The Natural Bears Classification System (V1.10) Version 1.0 23-November-1989 Version 1.10 7-May-1996 Authors: [email protected] (Bob Donahue = BBC) [email protected] (Jeff Stoner) Because "Bears" mean so many things to different people, because bears come in all shapes and sizes and have different sexual proclivities, because classifie d ad prices are SOOOOOO expensive, we (while eating lunch at a Boulder, Colorado, Wendy's on Thanksgiving weekend, 1989) came up with this incredibly-scientif ic system to describe bears and bear-like men. Since we both have interests in astronomy, we are well-versed in star and galaxy classification systems, which use prototypes to set the standards for describing things. Rather than just saying something is of "Type I" or "Type II" (etc.), it is better to use natural features to describe an object, in particular as a continuum of a range of features. Such is the case with bears. The Classification Scheme The most obvious characteristic of a bear is understandibly his facial fur. So, that is the most logical place to begin. Using a capital "B" to denote "BEAR", we have added a sub-class characterizin g "beard type" which combines a bear's beard's length, thickness, and overall "keptness", numbered from 0 to 9 and defined in the following way: 0 - (Little/no beard, or incredibly sparse) Such a beard is the absolute minimum that could ever be classified as a beard. We're talking 5-o'clock shadow, here! And yes, we are of the opinon that the beardless can still find company among the ursines! 1 - (VERY slight beard) This is the kind of beard that people have who want to have a beard, but can't grow one. Or someone who is contantly at the 1-week phase. 2 - (Slight beard) A beard kept VERY short at all times, or thinned out. 3 - (Thin beard) A beard in all respects but kept thin and short. 4 - (Mostly full) A beard that is full except for a few noticable bald spots, or kept trimmed. 5 - (Full beard) A full beard not generally trimmed, though not generally bushy. May have a few bald spots on inspection. Usually full and roundish beards fall into this category. 6 - (Very full) A full beard, not trimmed. May be slightly bushy but very full. Thick, full beards (moreso than B5's) are B6's. B6's beards also generally are higher up on the cheeks than B5's. 7 - (Longish/bushy beards) A full beard or slightly thin beard with longish fur. This beard is not trimmed and does come away from the chin. 8 - (Very Long Beards) These beards are usually very bushy and haven't seen clippers for a very long time. 9 - (Belt-buckle-g razing long beards) The prototype is ZZ Top. Need we say more? Ok... Using this scheme, it shouldn't be hard to narrow a person down to within 1 sub-class, although occasionally people may fall between two classes, and then the end result is left up to the person classifying, or one may use a hybrid designation (for example: B7/4) for those who vary across time (in the given range they spend more time near the first number). Other Classifiers for Bears While beards can be an observable trait of bears, there are other things that different people take into consideration as to "what makes up a bear", and things that people like in their bears. So, bearing that in mind (pun intended) there are other criteria that can/should optionally follow the "B" designation.