The Edge Magazine January 2012

ISSUE NO: 183

www.theedgemag.co.uk The Edge Chelmsford CM2 6XD Telephone 01245 348256 Mobile: 077 646 797 44

JANUARY 2012‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’

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LOVE ITI absolutely love it when the Chelmsford WeeklyNews comes through my letterbox with all ofthose leaflets inside it, which immediately gointo the (recycling) bin, totally unread.Farmfoods, Aldi and Asda, please take note thatyou are wasting your bleedin’ money.

WASTESpeaking of Recycling Bins, my God, it’s goneabsolutely mental, hasn’t it? What with that latest ickle baby one called a Kitchen Caddy.How much more separating of waste materialsis it possible to do, do you think?And could it eventually spread from the kitcheninto the bathroom?

IT’S NICE TO BE NICEI’ve just broken off for a bowl of Tomato Soup,flicked the TV on to catch the lunchtime news,only those Loose Women were on, so I stuck

with those bitches for five minutes, and I’mawfully glad I did.One of them said, “I hope 2012 turns out to bethe year of being nice,” and as soppy as itsounds, I thought, ‘Yeah. What the hell’s wrongwith being nice to each other?’Which means a whole host of people are goingto have to change their ways. Only they won’t.They won’t because they’re too dumb to under-stand that actually being ‘nice’ is not a sign ofweakness.

BRUSSELSThe wife took me on a surprise pre-Crimbo daytrip to Brussels and it was a blinkin’ surprise tooas we’d been on the Eurostar from Ebbsfleet forfully 15 minutes before I realised we weren’tactually going to Bruges (boo!), which is milesbetter, right, readers?Or did I just catch Brussels on a perishinglycold, grey and drab day?Nope, I don’t think I did.Brussels is pants and that’s now official.

GIRAFFEStuck my neck out and ate at Giraffe (bum bum)the other evening. Frank and honest, as ever,appraisal on page 16 this month, folks.

THIS IS ENGLAND ’88Shown in December as the 3 programme followup to This Is England ’86, this is what I’d call TVdrama. It’s gritty. It’s raw. It’s real. So do try andget it on REPLAY if you missed it.

SHALLOWHow can you be so shallow, yet still end updrowning? Flailing. Splashing about in but twofeet of the mire. Dishing it out. Drinking it in.Sinking. Failing. Going down.

VIETNAMWatched, for the second time (as it was recentlyrepeated), that episode of Top Gear where ‘theboys’ (isn’t it great that middle-aged men cansometimes still get referred to as ‘boys’ doing‘boy type things’, where as middle-aged womensimply get called just that?) went to Vietnamand covered 700 miles from the south to thenorth on old scooters/motorcycles. That hassurely got to be one of the best Top Gear’s ever,I’ve recorded it and am not going to delete it asthat’s what I want to do; go to Vietnam for twoweeks and scooter it from the south to thenorth, just like Clarkson, Hammond & May(which sounds like a firm of solicitors).So, please can I hear from any Edge readerswho’ve been to Vietnam, particularly your ‘mustdo’ and ‘must not do’ experiences.Whenever I ask you lot for your help, you neverever fail me, so please, readers, I’d genuinelylove to know of your Vietnamese experiences.

2012I thought 2011 was going to be a good yearbecause it had a number eleven in it and I likethe number eleven and that’s about the extentof just how simple/daft I am.But was it? A good year?And will 2012 be better or worse?All I know for certain is that if we believe every-thing we read in the national press, then wemight as well all top ourselves now.Thank God I got a machine that prints moneyfor Christmas, readers. Plus a packet of seedsto plant a tree so’s I can grow my own money.Life is life. I guess the trick is to take control asmuch as is humanly possible.

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 01245 348256

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One of the results that came out of a R.M.S.(right mini survey) The Edge carried out recent-ly (i.e. Kingpin rang his Mum) was the fact thatyou readers seemingly want a greater choice ofoutlets to choose from where The Edge is read-ily available.Fine. If that’s the case, The Edge genuinelyneeds I.P.O. (interested prospective outlets) toput their best foot forward and present them-selves as genuine distribution opportunities,and by that we mean you must be confident ofshifting.....ooooh....a fair few mags on a dailybasis at the least. Somewhere down Chelmsford High Streetwould be ideal, preferably in a shop/store door-way so that The Edge is protected from the elements (most notably RAIN, despite the factwe’re being told we haven’t actually had any forthe past 12 blinkin’ months).Or what about the bottom end of MoulshamStreet?Or near the railway station?Or inside the Odeon? (No, cancel that one asthey don’t want anything to do with this particu-lar publication in there!)As ever, The Edge is open to suggestions, socontact [email protected] NOW!

That was a PUBLIC INFORMATION messagebrought to you by The Edge, Chelmsford’sunofficial fanzine and number one choice of thepeople blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

MORE Edge OutletsRequired

Here she is: Monica Galetti of TV’s Masterchef.And yep, without a shadow of a doubt, TheEdge has got the definite hots for her.For starters (not to mention mains and dessert),she sounds (now put on a Bruno Tonioli voiceand start rising up from your seat) “like a top ofthe range Alfa Romeo accelerating in third gear”(settle down, Bruno, lad)...and that’s just hername.OK, OK, so The Edge has seen better photo-graphs of her than the one above, but she ismost definitely cute, not to mention that snazzyickle haircut suiting her completely.And hey, SHE CAN COOK!So surely the gorgeous Monica isn’t just TheEdge’s (latest) Dream Girl, but potentially she’severy fella’s dream girl. Right, guys?Oh come on....don’t anyone DARE report thatshe’s a lesbian???Having said that, when has such news everdaunted any shit-for-brained bloke?“Oh, I’ll show her what she’s been missingalright (grunt, grunt)” etc.

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OK, OK, so The Edge is a little late bringing this story to you, but just SHUT UP and read it anyway!This Movember thing is absolutely brilliant. The Edge really loves it and if only it could grow one asstrong and vibrant as Merrick’s (the fella in the centre), then it’d have a bash with pleasure.Movember, if you’re not aware - and The Edge cannot believe that any of you aren’t - is all aboutgentlemen throughout the UK (and indeed the world) growing a set of handlebars during the monthof November in order to help raise awareness and much needed funds for men’s health issues, inparticular, prostate cancer.On 1st November, guys (known as Mo bros) register at Movember.com with a (note) clean shavenface and for the rest of the month cultivate a certain facial plumage just above their trap region.Meanwhile, there are also Mo sistas (aren’t the names superb?) who do not have to register photo-graphic evidence of their shaven haven’s. No, no, no, no, no....Mo sistas register in support of themen in their lives, with many women clearly having more than one. Once again, no, no, no, no, no....The Edge is not referring to ladies with loose morals and means their husbands and/orboyfriends and/or brothers and/or fathers etc. Dear me, readers, what disgusting minds you ’ave.So Chelmsford’s The Home Partnership got together with Duke Street’s Property Stop and TheMortgage Business in Brentwood, registered as The Tash Factor, then set about growing their mo’s.In all, the 14 man team managed to raise £2,795 which The Edge thinks is an absolutely first classeffort. Meanwhile, worldwide, the whole Movember 2011 movement raised a really rather staggering£67, 627, 282 if the figures The Edge has been given are correct (if not, blame Scott, above right).What’s so great about this charity effort is that it looks so very much fun. Mo Bros in effect becomewalking talking advertising billboards throughout the 30 days of November with both their actions,various antics and words helping to promote public conversation concerning such an oft ignored,yet incredibly serious issue concerning men’s health.

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Even The Home Partnership’s Jo Williamsmanaged to get in on the act by sproutinga few ‘lady whiskers’.




Media Storm in a TeacupNaturally, the media were all over the story likea rash with sensationalist headlines such as‘War on Street Signs to Shut Businesses’. This was from Darragh McDonagh (no ‘close’relation) of the Connacht Sentinel. The articleclaims that the ban on A-boards would result inthe closure of several businesses on the City’sside streets within a matter of weeks in theabsence of an alternative advertising provision.Quoting the proprietor of a restaurant in MarketStreet, he said, “If the proposed law comes in,I’ll be out of business for certain.” However, thearticle concluded that things were getting out ofhand and the City centre needed de-cluttering.

This year, when I returned to my tribe oncemore and again passed through Galway CityCentre, I am delighted to report that theCityscape has indeed remained de-cluttered.There are designated areas for buskers, markedsimilar to London Underground. There are manymore authorised external dining areas in front ofcafes, restaurants and bars, but unlikeChelmsford, the large menu boards are withinthe demise of the designated areas. I am alsodelighted to report that the aforementioned pro-prietor of the restaurant in Market Street is stillsuccessfully plying his trade too, a year on!

Scrutiny ReviewIn September last year (2011), I was invited to ameeting of Essex County Council’s Safer andStronger Communities Committee. This is aTask and Finish Group of the Economic

Development Environment and Highways Policyand Scrutiny Committee. The objective of thisGroup is to ‘consider the most appropriateapproach to the management of A-boards on thepublicly maintainable highway’. They had beendebating the issue for the best part of the yearand were really nowhere nearer to a clear solution, partly due to the fact that they were trying to tackle the problem on a county-widebasis and what they believed to be a lack ofclarity on the legislation front. They debatedthree possible policy options.

Zero ToleranceThe County Council claims that they do nothave the resources to undertake enforcementthat the zero tolerance option would create.Highway boundary checks would be required inorder to clarify their jurisdiction; storage facilitiesneeded for ceased A-boards, together with pay-ment collection procedures for fines and penal-ties.

LicencingA licencing procedure on the highways, whilstnot unprecedented, would equally need toresource an enforcement and collection element, possibly on a daily basis, not forgettingthat income from such a scheme can be self-financing.

Localism This suggests a procedure whereby responsibili-ty is devolved wholly to the Planning andLicencing functions of the Borough and DistrictCouncils. This enables individual areas to investigate theuse of licencing within their remit to ensuretraders adhere to good practice and seek tocompromise wider public access requirements,taking account of local circumstances. In my opinion, a combination of all three optionshas merit. First of all, go in heavy, threateningthe ‘Galway Method’, then offer a local licencingsolution with strict guidelines on size and loca-tion of one A-board per business. This is my ‘carrot and stick solution’. First of all, beat themwith the stick, then beat them with the carrot!The Committee cautions, however, that anyonethat places an item on the highway is potentiallyliable to any person who suffers an injurycaused by that item. Therefore, traders areadvised to consider obtaining public liabilityindemnity insurance in the event of any claim.The Committee are currently researching bestpractice on this matter from towns and cities inother counties. A final decision is not expecteduntil sometime this year. Meanwhile, the rest of us must persist in endur-ing the obstacle course.

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These two lovely ladies - and The Edge does miss ’em - are Colette Dayand Sue MacDonald of the Essex Acupuncture Room and they haverecently been giving your editor a bit of the old electronic Acupuncture onthat damned and blasted shoulder of mine that most stubbornly refuses toheal, and it’s been what.....nine sodding months now!

In the west, acupuncture is still most commonly practiced privately, withone patient seeing one practitioner for around 45 minutes to an hour withprices varying from £30 to as much as £200 per treatment. Whilst the latter figure may be affordable for some, it certainly doesn’t make it acces-sible for all, as it is vital that any patient has treatment frequently enoughand for long enough to not only get better, but stay better.

So is there a way to provide acupuncture at an affordable price?

The answer is ‘multi-bed’ or community acupuncture clinics where severalpeople are treated together in one large room, hence the term.Non-NHS funded multi-bed clinics have been appearing in the UK onlysince 2003. However, in the Far East, it is normal practice to treat peopletogether and many feel that it is a more authentic way to practice andreceive acupuncture. As well as the reduced cost, an extra benefit ofmulti-bed clinics is the community spirit that emerges when several peopleare cared for in a shared space. Patients consistently report that they likethe sense of togetherness and further to this an energy field is createdwhen several people are treated all at the same time, which can certainlyenhance the power of one’s healing experience, as in practicing Yoga orTai Chi.

Here in Chelmsford, we are lucky enough to have such a clinic (the first inthis region) which has been set up and run by Colette and Sue, both reg-istered acupuncturists, accredited by the British Acupuncture Council, whoalso offer the additional benefit of years of experience in midwifery andnursing. The aim of the clinic is to provide high quality, holistic treatmentsin a community setting at an affordable price.

Traditional acupuncture treats the person, not the illness, and each per-son’s unique patterns will be assessed and taken into account when theacupuncture points are chosen. This means that there is always someway in which it can benefit any physical or emotional health problem.

For more information on how acupuncture can help you, please contactChelmsford (01245) 710017 www.essexacupunctureroom.co.uk

Editor’s NoteAcupuncture is sooooo relaxing that I actually nodded off a couple ofoccasions whilst I was having my electronic treatments, plus a heat lampaimed at my shoulder. It was a truly wonderful experience.

What’s more, I also concur with Sue’s editorial (above) about the feelingof togetherness by all being in one room together. One of the occasions Iwas there, a lady who literally looked fit to burst was having acupunctureto prepare herself for the delivery of her first child, which The Edgethought was both sweet and wholesome without really knowing very muchabout such practices at all.

Do have fun getting there though (it’s the Chelmsford side of Writtle)!

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The recent celebrations of the40th anniversary of CAMRA resultedin the publication of some interest-ing views, courtesy of the fourfounding members.Much as I hadpredicted, several of them com-plained that, while they had no par-ticular problems with the generaldirection of the organisation, theyfelt that a significant proportion ofthe membership had a misplacedsense of priorities. An excessiveemphasis on beer festivals and lackof support for the pub was a com-mon gripe. Obsession with techni-calities of beer production and serv-ice over and above quality of prod-uct was another.

The latter, in particular, struck achord with me. There are hundredsof tiny breweries in the countrythese days, and, let’s face it, thevast majority of them are crap. Theirbeer is virtually undrinkable to any-one with a functioning set of taste-buds, and even if one manages toforce the vile liquid down one’sneck, one often finds that a singlepint of it produces one hell of ahangover the day after, so incompe-tent is the brewing. Frankly, you’dbe better off with a pint of smooth-flow, which does at least tend to beinoffensively bland rather thanoffensively offensive. Suggest thisto any self-styled ale-lover, howev-er, and he’ll look at you as if you’remad. The small brewery productmust be better - it’s cask-condi-tioned!

The point these people are miss-ing, of course, is that the foundingfathers of CAMRA paid no heedwhatsoever to whether or not thebeer was ‘cask-conditioned’ - theydidn’t know what that was! Theyprotested against the mass-marketproducts of their day because theywere cold, fizzy and bland - in short,everything traditional British beernever was. Such new-fangled beerswere forcing traditional products offthe bar-tops of Britain, not by virtueof being more popular, but becausethey were cheaper to produce andforced into pubs by the controllinginterest of breweries. For the mod-ern-day drinker to sing the praisesof patently disgusting beer simplybecause it conforms to a technicaldistinction is idiotic and self-defeat-ing.

The entire concept of ‘traditionalbeer’ has, of course, been lost amida gadarene rush towards the wildestrealms of experimentation. Forexample, I recently received a freebottle of beer from a notable EastAnglian brewery. The alleged attrac-tion of this product was that it hadbeen brewed with peat-smoked

malt. Those who share my love ofWestern-Isles whiskies will not besurprised to learn that this beertasted of TCP. This is a welcometaste in spirit-strength productswhose high alcohol content offsetsin nicely, but in beer it simply sug-gests the presence of an infection.

The fact is that the existence of a‘fan-club’ for such businesses hascreated a confusion in the mind ofthe brewer. He has come to think ofhimself as an artist, not as an arti-san. An adulatory audience waitswith bated breath for his next greatwork, an innovation with no purposebeyond the basest act of crowd-pleasing. Rather than engaging inthe true manifestation of his craft,which is the repetition and the re-interpretation of a form, he pro-duces ludicrously brain-spun beerswhich prove to be as tasteful as aQueen record and as subtle as aJerry Bruckheimer movie. The mis-guided floridity of the conception isgenerally matched by the sheerincompetence of the execution. It’sa large-scale wrong-turn of gargan-tuan proportions, which sees hugenumbers of British beer drinkersdelighting in the destruction ofeverything they claim to love.

This clique, however vocal, doesnot actually represent the intentionsof CAMRA (although most of themare members of that organisation),nor do they comprise the majority ofale consumers in this country, so it’stime the rest of us stood up for theinterests of the future of real ale.Here is a draught manifesto:We, as drinkers of traditional Britishbeer, defend the founding aims ofthe Campaign for Real Ale, andwish to state the following:1. That we are motivated by taste,not by technique.2. That we loathe the majority ofcask ale produced in this countryand understand it fully.3. That we consider golden ales tobe horrible.4. That we respect and find marvel-lous the beers of the traditional fam-ily brewers of Britain.5. That those who show the greatestdisrespect towards British beer arethose who get worked up abouttechnical matters, falsified by theirincomprehension of intellectualbrewers who blind them with sci-ence. We believe that they havedone more damage than the nation-al breweries of the 60s and 70s.6. That we admire those who perse-vere with traditional brewing of bit-ter, mild, stout and porter.You thoughts, please.

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David Sherman’s

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Page 12 The Edge 077 646 797 44

Why doesn’t Chelmsford have an L.S.,B. (large silver ball) in its town centrelike Bristol does in its Millennium Square?Just a thought.Anyway, your editor has often harped on within these very pages about want-ing an alternative weekend getaway destination, other than Corfe Caste andSwanage which it is forever visiting, but have any of you ever come forwardto offer up any suggestions?Have you buggery.Until, that is, The Edge’s very own colonist Steve Ward happened to mentionBristol to me.Now Steve’s a former Chelmsford lad who now lives up in London within spit-ting distance of St. Paul’s Cathedral, as it happens. So it’s definitely fair tosay that he enjoys city life, with Bristol seemingly being his favourite ‘secondcity’.OK, so it’s a two-and-a-half hour drive to Bristol from Chelmsford with MrsEdge and I opting to hole up for a couple of nights in a cracking room (askfor 128, 228 or 328) at the Bristol City Centre (King Street) Premier Inn for£49:00 per night (but Wardo definitely pays double that wherever he stays).If you get there on a Saturday morning, do take his advice, as did we, andhead for the Harbourside and the Watershed in particular, where you cansnack/graze, drink alcohol in adult surroundings and generally just chill outafter your journey. Watershed even has it’s own 3-screen cinema, so weplumped for The Deep Blue Sea starring Rachel Weisz, which was truly themost mind-numbingly boring film I have ever seen in my entire life. However,on the plus side, it really is a cracking little cinema and the seats were verycomfortable, so I took the opportunity to have an ickle snooze.So far as shopping is concerned, the old shopping centre certainly isn’t muchto write home about, which we had a little peek at. However, the relativelynew Cabot Circus is probably much more like it - though we missed it com-pletely - as is home to both House of Fraser and Harvey Nicks.For our first evening, we’d already taken Wardo’s advice and pre-booked atable at Severnshed (there’s an awful lot of ‘sheds’ in the names of places atBristol) and if you like your restaurants to be fairly lively with good food andwine, then you won’t go far wrong there. What was also handy was that it toowas situated on the Harbourside, which was but a short walk from our digs,so no taxis necessary all weekend. Result.Next morning, after a cracking night’s sleep in a king size bed (got to get ourselves one of those), we wandered into a Costa’s for a coffee and a pastry before walking beside the River Avon on a beautiful sunny Sundaymorning (how lucky were we?) up into Clifton to see old Isambard’s magnificent suspension bridge, where my legs honestly turned to jelly whilstwalking across the little cutie.

Then we wandered down intothe village of Clifton itself andwere immediately in HogHeaven as we absolutelyloved the place, and particu-larly The Royal Oak where weenjoyed some excellent beers(well, I did) and had a crack-ing Sunday Roast.And if all that wasn’t enough,just a couple of doors up fromthe pub was a delightful bou-tique called Mele where - ohdear - they happened to stockBelstaff, so I merely stood by

in awe as my ickle wife flourished her credit card.Will we return?Absolutely. Most definitely. And it would be rather nice to stay at the AvonGorge Hotel in Clifton next time too. (www.theavongorge.com).

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After checking out the line-up, The Edge wasn’teven going to bother watching the recent ‘I’m ACelebrity....Get Me Out Of Here’. But when theremote-control is in the vicelike grip of one’smissus, it was either that or picking the fluff outof my navel every night, and there’s simplynowhere to store T.M.F. (that much fluff).

Now then, I swear, I have never seen a singleepisode of The Only Way Is Essex. I haven’teven seen 5 minutes of it. So when The Edgewas told who Mark Wright was, I just groaned,like you do, and was certain the bloke wasbound to be a major league prize prick.

But how wrong can you be?

In fact, what a charming young fellow M.W. trulyturned out to be. So much so The Edge reckonshe’s now gone and put Essex firmly on the mapin a positive light for a right refreshing change.

Don’t some of you older readers reckon helooks as bit like a very young Robert Wagner?

For research purposes only, this mag loggedonto Wikipedia to try and check Mark Wrightout, although it pretty much just stated ‘televi-sion personality’ and that was about it.

Only then it spotted a story about Mark and hisbrother running out of fuel on route to see theirmum and dad not long after Mark returned from‘The Jungle’ - followed by a joyous gaggle ofpaparazzi - and The Edge thought, ‘How doesthe tabloid press justify its existence?’

What’s slightly more interesting (mildly) is thefact that Mazza actually fancies landing a role inEastEnders after spending ten years at theSylvia Young (never heard of her?) ActingSchool, and says he would genuinely like tobecome the next James Bond.

Dream on, lad.

Fact is, because of his undoubted good looks,Mark’ll no doubt end up on our TV screens inthe not too distant future, but will it really be asa presenter, the vocation he so craves?Incredibly doubtful, The Edge would say.

However, The Edge is definitely ALL for champi-oning him as an ‘Ambassador for Essex’ and hecould cut his ultra-white teeth by doing therounds of pubs and kebab houses and explain-

ing to the regulars why you don’t get a sex-packlike his by drinking 20 pints of Mild every night,or from a diet of donnas’n’burgers.

Thing is, The Edge has already mentioned onpage 4 this month - under it’s ‘It’s Nice To BeNice’ heading - that there’s truly nothing wrongwith being N.I.C.E. and perhaps Mark Wrightcould even make a career out of being Mr Nicein the same way that Rowan Atkinson has con-siderably enhanced his own bank balance byplaying that idiotic Mr Bean character.

For Atkinson though, that was merely a meansto an end, whereas Mazza seems to whole-heartedly embrace niceness. That said, wecould all surely learn a lesson from him.

Mark’s former fiance, Lauren Goodger, has eventhreatened to “bed him because he’s so nice” ina bid to win back her former lover and remindhim of just what he’s been missing. “The wholetime Mark was in Australia, I tried to be strongby lifting weights and stuff,” she informed Heatmagazine in a right ‘in depth interview’ (yeah,right). “I missed him terribly, but that slag EmilyWotserface has got a battle on her hands if shethinks she’s going to pinch Mark from me...shehas...the bitch.”

But the final word goes to Holy Moly! magazinewho insist the all new Mark Wright image justisn’t washing with them. “He’ll always be agreasy, shallow, sex-pest to us,” they say.

Now that’s what The Edge calls being nice.

“OOOOOOH, YOUNG MANNNNNN!”

Essex Eye Candy Mark Wright - TOWIEstar and the real ‘King of the Jungle’.


Page 14 The Edge 077 646 797 44

"Can you write me somethingshort and sweet explaining whywe're in the financial mire," camethe directive from our editor.“Gordon Brown” was myresponse. But it turns out he wanted a bit more meat on thebone than that, so here goes...

If anyone could understand thewhole picture in the detail neces-sary to fully explain such a wideranging subject, they would doubt-less be much better employed trying to fix things rather thanspending half a lifetime writing it alldown. Additionally, there are manydiffering opinions as to the causesof the current recession, so therereally is no simple right or wronganswer. For what it's worth though,here's a personal, and simplified,take on it all. Let’s look at the various components of the problemone by one.

BanksIt's all the fault of the bankers,right? Wrong. Firstly, there are twodifferent types of bankers. Thereare Retail Bankers, who offer you acurrent account, somewhere to putyour savings, a mortgage andmaybe a loan to buy a car. Safe,solid, and not spectacularly wellpaid people on the whole. Then there are Wholesale, orInvestment, Bankers, who you, theman or woman in the street, willnever meet. There used to be MerchantBankers too, but they live on onlyas Cockney rhyming slang. TheWholesale Bankers are what thepopular ’papers call CasinoOperators. Contrary to popularopinion, they do not, however, betthe nation's economy on whether ashare price will rise. They bet theirown bank's money. Some are goodat it, and earn a fortune, whilst oth-ers are not so good, and soon findthemselves out of work. It’s a veryunforgiving world in which to work.

The problem with banking occursbecause some of the bigger oneshave both Retail and Wholesalearms. To put it simply, they did notdistinguish which side of the fencetheir cash came from, so thewholesale bankers were using oursavings to play the markets. Noteagain: they were playing the mar-kets only with money containedwithin the vaults of their own bank,not the nation's, as is so often misquoted.

Once the crisis really hit, govern-ments became involved in pouringbillions into SOME - i.e. not all -banks to ensure that the retail savings of the likes of you and mewere not lost. This is where publicmoney enters the equation. Notethat after that injection of publicmoney, the ‘casino’ operators wereunder very strict control as to whatthey did with it. They did not puntpublic money in any meaningfulsense of the word.

But let’s come back to the banksagain later as it's important not tolet a natural disgust at a very smallnumber of people earning hugesalaries and bonuses obscure thefacts, because not all banks andnot all bankers were the cause ofthe crisis.

Bank Regulators Governments around the worldhave for years appointed independ-ent authorities to regulate FinancialInstitutions in their own countries.In the UK, the regulation was whatGordon Brown called ‘light touch’.That is, the FSA (FinancialServices Authority) didn’t regulatevery hard at all. As a result whenthe global crash came, Britishbanks were as badly placed as anyothers. In retrospect, this lighttouch regulation was a mistake, buteven die-hard Brown haters will sayit’s a forgivable one because ithelped the City of London remaincompetitive. Don’t forget, about10% of all the UK’s tax revenuecomes from the Square Mile, sohelping it to do its stuff was a bit ofa no-brainer.

The United States Gordon Brown was very keen to telleveryone that the recession was allthe fault of the USA. It suited him tohave his own shortcomings hiddenaway by shining the spotlight onsomeone else, but the USA doesbear some of the blame. Over theprevious decade the banks andcredit institutions over there hadbeen giving mortgages to all sortsof people who really weren't capa-ble of the responsibility. After all, itwas boom time. House prices keptrising, so even if these peopledefaulted, the bank could reclaimtheir house and still make a profit.Or so they thought. However, oncethings started to slow down andmore and more people couldn'tafford their mortgages, houseprices fell and the banks were leftwith a loss. To try and reduce these losses, thebanks came up with complicateddeals that packaged up a lot ofmortgages and sold them on to anumber of investors who wereeach, therefore, buying a small bitof the loss. These investors - main-ly people who should have knownbetter - were some way behind the

cleverer banks in their evaluation ofthe situation.

Credit Crunch A pre-cursor to the main crisis.Across the world, but especially inthe USA, banks had lent too muchto people they shouldn’t have.When this became apparent, theywent too far in the opposite direc-tion and wouldn’t lend to anyone.This was the real start of the reces-sion as economies ground to a haltbecause businesses couldn’t getthe finances they needed.

Lehman Brothers Lehman Brothers were first bank togo to the wall. As it did not have aretail banking arm worth the name,the US government didn't fancybailing it out and badly misjudgedthe effect that one Investment Bankfailing would have on the markets,and therefore the world’seconomies. Had it been supportedwith public money, would all thistrouble have been averted? No, notentirely. But it might have been alot less bad.

You Well, not you specifically, but all ofus. As far as the UK is concerned,we are better off than some, butworse off than others. We havebeen hit though, because webelieved Brown (what fools) andthought the good times were set tolast forever. We borrowed morethan we should have to buy ahouse bigger than we could reallyafford and we stacked up on CreditCards. When a little downturnarose, it became a big downturnbecause we were all maxed outand very scared for our financialfutures. So we stopped spendingand the downturn got worse.

On top of all that, over the past 30years, our manufacturing base hasbeen eroded, thus we are veryreliant on the service industries.When we stop spending, it's servic-es that are hit first - you don't go tothe pub so much, or on holiday asoften, thereby exacerbating thedownturn further. This is our faultfor sure - we insist on buying for-eign goods, not UK manufacturedones, and none of us want to workin factories anyway.

Gordon Brown Yes, he really does have to feature.The fact that the UK is now havingsuch a painful time of it, slashingpublic spending and all that goeswith it, is because for the 12 yearsG.B. was either Chancellor of theExchequer or Prime Minister, hejust went on borrowing more andmore to spend on his pet projects.Pet projects that usually entailedemploying ever more people in thepublic sector, all of them on finalsalary pension schemes way

beyond the generosity of the private sector. Bernie Madoff wasrightly put away for running a ponzischeme (that is, getting newinvestors to prop up previous onesin a pyramid of ever increasingsize) so why isn't Brown behindbars for doing exactly the samething? Because the law of the landallowed his incompetence to ruinour finances for a generation, that'swhy.

The Euro The Euro wasn’t a cause of theoriginal crisis, but it’s become amajor component of the ongoingmess. It is, it transpires, a failedexperiment. Whilst the EuropeanUnion was a small number of simi-larly well developed nations withbroadly similar cultures - France,Germany, Italy, for example - theEuro would probably have worked.But once some fairly flakyeconomies started to want a pieceof the action, it was all just an accident waiting to happen. TheGreeks, for example, considertaxes as optional, yet still want toretire on a full salary at 50, sounderstandably the Greek economyisn't exactly flush. On the otherhand, industrious Germans paytheir taxes on time and work veryhard and efficiently. Yet the curren-cy the two countries share is worththe same. It just doesn't make anysense. So Greece needs Germanyto pay for its previous over-borrow-ing and to fund its easy lifestyle. Soif you were a German, how wouldyou feel about that? That’s why allthe Euro based bailouts are so con-troversial.

All of these contributory pointshave left us in a horrible place.There's no one person, or evengroup of people, to blame, just aconflagration of factors all comingtogether in a perfect storm of pain.But DON’T PANIC. As with all pre-vious terrible periods, the world willsurvive, it's just a matter of howlong it takes before the feelgoodfactor returns. Unfortunately, withUK growth more or less stagnant,that’s some years off. Can you help? Yes. You could startspending whatever you can affordon British manufactured goods andservices.

Looking on the bright side (actually,there really isn’t one - this is the‘and finally’ bit) the last big reces-sion in the 80s did throw up theSpecials and Madness. Thus far,this one has managed onlyJedward - so we must be aboutdue some decent music at least.

OK, so why are India and Chinabooming?

Oh God....my head hurts!

Wardo has a stab at explaining the financial mirewe’re unfortunately all caught up in...



A black cab driver from Essex is onthe road to success after publish-ing a book using nuggets collectedfrom his passenger’s wisdom,writes James Weatherup.For the past two years, MarkSolomon has left a clipboard in theback of his cab asking punters fortheir advice on facing life's toughjourney.Thousands of his fares contributedquotes and their thoughts of theday which he has now compiled in‘Black Cab Wisdom’.They include offerings from agangster rapper, a politician, aHollywood actor and even a USsenator.Mark (38) was born and bred inEssex and says: "This has been alot of fun and some of the quotes Ihave collected have been amazing."In fact, the book is already beingreprinted as the first run hasalready sold out."Contributors to the tome, whichcosts £5.99, include former boxingchampion David Haye, comicJustin Lee Collins, boffin Brian Coxand legendary actor DustinHoffman.One solicitor called Sharron wrote:"The grass may be greener on theother side...but it's just as difficultto mow." Meanwhile, a waitresscalled Ellen wrote: "The mind islike an umbrella and works far better once it is opened."

www.blackcabquotes.com

A new competition - with over £2000worth of prizes up for grabs - has beenlaunched to find ‘The Face of Essex’ in2012. The winner will receive a year'sfree membership at Virgin Active HealthClub. Other prizes include a modelingcontract with Jello Model Management,£400 of designer clothes from ChoiceDesign Wear and a fabulous meal fortwo at The Brickyard restaurant anduse of a stretch limousine for a nightfrom LA Stretch Limos. The finals of thecompetition are being held at a glitzyceremony in April at The Brickyard inRomford where the winner will beannounced. Uppercut owner TrevorVale said:"I'm delighted to say entriesare flooding in from all over the county.There is a huge prize awaiting the win-ner and hopefully it will give everyone abig boost. We want to put the feel-good factor back into Essex." Entrantsmust be females aged 16-30. To regis-ter visit www.romfordrecorder.co.uk.What’s The Edge doing promoting them?

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Now this is a tricky one.On the one hand, The Edge has ‘a bit of a problem’ with chain restaurants in so far as theyforever seem to lack the authority toalter/change/adapt on the spur of the moment toany particular set of circumstances. In short,everything costs, everything has its price, suchis the nature of the beast as yet another jugger-naut has rolled into town.

And on the other hand, despite myself, I wasgenuinely surprised to actually enjoy myevening out at Giraffe.

But let me start with why I probably won’t gothere again. One: We ordered the most expen-sive bottle of red Shiraz on the menu (Madfish),described as “deep and brooding (a bit like me,obviously) cherry chocolatey with steak-lovingpeppery spice,” and it was £24.95. What? In achain restaurant sat on wooden classroom-styleseats in Chelmsford?

The other weekend we had a lovely bottle of‘chocolatey Shiraz’ at Severnshed in Bristol andSevernshed is by far Giraffe’s superior andBristol is a city. However, the wine was just aspalatable, yet cost £17.95.

My second reason is that our Toffee AppleCrumble dessert (“enough for two to share” themenu said, and there was) warranted two blobsof ice-cream, as opposed to the one it camewith, which soon melted. Nice as it was (thoughI’m not sure about the ‘breakfast cereal’ top-ping), when I enquired about another blob ofice-cream, I was informed that such would costan extra £1.75 on top of the £5.95 dessert price.

Now I guess that some of you will ‘get’ my griev-ances and some of you won’t. The fact remains,customers are fickle and if a restaurant reallywants its customers to return, in The Edge’shumble opinion, they have a duty to satisfythem. But charging £1.75 for an extra blob ofice-cream absolutely screams profit and mar-gins to this particular customer.

To the positives. We ordered a side order ofGarlic Brussel Sprouts (yes, you heard TheEdge correctly) and you can forget your garlicbread, Peter (Kay), my lad, for Garlic BrusselSprouts are definitely ‘the future’!

Our main courses of Jambalaya Risotto (spicyrisotto with grilled aubergine, peppers & cour-gettes with chicken, prawn & chorizo) £10.95and Hot Thai Duck Stir Fry (shredded BBQduck, bok choy, Thai basil, mushrooms, redpepper, mint, egg noodles & bean sprouts,topped with chilli jam, crispy shallots, leek,

carrot & red pepper) £10.25 were really, reallytasty.

We also had a quick word with the young couple(there were a lot of young people in Giraffe,placing your editor alarmingly in the ‘seniors’brigade) on the table next to us and she, beinga vegan, reckoned Giraffe offered “much morechoice and taste” than many other local restau-rants. What’s more, this was their second visit toGiraffe in Chelmsford already, and yes, she/theywould definitely be returning.

It’s pretty much horses for courses when diningout and many folk will be ‘easier going’ than me.

P.S. Giraffe’s £6.95 ‘main course + selecteddrink’ lunchtime offer (served 12 - 5pm) mightwell be worth a try.

21 Springfield Road, Chelmsford.Tel: 01245 409255

GIRAFFE...The Edge 183:The Edge 172.qxd 20/12/2011 10:23 Page 16

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Apparently, the BBC received a staggering21,000 complaints over comments madeby Jeremy ‘motormouth’ Clarkson on their

One Show which The Edge actually happenedto be watching at the time and simply viewed itas ‘Clarkson being Clarkson’. Why peoplehaven’t got far better things to do with their timethan demand his dismissal from the corpora-tion seems nonsensical. Fact is, he’s a witty,intelligent and extremely interesting guy (I’vemet him) who’d be sorely missed. So whysuch uproar by 21,000 nobodies?

That’s The Edge’s view. But, of course, thereare always two sides to every argument, solet’s hear what public sector worker and Edge‘colonist’ Kingpin has to say about the matter.

“I still haven’t seen the Clarkson comments,but I take it he was saying we (as in the pub-lic sector) had no right to go on strike thatday? Absolute nonsense. Of course we did.The pension issue is really the tip of the ice-berg and unless you have worked in the publicsector (which I doubt he ever has) then I positthat you have ‘no right’ to talk bollocks aboutsomething you know nothing about. Let’s beclear about one thing, the dreadful financialstate of our country can be tied in to those arseholes in the banking industry and thedeplorable mismanagement of our economy bysuccessive governments. The public sector didn’t cause any of this. It certainly wasn’tteachers and nurses who were busy bankrupt-ing the country and who still walked away withmassive bonuses, yet it’s the public sector whoare bearing the brunt of the austerity measuresnow put into place.

Yes, public sector is a huge employer and didneed to be trimmed down a bit, but the sheeramount of job losses in this sector is both

unreasonable and bad for the economy. On topof the job losses, we’ve been on a pay freezefor two years now with a 1% cap on any futureraises. Take inflation over the past few yearsinto account and this really amounts to a paycut. We’re also now having to do a lot more witha lot less, yet are still constantly being asked to

save more money. Public sector is often seenas being an easy ride (and in some cases that’strue, because God knows I’ve seen some ‘deadwood’ do bugger all for years at a time in myjob) but, by and large, people in the public sec-tor do work very hard and actually care aboutproviding a service to the community. I don’tknow many nurses who went into it for themoney, which is pitiful to begin with. (In fact, Idon’t know enough nurses full stop, but that’sanother story).

In my own particular case, my team look afterthe IT infrastructure for around 800 people. Wehave 90 servers and 13 remote sites to lookafter, as well as the main offices, all of whichtakes a huge amount of work to keep runningsmoothly. Most of our kit is now way past itssell-by date, meaning it’s even harder to keep

matter up to speed, meaning even more workfor us. A team like mine, looking after an ‘estate’as big as ours, would usually have 8 to 10 peo-ple in it. We do it with just 4.

I’m sure this scenario is mirrored in many placesacross the public sector, so it’s far from an easy

ride. Unlike when the tube drivers, or whoev-er, go on strike, we weren’t asking for moremoney. All we were asking for was to keepthe pension plans we already had in placeand had been paying into for years, asopposed to now paying in more money, formore years, for it to be worth less, whichhardly seems unreasonable to me.

As for our right to strike - everyone shouldhave the right to strike in protest in a demo-cratic country, end of story. The Unions hadasked for discussions with the Governmenton this issue time and time again and wereignored, so the strike was the last resort andnot something any of us did lightly. None of

us got paid for that day, and in these times, los-ing a day’s pay isn’t something any of us want-ed to do. But personally, I feel it’s far better tostrike and make a protest against somethingyou feel is wrong, than just let the Governmentwalk all over you. It’s always good to remind thepeople in power that we’ll only put up with somuch.

This whole economic situation is their mess,and the public (the general public, not just publicsector) paying for it is wrong. But, whatever thereasons, we are where we are and there’s notgoing to be an easy way out. All of us are in fora shitty few years and, at the end of the day,we’re just going to have to tighten our belts andride it out. But that doesn’t mean we can’t stickthe boot into ‘the man’ every now and again andremind them how angry we all are about it.”



Car Park EncounterMy dear, dear Shaun,How lovely it was to see you thisafternoon, after so long, and it is socomforting to know that you are stillas opinionated as ever and haven'tchanged a bit. First off, you insult my car, saying itis “too big for me” (I train and walklots of dogs, hence the need for areasonably sized car). Secondly,you continued with a tirade abouthow dogs stink and how you betmy house stinks of dogs too! I, on the other hand, love the smellof my damp Retriever and anyother dog that I happen to be with.They provide so much companion-ship and cheer most people up(though obviously, with the excep-tion of you). So I hope you won't be offended if Idon't invite you round for a cup oftea to discuss old times. In fact, Iam sure you will be more thanhappy to stay away. Oh, and by the way, my car stinksof dogs too! Lovely to see you all the same.After all, it is good to find someconsistency in this world.

Jackie McClellandSpringfield

H’hey! Me & Mrs Mac used towork in the same orifice yearsand years ago, readers, only Ididn’t realise her love of canineshad endured, the smelly things.Am gonna pop round for a brewand a sniff all the same tho’. E.E.

Awkright?Hi Shaun,I've just this minute received theelectronic version of my favouritemagazine and it has promoted meto ask a question that I have beenmeaning to ask you for some time.A good few years ago you ran afeature article on my Uncle's shop,Fellas Clothes. You also did a writeup for our wedding photographer,Scott from Edge Photography, atsome point too. Based on these two excellent edi-torials, I was wondering if therewas any way you would considerdoing something similar for myDad's shop? He owns a fantastic(although I do understand that I amslightly biased!) DIY & Hardwarestore in the lovely little village ofIngatestone. From the outside, thestore is VERY deceiving, but onceyou step inside, you realise whatan Aladdin's Cave of treasures ittruly is.

I have taken the liberty of adding alink to the gallery of the shop justso you can see what I mean.Their slogan is: "The Town sizedstore with the Village service" andthat is absolutely true. Customerservice is what keeps people goingback time and time again as it is sovery personalised and nothing isever too much trouble.http://www.patrickgreen.biz/gallery/info_18.htmlAs you know, times are hard foreveryone right now, and a little bitof a push from my favourite maga-zine I'm sure would go some wayto increasing the footfall throughoutthis amazing store.Sorry if this isn't really somethingthat you d, but it never hurts to ask,does it? :)

Thank you and kind regards,Laura Miller

You can blow hot air up TheEdge’s ass all you like, Laura,but I couldn’t possibly... E.E.

Edge PodcastHi Twat,Listening to the debut EdgePodcast did make me chuckle!Especially you. Your voice. Andyou sort of being ‘you’, yet alsbeing 'aware' of what you weredoing/hosting and unable to 'HOG'or control the conversational chan-nel you're usually tuned into (i.e.SHIT, TITS & PEOPLE’S BITS)because everyone else was grip-ping their own remote 'hard ons'and word-w ing HARD!

A ‘mike’ really does seem to bringout the best/worst in everyone.Brilliant! Though Lengthy Boyseemed to have his finger on mutefor most of the time, which was aDAMN SHAME. He did come outwith some cracking, but low key,'one liners' that were totally lost tothe dominant (i.e. LOUD) voices ofThe Goose and Kingpin. (HE'SREALLY FUNNY, is Matt, andshrewd with his delivery.) I honestly LOVED it in parts. It wasa bit like being in a pub and hear-ing people on a table having a real-ly good convo, but only picking upsnippets, but doing one’s best totune-in to the wavelength andenjoy being taken out of the 'hum-drum of everyday life’; for a bit atany rate...before swiftly tuning outas it went a bit male mainstreamand predictable. You DO need some women onboard though. Even as 'guests' andwith subjects geared to clash/antagonise/balance etc. and notjust setting 'Dick v Chick' but also'Chick v Chick' in terms of views/opinions etc.The bit about plastic tits and VATmade me both squeal and smile atthe ceiling as it got YOU LOT goingfor SOME WHILE. But from afemale perspective, all I was think-ing was: COME ON GUYS, nowoman honestly gives a shit aboutthe 20% going to the tax coffersbecause men usually end up pay-ing for a boob job anyway! In oneway or another, women usuallyrecoup the original outlay and donothing more than the occasionalKleenex clean-up of their new pup-pies. I couldn't believe none of yousort of 'went there’? Ignorant bliss?Love it! But it is weird how YOU saw/viewed how it went, I guessbecause you were there, asopposed to how I actually HEARDTHINGS based on our brief chatbeforehand about The Edgerecording a ‘Pod’. The Gooseshould DEFINITELY stay. He was-n't overbearing, but sure, I canimagine that some of his verbalswould need a good 'script edit'.Less is more, so they say. All in all (and lack of female voicesaside), there was a pretty good balance and a MONKISH nemesisto the predictable 'five knuckleshuffle' banter that took over in theend and made me begin to drift off.But hey, that's just me, and I'mOLDER now. My tits are shrinkingand I also fart like my grandmother.But these days I read/listen to a lotof ‘odd stuff’ and by that I mean Idon't even bother to figure out/fretover/ worry about what menwant/like, get hard or soft by etc.For me, it's now dull stuff best leftto the titivating TOWIE’s or thedepressed divorced etc., but I LIKEIT when MEN banter/agree/dis-agree over things rather than theusual ‘nudge nudge, wink wank’things etc.It takes TIME to develop an audiovoice, even if your readers arefamiliar with your 'written' voice.

The Goose comes across exactlylike his columns, whereas I can'treally speak for you because IKNOW YOU - so for me, yourvoice/conversation was like myarmchair in that I know exactlywhat it's stuffed with! Kingpin - in parts, yes - but ThePin’s profanities went from 1ststraight to 5th gear at times, whichkind of detracted from his written'voice' (FANTASTIC Kingpin colonin December Edge though - IABSOLUTELY LOVED IT). And hewas great in the 'Old Whistle Test'way of herding the conversationalloose sheep back to where theyshould be in the POD PEN! In fact, The Pin and The Goosehave really great 'recording voices’which makes a difference to the'aural' experience, whereas youneed to add your 'BRILLIANT'pearls when the timing is there andnot just throw them in to keep themomentum going. But your 'MOM-MY DEAREST DREAM' thingmade me absolutely piss myself.You said everything without sayinganything, until pressed, and eventhen you said everything withoutsaying very much at all. NOWTHAT WAS FUNNY, so just keepthe oyster shut if there's nothing toadd to a topic, GOBSHITE! Matt: COME ON MATT! Unbuttonyour trousers and show them whatyou’ve got, Two-Tone! And Hannah: Ha! LOVED IT/HER! All in all, a most creditable firstattempt, I’d say.

The Bitch xx

Thanks for that, bitch. Honest,as ever. When’s your very first‘Hermit’s Perspective’ reachingme, hmmmm? E.E.

Grow Up!Dear Edge,We were on our way to see thedolphins in Mexico when we stum-

bled across this place and thoughtit might be much more interesting!

James King (left) & Paul Forrester (right)

Guys, guys....GROW UP forGod’s sake. I mean, how old areyou? What was that? You sayyou’ve listened to The EdgePodcast and I’ve no room totalk? Well, you cheeky..... E.E.

Happy New YearDear Editor,As you are a complete and utterBilly No Mates, I thought I wouldtake this opportunity to wish you ahappy and prosperous New Year.Shaun (yeah, it’s me writing to me).Well you sad f er. E.E.

Page 18 The Edge 077 646 797 44

YOUR

CHELMSFORD, CM2 [email protected]

to edge!the

&letters emails

This photograph was taken at arecent Ingatestone Victorian

evening!

*** ***


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The Edge 01245 348256 Page 19

I’d never even heard of this movie, let alone seen it on the shelves, but I spot-ted it and thought I’d give it a try. As it happens, it wasn’t three bad, despite atitle that would perhaps make one inclined to give it a miss.Ray Stevenson (you ever heard of him, because The Edge hadn’t?) plays big,shaggy, brawling, hunky, Irish Mob boss Danny Greene, who shot his way tothe top of the Cleveland USA underworld. He was also an FBI informant.It was the summer of 1976 and 36 bombs detonated in the very heart ofCleveland as a turf war raged between this Irish mobster and the Italian mafia.Kill The Irishman is amazingly based on a true story and also stars ChristopherWalken (forever creepy) and Val ‘WeightWatchers’ Kilmer.

Greene turns the tables on snaky, sinister, Jewish loan shark and restaurateurShondor Bims (Walken), stops taking orders from the mafia, allies himself withgangster John Nardi and sets about persuing his own mantle. Surviving count-less assassination attempts along the way, Greene makes it his business to killanyone who makes an attempt upon his own life (“How very dare they?”).Greene’s infamous invincibility and notorious fearlessness eventually leads tothe collapse of mafia syndicates across the USA and also earns him the statusof ‘the man the mob couldn’t kill’ (impressive).

This movie is based on the book of the same name, inspired by Rick Porello’strue crime account entitled ‘To Kill The Irishman: The War That Crippled TheMafia’, which might be worth a read/Kindle (pagh/spit).

There’s definitely a gritty ‘underdog conquers all comers’ quality about thismovie and it feels genuinely different is so far as it’s right rough and ready.

EDGEthe

DVD review

The top estate agents in the UK wererecently congratulated at a dazzling awardsceremony in London, hosted by comedian,TV presenter and author Mark Watson andorganised by The Negotiator magazine, inassociation with Digital Property Group.The Home Partnership was the outrightwinner of the Independent Estate AgencyFirm of the Year category, beating off stiffcompetition from all around the country. Clare Bettelley, editor of The Negotiator,said: “Our fourth annual ceremony welcomed more than 500 of the agencymarket’s leading property practitioners,despite the housing market downturn andongoing Eurozone debt crisis. This strongly reaffirmed this event as the residentialagency bash of the year! “Once again, the strength of the award

entrants was outstanding, not least their initiatives designed to survive the past 12

months alone. “The Negotiator is immensely proud of its

role in identifying, rewarding and celebrat-ing their excellence, which is part of ourongoing effort to help further raise industrystandards.”Guests gathered for the celebrations at theprestigious London Hilton Hotel on ParkLane on 9th November 2011 and enjoyedchampagne, fine food and a terrific presen-tation by Mark Watson.

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2:30amMy neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am.this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Stunning Thai GirlI sat on the train this morning opposite a stun-ning Thai girl and the only thing that kept goingthrough my mind was, ‘Please don’t get an erec-tion. Please don't get an erection.’But she did.

Grim ReaperThe Grim Reaper came to visit me last night,only I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.Phew! Talk about Dyson with death.

Parking TicketThe other day, my wife and I went into town todo a bit of shopping.When we were about done and it was time toreturn home, we spotted a Traffic Warden busilywriting out a ticket.So we went up to him and I said, “Oh, come on.How about giving us senior citizens a break,eh?” But he just ignored us and continued writing outthe ticket. So I called him ‘an asshole’, I’m ashamed tosay. And he glared at me and started writing outanother ticket for having worn-out tires.So my wife, Mary, actually called him ‘a shithead’, even though she normally frowns on thatsort of language. Well, when he’d finished writing out the secondticket he started writing out a third. Then a forth,and so on. And this went on for about 10 min-utes.The more we abused him, the more tickets hewrote out.Fortunately then, our bus arrived.

F.A.T.Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transves-tite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Welsh PubA man walks into a welsh pub and orders awhite wine spritzer.The bar goes deathly quiet as everyone staresat him. "Where are you from then?” the barman asks.“You sound kind of English." "Oh, aye,” replies the man, nervously. “I amfrom just across the Severn, yes." "So, what do you do then, just across theSevern?" persists the barman."I'm a taxidermist," says the stranger."A taxidermist,” repeats the barman. “What onearth is one of those?" "I mount animals," confesses the man."Phew!" sighs he barman. Then he addressesthe regulars in his pub with the broadest ofsmiles “Panic over, boys. He's one of us.”

New DoctorI went to the doctor's the other day, only to findout I had a new sexy hot one.

Well, I was a little bit embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it allbefore. Just tell me what's wrong with you andI'll check it out." I said, "My wife thinks my cock tastes funny."

Q&AQ: What's the difference between Iron Man andIron Woman?A: One's a superhero and the other is aninstruction.

Lovely StoryHere’s a lovely story about a bond formedbetween a little girl and a group of builders. It'sallegedly true and may help to confirm yourbelief in the all round goodness of all we members of the human race.A young family moved into a house right nextdoor to an empty plot. Then, one day, a gang ofbuilders turned up to start building on the plot.Well, the young family's five-year-old daughterimmediately took an interest in all the activitygoing on next door and started chatting with thebuilders. She always hung around with themafter school and eventually, with hearts of gold,the builders more or less adopted the little girlas a sort of project mascot. They would talk toher, let her sit with them while they had their teabreaks, and also gave her little jobs to do hereand there to make her feel important.They even gave her her very own hard hat andgloves, which thrilled her immensely.And at the end of the first week, the smilingbuilders presented her with a pay packet containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl excitedly took her 'pay' home to hermummy who suggested they take the money tothe bank the very next day to pay it into her sav-ings account.At the bank, the female cashier was absolutelytickled pink to hear the little girl regaling herabout all her 'work' on the building site and thefact she had earned a 'pay packet'.“You must have worked very hard to earn all thismoney?” she said.The little girl proudly replied, “Oh yes, I did workreally hard every day with Bob and Joe andMick and Bill and Terry.”“My goodness gracious me,” said the cashier,“and will you be working on the house againnext week?”

The little girl thought for a moment before say-ing, “I think so.......providing those w nk rs atJewsons deliver the f ck ng bricks.”

CarlsbergI really don't understand all the hype aroundCarlsberg supposedly being the best lager inthe world. I found a can on a wall this morningand it honestly tasted like piss.

ConfessionA man goes to confession and says, "Forgiveme Father, for I have sinned.”“Oh yes?” enquired the Priest.“Most definitely. You see, last night I made loveto a pair of twins half my age, in positions I thinkare probably illegal."The Priest thought for a moment and said, "Buyseven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glassand knock it back in one.""Oh Father, thank you,” said the man. “And willthat cleanse my soul?" "No," replied the priest. "But it ought to wipe thatf ing smile off your face.”

ComfortableMEN: If you want to get your missus' attention,just sit on the sofa looking comfortable.I guarantee it’ll work every time.

Blonde Double GlazingLast year, I replaced all the windows in myhouse with those expensive double-pane energyefficient kind. Only today, I got a call from thecontractor who immediately started complainingthat whilst the work had been completed twelvemonths ago, they still hadn't been paid. “Hellloooo?” I said. “Just because I'm blondedoesn't mean I’m stupid.” So I patiently explained to him just what hissmooth talking salesman had said to me thistime last year, which was that in ONE YEAR thewindows would pay for themselves.

Toothbrush TaleTwenty years together and the wife still gets thearse-ache whenever I use her toothbrush. But hey, how else am I to get the dog shit out ofmy trainers?

ShockedA policeman came to my front door last nightholding a photograph of my wife.He said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes, it is."He said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit bya bus." I said, "I know. But on the plus side, she’s agreat cook, she’s got a lovely personality andshe’s really good with the kids."

Popping OutMy mate's missus left him last Thursday. Shesaid she was just popping out for a pint of milk,only she never came back. So I took him out for a pint to find out how hewas coping, and he said, "Not bad, actually. I'vebeen using that powdered stuff."

Injury & AccidentInjury and accident insurance claim adverts arebollocks. For instance, when next door’s daugh-ter cut herself on our fence, they told me to takesome photos of her gash. Only now I'm the onewho’s ended up in court. How did that happen?

Important AnnouncementScrewfix is not actually a dating agency.

OONNLLYYJJOOKKIINNGG!!

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to [email protected]

* ** *

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I GIVE UP!The Edge has been meaning to publish this photograph ever since it wenton a pub crawl one sunny Saturday along the Thames, and don’t summerdays like this feel like an awful long way away right at this moment?Love this picture though, because it’s like the girl at the table has just saidto herself, ‘Sod it. I cannot listen to any more of this shite’ (that obviouslythe fellas are spouting), so instead she’s promptly decided to go to sleep.And has. Marvelous!Photographic evidence, if any were needed, that blokes do indeed boregirls to tears.Thinking about it, I honestly reckon this particular subject is somethingThe Edge’s next Podcast should touch upon. OK, I appreciate it’s notrocket science and that we all accept that men and women are fundamen-tally very different creatures, but The Edge can’t help thinking that if wesimply gave each other just a little more slack, instead of always expect-ing so very much of each other, might we not ‘get along’ better?Why do we always feel a need to ‘get’ where the other is coming from,when instead we could simply choose not to understand each other, andaccept that there’s no bloody point even trying?

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Monday evening 12th December:Out of the blue, your editor wasinvited to The Bridge by its N.B.M.(new best mate) DavidScarborough of our friendly localAston Barclay Car Auctions inChelmsford, to watch Chelsea beatManchester City 2-1....and thankGod I wasn’t paying!Do you realise it can cost £90 towatch a top-flight game of footballthese days?Absolutely disgusting.Best part about the whole eveningfor me was seeing the Christmaslights in Sloane Square and then

walking down the King’s Road,though apparently we were late, soa taxi had to be hailed to complete-ly destroy ‘the magic’. Mind you, it soon picked up againonce we reached The Big EasyCrabshack You Plank. (Ooops.Sorry, readers. Those last twowords were what Scarboroughcalled me because I could neverremember the name of the placefor the remainder of the evening!)The Crabshack’s a bit like anupmarket Back Inn Time and theyhad this ‘meal deal’ thing going onwhereby you paid a set price(dunno what it was as dinner wasapparently included in my trip,which was yet another right result)and you got to eat as much BBQchicken and ribs as you liked. I tellyou, I actually bowled out onto thepavement afterwards, I felt thatround.Then it was a brisk walk throughthe upmarket backstreets of opulentWest London to Stamford Bridgeand Jesus, I was literally gobs-macked by all the stinking wealth.Where do so many people get somuch money? Recession? Whatrecession?And then, not far from The SportingPage pub (which looked as thoughit’d serve a nice pint), there it was:Stamford Bridge, home of Chelski.Just over 40,000 people turned upon a rainy night to see the match

and if every bugger had paid ninetyquid, well then, that’d mean gatereceipts in the region of three and ahalf million quid, which is not badfor a nights work/poncing-about.City are very much the new kids onthe block and everyone seems tohate them because they've goteven deeper pockets than Chelsea,but as I hail from oop north, I defi-nitely wanted them to put one overon the cockernees and they could-n’t have gotten off to a brighter startthan with a lovely, intricate goalfrom Balotelli (‘the main man’).Only this is where City then went

so very wrong. I don’t knowwhether it’s Mancini’s Italian breed-ing to make them somewhat cau-tious in trying to protect a lead, butChelsea were actually scared of’em at that point and were definitelythere for the taking.But City eventually had a man(somewhat harshly, The Edgethought) sent off and ended up los-ing 2-1 to blow the Premiership titlerace wide open once again. But was it all value for money,despite me being on a freebie?Straight answer: no.If that is how football is playedthese days, then I am far happiercontinuing to watch the edited high-lights on Match of the Day with it’snumerous replays in the comfort ofmy very own living-room, ratherthan having to get crammed into atube carriage like a sardine at WestBrompton immediately after thematch in order to get shuttledacross to the other side of thesmoke.Home was eventually reached onthe stroke of midnight, though Ithen had to immediately go outagain to pick up her indoors whowas out at her works Christmasparty.So would I go again (if invited)? Tothe football, do you mean? No.But The Edge would definitelyreturn to The Crabshack for somemore chicken’n’ribs....you plank!

Page 22 www.theedgemag.co.uk

FRAZIER CHECKS OUT

Edge there to see two richest football teams in country put on aDULL NO SHOW

Smokin’ Joe checked out on 7th November 2011, just short of his68th birthday.Without a shadow of a doubt, Mike Tyson is the scariest thing The Edgehas ever seen in a boxing ring and is fairly confident some of his oppo-nents must have actually been pooping in their pants before the very firstbell signalled the start of a fight against ‘that thing’ in the opposite corner.But way before Tyson there was Joe Frazier who was cut from a some-what similar cloth.To your editor’s young eyes, he was also definitely the villain of the pieceback in 1971, when I was but 10 years old, and he knocked down every-one’s darling, Muhammad Ali, in what had been dubbed ‘The Fight of theCentury’ - Ali and Frazier’s very first encounter, to gain a points victoryand inflict upon Ali his very first defeat.I remember I cried that night (big soft lad).I just couldn’t understand how anyone could beat Muhammad Ali whowas the equivalent of boxing royalty.But it was their ‘Thrilla in Manila’, Ali and Frazier’s third and finalencounter, on 1st October 1975, that everyone really remembers andwhich must surely go down as one of the fights of all time.During the entire period from before their first fight to their final face-off inManila, Ali had used his wit, sharp tongue and position with the press totake verbal pot-shots at Frazier’s expense, which escalated in intensityand became particularly more ugly and malicious, taking their great rival-ry into a whole new territory.Back then, I just used to think it was all part of the hype and all good fun.But the older you get and the more you read up about it, nah, perhapsthe villain of the piece wasn’t Smokin’ Joe at all.The mood in the two fighters camps could not have been more of a con-trast. Ali’s thought Frazier was washed-up after his mauling at the handsof George Foreman (way before the latter had even thought of sellinggrilles) whilst the relative ease with which Ali defeated him in theirrematch seemed to bear out this notion. The general consensus seemedto be that Ali was doing Frazier a favour by simply giving him one lastmajor payday before promptly dispatching him into retirement. As a con-sequence, Ali did relatively little training and instead concentrated on historrid affair with Veronica Porsche, right under his wife’s nose.Meanwhile, Frazier was training with a grim and determined intensity andwould never forgive Ali’s invective; his latest slur being to call Joe a ‘goril-la’, purely on the grounds that it rhymed with Manila.It turned out to be a brutal, punishing contest, fought in a searing heat tosatisfy global TV audiences. Amazingly, it ended with the two pugilistsslumped in their respective corners after an amazing round 14. Frazier’scorner threw the towel in seconds before Ali himself admitted he hadbeen ready to quit. Indeed, if you watch the footage of the fight, you cansee by Ali’s reaction that he was visibly shocked when he realises thatFrazier was not coming out for the fifteenth and final round. But it wasn’tFrazier’s call. His manager, Eddie Futch, decided for him.Ali said he felt like he’d been close to dying in that fight.When asked whether he would have risked his own life by coming out forthe final round, Frazier simply replied, “Hell, yes.”After hanging up his gloves, Frazier trained boxers in his own gym inPhiladelphia, including his son Marvis, who fought like a bit of a ‘Mavis’.Unfortunately his latter years saw the continuation of his bitter rivalry withAli, during which the two old men periodically continued to trade insults.Smokin’ Joe was diagnosed with liver cancer late in September 2011 andadmitted into hospice care, dying just over a month later.The International Boxing Research Organisation (IBRO) rates Frazieramong the ten greatest heavyweights of all time. So far as The Edge is concerned, it was an honour to see the man box.R.I.P. Joseph.


[email protected] Page 23

The Grumpy Goose!

If you are facing a breakdown of your relationship, the things that you maydread the most are how you can sort out the finances; the house; the chil-dren. The thought of arguing and going to court is both frightening andexpensive. There is, however, another way.

Collaborative Family Law is a process where you and your spouse haveyour own solicitor, but instead of being adversarial, you work together tofind the right solutions to your problems. You agree that you will not resortto court proceedings and by having a series of meetings you can reachagreement on all of the things that matter to you. These can be things thatthe court can not help you with because of the way the traditional courtsystem operates.

You set the pace of the process, you set the agenda, and you make thedecisions. Your lives are not left in the hands of the courts or the judges.At a time when the court system is becoming even more pressured due tocut backs, the collaborative process can offer a far quicker resolution.

Many people are finding the collaborative process a better way to divorceand come away feeling satisfied that they have aired their views andreached an agreement that will work. Children have especially benefitedfrom their parents dealing with their divorce in a collaborative way as theysee their parents working together rather than arguing about them.

Collaborative Family lawyers are trained to deal with separation in the collaborative way and are experienced family lawyers committed to providing a professional service to their clients. Most collaborative lawyerswill offer a free chat about collaborative law to see if it would suit you.

For more information, contact Teresa Foss on 01245 349696, email: [email protected] or visit www.thblegal.com.

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Page 24 The Edge 01245 348256

Should comedy reflect society or justshut up about politics and give usMcIntyre depth distraction, writesMonkey Poet?

It’s a valid question. Currently in thecountry there is a widening gap, notonly in the 1%’ richest and the rest ofus tread-millers, but in the entertain-ment world too. There are those whowish to be seen as political commen-tators and those who wish to merelyentertain and it is that use of theword ‘merely’ that betrays some ofthe inherent snobbery in the arts,and in comedy in particular.

I hope Michael McIntyre forgives meusing his name because I admirehim greatly, but he is something of aposter boy for candy-bar comedy -high in sugar and hollow carbohy-drates, low in sustenance and men-tal nourishment. Dario Fo used thephrase ‘culinary theatre’ to describethe audiences habit of eating, digest-ing, and.…forgetting what they hadseen.

In the early nineties, when comedybegan to be a viable career path, Idon’t think anyone foresaw the juggernaut it would become. Fromplaying to a handful of happy puntersin a backroom to playing the largestspaces in the land, the Arena’s, comedy has become the newRock’n’Roll. And just like the fatdinosaur rock bands of the 70’s onewonders if there is a lean lithe punkmovement waiting in the wings tosmash it all to pieces.

Then, just as now, there was a dis-contented youth, high unemploy-ment, and a Government increasing-ly out of touch with the populace. A major difference today is thatthanks to the internet and socialmedia, a politician hasn’t even finished his speech before peopleare tweeting that he’s a lying bastardsponsored by Tesco.

One almost feels sorry for Cameron,Clegg and Osborne, the pantomimevillains of Politics, as they merelyhave to come onto the screen andaudiences audibly hiss and boo. I said almost.

The problem with Social CommentComedy is that, damn, it’s prettyhard to miss as these targets are sobig. And if it’s hard to miss them thenit’s hard for the comedian to hit, asgood comedy relies on the unexpected.

People also genuinely do want tohave a good night out and forgetabout the whole bloody mess thatwe have inexorably slid into. Thisexplains the rise and rise of PeterKay and the aforementionedMcIntyre. Fantastic comedians, theytransport the audience to LaughterValley, but that’s it. You go out, youlaugh, you go home, take a dump,then go to sleep.

However, the nation at the momenthas been truly united, politicised andradicalised by the currentGovernment, as virtually everybodyhates them and Milliband is not offer-ing a solid alternative (sorry, Ed, butyou’re rubbish). Therefore politicalcomedy is definitely on the rise. But social commentator, beware!Unless you’re careful you can endup preaching to the converted, andthey don’t like being preached to.

“Politician’s are rubbish”“I know.”“They all smell of rhubarb.”“I know.”

While political comedy is in dangerof losing itself in its own audience,I’ve noticed, when touring around thecountry, that there’s been an open-mindedness in audiences I waswarned would be heavily conserva-tive, and a willingness to engage inpolitical discourse as well as have alaugh. Politics, it seems, is back onthe menu.

Monkey Poet has won seven Fringeawards. He’s currently on tour andwill be performing his show entitled‘Welcome’ at the CramphornTheatre, Chelmsford, on Thursday26th January. To book tickets, go towww.chelmsford.gov.uk/theatres orcall 01245 606505. Tickets are£10.00, concessions £8.00.

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To Infiniti and beyond...Zagger Fashion Group inBaddow Road, Chelmsford,became the place to visit lastmonth with the exclusive launchof the luxury Infiniti car series.

The collaboration, organised byChris Geer, Managing Director ofZagger, and Paul Watts-Barnesof Infiniti, was the first of its kindin Essex.

Chris is now ‘ambassador’ of theInfiniti brand for Essex throughhis Enterprise Group, and showcasing the FX, EX, G andM Series models in the streetwas his first step towards introducing the Infiniti range tothe general public.

So who are Infiniti?

Infiniti are part of the NissanCorporation, headed by CarlosGhosn, and co-sponsors ofWorld Champion Formula Oneracing driver Sebastian Vettelalongside Red Bull.

Head of Infiniti Design, ShiroNakamura and his team inAtsugi, Tokyo, take inspirationfrom Japanese calligraphy, architecture, fashion and musicin their quest to style a beautiful-ly balanced fleet of vehicles.

Chris Geer spoke to The Edgeabout the concept and his visionfor the Infiniti brand throughoutEssex.

“There are very few car companies showing anythingnew in the UK motor industry atthe moment. Infiniti are creatinga niche in the market by offeringluxury vehicles at affordableprices for a whole new genera-tion of car consumers.

“I am very proud to be associat-ed with Infiniti and firmly believethey are a company with a posi-tive future in automotive solutions.”

Zagger clients were presentedwith exclusive Infiniti goodiebags throughout the two weekpromotion period and severalcustomers booked test drives intheir preferred Infiniti vehicle.

Chris Geer - driving fashion forward.

Infiniti has already come a long way. Born in the US from its Nissan parent company, the brand now has a presence in China, Russiaand Switzerland, as well as 40 centres across Europe, including the UK. Already Infiniti has become fast renowned for its ‘attentionto detail’, which is why the range provides a seamless match with [email protected] Page 25

For enquiries contact [email protected]


Page 26 www.theedgemag.co.uk

Before we start, let’s be clear aboutone thing: Man Flu doesn’t exist. If,as a man, you’ve ever ‘had’ it, then(in medical terms) you’re a great,galloping jessie. It’s that seasonwhere everyone seems to have acold or the flu, but have you everwondered why?

With just a tiny bit of knowledgeyou’d know that both viruses andbacteria don’t like the cold weatheranymore than we do, nor can youcatch a cold or a ‘chill’ simplybecause it happens to be cold.Medical ‘advice’ such as this is on apar with sticking a toad under yourbed to get rid of warts, so if you everhear anything like it, I suggest a swiftelbow to the ovaries is in order.

Whatever the reason behind the coldand flu ‘season’, I’m currently sur-rounded by people coughing andspluttering and complaining all daylong at the moment, yet once again Ifind myself immune to bacterial blan-dishments of any kind. I often jokeabout my Wolverine-esque immunesystem, but, by and large, it’s actual-ly true.

I do get ill on occasion, but unlessit’s really bad, I refuse to take anyform of medication as I want myimmune system to earn its keep,thank you very much, and whilethere’s no medical evidence to sup-port the claim that this will make myimmune system stronger, I still thinkthat not relying on ‘medicinal crutch-es’ at the first sign of a runny nose isa very good thing.

The second secret weapon in myimmune system arsenal is the factthat if and when I do get ill, I justignore it and keep on going. Mopingabout and whinging about how ill Ifeel will only do two things: (1) makeme feel worse (2) make me look likean effeminate ponce.

Bizarrely, in the case of the commonRhinovirus - or cold at least - themedical profession is actually back-ing me up on this one. Colds areapparently highly susceptible to emo-tional and psychosomatic responses.So basically, you can easily get a lit-tle sniffle and then convince yourselfyou’ve got the flu and you feel terri-

ble, so you do actually end up feelingworse than you really are.

But you won’t actually have the flu. Ifyou aren’t running a fever and you’renot aching to the tips of your hair fol-licles, then it’s not flu. Poor baby justhas an ickle cold, so shut up moan-ing about it. The next time you get ill,try the Kingpin method of self heal-ing. Just carry on as normal and tellyourself you’ll be right as rain in aday or two, and I bet you will be.

If you can’t manage this though, goand bloody moan somewhere elsewill you?

So it’s all over again for another year.We’ve survived yet anotherChristmas and New Year where Iassume we all indulged in the timehonoured traditions of getting pissed,getting fat and possibly makingunwelcome advances to one of thegirls in Accounts.

Now, I’m not about to go into theexpected anti-religious rant aboutChristmas as we’ve pretty muchbeaten that camel and its wise manto death over the years. But what Iwill complain about though is what’sprobably our most treasured holidaybeing a bit shit, at least compared toholidays in some other countries.

If we lived in Thailand, for example,we could all be celebrating the‘National Monkey Buffet’ once a year.Yes, this is truly as awesome as itsounds. Every year in the Lopburiprovince of Thailand a huge feast iscreated by some of the countries topchefs, purely for the enjoyment ofthousands of monkeys.

What’s not to like about seeing amassive table of food being swarmedall over by monkeys for a few hours,before watching the inevitable fight-ing, fornication and shit-flinging breakout? OK, I guess you could arguethe food would be better off going tothe homeless or orphans or whatev-er, but on the other hand: Monkeys!

In Russia there’s a public holidaycalled ‘The day of Conception’.Alarmed at the falling birth rates inthe Motherland, the enterprising (andobviously insanely brilliant) Governorof Ulyanovsk created a new holidayfor the people. On September 12each year the citizens of Ulyanovsare given a day off of work, and thisday off is given over solely to whatrenowned romance writer BarabaraCartland called: “MaximumBoneage”.

That’s right, for one day a year youget a free day off work purely to haveas much sex as you can. OK, I’msure the sex is supposed to be withyour actual husband or wife asopposed to a free-for-all-f athonin the streets (and I’m trade markingthat name for Children in Need nextyear), but it’s a genius idea all thesame.

Thing is, we don’t actually have to goall the way to a different continent forthis sort of shenanigans though, and

I’ve saved the best ’til last. In fact,even I’m surprised that I’m rankingthis last one above both monkeysand sex, but there you go. If youtravel to the Shetland Isles, you maybe lucky enough to witness theinsane and drunken glory that iscalled ‘Up Helly Aa’.

Basically, this ‘holiday’ was just madeup in the 1800’s, supposedly bybored soldiers from the Napoleonicwars. Originally it was literally a festi-val involving little more than gettingright royally pissed, fighting and set-ting things on fire (we call it ThePremier League in the UK) but aftera while, and for Odin knows why, thefestival suddenly acquired a Nordictheme.

Nowadays the festival of ‘Up HellyAa’ still involves copious amounts ofdrinking and burning things, but nowthey do it in Viking armour while theywave axes and broadswords around.I mean, what could possibly gowrong?

Swearing allegiance to the ‘GuizerJarl’ for the day, groups of mendesign their own coats of armsbefore donning their armour and thenmarching down streets lined withpetrol soaked torches, singing Vikingbattle hymns, just before burning afull sized replica of a Viking longboat.

I think part of the reason I like ‘UpHelly Aa’ so much is that it isn’t froma long and storied tradition and it’spretty much been made up for theexcuse of getting hammered, dress-ing up in armour and burning thingsall day because, well, why the hellnot?

So next year, rather than a fewnights out down the local and toomany mince pies, who fancies a tripup to the Shetland Isles?

Count me in!

MAN FLU

“Man, I love me some bonin’!”

Finally, a Doctor who gets it.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS?

Church of England take note: This is how you do shit.

“Ho-Ho-Ho. Ah, bollocks to the lot of yer.”

The Kingmeister reports

ME & MY adamantiumskeleton

****

The lovely HIV virus, which I gotover in about 3 days.

It’s already making Christmaslook like a dick, isn’t it?

***

Seriously, what’s not to like in this?


The Edge 01245 348256 Page 27

Upcoming events for 2012 atLaurence Sandum’s Black BeltMartial Arts Acadamy in Boreham(see back page) include a 1-dayJiu-Jitsu seminar on 7th January2012 with Tom Starling.Then on 18th/19th February, forthe first time ever in the UnitedKingdom, Master Pedro Sauer, 8thdegree BJJ Gracie Black Belt, willbe holding a 2-day seminar.The Academy, at Church Road,Boreham, is rated a NationalCenter of Excellence for MartialArts. Over 40 classes per weekare available at this purpose builtMartial Arts Centre includingKickboxing, Muay Thai, BJJ,MMA, JKD, Jun Fan Wing Chunand Kali Self Defence.For further information of futureseminars and classes, contact theacademy on 01245 467680 or visitwww.blackbeltmartialarts.com

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Jiu-JitsuThe Ground isNOT YourAshtray

Spotted a van with the words abovewritten on the side of it.Reckon it must be a council van andthe message is self explanitary.It disgusts The Edge when it sees amound of cigarette tabs discarded onthe floor, usually in car-parks.Only filthy disgusting scuzzers wouldeven dream of doing such a thing,but you still wouldn’t do such on yourown living-room floors, would you?SO STOP ACTING LIKE SCUM.

Spotted this steam cleaner chappynear Liverpool Street, London.Let’s be having ‘some of that’ inChelmsford, please. Particularlyoutside greasy take-away outletsinstead of unsightly congealedgunk trodden into the paving slabs.Let’s see some much needed priderestored to our town in 2012.

Keeping PavementsClean & Tidy

If The Edge was rich it’d wear abrand new pair of socks every single day.Clean socks are fine and to beexpected, but slipping ones feetinto a brand new pair of sockseach day - now that really wouldbe a luxury.What quirky things would you do ifyou became dead rich, readers?Email the mag with your sugges-tions to be published, please.

NEW SOCKS


Intrusions

Here’s a little test. It’s a simple question,but the answer you give will reveal sever-al things about you. The question is; whatdoes the phrase ‘Big Brother’ mean toyou’?

If your answer is anything to do withattention seeking misfits, then you willimmediately label yourself as firstly,young, and secondly, stupid. On the otherhand, if you include the words Orwell andGeorge in your response, you immediate-ly rule out the stupid bit, but you could beof any age.

There is a third option, but it’s a derivativeof the George Orwell answer in that ‘BigBrother’ has now come to be attached toanything that the authorities do to keepan eye on the plebs. In other words, it’snow a shorthand and lazy way of com-plaining about the ever increasing powerof the state.

You will know, because it is an oft repeat-ed statistic, that this country has moreCCTV cameras per head of populationthan anywhere else in the world. Thereare so many of the buggers you actuallydon’t notice them any more. But theynotice you. Should you park illegally for acouple of minutes to pick up your dry-cleaning, and think you’ve got away withit, don’t be so sure. A few weeks later, thenumber plate has been traced to you andthat will be £60 please, sir. Or £120 if youshould delay payment.

On the other hand, just try to get anyoneto make use of them if your car is brokeninto. Although the perpetrators will havebeen caught on tape somewhere, thepolice won’t be interested. “Here’s acrime reference number - claim on yourinsurance,” is the unspoken recommen-dation, thereby backing up the thoughtthat these things are there to subjugatethe masses, not for anything seriouslylinked to crime prevention or detection.Just like their sinister cousins, speedcameras, they are there only to let youknow ‘they’ are in charge, and you areone of the little people. You are a nuisance that needs to be controlled bysuperior beings.

All this came to mind recently whenOxford Council decided that every singletaxi in their borough would be fitted with aCCTV camera which would also record

the occupants’ conversation. Despite thedrip drip effect that dulls your thinking tothe point whereby you no longer noticethe ever increasing surveillance, this par-ticular intrusion did register loud andclear. Just who do Oxford Councillorsthink they are? How can they be so arrogant as to even contemplate thisgross invasion into your privacy. And let’sget this straight, once you have hired ataxi, it’s your space.

When questioned, the spokesman for thecouncil came out with the usual bullshitabout the recordings being available onlyto authorised officers to use as evidencein the case of a crime being committed.Right. Hand’s up if you believe that?

Let’s imagine Hugh Grant is taking a taxiin Oxford with a lady friend. Should some-thing a little tasty slip out, do you actuallybelieve the recording would be destroyed,even though no crime has been commit-ted? Or, more likely, do you think thatsome under-paid and bored little twerp inthe council offices will decide to make abob or two and flog it to the tabloids?

Take it further. Hughie finds out that therecordings have been used illegally. Whoshould he complain to? The police?Would that be the same police thatLeveson has uncovered were being paidby the tabloids too?

OK, so you don’t have much sympathy forthe floppy haired one, but think if it wasyou, slightly tired and emotional in theback of a cab and maybe spouting thingsyou wouldn’t really want the world to hearwhen you’re sober enough to realise whatyou said. Even if you aren’t interestingenough to be tabloid fodder, do you reallywant some ill educated git with a badhaircut and cheap suit at the counciloffices reviewing what you were up to andhaving a laugh at your expense? Callingall his colleagues over to join in the fun?Maybe even posting it online?

This idea is just so wrong it’s unbeliev-able that the jumped up little bureaucratscould conceive of it in the first place. Butthat’s what a little power does to people.Despite their rightful status as nobodies,they come to believe the small amount ofclout vested in them by dint of working for‘an authority’ can be expanded to thinkingthey are much better than you.

It’s not likely that the proposal has beenthought through to a logical conclusioneither. If the Oxford cab drivers are any-thing like their London cabbie cousins therecordings will contain not much at allfrom the passengers. No, but there will bean endless stream of right wing rhetoricabout immigration, how we ought to bringback hanging, and what the countryneeds now is a large dose of MargaretThatcher. Oh, and how bad Arsenal are atthe moment.

Given such a probability, the councilmight find itself embarrassed into prose-cuting the very people it purports to beprotecting. The biter bit, as it were.

And serve them right too.

FIFTY...NOT OUT

by Steve Ward

To comment on this article email: [email protected] 28

FIFTY...NOT OUT

by Steve Ward


The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 29

Model shown Alfa MiTo 1.4 8v 78 bhp Sprint at £13,375 OTR including Alfa Red Special Paint at £425. Range of offi cial fuel consumption fi gures for the Alfa MiTo Range: Urban 34.9 – 61.4 mpg (8.1 – 4.6 l/100km); Extra Urban 58.9 – 94.2 mpg (4.8 – 3.0 l/100km); Combined 47.1 – 78.5 mpg (6.0 – 3.6 l/100km); CO2 emissions 139 – 95 g/km. Prices correct at time of going to press December 2011.OFFER SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY WHILE STOCKS LAST, BEFORE 31 MARCH 2012. FINANCE SUBJECT TO STATUS. GUARANTEES/INDEMNITIES MAY BE REQUIRED. TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY. OFFERS MAY BE WITHDRAWN OR AMENDED WITHOUT PRIOR NOTIFICATION. ^0% APR REPRESENTATIVE HIRE PURCHASE AVAILABLE OVER A 3 YEAR TERM WITH A MINIMUM DEPOSIT OF 30%. WE WORK WITH A NUMBER OF CREDITORS TO PROVIDE FINANCE TO OUR CUSTOMERS, INCLUDING ALFA ROMEO FINANCIAL SERVICES, PO BOX 108, LEEDS LS27 0WU. *5 YEARS COMPLIMENTARY SERVICE PLAN OR 50,000 MILES – OFFER APPLIES TO VEHICLES REGISTERED BETWEEN 1 JANUARY TO 31 MARCH 2012. SERVICE PLAN INCLUDES SCHEDULED SERVICING ONLY OCCURRING WITHIN 5 YEAR PERIOD OR 50,000 MILE LIMIT, WHICHEVER OCCURS FIRST AND EXCLUDES WEAR AND TEAR ITEMS. THE SERVICE PLAN CAN ONLY BE USED IN CONJUNCTION WITH PCP, HP, APP OR A CASH PURCHASE. RETAIL SALES ONLY. OFFER CORRECT AT TIME OF PRINTING. TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY. SEE OUR WEBSITE FOR FULL DETAILS.

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The Edge took not one, not two, but threedifferent Alfa Romeo Mito’s out for test-drives all in one morning recently and defi-nitely knows which one it fancies. But thequestion is, which one would you go for,readers?

First up was the 1.4 Multiair TCT Lusso(135bhp) and if I let my head rule my heart, thenthis would be the Mito for me.

As opposed to the 1.6 Diesel Veloce (120bhp),which is quite strange, me being a dyed in thewool ‘diesel man’ and all.

Because to let your heart rule your head wouldultimately mean opting for the amazing 1.4Cloverleaf (170bhp) version, and that little babyis just fun, fun, FUN all the way.

Hmmmm. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

The thing about these cute little Mito’s is thatthey each have a DNA switch (or ‘button’) andwhen you flick it, it honestly feels as thoughthey’re transformed to warpfactor mode, it’s thatinstant, that dramatic.

But whatever car you’re thinking of buying in2012, surely you have to like the look of it rightfrom the off (which, come to think of it, is what Ionce quipped to the father-in-law after very firstclapping eyes on his navy blue 2006 Citroen C5‘Landcrab’ - OMG).

And in all seriousness, how can any of you notlike the look of the baby Alfa Mito?

In a word, this is one cool car and if you honest-ly cannot see it, then unfortunately, you clearly

are not on its wavelength.

Yeah, yeah, you could buy a Mini instead, TheEdge supposes, along with everyone else inGreat Britain. But wouldn’t you rather stand outfrom the crowd by choosing a little Italian flair?

I’ve just had a quick look at some of the carsyou ‘genuinely’ might consider instead of a Mitoand think you’d be as MAD as a hatter to buy aVW UP, a Kia Picanto, a Nissan Leaf (as in let-tuce?), a Toyota Yaris (aren’t they just a teenyweeny bit ‘old hat’ these days), a Honda Jazz (oh, I really don’t think so), a Nissan Juke (ah,now The Edge does actually like the Juke verymuch indeed), a Peugeot iOn (oh come on, beserious), a Hyundai....(STOP RIGHT THEREbecause it doesn’t matter what it’s name is if itstarts with Hyundai), a Mazda 2, an Audi A1(OK, now that is a genuine contender), a SuzukiSwift (er, nah) etc.

Whatever decision you come to, don’t live toregret it. So here’s a polite reminder of whatyou’d be missing....

“THAT BUTTON’S GOOD, INNIT?”

Admit it, you’re falling for the Alfa Mito,aren’t you? You can’t help yourself.

Would you look at that?Red tyres!

Now that’s what The Edge calls sinisterlooking. Proper smokin’.

Can you see yourself behind the wheel?


So girls, Happy New Year to you all.It’s estimated that in the month ofJanuary nearly 8 million women glob-ally turn their attentions to InternetLurve and decide that it’s out with theold and in with the new. But beforeyou can meet the man of your dreamson an Internet Dating Site, you needto jump some pretty big hurdlesbecause the hardest part is not part-ing with the money when you couldhave bought a new pair of shoesinstead. No, it’s choosing a ScreenName so you can trawl the site, whichis by no means an easy task. Suchhas to be done with great care andthought out from a man‘s perspective. Never, ever, under any circumstances,use anything like Bitch123 as yourmoniker no matter how much of oneyou are, or Princess, because youmay as well just put ‘highmainte-nance123’ and have done with it.Similarly, any name that includes,Cute, Hot, Babe or SexKitten are bestavoided UNLESS you want to beinundated with mobile phone pictures of men’s naughty bits, whichis not so good if you’re checking youremails on the bus or at work. Anything related to your cat or thewords Angel, Halo or Sweet will prob-ably see your inbox remain empty forevermore. Let’s face it, men, despitewhat they say, are only interested inone thing and it’s our job to makethem think they are at least in with achance of getting it. Larger ladies should definitely avoidthe words Cuddly, Hippo or BabyElephant to stand a chance of gettinga few dates because we all know howshallow men are and how they think abeer belly and an extra chin definitelylooks sexy on them.Finally, don’t even think of using any-thing like UR_Future-exwife,Killerwoman, BunnyBoiler orCrossmeifyoudare for reasons thatshould need no explanation.

So you’ve paid your money and joineda dating site, come up with a ScreenName and now the fun really starts asit’s time to upload some photographs.Your pictures need to say a thousandwords, so the first rule is: less ismore. Seeing you standing in a groupshot with some guy's tongue in your

ear, or with a series of several obvi-ously ex-boyfriends in every singleone of your sixteen shots, is notadvisable. Find some software with acrop tool. Do not, I repeat, do notleave ‘him’ in the picture and paintover his face with an angry blackpaintbrush. This makes you comeacross as slightly unhinged.When uploading images of yourself insome bar with some of your girl-friends, make sure that every singleone of them isn't prettier than youbecause it is just so annoying toreceive emails asking, "Who is yourfriend?” or “Do the pair of you havesleepovers together?" It is also not a good idea to showyourself holding a drink in every singleshot if you’re about to state on yourprofile that you only ever drink in‘moderation’. Remember, it’s only menthat lie!Finally, no matter how desperate youare to pose in your underwear in thehope of attracting a man soonerrather than later, remember that no-one likes to see those kind of photo’sbefore breakfast, do they?

Right - your profile! Definitely do notput a search radius of 5,000 milesand include anyone between the ageof 21 - 65. You may be desperate, butit’s a definite no-no to come across assuch. Nor should you post commentslike “love to have fun“ because youridea of fun and a man’s idea of funare two entirely different things. Anddon’t put “like to hang out with my girl-friends” either because men get excit-ed and take things like that in totallythe wrong way. Also avoid mentioningyour kids or pets because men like tothink you are totally devoted to themand them alone.If you’re ever actually lucky enough tomeet a man, remember the following:-1. Nice men are ugly. 2. Handsome men are not nice.3. Handsome and nice men are gay.4. Handsome, nice and heterosexualmen are married.5. Men who are not so handsome, butare nice men, have no money.6. Men who are not so handsome, butare nice men with money, think weare only after their money.7. Handsome men without money areafter our money.8. Handsome men who are not sonice but are heterosexual don't thinkwe are beautiful enough.9. Men who think we are beautiful andwho are heterosexual, nice and havemoney, are cowards.10.Men who are handsome, nice andhave some money and are heterosex-ual are shy and never make the firstmove.11. It’s sod’s law that men who nevermake the first move automatically loseinterest in us the moment we try totake the initiative!

Who can possibly understand men?

Conclusion: Girls, you’re probably farbetter off saving the money on theDating Site and buying a lovely newpair of shoes instead!

Page 30 [email protected]

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“Safe, secure,reliable, kind& caring.”7.30am- 6.30pmMonday - Fridaywww.buzzkidsclub.co.uk

TEL: 01245 472414 MOBILE: 07935 185 354

PROFESSIONALTOASTMASTER

Peter MinneyF.G.Int.P.T. MCMI

Fellow Guild of InternationalProfessional Toastmasters

Weddings & SpecialOccasions

Email: [email protected]: www.guildtoastmaster.com

TOASTMASTER

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FLOORING

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DRIVING TUITIONCENTRAL HEATING

Chelmsford BoilersYour local boiler and central heating specialists with

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Call Mark on: 01245-360688Mobile: 07779-332140

Gas safe no: 529698

BEAUTY

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Manual & Automatic Tuition @ Affordable Prices0 8 0 0 2 5 5 0 7 5 2

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BJJ BrazilianJiu Jitsuclasses, courses

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Documents

The Edge Magazine January 2012