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In which Charlie Bone and his friends go on "the Greatest Adventure of their lives" while, the Bloors and their cohorts who are always up to no good must deal with the evil Lord Voldemort, who wants to take over the school.
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THE OLD TRADITIONAL STORY
written by
Jacquel Chrissy C.
Scripped
scripped.com
April 22, 2011Copyright (c) 2011Jacquel Chrissy C. All Rights Reserved
Bloor's Academy - The King's Room - Before the Movie
Cheesy music plays in the background. Charlie Bone is sitting in the King's Room trying to come up with an ass-kicking title of the new movie he and his friends are starring in.
EMMA TOLLYWhat are you doing, Charlie?
CHARLIE BONEOh, nothing much; just thinking of an really cool title for the movie.
LYSANDER SAGEAnd what movie is that?
CHARLIE BONEOh you know...OUR movie!
TANCRED TORSSONOUR movie?
OLIVIA VERTIGOSince when did WE have a movie?
GABRIEL SILKSince the copyrighted infringement of "Star Wars" that comes in the beginning of the movie just came on like five seconds ago.
(everyone looks at him confused. Star Wars Theme Song plays)
AND WITH THAT, CHARLIE BONE SET OFF WITH HIS FRIENDS EMMA TOLLY, OLIVIA VERTIGO, TANCRED TORSSON, LYSANDER SAGE, AND GABRIEL SILK AND THEY ALL WENT ON THE GREATEST ADVENTURE OF THEIR LIVES. ALONG THE WAY THEY MAKE NEW FRIENDS, DODGE TERRIBLE ENEMIES, AND DISCOVER A SECRET THAT COULD CHANGE THE CITY FOREVER...
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SPOOFING SHOWS IS FUN LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL AND ALSO THEY ALL DECIDED THAT GOING TO HOGWARTS IS BETTER THAN GOING TO BLOORS AND SOME OTHER STUFF BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AND POOR BILLY RAVEN ENDS UP BEING THE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS AND STUFF MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AND MANFRED IS JUST A WIMP WHO NEEDS TO JOIN CHARLIE BONE AND DITCH HIS MESSED UP FAMILY...OK, I'LL SHUT UP NOW.
(Star Wars Theme Song
2.
ends)
GABRIEL SILKSo, what did you think about the title, Charlie?
CHARLIE BONEOk, now I'm upset.
(everyone stares at him)
It's not the really cool title for the movie that I wanted.
OLIVIA VERTIGOSo what DO you want the title for the movie to be?
CHARLIE BONEOh forget about it!
(he storms off)
CUT TO:
(CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND CHILDREN OF THE RED KING DANCE)
RANDOM WOMAN(singing)
It's that time again, when a story is being told, and nobody knows what's it about.
RANDOM MAN(singing)
They say that all old stories are the best, never mind the rest. But there's one story that we all swear by.
RANDOM WOMAN & RANDOM MAN(singing)
And...IT'S THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY! The story with traditional things in it, like magic and action, romance and fantasy. THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY, where we can go on the greatest adventure of our lives! Leave the modern stuff at home and come with us on the grand old adventure! It's gonna be the greatest adventure of our lives!
(cheesy song ends)
TRANSITION TO:
3.
BLOOR'S ACADEMY - PRESENTATION DAY
BORING MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND
DR. HAROLD BLOORHello, and welcome to Bloor's Academy of Fine Arts.
(applause)And here, I expect you to conduct yourselves as becoming of a fine arts student...
MANFRED BLOORBoring!
EZEKIEL BLOORShut up, Manfred!
MANFRED BLOORWhy don't YOU?
DR. HAROLD BLOORThat's enough, you two! And now, we will have the singing portion of our show.
(Charlie and Billy walk to the stage and begin to sing)
CHARLIE BONE & BILLY RAVEN(singing)
Oh I went down south just to get away from it all but somehow they whisked us away to the ball, we met pretty girls, but wizards carried us away, and they wouldn't let us go!
(applause from audience)
EZEKIEL BLOORMe next! Me next! I wanna sing "The Spell of Love"!
MANFRED BLOORYou nicked that from Potter Puppet Pals, didn't you?
EZEKIEL BLOORShut up, Manfred! I will sing!
(music starts)Without the spell of love, the world would fall apart! You don't need a wand when you have magic in
(MORE)
4.
EZEKIEL BLOOR (CONT'D)your heart! All your other organs are useless pieces of flab, my friend, when compared to the spell of love! With love you can sing of the joy that it can bring, with love you can fly on a rainbow in the sky, with love you can dance without any pants on...
(Ezekiel pulls his clothes off and is wearing Hello Kitty pajamas. record comes to a screeching halt. kids scream)
MANFRED BLOORUgh! Grandpa, those are my Hello Kitty pajamas! Grrrrr!
OUTSIDE BLOOR'S - LATER
EVIL WIZARDS UNLEASH ANCIENT EVIL UPON BLOORS
WORMTAILI just don't see why we have to do this. They're not even magical.
SEVERUS SNAPEOf course we have to do this. It's about time someone taught those no-good idiots a lesson on who the real magical people are!
BELLATRIX LESTRANGEYeah! Just because they're related to some magician doesn't give them the right to act like they're all high-and-mighty and think that they're better than everyone else!
LUCIUS MALFOYHey! I said I was sorry! Geez!
(Bellatrix opens a box and all kinds of evil things spring from it)
BELLATRIX LESTRANGEHahahahahaha! Let the fun begin!
LORD VOLDEMORT PUTS A HUGE CURSE ON BLOORS
5.
LORD VOLDEMORTHahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now the school is mine!
WORMTAILBut Master, why are we hurting these people? They're not even muggles!
SEVERUS SNAPEDon't listen to him; he's a whiny little rat.
LORD VOLDEMORTWe now have the power! Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
BELLATRIX LESTRANGEOk, Master, you're getting ahead of yourself.
LORD VOLDEMORTI'm going to be the greatest wizard there ever was!
LUCIUS MALFOYWould you cut that out?
(people are watching them)
People are beginning to stare!
LORD VOLDEMORT(singing)
It's gonna be great; it's gonna be great, I can see Bellatrix hitting me with a box of Frosted Flakes...
(Bellatrix throws a box of Frosted Flakes at his head and it hits him. Death Eaters stare at him)
Oh, sorry about that. And now to put a curse on the school: They will know no peace until they give up every magical kid they have at the school! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
6.
BLOOR'S ACADEMY - LATER
(BACK AT BLOOR'S)
WEEDONUh Harold, I've just received word that some evil wizards are breaking into the school...
DR. HAROLD BLOORWHAT? WIZARDS AT BLOOR'S? IN THIS SCHOOL?
(pandemonium breaks out)
CHARLIE BONEWhat do we do now?
DR. HAROLD BLOORCharlie, you must go up to the Order of the Phoenix and get help immediately! Take your friends.
EZEKIEL BLOORYes, help us, Charlie Bone! Put that talent of yours to some good use and save us!
CHARLIE BONEAlright guys, let's go!
(he, Billy, Gabriel, Lysander, Tancred, Olivia, Emma, and Fidelio take off towards the door)
TRACY MORSELLTancred, be careful!
TANCRED TORRSONDon't worry, Tracy. I'll come back for you...
(Emma pulls his ear)
EMMA TOLLYC'mon Tanc, let's GO!
(exciting music plays as they run from the school)
Where do we go first?
7.
FIDELIO GUNNTo the Pet's Cafe for supplies!
EZEKIEL BLOORBe careful, Children of the Red King! There are evil wizards out there! And vampires! And werewolves! And crazy people! You must save us all!
(kids leave)
THE PET'S CAFE - MOMENTS LATER
(THE PET'S CAFE)
CHARLIE BONEOk, now that we're here, let's get some supplies!
OLIVIA VERTIGOYeah! Hopefully, Mrs. Onimous is doing better...
(just then a crazy person shows up)
CRAZY PERSONHahahahahahahahahah! Finally, I've been trying to catch you brats all day! And now that I got you right where I want you...
(Tancred zaps him and blows him away)
TANCRED TORRSONMan, that person was annoying!
(Norton shows up)
NORTONUh, what are you kids doing here?
CHARLIE BONESome evil wizards are trying to take over the school.
NORTONWhat? Oh my goodness! I must get you kids outta here!
BILLY RAVENWhy?
8.
NORTONThe evil wizard wants you because you're all magic!
FIDELIO GUNNWhat? That's crazy!
NORTONI know! I gotta get you kids outta here or else he'll show up! Let's take my motorcycle!
(some people are seen taking his motorcycle)
Come back here with my motorcycle!(he and the kids chase after the motorcycle thieves)
(THE KIDS AND NORTON ARE CHASING THE PEOPLE WHO STOLE NORTON'S MOTORCYCLE IN THE LAST EPISODE)
CHARLIE BONEWe can't keep up with them! They're much too fast!
NORTONOf course! It's your capes! They're slowing you down! Take them off!
(The kids take off their capes and hand them to Norton)
Now on to the train station!
TANCRED TORRSONBut how are we going to get there? Remember, somebody stole your motorcycle.
NORTONI have a plan!
(within a few minutes, they all hitch a ride in a pickup truck and the truck goes to the train station. truck driver goes to be back
(MORE)
9.
NORTON (CONT'D)of his truck and sees the kids and Norton)
DRIVERHoly crap! You're that guy who tried to off Orvil Onimous!
EMMA TOLLYIs that true? I thought Norton was nice!
FIDELIO GUNNMe too!
DRIVERNorton! You're the doorman to the Pet's Cafe! Now you're kidnapping children! I will call the police and have them arrest you!
NORTONJig's up, kids! Run for it!
(they all jump out the truck and run into the train station)
DRIVERStop him! He tried to kill Orvil Onimous!
(pandemonium breaks out. Norton and the kids reach a train)
STOP THAT MAN! HE'S STEALING THE CHILDREN!
LYSANDER SAGEWe're not gonna make it! There's too many people here!
(Norton is captured)
Oh no! Norton's been captured!
OLIVIA VERTIGOOh no! What should we do?
GABRIEL SILKCan we go back for him?
10.
NORTONNO! Just keep going! Don't look back!
(kids hop on board a train heading for London)
BILLY RAVENOh no! What about Norton?
CHARLIE BONEIt's too late to save him now! All we have to do is go to London and find the Order of the Phoenix. It's the only way we can save Bloor's.
FIDELIO GUNNWell then, let's hop to it! We don't have time to waste worrying about anything else.
BLOOR'S ACADEMY - LATER
(MEANWHILE AT BLOOR'S; VOLDEMORT HAS TAKEN OVER THE SCHOOL AND HE DEMANDS ALL ENDOWED CHILDREN BE HANDED OVER TO HIM)
LORD VOLDEMORTI have now taken over your school. Hand me every endowed child you have and I'll spare your pathetic lives.
WEEDONLike hell you will!
LORD VOLDEMORT(waving his wand)
AVADA KEDAVRA!(Weedon falls down dead)
Anyone else want to challenge me?(everyone gasps and several children step forward)
And what are your names?
ASA PIKEAsa Pike.
11.
JOSHUA TILPINJoshua Tilpin.
DORCAS LOOMDorcas Loom.
DAGBERT ENDLESSDagbert Endless.
INEZ BRANKOInez Branko.
IDITH BRANKOIdith Branko.
LORD VOLDEMORTVery well. Since you are endowed, I am to teach you everything about the wizarding world, for you are to live in it and not the muggle world. Say hello to your new teachers Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange, and Severus Snape.
WORMTAILPass. I have no desire to teach magic to a bunch of snot-nosed, stuck-up brats!
LORD VOLDEMORTAnd Wormtail will be teaching whenever Severus is unable to teach.
WORMTAILI have a name, it's Peter Pettigrew and don't any of you little punks forget it!
LORD VOLDEMORTWhatever. And the rest of you will...Wormtail, what was I going to do with them?
WORMTAILUhhhhh, I don't know.
BELLATRIX LESTRANGELet's teach them that they're not worth anything because they're muggles! I shall zap them until they concede!
12.
LUCIUS MALFOYOr we can have them as our prisoners.
SEVERUS SNAPEMaybe we can have them...provide us with some entertainment. They are a performing arts school, aren't they?
LORD VOLDEMORTI agree. You will perform for us and any wizard who wishes to visit. Fail and you'll be zapped by Bellatrix. Now start performing!
(the other kids hurry and grab costumes, instruments, and paints. Bartholomew Bloor sees all and says to Naren)
BARTHOLOMEW BLOORNaren, we need to get you out now.
NAREN BLOORWhy?
BARTHOLOMEW BLOORBecause there's bad wizards in Bloor's and I can't let them find you.
NAREN BLOORBut where will I go?
BARTHOLOMEW BLOORLondon. We'll take the train.
(He, Naren, and Meng pack their things and drive to the station, where Naren is sent to London)
13.
LONDON - AT THE MARKET
HARRY POTTERMan I hate shopping days. I'm so bored I wanna scream!
VERNON DURSLEYYeah, me too.
DUDLEY DURSLEYLet's sneak away and watch a movie.
VERNON DURSLEYOk, what did you have in mind?
DUDLEY DURSLEYPocahontas!
HARRY POTTERYou'd watch a Disney movie? Disney movies are a waste of time!
JACQUEL ROMANOVI couldn't have agreed more. Let's watch Braveheart!
VERNON DURSLEYNow that's what I call a good movie!
(they all sneak away from Petunia and go to a theater to watch Braveheart)
(MEANWHILE...)
CHARLIE BONEI hope this Order of the Phoenix will actually listen to us!
LYSANDER SAGEYou and me both, dude!
TANCRED TORRSONI say the Bloor's must be daft as to rely on us to help them. It's not like we actually care about them, isn't it?
(Manfred jumps out from behind them)
14.
MANFRED BLOOROh, you'd better care all right!
OLIVIA VERTIGOManfred? How did you get in here?
MANFRED BLOORWell how should I put this a bunch of evil wizards showed up at Bloor's and took over the school.
CHARLIE BONERight. And we should care because...
MANFRED BLOORThey are using all the endowed children to do evil.
(everyone gasps)
And worse, they're holding my father and Ezekiel prisoner.
BILLY RAVENOh, what will we do?
MANFRED BLOORI don't know.
LONDON. - CONTINUOUS
CHARLIE BONEIt's all your fault, Manfred!
MANFRED BLOORWhy?
CHARLIE BONEIf it weren't for you, I wouldn't be in this stupid situation!
MANFRED BLOOROh, so now you're blaming me?
CHARLIE BONEHeck yeah!
MANFRED BLOOROh I dare you!
CHARLIE BONEBring it on, punkface!
15.
MANFRED BLOORMake me!
(they both start fighting as the others watch)
(MEANWHILE...)
PETUNIA DURSLEY(finishes the shopping)
I wonder where they went.(she sees them leaving leaving the theater)
Where have you been?
VERNON DURSLEYJust to the movies.
PETUNIA DURSLEYYou took them to see Pocahontas, didn't you?
DUDLEY DURSLEYNo, Disney movies are a waste of time. We saw Braveheart instead.
PETUNIA DURSLEYBraveheart? You took them to see an R-rated movie?
VERNON DURSLEYWhat? Oh, come on now, Petunia. There's no way in this hell I'm taking them to see Pocahontas. That movie's not even historically accurate and they besmirched the name of an American heroine.
PETUNIA DURSLEYI understand Jacquel not watching it, but Dudley's still a baby!
VERNON DURSLEYPetunia! Dudley is 14 years old. He's not a baby anymore!
PETUNIA DURSLEYIt doesn't matter. You can take Jacquel and Harry to R-rated movies all you want, but NOT my little baby boy!
16.
DUDLEY DURSLEYBut mommy, I'm not a baby, I'm a man! I'm an anchorman!
JACQUEL ROMANOVYou're not a man, Dudley! You're just a great big fat wuss!
(The Cullens are watching this unfold)
CULLENSOoooooooooooooooooooohhhhh!
HARRY POTTERHahahahahahah! You're totally right, Jacquel. He is a wuss.
DUDLEY DURSLEYThat's not very nice, Harry!
LONDON. -CONTINUOUS
CHARLIE BONEYou're gonna take back what you said!
MANFRED BLOORMake me!
CHARLIE BONEYou're such an idiot!
MANFRED BLOORStill insulting me, Boney?
CHARLIE BONEI'm so kicking your ass!
MANFRED BLOORLet's bounce!
(he smacks Charlie in the face and breaks his nose. The others freak out as Charlie clutches his bloody nose. And the Cullens have arrived.)
17.
CARLISLE CULLENQuickly Esme, get the kids! I need to see that boy's nose!
(Esme gathers the kids to her side and Jasper pounces on Charlie)
JASPER HALEMmmmmmm, blood! Yummy!
(He licks Charlie's broken nose. Charlie screams in fright and Rosalie slaps him)
ROSALIE HALEJasper, down!
(Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie drag him away. Carlisle looks at Charlie's nose.)
CARLISLE CULLENI see that you had some kind of briuse and you need to have that checked out.
(Meanwhile, Bella shows up.)
BELLA SWANWhat's going on?
EMMETT CULLENThank God you're here, Bella! We can't hold him much longer!
BELLA SWANOh Jasper? Want some of my blood?
JASPER HALEYour blood?
ALICE CULLENBella what are you doing?
18.
BELLA SWANSaving that boy's life.
(Just then, Edward shows up with a bunch of fangirls following him)
CHARLIE BONEUhhhhh, help! He's trying to drink my blood!
(Apparently, Jasper pounced on Charlie and is licking his nose)
EDWARD CULLENJasper, NO! Get away from him!
JASPER HALEBut Eddie, why would I want to not drink such delicious blood?
CARLISLE CULLENJasper, what did I say about human blood?
ESME CULLENIt's bad for you.
JASPER HALEYou people are too soft! The boy's blood is mine!
(he attacks Charlie as everyone watches helplessly. Harry is seen pulling out his wand and zapping him)
HARRY POTTERPrefectus totalus!
(Jasper falls to the ground)
VERNON DURSLEYHarry, did you just...
19.
RANDOM WOMAN...save that boy's life?
(Petunia sees Jasper, screams, and faints)
RANDOM MANHe must have been one crazy vampire!
NAREN BLOOR(stepping off the train and seeing everything)
Hey, what'd I miss?
CUT TO:
(CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND CHARLIE, TANCRED, LYSANDER, FIDELIO, GABRIEL, OLIVIA, EMMA, BILLY, MANFRED, AND NAREN DANCE)
RANDOM WOMAN(singing)
It's a strange new world I'm in right now, with wizards, and witches, and vampires and werewolves; and I'm smack dab in the thick of it all.
RANDOM MAN(singing)
But its only the beginning of the greatest adventure of our lives; and we can only move forward now...
RANDOM WOMAN & RANDOM MANAnd...IT'S THE OLD TRADITIONAL STORY! The story with vampires, werewolves, wizards and witches. THE OLD TRADITIONAL STORY, where you'll never know what can happen next! Now we go to chapter 2 of the grand old adventure! It's gonna be the greatest adventure of our lives!
(cheesy song ends)
20.
LONDON. IN A SMALL COTTAGE
CARLISLE CULLENNow once again, why are you children here?
CHARLIE BONEWe were sent here by Dr. Bloor to ask the Order of the Phoenix for help because the Dark Lord Voldemort is attacking Bloor's!
(everyone gasps)
MANFRED BLOORAnd then they take off without inviting me...
CHARLIE BONEShut up, dumbass!
MANFRED BLOORWhy don't you?
(he and Charlie start fighting until Esme pulls them apart.)
ESME CULLENI will not have any of that name-calling or fighting! Now, you two will CALMLY tell us what is happening, and there will be NO MORE fighting or name-calling. Is that understood?
CHARLIE BONE & MANFRED BLOORYes, ma'am.
OLIVIA VERTIGOAs was mentioned before, we're supposed to go to London and ask the Order of the Phoenix for help because Dr. Bloor asked us to get them to help because some evil wizard is attacking our school.
CARLISLE CULLENI see. That man has no right to even bear the title of "Dr." His family is an insult to our kind.
21.
CHARLIE BONEBut we still have a mission...
CARLISLE CULLENOne which you won't complete, I'm afraid.
EMMA TOLLYWhy not?
JASPER HALEYour headmaster wanted you out of the way so he can do bad things and destroy the city without you stopping him.
BELLA SWANJasper!
ROSALIE HALEWhat? He's just telling them the truth.
ALICE CULLENNothing wrong with that. And besides, you children need to be as far away from You-Know-Who as possible or he'll brainwash you into accepting his evil ideals.
EDWARD CULLENSo no, you're not going anywhere, but to Hogwarts.
FIDELIO GUNNWhat's a Hogwarts?
HARRY POTTERHogwarts? Aye, it's my school!
BILLY RAVENCan you show us?
HARRY POTTERSure.
(they walk to a castle disguised as Hogwarts.)
Well, this is actually a cosplay that the drama students are doing about life in the wizarding world. Now look at the castle built to resemble Hogwarts!
(dramatic music plays)
22.
CHARLIE BONEHogwarts!
GABRIEL SILKHogwarts!
OLIVIA VERTIGOHogwarts!
TANCRED TORRSONHogwarts!
MANFRED BLOORIt's only a model.
(everyone stares at him)
Well, the good stuff has got to be inside.
(wacky music plays and cosplayers dressed as Hogwarts students dance)
RANDOM COSPLAYERSWelcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry, where we do magic all the time; it's so much fun to fly around and play a rousing game of Quidditch! Here at Hogwarts, you can do whatever you want; cast magic spells, annoy the teachers, impress all your friends! Oh what a great school to be at you'll never have another like Hogwarts! Hogwarts, our beloved school, Hogwarts, we love you!
(fireworks go off and people cheer)
JASPER HALEOn second thought, let's not go there.
BELLA SWANI agree. It is a rather terrible place.
23.
HARRY POTTEROh don't you guys worry; the real Hogwarts is a 1,000 times better than this pile of crap. Speaking of which, why don't we go there right now?
BLOOR'S ACADEMY - THE KING'S ROOM. - MORNING
LORD VOLDEMORTNow that you children are here, I shall teach you all to zap muggles and mudbloods, intimidate half-bloods, and reprimand blood-traitors.
ASA PIKEBut aren't you promoting racism and discrimination and possible genocide?
JOSHUA TILPINYeah! Last guy who did that, they tried to blow his head off.
WORMTAILWhat was his name?
DORCAS LOOMAdolf Hitler!
(just then everything in the world came to a screeching halt)
LUCIUS MALFOYWHAT? ADOLF HITLER? THAT MAN WAS A MONSTER!
SEVERUS SNAPEThat man murdered millions of people for no reason!
LORD VOLDEMORTAnd I had to watch that happen and stuff like that! *SIGH* I suppose you kids are right. Perhaps I am trying to become nothing more than an evil tyrant. Oh well, back to the drawing board.
BELLATRIX LESTRANGEWhat will we do now?
24.
WORMTAILOh I don't know. Perhaps our very lives are being controlled by some Scottish woman bent on making us evil and scaring off little kids. I just don't wanna be evil!
SEVERUS SNAPEOh, you're not evil, Wormy. You're just Judas Iscariot.
WORMTAILSee what I mean? That guy betrayed his teacher, and they nailed him to a tree just for suggesting that it would be nice if we all got along and took care of each other and our world.
LUCIUS MALFOYOk, but we still have to figure out how to educate the kids and plan revenge on Dumbledore. He did ruin your life after all, the gay moron!
BELLATRIX LESTRANGELucius! There are children present!
SEVERUS SNAPEAbsolutely.
LUCIUS MALFOYSORRY! And besides, the children need to be taught to know their place.
(to the children)
Now what were your names again?
ASA PIKEAsa Pike.
JOSHUA TILPINJoshua Tilpin.
DORCAS LOOMDorcas Loom.
DAGBERT ENDLESSDagbert Endless.
25.
INEZ BRANKOInez Branko.
IDITH BRANKOIdith Branko.
LUCIUS MALFOYSo, Asa, Joshua, Dorcas, Dagbert, Inez, and Idith, you are going to be trained by us to intimidate muggles, humiliate idiots, and cause nothing but trouble for all those who hate magic.
LORD VOLDEMORTGood idea! But first, we must find a plan to destroy Dumbledore's reputation.
WORMTAILHow?
LORD VOLDEMORTBecause the Scotswoman had it in her mind to fool the people by saying that Dumbledore was good. But if he were really good, then why would he leave a child with eople who hate him? Why would he kill a woman who saw right through him? Why would he then place the woman's baby in a potentially abusive household? Why would he use a teenaged boy as a weapon to defeat me?
WORMTAILMore like a shield me thinks.
BELLATRIX LESTRANGEI agree.
LORD VOLDEMORTAnd then the Scottish woman said that he was gay. GAY! Can you believe it?
DEATH EATERSNo way!
ASA PIKESo, what exactly are you planning to teach us?
26.
LORD VOLDEMORTI'm going to be teaching you kids how to humiliate Dumbledore, because while he hides under the guise of a grandfatherly wizard like Gandalf, he's more of a murdering monster who mustbe stopped at all costs! Now who wants to save the world?
ASA PIKEI do!
DORCAS LOOMMe too!
JOSHUA TILPINYeah! Save the world!
DAGBERT ENDLESSI'll drown the old man!
INEZ & IDITH BRANKOHe'll be crying uncle when we get through with him!
LORD VOLDEMORTThat's the spirit! But we can't do this alone! We must bring in some other children who want to help us dethrone Dumbledore!
WORMTAILWhat about your little friends in those bad fanfiction stories?
BELLATRIX LESTRANGEGood. I'll get them.
SEVERUS SNAPEI'll go spy on Dumbledore.
LUCIUS MALFOYMake sure he knows nothing of our new plans!
(Snape leaves)
LORD VOLDEMORT(staring at a picture of Dumbledore)
Hahahaha, so the foolish old man still wants to play Gandalf to all those poor suckers out there. Well, I'm ready to play your
(MORE)
27.
LORD VOLDEMORT (CONT'D)little game! But be forewarned, even old wizards can be evil, just ask Saruman!
SARUMANHey! I resent that remark!
LORD VOLDEMORTIt's the hard truth. Live with it. And besides, Everyone thinks Christopher Lee is better than you.
SARUMANShut up.
(MEANWHILE, SNAPE MEETS WITH DUMBLEDORE)
SEVERUS SNAPE
I've got some news for you, Albus.
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Yes?
SEVERUS SNAPE
Lord Voldemort is planning to attack some boarding school in a faraway town.
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
Good for him. At least it'll keep him occupied while we train Harry to take him down!
HOGWARTS - AFTERNOON
(IN THE GREAT HALL IN HOGWARTS)
ALBUS DUMBLEDOREI have an announcement to make Lord Voldemort has apparently given up on his quest to kill Harry Potter!
(everyone cheers)
SEVERUS SNAPEBut he may have another plan in mind; we don't know it yet, but he may be planning something else.
28.
FLITWICKLike what?
SEVERUS SNAPEI don't know yet, but he's planning something. But anyway, I've just received word that some children are coming to see us.
MCGONAGALLBut why are they here?
HOOCHI heard they were coming to ask for our help, since the Dark Lord was attacking their school.
SEVERUS SNAPEI know about that. I was there.
HAGRIDSo you know about what his next plans are?
SEVERUS SNAPENo, I don't know about his next plans, but we better watch ourselves. We let our guard down too much, and he just might remember us and attack us.
SPROUTSo what do we do now?
SEVERUS SNAPENothing. We wait for them to arrive. Meanwhile, who wants to play Snappers?
(everyone grabs cards and begins playing Snappers)
(MEANWHILE…)
CHARLIE BONEThat's the real Hogwarts?
HARRY POTTERThat's right. It's much better than those cosplayers had, isn't it?
29.
JASPER HALEGood. No singing cosplayers in this one.
BELLA SWANSee? Harry made good on his promise after all!
LYSANDER SAGESo we'll just simply march up there and ask for their help.
(Jacob Black and his friends show up)
JACOB BLACKHahahahahahaha! I beat you bloodsuckers to it!
EDWARD CULLENGrrrrr! How the heck did you beat us here, wolf-boy?
CHARLIE BONEOh *great*! Another Asa!
(AT THE GROUNDS AT HOGWARTS)
JACOB BLACKHahahahahahaha! I told you I'd beat you here!
EDWARD CULLENYou're a moron, Jacob Black. A complete and total moron.
JACOB BLACKOh yeah?
EDWARD CULLENYeah!
JACOB BLACKLet's bounce!
(Embry and Quil start jumping)
Uh, what the hell are you guys doing?
QUIL ATAERABouncing.
30.
EMBRY CALLIt's fun, Jake. You should try it sometime.
PAUL COTTONC'mon, guys! Let's all bounce!
(everyone begins jumping around)
JACOB BLACKNo no no! When I say let's bounce, I mean I'm gonna kick his butt! Now let's bounce!
EDWARD CULLENBounce? That is sooo street talk! I say I'm gonna kick your butt!
JACOB BLACKFine by me!
(they start fighting)
BLOOR'S ACADEMY. - LATER
BELLATRIX LESTRANGEI'm back, master! Look who's here with me!
(At once, Corrie Anne, Tyler, Chloe, Addison, Bartok, Maddy, Ivy, Donnie, Slade, and Treasure show up)
LORD VOLDEMORTGood. Now we can finally have our revenge.
(to the kids)You guys know what to do.
KIDSWatch movies?
LORD VOLDEMORTRight. Which movie do you want to see?
TREASURE TOLKIENHow about Watchmen!
31.
WORMTAILBut that's a rated R movie!
TREASURE TOLKIENShut up! I say we're watching Watchmen! No, we're not watching Monsters vs. Aliens!
WORMTAILBut I wanna...
LORD VOLDEMORTWormtail, we're watching Watchmen and that's final! Everyone into the car now!
ASA PIKEWhat about us?
BELLATRIX LESTRANGEYou're coming with us as well! Now let's go!
HOGWARTS. -LATER
ALBUS DUMBLEDOREAhhh, there are the students who are coming to live at my school. Welcome!
CHARLIE BONEUh, we're not who you think we are.
ALBUS DUMBLEDOREYes you are. You're going to live at our school.
CHARLIE BONEBut I'm Charlie Bone, and I'm coming here to ask for your help. Some evil wizard has taken over my school and its headmaster needs your help to kick him out!
ALBUS DUMBLEDORENice try, kid; but I'm not falling for that trick. Now let's get you settled in your room and wait for those vampires to show up.
(he drags a protesting Charlie and the other Children of the Red King to their rooms)
32.
MOVIE THEATER
SEVERUS SNAPEI can't believe I'm watching Watchmen, again!
LUCIUS MALFOYsince when did you watch the movie first?
SEVERUS SNAPEWhen Stacey and Gabriel went. I swear those boys are mine are going to drive me into my grave!
BELLATRIX LESTRANGEOh you know those boys gotta have action!
WORMTAILRight on! anyway, I'm bored. Wanna sneak over and see Race to Witch Mountain?
LUCIUS MALFOYAs long as it's not boring!
(all four go to watch said movie)
HOGWARTS.
CARLISLE CULLENSir, we have arrived.
ALBUS DUMBLEDOREVery Good. I want you to teach a course about creatures in the wizarding world.
JACOB BLACKUh, Dr. Fang, no offense to you or anything like that, but I think you should reconsider the job offer.
CARLISLE CULLENWhy, Jake?
JACOB BLACKI don't trust him; I smell deceit in his clothes.
33.
ALLJacob?
LEAH CLEARWATERYou and your big mouth are gonna get us all in trouble!
JACOB BLACKLeah?
ALBUS DUMBLEDOREI've got your rooms ready so if you all would...
(just then the group of vampires and werevolves run him over. Lupin shows up)
REMUS LUPINYay! I'm not the only werewolf around here anymore!
(to the wolves)Let's be friends!
WOLVESFriends!
SIRIUS BLACKOh brother!
MOVIE THEATER.
LORD VOLDEMORTWho's up for Race to Witch Mountain?
KIDSYay!
TREASURE TOLKIENJust as long as it's not rated G.
LORD VOLDEMORTThen let's go!
(to Wormtail)So how was that movie?
WORMTAILYou'll enjoy it. Dwayne Johnson's in it.
34.
KIDSYay!
LORD VOLDEMORTGood. Let's go then!
(they all go see Race to Witch Mountain)
HOGWARTS.
(MEANWHILE IN THE ROOM WHERE CHARLIE AND HIS FRIENDS ARE STAYING...)
CHARLIE BONEDumbledore must be mistaken. We're not the exchange students.
OLIVIA VERTIGOI know! We're the Children of the Red King, dammit!
TANCRED TORRSONThis is what that Dr. Cullen guy must have warned us about.
ALLYeah!
MANFRED BLOORI say we find that old man and force him to listen to us! He's not gonna silence me so easily! Now who's with me?
(cricket sounds. everyone glares at him)
BILLY RAVENManfred, you really need to work on your leadership skills.
MANFRED BLOORYeah. Thought so.
(MEANWHILE IN THE ROOM WHERE THE CULLENS AND BELLA ARE STAYING...)
CARLISLE CULLENWell, I'm not one to comment on housekeeping, but this is a good castle.
35.
ALICE CULLENIt's a disaster! It needs redecorating!
BELLA SWANC'mon, Al. It's not that bad.
ALICE CULLENAnd the uniforms are atrocious! Hideous! I shall give them all a makeover.
EMMETT CULLENForget it, Bells. Once she's got her makeover mindset, it's hard to stop her.
JACOB BLACKWell, that old man seems to be gay...
BELLA SWANThat's enough, Jacob Black, or I'mma punch you in the face!
JASPER HALEAnd break your hand, again?
BELLA SWANThat's besides the point!
(MEANWHILE AT THE LAKE, THE BAUDELAIRES HAVE ARRIVED)
KLAUS BAUDELAIREHey, we're here!
(looks around, but no one is there to greet them)
Why isn't anyone here to greet us?
(Klaus confronts Dumbledore)
KLAUS BAUDELAIREWhy didn't you meet us at the train station?
ALBUS DUMBLEDOREI was busy greeting all those new students who...hey, wait a minute! are you three the new exchange students?
36.
VIOLET BAUDELAIREYes we are. I understand that this is the school we're supposed to be at?
HAGRIDYes it is. Welcome to Hogwarts. Let me show you to your rooms.
(just then, Sunny bites Hagrid)
Why did she bite me?
VIOLET BAUDELAIREShe likes you.
KLAUS BAUDELAIREIf she didn't, she'd chomp yor finger off.
SUNNY BAUDELAIREJah riof sabe! (that means you're ok for a giant)
HAGRIDThank you very much then. what are your names?
VIOLET BAUDELAIREViolet Baudelaire.
KLAUS BAUDELAIREKlaus Baudelaire.
SUNNY BAUDELAIRESunny!
ALBUS DUMBLEDOREVery well then. see them to their rooms them.
(Hagrid takes Violet, Klaus, and Sunny to their rooms.)
(MEANWHILE)
CHARLIE BONEI can't believe the nerve of that old man! Who des he think he is?
MANFRED BLOORYou and me both, Charlie! Let's kill him!
37.
BILLY RAVENWe can't do that! Tthis is a family show!
MANFRED BLOORThey kill people in Disney movies. Even the movies with a G-rating!
EMMA TOLLYWHAT?
MANFRED BLOORYou don't kill people in G-rated movies!
BILLY RAVENI wanna protest! This isn't a family movie at all! Let's amp up the rating of this show!
OLIVIA VERTIGOGood idea! But let's be careful, for the writer will keep it PG even though we'll be doing some pretty outrageous stuff and whatnot.
CHARLIE BONELet's be careful; we don't want to scare of any kiddies.
NAREN BLOORHello? Have any of you forgetten that I exist?
CHARLIE BONENaren? Why are you here?
NAREN BLOORSame reason you are here, Charlie to get away from the evil Dark Wizard and find a safe place to stay for a while.
MANFRED BLOORAnd now you're stuck here. Welcome to the club. We're all running from the Dark Lord as well.
NAREN BLOOROk; I'll join your club if we do three more scenes before the next cheesy song is played.
38.
CHARLIE BONE & MANFRED BLOORDeal!
(Meanwhile the Disney Nazi goes to the audience and says...)
DISNEY NAZINO DISNEY FOR YOU!
HOGWARTS. - CONTINUOUS
(IN THE ROOM WHERE THE CHILDREN OF THE RED KING ARE STAYING)
CHARLIE BONEWhy are you here?
NAREN BLOORI was sent here to get away from the Dark Lord.
OLIVIA VERTIGOHe didn't want you, he only wanted us.
NAREN BLOORBut what if he tried to capture me?
CHARLIE BONEHe wouldn't.
NAREN BLOORHe would.
TANCRED TORRSONSo why are you here? You're not really a Bloor's student. The Dark Lord wanted all the Bloor's endowed. Not you.
GABRIEL SILKYou're not even a student here at this school, are you?
NAREN BLOOROf course not, silly.
LYSANDER SAGEDon't you even have a concept of what school is?
39.
NAREN BLOORUh, yeah?
FIDELIO GUNNNo you don't. If you did, you'd be in school already, not hiding out in the wilderness like a coward.
CHARLIE BONEAwww c'mon guys, lay off her, please?
MANFRED BLOORYes, listen to Charlie. He knows everything.
BILLY RAVENShut up, Manfred! You're a bully and you know it!
MANFRED BLOOROuch! That hurts!
EMMA TOLLYYou deserved it, you moron!
MANFRED BLOORLike you don't deserve it too!
BILLY RAVENShut up, Manfred!
LYSANDER SAGEC'mon people, let's try and get along here. We still haven't decided if we want Naren on our team!
OLIVIA VERTIGOLike can we even trust her?
TANCRED TORRSONCan we really trust a girl who lives in the wilderness?
FIDELIO GUNNHow do we know she's not a traitor?
GABRIEL SILKShe could be working for the Bloors for all we know.
40.
CHARLIE BONEThat's enough! Naren is joining us, and no more questions! I understand if you don't know her very well, but we're going to need her. Now, we're going to have to trust her without question! Is that understood?
ALLYes, Charlie.
CHARLIE BONEMANFRED?
MANFRED BLOORYes, Boney.
CHARLIE BONEGo ahead, Naren.
NAREN BLOORThank you.
CHARLIE BONEI hope you can really help us.
NAREN BLOORDon't worry I will.
MANFRED BLOORAnd if you betray us...
NAREN BLOORYou think this looks like the face of a traitor to you?
CHARLIE BONE & MANFRED BLOORNo!
NAREN BLOORJust checking.
EMMA TOLLYHow do we know we can trust you? We aren't on good terms with the Bloors, and yet, you're one of them.
OLIVIA VERTIGOWhat she said. And no matter how many fanfics pair you up with Charlie, know this I SAW HIM FIRST!
41.
NAREN BLOOROk, ok, I get it, I get it! Don't be so testy!
FIDELIO GUNNOh don't worry. She won't...much.
LYSANDER SAGEBut for now, we've gotten our scene with Naren.
(to Naren)You better be staying with us in every scene we're in instead of doing your own thing.
TANCRED TORRSONI think everyone wants chapter 3.
AUDIENCEWe want chapter 3! Give us chapter 3!
GABRIEL SILKIs this enough for you?
NAREN BLOORYeah...ok. We can move on to chapter 3 now.
AUDIENCEHooray!
CUT TO
(CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND CHARLIE, TANCRED, LYSANDER, FIDELIO, GABRIEL, OLIVIA, EMMA, BILLY, MANFRED, AND NAREN DANCE)
RANDOM WOMAN(singing)
Here we go, one more time, in a world that we don't know, and you're not gonna believe it, but it's up to me to set things right.
RANDOM MAN(singing)
And in the greatest adventure of our lives, there's no turning back; we only have but one choice now, that's to move forward...
42.
RANDOM WOMAN & RANDOM MANAnd...IT'S THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY! Where anything and everything goes! THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY, And life certainly has changed! Now we will see chapter 3 of the grand old adventure! It's gonna be the greatest adventure of our lives!
(cheesy song ends)
BLOOR'S ACADEMY. - THE NEXT DAY
LORD VOLDEMORTAnd now that we're done watching movies, you children will meet your new classmates, who will educate you in your new venture, Corrie Anne, Tyler, Chloe, Addison, Bartok, Maddy, Ivy, Donnie, Slade, and Treasure.
MADDY/SARA LEEI'm Sara Lee now.
ALLWHAT?
MADDY/SARA LEEYou heard me. I'm Sara Lee now.
ASA PIKESince when did you change your name?
MADDY/SARA LEESince that chapter in that bad fanfiction story.
DORCAS LOOMDo you have an identity crisis?
MADDY/SARA LEENo, but that Treasure has like 1,000 last names.
LORD VOLDEMORTEnough, children! It's not time to teach our new friends how to zap muggles and mudbloods, intimidate half-bloods, and reprimand blood-traitors.
43.
TREASURE TOLKIENBut I thought we agreed not to do that at all!
LORD VOLDEMORTOh, did we? Well, what I meant to say was that we're going to learn how to intimidate muggles, humiliate idiots, and cause nothing but trouble for all those who hate magic.
ALLWHAT?
BARTOK RASPUTINYou work for us now. You will learn that magic is good and anyone who hates people who use amgic must be silenced and humiliated.
JOSHUA TILPINI wanna protest! This isn't what I signed up for!
(everyone else agrees with him)
TREASURE TOLKIENBut this is what you must do. You can't just sit around and let those without magic tell you lies and tell you that magic isn't real.
ADDISONAnd besides, "normal" is so overrated that it's not even funny at all.
ASA PIKESo what are we to do now?
MADDY/SARA LEEYou all must be trained as magicians, wizards, people who will intimidate those who think they own everything but they will lose in the end. We're going to mess them up and when it all ends, magic will rule supreme.
44.
IVYNow you know why you are here?
IDITH BRANKOSame reason you are here to destroy those who are destroying the world and bring it back to the magical one we all know.
LORD VOLDEMORTVery good. Now it's time for the training to begin.
(to Wormtail)Cue some inspirational music!
WORMTAILOk, but I don't know what to choose.
SLADEI know.
(he plugs in his iPod and music starts playing. everyone stares at him)
This isn't exactly inspirational.
TREASURE TOLKIENMust I do everything myself?
(she plugs in her iPod and switches to the song Eye of the Tiger)
This is inspirational music!
WORMTAILWhat song is that?
TREASURE TOLKIENEye of the Tiger by Survivor from the Rocky III soundtrack.
LORD VOLDEMORTVery good. Now we begin the training. We will not rest until the muggle world has fallen!
45.
HOGWARTS.
CHARLIE BONEWell that's just great! We're stuck here at Hogwarts with no way to even get out. Now how are we going to take back Bloor's?
EMMA TOLLYI don't know. Maybe we're not meant to go back to Bloor's at all.
OLIVIA VERTIGOMaybe that Dr. Cullen was right after all. We shouldn't be interfering in this situation at all.
MANFRED BLOORWhat's that I hear? You guys are just giving up? You're going to let them win?
ALLYeah.
MANFRED BLOORWhat the hell is wrong with you? Charlie, where's your defiance? Olivia, where's your bravery? Tanc, how's about getting angry and blowing some of that wind around?
TANCRED TORRSONSince when did you care about us?
LYSANDER SAGESince that chapter where he tried to be the leader and Billy shut him down.
BILLY RAVENI don't think Manfred has the capacity for leadership at all.
NAREN BLOORNo, he does not. But then again, why should we trust him?
46.
CHARLIE BONEI say we ask those wizards for help. Maybe they can help us retake the school.
FIDELIO GUNNGood idea, Charlie. We'll need all the help we can get.
(they all leave their room and head to the Room of Requirement)
HARRY POTTERWhat are you guys doing here?
CHARLIE BONEWe want to escape and fight for our school.
JACQUEL ROMANOVYeah, I've heard that one 1,000 times.
ALLWHAT?
JACQUEL ROMANOVI've tried to help many people take back their lives, but none of them really put in the effort to really save themselves.
ALLLike who?
JACQUEL ROMANOVLet's see here…
(grabs a book)Phigre from Storm & Discord…nope, he failed to even escape from his room…
(grabs another book)
Kaita from Sword's Darkness…fell dead after defying Dumbledore. I'm afraid that I can't help you guys. Sorry.
CHARLIE BONEAwww come on! We heard you were the best of the best! Can you help us? PLEASE?
47.
HARRY POTTERWell…
(looks at Jacquel; she nods)
Ok. We're in. but we'll have to train you very very hard.
JACQUEL ROMANOVAnd it won't be easy, nor will I go easy on you. But we will train you.
(Ron and Hermione show up)
HARRY POTTERSay hello to my friends Ron and Hermione. They will also be teaching you.
RON WEASLEYSo do we have an inspirational song?
HERMIONE GRANGERI think so. Jacquel's got tons of songs, right Jacquel?
JACQUEL ROMANOVLemme check my iPod.
(soon everyone else shows up)
Well, looks like we've got an even bigger crowd than I though. No matter. It's training time!
(Eye of the Tiger by Survivor from the Rocky III soundtrack plays as both groups train their students)
(AFTER THE TRAINING)
JACQUEL ROMANOVCongratulations, guys, your training is now complete.
(everyone cheers)
Now it's time to put your training in motion.
(MEANWHILE AT BLOOR'S)
48.
LORD VOLDEMORTNow that my new minions are properly trained in the ways of magic, we will now be using our training to intimidate anyone who doesn't like magic. Let's go!
NARRATORAnd so the Dark Lord and all his minions set off from Bloor's and they proceeded to cause nothing but trouble for the city of Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitopolis. The people were indeed terrified because the Dark Lord was so angry. Many people were killed just because they condemned the use of magic. But there were some who resisted. They met in the Passing house.
THE PASSING HOUSE
PATON YEWBEAMWell, this is great! We've got a bunch of magical troublemakers running around and yelling about.
GRIZELDA BONEI say we give these troublemakers what for!
(everyone cheers)
EUSTACIA YEWBEAMBut what about Charlie? He needs to be here in order to do something about this mess.
EZEKIEL BLOORYeah, but we had to hide him, lest that evil wizard makes him be bad like him!
PATON YEWBEAMI'm going out to find Charlie.
AMY BONEI'm coming with you.
JULIA INGLEDEWSo am I!
49.
EZEKIEL BLOORWait! You can't go anywhere without powers! They will find you and hurt you!
PATON YEWBEAMDoes it look like I want to listen to you? Now who's with me? Let's move!
NARRATORThen Paton and his miniature search party set out from Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitopolis and they headed off to London. But they weren't alone, for Robbie Evans and his siblings Louise, Felix, David, and Molly came with them. Also there was also Addie Caldwell, Jenner and Maurice Du Bois, and two strange children called Suchart Seeker and Shara Shaze.
PATON YEWBEAMWe have now reached London.
AMY BONEBut where are the children?
EZEKIEL BLOORIf you were paying attention to the story, you would have found out that some crazy old man has them and Manfred locked up at his school!
JULIA INGLEDEWWe must save them all!
PATON YEWBEAMWe need to find that school and quickly!
(but little did they know they were being watched)
LORD VOLDEMORTSo, we've got a group of rescuers, or do we? Let's get them!
(he chases after Paton's search party, but disappears.)
50.
BELLATRIX LESTRANGEMaster?
LORD VOLDEMORT(standing behind her)
I'm over here!
LUCIUS MALFOYThen who's that over there?
(he points to a pile of rags where Voldemort once stood)
LORD VOLDEMORTStop looking at those rags and let's go! We need to stop them before they reach Hogwarts!
HOGWARTS.
(AT HOGWARTS)
NARRATORMeanwhile, we go back to Hogwarts, where a quite insane Dumbledore has locked up all the girls in a dungeon cell and threw away the key.
OLIVIA VERTIGOWell, that's kind of not fair!
BELLA SWANYou tell me. Old men go insane, pop princesses in jail, what is this world coming to?
JACQUEL ROMANOVThis is all my fault. If I haven't trained them…
ROSALIE HALEWe'd find a way to get out.
(MEANWHILE)
CHARLIE BONEI can't believe that Dumbledore guy would lock up all the girls!
51.
TANCRED TORRSONWho does he think he is, anyway?
HARRY POTTERI thought he was a great wizard, but now I'm not so sure. Yeah, he wants me to fight for the greater good, but then I recently found out that that "greater good" crap is nothing more than a load of horse-
RANDOM IDIOTStake sauce!
HARRY POTTERThanks.
JACOB BLACKI will NOT be stopped by a tiny little cage! Must use reverse cage attack method!
(grabs a remote and rewinds to the point when Seth is about to set off the trick cages)
SETH CLEARWATERCool, what's that?
BOYSDon't touch that rope!
SETH CLEARWATERWhy not?
(Filch trips over the rope and a cage falls on his head, trapping him)
I'd rather not ask.
JACOB BLACKNow let's find the girls!
(they race towards the tower where the girls are being held)
(CHARLIE AND MANFRED)
52.
CHARLIE BONEManfred? Where are you?
MANFRED BLOORI'm in here!
(he grabs Charlie and pulls him into a spare room)
CHARLIE BONEWhat's going on?
MANFRED BLOORThis is the part where horror of unspeakable horror happens and there's lots of making out.
CHARLIE BONEGross!
MANFRED BLOORYeah. And before that, we have a fearful chat about the horror that is happening right now.
CHARLIE BONEDon't you mean love confessions?
MANFRED BLOORYou're hopeless, Charlie Bone! Completely and totally hopeless!
CHARLIE BONEI am not hopeless, Manfred Bloor! You're the one who's mean because he doesn't have his mommy!
MANFRED BLOORAnd you're all defiant and stuff because you don't have your father with you!
CHARLIE BONEYou took my father away from me and where is he now, Manny?
MANFRED BLOORDon't take it out on me because your father's not here!
53.
CHARLIE BONEI can so take it out on you, you stupid son of a wacky scorpion-eating wombat! In fact, I should just kill you right now, you little…
(just then, Manfred reaches over and kisses him. The Disney Nazi shows up. Music grinds to a halt. Screen cuts to black)
DISNEY NAZIHey, what the hell? You're not supposed to be watching THAT! That's disgusting! Here, watch this
(he shows a Disney singalong. Jacob gets mad and tears him into pieces)
JACOB BLACKDon't worry, kids; he'll never destroy another story again. Here, watch the girls get rescued…
(IN THE TOWER)
JACQUEL ROMANOVI'm going to ask you girls an important question what is up with today's crappy stories?
BELLA SWANI don't know.
JACQUEL ROMANOVIt's that today's stories are full of crap! I'm tired of all this realistic fiction they try to shove in our faces! Why can't we have a good fantasy for once?
(just then Laurent shows up)
54.
LAURENTVampire Rescue Patrol; do any girls here need rescuing?
GIRLSOver here!
(he breaks down the door and the girls rush out)
JACQUEL ROMANOVAnd now we go to fight and I avenge my family!
(IN THE GREAT HALL)
KLAUS BAUDELAIREWhere the hell is Charlie? He should be here by now!
JASPER HALEHe's probably off getting the big barrel guns.
EMMETT CULLENOr maybe he's found a way out.
ALLI hope so.
(just then the girls and Laurent show up)
RON WEASLEYHow'd you girls get out?
LEAH CLEARWATEREasy. A guy came and rescued us.
HARRY POTTERI will never criticize fairy tales again.
JACQUEL ROMANOVBut you can criticize Prince Charming. He didn't rescue me from my troubles, so why should I trust him? And besides, I liked the idea of being rescued.
(just then Charlie and Manfred show up)
55.
EMMA TOLLYAbout time you two sons of a filthy goblin-minded rat managed to show up here! Where are the guns?
CHARLIE BONEI've got a letter. Since Uncle Paton might want to rescue us, I'd figure I would write and ask for help.
FIDELIO GUNNGood idea, Charlie!
CHARLIE BONEAnd then we tie it to a brick and hurl it out the window and hope he finds it…
(Leah throws the brick…WITHOUT THE LETTER ATTACHED!)
BELLA SWANLeah, you idiot!
LEAH CLEARWATERWhat? Oh come on now, Bella, I was only trying to help!
ROSALIE HALEYou could have waited *until* he put the letter on the brick and tied it up BEFORE you threw it!
LEAH CLEARWATERSo what? You're blaming ME for his loss?
ROSALIE HALEBring it on, you little punk!
(They start fighting)
(MEANWHILE)
ALBUS DUMBLEDOREWhat's going on here?
(Jacquel is behind him)
56.
JACQUEL ROMANOVWhat the hell is wrong with you?
ALBUS DUMBLEDOREOh, Miss Romanov, if only your mother was smarter…
JACQUEL ROMANOVDon't you bloody dare drag my mother into this! You murdered her, didn't you, you sick bastard?
ALBUS DUMBLEDOREI don't know what you're talking about.
JACQUEL ROMANOVI know you murdered her, you sick child of a wacky reptile-faced anaconda! And guess what? I'm gonna make you pay for her death…with YOURS!
(Harry shows up)
HARRY POTTERJacquel, bad news…
JACQUEL ROMANOVHarry, can't you see that I'm in the middle of a conflict here? I'm gonna take down Dumbledore!
HARRY POTTERHe's here!
JACQUEL ROMANOVCRAP!
(to Dumbledore)I'll deal with you later!
(AT HOGWARTS LAKE)
LORD VOLDEMORTBwaahahahahahahahahahaha! I've now reached Hogwarts and I'm taking over the school! Everyone will bow to me or…
(just then the brick Leah threw earlier hits him in the face. He screams and says some words
(MORE)
57.
LORD VOLDEMORT (CONT'D)that won't be published in this story)
CHARLIE BONEWho the heck is he?
EMBRY CALLI don't know.
HARRY POTTERLord Voldemort, I might have known it was you the whole time! You're causing all the trouble in...(turns to Olivia) What was your town's name again?
OLIVIA VERTIGO
Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitpolis.
HARRY POTTERThought so. Anyway, you're nothing more than a Holy son of a putrid worm-eating trogg! You and your Death Eaters make me laugh with all your talk about "muggles this" and "pureblood that"! Well, it ends now!
LORD VOLDEMORTAnd you're just Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Is-A-Pain-In-My-Behind!
HARRY POTTERWell looky here, you snake-faced child of a swollen badger-brained spider! I laugh at your funny looking no-nose icky looking mug! I mock all your Ugly Betty-like stepsisters, you sons of a giant worm-minded rat!
(Children of the Red King start laughing)
Now back off, or I will insult you again!
(The kids laugh at Voldemort, who is clearly insulted)
58.
LORD VOLDEMORTChildren! Remember who you work for!
(the laughter dies immediately)
HARRY POTTERDo you have a death wish, you Holy snake-like child of a pimply shrew-hating platypus? We shall throw bricks at your head!
CHARLIE BONENo, Harry, not bricks. I've got something even better.
TANCRED TORRSONWhat can be better than bricks?
BELLA SWANDodgeballs! ATTACK!
(the kids send hundreds of dodgeballs hurtling towards the Death Eaters, who are much taken aback by the attack)
LORD VOLDEMORTAvada Kedavra! Harry Potter, this be your final act!
(he zaps Harry, but Dumbledore is hit by the curse)
ALBUS DUMBLEDOREBut why, Harry?
HARRY POTTERBecause, you son of a swollen spider-hating kangaroo, you ruined my life, you made me live with people I hate, you're using me as a human shield against the Dark Lord just so you can claim victory…
(Jacquel grabs Dumbledore and knocks him off the wall)
59.
JACQUEL ROMANOVWho's the smarter one now?
EDWARD CULLENOk, that's enough. Now let's face him head on!
(before they could do so, a bunch of knights show up)
SEAN MICHAEL BLACKEvil Voldemort!
(Voldemort looks at him)
Today, the blood of thousands of innocent people shall be avenged! This time, I won't stop fighting until you and every one of your evil minions lies dead!
(to knights)CHARGE!
LORD VOLDEMORTSTOP THEM! But Sean is mine!
(just then, a very violent battle ensues)
TANCRED TORRSONI use hurricane flash!
(just then, Asa sees the flash)
ASA PIKELook out, guys! It's Tancred! The weather kid!
(the kids get hit by the flash and get soaked)
ADDISONYou never told us that there were GOOD kids!
DORCAS LOOMWhy should we?
(just then, an illusion of birds swoop over everyone's heads)
60.
BARTOK RASPUTINBIRDS? I FREAKING HATE BIRDS!
(he runs off screaming his head off)
EMMA TOLLYNice job, Olivia.
OLIVIA VERTIGOThanks.
(just then Billy has Disney figurines loaded onto catapults)
BILLY RAVENFIRE IN THE HOLE!
(figurines pelt the other kids)
TREASURE TOLKIENWhat the bloody hell…DISNEY FIGURINES? I HATE DISNEY!
CHARLIE BONELet us throw more dodgeballs at them!
(dodgeballs are hurled at the children)
ASA PIKEThat's it! We can't beat them! Let's give up now!
(a white flag is waved)
JACQUEL ROMANOVThose evil kid minions are giving up! We win!
ALLHooray!
(just then Paton shows up)
PATON YEWBEAMThere you kids are!
61.
EZEKIEL BLOORYay! You taught those others a lesson! They will get detention after we get back to Bloor's!
AMY BONECharlie, you're ok!
CHARLIE BONEOf course I am, mom. I mean, with wizards and witches and vampires and werewolves, no one could possibly hurt me.
JULIA INGLEDEWGood for you kids. You've won the day!
SUCHART SEEKERAll right, wait a sec here! This isn't Lord Voldemort!
SEAN MICHAEL BLACKHe isn't? Then who is he?
ROBBIE EVANSHe's…
(rips off disguise)
ALLWEEDON?
LYSANDER SAGEI KNEW IT!
CHARLIE BONEBut why?
WEEDONI served the Bloors all these years and they never thanked me or anything like that. That's when I got involved with Norton. But now he's in jail for life because of you snot-nose royal brats!
MANFRED BLOORWatch it punkface, or I'll bounce you from here to Moscow, back around China and up through Mexico!
62.
WEEDONOh, hello, Manfred.
MANFRED BLOORDON'T YOU DARE "OH HELLO MANFRED" ME, YOU DOG-NOSED HEAD SNAPPER! You killed the real dark lord and dressed up as him!
WORMTAILI knew he was a fake!
GABRIEL SILKSo who are you guys?
NAREN BLOOROh, you haven't met Suchart and Shara? They and I are the Storybook Police, and our job is to make sure that the stories are corrected and everyone, and I mean bad guys included, live happily ever after.
CHARLIE BONESo that's why you're not at Bloor's.
NAREN BLOORRight. But since this is our last job, since we arrested the Volturi and Count Olaf a few weeks back and locked them up in a horrible prison that's so bad that not even Sirius Black can escape from it, we'll have to go to school.
(to Weedon)You are under arrest for causing a disturbance in Freadwardbobertmc'hammerhimesmitpolis, recruiting children to do your evil works and lying about yourself to gain followers.
WEEDONI HATE CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY THE CHILDREN OF THE RED KING!
SHARA SHAZEAnd we're using that against you. Now come quietly…
(Weedon is taken away)
63.
CHARLIE BONEGreat! Since there's no more Lord Voldemort and Dumbledore got what he deserved, what do we do now?
NAREN BLOORI don't know.
BLOOR'S ACADEMY. - SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(A FEW WEEKS LATER)
CHARLIE BONEIt's so good to be back in Bloor's. but for some reason, I miss those other guys.
LYSANDER SAGEUs too, Charlie.
GABRIEL SILKI admit it was pretty cool hanging out with real wizards.
EMMA TOLLYSame here.
FIDELIO GUNNI wonder what's happening to those other guys…
(IN DETENTION)
DR. HAROLD BLOORAnd for cooperating with a criminal, you will all receive 5 months detention!
(kids groan)
JOSHUA TILPINBut that's not fair!
EZEKIEL BLOORFair is fair, Joshua Tilpin. You did a bad thing, now you are to be punished!
MADDY/SARA LEEBut why are you punishing us? We don't even go here!
64.
EZEKIEL BLOORShut up and stay in here for five months!
(laughs wildly as he leaves)
(IN THE KING'S ROOM)
BILLY RAVENNow what?
CHARLIE BONEWe finish singing that wacky song that we sang in the first scene!
BILLY RAVENOh, but of course!
(but Manfred stops them)
MANFRED BLOORHow's about a…hug, Charlie Bone?
CHARLIE BONEOk.
(he gives Manfred a hug)
OLIVIA VERTIGOOh great! Charlie turned Manfred into a big softie!
TANCRED TORRSONI kind of like the new Manfred.
GABRIEL SILKMe too.
MANFRED BLOORWell…don't get your hopes up.
(just then Treasure and the others come to them)
TREASURE TOLKIENWe've got something for you…
ALLLike WHAT?
65.
TREASURE TOLKIENTHIS!
(Harry and his friends, the Baudelaires, the Cullens, and the wolves come out)
CHARLIE BONEWhat's happening?
MADDY/SARA LEEIt's a party! You know, to celebrate a good clean, non-Disney-like ending!
TREASURE TOLKIENBecause I hate Disney.
SUCHART SEEKERAnd you did a great job making everyone get along.
BILLY RAVENWho are you guys?
SHARA SHAZEWe're those random people who sang the old traditional story theme song.
EMMA TOLLYI thought you were the storybook police.
SUCHART SEEKERYup, that too.
SHARA SHAZESo we will sing for you guys one more time…HIT IT!
CUT TO:
(CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS AND EVERYONE IN THE ROOM DANCE)
SHARA SHAZE(singing)
Well, we have done what we have done; and that is set things right. Now we can go on with the rest of our lives…
66.
SUCHART SEEKER(singing)
We have certainly gone on the greatest adventure of our lives, and now that adventure has come to an end…
SHARA & SUCHARTAnd...IT'S THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY! Where good things happen all the time! THE OLD TRADITONAL STORY, And life is certainly grand! Now back to the real world you we shall send, for we only have two words left to say…
ALLTHE END!
(cheesy song ends)
FADE TO BLACK.
