The Transition Game of Life:For Young AdultsBy Tom KelseyHead Men’s Basketball Coach Belhaven University

How to: Handle the changes of life,Achieve more success, Have less stress, Communicate more effectively and bounce back from adversity.

“If you’re ready to create a successful future and achieve your dreams then read this book. Tom has poured out his heart into this brilliant book!”James MalinchakCo-Author Chicken Soup for the College Soul“Two-time College Speaker of the Year”www.malinchak.com

“Tom Kelsey is a treasure chest full of wisdom and experience. I’ve known Tom for many years and I believe in his ability to give sound advice and great encouragement. You will love this book and make much better decisions because of it.” Dr. Joe WhitePresident, Kanakuk KampsAuthor of Pure Excitement, Lifetraining, Spiritual Mentoring for Teens, Faith Training: Raising Kids Who Love the Lord, What Kids Wish Parents Knew About Parenting: What You Need to Know Before It's Too Late

“If you are ready to get the keys to a successful life handed to you from someone who’s recently been there and done that, then look no farther. Coach Kelsey weaves together a series of masterful nuggets which are destined to inspire youth and adults alike to live a life of excellence. He draws from real-life experience to deliver real-life strategies that will take you farther and make you better. Get this book, read it, and implement it!”Ed RushMarine Corps Fighter Pilot and Speakerwww.EdRush.comAuthor of Fighter Pilot Performance for Business

 "I owe many thanks to Tom Kelsey for sharing his incredible wisdom in this book. If only I had this book when I was a junior or senior in high school, the positive impact on my life would have been amazing! So much of life seems to boil down to how we conceptualize situations, and Tom has a unique ability to find the positive outlook in almost any given scenario. Tom's advice is straightforward. He's giving young people so many of the answers that they need. Do a friend or family member a favor and buy this book for her or him. Give the valuable gift of knowledge found in this treasure of a book."Steven Thompson

Author of A Gift Before Dying

Dedication

This is dedicated to Robert (“Rah Rah”) Scott and his family wife Cynthia, sons Rahman and Daniel and daughter Rashae. Robert grew up in Birmingham, Alabama. Robert is still recognized as one of the best high school basketball players to ever come through the city when he played in the mid 1970’s. He then moved onto to an outstanding career as a player at the University of Alabama. After his playing career, Robert went into coaching at the High School level. He is also thought of as one of the top coaches to come through the city of Birmingham. He coached at West End High School where his team won two state championships. He later was hired as an assistant coach at University of Alabama Birmingham (UAB).

After a couple of seasons at UAB, he joined the University of Alabama coaching staff in April 1998 shortly after I had joined the staff. To me “Rah Rah” was somewhat of a legend. I grew up watching him play on television as a star player for Alabama. He played on some very good teams and was known as the defensive leader on those strong teams. To have the chance to work with him was a thrill. Robert and he had a good defensive mind and it was fun to pick his brain on ideas and to also hear him tell stories about this career. He was an outstanding recruiter and a tireless worker.

Robert was diagnosed with stomach cancer in September 1999. He probably started having stomach problems the previous spring, but he started noticing pain the previous spring. It took him a while to go get checked. When you get to that level of coaching you are on pins and needles. You don’t feel you have to go to the doctor. Most males between the ages of 25 and 55 are so focused on moving up the career ladder that they don’t take time to get checked out properly physically. Our schedule was non-stop and Robert was tough. A stomach pain was not going to keep him from doing his job. The pain got to be so unbearable that he finally did go see a doctor on September 9, 1999. I remember the phone conversation we had as he drove back in his car from Birmingham and his visit to see the specialist. I was in my daughter’s room when he and anxious to hear the results when he said the words “its cancer.”

Robert fought the cancer in his stomach as hard as he could and he coached with us that season like a true fighter. He passed away in May 2000. A couple of weeks after Robert was diagnosed with his cancer we were taking our team pictures. I was walking down the hallway in the basement of our arena and following behind Robert. The cancer was tearing his body up quickly because he had already in that short time lost a considerable amount weight. He was in the hallway with his clothes hanging on his body looking a size too big because of the sudden weight loss. I thought about how life hits us all in different ways. Here Robert was at his dream job a little over a year and then his health takes away the particular dream. He was back at his alma mater coaching in the gym where he had many big victories as a player and this would all be gone soon.

During the season if was rough on all of us as a staff. Our head coach, Mark Gottfried, knew the seriousness more than anyone. The doctors were honest and up front with him. They let Mark know that Robert’s chances of recovery were not good. We were in a small town in Louisiana on a recruiting trip when Mark took a phone call from one of the doctors and went outside to talk. We were in tiny hole in the wall restaurant meeting just the two of us before we went into a recruit’s house. Mark wouldn’t tell me what the doctor said, but I knew.

Through this book I will tell of moments that I recalled or I might say I can remember it like it was yesterday. That is just how my mind thinks. I remember Mark’s face after he got off the phone. I knew it wasn’t good. I was not going to press him. Losing my brother, Mike, in 1984 to cancer I knew what you go through. The doctor’s will tell you certain things and they will keep certain things from you. I remember Mark’s facial expression. You could read it on his face: The doctor’s had told him that Robert wasn’t going to recover and he probably wasn’t going to last long. I found Mark a couple of times in our coaches’ locker room just staring into space. I knew what he was thinking. He wanted to do something, but there was nothing he could do.

During the season we had one injury after another and it was one of those seasons you want to end before it is really supposed to end. We all felt pressure. When signed the #5 ranked recruiting class by Sports Illustrated the spring before. With Robert’s illness and our season not going well it seemed like thing were falling apart. The pressure just mounted. Like I said earlier you live on pins and needles in jobs at that level.

My stomach started to give me problems around the end of the season and the doctors thought it might be ulcers. We tried different drugs, but none of them worked. Through a CAT-Scan doctors found a tumor on my left kidney. Within a month of Robert’s death, they found out the tumor was cancerous. My kidney was removed and after a very painful surgery and recovery that

was all the treatment I needed.

It was a sad, strange, and long year for everyone involved in our program. I can’t answer why Robert died and I lived as we worked in offices side by side. Have I felt guilty? Yes. At times I have not known why God allowed me to live. Not that God was choosing, but it was a weird situation to have two men in adjoining offices that both get cancer within a year of each other. One dies and one lives on. It is part of my motivation to live a better life and to be better in every area of my life. It also is part of the impetus to write this book and share these points. I am thankful that his death was not in vain and I want to touch people’s lives as Robert did in so many ways.

We take too many things for granted in our lives. I know that I do. Robert’s death allows me to focus back on what is important. Robert was a loving husband and super dad and fine basketball coach. He loved life and these principles in this book remind me of him. Especially about not talking about how tired you are or complaining (#30). That year he had cancer was very draining on him physically, but I do not remember him complaining. He would come to work, help when he could with our practices and games when the doctors told him to stay home. Robert never asked for sympathy. He was strong man that was also a very good inspiration.

Thank you “Rah Rah” and the Scott family for the strength you have shown others and how you have been an inspiration to me. I know what a sacrifice Robert made for his family and an impact he made on others. In a short time he made an impact on my life. I don’t take for granted how blessed and I am.

Introduction

Two major questions as we begin this journey:1. Why write the book? 2. Who am I trying to help?

The answer to the first question can best be described in a talk I had with my son, Hadley. Most of the time when I have asked him, “What do you want to do when you grow up?”Or ‘Where do you want to go to school?” he usually does not give much detail. Most often he does not give up information as I try to get into deep questions.

Finally this time he cracked a little bit and gave me some insight one day as I was sitting on his bed and we were talking. Since he was heading into his senior year of high school I thought this could be a good time to pose the questions about his future again. I asked him what he would like to end up doing one day.

He told me down the road he would like to be a “_______“. (I’ll keep it private just so he won’t get mad at me; the job is legal to easy the fears of my family) I got pumped up when he told me his goal. Immediately I said, “You

can do that! Oh, man, no doubt you can do that one day.” I was happy for him and a little bit jealous. There was no question in my mind he could reach his goal if that is what he really wanted in life.

Now I was into this because he was sharing a dream. I immediately started going into my dad mode. I stood up and started to talk rapidly, “Here is what you need to do. You need to start calling these people and starting lining up internships with these people. We can call this person and this person” On and on I went. I think I was more energized than he was.

When he told me his vision I could see a plan. Because it was in the field of athletics I knew what it was going to take. I knew two men personally that had made it that level and I knew how dedicated they were to get there. The neat thing as his dad I knew a blueprint of how to get where he wanted to go.

That is reason number one for the book: to give you hope and excitement for your future.Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future.” God’s word says it best. My hope is to also give you hope and for a future.

What happens to a lot of us is that we get knocked over by life. Things happen to us and for one reason or another we begin to lose our balance. Some people can get pushed and pushed and pushed and eventually topple over and stay there. On the other hand there are some that get pushed and have the strength to bounce back up once they topple over.

Who is the book for?

All parentsKids from divorced families or broken homesKids with depressionKids with anxietyKids with poor self-esteemKids with baggage from their pastKids that feel ashamedKids that have stories about their family that they can’t tell anyone elseKids that are scaredKids that are embarrassedKids that are lonersKids that have angerKids that feel lostKids that have it all going for them because at some point they will face some tough timesAnyone working with kids

Probably the hardest thing to do in writing this book is in putting down on paper why am I qualified to write a book that you should read. The thought has gone around and around my head. Writing out the principles was much easier than trying to explain this part in the opening of the book.

I am going to bare my heart and soul with some of these stories and anecdotes throughout the book. You will be passed on some life lessons and advice as you read from the front all way to the back. I will try to help you keep from stepping on the land mines that are out there in life. Also a goal is to keep you from making the same mistakes I made and your parents may have made down the pathway of life. Experience is not the best teacher. Someone else’s experience is the best teacher. If they made a mistake and can keep you from making the same mistake that is a good teacher.

Being a coach and teacher for over 20 years does give some me knowledge and stories to share with you. Having 5 children and being married for over 20 years I can fill up a book on mistakes I have made as a dad and husband.

Another goal is to help anyone reading this book is to be able to reach as high and far as they can for the dreams and aspirations they have without worrying what others say. Pretty big objective huh? Unfortunately I see a lot of kids that talk about their dreams. What I do see is how we hold ourselves back from reaching our dreams by making some silly mistakes. We sabotage ourselves more than anyone else does to our dreams.

What I want you to think of is a big roll of tape. Imagine taking the tape and taping some part of your body. Maybe it is one of your arms to the side of your body. Maybe it is the tape over your mouth. You might even tape something else to your body. What about some additional weight like they use in the weight room? You wouldn’t want a 15 lb weight or a 25 lb weight attached to your hip. With weight attached to your body or tape around your mouth now go out and see how effective you can be for the next week. You wouldn’t be able to do the things you normally do with the same effectiveness. That is what I see with young people is they have added restrictions or added weight that they don’t need to carry around. They completely limit their ability to reach the goals they have set. They do this by trying to live in a way to be important or have an identity. So many kids aren’t living with freedom because they have so much baggage from the past. What I would like to do is help people from getting years of therapy, counseling and medication. I am not a doctor and can’t replace a doctor. What I am trying to do is say face problems now and not later. Problems that we have emotionally don’t go away. They have to be dealt with head on. You have to face the problems they will not run away.

I see kids today that aren’t at ease in who they are. I call it “being

comfortable in your own skin”. More and more kids are coming to us at the college level not comfortable or confident in just being themselves. They want to be something else because they are not happy with themselves.

Through a series of failures I came to the realization that life is a journey filled with ups and downs. It is not about trying to stay on top, but finding a way to bounce back from some setbacks. It’s hard to find someone out there that has had some success or is experiencing success without going through some sort of failure or failures.

At a very low point in my life there were a couple of situations that occurred. It seemed like my life was like the old commercial “Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up.” It took me more time to get back off the canvas after being knocked down that than it should have taken. I was up walking around and going about my daily routine on the outside, but I wasn’t the same. Usually getting knocked down was no big deal. I would hang my head for a while then I could eventually get back up off the ground and back in the race. For some reason at the most important time I was not able to accomplish the quick rebound. With a wife and at the time three kids when I needed to be strongest I let them down.

I couldn’t move. I held onto grudges, worried about being done wrong, dwelled about missed opportunities and keep myself mired in a funk that kept me down instead of quickly getting back up off the ground. I was having my own pity party with a steep cover charge. Persistence had always been my middle name. What had I allowed to happen to myself?

Looking back, I failed to implement some of the strategies in this book that could have been such a big help. My wish is to give my own children, my players and people from all walks of life skills and emotional stability to make life a success. Success is not always in the winning, but you will see how you travel the path of life that it comes from striving to reach your potential. Life is a series of games and challenges. It is how you respond. Once you realize you will get beat and get knocked down a lot it can change the complexion. You have to a place to fail. I worked for very wise boss that one time told me in letting an employee go he wanted to, “give this person a safe place to land”. That is an excellent way to put how God treats us. He never wants us to fall on our face. There will be times when we start out racing on our own without following his guidance that we will fall. The fall can be hard, but God will give us a safe place to land.

You will grade success differently than your best friend, your neighbor, your siblings and maybe your parents. I have found success comes when we know how to reach down inside ourselves and find out what is our best and also never giving up even when the scoreboard says give up.

My heart is not for you to look at success the way the world looks at success, but that you find a peace inside and a joy with what you do with your life. Naturally I want to help everyone to reach his or her full potential. I have seen so many people take full advantage of whatever they talents they have been given and unfortunately have also seen those that have not taken advantage of their great opportunities.

As we get started in this journey let me leave you with a quote my father gave me in college. He gave it to me in a plastic sheet protector and it was a poorly copied version. I had the quote with me for the last 25 years. Either in my dorm room, on my desk, in my office or somewhere I could see it on an almost daily basis and remind myself of the main points of persistence.

If I pride myself on anything it would have to be my persistence. I felt like the areas where I found success in my life through my profession or in relationships was in my ability to persist and not give up. That is what brought me to the point of writing this book and putting it down on paper. Some areas and experiences of my life I failed to persist and it cost my family and career dearly. My goal now is to create for myself a situation that I do not have that lack of persistence. Let’s find a way to develop habits that allow you to fall down and also to get back up and go back in the race. This book can be a good starting place for you.

“Good habits formed at youth make all the difference”Aristotle

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” Calvin Coolidge, President of the United States 1923-1929

Why Transitions? Where does the transition part come in the title of the book? In the game of basketball each team consist of five players. The five players must play on both the offensive and the defensive end of the floor. Each player on offense and defense can move wherever they want on the floor while the ball is in play (as opposed to something like hockey or soccer. In hockey and soccer certain players can only play on certain ends of the floor and can only cross a particular section of the playing area after the ball has crossed that area).

In the game of basketball a “transition” is moving from the offensive end of the floor to the defensive end of the floor or vice versa. How well your team moves from one end of the floor to the other is usually one of the most important aspects of the game. If you can outrun your opponent once your team has the basketball you will score what we call “easy baskets” or transition baskets. If you beat your opponent back down the floor while on defense and your opponent has the basketball you can shut down their “transition game”.

If you look at the intricate details and game statistics at the professional, college, and high school level most teams keep stats on how well they do in the transition game. It is called “Fast Break Points”. It is an area of the game you have to work on every day. Just like shooting free throws. Almost each practice a team must work on defending the transition game and work on scoring in transition.

Each level of competition you move up you must raise your level of play if you want to be a contributor. Working years of basketball camps I try to tell kids no matter if they are going to move up from little league to middle school, from middle school to the junior varsity or junior varsity to varsity they must be ready to raise their level of play.

For every jump you make in level of competition you also have to make a jump in your effort and determination. I don’t know anyone that has moved up a level and worked less and been more successful. At every junction that you make the move up the competition becomes tougher and tougher.

Here is why transitions are important. They occur all the time. Transitions in school consist of going from junior high to high school from high school to college from college to working world. Transition might be from one job to another. It might be promotion from one job within the same company.

Transition might be the breakup of a relationship. Transition might be the start of a relationship. Transition could be the birth of a child. Transition means change.

We have a drill in our practice where either I or my assistant coach yell, “Change!” and our players that our scrimmaging have to change from offense to defense and also change ends of the floor and they must do it quickly. If a team doesn’t quickly change from offense to defense then their team is going to be in trouble. If you have a freshman that is new to the drill an upperclassmen will make sure he is moving quickly. You can teach your team to communicate real well in this drill especially if their punishment for the losing team. The losing team of the drill has sprints or pushups. Guys get the idea real quick that they have to be ready to change from offense to defense immediately.

That what life does with us. It calls for “Change!” It says, “Change!” sometimes with a warning and sometimes with no warning at all. With the book as a help you give yourself a base to making changes in life much easier. I have made a lot of transition in my life that I didn’t do so well. Looking back having a personal coach would have been great for me to help me through each transition of life. Maybe someone yelling, “Change!” would have been a wakeup call for me.

Praying more and asking God for direction would have been the biggest help of all. Spending more time asking questions of older more experienced people could have been of assistance. Slowing down and just listening to others and getting as much advice would have been helpful. Hopefully this book can help you in your transitions of life.

It is my belief that the transitions of life can be one of the hardest things we go through. When we change schools, when we move, when we change jobs, when we go to a new church, any time something changes in our life and there is an adjustment it means there is a transition in life. You won’t go through life with the same steps and the same people all your life. There will be changes all the time and they will happen all around you.

It is why people don’t like change. They want things to stay the same and keep things the way they have been going. Once you change the schedule of a routine or move things around you ever see how upset people get? That is why transitions are tough. We don’t adjust to change very well. Most people are not wired to change very well. If you know that going in you can better prepare yourself for your own transitions in life.

If you want to have success it is going to happen at an even higher rate of speed because of the demands you will put on yourself and others. You will push yourself and that takes you out of your comfort zone. Leaving the

comfort zone means making a transition. All transitions are not bad you just have to understand there is adjustment along the way.

Going to college, getting married, getting that first job are all big transitions that you will need help in making. This book is designed to help your transitions to go as well as possible for you.

Your life, your movie, you are the main character

“There are two ways to live your life-one as though nothing is a miracle; the other is as though everything is a miracle”.Albert Einstein

I love Einstein’s quote and challenge you to do the latter. “Live your life like everything is a miracle.” It will be a much more enjoyable way to live. At the end of your life they will roll the credits and only one person will be the star of your movie: You!

There will be supporting roles and co-stars along the way, but when they come to the end of the movie and tell about your life it will be you they talk about. Your life to live and it is not for you to live as if you are someone else or trying to please someone else.

You have the part all to yourself. There will be scenes in the movie you want to yell “Cut”! The desire will come try to film scenes over again, but it doesn’t work the same in real life as it does in the movies. It’s better. In the movies actors or actresses are playing someone else. They are portraying another character entirely. The best artists are the ones that can completely get into another personality and act like someone they aren’t. Reflect about how difficult that has to be to perform that on television, in movies or on stage. The ones that can carry out a particular role over and over night after night have an amazing talent. Trying to imitate someone else’s mannerisms

and the way someone else may talk and act has to be very difficult.

The performer’s jobs in Hollywood or Broadway may be glamorous at times, but nothing like the job you have ahead of you. Your role is the best role because you were the only person in the whole world selected out of everyone else to play the role. Think about those odds. Out of all the people you were chosen by God to play this role. And you are to play it well. Not to give a half-way effort. Not to complain for more speaking parts. No placing blame on anyone else because it your part and yours alone. You are to give the best performance you possibly can. God has even made allowances for mistakes and to give you second chances when it seems no one else will. He stands by you knowing he chose you for the role.

Like the quote above young people have the ability to attempt the impossible. You live in a time with unique opportunity for people of your age group. There is so much to achieve for your generation that you have to go out and grab every moment you can.

Your movie, your life, go live it well you are the star!

Index Page

Section I1. Listen to your parents2. Work so hard to make an impression, but do not try to impress. 3. Be Slow to Speak and Quick to Listen4. Pick your friend the way you would pick a car.5. Get on the right bus6. Think about someone else.7. Do not decide your future today8. Have a moral compass9. “Love going to work, love coming home”10. Meet the stranger11. Be impressed12. Have an opinion

13. Less is more 14. Hear the word “no”15. Hear the word “yes”16. Ninety percent of life is showing up17. It will never be fair18. Love others unconditionally19. Call on birthdays20. Accept your parents21. Be on time when time is involved22. Say “please” and “thank you”23. Pick up one piece of trash a day24. No radio rule25. Everybody has a sign on their chest that says “I want to be appreciated”26. Understand customer service27. Daily reflection

“The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible, and achieve it, generation after generation."Pearl S. Buck

28. Learn who makes the call29. It’s much easier to do it correct the first time than to have to redo the entire project30. We are all tired-No complaining

Section II31. Invest in someone32. Appreciate the holidays33. Get up on the right side of the bed and with the right attitude34. Gossip stops here35. No one likes to be picked on36. Your health, your life37. “Life is hard”38. “Life is great”39. There is Joy in the Journey40. Your actions have long term consequences41. Everybody is not doing it42. Love your school, love your life

43. Your teachers are real people44. It does not matter what others think about you45. Your effort will produce results46. It does pay to do your homework47. Who pays the bills?48. Who are you passing it onto?49. Embarrassing moments are just those, moments.50. “Don’t decide a major until you finish your sophomore year of college.”51.” Don’t worry about making money until you’re 30”52. Stay away from negative people.53. Celebrate other’s success 54. Time and attention55. The “333” of life

Scripture verses are taken for the New International Version (NIV)

1 . Listen to your parents.

A key strategy and skill in reaching your potential is the ability to listen. Listening is good advice and another step towards success. Listening to your parents is a critical factor in your path of life.

It does not matter what differences you have had with your parents in the past and how thick headed you may think they are (hint: they may possibly think the same of you) being able to listen to them will keep you out of tons of trouble. Your knack in listening to them for guidance and advice is a key in the transitions of life.

You will be frustrated, mad, and angry along with an assortment of other emotions with your parents as you grow up and start to become more independent. Try to understand that they were probably the way with their parents. You would do well to follow this one piece of advice of listening to

your parents and it will keep you from problems down the road.

If your parents or parent are asking you to do things that are against the law or against what God says, you can disregard point #1. Otherwise, this is key advice for you on how to reach the goals you have in life.

You have heard it said before and you will hear it again: Your parents do have your best interest and know you as well as anyone. In most cases they have been around you as long as anyone else. Because of these reasons they love more than anyone and they want to see the best for you. Even during the tough times of the parent-child relationships deep down your parents do want the best for you and your future.

Most people go through a typical progression of life when we hit different ages. Usually the pattern for kids thinking goes something like this:

Ages 1-11 “My parents are great. They can do just about anything in the whole world.”Age 12-13 “I think my parents are starting to get weird.”Age 14-17 “My parents are weird and they don’t know much. Plus they embarrass me in front of my friends and they say goofy things. Wow, they just don’t get it.”Age 18-22 “My parents are just out of touch with the real world. They don’t know what it is like to out there today. I just want to get away from them.”Age 23-24 “I wonder if my parents will let me move back home?”Age 25 “Maybe my parents knew a thing or two.”Age 26 (or once you are married) “My parents were actually pretty smart.”Age 27 and up (or once you start to have kids) “How did my parents do all they did for me? They are quality people and I count on them for advice.”

As one of those who did not think my parents knew much, it was not until later that I realized that my parents did know a thing or two about life. It probably took me to the age of 23. For some people it does not take long and some people it takes longer. The sooner you listen to your parents the better.

Yes, your parents are out of the loop sometimes and are not up with the latest fashion, fads and trends. They do want the best for you and really want you to have it better than they did. We will talk about it later in the book, but you have to try to understand your parents just as much as they have to try to understand you. It is communication. Sometimes you have to filter out the loud voices (yelling) or the angry voices (screaming) and understand what your parents are trying to communicate.

Do not forget that experience is not the best teacher. Other people and their experiences are the best teachers. If someone else can make the mistake and you don’t have to pay for it that is better than you having to suffer the consequences. Why would you want to make the mistakes if someone else can go through either the pain or the cost and give you the advice and save you the heartache?

Your parents offer you a lot. They offer you the chance to learn from their past mistakes. That is a key to being able to listen to your parents. Understand their heart and where they are coming from when they try to tell you something. They give you that ability to see the obstacle that is in the way of a dream. They see what can give you pain or can cost you money. Allow them to give you warnings. Most often they are correct and can avoid you from getting in a jam.

Allow your parent or parents to make their point and voice their opinion without arguing with them. In the long run, you will be better off. Many of the things they teach you are going to be from their experiences and past mistakes. Do not come up and make the same mistake they have made after they gave you numerous warnings. They can keep you out of trouble and heartache if you just listen to them.

My dad gave me advice when I was struggling as a young coach with a particular rough situation. It was hard and dominating my thought process. Looking back I was an immature young coach that did not know enough or have enough experience. Instead of seeking others advice and listening to key people I tried to figure it out all by myself. That was a quick lesson for me in the coaching and teaching profession. Seek others advice and wisdom. This is where my dad’s good advice came in to help with the situation.

After he listened to me lay out the situation he took it all in and didn’t try to tell me what to do, but he made me think of the ramifications. He said, “Imagine you are giving a talk on this subject 10 years from now at a coaching clinic. How would you advise someone and what kind of steps would you give for someone going through the exact situation?”

Immediately he gave me the ability to think long term, not short term. Think down the road. Get a view from a different angle and figure out what is really important. As I was able to take in the advice it helped me tremendously in dealing with the situation. Instead of thinking about myself I thought more of big picture approach

“We never know the love of our parents for us till we have become parents.”

  Henry Ward Beecher

Some of us are long term thinkers and some of us are short term thinkers. With parents and kids it is usually the kids are short term thinkers and want it fixed right now. Parents have the ability to think long term and see from a different vantage point.

I can vividly remember lying on my bed talking to my dad over the phone. What he gave me was the ability to look at the problem from another point of view. What he gave me was a way to observe the situation and to take my emotions out of the equation. I would not have had that kind of wisdom because I was a young coach and not a veteran in dealing with personnel issues. My dad is a family law attorney. He is used to dealing with people that have issues and disagreements on a constant basis. Most of his day to day dealings are getting people to work things out and come to some sort of an agreement.

The advice allowed me to have understanding about the other person and how they may feel. I still think of that conversation and how it changed my perspective. Now I use the “think 10 years down the road” advice if trying to help other people when they come to me with problems dealing with personnel issues. It is also a constant reminder to me on how to think down the road. I have never given that talk, but I always ready if called upon.

My mom also gave me sound advice at a critical juncture in my life. After my junior year of playing college basketball, I had the opportunity to graduate and go out into the real world. We had a good team returning and our entire starting five from a team that went to the National Tournament the previous season. We were eliminated by the eventual national champion in March of 1985, so we all had a feeling we could do something special the next year. I was thinking going on ahead to graduate. I would go out and get a job in broadcasting or some type of job in the sports journalism area.

My mom told that she did not think I had reached my full potential as a basketball player. “Give it one more year and see what happens. I don’t think you feel you feel you have reached your full potential” she said. To her she saw someone that had worked so hard to get to this point that she did not want to see me quit just yet. She could remember all those hot summers and cold winters working on my basketball game. All the days and nights when it may have been raining, or snow on the ground, but I would still go out there and shoot baskets. The practices she had to drive me to before I could drive. The summer camps she signed me up for when I didn’t know the camps existed. All the injuries that she endured watching me suffer in pain.

She had watched me develop and thought I still had some growth as a player. It was great advice. I went back to school and got ready for an unbelievable senior year. For me it was an incredible year. I had a spiritual

awakening in the fall of my senior year and became a Christian. It was my best year as a player and we won the NAIA National Championship in the spring of 1986. I am glad I listened to my mom. She was able to see something that I could not see and it changed the course of the rest of my life. I often thought would I would have missed out on if I had not listened to my mom’s advice. What would I have missed out on and where would I be today? I am glad I don’t have to think about that consequence because it would have been a monumental mistake to not go back and play my senior year. Thanks mom.

Do not forget that the one commandment of the Ten Commandments talks about honoring your parents comes with a promise:

Exodus12:20 "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.  But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”  Mark Twain

2 . Work so hard you make an impression, but don’t try to impress.

There is a big difference in making an impression and trying to impress others. People will take notice of how hard you work and how efficient you are without you telling them. As you get older you will understand that people spot a phony a mile a way. It may take time, but the person that is not doing the work usually is exposed. You make an impression on your teachers, parent, coaches and bosses by your effort and production, not by sucking up.

If you try to impress people in your career you will find yourself constantly dissatisfied because you will be climbing the up the wrong ladder. As someone that is a both a boss and employee, I realize that it is a waste of time to try to fool people. You make an impression by the work you produce and nothing more. If you do your job and do what you are told on time you will make the impression you want to make. Talking about the job I am going to do is not the answer. Employers want to see results not just talking about what you are going to get done.

I do not need someone to tell me how hard they work or how hard they are going to work. It will show up in their production. In the summer most of our players have some freedom and they do not have strict workout plan. They can go back home or stay around our campus in order to work. They also can work out daily with our strength and conditioning coach. Each player that does not stay in town is sent home with a workout book. Whether they the workout or not every day I do not really have an accurate way to know. What I do know is that once we start conditioning at the beginning of school the ones that worked will beat the other players out for playing time.

Basketball is a skill sport and it takes time to work on your skill if you want to improve. You have to also hone your skills if you want to get better than your opponent. Most basketball players love to work on shooting. They enjoy getting into the gym and working out if it involves shooting the basketball.

Some of our players come from different economic backgrounds. Each guy does not have the same access to a gym as other guys may have. I have learned over time that it is hard to have a strict rule and expect guys to carry out a specific shooting routine in the summer time. As far as giving our guys a shooting program or shooting routine I know that each guy has a completely different set of circumstances. Some of them have easy access to a gym where they can get in there and have the space to work on their shooting on their own. Some are fortunate just to be able to find an open gym to find a place for a couple of hours. Each guy has a different set of circumstances. I decided long ago that I wasn’t going to enforce something that would then force guys to be dishonest. I had to trust we recruited the right kind of players and they were hungry enough and they would be working on their game throughout the summer. It may be in a gym individually going through a specific shooting routine or it may be in competition against some of the local players. If I have to worry about whether or not they are working on their game in the summer then I have recruited the wrong players.

I have kids tell me all the time how much time they have put in or what they have done to get better. What they tell me makes no difference. When we begin practice and conditioning at the beginning of school we will see who is in shape and who improved over the summer.

Bosses are not interested in showing someone else up on the job or gossiping about employees that are not doing their job so well. When you run the company, you can have the kind of people working for you that can fix problems. Usually you start out with a job at the bottom of the totem pole job. You move up by doing your work as well as you possibly can, not by showing up other people or pulling people down the totem pole.

There will always be people trying to impress the person in charge. You can not worry about those people. The ones that you know are phony eventually everyone else will know the same thing you know. If all they are doing is trying to make an impression they will fall down ultimately. Work hard, be on time, be responsible and do not complain then you will make a great impression.

In the coaching profession, there are many young coaches trying to move up the food chain. Each time a young coach asks for advice I tell them the same thing, “Prepare yourself and do not try to position yourself.” Too many young coaches think they can position themselves for the next big job and then

“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” Colin Powell

once they get there they realize that they are not ready. It may be that way in a lot of professions, but you need to spend the time getting ready for your next job or next promotion by working as hard as you can at the job you have. Do not be the type of person that is always trying to maneuver to the top without paying your dues at the bottom. By going about your career path that way will leave you unprepared when your chance does present itself.

While I was an NCAA Division I assistant coach each July we had a recruiting period that coaches were on the road for over three and half weeks. For most of us, it was a fun time. You traveled all over the country in a t-shirt and shorts and watched kids play basketball all day long.

For colleges and universities that are recruiting at a high level they already know their recruits and the kids they want to sign. It turned out that July was not really recruiting, but we would call it “babysitting.” Coaches want to make you sure they kept in close proximity with their prized recruits.

It is an opportunity for the recruiters to be seen by the recruits at each game. Coaches position themselves so the young men you are recruiting know that you are at their game to watch them play. All the coaches wear t-shirts that have big school logos on the front. You try to position so that you were near the floor or least close enough to be seen by those who mattered in the recruiting battle. You make sure to visit with the player’s coach following the game so he would also know we were in attendance. With today’s rules you are not longer allowed to talk with the coaches at the games.

It was a game within the game to see as many kids as you could, but also to be seen by as many kids as you could. There were a couple of events every summer held in Memphis simultaneously. One coach in particular from a major program used to give some of us a good laugh. He was smaller guy, but he made sure to get a large car from the rental car company, usually a Cadillac. He would go from gym to gym and made sure to time it just right in order that he could see as many players as possible. He would show up after the game was over, but he would pretend that he was at the game the entire time. He would come up after the game shake the coach’s hand and make sure the recruit was close by. “I wouldn’t miss you guys play for anything,” he would say. ”Michael sure looked good out there today. I am going to be at every game you guys play,” he might add. Other coaches knew what a phony the coach was and it was a shame because he was a hard worker. He didn’t have to try to make himself out to look good. Even when I see or hear of the coach today I can’t get the image out of my mind. The funny thing is he has had some success in coaching. Deep down I wonder what he thinks about himself.

Instead of doing his job and doing the best he could, he had to try and make

himself look good even to the point of being dishonest. He may have fooled the kid and the coach, but he did not fool himself. He was too busy trying to make a name for himself that in the process he developed a reputation. Instead of just being himself he tried to put on a persona that taught me a valuable lesson. It is important that you be true to yourself and work hard. That makes enough of an impression that others will definitely see in you.

Remember what Abraham Lincoln said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.”

Each day think of the impression you are leaving not who you need to impress. If you are good at what you do and you are valuable the people around you will definitely notice. You can let your work and your actions do all the talking. They will speak loud and clear.

“My dad told me when I went into high school, 'It's not what you do when you walk in the door that matters. It's what you do when you walk out.' That's when you've made a lasting impression.”Jim Thome

3. Be Slow to Speak and Quick to Listen

James 1:19”My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

How important it is to have a listening ear. Be prepared to listen when a friend needs to talk. If a friend starts to pour out their heart and is discussing a deep problem that is not the time to complain about your own small problems.

Remember all of us think that our problems are monumental and if you allow enough people to share their heart, you will in time realize that your problems are not such a big deal. We will talk a lot in this book about improving your listening skills. It is important for your career and your success in relationships to be a super listener. Most of us have something on our heart we want to share; we are just waiting for someone to listen. Be a person that is a great listener and try to make that a strong part of your personality.

Something inside us wants to speak up more than we want to listen. We want to be heard. That is a reason for the success of such things as Facebook and MySpace. Those are avenues where people can be heard.

Take a week and practice your listening skills. Did you hear the classroom assignment clearly? Did you accurately hear what your boss was trying to explain for you to do in your job? Did you accurately listen to what your parents were trying to tell you on the phone? Did you catch the hints from a close friend that they needed some time and someone to talk with? Did you hear what your coach was trying to tell you at practice?

Watch for one week if you don’t begin to hear things a little bit different. Instead of trying to get a word in to make your point or to make a comment, take that little bit of time to make yourself listen more intently. You will notice the difference.

When a teacher or employer is giving you instructions don’t assume you know what they are going to say. Clearly get the assignment then move on. Nothing is more frustrating for a teacher, coach or employer to take time to explain things in detail and the person on the other end just does what they thought they heard and not really what they heard.

I find myself all the time explaining things I take for granted the person on the other end can either read my mind or can figure out the assignment. This happens frequently when you deal with assistant coaches, student assistant coaches or when giving an assignment to your team. You will explain something and then when you are ready for the task to be completed and you go and check on things you find out it did not get completed. Not because of the listener’s fault. It is my fault that they don’t get the message. I take for granted that they are listening, but I need to make sure they are listening There are many times my message does not go through because of my poor communication skills.

Some of our players will be passive listening. We will always announce our next meeting time or practice time and the end of that day’s practice. Inevitably there will be a player that did not get the memo and will ask 10

minutes later. “What time are we leaving?” “What time is practice?” “What time are we meeting?”

We have found the easiest way is to type it out, put it in their locker, post it somewhere and then depend on them to be responsible and mature (and send a text to remind them).

When a parent is trying to make a point don’t automatically in your mind close them off to what they are trying to say. Allow them to finish a statement. I tell my own kids and my players often that instead of them trying to get their objection in let me finish what I am trying to say. It takes longer to let them start to argue than it does to let me complete what I was going to say. Saying “I know, I know” is just delaying the communication process. Let the person say what they need to say and it allows them to finish their thought. Sometimes in life you just need to nod your head and move on. You would be amazed at how far a “yes”, “yes, sir”, “no”, “no sir” will get you instead of trying argue or feel like you have to have the last word.

(FYI for guys “Yes dear” are the two most important words you will need to say after “I do” once you get married. You learn to say “yes dear and pick up after yourself you will have it made)

When a friend is giving you subtle hints they need to talk, you need to have your antennas up and be ready to listen. At my age if someone tries to contact me more than a few times over a couple days and we don’t connect over the phone or in person I need to make sure that person is ok. You will learn a valuable lesson in life when you realize that there are a lot of hurting people out there needing someone to talk to. There are also a lot of hurting people in your circle of friends. There are a lot of hurting people in your family. Be ready to listen.

Do you have a friend that lacks self-confidence? Do you have a friend that has an addiction? Do you have a person that has suffered a tragedy in the last 12 months? Do you have a friend who recently went through a bad break up? Do you have friend that failed at something they really like to do? Be aware of your friends who need that listening ear, that shoulder to cry on or that person who needs prayer. Be in tune to those around you and to what they are going through. It will make the relationships that much stronger.

We started to adapt a quote from Tom Izzo, the head men’s basketball coach at Michigan State University. It applies to so many situations work, church, teams, families, marriages, you name it and this motto is appropriate:

“Learn to listen and listen to learn."

Our softball coach at Belhaven, Rick Fremin, gave me great coaching advice that he uses with his players. Coach Fremin was an outstanding football player here at Belhaven and was recently inducted into our Hall of Fame for his play here as a quarterback. He told me about his “one minute meetings”. Just walking around and checking up on his players for quick “one minute meetings.” This can take place during water break or while they are stretching asking how they are doing in a particular class or checking up on a family member. Some players are just more naturally going to open up and talk. Other players are going to keep things close to the vest and that is ok. The important thing is to be there to listen. It is not a time for me to preach to them, but just to let them know I am there and willing to listen. For me when I was at that age I really needed someone just to take an interest. I wasn’t the easiest person to get close to and didn’t invite others in, but looking back I could have really used those “check ins.”

One friend named Jack White became my “check in” friend. Jack was an admission counselor at Lipscomb University (formerly David Lipscomb College) while I was a student. One summer during our basketball camps our coach, Don Meyer, asked Jack to give a motivational speech to our camp.

Jack had given speeches during chapel where Coach Meyer had seen him speak. Jack had a great sense of humor and somehow through our camps we became good friends. Then during the school year I would stop by his office on campus. His office was conveniently located by the cafeteria and my dorm. It was an easy stop off to see if he was in and to visit. Most days when I went in he would be working hard (reading the sports page). We began to have good discussion about the Christian life my sophomore year. I would ask him question about the Bible and we would have very deep talks. Jack got me to talk. He listened. I talked a lot about my life and the struggles I had up unto that point. For almost two years we talked and talked before I finally told Jack that I wanted to become a Christian. Our talks and studying the Bible had made me realize that I was missing something big in my life.

I was in need of someone just to listen to me at that age. I didn’t realize at the time how much of a listener I needed at that particular point along my path. Maybe if it wasn’t Jack there would have been someone else, but I will never know. All I know is that Jack was there and he listened. To him I am eternally grateful. I hope I can be that kind of listener.

With our players I may call them up to the office if I know they are struggling and just let them talk. If I know a player is upset I will call them in and my first objective is to let them “vent”. I have found over the years if we are having a conflict or if a player is in conflict with another player it is best just to sit and listen to them first before giving my two cents. Most people are much more willing to listen after they have been listened to first. Sometimes

letting them get everything out is all they need. By letting someone get things off their chest first it can defuse the situation. A lot of the time all they want is for someone to let them get it out.

So if you want someone to listen to your great ideas and great wisdom, you might want to put on your listening ears first. It will do wonders for your communication. As you make the move in transition you will find each transition much easier by listening first and speaking second.

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.”  Doug Larson

4 . Pick your friend the way you would pick a car.

As you get older you will have more choices in whom your friends are and who you hang around. In elementary school or middle school, you may be friends with kids that live close by or go to the same school or church or play on the same athletic team. When you get older, you can be more selective. You have the ability to be careful and pick who you want to be around and those you do not want to be around.

Whether you like it or not you will be judged by the people you hang around. You say “that’s not fair”. Nobody said life is fair. It’s not fair so get used to it. But I do agree it’s not fair that we judge other people by who they hang around. Unfortunately that is how our world operates. So as long as you understand the rules you know how to play the game. Now pick your friends wisely.

You would not want to put money into something that is unreliable to drive so why pick a friend that you don’t know what you are going to get from day to day? Most adults can tell a story of having a car some point in life that they just hoped would start each time the key was put in the ignition. Once the car started, it was a relief until the next time you had to start the car again. Time after time if it wasn’t the engine it could be something else.

Most of us had a first car that had problems. We would almost beg and pray for the car to make it to Point A to Point B. Then the next day the cycle would start all over again. You knew the car did not have a lot of life left, but you wanted to milk it for everything it had. If you have not had this kind of a car you are missing a real character builder.

Friends are the same way. Pick those friends that are going to be reliable

and you know what you are going to get. This is not saying they have to be perfect, just know what you have with their friendship. When you invest in a friendship if it is not reciprocated you may have to move on and develop friendships with other people. You can’t let certain individuals get you down and you can not let them destroy your confidence.

You must also know that there will be times when the relationships with friends will be strained and will be tested. If you are expecting your friends to be available and to be there for you, there is that possibility of getting let down. You know that people are not perfect and it is unfair to expect your friends to be perfect. There is probably going to be conflict and let-downs in the friendship at some point, but that doesn’t mean the friendship had to be over. Be prepared to weather the storm if the friendship has any rocky events you have to get through.

You must remember that your personality can be shaped by whom you hang around. Whether you believe it or not your friends are a match and an insight to who you are. If you don’t like the way you act and look you probably should check to see who your friends are. You have heard since you were little and will continue to hear about choosing good friends. It is one of the keys of being on target with where you want to be in life.

I know if I am around friends of mine that try are positive and care about other people it naturally rubs off onto me. If I am around people who are negative and selfish, that is going to rub off on me. Even as you get older your friends still influence who you are. I have been around enough different schools to see teachers and coaches who are good for each other because of their work ethic and attitude. There are teachers and coaches who really care about the kids they get to work with and overlook the little annoyances that are a part of every school. I have also seen the opposite in teachers and coaches who have bad attitudes and look at things through a negative lens and have a poor work ethic.

Who you are around on a constant basis is contagious. Are you the type of friend that is contagious in a positive way or negative way? What do you add to the relationship?

I heard our preacher in Montgomery, Alabama, John Smith use this illustration back in the earlier 90’s and I have used it ever since. It has lost a little of it’s meaning because we don’t use pay phones as much today.

He talked about being a “quarter friend”. When you are down to your last quarter and you have to call someone for help who do you call to come and help you? If it that quarter was all you had and you only could make that one call from the pay phone who would you pick up the phone and call?

Then next thing is to ask yourself if there were people that were your close friends and they were down to their last quarter who would they call? How many of your friends would use their last quarter to make that phone call to you? How many of your friends would think you would be that reliable and that dependable to count on that they would use their last quarter for you?

In this book and in my talks I will discuss my cancer. There is part of me that does not like to bring it up since I have lost my mother to cancer in 2009 and brother to cancer in 1984. Their ordeals were much tougher. They had to go through long sessions of chemotherapy and other forms of treatment to try beat the cancer they had. You will hear in this book of my cancer and some of the trials, but I in no way had to endure what my mother and brother did.

I bring up the cancer because of the story of friendship. When I was diagnosed in June of 2000 I had three kids and we tried to set the surgery up as quickly as possible. We notified my family and some of our friends in Tuscaloosa where we were living. Since I was coaching at the University of Alabama I knew the word would get out in the coaching fraternity. I wasn’t really excited about making it public knowledge anyway.

We had the surgery on a Tuesday morning and had to stay in the hospital for a few days to recover. Around Friday afternoon I quickly lifted up out of my hospital bed and anxiously said to my wife, “I forgot to call Andy.” Andy Lane was one of my best friends since college and we were roommates for a short time after I graduated while living in Nashville.

Andy was the type of guy that would always be there for you and you could count on him as a “quarter friend.” We had many hilarious stories together. My mom used to get such a kick out of Andy that she would make me tell “Andy Lane stories” whenever I came to visit her in Chattanooga. Especially if she had visitors that made it all the more reason for her to ask me to tell “Andy Lane stories.”

I was embarrassed that I didn’t call Andy about my surgery. I sat there for a minute and thought about what to do next. The story on my cancer had also been in the Nashville paper so Andy had probably seen the news or at least had the information. I felt bad about not telling him first. Still feeling the effects of the pain medication it was hard for me to have the energy to call Andy right then I asked my wife to remind me to contact him the following week.

Fortunately we had a lot of visitors during the week, but we were looking

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.” Author Unknown

forward to some peace and quiet on this Friday night. That night about 8:00pm there was a knock on our hospital door. In walked Andy Lane. He said was driving home from work and thought “I could go home or turn right and head to the interstate and make the drive to Tuscaloosa” (a 4 hour drive). It did not surprise me one bit when Andy had that decision to make whether to make the left hand turn and go home or make the right hand turn and come see a friend in need. That is the kind of person you want as a friend that they would be in the car and think, “Ok, if I turn right it is a four hour drive, but I need to see…..in the hospital.”

He stayed the night and slept on a cot in the room. He ate the wonderful hospital food and man he really lifted my spirits. The night visiting with Andy was indeed special, but the act of friendship is something I will never forget. The “Andy Lane’s” in the world are few and far between. Andy knows the value of friendship and knows what it means to be there for someone in need. Pick your friends wisely and when you pick make sure to pick an Andy Lane type friend.

“It is wonderful to have friends that last for a lifetime because they have grown up together and have so much in common, Many times, due to different circumstances, these friendships are no longer. It is then time to make new friends that you can share good times with, and trust to be loyal and honest, as well as sincere. Picking the right friends is not easy and it takes a bit of searching to find them.” http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-Your-Friends

“You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.”Jim Rohn

5. Get on the right bus

In the summer of 2005 I had the enjoyment of working a basketball camp at Duke University. My son attended the camp and I worked as a camp coach. We had a blast together as father and son staying in the dorm and eating in the cafeteria while getting to be part of great basketball camp. Mike

Krzyzewski (Coach K) is the head men’s basketball coach at Duke University and has had enormous success as the coach there. In addition to winning four NCAA National Championships (1991, 1992, 2001, 2010) he also led the Men’s Basketball team to the Gold Medal in the 2008 Olympics. Coach K would speak to the big group of campers and coaches each day in their main basketball arena, Cameron Indoor Stadium each day after lunch.

One afternoon he told a story from his childhood and growing up that goes right along with making the right choices. When Coach Krzyzewski moved up from junior high school to high school he had to take a new route to school and this meant a new bus route. He grew up in the inner city of Chicago and had to take a regular city bus to school and not a school bus. It struck a chord with me because my mother had to do the same thing by taking the city bus to school growing up in Detroit on Six Mile Road.

This meant he would have to take one bus to a certain point then transfer to another bus to take him to his destination. As he was heading out the door for his first day of high school, his mom called out to him and said, “Make sure you get on the right bus, Mike”.

He rolled his eyes like most high school kids when hearing something from their parents. The thought went through his mind “I know how to get on the bus get to school.” Coach K told the campers that is not what his mother meant. She meant it was important that he got on the right bus by hanging around the right people and doing the right thing. The temptations in high school were going to be more intense. The consequences would be deeper also. She was telling him to make the right choices by getting on the “right bus.” She made sure he knew that some people drive the bus to the wrong place and get themselves and others in trouble

One of the difficulties in growing up is choosing friends. If you had to make a list: “Top Ten important things to do in life” choosing your friends would be near the top of that list. If you ask older people with wisdom and insight they are going to tell you to be careful who you hang around. This is where it gets difficult. When we are in our teenage and young adult years we can get very defensive and argumentative with other people about our friends. These arguments can especially be heated if the discussion happens to be with our parents or guardians. We will want to stick up for them if someone is talking bad about them. If someone says that they are a bad influence or that they are a “bad apple” we can get very protective about our own friends.

What we lose sight of at a young age is the people that are part of our family or that are close to us want the best for our lives. They want us to be around the best influences possible. Anything less than perfect and your parents aren’t going to be pleased. That’s an extreme, but you get the point. They want you around positive influences in your school, in your church, in your

neighborhood, on your team and anywhere else that you will be around people your own age.

It is a fear of most parents that their own kids will get messed up with the wrong crowd. So if you feel like your parents are freaking out you can understand that nearly every parent comes from the same point of view. Parents are going to be more judgmental about the kids you are with than they are going to judge other kids. Kids that don’t come in contact with you are of no consequence to them. Your parents are only concerned about the ones you are with on a daily or regular basis. Give them a chance to voice their opinion. Instead of letting it turn it an argument hear them out then explain what you like about the friends you have and be able to defend why they are a good influence. If you can defend their positive influence on you then your parents should be able to rest a little bit easier.

You must understand parents will always want what it best for you and sometimes that can cloud their judgment. Even so, they might have some good points to make and can keep you out of some trouble down the road if you give your parents the time to share their concerns.

Every transition in life you make and even every situation you are in now ask yourself the following questions:

What kind of bus am I getting you on? What are the people like on that bus? What influence and what bus are you driving?

Write down on a list the positive qualities you have. Put down on paper the things you do well and the parts of your personality that will draw other people to you.

Then write on the list the negative qualities about other people that you want to stay away from in your life. Figure out how to lead others with the positive parts of your personality and how to avoid getting on the wrong bus by hanging around the people that you know have a negative influence on your life.

The buses you ride in life will take you where you want to go. Those same buses can take you to places that can get you in trouble. Make sure before you get on the bus you know where the bus in going.

"You are the same today that you will be five years from now except for two things-the people you meet and the books you read."Charles “Tremendous” Jones

“Do not follow where the path may lead.  Go, instead, where there is no path

and leave a trail. “Ralph Waldo Emerson

6 . Think about someone else.

It is amazing what happens when you think about others first. You get involved in their situation and what they may be going through. It begins to take the focus off what issues you have in your own life.

We are here not just to live a life that is just pleasing to us, but we are also here to help other people through the trials of life and also through the transitions in life. You will find energy and excitement by helping other people. It could be someone less fortunate or a good friend. Who they are and what they do does not matter. Something about helping someone else is gratifying. It becomes even more special if no one else knows about the good deed. As a young person you are in such transitions, but that is when you dig down and find ways to help others you will be glad you did.

We have a young man on our team at Belhaven University that graduated in 2010, John Jibol, who is one of the Lost Boys of Sudan. His story is amazing for what he has had to persevere. At a young age he had to run for his life through the jungle to get to freedom. His dad and a two of his brothers have been killed in the war in his country. In the last couple of years both his mother and another brother have died.

Because of the unrest, John cannot get back home and then get back out of the country quickly. He does all he can to help his family by working a job in the summer and on weekends during the school year so he can send as much money back home as he can. He also has to provide for his own meals and housing while he is a student here. He gets by with basketball scholarship, federal aid and student loans, but it is still tough on him.

John is one of the nicest and most humble persons you will ever meet. It has been good to see how many people have stepped up to help him here

“The greatness of Jesus Christ promised for those who serve is reserved for those who give to give. The folks who give to get are traders, not givers, and they raise a family of traders to follow them”Joe White

around our campus. He is helping his family back home and we have concerned people here that are doing all they can to help him. It is fun to see how much our team cares about John. They would do anything to help him and want him to succeed so badly. Each time John has had a setback his teammates have stepped up and been there for him emotionally.

In the 20 years of coaching John is one of the most caring and team oriented players I have been around. He cares about the other guys and not for himself first. How he stays some positive is a constant encouragement to me. As a coach, I get to see it everyday how much people can think about others and have that joy in their own life. John is one without question the player with the most unique background of any player I have coached. Also he has come from the toughest background. The special thing is he is also the most sincere and appreciative young athletes I have ever been fortunate to coach. He is always asking about my family and thanking me for the opportunity we are giving him. We should be thanking him for the blessing it is to have him in our program. He sets a great attitude. If our players ever complain I can subtly remind them of how good they have it and if they do not believe me then go talk with John.

He did not set any school records or become an All American, but his impact while here at our school is tremendous. Never before I have I had more people ask me off the floor about John and maybe I won’t have any like him again. He is one of the most unassuming people I have been around. The thing about his humility is that he is always willing to help and concerned for others. He is totally there for other people.

This spring John made some of the biggest progress he has made academically and it was one of my biggest thrills in coaching. I have been able to be around great players, great teams and great environments for the game of basketball, but this was one of the most heart-warming moments when he did so well academically and was able to graduate. He has had so much to overcome and he does not complain. The kids that come to our summer and winter basketball camps love to be on one of the teams that John is coaching. The parents love having him around and you can see how contagious his humble spirit can be to a group. He exemplifies the phrases “team player” and “serving others”. I hope that you have some John Jibol’s in your life to be such an example.

Here is an article that appeared in the Jackson Clarion Ledger Sunday October 1, 2006 about John. This was written by one of the best writers in the state of Mississippi and Belhaven alum Orley Hood

It's been almost 17 years since he's seen his mother, John Jibol, 23, says.

He's sitting in the stands at Charles R. Rugg Arena on the Belhaven College campus during a break in basketball practice. But his mind is in Sudan, Africa's largest country, where what's left of his family - those who have not been killed in a genocidal civil war - remains.

He talked to her on the telephone. "Mama," he said, "I want to come home."

"No," she said. "You finish school first." "But Mama, I need to see you." "No. Not now. Stay in school."

When he speaks of his mother, of his father who was killed, of two brothers who died in 1996 in separate skirmishes, a faraway veil slips over his face.

He's a little boy again, running from war, living in refugee camps, taking cover in Ethiopia, returning home for two months, and then racing for his life again, this time to Kenya.

For the young in Africa, sometimes the best that can be hoped for is a narrow escape, through desert and jungle, across rivers teeming with crocodiles, away from civil wars and genocide and hunger and AIDS and malaria. You can't think about tomorrow when it's so hard to hang on to today. When you're running for your life, there's no room for school and basketball to squeeze their way into a boy's dreams.

EXODUS

Tom Kelsey, beginning his second season as Belhaven's basketball coach, looks down to the court and sees No. 55 warming up, getting loose, and he smiles. "He's a gift from God," Kelsey says, without the first hint of hyperbole in his voice.

It was spring 2005. He gets a call from an assistant coach at Mississippi State. You need a player? There's this guy down there ..."We're all set, full," Kelsey told him. Still ..."Then a week later Julie Mabus called about him. He was a refugee from Sudan. She'd seen him at church at St. Andrew's. I watched him work out at the YMCA on Fortification Street." He was 6-feet-6 and as raw as a stalk of celery.

For the Lost Boys of the Sudan, who swam for their lives across the Gila River, working on their low post moves was not a priority. There were, Mabus says, a former Mississippi first lady, 5,000 of them. In 2000, 67 of them came to Jackson.

They'd been caught in a war of attrition, racism, religious intolerance and economics - the Arabs of the North against the blacks, many of them Christian, in the oil-rich South. "The war created an exodus of 20,000 young

boys in 1987, as bombs were going off and the Arabs were annihilating villages," Mabus says. The idea was both comforting and chilling: To preserve the boys until they could mature into the South's army of the future.

"Many died along the way" to Ethiopia, she says. "They traveled at night - the North was hunting them in the daytime - in a straight line, and you could hear the lions picking them off at the end of the line. For four years they trained and were educated at a military refugee camp." Then the regime in Ethiopia fell "and the new government came down one night after them.”They've been through so much," Mabus says. "All they want to do is go home and see family." They didn't know who was alive back in the Sudan and who had evaporated into the mists of war. They swam across a swollen river, some surviving the crocs, some not.

"They lived in the desert for a month and half," Mabus says. "They had nothing to eat. Finally, the Red Cross found them and took them to Kakuma, on the border of Sudan and Kenya."For nine years they lived in the refugee camp. An English school was set up. The United Nations High Command for Refugees went about the business of finding the Lost Boys home countries, places without genocide, without crocs and lions, places with hope, where boys could be human beings again, where they could have futures.

Where, here, they could go to Bailey Magnet School in Jackson. And where one, John Jibol, could find a spot on Belhaven's basketball roster, where he could be No. 55, not a target for madmen half a world away.

A NEW WORLD

"When the boys came in, in the custody of the state, our program provided the services," says Barbara Pigott, director of social services with Catholic Charities in Jackson. "Most all the boys see education as their priority and they worked to support themselves and live in the community.

"Despite the language barriers, they've all excelled. It's just remarkable. They are so appreciative of everything because of where they came from." And because of what they've been through."Miss Julie helped us find tutors," Jibol says. "Catholic Charities have been a big help.

"He's polite, hard working, the favorite of a lot of the guys," Kelsey says. "He works at St. Dominic (hospital, in radiology) on the weekends to make money to send back to his mom. For him to have success would do wonders for his confidence. It's heartwarming." Mabus, seeing their courage, their steadfastness, their humbleness and their lack of bitterness, says, "These boys have changed my life. And Tom thinks John is magic."

But many battles remain.

Blood still runs in the streets of Darfur as the U.N. and western powers struggle with the notion of sending troops into the genocidal maelstrom. John Garanga, the father of the southern independence movement, died in a helicopter accident, putting 2005's peace agreement at risk.

In the meantime, for John Jibol, life is school and work, with basketball in the afternoons and deep dreams of home at night. After graduation 2 1/2 years from now,

"I try to go back and help people back there," he says, and to see the mother he aches for who he's not laid eyes on since he was 6. "I pray to God," he says. "I pray for the people back there."

Acts 20:35 “In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

7. Do not decide your future today

Your future is a long way off. Take your time and be patient concerning situations affecting your long-term future. We use a phrase with our team from a leader in the business world, Jim Rohn, as a slogan with our basketball team.

Ouch! That makes sense when faced with the temptations we all face. The pain of discipline shows how important it is to think things through and to not go for a temporary pleasure. The temporary pleasures are the ones which cause us to have long-term pain of regret.

In athletics we tell our players to work hard now in conditioning, strength training and skill development to see a pay off. That is the pain of discipline: putting the time in to see a result. It is being able to stick to a goal in order to have long term pay off. The regret is not being able to hold to a disciplined plan and committed mindset.

When a season is over and an athletic team falls short of their goal team members and coaches look back and usually ask themselves, “Did I do all I could to help us reach our goal?” Most of the time there is a pain of regret because players and coaches think back to what more they could have done to help the team reach the goal. Usually after falling short of a goal there is immediate soul searching with questions like, “where did I go wrong?” or “could I have worked harder?”

Always remember that your future lasts a long time. Something that sounds good, feels good, or has a grip on your friends does not mean it is your best interest for the long run. You are the one that has to look out for your future.

Any athlete wanting to reach a certain goal has to have the pain of discipline otherwise they can not experience the joy of reaching their stated or intended goal. They have to constantly be disciplined and not get involved with things harming their body. They have to give up time with friends and time with family to get better at their particular sport. There are early mornings and late nights working on improving their skills as well as getting their body in peak physical shape. If they are not willing to put the time in they will fall short of their goal or goals. I have yet to see a player that did not put the time in, but reached their goals. There are some talented players and athletes capable of doing incredible things, but they can not get where they want to be to without the pain of discipline.

We have all had the pain of regret:We drive too fast and we get a ticket. We don’t turn an assignment in on time and we get points taken off. We don’t pay a bill on time and we get a late fee. We don’t return a phone call in time and miss out on free tickets to a

big event. We ignore our friends and then when we need someone to help us they

are not there.

Here is how Rohn puts it, “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”

We sleep in and are late for an important appointment.

Constantly remind yourself of the pain of discipline and the pain of regret. Take a piece of paper and write down what areas your discipline has paid off for you:

1. What has made you proud because of your discipline?2. What is something you see yourself being able to achieve in the

future because of your ability to be disciplined?3. What is the area of being disciplined that comes easiest for you and

what is the most difficult?Make a list of areas of your life that are causing you the pain of regret.

1. What areas of your life give you the most problems and make you face the pain of regret?

2. What do you find yourself upset about on a consistent basis because of the pain of regret?

3. What is an area of regret that can make the biggest turnaround today by changing?

I grew up in a nice neighborhood and one of my favorite things in the world was to shoot baskets by myself in the driveway. Now this is a great way to practice and improve. It can help you in your skill development and in the fundamentals. It can also allow you to gain confidence by repeating the same move over and over and having success.

What is does not give you is game like competition. I liked to have the music going and to be able to be out in the driveway shooting. We lived at the top of the hill on a cul-de-sac. For a long time there were no other houses built near our house because the other lots weren’t the kind of lots you would put a house. It gave us a lot of privacy in a middle class neighborhood, but it also allowed me to be lazy. Why drive 20-30 minutes to another gym to shoot and practice when I can work out right here in the driveway?

The biggest mistake I ever made in my basketball career was not pushing myself harder and not going against tougher competition. I worked hard and put all the time necessary to train: conditioning, weight training and skill work. It wasn’t that I was afraid of the time commitment or hard work. I was scared of something else.

We all fight “gremlins” in our own life. The “gremlin” may be fear, may be insecurity or it may be lack of confidence. Whatever the case we all have fears and we all have safe places. I choose a safe place. I now have the pain of regret because I wasn’t bold (or as I would tell my players; tough enough) to drive 20-30 minutes to find the best basketball games and competition in town. I could have made some great relationships. I could have expanded my game. Maybe I could have improved or maybe I could have stayed the same. Fear will cause you to do many things. I tell our basketball campers

every summer and every winter that my fear has caused me the pain of regret. Yes, I was fortunate to play on the NAIA National Championship team which was a dream and goal, but it doesn’t compare to the pain of regret.

I can look back on my career with a certain bit of emptiness. I wish I could write to you as someone having a lot of answers and solutions. Unfortunately, I come to you broken and wanting other people to not make the same mistakes. Through a lot of prayer I am trying to become a person that does not live in regret or with guilt. Maybe I was able to get every ounce of ability out of my body possible. Even as I write that line I know it is not true. I could have worked harder and smarter. I would not trade one minute of my playing career with anyone else. Every experience was meant for me and was there for me to enjoy or to have some bit of regret. It is a lesson that has taught me well over the years. Definitely the situation has made me a better coach and recruiter. It has allowed me to understand to go for the recruits and see who you can get. Don’t regret later what you could have accomplished earlier. “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.”Unknown 

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.”Abraham Lincoln

8. Have a moral compass

As you get older, you are going to be challenged more and more about what you believe and what you stand for in your belief system. Don’t begin to think you will be challenged less as you grow up. The challenges will only increase and a different type of peer pressure will emerge. It is astounds me how we lose our morals and forget to follow what we know is right.

A real compass shows you the direction you are headed so if we get lost it can point us in the right direction. We all have a moral compass inside us directing us the right way to go and telling right thing to do in different circumstances. Our moral compass deep inside will show us the way, but we must use the compass in order to not get lost. We allow ourselves to get lost because of our lack of following directions.

It is important to know what you are going to stand for and how your moral compass is going to direct your path. Your moral compass will come in handy when you have already decided ahead of time how you are going to handle a temptation or an attack on your belief system.

Do not think, as you get older your life will get easier as far as temptations. You will be tempted as much when you are older as when you are a youth. The issues hit all of us they are just disguised differently to each and every individual. To some it may be a certain temptation and to another person it is something completely different.

We all will face temptations at an early age. They come at you faster and in a way you are not prepared for in most circumstances. You must have a firm foundation in God’s word and a daily prayer life that can lead you in the right direction.

Friends of mine and people I know lose their course and direction that you would never expect to lose their way. This can be anything from leaving their family to getting involved in something illegal. They lose their career and

family life by getting away from the basics of their moral compass. Things they never thought they would do are suddenly causing them long-term harm.

In athletics we see athletes who want to do everything to stay sharp and stay ahead of the game. They get involved in steroids or other enhancing drugs that they think will improve their performance when it is only going to give problems down the road physically and legally.

In business, you see it with individuals or companies that start cutting corners. These businesses get away with something small and it then its gets bigger and bigger until they are eventually are caught. They did not go to school to learn how to be illegal, but they were without their moral compass and it is ends up costing them.

I have asked people that were involved in companies that uncovered big problems with moral and legal within their organization. Also I have had the chance to visit with people who have worked with politicians that have been successful for a period of time, but then hit a bump in the road. I have seen coaches have success then come stumbling down.

In each of these situations as I have asked and asked and tried to dig as far as I could the answers usually came back the same. What happened was they got away with a little so they tired a little bit more. That worked, so they tried a little bit more. Once that worked they kept getting greedy until they thought they couldn’t get caught.

Stay with your moral compass. If you have to find a friend that can keep you on the right path then stick by that friend. Many men and women have accountability partners. This accountability partner is someone that you can be open with and share things and not worry about the trust being broken. They are friends you can lean on and meet with on and regular basis to stay on target.

At a young age, if you can have someone to keep you on the right path you will keep yourself from many problems down the road. This could be a youth pastor, a friend, a relative. It could be anyone who you can trust and who can keep you honest.

Do this today: Begin to make a list of people that you feel can keep you accountable. Being held accountable means people who keep you on the right path and they will be honest with you. Then meet with this person or persons periodically and allow them to ask you the tough questions.

What areas do you need in accountability? It could be with, gossip, mistreating others, not being honest, pornography not studying, not

accepting authority, losing focus or whatever the area. Find the person that can ask you if you have stayed true this past week, the past two weeks or the past month. If you want to grow and realize your true potential, you have to get rid of the bad habits that can keep you from reaching your goals in life. An accountability partner can give you great feedback and will help you stay the course.

You must in your heart decide at an early age that you will follow your moral compass and do the right thing. I have seen many strong men get blindsided because at some point they dropped their guard and once they dropped their guard the moral compass was lost. You have to keep your guard up and protect your moral compass. It will guide you and protect from a lifetime of trouble and bringing on a lifetime of trouble for other people.

I had a friend that was leaving his wife for his an old girl friend. He was leaving three small kids and his wife so he could be,” happy”. I hope he found happiness. Working with kids and in my own life I want to know who is going to be there to provide the lifetime of counseling his children and his ex wife are probably going to need. Who is going to be there trying to provide the next generation of his family with the moral compass? If you leave your moral compass behind other people along the path get hurt as well as yourself.

There once was an American Express commercial and the tag line was “American Express-don’t leave home without it.” Same with your moral compass-don’t spend a day without it.

Proverbs 16:9 “In his heart a man plans the course, but the Lord determines his steps.”

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.”John Wesley

9. “Love going to work, love coming home”

My dad, David H. Kelsey, has very simple life advice, “Have a job you love going to work in the morning and a life you enjoy coming home to at night.

His statements are simple, but profound. Like most parents, he tends to repeat himself. I always try to seem impressed by his great wisdom. I have heard him say this on more than one occasion. As I get older I do believe in the statement more and more.

My dad is a divorce attorney, so most of clients that come in his office are not happy with their home life. People that have a bad marriage or difficulty at home will most often it carry it over to their job place of employment. Misery in one area of your life can lead to misery in another area of your life.

My daughter, Brynne, calls it our family the “stress train.” As soon as one person gets stressed in our house we seem to pass it to another and before you know it we have started a “stress train” created by unnecessary worry. My dad decided a long time ago that he was going to love going to work and have a life away from the office that he enjoyed coming home to at night. As a coach, parent of four kids and a loving wife, it is great to get in the car and not regret my drive into work or my drive home.

I feel sorry for those unable to benefit from both of these gifts. My drive to work is relaxing and my drive home is enjoyable because I get to spend it with people I love. I love going to work and I love going home at the end of the day.

So many people think they have to be in either a high profile or lucrative paying job in order for it be a first-class job. Ask people you know who have been in the working world and they will tell you that this is not true. At one point of my career I was able to coach in one of the top college basketball leagues in the country. It was competitive and we received a lot of attention locally and nationally. For three years I was an assistant coach at the University of Alabama. We played a great schedule and were able to travel all over the country. Compared to my other coaching jobs it was some of the least enjoyable time in my coaching career for a variety of reasons. Most of it was due to the high level of stress.

When I left the University of Alabama in the spring of 2001 I did not know what direction or what jobs I wanted to pursue. I had been coaching and teaching and that was all I knew. I was tired and burnt out from my cancer surgery the previous year. It turned out to actually be a good time to regain my strength emotionally and physically.

I went to a friend for critical career advice. This person had their doctorate in business administration and taught at the University of Alabama. In our first meeting I was given an assignment. Write the 10 things that I wanted in a job and come back the next week and we would go over the list. The next week when we met I was given the next assignment. This time I was to write down the four things I had to have in a job. Understand that writing down the 10 things you want is easy (you tend to put the superficial things down first). Most of the list is stuff we could live with or live without. When you are given the task to write down the four things you have to have it changes quite a bit. You have to think of what is really important in your life.

One of the first things I put down was work environment. Not money or fame, but a good place to work. You will be amazed at how many people do not have a pleasant work environment. It could be a boss, a co-worker, your boss’s boss or it could be a combination that makes your work place a tough

environment to work in and to flourish.Studies show the number one reason people leave their job is because of their boss. It can be a variety of reason associated with their boss, but that is reason number one. Most often that means work environment.

You will work different places throughout your life and I wish I could tell you that every place will be fun and the people you work with will want to see you do well. Unfortunately it is not always the case. You will find people are jealous of you or may not like you for unrealistic reasons. Some you can control, but most you cannot. When you find a job enjoyable to go to day in and day out you need to hang onto that job. If you have a boss you enjoy working for think twice before taking your next job.

As you get older, you will realize how important it is to love your job and to love your life away from work. There are many people that you see every day that can not say those two simple things. My college coach, Don Meyer, continually talked about having a passion with your occupation. He would say that if you did not have a deep passion you would never do something as well as you possibly could. He hammered home a lot of points to us about issues on and off the floor, but this one is imprinted into his players throughout their playing career. Most players that played for Coach Meyer can tell you that he stressed having a passion in your job and to this day think about that when they go about their day to day job.

I am an emotional person and I can get way up or way down. As I have gotten older, I have had to pray and learn how not be down so much. When you enter a classroom, gym or your job, you want to be the kind of person which gives people encouragement and not discouragement. We have all been around those who walk around with a frown all day long. They may even give the look as if they are mad at the world. Possibly they might just be mad the particular day you see them. Sometimes you have to “fake it until you make it” and convince yourself to be happy. It takes a little bit extra to be the type of person that enjoys their job every day. A little bit extra can get you where you want to be in your career. It is not being phony. It is adopting an attitude that says I am going to make the best of my situation no matter what the circumstances in my job.

When I get home, my family needs me emotionally to be in tune and physically to be available to help them. We all know people who you don’t know from day to day what you are going to get when you come in contact with them. They could have an up day or they could have down day. You kind of have to pick and choose times you want to be around those types of people. I do not want my kids thinking, “Well I wonder what kind of mood dad will come home in today?” I have to put the day away. Whether it is a problem with our team or any other problem at work, I have to be happy to be home and leave the other issues at the office. If our team wins or our

team loses an hour later my kids need me to be in tune with their life.

Make it a goal to try to be a bright light for your friends and family. You will see as you get older if “you can be happy going to work in the morning and happy coming home at night” you have a great life.

Romans 15:13“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”?

I Thessalonians 5:16“Be joyful always”.

“I feel sorry for the person who can't get genuinely excited about his work. Not only will he never be satisfied, but he will never achieve anything worthwhile.”Walter Chrysler

“Hey, I don't have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I failed as much as I have succeeded. But I love my wife. I love my life. And I wish you my kind of success.”Dicky Fox from the movie “Jerry McGuire”

10 . Meet the stranger

When I was in college, we had a daily chapel service. Each quarter you were assigned a chapel seat depending on your class schedule it was either at 10:00am or 11:00am. They would take roll from the balcony so you had to make sure you were in the correct seat. Most students would try to sign up at the beginning of the quarter to be seated around their friends or with a group of friends. Those who were dating would try to get their seats right next to their boyfriend or girlfriend.

I made up mind early on as a student that even though we were a small campus and I knew many people I would rather take a chance and get to know someone different each quarter. It was what I called my “potluck.” I never asked to have an assigned seat. I wanted to let the chips fall where they may and meet someone new.

It turned out to be a lot of fun and was good to meet new people each time a quarter started. It is important to find those people who are new to a situation (to school, to church or to a group of people). Everyone who comes into a new situation has nerves and can be anxious. If they have someone there to be nice to them it makes things that much more relaxed.

We all know what it is like to feel brand new or to feel out of place. When you are in a situation where you find yourself comfortable, but you see someone new or a new co-worker go out of your way to make them feel at home. Everyone has that fear of walking into a new place and not knowing anyone. Step up to the plate and be the type of person that seeks those people out and welcome them. People are usually squirming inside when they go to a new place. They can be dying on the inside and just yearning for someone to come and speak to them.

When I introduce myself to someone at church or any setting where I might meet someone new I try to find some common ground. Where are they from? What do they do as an occupation? What is their family like?

It has never failed when I have extended a hand or made an effort to meet

"I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like."Will Rogers

someone new I felt much better. Each time I meet that new person I feel like I have met a new friend and made them hopefully feel better. If I ignore them or stay in my shell it never fails to make me feel poorly about myself. By leaving someone out there to on there own while you just sit there and visit with your friends doesn’t help the stranger one bit. We sometimes sit or stand there thinking that someone else will go and talk to them. We just keep waiting and sometimes no one goes over to speak to them and make them feel welcome.

One of the big things in life is to find a way to be less self-centered. Our human nature is to focus on ourselves and not others. We are more concerned about our little world that we have a hard time seeing that other people may be struggling to fit in somewhere. I always laugh at myself when I reach out and try to start up a conversation with someone. The laughing comes in because of how easy the conversation is to start and how at ease it can make the other person feel. All my uneasiness usually goes away in the first minute.

I like to visit with student on our college campus that are freshman and introduce myself. I ask them where they are from and how they got to our school. You call usually tell right off the ones that feel at home and the ones that are lonely and feel isolated.

It is amazing how much you can change a person’s whole outlook about a group, event, school, etc just by making them feel comfortable. It is like going to that family member’s house that you only see once in a blue moon. You know it is going to be ok once you get there, but it can be torture thinking about meeting and re-meeting people.

Make it a point to welcome other people when they are new to a group. Nothing is lonelier than being somewhere where there is a crowd of people that all seem to know each other and you are the odd one out. Everyone knows each other except for you. We have all been there in a similar situation, so make it part of who you are to take the first step and meet the stranger.

Just as it is easy to talk to people in your own area of expertise it is also that easy to visit with people having other interests. Try to make it a point to not leave anyone out when you are part of a group. When you see someone who may feel left out do what you can to let them feel part of the group. You will be amazed at how much better it will make you feel and more importantly how it will make the other person feel. Make the strangers day by making

“There are no such things as strangers, only friends we haven't met yet.”Author Unknown

them a non-stranger.

Matthew 25:31-46

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

 "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

 "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

 "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

 "They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' "He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.' "Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

11. Hear their story

Treat the people you meet and the people in your inner circle as if their story has significance. You will find their stories do have quite a bit of meaning especially as your relationship with that person grows. When you find out where they are from, what they like to do, what their goals may be or what hobbies they have it will add depth to the relationship.

Something about all of us is impressive or significant. People would like to feel like as if their life story means something to others. We each want to have importance. Be willing to listen and treat people as if they are special. Don’t be afraid to be impressed as I wrote about earlier, but you don’t have to do it in a way that is insincere. Each person has something about them that is remarkable. Sometimes you just have to dig to find the information.

Remember everyone likes to talk about him or herself. The more you let someone share his or her story you will have a friend. Think back to the people that made the biggest impact on your life in a positive way. I would venture to say they showed tremendous interest in your life.

My first full time teaching and coaching job was at Brentwood Academy in Brentwood, Tennessee. It is known as a very good academic, athletic and spiritual school. I thought I was going into sports journalism for a career, but God had other ideas. When I took the jump into education I had no idea what I was getting into or the type of learning curve that was ahead of me.

I give that background because I was heading into a job that I was ill equipped and not ready for what was ahead. Even as we got ready to start school I was still unsure of what I had agreed to do and wanted to make certain this was the path for my career. I wanted to make a difference, but didn’t know if I could without any teaching experience and knowledge in the classroom. Thankfully one day changed my outlook because of one man and a speech he made to our faculty. His words gave me a new perspective.

Most schools have time set aside and planned for the faculty and staff to get together before the school year begins. This is an orientation to introduce new teachers and go through any new rules or procedures. Most veteran teachers would call it a “snore and bore”, but some get good information and it is all in how the material is presented.

We had our meetings at Montgomery Bell State Park about 30 minutes outside of Nashville, Tennessee. For me it was a good time to get my feet on the ground and to get to know the other teachers and coaches and to really see what I signed up for.

We had a guest speaker come to speak to the entire group as part of the day’s activities. During the day we had different meetings to attend, but this one was for the entire group and we all met in a big recreation hall. His talk was about the influence we have as teachers and coaches.

During his presentation he made us take a piece of paper out and write down the 5 most influential people in our life besides family members. We were to write the people that have had the most impact and the people that influenced us the most in a positive way. We all wrote down the names and then he asked a question that each of us were to answer. The speaker was in the front of all of us standing up in front of this big empty fire place and then said, “How many people on your list were either teachers or coaches?”

The room was quiet for a few seconds then you could hear a couple of muffled laughs. I was sitting in the front, but you could feel everyone was having an “ah-ha” moment. Most of us had at least two or three people on the list that were either teachers or coaches. It was a realization of how much of an impact we can have on all the students that cross our paths as teachers and coaches. This is not an advertisement for the teaching and

coaching profession, but it is to get you to think about the people that have dramatically impacted your life in a positive way.

Whether or not you are a teacher or coach you can have a tremendous impact on other people’s lives by the way you treat them on a day to day basis. Each of us comes with emotions and over the course of our lives those emotions can change. We develop those emotions into a softer side or maybe a rougher edge. It can be affected by a variety of factors. I like people that like me and that think I am great, but that is how I am emotionally wired. I don’t deal well with criticism or with people that I think are pulling against me. A lot of us can deal with things with thicker skin and some are more affected. We can be easily impacted by those around us that touch our emotional button.

I have not sure if my daughter will be able to remember her Pre K-4 teachers when she is older, but I sure will. She has one that you could probably write a book about her and all the kids she has impacted. Mrs. Neville was the assistant teacher for my daughter, Kailie’s class. Each day when I would take Kailie to drop her off for school Mrs. Neville was working the carpool line. When Mrs. Neville was the teacher (there were about 5 ladies each morning) to help Kailie out of the car you would have thought all she was doing was waiting for Kailie to get to school. “There she is!” or “Doesn’t she look cute today.” Words do not do justice how Mrs. Neville made her fell.

I wanted to go into that Pre K-4 class. You would have thought the day couldn’t start for Mrs. Neville until Kailie got to school. If Kailie missed a day of school then order was restored the next day she returned. If I happened to walk Kailie into the classroom and Mrs. Neville was in the room she would greet Kailie at the door and give her the same fantastic greeting. In talking with other parents that had Mrs. Neville in previous years I found out she did the same for their kids. She made them feel so special. It will be interesting if one day Kailie can remember Mrs. Neville, but I sure will.

Think if I treated my wife that way? She would think I really did something wrong. If I did treat her as if she were that special I would bet it would help our relationship tremendously. If I treated my own kids like Mrs. Neville treats kids then I bet my own kids would feel special.

Some coaches can do a very good job in this area of making each player feel important. If I could make each player feel important each and every day I would be able to make a big impact on those guys for the rest of their lives.

It does not matter what you do, where you do it, or how you make them feel important, but you do have a chance to impact those around you. You make people feel good by being impressed of who they are as a person. Each day

we can impact the people we come across by being interested and showing sincere concern for them. For me, if I can treat everyone like they are a five star (five star means the best) recruit then I would have it made in life. That’s what it takes. Treat them like they are special and be so impressed by who they are. Not in a phony way, but in a way that shows true concern.

As a college coach I better show concern for every player on my team and let them know I am impressed on whom they are as a person first. If they don’t think I am impressed with them as a person then it is hard for them to think I am going to be impressed with their athletic ability. If they come to our school and they think I am only impressed by what they can do on the court then our relationship will never take off and I will not do them much good in the long run. If I make them feel special and important for whom they are as a person then we can develop a good relationship while they are in school then hopefully the rest of their lives.

A big reason I took the dive into coaching was the chance to make an impact on other people. My first head coaching in college coaching was Faulkner University, in Montgomery, Alabama. At the time I was the youngest head coach and athletic director in the county. One of my biggest thrills emotionally was giving so many young men the chance to attend college on a scholarship. Quite often the young men were the first in their family to go to college. To see the joy and by giving them a chance at success I felt like a “dream giver.”

I also found a lot of sad and hurt people recruiting and traveling over the years. It is my strong belief that we all have something so special about us deep inside. The only problem is so many people don’t get that special gift brought out in their life so often because of a variety of reasons. I contend give me a day with someone and I can find a person’s special talent. I would even venture to say make it a half a day and I can get to know that person and ask enough questions to find something that person can give back to the world that no one else can quite like them. The reason: no one has been down the exact same road.

Like a lot of coaches I could probably show my players more often how much I care about them, but sometimes that is difficult to translate to young adults. With our resources we try to make our program as well as we can and put as much focus on the players and their growth as young men. I like to get pictures of them up in our locker room and offices so they know they are important to me and the program. If I have pictures of them around my office that is one subtle way that they know deep down I respect them and who they are as people. If I didn’t think that highly of them I wouldn’t dare put a picture of them in my own office. It gives them a sense of pride to walk in our offices and to see their pictures on our walls. That makes them feel important and appreciated. We try our best to let each guy know that their

story and their life are important to us.

*Take time to make a list of the five most important people in your life not including immediate family members that have made an impact on you. Then after listing, those names write out to the side of each of them the qualities you really liked. What made that person special to you? What was it about that person that influenced you? Then think of the people that are writing your name down on a list. How many people are you influencing in a positive way and impacting in a profound manner?

12. Have an opinion

We each come loaded with a powerful brain and a caring heart. Use your brain to think and use your heart to have compassion. Then use both your brain and your heart to stay in tune with modern events. You need to be able to have a conversation with others about important topics of the day. Not just the hottest song or what has the most hits on YouTube.

You do not want to turn people off with what you believe, but you should be able to take a position on certain issues. If you do not have an opinion do some research and find out what you believe and why you believe that way. You have to make yourself think. Expand your horizons beyond your small group of friends and find out what is going on in the world.

There is so much information and so many more issues today that you are faced with as a young adult than your parents or grandparents were faced with in their day. With issues come strong causes, powerful organizations and heated discussions. You need to educate yourself first before joining anything and find out what they really believe. Your opinion is your alone and not your parents and not your group of friends. You have that opinion and you need to take pride in having an opinion on what is happening in the area you live and around the world.

Some people may have strong opinions about issues that may be opposed to what you believe. That will do nothing but help you in the long run. You must be able to articulate why your opinion is what it is and be able to stand up for what you strongly believe.

An opinion is your chance to voice a feeling or emotion you have on a certain topic. Although you believe your opinion is correct there may be someone so brazen as to disagree with your point of view. Not everyone may be willing to hear what you have to say, but you owe it to yourself to be the kind of person that stands for something and has an opinion of modern day hot topics.

Be prepared and know why you believe what you believe when it comes to how you feel about your faith. Your faith will be challenged by circumstances

and by people you come in contact with over the course of your life. Faith believes in the unseen and sometimes that is hard to explain to other people, but that should not stop you from sharing your faith with other people. You should know enough about what you believe in to communicate it to others. If you do not know enough about what you believe then it is time to find out. You can read, ask questions and do whatever it takes to find out what you need to know so you can be informed.

While my son was a Christian sports camp in the summer I told him his spiritual foundation and base would be the biggest reason for his success his life. Developing that spiritual depth at a young age is such a huge advantage. The times that he gets down in life and when he has success he will need a strong spiritual base to keep him rooted.

Your attitudes will change over the years. At a young age you may feel you deserve a car when you hit the wonderful age of 16. When you get to be an adult and have kids the attitude will definitely change and you will be saying “No way is my kid going to given a car. He or she will have to work for everything they get.”

Your political opinions can change also. At least know who the candidates are and what they are running for on their platform. Listening to what a friend tells you cannot possibly the same as finding it out for yourself so read and watch the news. Take advantage of being able to have an opinion by voting, by standing up for something you think is right, by letting people know you disagree or agree with a decision they have made. You do not have to do it in a confrontational way, but have an opinion and make it your own. It is an important part of who you are in having opinions and feelings. This is also not to advocating for you to go out and start protesting or do be a part of a radical movement.

You have to be able to read about current events and keep up to date. In every job there are political and intellectual discussions. Some can be civil and some can get very lively. It is one thing to be able to disagree with other, but it is more important to know what you believe and why. Part of working with others is being able to disagree and still get along. Be able to put disagreements aside so can still work with having healthy debates.

You are not going to agree with everything your spouse says, a friend says, or what your parents say. You do owe them the courtesy of letting them express how they feel about certain hot topics and they own you the same courtesy in return You will come in contact with people the rest of your life that are different than you are and what you think. Your ability to make a good transition comes from being able to appreciate where others stand without being disagreeable and without being argumentative on each issue.

I can distinctly remember in a college economics class having a discussion on women’s rights. We began to discuss certain areas of the women’s rights movement and their activities. This was an upper level business class with mostly students that were in at their second or third year of college. Although I attended a conservative Christian college (a choice I would make again over and over if given the chance) I was shocked by the response in our class to the classroom discussion.

It took me by surprise that no one had a dissenting opinion other than the conservative political view. Most of the students at the school were raised in church homes and came from families that wanted their children in a certain education environment. They also came from predominately conservative backgrounds. They were not even going to question or look into what the issue was really about. I was still a bit amazed sitting there in class when no one came from a dissenting point of view. I wasn’t trying to push one side or the other it was simply interesting that with this class (½ male and ½ female) not one student wanted to engage in any kind of dialogue. I raised a few questions thinking someone would at least pounce on the subject, but no such luck. It was a disappointment to me that these kids were investing that much in an education and were just going to sit there and not even attempt to have a voice. I am not saying stage a protest, but have an opinion. Look for something and see if something can be done better.

My father ran for political office in 1968 and 1970 in the state of New Mexico. For those two years he ran for Lt. Governor in the primaries. I won’t embarrass him with telling you if he won or lost, but we didn’t make it to the general election either year. We should have called for a recall. We still have political buttons just in case they want to recount the votes. I guess they are souvenir items now.

As a young boy it was one of the best educational experiences in my entire life. I learned more in those settings than I could have ever learned in a classroom. Whether it was in a rental car driving three hours to a political dinner, taking tiny charter plane to some remote town for a political rally it has to be one of my best experiences as a child. I could never put a price tag on the education I received from the traveling and places we went.

I was young during both of those elections. The experience of being around a political race was fun and the travel was even more fun. The biggest lesson I learned was that people in these small towns wanted to have a voice. They may not have much, but they understood the political system enough to know that a vote was a vote no matter where you were and no matter whom you were. You and your vote counted. I have loved politics ever since and have been fascinated by the entire process. One thing I have always remembered is the people in the small towns how they took pride in having a chance to voice their opinion. To them it meant a great deal.

A wise person is one who can get along with others that don’t think that same way they do on each issue. It means a lot for you in your young adult years to find a way to have your opinions and beliefs and to allow others to have theirs also.

“You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they’ve already heard.”Stephen Colbert

13. Less is more

This will deal with the material aspects, but it also about the distractions that go on around us on a daily basis. You will find out the longer you live that less is definitely more in so many ways.

The less you put yourself in situations that are not going to help you in the long run it will give you more options down the road. Example: Less television means better grades. Better grades you earn mean better schools. Better schools means more options in life.

Most people do not look back at their academic career and say, “I wish I would have studied less and played more”. Most say, “I could have studied a lot more and spent less time on things that had no long lasting benefit”.

Most jobs and employers are not going to be impressed if you can recite every line from your favorite sitcom or movie. They will not be impressed with what level you could get to in a certain video game. There might be some employers that want to challenge you in a video game during your interview, but it is highly unlikely.

Yes, I know it sounds like it is out of date, but ask those out in the real world if they need those video game skills in their job. They are probably not many people out there that say, “I wish I would have watched more of my favorite show even though I saw each episode at least 7 times”.

The less time wasted means more of a chance to get better grades. The less television means more opportunity to talk with someone or read a book (yes, people still read books). The less time spent partying is more money saved or more money in your pocket. It is a funny concept, but true.

The less stuff you accumulate means more room. Less time spent trying to fit in means more time being true to who you are. Less time spent worrying about how well you fit in with a certain group is more time to appreciate yourself. The less time you spend fretting or worrying about your future means the more time you can spend being productive to get you ready for your future. You can be productive like more time on your school work or your job. Remember the less you let other people bring you down means the more time you have to enjoy your life and those around you. Less can always be more.

As I have moved my family all over the southeast and my wife complies with each move we are both captivated how much stuff we accumulate over the years. One move we never even took the majority of stuff out of boxes and we still took on more junk.

When making a move while the kids were young we would look at the moving truck and think how do we keep getting all that stuff? Then you get to the new house and a lot of the stuff goes immediately to storage so you can keep it in a box for the next move. Then once the next move hits you move it again without ever opening it to see what’s inside.

I try to get my kids to adopt the policy of when they bring in clothes something has to go out. If they bring in a new jacket they have to give one jacket away. We make trips to Goodwill or The Salvation Army frequently. Hopefully it helps them think “do I really need this item because I will have to get rid of something if I bring it home?” I have been doing it with my own clothes for a while and it works great. It means a less hassle with having too much stuff I am not going to use and someone else can put it to good use.

I have a certain number of t-shirts I will keep, a certain number of short

sleeve casual shirts, a certain number of dress shirts. Once I’m over the limit I start giving stuff away. Same for shoes, jackets, sweatshirts, pants, etc. It helps me because I can only keep up with so many things.

Next time you look at the stuff in your room. Think of the things you could live without and then give them away to some one less fortunate. Someone can use what you are not using. Those extra clothes, toys, items around your house or room that aren’t being used can be put to good use.

We have become a generation that thinks if we have more digital information at our fingertips it will make us more productive and able to get more done. Sure, there are a lot of advantages to the computer era and things we would have a hard time living without these days.

But we have produced so much to make us productive we have made ourselves counterproductive by our own technology. In some ways we have just added to our stress. We have taken free time away and family time is less not more now with the advent of cell phones. A cell phone doesn’t give someone more time with their family it gives them more of a distraction.

Cut back, live without, whatever it takes to free up your life. I know for me the less I have the less I have to worry about. I like the interior of my car to be clean and I would think most people agree. No one likes to drive around with fast food wrappers and empty cups all around. Having an uncluttered car is like having an uncluttered mind. Get less to get more. The less you have to worry about the more you can focus on what really matter. When we have too many things of inconsequence we don’t allow ourselves the freedom we need to think and breathe.

Once you begin to think of how much we clutter our minds with stuff and we don’t focus on what’s really important. The stuff isn’t the important things in life. It is the people and the relationships. We so often want to worry about things that we lose our focus on people and how we make others feel.

I challenge you to start to concern yourself with having less stuff and worry about the more important things in your life. You worry less it will give you more peace. You have less stress you will feel much better. More and more illnesses are being traced to stress and worry. Why worry, tomorrow will get here soon enough.

Philippians 4:12 “I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.”

“Less is more.”

Ludwig Mies van der Rohe, Architect and furniture designer

14. Hear the word “no”

There are two aspects of the word “no” we are going to discuss. One is a denial “no” (usually for your own good). The other “no” is a rejection of an idea or goal you have. You must be able to hear the word “no” from your parents, boss or someone wise that you respect. The denial of some things in the short term will pay off in the end. You may not understand why in the world would my parents not let me do this or that or why wouldn’t they pay for this or that?

One day down the road, you will appreciate the people that said “no” to one of your requests. It is powerful to have discipline and to have others that are looking out for your best interests. In having a moral compass (Point #8) which we talked about earlier you will have to get used to saying the word “no”. You have to be able to hear the word “no” and say the word “no”.

Hearing the word no can cause some kids to get angry and it may not be until years later that they thank their parents for the discipline. There have been many of lives changed because they were willing to hear “no”. “No”, that won’t work. “No” you are not going there. “No” that is not wise.“No” that is not safe.“No” you cannot have that…. “No, no, no.”

It is not always a denial of something. It can be just the rejection of something like a rejection of your idea or plan. No is not a bad thing, but can be a learning thing. Think of situation when people were told the word no by someone. They got back on their feet and went back to the drawing board and tried again. The word “no” makes us stronger. The word “no” helps us realize we need to go back to the basics.

In my job as a basketball coach, the life of our program comes down to recruiting. If we get 10% of the kids we go after we are doing well. That means if we have 30 really good players on our recruiting list we need to sign 3 to have a good class. There are only 5 players on the floor at a time and if you can get 60% of your starting five in one recruiting class you are doing well.

So guess what? We get turned down all the time. If we aren’t getting turned down we aren’t asking enough players to sign with us. It is a numbers game. The more good players you recruit the better chance you have a having a good team. It’s about getting to “no” for us. We want to have the “no’s”

because we know that a yes is around the corner.

For us it usually never fails that when we get turned down or rejected by a kid we will have another kid fall into our lap. For our coaching staff we pray about our recruiting and then we work it hard. We go after our recruits and put a lot of effort into getting them to Belhaven. When you get turned down it is like getting the ultimate reject. You are mad, hurt and upset. All those feelings come back when you got turned town in high school by the girl you wanted to go out with.

Then, boom! We will get a call or a kid we had marked off our list and all of the sudden we are back in the picture. It is funny because I am not sure why we doubt what is happening. We let our emotions get the best of us. I say all the time that every “no” means there is a “yes” out there somewhere; we just have to keep looking.

There are actually businesses that give awards for most rejections by a salesman. Guess what? That person is who gets rejected the most in sales usually the one that makes the most sales. You have to be willing to hear the word “no”. Sometimes it is for your benefit to keep you from harm and sometimes it is a chance to go back, reorganize and try again. You will not get every job you interview for, not every person is going to want to go out with you the first time you ask, but that is ok. Keep trying and use the word “no” to your advantage.

You will be able to say looking back over your life one day that you were glad for the “no’s.” For with the “no’s” you were sent back to the drawing board and sent back to square one. In my profession when you apply for a job it is a tedious process. The one unfortunate thing is most cases at the college level things become common knowledge within the coaching circles. If someone is changing a real estate job or insurance job usually is does not create a lot of storm and once it is done the person changes job and no one knows about the change until after it occurs.

In college coaching if you put your name in for a job, the names will be posted in the paper and the coaching fraternity as well as media will start to speculate over who the next coach will be.

In the spring of 2000 I applied for the head coaching job at Jacksonville State University in Jacksonville, Alabama. It was an NCAA Division I job. If you have a chance to get a Division I head coaching job and you are an assistant you get the job and ask questions later.

It would have been a tough move and a rebuilding program. I was ok about the move, but not jumping up and down. It was going back to a small town, which my wife was not crazy about small towns, and we would be leaving a

good position at the University of Alabama.

I went all out to get the job and everyone knew my name was in for the job. I interviewed two different times for the position. Everything looked good. They finished up their round of interviews on a Friday and just had one more interview to conduct on the following Monday. From all indication the job was mine. I felt good and was making calls to line up a staff over the weekend. By this point I was pretty confident. It was now just a matter of time.

Monday came and went and I received no phone call. Then on Tuesday morning I did get the call. “They were going in another direction.” That is the phrase they use when they don’t hire you. Now I am really mad. I thought I had the job. Everyone knew I was going for the job. I don’t get the job and it looks I’m the one that did something wrong in the interview or lost the job somehow. I wasn’t so sure I even wanted the job, now I am the one with egg on my face. It was a painful feeling.

All in all it felt like a kick in the gut. When friends of mine go through this same process I can feel for them. I still feel the pain and know that ‘kicked in the gut’ feeling you have when you get the call of someone telling you “no.” The same one you have when someone dumps you or breaks up with you. The feeling is no different. You feel like you will not be able to get up the next day and feel like there is no way you could be so embarrassed, but guess what happens? You get up the next day and the feeling starts to go away a little bit each day. After a while that “no” or rejection doesn’t hurt as much.

When you can look back at situations you can find what they call a “silver lining” which means something good comes out the event. Here is the “silver lining”. If I would have been named the Head Coach at Jacksonville State I never would have had that CAT scan that found my cancer done until it was too late. The only way it would have happened is if I had Dr. Jimmy Robinson as my doctor at the University of Alabama. He was the doctor for Robert Scott (see dedication) and he wanted to make absolutely sure with my stomach situation I didn’t have the same situation as Robert. I was now the third basketball coach in three years to get cancer. In 2000 we had one coach from the previous coaching staff die, Robert and then my situation. Three basketball coaches and their families severely affected by cancer. Robert Scott dies in May 2000 and Kermit Koenig dies in December 2000 (my surgery was between the two deaths in June 2000). People were a little bit scared that worked in the building. The building has been checked and they never any asbestos or any other cancer causing element in the building.

I would have been running full speed ahead and would not have allowed myself the time to have the procedure. “Are you kidding? I’m a Division I head coach. I don’t have time for that right now. We are rebuilding a

program.” I can hear myself saying those exact words. I have thought over the years that I had to be in one certain place for my cancer to be found. I had to be in that office next to Robert Scott for my cancer to be found. Anywhere else and with any other doctor, it would have been too late be the time they found my tumor. I know I could be wrong with my opinion, but that is how I feel.For me by the time they found the cancer in reality it would have been too late. Would I trade the Division I job for my family? Would I trade the Division I job for my health? My answer would be no to each of those questions.

We have the word “no” thrown at us each and every day. Some of those “no’s” are for our own good. We can’t see the good because of our own goals and desires. Not until years later do we see the good in having a “no” thrown our way. You will have a lot of “no’s” in your life. The more you try, the more “no’s” you will get. So if you stick your neck out to try don’t be afraid. The word “no” is sometimes the best answer you can get even when it is the last thing you want to hear.

“Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who step on their toes.”Chinese Proverb

“A “no” in recruiting means someone else is going to say “yes”. Keep going for those “no’s” they help you to reach your goal. The more “no’s you get the more yes’ are around the corner.” Tom Kelsey

15. Hear the word “yes”

When you hear the word “yes” and someone approves of what you are doing go for it with all your heart. They may say “yes” to some great idea you have. Do not sit back and wait. Too many people hear the word “yes” and then they sit around and wait for things to happen. Most of the time it requires some work on your part to make it happen.

If someone believes in you or your proposal or plan, go and strive for your dream. You will be amazed at what happens when you go for things in life versus sitting back and waiting for something big to happen. You have to be aggressive and go help make it happen. More people today sit on their dreams and think “well that can never happen” or “it will never work for me”.

Look around you and think of all the things that have been invented and think how they started as a dream. The Post-it notes ® you use, the laptop computer, the fax machine, the cell phone, the ability to send text

messages, Yahoo ®, Google ®, MySpace ®, Facebook ® are all things that have come into existence in the last 20 years. Someone told each of those people “no” and they kept going until they heard “yes”.

When I heard someone say “yes”, you can earn a basketball scholarship. That is all I listened to in my head. I never did let the ones that said I could not make it influence me at all. I heard the word “yes” and that affirmation was all I needed to know. I knew it was possible and set off to work as hard as I could to play college basketball. It paid off because I only heard the “yes” voice and refused to listen to the “no” voice.

One of my first big transitions was going from high school to college. I did not fare so well; I dropped out about 6 weeks into the first semester of college. I left Lipscomb University (then David Lipscomb College) where I had a full athletic scholarship. Our basketball team ended up ranked #4 in the country and I was at home. I got a job at JC Penney’s store selling sporting goods and athletic shoes. Then I enrolled in a junior college so I could keep up academically. My life was not where I thought it would be when I graduated high school six months earlier. From the charmed high school life of a basketball player with a bright future to someone that was going nowhere. I was down and getting lower.

It was when things were not going well I still heard that “yes” in the back of my mind. I had almost given up on the dream of playing in college, but I just couldn’t let it go. I knew I did not want to look back 20 years later and have the pain of regret in my decision. I just stayed confident and believed that it could come true.

I realized I made a big mistake dropping out of Lipscomb. Somehow I had to make a plan to get back on the right track. I re-enrolled for the spring quarter at Lipscomb and asked my coach if I could come back on the team. He didn’t make any promises which I understood. He didn’t give me my scholarship back right away. I had to earn it back. He did the right thing and I didn’t blame him. I had left him earlier and he didn’t want to see it happen again. In a way with Coach Meyer I have tried to spend my entire life living down that one experience, but can’t live it down. I went back to school and had to pay my own way the following spring after dropping out. Thankfully my dad paid for my tuition that spring semester. If he didn’t I am not sure what I would have done. It was not until after the end of the following fall semester that my coach gave me the scholarship back.

Some people don’t give out a “yes” too easily. It is a good thing when someone tells you “yes” they believe in you. Sometimes your own voice may be the only voice you hear.

There is a book by Shad Helmstetter Ph.D. called, What to Say When You

Talk to Yourself. If you struggle with allowing yourself to hear good things or struggle with allowing yourself to feel successful this is a good book to read. Most of us say so many negative words to ourselves throughout the day we would be amazed at how many are harmful messages we send through our brain.

A constant diet of negative words is not good for anyone. If you are struggling with self-esteem, which most of us do in some form, develop a routine of self-talk. You can repeat different phrases throughout the day. I have found that memorizing scripture verses from the Bible is one of the best therapies for me. It allows me to stay positive and I remind myself how much God loves me.

One of the things I want our players to feel is confidence. I want them to be confident, but not cocky. When they step up to take a big shot or shoot an important free throw I want them to think of nothing but “This shot is going in” or “I’m going to make this”. I watch and work with my players on their shot so much in practice, in warm-ups, in workouts and in games that I can usually tell before they release the ball if it is going in the basket. It is that confident look and self-assurance that they need to be successful. A player that makes half of their shots is shooting a great percentage. Go shoot, play and live your life with confidence.

Here is another list to make. Write down the things you hear yourself saying that are negative. Think about the things you say to yourself over and over:I am too:I look:I can never:They will never let me:If only I could have: If I would have had the same chance as he/she:

We all have some type of negative self talk. We have some type of negative situation in our past that we play over in our mind. Fortunately or unfortunately the past is past.

Don’t sell yourself short. Your looks aren’t keeping you from doing everything. Your physical build can’t keep you from doing all you want to do. Don’t say you can never do something. Don’t think no one will ever let you do_______ Go somewhere that they will let you do_______.

Eliminate the thinking of if I only could have _____________or if I could have had the same chance as someone else. You have opportunity it just may not be as the same as someone else. You still have the chance to make the most of what you have been given.

After making the list then write out the words you can replace instead of the negative words. Instead of “I’ll never get this right” say “It may take some time, but I will get it eventually”. Instead of “I’m not good enough for the team” say “I have valuable qualities to add to this team”. Instead of “I’m not smart enough to….” say “I may not be able to understand right now, but I will get through by studying hard”.

It is not easy to change the way you think and how you talk to yourself. If it is a struggle, be patient, but start working on changing how you talk to yourself. I wish I could sit with each person reading this book who struggles with self-confidence. I can guarantee we can find something about you that makes you extremely special. Replace those negative thoughts with a positive “yes”

It takes time, but you can overcome the negative self talk because there is someone out there that believes in you. If you have someone that believes in you already keep listening and allowing them to help you with your dreams. If you don’t have someone yet to give you that yes pray that God would bring someone to your life to provide you with the confidence and assurance. God is the ultimate provider. Pray that he can provide you with someone that can be an encourager in your dreams and passions.

“I don't dream at night, I dream all day; I dream for a living.”Steven Spielberg

“Most people have no idea of the giant capacity we can immediately command when we focus all of our resources on mastering a single area of our lives.” Tony Robbins

Jeremiah 29:11”For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

16. “Ninety percent of life is showing up”

My wife usually has good advice for me and one thing she tells me often is that half of life is showing up. Being there for weddings, graduations, reunions, funerals and other occasions is important to my wife. She is a relationship person and believes in being there for people. We joke that she is a shy extrovert. Once she gets to know someone she is comfortable and loyal. It is more important for her to stay in touch with people and to be at those events.

We have had some difficult times in our family. I have come to the conclusion when things go bad in your life it is amazing who shows up and who doesn’t show up. We learned this through my ordeal with cancer. We found it to be funny in an odd way who showed up and shared concern and those that did not.

When I was diagnosed with having a tumor on my kidney I immediately went to visit with David Patterson. David was the assistant coach at the time to his wife Sarah for the University of Alabama gymnastics team. They are a national power year in and year out. I knew David had kidney cancer a few years prior so I could go ask him the important questions like, “How much is this going to hurt?” We already had a relationship with both David and Sarah, but once this event happened it took things to a new level and gave us a deep respect for how they treated and cared about us.

Before the surgery David and Sarah took my wife and I out to eat and explained what to expect and how tough the comeback was going to be. Really touching on how the return was going to be difficult for my family and for the upcoming season coaching on the floor. They told us how it would affect my energy and my stamina being on the practice court. They knew the details and gave us such confidence that we could make it through.

We had lunch at the “Atlanta Bread Company” right off of 15th street in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. I remember their concern for us as a couple and for our family. Sarah stayed with Edie and held her hand during my time in surgery. She was there every step of the way before and after the hospital stay.

I look back sometimes and recall situations where I could have been there for a friend and did not take the time. Using the excuse that you are too busy is not a good enough. You make the time to get there for the people that are

important in your life and the ones that need you.

The amusing thing is all the complaining I do to my wife about having to go somewhere is usually I have a good time. After we go to whatever the event may be I feel much better for going than I did if I would have chosen not to go. There will be events the rest of your life that you can choose to attend or not attend. You will mostly feel better for making the effort and showing up. People will remember that you were there for them. It makes a big impression to be the type of person that will always be there for others.

Don’t make it an issue with others that you keep a running scorecard of who is there for you and who is not. You will drive yourself crazy and is really not fair. Some people don’t show up for a variety of reason. Maybe you have a right to be upset, but a lot of the time people just may have a valid excuse. Quite often in those situations when you are going through a difficult time some people do not know what to say. I call it the lack of “emotional capacity.” I tell my wife all the time that there is no use getting upset at some people because they may not have the “emotional capacity” to handle certain situations.

Instead of saying the wrong thing they either keep quiet or avoid you completely. I understand people being hesitant to say anything, but I think most of the time we all want to be acknowledged and at least have people realize we are going through a tough time.

If you expect people to be there for you every time you are going through a difficult stretch you will be sorely disappointed. Life is tough enough on its own. Don’t put expectations on others and expect them to meet those expectations. The only expectations you can have is for yourself.

You do the best job you can do at being there for others. When someone is in need and you can help be there. When someone can use your advice, your comfort, your support be there and give it to them. If it is not possible do not put pressure on yourself or make yourself feel guilty.

The real key is to be there when you can. I use a phone booth analogy with our basketball team. When phone booths were used more often people would go into a phone booth and then turn around to shut the door for privacy on the call. It was their way of getting alone to make the phone call.

We tell our team all the time to get out of their phone booth and think about other people. The phone booth being their little comfort zone where they only think of themselves. When you stay in your own phone booth and think only self you become self-absorbed and your focus is on what is important to you. Get out of the booth and help someone else by being there.

“Ninety percent of life is showing up”Very patient wife, loving mother, Edie Kelsey

17. It will never be fair

Life is not going to ever be fair and you do not want it be fair. There will be plenty of circumstances in your life that you will want someone to have a little extra grace on you. Get used to things not being fair now and you will not get frustrated later in life.

Fair is not always what it might seem. You are going to have things in your life when you do not want to be treated like everyone else, but you will want an exception to your situation. Do not ask for life to be fair because in reality, it will never be fair and we are all treated differently. As a coach and parent, I treat each kid fairly. I will not always treat them the same, but different circumstances dictate different ways of handling things.

I am not going to treat my 16 year old the same way I treat my 4 year old. I am not going to treat a fifth year senior the same way I treat a freshman. Situations and personalities with different experience result in handling situations differently. I have been given more than enough breaks in my life. I don’t have any reason to complain that life is not fair. Life may have dealt me some tough breaks, but I am more than grateful for every day God gives me.

I did learn a valuable lesson my first year in college. After dropping out of Lipscomb University I enrolled at Chattanooga State Community College in my hometown of Chattanooga, Tennessee, so I could at least stay in school and on track to graduate. One instructor gave me a low grade in a Political Science class (in reality I earned a low grade).

I needed a good grade to transfer back to Lipscomb. I went to talk to the instructor and told him that I needed a higher grade. I pleaded my case and I let him know how important the higher grade was to me. He looked at me and said matter of fact, “You should have thought about that earlier.” Good point on his part. I respected his decision. I didn’t like his response, but he was right. I should have thought about that earlier by putting more time into studying and preparing for class.

As a young adult there will come times when you catch a break and times when you don’t catch a break. File away those times where you catch a break and remember when it goes against you. Sometimes things have a way of getting even and balancing out.

Someone else might get the big break you were waiting on for a long time. Someone else may ask the person out before you do. You may feel a teacher gives better treatment to some students than others. You may feel the coach never gives you a chance. The boss never seems to give you the good work schedule. All those may be true. I ask you this question: What can be done about the situation? If you can do something about it then do something, don’t sit back. If there is nothing you can do then realize your chance may be later on down the road.

Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger tried for 9 years to get someone to look at his script for his movie. The movie was his life story and the obstacles he overcame to get into The University of Notre Dame and to play football there. Nine years is a long time. Ruettiger did not give up on his dream. He did not want quit trying. He was motivated to change lives with his story. He finally got someone to look at his script after years of knocking on doors. “Rudy” went on to become a successful hit movie and had a great message of perseverance

Ruettiger had to watch other movies being made that could not hold a candle to his story. He did not look at things being unfair, but pressed on and decided to make his break. Nine years of being turned down he never said life was unfair, but he kept pushing until someone read his fascinating adventure. He could have easily folded the tent and went home. He made the decision that he was not going to quit and he would keep going until someone produced his movie.

Stay with it even when you feel like the breaks are against you. If you are not being treated equal your time will come, just stay the course. Be prepared when life throws a situation your way so you can jump all over it and flourish.

When we get those breaks in life this concept takes over. Even though we probably should not have been given a second, third, and fourth chance we

get it anyway. When we have said enough apologies to last a lifetime we still get another chance. When we say we are going to change and we still don’t make the changes we get that one more chance.

That is called “grace” and we can’t live without grace. Grace gives us the ability to be forgiven. Joyce Meyer says GRACE means “God’s Riches Achieved by Christ’s Example.” Being forgiven is one of the greatest gifts we are given. It gives us that second chance. We can’t make it without grace and without having grace for others.

Don’t let life keep you down or get you upset because you think you are treated unfair. It is going to be unfair and you will not be able change some things. As you adopt the approach you will find yourself taking things much easier in life and not getting as upset. Being treated unfair is never easy to take. It is how you handle those times that defines your character. How you handle those times will define who you become in life.

Bill Gates one of the richest men in the world and the owner of Microsoft says, “Life is not fair; get used to it.” By knowing the rules it gives you a better chance to understand the game of life.

18. Love others unconditionally

Unconditional love means to care about other people without any strings attached. It means you don’t ask for anything or expect anything in return. You will be able to care about other people for who they are.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Corinth he has this great passage about love and how it comes without conditions.

I Corinthians 13:4-7

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Loving unconditionally will allow you to understand that you do not have to try to change others. Accept people the way they are. You will then in turn find others will accept you for who you are.

Unconditional love is what God’s has for each of us. He accepts us for who we are. Does he want us to correct things in our life? Does he want us to live more according to his word? Yes, but that acceptance is always there from Him.

We need to do the same for people that come across our path. We will talk about being accepting in this book, but loving unconditionally means you do not expect anything from the other person. To love unconditionally is to not put conditions on the relationship. My own children need to know that I will love them no matter what. Not just because they clean their room, not because they make good grades and not because they do their jobs on time. They have to know deep down that I will love them no matter what they do. Sure, they will mess up and we will have our struggles. They know that whatever happens and even if I am mad or my wife is mad at their actions we still love them.

My players need to understand that I love them and want them all to do well. They need to know that I will keep things tight and strict, but if they mess up I will still love them. I do not love them more for winning than losing. I do not love them more for having a good practice than having a bad practice. There is not more love if they make the winning shot or miss the last second shot.

There are no strings attached in unconditional love. It is a love that is pure and can be life-long. You will find when you begin to accept people for who they are and not for what they can do for you it makes your relationships that much stronger.

If you have unconditional love and start to have patience with others you will be amazed at how much less stress you will have in your life. You can add a lot of problems to your life by having high expectations of others and by not accepting them the way they are as people.

Nothing is as freeing than being accepted the way you are, warts and all. We all come with blemishes and marks that make us imperfect. It is in being accepted by someone else that makes being felt loved the entire better.

I tell people that I used to only buy clothes if it had two stickers. The sale price and the sale price off the original sale price. As I have gotten older I realize to pay the money for something that fits and is well made and it will last a long time. For a long time I would only buy those “seconds” or in athletics there were certain basketball shoes that were labeled “Blem” for blemished. That would let you know that the shoe wasn’t perfect and it was being reduced in price for that reason. For a long time you could find Converse shoes with the “Blem” mark on the inside tongue of the shoe. You knew you could then get a good deal.

We all are like those blemished shoes. We all have something wrong with us. Some of us have the obvious things on the outside and some of the things are on the inside. For a lot of us we never see the blemish until we start to peel back the layers, but then we see the hurt and the pain. Anyone who thinks that there are people out there without blemishes needs to look a little bit more. Even those you think that have it all together just spend some time around them and you will realize they don’t have it all together.

One of the coaches I worked for Mark Gottfried used to refer to the NCAA men’s basketball tournament as the “greatest show on earth”. I couldn’t agree more. Before I was able to coach at Murray State and the University of Alabama I would travel the southeast and go wherever I could to see a game. If an NCAA tournament was somewhere close I was going to find a way to go see a game. I love the first round games. You would get to watch two afternoon games then come back that night and watch two more games. For a basketball nut like me it is a blast.

One year I went to Birmingham on a Thursday watching the game spending the night with some friends and then getting up the next morning and driving to Atlanta to watch another day of games.

There was a game the Thursday evening and a situation that caught my eye. One highly ranked team was upset by a lower seeded team. The star of the team highly ranked team missed a shot in the last few seconds of the game that could have made a difference in the outcome. I watched the young man hunched over on the floor bending over in obvious emotional pain. He knew his career was over. There would be no more shots for his college team. He would never wear those colors or that jersey again. He was out there on the floor all alone. With his head in his jersey you could see how hurt and upset he must be and what he felt. I watched his coach walk across the floor. He looked back and saw his star player; he gave him a glance and with a look that showed a lack of sympathy kept walking. I could understand how upset the coach was to lose the game his team should have won easily.

In those few seconds you could tell a story. The coach had that look that said so much. It was part disgust, part indifference to the kid, part shock at the

loss. For the player it could have been real hurt, he could have been trying to get sympathy or he could have been embarrassed that his team lost to an inferior team. A lot happened in those few seconds.

Life is like that. A lot can happen in a few seconds. My wife will tell you that your true colors will come out in situations like the one I just described. As a coach if I was at that level with that pressure I am not sure how I would have reacted. It is easy to say that you would show the upmost of compassion and care and be right there for the kid. I watch a lot of coaches and cringe when I hear what they say to kids or how they react. I’m sure people say the same about me as they watch me coach.

The losing coach would now how to face the media first then the alumni next. No one was going to be happy about the outcome. The coach is usually is the one getting the blame in losses like this one. Most coaches understand what comes with the job description. I can understand his being upset at the player. I understand all the emotions from both the player and the coach. The saddest part is that the relationship had been through a lot of highs and lows. This was a five year relationship at least and maybe more. The recruiting process started long ago while the young man was in high school. The player was an outstanding player and seemed to give everything he had to the basketball program. Now in an instant the career is over and finished. Unfortunately the coach is like a lot of us in his treatment of the player like we treat those around us. You do well for us and we will like you. You don’t deliver and we will be disappointed. I would like to say as a college coach we don’t act like that, but we are human and make human mistakes.

That image still stays with me. I see that young man. He was a major star at the college level and went on to play in the pros and maybe he never knew his coach left him out there on the floor. To him since his head was down he may have never known that his coach looked directly at him saw him in emotional pain over the loss and walked the other way. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to him, but to most of us unconditional love is a big deal. In that moment the player coach relationship came down to the missed shot and the lost game. It was what can you do for me? Not trying to place blame on the coach, but it was a sad picture that watching the scene unfold and it seemed to be a relationship based on conditions.

Love others unconditionally and you will find those transitions in life will go smoother. Those people that can get under your skin, maybe just maybe they have a good side to them after all. Those people that you think are nearly perfect have their stains also and they need your unconditional love even when you find out they are not perfect.

John 3:16, 17

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”

19. Call on birthdays

This is another one from my wife. Her grandmother used to call on your birthday morning and sing “Happy Birthday” all the way through the entire song. She passed away in 2000. My wife’s family puts an emphasis on birthdays and tries hard to be here for those occasions.

My observation and experience is quite often young people between the ages of 13 and 22 can be self-absorbed. A great way to make people feel appreciated is to call others on their birthday’s especially family members.

There are certain programs you can put on your computer that can remind you when a certain person’s birthday is coming up. Even though I have a few friends that use that program and contact me each year on my birthday and I know they just have me programmed in to their computer it still feels good. We all want to be remembered.

My wife’s family does a great job of celebrating birthdays. Since being married we have lived in 5 states in my coaching and teaching career. My mother-in-law always makes it in town for my wife’s birthday. My family does a good job of making it to my children’s birthdays which means a great deal.

My wife’s grandmother was very important figure in my wife’s life. You never got tired of hearing her and hearing those words. She was special and even though she did not get out much she had a great way to make others feel special.

We only get the day once a year so take time to celebrate other people’s big day. It means the world to some people just to be remembered.

My birthday falls around Christmas so along with basketball season it makes it difficult to celebrate. Not very often does the day just by itself for our family. No travel, no games, no events to be at that day. I have been used to having things gone on besides my birthday. For me it has not been that big

of deal in that we will celebrate my birthday when we get around to celebrating the birthday.

Having kids changes your perspective. The younger they are the more special the day especially for the parents. Kids start planning out there birthday these days months in advance. When I was younger it was have kids over from the neighborhood, play pin the tail on the donkey, eat cake, open presents and everyone went home. Now it is a whole different deal. The kids that come to the party now get presents. I have not understood that concept. Calling on birthdays is a great habit to get into.

“Because time itself is like a spiral, something special happens on your birthday each year: The same energy that God invested in you at birth is present once again.” Menachem Mendel Schneerson

“We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it. “ Author Unknown

20. Accept your parents

Here comes some more advice on how to get along better with your parents (along with #1). Not only do you need to listen to them, but you also need to accept them. In life, we all want to be accepted by someone. No matter what you go through in your young adult life accept your parents. You will not be able to change who they are or change their life experiences, but you will be able to accept them. No matter how out of touch they are or how “uncool” they may be allow them to be who they are. Sure, you can ask them to correct some habits they have that drive you crazy, to improve their communication skills, to not wear those goofy outfits and to not embarrass you in front of other people.

Your parents are who they are because of how they grew up and how they were raised. It does take effort when you are at a young age, but you have to decide that, “these are my parents and I am going to love and appreciate them”.

Your parents will get you upset, they will push your hot buttons, and they might even make you uncomfortable to be around them in public. There will probably be a day when they are older and they may not be even around when you will then look back with appreciation for them.

I saw something one day during one of our basketball camps that made me think about appreciation and acceptance for your parents. I saw a man trying to get his grandmother into our main gym. We have three sets of double glass doors as you into enter our lobby area. You could see the frustration on his face as he tried to get her to move a little bit faster. She had a dazed look

on her face as to the direction she was going. She was confused as to which door to go through and made her way toward a door other than the one her grandson wanted her to go through. As she was trying to find her way, he was upset she wasn’t moving fast nor was she going in the direction he wanted her to go. Finally in frustration he said, “C’mon Grandma!”

Maybe he had to go through this a lot with her and maybe he was having a bad day. Whatever the case I wanted to stop him, grab him and say, “You may not have her around long. You should really appreciate her while she is still here.” I did not say it, but it was my first immediate reaction. As they walked away I thought I wish I had my grandparents around to talk with them. None of my grandparents are alive and haven’t been for quite some time. It is the same with your parents. Appreciate them while you have them.

You may not believe it, but at one time your parents were cool. Yes, they were actually cool. They also knew what was going on in the world. They did have a clue even though you may not think that would be possible. They did have friends like you do, hung out with other friends like you do and probably thought their parents were out of touch just like you think your parents are out of touch.

Your parents have been with you from the beginning and they know you as well as anyone. You may not feel like you can talk to them about a lot of things. Do your best to keep communication lines open as hard as that may be for you and for them. They know what makes you tick. They have been around you for all the failures and for all the good times.

They will be with you for many more failures and good times. It is a lifelong relationship that has to be worked on continuously. I don’t know of a perfect parent-child relationship. There may be one out there, but I have not found one yet. Like all relationships they take effort. Understand that your parents are not perfect. I think once we realize that as kids it makes the relationship that much easier. We felt for a long time that our parents were larger than life and then when we found them to be with these faults it shattered our image.

In acceptance there lies some peace. Accept them for who they are. Not in whom you wish they were, but in whom they are. God gave you those parents for a reason and you may not understand it now, but hopefully one day it will be revealed to you.

All in all your experience with your parents is probably not unlike the experience they had with their parents. Ask them sometime. You might be surprised to know that your parents have gone through some of the same experiences in life that you are going through right now. That is why it is so important to listen to them and to lean on them for advice, but also to accept

who they are as people.

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything.  You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.”  Bill Cosby

“We never know the love of the parent till we become parents ourselves.”Henry Ward Beecher

21. Be on time when time is involved

Being on time or being early is a tremendous habit/trait to have. This allows people you coming in contact with you to know you value their time. It also shows you value who they are. For most of us that struggle with being on time it is simply a matter of two things:

1. Getting up earlier and doing less. That means going to bed earlier and not doing that one other task around the house, apartment or dorm room. Also we think we can do one more thing before heading out the door instead of saying “I will be on time and take something with me to read or work on while I wait for others”. With the way technology is today this is a great time to send text messages and to clean up your text message in and out box. Most of us try to do that one more task, that one more email, one more group of things to put away in your room, etc. Tell yourself that one more thing you think you need to get done can wait and work on being on time.

Make it a habit now and it will pay off later with less stress and less worry. .

2. You do not value others time as important as your time. Other people have things to do and people to see just like you do. Being on time consistently develops a strong discipline for yourself and shows the other person or other people you respect their time. Other people have a schedule also. They have places to be, people to see and things to do. Remember what it feels like when someone takes up your time by making you wait. You know how frustrating the visits to the doctor or dentist are when you have to wait or when you are waiting for a ride from someone and the other person does not seem to value your time. Those times make you feel like your time is not valued.

Also being on time creates a lot less stress for those involved. It is stressful being late and trying to drive somewhere. That is a recipe for trouble. Do yourself a great big favor and make being on time a constant in your life.

Dan Sullivan, one of the leading business consultants has what he calls four areas of "referability". In these areas, he stresses that if you can do these four areas you will get referrals the rest of your life. You will get referrals for people to do business with you and referrals for other jobs. People will make calls for you and recommend you for jobs. Sullivan has good information and he works with top executives and high income earners. His seminars and information get rave reviews. Even with the clientele he works with in his business he still keeps it very simple. When you hear it the first time you probably think it is easy. The problem is I have met very few people that can do his four areas of referability on a consistent basis. If you can do these things consistently, you will set yourself up for a successful career and life. People will want to hire you and you will valuable to your company. If you end up running your own business, you will be in the top echelon in your field. Sullivan’s four areas of responsibility are:

When you get into the real world you will see many hard working people that do a good job and make a nice salary. You will also be amazed over time at the amount of people that are not very good in their job and do not work hard at all. If you can do these four things you will be way ahead of your competition.

There are people that pay a lot of money each year in training and seminars to be more efficient in their jobs. Businesses will take part of their budget each year for staff development training to improve productivity. If companies and schools would take the time to train their people to do these

1. Show up on Time2. Do what you say you are going to do3. Say “Please” and “Thank you”4. Finish what you start.

four areas of "referability" they would be getting more than by reading any sales books or seminar training. The books and training are very important if you want to reach your full potential, but focusing on these four points can set you apart from the crowd. You continue to do that the rest of your career and you will be a valued employee wherever you may work.

One of the perks of playing at Lipscomb University is that we had one of the largest basketball camps in the country. As players our summer job was to serve as camp counselors for the camp. It was the best job and best work experience I ever had. It gave us that were employed by the camp a work ethic and appreciation for effort because it was the toughest job we ever had. We were up sometimes at 6:00am and would not get to bed until after midnight most evenings. None of us would trade the experience.

What it did teach us was these areas of “referability” and we didn’t even know we were being trained in these areas. You may have had particular job as a camp counselor and been assigned to a certain gym, but after a summer on the job you were a veteran. The certain jobs you were asked to carry out were expected to get done as well as the other things that came up during the course of the day. Once you were experienced at camp you knew that every job was your job. You never heard us say, “That’s not my job.” If something needed to be done we just got the job done. Picking up trash, extra help in the concession stand, cleaning up in the gym, moving beds in the dorm, monitoring kids in the dorm and making sure everything was put away each night, your eyes were almost trained to look for things that needed to be done. While I was in school we would have 300-400 campers each week. That is a lot of kids to control. After I graduated the camp continued to grow. The training we got there prepared us as players to work and understand no job was too small and too menial. It also paid well. We could make as much income in two months work as my friends could make in three and half months work at their jobs.

Each summer Coach Meyer would set aside some of our paycheck to go toward a trip over the Christmas vacation. One year it was Hawaii, one year the Bahamas, my senior year Hawaii again. Part of all that hard work was going on nice trips, so I didn’t mind if it was for a trip to Hawaii. I would have liked to have had more cash, but Coach putting some of our money to the trips was fine by me to get to go to the places we went.

I considered myself a seasoned traveler by the time I got to college. Since my parents were divorced and I lived with my mom and step dad in Chattanooga and my father was in Albuquerque, New Mexico I had the opportunity to take a lot of plane flights.

As we were set to take our trip to Hawaii in December of 1983 I was excited because even with all my travels I had never been off the continental United

States. I was so eager to see Hawaii. This was going to be a 10 day trip, we were going to play three games and be on three different islands, Oahu, Hilo and Maui.

As we left Nashville on the morning of our trip it was grey and overcast. Once we arrived in Dallas it once again grey and overcast. The flight from Dallas was going to go Hawaii with a stopover in Los Angeles. The worse the weather the more keyed up I got about being in Hawaii. As we then flew into Los Angeles it was now grey, overcast and raining. My head had been hurting from the two earlier flights I already started to have cabin fever. Part of me looked forward to the five hour flight over the ocean and part of me needed some fresh air (at least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it). We were allowed to get off the plane only for a short time and to get other passengers and refuel. As we got ready for our flight to Hawaii we were told there was going to be a delay due to weather, I asked the stewardess what time the flight would leave. I can remember it vividly when she said, “With the runways like this they are telling us it will be at least 1:30”. At this point it was 12 noon. Boom! That was all I need to hear. I looked back at my backpack that was in my seat and took off. I knew I had my seat on the plane and I had some free time.

I was going to get outside the airport and get some fresh air. I had an hour and half. I was always a bit of a loner, so it didn’t bother me one bit to get out and wander around by myself. I told myself I was going to try and see the skyline of Los Angeles. Now if anyone has ever seen a picture of the skyline of Los Angeles I’d like to know. There aren’t any landmark buildings or special things you need to see. Plus, it was raining and overcast. Once I was finally able to get outside I found they were in a major renovation of the exterior of the airport. The drop off lines and parking was in a complete mess. It was nothing but concrete and construction. I did walk a little ways and even as adventurous as I was at this time I made a U-turn back to the main part of the airport. I knew I had time to kill so thought I could wander around the airport.

I went to a book store to look at some of the books and magazines and then decided it was probably time to head back to our gate. I looked at one of the monitors that list all the flights. As I scanned the monitors up above I looked and looked, but did not see our flight listed anywhere. Again thinking I was a seasoned and veteran traveler I thought since our flight was not on the board this is going to be a long wait for our group. It was now just a little bit after 1:00pm and it had every flight listed up until 7:00pm.

I took the escalator up to where the departing gates were located. As you came up to the top of the escalator directly in front is where our gate was located there was no big white plane outside the window. The only problem there was no plane and no one waiting at the gate. I’m now thinking, “OK,

they moved our flight to another gate”. As I strolled up to the ticket lady with all the confidence and thinking what a seasoned veteran traveler I was I calmly asked, “Where is the American Airlines flight for Honolulu”?

“It left five minutes ago,” she said as she looked at me sternly. Then without barely even looking up she said, “We have been paging you all over the airport. Your coach was very worried about you.” That’s when I knew I must have had the wrong group. “My coach?"I asked. “Yes,” she said like she really believed what she was saying. I wanted to say, “Miss, my coach wouldn’t worry about me getting left in this airport believe me.” I learned later that Coach Meyer was laughing and thought it was hilarious. I don’t blame him for laughing. Here I was a “know it all” going off on my own. I deserved what I got.

There were a couple of our cheerleaders on the trip which were great friends and almost like sisters to me that were crying when the plane took off without me. The girls ended up telling me Coach was laughing at me being left and that made them more upset. I told them not to worry I would have laughed also.

I knew Coach wasn’t too worried because they already had me booked on another flight an hour and half later. I didn’t get the great greeting with the lei and all the fancy stuff coming along with a part of a group. The original group also had a charter bus take them directly to the hotel. When I landed I had to find my way to the city bus station at the airport and find a way to get to our hotel. This was way before cell phones. I had no bags, no ID, no wallet, no nothing because everything I had was in my backpack on the plane or my bags that were checked on the plane. Somehow I ended up back to our hotel.

Once arriving many hours after my teammates and the rest of our group I went to the front desk to get the key to my hotel room. I immediately went to the elevator to go to make sure my luggage was ok. As soon as I got to the elevator the doors opened and there was one person one the elevator: Coach Meyer. I stepped onto the elevator, politely said, “Hey Coach”, and he never said a word about the whole incident. It was a long elevator ride.

Here is how Coach handled the ordeal with me: First, he knew I could handle the situation and find a way to get another flight. Second, he also knew I deserved everything I got by being late.

Coach Meyer never had to mention being on time to me at all again. You had so much respect for the man you didn’t miss things. You were there. I learned a valuable lesson that day about being on time. Be on time when time is involved. I never was late for anything else the rest of my time at Lipscomb.

“Remember that time is money. Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that's the stuff life is made of.”Benjamin Franklin

“I give it as my deliberate and solemn conviction that the individual who is habitually tardy in meeting an appointment, will never be respected or successful in life.” Reverend W. Fisk

22. Say “please” and “thank you”

You get a lot more in life by using a few simple manners. Get in the habit of saying please before you ask for something and saying thank you when you when you receive something. A simple request, but you would be absolutely amazed how many educated and well disciplined people can forget this simple task. It is something your parents probably made you do when you were younger any time you asked for something. You were cute and cuddly when you first started to ask for things as a baby. You knew then how to ask for something. Then in the process of life, we somehow forgot this simple act of kindness.

It is a real downer when you do something nice for someone and you don’t hear a word from him or her. Maybe you sent them a nice note or present. Not that you are doing things to get approval or recognized, but it is good to know they appreciate your act of kindness. Everyone wants to be appreciated and we will talk about this soon. You show your appreciation by using simple manners and thoughtfulness. It doesn’t even take a lot of time and effort to be polite and nice.

Do you know how much time it takes to send a thank you note? Three minutes to write, two minutes to address it and stamp it, then a minute go put in your book bag so you can mail it the next morning. How much of an effort to say the word please? Simply having manners is a way for you to make a great impression on someone else.

I never forget being in the home of a young man that was one of the top basketball recruits in the country. His name was Schea Cotton and he lived in Long Beach, California. Schea had been in Sports Illustrated when he was in the 8th grade. He was constantly in the news and in the limelight. He had

schools over the country recruiting him and he even thought about going straight to the NBA out of high school. Schea and I have developed a relationship and I felt I got to know him pretty well, but my impression changed dramatically when I saw him with his family and how they interacted. You can see someone on the court and you can see someone off the court, but when you see someone with their family you get a pretty good picture of the type of person they are deep down to the core.

At the college level in recruiting we have what we call “home visits”. This is a time where you sit down with the recruit and his family and layout why your school and your basketball program is the best choice. You put the spin on why there is no other choice except for your school and you paint an honest picture for the recruit and make sure mom and dad get all their questions asked. Also if you are smart you shoot down any objections they may have.

During this home visit the Cottons had invited us to eat. Coaches never turn down anything free so we made plans to stay to work the visit around lunch. Schea was very polite during the visit by allowing his parents to talk and not rolling his eyes is if they ever bragged on their son.

We had a home cooked meal by his mom, another thing coaches never turn down. At the end of the meal Schea got up and took his plate to the kitchen and then came over and got my plate and proceeded to help clear the table. You may think, Big Deal!

It was a big deal because I am sitting there thinking this is the #1 player in the country and he his taking up my plate. To me, that was a big deal and it made on me an impression I will never forget about Schea. Why did it make an impression on me? I do the same thing when I eat at my house or someone else’s house. It meant a lot to me because my mom did the same with all three of her boys. She had us each with a job and to this day I always pick up my plate if I at someone’s house for a meal. It became a habit that I am glad my mom made us do each night. Most night’s my older brother, Mike had to drag my younger brother, Kevin back down the stairs because he forgot to do his part of the setting the table, clearing the table, doing the dishes deal. I can still see Mike reaching up the stairs to drag Kevin back down to remind him to do his part of the deal.

That is the way my mother taught me. Not many a meal goes by that I don’t take up my own plate either at home or someone else’s home. I don’t say that to brag I say that to say that is the way I was brought up and when I saw Schea do that it made a lasting impression.

No matter what kind of issues he may have had as a player I always remember who he is down deep inside. On the outside, he may have a lot of attention, but that did not change his character and how he felt about his

family.

We are funny creatures we know how important it is to get compliments and to be told “thanks” or for someone to say “please” when asking for something. Even though we know that point and we get the good feeling inside when someone is appreciative or polite we still figure out a way to be too busy to write, email or text a thank you message. We somehow find a way to forget to say “please” when it is just common courtesy.

In my book for parents on “How to Help Your Kids Make the Transitions of Life” I am going to have a section called “Mind Your Manners”. I already have examples for that section.

Maybe it should be taught in schools and more often at home. We are missing the boat on this one. Another sure fire way to be impressive is to be polite in an honest and sincere way. Again, you will be amazed how many people forget to say these things during the course of the day.

Be different. Make up your mind that you are going to go out of your way for a week and see what a difference it makes to say “please” and “thank you” when the situation calls for you to say these things. Try it and let me know how it goes.

“When someone comes along who genuinely thanks us, we will follow that person a very long way." Alan Loy McGinnis

23. “Pick up one piece of trash a day”

I had the privilege of playing for one of the best basketball coaches of all time, Don Meyer. Not only is one of the best coaches, but he was a genius when it came to running basketball camps.

This “Pick up one piece of trash a day” was something Coach Meyer told all his basketball campers each week. Coach Meyer year in and year out had not only the best, but also one of the largest basketball camps in the country. While I was a player for coach he was the head coach at Lipscomb University. He is the record holder for being the winningest coach in NCAA basketball history.

The first day of camp Coach in covering the camp rules coach would say, “Pick up one piece of trash a day and you will make the campus look better. Imagine if 300 kids are picking up one piece of trash a day how that would make things look?” I use the same line for every camp I have run and have been running my own camps for quite a while.

Coach Meyer said more profound things than this, but any of his former players can tell you that this one that stands out. It was his way of saying to think about others. Think about leaving places better than when you found them. He had an innate ability to get you to think outside of yourself. I meet people all the time that either have been to one of his camps or to have worked one of his camps. When they talk about the camp their usual response is how hard the camp was and that it was one of the best camps they ever attended or worked. If you asked them about picking up one piece of trash a day they would remember. If you come across a former or current player of his I guarantee they know that camp rule.

Every road trip we took Coach Meyer told us, “Leave the locker room cleaner than you found it”. We had one place in our conference that always had leaking water and a musty smell in the locker room. The smell was distinct and particular to this school’s locker room. From some reason they could never get this issue fixed. So each year we came to play them it was the same thing. The carpet had that squishy feel to it because it was so wet and you did the best you could with the smell.

My senior year after getting dressed and leaving once the game was over, I remember thinking “no more cleaning up this nasty locker room.” As a coach today what do you think I say after every game and every bus trip? That’s right, “leave the locker room cleaner than you found it and pick up the trash off the bus”. Guess where we were four years later when I had my own college team? We were playing the same school and the carpet had the same musty smell and squished as you stepped on it walking across the floor. I said the same thing to our team when we left. “Pick up the trash and leave it cleaner than we found this place”.

I am glad Coach made us do this. It is not fun to clean the bus after road trips and it is a pain to do when it is 3:00am in the morning. To him it was important. So for my team we made it important. It was his way to get us to be unselfish. I have tried to get the same point across to each team I coach. Some kids get the message and some don’t. That’s ok. I still give the same camp rule before camp and the same speech before we start the season.

You may think it is silly, but if you ever attended Coach Meyer’s camps, you would know why he was so successful. He had things planned down to the minute. He did not want an issue like trash being on the ground to give the

camp a bad name. He had worked very hard to get his camp to be successful that he did not want anyone to be able to say his camp was causing a mess on campus. No one from the administration or anyone else on campus was going to be able to say that having the camps on campus were bad because of the wear and tear. He was going to keep it spotless as best he could. It was really more than just keeping the campus clean it was who he is as a person. Caring about others and thinking how to make things better.

I still do it today even if I am in a place other than my own house or campus. Probably all of us that worked the camps still see a piece of trash on the ground and bend over to pick it up with the words in the back of our mind, “pick up one piece of trash a day”. Usually every time I bend over to pick up a piece of trash in my mind, I say the phrase to myself. On our campus now at Belhaven University walking somewhere if I see a piece of trash I usually bend over and in my mind say, “pick up one piece of trash a day.”

His camps are legendary for those that attend. You learn a lot more than to pick up one piece of trash a day. Almost everything I learned about attitude I learned from Coach Meyer. The first time I met him was going into my junior year of high school at his basketball camp. It was an amazing experience. I was taught so many things mostly centered on fundamental basketball and having a better attitude. I have been trying to preach what he preached about attitude for my entire coaching career.

It comes down to getting outside of yourself and having your antennas out. Be aware. Is picking up one piece of trash a day the key to unlock your success? No, but it will create in you a mindset. The mindset that if you think of others and your surroundings instead of only yourself you will be in demand and more people will want to be around you and have you as a part of their team. You will be amazed at how many people do not think of others first. They only think of themselves. How much time and effort does it take to pick up a piece of trash a day? Not much. If everyone pitched in on your team, in your family, in your church, in your school, whatever group you are a part of what do you think your place would look like?

Let me go back to my first job at Brentwood Academy in Brentwood, Tennessee. Every school day would end at 2:45 and we would dismiss school at 3:00pm. We would give the kids 5 minutes to get to their spot on campus and for the last ten minutes of the day they were in charge of cleaning a particular area. There were no janitors on campus. The kids and the teachers did the cleaning. You think there was much graffiti or trash to pick up at the end of the day? Not much. The kids knew they would have to do the work, so they kept the place clean. So every kid in the school was given an area along with a teacher to clean up at the end of the day. Each day like clockwork that was the area they were assigned to make sure was cleaned up and ready for the next day’s classes. It cut down on messy and unclean areas. You take

pride in something and you will keep it clean.

“Pick up on piece of trash a day”Camp Rule Bison Basketball CampLipscomb UniversityNashville, TennesseeDon Meyer Camp Director

24. No radio rule

Most people have something that can help you in life to be a better person. If you ask other people enough questions you will find something about them that is both interesting and educating. People have a story to tell they just need someone to tell it to most of the time.

I have a personal rule I like to use if I am driving in the car with someone for the first time, we do not listen to the radio. In my job as a coach I get to do a lot of driving and some are short trips and some can be long trips. With my own kids now it is a no text rule. I just ask question after question to find out more about them. I have always been someone that loves to ask many questions. It comes in handy in recruiting student athletes. Ask enough questions and they will tell you everything you need to know. I have learned more in those car rides over the years just asking questions about someone and their life experiences than any radio DJ could teach me or songs on the radio can entertain.

In the summer of 2007 my assistant coach then, Kason Whitten, and I took a trip to Tulsa, Oklahoma. It was about a 9-hour drive one way. You have to know Coach Whitten to appreciate this, but he loves to talk. The neat thing was I learned more about him and his family in that drive than in the previous two years we had worked together. I got time to hear more about his stories in detail and the background of the stories. With a 9 hour ride up and 9 hour ride back we had plenty of time to talk.

That is part of my personality. Because I came from a family that was a little on the dysfunctional side I love to hear stories and details about someone’s home life. A lot of the time it is because I can relate to someone that went through a troubled time. My middle school years and early high school years were very depressing and not all pleasant memories. I know I have hurt and pain, so I figure somewhere in there everyone has some story to tell. It has helped me be successful in connecting as a coach and teacher and it is easy for me to do. Just ask enough questions and you will find out everything you need to know. In the tough game of college recruiting to be a good recruiter you must sell yourself. The best way to do that is learn as much as you can about the people you are recruiting. They don’t need to hear some slick sales pitch. They just need to have someone listen to them.

One of the great things about teaching and coaching is that you get to meet

a variety of people and from all different walks of life. I have found that if you ask enough questions you will find out some amazing things about people. Even when you think you know someone fairly well, by asking questions you still find out a lot of things that help you get to know the other person even better and in a deeper way.

The questions might be about them or someone in their family, but everyone has a story to tell. Everyone deserves to be listened to by someone else. I love just being able to get to know someone new and to ask question after question about his or her life. Inevitably, if you ask enough you will find out things you never knew.

I am amazed sometimes how little people know about co-workers, people on their team or in their class. What happens is that in our fast-paced society we have a tendency to think of only ourselves and have blinders on by looking at only what affects us instead of looking around and being astonished at the things you find out about people.

The easiest thing to do is just ask someone about his or her family. It usually breaks down the walls and allows you to find some common ground. The more I can find out about the family dynamics maybe it can give some insight into who they are as a person. My wife also can from a very difficult childhood so I feel I can relate and let other people know I understand (not that I always relate to every situation), but I understand the pain they may have. If a kid doesn’t want to talk too much I can completely appreciate that because it took me a long time to open up about my depression as kid and teenager.

If I can’t get them to open up about their family, I will move on to something else to get them to talk. In recruiting, it is all about getting the kid to talk. I know what I want to say and the points I need to say. I have heard myself talk enough. What I need is for that kid to talk. Then I will find out what is important to him. Unless I find out what he wants in choosing a school, I will never be able to sell him. I know we have at Belhaven and what kind of kids we can help here at Belhaven. Most people don’t go after what they need, but what they want. It is my job to find out what the student-athlete wants out of his college experience. Once I find that out the rest of the recruiting is much easier.

Think of the people that you come in contact with on a regular basis that you don’t really know well. Set a goal for this month to find out more about five people in your circle of friends. Find out more about where they grew up, what they like to do and what their dreams are for the future. You will be overwhelmed what you can learn about others and their story by asking questions.

A “Bio” is like a resume. It will list some of your accomplishments and activities you have been involved with during your life. Sometimes as college athletes they might put your bio on the internet or in a media guide. Now a lot of stuff gets put on MySpace or Facebook. I love reading that information about other people. It will list people’s favorite food, favorite movie, favorite book, favorite television show and a variety of things. Some people think that stuff is so silly, but I love reading information like those lists because it at least gives you a glimpse of what the person is like.

In our family we have the “favorite game”. We will go around and ask a question about favorite something: “What is your favorite family vacation? Favorite dessert? Favorite ice cream? Favorite restaurant? Favorite food?” We go around the dinner table or if we are in the car we go take turns answering. It is a fun way to remember things about family members and also to see how people tastes may change. Kids change their favorite movie or television show. You may change your favorite family vacation or something else. It keeps communication going and allows me to stay in tune with my kids.

I like to play a type of favorite game with recruits while in the car. Not as silly as with my family, but I will ask enough questions that I will know what that kid likes and dislikes. I keep it to more of favorite NBA team or NBA player. Probably not a good idea to ask him his favorite show on Disney or favorite Princess like my daughter Kailie is constantly asking me. I will be aware of what is important to him and what is not as important to him. The more I know the better chance I have to get him to our school, but the only way to do that is by shutting off other distractions and tuning into him and his answers.

I better do the same with my family. I need to understand what is important to each family member. What they like and dislike. Not saying to spoil them, but to be aware of what makes them happy. To make things real happy around the house I better make sure I know what my wife’s favorite things are for sure. The great thing about my wife is we all know her too well and her answers stay the same each time we play the game. Know your friends and know your family well by knowing what is important to them by asking them those questions.

“Everyone is born a genius, but the process of living de-geniuses them.” R. Buckminster Fuller

25. Everybody has a sign on his or her chest that says, “I want to be appreciated”

My wife at one time worked part time for a company called Arbonne International. They do a super job training their people and have very good products. The President of the company, Rita Davenport, likes to say that everyone has a sign on their chest that says, “I want to be appreciated” That is so true. No matter what we do and whatever our age we like to be appreciated. It is good to know that other people appreciate who we are and what we do.

In our fast moving society, we sometimes fail to appreciate those around us. What happens is the ones that are closest to us we sometimes treat the worst. Those that we love dearly for some reason we take them for granted. What often ends up happening is we fail to show the appreciation needed for

I want to be appreciated!

the ones that deserve it the most.

Find the five people that help or have helped you the most and write their names down on a piece of paper. Now write down how they have helped you in your life. Then make a decision and goal that you are going to make those five people feel appreciated. If they helped you in some way with your family, your job, your personal life, whatever it may be you make sure to make them feel appreciated. You can find a way big or small to do this task. It is not too hard. If you can’t start with five, try two or one. Whatever the case start with at least someone then it will be easier to move on to more people

If you can begin to make others really feel appreciated you will be amazed at their confidence level. It will help their self assurance and it will also help you. This book is about how to make that transition in life and if you are the type of person that can treat others as if they need to be appreciated, you will be in demand on the job market.

We have a rule that I give our basketball campers on the first day of every single camp. Their assignment is by the time their feet hit the driveway on their ride home from camp that first day is to tell someone “thank you”. Either someone paid for them to come to camp, someone made sure they had a way to get to camp or someone drove them to camp. Maybe the person did a combination of those things. Whatever the case is the campers are to tell someone “thank you” for getting them to camp by the end of that first day.

Some campers surely take the assignment to heart and some probably forget even though I remind them each day during the week to carry out the assignment if they missed it on the first day. What may be a small “thank you” in the mind of the campers is big in the mind of the person that drove or paid for the camper to be able to go to camp.

Everyone has the sign on our chest about being appreciated. The sign is there you just have to look hard enough. For most of us the sign is so big that you would have to be absolutely oblivious to miss it. It’s like when you are looking all over for that missing item and all along it’s been right in front of you, but you just kept missing the item.

Those who say they don’t need to be appreciated and don’t need compliments aren’t telling the truth. We all need it to get by. It’s like air and water. We need that appreciation for a variety of reasons. Even though each of us is wired differently we still have the basic need of being appreciated by others.

Having teenagers and young children you learn to be a chauffeur and drive

your children to a lot of different events and places. Do they jump up and down and show appreciation every time? No, but you know how they feel. With some parents and teenagers resentment starts to seep in the relationship when one of the parties begins to feel under appreciated. Parents want to be appreciated and teenagers get to a tender age where they would like to be respected and appreciated for what they do.

A lot of people work day in and day out to help other people and they don’t feel that appreciation reciprocated. Let’s start with parents and teachers. How many parents and teachers do you know that really feel appreciated? Probably not many that you come in contact with on a daily basis. Now let’s think for a second and what if those teachers and parents that are not appreciated started to feel appreciated. Do you think they would become better teachers and parents? Most of us would say yes.

We know we should show that appreciation to other people especially those that are underappreciated (like parents and teachers). Just like we know deep down that someone younger is looking up to us, but we don’t take the time to grasp the concept. We know the truth of the statement, but we don’t want to really believe that someone could look up to us with all our imperfections.

That is one of those unexplained circles of life that there is always some younger coming along that is looking up to another generation. One generation is looking up to the generation that came before them. We follow in the footsteps of those that went before us. Some of those footsteps were not good, but we still follow them.

Think of how it feels when someone younger than you thinks that you are really something special. It may be a family member or kid in the neighborhood that looks up to you. I see this all the time with my kids. Now that some of them are getting older, it is neat to watch them with younger kids. Those kids may be friends or extended family members. It gives my kids a chance to be heroes for a while and to feel special. That is how we need to treat everyone like they are so important to us and they mean a lot to us.

There are hundreds of ways to show appreciation, but if you can be sincere and from the heart that is the easiest way to make others fell special. Take time away from thinking about yourself and your list of problems to make other individuals feel good in whom they are. Everyone struggles with self-esteem and self-worth at some stage in their life. Make the effort to lift others up in your daily life. The sign is right there on someone’s chest right smack dab in front of you. We don’t intentionally miss the sign that says they want to be appreciated we just do.

When you take someone to the airport for a departing flight there are signs that will show you where to drop the passenger off to make it more convenient. Each airline has a sign that allows the passenger to know where is the easiest place to be dropped off so you end up close to their ticket counter. Once you are dropped off at the curb you walk in and the ticket counter is right in front of you. They don’t have a sign for a certain airline and then make you walk to the other end of the terminal. The airport and the airline want to make it as smooth as possible for you.

The same aspect as we treat others. Follow the signs. We all have the signs on our chest and we need to be aware that others wear the signs. It doesn’t matter how bad a day they are having, how rude they may be, what they may say, how they make you feel or how they feel about themselves. Everyone has problems and issues inside and some don’t know how to properly deal with those issues. Our role is to reach down inside with everything we have and tell ourselves that no matter what the situation I will treat others like they have the sign on their chest saying “I want to be appreciated.” You will be amazed at much better you feel and how much better you can make others feel by utilizing this one trait.

"We are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet on the way. Appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don't overlook it." Author Unknown

"I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism." Charles Schwab

26. Understand customer service

Whatever jobs you get in life at some point you will probably have to deal with customers. That means learning to help other people. Treat them like they are important and you value their business.

We have all been into stores, restaurants, car dealers, cell phone stores, etc. where it seems that the workers could care less if they made a sale or not. Remember all of those experiences when you get that job wherever it may be. Don’t treat your minimum wage job, your job that is helping pay your way through college or for gas or for car insurance as a meaningless job. Everyone who moved up the ladder in life had to start somewhere. There is story after story of people climbing the corporate ladder and they started out working a minimum wage job for the exact company. Most successful men and women in the business world had to pay their dues along the lines somewhere by doing menial and low paying jobs.

Don’t think a job is unimportant because you never know the contacts you may make that can help you down the road. You cannot move up until you master the job below. You have to take it one step at a time without missing a step. You learn work ethic and what it takes to succeed by going one step at a time. If someone does not have the work ethic for a minimum wage job then they are going to be in for a rude awakening once they join the work force and expect to get a higher paying job.

Going into any job you try to make as many friends as you can and do the best possible job. Work as well as you can with the people around you. You need to know one of the main reasons people lose their jobs is due to a failure to work well with other people. You never know who you may come in contact with and who you can make a big impression on just by working hard and treating them like a valued customer. Take the time when you make a purchase and visit stores of to see how you are treated. Use those situations like life lessons. As the great baseball player Yogi Berra said, “You can observe a lot just by watching”.

You will learn more by watching successful people and how they conduct business than most classes you will sit in as a student. Not that those classes are ineffective because you need that base of education. If you will invest time in watching how people treat others as treat you as a customer, you will learn a great deal about customer service.

Since I worked for Coach Meyer (Point #23) and played for Coach I know how to run and market a basketball camp. Each time we have taken over a program running the basketball camps was a big deal to me in the job interview. I view that camp as an extension of myself. I also view it as a huge marketing and promotion tool.

If we can get a kid to sign up for our basketball camp at the age of 8 and he has a positive experience he will go back and tells a couple of his buddies. The next year our numbers increase. If they have a good experience and the parents like what we are doing the numbers will go up. Maybe even one day a kid comes through our camp that is a prospect. If we have been giving him and his parent’s poor customer service since he was 8 we probably do not have a chance to sign him. If we treat him well and his parents like the camp we have put ourselves in a great position to sign the young man. You have to realize in the business world “the word of mouth” travels fast. You want that “word of mouth” about you and your product to be positive.

You may not be discovered for “American Idol” or “America’s Next Great Comic” working at McDonald’s or delivering pizzas, but you still have an impression to make (there is that word again, impression). You also develop habits and a work ethic that will carry over into your real life job. If you can work hard doing the minimum wage jobs and the low man on the totem pole jobs you can handle the big stuff.

Another great point my wife makes is that people may not remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel. You make people feel good by giving them the best customer service you can give. Don’t be a clock watcher at your job. Don’t spend all the time looking at your watch the entire time you are on the job. That will make you M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E. Get every ounce of enjoyment you can out of your first couple of jobs. You will remember them for the rest of your life, I promise. Remember them with good memories and leave with good memories. With so many different bills to pay and places to buy from you can see where customer service is important. In today’s business world customer service is vital to the success of a company.

Usually in the world of higher education presidents and the people that run the school don’t have a lot of day to day contact with the students, faculty and staff. If they are really good they have to be out raising money for the school and making sure the school can continue to operate.

At Belhaven, Dr. Roger Parrott came to our school at a very difficult time. The school was not in good shape financially. During his tenure he has made some remarkable decisions that have improved the school and has given the school a bright future. I wish I was able to be around him more to gain his insight. The times I have been around him I have learned a great deal.

How he handled a couple of situations behind closed doors left me with a lasting impression of the type of man he is as well as the wisdom the he possesses. In dealing with two separate issues I watched how he handled people in some very difficult circumstances. Both could have been cut and dry dealings without any compassion or insight. Thankfully I learned from him so I can use this to make me a better coach and more importantly dealing with people.

Dr. Parrott had the ability to handle each situation without leaving the customer (the individuals involved) upset and with a bad taste in their mouth. Instead he was able to cut through all the junk and get to the real problem He could put personalities aside and see what needed to be done as far as coming to resolve each issue. I learned a lot about customer service and about our president. I’m sure Dr. Parrott has had people leave his office upset also, but with these two instances I know that he gained loyal followers.

“The goal as a company is to have customer service that is not just the best, but legendary. Sam Walton

”It starts with respect. If you respect the customer as a human being, and truly honor their right to be treated fairly and honestly, everything else is much easier.”Unknown

27. Daily reflection

We all need time to have on our own where we can reflect and think about the day. I believe it is important to have a daily time where you pray to God and ask Him for direction and wisdom. Not just to ask him for things, but to ask for understanding and knowledge.

I learned about having a daily quiet time as part of my training with our Athletes in Action (AIA) basketball team. Part of our training through Campus Crusade for Christ was to make time each day privately to read God’s word and have a time of prayer. It was the first time I learned about having a “daily quiet time.” We need to slow down and have time with ourselves to reflect on what is going on in our life. Some of us go through life so fast we do not take the needed time to relax and reflect.

Reflection allows us to see where maybe we have offended someone or maybe we need to work on our attitude. Maybe there is someone I need to call and to encourage. Maybe there is someone out there that needs me. You have to pray that God gives you the wisdom and heart to carry out His will. Spending time alone with God is the best part of the day.

Most of my ideas happen in the shower, in the car or by sitting, praying and thinking. Take time to reflect. Thinking time is good. One of the leading authorities on leadership, John Maxwell, has a chair in his office that he uses for thinking. The only reason the chair is in his office is for him to have that place to think. It is his spot to relax, reflect and maybe get new ideas or new book concepts. He has that chair there for the purpose of thinking and reflecting.

Don’t go so fast that you don’t have time for yourself. You also need that time with God to share what is on your heart and to ask for his guidance and leadership in your life. I love to be able to sit on my back porch in the morning to pray, read my Bible and think. It may be have I sit in my car after I take my kids to school in the morning. It might be I close the door at work and just think alone in my office. I have found it is crucial to have time to reflect on your actions, your words and your future.

If you don’t have time to sit and reflect then you have too much going on in your life. You owe it to yourself to get to a place where you can be alone and think. This may mean if you are sharing living space with other people that you better get a good pair of headphones and listen to music on your mp3 player or IPod. Take the time and make the effort to get that individual alone time

I come from a family of people that are not relaxed. Being active and doing things, (acting nervous and worrying might be a better choice of words) is part of who I am. I also like to be alone with my thoughts to pray and ask God to give me wisdom in dealing with my family, my team or my friends. By slowing down and reflecting, you allow yourself to relax. Whatever your age you must learn to unwind or it will catch up with you. Stress is not good for anyone and will not help you get to where you want to be in the future. It will also hold you back in becoming the person you are capable of becoming.

One thing about my wife is loyalty. She is one of the most loyal people I know. Once you get on her good side it is very difficult to ever get off that side. Wayne Baker is one of her all time favorite people and one of my all time favorite bosses. Wayne Baker was our vice-president at Faulkner University while I was coaching there. He later went onto to be the President at York University in York, Nebraska.

There were a couple of years at Faulkner that were tough because I was such a young coach. Wayne was such a calming influence on me. He never got too up or too down. I wish I would have taken advantage more of our time together, but even the time we did have was impactful. He was never rattled.

When I was at that age that I couldn’t slow down and couldn’t relax Wayne

had the ability to influence me to see things from a bigger picture point of view. I wanted things now and wanted things quick. Because Wayne was such a so prayerful and did so much time reflecting it helped me relax. I made some dumb mistakes as a young coach, but he never made me feel stupid. We had some very good success also and he was good at patting me on the back. Without his peaceful influence it would have been tough to make it through those years at Faulkner. You need to have people in your life that you know have wisdom and spend time on their own in daily reflection so they can help you be better at getting that alone time to think.

I have found the more time I spend with the Lord either in His word or in prayer to Him the more relaxed I become. I don’t want to give you a set amount of time because you have to use what works for you. I think at least 10 minutes a day at a minimum is good place to start and the more time you can spend is even better. God wants to hear our heart and he wants us to share our heart with Him.

It is for our benefit and it is free to talk with Him so why don’t we use that resource as often as we can? I know all the excuses. I have heard them all and have probably used most of them, but the deal is this: there is no substitute. It is a matter of deciding in our hearts to ask God to give us the strength and discipline to spend time with him on a daily basis to work on a daily reflection time or quiet time. If you don’t have that time for yourself you will not take advantage of the greatest relationship you can have.

You are taking care of yourself and others with this time because it is a rejuvenation time and a time to listen to what God has for you. God wants time with us to hear our hearts and to listen to us. I tell kids that you would not go days or a day without talking with your boyfriend or girlfriend. You must take the same approach with God. He wants to hear from us daily, continually to know our hearts and we are to know him more by spending more time with Him.   Mark 1:35 “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.”

“We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties.”Oswald Chambers

28. Learn who makes the call

Adults really want you to know that you have a chance to be successful in life. There is always a hierarchy of command and power. A chain of

command of how things work in every organization. Whatever you do make sure to find out who is in charge and who makes the final decisions.

It is important to know who is going to make the major decisions and find out what they want from their employees or students. You fall in line with what they want and you will find yourself on the path to success. When I talk to our players before the season I try to give them advice on how to get more playing time. I don’t say this in a conceited way, but in a way that helps them better understand what the head coach wants. I heard this from a coach I once worked for and I think it makes a lot of sense. The line is, “Find out what the head coach wants.” You find that out then execute what he wants and you will gain more playing time. It sounds simple, but sometimes kids want to do their own thing and not follow the direction of the coach. Find out what the head coach wants from you if you don’t know already and then produce. Give the coach what he needs on the floor. Not what you think the teams needs, but what the coach wants for the team. It is the same way in business. Find out what the head honcho wants and then do what he or she wants done. Not what you think is best for the company, but what the boss wants.

Do you have your own agenda? Do you think your way is the best way? You better put that away and get done what needs to be done and what is in your job description. Understand the power brokers and the ones who really make the decision for your group. Someone is making the call and making the decision.

I have made mistakes when being an assistant coach trying to do things on my agenda. Instead of just buying in and following the plan I spent too much time worrying and complaining about my situation. Instead of putting a smile on my face and putting my head down and working hard I wanted to do things my way. It led me to nothing but problems. I see it all the time when I talk with assistant coaches on the road recruiting. You start to ask assistant coaches about their team and you can tell right away if they are happy or not. The ones that are happy are the ones that respect their head coach and back his or her decisions. The ones that think their ideas are better and think they could be playing better if they were playing different players or playing a different style are the ones that are not happy. Once they say, “If I was the coach….” I know they are doomed. Once they think they know more than the head coach it is going to give them problems. They might know more, but guess what? They are not in that position. When they become a head coach they can make those decisions.

It is the same thing in relationships. The ones that are not happy are the ones that place the blame on the other party. The ones that have the most happiness are the ones that look inside first and see what they need to work on before looking to try and make the other person better.

Play it safe and play it cool, but find out quickly who the boss is and what they want from you as an employee or student. Ask others and those in charge so that you know exactly what is expected from your role. More miscommunication happens in this area for students, athletes and businesses than should happen. So often there is a lack of communication and people have a failure to fully understand who is really in charge. People fail to know their own role and the role of others. People would rather avoid conflict than ask question even if it is better for them to ask the questions.

When you interview for a job you always want to put your best foot forward and hope things go well. One of the important things is that you are interviewing them also. Maybe not out loud, but in your mind. You have to find out who is making the call and who has the biggest voice in determining your job description and who you will report to on a daily basis.

Every work place has office politics. This is not saying you have to play office politics, but what I am saying is your better know who is the decision maker in each business. In addition, you need to be aware of those that are in the position they may be trying to make you look bad. Yes, I know you thought you left these problems in Junior High, but they continue into adulthood. You will be in situations where there are people trying to jockey themselves in front of others and it may be at your expense. As long as you know who is in control you need to stay on top of things.

You may not be the type that likes to play little mind games and to buddy up to people you don’t care for in the work place. Even so you have to be able to make certain adjustments. There are going to be people you are around that will not play by the same rules that you play by. Yes, it is their issue, but it is part of being employed. As long as there is a hierarchy of power, you will do yourself well to know how that chain of command works.

When I was leaving the University of Alabama I had to go meet with Mal Moore the Athletic Director to work out my severance package. At the University of Alabama there are a lot of connections to Paul “Bear” Bryant. He is revered in the state and on that campus. My office was his old film room while he was the football coach. I was college football fan, so I never ever got tired of hearing stories of Coach Bryant.

Mal Moore when we first were hired at Alabama was working in the athletic department, but not as the athletic director. He moved up to that job about a year and half after we got there. I went over to meet with Mal to discuss my insurance and how long my contract was going to last since I was not going to be coaching there the following year.

It was important that I made sure Mal understood my need for insurance with

my health situation and also to discuss with him my plans for the future. Since he would be making the call on how I was going to get paid, how long I could keep my cell phone, insurance, etc. I had to really get him to understand my point of view. I had my points of what I was prepared when I went into his office.

I was not sure if I would get 10 minutes or 5 minutes. What I got was about 45 minutes and it was a great 45 minute talk. We started talking about coaching and the profession. When I say that people are connected to Coach Bryant in some way well Mal was very much connected to him. Played for him and coached with him.

He got to telling story after story. I asked Mal about when Coach Bryant retired from coaching. Mal remember it as being one of the saddest times. He said they were in Memphis at the Liberty Bowl. They were getting back onto the bus one afternoon following their last practice session. At this point Coach Bryant knew he was going to retire from coaching. Mal said as he got ready to get on the bus he took one step on the bus then looked back at the field. Mal said you could see tears in Coach Bryant’s eyes. He knew Coach Bryant wanted to see that practice field one last time. By this time once Mal saw Coach Bryant crying he started to cry. Now as Mal is telling the story he is crying and I am crying. I know it sounds mushy, but it’s hard to find too many people that were with Coach Bryant for his last practice and his last game.

Well that’s the kind of boss I was dealing with and you can imagine what happened next. Mal understood my points and I am not sure if I was able to even make my speech after he finished that story on top of all the other ones he had. He allowed me to get the things ‘I needed in my severance package. It comes down to knowing who makes the decisions and what kind of person they are.

If you think you have all the answers then you should own your own business and then you do it your own way, but until then do what the head person wants. Everyone will get along a lot better and you will learn how things work

One of the valuable keys toward success in life is in knowing who makes the major decisions.

“There's nothing worse than finding yourself in a situation, a very demanding pieceof work, and knowing that you're not a true ally to the person who's in charge of all that.” Daniel Day-Lewis

“Some of us will do our jobs well and some will not, but we will be judged by only one thing, the result.”Vince Lombardi

29. It’s much easier to do it correct the first time than to have to redo the entire project

I have a couple of things that could get me in the Guinness Book of World Records. Unfortunately, they are all the negative kind of records. Give me a power drill and I can drill a hole. It may not be in the correct location or even the right size. I am not sure how many holes I have drilled into the walls of all the homes we have lived in over the years. I can safely say I have more improperly drilled holes than properly drilled holes.

My wife of course will ask if I measured correctly and if I know what I am doing, “Yeah, yeah got it all under control” is usually my response. That of course means I have no idea what I have just done nor do I know how to fix the original project. Now I have two projects. The original project and the second one to clean up the mess and damage I made the first go around.

My first major mistake in home repair was taking on a project out of my league. We were living in Montgomery, Alabama and this was an older home in an historic district. This was the first home we owned and I was a proud new home owner. I had a couple of early successes with some house projects so I was feeling a little bit like I might be able to do some things around the house after all. Wrong!

I was trying to fix bathtub faucets in our master bathroom. I came out of the wrong end of a battle with one of the faucet handles. The house was built in

the 1920’s and the faucet handles looked as if they were the originals. Unfortunately, the handle was in good shape and was very valuable before the day started. The sad part is that it did not get along with the tools I had. It really did seem like an easy task when you just looked at the situation. By the time I was finished it didn’t look like you could mess it up much more than I did. It was a complete wreck

After botching that task completely, my wife said from now on we are getting a professional to handle situation like this. If it is something out of our hands and we don’t have the expertise we will get a professional to handle the duties.

It hurt my confidence as a handy repairman for about five minutes. I did not have a background in being able to fix most things. I just didn’t learn those things growing up. I’m not really sure if I could have learned the skills any way because of my lack of talent, but it would have been interesting to see if I could have adapted to learn handyman skills. I have since gotten over my feelings being hurt and we use someone with more experience most of the time.

You probably have examples of instead of doing it right the first time you had to go back and do it all over again. You think you know and you try to cut corners. You think you can do it in less time and now the task takes twice as long because you have to redo the whole project. Take the time and do the job right the first time.

It always pays to measure twice, cut once. To go over your paper again to make sure you have eliminated the mistakes. Before getting too far along into a project, you must understand explicitly the details for the assignment. It is a pain to go over something you have worked on and went over with a fine toothcomb, but it always pays to take another look.

You had times when you were told to clean your room. What happens is you go to your room and you don’t clean it correctly so now your parents get upset and you have been given another chore in addition to cleaning your room. It may take time, but you will learn there are usually no easy shortcuts to getting the job done correctly. I have watched students take more time and energy to cut a corner or to find a way to do a project easier. If they would just dig in and invest in doing it correctly right off the bat, they will be much happier.

One problem with computers is that even though it cuts down on time and makes things more effective it can still be counterproductive. You can still spend more time trying to cut the corners or trying to find an easier way to do something than just putting in the time and getting the job done. Get it done right the first time.

“The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.”Walt West

“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.”James Joyce

30. We are all tired-no complaining

Believe it or not we are all tired and probably don’t want to hear how drained you are. I know that goes against the earlier points about being a good listener.

The basic point is no one wants to listen to people complain constantly. I tell our players if we have an early morning practice when they show up “Hey we are all tired and would rather still be asleep, but we are here now and we are going to make the most of this practice session” Complainers are not attractive and it is not becoming of someone that wants to be successful in

life. This is coming from someone that has struggled with energy and tired issues for years.

I have taken the blood tests and all the different drinks and pills. I’m still tired. Guess what? No one really cares and they don’t want to hear about it the problem. Let me rephrase that; some people will care. You will have that certain group of friends that we talked about earlier that will listen to you and care about you. Most other people won’t be as empathetic. So don’t expect to hear sympathy for how tired you are.

In my job, we do so much travel and have a different weekly schedule it is very difficult to get on a set routine. That being the case as I get older I have to realize what I can and cannot do as far as level of energy. That’s ok. I am learning how to get the most out of my time when I am awake and full of energy.

Get the most out of every day you can, but understand you will have limitations. Your fellow workers and competitors deep down don’t care how tired you are so complaining to them will not get you very far. Make the most of what you have when you have that high energy level.

Dealing with athletes that are trained to push their body to the limits, I have been able to see guys that take care of their bodies and are in great shape. For a lot of us we allow our tiredness to be an excuse for what we have to do. Sometimes I think our own tiredness comes out of not prioritizing and not being smart with our time. If we continue to eat poorly and not get the proper rest, we are going to be tired. Some people can get by on little sleep and I wish I was one of those people, but I can’t do that to my body and get away with it for very long. It catches up and it will catch up on you. The thing to know is people most of the time do not want to hear about your problems. That is unfortunate, but that is how some of us are wired. You have to be careful of what is sharing a problem and what is complaining. We all know that complainers are not fun to be around.

You have to make sure you are not a complainer, but someone that likes to have solutions. I had to learn to not complain a hard way. In the summer of 1986, I took part in a tour with Athletes in Action (AIA) basketball team (like I discussed earlier). The trip was fantastic. I was well taught in God’s word and living the Christian life. I made some life-long friends and we were able to see some fascinating places. We played and toured in Bolivia, Peru and Brazil. We played 25 games in 40 days. Some of the travel and living conditions were a little bit tough. The food at some of the places was not the best. We were able to have some incredible meals many times. For most of us on the tour we had enough beans and rice to last us for a while.

The complaining for us started with a couple of guys then started to spread

to the whole team. We started complaining about the food first. Then I began to notice that we were complaining about everything. We would complain about our housing, we would complain about our travel and we would complain about anything. We discussed it as a group and our Discipleship leader said we should be careful in how we act and react to things. We were here to share God’s word with the people in the countries we were touring. We were to be good examples. He was right. For most of us once the complaining started, a lot of us would jump in the discussion. A lot of the time we spent complaining could have spent in more meaningful conversation. You could see things starting to fester and grow. Guys would start to complain and then as soon as it started others would jump in. It got to the point where we expected to have something to complain about the next time we turned around. The next meal, the next housing situation, whatever it was going to be we knew we were in for a disappointment.

Instead of being grateful, we began to feed of each other and the complaining got worse and worse. The trip was so much fun and the relationships were awesome. If we continued to complain, it probably would have ruined the entire trip and the memories. As a group we got together and laid things out. We said if we don’t stop complaining it is going to take away from our entire experience and the reason we came down here in the first place. A lot of us were ready to get back home, but we knew we had made a commitment to this team and tour. Thankfully, we made a decision to stop our complaining. I have some of my best friends off that trip and have lasting memories.

During that trip, I made one of those “God deals” You know the ones. You say “God is you will just do……. I will stop doing……… “We all have made them. This was a 40-day trip so we were gone a long time. I told God, “If you will just get me back home, I will never complain about food again”. He got me home and I actually kissed the ground at the Miami Airport once we made it back to the United States. Since then I kept my word and have not complained about food. I try to be very thankful for what I have and if I don’t have, I just do without. It has been a great thing for me because I can be negative if I am not careful. So not being able to complain about food was great discipline for me. I get very upset when my kids or my players complain about food. I want to tell them “You don’t know how good you got it!” Even in saying that I don’t think they understand sometimes. Yes, I have had some bad food since 1986, but I don’t let anyone else know about it and keep it to myself.

The issue is really no one wants to be around someone that complains on a constant basis. It is a daily decision you have to make. You can make the daily decision to complain or suck it up and move on. Things are going to hot-cold, new-old, too big-too small, not enough-too much, costs too much-not paying me enough, too late-too early and on and on and on.

Complainers are not pleasant to be around and they are not the kind of people that draw other to them. Are there areas in your own life where you complain too much? What are you going to replace the complaining with? Start this week to complain less and be grateful more often.

“You get very tired, and there was a certain amount of pain and you slow up. Your legs are so tired that you are in fact slowing. If you don't keep running, keep your blood circulating, the muscles stop pumping the blood back and you get dizzy. “Roger Bannister (1st person to run a mile under 4 minutes)

“I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.”Yogi Berra

VII. We are all tired-no complaining

Believe it or not we are all tired and probably don’t want to hear how drained you are. I know that goes against the earlier points about being a good listener.

The basic point is no one wants to listen to people complain constantly. I tell our players if we have an early morning practice when they show up “Hey we are all tired and would rather still be asleep, but we are here now and we are going to make the most of this practice session” Complainers are not attractive and it is not becoming of someone that wants to be successful in life. This is coming from someone that has struggled with energy and tired issues for years.

I have taken the blood tests and all the different drinks and pills. I’m still tired. Guess what? No one really cares and they don’t want to hear about it the problem. Let me rephrase that; some people will care. You will have that certain group of friends that we talked about earlier that will listen to you and care about you. Most other people won’t be as empathetic. So don’t expect to hear sympathy for how tired you are.

In my job, we do so much travel and have a different weekly schedule it is very difficult to get on a set routine. That being the case as I get older I have to realize what I can and cannot do as far as level of energy. That’s ok. I am learning how to get the most out of my time when I am awake and full of energy.

Get the most out of every day you can, but understand you will have limitations. Your fellow workers and competitors deep down don’t care how tired you are so complaining to them will not get you very far. Make the most of what you have when you have that high energy level.

Dealing with athletes that are trained to push their body to the limits, I have been able to see guys that take care of their bodies and are in great shape. For a lot of us we allow our tiredness to be an excuse for what we have to do. Sometimes I think our own tiredness comes out of not prioritizing and not being smart with our time. If we continue to eat poorly and not get the

proper rest, we are going to be tired. Some people can get by on little sleep and I wish I was one of those people, but I can’t do that to my body and get away with it for very long. It catches up and it will catch up on you. The thing to know is people most of the time do not want to hear about your problems. That is unfortunate, but that is how some of us are wired. You have to be careful of what is sharing a problem and what is complaining. We all know that complainers are not fun to be around.

You have to make sure you are not a complainer, but someone that likes to have solutions. I had to learn to not complain a hard way. In the summer of 1986, I took part in a tour with Athletes in Action (AIA) basketball team (like I discussed earlier). The trip was fantastic. I was well taught in God’s word and living the Christian life. I made some life-long friends and we were able to see some fascinating places. We played and toured in Bolivia, Peru and Brazil. We played 25 games in 40 days. Some of the travel and living conditions were a little bit tough. The food at some of the places was not the best. We were able to have some incredible meals many times. For most of us on the tour we had enough beans and rice to last us for a while.

The complaining for us started with a couple of guys then started to spread to the whole team. We started complaining about the food first. Then I began to notice that we were complaining about everything. We would complain about our housing, we would complain about our travel and we would complain about anything. We discussed it as a group and our Discipleship leader said we should be careful in how we act and react to things. We were here to share God’s word with the people in the countries we were touring. We were to be good examples. He was right. For most of us once the complaining started, a lot of us would jump in the discussion. A lot of the time we spent complaining could have spent in more meaningful conversation. You could see things starting to fester and grow. Guys would start to complain and then as soon as it started others would jump in. It got to the point where we expected to have something to complain about the next time we turned around. The next meal, the next housing situation, whatever it was going to be we knew we were in for a disappointment.

Instead of being grateful, we began to feed of each other and the complaining got worse and worse. The trip was so much fun and the relationships were awesome. If we continued to complain, it probably would have ruined the entire trip and the memories. As a group we got together and laid things out. We said if we don’t stop complaining it is going to take away from our entire experience and the reason we came down here in the first place. A lot of us were ready to get back home, but we knew we had made a commitment to this team and tour. Thankfully, we made a decision to stop our complaining. I have some of my best friends off that trip and have lasting memories.

During that trip, I made one of those “God deals” You know the ones. You say “God is you will just do……. I will stop doing……… “We all have made them. This was a 40-day trip so we were gone a long time. I told God, “If you will just get me back home, I will never complain about food again”. He got me home and I actually kissed the ground at the Miami Airport once we made it back to the United States. Since then I kept my word and have not complained about food. I try to be very thankful for what I have and if I don’t have, I just do without. It has been a great thing for me because I can be negative if I am not careful. So not being able to complain about food was great discipline for me. I get very upset when my kids or my players complain about food. I want to tell them “You don’t know how good you got it!” Even in saying that I don’t think they understand sometimes. Yes, I have had some bad food since 1986, but I don’t let anyone else know about it and keep it to myself.

The issue is really no one wants to be around someone that complains on a constant basis. It is a daily decision you have to make. You can make the daily decision to complain or suck it up and move on. Things are going to hot-cold, new-old, too big-too small, not enough-too much, costs too much-not paying me enough, too late-too early and on and on and on.

Complainers are not pleasant to be around and they are not the kind of people that draw other to them. Are there areas in your own life where you complain too much? What are you going to replace the complaining with? Start this week to complain less and be grateful more often.

“You get very tired, and there was a certain amount of pain and you slow up. Your legs are so tired that you are in fact slowing. If you don't keep running, keep your blood circulating, the muscles stop pumping the blood back and you get dizzy. “Roger Bannister (1st person to run a mile under 4 minutes)

“I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.”Yogi Berra