The Sitges Flyer

Page 1 The Sitges Flyer

THESITGESFLYERAPRIL_2013


Fun & informative stuff about Sitges

[email protected]

It’s meant to be a cross between a local magazine and an internet version of one of those noticeboards you get in good cafes. The sort with notices about rooms to let, cars to sell, restaurants to visit, bars to try, intercambio nights, yoga classes, babysitters, translators, sports reports, new businesses, networking nights, take away and home delivery menus, language schools, happy hours, unhappy hours, second hand bikes, car-sharing schemes, scientology cheese and wine evenings, that sort of thing.

Indeed if you’ve got something you want to tell people about and can be bothered to send us up to a hundred words and a picture, we’ll do our best to put it up for you. Unless it really is a scientology cheese and wine evening. But then again, sod it, why not, who are we to judge?

A few words about your new business venture, your upcoming trip to the North Pole, an amusing picture of grown ups having tomato fights, gossip, a funny story about your life as a contract killer – just send it in.

And then we fill in the gaps with our usual drivel about nothing in particular and hey presto, voila, bob’s your uncle, the new Sitges Flyer. Brought to you with the very minimum of effort.

As Oscar Wilde once said, “By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.”

WELCOMETO ThIS, ThE nEW LOOk SITgES FLyER.

mailto:thesitgesflyer%40gmail.com?subject=the%20sitges%20flyer


4-9 SPAnISh nEWS

10-15 SITgES nEWS

20-21 WhATS On

22-23 DJAngO FILM REVIEW

28-29 CInnAMOn´S ThAI gREEn CURRy

32-33 SITgES STALkER

36-39 ThE DAILy CALCOT

EDITOR JOE SWAInDESIgnER gLEnn gOODWIn

COVER PhOTO DAn WARD

COnTEnTSTO ThIS, ThE nEW LOOk SITgES FLyER.

mailto:osogoodwin%40mac.com?subject=


If you were resident in Spain in 2012, you need to report the assets you own outside Spain by the end of April 2013, says tax and wealth management advisors, Blevins Franks.This is apparently a new reporting obligation and is additional to income tax and wealth tax returns. A new form will be released soon for this purpose. It will be mandatory to file it online. There are three reporting categories, and you have to report all assets in a particular category if the value of your total assets in that category amounts to over

€50,000:1. Accounts held with financial institutions (all cash and deposit accounts)2. Shares, securities, life assurance policies, annuity income, income generated from loans, rights or other assets.3. Immovable property and rights over such property.The bottom line:Nobody seems to know quite what the tax authorities will do with all the new information, but one suspects it won’t be for the purpose of compiling a christmas

card list.For the time being however, we are assured that this is part of a renewed attempt to squeeze uber-rich foreign residents. The sorts who come over here, soaking up all our sunshine and not paying any tax for the privilege. The non-uber rich among you might want to watch this space though...For proper advice try contacting Blevins Franks direct at www.blevinsfranks.com

nO MOnEy,nO hOnEy.FOREIgn RESIDEnTS MUST DECLARE ‘ALL’ OVERSEAS ASSETS by EnD OF APRIL 2013

SPAnISh nEWS


If you have any stuff for us please feel free to contact us on [email protected]



Spain’s Crown Prince Felipe, 44, was leaving church

after attending the funeral of an aristocratic friend

when a destitute woman waiting outside the main

door held out her hand in the hope of receiving

money. Mistaking the woman, described in the

Spanish press as a ‘beggar’, for a well-wisher, Prince

Filipe shook her firmly by the hand and strode on

past.

The incident, which was caught on camera, has

been described as “extremely cringeworthy” by

royal commentators.

“Prince Philip on faced one of those embarrassing

moments that occur when protocol rules collide

with life itself, or rather, with misery,” wrote an

editorial in El Periodico newspaper.

The incident has of course added fuel to the

ongoing rumblings in the country about how out

of touch with the plight of their people the royal

family have become.

It follows hot on the heels of King Juan Carlos’s

ill-fated decision to go elephant hunting in

Botswana in April this year, a decision which was

roundly criticized and ultimately led to the King

being stripped of his regional presidency of the

World Wildlife Fund. You shoot one tiny little

elephant…

CROWn PRInCE FELIPE MISTAkESbEggAR FOR WELL-WIShER

SPAnISh nEWS


CROWn PRInCE FELIPE MISTAkESbEggAR FOR WELL-WIShER“extremely cringeworthy”




El Pais newspaper has published photographs of ledgers showing alleged payments to Popular Party figures, including PM Rajoy who the newspaper says collected 25,200 euros a year between 1997 and 2008.

Addressing the PP national executive meeting in an

extraordinary session to discuss the El Pais allegations in Madrid, Mr Rajoy said: “It is not true that we received cash that we hid from tax officials.”

El Pais has photos of the alleged ledgers on its website.

As Mr Rajoy spoke, several hundred demonstrators gathered outside the party headquarters shouting “thieves” and “resign”.

El Pais said the photographs it had published were of ledgers kept by former treasurers Luis Barcenas and Alvaro Lapuerta between 1990 and 2009.

Money was allegedly paid by firms via Mr Barcenas, who stepped down in 2009 and is currently under investigation for money-laundering.

Investigators recently revealed that Mr Barcenas held a Swiss bank account which at one point held as much as 22m (£19m; $30m) euros.

The allegations raise ethical questions about the Popular Party’s dealings during the period of Spain’s building boom, when politicians granted large numbers of development contracts.

RAJOy’S SECRET PAyMEnTS SCAnDAL gETTIng WhIFFIER by ThE DAy

Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy denies claims that he and other members of the governing Popular Party received secret payments.

SPAnISh nEWS


Europe’s biggest casino and conference cen-tre to bring jobs, but also fears of gambling addiction, prostitution and mafia activities.

After the first stone is laid late this year it will become one of Europe’s biggest building sites, creating tens of thousands of jobs in recession-hit Spain, as a vast complex of ho-tels, casinos and conference centres – pos-sibly complete with a replica of New York’s Times Square – emerges from dusty fields outside Madrid.

EUR 8.3bn ‘EURO-VEgAS’ gAMbLIng COMPLEx TO bE bUILT nEAR MADRID

dan ward



Page 10 The Sitges Flyer SITgES nEWS


SITgES’ PERFORMIng ARTS UnIVERSITy PROJECT bACk OnA couple of years ago we reported the imminent arrival of a performing arts university in Sitges, a project which in those days was known as Qualia Sitges.

With ill-concealed glee, we relayed the news that as a consequence of the EUR 130m development, Sitges would very soon be home to hundreds of artistically gifted students from all around the world honing their skills together under the expert tutelage of wizards and elves. That our streets would soon be home to giddy throngs of street performers, actors, dancers, musicians, comedians, unicyclists, jugglers and probably a fair few people pretending to struggle uphill against a strong wind.

But then the project seemed to disappear and most people assumed that like so many other good ideas it had fallen victim to

the slashing blade of the Grim Crisis.

But, and it’s a joyous but once more, we are pleased to announce that the project is apparently back on. Albeit in a scaled back version that will see it start life in the Disseny Centre in Can Pei.

The Mayor of Sitges, Michael Horn, having just signed an agreement with the president of the Institute of Arts Barcelona (new project title?) Mark Lethem.

This institute was originally founded by Giles Auckland-Lewis, and was both inspired and supported by the famous Liverpool Institute for Performing Arts whose principal benefactor is Paul McCartney.

So unicycling jugglers in Sergeant Pepper uniforms perhaps?

According to a more

sensible report in the Times Education Supplement (www.timeshighereducation.co.uk) The IAB will start this year by offering one-year diplomas in dance, acting and musical theatre.

“From 2014, it will roll out bachelor’s degrees in the same subjects. Two years after that, it plans to introduce undergraduate courses in stage management, arts entrepreneurship, popular music and film production, along with master’s degrees in dance, theatre making, musical theatre, arts entrepreneurship and music.”

Student numbers are expected to be about 40 to start with this year, rising over the next few years to a maximum of 600.

Quite how many of these students will be any good at pretending to walk uphill against a strong wind, is however still unclear.




OFF ThEbEATEn TRACk


On 23rd October 1923 Sitges played host to its very first top-flight motor racing event at a purpose-built track on the outskirts of the town made out of new-fangled ‘concrete’. So well built was the 2km long circuit, with its turning banks set at a jaunty 60 degrees to horizontal, that it remains today, largely intact. Albeit disguised as a chicken farm.

Indeed, anyone who is familiar with the beginning of the film ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’ when the children find the neglected race car all overgrown with weeds and home to a large brood of chickens, will know what it means to happen across this rather sad, lumbering beast of sporting antiquity reduced to the status of a barnyard pen.

When I first stumbled across it a few years ago, blissfully unaware (as you no longer are, and for that I apologise) of its existence, I thought I had somehow cycled through a wormhole in the space-time continuum to the 1920s. When the disappointment of that not actually being the case had subsided, I lifted my bike over a limp strand of barbed wire and tried to figure out exactly what I had discovered.

Had I been an explorer a couple of hundred years ago I might well have planted a flag in the ground and claimed it for my motherland.

“You can’t claim this place for your motherland, we live here,” one of the chicken farmers would probably have moaned.

“Of course I can. I have a flag. Do you have a flag? No? Well there you go then.”

To continue the film analogies it also reminded me of that bit in Planet of The Apes when Charlton Heston discovers the submerged statue of liberty on the beach and realizes that he isn’t on a different planet after all, but his own, many centuries into the future

Sadly the track hosted top-flight competition only that once, in 1923. After a squabble with the builders, a failure to pay out any prize money, and most of the drivers complaining that the banks were too steep to be safe, the owners had their license withdrawn and were banned from staging any more international events.

It’s worth a look, honest. Best way to get there is from Rocamar, right opposite the campsites. You can’t miss it, just blag your way past the time lords, and you’re in.

DIDYOUKNOW?

http://https://maps.google.es/maps%3Fq%3DAutodrome%2Brocamar%2Bsitges%26ie%3DUTF-8%26ei%3DKX5JUZXKEsOw7AayzIHADw%26ved%3D0CAsQ_AUoAg



CARNIVAL


mailto:barcelonasportstours%40gmail.com?subject=BST

http://www.cinnamonsitges.com

http://viva3dfilms.com/

http://www.sitgeshillsvillas.com


spoon.fmPlaying funkytunes all day

and night




http://www.spoon.fm

http://www.sitgeshillsvillas.com



Shopping List

1. Best Pan:

Veritas

2. Best Coffee :

Cafe de mon

3. Best Meat:

Above Mercadona

4. Best Value Supermarket:

Carrefour

MUST DO EVENT

San Jordi 23 April - St George’s Day (Patron

Saint of Catalonia) is celebrated every year in Catalonia.

It is said to be the most romantic day of the year and is also

known as ‘El Dia de los Amantes’ (Day of the Lovers). During

the celebrations, lovers give and receive gifts of books and

roses. In Sitges there will be a number of stalls selling books and

roses along Passeig de la Ribera, and other events such as book

readings, human towers and sardana dancing.

5 Red cardsin 5mins...This is a classic game...Sitges v Dynamo where the referee lost it completely. Great com-mentary aswell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3D5yHtKMMsJQ8


Shopping List

1. Best Pan:

Veritas

2. Best Coffee :

Cafe de mon

3. Best Meat:

Above Mercadona

4. Best Value Supermarket:

Carrefour

Best List1. Best Cafe Bar

- Rock Cafe2. Best Value Restaurant

- La Luna3. Best Bar - Tres Quarts

4. Best BURGER -

Magma

San Jordi 23 April - St George’s Day (Patron

Saint of Catalonia) is celebrated every year in Catalonia.

It is said to be the most romantic day of the year and is also

known as ‘El Dia de los Amantes’ (Day of the Lovers). During

the celebrations, lovers give and receive gifts of books and

roses. In Sitges there will be a number of stalls selling books and

roses along Passeig de la Ribera, and other events such as book

readings, human towers and sardana dancing.

Did you know?If you live north of the train station you can get a card pass to go thru the station.




WHAT’S ONJazz Antic Sitges 5-7 AprilSitges Town Jazz Festival bringing the music of New Orleans to the streets of Sitges.

Catalonia-America Week March 22-April 6Brought to Sitges by Joventuts Musicals de Sitges. The week celebrates the rich cultural heritage between Catalonia and America and features a number of concerts, exhibitions, poetry readings, tours and more.

www.joventutsmusicals.cat/sitges

San Jordi 23 April - St George’s Day (Patron Saint of Catalonia)is celebrated every year in Catalonia. It is said to be the most romantic day of the year and is also known as ‘El Dia de los Amantes’ (Day of the Lovers). During the celebrations, lovers give and receive gifts of books and roses. In Sitges there will be a number of stalls selling books and roses along Passeig de la Ribera, and other events such as book readings, human towers and sardana dancing.

Thursdays 10-14h Sitges market with food, clothes, cosmetics and accessories at Park Can Robert.

Thursdays 22.30h Jazz Jam sessions at Retiro La Cava, Calle Àngel Vidal 17

http://www.sitges.cat/jsp/agenda/detall.jsp%3Fid%3D4855

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jazz-Antic-Sitges/326872277412863

http://www.facebook.com/cava.retirositges


WHAT’S ON

Thursdays 19-22h Folk Club at Sitges Rock Café, Passeig de Vilanova 1 (Oasis)

Sundays 12h onwards Open-air Vermouth & Jazz at Utopia Beach House, Carrer de Socias, 22

Sundays (until 19 May) 12h guided tours at 19th century landmark Palau Maricel building ending with a glass of cava on the terraces. Cost €6.50

CineClub Sitges shows a Version Original film every other week (Thursdays) at rotating venues around Sitges.

To get up-to-the-minute daily information about events and activities in Sitges we suggest that you follow our friends at Social Sitges. They offer detailed information about local upcoming events - from the big and beautiful, to the small and lesser discovered happenings around town.

For day-to-day updates on events, activities and all things social in Sitges...visit Social Sitges


http://www.utopiasitges.com/

http://www.museusdesitges.com/?p=2585&lang=es

www.facebook.com/socialsitges

http://www.facebook.com/CineClubSitges?ref=stream)

http://www.facebook.com/pages/sitges-rock-cafe/211530702255359

www.facebook.com/socialsitges



I have to face it: Quentin Tarantino’s “Django Unchained” is his most entertaining piece of moviemaking since “Pulp Fiction.” Some of it, particularly in the first half, is excruciatingly funny, and all of it has been brought off in a spirit of burlesque merriment-vio-lent absurdity pushed to the level of flagrancy and beyond. That’s the place where Tarantino is happiest: out at the edge, playing with genre conventions, turning expectations inside out, ginning up the violence to exploitation-movie levels. The film is in two parts: the first half is a mock Western; the second is a mock-revenge melodrama about slavery, set in the deep South and ending in fountains of redemptive spurting blood. “Django” is a crap masterpiece, garrulous and repe-titive, rich with jokes and cruel-ties, including some Old South cruelties that Tarantino invented for himself. It’s a very strange movie, luridly sadistic and morally ambitious at the same time, and

the audience is definitely alive to it, revelling in its incongruities, enjoying what’s lusciously and profanely over the top.What’s even stranger than the movie, however, is how seriously some of our high-minded cri-tics have taken it as a portrait of slavery. Didn’t they notice that Tarantino throws in an “S.N.L.”-type skit about the Ku Klux Klan, who gather on their horses for a raid only to complain petulantly that they can’t see well out of their slitted white hoods? Or that Samuel L. Jackson does a roaring, bug-eyed parody of an Uncle Tom house slave in the second half? Or that the heroine of the movie, a female slave, is called Broomhilda von Shaft? Could Mel Brooks have done any bet-ter? (“Lili von Shtupp,” I suppose, is slightly better.) Yes, we are told that Broomhilda’s German mistress gave her the name and taught her German, but Tarantino is never more improbable than

when he supplies explanations for his most bizarre fancies. Some of his characters spring from old genre movies, some spring full-blown from the master’s head. None have much basis in life, or in any social reality to speak of. (Remember the Jews who killed Nazis with baseball bats?) Yes, of course, there were killers in the Old West and cruel slave masters in the South—central charac-ters in the movie—but Tarantino juices everything into gaudy pop fantasy. I enjoyed parts of “Django Unchained” very much, but I’m surprised that anyone can take it as anything more than an enor-mous put-on.

Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/culture/2013/01/django-unchained-reviewed-tarantinos-crap-masterpiece.html#ixzz2MrdN59Hb

DJAngOMAngO?IS TARAnTInO A gEnIUS OR In US?



Sitges blackboard

If you have anything for our blackboard contact us [email protected]

PLANET ENGLISH -

MORNING CLUB for children

between 2 and 5

weekday mornings

9.30-13.30am

MY NAME IS SLIM SHADY

F

mailto:info%40sitgesflyer.com?subject=

http://planetenglishclub.com/web/morning_club.htm






English Language LessonsFor one on one conversationin your or our house.

20 euros an hourcontact Carolina 636 251 058

If you have anything for our blackboard contact us [email protected]

Fantastic Toys and Clothes for kids at lullabyC/Sant Josep, Sitges

MY NAME IS SLIM SHADY

M

mailto:info%40sitgesflyer.com?subject=


FUTBOL TRIALS INGLATERRA

We are looking for talented players aged 15 / 16 / 17 who feel they have what it takes to play professional or semi pro football in England.Our aim is to give you the best opportunity to have a career as aprofessional footballer in England.

Stage 1 Contact us and register your profile at: www.footballtrialsengland.comStage 2 Open Trials will be held in Barcelona from 3hrs per day with British & Spanish Academy Coaches. Registration fee 50 Euros per player.Stage 3 16 players will be selected to travel to England for 4 nights. They will train and play against elite academy teams in front of Scouts and coaches from Pro Clubs at all levels of English Football.

Why Futbol Trials Inglaterra? · Based in Barcelona, London, Bristol and Leeds.· Professional Spanish and English Academy Coaches and Scouts.

· Direct links with Academy Managers and Coaches - Man City, Everton, Tottenham, Fulham, Hull City,

Charlton Athletic, Brighton, Leeds Utd, Burnley, Huddersfield Town, Barnsley, Bradford City.

· Work directly with UK player agents.

Good luck for the season and we look forward tomeeting you!

Would you like the opportunity to playprofessional football in England ?




GREEN CURRY PASTE: Handfull of fresh green chilliesPiece of fresh galangal about the size of your thumb1 head of garlic1 bunch of fresh coriander with the roots if possibleHeaped table spoon of prawn paste4 pieces of lemon grass2 challotes6 lime leavesThe peel of half a limeTeaspoon of coriander seedsTeaspoon of cumin

1. Grind the coriander seeds and cumin seeds together2. put the rest of the ingredients in a blender or food processor with a cup of water and make a paste3. Add the cumin and coriander powder to the paste

Ingredients.Half a cup of fish sauceHalf a cup of brown sugar 4 stalks of lemon grass10 lime leaves1 litre of coconut milkBox of cherry tomatoes1.5 kg of chicken, either breast, or boneless thighs, or to be authentic 1 whole chicken cut in small piecesHalf a cup of olive oil

1. Take a large wok and heat the olive oil till just smoking, add the cherry tomatoes and the paste, fry untill the tomatoes begin to burst2. Add the lime leaves and lemon grass3. Add the fish suace and brown sugar4. Add the chicken and stir till it begins to go amalgamate with the paste etc5. Add the coconut milk and bring all to the boil6. Cook for 30 minutes

Serve with sticky rice and a cold beer. But, if you can´t be bothered cooking it yourself:

ThAI gREEnCURRy

CInnAMOnSPECIAL

www.cinnamonsitges.com


Norauto style

roof-rack

Suitable for Citroen C3

90 euros new

yours for 30 euros

[email protected]

Social Football Team needs

more players.If you’ve got an old pair of boots in the cupboard

gathering dust and fancy a run around on Sunday

evenings, why not [email protected]

EXPAT RELOCATION SERVICES (ERS)ERS offers a relocation service tailored to your personal

needs. The service is designed to help save you time, to

relieve you of stress and worry and to help you integrate

into the Spanish way of life quickly and smoothly.

For more information, please contact us at:

Montse M. Veiga [email protected]

00 34 610 247 814www.expatrelocationservices.com

mailto:%20info%40fun-accio.com?subject=funacci%C3%B3

mailto:lordrichardlucan%40gmail.com?subject=Lord%20Lucan


mailto:ers%40expatrelocationservices.com?subject=ERS

http://www.expatrelocationservices.com


For all your graphic design needs:• logo creation• brand set-up• web design• advertising• packaging• signage• restaurant menu designWe provide a step by step service,from concept to completion.

CONTACT GLENN:[email protected]+34 6666 86 447

Apple ComputerTrainingHave you got into the Apple world? But don´t use your ipad or macbook to it´s full potential or find it difficult to navigate find things?

contact Glenn: [email protected]

Real Sitges FCNEEDS YOUNG BLOODWe are a good level football team in

the Barcelona BIFL League but we

are aging, so if your keen to come

along please call Steve:

93 649 247 882


mailto:%20info%40fun-accio.com?subject=funacci%C3%B3

http://www.altraera.com

http://www.altraera.com





I was walking down Calle Paralledes the other day, when I happened upon a woman all but on her knees, stumbling along behind an old labrador dog (who clearly had some sort of upset stomach, most likely caused by its constant diet of chocolates) with a plastic bag on each of her hands trying to keep up with its spluttering anal outbursts.

“What on Earth are you doing?” I asked her, my voice hopefully adopting more of a ‘why, oh,

why?’ tone than a straightforward request for technical information.

She muttered something about him being a ‘poor old chap’ before leaping to catch yet another explosive delivery. But other than that, offered me no reasonable excuse for her alarming behavior.

Surely we have the technology, I thought to myself as I watched her knotting up yet another bag of canine diarrohea and popping it into her pocket, on this backward

little planet of ours, to invent something slightly more dignified than this hideous plastic-bag-in-hand approach?

I increasingly fear that it is true what they say about the difficulty visiting aliens would have working out who’s in charge of this planet, what with so many tethered people crawling around on the floor catching dog pooh in plastic bags.

It’s bad enough that we still grub

the sitges stalker

WhO DOnE POOh?ThE MySTERIOUS MR STALkER hAS A FEW ‘hAnDy’ SUggESTIOnS FOR DOg OWnERS


ThE MySTERIOUS MR STALkER hAS A FEW ‘hAnDy’ SUggESTIOnS FOR DOg OWnERS

around in the ground after shiny stones.

In my head, it always goes that if aliens do come here, it means, by definition, that they have vastly superior technology to us. Which means one of two things. First, that they’ll turn out to be sadistic murderers who enjoy nothing more than wiping out undeveloped species like us with their brain-frying ray guns. Probably while swigging from bottles of tequila and shooting at our feet until we ‘dance like leetal peegs’. Or is that a Lee van Cleef film? Whichever, it won’t be a good day.

The other alternative is that they’ll turn out to be a bunch of highly developed, intergalactic do-gooders, armed to the teeth with 91st century technology. All for us. Gratis.

Pocket-sized nuclear fusion power generators; all-cure, walk-through mobile hospitals; invisibility suits; hyper-leap rocket ships that can travel to planets made of cheese in less than a microsecond; a map of all the best worm holes in the space-time-continuum (with real customer reviews); an 8th series of The West Wing. The possibilities are endless.

And the last thing we want is to find out that they actually came last week, tried unsuccessfully to strike up a conversation with an

flatulent old Labrador, and then buggered off back to where they came from without so much as a free sonic screwdriver.

I’ve done a bit of research, and

it seems the technology does at least exist to pick up the excrement with a stick type device rather than a plasticised hand. Nearly all of them called something that plays cleverly on the words ‘poop’ and ‘scoop’. This would at least confuse the aliens for a few vital seconds and give us a chance to prove that it’s us they should be talking to not farty olf Fido.

Unless of course the aliens turn

out to be highly evolved dogs.

Which, when you think about it, would explain how come they’ve never been spotted. It’s perfectly feasible they’ve been coming

here for years, like innocent visitors to the Royston Vasey local shop in League of Gentlemen. Arriving in small gangs, four-legged versions of a Star Trek landing party, taking a few readings and then being scooped up by the local dogcatcher and dumped in a pound.

If you thought Planet of the Apes was scary, wait until you see Planet of the Humans. Lassie won’t be going that’s for sure.

So anyway, if you’re the woman I saw on her hands and knees in Paralledes last week, please do us all a favour and buy

yourself a ‘pooper-scooper’, a ‘dooup’, a ‘sooper-scooper’, or a ‘poopster’.

Or, in the event the aliens do turn out to be dogs, defy custom and teach your old dog a new trick. To talk. Simple phrases like: “That’s great thanks, we’ll take the lot. The bi-peds? Oh they’re harmless really, and very good toilet servants to be fair. Do you have any more invisibility suits?”

I InCREASIngLy FEAR ThAT IT IS TRUE WhAT ThEy SAy AbOUT ThE DIFFICULTy VISITIng ALIEnS WOULD hAVE WORkIng OUT WhO’S In ChARgE OF ThIS PLAnET, WhAT WITh SO MAny TEThERED PEOPLE CRAWLIng AROUnD On ThE FLOOR CATChIng DOg POOh In PLASTIC bAgS.


Babysitter

Primary school teach

er

offering this service

.

thesitgesf [email protected]

Legal Paperwork SpecialistFor all those impossible paperwork tasks that wonderful Catalunya

throws at us..let us take all that stress of waiting for your number to come

up... [email protected]

mailto:carob%40hotmail.com?subject=Legal%20Paperwork





mailto:kmwithmisseva%40gmail.com?subject=kindermusik



SPAnISh gOVERnMEnT TO RAISE MOnEy by SELLIng ThE LETTER ...

THE DAILY CALCOT(the news, almost entirely devoid of troublesome little things like the truth)


Amid protests from virtually nobody, the Spanish finance minister Luis de Guindos announced yesterday that the country is currently seeking a buyer for its letter ‘H’.

“While we would not normally look to raise money in this way, times are hard and the letter’s renowned reluctance to play a meaningful part in the Spanish language, makes it an obvious target.

“On a recent trip to Brussels to negotiate the terms of our rogering, sorry, loan terms, with the European Bank, I couldn’t help noticing how much more other Europeans like the letter than we do. Particularly the English, for whom such stock phrases as ‘How do you do?’, ‘Hello’ and ‘Who do you think you’re looking at haddock breath?’ would be rendered next to useless without the letter ‘h’.”

It is understood that Germany are also interested in buying Spain’s spare letter and have already lodged a provisional offer in the region of 20 or 30 euros. But with the usual onerous conditions such as the requirement for President Rajoy to crawl on all fours into the Bundestag barking like a dog and ‘from this day forward’ refer to Chancellor Merkel only as ‘Mummy’.

It is understood that de Guindos is also reviewing the critical necessity of vowels in light of an offer from the Czech Republic for ‘at least a couple of them’. The Czech’s have been suffering from a serious vowel drought since the middle ages, which has become so bad in recent years that the everyday phrase, “At first the wolf ripped off its coat but then devoured a handful of grains”, still has to be translated as, “Vlk prv strhl srst srn, zhltl hrst zrn”.

SPAnISh gOVERnMEnT TO RAISE MOnEy by SELLIng ThE LETTER ...

THE DAILY CALCOT


ShERgAR FOUnD!

...Well, traces of him

InSIDE:

kIng JUAn CARLOS TO bE ALLOWED TO ShOOT ThE ‘OCCASIOnAL’

DOMESTIC AnIMALA Spanish judge has ruled that while it would be unconstitutional for the (dead) animal loving monarch to shoot any more elephants, there is apparently nothing in the wording to prevent him from targeting people’s pets, should he suddenly feel the need to shoot something.

“I’m not saying you should lock up your poodles,” said a spokesman. “It’s just that, you know, without any elephants to have a pop at, there’s an outside chance the king might get the itch.

“He’s trying very hard to keep it under control but I definitely saw him punch a horse the other day in the Royal stables when he thought nobody was looking.”

THE DAILY CALCOT(the news, almost entirely devoid of troublesome little things like the truth)

(Fortunately the elephant in this picture managed to escape by pretending to be a tree.)


OSCAR PISTORIUS

On VALEnTInES DAy

RyAnnAIR TO InTRODUCE PRIORITy CAbIn PRESSUISATIOn ZOnESRyannair CEO Michael O’Dearly has confirmed that in line with the company’s ‘no frills’ approach to economy air travel, customers will soon have the option to fly in unpressurised cabins.

“You wouldn’t believe how much all theses sorts of little extras cost when you buy your basic

Boeing,” he told reporters. “And it’s not as if most people will even notice the difference. Apart from old people and children who might undergo a mild ‘popping’ sensation above 20,000 feet as their heads start exploding.”

The company recently courted further controversy when it

announced plans to save money by allowing cabin crew to address passengers as ‘ignorant feckwits’ out loud rather than just under their breath, thereby doing away with the need for that expensive half hour customer care course cabin crew are currently forced to attend.

TAkES gIRLFRIEnD OUT

THE DAILY CALCOT


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