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The world is afrightening place.

But you already knew that; you read it in

the paper, hear about it from friends, see itwith your own eyes every time you turn onthe TV to watch bad singers or dancerssubject themselves to abuse from judgeswith no more talent than the contestants, orsee a web video of a teenager shooting abottle rocket from his ass for amusement,or get plowed from behind in your car byanother driver who was texting LMAO to

his friends instead of noticing that the lighthad turned red and you had stopped.If random violence doesnt get you,cancer will. If cancer doesnt, globalwarming will. If global warming doesnt,bullet ants will. Or botflies. Or lightning. Ortsunamis. Or the Great Pacific GarbagePatch. Or Fijian headhunters. Or just normaleveryday activities like drinking water,

eating an orange, breathing the air, orhaving sex with a goat.Yes, we are in deep doo-doo. You shouldbe scared to death, right?

Wrong.Okay, sure, this is a book of scary facts,and the more you read, the more afraid youare likely to be. I wouldnt be doing my job if

you werent. But if forewarned is forearmed,then the more you know, the safer youllfeel, even if its a false sense of securitysince you cant do a thing about most ofwhat you read here. But who cares, as longas you feel better?If notif this information scares the shit

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out of youthats okay, too. Youreprobably reading this on the crapper,anyway, and what better place to be scaredshitless? Isnt that the idea, to be shitless?

At least you arent befouling a nice pair ofpants. Im also keeping you regular. Yourewelcome.While Im scaring you, though, I alsohope to make you laugh. Theres a jokeafter every fact, for chrissakes. Do youhave any idea how hard it is to make jokesabout things like a guy getting the wrongtesticle removed during surgery? Okay, bad

example. But you get the idea: you shouldlaugh when you read this book. If you dont,either you have no sense of humor or Ineed a new career. Im too old to start anew career, so the blame falls squarely on you.

Be warned also that you might beoffended by this book when I make fun ofsomeone or something you love. Butts ofmy jokes include doctors, dentists,Latvians, Texans, kids, pets, Deadheads,mothers-in-law, Death Row inmates,Catholics, Pentecostals, Sammy Hagar,Lyle Lovett, the French, Tennessee, fastfoodemployees, and numerous otherpeople, places and things. I also makeample fun of myself, my wife, my (fictitious)sex life, my home state of Georgia, andother things I hold near and dear. Sounbunch your panties and laugh a little.Even you, Sammy Hagar.Far more offensive than my jokes are theridiculous things that occur in this world ona daily basis, so read these facts and beafraid, be amused, be annoyed, be aghast,

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be whatever. You already bought the bookand I already got paid, so I dont reallycare. Sorry, just being honest. (Sort of.)And remember: front to back, and keep

wiping until the TP is clean.

FACT : New research predicts that the Earths temperaturecould rise by 36C (37.442.8F) by the close of thetwenty-first century, enough to have a serious impact onhuman life through rising sea levels, flooding, widespreaddrought, and more.

Ebola is a lethal virus in humans and has no cure.The source of the disease is unclear, but outbreaks usuallyoccur after droughts and downpours in central Africa,which will only increase as the planet warms .

FACT :Tornadoes are the products of thunderstorms thatpop up suddenly and without warning.

They produce winds that can exceed 250 mph and candamage areas more than a mile wide and fifty miles long.

FACT : Lightning strikes the Earthmore than 5,000 times everyminute.

FACT :Take shelter when your hair stands on end in astorm: it often means that positive charges are risingthrough you, reaching up toward the negatively chargedpart of the storm and making you a target for lightning.

FACT :The deadliest type of flood is a flash flood, causedwhen heavy rain leads to sudden surges of water that canturn storm drains, river beds, creeks, and flood plains intoraging torrents within minutes.These waters can destroybuildings and make roads impassable, preventingescape and assistance.