork to relieve it.However, often people do actuallyknow what the “right” things to think are, but the worries creep back andcontinue to createmisery.Thenpeopleworry evenmore aboutwhat iswrongwith them, so that they cannot listen to their own best advice during endlessinternaldebates.

Dr.Carbonellshiftstheconversationaboutworryfromeffortstoanalyzeorbanish it to changing one’s relationship to it, so that the presence of doubt orworrythoughtscausesminimaldistress.Heputsanendtotheinternalfightbyrefusingtofight;ifyourefusetodignifythecontentsofworrywithconcernandattention, you deprive yourworries ofwhat they need to grow and thrive.Heillustrateshowa shift inattitudecan liberate joyandotheremotions thathavebeenovertaken.Worrythoughtsaretreatednotassignalsormessagesornewsorcallstourgentaction,butasunanswerablequestionsnotworthengagingwith.Learning to distinguish between thoughts that lead to helpful action and the“nagging”ofananxiousbrain is thefirst taskhe teaches.Fromthere,he takesthereaderonastep-by-stepjourneytorecovery.

Dr.Carbonellisawiseandnonjudgmentalobserverofthehumanmind,andallofuscanbenefitfromhisteachings.Havingthecouragetopickupthisbookwasthefirststep.Takethisjourneyatyourownpace,andyouwillfindyourselfofferingthebooktoothersevenbeforeyouhavefinishedreadingit.

—SALLYWINSTON,PSYD

Introduction

Joe sits at the table, having dinnerwith his wife and kids. The children areexcited, talking about their first day of school and everything that happenedthere.Ifyouwereatthetable,youmightnoticethatJoeisquieterthanhiswife,buthenodsenthusiasticallyatdifferentpointsandseemstobe involvedin thediscussion.

However, if you could eavesdrop on Joe’s thoughts, you’d get a verydifferentpicture.Evenashenodshishead,andlooksfrompersontoperson,theconversation inside his head isn’t at all about the first day of school, or evenaboutthefamilymeal.Joe’snotpayingmuchattentiontowhathappensnowatthe dining tablewhere his family sits, out there in the “externalworld.” Joe’smind is focused on his imagination of another place and another time, in his“internalworld.”

Thebosscomesback tomorrow, Joe’s thinking,andshe’sgoing towant toseemydraftreporton themarketingplan.What ifshedoesn’t like it?What ifshethinksitshouldbemorepolishedbynow?I’mat thetopofmypaygrade,whatifshethinkstheyshouldgowithayounger,lessexpensiveguy?

Joesuddenlybecomesaware thathisexternalworldhasbecomequiet.Hisfamily has stopped talking, and all eyes are on him. He shifts his attention,lookingfromfacetoface.“Whatisit?”heasks.

“Daddy!” his daughter shouts, laughing. “Aren’t you going to pass thebutter?Iaskedyoutwice!”Joehastilypassesthebutter,makesajoketocoverhisinattention,andhiskidslaughathowabsentmindedtheirdadis.ButJoeseesaconcernedlookcrosshiswife’sface,andanewworrycomestomind.WhatifsheseeshowworriedIamaboutwork?Idon’twanthertoworry…Whycan’tIjustsithereandhavedinner?Andthen,asthefamilyturnstheirattentiontotheplayful antics of their dog, Joe experiences another thought in the back of hismindandreturnstohis internalworld:IhopeIsleeptonight,IreallyneedtherestbeforeIseetheboss—whatifIhavetroublesleeping?

Some people only experience this kind of worry infrequently, perhaps inresponsetoanewprobleminlife,butthisisn’tanisolatedinstanceforJoe.Hehas similar experiences in other situations—staffmeetings; conversationswithhisboss;Sundaynightsathome,whenhe’stalkingwithhiswifewhilewatchingTV,andhisthoughtsturntotheworkweekahead;andmore.

Joe worries a lot. It’s not apparent to most people. In fact, he’s oftendescribedbypeopleheknowsasareallycalmguy.“NothingbothersJoe!”theysay.It’sanact.Insidehisownmind,inhisinternalworld,Joeisoftenbothered,oftenstruggling togethis thoughts tobehaveandstopbotheringhim.It rarelyworks.

Worryisacommonandbothersomeoccurrenceformostofhumanity.Whatisworry?

Worries are simply thoughts and images we experience that suggestsomethingbadabout thefuture.Nobodyknows thefuture,butworriespretendthattheydo,andthatit’sgoingtobebad,reallybad.

Worries come uninvited, like party crashers. These party crashers are likefanaticsonamission.Theyhaveamessagetheythinkisimportant,awarning.They’regoingtopresentthatwarning,againandagain,eventhoughitdetractsfrom theparty atmosphere, even thoughnoonewants tohear it, because theythinktheycansaveyoufromtroublethisway.

Nobodyenjoysthearrivaloftheworries.Nordopeoplefeelgratefulforthewarnings, because they sense that they’re overblown and unlikely, focused onhypotheticalproblemsthatprobablywon’thappen.Andyet, they’reoftenhardto dismiss from your mind. Your attention gets turned away from your ownagendaandtheworldaroundyou.Itgetsfocusedonyourinternalworld,fullofthoughts about possible bad troubles, the same way that drivers turn theirattentionfromtheroadtolookatanaccidentontheshoulder.

Joeisparticularlyfrustratedbyhisworry.Itinterfereswithhisenjoymentoflife,invadeshisleisuretime,and,despitethesuccesseshehasinlife,leaveshimfeelinglikeafraud.

If, like Joe, you’re frequently bothered by unwanted worrisome thoughts,there’sanotheraspectofworrytoconsider,andthat is thekindofrelationshipyouhavewithworry.Sinceyou’re reading thisbook,you’veprobablyalreadythought aboutworry a lot, andyet itmight not haveoccurred toyou that youhavearelationshipwithit.Youdo.

Your relationshipwithworry includes the importanceyouplaceuponyourworries; how you interpret your worries; how you feel, emotionally andphysically,inresponsetoyourworries;whatyouhopetodowithyourworries;thewaysyou try toaccomplish thosehopes; theways inwhichyourbehaviorinfluencestheamountofworryyouexperience;thewaysinwhichyourworriesinfluenceyourbehavior;andthebeliefsyouholdaboutworry.Inthisbook,I’llhelpyoutakeagoodlookatyourrelationshipwithworryandchangeittoyour

advantage.Probably the most important aspect of the relationship people have with

worryishowworryconsistentlytricksthem.Ifyoufrequentlyexperiencemoreworry,andmoretroublewithworry,thanyoufindreasonableandordinary,it’sprobably because the worry trick has shaped the relationship you have withworryinwaysthatmakeyourworrymorepersistentandupsetting.Inthisbook,Iwillhelpyouidentifytheworrytrick,findevidenceofitinyourownlife,andchangeyourrelationshipwithworrysothatitspowertodisruptyourlifeshrinkstomoreordinarylevels.

You might experience worry as a problem all on its own. Or you mightexperienceworryaspartofabroaderproblem,calledananxietydisorder,suchasgeneralizedanxietydisorder,panicdisorder,socialphobia,aspecificphobia,orobsessivecompulsivedisorder.ThemethodsI’llshowyouinthisbookcanbeused as a self-helpmethodon their ownor be part of a process involving thehelpofaprofessionaltherapist,whicheveryourcircumstancesmayrequire.

Joehastriedhardtoridhimselfofhisworry,withlittlesuccess.Itgallshimwhenotherwisewell-intentionedfriendsandfamilymemberssuggesthesimply“stopworrying,”asifthiswereasimpleproblemwithanobvioussolution.He’striedmany things—thought stopping, keeping really busy, prayer, meditation,improvinghisdiet,exercise,nutritionalsupplements, seekingreassurance fromhis wife, seeking reassurance on the Internet, and numerous other possiblesolutions,withlittletoshowforhisefforts.

Still, Joe, and the millions of people like him, can reduce the disruptiveeffectsworryhasontheirlives.Ifyoufindthatyouhavemoreworryinyourlifethanseemsreasonable,andyouhavebeenfrustratedinyoureffortstoreduceit,therearebetterwaystohandleworry,andIwillhelpyoudiscoverthemandputthemtowork.

I suggest you use this book by starting on the first page and reading theentire book at a comfortable pace, taking notes and answering my questionsalong theway. I’veworkedwithmany clientswho struggledwithworry, andthesearethemethodsthathavebeenhelpfultosomanyofthem.Likethem,youmayfeelpressured torush through thisbook toget thefastest resultsyoucan.Don’tdothat!

Afrozenpizzacomeswithdirectionslike“Cookat400degreesfor twentyminutes.” Ifyou’re reallyhungry,or impatient, itmightoccur toyou to think,I’lljustcookitat800degreesfortenminutes!Butyou’llstillbehungryafterthefiredepartmenthasleftyourhome.Don’trush!Iknowyou’rehungry,buttake

yourtime.Thisbookisprintedinindelibleink!

CHAPTER1

TheWorryTrick

Thischapterwillintroduceyoutotheworrytrick,andshowyouhowpeopleliterallygettrickedbytheirworries.Thiswillbethefirststepinaprocessthathelps you shrink the roleworry plays in your life. Formany people,worry istheirconstant,carpingcompanion.Whenyoucometoreallyunderstandhowtheworrytrickworks,you’llgetfooledlessoftenandbemuchbetterabletoreducetheworryinyourlife.I’mgoingtohelpyoushrinkworrydowntoanoccasionalnuisance.

Oneuniversalcharacteristicofworryisthatpeoplewouldliketohavelessofit.Nobodyhasevercometomyofficeseekingtoworrymore,ortohaveabetterclassofworries.

Why not? Why don’t people have more appreciation for the tips andwarningsthatworrybringsthem?Ifthieveswerestealingmycar,I’dappreciateitifmyneighbortippedmeoffsoIcouldcallthepolice.I’dprobablygivehimareward!Whydon’twefeelthesamewayaboutthetipsworrygivesus?

Worry:AnUninvitedGuestPeople don’t appreciate worry because it rarely, if ever, has new and usefulinformation. Instead, it’s repetition of potential problems that they’re alreadywell aware of, or warnings about possible events that are unlikely andexaggerated.It’smorelikenaggingthannews.

Ifworries everhad some important, useful information,you’dprobablybemoreinclinedtowelcomethem,butworryusuallyhasaterribletrackrecordforaccuracy. If your worries were useful even a small percent of the time, youprobably wouldn’t be reading this book! Worry predictions aren’t based onwhat’s likely to happen. They’re based on what would be terrible if it didhappen.They’renotbasedonprobability—they’rebasedonfear.

Ifworrieswereyourneighbor,you’dmove.Ifworrieswereyouremployee,you’dfirehim.Ifworrieswerearadiostation,you’dchangethechannel,orturnitoffentirely.Andthereinliestheproblem.

There’snooffswitchtoyourbrain,andnosimplewaytostoptheworrisome

thoughts.Thisiswhatmakesworrysotricky.Yournaturalinstinctistostopit.Ofcourseitis!Ifamosquitowasbuzzingnearyou,you’dswatit.Butyoudon’thaveagoodwaytosimplystoptheworryingbecausewearen’tbuiltthatway.It’snotjustthatwedon’thaveawaytostoptheworry.It’smuchtrickierthanthat.

Our efforts at stopping theworryalmost alwaysmake thingsworse, ratherthanbetter.

YouCANChangeYourWorryHabit

Thatdoesn’tmeanyou’restuckwithouthopeofasolution.Worryisactuallyamanageable,workableproblem.Thereasonpeoplehavesomuchtroublewithworryisthatworryliterallytricksyou.Itgoadsyou,tricksyouintorespondinginways that you hopewill help but which actuallymake your troublesmoresevereandmorepersistent.

Ifyouhavestruggledwithworryforalongtime,andfindyourselfunabletosolve the problem, this is why. You don’t have trouble solving this problembecause you’re too weak, too nervous, too stupid, or too defective somehow.You have trouble solving this problem because you get tricked into trying tosolve it withmethods that can onlymake the problemmore severe andmorechronic.I’mgoingtohelpyouuncoverthistrick,findevidenceofitinyourownlife,andlearnhowtohandleworryinamoreeffectivemanner.

WhatIstheWorryTrick?Thetrickisthis:youexperiencedoubt,andtreatitlikedanger.

Weallliveourlivesasifweknowwhat’sgoingtohappen.Mostdays,whenIleavefortheoffice,ItellmywifeandsonwhattimeI’llbehome.Isayitlikewecancounton it,butofcourse Idon’t reallyknowfor sure. Imightendupbookinganextraappointmentandstaying late; Imightbehomeearlybecausemy last appointment cancels; I might return some phone calls that becomelengthyconversations;Imighthaveaflattire,orgetstuckinatrafficjam.Ifit’sareallybadday,Imightevendieunexpectedly.

I usually don’t pay much attention to those doubts. I know they’re there,becauseIcan’tknowwhatthefuturereallyholds,buttheydon’tusuallybotherme too much. I just go on about my business and figure that I’ll respond toeventsastheyarise.That,literally,islife.

DangerorDiscomfort?

If you or I have a doubt that really bothers us, though, we’re likely torespondverydifferently.We’relikelytotreat thatdoubtas if itwereasignofdanger, rather than the usualdiscomfort we can feel about uncertainty.Whenyou get tricked into treating the discomfort of doubt as if itwere danger, thisleadsyoutostruggleagainstthedoubt,tryingtoremovetheunwantedthoughtsfromyourmind.

How do you struggle against the doubt? You might try hard to prove toyourself that the feared event simply won’t happen. This usually results inarguing with yourself and feeling more anxious as a result. You try to “stopthinkingaboutit,”onlytogetthesameresultsthatcomefrombanningbooks—itincreasesyourattentiontoandinterestintheunpleasantidea!Youmighttrytodosomethingtoprotectagainstthefearedeventandthenfindyourselfworryingaboutwhetherornot thatprotectionwill be sufficient.Youmightbotheryourfriendsandfamilywithrepeatedrequestsforreassurance.However,whentheydotellyouthatyou’llbeokay,thenyouworrythatthey’rejusthumoringyousoyou’llstoptalkingaboutit.

Andyougetdugin,deeperanddeeper,withmoredoubtandfear,andmoreunsuccessfulstruggleagainstit.

FearoftheUnknown

People sometimes talk about “fear of the unknown” as if itwere a specialcategoryoffear.Everythingaboutthefutureisunknown!It’snottheunknownpartthatpeoplefindscary.It’swhentheyconsiderthefutureandthinkthattheydoknowwhatwillhappen,andthat it’sgoingtobebad.That’swhentheygetafraid.

If you were planning on cooking a special meal for your boss and herhusbandtonight,andexperiencedthethoughtWhatifIgetstuckinatrafficjamon the way home?, you might try and remove that doubt by making sure itcouldn’thappen.YoucouldsetyourGPStogiveyounoticesoftrafficdelays;youcouldchecktheHighwayDepartmentwebsitefornotices,orcalltheir800number;youcouldtakelocalroads,eventhoughthatwouldmakefora longertrip.You could call your spouse and askwhat she thinks your chances are ofgettingstuck,tryingtogetsomereassurance.Youcoulddevelopabackupplanby identifying a restaurant that could deliver on short notice, and keep theirphone number handy. That might remind you that you’re very dependent on

yourcellphone,andyoumightstartmonitoringitsbatterystrengthveryclosely.Ifyouhadawintercold that lasted longer thanusual, andexperienced the

thoughtWhat if I have cancer or some other terrible illness?, you might trysimilar methods to clear your mind of the worry. You might consult yourphysician,whichisusuallynotabadidea,butifthatdidn’tclearyourmindofthisworryyoumightconsultseveralotherdoctorsaswell.YoumightreaduponyoursymptomsonvariousInternetsites.Youmightlookattheobituaries,toseeif anyone your age had died of cancer recently.Youmight look at amedicalencyclopedia. You might ask the neighbors if they knew of any colds goingaround.

In each case, you could expend a lot of time and effort trying to prove toyourself that you have “nothing to worry about,” that there is no chance ofgettingcaughtinalongtrafficjamorofhavingcancer.

Unfortunately, you probably won’t get much relief from these effortsbecauseyoucan’treallyprovethatsomethingwon’thappen.Youcanrecognizethatit’sveryunlikely,butthere’snowaytoprovetoyourselfthatsomecalamityisn’t going to happen tomorrow, because just about anything, no matter howimprobable,ispossibleifyourrulesofevidencearelooseenough.

So Ican’tprove thatnothingwillmakeme late fordinner tonightbecauseit’simpossibletobesure.Thethoughtjustdoesn’tbotherme.However,ifIdidfeelreallybotheredbythethought,Iwouldprobablybetemptedtotrytogetridofthatthought,andthat’swhereImightrunintotrouble.

CanYouPredicttheFuture?A husband who worried a lot about auto accidents would probably get verynervouswhenever hiswife didn’t arrive home at the expected time.Hemightcallhercellphonetoverifythatshewasokay.Andifshehappenedtohaveherphone turned off, or buried so deep in her purse that she couldn’t hear it, hisattempttomakehimselfmorecomfortablewouldresultinmoredoubtandfear.Thenhemight turnon theTV, tosee if therewereanynewsstoriesaboutcarcrashes.Hemightthinkaboutcallinglocalhospitalstoseeifshewasthere.Hemightdrivearound to see ifhecould spothercar somewhere, andevenashedrovearound,he’dworryaboutmissingacallfromthehospitalonthelandline(iftheystillhaveone).

Hemightjuststayhome,pacingandworrying,andwonderingifheshoulddosomething.

HowWorryingBackfiresonYou

This isacentral ironyofworry, thatyourefforts tostopworryingsooftenbackfireonyou.All toooften,whenyou try to“talkyourselfoutof”aworry,you’re likely to fail.Thenyou takeyour failure toprove thatnothingbadwillhappenasevidencethatsomethingbadwillhappen.Yougetmoreworriedasaresultofyourefforttostopworrying.That’stheheartofthetrick.

Noneofusknowsthefuture.Weknoweveryonedies(sofar!),butwedon’tknow when, and we don’t know how. Most likely, tomorrow will be prettysimilartotoday.Butifyoutrytoproveitwon’tbedifferent,youcan’t.Andifyou take your failure to prove that it won’t be different as evidence thatsomethingbadwillhappen,you’reinfora lotofworrying.Here’sanexamplefrommyownlife.

Shortlyaftermysonwasborn,hedevelopedjaundice—hisskinwasyellow.It’scommonamongnewborns,prettyharmless,andgenerallydisappearswithinafewdays.Iftreatmentisnecessary,thestandardtreatmentislighttherapy,inwhichthechildwearsaspecial lightforseveraldays.Mysonneededthelighttherapy.

Our conversation with our pediatrician went very poorly. My wife askedwhatwouldhappenifthelightdidn’tfixtheproblem.Hesaidthiswasunlikely,that it almost always worked, and mentioned some really rare problems thatcoulddevelopifitdidn’t.Sheaskedwhatwecoulddothen,andhementionedafewminorproceduresthatwouldprobablyhelp.Sheaskedwhatwe’ddoifthosefailed. The doctor said that was unlikely, but that in an extreme situation, acompletebloodtransfusion—thereplacementofallthebloodinourson’sbody—wouldprobablysolvetheproblem.Sheaskedifthatwassafe,andhesaidthatthebloodsupplyisgenerallysafe,butthatthere’salwaystheriskofcontractingAIDS,hepatitisC,andotherdiseasesfromabloodtransfusion.

What an agonizing tenminutes that was!We had gone, in seconds, fromarrangingprettyroutinecareforourbeautifulson,tocontemplatingtheprospectthathewouldgetAIDSbeforehisfirstbirthday.Anditwasallfoolishness—notbecausewewerefools,butbecausewealldidwhatcamenaturallyinourrolesas parents and doctors. My wife asked for concrete answers to remote,hypothetical questions in an effort to calm her worries. The pediatriciananswered them literally and completely, hoping to remove our doubts. I didnothingbecauseIcouldn’tfigureouthowtomakeitbetter.Theresultwasthatwespenttimevividlyworryingaboutaterribleproblemthatwasalmost(butnotquite) guaranteed not to happen. For several days, until the jaundice began to

slowlyfade,welivedwith intermittent thoughtsofoursoncontractingadreaddisease.

I say “almost (but not quite) guaranteed not to happen” because you can’tever get a satisfying guarantee that something won’t happen. Even if it’ssomethingthatappearsimpossible,youwon’tgetthecertaintyyouwant.Here’sanexampleofwhatImean.

Me:What if the lawofgravitygets repealed,andwefloatupsidedown in theair,bangingourheads?

Scientist: That’s impossible because (insert highly technical proof), quantummechanics,lawofthermodynamicsfundibulum,andblahblahblah.

Me:Butwhatifitdoeshappen?

WorryAlwaysGetstheLastWord!

Letmeaskyousomethingnow.Doesyourcarhaveaflattire?(Don’tlookoutthewindow!)WhenIaskpeoplethisquestion,aswesitinmyoffice,theyalmostalways

sayno.Buttheycan’tseetheircarfrommyoffice.Howdotheyknow?Theydon’tknowforsure.It’s just that theydidn’thaveaflat thelast time

they looked at their car, and that’s good enough for them.Unless theyhave aparticular issueofworrying aboutgetting a flat, they assume that the tires arestillokay.

Butwiththeparticulartopicstheyworryabout,theywanttofeelabsolutelycertainthattheydon’thaveaproblem,andsotheycontinuallytrytoprovethattheproblemtheyfeardoesn’t,andwon’tever,cometopass.Iftheywantedtobesureofnothavingaflat,theywouldprobablywanttogodowntotheparkinglotduringthesessiontocheck,andwouldlikelymentiontheirdoubtsaswetalked,lookingforreassurance.

There’sawayoutofthisproblem,andI’vewrittenthisbooktohelpyoufindit.Ifyou’relikemostpeoplewhostrugglewithworryandanxiety,youprobablyhavemixed feelings about even reading this book.You hope that it has someanswers,butyoualsoworrythatitwillcreatemoretroubleforyou.Youmightfigure that you have enough worries on your own, you don’t need any helpthinking up new ones! Maybe you looked at it in the bookstore and quicklyscanned a few pages (or scanned some sample pages online), ready to toss it

backontheshelfifyoustartedtofeelanxiousreadingit.Peopleareoftensousedtousingdistractionandotherwaystotrytoavoid

unpleasant thoughts that the idea of reading a book about worry seemsworrisome!Itgoesagainsttheirnaturalinstinctofseekingtoavoidworry.

Soyoumightfeelmoreanxiouswhenyoufirststarttoreadthesewords.Infact,it’sverylikely.Iunderstandhowuncomfortablethatis,butIwantyoutobeawarethatit’snotabadsignatall.Thefirsttimepeoplecometoseemeforhelpwith anxiety andworry is usually themost anxiety-provokingvisit.Theyhope they’ll get a good result, they’re afraid that they won’t, and they’reparticularlyafraidthatourconversationwillleadthemtoworrymoreratherthanless. It’s anticipatory anxiety, the kind you’re likely to experience just beforeyoubecomeengagedinatask.

Haveyoueverstoodonabeachatthewater’sedge,tryingtogetusedtothetemperature of the water before you go in? You might stand there a while,feelingcold,splashingsomewateronyourankles, trying togetused to it,butprobably feeling colder for all your effort, standing there in the breeze andfeelingthedifferencebetweenyourskintemperatureandthetemperatureofthewater.Youwon’t reallyacclimate to thewater temperatureuntilyouget in it,andthenyouwillfeelmorecomfortable.Yournaturaldesiretofeelcomfortablefirst causes you to experience more discomfort as you literally postpone anddelaythemomentofreliefthatcomeswithgettinginthewater.

That’s how it usually works with worry. It’s okay to feel nervous at theoutset, and actually very predictable.Don’t be tricked by that nervousness—itwillfade.Comeonin,thewater’sokay!

MeettheWorriersBeforeItellyouanymoreaboutchronicworry,Iwanttointroduceyoutotwoworriers.It’sacharacteristicofhumanitythatallofusfinditeasiertoobserveand understand the patterns of other people than we do our own patterns.Perhaps hearing about other people’s experiencewith chronicworrywill helpyou better understand your own. In particular, having the chance to considerother people’s experience with chronic worry may make it easier for you tocatchon to those instances inwhichworry tricksyou into responding inwaysthatmakethingsworse.

Thesepeopledon’tactuallyexistasdescribedbelow.They’recompositesofmany,manyclientsIhaveworkedwithovertheyears.However,thedetailsof

theirstrugglesaccuratelydepictwhatit’sliketowrestlewithdifferentformsofchronicworry.

Case1:Scott

Scott sat at his desk, looking at his computer monitor and occasionallymaking a few keystrokes, but hismindwasn’t on it.Hewasn’tmakingmuchprogress on his report, and he worried about that.What if I keep getting soworriedthatIcan’twork?heworried.Visionsofsecuritypersonnelcomingtohisofficetoremovehimandhisbelongingsfromtheworkplaceflashedacrosshismind.Wouldhisstafflineupinthehallwayandwatchhimleave?Wouldhegostraighthomeandtellhiswife?Wouldsheleavehimindisgust?Wouldhestopatabarinstead,anddrinkhimselfsilly?Whatifhegotintoadrunkenfightatthebar,hurtsomeone,andgotarrested?

He noticed a headache and vaguely wondered if he was giving himself acerebral hemorrhage with all his worrying. He wasn’t sure what a cerebralhemorrhagewas, or how you got one, but what if this was how it happened,sitting at your desk and worrying? He felt thirsty, and remembered somewarningshe’dheardaboutgettingdehydratedonlongairplaneflights.Howlongis too long without water? he wondered. Maybe dehydration contributes tocerebralhemorrhage.Hepushedhischairbackandgotup,decidingtoheadforthewatercooler.Hisbackhurt.Herememberedsleepingpoorlylastnight,andhopedhe’dhavebetterlucktonight.Hewonderedifhe’dbebetteroffgoingtobedearlier,orlater.Whatifhegotsotiredthathebecameineffectiveatwork?

Walkingtowardthewatercooler,herememberedthathisbosswouldbeinallday.He’dhavetopassherofficeonthewaytothewatercooler.Whatifshelookedupand sawhimwalkby?What if shewonderedwhyhewasn’t inhisoffice,working, and thought thatmaybe hewas losing his edge?What if shecalled out “Hi Scott” as hewaswalking by, andwhat if he couldn’t think ofanything to say, and just staredormumbled?Hehadaperformance review inthree months. What if she took a good look at him today and realized howanxious he was? He had a long history of good work, good evaluations, andsteadypromotions,butwhatifhewastoppingoutnow,anditbecameobvioustoher,andtoeveryoneelse?Whatiftheyhadalreadynoticed?

Scottdecidedhewasn’tthatthirsty.Hewentbacktohisoffice.Heresumedtrying towork on his report andmade some revisions.But itwasn’t too longbeforehehadthethoughtWhatifIgetdehydratedandhaveaseizure?Hetriedto distract himself by playing solitaire on his computer, but the worrisome

thoughts kept breaking through. Finally, he opened his browser so he couldsearchforinformationaboutseizures,dehydration,andcerebralhemorrhages.

And on and on it goes. Scott’s actually a healthy guy, a productive andvaluedemployee,withagoodfamilyandanapparentlyhappylife.Scottisalsoaworrier.

He’s tried hard to control his worry, and he’s triedmany things. He tookmedicationforawhilebutdidn’tlikethewayitmadehimfeel,andheworriedabout long-term side effects, even though the doctor said there probablywouldn’tbeany.Hedrinksmorenowthanheusedto,inanefforttofallasleepwithout tossingand turning. It helpshim fall asleep faster, buthedoesn’t feelrestedwhenhewakes,andheworriesaboutbecominganalcoholic.Heexercisesandmonitorshisdiettokeephimselfashealthyaspossible,butfindshe’sgotanunhealthymindinahealthybody.Hethoughtabouttryingmeditation,butwasafraidoflettinghismindgoblank,expectingthatitwouldgetfilledwithmoreworrisome thoughts. He spends a lot of time trying to distract himself andavoiding unpleasant thoughts. He doesn’t watch the news anymore, or readnewspapers,becausehe’safraidofunpleasanttopics.Heavoidstelevisionshowsabouthospitalsandothermedicalsettings.

ACHRONICWORRIER

Scott’s tried therapy several times, and was diagnosed with generalizedanxietydisorder.Hehada therapythatfocusedonhisearlychildhoodandlifeexperiences; it helped him understand himself better but didn’t do anythingabouthisworrying.Hehadcognitivebehavioral therapy,whichhelpedhim toevaluatehisthoughtsandfindtheerrorsinhisthinkingsothathecouldcorrectthem;thatseemedtohelp,butovertimehefoundhimselfmorefocusedonhisthoughts,arguingwithhimselfaboutwhetherornotathoughtwasexaggerated,trying to get all the “errors” out of his thoughts, feeling frustrated andapprehensive when he couldn’t. He felt conflicted about writing his thoughtsdown and evaluating them, because sometimes it seemed to cause him moretrouble,andhegraduallydriftedoutoftherapy.

Scottfeelsbestwhenhe’snotworrying.Sometimeshe’llgofordays,evenweeksatatimewithoutsignificantworry.Thatfeelsgoodtohim.Butsoonerorlater, he notices howgood he feels and realizes that he hasn’t beenworrying.And then, the thoughtoccurs tohim:What if I startworryingagain?Youcanguess therest.Heresumesworrying.Hetries tostop.Hefails tostop,and thecycle repeats. Sometimes he’s filled with despair, as he alternates betweenworryingaboutpossibleproblems thatneverseemtomaterializeandworrying

abouthowmuchworryinghedoes.Scott is a chronicworrier.Hehasa strongcaseof it, but there’shopeand

helpforhim,andforyouaswell,ifthisisyourburden.

Case2:Ann

Annworriesaboutsocialencounters.She’susuallyokaywithseeingpeopleshe already knows well but gets nervous about meeting new or unfamiliarpeople,encounterswithbossesandpeopleinauthority,andgroupactivities.

Ann won’t go to a party or other social occasion without her husband,becauseshefearsgettingintoaconversationandbecomingtooanxioustotalk.Sheusuallyhasaglassofwine,ortwo,beforegoingtoasocialevent.WhatifIcan’tthinkofanythingtosay,andpeoplejustlookatme,waitingformetotalk?sheworries.Shepicturesherselftrappedinasocialencounter,becomingvisiblynervousandalarmingothersatthepartywithherexcessivesweating,tremblinghands, and inability to speak. As long as her husband will be with her, shefiguresshecanrideitoutbecausehewillkeeptheconversationgoingwhileshecalmsherselfortakesabathroombreak.

The idea that she could excuse herself for a bathroom break calms her alittle,butsheworriesaboutthataswell.Shehasneveractuallytakenabathroombreakforthispurpose.Shehastheideathatshouldshedoso,shewouldn’tbeabletogobackto thebathroomagainduringthatparty,becausepeoplewouldwonderwhyshewasgoingsofrequently.Sinceshethinksshecanonlydothisonce,likeusinga“getoutofjailfree”cardinMonopoly,shefiguresshehastosaveitforemergencies,andsoshereallycan’tuseitatall!

Annfeelsveryself-consciousaboutheranxietyandtriestokeepittoherself.Sheworrieswhatheremployerandcoworkerswouldthinkofheriftheyknewhowanxiousshegetsabouteverydayconversations.Herbosshasaskedheronseveraloccasionstoleadadiscussionatastaffmeeting,andeachtimeAnnhasbegged off with some excuse. She worries that she’s running out of excuses.Whatifmybossstopsbelievingme?sheworries.

FEARFULOFBEINGJUDGED

Ann’s fears have to do with being judged by people. In particular, sheworriesaboutlookingsoanxiousthatpeoplethinkthere’ssomethingwrongwithher,avoidher,andprobablygossipaboutherwhenshe’snotaround.OneoftheironiesofAnn’sfearisthatshesimultaneouslybelievesIamunworthyandalso

Everyoneisveryinterestedinobservingandevaluatingme.TherapyforsocialanxietydisorderwouldprobablybeveryhelpfulforAnn,

butshedreadsthemomentofsittingdownwithastrangerwhowillaskintrusivequestions.What if I start panicking right there in front of the therapist? sheworries.I’lllooklikeacrazyperson!Theworriesshehasabouthernervousnessarewhatpreventherfromgettingthehelpsheneeds.Ifshecanfindsomewayto relate differently to those worries, that will be the key that enables her tomoveforwardwithherlife.

ThinkingItOverAnn and Scott—and the millions they represent—have different kinds ofworries, focused on different fears. What they have in common is how theyrelate to theirworries.They struggle tobring theirworries to an end and findthattheirworriesincreaseratherthandisappear.

“TheharderItry,theworseitgets!”theynotice,andfeelmorefrustratedandincompetent as a result. They tend to think that this means they’re terriblyineffective,thattheycan’texecuteasimplestrategyofclearingtheirmind.Theythinkitmeansthere’ssomethingwrongwiththem.

If it’s literally true—theharder I try, theworse it gets—then thisprobablymeansthere’ssomethingwrongwiththemethodsyou’vebeentrying.Notwithyou. And it means you’ve been looking in the wrong place if you’ve beenblamingyourselfforyourworrytroubles.

Theveryeffortspeoplemake tostop theirworriesarewhatstrengthenandmaintainthem.Seeinghowtheworrytrickoperatesintheirlives—andyours—willbeavaluablehelpinsolvingthisproblem.Thenextchapterwillintroduceyoutoanewwayofthinkingaboutyourrelationshipwithchronicworry.

CHAPTER2

It’sAllInMyHead—andIWishItWouldLeave!

If you struggle with chronic worry, there’s a good chance you think you’reunusual.Whenpeoplecometomyofficeforhelpwithworry,that’susuallyhowthey think about themselves. This is a problem experienced by millions ofpeople,allthinkingthey’retheonlyone.

Everybodyworries. It’spartof thehumancondition.Theonlypeoplewhodon’t worry are dead people. Everybody experiences thoughts, generallyexaggerated and unrealistic, that occur to them about bad things that couldhappeninthefuture.

Isaythethoughts“occurtothem”becauseworriesaren’tthoughtsthatyoudeliberatelyseekout. Infact,youprobably trynot tohavethem!Thethoughtsarisespontaneously,oftenagainstyourwill,orwhensomechanceeventremindsyouofanunpleasanttopic.

This is quite different from the deliberate thinking you dowhen, say, youconsider buying a car. There, you consciously compare possible purchases onthebasisof reliability, fuel economy,durability, safety, appearance,price, andso on.You review facts to help youmake a decision.Worry ismore like theintrusivecommentsofanannoyingcoworkerwhokeepsinterruptingyourworkwithnegativeremarksandinnuendoesthatyoufinddisturbingandunhelpful.

TheComparisonGameIfyou’reachronicworrier,youmightthinkyou’reoneofasmallgroupbecauseyoudon’t see anyonewho resemblesyourvisionofyourself. Instead, you seepeoplewhoseemsocool,calm,andcollectedthatitappearstheyneverworry,andthismakesyoufeelinadequatebycomparison.

My clients often tell me this. Seeing others who appear to be worry-freeleads themtofeelbadabout themselves. Ioftenfeel thesameway, if I’matapartyoraconferencesurroundedbypeoplewhoseemsuperconfident.

IusuallyfigureI’mwrongaboutthis,though,andifyouhavesimilarkinds

of thoughts,youprobablygetfooledthesamewayIdo.Whenyouseepeoplewhoappeartobecoolandconfident,youmakethisjudgmentfromtheiroutwardphysical appearance—the look on their face, their eye movements, how theyhold their shoulders, the tone of their voice, their use of gestures, and so on.They look like they don’t have a care in the world. You see their outerappearanceandcompareittohowyoufeelinside.

Thisishowyougetfooled.Youcomparewhatyouexperiencethroughyournerveendingstowhat theydisplayontheoutside.It’sapples toalligators—nocomparison.

Whatisdifferentforsomepeople—andthisisabigdifference—ishowtheyrespond toworry.That’s theballgame,howyourespond to it,notwhetherornotworrisomethoughtsoccurtoyou.

Itmaysurpriseyoutohearthatwhatyouworryabout,thespecificcontentofyourworrisomethoughts,isn’tusuallyallthatimportant.What’smostimportantishowyourelatetoyourworrisomethoughts,whatevertheircontentmaybe.

TheContentofWorries

Therearedifferences in thecontentofworriesand thesubjects thatpeopleworry about. Some peopleworrymostly about ordinary events, problems thatoccur tomostpeopleat somepoint in their lives. It’scommon toworryaboutsuch topics in response to negative changes in life circumstances. During aneconomicdownturn,forinstance,lotsofpeopleexperiencethoughtsaboutwhatthey’ddoiftheylosttheirjobsorhadtroublepayingtherentormortgage.Theymighthavesimilarworriesaboutlosingtheirjobsorhomeswhenthere’ssomeother change, like a new boss or landlord, which increases the uncertainty intheirbusinessrelationships.

Sometimespeoplerespondto theseworriesbydevelopingaplanofaction,and then theworry often fades and canbe considered to have served a usefulpurpose.Itidentifiedapotentialproblemandledyoutoprepareasolution.

AreYouanEqualOpportunityWorrier?

Other times people experience worry not in response to negativedevelopments,butquitetheopposite—theyworrywhengoodthingshappen!

A parent might experience worries about losing a job, even when theeconomy is good and his work evaluations excellent, or when a child gets

acceptedathisfirstchoiceof(anexpensive)collegeandcongratulationswouldbeinorder.Apersonleavingforadreamvacation,who’sneverforgottentoturnoffthecoffeepotanddoesn’tusuallyevergivethatathought,maybeplaguedbyworriesaboutthatcoffeepotafterhavingboardedtheplane.“Good”events,maybeajobpromotionorthearrivalofanewchild,canoftenbethetriggerforpersistent,unrealisticworriesaboutotherpossibleproblemsinlife.

People worry in response to these positive events out of a superstitiousthought that now would be a particularly “bad time” for the event to occur.ThoughtssuchasWouldn’titbeironiciftheproblemhappenednow,andNowIhave so much more to lose are what often convert good developments intooccasionsforworry.

Sopeoplemayexperienceanupsurgeinworryinresponsetogoodeventsorbad.Worryusuallyhasaverypoorrecordforpredictingwhatactuallyhappensinthefuturebecauseworryisbasedonideasofwhat“wouldbebad”ratherthanwhatislikely.Ifworrywasyourstockbroker,you’dfirehim!

Othertimespeoplegetcaughtinapatternofworryingaboutbadpossibilitiesthatseemfarlesslikely,notonlytomostpeoplebutalsototheworrieraswell,atleastmostofthetime.Thesearethekindsofworriesthatpeoplesometimesidentify as “irrational” or illogical worries. This might include worries aboutmaking some kind of mistake—leaving the stove on, accidentally pouringinsecticideintothesugarbowl,drivingoverapedestrianwithoutnoticing—thatappears to be an extreme, unlikely, even bizarre possibility. However, thepossible result of such an error seems so terrible to theworrier that he or shestrivesto“makesure”thatitdoesn’thappen,andthisefforttobesurebecomesachronicworryactivity.

To summarize, there are differences in the kinds of content people worryabout.Somepeopleexperienceoccasionalworryaboutfairlyordinaryproblemsanddon’tfindthisworrytobeanongoingproblem,justanoccasionalnuisancetheycandismiss. In fact, itoftensignals them to takesomeappropriateactionandcanthereforebeconsideredtobehelpful.

Others,however,havemuchmoredifficultywithworry.Sometimespeopleworry about ordinary possibilities but find themselves unable to dismiss thoseworries from theirminds, andworry endlessly about fairly ordinaryproblems.Othertimespeopleworryaboutpossibilitiesthatseemextremeandunlikely,somuchsothatthatitleadsthemtobecomechronicallyobsessedandpreoccupied.

It’s not the content of the worries themselves that distinguishes ordinaryfromchronicworrying.Thekeyishowwerespondtoworry,howwerelatetoit.

This iswhatdistinguishesapersonwithonlymodest,occasionalworryfromaperson with chronic, persistently upsetting worry. It’s the relationship weestablishwithworry,howwetrytolivewithitandmanageit, thatdefinesthekindofworrywehave.

Let’stakealook.

OrdinaryWorry:AWorkableRelationshipOrdinaryworry is sometimes unrealistic, but the unrealisticworries come andgo.Theydon’tformaconsistentpatternovertime.Astudentmayworryaboutatestsometimesbutdoesn’tanticipateflunkingouteverytimethere’saquiz.Anemployee may worry as her annual review approaches but doesn’t anticipategettingfiredeverytimeshemeetswithherboss.

Ordinaryworry is an occasional part of your life, one that doesn’t usuallyinterfere too much with your activities. Sometimes it can help focus yourattentionon issues thatneeda solutionand leadyou todo someplanningandproblemsolving.Thiskindofworrytypicallyendswhenyouhaveidentifiedasolutionandtakenaction.That’sagoodthing!

Othertimesitdoesn’tparticularlyidentifyaproblemandleadtoasolutionsomuchas it reflectsageneralstateofanxiety.For instance,whenyou’renotfeelingwell because of several days of the flu, or you’re overtired, or you’resufferingamajordisappointmentinworkorlove,youmaygetmorecaughtupinworriesthatyouwouldordinarilydismiss.

The ordinary worry relationship is similar to the kind of relationship youmayhavewithaneighbororcoworkerwithwhomyou’renotcloselytied.Youseethembutdon’tinteractveryoften,probablylessthanonceaday.Whenyoudo, you say hello and are superficially nice, but you don’t have a strongemotionalattachmenttothatperson,goodorbad.Itdoesn’truinyourdayifyouhave a disagreement with them. It doesn’tmake your day if you have a niceencounterwiththem.They’rejustnotthatimportanttoyou.

Peoplewhohavethisordinarykindofrelationshipwithworrymightgetintostruggleswithworries, but only occasionally.They know theworries pass, sothey usually don’t usually spend a lot of time and energy responding to theworry. They just don’t care that much about the worrisome thoughts thatoccasionally come and go. And, perhaps the most important distinction, theydon’tworryabouthowmuchtheyworry.

Thedysfunctionalrelationshipofchronicworry,however,issomethingelseentirely.

ChronicWorry:ADysfunctionalRelationshipSomepeoplegetmore than their shareof troublewithworry.Worrybecomesyour constant companion rather than anoccasional nuisance and can seriouslydegradethequalityofyourlife.

If you experience chronic worry, you experience an excessive amount ofworryovertime.Whodecideshowmuchworryisexcessive?Thepersondoingtheworrying!Ifyoufeelthatyouhavetoomuchworryinyourlifeandwanttohaveless,youcanprobablylearntoshrinktheroleworryplaysinyourlife.

Themostimportantaspectofthischronicrelationshipwithworry,however,isnottheamountofworrybutthewayyourespondtoit.Thismostoftentakesthe form of an argumentative, fighting kind of relationship in which youpersistentlystruggletocontrolandchangeyourworrisomethoughts,onlytofindthatthemoreyouresistandopposethem,themorepersistenttheybecome.Thechronic relationshipwithworry is one inwhichyou really care, all toomuch,abouttheworries,andtryagainandagaintoreformthem.

WhatDoesChronicWorryDotoYou?

Chronic worry involves spending time with thoughts of possibledisappointmentsandcatastrophes,eventhoughyoudon’twantto.Itinvolvesachainingofthoughts,thecreationofanincreasinglyunlikelysequenceofcausesand effects which suggest that youwill eventually suffer terrible catastrophesandloseyourmindoryourabilitytofunction.

It’sfrustrating.You’dliketorelaxandwatchthatTVshow,orreadabookinthepark.Maybeyou’rehopingtoenjoydinnerwiththefamilyorlunchwithafriend.Butherecomethoseworriesagain.

Theyseemuncontrollable!Justwhenyoudon’twantthem,theretheyare.

WhatifIgetlaidoff?

Whatifmydaughterflunksout?

WhatifIgetsickandcan’twork?

Whatifalovedonedies?

Whatifthefurnaceconksoutthiswinter?

WhatifIstartscreamingontheairplane?

WhatifIstartshootingpeoplelikethatcrazyguydid?

WhatifthegaragedooropensbyitselfwhileI’masleep?

WhatifIgetcancer?

WhatifJoecantellhownervousIfeel?

WhatifIlooknervousandtheclerkthinksI’mathief?

WhatifIpeeinmypantsduringmypresentation?

Chronicworryislikelyto:

Beamajorfocusinyourlifeforsignificantperiodsoftime

Directyourfocustowardunlikelycatastrophes

Distractyoufromworthwhiletasksandresponsibilities

Interferewithyourrelationshipswithlovedonesandotherkeypeople

Generateobsessivethinkingwithoutleadingtousefuldecisions

Continueuntilsomethingelsereplacesit

Continue despite your recognition that you’re wasting your time withworry

Interferewithyourparticipationinthepresentworld

Leaveyoufeelinghelpless,hopeless,andoutofcontrol

People with chronic worry repeatedly think and rethink about thepossibilitiesthatconcernthemwithoutcomingupwithnewsolutionsortaking

any effective action. There’s no natural end point with chronic worry. It justdroneson,continuingasifithasalifeofitsown.

TheStruggleIsNotJustinYourHead

Chronicworry is often accompaniedbyphysical symptoms andbehaviors.Thisincludesfeelingrestless,whereyoumayfinditdifficulttorelaxandenjoyaquietmomentoramovie.Youmightjiggleyourleg,shiftfrequentlyinyourchair, crack your knuckles, sigh repeatedly, check your phone, and so on. Itincludesirritability,inwhichotherwiseunimportantsoundsandinterruptionsfillyouwithastartledorangryreaction.It includesmuscular tension—backaches,neck aches, headaches, and more. It includes fatigue—feeling tired withoutapparent explanation. It includes upset stomach. It often includes troublewithsleep—eitherdifficultyfallingasleeporwakingupearlierthanyouwant.

Chronicworrydoesn’talertyoutoproblemsthatneedsolving.It interfereswithproblemsolving.Ifyouexperiencechronicworry,yourattentionisfocusedon unlikely hypothetical future disasters, rather than current situations thatrequire a solution. Chronicworries don’t get solved because there really isn’tanythingtosolve.Theworryjustgetsrepeateduntilit’sreplacedbysomethingelse.

Chronicworry can become the focus of your life and crowd out activitiesthatyoumightotherwiseenjoy.Physically,you’reinthepresent,inyourusualenvironment.Butmentally,yourfocusisonadismalfutureofgrimpossibilities.

Finally,ifyoustrugglewithchronicworry,youtrytostopworrying.Theseeffortstostopusuallymakethingsworseratherthanbetter.It’slikestoriesfromGreekmythology inwhich ahero confronts ahydra, a serpentordragonwithmanyheads.Whentheherocutsoffafewheadsfromthehydra,severalmoreheadsgrowintheplaceofeachone.

Ihateitwhenthathappens,don’tyou?

YourRelationshipwithWorryPeoplewhostrugglewithworryhaveseveralkindsofreactions.Thesereactionsareacentralpartoftheproblemwithchronicworry,andformyour“relationshipwithworry.”Thepathtohavinglesstroublewithworryinvolveschangingyourrelationshipwithworryratherthantryingtochangetheworriesthemselves.

Youmightbewonderinghowyougotintoarelationshipwithworryinthe

firstplace.Let’sconsiderhowthathappens.

HowDoYouGettoThisPoint?

First,youdislikethecontentofthethoughts.Andthat’snatural;thecontentofworry isalwaysnegative,alwaysaboutbad things thatmighthappen in thefuture.Nobodyhaseverexperiencedthisworry:“What ifIwin$50millioninSuperPowerballand liveadreamlifeonTahiti?”Nobodyworriesaboutgoodstuff! So you become a person who’s bothered by repetitive thoughts of badpossibilities.

Second,youprobablyrecognize—atleastmostofthetime,whenyou’renotso caught up in the worry—that the thoughts are unrealistic. But this doesn’thelpyou lose the thoughts!Youcontinue tohavenagging,unwanted thoughtseventhoughyourecognizethatthey’reunrealistic.

Thiscanbereallyfrustratingformostworriers.I’vehadmanyconversationswithclientsinwhichwediscussthefactthatthecontentoftheirworriesarekindof unrealistic. There’s a technique that’s part of cognitive behavioral therapy(CBT)calledcognitiverestructuring,inwhichclientsarehelpedtoreviewtheirthoughtsandfind“theerrorsof thinking”so theycanchange their thoughts tosomething more realistic. It’s helpful with lots of problems but often fails tosolvetheproblemofchronicworry.Here’sacommonresponsetothecognitiverestructuring:“Iknow!”Not“Whew—whatarelief!”but“Iknow!”Theymightbea littleannoyed too,ondoing thatworkonly todiscoverwhat theyalreadyknew.

Theyknow.Theydon’tneedmetohelpthemdiscoverthattheirworriesareexaggeratedandunlikely.That’swhy theycame toseeme in the firstplace—theywerebotheredbyrepetitivethoughtsofunlikelycatastrophes!Sojust likethem,youbecomeapersonwho’sbotheredbyrepetitive,unrealisticthoughtsofbadpossibilitiesandwantsthemtostop,andisincreasinglyfrustratedbythefactthattheydon’t.

Third, it may seem to you that if you keep having negative, unrealisticthoughtsyoudon’twanttohave,thismustmeanthereissomethingwrongwithyou.Youhavethethoughtthatpeoplewhocan’tcontroltheirthoughtsare“outof control” and find this a scary comment about yourself. So you become aperson who’s bothered by repetitive, unrealistic thoughts of bad possibilitieswhowantsthemtostop,isincreasinglyfrustratedbythefactthattheydon’t,andfearfulthatthismeansyou’relosingcontrolofyourself.

Finally,you tryhardnot tohave the thoughts.Maybeyoudo thisbecauseyou hate and fear the content of the thoughts. Maybe you realize that thethoughtsareunrealisticbutthinkit’sasignofmentalproblemstohavethoughtsyou can’t control. In either case, you try a variety of anti-worry techniques:distraction, avoidance, thought stopping, cognitive restructuring, arguing withyourthoughts,reassuranceseeking,drugsandalcohol,andmore.Andtheresult,all too often, is more worry. When you struggle against your worries, yougenerallygetmoreworryratherthanless.

And even though you dislike the worries, you might also have someunconscious beliefs about worry, beliefs which suggest that worry helps yousomehow.Thesebeliefs can also leadyou to respond inwayswhichkeep theworriesalive.We’lltakealookatthisinchapter11.

Soit’sthroughaprocesslikethisthatyoubecomeapersonwho’sbotheredby repetitive, unrealistic thoughts of bad possibilities andwants them to stop;whoisincreasinglyfrustratedbythefactthattheydon’t,fearingthatthismeansyou’relosingcontrolofyourself;andwhowantssodesperatelytogetridofthethoughts thatyouget caughtup ina struggle to ridyourselfof the thoughts—onlytohavemore,ratherthanless,worryasaresult.

Ifyou’vebecomeinvolvedwithchronicworry,thisiswhattherelationshipislike,andthisistheproblemyouneedtoaddress.

RelatingtoThoughtsWorry is a way of thinking, and that’s a big part of the problem. ModernWesterncultureemphasizestheroleofthoughtinlife,seeingitastheendpointofbillionsofyearsofevolution.Ifyou’relikemostpeople,youprobablyhavelotsof respect for thoughts.Especiallyyourown thoughts!Youprobablygivethecontentofyourthoughtsalotofattentionandcredibility,evenwhenyou’rehavingthoughtsthatseemexaggeratedanduntrue.

That leads to another part of the problem. If you’re likemost people, youprobablytendtothinkyoushouldbeincontrolofyourthoughts.Youmayhavetheideathatyoushouldonlyhavethethoughtsyoufinddesirableandusefulandnothavethethoughtsthatyoudon’twant.Andyet…yourmindhasamindofitsown. It’s perfectly commonplace to have thoughts that defy your sense ofcontrol,unwantedthoughtsthatresistyoureffortstoevictthem.Ifyou’veeverhadasong“stuckinyourhead,”youknowwhatImean.

Ifyou’renot so sure that thisapplies toyou, takeaminutenowanddon’t

thinkaboutthefirstpetyoueverhad.Putthebookdown,sitback,andtrythisforaminute.

Howdidyoudo? Ifyou’re likemostpeople,you’reprobablyhavingmorerecollectionsofthatpetthanyouhaveforyears.

ReviewYourTypicalWorriesLet’stakeacloserlookatsomeofyourworrisomethoughts.Thiscanhelpyoubetter understand the worry process and find your way out of a chronic,conflictualrelationshipwithworry.

Isthatokaywithyou—tolookatyourworrisomethoughtsandwritesomeofthemdown?

Youmightnotwanttodothis.Maybeyouhavethethoughtthatifyouwritethemdowntheywillgetmorepermanentlyfixedinyourmind,orevenbemorelikelytocometrue!Maybeyou’djustliketoforgetthemassoonaspossibleandenjoy the restofyourday.Maybeyou think that ifyouwrite themdown, thiswillleadyoutoworryevenmorethanyoualreadydo.

Maybeyou’rethinking,“Dave,Iboughtthisbooktogetridofmythoughts,nottowritethemdown!Ijustwanttoberidofthem.”

Butmaybethisiswhatyouusuallydo—trytopushthemaway.Andyethereyou are, reading a book about worry.What you’ve tried in the past probablyhasn’tbeenall thathelpful.If ithad,you’dprobablybedoingsomethingmoreenjoyablethanreading(andhopefully,writing)aboutworry!

Ifyourpasteffortstosolvethisproblemhaven’tdonethejob,it’sprobablynotduetothereasonyouimagine—thatthere’ssomethingwrongwithyou.It’smore likely to be because you got tricked into usingmethods thatweren’t sohelpful.You’llprobablydobetterwithadifferentapproach.So,ifyou’reatallwilling,experimentnowwithwritingdownafewofyourtypicalworriessoyoucandoalittleworkwiththem.

PutYourWorriesinaLineup

This is what you would do if you had been the victim of a crime, like amuggingorarobbery.You’dreportittothepolice,andtheywouldaskyoutositdownwiththepoliceartistanddescribethemuggersotheartistcoulddrawhim. This would help the police apprehend the perpetrator. It wouldn’t be

pleasant,butitwouldbeworthdoing.Sketchingoutsomeofyourworriestodothis review might be your first step toward changing your relationship withworryforthebetter.Isitworthatry?

What are some worries that bothered you recently?Write down a few ofthemonyourfavoriteelectronicdevice,ordoittheold-fashionedwaywithpenandpaper.

Takealookattheworriesyouwrotedown,andapplythistwo-parttest.

Isthereaproblemthatexistsnowintheexternalworldaroundyou?

Ifthereis,canyoudosomethingtochangeitnow?

Ifyouanswered“yes”and“yes”tothesequestions,thenperhapsyoushouldputthisbookasideandgodosomethingtochangetheproblemnow.Ifthere’sasignificant problem now in the physical world you inhabit, and you can dosomethingtochangeitnow,goaheadanddothat!

On the other hand, if you answered “no” and “no” (or “yes” to the firstquestion and “no” to the second), then you’re dealing with chronic worry.You’renervous,andthatworrisomethoughtisjustasymptomofbeingnervous.

Maybeyour answerwasneither “yes”nor “no”but included thoughts likethese:

It’snothappeningrightnow,butwhatifitstartssoon?

IfIdon’tstayonguardandwatchout,badthingsmighthappen.

Ihopeitdoesn’thappen,buthowcanIbesure?

Itprobablywon’thappen,butitwouldbesoawfulifitdid…

Isn’titpossiblethatthismighthappen?Isurehopeitdoesn’t!

IfIdon’tworryaboutit,thenitprobablywillhappen.

Thoughts like these are particularly tricky. You’re likely to have suchthoughtswhenyou try to persuadeyourself that somedreaded event just isn’tpossible,thatitwon’tandcan’thappen.It’sverydifficultto“proveanegative,”toprovethatsomething“won’thappen”inthefuture;tryingtoisalosinggame,aresponsethatbringsyoumoreworryratherthanless.

Cross-ExamineYourWorries

Thisislikethatmomentinacourtroomdrama,whenawitnessgivesalong-winded answer to a pointed question in an attempt to avoid answering itwith“yes” or “no,” and the judge finally orders the witness to just answer thequestion.You’renotonthewitnessstand,butitwillbehelpfultoanswerthesequestionswith“yes”or“no.”

Isthereaproblemthatexistsnowintheexternalworldaroundyou?

Ifthereis,canyoudosomethingtochangeitnow?

Yourbrainwillreferyoutovarious“possibilities.”You’llhavethoughtsthattellyousomethingbadcouldpossiblyhappensometimeinthefuture.Andthat’strue. It’s always true,whether you have thoughts about it or not.Anything ispossible, bad things sometimes do happen, and nobody knows the future.Butthis isof littlehelp in takingcareofbusinessnow. It’smorehelpful tonoticethose thoughts and still restrict yourself to choosing “yes”or “no.”And if theanswerisn’t“yes,”thenit’s“no.”

Doyouranswersincludethesekindsofthoughts?

I’llnevergetontherighttrack.

Iwon’tbeabletosolvethisbecauseI’llalwaysfeeldepressed.

Idon’tknowwhatthebestsolutionis,soI’llneversolvethisproblem.

Ican’tmakedecisions,letalonegooddecisions.I’mdoomedtosuffer.

Thesethoughtsmisdirectandmisleadyoubysuggestingaprobleminyourinternal world. The problem they suggest is usually about your being sodefective—so depressed, so insecure, so uncertain, so confused, so stupid, sowhatever—thatyouwon’tbeabletosolveyourproblemsandliveagoodlife.

Thisisa“trickier”kindofthought—atrickierformofbait—andpeopleveryoftenaredrawn into thinkingand rethinking it,obsessingabout it, feelingbadabout it, and, in all kinds of ways, “stuck in their heads” about it. So if youstrugglewiththesekindsofthoughts,considerthis.

How consistent are these thoughts over time? For instance, if my dogdevelops a limp, or a warning light comes on in my car and stays on, my

thoughts are usually consistent about these problems. I don’t have some dayswhereIthinkthelimporthelightdoesn’tmatter.I’mawarethatbothrepresentaproblemIneedtosolve,andIfeelconcern.Thatconcernremainswithmeuntiltheproblemgetsfixedorgoesaway.

Ontheotherhand,sometimesIhaveadiscouragingthoughtthatI’llneverbeabletofinishwritingthisbook,andIfeeldownanddepressedaboutthat.Thisthoughtwilltypicallylastalittlewhileandthengetreplacedbysomethingverydifferent.Forwhatever reason—IgetacomplimentonsomethingIwrote,or Igo see a funnymovie, or have a nice chatwith a friend—I start thinking andfeeling differently about this thought of being a terrible writer. My writingabilityisthesameasbefore,andsoismydraft.YetIfeel,andthink,differentlyaboutit.Inotherwords,mythoughtsaboutmywritingabilityarevariableandinconsistentovertime.

My thoughts aboutmydog’s limp, or thewarning light inmy car, remainconsistentovertimeuntilIfixtheproblem.

If you often experience the kind of thoughts above, thoughts that voice ageneral sense of despair, lack of ability, or hopelessness, ask yourself thesequestions:

Isthisthoughtconsistentovertime?Hasitbeenthesamethelastsevendays,and seven weeks? Or does it change—do I sometimes feel more optimistic,sometimesrealizethatthisthoughtisexaggerated?Doesitgoupanddownlikeemotionsdo?

“JUSTTHEFACTS,MA’AM”

Emotionschange,frequently,andoftenwithoutobviousreason.Factsdon’tchangeintheabsenceofnewevidence.Ifyourthoughtvariesinthisway,ifitchangeswithyourmood,thenitdoesn’treallyindicateapresentproblemintheexternalworld. It indicatessomeunhappinessorupsetwithinyourself, inyourinternalworld,thatvariesovertime—aprobleminhowyouviewandrelatetoyour internal experiences of thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. Itmightbeanissuethatfollowsyouperiodically,likeyourshadowwhenthelightisright,butitdoesn’trepresentaproblem“outthere”intheexternalworldanymorethanyourshadowrepresentsanassailant.It’snotaproblemthatyoucan,ormust,solverightnow.It’saproblemthatplaysoutinyourmind,withoutanycorrespondingrealityintheexternalworld.Andit’spartoftheburdenofbeinghuman.

Ifyouhadaproblem in the externalworldyouhad to solve rightnow,or

sufferbadconsequences,you’dknowit,andyou’dbedoingsomethingaboutit.Ifyourdrippingsinkwerestoppedupandabouttooverflow,you’dbedraining,not worrying. If your dog were whining and looking at the door, you’d bewalking,notworrying.

Oddsare,ifyou’reexperiencingchronicworryrightnow,youdon’thavearealproblemintheexternalworld.Infact,ifthesinkoverflowedrightnow,orthe dog started frantically scratching at the door, you’d probably quickly shiftgearsandtakecareoftheproblem.Worryingwouldbegone,forthemoment.

FEELINGSVS.THOUGHTS

Sometimes people mistake feelings for thoughts. For instance, you mighthear someone say, “I feel like I’llneverget agood job”or “I feel like I’m indanger.” But these aren’t feelings. They’re thoughts. Thoughts are ideas.Feelingsareemotions,and they’requitedifferent fromthoughts.Thoughtscanbetrueorfalse,orsomewhereinbetween.Feelingsareemotionalresponsesthatdon’t involve true or false. So when we look at these two examples, I thinkthey’remoreaccuratelyputlikethis:

IthinkI’llnevergetagoodjob,andIfeelsadaboutthat.

IthinkI’mindanger,andIfeelfearaboutthat.

The thoughts—about never getting a good job or about being in danger—maybetrueorfalse.Theemotionsarereactionstothecontentofthethoughts,regardlessofhowtrueorfalsethatcontentis.Wecanexperienceanemotionalresponse toafalse thought justaspowerfullyaswecantoa true thought.Ouremotionsarereactionstothecontentofourthoughts,regardlessofthereality(orlackthereof)behindthethoughts.

This realization, that we can have strong emotional responses to thoughtsthat are false as well as those that are true, is the basis for doing cognitiverestructuring,whichaimsatmakingourthoughtsmorerealistic.Itcanoftenbehelpful.However,it’scommonforpeoplewhoarestuckinchronicworrytofindcognitiverestructuring,andothereffortstoedittheirthoughtsintomorerealisticversions, somewhat less helpful than they hoped. We’ll take a look at thatprobleminthenextchapter.

ThinkingItOver

Worryiscommon,auniversalpartofthehumanexperience,butbecauseit’snotgenerallyvisibletoothers,you’relikelytothinkthatyou’reoneofaveryfew,maybetheonlychronicworrierintheworld.Notso!

What you worry about isn’t nearly as important as how you relate to theworry,howyoutrytogetitunderyourcontrol.Thepathoutofchronicworrywilltakeyouintoanexaminationofhowyoudealwithworry.It’stherethatyouarelikelytofindthatyou’vebeenusingmethodstocontrolworrythatareakintocuttingheadsoffthehydra—itjustleadstomoreheadsthatbiteandbreathefire! Recovery from chronicworrywill involve replacing thosemethodswithsomethingmoreeffectiveandtherebychangingyourrelationshipwithworry.

We’ll take a more detailed look at your responses to worry in the nextchapter.

CHAPTER3

YourDualRelationshipwithWorry

When I was training to become a psychologist, I had my first experienceworkingwithaclientwhostruggledwithworry.Thismanworrieda lotaboutlosinghisjob.Heobsessedovereverytinyerrororshortcominghedisplayedatwork andoverlooked all his good accomplishmentson the job.My supervisorwantedme to learn to use cognitive restructuringwith this client, which, youmayrecall,isamethodbywhichpeoplecanfindandcorrectthe“errors”intheirthinkingthatcausedistress.

The supervisor expected me to become good with these techniques, so Iworked hard at it. I helped my client become aware of how he was“maximizing”allthenegativesinhismindand“minimizing”allthepositivessothat his job seemed less secure than it probablywas.And one day,we had asessioninwhichthemanseemedtoshowsomegoodprogress.“Iseewhatyoumean,”hetoldme.“I’vebeenoverlookingallthegoodthingsIdoatwork,andoveremphasizing the things that can use some improvement. My boss seemsokaywiththeideathatIneedmoreexperienceandtraining,andheseemshappywithmostoftheresultsIgeteventhoughI’mnew.SoIguessI’vereallybeenexaggeratingtheriskofgettingfired.”

Ismiled,happyforhisprogress,andlookingforwardtodescribingittomysupervisor.Thenhecontinued,onceagaingettingupset,“Soyousee,that’swhatreallyworriesme.LookatalltheunnecessaryworryI’vebeendoing!Thatcan’tbe good for my health!What if it givesme a stroke, all this worrying aboutnothing?”

MyheartsankasIrealizedwehadn’tmadeasmuchprogressasIthought!But I should really thank thisman, if he happens to be reading this book, forgivingmesuchaclearexampleofthetwostancesoftheworryrelationship.Ontheonehand,hetookthethoughtaboutlosinghisjobveryseriouslyandworriedintenselyaboutit.Ontheother,whenherealizedthatthisworrywasunrealistic,heworriedabouthowmuchworryinghewasdoing!And,whenIsawhimthefollowingweek,hehadthoughtofsomemorereasonstobelievethathemightgetfiredandwasbacktoworryingaboutthat.Hewastreatingthesethoughtsthewayyoumightrespondtoapieceofcactusstuckinyourhand—toopainfultoleavealoneandtoopainfultoremove!

Thisman—andmostpeoplewhostrugglewithchronicworry—didn’thaveaproblemthatheworriedabout.Hehadtheproblemofworrying.

TheTwo-SidedRelationshipwithWorryIfyoustrugglewithchronicworry,oddsarethatyouassociatetheworrieswithdanger,intwoways.

Sometimes, you take the content of the worry thought as an importantpredictionofdanger. Itmightseemtoyouthat thoughtssuchasWhat if I losemy job?orWhat if Ihavecancer? arevalidwarningsabout troublewithyouremploymentoryourhealth,asignoftroubleinyourexternalworld.Inresponse,youeithertrytoprotectagainstthathypotheticaldangeroryoutrytoprovethatthereisn’tanydanger,sothatyoucanfeelbetterandstopworrying.

Bothofthoseresponsestendtofail.Other times, you recognize that these thoughts are “irrational” or unlikely,

andyoudon’t take the contentof theworry so seriously. Instead,youwonderwhy you keep having such grim and unlikely thoughts. You might take thepresenceofthethoughtasasignthatsomethingisgoingterriblywronginyourmind, in your internal world. You may think that you shouldn’t have suchthoughtsatall, thatthethoughtsthemselvesareasignofyoulosingcontrolofyourself. You might fear that such thoughts might even make you ill. Inresponse,youtryinvariouswaystosuppressorridyourselfofthethought.

Thisresponsealsotendstofail.Your relationship with worry may take two different forms. Let’s take a

closerlookathoweachoneworks.

Stance1:TreattheWorryasanImportantWarningThisisthefirststance.Youtakethecontentofyourworryseriously,and:

Look for ways to disprove the threats, and reassure yourself that thefearedcatastropheswon’tcometopass;and/oryou

Thinkofwaysyoucouldprotectagainstthefearedevents,andeitherusethemor“keeptheminmind”asafuturedefense.

Peoplewillfrequentlytakebothstepsabove,eventhough,ifyoucouldproveaneventwasn’tgoing tohappen,youwouldn’tneed todefendagainst it.Soaperson having thoughts of getting sick andmissing workmight try to soothehimselfthisway:“Iwon’tgetsick,Ihadaflushot,andanywayIhavelotsofsicktimeleftover.”

Let’slookatsomeofthecommonwayspeopleusethisstance.

ArguingwiththeWorry

You might get into a debate with your own thoughts, the same way youmight if you were arguing with another person. It’s a game of “point-counterpoint”andoftensoundslikethis.

Me:WhatifIlosemyjobandweallenduponthestreet?

AlsoMe:That’snotgoingtohappen—theyneedmeatthefirm!

Me:Whatifitdoes?

No matter what evidence or ideas you bring to the argument to reassureyourself, the other side of the debate always has a strategy for topping yourargument,asweseehere.

AlsoMe:It’sreallyunlikelyI’mgoingtolosemyjob,butifIdo,I’lljustfindanotherone.We’dgetby.

Me:Butwhatifyoudon’t?

This“whatif”argumentisacentralpartofchronicworry,andwe’lltakeagoodlookathowitworks,andwhattodoaboutit,inchapter6.

These debates you have with yourself are really circular. When you’redebatingtheseworries,doyoubringinanynewevidencesinceyoulasthadthedebate?

Probablynot!Instead,youfindyourselfrepeatingthesametiredoldpoints,havingprettymuchthesamedebateeachtime.Thesamethoughtskeepgettingrepeated,againandagain,withoutanyprogress,newideas,orproblemsolving.Nowonderitgetssoannoying!Ifitwereatelevisionprogram,you’dturnitofforchangethechannel—butthisTVsetdoesn’thaveanycontrols!

Ifyoufindyourselfarguingwithyourself,there’sonethingyoucancounton—you’renotgoingtowinthisargument.

How does the debate end? There’s no real conclusion. It ends when yourattentionisdrawntosomethingelse.Givenhowtediousthisongoingrepetitionofworriescanbecome,it’snowonderyouloseinterest!

Butit’llprobablybeback,sameasbefore,thenexttimeyourmindisidle.

RitualisticResponsesYoumight take thisa step furtherandengage inprivate, subtlebehaviorsyouhopewillendthedebate.Soapersonwhoworriesaboutchokingandgaggingmaycontinuallydrinksmallamountsofwater,eitherhopingtokeephis throat“open” thiswayor trying toprove that there isn’tanyproblem.Apersonwhoworries about leaving the stove or coffee pot on might linger in the kitchenbeforegoingtowork,playingwiththeon-offswitch,orevenunplugit.Apersonwho fears dying in a plane crash may touch the skin of the airplane whileboarding,“justforluck.”

Theseresponsesarealotlikesuperstitions.Herearesomecommonones.

Singingorhummingasongtoyourself

Praying with the expectation of a clear, reassuring answer from God(preferablyinwriting!)

Thinking about other people’s problems and telling yourself to begrateful

Snappingyourfingers

Puttingyourworriesina“worryjar”orsomethingsimilar

Relyingonluck—yourluckyshirt,luckybreakfast,andsoon

Counting something—the number of letters in a word; the number ofwords in a sentence; the number of people in line; the total of thenumbersinalicenseplate

Peoplegenerallyrecognizethatsuchresponseswon’treallyalteranythingintheexternalworld,but theycontinue touse them,perhapswith the thought, It

can’t hurt! If you use them occasionally, with a sense of humor and withoutascribing any real power to them, they probably won’t hurt your cause.However,ifyoufindyourselfinapatternwhereinyoufeelmorenervousifyourefrainfromyourritual,andfeelasthoughyou“must”followthishabit,thenitprobablydoeshurt.

InternetResearch(Googling)

The Internet has opened up new frontiers for people who struggle withworry.BeforetherewasanInternet,youhadtovisitalibraryorabookstoretoresearchyourworries.Now,withtheclickofamouse,anyonewithfingerscanenteracoupleofsearchtermsandseewhatcomesback.

Theironyisthatpeopledothishopingtofindoutthattheyhavenothingtoworryabout.Soifyou’reapersonwhoworriesthatyourcoughmightbeasignof cancer, or that your garage door opener might be set off by someone’smicrowave,youmightgotothewebhopingtofindapagethatsaysit’snotso.Thismightwork—there’sachancethatyou’llfindsomewebpageswithusefulinformationforyou.

However, if you want to eliminate all doubt, if you’re hoping to findconclusiveevidencethatprovesyoudon’thavecanceroryourgaragedoorcan’teveropenbyaccident,you’relikelytobedisappointed.Asmuchasyoumightlike togetabsoluteproof that thisproblemisn’toccurringnow,andcan’teveroccur in the future, thatevidence isnotavailable,becausewecan’tprove thatsomethingwillneverhappen.Whenyoustrugglemightilytofeelsure,it’slikeyou’rehopingtofindawebpagewithyourphotoandnameonit,andamessagesayingthatyou’reguaranteedtobeokay.Thatpageisnotavailable!Evenifitwere, thatwouldn’t be the end of it. If you ever did find such a page, you’dprobablyfindyourselfwondering,“Howcantheybesosure?”

ConsultExperts

Thiscomesupmostfrequentlyabouthealthconcerns,butpeoplewithothertypes of worries—about finances, real estate, taxes, child rearing, careerplanning,andsoon—alsogetcaughtupinthis.

If you consult an expert about a worry—maybe a cardiologist about yourheart,oranaccountantaboutyourtaxes—aconsultationwithoneexpertshouldgenerallybeenough.Insomecases,withreallycomplexissues,maybeasecondopinionwillseemnecessary.Butifyoufindthatyougetcaughtinapatternof

seeingavarietyofprofessionalsaboutyourconcern,andremaintoodoubtfultoactually use any of the recommendations—if you come away from theconsultationswithmorequestionsorhypotheticalreasonstodistrusttheanswersyou received—thenyou’reprobablycaughtup inacycleof seekingmoreandmoreprofessionalreassurance,andfeelinglessandlesssureasaresult.

Consult“Non-Experts”—Friends,Family,Coworkers,andNeighbors

In addition to, or often in place of, consulting experts,worriers frequentlyasklovedones,relatives,friends,andcoworkersforreassurance.Theydon’taskthese people for reassurance because they have some special expertise orknowledgeofthetopic.Theyaskthesepeoplebecauseit’sconvenientandfree!

Becauseofthis,theyputevenlessconfidenceinthereassurancetheyreceivefrom these “civilians” than they do in the expert opinions they received. Thediscussions theyhavewith familyor friendsoftendevolve intosomething liketheargumenttheyhaveintheirheads,withtheworriertryingtofindflawsinthereassurancebeingoffered.Theywonder if theotherperson is justsayingwhattheywant to hear, or humoring them to get them to change the topic. If youengage in this pattern, you probably don’t ask just once. You might askrepeatedly, asking the question in different ways to see if you get the sameanswer.Reassurancehasaveryshortshelflifeandlastsonlyalittlewhilebeforeyoustartseekingafreshsupply.

Thiskindofreassuranceseekingcanbeaburdenonamarriage,friendship,or other relationship. The party being asked for reassurance often becomesincreasinglyconcernedthatheorshedoesn’treallyknowwhat’shelpfultodo—to continue to answer the questions or “call the question” and encourage theaskertofindhisownanswers.

Avoidance

Another way that people take their worries seriously is with the use ofavoidance.It’sverycommonforpeopletoavoidwhattheyfear,evenwhentheyrecognize that their fears are exaggerated or unrealistic, and even when theavoidancecomeswithasignificantdisadvantage.

Youmight avoid conversationswith your boss, even though such contactsmight help your career and facilitate your work. You might avoid groupactivitieswhere you fear being observed and judged, like open house at yourchildren’s school or a neighborhood block party, even though this limits your

social life; youmight avoid answering the phone, ormaking calls; youmightavoidgoingforyourannualphysical;youmightavoida taskbecauseyoufeelcompelled to do it perfectly and worry you’ll have trouble finishing it. Youmightavoidcertainlocationsoractivitiesforfearofhavingapanicattackthere.

If you fear public speaking, you’re likely to avoid requests to address agroup, be it at work, your child’s school, or a civic organization. If you fearplane crashes, even if you are familiar with the safety statistics showing thatflyingisthesafestformoftravel,you’relikelytoavoidflyingorendureitwithgreatdiscomfortandtheuseofalcoholortranquilizers.Highwaydriving,dogs,elevators, being alone, sitting in themiddle of a pew—if youworry about it,there’sagoodchanceyouavoidit.

Thisisarealproblemwhenyouyourselfrecognizethatyourworryisbasedonan“irrational”fear.“Iknowitdoesn’tmakeanysense,”peoplesay.“That’swhatreallybothersmeaboutthesethoughts!”

Your recognition that your worries are exaggerated or unrealistic doesn’thelpyouifyoucontinuetoavoidwhatyoufearanyway.Ifyouavoidtheobjectofyourworries,youwillbecomemoreafraidofthem.Whatyoudocountsformuchmorethanwhatyouthink.

CognitiveRestructuringTakenTooFar

Ifyou’veeverworkedwithacognitivebehavioraltherapist,orreadanyself-help books based on cognitive behavioral therapy, you’ve probably triedcognitive restructuring.When you do cognitive restructuring, you identify themistaken thoughts that fuelyourupsetandreplace themwith thoughts thataremorerealistic.Then,hopefully,youarelessbotheredbythesenewthoughts.

Proponents of cognitive restructuring have identified a number of these“errors of thinking” in order to help people identify and change them. Theseincludesucherrorsas:

Overgeneralizing—believingthatonebadmomentmeansthewholedayisgoingtobeterrible

Mindreading—thinkingyoucantellwhatothersarethinking,especiallyaboutyou

MaximizingbadprobabilitiesandMinimizingyourability toadapt todifficulties

Fortunetelling—thinkingyouknowwhatthefutureholds

Black and white thinking—thinking of extremes without recognizingthemiddleground

Cognitiverestructuringcanbeveryhelpfulwithavarietyofproblems.Forinstance,aspeakerwhogetsnervousonseeingpeopleintheaudiencewhoyawnor lookat theirwatchesprobablyhas some thoughts to the effect that theydothis because he’s boring, and that’s why he feels nervous. However, if thespeaker can review these thoughts and recognize that there are many reasonswhyaudiencemembersmightdosuchthings—theydidn’tsleepwell,theyhaveto leave early for another meeting, and so on—then he might become moreaccepting of their yawns and watch checking without necessarily taking suchbehaviorsasnegativecommentsonthequalityofhispresentation.

However, it’s likely tocauseyoumore trouble ifyouuse it inaneffort toabolishyourbad thoughts,andbecome“sure” thatyourworrieswillnotcometrue.Thisiswhereyoumightfindyourselfcrossingoverintothesecondstance.A successful public speaker might still experience the same thoughts as anervousonewhensheobservesyawnsduringherpresentationandjustnotpaythemanymind,treatingthemlikebackgroundnoisewhileshegoesonwithhertalk.However, ifaspeaker tries toeliminate these thoughtsfromhermind,onthegrounds that the thoughts aremistaken and shouldnot present themselves,thenshe’slikelytoenduptalkingmoretoherworriesthantoheraudience.Inthiscase,cognitiverestructuringmayworkjustlikearguingwithyourworryandbringyoubacktotheoriginalproblem.

Ifyouwanttousecognitiverestructuring,beguidedbytheresultsyouget.Ifyou find that these methods help you recognize that your worries areexaggeratedandunrealistic,andyoubecomelessbotheredbythem,thenyou’regetting good results and can expect to continue to benefit from using them.However,ifyoufindthatyoureffortstoidentifyandremovethe“errors”inyourthinking leadyou to arguemorewithyour thoughts in an effort to removealluncertainty, then you’re probably trying too hard to purify your thoughts. Itmight help to do the cognitive restructuring with a lighter, more permissivetouch. (It might also help to use some of the acceptance-based methods I’llintroduceinchapters8to10inplaceofcognitiverestructuring.)

Nowlet’slookattheotherstanceinthisdualrelationshipwithworry.

Stance2:StopThinkingThat!People take this stancewhen they becomeworried about howmuchworryingthey’re doing. In Stance 1, they were very concerned about the potentialproblemstheywerethinkingof,butnowitseemscleartothemthatthethoughtsare just a bunch of worthless worry, of noisy nonsense. Unfortunately, thisdoesn’t lead them to feel anybetter. Instead, theyworry aboutdoing somuchworrying!Theystarthavingthoughtslike,Thesethoughtsdon’tmakeanysense,whycan’tIstopthem?WhatifIgetaheartattackorstrokefromallthisworry?orWhatifthesethoughtspreventmefromdoingmyjobandIgetfired?orWhydoIworrysomuch?Imustbegoingcrazy!

Whenyouexperiencethesekindsofthoughts,you’reontheothersideoftheworry street.You’renot trying todisprove the thoughts. In fact,youmightbequiteclearthatthethoughtsare“irrational”andnottobebelieved.That’sgood.Unfortunately,though,you’renowinadifferentkindofstruggle—thestruggleto“stopworrying.”

WithStance1,youwereafraidthattheworrieswereaccuratepredictionsoftrouble, and you spent a lot of time thinking about them, researching theproblem,discussingitwithlovedones,tryingtopersuadeyourselfthatyouweresafe. Now, you’re much less concerned with the apparent content of thethoughts.Now you’re bothered by howmuchworrying you do, and afraid ofhow the worry itself might affect you. You have thoughts that worry mightpreventyoufromeverenjoyingyour life, frombeingagoodparentorspouse,thatitmightmakeyoulessproductiveatwork,thatitmightbecomeobvioustoothersanddamageyourreputation,eventhatitmightliterallykillyou.Sonowyoutrytogettheworryoutofyourhead.Youtrydistraction,thoughtstopping,avoidingthesubject,anythingto“stopthinkingaboutit.”

While there is some overlap, most of the ways that people try to controlStance2worryaredifferentfromthemethodstheytriedwithStance1.Herearesomeofthekeywayspeopletryto“stopworrying.”

DistractingYourself

Avery common response is to try to distract yourself, so you don’t thinkaboutthetopicsthatworryyou.Distractionsometimesworkstotakeyourmindoff a problem, especially when the distraction is an outside event like anunexpectedphonecall,ahouseholdemergency,oryourdogbarking.However,youcan’tcountonthiskindofdistraction—it’sunpredictableandunreliable.So

many people try to deliberately distract themselves from their unpleasantthoughts and worries. They might hum a favorite tune, look over some textmessages they’ve already read, or phone a friend just to chat. This quicklybecomesasourceoftrouble,fortworeasons.

Thefirstisthatwhenyoutrytodeliberatelydistractyourself,you’reawareofwhatyoudon’twant to thinkof.You tell yourself to “thinkabout this, notthat.”Onceyou’vedonethis,it’stoolate—you’realreadythinkingofwhatyouhopedtoavoid!

The second reason is that the use of distraction strengthens the belief thatthoughtscanbedangerous.Onthoseoccasionswhenitworks,youareliterallytraining yourmind to expect reliefwhen the thought leaves—and therefore tofeelupsetwhenthethoughtremains,orreturns.Themoreeffortyoumaketogetthose thoughtsoutofyourhead, themoreyourmindwill justify the effortbyviewing the thoughts as dangerous. The truth is, thoughts simply aren’tdangerous. Actions can be dangerous; thoughts can only be unpleasant. Ifthoughtsweredangerous,theobituarypageswouldbebanned.There’snosuchthingasa“killerjoke.”Themoreyouusedistraction,themoreyoustrengthenthisimpressionthatthoughtscanbehazardous.

Avariationondistractioniswhenpeopletryreallyhardto“thinkpositive.”It’sprobablyagoodthingtoenjoypositivethoughts.Butwhenyoustruggletomake your thoughts positive, all too often you’re going to end up with theoppositeresult.

ThoughtStopping

Whenpeoplefindtheirabilitytodistractthemselveserodesovertime,theyoften escalate their effort to thought stopping. Here, by sheer power of will,peoplesternlyinstructthemselvesto“Stopthinkingaboutthat.”Theymayevensnap a rubber band on their wrist and say “Stop!” I’m sorry to say that thistechniquehasactuallymadeitswayintotheself-helpliterature,andeventodayyoumay find books advocating this technique. It ranks high among theworstadviceIhaveeverseeninprint!

Thoughtstoppingworkslikebanningbooks—itjustpromotesinterestintheforbiddentopic!Itleads,inevitably,tothereturnofthethoughtsyouweretryingtostop.Allyou’llhavetoshowforitwillbesomeredweltsonyourwrist.

Shouldyouusethoughtstopping?Don’teventhinkaboutthoughtstopping!

UseofSubstances

It’s quite common for people to try to control theirworrywith the use ofsubstances that they ingest. Here the aim is not to dispute or contradict thecontentoftheworries.It’ssimplytostoptheworrythoughtsfromarising.

DRUGSANDALCOHOL

Peoplewillfrequentlyturntotheuseofstreetdrugsandalcoholinanefforttorelaxandquiettheirmind.Itworks,untilitdoesn’t,andthenyouhaveamuchbiggerproblemthanyouhadbefore.

Onadailybasis,youmightfindthatwhileyourdrugofchoicehelpedyourelax thenightbefore, it leavesyoufeeling lesscomfortableandmoreanxiousthenextday,ahangovereffect.Thisispartofaterriblechainofdependencyinwhich you can becomemore andmore reliant on the drug or on alcohol anddevelop the additional problemof substance abuse as a result.There isn’t anyproblemthatcan’tbemadeworsebytheuseofdrugsandalcoholasasolution.

Tobaccousefollowsthesamepattern.

PRESCRIPTIONMEDICATIONS

I’musuallyskepticalabouttheuseofprescriptionmedicationsforreducingworry.Ithinkitoftencausesmoretroublethangood.Itstrengthenstheideathatyou need protection from your thoughts, and often produces unwelcome sideeffects.

However, Ihaveseen theoccasionalclientwhobenefited frommedicationwhen nothing else helpedmuch. If you are going to try thesemedications totamereallypersistentworries,beguidedby theresultsyouget. If,onbalance,yourlifeseemstoworkbetterwiththemedicationthanwithout,thatsoundslikeareasonablygooduseofmedication.

COMFORTFOODS

Ifonlythecomfortlastedwithoutaddingweight,andstrengtheningtheurgetoeat!Ofcourseitdoesn’t,andinthisregardtherelianceonemotionaleatingresemblestherelianceondrugsandalcohol.

AvoidanceofCuesandRemindersWhen you’re in the stance of taking your worries seriously, you may avoidsituationsandobjectsinthe“realworld.”Apersonwhofearsflyingwillavoid

airplanes,andsimilarlywithpeoplewhofeardogs,driving,andsoon.Whenyou’reinthestanceofsimplyworryingabouthowmuchyouworry,

youmayfindyourselfavoidingsourcesofinformationinanefforttocontrolorlimit what you think about. You might limit your use of mass media—newspapers,television,andsoon—forfearofhearingastorythattriggersyoutothink about feared subjects.Youmight limit yourTVwatching to theDisneyChannel,oryourreadingofperiodicalstothechildren’sHighlightsmagazineinyourdentist’soffice(unlessyoufeardentists…).

In a similar way, you may hope, or expect, a spouse or friend to stopmentioning the topics you find scary, and becomeupsetwith themwhen theydon’tdoagoodjobofthis.

Likeothereffortstocontrolorlimityourthoughts,theseeffortsusuallyleadpeopletofeelmorevulnerableand“onguard”ratherthanmorecomfortableandsecure.

SupportPeople

We all naturally enjoy contact and communication with others. However,sometimes peoplewho strugglewith chronicworry becomedependent on oneparticularperson forongoing reassurance.Relyingon a support person carriessome of the same advantages and disadvantages as the use of alcohol to self-medicate. You can get some quick temporary relief, faster than you wouldotherwise; but the long-term disadvantages greatly outweigh the temporaryadvantage.Thelong-termdisadvantagesofrelyingonasupportpersonincludediminished self-confidence, as you attribute all your coping to the supportperson,ratherthanyourself,andthelossofindependenceandinitiative,asyoucometorelyonandrequiretheaidofthesupportperson.

Supportpeoplemaybepressedintoserviceinbothpartsoftherelationshippeoplehavewithworry.InStance1,whenyoutaketheapparentcontentoftheworry seriously, youmay look for repeated reassurance that the feared eventswillnotoccur.InStance2,whenyoustruggleto“stopthinking”abouttheworrytopic, youmight bemore likely to look to the support person as a source ofdistraction,orasourceofgeneralreassurancethatallwillbewell.

Does thispersonhaveanyspecialpowers?No.Their influencestemsfromtherelationshiptheyhavewithyou.

SupportObjects

Support objects work the same way as support people, but without thepossibility of back talk. It’s quite common for people to fall into the habit ofcarryingobjectswith theminaneffort to reduce theirworry.Sometimes theseobjects seem to have some logical butmisleading connection to theworry, aswhen a person who worries about choking keeps a water bottle handy at alltimes.Othertimesthey’remorelikeasuperstitiousluckycharm.

Whiletheuseofsuchobjectsinanefforttoreduceworrycanseemharmlessenough,itcancauseyousomeproblems.Youcancometobelievethatyouneedtheseobjectstogetalong,andcontinuetofeelvulnerabletoworrybecauseyousuppose theseobjects are somehowprotectingyou. If youbelieve anobject isprotecting you, you’ll probablyworry about having an adequate supply of theobject.Forinstance,ifyouhavethethoughtthatyouneedawaterbottletostayalive,isonebottlereallyenough?Additionally,whilerelianceontheseobjectsmay help you get some quick temporary comfort, it also prevents you fromnoticingthatthingsareokaywithorwithoutthesupportobject.

I’mreachingbackintothedistantpastforthisreference,butifyou’veseenthe DisneymovieDumbo (1941), youmight recognize Dumbo’s feather as asupportobject.Dumbo, the flyingelephant,mistakenlyattributedhisability toflytoamagicalfeather,anditwasn’tuntilhedroppedthefeatherthathecameto realize that he was stronger and more capable than he realized. YouyoungsterscanGoogleit!

Herearesomecommonsupportobjects.

Snackfoods

Picturesofgrandkidsorotherlovedones

Booksaboutanxiety

Cellphones

Waterbottles

Itemsthatgrant“luck,”likeafour-leafcloverorarabbit’sfoot

Worrybeads

Rosarybeads

Medications

Medications can be support objects independent of their medicinal effect.Many people carry Xanax and similar medications for years without everingestingapill.Theygetreliefjustfromknowingthebottleisintheirpocketorpurse! Iworkedwithaclientwhoworrieda lotabouthavingapanicattack,amanwhoenjoyed scubadiving.Whenhewentdiving,hekept aXanax tabletstrappedtohisleg,inawaterproofcontainerbeneathhiswetsuit,eventhoughitwouldbeimpossibletoreachitduringadive!

TakeInventoryWhich of the anti-worry behaviors described in this chapter do you usemostfrequently?Dotheyserveyouwell,orpoorly?Whichwouldyoulike to leavebehind?

Before you move on, take a few minutes to make a list of them, andperiodicallyreviewit,updatingitasnecessary.

ThinkingItOverInthischapter,I’vedescribedthedualrelationshippeopleestablishwithworry.Sometimesyou take the apparent content of theworry thoughts seriously, andtry toprotect against the thoughtsordisprove them.Sometimesyou recognizethat the thoughts are exaggerated and unrealistic, worry about how muchworryingyoudo,andtryhardtostophavingsuchthoughts.

Neitherresponseworksovertime.Neitheriscapableofgivingyouthereliefyouseek.Instead,bothmakeyoursituationwithworryworseratherthanbetterandaddtoyoursenseofbeing“stuck”inyourworries.Perhapsevenworse,theymay lead to thedemoralizingobservation“Theharder I try, theworse itgets”andleaveyoufeelingunabletohelpyourself.

Fortunately,thereisaneffectivewayoutofthislogjam.Yoursituationwithworryhasbeengettingworsebecauseyou’rebeentrickedintotryingthingsthatdomakeitworse.Asyoucometodiscoverthis,youcanturnyourattentionandenergytodifferentkindsofresponsestoworry,responsesthatwillrewardyoureffortsbymakingyoursituationbetter.Inlaterchapters,Iwillshowyousome

methodsyoucantry,methodswhichwillprobablybringyoumoreoftheresultsyouwant.

Chapter4

FeelingAfraidintheAbsenceofDanger:HowOddIsThat?

You’reprobablyreadingthisbookbecauseyou’rebotheredbyalotofworrythatyourecognizeisunrealisticandexaggerated.Itsoundsoddtosay,butthat’sthegoodnews.Youdon’treallyhavealltheproblemsthatyourworriessuggest.Thebadnewsisthattheseworriesfunctionlikearedflagtoabull.Theredflagisn’t a threat to thebull, but its appearance leads thebull to charge andmakehimselfvulnerabletotheswordsandspearsofthematador.Yourworriesaren’ta threat toyou,but theirappearance invitesyou tostruggle toget ridof them,andthat’swhatmakesyouvulnerabletomoreworrying.Whenyouresistyourthoughts,youhopetobethematador,butyou’reactuallythebull.

Thischapterwillhelpyouseehowthiskindofworry isnotevidenceofaweak or troubled mind but a natural consequence of how our brains areorganized.This is really important, because if youkeepgetting “suckered”bythe idea that your worries mean there’s something wrong with you, you willkeepgettingtrickedintorespondinginwaysthatmakethingsworse,ratherthanbetter.You’llkeeptakingthebait.Soletmeshowyouhowtheseworriesarethenaturalconsequenceofthekindofbrainswehaveandtheworldwelivein.Thiswillputyouinagoodpositiontousethedifferentresponsestoworrythatwillcomeinthefollowingchapters.

FearforSaleIf you frequently get anxious in response to your worry thoughts—if youfrequently get afraid when you’re not in danger—does this mean there’ssomethingwrongwithyou?

Theshortanswerisno.Thisispartofwhatit is tobehuman.Wecanfeelafraidevenwhenweknowwe’renotindanger.

Forevidence,youneedonlygotoyourlibrary,yourfavoritebookseller,orthemovie listings inyour area.What’s theevidence? It’s the scarybooksandmovies that are so commercially successful in our culture. Billions of dollarschangehandsaroundtheglobeeveryyearinthebusinessofscaryentertainment.

Youmightwonderwhysomeonewouldwantsuchanexperience,muchlesspay goodmoney for it. That’s a good question, but it’s not what I findmostinteresting about scary entertainment. The most interesting thing about scarybooks and movies is that they work. People can read or watch material theyknowtobepurefictionandactuallyfeelafraid!Scarymoviesmaynotbeyourcupoftea,andyoucertainlydon’tneedtogoseeany,butIwanttopointouttoyou that they work, and to help you see what this says about humanity ingeneral.

It’sOnlyaMovie,ButItCanStillScareYou

People who watch scary movies already know “it’s only a movie.” Thatdoesn’tmatter.Theybecomeafraidanyway.Thisability,tobecomeafraidevenwhen we know we’re not in danger, is a characteristic of our species. If itweren’t,StephenKingwouldbewriting forGoodHousekeepingMagazine! Ifyou tend to blame and criticize yourself for becoming afraid of your ownexaggerated and unrealistic worries, this is very important information toconsider.

Ifyouwatchareallyscarymovieandbecomeafraid,youmight try tellingyourself“it’sonlyamovie,”butthisrarelytakesawaythefear.Ifyou’rereallyworried about something, and a good friend tells you to “stopworrying aboutthat,”thatusuallydoesn’thelpeither.

Onereasonthisrarelyworks is thatwedon’tdirectlycontrolour thoughts.Wecandirectourattentiontoaparticularproblem,suchasamathproblemtobesolved,oracrosswordpuzzletobecompleted.Butwecan’tcompelourbrainstoproduceonlythethoughtswewantandnoneofthethoughtswedon’twant.Noonecan.

The problem we have with worry isn’t just that we don’t control ourthoughts.Theproblemis thatweoften forget that,ordon’tknowit,and thinkthatweshouldbecontrollingourthoughts.Thisleadsustoanunnecessaryandcounterproductivewrestlingmatchwithourthoughts.

WhyDoIHaveTheseThoughts?MaybeyouseethepointI’mmakingaboutscarymoviesbutstillblameyourselfforgettingworriedandafraid.Sometimespeoplepointouttomethattheycouldunderstand getting afraid while watching a scary movie, but they’re getting

afraidwithoutthescarymovie,andthisiswhytheyblamethemselves.It’s true that they’renotgoing toa theater in theirexternalworld,but they

arewatchingascarymovie,ofsorts.It’s“intheirhead,”intheirinternalworld,in that space we all use for imagination. It’s a private showing that’s alwaysopenforanaudienceofone.It’saone-personshow,amonologueofallkindsofunrealistic“whatif”thoughtsofunlikelycalamities.

Whyisthismovieplayingthere,inyourhead?Tounderstandthis,youneedtoconsiderthepurposeofanxiety.

What’sthePurposeofAnxiety?

What do you think anxiety is good for?Why dowe have the capacity tobecomeanxious?

You’reintheballparkifyouidentifiedsomethingaboutprovidinganalerttopotential danger. It’s to identify potential problems and threats, before theydevelop intoa fullblowncrisis, so thatwecandevisesolutionsand livemoresafely. That’s a good ability. We need that. More than any other species,probably, we have brains that give us the ability to imagine different futurescenariosandplanresponses.Thisishowsomeearlyhunterfiguredouthowtotraphugemammothsinapitwheretheycouldbecomefoodfortheentiretribe.This ability helped us become the top predator on the planet, even in aworldwithbigger,stronger,andfasterpredatorsthathadbiggerteethandclaws.

AFALSEPREDICTION

Butthisabilitytoimaginefuturedevelopmentsisn’tperfect.Itcan’tbe.Wedon’tknow the futureuntilweget there, andour imaginedprojectionofwhatwillhappenissubjecttoerror.Andthereareonlytwopossibletypesoferrors.

TypeOneiscalleda“falsepositive.”Youbelievesomethingispresentwhenit’snot.Ifacavemanhuddlesinhiscaveallday,quakingwithfearbecausehethinkshehearsasaber-toothed tiger lurkingnearby,when it’s justacoupleofrabbits that could be ameal for the clan, that’s a false positive.Hewon’t geteaten by a false positive, but it might prevent him from going outside andgathering food that he needs, or discovering that a nearby tribe is coming toattackhim.

TypeTwoiscalleda“falsenegative.”Youbelievesomethingisabsentwhenit’sactuallypresent.Ifacavemanstrollsoutofhiscave,confidentthattherearenosaber-toothedtigersaroundwhenoneisquietly,patientlyhidingbehindsome

rocks,that’safalsenegative.Thecavemancangeteatenbyafalsenegative.Nobrainiserror-free,soyouhavetohavesomekindsoferrors.Whichtype

would you choose? Thinking there’s a tiger when there’s none, or thinkingthere’snotigerwhenthereisone?OurbrainsgenerallyfavorType1errorsoverType2,andchronicworryistheresult.Thismeansyouwillprobablyneverbesurprised by a saber-toothed tiger, but you might instead spend a lot of timehuddling in a dark, barren cave fearing tigers that aren’t actually there,whiledaredeviltribesstealyourcropsandenjoyamealofbroiledrabbit.

HavingabrainthatfavorsType1errorsprobablyhelpedourspeciessurvive.And, like every other trait, it’s distributed in different proportions among thepopulation,justlikeheight.Somepeoplehavealotofthistendency,andsomejustalittle.Ithelpsthetribetohavesomeofbothtypesofpeople—aggressivewarriorswhohavesolittlefearthattheywillgooutandbringhomeamastodonforlunch,andcautiousmemberswhowon’thaveanypartofthat,butwillalsolivelongenoughtoraiseanewgeneration,andfeeditbygrowingcorn.

Sothereareadvantages,atleasttothespecies,toworrying.That’swhyweoften have a tendency to worry. And some of us, by virtue of our geneticheritage, have more of a tendency than others. If you struggle with chronicworry, theoddsaregood thatotherswhocamebeforeyou inyour family linehadasimilarstruggle.

But,youmightwonder,isn’tthisalllearned?Haven’tItrainedmyselftobeaworrywart?Anddoesn’tthatmakeitmyfault?

IsItAllYourFault?

No.Youmightbeassumingthatwe’reallbornasablankslate,thatallourpersonalities and traits develop from learning, but it’s not so. If yougo to thematernitywardofyour localhospital and seeall thenewbabies, as theproudrelativescome tosee themthere,youmightnoticehowtheyallhavedifferentreactions to the lightsand thenoise.Some lookdirectlyat the sourceofnoiseand light and appear interested.Others cry and show signs of distress.Othersshownointeresteitherway.Thesearenewbornbabies,andyet they’reclearlyquite different from each other in their apprehension, and interpretation, ofthreat.

If you struggle with excessive chronic worry as an adult, there’s a goodchancethistendencygoesbackearlierinyourlife,evenbeforeitappearedtobea problem.Youmight stop to consider—did you show any tendencies toward

extraworryinyourchildhoodandearlyyears?Whatstoriesdoyourparentsandolder siblings tell about you about this? It’s frequently the case that this traitgoesbackaways,evenbeforepeopleclearlyrecognizeditforwhatitwas.

Ourbrainsdidn’tevolve tobalancebankaccounts,doquantumphysics,orenjoynovels.Theyevolvedtohelpussurvive,bywatchingoutfordangerandsolvingproblems.Brainsthatweremoresensitivetodanger—evenif theysawtentigersforeveryonethatactuallyexisted—hadanadvantage,andthepeoplewhohadthemweremorelikelytosurvive,andreproduce.

Our brains have the same basic function today—to watch for danger andsolveproblems.However,ourenvironmenthaschangedradically.Wedon’tdealwithsaber-toothedtigers,rockslides,andswampsasmuchasweusedto.Still,our brains continue to watch for bad possibilities, however remote andhypothetical,andtrytofigureoutwaysaroundthem.

Wealsospendmoretime“inourheads”thanourancestorsdid.Inmoderncivilizations, people spend much more time processing information—books,Internet, movies, and so on—than did our ancestors, who were much morefocused on dealingwith the physical objects in their environment.We get sousedtoworkingwiththoughtsthatweoftenequateourthoughtswithreality.Wemistake thecontent that exists inour internalworld for theobjects andeventsthat occur in our external world. It’s not the same. That content is just ourthoughtsabouttheexternalworld.

And,there’snooffswitchtothebrain.Itdoesthisallthetime,whetheryoulike it or not. Like other vital functions that are important to our survival, itproceedswithoutourconsciouscontrol.That’swhyyouseemorescarymoviesin your head than youwould otherwise choose, if it were entirely up to yourconscious,deliberatechoice.

Worryisnotyourenemy,althoughitcaneasilyseemthatway.Ifyouhavechronicworry,itcancauseyoualotoftroubleandunhappiness,andyouwillbemuchbetteroffwhenyoufindabetterwaytorelatetoit.Butchronicworryisnotsometerribleenemythatseekstoruinyourlife.Norisitsomeshamefulflawin your brain structure or your character.Chronicworry ismore like a usefulability thathasgrowndisproportionately largeand influentialevenas theneedfor it has declined. Chronic worry is to ordinary worry as five pounds ofchocolateistooneounce.Onewillmakeyoufeelsick,whiletheotherisaniceadditiontoyourdiet.

Ifyoustrugglewithchronicworry,it’saproblem,aproblemtobesolvedorleft unsolved.But don’t get tricked into believing that it’s your fault, or your

enemy.

There’sMoretotheBrainThanYouThink

People often get very frustrated at their inability to talk themselves out ofworrisomethoughts.“Iknowbetterthanthis,”they’llsay,“butitdoesn’thelp!”Theythinkthereasonitdoesn’thelpisthatthere’ssomethingwrongwiththem.However,therealreasonisthatadifferentpartofthebraingetsinvolvedwhenyou’reafraid.

Mostpeople,when they think about their brain, think about thepart that’scalledthecerebralcortex.Thisiswhereconsciousthoughttakesplace,andit’swhereweuselanguageandlogic.There’salotmoretothebrain,differentpartsthat function differently. One of the other parts is called the amygdala. Theamygdalahasnumerousfunctions,butoneof itsprimaryjobsisregulatingthefearresponsesoffightandflight.

MeetYourAmygdalaIwanttotellyouafewthingsabouttheamygdalathatwillhelpyouunderstandwhyyou’vebeenhavingsomuchtroublewithchronicworry.

The amygdala handles fight and flight responses because it’s capable ofmuchfasteractionthanthecerebralcortex.Ithasdirectconnectionstooureyesandears,gettinginformationfromtheoutsideworldbeforeanyotherpartofthebrain.Thisrapidflowofinformationfromtheoutsideenablestheamygdalatoquicklyanswerthequestion,“Isitsafe?”1

Theamygdaladoesn’tuselanguage.Itlearnsbyassociation,andthat’showit remembers. So if you had a first panic attack in an Italian restaurant, youmight thereafter have anxious thoughts and feel uneasy whenever you see acheckered tablecloth, or smell spaghetti sauce, and youmight not knowwhy.That’syouramygdalaatwork,tryingtokeepyousafeasitbestknowshow.

Your cerebral cortexcanobserve that there’snodanger, just antipasto andgarlicbread.Atthemovies,itcanobservethere’snomonster,justamovieaboutmonsters. Why doesn’t the cerebral cortex tell the amygdala to stand down?Becausethenervousconnectionsbetweentheamygdalaandthecerebralcortexonlyallow forone-waycommunication.Theamygdalacan send signals to thecortex,butnottheotherwayaround.

This is agood thingbecause theamygdala is responsible formaking rapidresponses to dangerous circumstances.When a bus runs a red light and headsyour way as you cross the street, your amygdala takes charge, and you findyourselfdartingoutofthewaywithoutconsciouslyidentifyingtheproblemandthinking of a solution. Whatever you happened to be thinking when the buslurched in your direction is gone, because your cortex has been effectivelysilenced.Youdon’t need thoughtwith a runawaybus, youneedquick action!Wedon’thavetimeforalltheconscious,deliberatethoughtofthecortexatthatmoment.Comparedtotheamygdala,thecortexislikeacommitteeofoldguys,sitting around reminiscing, arguing, and using more words than necessary todescribebustripsthey’vetaken.It’stooslowforemergencies!

This is why you can’t calm down by telling yourself the worries areirrational. The amygdala isn’t listening. It doesn’t have time for all theyammeringofyourcerebralcortex. It’s toobusywatching for signsof troubleandresponding,tryingtoprotectyoutheonlywayitknowshow—goadingyouintoactionbymakingyouanxious.

Maybeyou’rethinkingnowthatyou’dliketotellyouramygdalaathingortwo.Youcan’t!Itdoesn’tuselanguage!Sohowcanyouretrainyouramygdalasoitdoesn’tpushthepanicbuttonwhenyou’renotreallyindanger?

Final fact you need about the amygdala: it only “learns,” or creates newmemories,when it’s activated.Knowwhat Imeanbyactivated? Imeanwhenyoubecomeafraid.Wheneverythingseemsroutine,andyou’rejustgoingalongwithbusiness asusual, your amygdala is on standbyandnotmakinganynewmemories. It’s only when your amygdala detects what it takes as a sign ofdanger that it activates your sympathetic nervous system, enabling fight andflightresponses,andthenitwillmakememories.

Your opportunity to retrain your amygdala, and change your relationshipwithchronicworry,comeswhenyoufeelfrightenedorupsetbyyourthoughts.If you had a dog phobia, youwould retrain your amygdala by spending timewithadog,gettingafraid,andhangingoutwiththedoglongenoughforthefeartosubside.Thentheamygdalawouldmakesomenewobservationsaboutdogs,and as you repeatedly spent timewith dogs, your chronic fear reactionwouldsubside.Youcan’t“tell”youramygdalathatdogsareokay,butyoucancreatetheopportunitiesforittodiscoverthat.

Andifyou’reapersonwithchronicworry,theworrisomethoughtsareyourdogs.Youcanmakeprogressthesamewaythepersonwithadogphobiamakesprogress—byworkingwithyourthoughts,ratherthanagainstthem.

“GettingThroughIt”MissesthePoint

Whenpeoplegetmore fear than theybargained for in a scarymovie, theyoftenemployavarietyof techniques to“get through it.”Theycould leave thetheater—some people do—but most want to stay if possible, usually becausetheycametothetheaterwithafriendwhowantstostay.Sotheydosomethingsinanefforttoholdthefearatbaywhiletheyremaininthetheater.

Maybe theydistract themselves by retying their shoelaces, or checking fortext messages. Maybe they try some cognitive restructuring, remindingthemselves “It’s only amovie!” although they already knew that.Maybe theycover theirearsorclose theireyes, trying to take in lessof thescarymaterial.Maybetheygrabontothepersonnexttothem.(Thatworksbestifyoucameinwiththatperson!)

The techniques people use to get through a scary movie resemble thetechniques people often use with chronic worry. The safety behaviors youreviewed in chapter 3—involving efforts such as distraction, changing orcorrectingyour thoughts,andreducing thecuesor informationcoming toyourattention—allworklikethesescarymovietechniques.It’simportanttoseethatthese techniquesdon’tdomuch torelieve theworrying.Rather, they lock it inplace,because they requireconstant repetitionandmonitoring, likepluggingaleak with your finger. They establish an uneasy stalemate, like two equallymatchedpeoplecompetinginatugofwar.Andwhilethesenaturalresponsestothe movie may help you stay in the theater, they probably won’t help youbecomelessafraidofthemovieitself.Ifyouweretoseethatmovieagain,youwouldprobablyhaveanticipatorythoughtsabouthowscaryitwasandwouldbemotivatedtousethesameavoidanttechniques(closingeyes,distracting,andsoon)youusedthefirsttime.

Sinceyouprobablydon’tplantoseeitagain,that’snotaproblem.However,when you use the same kind of techniques to respond to your worrisomethoughts,thisisabigproblem.Whileyouprobablywon’tseethemovieagain,you’regoingtoreexperiencethosethoughts,againandagain,becausethey’reanaturallyoccurringpartof life. Ifyouhandleyour thoughts thesamewayyouhandle a one-time experience of a scary movie, you are locking in thisunfortunatemental struggle, rather than relieving it.You’re not changing howyourelate to theworry.You’reputting inmoreeffortandstruggle,whichwillmaintain,ratherthanchange,theunpleasantwayyourelatetotheworry.

AllWorryMeanstheSameThingWehaveavarietyofwaysofexperiencinganxiety.Forinstance,weexperienceanxiety in the form of physical sensations. This might include such obvioussymptomsasheart racing,muscular tension, laboredbreathing, stomachupset,sweating,trembling,andsoon.

Wealsoexperienceanxietyintheformofbehaviors.Examplesofbehavioralanxiety would include some instances of nail biting, hair pulling, and othercompulsivebehaviors.Alsoincludedwouldbevariousformsofavoidanceandescape—suchasshoppingforgroceriesatoddhoursorinsmallstores,forfearofhaving towait ina long line;drivingona local road rather thanahighwayeventhoughittakestwiceaslong;takingalongtripbycarratherthanairplane,forfearofflying;eatinglunchatyourdeskratherthanthecafeteriabecauseyouexperience social anxiety; and so on. Foot tapping, leg jiggling, fidgeting andshifting in one’s seat, all kinds of restless movements of the body withoutapparentgoalarealsoexamplesofbehavioralexpressionsofanxiety.

Wealsoexperienceanxietyintheformofthoughts.Thesedifferenttypesofsymptomsallhavethesameessentialmeaning:I’m

nervous.Over time,wecome to learnwhatournervous symptomsmean.Thefirst few timespeople experience the sensationsof anervous stomach, they’relikelytothinkthosesymptomsmeanillness,maybeevenvomiting.However,astheygain experiencewith these symptoms, people can come to recognize thatthesensationsareaboutbeingnervous,notill.

The physical symptomsof a panic attackmay fool a person over a longerperiodoftime.It’snotatalluncommonforpeopleexperiencingpanicattackstocontinue to believe, for an extended period, that the physical symptoms of apanicattackarewarningsofdeathorlossofcontrol.However,aspeoplemakeprogresswith panic disorder, they come to recognize that the symptomsdon’tmeanthatatall.Thesymptomssimplymeanthey’refeelingpanicky.

HowYourThoughtsAreFoolingYou

Thoughtsaretrickier.Withphysicalsensationsandbehaviorsthataresignsof anxiety, people naturally learn to interpret the symptoms accurately. If youseeapersoninameeting,constantlyjigglinghisleg,howlikelyareyoutothinkthatthispersonreallywantstoplaysoccer,ortokickyou?Ifyouseesomeonebitingafingernail,howlikelyareyoutothinkthatthispersonissohungryastobe reduced to eating fingernails? Probably not so likely!Youwould probably

recognize that these symptoms have to be interpreted. It’s overly simplistic totaketheappearanceofasymptomasitscompletemeaning.

Butwiththoughts(especiallyourownthoughts),it’seasytogetfooledintotakingtheapparentcontentofthethoughtastheprecisemeaningofthethought.Nointerpretationappearsnecessary.IfIexperienceathoughtsuchasWhatifIhavecancer?inananxiousframeofmind,Imightverywellrespondasthoughthe thought about cancer is itself a signof cancer,when in fact the thought issimplyanexpressionofnervousnesswhichhappenstobefocusedontheideaofcancer.Inthesameway,heartracingisasignofnervousnessthathappenstobefocusedontheheart,andnailbitingisasignofnervousnessthathappenstobefocusedontheteethandfingernails.

Ultimately, the real meaning of the worrisome thoughts of chronic worrygenerally has little to do with the apparent content and subject matter of thethoughts.We’ll return to this topic in chapter 6, whenwe diagram theworrythoughts. The real meaning of these worrisome thoughts is the same as themeaning of the heart racing in someone experiencing a panic attack, thesweating and dry mouth experienced by someone preparing to give apresentation,orthejigglingofalegassomeonewaits,idly,forameetingtostartoranairplanetotakeoff.

What’sthatmeaning?I’mnervous.Plainandsimple—I’mnervous.Yet,becausethesesymptomsareexpressedinwords,orpictures,wetendto

treat themdifferently thanother symptoms.Wehave thoughts about thoughts.Wehavecertainideasaboutthoughts—whattheymean,howweshouldrespondtothem—thatoftengetinourway.

Findingasolutiontotheproblemofchronicworryisgoingtoinvolvenewwaysofrespondingtoit,noteffortstoabolishit.

Let’ssupposethat,insteadofsimplywantingto“getthrough”ascarymovie,amoviethatyoupreviouslyfoundveryupsetting,youwantedtogettoapointwhereyoucouldwatchitwithoutfeelinganystrongemotion.Idon’tknowwhyyou’dwantthat,butifthatwereyourambition,howcouldyougettothepointwherethemoviedidn’tbotheryousomuch?

Theanswerwon’tinvolveanythinglikethosestepsthatpeopletaketo“getthrough”ascarymovie.Thosestepsmaintainthefearbystrugglingtokeepitatbay.That’sokaywithascarymovie. It’sokay to“get through”ascarymoviebecauseit’saverysmall,incidentalpartofyourlife,oneyoucanleavebehindwhen the show is over. However, worry can become a big part of life, andstrugglingtosimply“getthrough”lifeitselfisnotastrategy,it’satragedy.

Theanswer thatoccurs tomeis that themostreliablewaytodrainascarymovieofthefear,tomakeitkindoftediousratherthanfearsome,wouldbetowatch that movie again and again. You could rent the DVD (or whatevertechnology isnowcurrent!)andviewitoverandover—notskipping thescaryparts,notturningoffthescarysound,butratherimmersingyourselfinit,againandagain.

You’d need to have a strong motive to do this, because you’d feelunpleasantlyafraidduringthefirstseveralviewings.Butdoyouhaveanydoubt,ifyouwatcheditthiswayoftenenough,thatitwouldgraduallyloseitsabilitytoscareyou?

Afterall,thisiswhatnaturallyhappenseventopeoplewhoarefansofscarymovies.Anewscarymoviewillcomeout,andanaficionadowilldiscoverhisnew“favorite”scarymovie.He’llgoseethatmovieseveraltimes.And,afteranumberofviewings,henolongerderivesasmuchscary“pleasure”asheusedto,andsoonerorlateranewscarymoviebecomeshisfavorite.Theoldfavoritebecomesboringwithrepetition.That’swhatwewanttodowithchronicworry,makeitmoreboringandlessupsetting.

Howcanyoustartdoingthat?Thenexttwochapterswillshowyou.

ThinkingItOverAll too often, people take their chronic worry about unlikely events andexaggeratedconsequencestobeasignthatthere’ssomethingwrongwiththem.This leads them to blame and shame themselves, as if they had some terribleself-inflictedflaw,andtostruggleagainsttheworryinwaysthatmaintainratherthan remove it. I hope this chapterhashelpedyou seehowworry is anaturalpartoflife,thesideeffectofanabilitythathashelpedthehumanspeciessurviveandflourish,andthatchronicworryistheresultoftryingtosuppressthatwhichcan’t—and needn’t—be suppressed. Themore you can cultivate an acceptingattitudetowardthethoughtsofchronicworry,theeasieryourtaskwillbe.

What’sagoodwaytodothat?We’lltakethatupinthenextchapter.

CHAPTER5

PuttingOutFireswithGasoline,andtheRuleofOpposites

“TheharderItry,theworseitgets.”

IfIhadanickelforeverytimeaclientsaidthattome,I’dneedsomanycoinwrappers.Does this thoughteveroccur toyou?Does itdescribe thehistoryofyoureffortstoovercomechronicworry?

It’s so frustrating! You work so hard to rid yourself of these unwanted,unhelpfulworries,andgetnolastingbenefitfromyoureffort.Itoftenseemstomakethingsworse,ratherthanbetter.

In fact, ifyou’vebeenusingmethods like theonesdescribed inchapter3,youhavebeenusingmethodswhichmakethingsworse.Youdon’tcontinuetohave chronic worry despite your best efforts. You continue to have chronicworrybecauseofyourbestefforts.It’s theultimateirony!Youreffortstostopworryingarethemainreasonyoucontinuetoworry.

IsItYou,orYourMethods?Thismight leadyou to think there’s somethingwrongwithyou, and toblameyourself for all theworrying.Youmight think that you’ll alwaysbeburdenedwith this problem and feel different from all the “normal” people in your lifewhoappearnottohaveanyworries.

There’savaluabletruthhiddenbehindtheblameandshame.Ifyou’retryingto achieve something, and find that the harder you try the worse it gets, youshould take a very close look at themethods you’re trying. There’s probablysomething about thosemethods that gives you the unwanted results. It’smorelikely themethod that’s defective, rather than you.You’ve gotten tricked intousingmethods thatnotonlycan’tbringyou theoutcomeyouseek,butpush itfurtheraway!

Chronicworryisoneofthoseproblemsforwhichthemetaphor“puttingoutfires with gasoline” was created. This metaphor describes a person who, ondiscoveringaneighbor’shouseonfire,franticallygrabsthenearestliquidhecan

find.Unfortunately,thisturnsouttobeoneofhundredsofbucketsofgasolineinthe yard. Even worse, in his haste he assumes the buckets contain water. Hethrowssomegasolineonthefire,whichburnsevenhigherandhotterasaresult.Seeing that the problem is growing, the man frantically throws even moregasoline,andthefiregrowsmore,andsoon.Theharderhetries,thebiggerthefiregets.

There are some problems with this metaphor—who doesn’t recognize thesmell of gasoline, andwho keeps it in buckets around their home?But ifweoverlooktheseminorflaws, thestoryhelpsusevaluate theproblemofchronicworry.

Supposenowthat theneighbor, theonewhocollectsgasoline forahobby,returnshome,andshouts,“Hey!Thiswon’twork!You’reputtingoutfireswithgasoline!”

Whatdoyoudo?Ifyousuddenlydiscoverthatyou’vebeenputtingoutfireswithgasoline,youprobablydon’thaveanyideawhattodonext.You’reupsetwith yourself formaking thismistake,worried about how itwill look to yourneighborwhosehouse isburning,wishing thatyouhadnevergotten involved,andsoon.Ononehand,youdon’tknowwhattodo.Butontheother,thefirststepisreallyobvious.

Putdownthebuckets!Stopthrowingthatgasolineonthefire!Almost anything will be better than throwing more gasoline on the fire.

Standingthereanddoingnothingwillbebetter!Don’ttrythrowingthegasolinefaster,orfarther,oralittlemoretotheleft.Putdownthegasoline!

Whatdoesthistellusabouthandlingchronicworry?Itsuggeststhat,whenwe get caught up in chronic worry, our natural instinct of how to solve theproblemturnsout tobedoing things thatmake theproblemworse, rather thanbetter.Youprobablyhave responses toworry—identified in the inventoryyoucreatedinchapter3—thatyou’llbebetteroffwithout.Thoseareyourbucketsofgasoline.

CounterintuitiveProblemsHowcouldthishappen?Howcanwegosofarwrongastomakeoursituationworsebytryingtomakeitbetter?

It’s not hard, really, nor is it uncommon. Worry is a special kind ofcounterintuitiveproblem,oneinwhichyourgutinstinctsofhowtohelpyourself

are likely to make it worse rather than better. When you try to solve acounterintuitiveproblemwithintuitivesolutions,thingsusuallygetworse.

Whenmy son, at twoyears old,would say “no” to everything, thatwas acounterintuitiveproblemforme.Iwouldsometimesforgetthathewaslearningtobe independent, learning touseapowerfulword, and that thiswasexcitingandfunforhim.SometimesIwouldapproachhimasifIjustneededtosharemyadultknowledgewithhimandhelphimseetheerrorofhisways.Sowewouldargue!Themoreweargued,themorehedelightedinsaying“no.”Hisfavoritephrasewas“becausenot.”(Nowhe’stwenty,andwestilldothisoccasionally,foroldtimes’sake!)

If I try to solve a counterintuitive problemwith an intuitive solution, I’mprobably going to fail. If Iwant to solve a counterintuitive problem, I need asolutionthatiscounterintuitive.Ineedtofightfirewithfire.

Thisisn’tasbizarreasitmightsound.Therearemanyeverydayexamplesofthis.Ilearnedasayoungchild,whenmypuppygotoffherleash,thatifIchasedhershewouldrunaway.Shehadfourlegstomytwo,sotheresultswerealwayspoor.ButifIranawayfromher,shewouldchaseme,andthenIcouldgrabhercollarwhenshecaughtme.Counterintuitive.

Whenyou’rewadingintotheocean,andalargewavecomestowardyou?Ifyouturnandrunforshore,thewavewillprobablybreakonyourshouldersandknock you down.You’ll swallow saltwater and sand.But if you dive into thebase of the wave, it will pass right over you as if it were nothing.Counterintuitive.

Drivingonanicyroad,andstartingtoskidtowardaphonepole?Ifyoutrytosteerawayfromthatpole,you’llprobablybetalkingtoyourinsuranceagentsoon. However, if you steer into the skid and aim for the pole (whowas thebrave guy that first figured this out?), you’ll straighten out and be okay.Counterintuitive.

Therearelotsofcounterintuitiveproblems.Whenthemilitarytrainssoldiersto respond to an ambush, they train them to run toward the enemy, not away.Why?Well, theothersideisexpectingyoutorunaway,andthat’swheretheyplan to shoot next (I hope they’re not reading this!). If you’re stuck inquicksand?Okay,yougettheidea.Counterintuitive.

The difficulty with solving counterintuitive problems is that when you’retrying so hard to solve a problem, and see that you’re failing, your naturalinstinctisto“tryharder,”andthatmakesthingsworse.Itcanalmostfeellikeaninsultwhentheworlddoesn’trespondtoyoursolution.Thisoftenleadspeople

togetfrustratedandupsetwith themselveswhile theycontinuetomakethingsworse.

AttitudesaboutThoughtsThepreviousexamplesallinvolvecounterintuitiveproblemsintheworldaroundus. It’s even trickierwhenwe have counterintuitive challenges in our internalworld, in our ownminds.We have some unexamined assumptions about ourthoughtsthatinfluenceourreactionsinunhelpfulways.

Ourbrainsarenot likecomputers that simplygenerateoutput.Acomputergenerates an answer to a problem—maybe it calculates something for you, ormaybe it formats material you’ve written into a letter format—and it has noopinionaboutwhatitproduced.You“ask”acomputeraquestion,andthat’sallyouget,theanswer.

Notsowithourbrains.Wehavethoughts,includingworries.Wealsohaveattitudes, beliefs, and thoughts about our thoughts. One belief about thoughtsthat we briefly examined in chapter 3 is the belief that thoughts can bedangerous.Let’stakeanotherlookatthat.

AreThoughtsDangerous?Wanttotryanexperiment?Takeaminutenowtothinkaboutthisbookcatchingfireinyourhands.Thinkaboutitingreatdetail.Picturetheflamescurlingthepages,thewhitepagesturningtograyash,thesmellofburntpaper,thesmokespiralingtowardtheceiling.Anyminutethesmokealarmshouldstartscreechingawarning.Andyethereyouare,stillholdingtheunburnedbookinyourhands,readingthesewords.

Itseemsclearthatthoughtsaren’tdangerous.Onlyactionscanbedangerous.

WhyCan’tYouJustControlYourThoughts?

One important attitude that many people hold about their thoughts is thatthey“ought”tobeincontrolofthem.Theythinktheyshouldbeabletohavethethoughts theywant and not have the thoughts they don’t want. Do you thinkaboutitthisway?

Peoplewhoholdthisbeliefareoftenoffendedandirritatedbythewaytheirthoughts seem todefy them.Again and again, they review the evidence aboutthecontentoftheirworriesandseethatthefearedeventsarenotatalllikelyto

occur.Theytellthemselvesthatthere’s“nothingtoworryabout.”Thentheygoonabout theirbusiness.Sooneror later, they find themselveshaving the sameworrisomethoughts.Maybethey’veevenbeenwatchingforthem!Thentheygetmadatthemselvesalloveragain,wondering“why”theykeephavingthesamedumbthoughts,reprimandingthemselvesthesamewayyoumightreprimandateenagerwho has once again left dirty dishes on the table instead of clearingthemaway.

The truth is, we don’t have pinpoint control of our thoughts. And there’salways something toworryabout,becausewecanworryaboutanypossibilitywecanimagine.Wedon’tneedrealisticdangertoworry.

TryThisExperiment.Thinkofanelephantforabouttwentyseconds,andthenstopthinkingofit.Nomoreelephant.Takeoneminuteandkeepitoutofmind.Nolongtrunk,noloudtrumpetingsound,notusks,noeatingpeanuts,norunningawayfrommice.

How did you do? Odds are you just spent some time with thoughts ofelephants. For most people, the results will be as obvious as an elephantstomping through the jungle. And if it seems to you as though you had nothoughtsofelephantsduringthatminute,thenaskyourselfthisquestion:howdoyou know?The onlyway you can try to avoid all thoughts of elephants is tothinkofwhatitistothinkaboutelephants,andwatchtoseeifyoudothatwhiletryingnottodoit!Yougetelephantsonthebrainfromeverydirection!

Anytimeyoudeliberatelytrytostopthinkingofsomething,you’relikelytothink more about it. Psychological research on the subject of thoughtsuppression1 clearly shows that the main effect of thought suppression is aresurgenceofthethoughtsyou’retryingtoforget.

It’s the same with our emotions. We don’t control our thoughts or ouremotions—orourphysicalsensations,forthatmatter.Themorewetry,themorewegetthoughtsandfeelingswedon’twant.

Your lackof direct control over thoughts and emotionsmay come to yourattention quite clearly when some well-meaning friend tries to help you bysaying“Don’t thinkabout it”or“Calmdown!”It’sprobablypainfullyobviousto youwhat’swrongwith that suggestion. Itmight evenmakeyou angry thatthisperson“doesn’tget it.”Andyet,youmaybecontinuallytryingtousethisstrategy without noticing that you’re using the same unhelpful method thatdoesn’twork,andthengettingdisappointedandfrustratedwhenitfailsagain.If

itdoesn’tworkwhenafriendurgesyouto“calmdown,”it’sprobablynotgoingtoworkwhenyouurgeituponyourself!

WHATDOWEREALLYCONTROL?

Peopleoftenassumethatcontrolismeasuredbywhattheythinkandfeel.Theythinkthatifthey’rehavingoddorillogicalthoughts,orstronglyunpleasantandexaggeratedemotions,thatthismeansthey’re“outofcontrol.”Theydon’tlikethatidea,sotheystruggletocontroltheirthoughtsandfeelings,andthisisliketrying to grab a greasedpig on ice.Themoreyou try to control thoughts andfeelings,themoreoutofcontroltheyseem.

Control is aboutwhatwe do, notwhatwe think and feel. That’swhy ourlawsdescribebehaviorthat’sexpectedandrestricted.Societyexpectspeopletocontrolwhattheydo—howtheydrive,howtheytreatothers,howtheywaittheirturninline,andsoon.Ourlawsandsocialnormsaren’tbasedonwhatpeoplethinkandfeelbecausenobodyreallycontrolsthosethings.Controlisaboutwhatyoudo.

Andyet,it’spartofthehumanconditiontoassumethatwecan,orshouldbeable to, controlour thoughts andemotions.Certainly there are timeswhenwewant to.Our intuitive instinctwith respect toworry is to “stop thinking that.”And itbackfires,becauseworry isacounterintuitiveproblem.You’llbebetteroffwithacounterintuitivesolutionforthiscounterintuitiveproblem.

Thinking:It’sJustWhattheBrainDoesYourbrain isanorganand, likeotherorgans—stomach,kidneys, liver—ithastasks to accomplish. Your stomach digests food. Your kidneys remove wasteproductsfromthebloodstreamandproduceurine.Andyourbrain,amongotherthings, identifiesproblemsandgeneratessolutions.Actually,mostof theworkour brains do (maintaining balance, monitoring the work of other organs andglands,watchingforemergencies,andsoon)takesplacewithoutourawareness.Thebrainactivitythatgetsourattention—thethinking,calculating,verbalwork—is actually a very small portion of the brain’s activity, taking place in thecerebralcortex.

Anancientproverbtellsus,“Themindisawonderfulservant,butaterriblemaster.”Thebrainisausefultool.Wecandirectourattentionandthoughtstotopicsinordertodesignbridges,landarocketonanasteroid,andcalculateourtaxes.Leftwithoutenoughtodo,however,thebrainislikelytocausemischief

asitgeneratesthoughtsonitsown.If you go too longwithout eating, your stomachwill start to do digestive

thingswithoutanyfoodtodigest,andyouwillfeelabdominaldiscomfort,hearyour stomach make embarrassing noises, and so on. It’s trying to fulfill itspurposeevenwhenitdoesn’thavethenecessaryingredients.It’sthesamewithyour brain. If your brain doesn’t have enoughproblems to solve, itwillmakesomeupandtrytosolvethem.

That’s chronicworry—yourbrainmakingupproblems and trying to solvethem,andyoutakingthosethoughtsasseriouslyasyoutakethetaxcalculations.

You’veprobablynoticedthatyouexperiencemoreworrywhenyou’renotsobusy,andthatwhenyou’rereallybusywithactivitiesandproblemstosolveyoudon’tseemtoworrynearlyasmuch.Maybeyou’vetriedtouse“keepingbusy”as away to cut back on yourworrying. This iswhy.Worry is a leisure timeactivity. It expands, or contracts, to fill the time that’s available, because it’ssimplynotasimportantasmostofourotheractivities.Ittakeswhat’sleftover.Yourbrainisliterallyactinglikeaboredpuppy,chewingonthecarpetbecauseitdoesn’thaveenoughthingstodo.

Wecantrainthatpuppywellenoughthatitwillnolongerchewonfurniture,especiallyifweofferhimotherthingstochewon.However,wecan’ttrainthebrainnottothinkofproblems(becausethat’samainpurposeofthebrain),anymorethanwecouldtrainourstomachnottorumblewhenwe’rehungry.

Instead,weneedtochangethewaywerelatetoourworry.Wedobetterbylearninghowtoacceptandworkwith,ratherthanoppose,thatfactthatweareexperiencingworrythoughts.Wewillalsodobetterwhenwecanrecognizetheworrythoughtsassignsofnervousnessandanxiety,thesameasaneyetwitchorsweatypalms,ratherthansomeimportantmessageaboutthefuture.

RulesofLifeI regularly teach workshops for professional therapists about the treatment ofanxietydisorders,andIusuallyliketointroducetheworkshopwithanexpandedand embellished version of the polygraph metaphor, commonly used inacceptance and commitment therapy.2Before I say hello, or introducemyself,beforeIsayanythingatall,Itellthemthisstory.

Soamanwalksintomyoffice,someoneIknowasamanofhisword,whosayswhathemeansanddoeswhathesays.Thismanwalksintomyofficeandhehasagun,andhesays,“NowDave,whatI’dlikeforyoutodois

andhehasagun,andhesays,“NowDave,whatI’dlikeforyoutodoistakeallthefurniturehereinyouroffice,andmoveitoutintothewaitingroom…orelseI’mgonnashootyou!”

“So,”(Iasktheaudience,andnowI’llaskyou,thereader),“asstudentsofhumanbehavior,whatistheoutcomeyoupredicthere?”

Andsomeoneintheaudiencewillsay,“You’regonnamovethefurniture!”

That’sright,Imovethefurniture—Icandothat—ImovethefurnitureandIlive.

Aweekgoesbyandthemanreturns—sameman,samegun—andhesays“NowDave,thethingI’dlikeforyoutodo,issingthe‘StarSpangledBanner.’Thefirstversewillbesufficient.Singthe‘StarSpangledBanner,’orelseI’mgonnashootyou.”

So,what’stheoutcomeyoupredicthere?Isingthesong—Icandothat—andIlive.Anotherweekgoesby,andonceagainthemanappears,andthistime

hehasacolleaguewithhim.Thecolleaguerollsacart,fullofelectronicequipment,intomyoffice.Themansays,“NowDave,myassociatehere,he’sgotlie-detectingequipment.Thebestelectronicsontheplanetfordetectinghumanemotion,virtuallyinfallible.I’mgonnaaskmyassociatetohookyouuptothelie-detectingequipment.ThenIjustwantyoutorelax.OrelseI’mgonnashootyou.”

What’stheoutcomeyoupredicthere?Nothinggood!Nothinggoodwillcomeoutofthisone!

That allows me to get to the point of the story, namely, that this is thecircumstance of some 40 million Americans with a chronic anxiety disorder.Theywakeupdayafterday,worriedaboutfeelinganxious,tryingsohardnottofeel anxious, and gettingmore anxious as a result of all that effort, digging adeeperholewithalltheireffortstoresisttheanxiety.Tohelppeopleovercomean anxiety disorder, therapists have to help people discover this aspect of theproblemandlearntohandleitdifferently.

Andifyoustrugglewithchronicworry, thesameapplies toyourefforts toovercomethatproblem.

WhatmakesitsoapparentthatIcanmovethefurnituretosavemylife,andIcansingasongtosavemylife,butIcan’trelaxtosavemylife?

From the perspective of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), theanswerlieswithtwoimportantrulesofthumbthatgovernourlives.3ACTisaform of therapy that, more or less, belongs within the school of cognitivebehavioral therapy, but has some very different ideas from traditional CBT,particularly with respect to our efforts to control thoughts, emotions, andphysicalsensations.

First, there’s a rule of thumb which governs our interactions with theexternal world around us, the physical environment that we live in. In theexternalworld,theruleofthumbissomethinglikethis:theharderyoutry,andthemoreyoustruggle,themorelikelyyouaretogetwhatyouwant.Nothingisguaranteed, but you can improveyour odds at getting something youwant bymaking every effort possible. That’s the rule of thumb that governs ourinteractionswiththeexternalworld.

Butthat’snottheonlyruleweliveby.There’sasecondruleofthumb,onethatpertainstoourinternalworldofthoughts,emotions,andphysicalsensations.Inthisworld,theruleisquitedifferent.Heretheruleissomethinglikethis:themoreyouopposeyourthoughts,emotions,andphysicalsensations,themoreyouwillhaveofthem.

Therulethatgovernsyourinternalworldofthoughts,emotions,andphysicalsensationsis theoppositeoftherulethatgovernstheexternalworld.Godhelpyou if youdidn’t get thememoabout the second rule, andyou try tomanageyour thoughts,emotions,andphysicalsensations thesamewayyouhandle theworld aroundyou. Itwill leadyou touse solutions that arebound to fail, andbringyougriefandfrustrationeverytime.

If you’re someonewho struggleswith chronicworry, only to find that thepeaceandcalmyouseekcontinuestoeludeyou,thenyou’reprobablysomeonewhowillbenefitbymakingmoreuseofthesecondrule.

Our gut instinct, however, is usually to treat everything the same—opposewhatwedon’twant,wherever it is.Let’s nowconsider aworkaround for thisinstinct:theRuleofOpposites.

TheRuleofOppositesThisisanimportantruleofthumbwhichappliestoalotofanxietysymptoms.Whenweapplyittochronicworry,itmeansthis:

Mygutinstinctofhowtorespondtounwanted,chronicworryisprettymuch

deadwrong.Iamusuallybetteroffdoingtheoppositeofmygutinstinct.Howcanthispossiblybe?Let’srecall theworrytrickfromchapter1:You

experiencedoubt,andtreatitlikedanger.Theworry trick is a powerful influence. Itwill be very helpful for you to

understandwhatgivesitsuchpower.

HowCanWeProtectAgainstDanger?

What’s good for danger?Three things: fight, flight, and freeze. If it looksweaker thanme, I’ll fight it. If it looks stronger thanme, but slower, I’ll runawayfromit.Andifitlooksstrongerandfasterthanme,I’llfreezeandhopeitdoesn’tseesowell.That’sallwehavefordanger.

Fight/flight/freeze methods all involve opposing the worry—struggling tostopworrying; gettingmad at yourself because youworry; fighting to distractyourself or to stop thinkingof it; repeatedly seeking reassurance, from friendsand the Internet, in an effort to stop worrying; thought stopping; reliance ondrugsandalcohol;superstitiousrituals;andallothermannerof“fightingtocalmdown.”

Doubt, however, isn’t danger. It’s just discomfort. And what’s good fordiscomfort?Amillionvariationson“chilloutandletitpass.”ClaireWeekes,anAustralianphysicianwhosebooksaboutanxietyarestillusefulandpopularfiftyyearslater,recommendedthatpeople“float”throughtheiranxiety.4Peoplewereoften unclear about what she meant by float. I think she meant, literally, theoppositeofswim.Makenoeffort.Simplyallowtheenvironmenttosupportyou,andgoonwithyourbusiness.

Fordanger,wefight,orrun,orfreeze.Fordiscomfort,wechilloutandgiveit time to pass. What’s good for danger is the opposite of what’s good fordiscomfort.So ifyouget tricked into treatingworryasadanger, thisnaturallymakesitworse.

Whenyou treatworryasadanger thatmustbestoppedoravoided,you’refightingfirewithgasoline.Yourgutinstinctisactuallyprettymuchtheoppositeofwhatwouldhelp.Thisiswhatgivestheworrytrickitspower.

It’sasifyourcompassisoffby180degrees,showingnorthwhenitpointssouth.Ifyouhaveacompassthat’soffby180degrees,youcanstill findyourwayhome,aslongasyourememberthatthecompasspointsthewrongway,andyouneedtogointheoppositedirectionitsuggests.

Your gut instinct of how to handle worry has probably been to take itscontent seriously, opposing it and seeking to avoid it. That’swhatwe saw inchapter3.Whenyoutakeworrytobeasignofdanger,younaturallytreatitthatway.

We need something very different for the discomfort and doubt ofworry.Thiswaywouldallowustorecognizethedoubtsanduncertaintiesthatoccurtous, and also allow for the way our brains may be over-vigilant in imaginingfuturedangers.Itwouldallowustodistinguishbetweenthoughts thatoccur inourbrains (our internalworld) andevents thatoccur (ordon’t) in the externalworld.Itwouldallowustolivemorecomfortablywiththerealitythatwedon’tcontrolourthoughts,andthatourthoughtsarenotalwaysourbestguidetowhatishappening,orwillbehappening,inourexternalworld.

The Rule of Opposites can be a powerful guide in the search for a moreadaptiveway to respond toworry.We’llcomeback to itagainaswe look fordifferentmethodsyoucanuseinrespondingtoworry.

ThinkingItOverIn this chapter, we reviewed the nature of worry and found it to be acounterintuitive problem, one best served by a counterintuitive response. Thisaspect ofworry is firmly embedded in theRule ofOpposites,which suggeststhataperson’sgutinstinctofhowtohandleworryisusuallywrong,deadwrong,and thatwe’re better off doing the opposite of that instinctwhen it comes tohandlingworry. This rulewill be an important guide aswe consider differentwaystoworkwithworry.

Chapter6

TheMadLibsofAnxiety:CatchtheWorriesBeforeTheyCatchYou

Ifyouexperiencechronicworryandstruggletogetahandleonit,here’soneaspectof ityoucanturn toyouradvantage.Almostallofyourworries—andIreallymean all, like 99.9 percent of your worries—will announce themselveswhentheyenteryourmind.It’sasiftheworrywerewavingabigflag,tomakesure you know it’s arrived. Chronic worries almost always start with twoparticularwords,themostoverworkedwordsinthevocabularyofaworrier.

Youprobablyknowthis.Whatarethetwowords?Think back to the last couple of times you struggled with a worrisome

thought.Whatwerethefirstfewwordsofthatthought?

WhatAreaWorrier’sTwoMostOver-UsedWords?Younaileditifyouanswered“Whatif…?”

NowIsaythisisanadvantage,becausethesetwowordscanpointouttoyouthat you’re being lured into worry as surely as the sound of a starter pistolindicates thestartofa race,or thesirenofanambulancebehindyou indicatestheneedtopullover.

Maybeyoudon’tthinkthat’sanadvantage!Youmightbesoaccustomedtotryingtosuppressandignoreyourworrisomethoughtsthatanythingthatbringsattentiontothemseemsunhelpful.Itmightseemtoyouthatyou’vebeenbarelyholdingbackthetideofunwantedworry,andthatyou’dbebetteroffkeepingitoutofyourawareness.

Andyet,wesawinchapter3that“anti-worry”techniquesusuallymaketheproblemof chronicworrymore chronic and severe.Such techniques look likehelpful solutions, but they’re actually wolves in sheepdog’s clothing. So bearwithme!Suspendanydisbeliefonthispoint,atleastuntilyou’vedigestedthischapter.

The “what if” words are a useful signal. However, if you’re like mostchronic worriers, you probably don’t often notice them, and you may well

underestimatehowoftenthisphraseappearsinyourthoughtsandconversation.“Whatif”probablysneaksaroundyourattentionthesamewayapickpocket

does.You’remorelikelytonotice,andreactto,thephrasethatcomesafterthe“whatif…?”That’swherealltheupsetofchronicworrycomesfrom.“Whatif”isthebaitthatgetsyoutobiteintosomethingthatwillgiveyouarealbellyache.

Youcan’tchangeyourrelationshipwithworryifitcatchesyouunawares.Soitwill probably be real helpful for you to get better at noticing the “what if”wordsandtakingintheirmeaning.Thatwillsetthestageforyoutostarttrainingyourself to respond differently to the worry, and developing a new way ofrelatingtoit.Ifthissoundsliketheoppositeofwhatyou’vebeentrying—well,thisiswhywehavetheRuleofOpposites!

Let’s start this work by diagramming the typical worry sentence. It’s nolongerpartof thestandardgradeschoolcurriculum,butwhenIattendedgradeschool, we learned grammar by diagramming sentences. We’ll do somethingsimilarhere.

DiagramtheWorrySentence

Here’stheactualstructureoftheoverwhelmingmajorityofchronicworries.It’scomposedoftwoclauses.

Whatif…?(Insertcatastrophehere)Itstartswiththe“whatif?”clause.It’sfollowedbythecatastropheclause.Let’sconsider the“what if”clause foramoment.Whatdoes the“what if”

clausemeanhere?Whatarewetryingtoconveywhenwesay“whatif”?Whatmeaningdoesitaddtothesentence?

Youmight not be so sure of what I’m getting at here, so let me explain.Thinkaboutwhenwe’relikelytogetinto“whatif”thinking.Ifadogcomesupandbitesme,howlikelyamI tosay,or think,“What ifadogbitesme?”Notverylikely,right?I’mjustgonnasay,“Ouch!”

Ifadogcomesuptomeandgrowls,furonend,showingteeth,andineverywaylookinglikeadogabouttoattack,howlikelyamItobethinking,Whatifthis dog bites me? Still not very likely, right? I’m much more likely to belookingaroundforthedog’sowner,orastickIcanusetodefendmyself,afenceIcanhop,ora tree Icanclimb. I’mgoing tobe focusedonprotectingmyselfanywayIcan.

SowhendoIsay(orthink),“Whatifadogbitesme?”Whatdoyouthink?

Ithinktheansweris:whenI’mneitherbeingbittennorabouttobebitten.Idon’tsayitwhenadoghashisteethonmyleg.Idon’tsayitwhenadogisinfrontofme,preparing toattack. I’mtoobusyprotectingmyself tobe thinkingmuchofanything!Isay,orthink,“Whatifadogbitesme?”whenI’mnotbeingthreatened by a dog; I say it, or think it, whenmy cerebral cortex has centerstage,andmyamygdalaisonstandbyinthebackground.Forinstance,ifIhadadog phobia, Imight have this thought just as Iwas ready to leave the house,readytowalkafewblockstocatchmytrain.However,ifadogactuallychargesmewhile I’mwalking to the train,my amygdalawill take charge, silence theblabbing ofmy cortex, and fillmewith the energy and the urgency I need toprotectmyself.That conversationwith thecommitteeofoldguyswillhave towaituntilI’mnolongerthreatenedbythedog!

Dogattacksdon’tcauseworrying—theycauseself-protection!Sowhatmeaningdoesthe“whatif”clauseaddtooursentence?Itmeans“let’spretend.”Does thatwork for you?Does that describe themeaning of “what if” that

appearsinyourworries?“Here’ssomethingthat’snothappeningintheexternalworldnow,andlet’spretenditis.”

It’sactuallymorespecificthanthat.When’sthelasttimeyoufoundyourselfthinking,WhatifIwakeuptomorrow,feelingrealgood,happywithmyselfandmyplaceintheworld,loveinmyheartforeveryone,knowingthatthosefeelingswilllastfortherestofmylife?

Notsorecently,right?Infact,probablynever!Peoplegenerallydon’t“whatif”aboutgoodstuff. It’sall aboutnegative, terrible,dreadful things thatcouldpossiblyhappeninthefuture.

So“whatif”reallymeans“Let’spretendsomethingbad.”Maybe,though,you’rethinkingitreallymeans“Thiscouldhappen,”or“It’s

possible that…”Youmight think that this could be an important signal aboutsomebad thing that ispossible. If this is thecase, Ihaveanotherquestion foryou.

Whatwouldbesomethingsthatareclearly,irrefutablyimpossible?Takeyourtime,butIdon’tthinkyou’llcomeupwithmuch.There’sreally

nothingthatseemsimpossibleifwethinkaboutitlongenough.That’soneofthedifferencesbetweenyour internalworldandtheexternalworld.In theexternalworld, thereare rules thatgovern reality. Inourminds, thereareno rules.Wecanimagineanything,nomatterhowimprobableorimpossible,andbeunableto

provethatit’simpossible.Thisdoesn’tgiveyoumuchguidancetoliveby.Andour“whatif”thoughts

don’t cover all the things that seempossible—just the reallybadones.This ishow my wife and I ended up so concerned with my son’s jaundice, as Iexplainedinchapter1.

What goes in the catastrophe clause? Whatever you happen to be mostworriedaboutthatday,week,month,oryear.It’safill-in-the-blankchoice,andifyou’representlymostworriedaboutyourjob,oryourhealth,oryourspouse,oryourfurnace,that’swhat’sgoingtoshowupthere.

Sohere’swhatwehave:Let’spretend….(Somecatastrophe)The“what if”part of chronicworry is all aboutpretending.Whenchronic

worry tricks you into pretending something is true, it doesn’t matter howimportantorunimportant thatpretendcontentis.Pretendingis likemultiplyingbyzero!Itdoesn’tmatterhowbiganumberis,whenyoumultiplybyzero,youstillendupwithnothing.

WorryingAbout“WhatIf?”IsLikeaGameDoyouknowthegameMadLibs?It’sapartygamethatbecamerealpopularinthe1960s.Itwasabookfullofveryshortstoriesthathadwordsmissing.You’dget a bunchof your friends together and thenyou’d ask them togiveyou thewords you needed to complete the story, without letting them see the story.You’dtellthem“givemeanadverb—acolor—anumber—apropernoun,”andsoon.You’dwritethesewordsinwheretheywereneeded,andthenyou’dreadthe completed story to your friends. Then they’d laugh, especially if you hadservedplentyofbeerbeforehand.ThisiswhatwedidforfunbeforetheInternet.

So,this“whatif”sentence,thisstatementofchronicworry,thisistheMadLibs of anxiety. It’s just as arbitrary, as random, as that. You can fill in acatastrophe here, any catastrophe. It doesn’t matter what you pick. You haveyour usual choices—your “favorite” worries—but they all fit! They all fitbecauseyouhave“Let’spretend”infront.

Theproblemis,afterawhileyouforgetthatyou’repretending.Ifyou’relikemostpeoplewithchronicworry,overtimeyougetsousedto

thesethoughtsthatyoustopnoticingthepretendpart.Youprobablydon’tevennotice the “what if” clause after a while. The only part of the thought you

consciouslynoticeistheinflammatoryandexaggeratedcatastropheclause.Whenyoudon’tnoticethe“whatif”clause,yougetthissteadydrumbeatof

ideasinyourmindthatsuggestdisaster.Youdon’tnoticethepartthattellsyouit’spretend!Nowonderpeoplecangetsoanxiousanddepressedinresponsetoworry. It’s like a cableTV channel devoted exclusively to bad news, beameddirectlyintoyourmind.

Whenyoudon’tnotice the“what if”clause, thisdrumbeatof ideassoundslikethis:

Whatif…IGETCANCER?

Whatif…MYSPOUSELEAVESME?

Whatif…IFREAKOUTDURINGMYPRESENTATION?

Whatif…IGETSONERVOUS,THEYTHINKI’MATERRORIST?

Whatif…ILOSEMYMINDATTHERESTAURANTOVERLUNCH?

Theeffect of theworry is strengthenedevenmoreby the fact that it oftenoccurswhile you’remultitasking. Even if you noticed the “what if” part, youdon’thavetheopportunitytogiveityourfullattentionandresolveit.You’retoobusy checking your textmessageswhile eating your lunch and scanning yourschedule.This thought has a lot of subliminal power.Wedon’t stop to noticethatwe’reexperiencingthisparticularthoughtandrespondtothethoughtasjustthat, a thought. Instead,we skip right past the “what if” part, focus in on thecatastropheclause,andabsorbitsmessageasifitweretrue.

Thisisoneoftheobstaclesyoufaceindealingwiththeproblemofworry.As a society, we value thought, and usually think of thought as one of ourcharacteristicsthatsetsusapartfromanimals,oneofthehighlightsofbillionsofyearsofevolution.Wevaluehumanthought.Andmostofusarevainenoughtoputaparticularlyhighvalueonourownthought.Thoughtisgood,powerful,andimportant, we believe, and my thoughts are especially good, powerful, andimportant.Wecertainlyact thisway in responding toworry. Ifwedidn’t takethesethoughtstobeimportant,theywouldn’tcauseussomuchgrief!

Ourbrainsarewonderfulproblem-solvingtools.Morethananyotherfactor(except perhaps opposable thumbs), it’s our brains that have enabled us tobecome the top predator of the planet. Our brains have produced the wheel,

speechandwriting,andthecalculationsnecessarytolandashiponacomet.Butthebrainisstillaproblem-solvingorgan,lookingforproblemstosolve.

And,especiallywhenthere’snourgentproblem(likeanattackingdog)tosolve,the brain will make up some problems, just to have something to do. So itdoesn’tmatterhowsmartyouare.Acertainamountofyourthoughtswilljustbenoisynonsense.

HowWorryBaitsYouThis“whatif”clauseislikethatredflagtoabullthatImentionedinchapter4.Imagineifyoucouldhaveaheart-to-heartconversationwithabull,justbeforeabullfight.Ithinkitwouldgosomethinglikethis.

Listen,bull,Iknowhowyoufeelwhenyouseethatredflag.Yourbloodboils,right?Youwanttopawtheground,snortrealloud,thenraceoverandflattenthatflag,andtheguyholdingit,too.Butrememberwhathappenedtoyourcousin,Toro?Heranovertothatflag,andwhilehewasattackingit,someguysstuckshortknivesinhisside.Thenanotherguywaveditagain,andwhenTororanathim,theguystabbedhimintheneckwithasword.Itwasatrick!Theybaityouwiththatredflag,man!Sothebestthingforyoutodo,whentheystartwavingthatthingatyou,isrememberit’satrick!Liedownandeatsomedaisies!Don’ttakethebait!Don’tgetsuckered!

Itwouldberealhardtotrainabulltodothat.Butyoucantrainyourselftotakeapassonthe“whatif”bait,tonoticethe“whatif”andresponddifferently.Youcantrainyourselftorememberthatitis,infact,abunchofbull.

The first step is to get better at consciously noticing the “what if” clause.Thisis thepart thatsays“Let’spretend(somethingbad),”andwhenyoudon’tnotice this clause, it’s easy to lose sight of the pretending. Generally, thecatastropheclausethatfollowsseemssoupsettingandominousthatit’seasytoforget about the “what if”part, especiallywhenyoubarelynoticed it tobeginwith.

Sohere’sawaytobecomemoreawareofthe“whatif”clause.

CountYourWorries

Get yourself some bottles of Tic Tacs, or any kind ofmint that comes infixedquantities.TicTacs,forinstance,comeinbottlesofsixtyandonehundred(except inAustralia,where they come in bottles of fifty—go figure!), but anykindofmintorcandythatcomesinafixednumberperbottlewilldo.Keepitwithyouatalltimes,inyourpocket,purse,orbriefcase.

Get into this habit.Whenever you notice a “what if” thought (or you hearyourselfsayingitoutloud),takeoutyourbottleofTicTacs.Takeoneout.Youcaneatit,oryoucanflickitontothestreet,ortossitinthegarbage.Whateveryoudowithitisfine,justremoveonefromthebottleandclosethebottle.

You can use this as a way to track, and count, the number of times youexperienceaWhat if…? thoughtduring theweek. Ifyouprefer,youcouldusesomeothermethod,likeaclicker.IliketheTicTacs,though,becausetheyaremorelikelytointerruptyouinyourmental“businessasusual.”And,ifyoufeelself-conscious about doing this kind of self-monitoring, no one will notice athing—justapersoneatingamint!

Practicemakespermanent.Dothisforacoupleofweeks,andyouwillmakeaprettypermanentchangeinyourabilitytonoticethe“whatif”thoughts.Theywill no longer be subliminal, slipping into your mind unnoticed the way apickpocket gets your wallet without drawing your attention. Now you willbecomemoreandmoreawareofthehabit.Anditwillstarttolosesomeofitspowertofoolyou.

Mostpeoplequickly come to recognizehowcentral these “what if”wordsare. Occasionally I meet someone who discovers they use a variation on thisphrase, such as “Suppose,” “Isn’t it possible,” or otherwords that contain thesameinvitationtoimaginebadstuffhappeninginthefuture.Ifyoudiscoverthatyourworrybaitcomesinaslightlydifferentwording,youcanuseTicTacstoobservethatwordingaswell.

Onemorethingbeforeyoustart.AsyoustartusingtheTicTacs,youmightbedispleasedwhenyounoticehowmanytimesyoucatchyourselfintheactof“what if”-ing. You might feel overwhelmed when you realize how often thisthought occurs to you. You might feel, initially, that you would have muchpreferredthatIhadn’teverbroughtittoyourattention.

Don’tbefooled.Thisisthegoodnews,whenyounoticeallthose“whatif”s,eventhoughyoumayinitiallyfeeldismayedanddiscouraged.It’sthegoodnewsbecauseyou’vebeenhavingall those thoughts for some time, longbeforeyoustartedthisbook.Allthat’sdifferentnowisthatyou’renoticingthem.That’sthegoodnews,becausenoticingthemisanewskillthatwillhelpyou.

Keeptrackofyourcountsforacoupleofweekstohelpyoureallygetintothishabitofpassivelyobserving“whatif.”

Howdoesthisstrategyofbecomingmoreconsciouslyawareofthese“whatif”thoughtscomparetowhatyouusuallydo?

I’m thinking that it’s probably the opposite of what you usually do. Thatmight seemoddanduncomfortable toyou.However, it’s actuallyagoodsignthatyoureffortstochangeyourrelationshipwithchronicworryareontherighttrack.

Remember the Rule of Opposites: “My gut instinct of how to respond tochronicworryistypicallydeadwrong,andIambetteroffdoingtheoppositeofmygutinstinct.”(Ifyoudon’trememberthat,youcanreviewitinchapter5.)

If youkeep responding in the sameway, you can expect the same results.We’re looking for different results here, and this will take different, evenopposite,actions.

We can see the Rule of Opposites in action whenwe consider that manypeopletryveryhardtodistractthemselvesfromtheirworrisomethoughts.Ifthatreally worked, you wouldn’t be reading this book. You would have alreadydismissedandbanishedyourunwantedworries.

It just doesn’t work thatway. It works the opposite. Themore you try toeject thoughts from your mind, the more they keep coming back in, likeunwanteddrunksataparty.

Thatdoesn’tmeantheefforttodistractyourselfisworthless,however.Itcanpoint to some useful information. Consider this question: When you aremotivated todistractyourself fromaproblem,whatdoes it tellyouabout thatproblem?

Thinkaboutthatforaminute.Whatkindofproblemsdoweusuallywanttodistractourselvesfrom?

Imaginethatyouwerestandinginlineatabankwhenarobberybrokeout,andyouheardgunshots.Howlikelywouldyoube to takeoutyourcheckbookandbalanceit,inordertodistractyourselffromtheunpleasantgunplay?

Probablynotverylikely!You’dbetoobusydivingtothefloor,or lookingfor some cover or an exit. You’d be trying to protect yourself, not distractyourself.

Whenarewemotivatedtodistractourselvesfromunpleasantandworrisomethoughts?Whenwe’renotfacingaclearandpresentdanger.Whenthechipsarenotdown.Whenthebabblingofourcerebralcortex,ratherthantheself-defense

ofouramygdala,iscenterstage.Sowhenyounoticethatyoufeeltheurgetodistractyourself,thiscanbea

powerfulreminderofwhatthegameis.Thechipsarenotdown,youarenotindanger,andthat’swhyyouaremotivatedtodistract.Ifyouactuallywereunderthegun,youwouldn’teventhinkofdistraction!

The“Why?”QuestionThe“whatif?”questionisthepickpocketthatstealsyourpeaceofmind,anditdoesitsosneakilythatyoudon’tnoticewhat’sactuallyhappening.

Mostpickpocketshaveanaccomplice,someonewhodrawstheattentionofpotentialvictimsawayfromthepickpocketbyclumsilybumpingintopeople,oreven shouting out “Watch out for pickpockets!” on a crowded train. Whenpeople get bumped, or hear a warning about pickpockets, they tend to checktheirwallets,whichtellsthepickpocketwheretheyare.PickpocketsunderstandtheRuleofOpposites.

The“why?”questionisthepickpocket’saccomplice.Whenyou’re having the thought that you shouldbe controllingyour brain

andfindthatonceagain,yourbrainisproducingallkindsofunreasonableandunwantedworrisome thoughts, you’re likely to respondwith “why”questions,suchas“WhydoIkeepworryingsomuch?”

People usually experience the “why” question as a kind of rhetoricalquestion.They don’t really expect an answer. It’smore of a protest, a finger-pointing question, an angry demand that some higher authority correct thisinjustice. It’s not a question so much as a complaint. Unfortunately, it’s acomplaint expressed in the absence of a complaint department. This questionleadspeople to feelweakerandmorepessimisticabout their future,because itsuggests that the solution to the problem requires someone else, maybe evenGod,todosomething.Meanwhile,theyhavetowaitandworry.

Whenyou’recaughtupinworry,gettingintothe“why”questionamountstotaking the bait. The “why” question is usually some form of resistance to theworry,ratherthananactualinquiry.Andresistancetoworryinevitablyfanstheflamesofworry,ratherthanextinguishingthem.Thisresistanceistheequivalentofslammingon thebrakeswhenmycarstartsskiddingonan icy road.That’sthe last thing I need!Resistance is intuitive. It’s also counterproductive.Whatwereallyneedisaresponsethat’scounterintuitiveandproductive.

Peopleoftenthinkthatthe“why”questionisthekeyissue.WhydoIhavethesethoughts?Whyme?Whyhere?Whynow?

BetterQuestions

The truth is, “why?” is the leastusefulquestion there is aboutworry.Thisquestionisjustanotherwayofbeinganxious.Whileyouprobablycan’tsimplydismiss it and make it go away, you don’t have to get involved in taking itseriously. It will be more helpful to steer away from this “why” question, tocatchyourselfintheactofaskingit,tonoticeitandmoveontothemoreusefulquestionsof“whatandhow.”

WhatamIexperiencingnow?Well,I’mexperiencingworrisomethoughts.HowcanIrespondtoit?I’llcoverthiswiththestepsinchapter9.

ThinkingItOverThischapterdirectedyourattentiontotwotypesofworrisomethoughts—Whatif…? and Why?—that consistently mislead and misdirect you into a life ofchronicworry,andsuggestedwaysofdisarmingthem.Becomingmoreawareofthesethoughtsastheyoccurtoyouisabigstepinlearninghowtodisregardthe“bait”thatsooftenlurespeopleintomakingtheirworrymorepersistent.

Chapter7

ThinkingAboutThoughts

It’sa tricky thing to thinkaboutworry,becauseworry is thought.Thingsgetcomplicated when we think about our thoughts, let alone try to change thosethoughts. This chapter will take a look at the difficulties that can arise whenpeople set out to change their thoughts, and ways around some of thesedifficulties.

CognitiveBehavioralTherapyforAnxietyTheintroductionofcognitivebehavioraltherapyinthemid-1980swasamajorbreakthroughforpeoplewhosufferedwithchronicanxiety.Prior to this, therewereveryfewgoodoptionsforpeoplewhosufferedwithchronicanxiety.Now,forthefirsttime,amethodwasintroducedthatofferedpractical,concretewaystoreducechronicanxiety.

CBT was a radical departure from previous schools of therapy, andcombined a cognitive (thinking) approachwith a behavioral approach.On thecognitive side, it said that mistaken and exaggerated thoughts were heavilyinvolved in producing and maintaining anxiety, and it offered a way to helpclients identify and change those thoughts. The primary tool it offered wascognitive restructuring,which involved the identification of various “errors ofthinking”andthesubsequentreviewandcorrectionofthesethoughts.

IdentifyingWorrisomeThoughts

So,forinstance,apersonwhostruggledwithlotsofworryaboutmoneyandjob security would be directed to identify his key worrisome thoughts on thesubject.Thesethoughtsmightincludestatementslikethefollowing:

I’mlikelytogetfired.

IfIlosethisjob,I’mruined.

I’mtoooldtogetanotherjob.

I’llneverbeabletosupportmyselfandmyfamilyagain.

Mywifewillleaveme,andI’llhavetoliveinmycar.

Sinceemotionsarebelievedtobeshapedbyourthoughtsandbeliefsaboutthetopic,hisemotionswouldbeshapedbythesethoughtsregardlessofhowtrueorfalsetheywere.Ifthisman’sthoughtsaboutfinancesandemploymentwereexaggeratedorunrealisticinsomeway,hewouldhaveanemotionalresponseinhisinternalworldwhichwasoutofproportiontohisactualcircumstancesintheexternalworld.

A CBT therapist would ask him to evaluate his thoughts on the topic heworriedabouttoseehowrealisticorunrealistictheywere,andtolookforsomecharacteristicerrorsinhisthoughts,asdescribedinchapter3.Ifthismanfounderrorsinhistypicalthinkingaboutemploymentandfinances,hewouldworktocorrect his thoughts, replacing the unrealistic thoughts with more realisticversions.Ifthesenew,andmoreaccurate,thoughtsabouthissituationwerelessnegative and foreboding than his previous thoughts, this would change hisemotionalresponseforthebetter.

ChangingBehavior

Onthebehavioralside,CBTwouldsuggestchanges inone’sbehavior thatwouldultimatelyreduceanxiety.Thiswouldincludepracticingwiththeobjects,locations,andactivitiesthatpeoplefear.Sosnakephobicswouldmakeprogressbyspendingtimewithasnake,ratherthanavoidingit,andthesamewouldapplyto people who feared heights, shopping malls, driving, flying, and so on.Relaxationandmeditativemethodsmightalsobeusedtoloweroverallanxietylevels, but exposure to what one fears is considered to be the most effectivebehavioralmethodbyfar.

TraditionalCBTmethodshavebeenofenormoushelptomillionswhohadbeen suffering from chronic anxiety and worry. However, there are a fewdifficultieswhenweattempttoapplythesemethodstochronicworry.

For one, typical worry thoughts usually express uncertainty about apossibility,andmostoftenbeginwith“whatif”asinWhatifIlosemyjob?Thistypeofworry isn’t aprediction that canbeevaluatedand shown tobe trueorfalse.It’saninvitation,asIpointoutinchapter6, to“pretend”thatsomethingbadwillhappenandtoworryaboutit.Sincemosthypotheticalevents,howeverlikely or unlikely, are possible rather than impossible, this makes it more

difficulttoapplytheusualtoolsofcognitiverestructuring.Nomatterhowmuchevidenceyoumaymustertoshowthatyou’reunlikely

toloseyourjob,chronicworrycanalwaystrumpthatargumentbyresponding,“Butwhatifyoudo?”Thisusuallyleadspeopletotrytobecome“sure”thatthefeared eventwon’t happen.When they can’t do that, it serves to prolong andmaintaintheworry.

Secondly, the invitation to use cognitive restructuring to correct “errors ofthinking”canmisleadpeopleintobelievingorhopingthatwecantame,maybeevenperfectourthoughts.Thiscontainstheimplicitsuggestionthatwecandosuchagoodjobofcorrectingourthoughtsastoeliminatedysfunctionalworry.

This is a bridge too far, inmy view, a hope that ismoremisleading thanhelpful. Inmy professionalwork as a psychologist, I have seen far toomanypeoplewhostruggledtocorrecttheirthoughts,whotriedsohardtostophavingunrealistic worries and thoughts which daily filled them with discomfort andupset,onlytofeellikefailuresbecausetheyfailedtocontroltheirthoughts.

YourBrainIsNotaComputerPeopleoftenmistakenlythinkoftheirbrainasacomputer.Let’ssupposeyou’rerunningaprogramwhichdoesn’tworkexactlythewayyouwant.Maybeithasaline of code which converts all your measurements into the metric system,displayingyouroutputinkilogramsandmeterswhenyouwantittousepoundsandyards.Youcould remove that lineof code so that theprogramonlygivesoutput in yards and pounds, and the revised program would run as if it hadalways been written that way. It won’t “remember” that it used to calculatekilogramsandmeters,andexperienceanydoubtaboutwhichsystemtouse.Thecomputerhasnoawarenessorconsciousness,andsoitcan’thaveanythoughtsabout how the program is running, nor about how it used to run before thecorrection.Itjustrunstheprogramascurrentlywritten.

Notsowithyourbrain!Yourbrainrecordsthoughtsasmemories.WhileyoucanliterallyerasethecomputercodeaboutthemetricsystemandreplaceitwithAmerican measurements, your brain doesn’t lose memories unless there hasbeen actual physical damage to the brain. It creates newmemories, and thesememoriescanbecomethedominantmemoryonasubject,butyouneverlosetheoldmemories.Theymayoccurtoyoulessoften,evenfallintodisuse,buttheycanalwaysbecomeactiveagainundertherightcircumstances.

Additionally, you have conscious awareness of thoughts as they occur in

your cerebral cortex. This allows you to have thoughts about thoughts.Computers, at least to date (I hopemyword processor doesn’t have opinionsaboutmywriting), don’t have this conscious awareness—they simply executeinstructionswithoutthinkingaboutthem.

Having thoughts about thoughts is what opens the door to worrying andarguing with yourself. Having thoughts about thoughts is what makes it sodifficult to remove an “error of thinking” from your thoughts. Your effort toremovea thoughtwill inevitably remindyouof the thoughtyoudon’twant tohave.This isoften typified in theclassic,paradoxical instruction:“Don’t thinkofawhitebear.”1

ParadoxicalTherapyforAnxietyandWorryA different school of psychotherapy which appeared about the same time asCBTwasparadoxical therapy.Thismethoddidn’t attain the samemainstreamprominencethatCBThasachievedbut,inmyopinion,canbeamorepowerfulanddirectwayofworkingwithchronicanxietyandworry.Paradoxicaltherapytakesadifferentapproachtotheproblemofcorrectingyourthoughts.It leavesthoughtaloneandrequestsactioninstead.Anditrequestsactioninaparadoxicalway,arequestthatisdifficulttofullyacceptorreject.

Aparadox isaseemingly logical requestor instruction that leads toaself-contradictory result. A typical paradoxical requestmight be: “Be spontaneousnow!”or “Listen carefully towhat I say anddon’t dowhat I tell you.”Thesekindsofinstructionscreateconfusionwithinthelistenerandmakeitdifficultforhertokeepdoingthesameoldthingthatshewasdoingbefore.“Actnatural”isanotherexample.

The principal tool of paradoxical therapy is called “prescribing thesymptom.”Thishasanastonishingamountofpowerinhelpingpeopleovercomechronicanxiety.Here’s anexampleofprescribing the symptom.When Iworkwith a client who is struggling to overcome chronic worry, I might ask thispersontodeliberatelykeepherworriesinmindaswehaveourconversation.

When I first do this, people have two principal reactions. First, they thinkI’mcrazy,butI’llclearthatupwiththemlater.Second,theyfindithardtokeepthatworry thought inmind andmay find that theykeep forgetting about theirworry,eventhoughI’veaskedthemtopaymoreattentiontoit.

How does this work? My odd request for them to focus more on theirworrisome thoughts interrupts and disrupts their internal effort to “stop

worrying.”And, it turnsout, thiseffort to“stopworrying” isamajor factor inmaintainingchronicworry!When Idisrupt itwithmyunexpected request, theworryactuallybecomeslesspersistent.

Paradoxical methods are powerful in working with chronic anxiety andworrybecausechronicanxietyisitselfsuchaparadoxicalexperience.Bythat,Imeanthesetwothings:

Youreffortstodirectlyincreaseanxietywilldecreaseit.

Youreffortstodirectlyreduceanxietywillincreaseit.

Inalargersense,allthetherapiesmentionedabove,includingCBT,haveaparadoxicalaspect to them,becausetheyallencouragetheclient toexperiencetheanxietyinsomeway,topracticewithit,inordertoreduceitovertime.Thisiswhyweinvitethesnakephobictositwithasnake,theflyingphobictogoforanairplaneride, theagoraphobic togo to theshoppingmall,andsoon. Inmyview, theelementsof these therapies thatencourageaperson toworkwith theanxiety, rather thanagainst,are themostpowerfulelementsof those therapies.It’sthisparadoxicalelementofanxietyandworrythatexplainstheobservation“TheharderItry,theworseitgets.”It’stheparadoxicalelementofanxietythatgivestheRuleofOppositesitspower.

CBThasbeenthetreatmentofchoiceforanxietyforthepastthirtyyears.Asitsstrengthsandweaknesseshavebecomemoreapparent,newideasandmodelsofhowtoworkwithanxiousthoughtshaveappeared,includingacceptanceandcommitment therapy, metacognitive therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, andnarrativetherapy,amongothers.

These models embody a different attitude toward thoughts than doestraditionalCBT.All thesemethodsseethoughtsascentral intheproductionofemotions,butthesenewermethodstakeamuchmoreskepticalattitudetowardthoughts,andparticularlytowardourabilitytocontrolthoughts.

From thisperspective, thebrainproduces thoughts in the samemanner thekidneysproduceurineandtheliverproducesbile.It’sjustwhattheorgandoes.And because you can only evaluate your thoughts with the same organ thatproducedthosethoughtsinthefirstplace—yourbrain—youdon’thaveawaytoform an independent evaluation of your thoughts. None of us do. This is thereasonpeoplesooftenactasiftheirthoughtsareagood,accuratemodelfortheexternalworldevenwhenthey’renot.

Thisisalsowhywe’resooftenattachedtoourthoughts,takeprideinthem

as we would an important creation, and tend to find more value in our ownthoughts than in anyone else’s. So we have this problem, as expressed byChicago comedianEmoPhillips: “I used to think that the brainwas themostwonderfulorganinmybody.ThenIrealizedwhowastellingmethis.”2

And we have the second problem that it isn’t always so easy to directlychangeathought.Alltoooftentheeffortspeoplemaketochangetheirthoughtsbegin to work like thought stopping and, as I’ve previously noted, thoughtstopping is almost always unhelpful.Themain result of “thought stopping” is“thoughtresumption.”

If you use cognitive restructuring and find it helpful in modifying yourworrieswithoutgettinginvolvedinalotofarguingwithyourself,withoutalotofbacktalkfromtheworries,that’sgood.Keepdoingthat!However,ifyoufindthat you get bogged down in arguing with your thoughts when you seek to“correct” theerrors, and that theworrisome thoughtscontinue to recur toyou,thencognitiverestructuringmightbestartingtoworkjustlikethoughtstoppingforyou.Ifthat’sthecase,youmaybebetteroffusingsomeoftheacceptance-basedtechniquesIpresentinchapters8to10ratherthantryinghardertomakethecognitiverestructuringwork.

AcceptanceandCommitmentTherapyAcceptance and commitment therapy has a lot to say about working withthoughts.ACTidentifiesthoughtandlanguageaskeysourcesofhumanmisery.Fromthisperspective, thoughtandlanguagearethesuitcasebywhichyoucanpack up your troubles and move from, say, New York to Los Angeles, yetexperiencethesamethoughtsandemotionsinL.A.thatyoudidinN.Y.

ACTidentifies“cognitivefusion”asaprincipalproblem.3Whatiscognitivefusion? It’swhenwegivepropertiesandcharacteristics towordsand thoughtswhichonlyreallybelongtotheobjectsthosewordsdescribe.

What does that mean? Consider the example of a young child who getsscratchedbythefamilycat.YoungSusiemayfeelafraidofthatcatforawhile,mightfeelafraidofothercatsanddogsintheneighborhood,mightrunfromtheroomwhen a cat food commercial comes on television, andmight even burstintotearsorshowsignsofdistresswhensomeonementionstheword“cat.”Shecanfeel fearwhenshehears theword,evenwhenthecat isoutside.Susiehasgiven the word “cat” the properties of scratchiness and “biteyness” that onlyactuallybelongtotheanimal.InACTterms,shehas“fused”theword“cat”with

thoseproperties.Asaresult,shecanbecomeafraidintheabsenceofthecat,justfromhearingtheword,ormaybeeventhinkingtheword.Shenolongermakesadistinctionbetweenhearing theword “cat” and seeing a cat leap at her, clawsoutspread.

As her parents notice this, theymay try to help keepSusie calmby usingsomecodetoreferto“cat”whentheyfinditnecessarytomentionthatwordinherpresence.Maybetheyusepiglatin(ixnaywiththeatcay!)orrefertoitasabanana rather thanacat.They’re trying tocare forSusieandprotecther fromupset. But they are also, unwittingly, strengthening the association Susie hasformed between the sound of the word “cat” and those hurtful properties of“biteyness” and scratchiness, because they’re deprivingher of opportunities togetusedtohearingtheword.

Defusing“HotButton”Words

Youcansee thesamethinginanxietyandpanicsupportgroupsallaroundthecountry,manyofwhichdiscourageorprohibittheuseofcertainwordsthatmightbothertheirmembers.Forinstance,somesupportgroupsforpeoplewithpanicattacksaskmembers to refrain fromusing theword“breathing”becausesomemembersaresensitivetothiswordandwillhavetroublecatchingtheir“b”ifsomeoneuses the“b”word!Thegrouphasfused theword“breathing”withthesensationsofhyperventilationandallthesymptomsthataccompanyit.JustaswesawwithSusieandherparents,hereweseepeople,intendingtobekindand protective, acting inways that lead people to feelmore vulnerable, ratherthanless,tothe“b”word.

Doyouhavesome“hotbutton”wordsthatyouprefertoavoid,toskimoverifyouseetheminprint,wordsyoudon’twanttosayaloudbecausetheymightleadyoutofeelanxious?

Youprobablydo,ifyouletyourmindponderitforafewmoments.Peoplewith panic attacks often want to avoid words like “faint,” “cerebralhemorrhage,”“screaminginsanity,”andsoon.Peoplewithsocialanxietyaren’tso fond of words like “sweat,” “tremble,” and “blush.” People with intrusiveobsessive thoughts tend to avoid the key words from those thoughts, like“murder,” “poison,” “stab,” “insecticide,” and so on. Even people with justbasic,gardenvarietyanxietyhavewordsthatcarrysomespecial,“fused”feelingforthem.

Wanttotryanexperiment?

I hope by now you can guess where I’m going with this, and what theexperimentis.

Theexperimentis:takeoneofthosewordsandrepeatit,outloudifyouhavetheprivacytodothat—twenty-fivetimes.

IfyoungSusiedoesthatwiththeword“cat,”thewordwillprobablystarttoloseitsclaws.

By theway, ifyoudidguesswhat theexperimentwouldbe,or somethingclose,that’sgreat—you’regettingusedtousingtheRuleofOpposites!

ACT seeks to help people undo this kind of cognitive fusion by fosteringdefusion—orasIcall it,“defusion,”sincethetechniqueaimstobreakthelinkyoumayhaveestablishedbetweenawordor thoughtand theactualpropertiesyou have come to associate with that thought. For instance, Susie’s parentsmighthelpher tode-fuse theword“cat” from thosepropertiesof scratchinessand “biteyness” bymakingnonsense rhymeswith theword cat, singing songsabout cats, rhyming theword “cat,”making artwork based on theword “cat,”and so on. Panic support groups could help their members de-fuse the word“breathing”bysimilarlyengaginginplayfulexercisesthatuse,andoveruse,theword.

Defusioncanbeapowerfulmethodbywhichyoucanreducethemiseryyouhavecometofeelinresponsetochronicworry.Miseryoftenaccompanies,forinstance,disease, especiallywhen it’s a seriousdisease.However, peoplewhostrugglewithchronicworryaboutdiseasecanexperiencethesamemiserytheyassociate with disease evenwhen they are healthy, just from having thoughtsabout disease.That’swhy they tend to avoidwatchingmedical showsonTV.They’retryingtoavoidanythingthatmightremindthemofdisease.All that isnecessaryisto“fuse”thethoughtofdiseasewiththemiseryofactuallybeingill.Defusionisamethodbywhichyoucangreatlyreducetheamountofmiseryyouexperienceinresponsetoyourunwantedthoughts.

ACT also seeks to help people spendmore time in taking actionwith theexternal world around them and less time trying to rearrange or change thethoughtsandfeelingstheyexperienceintheirinternalworld.Inthissense,ACThasatleastasuperficialresemblancetotheSerenityPrayer:

God,grantmetheserenitytoacceptthethingsIcannotchange,ThecouragetochangethethingsIcan,Andthewisdomtoknowthedifference.When I received someACT training, one of the general principles I took

away was that it’s probably more useful to help people examine how theirthoughts influence their behavior than it is to spend time challenging theaccuracyofthethoughts.(ThesecharacterizationsofACTandCBTaremyownview and,while I think they’re reasonably accurate, they represent how I usethesemethods,ratherthanhowACTandCBTexpertsmayteachandusethem.)

This represents perhaps the sharpest contrast between a traditionalCBTorcognitive restructuring approach to thoughts and an ACT approach. Let’sconsidertheexampleofaclientwhostruggleswiththoughtsofbeingacoward.A CBT therapist would probably ask that client to define what he means bycowardandthencomparetheclient’sbehaviortothatdefinition,takingnoteofwhen the client acted like a coward and when he did not. In this way, thetherapistwouldhelptheclienttogetamorebalancedandaccurateviewofhisbehaviorwiththeultimategoalofhelpingtheclienttoachievemoreaccuracyinhisthoughts.

AnACTtherapist,ontheotherhand,isn’tgoingtogetinvolvedinlookingatthe accuracy, or lack thereof, of that thought about being a coward at all.AnACTtherapistismorelikelytoaskaquestionlikethis:“Thisthoughtyouhaveabout being a coward—is it getting in the way of you doing anything that’simportanttoyou?”

In other words, an ACT therapist will help you look at your thoughts interms of how they influence your behavior, rather than how accurate orinaccurate they may be. The implicit goal is to help you to behave, in theexternalworld,more inkeepingwithyourownhopesandaspirations foryourlife rather thanbeing limited bywhatever thoughts happen to cropup in yourinternalworld.

TwistsandTurns:HowThoughtsCanAffectBehaviorIhappenedtobeworkingwithaclientwhowascontinuallyworryingabouthisretirementplanaroundthetimeIwasfirstlearningaboutACT.Thismanwasn’tclose to retirement, nor did he have any financial problems. In fact, he wasrelatively well off. But he was obsessively preoccupied with this worrisomethought:What if my retirement plan turns out to be insufficient by the time Iretire? Thisworrisome thought, and his ongoing efforts to rid himself of thisthought, were his near-constant companions, and he used all the anti-worryresponseswelookedatinchapter3,withlittlebenefit.

He and I worked cognitive restructuring really hard. We looked at his

thoughts about how terrible retirement might be if he had less money thananticipated. We reviewed the options he would have then to cut back hisexpensesandconsideredhowthoselifestylechangesmightaffecthismoodandthoughts. We considered cutbacks he could make in his current spendingpatterns inorder togivehimahigherprobabilityofasolidretirement income,and how hewould think and feel about that set of changes.We reviewed histhoughts aboutworking part time in retirement, should he feel that necessary,andthepossibilityofhisspouseplayingalargeroleinmoneymaking.Hefoundneithercomfortnorreductioninworryfromtheseefforts.

Isuggestedthepotentialbenefitsofgettinganexpertreviewofhisplanfromafinancialplanner,onlytolearnthathehadalreadydonethisseveraltimes.Theproblemheexperiencedwiththisattemptedsolutionwasthat,whenyouconsultafinancialplanner, theytypicallywantyoutosignadocumentacknowledgingthattheirforecastsarebuiltoncertainassumptionswhichmightnotturnouttobeaccurate,andpromisingyouwon’tsuethemforthat.“Notaccurate?”hesaid.“ThatwaswhyIwentthereinthefirstplace,togetanaccurateprediction!”

Weweregettingnowhere slowly!Oneday it occurred tome that anACTtherapist wouldn’t be doing all this work of looking at how true or false hisworriesaboutretirementwere.IrememberedtheACTquestion,“Ishavingthisthought getting in thewayof youdoing anything important?”And so I askedhimthatquestion.

Itturnedoutitwasgettinginthewayofhimdoingsomethingimportant,andwhenIheardwhat itwas, I realized immediately that Ihadmisunderstood theproblem.YoucantrytoguesswhatitwasbeforeItellyou,butIdoubtanyonewillguessitcorrectly.

Itwasn’tpreventinghimfromworking,orretiring,orsavingmoney.Itwaspreventing him from doing something else, something thatmademe realize Ihadbeenapproachingthewrongproblem.

Whatwasit?Whenyoubelongtoaretirementplan,eitheronyourownorthroughanemployer,yougetaperiodicreportabouthowyourplanisdoing.Itshowsthecontributionsyou’vemade;thecontributionsyouremployer’smade,ifany;andthechangeinthemarketvalueofyourstockandbondholdingsintheplan.Thisistheinformationpeopleusetomonitorandchangetheirinvestmentstrategyasneeded.

Thisman’sworrisomethoughtspreventedhimfromopeningtheretirementreportwhenitcameinthemail.Hewouldputitinafilingcabinetunopened.

IrealizedthenthatIhadmisdiagnosedtheproblem.Ihadbeenproceedingas

ifthismanneededtofeelmoresecureinhisfinancialplanning.ButnowIcouldseethathewassointolerantofworryanduncertaintythathewaswillingtogiveupcontrolofhisfinances,ifonlythatwouldrelievehisworry!

Hedidn’t need tobecomemore confident and sure—heneeded tobecomemorewilling to feelunsure,and livewith thatsetof thoughtsandfeelings.Heneededtodomoreworkwiththeworry,andlessagainst.

ThinkingItOverThinkingaboutyourworries,inanefforttoevaluateandcorrectthem,hassomelimitations, and these limitations may hamper your effort to calm worrisomethoughtswithcognitiverestructuring.

For one thing, thinking objectively about your thoughts is quite difficult,maybe impossible, because the tool you use to evaluate your thoughts—yourbrain—is the same tool that created them in the first place. For another, yourefforts to evaluate and correct your worrisome thoughts will often produce akindofinternalarguingwithyourthoughts,ratherthanthecalmresolutionthatyouoriginallyhopedfor.

Ifyoufindthattheselimitationshamperyoureffortstoreducechronicworrywithcognitive restructuring,youmight findmore reliefwith the techniquesofcognitive defusion. Working with (rather than against) the key words andthoughtsofyourchronicworry,particularlyinaplayful,humorousmanner,maywellgiveyoubetterresultsthaneffortstorationalizeandcorrectthecontentofyourworries.

Chapter8

UncleArgumentandYourRelationshipwithWorry

HowareyoudoingwiththeTicTacsfromchapter6?It’softensurprisingtosee how thoroughly this “what if” habit has infiltrated your daily thoughts. IencourageyoutocontinueusingtheTicTacsforafewweeks,becausethiswillhelp you build your ability to observe, as if from a distance, your ownworryhabitsandinvitations.

This chapterwill lay out the big picture ofwhat a good relationshipwithworrylookslikeandoffersomespecificstepsyoucantaketostarttravelingthatpath.Approachthisthesamewayyouwouldapproachanysignificantlifestylechange likedietorexercise—focuson taking the stepsandbuilding them intoyour daily life rather than looking for immediate success. It’s understandablethatpeoplelookforquickresultswhenmakingachange,butall toooftenthatfocus onquick results detracts from their ability to stay on pathwith the newhabit.Thekeyhereistobuildthenewhabitsintoyourlifeandthen,overtime,reapthebenefits.

Here’s a phrase that can help you keep this in mind: Feelings followbehavior.Be it a diet, an exercise plan, or aworry reduction program,we allwant to feel good as soon as possible.But the good feelingswill likely comeafter,notbefore,wemakethechangesinourhabitsanddailyroutine.

What’saGoodRelationshipwithWorry?Let’s suppose you’re going to a family event. Maybe it’s a wedding, agraduationparty,abarmitzvah,ora fiftiethanniversaryparty.You’re lookingforward to it andwant toenjoy it.Unfortunately,youmisplaced the invitationforawhile.YouwerethelastpersontosendinyourRSVP,andsotheyseatedyounexttoUncleArgumentatthebanquettable.

Uncle Argument is actually an okay person, but he really, really likes toargue.That’sprettymuchhisentireconversationalstyle.Ifyou’reaDemocrat,he’saRepublican.IfyouthinkAmericanfootballisthegreatestsport,hepickssoccer.Ifyouthinkbreakfastisthemostimportantmeal,hesaysthatit’sdinner,

and so on. The man just loves to argue. He’s not really mean, he just lovesarguing.

Andyou’llbe seatednext tohimatdinner.Youdon’twant to argue.Youwanttositandeat,youwanttoenjoythemeal,youwanttohavesomepleasantconversationifpossible,butyouabsolutelydon’twanttoargue.Arguinggivesyouastomachache.Whatcanyoudo?

It’sHardtoAvoidArguing

Youcan’tmovetoanothertable,becausetherearen’tanyemptyseats.Youcan’t change seats with anybody, because nobody wants to sit next to UncleArgument.Soyouhavetositnexttohimunlessyouskipthemeal.Youdon’twant to do that because that’s usually the part you enjoy themost, and goingwithout foodgivesyouastomachacheaswell.Howcanyousitnext toUncleArgumentfortheentiremealwithoutarguing?Whatwouldyouroptionsbe?

You might try ignoring him, but that just makes him louder and morepersistent.He loves itwhenpeople try to ignorehim,becausehe takes that tomeanhe’swinningtheargument.Sothatwon’thelp.

Youmight tellhimyoudon’twant toargue,but thatalsomakeshimmorepersistent,andhe’llstartnaggingyouaboutbeingafraidtovoiceyouropinion.You could yell at him, tell him to shut up, but that’s angry arguing, whichdelights and encourages him. You could listen carefully for him to saysomething that’s clearlywrong, and thenpoint that out to him, but that’s alsoarguing,andheneveradmitstobeingwronganyway.Youcouldtrytogetotherpeople at the table to help you out, but they don’t want to mess with UncleArgument,sothey’lllooktheotherway.You’reonyourown!

You could hit him, but you probablywon’t get invited to the next familyeventifyoustartafistfightatthisone.Andyoudon’twanttobringthepolicetotheparty.Sowhatcanyoudo?

TheOppositeofArguing

How about this—you can humor him. You can agree with everything hesays, true or untrue, brilliant or ridiculous, whatever. “Yes, Uncle Argument,howverytrue.Sowise.FromyourmouthtoGod’sears.”

Doyouhaveanydoubt that ifyouagreewitheverythinghesays, thismanwholovesarguingmorethananythingelsewillfindsomeoneelsetoarguewith?

Doyougiveanythingupbyhumoringhim?Wouldthisbeareasonablewayofrespondingtothepersistentinvitationtoargue?

Youcanhaveanarguing,confrontationalrelationshipwithhim,oryoucanhaveahumoringrelationshipwithhim.Themanissopersistentthatheleavesyounootherchoice.Youwishyouhadotherchoices,butyoualsowanttoenjoythebanquet,andthesearethechoicesyouhave.

Dealingwithyourworry is likedealingwithUncleArgument. If you takethebait and reply to the specificcontentof thearguments,youendupgettingembroiledwhenyou justwanted to eat.You endup exactlywhereyoudidn’twanttobe—arguing,andfindingthatyourcomfortlevelisdecreasing.

On the other hand, if you create the habit of humoring your worrisomethoughts, you can increasingly pass over the invitation to argue withoutbecomingembroiledorupset.Youcanplaywiththethoughts,ratherthanworkagainstthem.

Does this sound counterintuitive? That’s good, because the problem iscounterintuitive.Ifit’struethattheharderyoutrytosuppressthesethoughts,theworse they get, then you will probably benefit from trying something verydifferent.HumoringthethoughtswillbejustwhattheRuleofOppositeswouldsuggest.

ISTHATOKAYWITHYOU?

Do you have any objections to this? Sometimes people express somereservations in the formof“should”statements,as in,“He”—UncleArgument—“shouldbemorerespectfulofmyfeelings”and“Ishouldn’thavetodealwithall thesestupidthoughts!”Butif thatweregoingtogetyousomewhere,you’dbesittingatalovelycaféwithoutacareintheworld,whileabeautifulstrangerreadspoetrytoyou,insteadofreadingthisbook.Bettertoworkwith“whatis”thantogetstressedaboutthosethoughtsofwhat“shouldbe.”

ANEWWAYTOLOOKATWORRY

This “Uncle Argument” metaphor might be very different from the waysyou’ve thought about chronicworry in the past.Howhave you thought aboutyourchronicworryinthepast?Whatkindofmetaphorscometomind?

Most people who struggle with chronic worry tend to use metaphors thatinvolve struggle, resistance, and fighting. They may think about the anxietydemonandhowtheycanslayit.It’snaturalenoughtothinkaboutchronicworryintermsofdemonizingitandopposingit.That’saveryintuitiveresponse.

Butthisisacounterintuitiveproblem…andsowhenwerelyonournaturalintuitiveresponses,weoftenendupfeelingfrustratedinourattemptstosolveaproblem.WhenI’mskiddingonanicyroad,theharderItrytosteerawayfromthatphonepole,themorelikelyIamtohitit.Ineedtosteerintotheskid.

So it iswithourmetaphors for chronicworry.Worry isnot adiseaseor asoul-suckingalienthat’s invadedmymind.It’s just thenaturalconsequenceofmybrainlookingoutforme,probablymorethannecessary.AcounterintuitiveresponseismuchmorelikelytogetmewhereIwanttobe.Thatwilltakealittlegettingusedto.

WorryIsLikeaHecklerChronicworryislikeahecklerintheaudienceataperformance.Dealingwithahecklerrequiresaparticularkindofresponse.Asaperformer,itwon’thelptogodown into the audience and have a fistfight with the heckler, because thatpreventsyoufromdeliveringtheperformanceyoucamefor.Neitherwillithelptodefendyourselfagainsttheheckler’scomments,becausethenyou’rearguingwiththehecklerratherthandoingyourshow.Anditwon’tdototryandignorethehecklingeither,becauseitwillbenoticeablenomatterhowhardyoutrynotto notice, and struggling not to noticewill distract you from the task at hand.Youcouldperhapsaskthehecklertostop,butgenerallyspeaking,hecklersdon’trespondtosimplerequeststobereasonable.Yourrequestwillprobablyfallondeaf ears and the heckling will continue, and meanwhile you’ve again beendistractedfromyourtask.

What’sagoodway to respond toaheckler? It’sprobablybest towork thehecklerintoyourroutine.Thisway,youdon’thavetochoosebetweengoingonwith your show (or daily business) and listening to the heckler. And, as youworkwiththehecklinginthisway,treatingitlikeyouwouldanyothersoundsintheroom,thehecklingwillprobablydiedown.Whatkeepshecklinggoingisthesensethatthehecklingisgettingattentionandbeingdisruptive.Asitstartstoblendinwiththeshow,itwillprobablydiminish.

AreYouBeingHeckledByYourOwnThoughts?

What does it mean when you find yourself getting heckled by your ownthoughts?Aswesawinchapter4,itmeansyou’renervous.That’sprobablyallitmeans—not endangered, just nervous. You could run a quick check with the

two-parttestfromchapter2ifyouwant.Suppose you get an e-mail from a Nigerian prince, in which he offers to

shareafortuneingoldwithyou.Hejustneedsyoutogivehimaccesstoyourbankaccountsohecantransferittoyou.

Ifyou take thecontentof thise-mailat facevalue—ifyou take it tomeanthatyou’llsoonberich—you’regoingtogetsuckered.However,ifyoureadthecontentofthee-mailandmakeaninterpretationofwhatitmeans—thatsomeoneistryingtoscamyou—you’llprobablycomeoutofitallright.

Theseworrisomethoughts(theheckling)needtobeinterpretedinasimilarway.Therepetitive“whatif”thoughtsdon’treally,accuratelypredictillness,jobloss,boilerfailure,kidsflunkingoutofschool,andsoon.Whattheydomeanis“I’mnervous.”

Andthat’swhatyouhavetorespondto—nervousness,notdisaster.

HumoringtheWorrySo how about doing some humoring? There are a lot of ways to do this.

Here’sonemethod.Simply take the thought, accept it, and exaggerate it. There’s a training

exercise in improvisational theater called “Yes, and…” In this exercise, youacceptwhatevertheotherpersoninthescenehasjusttoldyou,andbuildonitbyadding somethingelse.Youdon’tdisagree,or contradict,ordenywhat theother player just said. You accept it and add to it. This is probably themostfundamental rule of improvisational comedy—no denial! Instead, acceptwhatevertheotherperformersofferyouandbuildonit.

This rule works on stage and will also work in your own mind, in yourinternalworld.Thereasonitworkssowellonstageisdifferentfromthereasonitworks sowellwithworry,but this ruledefinitelyhelpswithworry. It helpsbecauseit’sanexpressionoftheRuleofOpposites.

Howcanyouuse it?Herearesomeexamplesofhumoring the thoughts inthisway.

WhatifIfreakoutontheairplaneandtheyhavetorestrainme?Yes, and when the plane lands they’ll probably parade me through town

beforetakingmetotheasylum,andI’llbeonthenightlynewsforeveryonetosee.

WhatifIgetsonervousatthebanquetthatmyhandsshakesoeveryonecansee?

Yes, and I’ll probably spill hot soup all over the bridal party and causeseconddegreeburns,sothehoneymoonwillberuined.

WhatifIgetafatalillness?Yes,andIbettercall thehospital tomakeareservationnow,andprobably

thefuneralhome,too.Thepointofthisresponseisnottogetridoftheworry.Myclientsareoften

sousedtotryingtoridthemselvesoftheirchronicworrythatthey’llsometimestrythehumoringresponseforawhile,thencomebacktomeandsay“Itdidn’twork.Istillworry.”That’snottheaimofhumoring.

Worryiscounterintuitive.Whenyoutrytoremoveit,bywhatevermeans,itbecomesmorepersistent.Thepointofahumoringresponseistobecomemoreacceptingoftheworrysothatitmatterslesstoyou.It’stogetbetterathearingand accepting the thought for what it is—simply a thought, a twitch in yourinternal world. It’s okay to have thoughts—smart ones, dumb ones, pleasantones,angryones,scaryones,andsoon.Wedon’thavethatmuchchoiceinthematter. We all have lots of thoughts. And a lot of them are misleading andexaggerated.That’sokay.Wedon’thave tobeguidedby them,or arguewiththem,ordisprovethem,orsilencethem.Wejusthavetobewillingtohearthemaswegoonaboutourbusiness.

Inotice thatmyclientswithchronicworrygo throughacycle.When theyhaveatimeofextraworry,theylabelit“abadtime”andstruggletobringittoanend.Whentheyhaveatimeofreducedworry,theylabelit“agoodtime”andtry to keep the worry at bay. They’re always trying to adjust their menu ofthoughts—anditusuallybringsaverydifferentresultthantheyintended.

What’sapersontodo?Whenyoutrytogetridofthe“badtimes,”itoftenprolongs and strengthens them.Whenyou try to hold on to the “good times,”theygetrippedfromyourhands.

Frustrating, right?Let’s recall that importantobservation:Theharder I try,theworseitgets.Howcanyouapplythathere?

You might identify your worry thought and “keep that thought in mind.”What does thatmean, to keep that thought inmind? Itmeans the opposite ofwhatyoudowhenyoutryto“keepthatthoughtoutofmind!”Youdeliberatelykeepthethoughtathand,playingwithit,repeatingit,tryingnottoforgetaboutit,maybecheckinginwithyourselfeverythreeminutesorsotomakesureyou

remembertorepeatthethoughttoyourselfperiodically.Whywouldanyonedothat?Well,ifit’struethat“theharderItry,theworse

itgets,”you’llprobablygetbetterresultsdoingtheoppositeofwhatyouusuallydo!

BecomeLessAttachedtoYourThoughts

Anothergoodway,amoregeneralone,andperhaps themost importantofall,istogetlessattachedtoyourthoughts,regardlessofwhetherthecontentofthosethoughtsseemsgoodorbad.Yourautomaticthoughtsarelikeanunendingsoundtrack that accompanies you your entire life. Sometimes the thoughts arerelevant, sometimes not; sometimes pleasant, sometimes not; sometimesaccurate, sometimesnot.There’snooff switch,novolumecontrol.We live inourthoughtsthesamewayagoldfishlivesinwater.

NeitheryounorIgettopickourthoughts.Wecan,however,oftenpickhowwerespondtothem,andwecancertainlypickwhatwedowithourtimeonthisplanet.We don’t need to get our thoughts arranged thewaywemight like inordertodothingswewanttodo.

Thisworkthatpeopledooftryingtoholdontothe“good”thoughtsandgetridofthe“bad”thoughts—wheredotheydoit?Intheirheads!Astheactivityoflife goes on around them, they’re missing out, because they’re inside, tryingonce again to rearrange the furniture rather than coming out here into thesunlightwherelifeactuallyoccurs.Letyourthoughtscomeandgoinyourheadwhile you tend to the activities that are important to you out in the externalworld,theenvironmentofpeopleandobjectsthatyoulivein.

Wanttotryanexperiment?Itwon’ttakelong,maybefiveminutes.It’sgotthreesteps.

TheWorryExperiment

StepOne.Createasentence,maximumoftwenty-fivewords,thatexpressesthestrongestversionyoucancreateofoneofyourtypicalworries,somethingthat’sbeenbotheringyourecently.Thefirsttwowords,ofcourse,willbe“whatif,”soyoureallyonlyhavetwenty-threewordstoplaywith.Trytocreateathoughtthatnotonlyincludestheterribleeventyoufearbutalsoincorporatesthelong-termconsequencesofthisproblem,theangstyou’llfeelinyouroldageasyourememberthisbadevent,andsoon.Thiswillbethelongestofthethreesteps.

Spendsometimeonittogetagoodworryexpressionandtogetthemostunpleasantideasinitthatyoucan.

Hereareacoupleofexamples.Asyoumightexpect, simply reading theseexamplesofworrywillinducediscomfortinmanyreaders,thesamewayascarybookormoviewillfillapersonwithfear.That’sokay,itwillpass.However,ifyoudon’tfeeluptothatexperiencerightnow,bookmarkthissectionandcomebacksomeothertimewhenyou’remorewillingtofeelthatdiscomfort.

Examples:

Forsomeonewhoworriesaboutlosinghis/hersanity:

WEAK:WhatifIgocrazy?

BETTER:WhatifIgocrazyandendupinaninstitution?

GOOD:What if I go crazy, end up in an institution, and live a long,miserable,pointlesslife—forgotten,toothless,withbadhair,abandonedandalone?

Forsomeonewhoworriesaboutlookingfoolishataparty:

WEAK:WhatifIgetreallynervousattheparty?

BETTER: What if I get really nervous at the party, and then startsweatingandtrembling?

GOOD: What if I get really nervous at the party, start sweating andtrembling,peeinmypants,andpeopleavoidmetherestofmylife?

Go ahead and draft your worry. Use a topic that you usually find quiteupsetting, in order to make this experiment meaningful. State the “what if”worryandaddtwoorthree“andthen”statementsoftheterribleconsequencesitwillproduce.Don’tjuststopwithyourfirstdraft.Takealittletimetoedititandgetthemaximumstrength—allthefearandloathingyoucanmuster—intoyourwording.

StepTwo.Writethenumbersonetotwenty-fiveonaslipofpaper.

StepThree.Sit,orstand,infrontofamirrorsoyoucanseeyourself.Saytheworrysentenceoutloud,slowly,twenty-fivetimes.Aftereachrepetition,crossoffthenextnumberonyourslipofpaper,soyoucankeepcount.

If you prefer, you can group twenty-five small items—toothpicks, coins,jellybeans (or Tic Tacs!)—on a table, moving them one at a time with eachrepetition.Don’tcountinyourhead,becausethattakestoomuchconcentration.I want you to concentrate on the twenty-five repetitions of the worrisomethought.

Goaheadandtrythis.Pickatimeandplacethatallowsyouprivacy,soyoucanfocusyourattentiononwhatyou’resayingwithoutalotofconcernforbeingoverheard.Youmayfeelfoolishanyway,butpleasedogiveitafairtry.Don’tskippastthis!

Thisexercisemaynotbeapleasantexperience,butIthinkitwillbeworththetemporarypain.Experimentslikethisonewillbeveryhelpfulindevelopingabetter understandingof howyourworryworks and in cultivating a differentwayofrespondingtoit.Comebackwhenyou’redone.

It seems odd and counterintuitive, this idea, but remember what kind ofresultsyou’veobtainedfromlogicalandintuitiveeffortsinthepast.Justcheckitout—it’sanexperiment!

All done? So now, if you were doing this experiment in my office, thequestionIwouldaskisthis:Howdidtheemotionalimpactofthelastrepetitioncomparetotheemotionalimpactofthefirstrepetition?Whichonebotheredyoumore?

RepeatingtheWorryUsuallyReducesItsPower!

Ifyou’re likemostpeoplewithchronicworry,youprobablyfoundthat theworrisome thought lost power with repetition, so that the last repetition feltmuch less disturbing than the first one.And if youdid, this offers a powerfulinsight into the nature of your chronic worry. (If you didn’t get this result,review the worry you used to make sure it’s representative of your chronicworries,andreplaceitifit’snot.Ifitisarepresentativestatement,youmightbedealingwithadifferentkindofproblem—depressivememoriesofapastevent,rather than worrisome thoughts of a possible future event, for instance; or astrong obsessive compulsive tendency. If this is the case, perhaps you shouldreview your work with the earlier chapters, or review your situation with a

professionaltherapistskilledinthistypeofwork.)Thinkofall theeffortsyou’vemade to ridyourselfof theworry,andhow

littleyouhavetoshowforthem.Thinkoftheresultsyou’veobtainedfromtheanti-worrytechniquesyoulistedinchapter3.Yethere,withjustafewmomentsofrepeatingyourworryoutloud,youprobablyreduceditsabilitytodisturbyou—notpermanently,ofcourse,buttherepetitionproducedatemporarychangeinyouremotionalresponsetotheworry.

“Whatif”thisismorelikethewaytorespondtochronicworry?“Whatif”thisapproach—humoringandmakingplentyofroomfor theworry—hasmoretoofferyouthanallthethoughtstoppingmethodsyou’veheardsomuchabout?

Thiswouldmeanamajorrevisionofyourrelationshipwithchronicworry.Itwould suggest a counterintuitive response to a counterintuitive problem.ConsistentwiththeRuleofOpposites,youwouldrespondtochronicworrybyaccepting and playing with the thoughts, rather than trying to rid yourself ofthem.Youwould defuse theworry thoughts by accepting them as sources ofdoubt,ratherthandanger.Youwouldhumortheworries,ratherthangetdrawnintounwantedargument.Youwouldtreatthemlikeatic,ratherthanatumor.

In short, you can replace the counterproductive thought stopping with theveryproductivethoughtexposure.Asnakephobicwhowantstoovercomethatphobiawillneedtospendsometimewithsnakesinordertoovercomethefear.If you have an ongoing issuewith chronicworry, theworrisome thoughts areyoursnakes.

I’ve worked with clients who feared snakes and wanted to overcome thatfear,andI’vedonethatbyhavingoneormoreextendedexposuresessionswitha client and a snake.While the problem initially seems insurmountable to theclient,it’snotreallyahardjobtohelpthemovercomeit.Ijusthavetotakethetimetohelpthemacceptthesymptomsoffearandgetinvolvedwiththesnake.Thedesensitizationtothesnakethenoccursquitenaturally.

TheonlythingIhavetorememberistogetanonpoisonoussnake.Andwithchronicworry, all the snakes are nonpoisonous. Thoughts, however upsetting,foul,disgusting,annoying,andsoon,arejustneverdangerous.It’sdiscomfort,notdanger.

For some people, itwill be enough to take the humoring response as I’vedescribedithere.Ifyoucandothat,andreturnyourenergyandattentionbacktotheactivitiesthatareimportanttoyou,thatmightbeallthatyouneedtodo.

Other people may find the habit of chronic worry more persistent andentrenchedintheir livesandwillbenefitfromusingmorespecificandtailored

techniques.You’llfindthoseinthenextchapter.

ThinkingItOverInthischapter,we’velookedatabasictoolyoucanusetoshiftyourrelationshipwithchronicworryinahelpfuldirection.Youtriedanexperimentofrepeatingworrisome thoughts to evaluate what happens if you make room for thethoughts, rather thanresist them.Andwelookedatwaysyoucanhumorthesethoughts, thesamewayyoumighthumorUncleArgument. Inchapter9,we’lllook at more active ways you can respond to particularly persistent andunpleasantthoughts.

Chapter9

AHA!ThreeStepsforHandlingChronicWorryHere’syourproverbialAHA!momentindealingwithworry.Thisisanacronymyoucanusetohelpyourememberacoupleofstepstotakewhenyou’rebeingbotheredbyworrisomethoughts.

Acknowledgeandaccept.

Humortheworrisomethoughts,asyouwouldhumorUncleArgument.

Activity—resume doing things that are important to you in your“externalworld”(andtaketheworrieswithyouifnecessary).

Here’sadetailedexplanationforeachstepofAHA!

AcknowledgeandAccept

What’stoacknowledgehere?Thatyou’rehavingaworrisomethought,onceagain! Itmight be annoying to find it back in your head.Youmightwant torefuse to acknowledge its appearance because it seems so unreasonable that,once again, this thought is occurring to you. It offers nothing of value, andyou’vedismisseditsomanytimesbefore,yethereitisagain,servingnousefulpurpose,botheringyoulikeaspame-mailthatshowsupinyourmailboxeveryhour. Or maybe, even though you’ve had lots of experiences with theseworrisomethoughtsandhaveneverbeenharmedbythem,youstillrespondwithfearbecauseyouwonder,Whatif thisis thetimethatsomethinghappens?andyougettrickedbythatthoughtintotakingthecontentseriously.Youwishyoucouldbeperfectlysure that the thought isfalse,forall time,butofcourseyoucan’thavethatcertainty.

So, okay—you can simply acknowledge that you’re having anotheroccurrenceof aworrisome thought.Maybeyou recognized itby the“what if”introduction, ormaybeyoudidn’t catchonuntil you considered the content itwasofferingyou,butokay.Youhaveabrain,soyouhavethoughts.Noneedtotrytoignoreit,orpretendit’snotthere.There’snothingwrongwithignoringit,really—butiftheeffortyoumaketoignorethethoughtkeepsbringingitbacktoyour attention, then trying to ignore the thought isn’t helping. Here you are,

having anotheroneof themany,many thoughtsyouwill have today, and thisonehappenstobealoser.

Whomdoyouacknowledge it to?Usually justyourself.This isan internalprocess in which you briefly notice the presence of the worrisome thoughts,acknowledge themwithout resistanceor suppression, andmoveon to thenextthing.Sometimesyoumighthavereasonstomentiontheworrisomethoughtstoothers,andwe’lltakealookatthatinchapter12.

What’stoaccept?Thefactthatyou’rehavingathoughtyoudon’tlike!Youmay or may not agree with the content of the thought. You may find itreasonableoryoumightfinditrepulsive.Itdoesn’treallymatter!Youdon’tgettopick and choosewhich thoughtsyou’ll have andwhich thoughtsyouwon’thave—nobodydoes!There’snoneedtotrytocontradictthethought,todisproveit, to make it go away, or to reassure yourself. There probably won’t be anybenefitifyoudo.

Noone expects you to control your thoughts.You’re accountable for youractions,andyou’llbejudgedbyyouractions.Notbythoughts!Youcanhaveaworrisomethought,sameasyoucanhaveanangrythought,ajealousthought,asexy thought, awacky thought, akind thought, anunkind thought, a shamefulthought,acompassionatethought,amurderousthought,orwhatever.Tosaythatworriesareadimeadozenwouldbetogreatlyexaggeratetheirvalue.

So,okay—youcanallowyourselftohavewhateverthoughtshappentocometomind, same as you’ll allow yourself to havewhatever noises your stomachmightmake,sameasyou’llallowyourselftohavewhateverreactionsyoumighthave to an unpleasant odor. If someone else hears your stomach grumble andyoufeelembarrassed,youcangoaheadandsay“excuseme” ifyouwish.Noonecanhearyourthought,sothere’snooccasionforapology;youdon’tcontrolyourthoughts,sothere’snoneedforjudgment.Hereyouare,havingathoughtthat you wouldn’t choose to have, if you could make the choice.Which youcan’t.

Recentlyaclient,who tends tobea littleperfectionisticanddemandingofherself,askedme,“ButwhatcanIsaytomyselfwhenInoticeI’mhavingoneofthesethoughtsagain?”Isuggested,“Ohwell.”Shehadthoughtsomethingmorecomplicated,more powerful and cleansingwould be necessary.Nope! This isnot,asthesayinggoes,rocketscience.Youdon’tcontrolyourthoughts,nordoyour thoughts control you. When it comes to automatic thoughts like these,you’remorelikethereaderofabookthanyouareliketheauthor,sononeedtoengageinapridefulstruggletocontrolyourthoughts.Youdon’tgettopickthe

thoughts you have or exclude the thoughts you think should be excluded.Ohwell!WhenIgettodesigntheworld,there’llbesomechangesmade!

This first step—acknowledge and accept—is probably the most importantandpowerful of the three. I describe it as simply as possible, but that doesn’tmeanit’seasy.Somepeoplemaybeabletosimplyacknowledgeandaccepttheunwantedthoughtsandmoveontotheactivitystepwithouttheuseofanyothertechniques or responses. That’s great! If that works for you, just move onwithoutspendinganytimeonthisstep.

That tends tobe the exception, though.Most people find that the thoughtsarealittle“stickier”thanthat,thattheycan’tmoveonsoquicklybecausetheyfind that they’re still arguing with Uncle Argument, still wishing the thoughtwould cease and desist.Cultivating an accepting attitude toward thoughts youdetestandfearisusuallyalong,gradualprocess,ataskweworkonallourlivesratherthanaspecificgoalweattainquicklyandcompletely.It’ssomethingthatyoupracticeandacquireovertime,notsomethingthatyousimply“do.”

ItremindsmeofthesloganontheboxoftheOthelloboardgame.Othelloisa deceptively simple gamewith pieces like checkers, with a black side and awhite side.Youwin by outflanking your opponent’s pieces and flipping themovertoyourcolor.Soundssimple,butthegameisactuallyquitecomplex,andthesloganis“aminutetolearn,alifetimetomaster.”

Ifyoubecamedehydrated,perhapsbecauseyouplayedtoomuchtennisonahot,sunnydaywithoutadequateliquids,youcoulddrinkmorewaterandsolvethe problem. If you were severely dehydrated, you might require intravenousfluids.That’sallitwouldtake—resupplyyourfluidsandtheproblemisfixed.

Trainingyourself tohandleyourworrisome thoughtsdifferently isnot liketheproblemofresupplyingyourwater.It’smoreliketheprocessofexercisingtogetyourselfbackintoshape,orofdietingandlosingweight.Youwillneedtolearn,practice,andcontinuallyfollowsomestepsinordertoimproveandgettheresultsyouseek.

What’smostimportantaboutdietingisacquiring,andfollowing,thehabitofeating a healthy menu each day and getting regular exercise. That’s moreimportant thanwhatever you happen toweigh today, because if you continuewith your good habits, your weight and physical condition will generally fallinto line. In the sameway,what’smost important here is acquiring a regularhabit of how you respond to worrisome thoughts, not how many worrisomethoughts you have today. What’s really important is moving in the rightdirection.It’smuchlessimportanthowfastyougo,orhowgracefully.

Inordertofigureoutsomegoodwaystorespondtoaworry,firstclarifythekindofsituationyouconfrontnow.Youcando thisbyusing the two-part testfromchapter2,whichasks:

Isthereaproblemthatexistsnowintheexternalworldaroundyou?

Ifthereis,canyoudosomethingtochangeitnow?

If youget anythingother than two“yes” answers—two“no” answers, one“no” and one “yes,”maybes, orwhatever—then you don’t have a problem inyour external world that you can solve right now. You have the problem ofworrying.You’rebeing“baited”byUncleArgument.

The experience of getting baited and bothered by worrisome thoughts issimilartowhatyouseeifyouholdupasmallmirrortoanaquariumcontainingaSiamese fighting fish.These fisharekeptalonebecause themales fight to thedeathifthey’rehousedtogether.WhenIwasakid,wewouldholdupamirrorandwatch the fearsome display this fishwould put onwhen he saw himself.Thinkingtheimagewasanotherfish,ourfishwouldprepareforcombat,turninga bright red with gills out, fins waving, mouth opening wide, and so on. Ofcourse,therewasn’tanyotherfishtofight,andafterawhilethefishwouldcalmdown;butforafewminuteshe’dgetreallyriledup,thesamewayyoumightifbotheredbyaworrisome thought.The reaction is real.The threat isnot. It’safakefish!

When thishappens,keep twopoints inmind. Itmighthelp toput theseonyourelectronicdeviceora3by5carduntilyougetinthehabitofremembering.

Whatyouhaveistheemotionoffeelingnervous.

It’sokaytofeelnervous.Youprobablyreally,reallydisliketheemotion,butit’sliketheexperienceofsittinginanuncomfortablywarmroom,notlikecamping ina forest fire. It’sdiscomfort,notdanger.Youmightbesittinginanuncomfortablywarmroomandreadingaboutaforestfire,orwatching a movie about a forest fire, but it’s still just discomfort, nomatterhowrealisticthefilmisorhowvividthedescription.

Theproblemyoufaceisnottheproblemdescribedinthecatastropheclauseof your worry. The problem you face is the discomfort you experience inresponse to the worrisome thought, and your natural inclination to take thatthought seriously and resist it. When you resist the thought with your usual

selection of anti-worry responses, this iswhen you once again experience thedifficultyofTheharderItry,theworseitgets.

That’sthefirststep,acknowledgeandaccept.IfyoufindthatyoufrequentlytakethebaitandgetcaughtupinarguingwithUncleArgument,thenthissecondstepwillbeprobablybehelpful.

HumortheWorrisomeThoughts

Havingacknowledged the temporarypresenceof the thought,andacceptedits presence as best you can, youmight now find it helpful to respond to theworrisomethoughtinaplayful,counterintuitivestyle.

So do something very different. Employ the Rule of Opposites. Here aresome ways you can respond, in a playful or silly manner, to the problem ofgetting“hooked”byUncleArgument’seffortstogetyouembroiled.

Singaworrysong.Youcanmakeasongofyourworry.Ihavesomeexamplesofthisonmywebsite,songsaboutpanicattacks,sunginmyowndreadfulvoice.Pickacatchytunethat’seasytosingto,andcreateyourownworrisomelyricsaboutthedisastersthatarewaitingforyouaroundeverycorner.

Here,forinstance,isthefirstverseofoneofmysongsaboutpanicattacks.It’ssungtothetuneof“CamptownRaces”:

I’llgocrazy,thenI’lldieDoodah,doodahPanicgonnagetmebyandbyOh,doodahdayMakemyheadfeellightMakemyheartracealldayRunstarknakedthroughshoppingmallsDoodah,doodahday

Writeahaiku.Ifyoudon’tfeellikesinging,youcanwriteahaiku.HaikuisatraditionalJapanesepoetryform.There’salottolearnabouthaiku,butforourpurposeswe’lljustfocusononesimplisticaspectofit.

It’s a three-linepoem,without rhymes.The first line is five syllables.The

secondisseven.Thethirdisfive.Yousimplywriteathree-lineunrhymedpoemofyourworriesthatfitsthisformat.

Let’ssupposeyouhaveabothersomethoughtandrecognizeitforwhatitis,but still can’t simplydismiss it.You’ve tried to reasonyourwayoutof it andyou’ve tried to distract yourself. Your usual ways of interrupting the thoughtdon’tseemtobeworkingforyou.You’restilltryingtofightthefakefish!Thiswouldbeagoodtimetohaiku.

HerearesomehaikusI’vereceived.Ifeeldizzynow.I’llprobablygoinsane.Pleasewatermyplants.I’montheplanenow.Theywillseemeshakeandcry.Pleasepassthebarfbags.Ifhaikuisalittletooexoticforyou,howaboutalimerick?

Writealimerick.Alimerickisafive-linepoemthatyouprobablyfirstencounteredwhenyouwereachild.Thefirst,second,andfifthlinesrhymewitheachotherandhavethesamenumberofsyllables(usuallyeightornine).Thethirdandfourthlinesrhymewitheachotherandhavethesamenumberofsyllables(usuallyfiveorsix).Thisstructuresoundscomplicated,butit’seasierthanitsounds!Anditgivesalimerickitscharacteristicrhythm.Limericksoftenstartwiththeline“Thereoncewasa…”or“Therewasa…”

Here’sasamplelimerick.AwomanfromnearCincinnatiThought,WhatifIturnoutrealbatty?It’llruinmybrainThey’lldeclaremeinsaneAndmyfriendswillallbesocatty

Worryinyoursecondlanguage.Areyoubilingual?Evenifyoujusthavehighschooltraininginasecondlanguage,thatmightbeenoughtoenableyoutodoyourworryinginyoursecondlanguage.

Or, if youdon’t knowa second language at all, you canusepig latin.PiglatinisjustasimplewaytotransformEnglishwordsintosomethingthatsoundsquitedifferent.Parentsuseit totalkinfrontoftheirchildrenabouttopicstheywanttokeepsecret.

Therearetworulestobasicpiglatin.Forwordsstartingwithconsonants(orconsonant clusters), move the consonant to the end of the word, followed by“ay.”Forwordsstartingwithvowels, simplyadd“ay” to theendof theword.There are a few other rules for special cases, and you can find those on theInternetifyouwant.So,forinstance:

WhatifIfreakout?atWhayifyayIyayeakfrayoutyay?

WhatifIleftthestoveon?atWhayifyayIyayeftlayethayovestayonyay?

Aswith haiku and limericks,we’re not changing the content of theworrythoughtshere.We’rejustchangingtheformat,andthatcanreallychangeyourresponsetotheworry.Whenyoutrytorememberhowyoumightsay“choketodeath”inGerman,itoftenproducesaverydifferentresult!

Worryinafakeforeignaccent.Yes,it’ssilly,butwhynot?Sillycanhelpyoukeepagoodperspectiveontheworry.Noneedtogivetheworrycontentmorerespectthanitdeserves.

Listyourworries.Makealistofyourchronicworries.Startwithabasiclistoftheonesthatfrequentlyoccurtoyou,andaddtoitovertimeasyounoticenewones.Onceyouhavethebasiclist,youcangetintothehabit,eachtimeyounoticeaworry,ofquicklycheckingtoseeifit’sonyourlist.Ifit’snot,addit.Onceyouseeitonyourlist,goonaboutyourbusiness,secureintheknowledgethatyouhaverecordedthisworryandcanreturntoitatanytime.Youdon’thavetokeepthinkingaboutitrightnow,becauseit’srecordedonyourlist.

This list will be useful when you work with the exercise I’ll discuss inchapter10.

Recordyourworries.Youcanmakeaudiorecordingsofyourworries,onyoursmartphoneorotherdigitaldevice.Theideahereistomimictheprocessthatoccursinyourheadasyouworry.Thisusuallyinvolvesalotofrepetitionofacoupleofsimple“whatif”thoughts.

Thereareseveralwaystodothis.Oneistomakeashortrecording,perhapsthirtytosixtyseconds,ofasingle“whatif”worry.Sayitseveraltimes,asmanyaswillfitintheshortrecording.Youcanthensetasidetimesduringtheday—ten-minuteperiods—whenyoucansetthedevicetocontinuallyplayandreplaythe recordedworry. The effect is similar towhat youwould get if you couldeavesdroponsomeone’sthoughtswhiletheywereengagedinworry.

People are often concerned that if they do this, the worry will somehowbecomemorecompelling,andtheywillbeunabletostop.However,thinkbackto theexperimentwith the twenty-five repetitions inchapter8—hopefullyyoudidthatexperiment—andbeguidedbytheresultsyougotwithit.Whenpeopledothatexperiment,theyalmostalwaysfindtheworrylosesitsemotionalpunchandholdontheirattentionastheydomorerepetitions.

Anotherwaytouserecordingsistorecordalongerworrysession,onethat’smore likeanargumentwithUncleArgument, inwhichyougobackand forthwiththeworry,tryingtodisproveit,tosilenceit,tocalmit,andsoon.Playbothpartsoftheargument—UncleArgumentashetriestogetyourgoat,andyouasyou try tocalmandreassureyourself.Youmightwant tomakearecordingofthirtyminuteswiththisapproach,andsetasidetimetolistentoitregularly.

DOYOUWORRYABOUTPLAYINGWITHWORRIES?

Thesesuggestionsareprobablyverydifferentfromwhatyou’vebeentrying.They involve accepting and playingwith yourworrisome thoughts rather thanresistingandtakingthemseriously.

Whatreactionsdoyouhavetotheideaofhumoringyourchronicworry?Peopleareoftennervousatfirstabouthumoringtheirworrisomethoughts.It

seems risky to them, like they’re tempting fate.Theymayhavecertainbeliefsabout worry that suggest the worry needs to be treated very seriously, andcarefully,as ifchronicworrywere itselfdangerous.I’ll takea lookatsomeofthesebeliefsinchapter11.

If you prefer to treat theseworriesmore formally, you can use theWorryJournal that’s available on the New Harbinger website(http://www.newharbinger.com/33186). It’ssimplyaquestionnaireyoucanusewhile you are caught up in the worries. Take a little time to observe yourworries,andanswerthequestionslistedintheJournal.Thiswilltrainyoutobeabetter observer of your worrisome thoughts and will help you detach fromarguing and resisting. If a bull simply observedwith interest the antics of thebullfighterwiththeredcape,therewouldn’tbeanygorybullfights!

The Worry Journal can be quite helpful. However, I encourage you toexperimentwiththemorehumorous,playfulresponsesaswell,becauseIthinktheywillbringyougreaterrewardsoverthelongrun.

Whenareyoudonewiththissecondstep?Don’tkeeprepeatedlyhumoringthe worry, again and again, waiting for it to go away. That’s too much likearguingwithUncleArgument!Instead,takeahumoringstancewiththethoughtsandthenmoveontothethirdstep,allowingthemtofollowyouasyougetbackintotheexternalworld,ifthat’swhattheydo.

Activity—ResumeDoingThingsThatAreImportanttoYou(andTaketheWorrieswithYouIfNecessary)

Ifyou’veeverhadaneyeexam,you’reprobablyfamiliarwiththepartwherethedoctorswitches throughpairsof lenses,askingyou“Betterhere…orbetterhere?”whileyoutrytodecidewhichlensgivesyoubettervision.

You face a similar choicewhen you’re caught up inworry. The choice isthis: “Better here (in your internal world of worry)…or better here (in yourexternalworld)?”

It’sgenerallymuchmorehelpful toget involved in theexternalworld. It’sbetter to engage in activities that are usually important or fun for you, whileyou’reworriedanduncomfortable, thanit is tospendmuchtimeinyourhead,trying to get rid of the thoughts. The reason external involvement is a betterchoiceisnotbecauseyouwillfeelbetterrightaway;youmightnot.Butitwillleadtoabetteroutcomeandabetterpatternforthefuture.

WhenItakeagroupoffearfulfliersonaflight, thereareoftenoneortwopeoplewhohaveaterriblyhardtimeboardingtheplane.Theystandinthegate,tryingsohardtogetmorecomfortablewiththeideaofboarding,buttheycan’tfindthecomforttheywant,andsotheyfeelstuck.

If theymake theirchoiceon thebasisofwanting to feelbetter rightaway,theywalk away and go home.They do feel better immediately, but it doesn’tlast.By the time they get to the parking lot they start feeling regret, and theyhaveaprettymiserablerestoftheday.Ontheotherhand,iftheydecideonthebasisofhowtheywanttofeel,notrightthenbutthatnight,thentheygetontheplane, feeling afraid in themoment, because they know they’ll feel real goodwhentheyreturnhomewiththataccomplishmentbehindthem.

Youfaceasimilarchoicewithworry.It’stemptingtofigurethatyoushoulddo a little more thinking about the thoughts, to try again to review them or

reasonwith them in aneffort to feelbetter rightnow,but that’s a shell game.Youwon’twinthatgamebecauseit’sriggedagainstyou.It’sforsuckers!TheRuleofOppositessuggests,well,theopposite.Let’sgodosomethingelsewhilegivingtheworrytimetodecline.

This is not the same as trying to make yourself so busy that you stopworrying. That’s just another version of “stop thinking that” and just asunhelpfulinthelongrun.

TakeYourWorriesforaWalkIfyouhavedogs,yougenerallyneedtotakethosedogsforawalk,unlessyouhave room to let them run. Therewill be timeswhen you don’t feel like it—whenit’scoldandsnowyoutside,whenyou’retoobusywritingabook,orwhenyouhaveaheadache,andyoujustdon’tfeel likedoingit.But ifyoudon’t letthosedogspoopandpeeoutdoors,prettysoonthey’lldoitindoors.Thatwon’tdomuchforyourheadacheoryourbook!Andthenwhenyoutakethosedogsfor awalk, they don’t always dowhat youwant. Sometimes they race ahead,tryingtopullyoualong.Sometimestheylagbehind,andyouhavetomakethemfollow.Sometimestheytrytoeatstufftheyshouldn’t,orbarkatyourneighbors.

Thosedogsarealotlikeyourworrisomethoughts.Sometimestheydemandattentionwhenyoureallydon’tfeellikegivingit,andsometimestheyjustdon’tdo things thewayyouwish theywould.But life is betterwith thewalks thanwithoutthem!

You’veprobablynoticedthatyoutendtoworrylesswhenyou’rebusyandmorewhenyou’reidle.Episodesofchronicworryoftenfadefasterwhenyou’reactive. So it will be useful to return your attention and energy back toinvolvementwiththeexternalworldaroundyou.Bythis,Idon’tmeantosimplymakeyourselfbusy.That’stoomuchliketryingtogetridofthethoughts.Notthatthere’sanythingterriblywrongwiththat,gettingridofthethoughts,ifitcanbe done simply and effectively. It’s just that trying directly to get rid of thethoughtsusuallymakesthemmorepersistentandplentiful.

Soitiswithworries.Itmightseemliketherewouldbeabettertimetogotoa dinner party, but life is a come-as-you-are party, and if you’re worried thenightof theparty, thenpackupyourworriesandbring themwithyou.Wouldyou be happier without the worries? Yes, but that choice isn’t immediatelyavailable. Would you be better off lying in bed, alone with your worries?Probablynot!

Goonaboutyourbusiness—theworriesmayleavesoonerthatway.Iftheydon’t,atleastyou’reparticipatinginlifewhileyouwaitforthemtopass.

Peopleoftenobjecttotheideaofgettinginvolvedwithaprojectofanykind,onthegroundsthattheywillbeabletodoabetterjobwhenthey’renotworriedsomuch.Similarly, theyoftenwant to isolate themselvesfromothers,outofaconcernthatotherswillnoticetheirdistressandbebotheredbyit.

Bothareinstancesofhowourgutinstinctsofhowtohandleworrytendtobetheoppositeofwhatwouldactuallybehelpful.Bothsuggestthatweneed,first,togetridoftheworrisomethoughtswe’reexperiencing,andthen,afterwards,togetinvolvedwithactivitiesoutsideourskin.

It’smoreoftentheotherwayaround.Yourinvolvementwithyourexternalworldwilltendtodirectyourenergyandattentionthere—andleavelessofit“inyourhead.”Moreover,whenyouinteractwiththeexternalworld,yougetmoreinvolvedwith realistic rulesof thumb.Whenyou’re inyourhead,bycontrast,you can imagine anything. This is why anticipatory worry is almost alwaysworsethananythingthatactuallyhappensinreallife—therearenorulesinyourhead,anythingseemspossible!Intheexternalworld,therulesofrealityapply.

ThinkingItOverInthischapter,welookedatanacronymyoucanusetoguideyourresponsestochronicworrywheneveritcropsup.TheacronymisAHA!

Acknowledgeandaccept.

Humortheworrisomethoughts,asyouwouldhumorUncleArgument.

Activity—resume doing things that are important to you in your“externalworld”(andtaketheworrieswithyouifnecessary).

You’ve noticed the worrisome thoughts, and acknowledged them. You’vesidestepped the instinct to oppose them and instead cultivated an acceptingattitudetowardthetemporaryconditionofbeingworried.

You’ve responded to the thoughts in some playful ways, perhaps using asongorapoemtoplaywiththecontent,ratherthantakingitseriously.

You’ve gotten back into the external world, and some activity that’smeaningful to you. And you allowed theworries to accompany you, if that’s

whattheydo.Treating your worries in this manner—how does it compare to what you

usuallydo?Ifit’stheoppositeofwhatyouusuallydo,thengood!You’reontrackwith

theRuleofOpposites.Inchapter10,we’llconsidersomeregularstepsyoucanbuildintoyourdaily

routinetoreducetheamountofchronicworryyouexperiencegoingforward.

Chapter10

YourDailyWorryWorkout

This chapter introduces three dailymaintenance tasks you can use to reduceyourdailydoseofworryandrendertheworrylessdisruptiveovertime.Thefirstoneinvolvesregularexposuretoworrisomethoughts.Thesecondisabreathingexercise,andthethirdisamindfulnessmeditation.

Usetheseasyouwoulduseadailyvitamin.They’renotantibiotics,orsomeother medication you take to relieve a specific ailment or symptom. They’resomethingyoudoon a regular basis, not to achieve some immediate, specificgoal,butfortheiroverallcontributiontoyourhealthandwellness.

Ifyoutriedtheexperimentinchapter8,youprobablydiscoveredthatwhenyou deliberately turned your attention to chronic worry, without resistance ordistraction,yourworry lostsomeof itsemotional impact.Myclientsgenerallyreport that theygetmore relief fromdeliberateworry than they ever did fromthoughtstopping.

They’re usually surprised by that, because it’s so—you guessed it—counterintuitive. They thought they’d get more relief from efforts to stopworrying than they would from deliberate worry. But it turns out that theopposite is usually true. You’ll probably find yourself encountering thisrealizationtimeandagain,asyouworkwith thepatternofchronicworry.TheRuleofOppositesisoneofthebestguidesyouhave!

Chapter9offeredavarietyofquickwaystorespond,onthefly,whenyoufindyourselfengagedinunwantedchronicworry.TheyallincorporatedtheRuleofOpposites,andsomeofthemmighthaveseemedsilly.Thisisn’tbecauseI’msilly, or because I think you’re silly. It’s because so much of the content ofchronic worry is silly, andwhen you take that content at face value, you getfooledintofightingworryinwaysthatmakeitworseratherthanbetter.Thoseresponsesareallgoodwaysaroundthisproblem.Ihopeyou’vesampledthem,andpickedacouplethatyoucanusewhentheneedarises.

RespondingtoIntermittentWorryLet’s suppose you’re the manager of a medium-sized department at your

workplace.Youhaveyourownworktodo,andyouhavetosupervisetheworkofagroupofemployeesaswell.You’vetriedseveraldifferentwaystofindtherightbalancebetweencommunicatingwithyourstaffandgettingyourownworkdone.

Youtriedleavingyourdooropenallthetime,sothatstaffcoulddropintoseeyouwhenever theywant.Thisencouraged them tostay in touchwithyou,andtoadviseyouofsituationsthatneededyourattention,butitalsoencourageda steady stream of staffers dropping by to chat, complain, and score browniepointswithyou,preventingyoufromgettingyourownworkdone.

Then you tried keeping your door closed, to discourage all but the mostdetermined of staffers. However, this led staffers to increasingly hang aroundoutsideyouroffice,sittingaroundidly,andmakingnoise,whilehopingtohaveachancetocatchyoureye.Thebolderoneswouldevenknockonyourdoor,orslipnotesunderneathit.Everyone’sproductivity,yoursandtheirs,sufferedasaresult.

In that case, you might try a third method—setting a schedule for whenstafferscandropinandseeyou,andalsoforwhentheyshouldleaveyoualoneunlesstheysmellsmoke.Youmightkeepyourdoorclosedformuchoftheday,soyou coulddoyourwork, andhave it open at scheduled times eachday, soyourstaffcouldseeyouwhentheyneedto.That’sthemethodIwanttosuggestto you for establishing a better relationship with chronic worry—scheduleregularappointmentsforit.

You’dprobablypreferbeingcompletelyfreeofworry,butyoualsoprobablyknow by now that avoiding and opposing just gives it more energy. Worryappointmentsaremorelikelytohelpyou.They’redesignedforthosepersistent,unwelcomeworrieswhicharenotofanyusetoyou—chronic“whatif”worries,which don’t point out problemsyouneed to solve, but simply nag andbotheryou.Theybuildonafeatureofworrythatyouprobablynoticedwhenyoudidthe experiment in chapter 8—turning yourself over to worrisome thoughtswithoutresistanceusuallyrelievesthemoftheirpower.

SetUpAppointmentsforWorrying

Thisistimeyousetasideexclusivelyforworry.Thisideamayseemstrangeto you, because it runs counter to our usual instincts. But that’s often how itseemswhenyou“fightfirewithfire.”

“Fight firewith fire” isn’t justametaphor. It’sa techniqueused tocontrol

forest fires. It involves deliberately burning all the flammable material thatwould otherwise fuel the fire in its spread.When the forest fire arrives at theburned-outpart,itfaltersbecauseithasnofuellefttokeepitburning.

Resistanceisthefuelbywhichchronicworryspreads.During a worry appointment, which will last about ten minutes, you’ll

engageinpureworry.Devoteyourfullattentiontoworrying,andnothingelse.Don’t engage in other activities, like driving, showering, eating, cleaning,texting, listening to music, riding on a train, and so on. Spend the full tenminutesworryingaboutwhateveritemsyouusuallyworryabout.Makealistofyourworriesaheadoftime,soyouhaveanagenda,orusethelistyoudevelopedin chapter 9. And don’t try to solve problems, reassure yourself, minimizeproblems,relax,clearyourmind,reasonwithyourself,ortakeanyotherstepstostopworrying.Simplyworry,whichmeansreciting,repeatedly,lotsof“whatif”questionsaboutunpleasantpossibilities.

Thiswill probably seem strange and awkward at first.However, if you’rereadingthisbook,you’lllikelyhavelotsofexperiencewithworrying.Here’sachancetousethatexperienceforyourbenefit!

Schedule these times in advance, two a day, and write them into yourschedule.Picktimeswhenyouhaveprivacyanddon’thavetoanswerthephoneor the doorbell, talk to others, look after the dog or the kids, and so on. It’susuallybesttoavoidthefollowingtimes:firstthinginthemorningonwaking,lastthingatnight,orrightaftermeals.

WATCHINGYOURSELFWORRY

Onemoredetail:worryoutloud,infrontofamirror.This is perhaps the most peculiar part, I know, but don’t skip it. It’s

important!Theadvantageofdoingtheworryingthiswayisthatithelpsyoubeabetter

observer of your worry. Most worry is subliminal. It occurs when we’remultitasking. We worry while driving, attending lectures, showering, eating,watching television, or doing some routine work that doesn’t demand muchattention.And sincewe rarely giveworry our full attention, it’s easy for it tocontinueendlessly.

Because worry comes in the form of our own subliminal thoughts, it hasmorepowerto influenceus.Andweall tendtoassumethatIf it’smythought,theremustbesomethingtoit.Wetendnottonoticethatwecanthinkallkindsofnonsense,thatthoughtsareoftenonlyanxietysymptoms,nothingmore.

When youworry out loud, you don’t just say theworries, you hear them.When you worry in front of a mirror, you see yourself doing the worrying.You’re not just worrying in the back of your mind. You’re hearing, andwatching,yourselfasyouworry.Theworryisnolongersubliminal,andthiswillprobablyhelpyougetabetterperspectiveonit.

Worry appointments are deliberately structured this way to convert worryfromamultitaskingactivitytoaunitaryone,inwhichyouonlydoonething—worry—andyoudoitwiththefullestawarenessandattentionpossible.

WHYWOULDANYONEDOTHIS?

Watchingyourselfworrysounds,on thesurface, likeabizarre,unwelcomeexercise.You’dneedaprettygoodreasontodoworryappointments.

Andthereisone!There’susuallyabenefitthatcomesduringtherestoftheday, when you’re not engaged in a worry appointment. If you find yourselfworrying when you’re off “worry duty,” you can give yourself the followingchoice:Youcaneither

a)taketenminutesnowtoworryverydeliberatelyaboutthisissue,or

b)postponeittoyournextworryappointment.

Thepayoff.Theimmediatebenefitistheabilitytopostponeworry.Manyofmyclientsfindthatthisenablesthemtosweeplargeportionsoftheirdayrelativelyclearofworry.However,itonlyworksifyouactuallydotheworryperiodsasprescribed.Ifyoutrytopostponeworries,knowingthatyouprobablywon’tactuallyshowupfortheworryappointments,thepostponingprobablywon’tworkforyou.Sodon’ttrytofoolyourself!

The postponing alone, the reduction inworry during the rest of your day,would probably be sufficient reason by itself to justify doing worryappointments.Butthere’smore!Theregularuseofworryappointmentswillalsobeabighelpinchangingyourautomaticresponsestochronicworry,andhelpyoutakethecontentoftheworrisomethoughtslessseriously.

Takingactionaboutworryisusuallymuchmorehelpfulthanthinkingaboutit, reasoning with it, or trying to change the thoughts “in your head.”Worryappointments are a good example of this.How about trying it now?Take tenminutesanddotheexerciseasIdescribeitabove,andthencomebacktofinishthischapter.Or,ifthisisn’taconvenienttimeforaworryappointment,maybe

mark this page in the book, do aworry appointment at a convenient time andlocationlatertoday,andthenreturntothispage.Iencourageyoutotryit.Doingisbetterthanthinking!

CommonReactionstoWorryAppointments

I’veworkedwithalotofclientswhocametoseemeforhelpwithchronicworry,andI’veaskedmostofthemtouseworryappointments.I’veheardalotofcommentsandreactionsfrompeoplewhotriedthem,andit’susuallynotthereactions youmight expect.When I first startedoffering this technique, I halfexpected to get angry feedback that Iwas an idiot and that theyweren’t evercomingback!Butthat’snotatallwhat’shappened.

Perhaps themost common reaction clients have is that they tellme, “Boy,it’sreallyhardtofillthetenminutes!”Thisconfusedmeatfirst,becausethesewerepeoplewhoworriedalot,andtheirdayswereoftenfilledwithworry.Sohowcoulditbehardtofilltenminutes?Iwonderedifitwasjustanexcusetoavoiddoingtheappointments.

However, as I explored this furtherwith clients, here’swhat I discovered.Theywouldstart theworryappointmentandfillaminuteor two,andthennothave any new worries to add. Normally, when they worried in a subliminalmanner, they just kept repeating theworries again and again, and that’swhatenabled them to worry for such long periods of time. They kept repeatingthemselves!

Butwhentheydidaworryappointment,theyassumedtheyneededtohavetenminutesof freshmaterial,without repeating themselves.And theycouldn’tthinkofthatmanyworries!

This points to a very important aspect of chronic worry. Although peopleoftenhave theexperienceofworrying for longperiodsof time throughout theday, there are actually very few new worries surfacing during that time. It’salmost all repetitionof the sameminuteor twoofworrisome thoughts.That’swhatmadeitseemhardtofillthetenminutes!

So,whenyoudoworryappointments,don’tbeconcernedwithhavingnew,freshworrieseachtime.Duringtheworryappointments,dowhatyoudowhenyou’re worrying spontaneously—just keep repeating the same old worries. Ifyouhavetwominutesofworrymaterial,repeatthatfivetimes,andthere’syourtenminutes!

Ifyouprefer,youcanmakeupsomenewones.OrIcanlendyousomeof

mine!Thecontentoftheworriesduringyourworryappointmentisn’tanymoreimportantthanitiswhenyou’reworryingtheold-fashionedway.Theimportantthingissimplytofillthetenminuteswiththeactivityofworrying.

Another reaction I often hear goes like this: “I’m not sure I’m getting thesame quality in my worries,” or “It feels like I’mmissing something when Iworrythisway.”Whenclientstellmethis,Iusuallysaysomethinglike,“Well,dothebestyoucan!”Ofcourse,I’mkiddingwhenIsaythat,andwediscussitfurther.This reaction usually indicates that this personhas somebeliefs aboutworry.Withoutconsciouslythinkingitthrough,thispersonhasdevelopedsomeideasaboutthe“value”ofworry,andtoworrythiswaydoesimplyachallengetothoseideas.

Thesebeliefs include such ideas as It helps to expect theworst andWorryshowsIcare.Apersonwhoharborsthebeliefthatworrysomehowcanhaveabeneficialeffectonthefuturewillnaturallyfeelnervouswhentheyfirststarttoworry less, for fear that they’re not properly taking care of the future byworrying.I’lltakealookatthesebeliefsinchapter11.

Theuseofworryappointmentstakessomecommitment.Isuggestyoutryitseveraltimesinthenextfewdays.IfitseemstoworkforyouthewayIdescribeinthischapter,thenIencourageyoutodoregularappointmentsforthenexttwoweeks. Review it again after two weeks and make a decision then aboutcontinuingordiscontinuing.

I find thatmost peoplewant to discontinue using the appointments a littlesooner than Iwould recommend,but that’sall right. If,asoftenhappens, theyfindthatthechronicworryhabitstartstocreepinagainafterdiscontinuing,theycanalwaysresume,andstaywithitforalongertime.It’sprobablyinconvenientand annoying to do regularworry appointments, and that’swhypeople are sooftenmotivatedtostop,evenwhentheyseethebenefits.Ithinkmostpeoplegeta more permanent long-term improvement by staying with the worryappointmentsformonths,ratherthanweeks.

A good way to commit to this is to keep a brief journal, listing yourscheduled worry appointments and making notes of your reactions to theappointmentafteryoucompleteeachone.

BreathingandWorryBreathing is very often affected by worry and anxiety. We see this mostdramaticallywhenapersonhasapanicattackandfeelslikeheissuffocatingfor

lack of air. He’s not—no one suffocates from panic—but he is experiencinguncomfortable breathing, which tricks him into thinking some catastrophe isabouttooccur.Peoplewithchronicworryoftenexperiencealessdramaticbutverybothersomediscomfortwiththeirbreathingaswell.Thiscanincludesuchsymptoms as feeling lightheaded and dizzy, numbness and tingling in theextremities, difficulty getting a full breath, tension and heaviness, thoughts ofpassingout,andincreasedheartrate.

Thesesymptomsaren’tatalldangerousbutcangrabyourattentioninwaysthatmakeitmoredifficulttorespondtotheworry.Forthisreason,Ioftenfindithelpfulforpeopletolearnagoodbreathingexercise.Thepointofthebreathingexerciseisnottocontrolyourbreathingbuttomakeitsufficientlycomfortablethatyoucanreturnyourfocustowhat’smoreimportant—respondingtochronicworry.

Youmayhavealreadytrieddeepbreathingandnothadmuchsuccess.Thereason for that is that most descriptions of deep breathing are incomplete.You’veprobablybeentold,andyou’veprobablyalsoreaditaswell, thatwhatyouneedtodois“Takeadeepbreath.”Ifyou’relikemostpeople,thatadvicehasn’thelpedyoumuch.It’sgoodadvice,butit’sincomplete.Itdoesn’ttellyouhowtotakeadeepbreath.Agoodbreathingexerciseshouldtellyouhowtotakeadeepbreath,andthat’swhatI’mgoingtodo.Here’sthekey:Whenyoufeellikeyoucan’tcatchyourbreath, it’sbecauseyou forgot todosomething.Youforgottoexhale.

That’sright.Beforeyoucantakeadeepbreath,youhavetogiveoneaway.Why?Because,whenyou’vebeenbreathing in a short, shallowmanner (fromyourchest), ifyou try toquickly switch toadeep inhale, it’sveryhard todo.You’re very likely to simply take a more labored, shallow breath from yourchest.Thatwillgiveyoualltheairyouneed,butitwon’tfeelgood.

Goahead,trythatnowandseewhatImean.Putonehandonyourchest,theother on your belly. Use your hands to notice what muscles you’re using tobreathe.Breatheveryshallowlyfromyourchestafewtimes,thentrytotakeadeepbreath.I thinkyou’llfindthatwhenyouinhale,youcontinuetouseyourchestmusclesratherthanyourdiaphragmorbelly.Deepbreathing,bycontrast,comesfromyourbelly.

When you breathe in this shallowmanner, you get all the air you need tolive, but you can also get other physical symptoms which add to yourdiscomfort.Youmightgetchestpainorheaviness,becauseyou’vetightenedthemusclesofyourchesttoanuncomfortabledegree.Youmightfeellightheadedor

dizzy, because shallow breathing can produce the same sensations ashyperventilation. You might also get a more rapid heartbeat, and maybenumbnessortinglingintheextremitiesaswell.

Allfrombreathingshortandshallow!Breathing is actually a sideshow in dealingwith chronicworry. Themost

important response to chronic worry is to use the techniques in this book todevelopadifferent relationshipwithworry.However,bellybreathingcanhelpinmanaging the physical symptoms of anxietywhile you learn how to relatedifferently toworry. Use it for periodic comfort when you feel the need (butdon’tturnitintoanothermethodofopposingandresistingworry).

BellyBreathingExercise

Placeonehandonyourbeltline,andtheotheronyourchest,rightoverthebreastbone.Youcanuseyourhandsasasimplebiofeedbackdevice.Yourhandswilltellyouwhatpartofyourbody,andwhatmuscles,youareusingtobreathe.

Openyourmouthandgentlysigh,asifsomeonehadjusttoldyousomethingreallyannoying.Asyoudo,letyourshouldersandthemusclesofyourupperbodyrelax,down,withtheexhale.Thepointofthesighisnottocompletelyemptyyourlungs.It’sjusttorelaxthemusclesofyourupperbody.

Closeyourmouthandpauseforafewseconds.

Keepyourmouthclosedandinhaleslowlythroughyournosebypushingyourstomachout.Themovementofyourstomachprecedestheinhalationbyjustthetiniestfractionofasecond,becauseit’sthismotionwhichispullingtheairin.Whenyou’veinhaledasmuchairasyoucancomfortably(withoutthrowingyourupperbodyintoit),juststop.You’refinishedwiththatinhale.

Pause.Howlong?Youdecide.I’mnotgoingtogiveyouaspecificcount,becauseeverybodycountsatadifferentrate,andeverybodyhasdifferentsizelungs.Pausebrieflyforwhatevertimefeelscomfortable.However,beawarethatwhenyoubreathethisway,youaretakinglargerbreathsthanyou’reusedto.Forthisreason,it’snecessarytobreathemoreslowlythanyou’reusedto.Ifyoubreatheatthesamerateyouusewithyoursmall,shallowbreaths,youwillprobablyfeelalittlelightheadedfromoverbreathing,anditmightmakeyouyawn.Neitherisharmful.They’rejustsignalstoslowdown.Followthem!

Openyourmouth.Exhalethroughyourmouthbypullingyourbellyin.

Pause.

Continuetorepeatsteps4to7.

Give it a try now.Go ahead and practice the breathing exercise for a fewminutes.

Let your hands be your guide. They will tell you if you’re doing thiscorrectlyornot.Whereisthemuscularmovementofthebreathing?Youwantittooccuratyourstomach;yourupperbodyshouldberelativelystill.Ifyoufeelmovement in your chest, or notice your head and shouldersmoving upwards,startagainatstep1,andpracticegettingthemotiondowntoyourstomach.

Thismightfeelawkwardanddifficultthefirstfewtimes,becausebreathingin the short, shallow way is such an old habit for people who struggle withanxiety. Don’t let that bother you. It just means you need persistent, patientpractice.Breathingstyleisahabit,andthebestwaytoretrainahabitislotsandlotsofrepetitionofthenewhabit.

Thisisn’treallysomethingnewforyou.Youusedtobreathethiswayallthetime,certainlywhenyouwereaninfantandyoungchild.Infact,ifyouwanttoseesomeworld-classbellybreathers,visitthenewbornsinanymaternityward.They don’t breathewith their chests at all—just their tummies,which expandoutwardwhentheyinhale,andcontractinwardswhentheyexhale.Infantsdon’tdochestbreathing!

HavingTrouble?TipstoHelpLearnBellyBreathing

If you have trouble redirecting your breathing from chest to stomach,practice isolating your stomach muscles first. Interlace your fingersacross your stomach, and practice pushing your stomach out, then in,without breathing. As you get good at that, begin to pair it with yourbreathing.

Useavarietyofpostures.Whenyou’resittingdown,youmayfindthatleaningbackinthechairorleaningforwardwithyourforearmsonyourthighsmakesitalittleeasierthansittingupperfectlystraight.

Lieonyourback.Youcanputaheavybookorotherobjectonyourchesttomakeiteasiertofocusonusingyourstomachmuscles.

Lieonyourfront,withapillowbeneathyourstomach,andpressingyour

stomachagainstthepillow.

Practiceinfrontofafull-lengthmirror,toseewhatyouaredoing.

If you are unable to breathe comfortably through your nose, due toallergiesoranyother reason,useyourmouth instead.Youwillneed toinhaleevenmoreslowlythisway,inordertoavoidgulpingyourair.

You’llknowyou’vemasteredthistechniqueonceyourbreathingfeelsmorerelaxingandsoothing.

BUILDTHEHABIT

How often should you practice deep breathing? As often as possible, insessionsofoneminuteorso,fortwoweeks.

When it’s time topractice, the first thing todo is noticehowyou’vebeenbreathing.Thensigh,andswitchtobellybreathingforaboutoneminute,asyoucontinuedoingwhateveryouweredoingbeforeyoustarted.Don’tinterruptyouractivity.Youwantgoodbreathingtobeportable!

You’ll probably do best if you have a system for reminding yourself topractice.Herearesomesystemsyoumightuse:

Do the deep breathing every hour, at the top of the hour, during yourwakingday.

Useordinary,frequentsoundsoroccurrencesinyourdailylifeassignalstodothebreathing.Forexample,youcandothebreathingeachtime:

thedogbarks

acarhornhonks

aphonerings

someonewalksbyyouroffice

yourchilddropsthesippycup

youreceiveatextortweet

PlacestickersorPost-itnotesthroughoutyourhome,office,orwherever,

toremindyou.

Tieastringaroundyourfinger.

Wearyourwatchontheoppositehand,andpracticeeachtimeyounoticeit.

SetyouriPod,wristwatch,orphonetoringperiodically.

Do this for twoweeks, and you’ll bewell on yourway to changing yourbreathingforthebetter!

HOWMUCHISENOUGH?

Peopleoftenwanttoknowiftheyhavetobreathethiswayallthetime.Theanswerisno.Justfocusonmasteringthetechniquethroughregular,briefpractice.Addit

to your list of automatic responses to worry. Use worry appointments, andmindfulnessmeditation,onadailybasis.Andusethebellybreathingwheneveryou feel the need. Over time, I think you’ll find that you use this kind ofbreathingmore andmore asyoumake it yournewhabit.Butyoucan let thathappennaturallyjustbyfollowingthesuggestionsabove.

IT’SNOTASILVERBULLET!

Somepsychologistsandhealthcareprofessionalsbelieve thatprofessionalssuchasmyselfshouldn’t teachourclientsbellybreathing,becausepeoplemaycometothinkofthebreathingtechniqueasasilverbullet,alifesaver,anduseitthesamewaytheymightuseanyotheranti-worrytechnique.

Theyhaveapoint.Still, I find it useful to show this technique tomost ofmy anxious clients

because they often have a bad breathing technique, one that creates moreanxiousphysicalsymptoms.Thesephysicalsymptomsgiverisetomoreworriesandinterferewithyourabilitytohandletheanxiety.Butkeepthispointinmind:Bellybreathingisbestusedtohelpyouworkwiththeworrywithoutgettingsofocusedonunrealistic fearsofasphyxiationandotherphysicalconcerns.Bellybreathingwillnotprotectyou fromphysical threatsbecause shallowbreathingdoesn’tactuallycausephysicalcalamities.

MindfulnessMeditationPeoplewho aren’t accustomed tomeditation often think it involves a state ofinner peace inwhich themind is silent,without all the intrusive thoughts thatcan interrupt our inner calm. They may occasionally try meditation and feeldiscouragedwhentheydon’tattainthisstateofinnerquietandcalm.

Thisisn’treallywhatmeditationisabout,atleastformostofus.Amonkinamonastery,whodevotes largeamountsofdaily timetomeditation,maywellobtain significant periods of inner peace and quiet. However,most of uswillfindthatintrusivethoughtsinitiallycometotheforewhenwesetouttomeditateandhaveaquietmind.Someditationactuallyconsistsofnoticing,andpassivelyobserving,all thethoughtsthatgetinthewaywhenwesitdowntohaveinnerpeace.

This is particularly the casewithmindfulnessmeditation. It’s a process ofpassivelyobservingthoughtsastheycomeandgowhileyoufocusonsomethingbasic like your breathing. Don’t try to engage in any discussion with yourthoughts,nortrytosilenceorremovetheminanymanner.Simplyobservethem.

Iattendedameditationworkshopyearsagoataconference.Theworkshopwas held in a room adjacent to another workshop led by a speaker with abooming voice. I could hear everything this other speaker said as I tried tofollow the meditation instructions. I focused on my breath, but kept havingthoughtsaboutwhatastupidarrangementthiswas,andthosethoughtsdisruptedmy meditation. I had thoughts about the content of what the other speaker(whomIknewpersonally)wassayingandIgotirritatedwithhim.Igotirritatedwith the leader of my workshop for asking us to meditate in such noisycircumstances, and irritated with the conference sponsors for selecting suchinadequatefacilities.Iprobablylookedpassiveandcontemplative,asIsatthere,eyesclosed,butinsideIhadaragingstormofthoughtsasIstruggledtomeditatewhile my unhappy, complaining thoughts grew louder and more numerous.Havingthoroughlycriticizedtheworkshop,theconference,thesponsors,andthefacility,mythoughtsmovedontocriticizemyself,asking,Whatiswrongwithyouthatyoucan’tjustsithereandrelax?Iwasactuallyentertainingthoughtsofgetting up and walking out when I noticed another thought drift across mymentalhorizon:That’sjustthewayyouare.Thatsimplethoughtallowedmetonotice and acceptmy limitations, and I got back to the task of observingmythoughts.That’smeditation.

Inthissectionisasimplepracticeofmindfulnessmeditationthatcanbeofhelp inchangingyour relationshipwithchronicworry. (Ialsooffera recorded

version on the website for this book: http://www.newharbinger.com/33186.)Some readers may like it well enough that they are motivated to look moredeeply intomeditation, to take some instruction and become further involvedwithmeditationasapartoflife.Thatwouldbegreat!There’salotofvaluetomeditation. For others, this simple starter dose ofmeditationmight be all youneed.

Wanttotryit?Doyouimmediatelyfind,inyourmind,reasonstopostponethis,orto“think

aboutit”beforeyouexperimentwithit?Thisisacommonoccurrence.Youcannoticethatthoughtforwhatitis,athought,withoutbecomingengagedwiththeapparentcontentofthethought.Inotherwords,youcanhavethethoughtaboutwaiting for a better time or opportunity to meditate, and simply do theexperimentnowanyway.Nobodysaysyouhavetodoanexcellentjobofit,orpickthebesttimetodoit.It’sjustanexperiment.

What’s that you say?You reallyhave agood reason towait?You’reon atrain,or sitting in awaiting roomwaiting for adoctor?Youhaveaheadache,andcouldprobablydoabetterjobsomeothertime?You’retoorestless…ortootired…or too hungry? Those are excellent thoughts! You can have thosethoughts, andyoucanalsodo theexperiment. Ifyou’rewilling,goaheadandpractice“yes,and,”ratherthan“yes,but.”

Here’stheexercise:

Sitquietlyandcomfortablysomewhereyoucanberelativelyfreeofinterruptionforfivetotenminutes.

Takeaminuteortwotoslowdown,sitcomfortablyerect,andturnyourattentiontoyourownthoughtsandsensations.Itprobablyhelpstocloseyoureyesifyouwant.

Lightlyfocusyourattentiononyourbreathing.Letyourattentionfollowit,asyouinhaleandexhale.Noticetheflowofairasitpassesthroughyournose,yourthroat,andyourlungs.Noticethesensationofyourbellyasitexpandsandcontracts.Letyourattentionfocusmoreandmorecloselyonthesesensations,asyouwithdrawyourattentionfromthesightsandsoundsoftheroomyouoccupy.Ifyoudon’twanttouseyourbreathasafocus,thesoundofafanorsomethingsimilarwillsuffice.

Youmayexperiencesomebriefmomentsofquiet,andyoucanfocus,lightly,onthatexperience.Soonerorlater,probablysooner,anyinnerquietwillgetinterruptedbyautomaticthoughts.Simplynoticethosethoughts,withoutbecomingstronglyinvolvedinjudgingthem.Simplyallowyourattentiontopassivelyreturntoyourfocuswhenyouareinterruptedordistractedbythoughts.Formostpeople,meditationisnottheachievement

ofinternalquiet.It’snoticingtheinterruptingthoughtsthatcometomindwhenyouseekinternalquiet.

Theinterruptingthoughtsmayclamorforyourattention.Noticetheformstheytaketograbyourattention.Thethoughtsmayembodynotjustworrybutalsojudgments,criticisms,anger,regrets,andmore.

Noticethethoughtsthewayyoumightnoticedropsofrainorsnowfallingontoyourwindshield,brieflyholdingyourattentionuntilthey’resweptawaybythewindshieldwipersandreplacedbymoreraindropsorsnowflakes.Youdon’tneedtobecomedeeplyinvolvedwitheachsnowflaketobecomeawarethatthereisplentyofsnow,andyoudon’tneedtobecomedeeplyinvolvedwitheachthoughttonoticethatthereisplentyofworry,judgment,criticism,andmoreinyourthoughtsastheycomeandgo.Noticetheircomingandgoing.

There,you’vemeditated!What’sthatyousay?Youdon’tfeelanycalmer?That’sokay.Ifyouhadjust

doneyourfirstsetofabdominalcrunches,yourstomachwouldn’tbeanyhardernoweither.However,with time and repetition, youwill probablynotice somegradualchanges.

You’re annoyed at how the thoughts interrupted your effort to feel calm?That’sokay.Remember,meditationisaboutpassivelyobservingthethoughtsastheyriseuptointerruptthequiet.Asyouexperiencereactionsofannoyance,oranurgetoresist,youcannoticethosethoughtsaswell.

You don’t feel like you did anything? That’s okay. This is a briefintroductiontoexperiencingtheabsenceofeffort,andthesimpleobservationofthoughtsasthoughts,ratherthanimportantmessagesorwarnings.It’slikelytofeel like “doingnothing” if you’re in the habit of responding strongly to yourautomaticthoughts.

You fell asleep?Well, that’s a problem. You can’t meditate while you’resleeping.Maybeyouneed to experimentwith adifferent chair, one that’s lessconducivetosleep,orperhapsyoucansitonthefloor,withyourbackagainstthewall.

GetintheHabit

Howaboutgettingsomeregularexperiencewith thisprocess?Onceaday,setasidefivetotenminutesformeditation.Justtakethattimetogothroughthesteps.Youmightfindyourselfhavingthoughtsabouthowwell,orpoorly,you

did theexercise, andyoucannotice those thoughtsasyougo, just likeall theothers. Just show up, go through the steps, and give the habit a chance todevelop.Afteryoubecomemoreaccustomedtothepractice,increaseyourdailytimetotentotwentyminutes.

Ourdaysareoftenfilledwithactivitiesthatwehavetomakehappen,andit’seasytoforgetthattherearealsoactivitiesthatwejustallow tohappen.Peoplewhoexperience chronicworry are likely to think that theyneed to control thethoughts they experience, and make themselves experience the thoughts theywant tohave, rather than theones thatoccur spontaneously. It usuallydoesn’tworksowell.

The chief benefit of adding this technique toyourdaily activities is that itwill help you become a better, andmore dispassionate, observer of your ownthoughts. Over time you will enhance your own ability to observe thoughtswithoutbecomingembroiledinthecontentofthethoughts.

Peoplewho strugglewith chronicworry are sometimes hesitant to samplemeditation because they have thoughts that suggest that maybe they’ll justencounter more unpleasant thoughts, and more struggle with those thoughts,whentheymeditate.Myexperienceisthatpeoplegenerallyfindtheoppositetobetrue.Experiencewithmeditationusuallyleadspeopletobemoretolerantandacceptingofwhateverthoughtstheyhappentoencounter.

It’stheRuleofOpposites!

ThinkingItOverThischapterprescribesthreeactivitiesfordailyusethatcanhelptomoderatetheamountofworryyouexperienceonadailybasis.Thesecanbe thebasis foragood maintenance program for keeping your relationship with chronic worrymoreevenhanded.

Chapter11

TheWorryParasite

Chronicworry functions like aparasite, increasinglygetting thehost—that’syou!—to spend time and energy on producing and maintaining worry, ratherthan pursuing the hopes and dreams you have for your own life.This chapterwilllookathowitdoesthis,andsuggestawayout.

Butfirst,Iwanttotellyouthestoryofaparasiticflatworm,theformalnameforwhichisLeucochloridiumparadoxum.

Yes, I know,my familywasn’tmuch interested in this story either. But Ithink once you’ve read it, you’ll have a better appreciation ofwhat’s at stakehere,andhowtheworrygameisplayed.

HowaParasiteTakesOveraSnailThisparasiticflatwormisamicroscopiccreatureandisoftenfoundlivinginsideambersnails.Itspendsalargeportionofitslifecycleinsidesnails,butwhenitcomestimetoreproduceandmakebabyparasites,itcanonlydothisinsidethebellyofabird,whichisitspreferredenvironment.Thereitcanliveoffthebird’sfoodandhaveasecurehomeinwhichtolayeggs,whichwillgiverisetonewgenerationsofparasites.Theeggsitlaysreturntothegroundinbirddroppings.

Theparasitespendsmuchofitslifecycleinsideasnail,whichcrawlsaroundontheground,underrocksand leaves.Sohow,youmightwonder,does itgetinsidethebellyofabird?

Theamber snail likes toeatbirddroppings.When thesedroppingscontainparasiticeggs,babyflatwormshatchinsidethesnailandbeginanefariousplotofmindcontrol.

The first thing these flatworms do is locate the brain of the snail—and ifyou’veeverhad trouble findingasmall lost itemathome, imaginewhata jobthis is, finding the brain of a snail! But they find the brain, and bring to it asubstance,ahormoneoraneurotransmitter.

Thechemicalthattheflatwormbringstothesnail’sbrainleadsthesnail toact differently than before. The snail no longermoves “at a snail’s pace” butmovesaboutmuchmorerapidly.Allactivitieswhichservethepurposesofthe

parasitearemaximized,andallactivitiesthatonlyservethepurposeofthesnailareeliminatedorgreatlyreduced.Thesnailnolongerseeksoutothersnailswithwhich to mate. If focuses exclusively on moving around rapidly and gettingfood.

Butthat’snotall!Now,undertheinfluenceoftheflatworms,thesnailhasawholenewviewoflife.

Thesnailhastheabilitytochangeitsoutercolor.Normally,thesnailfavorsdull,blandcolors,athousandshadesofbrown,whichblendintoitsenvironmentand hide it from predators. But now the snail “thinks” to itself, I’ve alwayswanted colored eyestalks! Its eyestalks blossom into bright colors. And theflatwormsfindtheirwaytothesnail’seyestalks.Normallythesnailcanretractits eyestalks atwill, but the flatworms engorge and fatten the eyestalks to thepoint where they can’t retract. The flatworms hop around in the brilliantlycoloredeyestalks,makingthempulsateandappeartomove,lookingforalltheworldlikeacaterpillaronthemove.(SearchLeucochloridiumparadoxumontheInternetifyouwanttoseevideos!)

And,underthecontinuinginfluenceoftheflatworms,thesnailnowthinks,I’ve always wanted to sunbathe! So the snail, which heretofore has alwayspreferredtostayindark,shadyplaces,nowclimbstothetopofatreeandbasksinthesun,displayingitsbrilliantlycolored,caterpillar-resemblingeyestalks.

And the next thing you know, the parasites are inside the belly of a bird!Birds generally don’t eat snails, but they’re so attracted by the eyestalks thatlooklikecaterpillarsthattheypluckthemoffforatastymeal,leavingthesnailtogrowanewpair.Thisgoeson for the restof the snail’s life. It’sbecomeazombiesnail,functioningasahostformoreparasites.

Theparasitehasliterallyhijackedtheself-careagendaofthesnail.Thesnailnow acts in ways that further the purposes and interests of the parasiticflatworms,ratherthanthepurposesandinterestsofthesnail.

That’swhat chronicworry does.Chronicworry literally hijacks your ownself-care agenda andmakes it serve themaintenance of chronic worry, ratherthan your plans, dreams, hopes, and aspirations. That’s how insidious this is.Your life becomes more about worry and less about your work, yourrelationships,yourfun,yourintellect—everythingthatmakeslifeworthwhile.

HowWorryTakesOverYourLife

How does this happen? And how can you roll this process back and regaincontrolofhowyouspendyourtimeandenergyinlife?

Youprobablygetasenseofhowyour lifeagendahasbeenhijackedwhenyou recall howmuch time and energy you spend not just worrying, but alsoengagingintheanti-worrytechniqueswelookedatinchapter3.Whatdidyouusedtodowithallthetimeandenergythatnowgetstiedupinworryandanti-worry?Youprobablyactuallydidmorethings,thingsthatwereimportanttoyouinyourroleasparent,spouse,friend,neighbor,employee,andsoon.Youhadinterests,passions,andambitionsthatyouwantedtofollow.Andyouprobablyfollowedthemanddidthingswithalotlessmentalstrugglethanyouexperiencenow.

It’s not that youdidn’tworry at all.You certainly did, because everybodyworries to some extent. But you were probably more likely to go ahead andengageinactivitiesthatwereimportanttoyou.YougavethespeechtothePTAor some other public meeting, even though you were nervous about publicspeaking; you went on vacation to an unfamiliar place, even though you hadworriesaboutgettinglostorfeelingoutofplace;yousoldyourhomeandmovedelsewhere,eventhoughyouhaddoubtsifitwastherightthingtodo;youhadanannualphysical,eventhoughyouwerealittlenervousitwouldfindsomethingbad; you applied for a new job, even though you were nervous aboutinterviewingandweren’tsureifitwastherighttimeforajobchange,andsoon.

TheParasiticEffectsofWorryingWhenyougetcaughtupinchronicworry,itdoesn’tjustdisturbyourpeaceofmind. Chronic worry leads to systematic changes in the way you think andbehave, just as the parasitic flatworm changes the behavior of the snail. Andthese changes don’t further your own values and aspirations; they further themaintenance of the worry, just as the changes in snail behavior favor theparasite’sinterests,ratherthanthesnail’s.

Chronicworry redirectsmuchofyour time,attention,andenergy toworryratherthanlife.Itleadsyoutospendmoreandmoretime“inyourhead,”inyourinternal world, trying to get your thoughts arranged the way you think theyshouldbe,alwaysstrugglingandfussingwithworryratherthangettingoutintoyour externalworld and living, doingwhatever it takes tobe thegoodparent,good friend, good employee, good neighbor, or good whoever you alwayswantedtobe.Itleadsyoutoinvestyourtimeandenergyinworry,andstruggles

withworry,ratherthaninbeingthepersonyouwantedtobeandlivingthelifeyouhopedfor.

ThisInvasionBeganwithCertainBeliefs

How does chronic worry hijack your agenda? The hijacking of the snailstarts when it ingests the parasitic eggs. Your hijacking started when youadoptedanddevelopedcertain typesofbeliefsaboutworry.Over time,maybeall thewayback in early childhood, youdeveloped somebeliefs aboutworry.Theseare typicallybeliefs thatyourarelynoticeor reflectupon,beliefswhichhaveastronginfluenceonhowyouthinkandhowyouact.Muchoftheirpowercomesfromthefact thatyourarelynoticeor reflectupon the thoughts,andsotheyexertapowerfulsubliminalinfluence,muchlikepropaganda.

These beliefs all have an ironic aspect, because they all considerworry tohave value. It probably sounds silly to say that, because doesn’t everyonerecognize thatworry is a useless activity? Isn’t thatwhy peoplewho strugglewith chronic worry want to overcome it, because they realize it’s a uselessdiversionoftheirtimeandenergy?Butit’snotassimpleasthat.Ifyouconsidercloselyhowyoureacttoworry,Ithinkyouwillfindevidencethatwhateveryoumaysayor thinkaboutworrybeingnonsensicalandpointless,youactuallydobehave,someofthetime,asifworryhassomeimportantvalueandpowerallbyitself.

People don’t often talk about these beliefs with others, and often don’tdirectlythinkaboutthebeliefs.Mostpeopledon’trecommendworrytoothers,and you probably don’t either.At first glance,when you look at these beliefsbelow,youmightbe likely todismiss themashavingnothing todowithyou.Butgiveeachonealittleconsideration.

ITHELPSIFIEXPECTTHEWORST.

I’vetalkedwithsomanypeoplewhosubscribetothisidea.Itseemstothemthat, if they expect the worst, they won’t ever be surprised or experience anoverwhelmingfeelingaboutsomesuddenbadevent.Forthem,worryisakindofdressrehearsalforbadeventsthatmighthappeninthefuture.Theyrehearseandstudy their lines, the scene,and their likely reactions, and feeldreadnow,somehow thinking this will protect them from feeling really bad someday, asthoughworrywereavaccineagainstfeelingoverwhelmedinthefuture.

Peoplewhoareinfluencedbythisbeliefdon’tliketofeeloptimistic.They’resuspicious of optimism because they think the universe, or God, will “even

things out” by giving them something bad because they’re feeling optimistic.Thishasasuperstitiousaspect to it,aswhenpeople“knockonwood”becausetheyjustsaidsomethingoptimistic,andtheyhopetopreventthatstatementfrombackfiringonthem.

They may also think that God, or the universe, is likely to give themsomethinggoodwhentheyfeelpessimistic.Theyoftenthinkof“expectingtheworst”asakindofpreparationforbadevents,aformof“payingyourdues.”

QuestionstoConsider

Have you ever felt a little nervous because you voiced an optimisticprediction,orhadanoptimisticthought?

Haveyoueverfeltlikeyoushoulddosomethingto“undo”thatthought,someversionof“knockonwood”?

Haveyoueverexperienceddifficulteventswithoutemotionalupset,likethe death of a parent or the loss of a job, because you did enoughworryingaboutitaheadoftime?

Haveyouexperienceddifficulteventsyoudidnotanticipate?Wereyouable to manage the emotional upset despite your lack of worrypreparation?

Have youworried significantly about events that never occurred? (DidyoujustthinkNotyet,theyhaven’t?)Whatpercentageofthethingsyouworryabouthaveactuallyhappened?

WanttoDoanExperiment?

Try holding some optimistic thoughts to see if the simple act of holdingpositivethoughtsmakesyoualittlenervous.

My kids will be happy and healthy every day this week, without anyproblems.

IknowI’minexcellenthealthandwon’tcontractanydiseases.

Allmyfriendsandrelativeswillbesafefromharmthisweek.

Holdthesethoughtsinmindforacoupleofminutes,andseehowyoufeelabout them. If holding these thoughts makes you a little uncomfortable, it’sprobablybecauseyoudotendtobelieve,atsomelevel,thatIthelpsifIexpecttheworst.

MYWORRYCANINFLUENCEFUTUREEVENTS.

When you’re under the influence of this belief, you tend to act as if thesimpleactofworryingcanchange the future, that itmightpreventbadeventsfromhappening thatwouldhaveotherwisehappened. I’mnot referringhere tosituations in which your thoughts lead you to take action, and those actionsinfluencethefuture.HereImeanthatpeopletreatworryitselfassomethingthatcanaffectthefuture.

This belief canmake worry seem like a double-edged sword. On the onehand, ifyouworryabout the“right” things,maybe theworrywillpreventbadthingsfromhappening.Ontheother,ifyoufailtoworryaboutthem,maybethiswillcausebadthingstohappen.Howcanyoueverbesurewhicharetherightthingstoworryabout?Thisideasuremakesworryseemimportant!

Now,ifthisideawerereallytrue,wewouldn’tneedtospendtrillionsonthemilitary—we could just organize our civilians intoworrying aboutwar.We’ddraftworriers,ratherthanwarriors!Butthenwe’dhavetoworryaboutwhetherwewerepreventingwarorcausingit.

Unlikely as it seems, many people subscribe to this idea, sometimes in asuperstitiousway.Theymayactuallyfeelnervouswhentheynoticethatthey’vebeenworryingless,asifsomehowtheystoppedpayingtheirdues,andtheyneedtogetthatpaymentinthemailrightaway.

QuestionstoConsider

Haveyouevernoticedthatyouhadn’tbeenworryingaboutatopicthatyouhadbeenworryingaboutagreatdeal?

Diditmakeyoufeelalittlenervous?

Didyoufeelalittleirresponsible,likeyouhadn’tbeendoingyourjob?

Did you think you should resume worrying about it? Did you resumeworryingaboutit?

IFSOMETHINGBADHAPPENSANDIHADN’TWORRIEDABOUTIT,I’LLFEELGUILTY.

This belief leads you to treatworry as a duty, ormaybe even a beneficialactivity.Ifyoushirkyourduty,badthingswillhappenandthey’llbeyourfault.

It’scertainlytruethatifthere’ssomethingyou’resupposedtodo(say,wateryourplants)andyoufailtodoit(andtheydie),thenthat’syourfault.Butthere’sabigdifferencebetweenworryinganddoing.

QuestionstoConsider

Hasthisideaeverledyoutoworry?

Haveyoueverfeltguiltyfornotworryingaboutsomethingthatactuallyhappened?

Didyouapologizetoanyonewhowasharmedorbotheredbytheevent?Didyoumakeamends?

Wereyouabletoforgiveyourself?

WORRYSHOWSICARE.

This is a surprisingly widespread belief. It shows how we often fail torecognizetheimportantdistinctionbetweenthoughtsandaction.

Ifyouhavechildren,youprobablywanttobeacaringparent,andalsotobeseenasacaringparentbyyourfamilyandfriends.Thebestway,probablytheonlyway, to judgehowmuchparentscare for theirchildren is to lookat theiractions.Do they attempt to fill the child’s needs, physical and emotional?Dotheymakeaneffort tobalanceassisting thechildand fostering independence?Dotheyworkattheverydifficulttaskofcommunicatingwiththechildthroughthevariousdevelopmentalstagesofchildhood?

Caringisdemonstratedbydoing.Yetinourculture,wedotendtoattributesomepositivecharacteristicstoworry.It’ssocommonforpeopletoreflexively,automatically,thinkthatcaringissomehowdemonstratedbyworrying.

QuestionstoConsider

Ifyouweretoldthataneighborneverworriesabouthiskids,wouldyouthinkthatwasagoodthingorabadthing?

Wouldyouliketobeknownassomeonewhodoesn’tworryaboutyourkids?

Ifyoursignificantothersaidtoyou,“Idon’tthinkyoueverworryaboutme,”wouldyoutakeitasacomplaintoracompliment?

THOUGHTSAREALWAYSIMPORTANT.

It’saverybasichumanfrailtytoassumethatthoughtsarealwaysimportant,andespeciallythatone’sownthoughtsareparticularlywiseandimportant.It’sakind of vanity. Our brain produces thoughts, and if we want to evaluate ourthoughts,wehavetogobacktotheorganthatproducedtheminthefirstplace.Nowonderweoftenthinkthey’remoreimportantthantheyare!

Ifyou’veeverhadasongstuckinyourhead,you’vehadtheexperienceofnoticing that some thoughts, like song lyrics, get very stuck in your mind,despitetheirlackofimportance.

Whenyou’re anticipating somekindof potentiallydifficult encounterwithanotherperson—say,you’regoingtoaskforaraise,ortalktoaneighborabouthisnoisydog—youmightrepeatedlyfindthoughtsplayinginyourheadasyouimaginehowtheconversationwillgo.

Howoftendothosethoughtsturnouttobeaccurate,andhowoftendoestheencountergothewayyouanticipated?

IAMRESPONSIBLEFORMYTHOUGHTS.

Ifyoucouldpickandchoosewhatthoughtsyouhave,andwhatthoughtsyoudon’thave,theremightbesomethingtothisidea.Certainlyitwouldbegoodtouse your powers ofmind controlwisely, if you had such powers, and if yourthoughtsaffectedthoseyoulove.

Doyourthoughtsaffectthepeoplearoundyou?Doyoucontrolyourthoughts?Let’ssee.Canyounowholdinmindaflagwithoutanyred,white,orblue

colorsinit?I think you’ll find, when you consider these questions, that your thoughts

have no influence on anyone else, unless you choose to share them, and eventhentheeffectofsharingyourthoughtswithothersisunpredictable.

Ithinkyou’llalsofindthat,whileyoucanapplyyourthoughtstoaproblemlikeacrosswordpuzzleorataxcalculation,youalsohavethoughtsthatoccurtoyouspontaneously,evenwhenyouwishtheywouldn’t.

WhatBeliefsDoYouHoldAboutYourThoughts?

Makealistoftheworrybeliefsyouhold.Thiswillgiveyoutheopportunitytodecidehowyouwanttorelatetothesebeliefs.Doyouwanttocontinuetoactinaccordancewiththesebeliefs?Doyouwanttoplaywiththem?WhatwouldtheRuleofOppositessuggestaboutrespondingtothesebeliefs?

ThinkingItOverChronicworrycanslowly,almostinvisibly,infiltrateyourbeliefsandyourlifeinways that hijack your hopes and dreams for your life and turn you into anagentofworryratherthanapersonwholivesthelifehewants.Identifyingthesebeliefs,andapplyingtheRuleofOpposites,candoforyouwhatkillingofftheparasiteswoulddofortheambersnail.

CHAPTER12

BreakingtheSecrecyTrap

Whenyouhaveanongoingstrugglewithchronicworry,youprobablyoftenfeel frustrated by theway inwhich friends and loved ones “just don’t get it”aboutthisproblem.Alltoooften,theyoffersimplemindedsolutionslike“Don’tworry so much,” or even imply that it’s your fault. They may be genuinelyconfusedabouthowtobehelpful,sometimessayingwhattheythinkyouwanttohear in an effort to help you calm down, other times refusing to discuss theproblematall.Thischaptersuggestswaysyoucangetthehelpfulsupportyoumayneedtochangeyourrelationshipwithworryforthebetter.

AreYouKeepingYourWorriestoYourself?Who knows about the problem you have with chronic worry?What do theyknowaboutit?

If you’re like most people with chronic worry, you probably haven’t toldmanypeople,foravarietyofreasons.Maybeyou’reembarrassedandfearthatothers will lose respect for you if they know about your trouble with worry.Maybeyoudon’twanttocauseotherstoworryaboutyou.Maybeyou’reafraidthatifyoutalkaboutit,you’llmakeitworsesomehow,thatjustacknowledgingit out loudmightmake it a biggerproblem;or that if othersknowaboutyourworry, they’ll keep asking if you’reworried inways that continually rekindleyourworry.

We’llcomebacktothosethoughtslaterinthischapter.First,Iwanttodirectyour attention towhat the urge for secrecy reveals about worry.Most peoplewhostrugglewithworry—oranykindofanxiety,forthatmatter—tendtokeepit secret.What does it tell me about a problem if I’mmotivated to keep it asecret?Whatkindsofproblemsarewemotivatedtokeepsecret?

GivethatalittlethoughtwhileItellyouaboutsomeonewhokepthisworryasecret.Allan(nothisrealname)hadapersistentworryaboutcontaminationbysome unhealthy substance. His worry wasn’t that he would becomecontaminated,or thathewouldcarelesslycausecontamination.Hisworrywasthat hemight be presentwhen some kind of contamination posed a danger to

people, and that he would either fail to notice it or, if he did notice, that hewouldn’ttakeeffectiveactiontoprotectothers.Then,hefeared,hewouldcarrythe guilt of failing to protect those who were subsequently harmed by thecontamination.

It seemed a little far-fetched, even to him, but he could never really “besure”;at thesametime,hefelt thepossibilityofpeoplebeingharmedrequiredthathebe surewheneverpossible.Oneeveninghewasat apartyandnoticedwhathe took tobeacontaminatedStyrofoamcupadjacent to thepunchbowl.Hedescribedtomehowheworkedhiswayacrosstheroomandstoodinfrontofthepunchbowlsothatnoonecouldseewhathewasdoing.Behindhisback,hecounted down through the stack of cups to the one he suspected wascontaminated,andremovedit.Hesurreptitiouslycrushedthecupinhishandandplaceditinhispocketforsafedisposallater.

When Allan finished telling me this story, I acknowledged his goodintentionsinseekingtoprotectpeoplefromthecontaminatedcup.Iaskedhimwhyhehadn’tsimplywalkedover to thepunchbowl, toldeveryoneabout thecontaminatedcup,andremoveditwhiletheywatched.

Allanlaughed,andsaid,“Thatwouldhavebeenreallyembarrassing!Thereprobablywasn’t anythingwrongwith that cup!”That’swhat the urge to keepyourworryasecretcan tellyouabout theproblem.There’susuallysomethingfunny about that worry, something that doesn’t stand up in the light of day.That’swhyyou’remotivatedtokeepitasecret.

KeepingSecrets

Does that match your experience? Do you find you’re motivated to keepyour worries a secret because there’s something odd about their content,somethingthatdoesn’tentirelymakesense?Ifthatfitsforyou,thenfeelingtheurgetokeepyourworryasecretcanbeareminderthatthere’ssomethingfunnyabout that worry, that the worry is just another invitation to “pretend…somethingbad,”aswesawwhenwediagrammedworrysentencesinchapter6.

When you find yourself wanting to hide your worry, it can be a valuablereminder that you’re simply nervous. That’s why you’re worrying, you’renervous,notbecauseyou’reupagainstarealproblemintheexternalworld.

You’dprobablyprefernottonoticeitatall,butit’sactuallyhelpfultonoticeyournervousness.Noticingthatyou’refeelingnervouscanbeagoodremindertodoyourAHA!steps.

Acknowledgeandaccept.

Humortheworrisomethoughts,asyouwouldhumorUncleArgument.

Activity—resume doing things that are important to you in your“externalworld”(andtaketheworrieswithyouifnecessary).

SecrecyandShameOne of the main reasons people keep their worry a secret is that they feelashamed of howmuch worrying they do. They fear others would shame andcriticize them if they became aware of the worrying. Protection from thisanticipatedshameandembarrassment.Thisistheusualmaineffectpeoplehopeto achieve by keeping theirworrying problem a secret, preventing shame andembarrassment.

Maybe you achieve that main effect, avoiding shame and embarrassment,although even that usually feels very temporary to most worriers. They’realwaysworriedthattheycouldaccidentallyrevealtheirworrisomenatureatanytime,andsorarelygetanylong-termcomfortfromthesecrecy.Butmaineffectsdon’ttelltheentirestory.

If you’ve ever watched any medication commercials on television, youprobably also know about side effects. Maybe you’ve seen a commercial forsomemedicationthat’ssupposedtorelieveaproblem,likeacidrefluxorerectiledysfunction. At the bottom of the screen, in tiny print, comes a long list ofunpleasantsideeffects.Sometimestheysoundprettynasty,ordangerous,evenworsethantheproblemthemedicineissupposedtorelieve.Asaconsumer,it’sup to you to decide if the benefit of the medication exceeds the problem ofwhateversideeffectsyoumightexperience.

Therearealsosideeffects tohidingyourproblemwithworry. Itwouldbegood to consider these side effects in evaluating whether or not secrecy is ahelpfulstrategyforyou.Herearesomeofthesideeffects.

Imaginingtheworst.Keepingyourworrieshidden,evenfrompeoplewhoareclosetoyou,deprivesyouofanyfeedbackyoumightreceiveifyousharedtheinformation.You’releftonyourowntoguessatwhattheworrymightmeantothem,andhowotherpeoplewouldviewyourdifficulties.Sinceworryalwaysexaggeratesthenegativeandmakestheunlikelyseemquiteprobable,yourguessofhowpeoplemightrespondtoyourworriesisprobablyexaggeratedand

overblowninthesameway.Thechancesareexcellentthatyourguessofhowpeoplewouldthinkaboutyouandyourworriesisfarworsethanwhattheywouldactuallythink,andsay,iftheyknew.Soyou’releftimaginingtheworst,ratherthansomethingmorerealistic.

Feelinglikeafraud.I’veworkedwithmanypeoplewhowerechronicworriers.Manyofthemwerequitesuccessfulindifferentareasoftheirlife,withmajoraccomplishmentstotheircredit.However,theycouldrarelyfeelgoodabouttheirsuccesses.Theywerepreoccupiedwiththisthought:IfpeopleknewhowmuchworryingIdo,theywouldn’tthinkveryhighlyofme.Theyliterallythoughttheywerefrauds,andthisbeliefwasanegativesideeffectofthesecrecytheymaintained.

Increasedworry.Whenyouhaveasecrettokeep,itnaturallyincreasesyourworry,becauseyou’reoftenconcernedwiththepossibilityofaccidentallyrevealingyoursecret.

Increasedsocialisolation.Chronicworrynaturallyinterfereswithsocialinteractionwithothers,becauseitleadspeopletospendtime“intheirheads,”arguingwiththeirthoughts,ratherthaninteractingwithpeople.Peopleoftencancelsocialengagementswhentheyfeel“tooworried”toattendadinneroraparty.Whenthisisaccompaniedbysecrecy,itpreventsyoufromaccuratelyexplainingyourreasonstotheotherparty,whoisleftguessingwhyyoucanceledtheplannedluncheon,orwhyyousometimesseemdistant.Becauseothersarelikelytothinkthatyou’rejustnotinterestedinthem,thiscandamageyoursocialnetwork.

Paradoxicalincreaseinsymptoms.Yourthoughtsdon’tshapeorcauseeventsoutsideyou,intheexternalworld,buttheycanshapeandcausephysicalandemotionalsymptomsofanxietywithinyou.Apersonwhoworriesalotaboutblushing,orsweating,inasocialsetting—andkeepsthosefearsasecret—islikelytoexperiencemoreofthosesymptomspurelybecausesheistryingsohardtonothavethem.Similarly,apersonwhoworriesabouthisvoicecrackingduringapresentationprobablyincreasestheoddsofthatsymptom.

The overall effect of these side effects of secrecy is this:While youmay

believe that you are fooling people by keeping your worries secret, only oneperson is really getting fooled, and that’s you. The secrecy fools you intobelievingthatyouhaveaterrible,shameful, insolubleproblemandthatnoonewouldeverlikeorrespectyouiftheyknewaboutit.

Theremightbe somegood reasons to selectively revealyour strugglewithworry, at least to a couple of peoplewho seem to have your best interests atheart.Whilenoone likes theprospectof feelingembarrassed, the feelingof itgenerallypassesprettyquickly.Thenegativesideeffectsofsecrecy,ontheotherhand, can last a lifetime if you never break the secrecy, so you may findsignificantbenefitinendingit.

When I first talk to aworried client about self-disclosure, he usually sayssomethinglikethis:“Idon’twanttotellanybodyaboutthisproblem.It’snoneoftheirbusiness!”

That’strue.Yourworriesarenobody’sbusinessbutyourown.Theonlyreasontodiscussitwithsomeoneisifyouthinkthatitmighthelp

yourbusiness,ofliving,reducingworry,followingyouraspirations,andsoon.It’saboutyourbusiness,nottheirs.

Soitmightbeworthwhiletodoalittlecost–benefitanalysisoftheeffectsofkeepingyourworrypatternasecret—themaineffect,andthesideeffectslistedabove as well—to help you decide if you want to experiment with a littleselectiveself-disclosure.

Ifyoudecidetoexperimentwithself-disclosure,Ihavesomesuggestionsforyou.

PlanningSelf-DisclosureStart with a significant other, or someone fairly central in your socialnetwork. Pick someone who’s clearly in your corner, someone who will bemotivatedtohearwhatyou’resaying,tounderstand,andbehelpful.

Scheduleanagreeabletime.Don’tjustworkitinattheendofaphonecallorotherconversation,anddon’tleaveittochance.Tellhimorherthere’ssomethingyouwanttodiscuss,andasktosetupaspecifictimeandplace.Dothisinpersonifatallpossible.Youdon’tneedalotoftime.Probablyfifteentothirtyminutesshouldbeplenty,unlessyouwantmore.Yourfriendwillbecuriouswhatthetopicis,butdon’tgetintoituntilthetimecomes.Youcanreassurehimorherthatyoudon’twanttoborrowanymoney!

Comerighttothepoint.Don’tbeataroundthebushorspendthefirstfewminutesonsmalltalk,sports,orcatchingupongeneralnews.Getrightintothetopic,assuggestedinthissample.

Thanksforsettingthistime.ThethingIwanttotalkaboutisanissueI’vebeenhavinganditweighsonmymind.Iworryalot,andIknoweverybodyworries,butIthinkit’sabiggerdealformethanformostpeople.

Here’satypicaldescriptionofworrying,butit’llbebettertoinsertyourowndescriptionhere.

Ifindmyselfthinkingandworryingalot,mostlyaboutstuffthatneverreallyhappens—orifitdoes,isn’tnearlyasbadasIexpect—butitreallyoccupiesmymindanddistractsmefromotherstuffI’dratherbethinkingabout.It’skindofembarrassingtotalkabout,butthat’sthemainreasonIwantedtotellyouaboutthis,IthinkitmakesitworseifIkeepittomyself,keepitinmyhead.Iworryaboutallkindsofstuff,andhavetroublelettingitgo.

So,thebiggestwaysthiscausesmetroubleis[heredescribebrieflyafewwaystheworrycausesyoutrouble.Thismightincludegettingdistracted,havingtroublesleeping,andotherresultsofworrying.Itshoulddefinitelyincludesomeofthewaysyoustruggletocontrolyourworryandgetridofit,discussedinchapter3.Ifthisisapersonyoueverapproachforreassurance,describethatpartofworrying].

You’reprobablywonderingwhyI’mtellingyouthis.Mainly,I’mthinkingitmighthelpmetogetthisoffmychest,togetoverkeepingitasecret,becauseIthinkkeepingittomyselfmakesitseemlikeabiggerproblemtome.

ButnowthatI’vetoldyouaboutthis,there’reacoupleofthingsI’dlikeforyoutodoandnotdo.

And here is the part where you will probably find it helpful to literallyeducateothers, train them, aboutwhat is helpful andnot helpful in relating toyour worry. People’s concerns about how their loved ones and friends willoverreact, or respond in unhelpfulways, are one of the reasons theykeep it asecret.You can’t expect that theywill automatically knowhow to be helpful.You’llhavetoexplainittothem.

GuidelinestoGiveYourSupportPeople

Don’t start asking me “How are you doing—are you worrying?” If Iwanttotalkaboutthissomemore,I’llbringitup.I’dratheryoudidn’tinitiateit.

Generally, it’s not a good thing for you to giveme reassurance aboutsomethingIworryabout.I’mlikelytooverthinkitandquestionit,tryingsohardtobe“sure”thatitjustcausesmoretrouble,formeandmaybefor you aswell. I have to get better at handling uncertainty. If youdogive me reassurance about something, make it realistic. Don’t tell mesomething will always be okay, in all ways. Put the usual realisticdisclaimersinthere, like“AsfarasIknow”or“Anythingcanhappen,butwhat’slikelytohappenis…,”becauseIknownothinginthefutureissure,andIhavetogetusedtothat.

If I appear to be asking you for reassurance about something, I’d likeyoutopointthatout—“Itsoundslikeyou’reaskingmeforreassurance,is that really what you want?”—and give me a chance to change mymindaboutthat.

Don’t share this information with anyone. If I want someone else toknow,I’lltellthem.

Don’tgooutofyourwaytotrytobehelpful,ordothingsyouthinkwillmakemy lifeeasier. If there’s something Iwantorneedyou todo, I’llaskyou.Or,ifyouthinkyouhaveareallygoodidea,askmeaboutit,butdon’tdoanythingwithoutaskingmefirst.

Givethisatrywithsomeonewho’simportantinyourlifeandmotivatedbyyourbestinterests.Seehowitgoesandevaluatewhattheeffectsare.Ifyoufindtheresultsareatleastneutral,orpositive,thenperhapsthiswillencourageyoutobeginbreaking someof the secretivehabits youmaintain aboutyourworrywithothers.

Onegoodwaytodothisistonoticewhenyouareofferingupanexcuseormakingupastory tocoverup the fact thatyouareworried.For instance,youmight find yourself declining an invitation to lunch with a friend at a fancyrestaurantbecauseyouanticipatefeelingreallyuncomfortablethere.Youdon’twanttofeel“trapped”atatableinthecenterofsuchaplaceasyoutryto“get

through” the meal. You picture yourself waiting anxiously for your friend tofinishcoffeeanddessert,thentryingtotoleratethedelaysinherentingettingandpayingthebill,whenyouwouldmuchratherrushoutofthere.

If you catch yourself in the act of offering a fake excuse, simply interruptyourselfandpause,thensaysomethinglike,“No,Itakethatback.It’sjustthatsometimes Iget antsy inaplace like that, especiallywhen Ihavea lotonmymindlikeIdonow,andIgettoorestlesstoenjoymyself.Howaboutwejustdosomethingquickandeasy?”

Thishasthevirtueofmaintainingyoursocialconnectionwiththisfriendandtakingcareofyourneeds.Anditopensthedoorabitforyoutoacknowledgeabitofworrythatyouexperience,soyoucangetarealisticreactionfromafriend,rather than the blaming, shaming, secretive reaction you experiencewhenyoumakeexcuses.

GettingSupportFromAnotherKeyPersonThere’s another person in your life from whom you can probably get moresupportinyourefforttoreshapeyourrelationshipwithchronicworry.

It’syou.YoumightbedifferentfrommostoftheclientsI’veworkedwith.ButwhatI

noticeaboutpeoplestrugglingwithchronicworryisthattheytendtobesoself-criticalwiththemselvesthatitmakestheirjobharder.Theycondemnthemselvesfor beingworried, as if itwere literally their fault, somekindof crime, ratherthan an unfortunate problem they wrestle with. They tend to be pretty stingywith praising themselves for their efforts, and all too freewith the blame andshame.

Whiletheyoftencomplainabouthowtheirfriendsandfamily“don’tgetit,”theyregularly thinkthings to themselves thatarefarmoreunhelpful thaneventheirworstenemywouldsay.

It’snotbecause theydon’tknowhow tobesupportiveandcompassionate.Theseareusuallypeoplewhoareverycapableofunderstandingsomeoneelse’sproblemsandofferingsupport,oratleastaneutralear,withoutcriticism.

Theyjustdon’tgivethemselvesthiskindofsupport.Whenclientscomeinandsharewithmesomeofthecriticalself-statementstheyhearintheirinternalworld,it’ssurprisinghowpersistentlynegativetheyare.

Theyknowhowtobesupportivewithothers,butdon’tusethisabilitywith

themselves,intheirowninternaldialogue.Whynot?I think it’s because there aren’t any witnesses in there! It happens so

automatically theyoften don’t evennotice the critical thoughts.They just feeltheeffect,intermsoffeelingdemoralized.

Doesthissoundlikesomethingyoudo?Maybeitwouldbehelpfultokeeptrackofyourcritical internalmonologueforaweekorso, just toseewhat it’slike.Keep track, on a padof paper or a digital device, of howoften you findyourself saying harsh and blameful things to yourself in the privacy of yourinternalworld.Noneedtoarguewithit,justtoobserve,andmaybetopauseandsay,“Ohwell—thereIgoagain!”

ThinkingItOverWhatdoesitmeanifyou’remotivatedtokeepyourworryasecret?It’softenagood indication that there’s something exaggerated and unrealistic about thatworry.That’sahelpfulreminder,andifyoustartlookingattheurgetosecrecyinthatlight,itwillprobablyhelpyourespondtoyourworriesinmoreeffectiveways.

Keepingyourworries secretcomesataprice,oftena significantone,withserious negative effects of the secrecy. Try the suggestions in this chapter forexperimentingwithself-disclosure,alittleatatime,andjudgeitbyitsresults,notbyyouranticipatoryfears.

Chapter13

SpecializedWorries:SleepandIllness

Inthischapter,I’lllookattwospecificcontentareasofworry:sleepandhealth.Actually, the worries are about feared failures in these areas: worries aboutfailingtosleep,orinsomnia;andworriesaboutdiseasewhentheworrierdoesn’tseemtohaveadisease.

Theseworriesoftenbecomecloselytiedwithveryspecificresponses,soI’lldescribe the responses, explain how they make the problem worse, and offersome specific new responses thatwill help youunravel the problem.You canskip this chapter if you’re not bothered by either of theseworries.Youmightstill find it useful, though, for the way it describes how people’s behaviorschangetofitinwiththeworries.

WorriesAboutSleepJaywasgoingthroughastressfultime.Hehadrecentlyacceptedanewposition,ajobhethoughtofasthechanceofalifetime.Heacceptedthejobeventhoughhehadsomeconcernsabout jugglingthenewworkloadwithhisroleasanewfather.Workwasactuallygoingwellforthefirstsixmonths.

Thenonenighthehadtroublesleeping.Therewasnoobviousreason,buthewokeuparound2a.m.feelinganxious.Hisheartwasbeatingfasterthanusual,andhefeltapprehensive.He thoughthehadexperiencedanunpleasantdream,butcouldn’trememberanydetails.Helaythereforawhile,tryingtogetbacktosleepwithoutsuccess.Hegotuptousethebathroom,hadadrinkofcoolwater,checkedhise-mail,andthenreturnedtobed,hopingforsleep.Hegotnone.Hefound himself resenting his wife for the peaceful sleep she seemed to beenjoying, and even the sound of her breathing seemed sufficient to keep himawake. Periodically, he’d look at the clock and calculate howmuch sleep hecouldget ifhe fell asleep rightaway.Thisaggravatedhimandmadehim lesssleepy.Finally,around5a.m.,hedriftedoffforalittlewhile,butsoonawoketothesoundofhissoncrying.

Jaywent towork feeling a little tired, but the day passedwithout trouble.However,shortlybeforeleavingtheoffice,hefoundhimselfhavingthethought,

Ihope Idon’thave trouble sleepingagain tonight.The thoughtbotheredhim.Hecouldfeelhisheartbeatalittlefaster,andhisbreathinggotshortforafewmoments.HisthoughtsturnedtothequestionWhatifIcan’tsleeptonight?andheenvisionedhimselfmishandlingworktasksbecausehewassosleepdeprived.

Drivinghome,hefoundhimselfwonderingwhathecoulddotoimprovehischances for good sleep. He hit upon a few ideas: he’d have a mug of hotchocolate before bed; he’d skip watching his favorite crime show that night,which was sometimes kind of intense, and read something tame instead; andhe’dgotobedearly.

Jayworriedaboutsleepthroughouttheevening,asifhewerepreparingforaphysicalchallenge.Hewenttobedanhourearlierthanusual,butitdidn’thelphimfallasleepearlier.Hejustlaythere,feelingtense.Concerned,hegotupandsat in the living room,watchinga talk showandhoping to fall asleep.He fellasleepthere,wakingacoupleofhourslaterwiththeTVstillonandwonderedifhe should “risk” going back to the bedroom, or stay where he was. He triedgoingback tobed,butaftera fewminutesofanxiety there,he returned to thelivingroomandsleptuntilmorning.

Hefeltapprehensiveaboutgoingtoworkandhadthoughtsaboutnotbeingalertenoughtohandlehisresponsibilities.Hedrankanextracupofcoffeeandtriedtogetsomereassurancefromhiswife.Shepointedout,accurately,thathehadgonewithalotlesssleepduringthefirstfewweeksafterthebabywasborn,but that factdidn’t reallycalmhim.Beforehe left thehouse,Jayreviewedhisscheduletoseeiftherewereanymeetingsorotheractivitieshecouldcancel.Hedidn’tseeany,butlookingathisscheduleremindedhimoftheendoftheday,andhewonderedagain,WhatifIcan’tsleeptonight?

Jay “got through” his workday without incident, but felt on edge, and hetriedtothinkofmorestrategiestogetbettersleep.Hestoppedatthegymonthewayhomeforagoodworkout,hopingtotirehimself.Heaskedhiswifetoavoidanymentionofnegativetopics,andhopedhissonwouldn’twakehimearly.Hehadaglassofwarmmilk thatnight, having read that chocolatemighthampersleep, and went to bed early, putting a hand towel over his eyes for extradarkness, and ear plugs in his ears for extra quiet.He triednot to think aboutwaking up at 2 a.m. again. It took him longer than usual to fall asleep, buteventuallyhedid.

Thenhewokeupat2a.m.andwentdownstairs tosleepon thesofa.Overthenextfewdays,hestartedsleepingonthesofainsteadofthebed,becausehefounditeasiertodriftintosleepthere,watchingTVandnotfocusingontrying

tosleep.Wheneverhewentupstairstogobacktothebedroom,heworriedaboutfailingtofallasleep,andfailedtofallasleep.Heswitchedouttheglassofwarmmilkforaglassofcoldbeerforaboutaweek,untilhiswifepersuadedhimtogoseehisdoctor.Thedoctorgavehimaprescriptionforsomesleepingtablets.Heusedthoseforaweekorso,butdidn’tlikehowgroggyhefeltinthemorning,and since thedoctor had cautionedhim that thepillswereonly for short-termuse,hediscontinuedtakingthem.

Jay’sexperiencewithsleepworryistypicalofwhatmanypeopleexperience.Theyhaveanightoftroubledorinterruptedsleep,oftenfornoapparentreason.Theyworryabout it repeating.Theytry toheaditoffwithavarietyof tactics.These tactics treat sleep as if it were a struggle or an accomplishment. Theyactuallymakesleepmoredifficult,buildworryaboutsleep.Worryaboutsleepisoften a classic example of the Rule of Opposites. It so often leads people torespondinwaysthatmakesleepmoredifficultevenastheyhopeandwishforittocomeeasily.

Sleep:LetitHappen,orMakeitHappen?

Let’sstartwithsomebasics.Whatdowedotofallasleep?Sleep is one of those activities thatweallow to happen, rather thanmake

happen.Howdowedo that?We create a space that’s quiet, comfortable, anddark,withnodistractionsorfeatures thatencouragewakingactivity.Weshowupand liedown,prepared to “letgo”ofdaily concernsandactivities, andwegivethatprocessalittletimetooccur.

“Tryingtosleep”isacontradiction,becausesleepisanactivitythatdoesn’trespondwelltoeffort.Thinkofoneofyourfavoritemeals.Howlikelyareyou,whenserved thismeal, to scrutinizewhatyoudowith teethand tongue?Howlikelyareyoutourgeyourselftogetmoreflavorandenjoymentfromthatmeal,andjudgehowwellyouaredoingatgettingthatflavorandenjoyment?Probablynotsolikely!Instead,yousitdownatanappropriateplace,withtheappropriateutensils,haveyourbeverageofchoice,putthefoodinyourmouth,andallowtheexperience to unfold. Even though it’s the same dish, it’s probably a slightlydifferent experience each time, but you don’t score it like an Olympic eventunlessyou’reajudgeonIronChef.

Manyofourdailyactivitiesare the typerequiringeffort, inwhicheffort isrewarded.Themorepersistently I teachmydog tostayoff thesofa, thebettershe’llbehave,at leastas faras thesofa’sconcerned.Themoreregulareffort I

putintomyworkout,thebettermyphysiqueandmuscletone,andsoon.Sleep isn’t like that. The activity of sleep is more like simple relaxation,

enjoying the flavor of your food, or having an orgasm.You arrange the rightconditions,gothroughafewsimplesteps,andenjoywhatcomesyourway.Youdon’tstruggletocreatetheexperiencebecausestruggleandenjoymentoftheseactivitiesaremutuallyexclusive.

SETTINGUPYOURBEDROOMFORRESTFULSLEEP

What are the right conditions?This iswhat sleeppsychologists call “sleephygiene.”Itdoesn’tmeanhavingcleansheets,althoughthat’salwaysaplus.Itmeanscreatingagoodenvironment,androutine,that’sconducivetosleep.Thismeansreservingyourbedandbedroomforsleep,alsoforsex,butnothingelse.Thismaybeabigadjustmentforpeoplewhoare“pluggedin”24/7.

No TV in the bedroom, get it out of there. Turn off your devices—yourphone,yournotebooksandotherdevices—andleavetheminthelivingroom.Ifyou have to have something in your bedroom to divert you, one book issufficient.

Takeyourclockandturnittofacethewall.Whenpeoplearehavingtroublesleeping,theyoftencheckthetime,thenfindthemselvescalculatinghowmuchsleep theycanget if theyfallasleeprightaway,as ifsleepweresomekindoftimedexercise.That’snotconducivetosleep!Stillwearingawristwatch?Leaveitonthebureauwhereyoucan’treachorseeit.And,ifyou’vebeenusingyourphone for an alarm clock, it’ll probably be better to get yourself a traditionalalarmclock.Evenifyouhaveyourphoneonmute,itprobablystillflashesandcangetyourattentionthatway.

Sleepisforlettinggooftheoutsideworld,anditwillhelptostructureyourbedroomaccordingly.

CREATINGABEFORE-BEDROUTINE

How about getting ready for sleep? Here are a couple of guidelines.Disconnect from the Internet and your cell phone for at least thirty minutesbefore going to bed.Do something a littlemore traditional and low key, likereading(nomurdermysteries!)orwatchingTVinanotherroom.Pickaprogramthat’snot really engrossingor stimulating—talk showsaredesigned for this—andonethatwon’tinterferewithyourscheduledbedtime.

Let go of the evening snacks. If you’re sensitive to caffeine, limit anycaffeinatedbeveragestoearlyintheday.Gotobedatatimethatwillallowyou

to have the amount of sleep you think you need.Don’t go to bed extra earlyhopingtoincreaseyourchancesofgettingenoughsleep.Thatwilllikelyensureextratimeoftossingandturning.

Itwouldprobablybegoodtospendafewminuteswithasimplerelaxationexercise before going to bed, or right upon getting into bed, like the bellybreathing and meditation exercises in chapter 10. As with any relaxationtechnique,thekeyistosimplygothroughthestepsandallowwhateverhappenstohappen.Maybeyou’ll relaxa little,maybeyou’ll relaxa lot. Just takewhatcomesyourway.Don’tstrivetorelaxyourself!

Avoidnappingduringtheday.Whenyousleepduringtheday,itoftenleadsto less sleep at night, and you want to get back into the automatic habit ofsleepingcomfortablyatnight.So,eventhoughitmightseemlikeagoodwaytocompensate for lost sleep, it probably just leads tomore lost sleep. Get on aregularbedtimescheduleandsticktoit.

HowsoonwillyouorIfallasleeptonight?Wejustdon’tknowexactly.Themainpointistocreatetherightconditionsforsleepandallowwhateverhappenstohappen.

WorryAboutSleepisJust…Worry

Worryaboutsleepusuallytakestheformofthisthought:WhatifIdon’tgetenoughsleep?Theoverwhelmingmajorityoftimes,theanswertothisquestionis that you will get sleepy. It’s a self-correcting problem! It’s not like theproblem of, for example, dehydration. If I don’t get enough water, I have tospecificallycorrectthatdeficit;mybodywillnotgeneratewateronitsown,andIhavetofinditandingestit.WhenIgetsleepy,mybodywillinducesleep.Mymaintaskwithrespecttosleepistostayoutofmyownwayandallowsleeptooccur,ratherthantomakeitoccur.

Your best response to worries about troubled sleep will include handlingworry about sleep separately fromhandling sleep.Handleworries about sleepthesamewayyouhandleanyothercommentfromUncleArgument.Treatitasworry, don’t get fooled into taking the content very seriously, and humor theworries. Handle the activity of sleep in accordance with the sleep hygienesuggestionsabove.

Whattodoifyoufindithardtofallasleep?Don’tliethereforhours,tryingto fall asleep. Give it a reasonable amount of time, perhaps half an hour. Ifyou’reunabletofallasleepwithinthattime,Isuggestyougetupandengagein

abriefperiodofactivity.Whatkindofactivity?Ifyouhaveahistoryofbeingabletorelaxyourselfto

sleep,perhapswithabook, thendothat.But ifyouhaveahistoryof tryingtorelaxyourselfandfailing,thendon’tdothatagain.Instead,taketwentyminutesand work on some uncomfortable, boring chore, like scrubbing a floor or abathtub.Youjusthadthecleaningladyintoday?Doesn’tmatter!Thepointofthistaskisn’ttospruceupyourplace,it’stomakesleepmoreinviting.IfyougetupandwatchaTVshowyoulike,orstartagoodbook,it’slikelytopostponesleepbecauseyou’redoing something that’smore interesting than sleep.Doatask that’s less interesting for twenty minutes or so, then go back to bed. Ifyou’restillupintwentyorthirtyminutes,repeattheprocessasneeded.

Sometimespeoplefallintoanunfortunatepatternofwakingatthesametimeeachnight. It’susuallyaparticularlyunwantedtime, like2a.m.Thisseemstooccurbecause,afterithappensonceortwice,thepersonstartstoworry—WhatifIwakeupat2a.m.again?—andsureenough,likeaself-fulfillingprophecy,theydo.Theygetcaughtupinaviciouscycleofanticipatoryworryaboutearlywakening,followedbyearlywakening,followedbymoreworry,andonandonandon.

This is a classic example of chronic worry, in which worry about thepossibilityanduncertaintyofearlywakeningleadstopreciselytheoutcomeyoudon’t want. Here’s a remedy I’ve found useful. It’s not for the faint-hearted,because it has that classic aspect ofmedicine—helpfulmedicines always tastebad—butdon’tletthatdissuadeyou.

When Iworkwith clientswho have this problem of habitualwaking at 2a.m.,Iusuallysuggesttheysettheiralarmclockfor2.Thenquickly,beforetheystorm out of my office, I explain that it’s the doubt and uncertainty aboutwhetherornottheywillwakeat2a.m.thatfeedsandbreedsalltheworrythatactuallywakesthem,andcreatesthehabitualearlywakening.Whentheysetthealarminthismanner,theynolongerhaveanydoubtaboutit.They’regoingtowakeat2a.m.

This changes theproblem.Before, theyworried aboutwhether or not theywouldwakeupat2a.m.Nowtheyknowtheywill,andwhentheydo,theycandecidehowtorespond.Maybethey’llrespondthesamewaytheydoeveryothertimetheywakeearly,butthisisnotwhatusuallyhappens,andifitdoes,they’renoworseoff thanbefore.Whatoftendoeshappen is that thepersonwakes inresponse to the alarm;wonderswhy the alarmhasgoneoff; remembers that Iaskedthemtosetitthatway;hasafewchoicethoughtsforme,thenturnsitoff

andgoesback to sleep.Sometimespeopleeven find theywakea fewminutesbeforethealarm,turnitoff,andgobacktosleep.

Evenwiththisexplanation,peopleoftenthinkit’saprettyweirdidea,settinganalarmclockfor2a.m.because theydon’twant towakeupat2a.m.AndIguess it is. But this is a counterintuitive problem, and it requires acounterintuitive solution.When you need a counterintuitive solution, you canalways turn to the Rule of Opposites. Setting the alarm for 2 a.m. is a pureapplicationoftheRuleofOpposites.

WorryonAwakening

Sometimespeopleexperiencetheflipsideofthisproblem.Whentheywakeatthedesiredtimeinthemorning,theylayinbedawhile,tryingtogetalittlemore sleep. Instead of sleeping, though, they often juggleworrisome thoughtsabouttheirdayastheylaythere.Sometimespeopleevensettheiralarmalittleearlier than they need, so they can build in an extra period of snoozing. The“snoozealarm”featureonsomeclocksencouragesthispractice.

Perhaps the best advice I can offer you about these “top of themorning”worriesisthis:don’ttakeitlyingdown!You’reatabigdisadvantageasyoulaythereonyourback,worrying,withoutanythingelsetodo.

You’ll be better off getting out of bed once you recognize that you areawake.Lying inbed,contemplating thebad things thatmighthappentoday, isnot theway to start your day! Instead, get out of bed and start yourmorningroutine—showering,havingbreakfast,lettingthedogout.Getyourdaystarted,andpostpone,forashortperiod,yourcontemplationofthedayahead.

After you’ve finished a portion of your morning routine, about fifteenminutes’worth, thensitdown inachairand takea fewminutes to review theupcomingday.You’llbebetter able toview thedaywhenyou’re fullyawakeandsittingup.Ifyou“need”toworry in themorning, this isabetter timeandplacetodoit.Ifyouhaveastronghabitofwakingandworryinginbed,itmightbe a good alternative to schedule aworry appointment (chapter 10) as part ofyourmorningroutine.

WorriesaboutIllnessWorryaboutpossiblediseaseandillnesscanbeanespeciallychallengingformofchronicworry.

Someonewith“illnessanxiety,”as it’scalledbyprofessionals,orsomeonewho just has some tendencies in this regard, is going to experience lots ofthoughtsandconcernsaboutthepossibilitythathehasadisease.Sometimesthisworry leads people to seek out much more medical attention than wouldotherwise seem necessary or desirable. Sometimes it leads people to do theoppositeofthat,toavoidordinarymedicalcheckupsandproceduresthatwouldotherwisemakegoodsense.We’lllookatbothresponseshere.

TooMuchofaGoodThing

People who experience illness anxiety usually find themselves focused onsomereallyseriousanddreaddiseases,likecancer,Alzheimer’s,AIDS,multiplesclerosis, heart ailments, and so on.You knowwhat you’re supposed to do ifyoudetectasignorsymptomofsomepotentialailment,right?Yougoseethedoctorandgetitcheckedout!Thatmakessense.

Thedoctorshouldlistentoyourconcern,examinetherelevantpartsofyourbody toevaluate it, andperhaps run some tests—bloodwork,X-rays,orotherscansof relevant areas. In somecases, a consultationwitha specialistmaybepart of the evaluation. The doctor’s aimwill be to clarify, to her satisfaction,whetherornotanailmentexists;ifso,toidentifyacourseoftreatment;andseeanynecessarytreatmentthroughtoitssuccessfulconclusion.

Buthere’swhere it gets so tricky for peoplewith chronicworry about thesubjectofapossibleillness.Ifyouhavethiskindofchronicworry,youarriveatthe doctor’s office with two goals in mind. First, you want the doctor’sprofessionalopinionastowhetherornotyouhaveadisease.Ifthedoctorsaysyoudohaveadisease,youwantthedoctor’srecommendationfortreatment.Ifthedoctorsaysyoudon’thaveadisease,youwanttobe100percentconfidentthatthedoctoriscorrect—andthat’saproblem.

YOUCAN’TALWAYSGETWHATYOUWANT

Nomatterhowhealthyyoumaybe,nomatterhowskilled, thorough,kind,andpersuasivethedoctormaybe,youwon’tget the100percentcertaintythatyoucrave.Evenifyoufeelthatwayduringthevisit,bythetimeyougethomeyou’ll probably start doubting all over again. This is the problem of trying toprovethatsomethingdoesn’texist.Itcan’tbedone.

Apersonwhoworriesa lotaboutherhealthmaydevelopaconcernabout,say, having a dangerous heart condition, or stomach cancer. She’ll noticephysical sensations that seem to indicate that she has that disease—her heart

occasionallychangesspeedorskipsabeat,orherstomachproducessensationsthatshedoesn’texpect—andshe’llconsultadoctoraboutit.

Shehopestobeabletoprovethatshedoesn’thaveadiseaseandlistensverycloselytothewordsthedoctoruses.Ifthedoctorsays,“Idon’tseeanysignofthisdisease,”she’sunhappywiththat,becauseit leavesopenthepossibilityofthediseaseappearinginthefuture,maybeassoonassheleavestheoffice.

Whatshe’d like thedoctor tosay issomethingmore like,“Youdon’thavethisdiseasenow,andIguaranteeyouwillnevergetitinthefuture.”Thatwouldsoundgoodtoher.But,itwouldn’tbelongbeforeshe’dstartwondering,andgetbacktoworrying.Howcanthedoctorbesosure?

DOUBTINGYOURDOCTORANDTAKINGTHEBAIT

What do you do when you find yourself once again worrying about thepossibility that you have a dreaded disease and that the doctor, for whateverreason, failed to find it? If you’re like most people with this concern, yourespondtothedoubtbyengaginginavarietyofanti-worrybehaviors,justlikethe bull charges the red cape. You go back to that doctor to explain yoursituationagain.Youmighthavethethoughtthatyouleftoutanimportantdetailthefirsttime,orthatyousimplydidn’temphasizeitenough;orthatthedoctoroverlookeditforsomereason;ormaybeeventhatthelabmislabeledyourbloodsampleandyougotsomeoneelse’sreport.Soyougobackandrepeatthevisit,asking the doctor to check again. You go to other doctors for other tests andopinions.Yousearch the Internet.Youask friendsand family for reassurance.Butnomatterhowhardandthoroughlyyoutry,there’sUncleArgumenttappingyouontheshoulder—“Whatif…?”

Wanting100PercentCertainty

Itmight seem to you as though this subject, a possible fatal illness, is tooimportanttosettleforlessthan100percentcertainty.Thefactisthatnomatterhow important the subject seems, you can’t have 100 percent certainty that aproblemdoesn’texist.Theharderyoutrytoattainit,themorepainfullyawareyouwillbethatyou’restillnotsure.

If this isyoursituation,you’renotunsurebecauseyoufailedto investigateyourconcernsufficiently.You’reunsurebecausenoonecanbeassureasyouwish.You’vealreadyattainedyourfirstgoal,gettingthedoctor’sopinionaboutyourhealth.You’restucktryingtoachieveyoursecondgoal—being100percentsure—andyou’renotgoingtoachievethatgoal.

You’re not focused on this problem because undiagnosed disease is thebiggestthreattoyoursurvival.It’snot.Thereareanynumberofordinarydailyactivitiesthatcarrymorelikelihoodofdeaththanundiagnoseddisease,andyouprobablydon’tpaythemmuchmindatall.You’restuckonthisproblembecauseitmakesyoufeelsouncomfortable.It’sdiscomfort,notdanger.Whenyoutreatitlikedanger,theproblemseemstospiralfurtheroutofcontrol.

Whatcanyoudo?Theproblemisthatyou’regoingtothedoctorhopingtoget a new opinion—from yourself. You’re hoping to come home, thoroughlyconvincedandsatisfiedthatyouarehealthy,withoutthediseasethatyoufeared,andthatthiscertaintyinyournewopinionwilllasttherestofyourlife.Buttheonlyreasontogotothedoctoristogetanopinionfromthedoctor,nottochangeyouropinionorthoughts.Yougotherewantingtofindoutifthedoctorthinksyou have a disease. Make it your goal to get an opinion from the doctor,knowingthatyouwilllikelycontinuetohaveworrisomethoughtsaboutdiseasebefore,during,andafteryourappointment.Don’tgothereforcertainty,justgoforthedoctor’sopinion.

WhyDoIDoThistoMyself?

Somepeoplegetstuckonthisworrybecausetheyrepeatedlyhavephysicalsymptoms as well as worry. Anxiety is not all in your head. You will alsoexperience it in your body.Someof the classic physical symptomsof anxietyincludefeeling lightheadedordizzy;changes inyourapparentheart rhythmorspeed; muscular tightness in your chest, shoulders, back and neck; digestivedistress;andmore.Eventhoughthesearecommonsymptomsofanxiety,somepeoplewhoexperience themhavea lotof troubleacceptingandbelieving thattheycanhavephysicalsymptomsthatarejustpartofanxietyandnotpartofaphysicaldisease.

Peoplewhoworryaboutpotentialillnessesandfindithardtoletgoofthoseconcernsfrequentlygetangryatthemselves.“Idoittomyself!”theyoftensay,andblamethemselvesfortheirtroubles.

Ifyouhaveworriesaboutillness,andphysicalsymptomsofanxietyaswell,it’struethatnooneelseisdoingthistoyou.Theworriesandphysicalsymptomsoccurwithinyourbodyandmindwithoutoutsidecause,butthisisn’treallythesamethingasyoudoingittoyourself.Theseworriesandphysicalsymptomsarenatural, involuntaryactivitywithinyourmindandbody,partof theprocessbywhichweroutinelyscanandwatchforsignsoftrouble.

If you have worries like these, you’ve got overzealous watch dogs! Theybarkwhenthere’saprowler,andthat’sgood.Buttheyalsobarkwhenkidsrunacrossyourlawn,orwhenthemailmanleavesyourmail.It’stoomuchofagoodthing!Buttheyaredogs,afterall,andit’sprobablyunhelpfultoexpectthattheyonlybarkwhenthere’sanactualthreatandneverbarkwhenthereisn’t.They’renotdoingittobotheryou;they’redoingitbecausethat’stheirnature.

Inthesameway, it’swithinallofustowatchforsignsofpossibletroubleandseektoheaditoff.That’sapartofournature,andsometimeswegetmoreofitthanwemightwish.That’saproblem.Butit’snotyourfault.

AvoidingaGoodThing

Otherpeoplewill respondtochronicworryaboutpossible illness inaverydifferent fashion. They avoid doctor visits like the plague. People who getcaughtupinthispatterngoforyearswithoutseeingadoctor.Theyavoidannualphysicals aswell as the usual recommendedmilestones, like colonoscopies atcertain intervals after age fifty, a shingles vaccination at age sixty, and so on.The necessity of amedical visit, perhaps for a chestX-ray required by a newemployer,orforanactualmedicalemergency,oftenbecomesacrisisforpeoplewith this kind ofworry. If you’re someonewith this kind of experience, yourworries take a different form compared to people who constantly seek outmedicalevaluations.

Why does illness anxiety lead people to avoid doctors? There are severalreasons.

Onecommonpatternisthatpeopleworrynotaboutthepotentialeffectsofadisease,butratherabouttheshockandanxietytheythinkthey’llfeelifadoctortellsthemofone.Ifyouhavethistypeofchronicworry,yourchiefconcernisanimagined,hypotheticalmomentwhenthedoctorexaminesyou,orreadsyourlabreport,looksupatyouwithaheavysigh,andsays,“Ihavebadnews.”

Peoplewiththisformofillnessanxietyimaginethisscenariofrequently,andthe thoughtofhearingbadnews scares themsomuch they think theyhave toavoid that possibility at all costs. It’s similar to the anticipatory fear a personwith panic disorder feels when they imagine getting into a situation theyassociatewithpanicattacks,perhapsanairplaneorcrowdedelevator.

WHITE-COATSYNDROME

Aroutinepartofmostdoctorvisitsisabloodpressurereading.Somepeople

hateandfearthistosuchanextentthatitleadsthemtoavoidthedoctor.Maybetheyhaveapattern,called“whitecoatsyndrome,”inwhichtheirbloodpressuregoes up when it’s time for the reading, and they have such an anticipatoryreactiontothisthattheygetcaughtupinaviciouscycle.Theyimaginethenursesayingsomething like,“OhmyGod,yourbloodpressure is through theroof!”andcausingascene,whiletheirbloodpressurecontinuestomount.

Peoplewhoexperienceanticipatoryworryaboutthebloodpressurereading,thedoctor’s feedback,or anyother aspectof theofficevisit sometimes find itintolerabletowaittheirturninthewaitingroom,becausethat’sprimetimeforanticipatory“whatif”thoughtstoarise.Justlikethefearfulflierwhogetstothegateonlytoturnback,sometimespeoplegetasfarasthewaitingroomonlytoleaveinresponsetoheightenedanticipatoryfears.

WorryAboutIllnessIsJust…Worry

If you recognize yourself in the above descriptions, and see that chronicworryabouthealthandillnessishavinganegativeeffectonyourlife,thenthefact that theapparentcontentof theworry isabouthealthand illnessbecomesmuch less important. Think back to chapter 6, in which we diagrammed thetypicalworry sentence.Thecontentof theworry sentence is revealed tobeofverylittleimportancewhenweconsiderthemeaningofthe“whatif”clausethatprecedesit.Doyourememberwhatthe“whatif”partmeans?

Itmeans “let’s pretend.”Whatever follows that pretend clause—cancer orthecommoncold—it’sstillpretend!You’restillmultiplyingbyzero!

That’swhat you end upwithwhen “what if” thoughts get you to pretend,evenabouttopicsthatwouldbeveryimportantoutsideofpretending.

DON’THIDEYOURWORRY!

It’sverycommonforpeoplewhostrugglewithchronicworryaboutillnessto try todenyandhideitwhentheyvisit thedoctor.Doyoudothis?Someofthisismotivatedbyadesiretonotbehamperedbythisproblem—youprobablydon’twant to“givein to it.”Someof it isfromembarrassment.It’salsooftenmotivated by a concern that, if you acknowledge to the doctor that you havesome trouble with worry, all your medical concerns and complaints will bedismissedassimply“anxietyrelated.”

Theseareunderstandableconcerns.However,totheextentthattheyleadyoutodisguiseordenyyourtroubleswithworry,theyprobablymakeyoursituation

more difficult rather than better. If you have chronicworry about illness, youreally have two problems to bring to the doctor: the symptoms you want toinvestigate, and your burning desire to prove, beyond a shadowof doubt, thatyouarenotill.Ifyouonlyacknowledgethesymptoms,withoutacknowledginghowyourquestforcertaintycomplicatesyourlife,thenbothyouandthedoctormaygetdivertedintounproductiveareas.

Some physicians, seeing that the patient is not entirely satisfied with thediagnosisofgoodhealth,willsuggesttestaftertestandspecialistafterspecialist,eithernotnoticingthatchronicworryispartoftheissueorpreferringtoavoiddealingwithit.Youcanwastealotoftimeandmoneythisway!Youwillalsoprobablybedisappointedtofindthatnoamountof testsandconsultationswillgiveyoutheperfectreassuranceyouseek.Infact,themoretestsyouhave,themoreopportunitiesforworrywillcomeyourway.

Your internal process of worry continues to go forward whether youacknowledgeitornot.Ifworryaboutpossibleillnessispartofyourlotinlife,hiding that fromyourphysicianmaywellmake thedoctor-patient relationshipseemmoreadversarialand lesshelpful.However, ifyoucanacknowledgeanddiscusswithyourphysicianthewayworryinfluencesyourthinkingaboutyourhealth,youmayfinditeasiertoarriveatamoresatisfyingworkingrelationshipwiththatdoctor.

Somephysicians probablydon’twant anypart of this andwouldprefer tohaveobedient,cooperativepatientswhoaccepttheirrecommendationsanddon’tworryabout it. Ifyouhappen tohavesuchaphysician,youmaywellneed tochangedoctorsandfindonewhoismoreopentoworkingaroundthewayworryinfluencesyourmedicaltreatment.

ThinkingItOverWorriesaboutsleepandhealthfollowthegeneralpatternofallchronicworry,andmayalsoleadtothecreationofstronghabitsthatincreaseandmaintainyourworry. This chapter identified some characteristic behaviors that people adopthopingtogettheworryundertheircontrol,behaviorswhichultimatelymaketheworrymore persistent and severe rather than less. Identifying such behaviors,and reversing them, is an important part of changing your relationship withchronicworry.

Chapter14

ClosingThoughts:There’sSomethingFunnyAboutWorry…

Sothereyouhaveit.Chronicworryisnotanintruderoradiseaseyouhavetooppose. It’s a bunch of reactions that appear in your internal world, in yourmind, when you try too hard to control and oppose unwanted worrisomethoughts.Chronicworry tricksyouinto taking itseriouslyandopposing it justlikeamatadortricksabullintochargingmenarmedwithswordsandspikes.

Amatador tricks a bull with a red cape. Chronicworry tricks youwith aphraselike“Whatif…?”

Whenyou fall for the trick,youenduparguingwithUncleArgumentandfeelingnauseousatabanquetthatyouhadhopedtoenjoy.AndthebestwaytodefusethesituationwithUncleArgumentistoplayfullyhumorhim.

Thismightnotbeashardasitseems,becausethere’ssomethingfunnyaboutworry.

I give frequent workshops on worry and anxiety at professional mentalhealthconferencesaroundthecountry.Theseareusuallyheldinlargehotelsorconference facilitieswith rooms formanyworkshops to occur simultaneously.Atbreaktimes,asparticipantsfromothermeetingswalkbymytable,theyoftenhave an interesting reaction.When people see the sign for themeeting aboutworry,theyfrequentlylaughandsaysomethinglikethis:“Oh,Icouldreallyusethismeeting!”

Nobody seems to do that at the tables for meetings on depression,schizophrenia, eating disorders, and so on. There’s something funny aboutworry. We can recognize it if we’re open to it, and it helps change ourrelationshipwithworrywhenwedo.

Respondingtochronicworrywithouthumoris likedrillingatoothwithoutlocalanesthesia.Youcandoitifyouhaveto,butit’ssomucheasier,andmorecomfortable,withhumor.

Irememberaclientwhocametoseemeinherlatethirties,seekinghelpwithasevereillnessanxiety.Thisisaconditioninwhichpeopleareextremelyfearfulof terriblediseases,somuchso that they’realways lookingforsignsof illness

andoftenfearingthey’vefoundsome,whenthey’renotactuallyill.Duringourfirstmeeting,shetoldme,“AllmylifeI’vebeenafraidI’lldieyoung.”

Ipointedoutthatitwasprobablytoolate,thattheearliestshecoulddienowwouldbemiddle-aged.Aftershegotovertheurgetoslapme,shelaughedreallyhard,andtalkedaboutalltheworriesshe’dexperiencedthatnevercameclosetohappening.Puttingthefunnypartofherworryonthetablelikethathelpedhergetsomeemotionaldistancefromtheupsetshe’dbeenfeeling,andhelpedhertackletheworrytrickmoredirectly.

Another client comes to mind who sought help with panic attacks. Shefrequentlyhadpanicattacksinsituationswhereshecouldbeobservedbyothers,like waiting rooms and grocery stores. She didn’t fear that the panic attackwouldharmher,butthatitwouldmakeherlook“likeacrazyperson”andscareeveryone aroundher.Chief amongher fearswas the idea that her eyeswouldbugoutandherhairwouldstandup.

Wecouldhavespentalotoftimetalkingaboutthekineticpropertiesofhair,andwhetherornotthiswaspossible,butitseemedlikeawasteoftime,akintoarguingaboutyourworries.Instead,Iaskedhertotakesomeobservationsnexttimeshehadapanicattack,andshewasagreeable.Iaskedhertokeepasix-inchruler and a compactmirror with her at all times, and in the event of a panicattackshewastomeasurehowhighherhairstood.

She had a panic attack several days later, in the waiting room of herphysician. She raced out of there and headed for the lobby, then rememberedthatshehadtomeasureherhair.Shedetouredintothebathroom,plantedherselfinfrontofamirror,andpulledheryellowruleroutofherpurse.Sheheldituptoherscalpandgazedintothemirror.Thereshewas,holdingayellowrulertoherhead,andshe justburstout laughingonseeing this!Thatwasprettymuch theendofhairstandingup.

That’s an example of “humoring the fear.” It involves accepting the fearrather than arguing with it, and confronting the situation as concretely aspossible.Thisoftenhelpsthefunnypartofthefeartoemergeandcanbemuchmore powerful than logically and rationally trying to debate and change yourthoughts.

I’vepreviouslymentionedthatIhavesomehumoroussongsonmywebsite.Here’sanexcerptfromanotherone,thefirstverseofasongsungtothetuneof“FolsomPrison”(apologiestoJohnnyCash).

IfeelmyheartstartracingThat’swhenIholdmybreath

ItmakesmefeellightheadedandIstartthinkingofdeathOh,IthinkIwillgocrazyAndthatmyheartwillburst.Nowtheysaythat’sneverhappened,Hah!IbetI’llbethefirst!Visitors tomywebsite love these songs.Whatmakes the songs so funny?

The lyrics above simply depict the typical thoughts of a person having a badpanicattack.Ididn’taddaseparatejokeorpunchline,yetpeoplewhostrugglewithpanicattacksandregularlyhavethethoughtsintheselyricshearthissongandhaveagoodbellylaugh.Hearingthethoughtsinasongjustmakesiteasierforthemtofindthefunnypart,thetrick,andtostepawayfromtheirmoreusualreactionofdisgustanddespair.

Freudhadsomeinterestingobservationsabouthumor.Hesuggestedatonepointthathumorservedthepurposeofsavingvariouskindsof“mentalenergy”and releasing them.Hedescribed“savings inmentalenergy”devoted toangerand fear when the individual suddenly realizes that what appeared to bedangerous isn’t dangerous at all. He also cited a release of mental energydevotedtothinkingwhentheindividualsuddenlyrealizesthatallthatthinkingisactually unnecessary. It’s the energy that was previously locked up inunnecessary overthinking and fight-or-flight responses that drives the laughterandhumorousresponse.1

Ithinkthat’sexactlywhathappenedwithmyclientasshegazedatherself,and her yellow ruler, in the mirror. All that overthinking, and fight-or-flightresponse,wassuddenlyrevealedasamisunderstanding,andshelaughed.

Perhapsyou’vealreadyhadtheexperienceof laughingatsomequestionorexperiment I’ve suggested earlier in the book. It’s good if you have! There’ssomethingfunnyaboutworry,andifyoucangetintouchwiththatfunnypart,itwillprobablybeprettyhelpfulforyouinchangingyourrelationshipwithworry.

Ihastentoaddthatthisworksonlysolongasit’stheindividualexperiencingtheworrywhofindsthefunnyparthumorous.So,friendsandfamilyofchronicworriers—don’ttakethisaslicensetotaketheleadandstartmakingjokesabouttheirworrying!

Sothat’sthebook.Ihopeyoufoundithelpful,andIhopeyouwillcontinueto find it helpful in guiding your path to a different—and better—relationshipwiththeworrythatisapartofeveryone’slife.

NotesChapter4

1.Pittman,Catherine,andElizabethKarle.2009.ExtinguishingAnxiety.SouthBend,Indiana:FoliadeuxPress.

Chapter5

1.Baer,Lee.2001.TheImpoftheMind.NewYork:ThePenguinGroup.

2.Hayes,Steven,KirkStrosahl,andKellyWilson.1999.AcceptanceandCommitmentTherapy.NewYork:TheGuilfordPress.

3.Hayes,Strosahl,andWilson.1999.

4.Weekes,Claire.1962.HopeandHelpforYourNerves.NewYork:PenguinBooks.

Chapter7

1.Wegner,Daniel.1989.WhiteBearsandOtherUnwantedThoughts.NewYork:VikingPenguin.

2.QuotedinLuoma,Jason,StevenHayes,andRobynWalser.2007.LearningACT.Oakland,CA:NewHarbingerPublications.57.

3.Hayes,Steven,KirkStrosahl,andKellyWilson.1999.AcceptanceandCommitmentTherapy.NewYork:TheGuilfordPress.

Chapter14

1.Freud,Sigmund.1905/1990.JokesandTheirRelationtotheUnconscious.NewYork:Norton.

David A. Carbonell, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who specializes in thetreatment of anxiety disorders in Chicago, IL. He is the “coach” atwww.anxietycoach.com,andauthorofPanicAttacksWorkbook.

Foreword writer Sally M.Winston, PsyD, founded and directed the anxietydisorders treatment program at The Sheppard and Enoch Pratt Hospital inBaltimore,MD.Sheservedasthefirstchairof theClinicalAdvisoryBoardoftheAnxietyandDepressionAssociationofAmerica(ADAA),andreceivedtheirinaugural Jerilyn Ross Clinician Advocate Award. She is coauthor ofWhatEveryTherapistNeedstoKnowAboutAnxietyDisorders.